Long Time Running
by laurieanne
Summary: Patrick and Robin deal with his HIV scare, their fears of commitment and test the boundaries of what being in love really means.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

_**Hello Darkness, my old friend**_

He stood on the roof with his hands on his head, his eyes closed, breathing in the fresh air. His mind was awash with a million thoughts and he was unable to focus on just one. Getting through the last three days, through the last 72 hours had been an act of sheer willpower; he just kept putting one foot in front of the other and hoped he was moving forward. He had known a range of emotions in his life but fear had never been one of them - until three days ago. With equal parts bravado and skill, he had taken on an end stage AIDS patient with an intracranial bleed. It had been a fight with hospital administration to even get her in to the operating room and while no one would accuse Patrick Drake of having a well developed bedside manner, he did believe, strongly in fact, that every patient regardless of medical or financial status deserved the best care. There was no sliding scale for him - all patients were equal.

He did not know what measurement of time could be used to calculate how long it took to prick his finger - it was less than a second, maybe even less than a milisecond - whatever it was, it was long enough to potentially change his life forever. In his typical fashion, he had faltered only for a moment before pushing on. Robin had urged him to stop the procedure and wash out his hand but he carried on, ignoring her pleas; any stoppage in the procedure would guarantee certain death for the patient. It was only after he had closed that he walked to the sink and peeled off his bloody gloves. As his fingers were unveiled he secretly hoped that there would be no blood on the inside but he could already feel the cut to his finger and knew. Fumbling with the scrub sponge as a chill seized his body he suddenly realized how cold the operating room was. Robin was by his side, taking over, washing his hand and providing words of encouragement. He heard some of them, not all; he was too busy being angry. Angry that he may have been too hasty, too bold, that if he had slowed down just a little bit he might not have cut himself and all this would be unnecessary. Robin continued to reassure him and even when he snapped at her, she didn't flinch.

Robin.

In those rare moments when he was able to think of just one thing, he inevitably thought of her. She had been his lover on and off for almost four months, she had been his friend for nearly six and she had been HIV positive for more than a decade. Shame crept into his mind as he thought of how cavalier he had been about her HIV. He had pushed and cajoled, teased and lectured her on being closed off, on being unwilling to take a risk and now he understood in a way he had never understood before how enormously unfair he had been to her. He had always thought her strong and when he first discovered her fiery spirit he had been hugely attracted to her but now he knew, truly knew, the courage with which she lived her life on a daily basis.

He didn't feel courageous. He felt afraid.

The anti-retroviral medication made him feel weak; he was nauseous most of the time and when he wasn't nauseous he was exhausted. This was no way to live. Alan Quartermaine had told him that by going on the Post-Exposure Protocol right away, he could limit his chances of testing positive. However ill he was feeling, he couldn't complain - he had a fighting chance.

_I wish there had been an option for you._

Through the numbness and fog of those first few hours he thought of Robin. He thought of a young 17 year old girl, in the process of losing her first love to AIDS and not only being told that she too had tested positive for the virus but that, a decade ago, there was very little that could be done for her. She was so far past the post-exposure period that her only option was to accept the diagnosis and move forward. He wished there was a way to go back in time and offer that brave, strong teenager the same hope being offered to him.

There was only one other thought working its way past the incessant noise in his head. He wanted his mom. He may be a succesful and respected neurosurgeon, he certainly never lacked for friends or companionship but all that was of cold consolation in the wake of his exposure. He wanted his mom. He wanted her to wrap her arms around him, kiss his forehead and remind him that everything would be alright, because she said so. But having his mom make him feel better was no more a possibility than changing the results for a 17-year old Robin. His mother was dead, had been for years and he remained alone. He had spent so many years steeling himself for the inevitable disappointment that people in his life provided that he kept everyone at arm's length - everyone but Robin. Leaning on other people, trusting they would support him when he needed it was not his strong suit. In fact for someone who failed at so little in life, he failed spectacularly when it came to trusting others.

HIV. Three little letters carrying so much power.

It had been 25 years since the first case was diagnosed in North America and so many things had changed in that time. There had been courses on it at medical school, outlining the advances that had taken the disease from certain, quick death to managable chronic illness but some things had not changed. The prejudice around the disease was still so strong, the misinformation still so prevelant, that he knew if he tested positive his life would change profoundly and not just because of how his immune system would be compromised. All he had ever wanted was to be a surgeon - be a surgeon like his father - and if he tested positive there would likely be more people who would refuse him as a surgeon than accept him and then where would that leave him? He defined himself by his surgical success and if he didn't have that, if he couldn't be a surgeon, then who was he?

The breeze whipped up and cooled his face. Sighing deeply, he wiped the nearly ever present tears from his eyes. Fear was beginning to consume him and he didn't know how to beat it back. He tried to ignore it but it refused to be dismissed. Mortality, his mortality, once arrogantly dismissed as something other people worried about dangled in front of him, cruely reminding him of all he had not done, all he had yet to experience. Bending down he picked up a gravel stone and hurled it, as hard as he could, from the roof.

"Dammit!" he yelled.

"Hey." The soft voice pulled him from his self indulgence. Turning, he saw Robin walking towards him and he smiled, shyly. "Can I help?" she asked cautiously.

Reaching for her hand, he pulled her tiny frame tightly against his body, wrapping his arms around her and resting his chin on the top of her head. She held on to him. He didn't believe there was much that could help him but having her in his arms went a long way.

**Chapter 2**

_**In restless dreams I walked alone**_

Ever since his exposure time seemed to do one of two things - speed up or stand still. He wasn't sure if they had stood on the roof for hours or minutes but when he finally let go of her, he felt like he could go back inside and face his colleagues. The interesting thing he discovered about being HIV+ or potentially HIV+ is that there were a finite number of reactions - people were either supportive, almost suffocatingly so - or they looked at him pityingly as they ran in other direction. And these were the medical professionals, he had no idea what would await him when the supposedly average person would find out.

As they walked down the stairs back to the surgical floor, Robin reached for his hand but he kept it just out of reach. He was all over the map with his feelings - one minute he wanted to hold her tightly and draw on her strength and the next he was resentful that he needed her.

"Do you want to come over?" she asked tentatively as they entered the locker room, aware that anything could set him off.

Patrick swung open his locker door and pulled his scrub top from his body, tossing it in the hamper. "No...thanks."

Standing in front of the other bank of lockers, Robin stifled a sigh. It was a delicate balancing act trying to figure out how much comfort to offer without smothering him. While she knew that each person's experience was unique, she had a special perspective she could bring to the situation. There had been such a ground swell of support when she was diagnosed - from Alan to Mac to Sonny to Brenda to Luke to everyone who mattered in her life, they all came together to support her and she desperately wanted to provide the same thing to him. "I could make you dinner - something easy to eat."

Patrick clenched his eyes and leaned his head against his locker. "I'm not...it's too much right now."

"You need to eat Patrick - good nutrition is as important as taking your ARVs."

"I know" he replied carefully, gritting his teeth. He was just so angry, wanting to lash out and Robin was an easy target; it was taking every ounce of self-control to hold back. He wasn't angry with her - god - he didn't have the words to express what she had done for him in the last three days but there were so many feelings boiling up inside of him and he had not a clue how to reign them in.

Coming around to his side of the lockers, she sank down onto the bench. "Patrick..."

"I don't need to be mothered" he snapped, instantly regretting it. Dragging his hand through his hair, he chewed on his bottom lip. "I'm sorry" he apologized sheepishly.

She held up her hands. "It's okay. Have you..." she knew she was on dangerous ground but while she was willing to cut him a lot of slack, she wasn't willing to let him stick his head in the sand. "Have you told Noah yet?"

"Don't push me" he pleaded quietly. "I have to...I need to do this my way."

"You may feel better if he knows" she suggested.

Closing his locker door, he turned and stared at her, his hands slung low on his hips. "Maybe but right now I'm not sure who I want to know or what I want them to know. And Robin...I know you want to help me but please, please don't tell my father because you think it will help."

Curling her knees into her chest, she nodded before resting her chin on her knees. "I promise Noah won't hear it from me."

"Thanks."

"Can I do anything to help?" she asked hopefully, her brown eyes searching his face.

"You've done it" he replied, giving her a small smile. Leaning in, he dropped a kiss on the top of her head and lingered for just a moment. "I'll...I'll see you tomorrow." Turning on his heel, he slipped quickly from the locker room.

Robin stared at the door for several minutes, dumbfounded. Her heart was pounding and her palms were sweaty, it had suddenly dawned on her that she was in love with Patrick. Totally, completely, achingly in love with him. Unsure of when exactly it happened, she realized when all she wanted to do was take this burden from him that she could deny it no longer. She had spent the better part of a decade sheilding her heart and despite her best efforts someone had broken through the layers and the walls and claimed it. Shaking her head, she rubbed her hands over her face.

_Looks like you got your committed relationship by default, Dr. Scorpio._

There could not be a worse time for her to admit the truth to herself or to him.

Pushing open the hotel room door, he absently tossed his room key on the side table and dropped his bag before flopping onto the couch. Looking around the elegantly furnished room, he realized it was devoid of any personal touch. In the seven months since he had arrived in Port Charles he had managed to only unpack his clothes - there were no photos, no momentos, not a single clue that anyone other than some random guest lived there. Smirking, he realized it was not that different from his old apartment in Manhattan. After his mother died and he left for university he became an expert at travelling light - no extras, no trunkloads of memories to weigh him down - ready to run at a moment's notice. But now, alone in his room, he was struck by how small his life seemed.

Hoping to catch the late baseball game, he had just reached for the remote when a wave of nausea crashed over him; covering his mouth he sprinted to the bathroom. Falling to his knees, he gripped the toilet bowl and emptied his stomach of the little lunch he had managed to tolerate. He pulled himself to his shaky feet, exhausted from the wretching and splashed cold water on his face. That afternoon on the docks, just after he had cut himself, Robin had promised him that no matter what he was not alone. He wanted to believe her but yet he was unable to shake the feeling that he really was all on his own.

Trudging back to the sitting room, he phoned room service and ordered a pot of mint tea, several pieces of dry toast and yogurt; it had been the same dinner for the last two nights and if the nausea didn't pass soon he was convinced it would be all he ever ate. Feeling sorry for himself had never really been a part of his make up but it was fast approaching his default position. Leaning forward, he cradled his head in his hands. "Come on Drake, get a fucking grip, would you?" he said out loud to himself.

Jumping at the knock at his door, he was grateful for the interruption. Signing for his dinner, he carried a steaming cup of tea and piece of toast back to the couch and turned on the baseball game. It provided a minimal distraction as he sipped the tea, hoping it would soothe his stomach before his next round of medication. Yet again, he thought of Robin. Searching his memory he realized he hadn't often seen her take her protocol, even on the nights she would sleep over; she would often grab a bottle of water from the mini-bar and slip to the bathroom. He had never spent much time thinking about it before this; as far as he was concerned, her HIV was such a small part of who she was. But now he had a clarity about Robin that had been out of reach for so long - HIV was indeed a manageable disease but someone had to manage it - taking meds on time, monitoring health, taking extra precautions to protect yourself and others. It was little wonder she controlled her life so carefully, it was the only way she could cope.

He was haunted by a look in her eyes. He had first noticed it when Alan was explaining the PEP protocol to him and every once in a while he would catch her looking at him and it would be there again. Despite the brave, supportive front she was putting on for him, she was definitely struggling. He could only imagine the nightmare this brought to mind for her and he wanted to help but he didn't know how to do that when he was barely keeping it together himself. He made a promise to himself that he would keep an eye on her and make sure that her taking care of him didn't come at a cost - his feelings for Robin were a jumbled, tangled mess but he was very sure that he didn't want anything to happen to her.

The alarm on his watch began to bleat, reminding him it was time for his next dose. "Right on time" he thought "I was just starting to feel good." Reaching for the pills, he pried open the top and counted out his meds. The cycle began again.

**Chapter 3**

_**It's funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word. We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard. **_

As he walked down the hallway, Patrick looked at his watch and his lips twitched upwards in a small smile. It had been three hours and twenty minutes since his last dose of medication and he only felt marginally weak. That was progress. Turning the corner, he heard Robin's voice carrying across the lobby and he came to a complete stop, ducking behind a plant.

"I'm handling it" she said sharply, looking up at Alan.

"Robin -listen. You're a wonderful doctor. I have seen you grow up and I'm very proud of you. You show extraordinary strength and determination." Patrick was unable to keep the smile from his face as he agreed with Alan's description of her. "But that being said, I want you to promise me something."

"Sure."

"This Gilbert case would rattle the nerves of any attending physician, let alone someone with your background."

"Well, she needs someone with my background" Robin insisted, pulling the chart against her chest. Her chin was set in determination, daring Alan to tell her otherwise.

"I'm worried about your needs. You're already worried about Patrick and his exposure to AIDS. It's an awful lot on your plate. So just promise me that if you become overwhelmed, you'll come and tell me." He smiled kindly at her, their bond strengthened by the years passed since she was first diagnosed.

"Alan" she sighed quietly, "I'm okay. Honestly this is my job and I intend to follow through."

Grimacing slightly, he looked intently at her. "There is no shame in wanting to transfer this case to - "

"No. That won't be necessary" she replied hastily. There was simply no way this case would be anyone's but hers. Hers and Patrick's. "I want to be the one to take care of her, for her and myself. And I want Patrick to see me do it. I want him to know that living with HIV doesn't make you less than who you were..."

Patrick's stomach dropped as he listened to her. He had suspected for several days that she was putting on a front for him but until now was truly not aware of how deep that front was. How could she think for a moment that he thought living with HIV made someone less than who they were? Did she not know how much he respected her? Not only for the doctor she was but for the person she was. Didn't she know that if he still believed in having heroes, she would be one of his? Not because she had HIV - having a disease doesn't make you brave but refusing to back down from it does. He shook his head - one day and soon, he would need to tell her what she meant to him - as soon as he could figure out how to do it.

"Hiding from someone?"

Patrick jumped at the sound of his father's voice. He was equally comforted and nervous as the rich baritone echoed in his ears. "Hey - Dad" he said, turning slowly. "How was Arizona?"

"Good" Noah smiled. "Golfing was fantastic. What's been going on here?" he asked, following Patrick's gaze to Robin talking to Alan. "Oh god - don't tell me - you two broke up again? Do I need to arrange another lunch?"

Smirking, Patrick rolled his eyes. "No thanks - Robin and I are fine." Looking at his father he toyed briefly with the idea of not telling him, of keeping it all to himself. But looking into his father's earnest, hazel eyes he imagined the disappointment if he heard it from someone else and decided to bite the bullet. "Listen, Dad - can I buy you a coffee? There's something I want to run by you."

Noah looked at his watch. "Do you want to meet for lunch?"

The thought of trying manoever his way through the offensive smells in the cafeteria or Kelly's sent his stomach reeling. "Er, lunch isn't good for me - coffee - around 3?"

Noah gave him a strange look but shrugged his shoulders. "Sure -do you want to meet..."

"How about I swing by your office?" he suggested quickly, noticing Robin walking in the other direction.

"Okay" he agreed. "See you then."

Robin stormed through the front doors of the hospital and stomped across to the park, kicking the first bench she saw. "Fuck!" she yelled as her foot began to throb slightly.

"Tsk! Tsk! Language Dr. Scorpio."

Turning around, Robin's cheeks flushed in small embarassment. "Sonny" she smiled.

"Hi sweetheart" he said, kissing her lightly on her cheek. "I'd ask how you are but I'm a little concerned about the bench - what did it ever do to you?"

Smiling sheepishly, she jammed her hands into her pockets. "Nothing - I just...I'm just a little frustrated."

Walking to the other side of her, he sat down on the bench and looked up at her expectantly. "Why don't you tell me about it?"

"Oh - I...I don't know - it's just..."

Sonny pursed his lips together. "I know that you and I aren't as close as we once were and that's my fault but I still consider you a friend and I'm a pretty good listener," he offered.

Her face softening, Robin sat down beside him, pulling her knees up to her chest. "Can I ask you something?" she queried, playing with the buckle on her sandal.

"You can ask me anything" he reassured her, turning to face her.

"When you see me...when you look at me - is HIV the first thing you think of?"

Sonny's eyes widened in surprise at her question. "Why-why would you think that?"

"Do you?" she pressed.

Slowly shaking his head, he looked at her intently. "Robin - I see so many things when I look at you but I don't think of HIV. It doesn't mean I forget that you have - that you're positive - but it's such a small part of who you are. You know, when I saw you in the tunnel, after the train derailment, all I could think of was how much I missed you - seeing you standing in front of me even in the middle of that chaos - I missed you." Robin smiled at her old friend. "But tell me sweetheart, is someone giving you a hard time about being HIV? Do I need to set someone straight?"

Robin exhaled quietly. As strange as it was, even after all these years and all the hurt between them, there was something enormously comforting about having someone willing to ride to your rescue when you needed it. Sonny was a person of absolutes, he was either on your side or he wasn't, there was no in between. She had always known that she could call on him if she needed him but she had never done it because her pride would simply not let her. But here on the bench there was an ease to being with Sonny and a million memories of double dates, daring outings and death all came flooding back.

"No Sonny - it's not that."

"Then what?" he asked, softly.

"I'm treating an end-stage AIDS patient and people seem to think I shouldn't, that it would be too difficult for me."

"Is it?" As always, Sonny could be counted on to be blunt.

Tilting her head to the side, she chewed on her bottom lip. "No. She's not the first AIDS patient that I've treated in my career - it's just...it's complicated." Sonny said nothing and simply waited. He knew her well enough to know that if given enough time she would open up. And she did. The words tumbled out as she told him about Patrick's fight with administration to treat April Gilbert, cutting himself in the OR, refusing to stop the procedure to clean up and therefore further increasing his risk and going on the protocol.

"Sounds like Dr. Drake is a pretty brave guy" he surmised.

"He's amazing" she said quietly. "It took such courage to do what he did and now I want to honour his courage by showing him that if the worst happens, if he tests positive, he will be okay. That you can live a rich and full life with HIV."

Sonny was silent for a moment as he studied her face. "Don't you think he already knows that?"

"What?"

"Robin - he's your boyfriend, right?"

"Well - we...I...we're not good with definitions" she stammered.

He waved his hand. "Fine. You guys care for each other - and so he must already know, by watching you, the HIV is not the end - it's just a new beginning. That being said, this has to be affecting you."

Scrunching up her face, she shook her head. "No -Sonny I'm a doctor. I'm used to..."

"Robin" he closed his hand over hers. "This isn't about being a doctor - this is about a person you care for being exposed to a disease that already took someone you - we - loved. All the doctor training in the world can't help you through that."

Her eyes pricked with tears and Robin blinked them away. "I know" she replied quickly, "but I can help him through this - I can show him the way - answer his questions about HIV, about his meds. Every time I think we're making some headway on this, he pushes me away. I can do this for him..."

"Sweetheart, is it possible you're doing to him what you just asked me?" Seeing the quizzical look on her face, he carried on. "Is it possible he thinks you only see HIV when you see him?" Robin's mouth dropped open slightly. "Robin, I'm sure he's got Alan or someone taking care of his medication and doing his testing and knowing the hospital, it's probably the number one topic of gossip. Maybe what he needs most from you is to be treated like he was before he was exposed, to be reminded that he is more than just potentially being HIV positive."

Realization dawned on Robin and her cheeks turned crimson as she buried her face in her hands. "Oh god!" she exclaimed. "I am doing that, aren't I?" Breathing in sharply she thought of the ways she had tried to push him to talk about the exposure and what it meant. In fact, it had been the only topic of conversation she had pursued since that afternoon in the OR.

Lifting her head, she looked into Sonny's familiar, kind eyes. "You know, I just...I was so lucky after I tested positive. I had you, Mac, Brenda - I had so many people to help me Sonny and I never for a minute felt like I was alone. Even when Stone died, I never, ever felt alone - that part came so much later. I just want to give that to Patrick, to let him know that he doesn't have to go through this on his own."

Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, he smiled lovingly at her. "Robin, you do that just by being who you are. I bet if you don't push him, if instead you treat him like your boyfriend..."

"We're not -" she protested.

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. If you treat him like your - like someone who matters to you, he will open up to you. Be his safe place Robin."

Throwing her arms around him, she hugged him tightly. "Thank you" she whispered into his shoulder.

Sonny closed his eyes and reveled momentarily at the familiar feel of his friend in his arms. "Anytime. I'm sorry I haven't been a better friend" he said quietly.

Nervously pacing in front of Noah's office door, Patrick felt his chest tighten and his breath shorten. It was the right thing to do - telling his father - but it was by no means an easy thing to do. After years of acrimony and anger, there was finally detente between them. Patrick donating part of his liver to save Noah's life was a turning point in their fractured relationship but the road will still bumpy and fraught with pot holes. Inhaling deeply he balanced one coffee cup on top of the other and knocked on the door before pushing it open.

"Hey, Dad." He hoped the anxiety coursing through him wasn't seeping out in his voice.

Looking up from his paperwork, Noah pulled his glasses from his face and leaned back in his chair. "Hey sport."

Patrick sat down across from him and passed him a coffee. Picking it up, Noah examined the logo imprinted on the side. "Coffee from Kelly's? You're either in trouble or you want something..." he teased, smiling. Seeing his son's weak smile in response, he furrowed his brow. "Patrick? Wha'ts wrong?" He swallowed thickly, trying to push down the lump rising in his throat.

"I operated on an AIDS patient the other day and during the course of the surgery, I cut my finger," he said quickly, as though ripping off the band aid. "I'm on the PEP protocol and my first test was negative - it's very likely I will also be negative at six months. I just...I thought...I just wanted you to know." His heart beat wildly against his ribs. Saying it out loud - to his father, no less - made it real in a way that he had yet to experience.

Exhaling quietly, Noah clasped his hands behind his head. "Wow." Silence hung in the room, growing thicker with each passing moment. "How is the patient?" Noah was trying to stall while he formulated his thoughts. He felt a familiar fear grip him, the same one when his wife was first diagnosed with her tumor and while he knew it was irrational to think his son was going to die he could not quite push the thought from his mind.

"She's okay," he said quietly. "She's recovering nicely and Alan has her on a strong dose of ARVs but she went so long without proper medical care, without access to meds or good nutrition that she is in end stage."

"Damn" Noah said under his breath. "And you? How are you coping with all this?"

He shrugged non-chalantly. "I'm okay...I guess. I'm nauseous most of the time but I seem to be going longer between doses without tossing my cookies."

Noah played absently with the lid on the coffee cup before looking his son in the eye. "Patrick, I am so sorry. I am so sorry this happened to you."

"It's no big deal" he replied unconvincingly. Patrick was uncomfortable with his father's sympathy but there was a part of him that wanted to throw himself into his arms and hide there until it was all over.

"Patrick," Noah admonished gently. "It's a huge deal. Can I help?"

"Can you make me stop wanting to hurl?" he joked, his head in his hands.

"Actually," Noah said, tapping his chin. "I have a great recipe I used to use for hangovers. It's awful but it works."

"I'll take anything at this point. God, I don't know how she does it" he said more to himself than to his father.

"Robin?" he probed carefully. Noah wanted to be supportive to his son, to be the father he had not been for more than a decade but he knew he had to tread carefully. One wrong step and his son could exclude him for good.

Patrick nodded, dragging his hand through his hair. "She...she was with me...when it happened. She's been so good Dad - talking me through the blood tests, through the meds..." his voice trailed off and he looked wistfully out the window.

"I sense a but?"

"But. This can't be easy for her. This has to, on some level, remind her of Stone and I don't...I don't want her being brave for me - I don't want her putting me ahead of her feelings."

"Do you think she's doing that?" he questioned.

"I don't know," he said, rubbing his hands together. "I...I'm just worried about the toll this is going to take on her and I don't know how to make it better."

"Sometimes there is no making it better son. Sometimes it just is what it is," he said knowingly. Leaning his elbows on his desk, he inhaled quietly and smiled shyly. "Let me ask you something without you storming out or yelling at me." Patrick quirked his eyebrows up in curiousity. "Are you in love with her?"

Letting out a small whoosh of breath, he shook his head. "I don't know," he admitted. And it was the truth; he had no idea if he was in love with Robin because he wasn't sure what it was supposed to feel like, what it meant to be in love. "You know, I've never wanted to take care of someone else before. I was always moving from one girl to the next, one conquest to the next but what I've learned in the last four days, since this happened, is that I want to take care of her. I want to be the one to make it okay for her. Dad," he sighed heavily "I want to protect her from this."

Noah's own heart, which had been feeling rather bruised after his son's admission of being exposed to HIV, sprang to life. Though he had long suspected his son was falling for the ravenhaired beauty, this was as close to a real admission of love he had ever made. He was always searching for reasons and explanations as to why things happened - it had been his undoing with his wife's death, he had been unable to find any reasonable explanation for it or any lesson to be learned - but perhaps amidst this particular madness, his son would finally let down some of the walls he had been so carefully constructing for years.

"Have you told her this?" Patrick shook his head. "Do you think you might?" he prodded.

"I just...I don't want to hurt her Dad."

"You can't hurt her by being honest," he replied softly. "She's scared for you, you're scared for her - let her in Patrick," he encouraged. "You may be surprised at what that does for both of you."

Chewing on his bottom lip, Patrick was surprised at how soothing he found his father's words to be and he was reminded at how often he could have used them in the past, when he was struggling with choices about schools and residencies. He wanted to tell him that he needed him as much as he needed Robin if he was going to come through this but the words remained stuck in his throat.

"Thanks for the talk" he said gruffly, standing up.

Noah nodded and watched as he walked towards the door. "Patty?" he called to him.

Patrick's hand gripped the door knob. "Yeah?" he slowly turned around.

"Thank...thank you for telling me. I'm here if you need me."

Nodding, Patrick swallowed down the feelings welling up inside him before quickly exiting the office. Sprinting for the stairwell, he climbed them two at a time until he reached the door for the roof and kicked it open. He ran to the edge and rubbed his hands over his face, feeling the cool air invade his lungs. The look in Robin's eyes, the one she had when she didn't think he was looking, continued to haunt him. He wasn't sure what love was but it was entirely possible that this could be the beginning of it. But could he really go there with this hanging over him? Knowing that him being HIV positive would put her at risk both medically and emotionally.

"How do I do this?" he asked out loud. "How do I do any of this?"

**Chapter 4**

_**This thing beneath my ribs will beat me to the ground**_

He hadn't realized how far he had run until he had reached the stairs of the Elm Street pier. Bent over at the waist and gasping for air, he sank on to the steps and placed his head in his hands. What had he just done? Embarrassed, humiliated, _mortified_, he had succeeded in doing the one thing he had sworn he wouldn't do - he had hurt Robin. The look on her face as he rejected her and ran from her apartment was almost more than he could bear.

She had hung around the locker room, waiting for him and much to his surprise she had asked nothing about how he was feeling; instead she asked him for dinner. She was flirty and bright and sexy - damn sexy; and just for a minute he felt like everything was normal again. Her apartment was comforting and enticing - she had certainly gone all out with flowers and candles. The smells wafting from her kitchen were enough to stimulate even his wobbly appetite. Her skin was golden brown and there was a glow to her that he found irresistible but in a most ironic turn of events, he would have to resist her. Her skin smelled of vanilla and ginger, a sweet heat emanated from her and her hair tickled his hand as they sat on the couch. Uncomfortable as his body reacted to her nearness, he shifted several times. She leaned in, stroking his arm, touching his chest and yet he rebuffed her. It took everything in him to keep her at arm's length, to not pull her underneath him and devour her with the passion she stirred in him. But the risk was too great - for the first time in his life he was truly frightened to have sex. And then he did the most cowardly of things - he ran. Out the door, down the stairs, through the door of her building - he ran. He kept running until he could simply run no longer.

The early August air was stuffy, hanging heavily; lights flickered on and off as demands on the power supply ramped up. Breathing in deeply, he looked out over the water smirking to himself as he had unknowingly returned to the place she had taken him to help him find some perspective. He wanted to be with her so badly, to wrap his body around hers and feel energy coursing through him as they worked each other from one glorious climax to the next - that would provide all the perspective he truly needed. But every time he thought of her lithe body or the taste of her lips Alan's words echoed in his ears.

_"You have tested negative so far but you're not in the clear - there is still a possibility that you could be positive within the next six months. You should know that there is a risk of cross-contamination if two people who are HIV positive engage in intercourse. There are multiple strains of the virus and should an HIV positive person be infected with a strain that is not the same it could severly impact how their protocol works or if it works at all." _

_"Are you saying I should refrain from sex for the next six months?" he asked as visions of Robin played in his mind. _

_Alan shook his head. "I'm not saying that. What I am saying is that you and...any partner you have need to be fully informed of the risks and make your decisions from there. There is no right answer here Patrick - it's what you and Ro- your partner are comfortable with." _

There were many things he could accept but risking Robin's life was not one of them. Clinically he understood the changes to his life - the medication, the side effects - it all made sense; emotionally he was a mess. Sitting on the hard steps he thought back to how he had handled feelings like this in the past and it had usually invovled heading to a hot bar, finding a hot and willing woman and losing himself in the anonymity of it all. It wasn't an option for him this time but what surprised him the most was that wasn't what he wanted anyways even if it were an option. He didn't want nameless, meaningless sex - he wanted to be with someone who knew him, be with someone that he mattered to and that mattered to him. It was a pretty small list to choose from, so why was he sitting alone on a pier?

Robin challenged him to be honest with her and with himself. There hadn't been anyone in his life who pushed him that in a very long time and it scared him. There was no half-way with her, no passengers in her life - you were either in it or not. He had come to a crossroads. He could let her help him through this, depend on her to support him in moments of weakness - something that was counterintuitive for him or he could end things now, before they got too deep. He was used to being on his own, relying on himself to get by - there was no reason to think that he couldn't do so again.

Except he didn't want to be on his own. Not anymore.

Wiping away the remnants of tears that had streaked down his face, he stood up and brushed down his pants, tucked in his shirt and left the pier.

Robin looked at her watch as she heard the knock at the door. It could only be one person and while he had been gone longer than she thought he would be, she had been sure all along that he would return. She wanted to tell him that she recognized the fear in his eyes, the lack of confidence in his step and that it was all completely normal. There was no way to be exposed to HIV and all that it represents both socially and medically and not be shaken to your core. She was desperate to tell him that he could lean on her, depend her _trust_ her but she knew him. Part of what made Patrick a brilliant doctor almost made him difficult to get close to as a person - in the OR he never trusted what he was told for that was only part of the picture - he trusted what he saw, whether it was symptoms or the lackthereof. There was just no telling Patrick how something was or should be, you had to let him see it for himself.

"Hello?" she smiled knowingly as she opened the door.

"Am I..." he panted. The heat was oppressive. "Am I too late for dinner?"

Robin took his hand and gently pulled him inside. "Come in."

There had been a thousand apologies swirling in his mind but one look at her, her easy acceptance of who he was and he was momentarily speechless. He looked over at the table and saw that it was still set for them and a small smile formed at the corner of his mouth. She had been confident he would be back - almost like she knew him better than he knew himself. He stumbled over his apology and she tried time and again to let him off the hook until he finally got to the root of his worry.

"About not wanting to be with you. It isn't because I'm not attracted to you - it's just the opposite. I want to protect you."

Giving him a quizzical look, Robin smiled. "You already do - we are always careful."

She was so trusting of him and it made his knees weak; he knew with someone who believed that much in him he had even more of a responsibility to keep her safe. He urgently cupped her cheek, his eyes locked on hers. "I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I got you sick." She looked at him with such infinite understanding that he pulled her against his chest and kissed her forehead.

Robin poured them each a glass of wine and led him to the couch. And then she did something that took Patrick's breath away - she told him about her early days after her diagnosis. It struck him as almost amazing that they had been in each other's lives for so long and this was the first real conversation they had about her HIV. They had talked around it - he had seen her meds - they had discussed transmission risk before having sex but they had never talked about what it was like for her to live with it, to have been diagnosed.

"I never would have thought I would live this long" she said, "or have a career as a doctor. Not to mention the sex life" she said teasingly, catching his eye. He gave her a wry grin in response. She told him about the effectivness of the drug protocols and early detection and how she was, in so many ways, a positive poster child for being positive. And then she went straight to the heart of the matter. "But some things haven't changed. There's still no cure. And there still is fear. Fear of catching it by casual contact or fear of passing it to someone you care about by being intimate."

"Yeah" he agreed tightly.

"I was lucky" she pressed on, hoping he could see the evidence of what she was telling him. "I got over that because I was with someone who was incredibly brave and so patient with me and kind and he helped me believe I could be loved again and that I could love again."

"Jason" he thought to himself. He had been completely confused by her relationship with Jason; they seemed to polar opposites and yet from the little he did know they still had a deep bond. He had never understood it until now. He was uncomfortable with the sudden gratitude he was feeling for the mobster. Whatever else he had done, he had made it possible for someone like Robin to be around and open for someone like him.

"And that's what I want to do for you" she admitted. There was no point in dressing it up as something other than it was. She wanted to - needed to - show him that potentially being HIV positive was no obstacle to being intimate. "I know that you won't hurt me" she assured him. "But until you know that, until you're sure of that...I can wait."

"You're amazing" he said hoarsely, his voice thick with a myriad of feelings.

"It's about time you figured that out" she teased.

Patrick felt the tension begin to leave his body. What was it about this tiny woman with the feriocious spirit that made him feel so alive? Leaning in, he cradled the back of her head and gently closed his mouth over hers. There was a sweetness to her lips as he pulled on them and a feeling of familiarity he couldn't quite place. Dinner was all but forgotten as he lightly pushed her back against the couch and laid on top of her continuing to taste her. Their tongues tangled softly, exploring their limits. She ran her hands over his strong shoulders, relieved that he gave into what he was feeling. She had been trying to convince herself that she really wasn't falling in love with him but she was failing miserably.

Feeling his stomach pitch and roll, he pulled back suddenly as all the colour drained from his face.

Robin's lips were swollen and her eyes hazy with desire but she sat up immediately. "Nausea?"

He nodded. "I should go...again" he offered sheepishly.

Shaking her head she said, "No. Stay here - let me take care of you."

His eyes dropped to his hands. "I don't...I don't want you to see me sick" he whispered.

"Oh please" she dismissed good naturedly. "I'm an actual doctor - sick people is what I do."

He covered his mouth as another wave of nausea washed over him. "Yeah but I'm not your patient, I'm your...well we're..." he stammered, confused as to how to refer to their relationship - he had never needed a definition before.

"You are someone who matters to me very much" she said quietly, looking into his eyes. "And you're going to stay here and let me take care of you."

"Robin..." he protested.

"You don't have to be alone anymore Patrick - you have me. Okay?"

She could have no clue what those words meant to him. His jaw dropped slightly as he tried to swallow down the sudden surge of feelings she had stirred up. "Okay."

**Chapter 5**

**Then you smile at me and watch me lose control. **

Waking in the middle of the night, Patrick momentarily forgot where he was until his eyes settled on Robin's lithe body, bathed in moonlight. Her chestnut brown hair was splayed about the pillow and her lips rippled as she breathed, content in a deep sleep. She had insisted he get into bed and once settled brought him a cup of mint tea that went a long way to settle his stomach. She rubbed his shoulders and stroked his hair and though he tried to maintain that he wasn't sleepy, he gave into slumber minutes later. It was the most relaxed he had been in more than a week. He had no idea when Robin had crawled in to bed with him but there was something about sharing a bed with her that felt incredibly right. Reaching out he traced the thin line of her tank top delighting in the softness of her skin. Rolling on to his side, he dropped a kiss on her bare shoulder. Dipping his hand below the blanket, he dragged his fingers over her lace boy shorts and curled it under her shirt, stroking her taut abdomen.

"Mmmm" she moaned quietly, her eyes fluttering.

"Shhh" he replied, "go back to sleep."

Prying her eyes open, she greeted him with the sultriest of smiles. "Like I can sleep if you're touching me."

"I didn't mean to wake you" he apologized.

Robin closed her hand over his and brought up further, cupping her breast. "I'm glad you did" she said huskily, her eyes locked on his. "I like it when you touch me."

Closing his eyes he let out a small sigh at the feel of her warm body beneath his hand. The smallest of touches from her awakened his body in a way that had never happened before. Pinching her nipple, he rolled it between his thumb and forefinger, smiling as he felt her arch in to his touch. Dropping his head, he nuzzled her neck, breathing in her intoxicating scent. His lips brushed her neck, her ear and then her jaw before finally making contact with her lips. Their mouths fused together in a soft, languid, needful kiss; Robin's tongue darted from her mouth to meet his, tangling and tasting.

Breathlessly pulling back, Patrick traced the outline of her swollen lips with his thumb. "You are so beautiful" he said huskily.

Her eyes were dark pools of lust as she placed her hand on his chest, stroking her fingers through the dusting of chest hair. "This is how you make me feel," she replied. As he lowered his head to taste her again, she cupped his cheek and smiled lovingly at him. "Patrick - we don't have to do anything that you are not comfortable with."

Laughing lightly he brushed his fingers across her cheek. "I think that's supposed to be my line," he teased. "I don't know what I was thinking Robin - there is no way I can go six months without sex...without having sex with you. I can barely go six minutes without wanting to make..." he caught himself, "without wanting to be with you."

Smiling, Robin sat up and pushed him back against the pillows, straddling his hips. Peeling off her tanktop she tossed it behind her and looked deeply into his eyes, her naked body offered before him. "I'm right here" she said. Picking up his hand she brought his fingers to her mouth kissing them one by one. Patrick's eyes fluttered closed and he let out a silent sigh as she kissed his bandaged finger; it felt as though she was taking the venom from it. Gripping her by the waist, he flipped her underneath him and closed his mouth overtop hers. Their kisses were slow but passionate, tender but wet and both their bodies flushed from the heat.

Tracing his fingers across the soft skin of her belly he pulled back the elastic band of her shorts and dipped his hand inside curling his fingers through the delicate curls, smiling against her skin as he felt the evidence of her desire. Her legs parted almost involuntarily as she silently asked for more. So often the sex between them was hurried and hot, done with great urgency but Patrick was in no rush tonight. He wanted to feel every ripple, every response. Moving from her mouth, he dragged his tongue along her neck before closing his lips around her earlobe and sucking gently. Robin moaned as she ran her foot along the back of his leg, tracing his lean muscles. Patrick curled his finger inside her, pumping it slowly as her breathing became more ragged in response. He continued to cover her skin in small, soft kisses latching on to one hardened nipple and then the other. He laved them with his tongue and Robin's hands flew to his hair, fisting it as tremors built inside her.

"Oh God Patrick" she panted.

"Does you feel good baby?" he asked hoarsely as he flicked her hardened peak with his tongue.

"So, so good" she said, clenching her eyes shut as desire coursed through her.

His fingers gripped her boy shorts and pulled them down her legs; her hips came off the bed to help him and he could not resist placing a sweet kiss on her sex, his tongue fluttering against the bundle of nerves nestled at her apex. "You taste amazing" he told her as his mouth explored her skin. His arousal was making itself known, almost painfully so, but he tried to ignore it concentrating instead on Robin. Never before had he been so invested in another person's pleasure. Making Robin feel good, making her toes curl and her body writhe in pleasure was all he wanted.

Robin slid her hands down the back of his shorts, massaging his behind. "Why am I the only one naked?" she asked, lifting her hips and grinding them against him.

"Robin" he hissed. Rising from the bed he pushed his shorts from his hips and let them drop to the ground, pooling around his feet. His erection jutted out in front of him and she licked her lips as she reached out and wrapped her hand around it. Patrick closed his eyes, letting his head drop back. Her hand worked his length making him even harder than he already was. Fumbling, he reached over to the nightstand and retreived a condom, pressing it in to Robin's hand.

"Are you sure?" she asked seriously, worried that he was rushing things.

"Are you?" he asked, his legs trembling slighty.

Tearing open the square packet Robin unrolled the condom and sheathed him, trailing her fingers over his sensitive head. Shuddering, Patrck crawled back on the bed towards her, pulling her leg over his hip as he thrust inside her. Their lips met again in a dizzying, long, tender kiss as his hips undulated against hers. Their chests heaved and their bodies were slick with sweat as they worked towards their climaxes. Robin's hands swept across his skin, touching as much of him as possible. They locked eyes with each other as they moved effortlessly to the edge before tumbling over it.

She rested her head on his chest listening as his heartbeat returned to normal, her arms snaked around his waist; their legs were tangled up in each other. Patrick pressed several kisses in to the top of her head. Lifting her head, she smiled lazily at him. "Are you okay?"

Looking into her rich, brown eyes, lost in the afterglow of being with her, he felt like some of the weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Robin had this way of getting past all his defences, through his carefully constructed walls and rather than it terrifying him it balanced him. He pressed his lips into hers, tasting her delicate sweetness.

"I'm more than okay."

Patrick leaned against the doorway to April Gilbert's room reviewing her chart. He was disheartened by her poor response to treatment and understood that she really was at the end and there was very little he or anyone could do but make her comfortable. He had already warded of Iris Sneed, the hospital's persnickety adminstrator, on two occassions as she tried to have April moved to the county hospital since she was uninsured. If he couldn't save her life then the very least he could do was ensure that when it ended she was at ease and at peace if possible.

"I'm not sleeping" she said weakly.

"You should be," he admonished teasingly as he walked in the room.

"I can sleep when I'm dead" she replied, smiling.

"Not funny" he told her. Death was failure to him. He became a doctor first to emulate his father and then to save lives. His competitive nature had been developed early on and as he worked his way through medical school, he viewed death as some invisible combatant in a war for his patients. It was always personal when he lost someone, he could never accept that he could not save everyone.

"Dr. Drake - we're all going to die." She grinned at him.

"Yeah, yeah, I know" he grinned back at her. "But you're not going to do it today, on my watch - got it?"

"You're looking better but your bedside manner still stinks" she joked.

"This is as good as I get" he retorted.

"Are you feeling better? Has the protocol settled down?" Her concern was etched on her face.

"April" he said softly, "you're not supposed to be looking after me - that's why they pay me the big bucks." It had been nearly two weeks since April's surgery and he was feeling more and more like his old self every day. He had spent almost every night at Robin's place since that night she had cooked dinner for him and he wasn't sure if he was feeling better because he was used to the medication or because of the effect Robin had on him - he suspected it was a little bit of both.

"Dr. Drake..."

"Patrick" he corrected her.

"Patrick" she said softly, "I have to know you're okay - after what you did for me..." her voice faltered slightly.

Patrick took her hand and closed his around it. "April, I did what any doctor would do..."

She shook her head. "No. Do you have any idea how many times I have been refused care because people didn't want to deal with me? I had a toothache that became abscessed because I couldn't find a dentist to treat me. You didn't do what any doctor would do - you took a risk, a huge risk and the idea that I might have given you this ...this horror..." her eyes welled with tears and she bit down on her lip to keep from crying.

He was flabbergasted for a moment. It had never occurred to him not to treat her and he was having difficulty imagining what kind of doctor could, in good conscience, refuse to treat someone so desperately in need of care. And yet again his mind turned to Robin and he wondered if she had ever been refused anything because of her HIV status; would there come a time, like April, where she would be so roundly rejected by those who should know better? His chest tightened as he thought of her and he shook his head trying to place his feelings at bay.

"April I need you to listen to me, to really hear me," he insisted, unaware of another young doctor listening at the door. "Those doctors, those dentists who wouldn't treat you were wrong..."

"No, I get it," she interrupted.

"I don't" he said, his voice tinged with anger. "You deserved treatment then and deserve it now - I would never be able to live with myself if I had refused to treat you. As for me being exposed," he shook his head, "there are worst things than having HIV. I have an amazing...friend...who has shown me in a million ways that life doesn't stop because of a diagnosis."

"Robin" April smiled knowingly, "and I think she's more than your friend."

Patrick smiled in spite of himself. "Anyways" he said exaggeratedly, ignoring her statement, "I don't want you worrying about whether or not I have HIV. I want you to rest and heal. You may have end stage AIDS April but you still have some living to do. And for the record, if I had it to do over, I would still operate on you."

Robin caught her breath and quietly slipped from the doorway, afraid of being caught. Her heart was near to bursting at his admissions and she was reminded yet again that Patrick, when unguarded, was possibly the most remarkable person she knew.

Having sat with April until she finally fell asleep, Patrick replaced her chart at the foot of her bed and headed out of the room, pulling the door shut behind him. Walking towards the Nurses' Station he looked down in surprise to see his left hand tembling. Thinking it was a cramp, he flexed and clenched his first trying to work away the tremor; after several minutes it finally passed. Turning the corner, he stopped short as he saw Robin in full fight mode.

"Put down the crack pipe Ms. Sneed" Robin snarled.

"Charming - is that what a Yale education buys you these days?" the woman sneered, towering over Robin.

"For the last time, April Gilbert is NOT being moved. If you touch so much as a hair on her head I will call Nikolas Cassadine, Alan Quartermaine and I will have my friend D.A. Davis file an injunction against this hospital. And if that's not enough, I will call the media and hold a press conference on the front lawn informing everyone of the discriminatory practices of this hospital."

"You don't scare me," she replied, unconvincingly.

"Then you are severely underestimating me." Patrick smirked to himself, thinking truer words had never been spoken. He had the scars to prove that dismissing Robin too quickly was a bad idea. There was something about seeing her fight, her fiery spirit on full display that made his heart beat a little faster.

"She can't pay - she is taking up a bed from a patient who can."

"Is that all you're worried about?"

"You dismiss it like it's a small matter."

"I will get you your stupid money" she huffed and turning on her heel stormed towards the elevator.

Patrick watched as she waited for the elevator and knew by the way her jaw was set that she was determined and would not rest until she got what she wanted. She was a source of constant amazement to him and he knew that she was one of those once in a lifetime people. And out of nowhere a small voice in the back of his head spoke up:

_"I'm in love with her." _

**Chapter 6**

**One day you're waiting for the sky to fall, next you're dazzled by the beauty of it all**

As Iris Sneed continued on what was now nearly an hourly tirade, Patrick wondered briefly if his eyeballs could cramp from repeated rolling. She had sought him out at the Nurses Station complaining about the bad precedent he was setting by not signing off on April Gilbert's move to county hospital. Somewhere between being told about how irresponsible it was of him to operate on her and how April was taking up a bed from a paying patient, Patrick thought his brains had begun to leak out his ears and he snapped.

"Is the view pretty good up there?" he sniped.

"Pardon?" the adminstrator spluttered.

"I'm just wondering if the view in the cheaps seats is good? Because it occurs to me that in the two weeks that April Gilbert has been a patient in this hospital all you've managed to do is moan about her taking up space. How nice for you that you never have to get your hands dirty Ms. Sneed -how nice that you never have to look another human being in the eye and tell them that despite all the advances of modern medicine there is absolutely nothing you can do for them and they are going to die."

Her cheeks flushed crimson in embarrassment and her green eyes flashed with anger. "We all can't be doctors..."

"Lucky for our patients that applies to you."

Ms. Sneed opened to her mouth to reply when the elevator doors opened. "You Iris Sneed?" Looking past her shoulder Patrick was surprised to find Sonny Corinthos walking towards her.

"Yes" she replied nervously.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked perfunctorily, jamming his hands in his pockets.

"Of course Mr. Corinthos. How can I be of assistance?"

His dark eyes bore into her. "Do you make it a habit to discriminate against AIDS patients Ms. Sneed?"

"Well...uh...of course not - at least not those who can pay" she said in a desperate attempt to regain her footing. Patrick leaned back against the counter and folded his arms across his chest, amused at the situation Ms.Sneed suddenly found herself in. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Robin slip into view, a smile small resting on her lips.

"So you would let a woman who is at the end of her life be moved around like a piece of furniture all so you can protect your precious bottom line?"

"You have to understand..."

Sonny raised his hand to silence her. "What I understand is this - across the quad from this building is the Stone Cates Memorial AIDS building - a building that I have made significant - signficant - contributions to. That building was established so that those with HIV and AIDS would never be turned away and how dare you defy the mandate of that place."

"With all due respect Mr. Corinthos General Hospital is a profit based institution and we cannot take on every charity case that comes along."

"Shove your repsect" Sonny spat as Ms. Sneed's mouth dropped open in shock. "I will be taking care of Ms. Gilbert's bills and so help me if I find out that she is mistreated in any way, if she is unhappy about anything - the temperature of her coffee, the way the nurse changes her i.v., anything - there will be consequences. Do you understand me?"

Swallowing hard, she nodded. "Of course."

"And one more thing" he said taking a step closer to her. "I have spoken to Alan Quartermaine and we will be ressurecting the Nurses Ball. It seems to me that some people around here could use a little education about living with HIV and AIDS. I expect you to be there and be a willing participant. Understood?" he asked menacingly.

"Y-yes sir" she stammered. Turning on his heel, Sonny stalked to the elevators and disappeared almost as quickly as he had appeared.

"You were saying?" Patrick said to her, smirking.

"N-nothing" she replied humiliated. She gathered up her files and headed back to her office.

Looking back over to where Robin had been standing he was surprised to see her gone. Signing off his last chart he left the Nurses Station in search of her.

As he peered through the door to her lab he shook his head wondering what exactly it meant that he knew where she would be. He tried to tell himself that anyone in the hospital could have guessed she would be in her lab working but for him it was more than that. She went to the roof to feel things, to the pier to think but she went to her lab when she needed to lose herself. It was her safe haven and he knew that. He didn't know why he was so surprised, he guessed that if you were really in love with someone you would know their places but there were days in the past he could barely remember his partner's name let alone know their habits. It was all so very new - and so very scary - for him.

Pushing open the door he smiled at the way she chewed on the corner of her bottom lip as she read the slide under her microscope. "Hey" he called to her.

Robin's heart beat a little faster as she heard his voice. She had felt him walk in the lab before he called to her but in a futile effort to keep her feelings about him under wraps, she was trying to play it cool. "Hi" she said, looking up and smiling at him.

"I saw you upstairs" he told her as he walked towards her table, sitting down on the stool opposite hers. "When Sonny was giving Ms. Sneed the smackdown she so richly deserved."

Unable to surpress her giggle, Robin covered her mouth. "It really was a thing of beauty" she agreed.

"So, Sonny is going to pay for April's care" he remarked cautiously, dragging his hand through his hair.

"Yeah" she agreed brightly, "it's great - no more threats of April being moved."

His tongue darted nervously from his mouth, licking his lips. "Robin did you...did you _ask_ Sonny to pay for April?"

"Does it matter?" she asked quickly.

"Well...kind of - I mean - I could have covered her costs, I just didn't think it would be appropriate but I was still willing to take on Ms.Sneed to keep her here." He was unsure why it mattered if she asked Sonny; all he knew was that he found himself wishing she had included him in her plans.

"It wouldn't have been appropriate for you to pay Patrick" she replied quietly. Getting up from her stool she came around the table and sat beside him. "I didn't ask him" she reassured him.

Furrowing his brow, he looked at her with confusion. "Then how did he know?"

"I didn't ask him but I did go to see him. I told him about April...and you" she added softly.

Blinking several times in surprise, he said nothing. Her relationship with the local mobsters was a mystery to him; it seemed so at odds with the type of person he knew her to be but then he realized there was so much about her that he didn't know. He knew that she had been in love with Jason Morgan and that she had returned from Paris to save his life. Despite several roundabout attempts asking her what brought about the end of that relationship he had never received an answer. She would roll off the stock answers that people give when relationships end but there was a pain in her eyes when she spoke of Jason that told him much remained unresolved. The few times he had seen her interact with Sonny had been awkward and stilted and so he found it odd that she would suddenly unburden herself to a man who seemed more of a stranger than a friend.

"You told him about me?" he asked, finally finding his voice.

Reaching across the table Robin curled her hand around his index finger, slowly rubbing her thumb along its underside. "Sonny and I kind of have an enduring bond."

"Stone?" he ventured.

Smiling, she nodded. "You don't know the Sonny I know or knew anyways - most people don't. But he was good to Stone, long before he was diagnosed with AIDS. And then when he got sick, Sonny moved heaven and earth to help him and then me." Tears pricked her eyes as she remembered the way things had been between them and how badly they had fallen apart.

Patrick sat completely still and let her speak. Engaging Robin in conversation was never difficult but getting her to reveal anything was another matter. She was letting him in and he didn't want to do anything to stop that.

"When Stone first started telling people that he had AIDS most people were really kind" her eyes crinkled as she flashed back to the support that seemed to appear out of nowhere for both of them in those early, scary days. "But not everyone was understanding and there was still so much misinformation out there. There were a couple of doctors and nurses who would refuse to treat him, even when he just had a cold. And so Sonny made a promise to both of us that there would always be a place that HIV positive people and AIDS patients could go for treatment." Exhaling, Robin reached behind her and wrapped her long hair into a bun at the base of her neck. "Stone's death shook Sonny to his core. I actually think that when Stone died so did a lot of Sonny's hope and so giving him an opportunity to help with April lets him be a little of who he used to be. I know that I miss that man and I think he does to."

Pursing his lips together, he nodded slowly. "Well then I'm glad he could help." Robin gave him a shy smile and started to move from her seat but Patrick stopped her. "You don't talk a lot about Stone."

"It's a little strange to talk about your dead boyfriend with your cur-, with the man you're dating."

"But you could you know - you could talk to me about him if you wanted to."

Robin cupped his cheek with her hand. "You're very sweet. There's just not much to say," she shrugged. "He's been gone more than a decade and while I still miss him, my life has moved on."

Seeing the wall build up again Patrick let the subject drop. "You know what I was thinking?" he asked, pulling her towards him.

"I'm afraid to ask" she grinned.

"Chicken" he teased. "I was thinking we need a night out."

Pulling back, Robin studied him carefully. "Are you sure? I mean how is your nausea - are you up for going out?" She covered her face with her hand. "Sorry - I don't mean to be such a worrywart."

Patrick nipped at her lips, smiling against her mouth. "I was thinking we could have a beer or two and shoot some pool. It's hardly painting the town red but it could be fun."

"Sounds great - I'm working until seven..."

"I'm off at six - I'll wait for you."

"You don't have to" she said quickly, trying to ignore the thrill it gave her knowing he would wait for her.

"I know" he said, kissing her quickly before letting her go. His hand was on the doorknob and he turned around. "Robin?"

"Yeah?" she said as she settled herself back behind her microscope.

"I kind of like it that you worry about me."

**Chapter Seven**

**Let me be your shelter from the storm outside**

"There is no way you can make that shot" Patrick challenged her.

Snorting, Robin playfully pushed him out of the way. "Don't let my fancy ivy league education fool you, Drake - I have made a ton of cash hustling poor saps like you who think because I'm little I can't play pool."

Smiling, he shook his head. "You are just full of surprises."

Bending over the pool table to line up her shot she turned her head and looked back at him, over her shoulder. "You have no idea." There was a sultriness to her tone that sent shivers through his body and he had to conciously stop himself from grabbing her around the waist and ravishing her right there on the pool table.

After signing off the last of his charts, he returned to the locker room, showered and changed into his jeans and a khaki green t-shirt before heading down to her lab to pick her up. He had stood in the doorway watching her work, a smile lying softly across his lips. He loved to watch her - her face was the picture of serious concentration but at the corner of her mouth her tongue was in constant danger of escaping. She was sure of herself in the lab and while she was hardly a wallflower, she exuded a quiet confidence more there than in any other place of her life. His heart had flipped over in his chest when she looked up and smiled at him - he was sure it was a smile that she had just for him and whereas before it would have made him nervous, he now found it comforting and exciting. They had walked hand in hand to Jake's with him throwing down the gauntlet and naming all the various things she was going to owe him when he beat her at pool. She had giggled and laughed but said nothing. Now as the table was covered in only striped balls - his - he realized yet again that underestimating Robin was simply foolish.

"So" she grinned as she leaned back against the table. "Let's see - that's two games for me and hmm - wait - er - NONE for you!!"

"No one likes a show off Scorpio" he replied teasingly.

"Fair enough. Though I do think I should be rewarded for my superior pool play."

Stepping into her, he looped his fingers through her belt loops and pulled her flush against him. "You do, do you?"

"Yup. Lots and lots of rewards - long...hard...rewards."

"You little vixen." He dipped his head and nipped at her lips, dragging his tongue along the seam.

"Ah look Elizabeth - young love"

Robin pulled away at the sound of Lucky's voice, her cheeks flushing in embarrasment. Patrick continued to hold fast to her waist as he turned to look at Elizabeth and Lucky. "Not just young love Lucky" he quipped, "hot love."

"Oh god" Robin groaned, covering her face.

"Let me guess - she kicked your ass at pool?"

"Well - wait - what makes you think I didn't kick her ass at pool?" he asked, marginally insulted.

"Oh please" he dismissed. "Robin has been a pool shark since she was about 12. I think I lost my lunch money to her more than once."

"Yes but it was a growth experience, right Lucky?" Robin joked, patting his arm. "Liz, can I interest you in some tequila?"

"Yes please" the young nurse replied enthusiastically.

"Lucky why don't you let Patrick beat you so he can feel better about himself and then you guys can join Liz and I at the bar?" Robin grinned.

With a mock glower on his face, Patrick shook his head. "Your reward is getting shorter and shorter Scorpio."

"I'm sure we'll get it...back up to speed...in no time" she giggled. "With the right motivation of course." She winked at him as she headed to the bar and he felt an ache building inside him.

"You want me to rack 'em up?" Lucky asked as Coleman dropped off two fresh beers to them.

"Sure" Patrick replied absently, his eyes still glued on Robin. There was simply no getting enough of her.

Fishing the balls from the pockets and placing them inside the rack, Lucky followed Patrick's gaze and smirked. "You have it bad" he observed.

"What? No, " he replied quickly. "I...uh...she's a lot of fun."

"Of course she is" he agreed. "And you have it bad for her."

Patrick narrowed his eyes and glared at his friend. "Why are you so insistent that I have it bad?"

"Why are you so insistent that you don't?" he asked, chalking up his cue. "Everyone has to fall at some point Patrick and trust me, Robin is liking hitting a home run your first time out." Leaning down, Lucky lined up his cue and fired his shot.

Taking a sip of his beer, he leaned back against the opposite pool table and watched Lucky. "Did you - did you ever date Robin?" his voice was tentative and he was unsure why he was afraid of the answer.

Looking up in surprise Lucky stared at him for a moment before speaking. "Uh - no. Robin only had eyes for Stone and then for Jason. And I was a pipsqueak who fell hard for Liz" he added, laughing.

Smiling, almost in relief, Patrick picked up his cue and took his place at the table. "Did you know Stone?" he asked cautiously as he sent the white ball rolling across the table to make contact with the green ball hovering near the far corner pocket.

"Yeah" Lucky replied easily, reaching for his beer. "He was a good guy."

"Robin doesn't really talk about him." Patrick mentally kicked himself as the words left his mouth - here he was breaking his own guy code and asking questions like a junior who just discovered the new transfer student. Except it was too rich an opportunity to pass up - right in front of him was someone who had known Robin much of her life and could offer some insight into this incredibly complex and guarded woman.

Lucky studied Patrick for a moment before answering. "It was a long time ago" he said quietly. "So many things here have changed since Stone died and it's hard to explain what it was like to someone who wasn't here."

"Oh" he said, his gaze turning back to his shot.

"That's not quite what I meant" Lucky explained, feeling badly as he saw Patrick's face fall. "This city was pretty firmly divided into two camps when it came to Stone - those who supported him and those who were hateful and cruel to him. We became pretty protective of him and I think we still are - you know Stone was the first person I ever knew with AIDS -and he slipped away so quickly and in the middle of all that Robin was diagnosed," he remembered, shaking his head. "It felt a lot like life was out of control - there was no understanding anything and through it all, as supportive and loving as some people were, there were those who were just mean."

Missing his shot, Patrick stepped away from the table. "I'm sorry - I didn't mean to drag up bad memories."

"They aren't bad memories" Lucky clarified, "I just haven't thought about them in a long time. You would have liked him, I think. He like cars and motorcycles" Lucky smirked. "He even helped me build a soapbox - I had the coolest one in the derby."

"Did you win?"

"Of course" Lucky smiled, eyeing his next shot. "Robin took care of everyone after Stone died" he added, "Sonny, my dad, Ned, Lois - she made us all feel better and listened as we all talked about how much we missed him. It was like she needed to keep taking care of people even after he was gone ..."

"She needed to stay in motion" Patrick offered.

"Something like that" Lucky said. "I don't know how she worked through it all."

"Or if she did" Patrick thought to himself, looking over at Robin and Elizabeth in peals of laughter at the bar.

Their pool game long done, Patrick and Lucky joined Elizabeth and Robin at the bar for a game of 'Have you ever?' Feeling the need to be close to her, Patrick had pulled Robin to his lap and was nuzzling her neck as Elizabeth tried to think up the next question. His hands slid around her wais and his fingertips curled under the hem of her t-shirt teasing her skin.

"Okay! Okay I got it!" Liz slurred. "Have you ever been to Backstreet Boys concert?" she asked.

The four friends eyed each other carefully. Robin shrieked as Patrick knocked back a shot of tequila. "NO WAY!" she said, slapping his arm.

He shrugged. "It was a date," he dismissed. "And their music got her hot - I'm all for getting my dates hot" he said huskily.

"Well" Robin said, cupping his chin, "it's not like you have to work real hard at that."

"You realize that you two aren't nearly as subtle as you think you are, right?" Lucky asked.

"Subtlety is for wimps" Patrick replied, kissing Robin hard on the lips.

"Your turn Patrick" Liz said.

"Hmm" he said tapping his chin. "Have you ever had sex in a public place?" A smirk crossed his lips as all three of his friends reached for their drinks. Leaning in, he whispered into Robin's ear. "I want to hear all about this public escapade when we're alone."

Looking at him cross-eyed, Robin smiled and whispered, "Hear about it? If you're a very good boy I may even show you."

Several rounds later and the two women stumbled hand in hand to the bathroom. Lucky shook his head as Patrick watched Robin until she was out of sight. "Again I say - you have it bad."

"Maybe" he finally agreed, his tongue loosened by several drinks. "I've just...I've never known anyone like her."

"Elizabeth told me" he started, "she told me what you did in the OR. Patrick that was incredibly brave -"

Patrick waved him off. "It wasn't brave - I did what I was trained to do - I did what I was supposed to do. I knew the risks going in."

"Yeah, well - I still think it's brave. I hope it all works out for you man."

"Thanks. I'll tell you this" he said, noticing the women coming back from the bathroom, "I know now that testing positive wouldn't be the end of the world."

Approaching the bar Robin slipped and fell, landing firmly on her behind. Patrick was off his stool in a shot, helping her to her feet. "I think it's time we go home, what do you think?" he asked.

Jumping into his arms and wrapping her legs around his waist she kissed him softly on the mouth. "Time for me to collect on my reward" she giggled.

Patrick carried her from the taxi up the three flights of stairs to her apartment while she searched through her purse for her keys. Finding them, she dangled them in front of his face, pulling them just out of reach as he tried to take them. Finally wresting them from her grasp he unlocked the door and carried her inside, kicking the door closed behind them. The alarm for her meds began to bleat as he placed her on the bed.

"I'll get it for you" he said as Robin started to scramble to her feet.

"You're a good boyfriend" she smiled drunkenly. "You're MY good boyfriend" she declared.

"You just stay on the bed, okay?" he smiled, leaving the room. He returned with her meds and a bottle of water. "Get these in you and while you're at it, an asprin wouldn't be a bad idea either. I think you're going to hate yourself in the morning" he teased, sitting down beside her on the bed.

Leaning back against the pillows, Robin pulled off the top of the water bottle and reached for her first pill. "I already hate myself" she said quietly. "I hate taking these stupid pills, I hate having to be a slave to an alarm - I hate it, " she slurred. Staring at her in shock, Patrick said nothing as she reached for her last pill and swallowed it down. Her eyes were heavy with sleep as the full effects of the alcohol made themselves known. "I sometimes wonder why I'm still alive" she whispered before passing out.

It was such a tiny but powerful glimpse into who she was. Getting up from the bed, his eyes filled rapidly with tears. Blinking them away, he pulled her shoes from her feet. She had become so good at putting a positive spin on it, of making others comfortable with her disease, that it became so easy to accept her at word and assume that she wasn't bothered, that she didn't have doubts or worries or fears. He would have given anything in that moment to take it all away from her. If she had met Stone four years later, if the anti-retro viral cocktail had existed when she was first exposed, her life could have been very different. Unbuttoning her jeans, he pulled them from her legs and tossed them to the side. He tucked her under the covers before peeling off his own clothing and sliding in beside her. She was fast asleep, the tiniest of snores coming from the back of her throat. Gathering her in his arms he lovingly stroked her hair, pressing his lips into her forehead.

"You're still alive because I'm meant to fall in love with you" he whispered.

**Chapter 7**

**Let's just see what the morning brings**

Hearing the shower running Patrick sat up in bed, letting the sheets fall carelessly around his hips. He leaned against the headboard and tiredly rubbed his face; it had been a relatively sleepless night for him. Robin had passed out and snored noisily through the night but that was not what had impeded his slumber - it was his head, his thunderously loud thoughts, that kept him awake. For starters he admitted out loud that he was falling in love. That alone could keep him awake for a week but what really bothered him was the tiny insight to the pain Robin carried with her. She had wondered why she was still alive and he understood well enough that what she really meant was why was she still alive when others weren't. Rightly or wrongly he assumed others included Stone. No person should carry a weight like that and having just discovered his heart, Patrick was now all too aware how easily it could be broken.

An image of his mother popped into his mind and not for the first time, he found himself wishing she was there with him. He was in the most uncomfortable position of wanting to do something - take care of Robin - and not having the first clue on how to do it, a real rarity in his life. His mother would know how. Everyone who came in to contact with Mattie Drake left amazed by her compassion - she had an enormous heart and spent most of her life caring for those around her. Momentarily stunned by his thought Patrick suddenly realized this was one of the same qualities that attracted him to Robin. The alarm on his cell phone buzzed reminding him it was time for his meds, bringing his own reality crashing back. Pushing the sheets off he retrieved his jeans from the floor and pulled them on before heading out to the kitchen.

Opening the pill bottle he tapped out his protocol and laid the pills out on the counter. Holding the bottle up to eye level he did a quick count of the remaining pills and smiled wryly when he saw that he had less than two weeks left to go. There were very few side effects left but just the same, he would be happy to leave the routine behind. Not having to take pills three times a day would let him reclaim some normalcy while he spent the next five months waiting for test results. He had just swallowed down the last of his pills when Robin came into the kitchen pulling a comb through her wet hair.

"Feeling human yet?" he teased, leaning against the counter.

"Mmm" she groaned. "Almost. Coffee and a greasy breakfast at Kelly's will go a long way to completing the transformation." Eyeing his bare chest she felt the familiar flip flop of her stomach as she drank in his beauty. "How come you're not hungover?" she asked suspiciously.

"Because I didn't drink as much tequila as you did?" Reaching out he grabbed hold of her robe's belt and pulled her towards him, dropping a soft kiss on her lips. "How great is your need for Kelly's? Do I have time for a shower?"

"Damn" she smiled. "If I had known you wanted one I would have woken you up to join me."

"You could always come back in? Let me scrub those hard to reach spots." He nipped at her lips.

The buzzing of her watch interrupted them and Robin swept her hand across his chest, sighing. "Rain cheque?"

"Of course" he grinned. "I'll be quick and we can head out to Kelly's."

He stared at her in amusement as she attacked the large stack of pancakes in front of her; for someone so tiny she had the appetite of a lumberjack. Feeling his eyes on her she looked up at him. "What?" she mumbled with her mouth full.

"Hungry?" he asked.

"I'm hungover!" she protested, chasing the pancakes with some coffee. "Surely you are not going to deny me the perfect hangover cure?"

Holding up his hands in mock surrender, he grinned. "Far be it from me to get in your way."

She stuck her tongue out at him before signalling Mike for a coffee refill. "So last night was fun, wasn't it? I mean until I passed out. Looks like you and Lucky were having a good time at the pool table."

Patrick swirled the remnants of his coffee in the bottom of his mug. Alone in the shower he had tried to find the right way to broach her drunken pronouncements from the night before but couldn't find a way to do it that didn't come across as overbearing and had decided to let it drop. He wondered if this was the opening he needed. "Yeah - it was fun. I didn't realize you had known Lucky for so long. He was telling me about the soapbox racer that Stone helped him build."

Robin fell silent as her fork clanged against the plate. Her tongue ran along her bottom lip as she stared at him almost suspiciously. "How did the subject of Stone come up?" she asked evenly.

He knew this was dangerous ground but honesty was the only way forward - he could not lie to the woman he was in love with, even if she didn't yet know he was in love with her. "I asked him if he knew Stone."

"Why? Why would you do that?" Her normally warm brown eyes burned with a cold fury.

Making a face, he set his coffee cup down on the table and leaned forward. "I didn't realize I was 'doing' anything. Lucky and I were just talking and I asked him if he knew Stone. What's the problem?"

"The problem is Stone is...it's just...if you want to know about Stone you should ask me not sneak around asking other people."

Under other circumstances he would have been prepared to chalk her irritable mood up to her hangover but based on the night before he suspected there was much more going on with her and he wanted to get to the bottom of it. "Okay, first of all" he replied slowly, "I wasn't sneaking around - I was playing pool with Lucky - we also talked about Elizabeth, Cam and whether the Giants were going to make the playoffs. Second of all - you never talk about Stone. Never."

"I never thought you were interested. Hell - what is it you've told me - I have my committed relationship by default? You'll forgive me then if I'm not willing to bare my soul when the only reason you're with me is I'm the only woman not put off by your potential HIV status."

"It's not by default." His voice was so quiet, Robin had to strain to hear him.

"What did you say?"

Lowering his hands he stared at her for several long breaths. "I said it's not by default. I'm with you Robin because I want to be. I want to be with you - I want you to kick my ass at pool, I want to watch you devour pancakes on a lazy Saturday morning, I want to be with you - and only you."

She was stunned by his admission. A month ago she had been practically begging for him to say this exact thing to her but now she didn't feel she could trust it. Today was Stone's birthday and it was a day that reminded her of how temporary life was and that attachments, deep attachments, generally ended in heartbreak - usually hers. She didn't know how to tell him that - to tell him she was terrified to listen to her heart for fear of losing herself all over again. She loved him but was sure that if she told him he would run screaming and that was more than she could handle. So instead she did the only thing she knew how to do; she tried to push him away - hard.

"How convenient for you" she replied angrily.

"No" he shook his head. "Not convenient, true." He was not going to be easily moved from his position.

"Whatever" she dismissed. "If you want to know something about my life I would prefer you ask me and not drill my friends."

"I wasn't drilling your friends" he protested. "What is it that's bothering you - that I talked to Lucky or that I talked to Lucky about Stone?"

"Stone is OFF limits" she slapped her hand on the table, causing Patrick to flinch. Even she was surprised by her anger.

"Let me get this straight" he checked. "You want me to commit to you but you don't want to be open with me?"

"Why are you so interested in Stone?" she asked in frustration, rubbing her hands over her face. On some level she knew she was being irrational but she was powerless to stop it.

Patrick shrugged. "Maybe because he was the first person you risked your heart for, maybe because his death fundamentally changed the course of your life, maybe because half this town talks about him like he's some kind of saint. I'm just trying to learn more about you Robin. You are only comfortable sharing when you control the conversation and that's not how relationships work - you have to let me in."

"Now you're some kind of relationship expert" she sniffed.

"Not an expert" he said quietly "but someone who has feelings for you and doesn't want to be kept at arm's length."

Robin was rendered momentarily speechless. She opened her mouth to speak but was interrputed by the vibration from her pager; Patrick's phone began to ring at the same time.

Flipping open his phone, Patrick listened to the person on the other end and a dark cloud crossed his face. "We'll be right in" he said before hanging up. Robin looked at him expectantly. "It's April - she's critical."

Grabbing her purse Robin stood up and held out her hand. "Let's go."

**Chapter 8**

**It would be great to be so strong, never needing anybody else to get along**

The room was eerily quiet. Gone was the persistent beep of the heart monitor and all that was left was silence. April Gilbert's body lay on the bed before him, draped in a sheet. Hands slung low on his hips, his eyes were fixed on the door. He wanted to go after her but he could not make his legs move, it was as though they were encased in cement. Having left Kelly's in a hurry, Patrick had driven as quickly as he could to the hospital but when he and Robin walked through the door it was already too late; April had died in the short time it had taken them to get there. Robin had quietly raged against the unfairness of it all and it was then that the weight she had been carrying all day - all week even - had come tumbling out. It was Stone's birthday and April's death had her reeling. Alan had tried to comfort her but it only enraged her further and she had stormed from the room.

"Patrick?"

Alan's voice pulled him from his thoughts. "I'm sorry Alan. I've never seen her so...so...I'm not sure what."

"Angry" he replied gently. "Robin is angry."

Patrick sighed quietly. "Alan I don't understand - April's death was not unexpected - she was end stage when she got here and while I'm disappointed by her death I just..." his voice trailed off as he could not find the words to articulate the jumble of emotions rolling around in his head.

"Patrick AIDS is a monster. Multi-headed, firebreathing, unrelenting monster. Robin has been battling with this monster on a professional and more significantly on a personal level for the better part of a decade. Every death feels like the most monumental failure - 25 years later and there is still no cure and bodies keep piling up."

"It's Stone's birthday" he said softly.

"Ah." Alan grimaced as he thought back to the short life and quick death of Stone Cates and how it changed so many things for so many people. "Then April's death has hit her right in the heart."

"I should...I should go find her." He looked back to the door secretly hoping she would walk back through but he knew she was running as far and as fast as she could. Alan nodded and finally finding his feet, Patrick headed out the door.

He took the stairs to the roof two at a time and threw open the door but the roof was empty. Slightly dejected he headed back down the stairs and ran directly into his father.

Noah took one look at his son and put a hand on his shoulder. "Patrick?"

"April Gilbert died a few minutes ago" he said quickly.

"I'm so sorry son" Noah replied.

"Yeah - me too. I need - I have to find Robin."

"Does she not know?"

Patrick blinked back tears and it all came tumbling out. "She does know - she's devastated and angry and it's Stone's birthday and she ran off upset and I don't know where to find her which is probably just as well because I haven't the first clue of what I would say to her if I did find her."

Noah took his son by the elbow and led him to the couches in the waiting area. "First thing Patrick - you need to take a deep breath."

"Don't talk to me like I'm a child" he snapped.

"I'm not" Noah replied softly. "But you're upset and if you're going to be any use to Robin you need to calm down."

There was a soothing timbre to his father's voice and instinctually Patrick found himself inhaling deeply and settling down. "Sorry" he apologized sheepishly. "Dad she's just so - I've never seen her like this - she's angry and sad and I don't know what to say to her."

"Maybe there's nothing to say" he offered. Patrick raised an eyebrow. "You know, despite what Hallmark tries to tell us there aren't words for every occassion. Sometimes all you could do is just hold someone's hand, listen to them talk, dry their tears and that can be as powerful and comforting as a book of wisdom."

Smirking, Patrick gave his head a small shake. His father was full of surprises and somehow managed to be exactly where he needed him to be and told him what he needed to hear even if it wasn't what he wanted to hear. Some bonds were just unbreakable. "I don't know where to find her" he replied.

"You're a resourceful guy Patrick - you'll find her."

Standing up, Patrick smoothed down his pants and smiled at his father. "Thanks."

"Good luck."

As he walked up the steps he could see her standing in the corner, her arms wrapped tightly around herself as though holding herself together; Patrick didn't think he had ever seen her look so small. She was exactly where Sonny had told him she would be. He had checked the pier, her apartment and Kelly's before making a round of phone calls. It was Elizabeth who suggested he try Sonny and though the mobster had been reticent to tell him at first, once Patrick explained the details he was more forthcoming.

Quietly he crossed the overpass and stood beside her. She turned her head slightly to acknowledge him and Patrick could see the tracks of tears down her cheeks - it cut at him so very unexpectedly. "So I guess this confirms that we're in a relationship" he said breaking the thick silence.

"What?" she asked incredulously as she wiped furiously at her face.

"Well what else do you call it when you search the entire city and call everyone you know trying to find your girlfriend?" he asked, trying to elicit a smile.

Robin shook her head. "Well now that you've found me, you can go" she said coolly. "I don't need you here."

"No" he replied simply. Robin raised her eyebrows in surprise. He turned and leaned back against the railing, staring at her. "You don't have to talk to me, you don't have even look at me but you do need me and so I'm not going anywhere."

"What are you? A glutton for punishment?" she challenged angrily.

"I care about you" he said softly, "and I'm not leaving you alone."

Robin scoffed at his words. "Not leaving me alone? I am alone - I have been alone since the day Stone died and I will be alone for the rest of my life until I die of AIDS - just like Stone and just like April!"

Patrick recoiled slightly at her fury and while he couldn't be completely sure he thought he saw something break inside of her. "Robin...you are not alone - you have people who care for you and love you - like me."

"Those are just words Patrick - they're easy to say because no one is going to hold you or anyone else to them when I'm dying. One of these days - it could be next year, two years or 10 years from now but one of these days I will die."

"Robin, stop!" he implored her. The defeat and resignation in her voice clawed at his insides and he was overcome with the desire to pull her into his arms and hold her tightly. "You don't get to give up!"

"Who's giving up? I'm being realistic! All roads lead to the same place Patrick - my meds will stop working and they will try the next pill and then the next until there are no options. Then the virus will take over my system and kill me slowly and painfully from the inside out. I could get cancers, infections, sores - I'll lose the desire and likely the ability to eat - I'll just waste away in a body wracked with pain. I will vomit, I will need help just to go to the bathroom - I will be bed bound. Maybe - just maybe I can be like Stone and lose my sight too - so that when the end finally comes there will be no pleasures left for me - not even seeing the faces of those I love." She glared at her, her brown eyes dulled with pain. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid of death - I almost welcome it - but I am afraid of dying. Despite what the pamphlets say there is no dignity, there is no good death to be had when you have AIDS and I will die alone." Her face crumpled as the tears started once again to gush.

He could feel his heart shatter in to tiny shards. There was a part of him that was mortified that he had ever told her, ever accused her of hiding from life. Every day was struggle for her and he never fully realized the deep impact of that until this very moment. "Robin..." he began.

"DON'T! Don't tell me you understand - don't tell me you know how scary this can be or you know how much this hurts because you don't. You are very likely going to test negative in six months Patrick and I will be happy for you. It means your life will go back to normal - there won't be anything you can't do - operate, donate blood, go to any dentist you want without worrying that they won't take you as a patient - hell you'll be able to date whomever you want."

"I only want to date you"

"STOP SAYING THAT!" she screamed furiously at him.

"No." Reaching for her, he pulled her into his arms.

Her body was rigid with anger and she pounded her tiny fists against his chest but he kept holding her. The force of her punches lessened and gave way to tears. "Let me go!" she pleaded.

"Never" he said against her hair. "I'm not ever letting you go Robin - I'm here for the long haul."

"You don't mean that" she cried. Her body was wracked with sobs as she took great gulps of air.

Patrick moved his hands in slow, soothing circles along her back. His shirt was soaked through with her tears but still he would not let her go. "I've never been more serious about anything in my life" he said softly.


	2. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

**I'm not waking up each morning with forgiveness I can use. **

Despite the oppressive heat outside he curled his hands around the steaming mug, letting the heat soothe him. Leaning against the door frame, he watched as Robin slept on the couch. He had been unable to tear his eyes from her since they had returned from the bridge to her apartment. She had sobbed herself in to exhaustion and keeping his promise, he hadn't let her go; not even when she had sunk to her knees, holding her stomach as though trying to keep her pain from escaping. He had sunk to his knees beside her and pulled her back against him. He had felt so ridiculously out of his depth in trying to help her but figured if he could just hold her, just make her feel less alone then that had to count for something. It had felt like she was coming apart right before his eyes but in a very Robin way - precisely and quietly. He had seen people fall to pieces before; any time he had been forced to deliver bad news to a family, inevitably one family member would lose it. But, if you didn't count his father's decade long meltdown, he had never seen it happen to someone he cared so much about, someone he loved.

As her tears had finally given way to exhaustion he had scooped her into his arms and carried her to his car, driving her home. Once at her apartment she had put up a weak protest, telling him she was fine but he had insisted that he stay with her. They were sooner in the door and Patrick was ordering her to lie down. Too tired to put up a fight, Robin stretched out on the couch and let Patrick tuck a blanket around her. She was fast asleep by the time he kissed her forehead.

Though he tried to ignore them, Robin's words about dying rung loudly in his ears. The idea of her beautiful body being eaten by cancers and sores, of her vision slipping from her and of her spirit being totally crushed knocked him breathless. In that moment he realized that he was not afraid of testing positive - he could cope with that if he had to - what terrified him, what made a cold sweat trickle down his spine on even this, the most sweltering of days, was losing her - especially when he had just found her. He had lost only one person in his life that he loved and there were days when he was still reeling from it.

So lost in thought, he barely noticed his left hand trembling until the mug slipped from it and crashed to the floor. He groaned as he heard Robin stir, bending down to pick up the pieces.

"Patrick?" she called to him sleepily, "is everything okay?"

"Yeah" he answered. "Just being clumsy." He dropped the shards of ceramic in the garbage can before joining her on the couch. He smiled softly at her as he lovingly stroked her hair. "You should go back to sleep."

Robin shook her head. "No" she sighed. "That's enough of a nap." It took an enormous effort on her part to look him in the eye. It had been years since she had allowed her self to be that vulnerable in front of anyone and though she knew she loved him she also knew his feelings were not as deep and she was fearful of driving him away. "Um...I'm okay now - you don't have to stay."

Leaning easily against the couch he carefully studied her face. "Tell me Scorpio," he started gently, "why is it you are always trying to get rid of me?"

Robin's cheeks flushed crimson as she pursed her lips together. "I'm not...I just don't want you to feel like you have to stay."

"What if I want to stay?"

Robin was unable to conceal her surprise at his question. "So you're saying you like your girl...girlfriends a little on the crazy side?" she asked, nervous laughter escaping from the back of her throat.

Reaching out, Patrick took her hand and laced his fingers through hers. "First of all, you're not crazy. Second of all, I wouldn't know if I like my girlfriends on the crazy side - you're my first girlfriend." Robin smiled shyly in response. "So" Patrick's tone was cautious, "do you want to talk about it?"

Pulling her legs to her chest, Robin brought her chin to rest on her knees. "Not really. There's not much more to say."

"I think there's a lot to say" he countered kindly. "Robin, I think you've holding this in for a long time and you need to talk about it. April's death opened some kind of wound inside you."

Silent for a moment, Robin chewed anxiously on her bottom lip. "I can't...I can't talk about Stone's death. It's not going to change anything. What's done is done and it has put me on the path I'm on." Her voice was flat and the slight dullness to her eyes did not escape Patrick's notice.

"You're right. Nothing is going to bring Stone back but Robin that doesn't mean you wouldn't feel better about it if you talked about it."

"This is ironic" she sniffed, "coming from you who could never pass up an opportunity to lecture me about getting involved in other people's lives."

He flinched slightly at her accusation. She was right of course, in his inimitably smug way he had berated her for poking around in other people's issues and now here he was doing the exact same thing. But even if she considered him a hypocrite he was not about to let it go, he was worried about her, he was worried for her, he _loved_ her and in his mind that meant he got to stick his nose in.

"Guilty as charged" he replied jokingly, hoping to ease the tension.

"I can't talk about it" she repeated, "so don't ask me again."

"You can't talk about it with me or at all? What if you went to see someone? I...uh...erm...therapy can help."

Blinking in surprise, her mouth dropped open slightly. "Did you go to therapy?"

Blowing out his cheeks he nodded. "Just for a little bit. About a year after my mom died and my dad was already a regular at the local pub I was having some anger management issues. About two months before high school graduation I rammed my car into a parked car at my school."

"Why?"

"Because the guy was parked in what I considered my parking space. My guidance counselor took pity on me and recommended a really good therapist. We talked about my mom and stuff around her death and it helped."

Scrunching up her face Robin looked at him curiously. "Really?"

He smiled sheepishly and dragged his hand through his hair. "It helped for a while" he ammended. "But then things with my dad got worse and I was at college and became singularly focused on med school."

"We never talk about your mom."

"We never talk about Stone."

"Touche" she smiled. "I know that your mom died during surgery but you've never said what her diagnosis was."

"Meningioma" he replied clinically. "Deep in her occipital lobe and it was malignant. It was growing quickly and neither chemo nor radiation were having any effect on it. She was losing muscle function and the power of speech. My dad was only one of two doctors who would attempt the surgery given the tumor's placement and size. The other doctor refused saying that her case was too far gone and she should make peace with the fact that she was going to die. The thing is, my mom was a fighter and she wouldn't, she couldn't go down like that - not without trying all possible options. The irony is my dad refused as well at first - telling her that it was unethical for him to operate on her but she pleaded with him. She didn't want to die and she thought my father could do anything so she pushed and begged and went so far as to meet with the head of medical ethics to get clearance for him to operate and I don't know what she said to convince him but next thing I knew my dad was scrubbing in."

"Was she sick for long?"

Patrick nodded. "About a year and a half. As her condition deteriorated, she needed more and more help. The last six months of her life she was mostly bed ridden."

"That must have been so hard for you" she said softly. Visions of Stone losing his sight and become weaker flashed through her mind, squeezing the air from her chest. If she could just keep him talking she hoped the feeling would pass. 

He shrugged. "I don't know - it was what it was. I would cook, my dad would clean - when my dad worked nights I would sit on my mom's bed and we'd watch Jeopardy together - making our bets with nickles and quarters. I guess in some ways I spent more time with her than I would have if she wasn't sick." Well aware that she had changed the subject to deflect, Patrick looked at her intently. "Robin, I've never lost someone I've been in love with - I don't know what that particular pain is but I do know what loss feels like and I know that it can be paralysing at times."

"You're relentless."

"And you're avoiding."

"What do you want me to say?" she asked, dropping her head on the back of the couch. "Patrick, I wake up every day knowing I'm dying - that even with a low viral load my health is fragile. Having watched Stone die I also now know what my death will be like. Some days that's harder to live with than others and today was one of those days."

"Do you..." his tongue darted from his mouth, moistening his dry lips. "Do you feel guilty that you're still alive when Stone isn't?"

Closing her eyes, she exhaled loudly. "Where did that come from?" She tried to keep her anger at bay but it was still seeping through. She wasn't sure what she was so angry about - she was a survivor - she had survived loss and unspeakable grief and she was surviving her disease but it all felt so hollow - like there was a void that could not be filled.

He saw the struggle mapped on her face and knew he had hit close to home with his question. "I don't know" he lied, "I guess, I'm just trying to figure out where your head is at."

"I really don't want to talk about this and I wish you would stop pushing me."

He paused for several beats as he watched her walls start to rise around her and he knew that it was enough for one day. "Okay," he agreed.

Unfurling her legs she rose from the couch. "I think...I think I'm going to go take a bath" she announced.

"Do you want some company?" he offered playfully.

Robin gave him a small smile. "Not this time. Actually, I think you should probably go home."

"You don't want me to stay?" he asked in surprise.

"I kind of want to be alone" she replied.

Knowing it was pointless to fight with her, he sighed heavily and rubbed his hands over his face before standing up. "Okay - I'll go. On one condition." Robin quirked an eyebrow up. "I'll go on the condition that you know that even if I don't spend the night that you're not alone. Robin I lo-" he paused, "you mean so much to me." Walking towards her, he gathered her in his arms and pressed his lips against hers. "I'm here for you, when you're ready to talk."

Feeling relief that he was going but reassured that she hadn't driven him away, Robin softly brushed her lips against his. "Thank you for taking such good care of me."

"There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you" he whispered.


	3. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

**The stars have all stopped shining, the sun just won't break through. **

Flinching as the chart clanged against the counter, Robin looked up from her file and was met by Patrick's eyes glaring at her furiously.

"Did you talk my patient out of surgery?" he asked in a clipped tone.

"I didn't talk him out of it, I simply presented the risks to him if he went ahead with procedure."

"Didn't you think I had already done that?"

She shrugged non-commitally. "I think he needed another view point. The surgery you are proposing has a less than 35 success rate and he needs to know there is a greater than likely chance that he will die on the table."

His mouth dropped open in shock and he simply stared at her. It had been almost two weeks since April Gilbert's death and Robin's outlook was increasingly bleak. They had managed only a few dates in that time and most of them ended early with her complaining of fatigue. He had done everything he could think of to draw her out but she only pushed him away harder, hiding behind her walls. Her sombre mood was now carrying over in to her work. Where she used to be optimistic and encouraging, she was now flat and demoralizing.

"That is not your call to make" he shot back.

"You asked me to consult on the case" she replied evenly, almost with disinterest.

"A decision I am regretting more and more by the minute" he muttered under his breath.

"You are giving him false hope by letting him think you can fix him."

Patrick heard the accusation in her tone. "You mean like I gave April false hope?"

Robin sighed loudly and rolled her eyes. "We both gave her false hope and it was a mistake. One I'm not willing to make a second time so from now on I'm telling patients the truth and I would encourage you to do the same. You may be a brilliant surgeon Patrick but you aren't a miracle worker. Patients die and it's our job to prepare them for that when we can't save them." Gathering up her files, she strode away leaving him stunned in to silence.

Shaking the cobwebs from his head he sprinted down the hallway after her, grabbing hold of her arm. "We did not give her false hope - we gave her an amazing couple of weeks" he countered.

Robin stared at his fingers wrapped around her arm and then slowly raised her eyes to meet his. "We were full of promises and optimism and we were wrong. It was cruel and mean and I will not be a part of it again. If you want to, that's your business."

"That's ENOUGH!" he yelled, letting go of her arm. Robin stepped back, blinking in surprise at his sudden outburst. Dragging his hand through his hair, he inhaled sharply. "Look I know it's been a rough time for you and I am trying to be as supportive as I can but this fatalistic attitude of yours has got to stop Robin. Not everything is doom and gloom. If you keep this up you are going to push me away - for good."

Chewing on her bottom lip, she stared at her shoes unwilling to meet his eyes. "Good" she said softly. "It's for the best anyways. You don't need to be involved with someone like me." As she made a move away from him, he reached out yet again and took her hand.

"Robin" he said softly, his frustration dissipating. "I don't want someone else - I want you. I want to be involved with you but you need to meet me part way here."

Shrugging, she pulled her hand away. "What's the point?" she asked before disappearing down the corridor.

Leaning against the wall, Patrick banged his head against it, rubbing his hands over his face.

Knocking lightly on the door, he poked his head through. "Hey - got time for an interloper?"

Lainey looked up from her desk and smiled. "Why Patrick Drake, I've heard you called many things but interloper was never one of them" He grinned sheepishly as she waved him in. "What can I do for you?"

"Can I get an off the record professional opinion?"

"Robin?"

He nodded. After their argument in the hallway, he had gone to the roof alternately hoping that she might be there or that it would provide him with the same perspective that it often provided to her. His initial instinct was to blow her off, that he didn't this kind of complication in his life. In fact this was exactly the type of complication he had spent years running from. He toyed with the idea of just clocking off, heading to the nearest bar and finding a warm body to snuggle up to - a sure fire remedy from the past. But it was solution that left him feeling empty. He didn't want a warm body to snuggle up to, he wanted Robin's warm body. He didn't want to blow her, he wanted her to stop hurting. He loved her and wanted to be with her and only her.

"What's going on?" Lainey prodded.

Leaning forward, his elbows on his knees, he brought Lainey up to speed on the changes in Robin's behaviour and the incidents that had triggered it. "I think she's depressed or has survivor's guilt or some kind of combination" he proposed, "what do you think?"

Lainey smiled sympathetically. "Patrick it would be irresponsible of me to offer an opinion on Robin without having an opportunity to speak with her."

He rolled his eyes in frustration. "Lainey I'm not asking for a definitive diagnosis but she's ...she's hurting so badly and I want to help but I don't know how."

Removing her glasses from her face, she leaned back in her chair. "Okay, off the record and based on nothing more than what you've told me and the little I've seen of her in the last few weeks I would say it's completely possible that she's suffering from a mild depression. It's not abnormal for someone with a terminal illness to have peaks and valleys. Moments that remind her of her own mortality or her own illness can lead to depression."

"She's been so good to me Lainey - holding my hand, taking care of me, allaying my fears and worries and I feel absolutely impotent to help her."

"I suspect," she said softly, "that your HIV exposure factors in to her feelings right now. She's already lost one man she loves to the disease and the idea that she could lose another is probably sending her brain in to overdrive."

His tongue darted out, moistening his dry lips. "You...you think she loves me."

It was the young psychiatrist's turn to roll her eyes. "Are you blind Patrick? She's crazy about you. She has done everything she can not to fall in love with you and fell anyways - kind of like you, really."

His cheeks flushed in embarassment. "I never - I mean - I've not..." he stammered.

"Yeah, yeah" she waved her hand dismissively. "You haven't told her, she hasn't told you and you'll both dance around it until you have no choice but to tell each other."

Smirking, he knew that she was right. "Now that you've shrunk me, care to tell me how to help her?"

"Truthfully Patrick? I'm not sure you can. Robin needs support from people who understand what she's going through."

"Like me going to Al-Anon?" he offered.

"Exactly. It doesn't mean you can't support her and be a source of strength for her but there is a freedom in room full of people who are living the same experience as you that doesn't exist with your boyfriend. Most people, especially people as intuitive as Robin, will hold back sharing their fears with someone they love because they don't want to burden them."

Blowing out his cheeks, he found himself feeling worse instead of better. "So what do I do?"

Pulling open a drawer, Lainey removed a couple of pamphlets and handed them to him. "There are a few support groups for people living with HIV here at GH and downtown. Have a conversation with her, reaffirm that you support her and care for her and talk to her about these groups. It may even be helpful for you to share your Al-Anon experience with her."

Patrick flashed her a grateful smile and gathered up the pamphlets. "Thanks Lainey - I appreciate it." Heading out the door, he rushed to the locker room to change out of his scrubs and make a beeline for her apartment.

"We're going to get through this Robin - I'm not giving up on you yet" he said to himself as he pulled from the parking garage.


	4. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

**Silence like a cancer grows**

The rain dropped in a slow, steady rhythm as his car idled in the parking lot. Leaning forward over the steering wheel and peering up he could see the light in her bedroom and he knew she was home. Looking over at the pamphlets strewn on the passenger seat, he let out a deep sigh. Somehow in the short distance from Lainey's office to Robin's apartment he had begun to doubt his course of action. That Robin needed some kind of help was not in question but whether he could be the one to direct her to it was. His memory was filled with explosive, heartwrenching scenes of begging and pleading his father to get help; of telling Noah that if he went to rehab then he would be sure that his father loved him. There had been a painful and ill-advised intervention before he started his residency. Along with his grandmother and his aunt, they had confronted him one final time. There was yelling, screaming, things and accusations hurled with deadly accuracy to cause the most damage and at the end of it all, Noah had left the house telling them all to go to hell. He had never felt a greater sense of rejection than when the door slammed shut behind Noah. The scars from that night were still fresh and easy to open up.

And then he thought of Robin. And the way his heart hammered so hard inside his chest every time he saw her that he was sure she and everyone in a five mile radius could hear it. He thought of the way the light would play of her golden skin, agonizingly taunting him to reach out and trace his fingers along its smoothness. And then there was her heart - it was big and generous and filled with a seemingly endless capacity for love; it knocked him breathless and pushed him to be better in response. She was in need and he could help. He needed to show her that despite of life time of being let down by people who cared for her, she could count on him.

Gatherinig the pamphlets, he threw open his car door and dashed between raindrops to the front of her building. Once inside the building, he brushed the rain from his shoulders and headed up the three flights of stairs. Raising his hand to knock on her door, he was surprised to see it trembling. Chalking it up to nerves, he clenched it open and shut until the feeling passed and then finally brought it down on her door. He waited several beats, listening for any movement inside and when none was forthcoming, he knocked a second time. He was caught mid-knock as the door pulled open.

"What do you want Patrick?" Robin asked flatly.

Though she had just finished a 12 hour shift, he was still surprised to see her in her pajamas with her robe hanging haphazardly from her shoulders. "We need to talk" he replied, sticking his foot in the door as he anticipated her trying to close it on him.

"I'm too tired to talk anymore. Come back tomorrow or next week or maybe even next month, okay?" she asked, dragging her hand through her hair.

"Nope. Not okay" he said, reluctantly forcing his way in and closing the door behind him.

Her eyes landed on the pamphlets in his hand and she furrowed her brow. "What are those - take out menus?"

Following her gaze, he tightened his grip around them. So much for his plan to ease in to the discussion. "Not quite" he smiled weakly. "I, uh...I went to see Lainey today."

Suddenly on edge, Robin stiffened and folded her arms across her chest. Her robe fell from her shoulders and unable to help himself, Patrick reached out and pulled it up, his fingers grazing her skin as he did so. The electricity from that small movement caused his breath to hitch.

"Why did you go see Lainey?" she asked tightly, her jaw set.

He rubbed his hand along the back of his neck and taking a deep breath jumped in. "I'm worried about you."

"About me?" she scoffed. "I'm fine, okay? Just leave it alone."

"That's the thing Robin, you're not fine. You are struggling - a lot and I think you need help."

Her eyes blazed angrily as she glared at him. "You think I need help?" she screeched. "And so you went to talk to my friend about me? Behind my back? Why don't I just hand over my parents' phone numbers and you can have a chat with them as well? Maybe Brenda too? Heck why don't you all get together and just talk about me behind my back?"

The familiarity of the conversation unnerved him ever so slightly. "Robin, stop it" he said firmly but not unkindly. "I was talking to your friend behind your back. I was talking to my friend and asking her professional opinion because I am worried for you - I am scared for you."

"Jesus Patrick - drama queen much? I've had a bad couple of days - I'll eat some ice cream and get over it."

He shook his head as he moved closer towards her. "I don't think so Robin. It's not a bad couple of days - it's like a watershed brought on by April's death and memories of Stone. Added to that you've been trying to be brave and courageous for me with my HIV exposure and I think it's become all too much."

Stepping back from him, she angrily blew out her cheeks. "You're wrong."

"I don't think so" he said softly. He placed the pamphlets on the table and looked back at her. "These are pamphlets about support groups for people living with HIV and AIDS and I think maybe...I think...you may find it helpful to go."

"WHAT?" She shook her head violently. "I don't need a support group Patrick. I have been living with this disease for more than 10 years and doing just fine all on my own! There is nothing any of those groups can tell me about living with my disease - MY disease - that I don't already know. Support groups are for people who are weak."

"I go to a support group" he said softly. "I go to Al-Anon, a couple of times a month. I don't think I'm weak I just think sometimes its bigger than I am and I need to talk to people who understand where I'm coming from."

Her cheeks flushed in embarassment and she wondered how it was that even after all the time they had spent together that she had no idea he attended meetings. Her embarassment only slowed her anger. "Yeah, well. I mean, that's good for you but I don't need that Patrick. I don't need to talk to a bunch of strangers about HIV - I just don't."

His knees shook and he sank on to the arm of her couch. "No? Who do you talk to Robin?"

Scrunching up her face, she looked at him quizzically. "I don't understand what you mean."

"Who do you talk to about your HIV? When your protocol is kicking your ass - when you have to mask up at the hospital during cold and flu season and no one else does? Who do you talk to about that?"

"You" she answered quickly.

"But that's the thing, you don't. We don't ever talk about your HIV other than making sure I buy the right condoms. It wasn't until I was exposed that we had real, honest conversations about it and even then, you're still holding back."

"I'm holding back? I'M holding back? What about you? You never told me you went to Al-Anon."

"Seriously? You're trying to make this about me? Robin - baby - I think you may be depressed and if not depressed at least in need of support - a support that I can't provide, even though I want to."

"Oh this is rich" she spat. "One brief exposure to the virus and you think you're some kind of expert? You're going to test negative Patrick and you're life is going to go back to normal - but me? I have this in my system and I will die from it so please spare me your Dr. Phil insights."

He flinched at her comments. Though he knew that it was normal for people to lash out when cornered but her words sliced more closely to the bone than he had anticipated.

"I'm not an expert" he said evenly, opening and closing his left hand trying to ward of the pins and needles coursing through it. "But I do know a few things about depression and sadness and HIV or no HIV - you're in trouble. I'll be right by your side but you need to get some help." Picking up the pamphlets, he handed them to her

Ripping them from his hands, she balled them up and threw them to the floor. "Just leave it alone Patrick. Please - I'm asking you. "

"I can't"

"Why not?" she challenged, her temper rising.

"I just can't."

"I know why - because despite all the times you lectured me about sticking my nose in other people's business, you just can't resist the opportunity to do the same to me. It's like some kind of payback, right? For trying to help you with your father. Or maybe you fancy yourself a hero and want to swoop in and save the damsel in distress. Why don't you just go, okay? Go find someone HIV negative warm body to curl up with and you'll forget about me soon enough."

Gripping her by the shoulders he glared at her. "Don't you get it?" he asked in frustration. "Don't you get it?? I can't forget about you - I don't want to forget about you - God Dammit Robin I am IN LOVE with you."

She stared at him, unmoving, for several beats. "Get out" she hissed.


	5. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

**But all I've ever learned from love is how to shoot somebody who outdrew you**

"Get out!"

Patrick's eyes widened in surprise at the curtness of her reply. "You know, I've never, ever told another human being that I was in love with them but I'm pretty sure that 'get out' is not the appropriate response." His attempt to lighten the mood was met with a steely glare.

"You are not funny" she said with quiet anger, "you are not charming and I don't want your pity."

"My pity?" Folding his arms across his chest he held her gaze until her discomfort forced her to drop her eyes. "Wow. You are in worse shape than I thought, if you're confusing love for pity."

Robin's head was reeling. For so long she had wanted to hear those words - to hear them from him - but not now, not when she felt so completely unlovable. He did not love her, he could not love her and she needed him to leave. She would not have him or anyone staying with her, making romantic pronouncements because they felt sorry for her. She had already suffered through too much and as April Gilbert's death had reminded her, there was much more suffering to come; she could not handle someone being with her out of obligation.

"I asked you to leave" she reminded him, walking towards the bedroom. "Close the door behind you as you go."

Patrick stared after her, dumbfounded, as she slinked away to her bedroom, the belt from her robe trailing absently behind her. Every fibre of his body was screaming for him to leave. For the first time in his life he had openly and loudly declared his love for another person and he was dismissed immediately. Knowing that she was sick and hurting did little to remove the sting from her rejection. He had avoided love for so long because of moments just like this - love was messy, complicated and filled with potential for hurt. Patrick Drake didn't do hurt, his father had hurt him enough for a lifetime and he had vowed he would never let himself be that vulnerable to someone else again.

But then he had never counted on meeting someone like Robin Scorpio. From the moment she busted in to his OR he had been drawn to her. He had tried to push her away, he had put her through hoops but she never wavered - she was always Robin. He could count on her to be supportive when he needed it, call him on his crap when he deserved it and provide him a safe place to land when he didn't know he needed it. When he was exposed to HIV and could barely string two words together, she had been right by his side helping him put one foot in front of the other. It had not been the first time he wondered how someone so tiny could possess so much strength. He supposed, as he dragged his hand through his hair, that was what threw him the most - reliably strong Robin was coming apart. He wanted to help her but he had learned too many times in dealing with his father that you cannot force someone to take help if they don't want it.

Flopping on to her couch, he dropped his head against the back and sighed heavily. His left hand began to twitch again and lifting his head he stared at the small tremors causing his hand to shake. Rubbing it with his right hand he was able to make the trembling stop and made a mental note to review the side effects of the ARV cocktail when he got home. Getting to his feet he walked to the door, shaking his head at how disasterously this had all turned out. He should have known better. As his hand gripped the doorknob, he paused. He had never really been a coward, in fact he had prided himself on his willingness to rise to any challenge, surgical or otherwise. His feelings may be hurt but it was little in comparison to what she was feeling, this woman that he had just declared his love to.

Striding down the hallway he stopped in her bedroom doorway, leaning his lanky frame against the side he jammed his hands into his pockets. Robin was on the bed, her legs pulled to her chest and her cheek resting on her knee. Hearing the wood doorjam creak, she lifted her head and rolled her eyes as she saw him standing there.

"I told you to leave"

"Actually, you asked me to leave. Asking involves a choice and so I'm choosing not to leave."

Arching a perfectly groomed eyebrow, she glared at him. "You're arguing semantics with me? You need me to be more directive? Fine. LEAVE!" she screeched.

Undeterred by her sudden outburst, he simply shook his head. "No."

"Are you stupid? Are the words I'm using too big for you?" she raged.

"Nope" he drawled, "I understood your words. I also understand what you're not saying."

Her eye twitched at his stubborness. She wanted him to leave; ten years of pain and disappointment had flooded into her system all at once and she was hanging on by her fingernails but she couldn't let go until he left.

"GET THE HELL OUT!" she screamed, reaching behind her and throwing her pillow at him.

Catching it, he set it down on the ground. "Look, you can be pissed at me, you can yell, you can scream and you can cry but I'm not leaving you. Not like this. I'm in love with you. And I refuse to be one more person in your life who loves you and leaves you just when you need them the most." The image of her sitting on her hospital bed with a tear stained face as her father left her after the virus outbreak had been contained was still fresh in his mind. It was the first time he had noticed how truly tiny she was.

"You really are an arrogant jerk!" The tears she had been trying so hard to hold back burst forth and tumbled down her cheeks. "I don't need you - don't you get it? I don't need you or anyone!" She angrily wiped at the tears, furious with herself for not being able to hold back.

Patrick tentatively walked towards her. "Yes you do. You need me and I'm not leaving so deal with it" he said kindly as he approached the bed. "I love you Robin."

Picking up her teddy bear, she hurled it at him. "STOP saying THAT!"

"No" he said quietly. "I love you and I'm going to keep saying it until you believe me. I will hire sky writers, I will spray paint it on the side of your building and I will hire a singing telegram to sing it to you - whatever it takes to make you believe me." He eased himself on to her bed and while she didn't move towards him, he took it as a small victory that she didn't move away from him.

Swinging his legs on to the bed, he reached out and draped his arm over her shoulders gently pulling her towards him. She remained stiff in his arms, quietly crying. Wrapping his other arm around her he held her closely to his chest. The warmth of his body and the safety of his arms were too much for her to resist. Her body melted against his as she dissolved into tears.

"It's okay Robin" he whispered, "I've got you. I've got you and I'm not letting you go."

She burrowed her head against his chest. "I don't want to feel like this" she cried quietly.

"I know baby. I love you" he said quietly as he pressed his lips to the top of her head.


	6. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

**And is this a place I can slowly face**

**The only one I can truly know **

Patrick had no idea how long he had been asleep but was suddenly wide awake as he felt Robin move away from him. Sitting up, he wiped the sleep from his eyes as his eyes adjusted to the dark. "Hey" he called sleepily to her, "you okay?"

Robin stopped with her hand on the door and slowly turned around. "Hey" she smiled sheepishly. "I'm...I'm hungry and was going to get a snack. Do you want some?"

"Sure" he agreed, watching her as she disappeared out the door. She had cried, almost silently, for nearly an hour. He had done the only thing he was sure would not make the situation worse: he held her. He had stroked her hair and rubbed her back and wondered just how long she had been carrying this much pain. Anger had also boiled up inside him as he questioned what kind of friends she had that had been unable or unwilling to see the state she was in. Her situation did not pop up overnight and how was it that no one in her life had even noticed that she was suffering? Reaching over to the nightstand, he flicked on the tiny lap perched at the far end.

At least in his situation the few friends he did have pulled no punches. He had been spiralling out of control through his residency until his advisor and his colleagues all told him that he needed help. His advisor had gone so far as to tell him he was not going to be welcome in the program unless he took some steps and that was how, at age 25 he found himself at his first Al-Anon meeting. By no means a poster child for well adjusted when it came to dealing with his father and the still simmering anger that he had, he had at least made himself functional on good days and on bad days he had a place to go to help him through. But what did Robin have? It seemed to him that more people took than gave to her. The thought stopped him in his tracks as he realized he would need to examine himself to find out if he fell into that category as well. That he was a selfish person was not in question but he didn't truly know if he was selfish when it came to her.

"Okay clearly I need to do some groceries" she said as she came back in to the room balancing two bowls and a cereal box. Setting it down on the bed, she tucked her legs up underneath her and pulled an elastic from the nightstand to tie up her hair.

"Fruit Loops?" he asked, his eyebrow arched questioningly.

"Well it was that or a mouldy bagel - your choice."

"Yum!" he grinned, pouring the cereal in to the two bowls. "I've always liked the green ones."

Dropping her eyes to the food in front of her, Robin smiled weakly and began to absently stack the loops on the ends of her fingers. She had no idea what to say - whether to keep it light or to start revealing all. He had told her that he was in love with her and all she had managed to do was hiss and scream at him; it would not go down as the most gracious response to a declaration of love ever. In the part of her mind not cloaked in darkness she knew that it had been an enormous leap of faith for him to tell her that.

"It's not too late" she said quietly, bringing a pink loop to her lips.

"Not too late for what?" He leaned back against the pillows and balanced the bowl on his knees as he picked out the green loops.

"To take it back -to take back that you're in love with me."

Cocking his head to the side, he studied her carefully. "Why would I want to do that? Do you think I don't mean it?"

Robin shrugged wishing she could be more elegant but elegance required energy she did not have. "I thought...I mean...if you said it to get me to do something...I wouldn't hold it against you."

Taking the bowl and placing it on the nightstand, he rolled on to his stomach and stared at her. "Robin - I'm just not that manipulative. I would sooner throw you over my shoulder and carry you to see a psychiatrist than tell you I love you if I don't mean it. I meant every word of it. I love you - I'm in love with you and you aren't going to get rid of me."

Nervously chewing on her bottom lip, she sighed heavily. "I'm sorry" she whispered.

Reaching up he touched his fingertips to her lips. "You have nothing to apologize for."

"That was a pretty big moment for you and I kind of pooped all over it" she said with a wry grin.

"Yes" he sighed dramatically, "I will be the laughing stock when the guys and I get together to share our feelings about our women. But hopefully with enough chocolate chip ice cream and a few hugs they can get me through it."

Groaning, Robin reached behind her and taking hold of her pillow, smacked him with it. "You're a brat"

"And that" he laughed lightly, pointing to her face, "is the first smile I've seen in a long time. Welcome back smile" he said, pushing himself up on his elbows and stealing a kiss.

Robin scooted down on the bed, mirroring his position and let her fingers trail over his. "I have a long history" she began softly, "of people in my life telling me they love me and then leaving. I'm kind of hard-wired now to be suspicious of it all."

"Stone?" he asked daringly.

She nodded, swallowing thickly. "Ironically though, he would have stayed if he could have - but my parents, Sonny, Jason, even Brenda for a while. I have become so used to being alone that it...it makes me nervous to get close to someone."

Pursing his lips together, he nodded in understanding. "Is it...is it because you're HIV positive?"

"I'm sure that's part of it but really - my parents happened long before I was HIV positive. Though I expect people to leave I never get used to it."

"So if I were to tell you that I'm here for the long haul?"

"I wouldn't believe you. But it's nice to hear" she added in a whisper.

The two laid side by side on their stomachs, their heads turned to face each other, saying nothing. The feelings churning inside where so new to him he did not have the vocabulary to describe them. It was more than wanting to take care of her, he wanted to take her pain away. He wanted to lift her of the burden she had carried for so long and help her be carefree again. Every once in a while he caught a glimpse of what she must have been like before, a glimpse of the teenage girl that Stone Cates fell for. Her brown eyes would twinkle and her lips would curl in to a smile and he could just tell there was an impish, mischevious side to her but she rarely let that Robin out to play.

"Have you ever talked to anyone about your HIV?" he asked quietly. Robin's eyes remained looked on his and she shook her head simply. "Not even your friends?"

Reaching out to him, she let her finger curl through the soft hair at the base of his neck her own skin shivering as she touched him. "What is there to say?"

Patrick's eyes widened in surprise. "What is there to say? Robin..." he stammered hoarsely.

She shrugged lightly. "I can't do that to them Patrick - I can't tell them the thoughts rolling around in my head. Do you have any idea of what me having HIV did to them?"

"To them? To THEM?" He shook his head in amazement. "Robin - you are the one who is HIV positive and however hard it is for your friends they can just suck it up! You live with this. What kind of friends..."

"NO!" she exclaimed loudly, pulling herself to a sitting position. "You don't get to judge my friends - you weren't here - you don't know."

His face softened as he looked at her. It was time to back off and he knew it - like dealing with his mother's death and with his father's abandonment he knew that success was measured in inches, not miles. "I'm sorry" he said gently. "You know me - bull in a china shop."

Smiling, she moved closer towards him. "We should probably get some sleep - you have surgery tomorrow." Robin picked up the bowl and the cereal box, putting them on the floor. Patrick pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it to the side. Holding his arms opened to her, he waited for her to crawl inside; he did not have to wait for long. Robin snuggled up against him, her arms snaking tightly around his waist. He pulled the elastic from her hair letting it splay over his chest.

"I know it's kind of anti-climatic" she began softly, "but...I love you Patrick - for the first time in a long time I've risked my heart and it's paid off. I got you - and you're pretty terrific. I've loved you for a long time now."

"Oh yeah?" he asked in amusement, gazing down at her face.

"Yeah"

Dipping his head, he captured her lips in a slow, soft, sensual kiss. Gently pulling away, he smiled at her. "For the record, hearing you tell me you love me could never be anti-climatic."


	7. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

**I crossed the ocean for a heart of gold.**

Patrick stood over the scrub sink, eyes closed and methodically washing his hands. As the soap built up on his hands, he blocked all extraneous noise from his head and visualized the surgery he was about to perform. While not a particularly difficult procedure from a technical standpoint there was always a risk any time he had to put his hands inside someone's head. Over the course of their relationship Robin had pushed him to improve...or more like develop...a bedside manner and he had made a considerable effort on that front but when it came to the patient on the table he didn't want their name or the story of their life. There were other people in the OR who would look after the patient's comfort, his only concern was their brain.

Having seen the whole procedure in his mind's eye, he opened his eyes, flicked off the tap with his elbows and inhaled sharply before walking in to the OR. Despite the emotional night he had spent with Robin, he found himself feeling strangely energized. He had admitted something that had been threatening to break through the surface for months - that he was in love with her - and while her initial reaction had been disappointing he forced himself not to walk out and was not only rewarded with her own admission of love but also by seeing some of her well constructed walls come down. As the nurse covered his hands with gloves, he smirked slightly behind his mask. Everyone had always teased him that when he finally fell, he would fall hard and he did. It was just that no one ever told him the landing would be so soft.

As the opening strains of 'Badlands' by Bruce Springsteen floated through the operating theatre, Patrick called for the drill and got to work. His path to neurosurgery had seemed an obvious one - he was following in the footsteps fo the great Noah Drake - and while that was partially true, he also lived for the challenge. Every thing was so small and intricate inside the brain and in order to be great you had to be calm, patient and driven by a need to win. Though an arrogant playboy outside the OR, every evaluation he had ever had from medical school through his residency praised the ice water coursing through his veins.

Three hours into the procedure and he bent and flexed his knees, rolling through his feet to keep the blood circulating. He could feel the home stretch looming and while it was never truly over until the last stitch was sewn, his confidence was growing. Epiphany Johnson, his favourite surgical nurse, reached up to mop his brow. She was unfailingly tough but fair and he could count on her like no one else in his OR. As he began the final row of stitches to repair the graft to the artery, a tremor moved quickly through his left hand making his fingers numb. There was a shocked silence as the instrument clanged to the floor, landing at his feet. Patrick blinked several times looking first at the dropped needle and then to his hand. He clenched his hand into a fist to steady it but when he reopened it, it continued to shake.

Epiphany saw the panic flash through his eyes as he stared, dumbfounded, at his hand. It was unusual to see Dr. Drake inert but he seemed truly shaken and she felt she needed to step in for both the patient and his reputation. "Dr. Drake - perhaps it's time you stopped hogging all the spotlight and let some of these fine residents we have close for you? They are never going to learn just by staring at your handsome face."

He locked eyes with her for a moment, grateful for her intervention. "Nurse Johnson" he said, picking up on her tone, "you really should look to have that bossy gene removed. It's so unbecoming in one so pretty."

Epiphany rolled her eyes, shaking her head. "Your charm may work on Dr. Scorpio but trust me when I tell you I'm immune to it. Now are you going to let someone else be the hero or are we just going to continue to worship at your feet?"

Giving her a small wink, he stepped back from the patient. "Ramirez, come finish up."

The young resident moved quickly to the head of the table and called for a new needle. Patrick folded his arms across his chest, covering his still shaky hand from view and watched as his protege finished the surgery. Epiphany stepped from the table and stood beside him.

"Care to tell me about it?" she asked in a quiet whisper.

"It's just a cramp" he said, his eyes still glued on the patient.

"Uh-huh, and I'm just a supermodel waiting to be discovered. Dr. Drake, it's not my business..."

"You're right" he said quietly, turning towards her.

"It's not my business yet" she continued, "but if you don't have that looked at and this happens again I will have no choice but to report you to Alan."

"I'm fine" he growled. The surgery done, he stalked from the OR to complete his post-op notes. Ripping his gown from his body, he hurled it into the bin and glared at his hand, furious at its betrayal. In all of his years, even as his colleagues suffered from sore backs, carpal tunnel, bad shoulders and crinky necks, his body had always done everything he had asked of it. It had never even occurred to him that there would be some physical challenge that he could not deal with.

Frustration continued to build as he walked back to his office and it was hard to say who got the greater surprise as he kicked open the door and tossed the chart clear across the room.

"Uh-oh - did the patient die?"

Jumping, Patrick spun around, surprised to find Robin sitting on a plaid wool blanket on the floor of his office with a picnic basket by her side. All the frustration and anger evaporated as he smiled at her. "Robin" he said softly. All thoughts and worries of trembling hands were suddenly forgotten.

"Did I come at a bad time?"

Dragging his hands through his hair, he shook his head as he crossed the room towards her. Plopping down beside her, he cupped the side of her face and kissed her tenderly. "Never. You could never come at a bad time. How are you feeling?" he asked cautiously, searching her eyes for the truth.

Robin smiled brightly. "Not great but better than yesterday. But stop deflecting - what happened in your surgery?"

"Nothing" he demurred. "Stupid residents bug me, that's all. So what's all this?" he asked, motioning to the basket.

They had shared a quick goodbye kiss before he left for the hospital and while he had encouraged her to go back to sleep, she found her bed to be too big and cold without him in it. She still felt a level of embarassment at her ungracious reaction to his declaration of love and wanted to do something special for him. Reaching into the very back of her closet, she retreived the picnic basket that Brenda had given her in Paris and began to fill it. Swallowing thickly, Robin nervously chewed on her bottom lip.

"I thought I'd bring you some lunch - I know how famished you get after a big surgery."

"That's not the only time I get famished" he purred, waggling his eyebrows.

Rolling her eyes, Robin beamed at him. "The most amazing thing happened to me yesterday" she said as she pulled open the flaps on the basket.

"Oh?" Patrick queried, rolling his neck to relieve the tension.

"Someone told me they loved me."

"Wow" he grinned, "that must be one handsome, thoughtful, amazing man to tell you that."

"Lord, does your ego need continual stroking?"

"My ego...my..."

"STOP!" she laughed, raising her hands.

"I like your laugh" he said softly, moving towards her.

"I haven't done a lot of it lately, I know it hasn't been easy for you."

He shook his head. "Robin - it's not easy for you" he clarified, "and all I want to do is help you, if you'll let me."

Crawling over to him, Robin positioned herself in his lap, draping her arm over his shoulder. "I'm not very good at letting people help me" she admitted quietly, "but I'm going to try. I uh...I called a few of those support groups from the pamphlets you brought over."

"Oh?"

"And uh...I'm still not sure that I'm going to go but I know...I know I can't do nothing and so I'm going to talk to Lainey and get her advice."

Unexpectedly overcome, Patrick felt his bottom lip quiver as he pressed his lips against hers. "I am so proud of you" he whispered.

Robin rested her head on his shoulder, curling her fingers through the wisps of hair at the base of his neck. "One of the reasons I came back to Port Charles was because even though I'd left for Paris wanting to escape my past, I realized my future was here."

"Jason?"

With a crooked grin, she nodded. "Yeah. I thought maybe Tony Jones' phone call was the call to get my whole life back on track and so I came. I wanted to save him but I also wanted to see if we had a chance of making it."

Small pangs of jealousy stabbed at him and he took several small, silent breaths to push them away. "Did I ruin it for you?"

Robin's eyes widened in shock. "Ruin it? Ruin it for me? Patrick - I knew within about half an hour of seeing Jason that he and I had no future together and truthfully, I didn't want one with him. Jason was an outsider and in many ways I was too and I just thought...I just thought..."

"What?" he asked, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"I just thought it would be nice to belong again. I knew leaving Paris that I was coming home to find love but in my wildest dreams I could never have imagined finding someone as special as you. I don't feel like an outsider, I don't feel alone - for the first time in...in years...I feel like I can stand still and the ground isn't going crumble underneath me." She pressed her lips against his neck, just over his pulse point, feeling the strong, steady rhythm of his heart. "I love you Patrick."


	8. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

**Inside my head there lives a dream that I want to see in the sun  
Behind my eyes there lives a me that I've been hiding for much too long**

Patrick smirked as Robin flopped on to the couch beside him. "You are deliberately trying to provoke me" he asserted, as he folded his arms across his chest.

In the two weeks since they had finally admitted their feelings for each other, they had spent almost every waking, and non-waking moment, together. Robin was moving in baby steps to deal with the feelings that April Gilbert's death had awoken in her. She saw Lainey for coffee once a week and was continuing to warm to the idea of support group. Patrick continued to encourage her and support her and Robin rewarded him by letting down her walls brick by well-built brick. The result for both of them was a deepening of the connection that had been between them from the first day they met. 

Robin batted her eyes innocently. "I'm provoking you?" 

"By wearing that shirt." He nodded at her. "You know how I feel about it and yet here you sit, in _that_ shirt."

"It's a nice shirt" she protested as she smoothed the front of it.

"It is most certainly _not _a nice shirt."

"Well you and I disagree. I like this shirt and I'm wearing it." Her rich, brown eyes twinkled with daring; she was feeling more like herself with each passing day. "Now pass me a beer, would you?" 

"Nope" he grinned. "I am not passing you a beer, while you are wearing that shirt. In fact, I think you should take it off and be forced to sit here topless."

Rolling her eyes, Robin crawled over him and stretched out to retreive a beer.

Unable to help himself, Patrick slid his hand under shirt and stroked her smooth skin. He smiled as he watched her eyes flutter closed and her breath hitch. "I could make it very worth your while to take it off" he said huskily as he pressed his lips towards her ear.

"I bet" she said, her eyes hooding over. Staring at his full mouth, her tongue unconciously darted from her mouth and swept across her lips. Tilting her head to the side, she nipped at his lips, swallowing down a moan as his hands continued to burrow under her shirt. Slowly letting go of his mouth, Robin pulled back, meeting his eyes. "I'm keeping the shirt on." Patrick groaned as she scampered from his lap and back to her seat on the couch.

"Robin, baby, it's bad enough you cheer for the New Jersey Devils but do you _have_ to wear a Martin Brodeur sweater at the same time? You are hurting my Ranger heart."

Giggling, Robin took a sip of her beer. "That's not all that's going to hurt your Ranger heart. My boys are going to whip your boys - like they always do."

As he shook his head, he twisted the cap from the beer bottle, flicking it to the garbage can in the far corner of his room. "I don't understand how you can grow up in Port Charles and wind up a Devils fan. How can you not like the Rangers? They are confident, talented and bold."

Pulling her knees to her chest, Robin slipped her hockey sweater over her legs in order to display her team's logo more prominently. "Oh please. They aren't confident, they're arrogant. They act like they have an entitlement to the Stanley Cup. And they aren't bold, they're brash - big city swagger, underestimating the power and talent of those residing in the smaller towns-" Her voice dropped off as she tapped her chin thoughfully. "Of course that explains why you like them - they're just like YOU!"

Gasping, Patrick mockingly clutched his chest. "You wound me Scorpio, WOUND me." As he set his beer down on the table, he reached across the couch and wrapping his arms around her, pulled her to his lap. Robin giggled as she stared into his eyes. "You are a bad, bad girl Scorpio." 

"Maybe" she teased, "but it doesn't mean I'm wrong."

Pushing her hair to the side to reveal the graceful line of her neck, he pressed his lips to her skin. "Take it back" he demanded, his voice vibrating against her skin. 

"Nope" she sighed, trying to ignoring the tingling working its way through her body. He had the capacity to reduce her to a puddle with a heated look, the feel of his lips on her skin was enough to make her forget her name.

"Take it back" he repeated as he worked his tongue in small circles in the hollow of her neck.

"Not a chance" Her voice betrayed her rising desire. "Besides, the game starts in five minutes and I want to watch you cry like a girl as your team has its ass handed to it."

Sliding his hand under the sweater, he started to knead her breast and watched in delight as her eyes started to roll back and her breath hitched. "You were saying?" 

"I...god...I-" Her stammering was interrupted by the shrill ring of her telephone. "Saved by the bell!" Sliding quickly from his lap, she ran to the kitchen.

Smiling broadly, Patrick reached for his beer and took a long sip. He turned on the television and leaning back against the couch, waited for the puck drop. He continued to flex and squeeze his left hand. Though he continued to have ongoing tingling in his fingertips, there had not been another incident like the one in the OR a few weeks back. Chalking it up to fatigue and stress, he had cancelled his appointment with Dr. O'Brien in Ortho and concentrated instead on supporting his girlfiend.

Girlfriend. He still couldn't quite believe that he had one - that he had one like Robin. He had never met anyone in his life before her that had been worth standing still for. He had heard his friends talk about how being in love changed everything for them, how they saw colours differently, appreciated their surroundings more. He had chalked it up to too many romance novels and self help books but now he got it. The one thing he didn't understand was how people fell in love more than once. It had taken him this long to find Robin - to find someone who made him feel like anything was possible, that the future was worth contemplating. How on earth did people ever find a second or third person for that to happen with? He couldn't quite explain it but somewhere in the back of his brain, he knew that Robin would be the only woman he would ever love.

There was a slope to Robin's shoulders, as she came back to the living room, that caught his attention immediately. He knew she was still struggling with everything and her progress remained fragile. Clearly there was something about the phone call that had taken the wind from her sails.

"Baby?" he quietly called to her as he held out his hand.

Robin forced a smile and taking his hand, let him pull her down beside him. She curled her body beside his and rested her head on his shoulder. "Any score yet?"

"No. Who was on the phone?"

"Ms. Sneed."

"Oh? What did that praying mantis want?" 

Lifting her head, Robin gave him a crooked grin. "Praying mantis?"

"Come on - she looks like an instinct and if she could ever find a man to date her, I'm sure she'd rip his head from his body after sex just for the hell of it."

Laughing, Robin buried her head in his shoulder. "You're terrible" came the muffled admonition.

"No...I'm bad. Just how you like me." He curled his fingers through her hair. "What did she want?"

Realizing he wasn't about to let the subject drop, Robin uncurled herself from him and leaned back against the couch. "She's organizing the Nurses Ball and has asked me to give a speech."

There was an air of resignation to her tone that made him cautious and he watched her face carefully. "Do you - do you want to give a speech?"

She shrugged as she pulled at the imaginary lint on her hockey sweater. "I always have - every year that we've had the Nurses Ball, I've given one." 

"Why?"

Furrowing her brow, she tossed him an exasperated look. "Because. Because it's to raise money for HIV and AIDS and who would you have speak, if not me?"

"Do you _want_ to give a speech?"

Robin pulled her legs to her chest again, making herself compact and impenetrable. "I have to." 

Patrick looked at her in surprise and reaching for the remote, turned off the television. "Robin" he said softly as he touched her knee. "Do you want to give a speech?" 

She sighed heavily and wrapped her arms around her legs. "I have to Patrick," she repeated, her eyes finally meeting his. "I am..I'm the girl with HIV."

Running his hands over his face, he exhaled slowly. "That's a lousy reason to give a speech" he said softly. "That's a lousy reason to get up in front of family, colleagues and strangers and give a speech." 

"You don't understand" she snapped.

"Then explain it to me."

"I'm...I'm a symbol - I mean an example of life with HIV."

"Is that what you want?" he asked curiously, well aware of the danger signals and alarm bells that were going off around them.

Sighing in frustration, she shook her head. "You don't understand Patrick- you weren't here. I was diagnosed in the early, ugly days of AIDS. Back when people thought only gay people could get it and it was a punishment from God. They certainly never thought it could happen to a young, straight girl having sex for the first time - and they were terrified. But 10 years later, I'm still here and for the most part, pretty healthy and that's important for them to see. They're less afraid now."

Patrick let the words roll around in his head, weighing and measuring them, before he responded. "So in other words, you get up on the stage and do the one thing you hate - for a night, you define yourself - for other people - by your disease."

"It's not like that" she protested quietly.

"No?" he queried, his brown eyes watching hers.

Exhaling, she unfurled her legs. "Okay, it's a little like that."

"Do you like giving the speech?"

Robin shrugged again, dropping her eyes. "It...if it helps to make people more comfortable with HIV and AIDS then it's worth it."

"I don't understand that" he admitted. "I don't understand how you have worked so hard to get people to see you as a whole person, as more than just your diagnosis and then you throw it all away so that others are 'comfortable' with it."

"Patrick -"

"Have you ever told them the truth?"

Robin's heart was beating rapidly inside her chest. She had shared more with Patrick - unintentionally at times - about living with HIV than she had with anyone else. He had never seemed afraid of her - never looked for comfort or reassurance that being HIV+ was not as bad as people thought it was. He had accepted her as she was. "Wh-what do you mean, truth?"

"Have you ever told them the dark side? How there are times you can't sleep because you have a cold and you're worried that it will become more? Have you ever told them about the patients refusing to be treated by you because you have to disclose your status to them and they are too afraid to let them touch you?" His eyes shimmered with a hint of tears. "Have you ever told them about your fear of your protocol failing?" 

Biting down on her lip, she shook her head.

"I think they should hear it all. I think people should know that it's not just taking a couple of pills every day like they're Flintstone vitamins and then you go on your merry way. Robin, you are one of the bravest people I have ever met and if people are really interested in hearing from someone who is HIV+, on what it means, then they should hear it all and understand the type of courage you exhibit on a daily basis."

She wiped furiously at her eyes, trying to keep the tears from falling. "Why are you okay with it? Why are you okay with me being HIV+?"

He pulled her to his lap, draping his arm around her. "I'm not" he said quietly. 

"But I thought...you-"

"I'm not okay with you being HIV+ Robin. I want to take it away from you - I want you to be healthy and carefree. I ha- I hate that you have this but I love you" he said hoarsely. "All of you," he emphasized. "For you to be defined by being HIV+ is an insult to everything else you contribute and offer to the world. You are so much more than your disease."

As her eyes brimmed with tears, Robin wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her head against him. "How did I get so lucky?"

"I'm the lucky one" he clarified. "Falling in love with you has changed my life." 


	9. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

**Nothing you confess could make me love you less**

She couldn't help but have the poem run through her head as she stood in front of the door - it had been her constant companion since she had awoken that morning.

_Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, _

_And sorry I could not travel both_

_And be one traveler, long I stood_

_And looked down one as far as I could_

_To where it bent in the undergrowth_

Her hand was perched over the doorknob but she could not bring herself to open the door. It had taken weeks of talks with Laniey and living with the idea inside her head but she had finally decided to attend a support group - just for one meeting. Her conversation with Patrick about giving a truthful speech about being HIV+ had given the support group idea new life. She was struck by the notion that perhaps she didn't know what the truth about living with HIV was - was her experience unique or were there others living with the same fears and worries as she was? If she was going to give a truthful speech then perhaps she needed to make sure what she said was representative of the truth. This was the only way she knew how to do that.

Nervous energy coursed through her veins. Used to being judged, she found it difficult to conceive of being in a place where there were no judgements. Despite Lainey's assurances that she would only find support in the room, she remained skeptical. Worried that she would not know what to say or what to do, she thought about giving into the quiet panic inside her and bolting. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, seized the doorknob and twisted it open.

_Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--_

_I took the one less traveled by_

_And that has made all the difference. _

There were nearly two dozen people milling about the hospital's multi-purpose room. Pausing in the doorway she wracked her brain wondering if she had ever been in a place with so many...people like her before.

A young man approahced her. "First time?"

Robin gave a small smile. "That obvious?"

"Well you do have your purse strap in a Vulcan death grip, it's usually a dead give away."

Laughing lightly in spite of herself, Robin looked up at his kind face and smiled, letting go of her purse strap.

"I'm Darren" he said, extending her hand. "HIV+ for 18 years"

"Robin" she offered as her eyes widened in surprise. "18 years?"

He nodded. "I needed a blood transfusion when I was eight - the screening wasn't as good then. Are you newly diagnosed?"

She gave a small shake of her head. "11 years" she said quietly.

Darren led her from the doorway to the table at the back of the room, brimming with coffee and cookies. "I've been coming for two years" he said by way of explanation as he scanned the plate for the cookie with the most chocolate chips. "I never thought I would be in a place like this - I grew up being HIV+ and just kind of rolled with it."

"May I - may I ask what brought you here?"

Finding the cookie he wanted, he freed it from the plate and took a small bite. "Sure - so long as you tell your reasons."

"Deal." Reaching for a paper cup, Robin filled it with coffee.

"I don't know what triggered it but out of nowhere I started to get moody and restentful - of the pills, the tests - of the dentist who refused to clean my teeth - and I started taking it out on people around me. My girlfriend, Lucy, gave me an ultimatum, she told me to talk to someone or she was gone."

A wry smile formed on Robin's lips. "Sounds familiar. I...I'm a doctor and I was treating a patient who was end stage and her death opened up wounds that I thought were long closed. I started to slide into the abyss but I'm lucky, I have a boyfriend and friends who won't let go and they've pushed and cajoled and encouraged me to come here." Glancing around the room, she inhaled quietly. "I'm still not sure that this..."

"Is for you?" he finished.

"Something like that." Robin brought the coffee to her lips and sipped it, letting the hot liquid trickle down her throat.

"I get that but the nice thing about here? You're not alone. You don't have to talk if you don't want to, you can cry, you can yell - you can talk about how unfucking fair being HIV+ is - everyone in this room understands."

Feeling the tension roll away from her, Robin found herself nodding. "I think...I think I might be ready to not be alone with this anymore."

"Good - let's grab some seats. I'll introduce you to the bad asses - they have commentary on everything and are good for a laugh."

Seated amidst a group of smart, articulate and outrageously funny men and women, Robin found her own experiences reflected in so many others. She was amazed at those who had been subjected to levels of hatred and ignorance that she had not experienced and she was moved by the absolute courage that some of them displayed in the face of overwhelming adversity.

One man, Gregory, told a story of eating nothing but ramen noodles for two weeks because he had been laid off from his job and the absence of health insurance meant that he could buy his medication or food but not both. He joked about the web site he wanted to run featuring 101 ways to cook ramen noodles before adding seriously that at least his t-cells and viral load were still in check and that mattered more than fine dining.

As the meeting broke up, Robin looked at her watch, surprised that the 90 minutes had flown by so effortlessly. Not ready to speak about her life and unsure when or if that day would come, she still found that it was as others told her - there is strength in knowing that others are facing the same thing. She thanked Darren for being her guide and replied with a smile when he told her to drop in again.

Exiting the room, she stopped short as she saw Patrick's lanky frame leaning against the wall. A lazy smile appeared on his face and he held out a Starbucks cup. "A peppermint hot chocolate with extra whipped cream."

"And sprinkles?"

"Lots of sprinkles."

Robin took the proferred cup and then standing on her tip toes, kissed him softly. "I'm glad you're here."

"I'm glad you went" he said, against her mouth. "I'm proud of you."

"Let's get out of here" she said, smiling. She felt renewed and while she was aware that one meeting was hardly a cureall, it was, at least, a new beginning.

"I walked over - do you want to walk back along the docks?" Robin took hold of his hand and led him down the hall to the front doors.

Having strolled along the docks, they settled on a bench over looking the water. Robin had slung her legs over Patrick's lap and he was absently running his hands long her thighs while he stared at the sun slowly sinking into the horizon. Touching Robin - being next to her - had the most calming effect on him. Admitting he needed another person was difficult and he struggled to tell her how much he needed her but he hoped on some level she knew.

"So" he began, pulling his eyes from the setting sun and settling them on her, "how do you feel?"

"I feel..." she exhaled quietly and chewed on her bottom lip, "I feel okay."

"Just okay?" he queried, quirking his eyebrows upwards.

"Not just okay - but okay - like I'm going to be alright. God Patrick - there were so many of them who had been positive longer than I have and they are for the most part healthy and strong - but they still struggle to accept the virus as part of their lives. I - I always tell people that I've come to terms with it, because I think that's what they want to hear. But meeting these people and having them tell me that nearly 20 years on they still can't accept it -" she sighed, "I just feel less...I don't know..."

"Alone" he finished softly for her.

"Yeah" she agreed.

"For the record Robin - I don't ever want you to tell me you're okay with something - I don't care what it is - if you're not."

Leaning in, she cupped his face and nipped at his lips. "You're amazing."

"'Bout time you noticed" he replied with a grin.

Robin laughed, rolling her eyes. Rubbing her hands together to ward off the cool breeze, she turned her attention back to her boyfriend. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Is...is that what going to Al-Anon does for you?" Patrick sighed quietly and rubbed his hands over his face. Assuming she had touched a raw nerve, she scrambled to change the subject. "You don't have to tell me" she said quickly. "What do you want for dinner tonight?"

Giving her a quizzical look, he shook his head. "I don't mind that you've asked Robin, it's just that no one has ever asked me about it before and so I was just surprised."

"No one?"

He shrugged. "Being a child of an addict is a very isolating experience. You tend to keep people at a distance so that they never discover the ugly truth about your family. My best friend in New York, Eric, knows about my dad and knows that I go to group but we don't talk about it and I've never...I've never really told anyone else. I mean, part of the disease leads you to be a master of deception."

"What do you mean?" she prodded carefully.

He kept his gaze on the water, hoping the light was dim enough that she would not see the tears that formed. "I still lived with my dad for two years after my mom died and he drank heavily. He was embarassing - humiliating. He would show up at my baseball games drunk - he would get belligerent with the umpires and my coach and I would be so...I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. So it got to the point where I would hide information from my dad - I would lie about game times, parent/teacher interviews, even school graduation. And I would lie to my friends - there would always be a reason why they couldn't come over. I would meet them at the pizza place or the movie theatre - anything to avoid them seeing my dad."

Robin was quiet for several minutes. In the last two minutes Patrick had revealed more of himself than he had in almost a year and she wanted to ensure she respected his trust in her. "You must have felt awfully alone"

"I was alone" he said hoarsely. "I had no one really. And I thought I was okay with it - I thought the solution was to get out and get to college. Once at college I was able to create whatever story I wanted. I didn't have to protect my dad from people making fun of him or sneering at him and I didn't have to protect my friends from my dad being drunk. College was a life raft."

"So what - when did you start going to Al-Anon?"

"As an intern" he admitted. Sucking in a sharp breath, he was silent for a moment as he tried to regain his bearings. "It all became too much and after a fight with my dad, I yelled at a nurse, my resident and several patients. My resident gave me a flyer for a support group and told me I couldn't come back to work until I went to one." Turning back to face her, he smiled wryly. "And like you I discovered that there were others living what I was living. There is strength in numbers and there were - there are some days - that I need that, just to function."

Curling her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, she let go of a small breath. "Do you...do you still feel like you're isolated?"

Patrick traced his thumb along her bottom lip. "Sometimes" he admitted. "I love my dad Robin but...when I needed him the most he chose booze over me. I became his second choice and there are days that realization can knock me breathless."

Linking her fingers through his, Robin brought his hand to her mouth and pressed her lips against it. "You will never be second choice with me."


	10. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

**In your eyes I see that perfect world**

Gripping the edge of the bathroom counter, Patrick peered into the mirror; instead of his reflection, he was met with a series of black dots moving in a staccato rhythm. Squeezing his eyes shut, he exhaled slowly and prayed it would all go away when he opened them again. Prying open his eyes, he immediately shook his head to try and clear the Dali-esque formation his face seemed to take. His chest started to heave, his arm started to tingle and his knees began to shake.

"No, no, no" he whispered as he tightened his grip on the marble counter. "Please" he pleaded in a serrated breath.

The room started to swirl around him and he was only partially aware that his grip had failed and he was falling to the floor.

When he came to, he felt as though a truck was parked firmly on his chest. Gasping, he tried to remind himself to take long, slow, deep breaths hoping that would quell the hammering of his heart against his ribs. Raising an unsteady hand, he shakily wiped at the perspiration that had pooled on his forehead. Reaching for the towel dangling on the small brass ring, he pulled it down to him and ran it over his face.

Slowly - nervously - he pulled himself to his knees before taking hold of the bathroom counter and using it to support his trembling legs as he lowered himself on the closed toilet. He cradled his head in his hands and sucked in a sharp breath. It was the second seizure in as many weeks and despite the numerous excuses he had made for the numbness in his hand, he knew now that it could no longer be ignored.

He was scared.

Carefully balancing two coffees, Robin pushed her backside against the diner door and nearly fell over the threshold as the door was pulled away from her.

"Same old Robin - would rather do it by herself than ask for help."

Her mouth twitched up in to a smile as she recognized the voice. "Same old Sonny - always on the lookout for a damsel in distress."

Grinning with a flash of his dimple, Sonny leaned in and gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek. "How are you?"

"I'm great" she said brightly. And for the first time in recent memory she truly felt as good as she felt. Her relationship with Patrick was continuing its slow build, she continued to find both strength and solace in her support group and she was making great strides in her research.

Sonny took in the brightness of her eyes, the flash of colour in her cheeks and found himself grinning again. Though wiser, smarter and tougher now, she once again beamed the same joyful spirit that she had when he had first met her.

"You look great" he confirmed. "How is Patrick?"

Robin's brown eyes danced at the mention of his name. She loved him more and more every day and had finally given herself permission to let him in fully. Her leap of faith had been rewarded ten fold with his love. He was careful with her but never coddled her. He sought out her opinion but always challenged her. He shared more and more of himself without demanding anything in return.

"He's good - he's amazing" she qualified. "I'm actually just on my way to go see him. He's working today and I told him I'd bring him his coffee and walk him to work."

"Really?" Sonny asked with a hint of surprise in his voice. "So it's serious?"

Twisting her mouth to the side, she gave a small shrug. "I think it has the potential to be. He's...Sonny, he's really good to me."

"I'm really happy for you. No one deserves it more," he said sincerely. "Listen, did Ms. Sneed speak to you about the Nurses' Ball?"

Chewing nervously on the inside of her cheek, she nodded. After the hospital administrator's first phone call she had changed her mind almost a hundred times on whether or not she would give the keynote address at the AIDS fundraiser. She was learning to voice her fears more and more and Patrick encouraged her to give the speech provided it was the speech she wanted to give and not the speech she thought others wanted to hear.

"Sonny, can I ask you something?"

His dark eyes narrowed in concern and his tongue darted from his mouth, sweeping over his lips. "Of course sweetheart."

"If I...would you - would you be okay if I gave a speech that talked about..." her voice trailed off and she inhaled quietly before starting again. "If I gave a speech where I talked about the realities of being HIV+ - including the bad stuff, would you be okay with that?"

Though the ball was a General Hospital fundraiser, it was also Sonny's legacy for Stone and his way of seeking atonement for all his trangressions against others and himself. Their relationship may have changed over their years but she always wanted to ensure that she honoured him and the memory of his selflessness during those scary, dark days in the mid-90s.

Sonny was silent for several beats, his eyes firmly focused on his friend. "Robin - if...if you won't shine a light in a dark corner, who will? I am proud of the girl you were and the woman you've become and I will support you in whatever you choose to do."

Her eyes glistened with tears and standing on her tip toes, she pressed her lips against his cheek. "Thank you."

Pulling his hoodie closer around him in an attempt to ward off the chills, Patrick shuffled to the door and paused for a moment to collect himself before he opened it. Pulling back the door he was immediately warmed by Robin's bright smile.

"Hey lazy pants - you're not even dressed" she observed as she pushed past him. "You're going to be late." At home in the hotel room, she placed his coffee on the side table by the chair and flopped onto the couch before peeling back the plastic tab on her cup.

He ran his hand through his bedraggled hair and closed the door behind her. "I, uh - I just spoke to Alan. I'm not going in today." Her eyes shot up in fear and met his. "I seem to have a bug of some sort and am staying home."

Robin jumped to her feet and walking to him, placed the palm of her hand against his cheek. "Why didn't you call me baby?"

"Actually" he said gently, as he removed her hand. "You probably shouldn't stay - I don't...I don't want you to catch what I've got."

He knew full well that she could not catch what he had - even if he didn't know exactly what it was that was wrong with him - but he needed more time to himself to think. He was at a loss to know what his next step should be but there would be no way he could figure it out if Robin was hovering. Not to mention, he was unsure if he could continue to cover in front of her.

"Don't be ridiculous" she countered. "As if I'm going to leave you alone to be sick by yourself. What is it? A gastro? Sinus?"

He rolled his eyes as he hid his hands inside the pockets of his hoodie. "Robin, I'm a doctor - I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself."

Taking a step back, she studied his face carefully. There were dark circles around his eyes and she was trying to figure out if they were new or if they had been there for a while and she had simply not noticed. His face was pale and there was a slight shiver to his lips.

"I know you can take care of yourself" she replied quietly, "but...but you don't have to. We're a team, remember?"

His face softened immediately and he stepped towards her. "I know" he agreed softly. "I just - I'm probably just going to sleep though and you don't need to sit around and watch me."

"Do you really want me to go?"

Patrick swallowed thickly as he looked into her warm, brown eyes. He knew everything that he needed could be found there.

He didn't want her to go. He wanted her stay and wrap him in her arms and reassure him that everything was going to be fine. He wanted to feel her lips against his and know that whatever was going on with him was just a blip on the radar. He wanted to tell her that he was scared - that after the first seizure he had curled up into a ball on the floor and cried for almost an hour. He wanted her to drop a kiss over his heart and take away his fear. But he didn't know how to tell her any of it.

"No" he whispered.

"Good" she said with a reassuring smile. Fishing his hand from his sweatshirt pocket, she curled her fingers through his and led him towards the bed. "I'm going to take care of you."


	11. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

**Hide me inside your heart, let me wash away**

**Hold me beneath your body, all night and day**

"Lie down" Robin ordered gently, "I'll be right back."

Quirking his eyebrow up at her bossiness, he crawled on to the bed and flopped against the pillows as he watched her walk to the bathroom. The words were on the tip of his tongue. If he told her about the seizures, the numbness and the blinding headaches then, at the very least, it would be a little less scary. It was becoming a full time job to keep his fear at bay but at the same time he knew that Robin was still struggling with her own issues and he could not burden her with anything more, especially when he didn't even know what was going on.

Robin returned to the main room and sat down on the bed beside him. "Take off your sweatshirt" she commanded.

"Pardon?" he asked as a small smile played across his lips.

"You heard me Drake, strip to your waist."

Amused, Patrick pulled the thick cotton shirt over his head and tossed it to the side of the bed. Robin kneeled up and squirted the lotion she had retreived from the bathroom into her hands. Rubbing them together first, she then placed her palms against his chest and swept them over his skin.

"What are you doing?" he asked curiously as he tried to ignore the feeling of his heart flipping around his chest as she touched him.

"My mom used to do this when I wasn't feeling well - she would give me a massage and help me relax." Leaning in, she brushed her lips against his. "You are wound tighter than a drum, if you relax a little bit it'll help you sleep."

As her hands continued to move over his shoulders and chest Patrick shifted on the bed. Seeing the discomfort cross his face, she lifted her hands and looked at him worriedly. "Patrick? Am I hurting you?"

"That's one way of putting it," he grumbled.

"What's wrong?"

Small patches of red appeared on the apples of his cheeks as he dropped his gaze to his lap. "I..uh...I'm not sure I'm supposed to be getting turned on right now."

Biting down hard on her lip, Robin tried to stifle her laughter. "Really?" she asked in surprise.

Glancing first at his groin and then back at her, he shook his head. "Don't you know yet what happens to me when you touch me?"

"Every time?"

"Every time" he said emphatically.

"Yay for me!" she said, grinning.

It was still difficult for her to see herself the way Patrick saw her. In her group of friends both in Port Charles and Paris, she had never been the bombshell. She was always the steady, grounded friend. Cute and sweet but not the girl that guys went ga ga over. Patrick's insatiability for her was a novel experience and still threw her for a loop.

"So I suppose you'd like me to stop massaging you?" she teased lightly, pleased to see the colour returning to his cheeks.

"Well," he twisted his mouth in to a wry grin, "unless you plan on taking your massage further south, it's probably best if you stop. Not to mention, I think I am getting really sleepy." The seizure had depleted him of all energy. He felt like his batteries had been drained and the idea of doing more than lying on the bed seemed impossible.

"Okay" she agreed, "but I'm still staying here while you sleep."

"How did I know you'd say that?" His eyes were beginning to droop with fatigue as his breath lengthened.

Robin smiled. "Is there anything I can do for you before you fall asleep?"

He nodded.

"What?"

"Could you ... could you just lie here with me for a while?"

His mother's death had brought an abrupt end to any moments of clinginess he had ever had. He had always done everything he could to keep people just far enough away that he couldn't lean on them. His independence had been a source of personal pride. He never lacked for company but he never had to worry about appearing vulnerable or weak in front of another person. Before Robin the only person who had ever seen through his defenses was his best friend Eric. But even at that, he had never asked Eric for the type of support he was silently asking Robin for now. He wanted her. He loved her. And scariest of all to him, he needed her.

Curling up beside him, Robin draped her arm across his waist and laid her head on his chest. Linking her fingers through his, she tilted her head upwards and stared at him. He seemed locked in some kind of internal battle and she worried. Patrick always gave off an air of being carefree and easy going but she had discovered during the last several months that he felt things more deeply than anyone would imagine. Every failure took a toll on him that very few every saw. Over the last few weeks it felt as though he was always on the verge of telling her something but pulled back at the last moment. She had tried every way she knew to leave him an opening to tell her but he had taken none of them.

"Baby?" she called to him quietly.

"Hmm?" he replied sleepily. His eyes were closed and his fingers threaded through her silky hair.

"Is there...is there something else going on? Other than not feeling well?"

A lump formed in his throat as his eyes flew open. In that moment, unthinking, he was ready to confess all but swallowing thickly, the moment passed. "No" he said quietly. "I'm just a little under the weather."

There was something about his answer that left her feeling disquieted but she decided not to press further. Sweeping her hand across his chest, she nodded. "Okay."

Assured that he was sleeping soundly, Robin slowly extricated herself from his arms. She pulled the blankets up around his chest and lovingly pressed her lips to his cheek. Flopping into the overstuffed chair, tossing her legs over the arm, she stared at him. He was beautiful in every way and watching him sleep she saw flashes of a future with him - something she had never experienced before.

She had never really seen a future with Jason, not a real one anyway. At that time she hadn't believed there was a future for her and concentrated only on living in the moment. Her love for him had been real and consuming but she was still very much a girl - a lost girl - in love with a man. When the moment ended, as she knew it inevitably would, she accepted that was all there was for her.

Marriage and babies were abstract thoughts for her. In Paris she had entertained brief fantasies of finding a man who would fall in love with her and want to build a future together, for however long she had to offer. In reality she knew that was unlikely, if not impossible. What type of man would want to take the risk with her?

Glancing over at his sleeping form she could not keep the smile from her face. He was not perfect but then again she didn't believe in perfection for people. His trust was hard won, like hers. His heart was heavily guarded, like hers. His love was a gift, like hers, she hoped.

She thought back to her earlier conversation with Sonny about her speech for the Nurses Ball and she realized that she would be able to be unfailingly honest about life with HIV. Because of Patrick's love and Sonny's support, she would be able to tell others about the dark moments, the days when just the knowledge that she was HIV+ could suffocate her. But now she knew how to balance it with equal parts of hope and love.

Swinging her legs to the floor, she walked quietly to the desk for a pad of paper and a pen. She was ready to start writing. As she carefully rifled through the piles on his desk in search of even a single blank sheet, she stumbled across a package of printouts. Looking at them, her breath caught in her throat and she glanced over her shoulder at Patrick. It was the last thing in the world she had ever expected to find.

Patrick's eyes slowly fluttered open and he sighed sleepily as he stretched out his long, lean body. Without even turning his head, he was aware of Robin sitting beside him.

"How long have I been out?" he asked as his tongue darted from his mouth, moistening his lips.

"Three hours" she told him. "How are you feeling?"

"Better" he said nodding, finally turning to look at her. Seeing the look on her face, he stopped in his tracks. "Uh-oh - what happened?"

Robin scrunched up her face. "I wasn't snooping" she began.

"I don't have anything to hide" he lied.

"I was just looking for a piece of paper to do some writing with and I found these" she carried on quietly, brandishing the printouts. "Were...were you going to tell me?"

Taking her hand in his, he brought it to his mouth and dropped a gentle kiss on the back of her hand. "Not right away" he admitted, "I was hoping to surprise you."

The truth was, he had begun to consider settling in Port Charles months before he had told Robin he loved her. Even if he had been unable to articulate the words, he knew back then that he was where he was meant to be; that after years of roaming and searching for some place to belong to this was it. It was everything he never thought he wanted but felt so incredibly right that he could not ignore it any longer.

Her brown eyes widened in surprise and her heart began to hammer loudly in her chest. "So it's for real?"

"I can't live in a hotel room forever Robin."

She swallowed thickly trying not to get too ahead of herself. "I know" she said quickly. "But...but these aren't rentals - these are places for sale."

His lips curved upwards into a smile. "I'm aware of that."

"Buying a place is a commitment. It's like having roots..."

Pulling himself into a sitting positon, he reached for her and wrapped his arms around her. "I have always had a million reasons why I didn't want roots."

"And now?"

"And now I have one very good reason for wanting them."

"What's that?" she squeaked as she chewed on her bottom lip.

In that moment, all thoughts of seizures and headaches were driven from his mind. All that mattered was the look on his girlfriend's face as she finally understood that he was serious about her - and his love for her. Dipping his head, he brushed his lips against hers.

"You."


	12. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

I am breathless from the mercy of a smile  
I am standing on the brink of the most perfect love

Cuddled on his bed, his girlfriend's body tangled around his, Patrick sighed happily. It had been hours since his seizure and so far there was no sign of it returning. His headache was gone, his energy was rising and he was spending the day in bed with Robin; suddenly everything seemed better.

"What's rolling around in that big brain of yours?" Robin asked as she threaded her fingers through his. Their relationship, for the most part, had always been about activity - fighting, making up, making out, working, talking - there had been few moments of silence between them and even fewer moments of stillness.

He pressed his lips to her head before answering. "You. And the realization that you're a snoopypants and I am going to have to do a much better job at hiding gifts for you than I did of hiding the real estate listings."

Jumping out of bed, Robin ran to the desk. "Gifts? There are gifts?" 

Patrick rolled his eyes and laughed, delighting in her impish grin. "Not yet - but if you play your cards right I could think of a gift to give you."

Her eyebrow arched up and her tongue swept against her lips. "Oh? Is it already wrapped?" 

"I've said it before and I'll say it again - Robin Scorpio, bad girl in disguise."

Crawling back on the bed towards him, she waggled her eyebrows. "I like to keep you guessing."

"Oh you do" he said playfully as she lay on top of him. Feeling her gaze into his eyes his entire body warmed and he curled his arms around her. "Scorpio, do you have any idea how amazing you are?"

"Why? Because I'm an international woman of mystery?"

Shaking his head simply, he mouthed the word 'no'. "I've...it's been a long time since anyone has offered to take care of me and you've done it twice in a few months. I - I kind of like it," he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper.

She brushed her lips against his as her heart hammered inside her chest. The rare moments when Patrick let down his guard so completely were like magic to her. And each time after, his guard would return but always a little weaker than it had been before.

"This is what a relationship is Patrick. It's having fun,it's loving each other, it's taking care of each other, it's honesty-"

The hair on the back of his neck bristled as the word left her mouth. Yet again he was on the verge of telling her but could not bring himself to do it. He had a million reasons in his back pocket as to why -he needed more information, he needed answers, he needed time - but the cold hard truth was, he was terrified of telling her. He wasn't afraid of her not supporting her, just the opposite really, he was absolutely afraid that she would support him and take care of him regardless of the cost to herself. And he had decided somewhere around the time that he realized he loved her, that he could never let her sacrifice herself for him. She still bore the scars of the those choices from past relationships and he did not want to add to it.

He cut her off with a kiss, lazily sweeping his tongue inside her mouth. Robin sighed against him as her fingers curled through his hair.

"I don't think I've said it lately, but I love you" he said as he came up for air.

"I love you too - more every day" she replied softly as she traced her fingertips along his cheek. Chewing on her bottom lip, she looked at him from under her eyelashes. "So, um, it's entirely possible I forgot to ask you something?"

He scrunched his face curiously. "What?" 

"Well I guess I kind of took it for granted but realized that I should probably ask you - just in case you have other plans...or plans to go with someone else," she added sheepishly.

"Go where with who?"

"Will you - will you be my date to the Nurses' Ball?"

He responded with a small smile. "You have to ask? Scorpio, I plan on being right by your side. And as for asking someone else -" he shrugged, "you're the only date I want."

Robin's cheeks flushed suddenly, embarrassed at letting her worries show so easily. "I don't mean to be insecure..."

"You aren't," he reassured her. "You're my girl Robin and if you have doubts, tell me and I'll show you in as many ways as possible." Though he smiled gamely, his eyes fluttered closed and he let out a long breath as fatigue suddenly washed over him again.

"You're tired baby" she observed.

"I am" he admitted. "I think - I think I might sleep again. You don't have to stay" he added quickly.

"But if I want to?"

Patrick settled further back against the pillow and tightened his hold around her as he noisly kissed her cheek. "Then that would make me very, very happy."

Not realizing she had drifted off to sleep with her boyfriend, she sat up with a start as she heard the pounding on the door.

"Come on Pantsy - open up! I'm getting old standing out here."

Robin took a quick look at her boyfriend, still sleeping soundly, and quickly disentangled herself from him and padded toward the door, pulling the bedroom door shut behind her as she did. Opening the door, she blinked several times as the bright light from the hallway hit her eyes. Exhaling slowly, she took a moment to stare at the man before her. At nearly six foot five, he was an imposing figure with short curly hair and piercing blue eyes.

"You must be Robin" he stated in a softer tone than the one he had been using.

"Who are you?" she asked suspiciously, not moving from her place by the door.

"Eric - Eric Smitherman. I'm Patrick's friend from New York."

Realization dawned and she smiled as she extended her hand. "Nice to meet you - Robin Scorpio." 

His large, meaty hand engufled hers. "You as well. So, is our boy home or what?"

Robin stepped back, letting Eric cross the threshold. Though not as lean as Patrick, he was certainly a man that women looked twice at. She smirked as she thought of the stir Patrick and Eric must have caused at medical school. There was little doubt in her mind that she would have had trouble concentrating on anatomy courses if they had been in her class.

"Actually, Patrick's sleeping. He's got a bit of a flu bug and hasn't been feeling well."

"Oh" he replied, scrunching up his face. "It's just - I had a message from Patrick asking me to swing by Port Charles when I got a chance. I guess my timing kind of sucks."

"Not really," Robin smiled. "He's got to wake up at some point. I'm sure he'll be happy to see you - he talks about you enough" she teased gently.

"Back at ya" he replied with a grin as he took the measure of the petite brunette in front of him. "It's always Robin this and Robin that. You have no idea the relief on my end when he finally started to date you."

Robin's eyes danced happily while her cheeks flushed as she contemplated the image of Patrick on the phone talking about her. _Her_. It felt ridiculously girlish to be so excited over such a small, normal detail but she could not help herself.

"He's a pretty great guy" she said softly.

"The best" he clarified.

They stared at each other in awkward silence, neither knowing exactly what to say to the other, both feeling the absence of Patrick. Eric settled into the chair nearest the fireplace and looked around the hotel suite. Little appeared to have changed about his friend; he still seemed to prefer a suitcase to a house. He looked at the woman who had completely bewitched his friend and could not stop himself from smiling. Even in the short minutes he had spent with her, he could see why his friend had fallen for her. There was a strength and energy to her that existed just below the surface and though she looked sweet and kind, he knew from Patrick's stories that she stood her ground and could give as good as she got. Patrick said she brooked no excuses from him and Eric believed that his friend may have found just the woman he needed.

"So," Robin said, clearing her throat, "I, uh, I told Patrick I would get him some hot and sour soup and I was going to head out to get it - would...you're welcome to stay if you'd like.." she offered nervously.

She would have preferred warning to meeting Patrick's friend - his best friend - the one whose opinion would matter so much to him. It's not that she believed Patrick would stop loving her if Eric didn't like her but she would have at least liked a fighting chance to make a good impression. She shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other, giving a wry smile.

"I'd like that" he said softly. "I even promise not to put his hand in a pail of water to see if he wets the bed."

Robin's hand flew to her mouth and she laughed out loud. "You're terrible!" she remarked with a grin.

"Yes ma'am" he agreed. "Go get his soup and I'll be here when you get back." 

"Okay" she nodded, reaching for her keys on the coffee table. Heading towards the door, she turned back as Eric called her name.

"It's nice to finally meet you" he said kindly.

"You too."

Patrick groaned as he woke. The pounding in his head had returned and his mouth had gone dry. Prying his eyes open, he searched the bedroom for Robin and was shocked to find his best friend sitting in the chair near his bed side.

"Pantsy" Eric greeted him. 

"He-hey" he said trying to get his bearings. Pulling himself to a sitting position on the bed, he gripped his head. "Where's Robin?"

"She's gone to get you soup" he said carefully.

"You met her? She's great isn't she?" he asked proudly.

"She is" he agreed. "But before you start to wax poetically about your girlfriend, can we talk about you?"

"I've just got the flu - I'm okay. What - what brings you by anyways?"

Eric's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Because I had a message from you two days ago telling me you needed my help and asking if I could come by."

"Oh yeah" he said with a tinge of uncertainty. "How was Rome?"

"I'll answer your questions provided you answer mine first."

There was no mistaking the tone in his friend's voice. "What question?" 

"How long have you been having seizures and what are you doing about it?" 


	13. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

So we struggle and we stagger  
Down the snakes and up the ladder

As he scrambled to a sitting position the throbbing in his head overwhelmed him and Patrick cradled his head in his hands, groaning.

Rising from his chair, Eric carefully pushed his friend back against the pillow before offering him a bottle of water.

"Small sips Pat." 

"I know" he grumbled. "I'm a doctor too." 

"Really?" he asked, his eyebrow raised in surprise. "Then why does your girlfriend think you have the flu when you're having seizures?"

Squeezing his eyes shut, he let out a long, steady breath. Eric was his closest friend, his oldest friend; the benefit of that was that he knew almost everything about him and they had their own shorthand with each other. The downside was there was nowhere to hide when he wanted it most.

"Can you give me a minute to get my bearings before you lecture me?"

Eric shrugged and settled back into the chair, folded his arms across his chest and waited. Theirs was a friendship built on as much honesty as two people could handle. They had shared too much, lived through too many moments, big and small, for there to be anything but complete honesty with each other.

Taking several more sips of the water and feeling the fog around his brain start to lift, Patrick exhaled slowly and set the water down on the nightstand.

"Sorry" he muttered, aware he had snapped at Eric.

"No worries." 

Patrick stared straight ahead, as he dragged his hand through his hair. An expectant silence hung in the air.

"Stop staring at me like that."

"Like what?"

Turning his gaze to his friend, he rolled his eyes. "Like you want something from me."

"I do. Dude, I was sitting out there," he pointed to the living room, "and I heard you thrashing about. I come in to find you in the grips of a full seizure. And this is on the heels of you calling me, telling me you need my help. So I do want something from you – an answer."

"Eric…" 

"Pat. Don't even try to come up with a lie. Your brain is swiss cheese right now. Just give me the details."

"I don't know what's wrong."

"Bullshit."

"Eric, I don't. I had a hand tremor for a while and thought it was a reaction to the PEP protocol. The seizures are new."

Eric's face softened as he saw the fear flash through Patrick's eyes. His friend was in trouble. "Patrick, you are one of the most conscientious doctors I know, I don't understand how you haven't done anything about this – no MRI, no CAT scan-"

Interrupting, he said, "I was going to."

He shook his head. "This is not like you. What is going on?"

Kicking back the covers, he swung his feet on to the floor and rose unsteadily from the bed. Walking around, he sat on the edge nearest to Eric, giving him a faint smile.

"It's just been busy – I've had…I've had a lot on my plate. Robin's been going through some stuff." 

Even as the words left his mouth he was well aware of how feeble they sounded. How, if it were anyone he cared about giving such weak answers, he would frogmarch them to the nearest hospital and subject them to every test he could in order to get to the bottom of it.

"Dude," was all Eric offered as a response.

"I mean it – she's…it's not been easy for her and I'm trying to support her."

"You mean you're trying to hide behind whatever she's going through so you don't have to deal with it," he clarified. "This is so like you – when you find a part of reality that doesn't suit you, you do everything you can to avoid it, ignore it or change it into something else. Patrick – you and I both know that seizures are a symptom of a greater problem-"

"Christ I know that!" he snapped, before groaning at his own impatience. "It's why I called you" he amended softly. "You – you're the only one that I trust."

"What about your old man?" 

Patrick shrugged and dropped his gaze to his hand and his nervously rubbed his index finger. He had contemplated talking to Noah, had even gone by his office on several occasions, but in the end could not bring himself to ask his father. Their relationship was enough of an emotional minefield without adding his maybe being sick to the mix.

"I'd prefer you."

Eric exhaled slowly. "Okay" he agreed. "Patrick, you know I'll be with you no matter what."

"I know" he concurred with a small smile. "If for no other reason I have the photos of you in drag from first year."

Rolling his eyes in response, he shook his head. "Why do you always forget that I have you in that nurses' costume?"

"I burned that one" he stated confidently. 

"For a smart boy, you forgot about the negatives."

"I hate you."

"I know." Rubbing his hand over his face, he studied his friend. "Are you going to tell Robin?"

"Tell Robin what?"

Both men snapped their heads up at the sound of Robin's voice and Patrick looked nervously from his girlfriend to his friend, shooting Eric a pleading look. Rising from his chair, Eric's face split into a wide grin.

"I was just asking him if he was going to tell you how he got named Pantsy."

Robin paused for a moment, believing the conversation she had stumbled on to perhaps be too serious to be just about nicknames but neither man seemed to be willing to say any differently.

"Pantsy, huh?" 

Patrick rolled his eyes. "I'm not sure I'm ready for you two to spend any time together" he said, getting to his feet. 

Seeing him sway slightly, Eric got up quickly and offered him a steadying arm. "Easy there champion, the flu can knock the stuffing out of you."

"Yeah, yeah. Just because you finished ahead of me at school you think you're smarter than me." 

"I don't think it," he corrected. "I know it." 

Robin carefully watched the interaction. There had been few opportunities to see her boyfriend around people who knew him well. They socialized often but generally with colleagues from work or her friends, who were fast becoming his. This was the first time she got to see him on his own turf, as it were. And she liked it.

As the three walked the living room, she remarked on how at ease Patrick was with Eric. She couldn't tell if his defences were down or if Eric had just worked his way so far past them they were irrelevant. She witnessed a real bond between the do and that reassured her. So much of Patrick's life, from what he had shared, had been him alone, reinforcing himself to take on the world. But watching him now she was comforted that he hadn't always been alone, that there had been someone who had managed to see past it all and find the amazing person he was. Just like she had.

"So Eric, how long are you staying in town for?" Robin asked as she unpacked the soup. 

He cast a quick glance at his friend before looking back at the petite brunette. "I just finished a conference in Rome and I have a few weeks of leave to take so I thought I'd spend at least one of those weeks here with Pants-I mean Patrick."

Sitting next to Patrick on the couch, Robin gently touched his leg. "Am I going to get the Pantsy story or what?"

Blowing on his spoon to cool the soup, he gave a small shake of his head. "You haven't earned it yet."

"I haven't?" she asked in surprise. "Um, I think I have earned it – over and over again. In fact I think I may have earned it the other night-"

"Whoa! Best friend in the room and not ready for this conversation" Eric interjected with a laugh. Robin met his eyes with a wink.

Eric smiled as Patrick leaned in closer to Robin, almost fusing their bodies together. He whispered an outrageous comment to her, causing her to throw her head back and laugh freely. There was a way that he looked at her that Eric had never seen before. Even if he hadn't already told him that he was in love with Robin, one look at his best friend and he would have known.

Patrick Drake – ladies' man, charmer, commitment-phobe and generally melancholy – was happy. For the first time as an adult he was truly happy and Eric felt relief. He had long believed that this day might never come, that his friend was destined to never get out of his own way and let all that life had to offer, happen.

The irony, of course, was now that he had finally opened himself up he was at risk of losing it. Seeing him with Robin, his fear and his reticence to act on his condition now made much more sense to Eric.

Wiping his hands on his jeans, he smiled at them both as he rose to his feet. "I should get going."

Robin looked up at him in surprise. "Did…did you want some guy time – I could go and let you guys catch up" she offered.

"That's very generous Robin but not necessary. I'm jet lagged and in desperate need of my bed. My room wasn't ready when I arrived which is why I came up here to check on Pat. I'm going to crash for a while and then catch up with our boy tomorrow."

Sitting the soup bowl on the table Patrick got up and walked his friend to the door, giving him a quick hug. "Thanks for coming" he said genuinely. "It's…I'm glad you're here."

Eric looked at him intently. "I am always here for you" he said with his voice barely above a whisper. "Whatever you need."

"Thanks."

"Tell Robin" he urged quietly.

"Can't."

Eric nodded and put his hand on the doorknob. "This conversation isn't over – just tabled." Looking past Patrick's shoulder, he waved to Robin. "It was really great to meet you Robin. I look forward to trading stories and embarrassing pictures soon."

Giggling, she covered her mouth with her hand. "You too Eric."

He looked back at Patrick and put his hand on his shoulder. "Be good."

"Always." 

Patrick sighed with relief as the door closed behind Eric – relief that his friend was here and he could finally start to give voice to his concerns. He was counting on him to get him through this so that he could be the person Robin needed him to be, the person he knew he could be. 


	14. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

Spirit open to a thrust of grace  
Never a breath you can afford to waste

"Are you trying to steal my chocolate chip cookies?"

Caught rifling through the cookie plate, Robin froze as she was and smiled. "Hey Darren."

"Don't 'Hey Darren' me," he teased. "I have been calling dibs on those cookies for more than a year now. Don't think just 'cause you're a doctor at this hospital you can usurp me."

Giggling lightly, she turned to face him and handed him her cookie stash. "I..uh...I was getting them for you."

Taking the proffered biscuits, he winked. "You're looking pretty pleased with yourself and why do I think that cookies aren't really a factor?"

Shuffling to the coffee urn, Robin flicked the tab back and filled her mug. Shrugging non-chalantly, she reached for the sugar packet. "Am I?" she asked. Seeing his expectant look, her lips turned upwards in a smile. "I don't know - I guess - I guess I'm just in this really good place in my life right now. Things with Patrick couldn't be better and coming here is helping me. I feel - I feel less stressed or not as tightly wound as I used to."

"That's great Robin" he said, grinning.

She nodded. "I know. You know it took...it took me almost crashing and burning completely to admit that I needed support but now that I've found it, it's making all the difference."

For so long she had been afraid to admit to even herself that being HIV+ was a burden. There were too many people who expected her, who needed her, to be okay with her diagnosis. She needed to be okay with her diagnosis and over the years had convinced herself that it was completely manageable. She had blocked out the dreams about her mortality; she had refused to give voice to her fears of dying a slow, painful death; for herself and for everyone she had put the best possible face on what was, at times, a devastating reality.

April's death, the anniversary of Stone's passing and having Patrick exposed to HIV had set in motion an unstoppable course that had lead her exactly to where she was. She was not yet in a place where she was okay with those events but she was grateful that they had pushed her to do something. She was grateful that Patrick had not only stayed when he said he would but that he cared enough to push her when she needed it.

Armed now with the knowledge that he was looking to buy a house in Port Charles, that he wanted to make his stay a permanent one, she could not help but feel hopeful for the future - her future. Truly and unabashedly hopeful for the first time since she had left for Paris.

"That's what this group does" Darren confirmed as he took a bite from his cookie. "I'm glad that you're here when you're feeling so good about yourself." 

Tilting her head to the side, she looked at him curiously. "Why?"

"Because when life is going really well, it's easy to let something like this drop. But I think it's as important to build up your emotional immunity as it is your physical immunity. If you continue to come when life is good then you'll have more to draw on when it gets rough."

Robin took a long sip from her coffee and considered his words; they resonated deeply with her. There had been difficult days in the past and even when she had found the courage to talk to one of her friends about them, she had consistently held back for fear of overwhelming them. Most people, when hearing of another's problems or worries, always tried to fix it for them. But sometimes you didn't need the problem fixed - or it simply couldn't be fixed - sometimes you just needed someone to hear you. The support group did that for her and she understood that she needed it as much when things were working well as when they weren't.

Tapping her chin with her index finger, she pursed her lips together. "I...I know I haven't yet spoken formally in this setting but I was wondering what you thought if I did so next week?"

Looking at her in surprise, he nodded. "Of course Robin. It's an open floor and you can speak whenever you'd like - but you don't have to speak - ever."

"I know" she said softly. "It's just that I'm working on something that I'd like to run by the people here. Patrick has suggested that I make it as authentic as possible and before I unveil it to the world, I'd like to get the opinion of the those who would know if it's honest or not."

"I can't wait" he replied. Seeing the meeting start to come to order, he jerked his head in the direction of the chairs. "Shall we?"

"Yup" she agreed with a smile.

All the pieces were falling into place and she couldn't have been happier.

Eric looked down at his friend strapped into the cradle of the MRI machine and shook his head. He seemed small and vulnerable - two words he had never used to describe Patrick under any circumstance.

"Tell me again how we aren't breaking any laws?"

"We aren't" Patrick reassured him. "One of my friends in billing is just spelling my name differently and going to send the bill to me."

"Friends?" he asked, quirking his eyebrow up with amusement. "Or is this some girl you wined and dined before falling hard for the charming Dr. Scorpio?" 

Patrick rolled his eyes. "Would you just get this thing going? As excited as I am about the prospect of your witty banter, the longer I lie here, the greater the chance that someone is going to discover us."

"And what? I'm some dirty secret you want to hide from the world?" he asked with faux hurt. "You said you loved me Patrick - that I was the one..." 

"Smitherman" he snapped warningly.

Eric realized his friend's nervousness and dropped the teasing. "Okay." Reaching for the headphones, he placed them in Patrick's ears. "If you start to get claustrophobic and start to panic, hit the button and I'll pull you out."

"Thanks Doctor" he replied dryly, "not like I'm not already familiar with the workings of these machines."

Lowering his head, he looked at his friend seriously. "I mean Pansty. You may have given a ton of MRIs but to my knowledge you have never had one. It's dark, noisy and very small in there. If you start to freak, hit the button. If you think a seizure is starting, hit the button. Got it?" 

He nodded mutely and closed his eyes.

Lying in the cradle as it moved backwards into the machine, he felt exposed. By telling Eric about it, it was real. For as long as he had kept it to himself, he could deny that anything was happening, that the seizures were anomalies. But he had said it out loud and there was no where left to hide. Eric had pushed him hard to book the MRI so they could get going on a diagnosis. The clinical side of Patrick was in complete agreement. The sooner he knew what he was dealing with, the sooner he could put an action plan together. But his emotional side was another matter. He was in love - for the first time ever. His mind had filled with ideas of building of a life with someone, establishing a future with someone - with Robin - all the while aware of how precious a commodity life was. It had never occurred to him, that it would be his time that could be in peril.

The machine started its staccato noises and Patrick took several deep breaths to relax. MRIs were always a diagnositic tool to him but looking around at the walls that were so precariously close to his head and realizing just how scary an experience it could be, he made am mental note to be kinder to his patients who needed one.

Eric's voice broke in over the headphones. "Everything okay Patrick?"

"Yeah."

"So...Robin...she seems pretty great."

"She is."

"And you're in love with her?"

"Yup" he said easily. The thought of being in love used to send him into a full scale panic attack but with Robin - admitting he was in love with Robin - was easy.

"And she with you?"

"Yeah." He closed his eyes as the noises from the machine got louder. It would be a miracle if he got through this without a seizure.

"Then why won't you tell her? Patrick - this is what being in love is supposed to be about. Having that soft place to fall and all that. Your girlfriend is going to be pissed that you haven't shared this with her when you finally tell her."

"Who says I'm going to tell her?" He immediately regretted his answer. 

"You're going to tell her because there is no way you can go through any treatment without her."

"Eric, you don't get it. She is just finding her feet again - it's been...it's been really hard for her lately. She doesn't need this." 

The image of Robin, her bathrobe hanging haphazardly from her shoulders, her hair plastered to her face and her red-rimmed eyes, appeared before him. She had sunk so low following April's death and he could not allow himself to do anything that send her down that path again. He could not let her waste her time on worrying about him.

"Neither do you" he replied quietly. "You can trust her with this Patrick. I was in her presence for an hour and I could already tell..."

"Like you trusted Karen?" he shot back.

The machine stopped its pounding noises and Patrick sighed with relief. The cradle moved from the tunnel and Eric was there ready to release him from the straps. 

"Karen was a different matter." Undoing the last piece of velcro, he pulled his friend to a sitting position. "Go get changed back into your clothes and I'll get a rush on these. I'll meet you in your office in about half an hour."

Swinging his feet to the floor, Patrick nodded as he slid from the table. He walked to the door and curled his hand around the handle. Pulling open the door, he looked back over his shoulder.

"Eric?" 

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

Eric smiled at him, giving him a quick nod of the head as he moved back into the control booth. He didn't know if he should pray to find something or nothing.

Sitting in the thick leather chair, Patrick tipped it back and stared up at the ceiling. He was trying not to panic, to push back the rising bile in his throat but it was proving to be a losing battle. On one level he knew Eric was right - that Robin would be furious with him if she discovered something was wrong with him and he never shared it with her. But at the same time, how could he undo the progress she had made. He would need to tell her, he knew that, but he just wanted some more time before he did.

Time.

There was never enough. Not enough with his mother. Not enough for his father to make up for the time he had walked out of Patrick's life. And there would never be enough time for Robin. There were simply no circumstances under which losing Robin would not leave him feeling like he was cheated.

Tipping the chair forward, he leaned his elbows on his desk and stared at his phone. Picking up the receiver he turned it over in his hands, contemplating calling his father. He smirked mirthlessly as he replaced the receiver in its holder. It just didn't matter how old you were, the minute shit was ready to hit the fan all you wanted was a parent to run to. Exhaling slowly, he shook his head.

"Come on Drake - get a fucking grip, would you?" he chided himself.

He was startled by a knock at the door. 

Slowly raising his eyes, he swallowed thickly as he saw Eric filling his door frame.

"Patrick, I have your results."


	15. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

We're careful and we're cunning but we're easily bruised  
I don't want to kid about it, I'm not bulletproof

Watching as Eric closed the door behind him, dread began to work its way through his body beginning at his toes and slowly moving up. It wouldn't be long until it engulfed him completely. He never took his eyes from his friend as he crossed the room and settled in the chair across from him.

"Well what? You just going to leave me hanging? Did the MRI show anything?"

Nodding, Eric pushed the paper containing his results across the desk towards him.

Patrick locked eyes with his friend one final time before picking up the paper. Everything, every relationship he had - with his father, with his friend, with his girlfriend - would all change the minute he read the results. The nervousness and fear he had experienced in the days following his exposure to AIDS suddenly paled as he tried to read his friend's face. There was no hint of any emotion in Eric's face but then again for as long as Patrick had known, he had always done his best to be unreadable. Eric hated people trying to read him as much as Patrick did - it was one more thing in a friendship forged through deep roots that bonded them. 

His normally steady hand trembled as he reached for the report. The only sound to be heard in his office was the crinkling of the paper as he unfolded it. Expertly scanning the plethora of material, his breath hitched as he came to the section that mattered the most to him. Having read it once, he shook his head in disbelief and looked back to the top of the page where the patient name was listed to ensure that it was really his report.

He read it again.

And again.

And as he read it the fourth time, his eyes started to mist over. It was only five words but they were five words that had enough power to blow his life apart. Every nerve ending felt like it was short circuiting. The deep breath he took, intended to calm him, only made his heart hammer harder. His mouth dropped open in a vain attempt to take in as much oxygen as possible as he tossed the paper back on to the desk.

"No" was the only word to escape from the back of his throat.

"Patrick, I ran the results twice and had my colleague in New York look at it as well. It's definitive."

Pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, he exhaled slowly. "This can't be," he said, recovering his voice. "This...not this - anything but this."

Leaning forward, Eric tried to catch Patrick's eye. "Patrick - there is good news in there-"

"Good news?" he yelped. "GOOD news??? Have you lost your mind? No wait - that's what's waiting for me..."

"Patrick!" Eric said sharply in an attempt to quiet him. "Before you start running away with worst case scenarios, let's look at the facts." 

Folding his arms across his chest, he leaned back in his chair and stared up at the ceiling. He could feel his heart cracking inside his chest and hope seeping away from him. Not a surprise really. Hope was a nebulous concept for him. It was easy for him to encourage others, especially patients, not lose hope or faith as they were struggling but as with so many other things, following one's own advice was infinitely more difficult. Holding on to hope, for him, was akin to trying to nail jello to the wall.

"Facts?" he asked as he sat up straight. "You want to talk facts, fine. Let's talk about them - I have a meningioma, in my temporal lobe. I have a build up of spinal fluid in my brain which is one of the reasons why I can't hold a scalpel steady long enough to complete a surgery and why I'm having seizures. And let's look at the most important fact of all" he spat angrily, "my mother died - DIED - because of meningioma. So excuse me for not finding the good news in all this."

Rising angrily to his feet, he kicked his chair back and began to pace. His brain was a hurricane of thoughts and feelings - most of them involving Robin. He wanted her in his office; he wanted to throw his arms around her and hold to her like she was a life raft. He wanted to spend the day making love to her over and over again until he had had enough. But there was no such thing as enough when it came to her. There was never a moment where preferred to be alone than with her. He had no idea when the shift happened but it did and now she was so inextriciably woven in his life, he didn't know what it would be like to be without her. 

But he would have to figure out how because he was going to run out of time. And he would not let Robin see that. It was out of the question for her to see him through to the end. Before Eric had appeared at his door he had been worried about Robin running out of time - it had never occurred to him that he would be the one without enough time.

Eric watched him pace and noticing his breathing had slowed somewhat, he stood up and leaned against the edge of the desk. "Can I speak now?" he asked quietly.

Stopping in his tracks, Patrick looked up in surprise. For a moment, he had almost forgotten that Eric was in the office. He gave a small shrug as response.

"Pat, I'm well aware that your mom had a meningioma but her case was hugely complicated and by the time it was diagnosed it was too late for any other treatment. The placement of the tumor made surgery nearly impossible."

"I know that" he hissed quietly, "but he still tried and I lost both parents because of it. But that wasn't even really the worst part - you keep glossing over the fact that my father or I had to feed her because she couldn't grip a fork or a spoon and that I had to write her name and address and put in her purse and in her pocket in case she was out and forget how to get home. Or that she was bedridden at the end - that the seizures were so bad she had to wear adult diapers. I have so much to look forward to" he bit out through gritted teeth.

Sighing quietly, Eric ran his hand through his hair. "We are a long, long way from that ever happening Patrick. Look, I can put you on steriods today that will help reduce the fluid build up - your dexterity will come back and your seizures should stop. Then we'll start you on a course of radiation that will help shrink the tumor and with any luck surgery won't be necessary at all. It is highly unlikely that your tumor is malignant and that is good news."

Through his anger and rage, Eric's last words managed to register with him and he stopped long enough to take several deep breaths. "I'm sorry" he whispered. "I...I'm acting like I'm the only one who ever got bad news."

Eric waved him off. "This ain't about me Pantsy. Look, this sucks - it absolutely sucks but it's not doom and gloom. We have treatment options - way more than your mom had available to her - and we will exhaust every one of them to get you well. You wanna be pissed? Then be pissed but don't just roll over and give up. You've never done that and now would be a really bad time to start."

Patrick pressed the palm of his hand against his forehead and blew his cheeks out. His brown eyes watered and his bottom lip trembled. "I can't believe this is happening."

Eric opened his mouth to reply but stopped as the door to Patrick's office swung open.

"Hey baby I thought I would..." Robin's words died on her lips as she took in the scene in front of her. Looking at her boyfriend she could see his cheeks were splotchy and his eyes damp. Her heart leapt to her throat and panic gripped her chest. "Wh-what's going on?" 

Eric looked imploringly at his friend, silently begging him to seize the opportunity to bring Robin in but his face fell as he saw Patrick almost imperceptibly shake his head.

"Hey Robin" Patrick said, walking towards her and brushing his lips against her.

Stepping back she looked from Patrick to Eric and back to Patrick. "Okay, I've clearly walked in on something and you're upset - care to tell me what's going on?"

It was Patrick's turn to silently beg Eric as he stared at him. "Uh, Eric got some news..."

"He did? You did?" she asked turning to him.

Eric glared at Patrick before softening his face. "Yeah I did. I had testicular cancer during med school and it was a rough go. Pantsy there stood by me through thick and thin, even when I pushed away the people who cared about me the most" he said pointedly, looking at Patrick. "And I just reached my five year cancer free mark and Patrick is just a little...overwhelmed...on my behalf."

Robin smiled broadly at him. "Eric - that is fantastic news. You must be so relieved."

He returned her smile. "I am. I learned through it all that no matter how dark or tough things got, it's possible to survive anything."

"We should go out and celebrate - tonight at Jake's and you can tell me all the embarrassing stories you have, starting with how he became Pantsy." 

"I'd like that" he agreed. "Would you mind if I just finished up with Patrick - I have another meeting I need to get to."

"Sure" she replied. "I'll see you tonight." Walking to Patrick, she gripped hold of his waist band and smiled lovingly at him. "And I'll see you in a little bit - perhaps even for a consult" she purred seductively. 

Patrick nodded and kissed her softly. "Count on it" he whispered.

Robin waved to both men as she left the room and pulled the door shut behind her.

"Thank y-" 

"Don't thank me" he interrupted angrily. "Patrick - you can't do this. If you don't want to tell her today, that's fine but you need to tell her and the sooner the better. That girl is in love with you and will be by your side through it all. And quite frankly - you're going to need her."

Pursing her lips, Patrick nodded. "I know. Thanks Eric...for...everything." 

He nodded. "I wish...I wish the results were different and that this wasn't happening but you're going to get through it. You just need to trust a couple of us, okay?"

"Yeah." 

"Good. Call me later and we'll discuss the treatment in more detail."

Patrick waited until the door closed behind Eric before slumping to his chair. Picking up the report he read it again before crumpling it into a ball and hurling it across the room. It didn't matter how hopeful or positive Eric was. This felt like a death sentence.


	16. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

Such boundless pleasure  
We've no time for later

Curving her hand around the door handle to Jake's Robin let out a small yelp as Patrick closed his arms around her waist and pulled her from the door. Turning her around in his arms, he backed her up against the brick wall and crashed his mouth of hers, his tongue insistently parting her lips and sliding past. She moaned into his mouth as her hands gripped his green sweater, pulling him closer.

Panting and breathless, they reluctantly pulled apart and Robin stared glassy-eyed at her boyfriend.

"Wow."

"Wow?" he questioned as he dipped his head towards her neck and nuzzled his lips against her soft skin.

"You…you're…you're insatiable. First your office, then your room and now you make my knees turn to jelly with that kiss. What's gotten into you –not that I'm complaining" she added with a small laugh.

Resting his forehead against hers he gently ran his thumb across her cheek, breathing heavily. "I'm hoping to get into you" he purred seductively.

"You have – twice" she giggled.

Giving a small shrug, he flashed his dimple and nipped at her lips. "I just…I see you – how beautiful you are, how sexy you are-" As Robin dropped her eyes he tilted her chin upwards and stared into her eyes. "How sexy you are" he repeated, "and I just want to be with you."

Running her hand down the front of his sweater, she gave her head a small shake. "No one has ever made me feel the way you do," she admitted quietly.

Her words unknowingly cut at him and he swallowed down his grimace. "I'm going to make you feel like that until you just can't take it anymore." 

"Never" she grinned, "I'm never going to reach that point."

They stared wordlessly at each other for several minutes, oblivious to the comings and goings of the front door to the bar. Finally Robin pulled her eyes from him and glanced down at her watch.

"Crap! Eric's going to think we've abandoned him."  
Rolling his eyes in response, he slowly pulled her away from the wall. "He's a big boy – he can handle himself." 

Entwining her fingers through his, she looked up at him from under her eyelashes. "I really like him."

"But not too much, right?" he questioned half jokingly.

"Not too much" she agreed with a wink.

"Yeah, well – he likes you too." 

"I passed the best friend test?" she asked as she pulled open the door.

"There's a test? Have I been tested?" Seeing her nod in response, Patrick's eyes widened. "How could I be tested? Your best friend lives in Italy and she's never met me!" 

"I love it when you're paranoid! Oh look – there he is." She said excitedly half pulling him to the booth where Eric was firmly ensconced. "Sorry we're late" she said quickly as she slid into the booth.

Eric looked from Robin to Patrick and shook his head. "I always build in a 20 minute delay with Patrick if he's bringing a date," he joked.

Robin's eyes widened in mock surprise as she slapped Patrick's arm. "You told me I was your first!"

"He says that to all the girls."

"Oh god" Patrick groaned. "Something tells me I'm really going to regret letting you two ever meet."

"No baby – this is the best idea ever!"

Rolling his eyes, Patrick slid from the booth. "I'll go get us drinks – you two don't share any stories until I get back so I can refute them." 

Both watched as he made his way through the crowd to the bar. Robin turned her attention to Eric and smiled shyly.

"It really is great that you're here," she said quietly. "Patrick doesn't talk much about his life before moving here – not in detail anyways – but he has talked about you."

"Then we have that in common" Eric replied kindly. "Because he has been unable to shut up about you since he met you."

Laughing, she covered her mouth with her hand. "I feel like I should apologize" she replied sheepishly.

Grinning, he shook his head. "Don't. I've known this guy for more than a decade and I've never seen him happier than he is with you."

She blushed and lowered her head. There was a question burning a hole on the tip of her tongue. He was Patrick's friend and clearly cared for him in a way that few others in his life did. And despite him being a doctor, she knew that medical training was no shield against the realities of her life.

Raising her eyes to meet his, she smiled weakly and sucked in a breath. "Has Patrick told you…about me?"

Arching up his eyebrow, Eric shot her a curious look. "I'm not sure what you mean, Robin."

"I…I, uh" she stammered.

It was so rare for her to ever falter when telling anyone about being HIV+ but Eric was so important to Patrick and she worried that how Eric would react to the news would somehow colour Patrick's view of her. She learned a long time ago that 'I love yous' offered no protection against people's fears.

"I…I'm HIV+" she spat out quickly.

He smiled kindly and nodded. "Yes – he told me."

"Do you…do you have questions? Are you worried about him?"

Giving a wry smile, Eric couldn't help but think that he was extremely worried about his friend but his worry had little to do with his girlfriend being HIV+. 

"Robin," he began, "I'm a cancer survivor – I know from personal experience about disease and its pitfalls. I have also had several HIV+ patients on my service over the years. Truthfully, I worry more about you breaking his heart than I do anything else." 

"I would never" she interjected.

"I can see that now" he said with a wink. "But my Pantsy fell hard for you and he's never fallen for anyone before. And without giving me details, he's told me you're healthy and that's all that matters. He also told me that he never would have made it through the first few days after his exposure in the OR if hadn't been for you."

Her cheeks turned crimson again and she smiled. She nervously twisted the ring around her index finger. "When I was diagnosed, I was surrounded by people who loved me and cared for me. And though I knew the likelihood of him testing positive was remote, the fear wasn't and I wanted to make sure that he wasn't alone." 

"He's lucky to have you Robin."

Patrick watched them as he fought his way back through the crowd, a pitcher of beer and three glasses in hand. It looked so natural for them to be talking, even laughing. Eric had met most of his dates over the years and had said very little for or against any of them. His opinion of his dates had never mattered to Patrick until he met Robin. He knew that she was, quite simply, the best thing that ever happened to him and he wanted to share her with the one person who had been with him through thick and thin. Eric's opinion of Robin mattered because Robin mattered so very much to him.

He stopped moving for a moment as his mind drifted back to the crumpled papers he had retrieved from the floor and shredded. The reality of what he had learned that afternoon gripped his heart and threatened to squeeze the breath right out of him. Shaking his head, he tried to push the thoughts away.

Tomorrow.

He would deal with it tomorrow. Tonight he just wanted to pretend that everything was okay. Having made his way back to the table he placed the pitcher and the glasses down in the centre before looking nervously from one to the other.

"What?" Robin asked as she knit her brow together. 

"Just making sure that no one has pulled out any photos that would require me to go get my laptop and overshare with one of you about the other."

"He's cute when he's nervous" Robin said in a loud stage whisper to Eric.

"Nah" he replied in the same tone. "He's really not that cute." 

"Sitting right here."

Proffering a glass, Eric said, "And yet I still don't have a beer Pantsy. Care to remedy that for me?"

Giving an exaggerated sigh, Patrick filled a glass for Robin and Eric and then for himself. "What shall we toast to?" he asked.

"Well it's your 5 year cancer free celebration Eric – why don't you propose the toast?" Robin suggested.

Smiling gratefully, he nodded. "Okay – here's to doing everything it takes to stay alive – no matter how hard or scary – and winning." He stared directly at his best friend as they clinked glasses.

Patrick dropped his eyes.

"Okay" Robin set her glass down. "Let's get down to the nitty gritty – I want to hear the Pantsy story."

"Please no" Patrick said. "I'm not drunk enough for humiliation."

Leaning back on the bench Eric let out a deep throaty laugh. "How can you possibly still be affected by this – it's nearly 10 years ago. And it's not like you were humiliated like that since – well until Robin started turning you down for dates."

"I hate you" Patrick hissed with a grin.

"I know." Leaning forward, his elbows on the table, Eric turned all of his attention to Robin. "So back in the day of being a lowly intern, Patrick here had a bad habit of flirting with the staff in an effort to get invited into the best surgeries."

"Nice to know some things have never changed" Robin muttered as she blew a kiss to her boyfriend.

"Exactly. Now the head of neurosurgery at our hospital was this very frigid, very mean cougar by the name of Dr. Lynley. She would eat interns for breakfast. She had rules about everything – how your scrubs fit, hair cuts, shoes – everything and everyone gave her a wide berth-"

"Even you?"

"Hell yeah. I was no glutton for punishment. Genius boy over here" he said, jerking his thumb in Patrick's direction, "thinks she just needs some softening up. So he starts to work his Drake magic on her. Flirting here, smiling there and since my boy has some game, he actually made old Medusa smile."

Patrick simply rolled his eyes in protest and took a sip of his beer.

Eric continued. "Finally Lynley started to warm to him and invited him to participate in one of her surgeries. The jealousy among his fellow interns was palpable and of course some type of retribution was required."

"Oh dear" Robin commented as her brown eyes danced with anticipation.

"So someone who shall remain nameless-"

"Eric" Patrick added.

"Anyways" he continued, "someone told Dr. Love that Lynley liked brightly coloured scrubs ties with a lot of slack. That it was an aesthetic that truly appealed to her. Taking the information and running with it, he showed up for his big surgery debut in navy scrubs with long pink ties hanging down the front, nearly to his knees."

"Oh my god" Robin exclaimed, looking at her boyfriend's fast reddening cheeks.

"Now he had quite an audience in the gallery as we all wanted to see his genius at work. Lynley looked at him with disdain but said nothing. The surgery went off without a hitch and as the patient was being wheeled from the OR, she called Patrick over to her. He walked over – well he sauntered really – and stood really close to her so she could get the benefit of his greatness."

"What happened?"

"You want to finish the story?" Eric asked Patrick.

Taking a long sip of his beer, he shook his head. "And deny you your moment of glory, hell no."

"So Lynley smiles beatifically at him, grabs hold of his pink ties and looks him straight in the eye and says 'If you ever come dressed like this to my OR again it will be your last surgery'. She yanks so hard on the ties, his pants fall down and low and behold Dr. Love is going commando!"

Robin screamed with laughter as Patrick cradled his head in his hands.

"And so Pantsy was born?" she asked as she gulped down air.

"And Pantsy was born" he confirmed.

Seeing Patrick flushed crimson from his neck to the top of his head, Robin slid her arm around his shoulder and pressed her lips to his cheek. "It's okay Pantsy, I luvs you."

"I hate you both" he groused with a smile.

Giving him a small hip check, Robin grinned. "I have to go to the little girls' room – excuse me Pantsy." 

Patrick slid from the booth and let her out before sliding back in. "I wish you didn't enjoy that story so much" he said as he reached for his beer.

"Aw come on – it's one of my favourites."

"Yeah, yeah I know. Listen Eric….in all the – insanity- from today I didn't get a chance to tell you how truly happy I am about your all clear. I know how hard that fight was for you and I know what you lost in the process. I just…I just didn't want you to think I was so myopic that I couldn't see that."

Tipping his glass towards his friend, he smiled. "Thanks."

Draining his glass, Eric set it on the table and reached into his pocket, pushing a small pill bottle towards his friend.

"What's this?" Patrick asked without touching it.

"It's steroids – if you start them first thing tomorrow, we'll be able to bring down the fluid in your head and that'll help with the seizures."

"Eric…"

"Pat – do you remember when I was in isolation? When I had no immunity left, I was bald, painfully thin, I couldn't eat for the sores in my mouth?"

Patrick nodded knowingly.

"Do you remember what you told me that night you came by and I told you I was going to die?" Not waiting for an answer, he carried on. "You told me I had a choice to live or die and I needed to fight. You told me there were people who loved me and needed me and it was down to me if I was going to survive."

"This is different-" his voice hoarse, as he interjected.

"Damn straight it is. You aren't dying Patrick – there is less than a 5 chance that your tumour is even malignant. We can treat this and we can cure you – but it's down to you. You have people who love you and need you – me, your dad and Robin."

Overwhelmed, Patrick blinked back the tears that seemed to suddenly form in his eyes. He closed his hand around the pill bottle and slipped it into his jeans pocket. 

"Okay" he said, "I'll fight."

"And you'll tell Robin."

He nodded. "I will. After the Nurses' Ball" Seeing Eric roll his eyes, he held up his hand. "I mean it. It's a really big night for her and I don't want her distracted from that. But I will, I will tell her after – I promise." 


	17. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

Alone in this place with a lifetime to trace  
And a heartbeat that tells me it's so  
I've got these tears from a long time ago

It had been a long shift at the hospital and she had been looking forward to a leisurely dinner with her boyfriend and curling up on the couch to watch a movie but a multi-vehicle car accident scuppered her plans. Patrick had called her, full of apologies, as he reviewed a CAT scan. Knowing it would likely be a long surgery, he had told her that he would head to his place after and see her in the morning for breakfast. 

Dragging the comb through her wet, tangled hair Robin flopped on to her bed and stared warily at the blue and white hat box perched on the nightstand. With an evening unexpectedly all to herself, she had soaked in a long bath after promising she would tackle her Nurses' Ball speech. The Ball was two weeks away and she had wanted to bring at least a draft of her speech to her support group for their feedback. Of course, she would actually need to have written a speech in order to do that.

Sighing quietly, she reached for the hat box and placed it in front of her on the bed. Her fingers played with the folded rim but she couldn't bring herself, not quite yet, to pull the lid off.

"I am NOT afraid of a box" she announced loudly to no one in particular. "Just the contents" she added sheepishly.

The box was as well traveled as she was. It had been to Yale, Paris and Rome before making it back to Port Charles. It was full of history and memories - both painful and pleasant. Patrick had encouraged her to tell the truth about being HIV+ and she wanted to - it was time. And the truth lay inside the box.

Swinging her feet to the floor, she padded out to the kitchen and retreived the bottle of Shiraz that she and Patrick had opened over dinner the night before. Pulling a glass from the cupboard, she carried it back to her bedroom. If she was going to go face to face with the truth, she might as well bring along a buffer.

After pouring a glass of wine she climbed back on the bed and curled her legs underneath her, indian-style. Having taken a fortifying sip of wine, she took hold of the box and eased the lid off. She held her breath as she peered inside. To any other person the contents were just papers - papers and photos - but to her they were bundles of emotions - fear, joy, sadness. Each paper, each photo had a story and she was central to each of them. 

Closing her eyes she sunk her hand into the box and fishing around grabbed hold of a paper and pulled it out. Opening her eyes she unfolded the paper to see what part of her past she had found. She smiled wryly at the slightly discoloured paper in her hands. It was the information sheet the pharmacist had given her when she had filled her first prescription for AZT. It had been the only drug available for so long. It had been her lifeline and though she hated taking it then as much as she hated her protocol now she did her best to view it as steps towards a long life and away from death. She gave a small shake of her head as she read the possible side effects:

_The commonest side-effects of AZT are nausea, vomiting, headache, dizziness, fatigue, weakness and muscle pain. These often occur in the early weeks of treatment. Medicines to control nausea and headache can be prescribed before starting AZT. Nausea and vomiting may also be reduced by making the following adjustments to diet:_

Taking AZT before meals.  
Eating many small meals during the day rather than three large ones.  
Avoiding spicy food, fried foods and sweets.  
Consuming more cool foods and drinks.   
Drinking plenty of water, apple juice, flat ginger ale or cola.   
Eating dry foods such as crackers.

Other side-effects occasionally reported from AZT include rashes, severe muscle pain and inflammation, nausea, insomnia, nail discoloration, and kidney disorders.

These toxicities are more severe and more common in people with damaged immune systems. 

She had suffered with almost every one of those side effects. Her roommate at Yale had noticed the rash before she did. Small red bumps appeared on the side of her neck and covered her ear. She had hoped to avoid telling anyone at school about her status but there was just no way to separate HIV from her life. Her roommate had been kind, going so far to accompany her to the infirmary to have her rash looked at. Any time she came face to face with prejudice over HIV, any time she was made to feel diseased or untouchable, she thought back to the number of people who had simply accepted her for who she was HIV and all.

Smoothing out the paper she set it to the side and dove her hand back in the back. Her eyes misted over as she gazed at the photo in her hands. At the first Nurses' Ball after Stone's death, her uncle Mac had surprised her with a panel for the AIDS quilt in Stone's memory. He had wrapped it around her, enveloping her both in his love and support. Brenda had taken a photo of her on stage, wrapped in the rich blue velvet panel and many years later had sent it to her. So many feelings swirled around her as she continued to stare at the image. She looked so small in the picture and she realized she felt small then. Her first love had died, painfully and sadly. She had nursed him through his darkest hours and the evidence of her loss was so clear in her posture and in her eyes. She laid the photo by the information sheet and reached for her glass of wine.

It had been years since she had opened the box. The night she decided to come back to Port Charles and try to save Jason Morgan, she had pulled it from the shelf in her bedroom closet. Much like this night, she had stared at it but in the end she had carefully replaced it on the shelf, unopened. Taking a long sip from her glass, she leaned back against the pillows, stretching out her legs in front of her. Her apartment was unusually silent. Normally the television was on, the sounds of some all-news channel filling the void; or she kept her ipod on shuffle, singing along to the songs as they played. But there was something about looking back that required silence - or at least no distractions.

Setting her glass back down she swirled her hand around and pulled out another piece of paper. The weight of the paper - heavy - immediately gave away what it was. While never one to keep a daily journal she had, over the years, taken to writing down moments as they happened. Some times it was random thoughts or quotes, other times it was full essays. Inhaling sharply, she unfolded the thick cream paper.

_April 2004._

I hate this. My stomach hurts all the time. I had finally reached a comfort level with my protocol when Dr. Lalonde felt the need to change up the drugs. And now I'm back at the beginning - nauseous, irritable and existing on crackers, soup and gingerale. Why does it always feel like I'm back at the beginning? Is there ever going to be a day when I just take a pill and not think about how long it will work for? Or am I going to reach the point where there are just no more pills left for me to take? Will I trade everything then to feel this nauseous and cranky? They say there is a cure coming and I believe them. There has to be a cure but whether or not it will ever come in time for me, I have no idea. It's funny, I almost never dream about dying - except when they change my meds. Then I spend weeks dreaming, worrying, wringing my hands raw.

I hate this. 

Several tears spilled down her cheeks as she reread her words. Swiping at them, she tossed the paper to the side of the box. Writing was catharsis for her and she rarely, if ever, revisited what she had written. Her feelings on that paper were honest and raw and she had never expected to draw on them for anything. No one, not even Brenda, knew that she dreamt of death. It was too gruesome to explain to others and in any event, she wanted to pretend it never happened.

Taking a slow, steadying breath she reached back into the box and burst out laughing when she saw what she had retreived.

It was a fudge mocha ice cream bar wrapper. In fact, it was the wrapper from the fudge mocha ice cream bar that Patrick had brought her when she was recovering from the encephalitis outbreak. It had been a period of absolute madness as the town was hit by the virus and the hospital was filled to overflowing. Her father had reappeared from the dead, tracking the outbreak. And because of complications from her HIV, she had nearly succumbed to the virus. But Patrick refused to let her surrender to it. She had discovered long after the fact that he had nearly browbeaten every lab worker to find the antidote and when they couldn't, he screamed at them in frustration. She had thought herself silly at the time for saving the wrapper but for reasons that weren't necessarily clear to her then, she had slipped it inside the box. Now she knew that she kept the wrapper as a symbol of hope. She had stared down a potentially fatal virus and even then she knew she was beginning to fall for the annoying, egotistical and irresistible Patrick Drake.

Giggling, she added the wrapper to the growing pile.

Diving back into the box she took hold of another piece of paper. She gasped when she saw what she was holding. The corners of the paper were dog-eared and the creases were well worn from where the page had been repeatedly folded and unfolded. Her hand trembled slightly as she peeled back the page and tears sprang to her eyes as she gazed at the awkward, stilted handwriting.

It was a list. A simple list of things Stone wanted to do before he died.

_ swim with the dolphins  
go bungee jumping  
fly in an airplane  
walk on stilts  
watch a sunrise with Robin_

Her vision was completely blurry and she quickly folded the paper and gently placed among the other items she had taken out. It wasn't necessary to read the rest of the list - she knew it by heart. The final months of Stone's life had been filled with as much happiness and love as his friends could provide him but none of that altered the outcome. And it was the outcome that fundamentally changed who she was.

Sucking in a breath she reached for the lid and shakily placed it back on the box. She had pulled out enough to give her what she needed for her speech. Dragging her fingers through her hair, her head snapped up at the sound of a key in the front door. Tightening the belt of her robe she walked quickly to the living room and did a double take as she saw Patrick come through the door. 

"Hey" he smiled tiredly. He walked to her and cupping her face kissed her softly, nipping at her lips.

"Hey" she replied.

"It's okay that I used the key, right?"

Robin nibbled at his soft lips. "Of course it is. I thought you were going to sleep at your place tonight." 

"I was. I went there and then I realized I couldn't sleep without you. You're kind of like the blankie I had when I was five-"

"Did you just compare me to a blanket?" she asked, chuckling.

"I think I did" he replied sheepishly. "But you are a sexy, desirable, hot blanket" he amended.

"I see" she grinned, entwining her fingers through his.

"That was really supposed to sound a whole lot better than it did."

"Why don't we just chalk it up to you being exhausted?"

"I'd appreciate that. Can we go to bed?"

"Absolutely." Taking him by the hand she started to lead him back to the bedroom but he pulled her to a stop and slid his arms around her waist, hugging her tightly as he left a trail of soft kisses on her neck. "You okay, baby?" she asked, looking at him over her shoulder. 

"Yeah - I just like kissing you."

Flopping onto the corner of the bed, he kicked off his shoes and with a heavy sigh, leaned back. It was only then that he noticed the box and the small pile of papers.

"Were you working on something?" he asked.

Robin gathered up the papers and tucked them inside an envelope, leaving it on her dresser. "Just stumbling down memory lane. I was looking up some stuff to work on my Nurses' Ball speech."

Rubbing his face, he sat up and held his hand out to her. "Are you okay?"

Taking his hand she climbed in to his lap and threaded her fingers through the fine wisps of hair at the back of his neck. "I am. I look back at some of those things and I just want to go back and tell that scared, sad 17 year old that it gets better. I want to tell her that there are plenty of tough days but there are just as many amazing days. And I want her to know that she's going to fall in love with the most incredible man."

He smiled lovingly at her while tracing the outline of her mouth with his fingertip. "Would you change anything?"

She shrugged lightly and looked over his shoulder before answering. "I guess there's a part of me that wishes I hadn't had to watch Stone die. Seeing him fade slowly, seeing him in pain and not being able to change it, feeling him slip from me - that is a pain I could do without."

The muscle in the side of his cheek twitched and his chest constricted as he listened to her. Swallowing down his feelings he trailed his fingers along her thigh, concentrating on the feel of her skin against him. 

"But all in all" she continued, chalking his visible tension up to fatigue, "I wouldn't change any of it. However difficult the path has been, it brought me to you. And you make it all worthwhile." 


	18. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

You show myself to me

Patrick smirked without raising his eyes from the papers in front of him. "Don't even think of throwing that," he said with a warning as he continued to review the report in front of him.

"Damn!" Eric sighed as he came through the door. "How did you know?" He dropped the balled up paper on Patrick's desk and flopped back into the chair.

Closing the folder, Patrick leaned back and rolled his eyes at his friend. "Maybe because you have been throwing things at me from doorways since first year? Besides Smitherman, you're a big boy – you can hardly sneak into a room." 

Furrowing his brow and pursing his lips, he glared jokingly at his friend. "Are you calling me fat? 'Cause I'm a little sensitive about my hips you know."

"Freak"

"I know you are but what am I?"

Patrick groaned as he shook his head. "You're impossible."

"I know." Tilting his head to the side he did a careful visual exam of his friend – checking the colour in his cheeks, the clarity in his eyes. His gaze dropped to Patrick's left hand looking for any sign of the tremor that been plaguing him on and off for weeks.

Well aware of Eric's cursory exam, Patrick held up his hand and wriggled his fingers. "No tremors."

"Headaches?"

"Tiny ones – nothing like before. It would seem the steroids are working."

"Now there's a shock" he replied caustically. "You follow the standard treatment for something and things start to progress. I hear they teach that somewhere….it's a special place….I think they call it medical school."

Reaching for the ball of paper Eric had deposited earlier, he threw it clearly at his friend's head. "Shut up."

Eric shrugged lightly. "Pantsy – we have to talk about what's next-"

"I know, I know – I have to tell Robin."

"Well yeah but that wasn't what I was referring to. We're going to need to do another MRI in a few weeks and see how the size of the tumour is. If it hasn't decreased enough then we need to start you on radiation." 

Reaching for his pen he rolled it between his fingers, keeping his gaze towards the desk. "I know" he confirmed quietly. 

Leaning forward, Eric tried to catch his eye. "Patrick, do you want to get a doctor here? Your old man, maybe?"

His head snapped to attention. "No."

Patrick had gone back and forth wondering if it would be worse for Robin or Noah to be told about his diagnosis and for the moment, he decided it was Noah. For Robin it would echo with similarities to her past but for Noah it would be a replica of his past. He would come face to face with the very thing that sent him spiralling to the bottle and emotional oblivion. While they're relationship was still tentative, he had no desire to play any role in his father backsliding.

Eric raised his hands in surrender. "Okay."

"I…I want you to stay as my doctor."

Giving him a small, reassuring smile Eric nodded. "Okay but there will be rules."

Patrick groaned good naturedly.

"Rule #1 – no missing appointments with me. We'll work out something so that you're not making unnecessary trips to the City but you can't cop out. Rule #2 – you have to tell Robin. Rule #3 – I need you to believe that you're going to get better Pat. It's not necessarily going to be easy but you will get better. You need to trust me and trust yourself."

"Hey sport I was wondering if I could-" Noah stopped suddenly in the door way.  
"E-Eric" he stammered. The last time he had seen him had been at graduation where Noah had been embarrassingly drunk and created quite a scene. It had also been one of the last times he had seen Patrick.

Eric stood and extended his hand. "Dr. Drake – it's nice to see you again. Pant- Patrick tells me you're doing well."

Noah's cheeks were tinged red and he smiled gratefully at the young doctor, shaking his hand. "It's Noah, Eric. And yes, actually thanks to Patrick I'm doing very well."

"No – that was you Dad" Patrick interjected carefully. "You did it on your own." 

Sighing quietly, the elder neurosurgeon nervously wrung his hands together. It was clear that he had interrupted a serious discussion between the two friends. "I…uh….I wanted to get your opinion on something Patrick but it can wait."

Patrick nodded. "Okay – Eric and I were just catching up – he's on his way back to the City. Give me an hour and I'll come find you?" 

"Of course." He was torn with wanting to stay but he didn't want to irritate him and undo any of the progress they had made in their relationship. "It was nice to see you again Eric." 

"You too Dr –er, Noah."

Eric waited until Noah pulled the door shut behind him before turning his attention back to Patrick. "You're going to have to tell him too you know." 

"Back off Eric" he snapped.

Undeterred, Eric simply shrugged. "Look, you and I both know that success in difficult cases has as much to do with the support the patient receives as it does the treatment. You have two people who care very much for you and you're going to need them."

"Jesus Christ!" he growled sharply as he brought his hand down on his desk with a thud. "I don't need your psychological asides okay? I need your talent as a neurosurgeon and that's it. Leave me to deal with my girlfriend and family!"

Without flinching, Eric rose from his chair and jammed his hands into his pockets. "Your outburst tells me two things Pantsy – one, you are scared shitless and two, the steroids aren't going to be enough. When you're ready to deal with either of those things, you know where I am. I'll see you in a few weeks."

Heading straight for the door, he slipped through it without looking back.

Patrick cradled his head in his hands. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."

He had not meant to snap at his friend, he wasn't even particularly bothered by his insistence on sharing the information with his father and Robin. But his patience was in short supply. He wanted – he needed – the steroids to work so that this would all go away and he wouldn't have to tell anyone anything. Unfortunately he knew as well as Eric that they wouldn't work for long.

"Are you sure you're ready to take me on?" Robin asked with a playful glint in her eyes.

It was late November and the weather had cooperated enough to allow the outdoor rinks to open for some early season skating. Having seen Patrick's tense mood at the hospital, she had nervously proposed a late night excursion to the rink as a way to blow off some steam. She was surprised at how excited he was at the idea and felt a wave of relief wash over her.

"Baby, I was born to take you on" he said throatily as he did up his skates. "Now, if I beat you, you are going to have to take off that stupid New Jersey Devils sweater, once and for all."

"Paaaatrick" she whined teasingly. "It's freezing out here – I'll get cold."

He drew her to him for a slow burning kiss. "Trust me" he whispered against her mouth, "I'll make sure you stay….hot."

Jumping to his feet, he held out his hand to her and they took their first tentative steps onto the ice, hand in hand.

Eric's departure had left him out of sorts and feeling vulnerable. It was difficult for him to maintain one clear thought about the tumour growing in his head. When he closed his eyes at night he pictured it like a pac-man, hungrily munching inside his head, getting fatter with each passing day. Clinically he understood that his rapidly changing emotions and his feelings of vulnerability were mostly a result of the tumour and the area of his brain that it occupied but he was finding it difficult to be clinical for more than a few minutes at a time.

Robin's suggestion of a fun night out - just the two of them - infused him with a sense of calm. But then again, Robin's mere presence always did that do him. She was a stabilizing force in his life and had been from the very beginning. 

Grabbing the lapels of her coat, he crashed his mouth down on hers sweeping his tongue hungrily inside her warm mouth. She snaked her hands around his waist to keep her balance as she deepened their kiss.

Reluctantly, they came up for air. "What was that for?" she asked contentedly as she fingered her swollen lips.

"I love you" he replied simply. "And I'm not sure if I've told you that lately."

"Wow" she grinned. "You're really getting the hang of this boyfriend thing."

Skating to the boards to collect their sticks, he called over his shoulder. "What can I say? I'm a quick study."

Passing her the shorter of the sticks, he dropped the puck to the ice. "You're defending first" he told her, sounding every inch like the little boy in the playground.

"Why?" she whined. "Why do I have to skate backwards and you chase me?"  
A mischievous grin appeared on his face. "Gee Robin – aren't you the one always looking for the deeper meaning of things?"

"And what's the deeper meaning of me playing defence?"

"It's symbolic of how we got together. Me chasing you, you skating just out of reach and protecting your net."

Throwing her head back she let out a hearty laugh, her breath visible against the cold night air. "There is one small difference Drake."

"What's that?"

"In our relationship, I actually let you score. No way is that happening tonight!"

Reaching out with her stick she pulled the puck away from him and sprinted the length of the ice to his net before unleashing a shot that hit the back of the twine.

"Take that – sucker!" she cried to him, her arms raised victoriously in the air.

Laughing at her boldness he skated towards her. Seeing him approach, Robin let out a small squeal and took off towards the other end of the ice. Patrick gave chase. They skated around the rink several times with Robin eluding him every time he made a move to catch her.

Finally, out of frustration, he cut through the middle and grabbed her around the middle. Slightly off balance, the two tumbled to the ice with Patrick breaking Robin's fall.

"My hero" she sighed exaggeratedly.

"I think I broke my ass" he joked.

"Better you than me" she replied.

They lay on top of each other, noses touching. The steam from their breath intermingled as they panted from the exertion. Circling his arms around her, he held her tightly to him. He loved the feel of her body against his – they just seemed to fit. He had never before felt as great a sense of belonging as he did with her. She didn't complete him or finish him in any way but her love allowed him to feel like a whole person; something that hadn't happened to him in a very, very long time.

"I think you should kiss me" he told her hoarsely as his hands slipped underneath her hockey sweater.

"Like this?" she whispered against his mouth.

She kissed him slowly, wantonly. Her tongue delved into his mouth and tangled with his, swallowing down his moan of pleasure. Feeling her hips move against his, he withdrew his hands from her sweater and cupped her behind, massaging her as he did so.

Lifting her head, her eyes glassy with desire, she smiled seductively at him. "You're vibrating Dr. Drake" she purred.

"Damn straight I am" he growled as he went in search of her mouth.

Robin pulled out of range. "No, I mean it. Your phone is vibrating."

Closing his eyes he groaned and fished his phone from his pocket. Seeing the hospital's number flash on the screen, he smiled apologetically and pulled them both to their feet as he flipped open his phone.

"Drake" he barked. He skated to the side board and leaned up against it.

While listening to the latest update on his patient he kept his eyes firmly on Robin. She skated across the middle of the rink, stopping only to twirl and spin. Her rich brown hair escaped from underneath her wool hat, flying as she turned round and round. Large fluffy snowflakes had begun to tumble from the sky and she stuck her tongue out in attempt to catch them.

Patrick's heart began to race as he watched her happily trace her blades against the ice. She seemed at peace, content even. She was so changed from the woman he had first met. It was as though she had stopped trying to outrun herself and was letting the world catch up to her. He wondered if he had anything to do with it.

Snapping his phone shut, he continued to watch her with unabashed adoration. Opening her eyes Robin spotted him staring at her and felt her cheeks flush.

"I know, I know. I'm a geek."

Shaking his head, he slowly skated towards her. "No – you're beautiful."

"Well I just doing something you taught me to do."

"What's that?" 

"Live in the moment."

Patrick's breath hitched and he reached out his hand to her. Feeling her fingers curl through his he pulled her to him and gazed at her wordlessly.

"I love you too, you know" she said, peering up at him. "Just in case I haven't told you lately."  
Tilting her chin towards him, he brushed his lips against hers. "I think we should pretend I won."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah" he nodded. "So I can take you home and get you out of that offensive sweater." 

Jumping into his arms, she wrapped her legs around his waist. "Take me home and do with me what you will!" 


	19. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

I've never seen this kind of love  
The kind that won't wash away and then leave you in the dark

Patrick stoked the fire, watching with satisfaction as the deep red flames grew. He smiled lazily as he felt Robin's arms close around him and her lips found the back of his neck. A small shiver worked its way down his spine as she pressed her body against him. Seated on the hearth, he turned slowly and pulled her to his lap.

"Nice fire," she remarked softly.

Unable to resist her inviting mouth, he nipped at her lips. "I have some skills." Sliding his hands underneath her sweater he slowly palmed her breasts, revelling in the feel of them in his hands.

"I'll say" she replied breathlessly as she pushed further into his hands. Threading her fingers through his hair, she captured his lips with her own; both of them moaning at the contact. She delved her tongue inside his mouth caressing the warm confines.

Withdrawing his hands he took hold of the hem of her hockey sweater and pulled it from her body. Balling it up, he looked at her mischievously.

"What do you think you're doing mister?" she challenged.

Holding it near the fire, he waggled his eyebrows playfully. "Just thinking of the appropriate way to dispose of this."

Her brown eyes first widened and then narrowed in mock anger. Launching herself forward she tackled him, pushing him to the ground. "Don't even think about it buster!"

Laughing, Patrick tossed the offensive sweater behind his head and returned his attention to his girlfriend. Reaching his hand behind her, he flicked open the clasp to her bra and gently pulled it from her. He rolled her to her back and kneeling up, stared at her in admiration for several beats before pulling his own sweater off.

Unable to help herself, Robin reached up and traced the outline of his chest, sending a shiver right through him.

"Do you like it when I touch you?" she asked throatily as her thumbs grazed across his nipples.

Unable to speak, he nodded his response. His eyes were heavy-lidded with desire and his tongue escaped from his mouth, licking his lips in a gesture of appreciation. Gently pushing his arousal against her, he dipped forward and placing his mouth on her left breast, sucked hungrily on the hardened peak. Arching from the ground she pushed against him, silently begging him for more as his tongue swirled around her nipple, flicking it teasingly.

As he moved to her other breast she seized the back of his head, pulling him closer. 

"God, Patrick" she whispered.

His hand moved down her torso skimming his fingers along her smooth skin, her muscles rippling under his touch. Making quick work of the button and zipper on her jeans he slipped his hand inside, cupping her sex. A groan escaped from the back of her throat as she raised her hips from the floor, grinding against his hand. Seeing her glassy-eyed and her mouth hanging open in abject pleasure, he pulled his hand away quietening her protests with a kiss.

Her jeans slid easily down her lean legs and he smiled lovingly at her. With the fire as the only light in the room, her skin was aglow and he could not remember a time when he had felt more attracted to another person. To have his carnal desires be linked so inextricably with his heart was a feeling unlike any other.

He pulled her black lace panties to the side and slipped a finger inside her, biting his lip at how tight and how wet she was. As he dipped down to suckle on her mound, he pumped his fingers slowly. He smiled against her sex as he heard her head thrash from side to side.

"Patrick" she gasped as his tongue circled her sensitive nerve endings.

"Does it feel good baby?" he asked, his voice vibrating against her skin. 

"S-so good" she panted. Her chest heaving as her climax built. "B-but I want to feel you"

His erection strained against his jeans and as he stretched out over her, he ground his hips against her wet centre.

"Like this?" His mouth hovered over hers.

Her tongue darted from her mouth as she licked his lips. "More" she demanded. "I want to feel you inside me Patrick" Her eyes fluttered closed as he continued to press his hips into her.

Reluctantly pulling away from her, he stood up and dropped his jeans to the floor. As she leaned back on her elbows she stared at him wantonly. Every line of his body was perfection – from the slope of his shoulders to the cut of his abs. She could not get enough of his body. Reaching her hand out, she grazed her fingertips across the sensitive tip of his arousal. 

"Fuck" he bit out, throwing his head back.

Robin spread her legs wider and smiled seductively at him. "Please Patrick" she said hoarsely, "I need you now." Curling her fingers between her legs, she stroked herself while holding his gaze. She felt a sense of power as she watched his hips jerk in response. 

Grabbing hold of his jeans, he fished out his wallet and retrieved the condom. With slightly shaking hands, the tore open the wrapper and covered his throbbing arousal before falling to his knees. Moving towards her, he stopped as Robin shook her head.

"My turn" she stated, gently pushing him back.

Patrick smiled as he lay against the floor watching her crawl towards him. Straddling his hips, she slowly, excruciatingly lowered herself onto his erection before pulling back. Sucking in a breath, he stared pleadingly at her.

First nibbling on his lips before moving to the soft skin of his throat, she whispered, "Patience baby, I'll get us there."

She lowered herself again and then pulled back. In utter frustration Patrick seized her hips, bringing her down hard against him. Robin's mouth formed a perfect O as he filled her completely. Her hips undulated against his as she began to ride him. 

He thrust hard against her, urgently urging her on. His hands flew to her breasts as he kneaded them, causing her to cry out with pleasure. They moved in unison, their bodies tangling together as they built to their climax.

Holding back until he felt Robin let go, Patrick pushed hard into her calling out her name as he did so before they both collapsed together in a sweaty heap. Feeling a chill, Patrick pulled the afghan from the arm of the couch and wrapped them in it letting the heat from the fire and the blanket warm them.

They had lain together silently - touching each other, gently kissing – for nearly an hour. Patrick had never been good with silence before he met Robin. It had always represented stagnation to him – that things were stalled – and he needed to fix it. But with Robin silence had become as fulfilling as conversation. She made him understand how it was possible to share everything with someone while saying little.

Feeling her eyes on him, he met her gaze and smiled lovingly. "Okay?" he asked as he stroked her hair.

Sweeping her hand over his chest, she nodded. "I was just thinking about you."

"Oh?" 

"It's only…there's just seven weeks left until your six month HIV test," she told him quietly.

He had been so wrapped up with his recent diagnosis that it had almost slipped his mind.

Almost.

Looking at her with concern he touched her cheek. "Robin, why…why are you thinking about that now?" 

Chewing on her bottom lip, she gave a small shrug. "I just – we've come a long way since that day in the OR." Her voice trailed off as she dropped her gaze. She fidgeted with the small tassels on the afghan.

"Robin" he called softly, "Hey." He cupped her chin and forced her to look at him. "You aren't still thinking about my stupid 'committed relationship by default' comment are you?"

"Not really," she demurred. "I know…I know you love me but in seven weeks-"

"In seven weeks we will find out if I have HIV or not. And in seven weeks I will still love you." Pulling them both to a sitting position, leaning against the hearth, he draped his arm around her. "Robin, this is going to sound really weird but there is a part of me that is grateful for what happened in the OR with April."

She looked at him with a mixture of surprise and worry.

"I…It forced me to stand still. I had been on the run from my feelings for you for a while" he admitted, his voice thick with emotion. "And confronted with something so big that I couldn't even get my head around it, I had to stand back and think about what mattered to me. And every time I did that, the first thing that came to mind was you."

He pushed all thoughts of the brain tumour from his mind. In this moment he refused to make it relevant. All that mattered was reassuring her that he loved her and that his feelings for her were not conditional on his HIV test. He could have kicked himself for ever letting her think for a moment that she was a stop-gap. She had never been that. She was the one person he wanted to spend time with more than any other. She had become so central to his life he had difficulty imagining his life before her.

Robin's eyes misted and she gave him a weak smile. "I didn't mean it to sound like I doubted that you love me…"

"I know" he told her. "But some times words get in your head and no matter how much you don't want to listen to them, they're there." 

"Yeah." Reaching for his sweater she pulled it over her head and stood up.

"Where are you going?"

"I'll be right back" she called over her shoulder as she padded to her bedroom.

Having retrieved what she needed, she returned to him and pulling the blanket back snuggled up next to him. "There's something I want to show you. I…I've been working on my speech for the Nurses' Ball and I'm trying to make it as honest as possible. I have this sort of memory box and I was going through it the other night and I came across two things I wanted to…"

His words about running from his feelings resonated loudly with her. She had done the very same thing for so long. She was still guarded with him even though he had given her no reason to be and she desperately wanted to be as open with him as she could. Nervous but determined she passed him the fudge mocha ice cream wrapper.

"What's this?" he asked as he curiously inspected the wrapper.

Her cheeks were tinged red and taking a deep breath she dove in. "It's…it's the wrapper from the fudge mocha bar you brought me during the virus outbreak."

His eyebrows shot up in surprise. "You…you kept this?"

She nodded.

"Why?" 

Burrowing closer to him she brought her hand to rest over his heart. "Because you and I didn't really know each other that well then – we really only ever spoke to fight or argue. Yet in the midst of all that you had noticed that it was my favourite ice cream bar and when…and when things are tough some times it's the little moments that can have the biggest impact. I…I kept it as a reminder."

"Of what?"

"A reminder that people are worth the risk and that it's okay to take a chance." 

"You're an amazing woman Dr. Scorpio" he said throatily as he dipped his head to kiss her. "You said you had two things?" he asked, still holding the wrapper.

She passed the folded piece of paper to him. "There's only a few of us who have ever seen this and it probably doesn't seem like that big a deal. But back when we were still treating April you asked me about Stone and I told you that he was off limits. I was actually kind of a bitch to you about it" she reminded him. "And you never brought it again and I think…this won't necessarily tell you very much but it's a piece of paper that is jam-packed with memories for me." 

Patrick looked from the paper to her. "Robin – you don't have to share any of this with me. I shouldn't have pushed you then and I don't want to intrude on your very personal moments like some big oaf-"

Threading her fingers through the wisps of hair at the back of his neck, she shook her head. "No. You aren't an oaf and they are personal moments but you are so important to me Patrick and I just – there isn't any reason why I can't share some of my life from before with you."

Carefully, Patrick unfolded the dog-eared paper and inhaled sharply as he saw the list. 

"Stone…Stone was dyslexic and his writing and spelling were atrocious but he worked really hard at it. I know…I know those scribbles don't look like much but they're poetry to me." 

Robin watched as he read it. He traced his finger down the list, stopping at 'watch a sunrise with Robin'. "Did he – did Stone get to do everything on his list?"

"Yeah" she replied hoarsely.

He gently folded the paper and handed it back to her along with the wrapper. "Thank you for trusting me with that – I know…I know it's not easy for you."

Rolling on top of him as she pulled the blanket close around, she sighed easily. "It actually wasn't that hard" she told him with a small smile. "Because I trust you with my heart." 


	20. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27**

We've been through some things together  
With trunks of memories still to come

"Cookie?" Darren waved a biscuit in front of Robin's face.

With her lips pressed together she shook her head. "Uh-uh." 

Furrowing his brow, her friend took a quick appraisal of her and sighed quietly. "Robin, it's going to be fine." 

Tightening the grip around her coffee mug she shot him a look of disbelief. "Says you" she countered, "who I don't believe is giving a speech today."

"No" he replied carefully, "but you're among friends here and everyone is going to be supportive."

Turning around, she leaned against the table and stared at the fast filling room. It was less than five days until the Nurses Ball and she was finally ready to take her speech for a test drive but as the moment drew closer her nerves started to get the better of her. Closing her eyes, she took several deep breaths but they did little to calm the pitching and rolling in her stomach.

"Robin" Darren called to her again, "it's going to be fine."

"What if they hate it?" she asked quietly, her eyes still firmly fixed on the chairs in front of her.

"They aren't going to hate it-"

She interrupted him. "Darren - they might. What if I get up there and deliver the speech to them and I sound like a fraud? What if in an effort to be authentic, I fall short of the mark?"

Groaning in frustration, he took hold of her elbow and led her to the far corner of the room. "Robin, do you have HIV?"

"D'uh" she replied with a roll of her eyes.

"Then no matter what you say it will be authentic. How can you possibly sound like a fraud when are speaking about what you live?"

Jamming her hands in her pockets and dropping her gaze, she blew out her cheeks. "I know" she acknowleged, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Then what's going on?" He nudged her shoulder with his own.

"I'm worried about Patrick."

"In what sense? I thought you said things were going well?"

"They are but..." She swallowed thickly as her voice trailed off. "I'm worried that my speech might be too real and might scare him - or anyone who knows me."

Darren just stared at her, silently encouraging her to continue. Through his own experience he had learned that support happened in formal and informal settings and some times the best intervention was none at all.

"He is less than two months from his final HIV test and I know, I _know_" she added emphatically, "that he is going to test negative. But I've worked really hard over the last few months to demonstrate - or at least try to demonstrate - that it's okay, that a full life is possible and what if my speech fills him with doubt? What if in an effort to be real, I make him - or anyone - feel like it's not possible to live a full life. And then what if he tests positive?" 

Reaching out he placed a comforting arm on her shoulder. "Robin" he said gently, "You are a living example - this room is a living example - that a full life is indeed possible. I may not know you as well as some of your friends and family but from what I have seen of you in this room, I know that you could never make anyone believe otherwise. Is it possible," he ventured carefully, "that while you are worried about Patrick's reaction, that is not the reaction you are worried about?" 

Folding her arms across her chest, she chewed thoughtfully on her bottom lip. As a researcher she had built her expertise on assuming that things were not as they seemed to be and that while the answers to any given problem may be obvious, the path to get there was not. Darren's question had the same effect on her and she realized in an instant that he was right. Her worries about Patrick's reaction were not in relation to whether he tested positive or not and how her speech could affect his mindset. It was an inherently more selfish worry. She was concerned - terrified really - that she would tell the truth about being HIV positive, as Patrick had encouraged her to do, and in that moment he would realize he wanted no part of that life.

That he would want no part of her.

'I love you' was a statement, not a guarantee. It was possible by lifting the veil that it would simply become too much for him. He would hardly be the first person who could not deal with her reality. Risk taking had ceased to be a part of her makeup around the time that she discovered she had been infected. In fact, Patrick was the first real risk she had taken in almost a decade.

"What if -" she started suddenly, "what if after hearing my speech it's too much for him?"

"I can't speak for Patrick" he started, "but I know that my girlfriend is far more aware of what being with an HIV positive person means than I give her credit for. Robin, she notices everything - what a change in meds does to me, how fitfully I sleep at the onset of any cold because I'm worried that it's not just a cold, how my stomach is always unsettled after the first dosage in the morning - she sees it all but we don't really talk about it." He gave a small shrug, "I don't honestly believe there is anything you have in that speech" he nodded to the rolled up pages peeking out from her purse, "that Patrick isn't already acutely aware of.

"Do you think I'm being ridiculous?" she asked quietly.

"Hardly" he reassured her. "God Robin, somedays just the knowing that I'm HIV positive is overwhelming. Having to factor in another person's feelings can knock me on my ass."

She smirked, understanding exactly how he felt. Reaching into her purse she pulled out the dog eared pages and twirled them over in her hands.

Darren noticed the room falling silent and the group leader looking over in their direction. "So what do you say Doc? You ready to take that baby for a spin?"

Inhaling sharply, she gave a slight nod of her head. "Here goes nothing" she said under her breath as she headed to the front of the room.

The older woman watched bemusedly as he slowly circled round and round, pausing every few moments and then with a small shake of his head moving on. He had been at it for nearly half an hour and she decided it was time to put him out of both of their miseries.

"Sir, may I be of some assistance?" she enquired kindly.

Startled by the sound of her lilting Irish accent, Patrick lifted his head and looked at her in surprise. "Oh, I...uh...well..." he stammered.

Coming from around the display case, she walked towards him. "Who are you looking to buy jewelry for?"

He smiled involuntarily. "My girlfriend" he replied softly. 

"And what kind of piece are you interested in?" 

With a faint blush in his cheeks, he shook his head. "I have no idea" he admitted. "I've...I've never bought jewelry for a woman who wasn't my mother."

The sales attendant bit back a smile. "I see. Is this to commemorate a special occasion? Are you looking for a ring? A bracelet?"

"I just...you know, there should be some kind of handbook for this type of thing. Wait -maybe there is a handbook and no one told me?" he rambled.

"I can assure you sir there is no handbook" she replied with a small laugh, "but perhaps I can guide you. Tell me about your girlfriend and if this is a momento for something special and I'll see if I can't direct you."

Patrick sighed in relief. Repairing damage to the human brain was not nearly as daunting as trying to navigate the milestones of a relationship; he was grateful for the assist.

"Her name is Robin and she...she is quite simply the most amazing person I have ever known. She is brave and strong - and smart, ridiculously smart. When she laughs, I automatically start laughing even if I don't know what she's laughing at. She's tiny but her heart is bigger than anyone else's. She would give someone the shirt off her back if she thought they needed it. And she's a fighter - a heavyweight champion" he carried on, oblivious to the look of amusement on the woman's face. "If she's in your corner, she's there for good. And I love her" he stated simply. "I love her more than anything."

"She sounds like an amazing young woman."

"Amazing doesn't even being to cover it" he said, almost unintentionally. 

It had been a full week since he had started the steroid treatment for his meningioma and he was feeling better than he had in weeks. There were no more tremors, no more headaches and most importantly not a single sign of a seizure. Having ignored his instincts and convinced himself the steroids were working, he was focusing all his attention on the Nurses Ball and Robin. It was going to be a watershed moment for her and he wanted her to feel as loved and supported as she had made him feel.

"Are you interested in a ring?"

On instinct, he shook his head. "Uh, no. We're not there yet."

"Okay. Why don't you follow me over here?" she asked, leading him to another display case. "I think there are some pieces that may fit your requirements."

"Money isn't an object" he blurted out. "I...I want it to be nice."

With a small smile playing at her lips, the sales clerk opened up the case and withdrew a tray of necklaces. "I bought these pieces on my last trip home to Ireland" she told him, laying the tray before him. "The necklaces and pendants are all made of platinum." Picking up one, she displayed it to him. "This is an example of celtic knotwork and is the symbol for eternity. You'll notice the way the knots are completely entangled making it impossible to see where it begins and ends."

Patrick nodded. He appreciated the symbolism but it didn't speak to him the way he was hoping it would. He truly believed that he and Robin were a partnership without equal but one of aspects of their relationship that he appreciated most was their ability to retain their own identities. It was important to him that while they complimented each other, they also remained true to the people they were before they were together. The Robin he fell in love with was fiery and independant - not for a moment would he want her to change that simply because she was with him.

"I have others" she told him as she laid the necklace back down, sensing his hesitation. "There is this one - it is the celtic symbol for wisdom."

Relieving her of the necklace, he examined it carefully. Robin was wise, of that there was no doubt; it was a wisdom born of experience, loss and tragedy. It had been her wisdom that had seen him through some of his darkest moments, that had helped him to find the perspective that he needed when his father was fighting for his life or when he had been exposed to HIV. But it was just a small part of who she was, it certainly didn't seem to encompass who she was - or who she was to him.

He shook his head. "It's beautiful but-"

"But not quite what you need," she finished for him. "How about this one?" she asked picking up a third piece.

Tilting his head to the side, he studied it. "That looks really familiar - what is it?" 

"It's the claddagh. It's most often used in rings - in Ireland it is often the wedding ring - but the symbol can also be found in bracelets and necklaces."

"What does it mean?" he asked, his eyes glued to the necklace.

Something about it just seemed to shine brighter than the others. He wanted this to be the first of many pieces that he would give her. The first of many times they commemorated great moments in each other's lives, happy moments and just because moments.

"The heart is for love, the hands holding the heart are for friendship and the crown here" she pointed to the crown nestled on the top of the heart, "is for loyalty."

His mouth curved upwards in a smile. It was Robin. It was who Robin was to him and who he hoped to be to her.

"I'll take it." 


	21. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28**

I close my eyes and I think of all the things I want to see  
I know now that because I've opened up my heart, anything I want can be

Patrick stared at his computer, shaking his head. It shouldn't have surprised him, his friend was nothing if not predictible. He scanned the email from Eric a second time.

_Pantsy -_

Just a gentle reminder that we have an appointment on Tuesday in my office. Come up Monday night and we'll grab dinner at Ruby Foo's, I'm craving coconut sticky rice. Glad to hear the steroids are working but you and I both know it's only treating a symptom - we need to treat the problem and we will, I promise.

And now a not so gentle reminder that you promised you would tell Robin after the Nurses Ball - which is tonight if I recall. Wish Robin luck, enjoy the night and then tomorrow, make sure you do what you promised me you would or I will kick your ass from here to Vermont.

See you Monday.

Big E. 

Checking the time on his watch he jumped to his feet, slamming shut his laptop. He still needed to shower and dress before heading over to Robin's. He pulled his tuxedo from his closet, tossing it on the bed. The red and gold ribbon surrounding the box placed on the corner of his desk caught his eye as he rushed towards the bathroom. He paused for a moment and lifting the box trailed his finger along it. The necklace was a sign of a future for him - a future he wanted to share with Robin. Returning the box to the desk, he raced to the shower. 

"Stop looking at me like that, taunting me," Robin said as she brushed her hair. The pages of her speech lay spread across her bed as she continued to run through it while getting ready. "We're going to be fine." She groaned. "I'm talking to paper - I am talking to paper. Someone needs to lock me up."

Standing still, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath in an effort to quiet her mind. Her dry run of her speech at the support group had been met with an almost overwhelmingly passionate response. So many of the group members thanked her for voicing what they had yet to do in their own lives. Their support and approval had done much to bolster her confidence and as the event had approached she was more sure of what she was doing than she had been of any other speech she had given. But now, mere hours from the ball, the butterflies in her stomach were flying in formation.

"I can do this" she said, eyes still clenched shut.

"Haven't you heard Dr. Scorpio? You can do anything."

The rich timbre of Patrick's voice instantly twitched her mouth into a smile and she exhaled quietly before turning around. Her breath hitched as she saw him leaning against the door frame, his tuxedo jacket laying perfectly against his broad shoulders. His black silk tie only emphasized the athletic leaness of his frame and her tongue darted from her mouth in an appreciative lick of her lips.

"H-hi" she stammered, still appreciatively appraising him.

"Are you hungry?" he asked, his dark eyes twinkling mischeviously. 

"Why?"

"Because you look like you're about to eat me," he replied with a grin.

Walking to him, she stood on her tiptoes and pulled at her lips with his own. "Play your cards right and I just might."

"Later tiger - you still aren't dressed and we need to leave in half an hour."

Her eyes widened in shock. "Crap! Okay - you, out! Go sit out there and stop distracting me with your hotness. I'll be out in a minute."

"Distracting you with my hotness?" he drawled.

"Just go" she groaned, pushing him out the door and kicking her bedroom door shut behind her.

Laughing, Patrick headed for the kitchen. Opening the fridge, he retreived a bottle of water and walked to the couch. Shimmying out of the wool tuxedo jacket, he laid it carefully on the arm of the chair before sitting down. Holding his hand out in front of him, he looked for any signs of his tell tale tremors and finding none, allowed himself a small smile. Intellectually he knew Eric was right, that he would have to pursue other treatment at some point. But for the moment he felt fine - he felt like himself and he didn't want to spend another minute worrying about what may happen. 

Reaching for his jacket, he pulled the neatly wrapped box from the and set it on the coffee table. Tonight was about Robin. Tonight was for Robin. It was just less than a year since she had barged into his life, yet he felt closer to her than he had to almost anyone else in his life. Even his early attempts to keep her at a distance were half-hearted. Some could say it was timing, that at 30 years of age it was simply time for him to have a relationship but he knew differently. He knew that it was her brown eyes - thoughtful and honest; it was her smile - genuine and warm; it was her heart - compassionate and giving; it was her spirit - indominitable and strong; and it was her body - inviting and exciting. It was all of her. She was a force that he was unable and unwilling to resist. 

"How do I look?"

Looking up from the couch, his breath hitched and his heart hammered loudly. "W-w-wow" he stammered, rising unsteadily to his feet.

"So I look okay?" she asked teasingly.

Patrick shook his head as she twirled slowly before him. The dark raspberry coloured strapless dress stopped just above her knee. It skimmed her curves and as he reached out his hand, tracing her tiny waist, he thought he had never seen a more beautiful sight in all of his life.

"Okay doesn't quite cover it" he replied rather breathlessly. "That dress - you in that dress - should be illegal." Cupping her face, he kissed her gently taking care not to smudge her makeup. "Do you feel ready?"

She nodded as she smoothed her hair. His reaction had been better than she had hoped for. When shopping for the dress she had wanted to find a show stopper - for Patrick. It mattered little to her what others thought but she wanted to show him how he made her feel - how his love made her feel desirable and sexy and womanly in ways that she had not before.

"It's possible we may be the best looking couple there" she said with a giggle.

He shook his head. "Who in the hell is going to notice me?" he asked. "You are going to blind the room. I may have to bring my hockey stick to beat off the men."

"No worries, baby. You're the only man I want."

Tipping her chin upwards, he brushed his lips against hers. "Say that again" he demanded with a whisper.

Curling her fingers through his belt loops, she pulled him closer to her and smiled. "You are the only man I want.'

"I have something for you" he said, stepping away from her before he gave into his urge to scoop her up and carry her back to her bedroom. He handed her the box. 

"What is this?" she asked looking from the box to him.

"It's called a gift" he snarked teasingly. "And generally you are expected to open it to find out what's in it."

She playfully swatted his chest. "You didn't have to do this."

"I know - I wanted to." 

She pulled gently at the bow and slid the paper from the box. Prying open the black leather case, she stared in disbelief at the necklace nestled against the velvet. Patrick shifted nervouly from one foot to the other. It hadn't occurred to him until that very moment that she might not like it - that he might not know her taste. A lump was forming in his throat.

"P-Patrick -it's...oh...it's gorgeous," she whispered.

"Do you really like it?" he queried quietly.

She looked up at him, her eyes brimming with tears. "I have wanted a claddagh for so long. Brenda and I went to Dublin on a holiday and when she saw how much I loved the symbol she told me I should buy something. But I told her that I didn't want to buy it for me - I wanted someone to give it to me. How - how did you know?"

He licked his lips. "I didn't. But I saw it and immediately thought of you. I wanted you to have it tonight because I want you to know how proud I am of you - how much I love you and how much I admire you." 

Her hand shook slighty as she extended the box to him. "Will you put it on me?"

Swallowing thickly, he nodded. Pulling the chain from the box, he draped it around her neck and fastened the clasp. She turned around and smiled.

"How does it look?"

"Like you were meant to wear it" he confirmed.

She took hold of his tie and pulled him to her, kissing him hotly - makeup be damned. She loved him like no other. He was her first adult love and with any luck would be her last as it was hard to imagine that anyone would ever make her feel like he did. 

"I love you" she said against his mouth.

With a wink, he reached for his jacket and held out his hand to her. 

"Let's go dazzle them with your beauty and your brains." 


	22. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29**

I've cried me a river, I've cried me a lake, I cried till the past nearly drowned me  
Tears for sad consequences, tears for mistakes  
These are tears from a long time ago. 

The ballroom at the MetroCourt hotel was buzzing with the glitterati of Port Charles society. The organizing committee had out done themselves with the decorations for the ball. The room looked like a winter wonderland with large topiary trees covered in tiny white lights, illuminating the space around them with a soft glow. Each chair was draped in voluminous organza covers and the crisp white tablecoths hung to the floor. A small vase of bright red gerber daisies served as the centrepiece and red ribbons were on every place setting. There were photos from previous years resting on easels scattered around the room, reminding all the guests of the number of times they had already gathered to fight against the disease and to celebrate those who were living with it. The harmonious sounds of the string quartet floated through the room, inviting all to come in and explore.

Unlike previous years there would be no local talent show this night. Instead the committee had chosen community acts from various countries to drive home the message that HIV/AIDS was a global pandemic with local impact. There was a children's choir, comprised of AIDS orphans from Soweto, South Africa; the Port Charles Ballet Theatre company had developed a piece entitled "Hope"; a group of HIV positive women from India had formed a theatre company and would present a short one act play of what their lives were like. The organizers hoped the entertainment would inspire, educate and be a call to action.

Stepping inside the room with her hand firmly inside Patrick's, Robin stopped and looked around with wide-eyed appreciation. What had started as a simple way for the community to raise money and awareness had grown into a full blown gala event drawing benefactors and supporters from near and far. 

"Okay?" Patrick asked, watching her carefully. 

She nodded. "You know, despite Ms. Sneed's arrogance and ignorance, she's done a beautiful job here."

Not prepared to forgive her transgressions with April Gilbert, Patrick did little more than shrug.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a flash of navy velvet. Squeezing Patrick's hand, she looked up at him with a nervous smile. "Will you come with me over here? There is something I want to show you."

"I'd follow you anywhere," he replied throatily as she led him to one of the easels.

They stopped in front and for several beats, Patrick said nothing. He was moved by the phoenix rising above the bridge and he looked from it to Robin and smiled. "It's beautiful" he told her.

"My - my uncle Mac had it made for Stone. This is a replica that I donated to the Stone Cates wing that Sonny built. The real one is still part of the Names project."

"How do you feel seeing it again?" he asked tentatively.

Robin wrapped her arms around herself and stared at the square. It represented so many memories - some painful, some happy - but it also represented the past and for the first time she was willing to admit, out loud, that Stone was her past.

"I feel like it was a long time ago" she replied quietly. "I was a girl then - no matter how mature I tried to convince myself I was" she smirked, "I was really just a girl."

Standing behind her, he dropped a kiss on her shoulder. "I would have liked to have met that girl" he said softly.

Tipping her head up, she looked at him curiously. "How come?"

"Because I really, really like the woman she became."

Stunned at his admission, she turned into him and snaked her arms around his waist. He closed his arms around her and held her tightly; he could feel the nervous energy coursing through her.

"Robin." 

At the sound of Sonny's voice, she lifted her head and smiled at her old friend. Dressed in a tuxedo with a red ribbon prominently displayed on his lapel, she was both surprised and pleased to see Stone's ring on his finger. Pulling away from Patrick's embrace, she threw her arms around him.

"You look very handsome." 

"And you look devastatingly beautiful. You're a lucky man Doctor Drake" Sonny looked over at the young neurosurgeon. 

"Very lucky," Patrick agreed.

Sonny held Robin's hand in his own as he looked at the framed quilt square. He opened his mouth to speak but was too overcome to say anything. Robin squeezed his hand.

"I know" she told him softly. "It's hard to believe it's been so long."

"And look at how far you've come." His tone was a mixture of wonder and affection.

Further conversation was halted with the arrival of Ms. Sneed. "Doctor Drake, Mister Corinthos" she greeted nervously. "Doctor Scorpio, are you ready?" 

Inhaling sharply, Robin looked from Sonny to Patrick. "As...as ready as I'm ever going to be."

Leaning in, Sonny bussed her cheek. "You will be brilliant because you are. Good luck."

Patrick cupped her face, tenderly and softly kissing her lips. "I'll be right there with you the whole way" he whispered.

"I love you" she replied before heading towards the stage.

As Robin stood in front of the podium, she took several small, steadying breaths. 

A quick scan of the room left her feeling enveloped in love and support. Sonny was leaning forward in his chair, the picture of nervous intensity. He had never really cared what people thought about him but in this room it mattered to him - it mattered that people understood despite his lifestyle choices, he had lost someone too. Glancing over to the side she gave a small smile to her colleagues who worked side by side with her every day and never once flinched away or hesitated. They made her feel as normal as anyone could. At another table she could see her friends from her support group - a show of force that nearly took her breath away. The centre table was host to the senior staff of the hospital and many of the benefactors. Noah winked at her and her smile broadened. Her boyfriend's father had accepted her without question and while for many that may seem like a no-brainer, it was often the exception, not the rule when you were HIV positive.

Her heart fluttered even before she found him, almost as if it had recognized him before she had. Patrick was at table near the front with his surgical team including Elizabethe and Emily. Leaning back in his chair, the picture of casual cool, he gave her a small nod and a warm smile. 

Reaching for the glass of water on the corner of the podium, she took a small sip before beginning.

"It has been more than 25 years since the first case of AIDS was documented in North America. In the intervening years we, as a society, have covered the spectrum in our reaction and understanding of the disease. We believed at first that HIV was a virus that could only be contracted by homosexuals, or that it was a punishment from God for lacivious behaviour. People were afraid to kiss, hug or even shake hands with someone who had AIDS. As we knew more, our reactions changed - tolerance and compassion crept in and steadily replaced hate and fear. And now we have arrived at a place where, for the most part, HIV and AIDS are just another disease in a long list of those plaguing mankind.

It has become common place to boil the disease down to a citation of statistics. I could tell you that in more than 25 years there have almost 60 million people infected with HIV around the world. I could tell you that HIV has become very much a woman's disease - in many countries women are six times more likely to be infected than men. I could tell you that there are more than 6,000 people who contract HIV every day. Every day. I could tell you about the destruction of families wrought by AIDS and how more than 13 million children around the world have been orphaned because of it.

Or, I could simply tell you my story. Many of you in this room, " she smiled at the many friends gathered, "already know the basics. I contracted HIV when I was 17 years old. My boyfriend and I felt we were making an informed decision at that time when we chose to forego using a condom. We were wrong. And it is a decision I will spend the rest of my life paying for."

Her hand trembled slightly as she reached for the water glass. The truth - the whole truth - had a habit of being liberating and scary all at the same time.

"When I was diagnosed, there was no cocktail, there was no range of drugs and HIV was very much a death sentence. I had planned to attend university - I had wanted to be a doctor - but instead I was preparing to die. I had just done the hardest thing I have ever had to do - I watched as someone I loved died, my boyfriend, Stone Cates, and I was singularly obsessed with how I would spend what little time I had left. I worried about whether or not I would die with dignity - I was concerned that when the end came I would be in so much pain that there would be no grace. 

I was lucky in that I had an amazing support system in place - family and friends who offered their love to me both loudly and silently. When you're facing your own mortality, you need a balance of the two," she added with a tiny smile. "And then things started to change - first it was AZT - a drug that remains a lifeline to so many - and then came the cocktail. Instead of worrying about cancers eating away at me, I began to hope. My t-cells climbed and my CD4 count dropped and I began to really believe that I could have a future - one that Stone and so many others were denied.

I embraced the future wholeheartedly. I fell in love again, I laughed, I went to school, I danced on a terrace under moonlight, I had my heartbroken and I became a doctor. I felt -" she paused, giving a small nod of her head, "I felt normal. But I also discovered that normal is relative when you are HIV positive.

Dating is a minefield requiring expert navigation under the best of circumstances," she said with a small laugh. A ripple of laughter echoed through the room. "HIV is not the best of circumstances. I experienced rejection by men who were too afraid to be intimate with me, regardless of the protection used. I cannot fault them - you can't dictate to someone else what their fear should be. I also had the bizarre experience of men who sought me out once they were aware of my medical status because they wanted the adrenaline rush that I seemed to represent. I was able to rationalize all of it because at the end of the day I was healthy and strong and working in a job I had dreamed of from a very young age.

One of the downsides of HIV is it sometimes forces you to be secretive. You don't want to unnecessarily worry your friends just because you have the sniffles and in the back of your mind you're worried that it's not the sniffles - that it's something else - something serious. It's a reflex to want to make sure the people that matter to you are at ease with your disease. So when your protocol fails, you tend not to tell anyone.

My protocol failed in 2002."

She glanced over to Patrick who stared at her, mouth agape. She heard the quiet gasps in various corners of the room. Her doctor had been the only other person in her life who had known that and now an entire room knew.

"My t-cells had started to plummet and I had a cough that I could not shake. My doctor at the time was much calmer than I was - he told me not to worry, that another combination of drugs - one that would put this virus back to sleep - was out there. I did not share his confidence" she said hoarsely, "because while there are few certainties in this disease, a failing immune system is one.

It took two tries - and nearly a month before he had found the right combination. Meantime my body fought the new drugs with everything they had. The first two weeks of the new protocol were particularly brutal - so much so that I took personal leave from work. I left a pillow and blanket in my bathroom as I seemed to spend as much time there as anywhere else in my apartment. Once the extreme nausea and paralyzing headaches stopped, I got the second gift of the new protocol - large purple spots all over my body. I was the only woman in the middle of a Parisian heatwave wearing a turtleneck. The fashionistas were outraged" she joked lightly.

"So much has changed since I was 17. I think of the future now in terms of years rather than months, I know that I can be a full contributing member of society - whether it's as a doctor, a mother, a wife or a friend - I can do anything.

But there is much that hasn't changed in that time. I still have dreams of death and waking worries about mortality. Much as when I was a teenager, I am not afraid of death - I believe it to be another step on a very long journey - but I am afraid of dying. I am afraid of dying alone, I am afraid of dying in pain and I am afraid I will not be strong enough to face what is my inevitable future.

Being HIV positive is not as simple as popping a couple of pills and then getting on with your day; it's constant vigilence against infection, cuts and blood exposure. It's taking the time to reassure people - some who should just know better- that they really can't contract the disease from the water fountain. Some days being HIV positive is about being angry - about admitting that this just isn't fair and that I'd give almost anything not to be positive. But it's also about being open enough to fall in love again" she said directly to Patrick, "and not spending all your time worrying about possibly infecting your partner."

She exhaled slowly and took another sip of water, letting it cool the fire that had been building in her throat.

"I have hope" she asserted as she smiled broadly. "I have hope that there is a cure coming. I have hope that a vaccine will be discovered and that the number of newly infected people will start to truly diminsh. Nights like tonight strengthen me - there is education and advocacy in this room along with love and compassion. And so in the moments when I have doubt, I think back on nights like tonight and I feel better. So, thank you for being here. Thank you for opening both your hearts and your wallets as both are needed if we are going to continue to make progress in this war. And I could not find a greater group of people to stand shoulder to shoulder with on the front lines.

Thank you."

Having run the gauntlet of well wishers Robin finally made her way back to the table and promptly flopped on to Patrick's lap. She buried her face in his shoulder as several stray tears escaped from her eyes and trickled down her cheek.

"That was hard" she admitted shyly against his jacket.

He protectively closed his arms around her and pressed his lips her cheek, near her ear. "I am so proud of you and I love you."

Robin's sigh reverberated through his body as he lightly trailed a hand down her back. Lifting her head, Robin gave him a watery smile. "Tell me again."

"I love you" he repeated, nipping at her lips between each word. 

Hearing the introduction for the children's choir, Robin slipped from his lap into her own chair and turned her attention to the stage but kept hold of his hand. Patrick brought her hand to his lips and kissed it softly. As he reached for his wine glass he froze in place, noticing the tremor. Closing his eyes, he swore silently under his breath.

This was not possible.

This could not be happening again.

The steroids were working, the fluid in his brain had been receding; this was nothing more than his nervousness for Robin making itself known. He closed his hand around the stem of the glass and brought it to his lips.

Taking a sip, he felt the telltale alkaline taste in his mouth and the slow pounding in his head.

He needed to get out of there.


	23. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30**

And in the darkness, all that I can see  
The frightened and the weak  
Are forced to cling to mistakes

His tongue started to grow fat inside his mouth as the pounding in his head became more persistent. Tiny droplets of sweat formed against his forehead and he knew, not matter how much he wished to deny it, he was minutes away from a seizure.

He could not have a seizure.

Not here.

Not here in a room full of people that he worked with. Not here, in front of his girlfriend who had no idea he was already sick.

He could not have a seizure. 

Smiling gamely, he brushed his lips against Robin's cheek. "I have to make a pit stop" he told her, hoping she would not pick up on the rising panic in his voice. "I'll be back in a few."

"Okay" she smiled, giving his hand a small squeeze before returning her attention to the performance on the stage.

Pushing back his chair and scrambling to his feet, he pulled at his tie in a futile attempt to get more air into his fast constricting lungs. He was so focused on getting out of the room before the inevitable happened that he did not hear his father calling to him until he pulled him to a stop.

"Patrick? Are you okay?" Noah asked, concern etched into his face.

"I'm fine" he snapped, eyeing the door nervously. The tremor in his hand increased and he jammed it in his pocket, hiding it as best he could. 

Mistaking his son's irritability and run for the door, he ploughed on. "Look, sport, I can only imagine how hard it was for you to hear Robin's speech. That must have really driven home some realities for you but don't let that scare you off – I know what it's like to love a woman with a time bomb inside of her. It doesn't matter Patrick – how sick they can get, how short their time may be – it doesn't matter. It's worth everything to love them."

Time.

He was running out of it.

The tell tale black spots had started to appear in front of his eyes and the seizure was minutes away. He needed to get out of there. 

"Dad-"

"Patrick, I know you love her and I know that frightens you as much as anything-"

Desperate to get out of the ballroom, Patrick shook free of his father's grip. "Jesus Dad! I don't have time for one of your AA-inspired lectures right now – okay?"

The black spots were forming a curtain in front of his eyes, making it nearly impossible to see. Otherwise he would not have missed the look of hurt on his father's face. Turning on his heel, he practically sprinted to the doors, throwing them open.

Once in the bright lights of the lobby, he shielded his eyes and headed for the men's bathroom. He slipped inside a stall and fumbled with the lock on the door, hoping to keep it shut.

He was too late.

His knees trembled and gave way just before everything went black and he fell to the ground, outside of the stall, in a heap before his body became rigid and spasmodic from the electrical currents running through his body. 

His head swirled and he was vaguely aware of someone pressing a cold cloth to his face. He opened his mouth to speak but found he had no voice, not uncommon for him post-seizure. 

"You're okay Patty, you're going to be okay," Noah said soothingly as he dabbed the wet cloth across his lips

Surprised by his son's curt reply in the ballroom he had followed him into the bathroom hoping to get to the root of his anger. He had believed that Patrick was angry about Robin's speech – not the content but the reality. His son had always believed that he could beat anything or anyone and had no doubt felt the same way about Robin's HIV – that it was something he could somehow conquer. Noah had feared that the speech had only served to remind him that some things were unconquerable and that had was what had infuriated him so.

As he had pushed open the door to the men's bathroom, he watched in horror as his son writhed on the tile floor in a grand mal seizure. 

Once the seizure had dissipated he had moved him to the far corner, laying him gently on the floor and returned with a cold, damp cloth. He swallowed down his own fear as he cradled his son, waiting for him to come around.

"Dad" he croaked.

"It's okay Patty – you don't have to speak."

He gave a small shake of his head trying to rid the cobwebs that had built up. "I….need….I need you to call Eric."

A bitter lump formed in Noah's throat. It had never occurred to him that Eric's visit was anything more than one friend dropping in on another. Not in his wildest dreams could he have imagined that his son required the attention of a neurosurgeon.

"How…how bad is it?"

Patrick's tongue darted from his mouth, moistening his lips. "Bad," he admitted.

Noah sat back on his heels and sighed quietly. He had always known there would be a punishment for his actions – for walking out on his family, for not being the father his son needed him to be – he just didn't understand that the punishment would be so severe.

He also realized that part of his son's panic to get out of the ballroom was because his condition, whatever it was, was still a secret.

"Robin doesn't know, does she?"

Feeling the strength slowly returning to his body, he pulled himself to a sitting position and leaned back against the cold bathroom wall.

"No" he replied hoarsely. "And you can't tell her."

"Not my story to tell" Noah told him softly. "And now is not the time for me to remind all the reasons you why you need to tell her but I will at some point." Removing the cloth from Patrick's forehead, he flipped it over and pressed the still damp side to his skin. "What….what is your diagnosis?" he asked nervously.

He didn't really want to know. Like his son, he would prefer to pretend that whatever it was, wasn't happening but he was still working every one of the 12 steps and that required him to be honest and not live in denial.

Patrick swallowed thickly as he tried to calm his ragged breathing. "I…I…" he stammered.

He did not want to be the one to tell his father. He didn't – he couldn't – tell him that he had the exact same condition that took his mother's life. Though he had done a poor job of telling him, he was proud of his father's sobriety and how hard he worked to maintain it. The knowledge of his diagnosis would send him reeling and Patrick was not ready to see his father turn back to the bottle – to lose his father again so soon after getting him back.

"Eric has my latest scans – I'd rather wait until he gets here and we can go over everything together."

Noah decided not to push any further, knowing it would only make Patrick defensive. He also knew in that moment that his son was potentially very ill.

"Okay. I'll call him tonight and ask him to meet us tomorrow."

With Noah's assistance, Patrick rose unsteadily to his feet. "I…I have to get back to Robin."

"You should go home to bed," he admonished gently.

Patrick shook his head. "This night is too important to her – I need to – I have to give her this." He brushed off the shoulders of his jacket. "How bad do I look?" 

"You're a little pale and clammy but a little food in your stomach and some gingerale will help with that."

"So you don't think she'll know there is something wrong?" 

"Patrick, you are lying to you the woman you love about a very serious situation." _And me_, he thought to himself. "A relationship cannot survive if it is infected by lies."

"I'm protecting her" he bit out. "And I will tell her – when I'm ready. Do NOT push me on this." 

Physically taking a step back, he exhaled slowly. "I won't push. I…I love you Patty."

"I know" he blew out his cheeks and straightened his tie. "I love you too Pops. I have…I have to get back in there."

"Okay" he smiled gamely. 

He watched as Patrick walked to the sink and gave his face one more washing before heading to the door.

With his hand wrapped around the handle, he turned and looked over his shoulder. "Thanks Dad."

Noah gave him a small wave. As soon as the door shut behind him, he sank down to the floor and buried his head in his hands.

Yet one more person that he loved was in a fight for their life. He would not make the same mistakes twice. 


	24. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31**

My dark angel, I offer you my heart  
My dark angel, I've loved you from the start

Patrick stood before the ballroom doors and took several deep, slow breaths; his hand still trembled slightly as he reached for the handle. Closing his eyes, he tried to mentally will himself past the inevitable fatigue and weariness that normally followed a seizure. This night meant so much to her and he did not want to ruin it. He was in awe of the honesty and bravery that took her to that podium but at the same time knew that was exactly who Robin was.

Brave, honest and strong.

He was none of those things. He was a coward and he knew it.

He was currently wedged into that special space between a rock and a hard place. If he told her the truth about what he was facing, it could devastate her. If he told her the truth about what he was facing, she could leave. And that was what frightened him the most. He was trying to be honourable and tell himself his choice to keep it all quiet was to protect her, but in fact it was to protect himself. For the first time he had allowed himself to rely on another person and now that he had done that, he was clueless as to how he would he cope if she suddenly was not there.

Who would blame her for leaving?

By her own admission, in a roomful of friends and colleagues, she reminded everyone that she had already done the hardest thing she had ever been asked to do - she buried the boy she loved. While there were many who would tell him, Eric included, that there were enough advances in treatment that he was very likely to survive, he trusted what he had seen with his own eyes - his mother going into an operating room and never coming out.

What would ever possess her to stay with him if she knew the truth?

In the end what he really wanted was to bank memories with her that he could draw upon when the end came. He just didn't know if he meant the end of his life or of their relationship. And he didn't know which was worse.

Steadying his hand, he curled it around the handle and pulled the door open. Stopping at the bar, he ordered a gingerale and sucked it back. His father was right, it settled his stomach almost immediately. Taking another deep breath, he headed back to his table. 

As he approached the table he saw Robin deep in conversation with another man and immediately felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. There was an intimacy, a closeness between them, and it made him uncomfortable. Like so many other things, his protestation that he didn't do jealous was simply a fantasy. 

Slipping back into his chair, he territorially draped his arm around Robin's shoulder and smiled casually at the young man talking to her.

Feeling Patrick's arm on her shoulder, she turned and smiled at him. "I'm so glad you're back" she told him. "This is Darren, from my support group."

Relief washed over him and removing his arm, he extended his hand to him. "Nice to meet you Darren"

"You too Patrick. I've heard lots about you."

"Likewise."

"That was quite a speech Robin gave" he said with admiration in his voice. "You must be very proud of her."

His fingers curled through Robin's hair. "You have no idea," his voice hitching as he spoke. "She did a beautiful job."

Robin blushed and looked between the two men, shaking her head. "Do you think we can stop talking about me now?" she asked teasingly.

"Of course" Darren said as he stood up. "I should get back to Melinda. Congrats again on such an amazing job – but don't think being a star is a free pass to hog the chocolate chip cookies" he grinned. "Nice to have met you Patrick" he nodded.

"Have a good night."

Robin rested her head on his shoulder and exhaled slowly. Though her speech was over and the night was a roaring success, she could not shake the rumbly feeling in her stomach. When she had been with Jason her spidey sense had become finely attuned, letting her know when something bad was on its way. For some reason those same feelings were in full force tonight as well.

"You okay baby?" Patrick asked as he leaned his head on top of hers.

She nodded lightly. "Yeah. I guess….I'm suddenly really tired."

The evening's entertainment had concluded and now the patrons were either on the dance floor or networking. Patrick looked across the room and allowed himself a small smile as he saw his father being pushed around the floor by Epiphany. In or out of the hospital, the head nurse was a force to be reckoned with.

"What do you want to do?" he asked her quietly.

Lifting her head from his shoulder, she gave him a shy look. "Would you be…would be you terribly disappointed if we went home? I just want to get in my jammies and cuddle with you. Not very glamorous, I know-"

Dragging his thumb along her bottom lip, he gave a small shake of his head. "You are all the glamour I need Robin. And if you want to go home, let's go."

He did his best to hide his relief. Despite his stomach settling, his muscles still felt like jelly and he wasn't sure how much longer he could reasonably tough it out.

"Are you sure?" she questioned.

"Very" he reassured her. Rising to his feet he held out his hand and closed it gently around hers.

It was a process to leave. As they made their way to the door, people came out of the woodwork wanting to have a word with Robin. They wanted to thank her, applaud her, commend her – it was a groundswell of support unlike any she had experienced in a long time and she had felt buoyed by it.

She had laid herself as naked as she had ever done in her speech and her worries about it being too honest or too real were put to rest. Most of them anyways. 

She glanced up at Patrick and she couldn't help shake the feeling that something was wrong – or at least off – with him. He hadn't seemed quite himself since she came back to the table after her speech. He had disappeared for almost 45 minutes and coming back he had looked shaken and tired.

It could be a patient, it could reasonably be a case at work but somehow she could not shake the feeling that the subtle change in him was because of her. 

Having scrubbed her face clean and pulled her hair into a ponytail, Robin emerged from the bathroom in her tanktop and yoga pants and looked over at the bed. Patrick, shirtless with the sheets draped carelessly around his waist, was deep in concentration texting on his phone.

Robin crawled towards him on the bed. "Texting your other girlfriend to tell her you're busy tonight?" 

Smirking, he shook his head. Finishing his text he hit the send button and flipped his phone closed.

"Not quite. Eric said he's coming tomorrow as there is a case he wants me to look at it."

He hated himself for the lies and half-truths that seemed to flow so easily from his mouth. He had always prided himself on his honesty – he was always upfront with people even when it was uncomfortable or difficult. And now, when it mattered most, he found a lie to be easier than the truth.

Rationally he knew he should tell her everything. Emotionally he could not form the words. 

"I like Eric" she told him, pulling back the covers and snuggling up to him. She laid her arm around his waist and brought her head to rest on his chest.

"He likes you as well." Reaching to the nightstand, he turned off the lights and then tipped Robin's head up, kissing her softly. "But I like you more" he whispered.

Robin burrowed closer to him still and exhaled slowly. Patrick's chest rose and fell in a slow, steady rhythm while her own heart seemed to beat in double time. She was exhausted but could not close her eyes. Her mind was racing with scenarios and possibilities and none of them were good.

"It was too much, wasn't it?" Her words penetrated the dark.

Patrick shifted underneath her. "What was too much?"

"My speech," A small tremor caught in her voice. "It was too much reality – you….you wanted me to be honest but maybe I was too honest."

Patrick moved to turn the lights on but Robin put her hand on his arm. "Leave them off" she asked.

Rolling on to his side to face her, he looked at her as intently as the dark would allow. "What do you mean Robin?"

"You….you seem off and you've seemed off since the speech and I think I've scared you. Patrick, you wouldn't be the first person to find the reality of HIV to be more than they reasonably could handle. I wouldn't blame you for it." Her words all tumbled out one on top of the other.

He wanted to scream. This was all of his doing. He was making her doubt him about her illness when in fact it was his own that was paralyzing him.

"Robin," he began gently, "I love you. And there is nothing in your speech tonight that I didn't know either clinically or intuitively. I was shocked when you said your protocol failed not because it failed but because the thought of you being that afraid took my breath away. It made me wish that I had known you then, that I could have been with you then. The reality of your HIV doesn't scare me. "

She was quiet for several minutes. "What about me having a pillow and blanket in the bathroom because I puke my guts up for two weeks straight or being covered in purple spots."

"I think you're beautiful no matter what" The darkness provided almost enough cover for him to admit everything in his heart. Almost.

She scoffed lightly. "I love you for saying that but Patrick – you – you're used to dating a certain type of woman and I'm pretty sure being seen with a woman covered in purple spots would not be high on your list-" 

Inhaling sharply he moved closer to her and tangled his leg between hers. "Robin – I've dated a lot of women but you're the first one I've ever fallen in love with. You could be green with yellow polka dots and it wouldn't matter to me."

Sensing the protest forming on her lips, he put his finger against her mouth. "I may not have been in love before but I do know a little something about loving people for their heart and not their looks. When Eric was at his sickest, he was jaundiced, bald, his eyes were bloodshot and he had dropped from about 230 pounds to 140. He looked like a sad sack of bones. But none of that mattered to me – he was my best friend and none of that was conditional upon what he looked like. And the same goes for you."

She kissed him gently. "I felt the same way about Stone" she offered, "he was so pale and so weak at the end. The sores were everywhere on his chest but it didn't change how I felt about him. But at the same time I never want to have to live that again – I know how hard it is, so I guess I'm saying if you wanted….if you wanted a pass, I would understand."

Her words burned into his brain and knew that now was not the time to tell her. Sliding his arms around her, he pulled her flush to his body.

"I don't want a pass. I want to be with you – purple spots, nausea, whatever. Robin I've never been in love before you – I had no idea that it could feel like this and I can't think of a single reason to walk away and leave it behind."

"I love you so much Patrick – I'm sorry if I seem neurotic, I guess I'm just off balance a little tonight."

He brushed his lips against hers. It was only a few short minutes before he could tell that she was asleep. He felt completely torn in two – he wanted to stay with her forever but knew that forever was going to be shorter than expected.

His illness was going to devastate her.

He had to protect her. 


	25. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32**

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

As the elevator climbed to the tenth floor Eric sighed heavily. Noah's phone call the night before had taken him completely by surprise. It had been only a matter of time before the steriods stopped working but he hadn't expected it to happen so quickly. It was clear from the brief phone call that Patrick had failed to make Noah aware of his diagnosis and if Noah didn't know then it was unlikely he had told Robin.

Patrick was nothing if not predictible in his reactions. He was an immovable force when it came to supporting his friends but at the first sign of trouble for himself, he would run. He had already been a long time running before this happened and Eric worried if he didn't find a way to keep him in place then there would be no catching him.

As he stepped off the elevator he found himself nearly bowled over by a small girl. Having come to a screeching halt by running into his legs, she looked up at him in shock with wide brown eyes. Eric gave her a reassuring smile as he crouched down to her eye level.

"You seem in an awful hurry," he observed softly as he looked around the waiting area and seeing no parent in sight, "you going somewhere?"

"I hate hospitals!" she said stamping her foot. "I wanna go home."

Eric smirked. "I'm a doctor and I'm not a big fan of hospitals eithers" he confided to her. "Where's your mom or dad?"

"She's at the doctor. I wanna go home."

"I'm sure your mom will take you as soon as she's done," he suggested kindly, "do you want sit with me over here and we can wait for her together."

"I'm not supposed to talk to strangers" she told him as she folded her arms across her chest.

"That's a good rule" he told her. "My name is Eric. Why don't we go sit over there" he pointed to the waiting area, "and you can sit on one side of the room and I'll sit on the other?"

The young girl examined him carefully, unsure of his offer. She pulled thoughtfully on her bottom lip while never taking her eyes off of him. 

"Kristina!"

At the sound of her mother's agitated voice she slowly turned around and watched as her mother strode towards her.

"What do you think you're doing running off?" she asked, "I asked you to stay and colour in the waiting room"

"I don't wanna be here - I hate it here" she pouted.

Alexis sighed loudly. "I know but sweetheart, I have an appointment and Viola isn't working today - I need you to stay with me." Noticing Eric for the first time, she flashed him an apologetic smile. "I am so sorry - I hope she wasn't bothering you."

Rising to his full height, Eric gave a small smile. "Not at all - she was just telling me how she isn't supposed to talk to strangers - she's very bright." 

"Too bright for her own good" she sighed. She was taken aback as Eric reached out and very gently readjusted her wig on her head. "Th-thanks" she stammered, blushing.

"How many rounds of chemo have you had?" he asked.

"Six. I have five more to go but I...I'm sure how I can bear it. I have no appetite, everything hurts and it makes me so tired." The words just stumbled out of her mouth.

He nodded sympathetically. "The halfway part is always the hardest. You need to make sure you get more protein in your diet. Add protein powder to anything you can tolerate. And if chocolate is the only thing you can tolerate or Big Macs - then eat that. A good diet is important but just eating is more so."

"You must be an oncologist"

He shook his head. "Neurologist - but I'm a cancer survivor." 

Her eyes widened appreciatively. "You look healthy." 

"I am - five years clear. I could give you lots of platitudes about how it's going to get better, how it's always darkest before the light and all that crap but the truth is, it sucks and there aren't any shortcuts. You just need to focus on the small stuff - somedays a victory is just getting out of bed."

Her eyes welled with tears. "You're...you're the first person to be honest like that."

"Eric?"

Turning his head, he smiled as Robin approached. "Hey Robin." Bending down, he pecked her cheek. "Good to see you."

"You too. Are you here for Patrick?" she asked.

For a brief moment he thought that perhaps his friend had done what he said he would do but a quick search of Robin's face showed that she was too happy, too content to know that her boyfriend had a time bomb in his head.

"In a manner of speaking - I'm uh, I'm consulting on a case." Suddenly uncomfortable continuing to propagate the lie, he changed the subject. "I hear you were brilliant last night."

"She was" Alexis concurred as Robin blushed. "The whole town is still buzzing about how honest and amazing she was."

Robin looked from Alexis to Eric and back. "I didn't realize you guys knew each other."

"We don't" Eric laughed, "we hadn't got around to introductions. He extended his hand to Alexis. "I'm Eric Smitherman."

"Alexis, Alexis Davis" she stammered.

"Well Alexis, Alexis Davis, it was nice to meet you. And you too Kristina." He turned back to Robin "I'm supposed to meet Pansty in radiology - it's this floor, right?" 

"Yeah - down the hall and to your left. Are you staying for a while?"

"A day or two - maybe we could all grab dinner tonight?"

"I'd like that." 

"We'll catch up soon."

With a quick nod to both woman and Kristina, he headed off to find his friend and potentially beat some sense into him.

The tension in exam room was so tense it threatened to knock Eric over as he walked through the door. Patrick and Noah sat on opposite sides of the room. His friend's legs bounced up and down impatiently as he avoided eye contact with his father.

Noah could not take his eyes from his son and Eric immediately recognized the skilful examination of an experienced surgeon. Noah wanted to figure out, needed to know, what was wrong with his son and if Patrick wasn't going to tell him then he would call on his experience to see if he could not arrive at the diagnosis on his own. Eric felt badly for him, knowing there was simply no way he guess the truth.

Patrick looked at the door and felt a wave of relief wash over him as Eric came through. His best friend had been his sanity through some of the most trying times in his young life and now he needed him to do it again.

"Thanks for coming" he said quietly.

Eric nodded as he closed the door. Crossing the floor he shook Noah's hand. "Hi Noah." 

"Eric." The older surgeon sat up straighter in the chair. "So what are we dealing with?"

He hoped his voice did not betray his fear. He was doing his best to stay as calm and in control as possible but it had been a sleepless night for him as he imagined every possible scenario that would lead to his son having seizures. None of the scenarios were remotely comforting.

Eric glared at Patrick. "You are not seriously going to make me the one to tell him are you?"

"You're the doctor" he told him with a trace of petulance in his voice, his gaze dropping to the floor. 

"You're an ass" he told him honestly before turning his attention back to Noah. "He has a meningioma."

Patrick raised his eyes from the floor and looked at his father expectantly. His reaction, how he took the news was going to be an indication of how he would be in the coming months and Patrick needed to know now whether or not he could trust his father – whether he would run straight to the bottle or stick around. Both options scared him. 

All the air rushed from Noah's lungs as he was inundated with memories about his wife and her struggle. This was his son – his baby boy. He had held him only minutes after he had been born; Patrick had wrapped his finger around Noah's and in that moment he had known he was lost and vowed that he would always protect and love him. He had failed and now the universe was telling him there was a price for his failure.

"How…how bad?" he asked as his tongue darted from his mouth moistening his suddenly dry lips.

Eric looked again at his friend who seemed to have suddenly lost his tongue. Hoisting himself up on the exam table, situated literally between them, he exhaled softly.

"It's not great. I had him on steroids and they seemed to be controlling the seizures and the hand tremors but if he had a grand mal seizure last night then they are no longer doing their job. I was hoping to buy us some more time before moving to the next phase."

Noah's knuckles were white as he gripped the arms of the chair. "Surgery?"

Eric shrugged. "I'll need a new MRI to see what we're dealing with. We may have to shrink it before we go in."

Patrick heard the vibrations of their voices swirling around him but he could not hear the words. Lost in his own head space he tried to come to grips with what was happening to him. Clinically it all made sense but he was still unable to process it. He had planned his life so as to avoid any difficult or messy attachments. With the exception of Eric, he had floated in and out of social circles making many acquaintances but never any long lasting friendships.

And then Robin happened. He had tried to keep his distance emotionally; he threw up walls and the occasional land mine disguised as a criticism of the way she lived her life but none of it mattered. She had outmanoeuvred him and absolutely stolen his heart.

And now he was angry that he was so tangled up in others, that how this affected them mattered to him. All he really wanted to do was hide under a rock until it was all over.

Hearing his father call him name, he looked up. "What?"

"I asked how you were feeling." 

"Fine" he repeated robotically.

"I know you're in good hands with Eric but if….if you want to talk about it – I'm…I'm here for you."

"I said I was fine" he gritted.

Eric rolled his eyes. "Of course you're fine Pansty. I mean grand mal seizures are just a part of the every day, right?"

He turned his slow simmering anger towards his friend. "What do you want me to say?"

"The truth would be a really nice place to start but you seem to have a hard time with that."

"The truth? Why? So he can have an excuse to dive back into a bottle?" he spat, pointing at his father.

Both Eric and Noah recognized what Patrick could not; that his fear combined with the pressure of the tumour on his brain was short circuiting his emotional responses. Noah was reminded of the same reactions in Mattie. She had done her best to hide it from Patrick but there had been many a fight, shouting match and moments of weeping as the tumour had grown and Noah had born the brunt of it all.

The more life changed, the more it stayed the same.

On unsteady legs, Noah rose to his feet. "I'll leave you two to the MRI – I have an appointment to get to."

"At the bar?" Patrick asked bitterly.

Noah said nothing and simply slipped from the room.

Eric was left shaking his head. "You are an ass, you know that? A complete and total ass."

"You're my doctor, not my conscience."

"I'm your doctor, your friend and if I have to be your fucking conscience too, I will. Look, I get that you're scared and you're angry and that's all really positive but understand something here Pantsy – none of that is a free pass to treat people like crap. Your life sucks right now but you have people who will help you if you let them."

"I'm not telling Robin," he said quietly.

"How the hell do you think you're going to keep this a secret from her? I'm going to up your steroids but we are very likely just weeks away from having to resort to radiation. You think she isn't going to notice?" 

"I'll think of something" he mused out loud. "I'll find a way. I can't…I can't have her go through this again." 

"You think you're being selfless but you aren't" he challenged. "Tell me Patrick – what are you most afraid of – that when she finds out you're sick she will leave you or that she won't?"

His brown eyes blazed furiously. "What the hell does that mean?"

"It means that maybe, just maybe you'll tell her the truth and she will stay by your side and then you will be forced to fight – you'll be forced to deal with all of rather than hiding from it."

"Karen left you when you were sick" he countered.

"Karen left me because I can't have kids. Karen left me because she didn't want to deal with a boyfriend with one ball. Karen left me because she was scared of me being bald and thin and puking from chemo. But ultimately Karen left me because she didn't love me – not enough."

Sliding off the exam table, he exhaled slowly. "In the five minutes that I've known Robin I can tell you a few things – she loves you – completely, she would do anything for you and she's as caring and compassionate as they come. She is not Karen and I'll thank you to not use my failed relationship as reason to be cowardly."

Patrick rose to his feet. "What the hell?"

"You want to be mad? Then fucking well be mad – but at the right thing Patrick. You gotta fight this thing in your head – tell Robin, accept your father's help and you'll find it will go a whole lot easier." Opening the door, he looked over his shoulder at his friend. "I'll meet you in the MRI room in half an hour."

Patrick sank back in the chair, cradling his head in his hands. He knew every thing that Eric had told him was true. He just didn't know how to do any of it. 


	26. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33**

I'm trying to keep it together  
But I'm falling apart

Peeling back the wrapper of the ice cream bar, Robin lowered herself onto the bench in the observation gallery. She closed her eyes and moaned appreciatively as the first bite of fudge mocha melted against her tongue. Opening her eyes, she smiled as she saw Patrick stride into the operating room below. Their schedules had both been busy to the point of overload in the last few days and though they hadn't managed to steal much time together at the hospital, she was taking advantage of a small break to watch him work.

Fear of an ever ballooning ego kept her from telling him but she loved to watch him work. He was cocky and arrogant but not without reason. He was precise and creative when he needed to be and every patient mattered to him; he was loathe to cross anyone off as a lost cause. The small glimpses of his dedication was one of the first things that attracted her to him. Even when she found him insufferable in his relentless pursuit of her and almost every other female on staff, she was still able to appreciate his extraordinary skill.

Leaning forward with her elbows on her knees, she was surprised to see Noah enter the theatre and stand next to Patrick. Though father and son did assist each other from time to time, this particular procedure was not a complicated one and hardly required the attention of two senior surgeons. She could tell by the hunch of his shoulders that he was agitated by Noah's presence and his eyes narrowed as his father spoke to him.

The procedure was not more than 30 minutes old when Patrick, frustrated, stepped back from the table and angrily peeled off his gloves. Noah took his place at the head of the table while Patrick spoke furiously at him before storming from the room. She was shocked and dumbfounded. In all the time she had known him, she had never known him to step away from a procedure, nor had she known Noah to throw his weight around unnecessarily. Something was clearly wrong but she had no idea what.

Dumping the rest of her uneaten ice cream bar in the garbage, she scampered from the room and headed down the stairs to the locker rooms.

Patrick kicked open the door to the roof and stormed to the far end before letting out a cry of frustation the emanated deep from within. His blood was boiling with fury and he was oblivious to winter's chill.

Looking down at his left hand, still trembling, he could not believe how his body was betraying him. His hands were his gift - they were able to physically do what his mind knew should be done and now they had cruelly, without a second thought, begun to abandon him. Noah had noticed the tremor and asked Patrick to step away from the table. When Patrick ignored him, Noah ordered him to step back and Patrick was not in a position to refuse him. He was embarassed and humiliated and though he wanted to blame his father he knew he could not.

His conversation with Eric from the day before after his second MRI replayed in a constant loop in his head.  
_  
"It's grower faster than I'm comfortable with Pat."_

"So what do you want to do?"

"I want to up your steroids for two more weeks and then we're going to move to radiation. I won't do surgery until I can shrink it some." Eric's voice was calm and doctor like but Patrick had read his eyes and knew that his friend was worried - truly worried.

"Okay" he had agreed listlessly.

"We need to talk about work-" 

"What about it?"

"I think you need to ask for a leave of absence-"

"Absolutely not! Out of the question," he had interrupted tightly.

"You need to deal with your disease and you can't do that and work." 

"Everyone will know"

"Don't you mean Robin will know?"

"Eric - just..."

"Patrick, you are still suffering tremors and you had a seizure last night. You have one more seizure and I will have no choice but to report you to your chief of staff and have you removed from cases. Ethically and legally I cannot allow you to continue to work."

"You can't do this to me"

"I'm not doing anything to do, I'm trying to help you." 

It didn't feel like help. It felt like he was trying to take away what mattered to him - what had always got him through. Or maybe it was it. It, this thing in his head, was trying to take away what mattered to him. How would he tell Alan? Or Robin? If he had to stop working there would be no way to protect Robin from the truth.

And if he told Robin then it would be real.

Clinically he understood what was happening to him but emotionally he could not. He had inherited his mother's sense of humour, her nose and the same long, slender fingers that she did. How was it possible that he also inherited the very thing that had killed her? That wasn't supposed to be the legacy that she passed to him.

He was terrified. 

Potentially testing positive for HIV wasn't nearly as scary as this was and he knew the reasons why. When it came to HIV, Robin had shown him in numerous ways, both big and small, how to live and cope and even thrive. But when it came to meningioma, despite all the success stories he could read in medical journals, there was only one example that stuck with him.

"FUUUUUUUCK!!" he yelled again.

"Patrick?"

He spun round on his heel and came face to face with a worried Robin. "Hey" he greeted weakly, wondering how long she had been standing there. 

Tentatively, Robin crossed the roof and stood in front of him. "What...what's going on?"

Giving her a half smile, he shrugged. "I'm having a bad day."

"What happened in the OR?" she asked quietly.

"Who told you?" he snapped. "Is my father shooting his mouth off again?" The tell tale tremble in his hand began again and panic started to grip his chest.

Robin took a step back and looked at him in surprise. "No. I was - I was in the gallery and I saw you leave and Noah take over. I've been looking for you. Baby, you seem all out of sorts. Please tell me what's going on."

"I'm not feeling well" he told her, not quite meeting her gaze. "I...I think I might have a sinusitis or something. I, uh, I'm just going to go home and rest."

"Why don't you go to my place, crawl into bed and as soon as I'm done here I'll head home and I can pamper you?" she offered with an inviting smile. 

He shook his head. He needed to get away from her but without raising her suspicions. "I...I think I just want to be in my own bed." Cupping the back of her head, he pressed his lips to her forehead. "I love you" he whispered. "So very much." 

Before Robin could get another word in, he quickly headed for the door and disappeared down the stairs.

She stared after him with a mixture of curiosity and concern. There was clearly something more going on than a simple sinus infection. She had suspected for a while now that he was keeping something from her. At first she thought it was his feelings about her speech or residual concern over his own HIV exposure but any time she had pressed him on either of those issues he had reassured her and she believed him. One thing about Patrick was his unflinching honesty. That's how she knew he was lying to her now. Whatever it was that was bothering him was big and he was scared. After all he had done for her, staying by her when she gave him reason not to, she was not about to let him down. 

And if he wouldn't give her the answers then she would go looking for them. 


	27. Chapter 34

**Chapter 34**

Love is every little mistake he's made  
Love is the moment that he has to embrace  
Love is the only mercy left

Glancing over at the clock on her bedside table, Robin readjusted her ponytail that had fallen to the side. It was three o'clock in the morning, her bed was covered in text books and balled up pieces of paper. She had been going at it for nearly seven hours and yet was no closer in discovering what was bothering her boyfriend. After two hours and an exhaustive process of elimination she had determined that whatever was ailing him was physical. She had considered whether or not he was having an affair or tiring of her but eliminated both. Patrick was many things - arrogant, self-centered and ambitous -but he was not a cheater. He would end things with her first, she was sure. She was also all too familiar with the feeling of love slipping away and knew that this did not feel like that. Whatever Patrick was covering, it was health related.

And so she had begun to make a list of what she believed his symptoms to be. It was an inaccurate process, she knew, because if he was covering a medical issue he was also covering its related symptoms. She knew she should feel hurt that he was withholding from her but she didn't - not yet anyways. If Patrick was keeping secrets it was because he was scared and who better than she knew how paralyzing fear could be. All she wanted to do was make it for him, stand by him the way he had stood by her.

"Come on Patrick" she sighed, "what the hell is going on with you and why can't I put it together?"

She looked down at her list.

1. Fatigue  
2. Irritability  
3. Secretive behaviour

"Okay, based on this I think you may be pregnant," she chuckled softly to herself, "and I'm confident that's not it."

Frustrated, she flopped back against the pillows. There was one way for certain to narrow her focus but it was unethical and it made her stomach queasy just thinking about it. Then again, it made her stomach queasy thinking about the man she loved struggling through something all on his own. Deciding that fortune did indeed favour the brave, she jumped from her bed, pulled on her jeans, grabbed her car keys and headed for the door.

The hospital was mercifully quiet as she stepped off of the elevator on the 10th floor. She nodded to the night nurse as she walked towards her office. What she was about to do was wrong and Patrick would be furious with her as would Alan but she needed to get to the bottom of it. She had never been one to let life happen to her and was not about to stand idly by. Both of her parents had taught her that sometimes, breaking the rules for the greater good was a good thing.

And this was most definitely for the greater good.

She flipped on the desk lamp and the low light bulb cast an ominous, eery light through her otherwise dark office. As her computer came to life, she inhaled sharply and typed in her password. Her fingers trembled nervously as she typed Patrick's name into the search function for patient records. Squeezing her eyes closed, she hit the enter button and waited. In the three seconds it took for the computer to search hospital files, she didn't know what she wanted to the results to be.

What if was something she could not handle?

Letting out the breath she was holding, she slowly opened her eyes and looked nervously at the screen. Patrick's records were there. All she had to do was click on the file icon and she would see it all. She clicked her mouse before her conscience could get the better of her. Scanning the information quickly, she saw nothing new until she got to the second page.

Neurological MRI. Ordered by Eric Smitherman.

The air rushed from her lungs as she sank against the back of her chair. Patrick had an MRI - yesterday - and had said nothing. Instantly she knew that Eric's arrival at Patrick's hotel room weeks ago was not a visit from an old friend but an old friend replying to a cry for help.

Her stomach pitched and rolled as a thousand possibilities of what was wrong with him bounced through her head. So many little things became clearer now - Noah taking over during surgery, his "flu" weeks earlier - this had been going on for more than a month, maybe more than two and he had said nothing.

With a click of her mouse she printed out his patient record and folding it up, shoved it inside her purse. She turned off her computer and light before pulling the office door shut behind her. She had two questions that dominated her thoughts:

What was wrong with him?

And why didn't he trust her?

It would be sleepless night until she saw him.

Patrick moaned as he felt the familiar bitter taste in his mouth. Once again he was aware of a cold cloth being pressed to his forehead. He could tell by the chill coursing through him that he was on the floor, no doubt as a result of another seizure. His tongue swiped at his lips and with a concerted effort he managed to open his eyes. They darted around the room, unable to focus on anything as the room spun wildly around him.

"Easy Pantsy" Eric soothed. "You're okay."

"Bad?" he croaked as he finally focused on the legs of the coffee table in his office.

"Yeah, it was pretty bad." Eric took a pulse reading and relieved that it had steadied, helped him to sit up.

Frustrated, Patrick pulled away from Eric. "So now what?" he asked with a tremor in his voice.

His friend leaned up against the couch and tiredly ran his hands over his face. "Two weeks of high dosage steroids followed by radiation."

"Fuck" he sighed.

"And I need you to go see Alan Quartermaine and request a leave of absence for medical reasons or I will go and see him and tell him you are too incapacitated to work."

"Eric-"

"I'm not done. I'm also going to notify the DMV about your seizures and have your driver's license suspended."

He scrambled to his feet, fury replacing fatigue. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

He shook his head as he stood up. "Patrick," he implored, "I need you to take a moment here and think. I know that this sucks but you know and I know that legally and ethically this is what has to happen."

"It's not fair" he spat. "And even with a seizure I'm still a better surgeon than most of the hacks in this place."

"I'm not doubting your talents but you are a danger to patients and to yourself."

With his hands slung low on his hips, Patrick stepped towards his friend, his brown eyes barely concealing the rage building within him. "I am not taking a leave of absence."

"Then I will have you suspended," he told him evenly, not the slightest bit intimidated by his friend. "You need to get a grip" he told him angrily, "you are sick and in trouble and you cannot be a doctor while you are a patient."

It was all slipping away from him. Medicine had been his safe place when the world crashed down around him before and now as it was doing it again, his safety net was being pulled away. He was blind with rage and stepping forward, he ploughed his fist into Eric's jaw.

Taken by surprise, Eric stumbled backwards before regaining his balance. Rubbing his chin, he scoffed at Patrick. "That was a freebie. Take another swing and you and I are going to dance."

"Fuck you Eric!" he spat. His mind was swirling out of control and he was drowning in a feeling of helplessness.

"Sorry Pantsy, but you ain't my type."

"Patrick"

Both men turned around at the sound of Robin's voice. Patrick's chest heaved as he took one serrated breath after another. Panic began to work its way from his toes all the way through is body. Suddenly finding his feet, he ran from the room brushing past her.

"Patrick!" she called to him as she started to run after him.

"Leave me alone!" he replied as he disappeared down the stairs.

Confused and concerned, she headed back to his office and met Eric's gaze. "I think you need to buy me a coffee."

Eric idly stirred the wooden stick through his coffee and waited. Though he barely knew Robin, he could tell she was working her way to asking a question. Patrick was his friend and even if he didn't agree with his choices, he needed to tread carefully.

"You're going to have quite a bruise on your jaw," Robin remarked.

He rubbed the small bump and shrugged. "It'll make me look more rugged."

Pursing her lips together, she nodded. "Why did you order an MRI on Patrick yesterday?"

He smiled to himself, pleased to know that Robin was as dogged and determined as he had suspected her of being. Patrick was going to need all of that in the coming months.

"Breaking into hospital records, Doctor Scorpio?" he asked lightly.

"Answer my question."

"I can't"

"Can't or won't?" she challenged.

"Both. If I answered it, I would be violating doctor/patient privilege."

Exhaling slowly, she leaned back against the chair. "So you're admitting you are his doctor?"

He nodded. "And while we are on the subject of things I am admitting to, let me also admit to being very absent-minded." Reaching into his shirt pocket, he pulled out a folded report and laid it in front of Robin. "I have a tendency to leave medical reports lying around in the darndest places."

The corners of her mouth twitched upwards into a small smile as she reached for the report. Her stomach did another small flop as she slowly unfolded the pages and began to scan. She gasped out loud as she came across the diagnosis.

Meningioma.

"How bad?" she asked, looking up at him with her brown eyes full of worry.

"Not great" he admitted. "It's not responding to initial treatment the way I would have hoped and so we need to move on to other options."

Nodding, she turned her attention back to the report and tried to take it all in. Truthfully, the words were swimming before her eyes discordantly. In all of her scenarios, this had not even been a consideration and now that she knew for sure, those suppressed feelings of anger at being kept in the dark began to bubble up.

He had pushed and encouraged and forced her to be honest about her disease all the while concealing his. She made her trust him but did not return the favour.

"He's going to be furious with you that you gave this to me."

Pushing back his chair, he slowly rose to his feet. "Who gave it to you? As I said, I'm terribly absent minded and leave things lying around. Look Robin, I won't tell you what to do or how you should feel about him keeping this from you but I'm about to go see his Chief of Staff and have him suspended from duty – if you could…if you could find a way to be there for him right now…he's going to need you."

Chewing on the inside of her cheek, she gave a small nod in agreement. "I know."

She watched as he left the cafeteria and turned her attention back to the report once more. As angry as she was, there was one conversation that kept drowning out all of her other thoughts and it, more than anything else, told her why he had kept it a secret from her.

It was after her first time going to the HIV/AIDS support group and they had walked along the pier afterwards. In the quiet of that fall afternoon, Patrick had revealed much of who he was.

_"Being a child of an addict is a very isolating experience. You tend to keep people at a distance so that they never discover the ugly truth about your family….I've never really told anyone else. I mean, part of the disease leads you to be a master of deception."_

Knowing what she had to do, she folded up the report and left the cafeteria.

His legs were heavy with fatigue and sadness as he shuffled to the door. The insistent knocking was only making his headache worse. Pulling open the door, Patrick sighed as he saw Robin standing there, expectantly.

"Go away Robin," he said listlessly. "Leave me alone."

Pushing her way past him, she walked into his suite and sat down on the chair.

"Not a chance." 


	28. Chapter 35

**Chapter 35**

I pray that the morning comes and with me you'll stay  
Hide me inside your heart and let me wash away

Resigned, Patrick closed the door and crossing the room, sat on the edge of his bed. "What are you doing here Robin?"

She blinked in surprise. "What am I doing here? You have a brain tumour."

"So Eric just couldn't wait to tell you."

With a deep understanding of how fragile he must be feeling, she wanted to protect as much of his foundation as she could, for a while at least. "Who needs Eric? I broke into your medical records" she stated breezily.

He looked at her wide-eye with shock. He had always teased her about being a bad girl in disguise but had never anticipated that she would go that far. "Wh-what?"

Slowly walking towards him, her face softened as she studied his; he was pale and his burnt umber-coloured eyes betrayed his internal struggle against fear. "Do you really think that even with all that was going on in the last few weeks that I didn't notice that something was off?" she asked him quietly.

Edging off the bed he shuffled towards the window. "Go ahead, take your pound of flesh," he suggested flatly.

Scrunching up her face, she stared at him. "Are you under the impression that I'm angry with you? 'Cause I'm not."

His quirked up eyebrow and the small scowl on his face were strangely soothing to her. They were the first glimpses of the real Patrick she had seen since her arrival. "Okay, so I'm a little pissed," she amended, "but mostly Patrick I'm just sad - sad for you that you've been going through this by yourself."

"I'm fine."

Shaking her head, she took another step towards his and watched curiously as he took a further step backwards. "Okay look, I think we can both agree that 'fine' is not an adjective that comes anywhere close to describing you." She sat down on the edge of the bed.

Turning to the window, Patrick jammed his hands in his pocket. The sun was setting casting an orange glow over the city. He thought of the plans he had been foolishly making for weeks - to look at houses, to take a holiday with Robin, to take her to a Rangers game - none of those were options now, not with what was waiting for him. He stared out at the city and sighed heavily. He had long believed that there wasn't anything he could not cope with; he knew now that was arrogance of the first order. He had not the first clue on how to deal with what the universe was throwing at him.

"How long has this been going on?" Her quiet question broke the heavy silence.

Patrick met her gaze in the reflection of the window. "A few months," he replied softly.

She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from gasping out loud. There were a myriad of emotions rolling through her all at once but she pushed them to the side. This wasn't the time for her feelings, it was about him. Memories of friends enveloping her in love after her HIV diagnosis came back in a flood and she wanted, more than anything, to give that to him.

"So Eric..."

"I called him because I knew I was in trouble."

She nodded silently. "Did you tell Noah?"

"No" he shook his head, "but he knows"

"How?"

He turned his head to the side and cast his eyes backwards. "I had a seizure and he found me."

The room fell silent again with each lost in their own thoughts. For Robin, there was no lonelier image than Patrick writhing on the floor in the grips of a spasm.

Inhaling sharply, Patrick opened his mouth to speak but closed it quickly. His tongue slipped from his mouth and swiped at his dry lips. Closing his eyes, he tried again to speak.

"I think you should go."

"No," she told him steadfastly.

"I mean it Robin - just go - get away from me. You don't need this in your life - not again."

Her mouth dropped open slightly as realization dawned. Patrick was dealing with two fears - fear of his disease and what it meant for his life and fear for her, and what his disease meant for her life.

Getting to her feet, she walked tentatively towards him. "I love you" she stated in a clear voice, "and you don't get to push me away. I love you and we are in this together, for better or for worse. I love you-" She paused where she stood. "Please look at me,"

Taking several uneven breaths, he turned slowly to face her; it took all of his strength to look her in the eyes.

"I love you and you are not alone."

His eyes misted over and he shook his head. "I am alone," he whispered.

She took a step towards him. "No you aren't," she repeated.

As Patrick took another step back, he came up against the wall. With no possible escape, he sank to the floor and brought his knees to his chest. He curled his finger through the lace of his sneaker.

Robin dropped to her knees in front of him. "You are not alone," she repeated.

He shook his head as he continued to play with his lace. It felt as though it was 1997 again and everything that mattered to him - the only thing that mattered to him, his family - had deserted him and he was all on his own.

"I'm going to die," he whispered, giving voice to the dread that had lived inside him from the moment he realized what was wrong with him.

She crawled towards him as she swallowed down her own sadness and worry. "No you are not" she told him confidently.

Patrick could feel the heat from her body as she sat on her heels, inches away from him. His lower lip trembled and sucking in a breath, he looked at her. "I'm sorry," he said hoarsely.

Closing the distance between them, she threw her arms around him and hugged  
him tightly. He had told her once that he wouldn't let her go and in her darkest moment, she had held to that like a life raft. It was her turn to keep him afloat.

She buried her face in his shoulder. "I know, baby" she soothed as she pressed her lips to his neck, "I know."

As the sun set completely, the room was in darkness save for the small desk lamp on the other side providing meagre light. Patrick slowly extricated himself from her arms, offering a weak smile.

Seated across his lap, Robin watched curiously as he clenched and flexed his hand several times.

Feeling her eyes on him, he held up his hand. "I…I get tremors in my hand. That's how it started. Sometimes it shakes so badly, I can't hold the scalpel steady."

"Yesterday?"

He nodded.

Robin slid her hand behind his and pressed her lips to the inside; she could feel him shiver underneath her. She softly kissed the inside of his wrist, over the pulse point. Looking from underneath her eyelashes, she watched him struggle for control.

He slipped his hand around to cup the back of her head. She could feel his breath on her skin as his mouth, opened, hovered above hers in suspended anticipation. And as he finally let go, he crashed his mouth over hers. The kiss was needful and sorrowful and loving and she could not keep from moaning as his tongue slid between her lips and explored the velvety confines of her mouth.

His other hand trailed down her side, wondrously caressing her. She shifted in his lap, pushing forward against him as her hands burrowed under his shirt and swept across his chest. She could feel his skin warm under her touch and she, more than most, understood the healing power of touch.

He moved his lips from her mouth and suckled on the soft hollow of her neck as his fingers curled possessively through her hair. Taking hold of the hem of his t-shirt, she tugged it upwards, breaking their kiss only long enough to take the shirt off. Patrick's hands fumbled with the buttons on her blouse before finally succeeding in opening it. He pushed it from her shoulders and stared, breathless, at the sight before him.

He was normally a confident lover but Robin knew instinctively that with his foundation so rocked, she needed to take the lead. Reaching behind her, she unclasped her white lace bra and let it tumble to the ground. Unconsciously, he licked his lips and tentatively raised his hands to her breasts, palming them. She pushed into his hands and smiled seductively. Dipping his head, he buried his face against her skin, breathing in her heady scent as though that alone could make him better.

He laid her against the rug and pulled her jeans from her body before kissing his way up the length of her legs, coming to rest at her apex. He curled a finger inside of her as he kissed her sex; Robin's hips came off the ground in a silent request for more.

She shuddered, clenching her eyes shut as he pressed his lips against her belly as he continued to cover her in kisses. Threading her fingers through his hair, she held him close to her, losing herself in his touch. Groaning at the sudden loss of contact, she opened her eyes and watched as he toed off his shoes and dropped his pants to the floor. Reaching to the nightstand, he retrieved the condom before looking back at her, almost unsure of the next move.

Pulling herself to a sitting position, she held her hand out and he placed the condom in it. She crawled up to her knees as she opened the foil packet and smiled as she heard the breath rush from his lungs at her first touch.

Taking her by the hand, he led her to the bed and crawled to her. He held on to her hips as he entered her and their bodies undulated in time with one another. She locked eyes with him, hoping he could see how much she loved him, how it would always be them together. His hands traced patterns over her skin as he built to his climax, Robin silently encouraging him to finally let go; once he did, she followed him over the edge.

They lay side by side on the bed, panting breathlessly. Robin picked up his hand again and kissed it.

So comforted by her touch, so strengthened by her love, he pulled her flush against him and wrapped his arms around her.

"The steroids aren't working" he said quietly, more courageous in the dark than in the light.

She nodded knowingly. "Is radiation next?"

"Yeah," he replied softly, his eyes growing heavy with sleep.

She lovingly brushed the hair from his face and nipped at his lips; her fingertips danced lightly across his forehead. "Sleep, baby" she encouraged. "I'll be here when you wake up.

Propped up on one elbow, she watched him as he slept, noticing for the first time that he looked very much like a little boy as he did. His face seemed almost free of worry and his long, dark lashes, swept against his cheek. His lips were parted slightly and she listened to the comforting sound of his breathing.

For the first time in a long time, maybe even for the first time ever, she saw a future – a real future – with another person. She saw a future with him. Having just found it, she was not ready to let it go without a battle and she would help him fight for himself….and for them.

He stirred as her hand gently rubbed his shoulder and his neck. He was warm in her love and as he started to wake, struggled to remember why he had been so afraid to tell her. She had not left, she had not run, she had not tried to seek solace from someone or something else. It had been different when he had been exposed to HIV, he assumed on some level that she felt obligated to care for him and even as his feelings for her grew, he remained unsure of hers. As he opened his eyes, he finally realized that he could trust in her; for the first time in a long time he was ready to let himself believe in another person.

"Hi" he greeted her sleepily.

"Hi." She smiled back at him. "I had an idea while you were sleeping."

"Oh?" he asked, brushing his lips against hers.

"Move in with me."


	29. Chapter 36

**Chapter 36**

In the silence of this whispered night  
I listen only to your breath  
And in the second of a shooting star  
Somehow it all makes sense

"Move in with me," Robin offered.

Wide-eyed with shock, he made no response.

Worried that she had pushed too much, she pulled herself to a sitting position and started to backtrack. "I mean – we could be roommates. I have an extra bedroom and you could stay in it. It doesn't make sense with everything going on that you stay in a hotel room and it's probably not a good time to go house hunting but um, my place would do in a pinch. And look, you'll need to make sure you get good food into you and somehow I don't think room service will do that for you."

Unable to read the expression on his face she pulled the sheet more tightly around her body in a vain attempt to limit how exposed she was suddenly feeling. "Anyway, it's just a suggestion – you don't have to. I, uh, just wanted you to know you had options."

Shock gave way to amusement as he propped his head up on his hand. "Wow."

"Wow? What do you mean wow?" Her hands had twisted the sheet into a small knot.

"I'm just impressed – I think you said all that without taking a single breath. That has got to be some kind of world record," he teased.

She glared at him. "I just asked you to move in with me and you're making jokes?"

Gently rescuing the sheet from her grip, he tugged it downwards and pressed a kiss just above her breast as he slid his hand across her waist.

"How could I resist?" he asked, looking up into her eyes. "You were like a top spinning out of control."

Ignoring the rising tingling sensation in her body, she carefully moved from his reach. "But you still haven't said anything about my offer."

Letting out a small sigh he sat up and rubbed his face with his hands. The sheet fell carelessly across his hips and Robin averted her eyes, not wanting to be distracted or taken off course. Kicking back the covers, she grabbed his t-shirt from the pile on the floor and pulled it over her head. It had not necessarily been her intention to just blurt it out but that did not change the offer.

"Why do you want me to move in with you?" he asked cautiously.

"Because I love you?" she suggested. "And because we spend almost every night together as it is – why not move in?"

"Because I don't think it's that simple," he countered. "I think you are suddenly imbued with the idea of taking care of me. That you can nurse me and hover and….take care of me."

"First of all, I have no desire to be your nursemaid. Second of all, what's wrong with wanting to take care of you?"

"I don't need it! I am not sick." Jumping from his bed, he angrily pulled his jeans on.

Robin flinched slightly under his sudden anger. Nervous energy started to radiate through her and her instinct to run became stronger but taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly, she quelled it, at least temporarily.

"Patrick," she began softly, "you are sick. You have a brain tumour. And very shortly you are going to be undergoing radiation – you're going to have dry mouth, lose your appetite, likely your hair and your throat is going to hurt and that's just the physical, never mind the emotional-"

"I know what radiation is Robin, thank you," he answered tightly.

He didn't want to be angry with her – he wasn't really – he was angry about his tumour. He was angry that neither of them broached the subject of moving in together before this because now, no matter how she tried to position it, it felt like he was somehow less; that it wasn't about being so in love and ready to take the next step but it was about her taking care of him and him needing her. He struggled to rationalize those feelings with the ones he experienced moments earlier – the ones of trust and belief.

"I love you" she repeated, "And I would really like us to build a life together. It just so happens, at the moment, that you need some support. You have mine – unconditionally. We don't have to live together but…it's just…when I felt like was sinking in quicksand after April's death, you didn't leave my side – not even for a night. I want to do that for you." She shrugged. "It got me through – you got me through."

Looking at his impassive face, it was all she could do not to dissolve in tears. She had always felt that she asked for too much in life, that instead she should have been more accepting of what she had without wanting more. It was as though she had done it again.

She stepped into her jeans and slipped on her shoes. Retrieving her bra from the floor, she shoved it in her purse and reached for her jacket.

"I wasn't trying to hurt you" she told him softly, not quite meeting his eyes. "I was asking because I want us to be together. I was asking because waking up next to you makes me happy in so many indescribable ways. I was asking because you aren't the only one who doesn't like to feel alone and we're good together. I wasn't trying to hurt you and I'm sorry if I've insulted or offended you."

Without a backwards glance she walked to the door with more confidence than she felt. Her hand shook slightly as she pulled the door open but she did not stop. She and Patrick were more alike than either of them realized and she knew she simply could not push him any further.

Dumbfounded and confused, Patrick said nothing as she left. He watched the door closed and the symbolism of that snapped him from his fog. He was a mess and he knew it but he also knew that he needed Robin in his life; he wanted Robin in his life.

Grabbing the key card from the desk he ran out the door after her. The doors to the elevator closed just as he approached and he urgently tapped the down button in hopes of stopping it – stopping her. Impatient, he ran down the hall to the stairwell and taking them two at a time, sprinted down the 18 floors before rushing into the lobby.

Her long dark hair cascaded over her shoulders as she moved slowly to the door. Doubled at the waist, trying to catch his breath, he called to her.

"Ro-Robin!" Inhaling sharply, he called to her again. "ROBIN!"

Turning around, she stared at him in surprise. "Patrick?"

He rushed to her, stopping just short of pulling her into his arms. Dragging his hand through his hair, he took another deep breath. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to let you think – I…I'm sorry. Can we please go back upstairs and talk?"

The corner of Robin's mouth twitched upwards as she continued to look at him.

"What?" he asked nervously, shifting from one foot to the other. "Why are you staring at me like that?"

"Patrick the whole lobby is staring at you – you are shirtless and in your bare feet, not to mention I think everyone heard you asking me back to your room."

Pausing, he slowly looked around the lobby and saw that he had attracted quite an audience. His cheeks reddened slightly. "I'm an idiot" he told her quietly, "and could you please be merciful and put me out of my misery by coming back upstairs?"

"Of course," she replied with a slight nod.

Reaching for her hand, Patrick closed his tightly around hers as they walked back to the elevators. As the doors closed behind them, he tipped her chin up towards him and kissed her softly.

"I love you" he told her, his lips hovering over hers, "and I'm sorry if I made you doubt that for a minute."

She kissed him back, only pulling away when the elevator opened at their floor. They walked down the hallway in silence; arriving at the door Patrick fished the key from his pocket and held the door open for her. Robin walked through and turned on the lights; the darkness may be hospitable to truths but also provided cover for those wanting to hide.

He gently closed the door before jamming his hands in his pockets. "You may not have noticed but I have some trust issues."

Laughing lightly, Robin sat on the bed tucking her legs underneath her. "I think I figured that out," she told him with a smile.

Now that he had her back in the room, he was unsure what to say next. Not wanting her to leave, he wasn't sure how to convince her to stay.

Watching as he opened and closed his mouth several times, trying to think of what to say Robin exhaled slowly. "What is it you're afraid of Patrick?"

Smirking, he shook his head. "I'm flattered that you think there is only one thing I'm afraid of."

"Okay, let me amend that - what is about moving in with me that you're afraid of?"

Sinking into the overstuffed chair he ran his hand over his mouth. "I'm not opposed to us living together Robin, I just...now? Us moving in together should be fun and sexy and adventurous and maybe even a move to a larger future together," he held her gaze for a moment before carrying on. "But this doesn't feel like that."

"What does it feel like?"

"It feels like...Robin, I want to be your boyfriend, I don't want to be your patient."

"So those nights when it was bad and I was throwing pillows at you and demanding that you leave and you stayed - you stayed, holding me, stroking my hair, reassuring me it would be okay - was I your girlfriend or your patient?"

"My girlfriend," he whispered.

"Exactly"

Dropping his head on the back of the chair, he stared up at the ceiling and grunted in frustration. So many things had been so easy for him - it wasn't that he didn't think he could meet the challenge, he just couldn't understand how it happened. His clinical skills were of no use to him now, he couldn't cure himself - he could barely control his feelings.

Robin slid from the bed and knelt down before him. She placed her hands on his knees and looking up at him, waited. Patrick could feel her eyes on him and like some many things about her, was unable to resist the pull. He met her gaze and offered her a weak smile.

"I know that you're scared," she told him softly, "and I know this is different from last summer. It's much more real for you than the needle prick was. I know what it is to feel like your body is betraying you. I am your soft place to land Patrick - whether we live together or not. I don't want to pressure you - just know that I'm here - for the long haul," she added with a shy smile.

He curled his fingers around hers and rubbed them gently. He continued to stare at her and swore if he didn't know better he could feel his mother nudging him.

"When...how soon could I move in?" 


	30. Chapter 37

**Chapter 37**

I am drunk in my desire  
I love the way you smile at me

Patrick was surprised when he glanced at the clock revealing it was only 8 p.m.; so much had happened in such a short span of time, it seemed as though it should be later – it felt later. Hearing his stomach gurgle, he nuzzled Robin's neck.

"I'm hungry,"

"So I can hear," she said, tilting her head to the side to give him greater access.

Having agreed to move in with her, he had pulled her to his lap and they had sat quietly, limbs entangled for almost an hour. There was little left to say and both felt spent from the exertion and truth-telling.

"Let's go to Jake's and shoot some pool. I'm craving wings and beer."

"You know," he said with a grin, "just when I don't think you can get any hotter you go and say things like you crave wings and beer. Where have you been all my life?"

With a wink, she sprang from his lap. "If you play your cards right I may even let you win a game….but just one," she teased.

Feeling as though a weight had been lifted from him, he blew out his cheeks and rose to his feet. "I suppose I'll need a shirt and you seem to be wearing mine,"

Bringing the collar to her nose, she sniffed it. "I like it, it smells like you."

Walking past her as he made his way to the closet, he stopped and kissed the top of her head. The physical comfort that a touch provided had never been lost on him but until he had met Robin, he had never really experienced, as an adult, the emotional comfort; and now that he had, he found himself wanting to keep her within arm's reach.

As he buttoned up his grey shirt and folded the cuffs back, he cleared his throat. "So, um, I think there may be a few things we need to negotiate before we move in."

Slipping her jacket on, she raised her eyebrows. "Oh really?"

"Serious make or break stuff," he told her with a hint of laughter echoing in his voice.

"Such as?"

"Well you need a new television. How on earth do you not have a flat screen? And no hi-def? And once we take care of that, then we'll need to order the NFL package and the NHL package."

With an amused grin on her face, she folded her arms across her chest. "I see. Anything else?"

"Well now that you mention it," he told her, reaching for his coat, "I think we may want to reconsider your Laura Ashley bedspread. Perhaps something a little more neutral?"

"What? No race cars?"

"Well see that's what I wanted but I'm willing to give it up so if you give up the flowery poofy bedspread then we've reached a compromise." Flashing his dimple, he held out his hand to her. "Wasn't that easy?"

Shaking her head she entwined her hand through his. "Impossible" she muttered jokingly.

Discarded peanut shells crunched underfoot as they manoeuvred their way through the patrons to a corner table. Jake's was an interesting place for people watching as an anomalous cross section of the town could always be found there.

Robin pulled back the chair and flopped into it. She watched as Patrick carefully took off his jacket, pausing to stretch his hand. Tempted to ask if he was okay, she stopped herself; she knew better than most the instinct to take even the smallest of twinges and make it into something larger; for her, coughs were precursors to pneumonia and fatigue was a sign of a failing protocol. While it was important to be in tune with your body, it was equally important not to be so in tune that you overestimated what the signs were trying to tell you. It had taken her years to get to that point and she needed to let Patrick get there on his own.

"Hot or mild wings?" he asked.

"Hot – with a side order of hot sauce."

Rolling his eyes at her standard answer, he gave her a sly wink and began to weave his way through the crowd.

Even if he hadn't been wearing a leather jacket that was so old it could walk away on its own, Patrick would have recognized Eric anywhere. Taking a deep breath, he pushed past the last few people and sidled up beside him at the bar.

He glanced at the obvious blue and purple lump on his jaw and grimaced. "Looks like someone hit you"

Taking a sip of his beer and looking to his left, Eric shrugged. "It was a girly punch, barely even felt it."

"I'm sorry" he apologized earnestly.

Swivelling on his stool, his friend turned towards him and looked him up and down. "You okay?"

Patrick blew his cheeks out. "I'm better than I was."

"Good." He absently picked at the label on his beer bottle. "Look, I spoke to Alan and he's sympathetic but agrees with my assessment. I know that sucks for you but I'm trying to protect you-"

"I know you are and I know I was a jackass," he interjected. "It means a lot that you're here."

Eric nodded. "We've been through some battles together Patrick and we'll get through this too. I need you to start the new steroids tomorrow and then I'll be back in two weeks to get the radiation going."

Seeing Coleman signal to him that his order was ready, he turned back to his friend. "Robin and I are just about to have some wings and shoot some pool – come sit with us."

"No" he demurred. "I…look, you need some time with your girlfriend-"

"I want some time with both of you – some time with you not as my doctor." He tugged on his sleeve before picking up the pitcher and basket of wings. "Come on Smitty – you'd be doing me a favour anyways."

"How's that?" he questioned amusedly.

"You're the best pool player I know, I'm hoping you can kick her ass."

"Wimp" he told him with a grin as he gathered up his beer and coat and followed Patrick to the table.

Robin gave a small wave to the two men as they approached the table. Patrick set the pitcher down before pushing the basket in Robin's direction.

"So, what do you think?" Eric asked, rubbing his jaw.

"Definitely more rugged" Robin nodded in agreement.

"Please don't feed his ego" Patrick begged taking his seat. "He thinks he's god's gift to women"

"Uh, hello? Projecting much?" Eric retorted. "I would go days between dates – you could barely go hours."

Leaning across the table, he covered Robin's ears with his hands. "Shut.it."

Giggling, Robin wriggled out of Patrick's hold. "As if I don't know already. Did you ever tell Eric how we met?"

"I did," he replied huffily, "I told him that you burst in on a consult with Sheri"

"Sheila" Eric corrected.

Dissolving in to a fit of laugh, Robin reached for the pitcher and poured out two glasses, passing one to Patrick. Holding up her glass to the light, she examined the frothy head topping the amber liquid.

"Scorpio why are you staring at your beer? It's for drinking, not admiring."

"Oh but that's where you're wrong Pantsy" she said laughing lightly as he scowled. "Beer is a beautiful thing. It is one of the oldest and most popular alcoholic beverages and is recorded in the written history of both Egypt and Mesopotamia. This isn't just beer, it's a taste of history"

"You were right Patrick – very well developed geeky side."

"HEY!" she protested, throwing a carrot stick at him.

"Ah but the geeky combined with the hotness is a deadly combination" he countered. "And that's why we're moving in together."

Having choked on his drink, he wiped the back of his hand against his mouth. He stared in shock at his friend who was smiling smugly, pleased to have caught him so off guard. Shaking his head, Eric extended his hand to Robin.

Shooting him a curious look, Robin shook it. "Dare I ask?"

"I'm offering you my sympathies. I lived with Patrick for four years and have spent the last six in therapy. I'm hoping that I'll finally be able to put that ugly period behind me"

Patrick objected loudly. "I was a good roommate!"

Leaning across the table, Eric whispered conspiratorially, "Do you have a dishwasher?" She nodded. "You may need to teach him how to load it. He drinks milk from the carton-"

"I don't let my lips touch it!"

"And he eats breakfast standing over the sink and then leaves his bowl in the sink."

Robin gasped mockingly. "The horror! What about socks?"

"Oh lord the socks. Robin - you'll need to borrow a hazmat suit from the hospital to pick them off the floor. And I say you because he won't."

Both laughed heartily as Patrick's bottom lip jutted out in a pout. "I hate you both," he muttered reaching for his beer.

Robin ran her hand along his leg. "Aw baby, I'm sorry."

"Oh leave him to his pout Robin," Eric encouraged, "come show me how you can kick my ass at pool."

She rubbed her hands together gleefully. "Fresh meat! Let's go Smitherman."

Eric leaned on his cue as Robin racked up the balls. It did not escape his notice that she continued to sneak looks at Patrick and that his eyes were on her and her alone. "You really love him, don't you?" he asked.

She turned red from her neck to the roots of her hair. "Yes," she replied unapologetically.

"I'm glad that he's found you Robin. I was beginning to despair that he would never fall in love."

Having lined up her shot, she looked at him over her shoulder. "Why? Patrick always said that he didn't want to fall in love - that he didn't want to be tied down." Striking the white ball, she stood up and watched as the coloured balls scattered over the felt.

"He wants to be tied down - he's just afraid of it. He's so afraid of becoming his father, of not being what a wife or child needs that he had dodged and weaved it for so long. If you've managed to get him to stop running away from what he wants, even for five minutes, then you are one powerful person."

Robin let his words roll around in her head as she took her next shot. As the balls drained into the pocket she smirked to herself thinking how much dating was like pool. You spent all your time hitting balls you didn't want so you could get a shot at the one ball you did. She had spent years dating on and off, generally knowing from the first date that there would be no relationship but the moment she saw Patrick, something inside her awakened and even as she tried to push him away, she was already lost. Patrick was her eight ball and from Eric's words, she might just be his as well.

Having missed a shot, she backed away from the table. "What about you? Do you want the whole enchilada - marriage, kids?"

With his back to her, she could not see the sad smile that worked at the corners of his mouth. Folding his lanky frame almost in half, he took the measure of his shot. "Kids aren't an option for me," he answered quietly. "The cancer took care of that and unfortunately my case was so critical there was no time to make spermcicles. As for marriage, who knows?" he shrugged. "But there aren't a lot of people out there who want to take on a workoholic surgeon whose had cancer and can't have kids."

"I don't know," she said quietly, "I didn't think there were a lot of people who wanted to take on a workoholic researcher with HIV but," she smiled as she looked over at Patrick, "love finds you when you least expect it."

Tipping back his beer, Patrick could not keep from smiling as he watched the two people who meant the most to him, laughing and shooting pool. Eric had only ever met his dates by accident; Patrick never liked to mix his personal life with his sex life. The less connection any woman could make with him, the better. Many a nurse at the hospital had tried to use Eric to get to Patrick but it had rarely worked.

But this was different.

He wanted all aspects of his life to intersect. It mattered what Eric thought of Robin and vice versa. As his mother's illness had progressed years ago and he had quietly borne the effects of it, she had reached out to him and encouraged him, reminded him to be open to possibilities not closed to them. It was a lesson he had largely ignored until he met Robin. It was an ongoing struggle to let her in but he wanted to. He didn't know much about being in love but he did know that he wanted to share his life with her and would rather die than hurt her.

Setting his glass down on the table, he gave a small shake of his head that he had been unable to recall the name of the nurse he had been with when Robin barged into his life. From the moment he laid eyes on her, she had been all he wanted. It may not have been the most elegant or romantic meeting but he was discovering that love had a way of finding you when you least expected it. 


	31. Chapter 38

**Chapter 38**

The more I know, the less I understand  
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again

Noah looked at the drawer, his hand gripped around the handle and yet he was still not sure that he wanted to open it. After Mattie had died and after Patrick had finally left for college he had simply packed up their house and put everything in storage save for two things, both of which were in the drawer. It had been months since he looked at one and years since he had looked at the other.

Inhaling sharply, he pulled the drawer open and looked inside. There, laying on top of a group of files was a photo of Patrick and Mattie from the last Christmas before she died. Picking up the photo, he traced his finger over both their faces. She had been feeling weaker but had rallied at Christmas and was intent on giving her son and her husband the best Christmas she could. None of them had any way of knowing but less than six months from the time the photo was taken she would be dead and the Drake family fractured.

He smiled as he gazed at the photo. Mattie had insisted on buying Patrick the latest race track even though Noah had insisted their 17 year old son was too cool for children's games. He had been wrong, of course. Patrick had loved it and the picture captured his wife and his son, in their pyjamas on Christmas morning, playing with the track. It was an almost exquisite torture and he could only look at it on days when he felt strong enough.

Setting the photo aside, he pulled out the bundle of files and laid them on his desk, beside the other file. The contents of the brown folder were torture. Not exquisite, just torture. It was not everyone who could pinpoint the moment in their lives when they lost it all but he could. His fingertips tapped lightly along the label.

Mattie Drake.

There was a small tremble in his hand as he flipped open her medical chart. The one that contained every detail of her illness, every x-ray, cat scan and MRI. It also contained the post-operative report, completed by his resident and he was in a bar getting drunk. Swallowing thickly, he pulled out the last MRI she had prior to surgery and placed it on the light board on his desk.

Opening the other folder, Patrick's chart, he pulled out the MRI and placed it beside Mattie's and turned on the lights.

Eric had given him the chart earlier in the day, asking him to review it to see if he had anything to add. He didn't know if it as an act of mercy by the young doctor to help ease a father's worries or if he genuinely wanted his opinion, either way he was grateful to be included.

It was a monumental effort on his part to actually look at the MRIs but he did and was left shaking his head. The tumours were almost identically placed, though Patrick's was significantly smaller than Mattie's was at the time of her death. Taking one calming breath after another he tried to look at it clinically but he could not get past the fact that his son, his precious son, was host to such a terrible enemy.

He squeezed the pen in his hand tightly, forcing himself to calm down. He had failed his son and ultimately his wife 10 years ago and could not let it happen again. He needed to find the strength that he once possessed, that he had thrown away in abject grief and reclaim it. Patrick was going to need him and though he knew better than to try and be his doctor, he was absolutely going to be his father.

Jerking his head at the rap on his door, he quickly flicked off the lightboard. "Come in," he called.

His hazel eyes widened in shock as Patrick crossed the threshold carrying two coffees in his hand. Placing them both on the desk, he pushed on towards his father before, nervously, sliding into the chair on the other side of his desk.

"Hey"

"Hey," Noah replied. Pushing back the plastic tab on the cup, he smiled. "Kelly's coffee? I feel spoiled."

Patrick gave a light shrug. "Well as I am on medical leave I have nothing but time to scour coffee shops for the best Port Charles has to offer."

"You spoke to Alan?"

"I did, this morning. He was great," he sighed, "I just wish..."

"I know" Noah told him softly. "It must feel like so much is spinning out of control and to not be able to work only compounds it."

Patrick looked at his father thoughtfully and gave a small nod. In little ways he was beginning to understand what Noah had faced all those years ago and how easy it may have been to dive into a bottle rather than face things head on. It didn't undo any of the hurt but it did make things somewhat clearer.

"I wanted to apologize," he told him, taking a sip of his coffee. "The other day in the exam room, I was really mean to you - out of line really and I'm sorry for that. I know how hard you work to stay sober and it was wrong of me to strike out like that."

"Thank you" he replied softly. "How are you?"

"Hyper" he admitted. "I started the high dose steroids and they've got me wired for sound. Two weeks and I start radiation."

"Are you nervous?"

"A little" he answered with a shrug. "I've never really been sick, you know?"

Noah leaned back in his chair and gave a small nod. His son had been blessed with good health throughout his childhood save for a bout of chicken pox when he was eight; never a broken bone nor a surgery. The prospect of transitioning from doctor to patient was scarier than anyone could really understand.

"Are you going to be treated here or in the City?"

"Eric said he'd come down so I'll stay here."

"Good," he murmured, "that's good."

Patrick flicked the rim of the plastic lid over and over before taking a deep breath and lunging forth with the question that had been foremost in his mind over the last several days. "Did Mom...was Mom in a lot of pain at the end?"

Noah looked at him in surprise. "How much do you remember Patrick?"

He chewed nervously on his bottom lip, reminding his father of the young boy who had been devastated at his mother's death. "I remember her being bed ridden and needing our help to eat. I remember her getting lost or confused when she was out but mostly I just remember spending time with her - playing cribbage or doing crossword puzzles together or watching hockey. She was always so happy when we were hanging out - she taught me how to bake cookies as she sat at the kitchen table calling out instructions. I don't - I can't remember if there was more."

A small smile formed on his lips and he realized he was envious of his son's memories. The last few months of Mattie's life, when they were alone together, were awful. Her moods swung wildly out of control and she would say horrible, hateful things to him. He had known that it was the tumour and its pressure on her brain that caused her to lash out but that did little to remove the sting of her harsh words. There had been nightmares and awful, gut-wrenching seizures but they had both done everything they could to shield Patrick from it. His envy was tempered with relief that it had worked.

"She had some pain," he admitted, "but we did pretty good at controlling it. Are you...are you having pain?"

"No. Other than the seizures but I just wondered...maybe I'm worried about what could come."

Inhaling sharply, Noah curled his hand around the coffee cup. "Ten years is a long time in medicine Patrick and you and I both know that there are options and treatments available to you know that were not available to your mother. I think...I think you're in good hands with Eric."

"I think so too" he said quietly.

Another silence fell over the room. They were both trying but neither knew how far they could go before they overstepped. The landmines were plentiful and it was an art form to try and dodge them all.

"There's another piece of news I should tell you." Patrick's tongue swiped at his bottom lip.

"Oh?"

"Robin and I are moving in together - this week - I'm moving into her place."

Noah blinked away the tears that were forming in his eyes. "I'm happy for you Patrick - this...this is really good."

He could not keep the smile from his face when he thought of her. "I love her" he said simply, "I get it now. I get what everyone was always banging on about - how powerful it can be."

"Your mom would be proud of you," he told him quietly, "as am I."

Pushing back the chair, its legs scraping against the floor tiles, Patrick rose to his feet. "Thanks."

Heading for the door, he paused with his hand on the doorknob. Turning around, he looked to his father. "Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks...thanks for taking care of me at the Nurses Ball. It was scary and...I'm glad it was you" he told him hoarsely.

"I love you Patty."

With a quick nod, he slipped outside the door and pulled it shut behind him. He was beginning to believe that anything was possible - even forgiveness. 


	32. Chapter 39

**Chapter 39**

In your love, my salvation lies

Robin stood in front of the open closet, her arms folded across her chest as she stared in disbelief at the sight before her. Patrick, reclining on the bed, looked from her to the closet and back again.

"You seem perplexed Scorpio."

"Mmm" she grunted, furrowing her brow. Taking several steps closer to the closet she carefully examined it from one end to another, shaking her head and murmuring to herself as she did so.

"Okay, you're beginning to freak me out. What is the problem?"

"Nothing" she responded quietly with a small shake of her head. "Well...it's just..."

"It's just what? I thought you wanted this?"

"I do." She nodded. "It's just I had no idea?"

Exasperated, he flopped back on the bed and exhaled slowly. "No idea of what? It's a closet with clothes in it. Our clothes - that's all part of the whole moving in together thing."

Slowly turning on her heel to face him, her rich brown eyes twinkling, she shook her head. "I had no idea you had more clothes than I do."

Sitting up suddenly, he scrunched up his face. "I do not."

"Patrick! You have 10 pairs of jeans - 10! And don't even get me started on your sweatervests..."

"What? We're not even living together for a day and you're already picking apart my wardrobe? There is nothing wrong with sweatervests."

"No," she replied slowly as she inched towards him, "I'm just not sure you need seven of them. You are one high-maintenance boyfriend!" Robin ducked the incoming pillow, giggling as she did so.

Scrambling off the bed, he chased her into the living room and grabbing her around the waist, spun her round as she shrieked in delight.

"Put me down!" she protested laughingly.

"Not a chance roomie" he told her, pulling her closer to him as he backed them both up against a wall. Robin wrapped her legs around his hips, smiling daringly at him. "Take it back - the part about me having more clothes than you" he said, his lips hovering just out of reach of hers.

"Okay," she said breathing unevenly as she lost herself in the feeling of his body pressed against hers.

"Okay?" he checked, pleased to have won his point so easily. Unable to resist her he cradled his head between her neck and shoulder, sucking softly on her sweet skin.

"Mmm-hmm" she nodded. "Just one thing though"

"What?" The sound of his voice vibrated against her skin sending ripples of pleasure through her.

"You actually DO have more clothes than me!" Quickly unwrapping her legs, she slid down the wall and took off running down the hallway.

Shaking his head at her playfulness, he gave chase. "Scorpio! When I get my hands on you, I'm going to-"

"You're all talk, no action Drake!" she called, ducking into the linen closet to avoid detection.

"You've never complained about my action abilities befo-"

Stopping suddenly at the threshold to the hallway, he gripped his head which had begun to painfully pound. He blindly groped for the wall, trying to stay upright as he clenched his eyes shut, wincing in pain.

"Is that the best you've got?" she called to him, still locked away in the closet.

"Ro-robin" His legs were unsteady as the pounding continued.

His voice was barely above a whisper but even in the closet she could hear the pain threading its way through. Pushing the closet door open, she sprinted down the hallway to him; she slid her arm around his waist to support him.

"Patrick?"

"It's just a headache," he bit out, his eyes still slammed shut.

Robin let out a quiet breath to steady herself. "Let's get you to the couch and-"

Starting to shake his head in protest, he thought better of it and acquiesced to her. Leaning on her, he let her lead him to the couch and gingerly lowered himself onto the chocolate brown leather. Still gripped with pain, his entire body tensed in an attempt to ward it off.

"I'm going to get you some ice, why don't you lean back?" she suggested.

As she walked to the kitchen she lowered the lights in the living room; both knew exactly what was causing the headache and that this was only the opening act. If the radiation didn't succeed in shrinking it, the pain would only intensify to the point of being disabling until the tumour was removed through surgery. She sighed quietly as she pulled the ice tray from the freezer. It was going to be a long road ahead for him. For both of them.

Retrieving a dishtowel from the bottom draw, she laid it out on the counter and filled it with ice cubes. As she did so, she looked over at the one small box of Patrick's possessions, tipped up against the wall. Having arrived at the MetroCourt to help him move his things, she had been surprised when everything was packed into three suitcases and one small bankers box containing mostly books. She had been sure that he had things in storage in Manhattan or Port Charles and felt a wave a sadness when he told her that he didn't - that his entire life could be boiled down to these simple mementos.

He had explained how his father had boxed up all of his childhood things and sent them to the family summer house in the Hamptons and from the moment he entered university he had vowed to travel lightly through life. There had been so many moments in her life when she felt as though her existence were small or solitary but she knew, even if she were being judicious in her packing, her life would require much more than three suitcases and box to hold it.

Patrick was stretched out on the couch, his arm draped across his eyes. He had accused her once of living a small life but she realized now that is was him whose life lacked expansion. That despite all of his bravado and cockiness, all of his partying and dating, he lacked tangibles, memories to hold onto when the present let you down.

Heading back to the couch, ice in hand, her eye was caught by a leather frame poking out of his box. Stooping down, she scooped it from the box and carried it with her. Slipping in behind him, she gently pressed the ice against the side of his head that he was still holding. He flinched slightly as the cold make contact with his skin but his breathing immediately lengthened as the pounding started to recede.

Wrapping her arm around him, she soothingly stroked his chest trying to reduce his tension. "Better?" she asked quietly, her lips near his ear.

"Yeah" he replied. "I'm sorry"

"You have brain tumour Patrick, this is part of the package."

Blowing out his cheeks, he dropped his head against her shoulder. "I wish it wasn't."

Her fingers threaded through his hair and she kissed him softly. "It'll be over soon Patrick and then you can chase me all over the apartment."

He smirked. "Naked?"

"Feeling better already, I see." Reaching over to the couch, she picked up the closed leather frame and handed it to him. "What's this?"

A small sigh escaped his lips as he held it. His mouth twitched up into a smile. "Echoes of a life long ago."

"May I see it?" she asked carefully. There was simply no rushing Patrick. Without question, if pushed he would always, inevitably push back. She wanted him to open up to her on his own not because she pressured him to. There was always a risk in being vulnerable to another person but she hoped to show him there was a reward as well.

Patrick flipped open the frame, revealing two photos. The one on the left was of Noah and Mattie; he held her in his arms and it was clear they were dancing. The look of love in Noah's eyes was unmistakable. The photo on the right was of Patrick and his mother - by Robin's guess he was about 17 - they were in their pyjamas playing with a racetrack.

"Good god!" she groaned, "you looked that good as a teenager? You must have been insufferable."

"It's true" he sniffed, "I was born this handsome."

Laughing lightly, she brought her chin to rest on his shoulder. "Did your parents dance a lot?"

"All the time" he admitted. "It got embarrassing as I got older - I'd bring friends home and my dad would get home and waltz my mother around the kitchen. Or he'd be making brunch and a song she'd love would come on and he'd go looking for her and slow dance with her."

"It sounds romantic" she told him quietly. "Are you and your mom playing race cars?"

He gave a small nod. "That's the set that you knocked over in a huff a few months back," he teased; she buried her face against his shoulder. "It was the last Christmas before she died and we spent all morning on Christmas Day playing it."

"There's a lot of love in those two photos," she observed softly.

"Yeah. Not sustainable though or possible to live up to."

Tilting her head to the side, she looked at him carefully. "Why do you say that?"

"Because inevitably you fail."

"Why are you so afraid of failure?"

He curled his fingers through hers and brought the palm of her hand to his lips, kissing it softly. "Because the cost of failure is so high. My father failed and I lost everything. I could never do to another person what he did to me."

"So it's easier to keep people at a distance?" she prodded.

He gave a small shrug as he continued to play with her fingers. "Easier, no. But safer, maybe." Turning his head, he looked at her. "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Why aren't you afraid of failure?"

"Because I have failed. Multiple times. Patrick I've failed as much as one person can and I've lived to tell the tale. Without great risk, there is no great reward and I would rather fall on my face having tried to reach for the stars than sit comfortably and never made an effort."

Her words broke through all his defences and as with so many other occasions, she made him believe that anything was possible if only he'd try. "I might...I might need you to teach me how to do that" he whispered. 


	33. Chapter 40

**Chapter 40**

Rock me gently in your arms  
Say that I will remain in your keeping

Rubbing the fatigue from her eyes, Robin leaned back in her chair. Her normally orderly lab desk was overrun with old journals, textbooks and notes; the soft glare from her computer monitor illuminated the desk.

Having signed off on all her patients for the day, she had spent the last five hours up to her eyeballs in research and reports on treatments for meningioma. It wasn't that she didn't trust Eric or his course of treatment but the researcher in her had to believe there was more and if not more than at least an alternative to what Patrick was facing. Advances were being made all the time in so many conditions, why couldn't there be one for him?

She wanted to find it for him.

To a certain extent it felt like she had been working towards this moment for years. While in medical school she had briefly toyed with the idea of being an HIV/AIDS researcher but that idea died quickly as she realized that she would be too personally invested in the results to be objective. There were others, many others, working tirelessly on finding a cure or a vaccine and they didn't need her in the lab; not when she could raise money for them outside of it.

Her path towards neurological research had been almost pre-determined. Her break-up with Jason Morgan had devastated her and she had left for the Sorbonne to seek refuge and redefine herself. As the pain receded and she was able to examine her choices and his, she became fascinated by what role his brain injury played in his decision-making process. That lead to a consuming interest in how the brain functioned and what factors, like drugs, could be applied to it to change it.

She had come home to cure Jason and had failed. She wondered if that had been the reason to bring her back and her real purpose was to cure Patrick?

Exhaling softly, she leaned forward and resumed her searching. He didn't have to tell her she knew he was afraid of the radiation. She knew that he worried about what it would do to him, how it would incapacitate him, how he would be forced to depend on others. It had been years since he had been required to rely on another person and Robin understood that he was afraid that when he did it this time no one would be there.

But she would be. She would make sure to catch him when he fell and let him know that he wasn't alone. Despite the feelings of loneliness she had experienced over time she had always known that she had family and friends who would support her if only she would ask. She rarely did but there was comfort in knowing she had a choice.

Her mind drifted back to that afternoon in the exam room after he had been exposed during April's surgery. He had asked her questions about what he could expect with the PEP and in general. She had done her best to explain it as carefully and gently as she could, highlighting the positive but not ignoring the negative. After taking it all in, he turned to her and told her that he wished there had been an option for her.

That was what she wanted now – an option for him. Something that could divert him from the course he was about to travel.

Her heart pounded in her chest and she did her best to quieten it by pushing away the thoughts of what was to come if she didn't find it. It wasn't like Stone – he wasn't dying and there was hope but the fragility of it all echoed loudly in her heart and her mind. She didn't want this to happen not to him or to her.

Tiredly, she rubbed her hands over her face. Her head jerked up as someone knocked on her door.

Sliding from her stool, she walked to the door and pulled it open. Her face lit up as she saw her uncle standing before her. Launching herself into his arms, she hugged him tightly.

"Hi sweetheart," he said, squeezing his niece.

"I'm so happy to see you," she told him as she pulled back from the hug. Stepping aside, she invited him inside her lab and directed him to the couch. "I have some really bad coffee in the coffee maker, would you like some?"

"No" he replied with a smirk, "the PCPD has its own brand of bad coffee."

It still amazed him to see his niece at work. She was still a teenager in his mind, worrying over boys and clothes and to see her work, work at saving lives made him feel proud and old all at once.

Flopping down on the couch next to him, she rested her head on his shoulder. "I've been meaning to call."

"So what's happened that stopped you?"

"I've been busy?" she offered weakly.

"Of that I have no doubt – but generally when you don't call or visit Robin, it's because something has happened and you are trying to work out what to do about it."

"I both hate and love that you know me so well" she replied with a grin.

"So what's going on?"  
"Patrick moved in" she told him sheepishly, suddenly feeling badly for not having shared the news earlier. "Last week."

Tilting his head to the side, Mac studied her carefully. "You really care for him, don't you?"

"I love him" she said simply. "I didn't think it would happen again but it did."

He lovingly kissed the top of her head. "I am so very happy for you, Robin. Everyone deserves love, especially you."

A small sigh escaped her lips. "There's more" she told him quietly.

"I thought as much."

"He….he…." she stammered and then paused. She realized she had never said it out loud to anyone but Patrick. As the news was shared it would become more real and she suddenly wondered if she was ready for that.

"He has a brain tumour" she told him quickly, ripping off the band aid.

Mac said nothing. He simply wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly. He had seen her through some – all – of the toughest times of her life and there was nothing to say other than to remind her that she was not alone.

She melted into his hug and for a moment let herself be comforted. It had been almost two weeks since she had found out and in that time she had kept her focus on Patrick and how she could support him. There had been stolen moments of self-reflection here and there but she was loathe to give any of it too much voice, not while Patrick was struggling.

But here in Mac's arms, a place of refuge so many times before, she allowed herself to feel. The doubt, the worry and the fear started to percolate. They were familiar feelings and there was no one better than Mac to understand what it all meant.

"How are you?" he asked her quietly, not loosening his hold one bit.

She gave a small shrug. "I'm okay – I think. I…I'm worried for him," she admitted.

"Of course you are."

Robin extricated herself from his arms and gave him a watery smile. "He's not dying though. There are treatments and cures available…" her voice trailed off.

"Unlike with Stone" he finished for her.

She nodded. "He's going to be fine in the end. It's just getting there is going to be really tough. But we'll get there together" she added confidently.

Mac smiled at his headstrong niece. "He's lucky to have you Robin. You are the most compassionate person I know and there isn't anyone else I'd rather have at my side during a difficult time than you."

"Thanks" Her cheeks flushed slightly at his compliment.

"But can I offer you a little advice of my own?"

"Always."

"Don't get so caught up in being there for him that you neglect yourself." A protest formed on her lips but he raised his finger to silence her. "Robin, you forget. I was there with Stone and with Jason and I know how you throw yourself into things. You have your own….health issues….that you need to be careful of and I don't want you to sacrifice anything of that for anyone else."

"Uncle Mac," she said softly. "I love you for looking out for me but I'm okay, really. Patrick is going to come out on the other end of this, healthy and strong and that's all that matters."

"It isn't" he said with a shake of his head. "It's important but not the only thing that matters."

Her back stiffened slightly at his admonition. "Uncle Mac…."

Having said his piece, he smiled warmly and got to his feet. "I have to get back to work." Grabbing his coat, he headed towards the door but paused with his hand on the doorknob. "Why don't you and Patrick come for dinner next week? It's getting close to Christmas and I think it's best that we break him in slowly to the Scorpio family traditions, don't you?"

Robin laughed lightly and nodded. "Very wise Uncle Mac."

"Good. It's a date. I'll see you soon sweetheart."

"I love you Uncle Mac and thanks for…for everything."

"I love you too"

Robin waited until he had slipped from sight before balling her fists against her eyes. Now that her uncle was aware of what was going on, there would be nowhere for her to hide and while rationally she appreciated that was a good thing, emotionally she would have preferred to not have to deal with any of it for a while longer.  
Unfurling her legs, she rose from the couch and headed back to her research, convinced the answers were somewhere in there.

It was well after midnight when she slipped her key into the door of her apartment. She had not meant to work so long but caught up in possibilities. She had a list of new elements to search tomorrow and hoped that maybe if there wasn't an alternative therapy for Patrick, there may at least be a complimentary one.

Padding into the bedroom, she stopped short in the doorway and stared at her bed. Shirtless with the blankets pooling around his hips laid Patrick. His face was almost serene in sleep and his long lashes swept gracefully against his cheek. She was still regularly amazed by his beauty.

Reaching behind her, she shimmied the zipper from her dress down her back before stepping out of it. Gathering it from the floor, she placed it on the hanger and quietly closed the closet door.

Walking to his set of drawers, she pulled open the bottom one and reached for one of his soft, grey t-shirts, pulling it over her head. She tiptoed to the bed and gently pulled back the covers before sliding underneath them.

She jumped when Patrick reached for her.

"Hey" he mumbled, eyes still closed. "Did you have a good day?"

"I thought you were asleep"

"Nuh-uh" he mumbled again, pulling her flush against him, his lips off in search of hers. "I was just dozing until you got here."

"Do you regularly snore when you doze?" she asked playfully as she tangled her legs through his, enjoying the warmth from his body.

He pried open one eye and stared at her. "Do you really want to have a snoring conversation there Buzzsaw Scorpio?"

She swatted playfully at his chest as she kissed him softly. "I like having you in my bed."

"I like having you in my arms."

She snaked her arms around his waist and brought her head to rest against his chest. With their bodies wrapped together and the sound of his steady heartbeat thrumming underneath her cheek, all worries and fears suddenly evaporated. They had each other and they loved each other. Everything else was just details. 


	34. Chapter 41

**Chapter 41**

Let my loving ease your pain  
Bring your burning skin to my river once again

Hearing the jangle of Robin's keys Patrick bounded to the door and pulled it open, greeting her with a wide smile. "Hi baby!"

Doing a double take, Robin smiled back. "Hi."

Reaching out, he relieved her of the brown paper bag filled with takeout and with his free hand, gently pulled her over the threshold. Having set the food down on the counter, he turned and cupping her face, kissed her softly. His tongue darted from his mouth to hers and Robin moaned as she slid her hands around his back, sweeping across his broad shoulders.

Slowly breaking the kiss, he stared smilingly at her. "How was your day?" he asked quietly.

Robin curled her fingers through his belt loops to keep herself upright as her legs had turned to rubber from his kiss. They always turned to rubber when he kissed her and it was a feeling she could not get enough of.

"As if I could give you a coherent answer after that," she replied with a grin. "Have I mentioned how much I like living with you?"

He waggled his eyebrows. "I think this is turning out to be a most mutually beneficial arrangement." Taking her by the hand he led her to the couch, pulling her onto his lap. His hand snaked around her waist, bringing it to rest against her hip as he nuzzled her neck.

"I could get used to greetings like this" she murmured as the stubble of his growth rubbed against her soft skin.

"Well as I have nothing but time on my hands these days, I can spend my days thinking of ways to sweep you off your feet...or get you out of your clothes," he added playfully, his brown eyes dancing as he looked at her.

She threaded her fingers through his hair as she held his gaze. He had treated the first few days of his medical leave as though they were simply days off but now, more than a week into it, she could sense his restlessness and could only imagine how disorienting it was for him to be without a place to go. And tomorrow was the first day of his radiation treatment.

"Do you want to talk about tomorrow?" she asked carefully.

His gaze dropped briefly to his shoes before he raised his eyes to hers. "It's Wednesday" he stated breezily, "some even call it hump day. I actually think it should be humping day." He tapped his chin thoughtfully, "Then again, I think every day should be humping day."

Robin shook her head at his obvious attempt to avoid the subject. "Patrick, that's not what I meant-"

"I know what you meant," he interrupted softly. "I just don't feel much like talking about it."

"Are you scared?"

He replied with a shrug. "What's to be scared of?" I must have sent 50 or 100 patients to radiation in the last five years. I've explained the pros and cons of the treatment over and over again."

"It's not the same as living it" she pointed out.

"Can we not make my brain tumour bigger than it is?" he asked, a pleading tone coloured the fringes of his voice. "I don't want it to be the only thing we ever talk about."

"That's the thing Patrick, we never talk about it."

Sliding her from his lap, he stood up and started to pace. "Just as you don't want to be defined by HIV, I don't want to be defined by this."

Jamming his hands in his pockets, he blew out his cheeks. He was struggling to stay in control. He had noticed over the last few days that his temper was decidedly shorter and that the smallest of things could set him off. The last thing he wanted to do was go off on Robin.

Pursing her lips together, she gave a small nod. "True. But in fairness, I've been living with HIV for more than a decade - you've only had this for about five minutes. There's a big difference between not wanting to be defined by something and trying to run from it."

"Who's running?" In frustration he ran his hand over his face. "Robin, I'm taking steriods that make me so hyper I have to go running twice a day just to tire myself out. I've had to leave my job because I can't be trusted not to endanger patients and tomorrow morning I get to go lie down on a bed and let them shoot radiation at my brain. I'm not running."

She chewed on her bottom lip. "Okay" she replied defeatedly.

Retaking the seat beside her, he took her hand in his and flashed a half smile. "I want us to be a normal couple."

"Define normal" she queried with a chuckle.

"I dunno. I want us to go on dates - to go play pool, to go to the movies, to hang out with friends, to do a whole bunch of things unrelated to my tumour."

Recognizing his need for some kind of consistency in his life, for something recognizable to hold on to while everything else around him was spinning out of control, she grinned wryly.

"So what do you have planned for us tonight in this bid for normalcy - which for the record, no one would ever accuse you or I of being."

"First time for everything," he retorted jokingly. He traced his fingertips along the length of hers before bringing them to his lips, kissing them softly. "Well, I was thinking we could break out my race track and race each other."

Bemused, Robin arched her eyebrow. "Are you really intent on getting your ass kicked yet again Drake? The last time we played with your track, I won."

He shook his head in disbelief. "Delusion is so sad in one so young. No one beats me on my track - ever. Girlfriend or not, I don't care - you're going down."

Hearing him refer to her as his girlfriend still provoked an undeniable thrill in her. "I see. Well then, I think we should raise the stakes and make it interesting." Pushing him back against the couch, she straddled his lap and clasped her hands behind his neck.

His breath hitched as she lightly ground her hips against his. "Wh-what did you have in mind?"

"I think we should play strip race cars."

His tongue darted from his mouth, swiping at his lips. "Strip race cars?"

"You've never played?" she challenged playfully.

He shook his head. "I gotta say, it's not a game that's ever been suggested with the guys."

"The rules are quite simple. Whoever loses the race has to remove a piece of clothing until someone is naked. In the interest of fairness, I'm willing to spot you my socks until you catch up."

His eyes narrowed. "I am going to make you eat your words"

"So that's a yes?"

"You go get the food and I'll get the track."

"Nuh-uh. No way does that count," Patrick stated unequivocally.

"Says who?" Robin challenged, shaking out her silky brown hair and letting it tumble over her bare shoulders.

"There is no way that a hair elastic counts as clothing removal. And if it does, I'm going to our room and taking a handful of elastics and tying my hair up." Down to his boxer/briefs, he was not willing to let her get away with such a small gesture.

Robin looked over at her boyfriend and smirked. Clad only in her bra and jeans, she still had a few pieces of clothing between her and total nudity and was in no rush to let go of them. It had been nearly two hours since they started playing and Robin could not think of another time when Patrick had seemed as free spirited. He roared with laughter any time her car went flying off the track and grumbled good-naturedly as she forced him to strip, slowly and deliberately, with each loss. She envied the ease with which he lay about in a state of undress and blushed at the way he stared at her with unabashed desire.

"Fine" she groaned, rising to her feet. Her hands made quick work of her belt, stopping only when Patrick called to her. "What?" she asked in mock irritation.

"Why Doctor Scorpio, I do believe you owe me a little bit of a show. Quid pro quo and all that." He stretched out, propping himself up on his elbows and smiled. "I'm waiting."

Rolling her eyes, Robin swivelled her hips from side to side in a slow figure eight and delighted as Patrick licked his lips in appreciation. She fingered the button on her jeans before finally popping it open and then excruciatingly slowly lowered the zipper. Instinctively he leaned forward to watch as she hooked her fingers through her belt loops and teasingly pushed her jeans over her hips, just low enough to give him a sneak peek at her blue lace panties.

His eyes darkened with desire as he drank her in. The soft light in the living room gave her skin a golden glow and it was all he could do not to pounce on her then and there. In his life he had dated models and actresses and while they were beautiful, they paled in comparison to her. Robin was the whole package, head and heart, body and soul and he could think of little else when he looked at her.

Her hips continued to slide from side to side as her jeans skimmed down her lean legs. Finally stepping out of them, she picked them up from the floor and tossed them to the growing pile of clothes near the couch. Crossing her legs, she sank back to the floor and looked at him from underneath her eyelashes.

"Happy now?"

"You have no idea" he told her throatily.

Robin glanced at his boxers and back to him before giving him a feline smile. "I think I have some."

Patrick shrugged unapologetically and set the cars up on the start line. "This could be our last race" he said, "but I wouldn't count on it." He passed her controller to her. "I plan on winning two more."

"Oh? And then what?"

"And then I'm claiming my prize."

"You better hope you got some game to match your mouth."

"You ain't seen nothing yet." Straightening up, he cradled his controller in his hand and looked at her. "Ready, set, GO!"

As the cars hurtled around the track, he rose to his knees, loudly urging his car to go faster. He kept an eye just head of where his car was trying to anticipate the next move needed.

Though Robin had her controller pressed flat out and wanted to win, she could not tear her eyes from her boyfriend. His face had a familiar look to it and suddenly she placed it; it was the same look he had in the photograph with his mother on Christmas Day. For a brief moment in time he was still a young boy with not a worry in the world. Smiling to herself she flicked the joystick, watching as the car crashed off the side of the track.

It took almost a full minute for Patrick to let up on his controller and realize he had won. As his car stalled on the track, he slowly looked over at his girlfriend. "I do believe you owe me a piece of clothing."

Saying little Robin kneeled up, her eyes locked on his as she reached around and unhooked the clasp of her bra. With a small shimmy of her shoulders she let the lacy material slide down her arms and fall before her. Smiling seductively, she shrugged one shoulder.

"Now what? It would appear we're tied."

Patrick stared heatedly at her. "I, uh...I, uh..." he stammered, eliciting a small giggle from Robin. He shook his head. "I actually don't want to play any longer."

"No?" she asked with mock innocence. "Then what do you want to do?" His intent, as evidenced by the small tent in his boxer shorts, was glaringly obvious.

"This" he told her before pouncing on her.

Robin let out a squeal of delight as she landed against the cushions with the full weight of Patrick on top of her. She loved the feel of his body, loved feeling him press against her. She raised her arms over her head and Patrick clasped his hands to hers as he sealed her mouth with his. Their tongues duelled passionately and he groaned as he felt her heat rise up to meet him.

Moving his hands down her arms, they greedily swept over her torso as his lips attached to first one nipple and then the other.

"Don't stop" she murmured breathlessly, burying her head against his neck, sucking softly on his skin. 

Raking her fingers along his back she slung a leg around his hip and pulled him tighter to her. As he continued with his trail of wet, hot kisses he smiled as she shivered underneath him and arched from the cushions. He could not get enough of her reactions. So many of the women he had been with had spent so much time worrying about their performance that they forgot to actually enjoy the moment. Robin, as in so many things, was the opposite. When they were together, she existed only in the moment and each and every reaction was organic.

His arousal strained against the soft cotton of his black Calvin Kleins as he continued to move down her body. His tongued circled and teased at every opportunity and Robin's moans were like music to him. Nuzzling her thighs, he looked up and locked eyes with her. Her brown eyes were were heavy with lust as she ran her hands through his hair.

"You make me feel so good," she whispered.

He let his hands trail over her sex feeling her buck at his first touch. Her sensitive folds glistened with evidence of her desire as he nibbled and sucked on them Robin writhed under his touch, her head thrashing from side to side as he circled his thumb over the bundle of nerves nestled at the apex of her sex . Robin cried out with pleasure as he slipped a finger inside her slick channel and slowly pumped it in and out. Pushing her hips up towards begging for more, her body twitched and trembled.

Her brought her as close to the edge as he dared before pulling away. Her eyes slammed shut in frustration and she banged her fists against the cushions. "Paaatrick" she whined.

"Easy baby, you know I"ll get you there."

Rising to his feet, he scrambled to find his jeans and his wallet to retrieve their protection. Tearing open the condom, he stood rooted in place as he looked back at her.

Her eyes were still shut as she cupped her breast with one hand while the other trailed urgently across her sex.

"Holy fuck" he panted, unsure if he had seen a more erotic sight.

"Hurry baby," she begged, not opening her eyes. "I can't wait much longer."

Stepping out of his shorts, he quickly sheathed himself before plunging deeply inside her, crying out her name as he did so. She wrapped her arms around his neck and held on to him tightly as their bodies fused together and moved in harmony. They tasted and touched each other's skin as they climbed towards their peak. Falling over the edge together, they lay breathless and spent against the cushions, their legs still tangled together.

Finally regaining his breath, he turned to look at her and brushed away the hair matted against her face. "I have to tell you something."

"What's that?" she asked, as she swept her hand over his chest.

"Strip race cars might just be the best game ever." 


	35. Chapter 42

**Chapter 42**

Do you want my presence or need my help  
Who knows where that might lead

Patrick pulled nervously on the back of his hospital gown trying to ward off the draft. Somehow, until now, it had escaped his notice how cold exam rooms were. Casting a cursory glance around the small, antiseptic room he shook his head in disbelief as he looked at the anatomy drawings and posters serving as crude decoration. How intimidating it must be for a patient, a nervous patient to look around the room and see artistic dissections of the brain. There was no comfort, no reassurance in the art, just a loud reminder that the patient was in a world they knew little about.

That he could name all the parts of the dissection was of no comfort to him either. A "hang in there baby" poster would be more welcome than what he was faced with. Both his father and his girlfriend had offered to accompany him to his first appointment but he refused them both - more gruffly than gently - he didn't want an audience. There would be side effects but nothing too severe, not at first anyways and he wanted to pretend he was healthy for as long as he could. In that quiet corner of his mind where he could still be clinical he knew just how serious his situation was. To have progressed so quickly to radiation was not a good sign.

The hair against the back of his neck raised against the chill and he made a mental note to speak to the Chief of Staff, the electrician or anyone to adjust the temperature in the exam rooms. It was hard enough to wrap your head around getting treatment, one didn't need to freeze their behind off in the process.

His eyes snapped up as the door swung open and a small smile of relief crossed his face as Eric walked through.

There was a thing about best friends that was hard to define other than to say they just got it. He often thought that falling in love would be like having a best friend but supersized; he knew now there was a difference. He had no real secrets from Robin but he also had little history. He and Eric could fill volumes with what they shared - both good and bad. He was the first person Patrick told, out loud, that his father was an alcoholic. There was something about the way he answered him, telling him it sucked, that just made him feel okay. He had been the first person Eric told about his cancer and it had never been a question for him whether or not he would be by his side. It was understood that there was no other place for him to be. His girlfriend left him and other friends were too freaked out to spend much if any time with him but Patrick would see him every day, staying by his bedside when he rightly should have been home catching the few precious hours of sleep in his own bed that residency allowed. The difference, he discovered, between a girlfriend and a best friend was that he didn't feel the need to protect Eric or worry about his feelings. He loved him like a brother but felt no need to take care of him.

Robin was a different story. He wanted to ensure that she never felt another minute of hurt or doubt in her life again. He wanted to give her moments and memories and was desperately afraid of disappointing her. He loved her like he had loved no other person in his life.

"Smitty" he greeted him with a smile.

"Pantsy. You best not let Robin get a look at you in that peek-a-boo gown or she might force you to wear one all the time:"

He laughed for the first time since he had snuck in the side entrance of the hospital. "You hitting on me?"

"Hardly," he sniffed. "You're not my type - you're too high maintenance."

Patrick rolled his eyes in response. "I thought you had to be back in the city."

"I do" he nodded. "I have a consult later this afternoon and then a surgery booked tomorrow. But if you think I was going to let you go in that room without me hanging around for a bit then I would say your tumour has killed what sense you ever had."

"I'm glad you're here" he admitted.

Eric slid beside him on the exam table. "I have something for you."

"You read the film upside down and I don't actually have a meningioma?" he asked with a weak smile.

"Sorry dude." Reaching into his pocket he passed him a small leather bag.

Patrick gave him a curious look before pulling open the strings and emptying its contents into his hand. A small gasp escaped from the back of his throat. "Smitty, no."

"I don't need it right now, you do."

Pulling on the silver chain he held the medallion up to his eyes. It was a silver round of Michael the Archangel and it had been Eric's constant companion through surgery and round after round of chemo. When it had seemed as though there would be no miracle for him, when he was just skin and bones, the medallion had hung from his neck and Eric had refused to give it up for anything. _Michael was a warrior_. He would tell anyone who would listen. _And so am I._

"I'm not that religious"

"It's not about religion," Eric told him. "It's about faith and those are two very different things. Patrick, this isn't going to be easy - it's going to suck in a hundred different ways - so I say call on whatever or whomever you have to."

He could say nothing in response as felt his eyes dampen with tears he refused to shed. "Thanks" he croaked when he finally found his voice.

Eric nodded. "Okay, they're going to take you in about 10 minutes. I'm not more than a phone call away and I'll be back in two weeks to chart your progress. I want a promise you'll call if anything changes between now and then."

"I will" he told him solemnly.

Eric nudged his shoulder. "Be good and if you can't be good, then fake it."

Patrick watched his friend slide from the table and smirked. "Don't you know by now Eric, I don't believe in faking anything."

"Whatever. See you soon."

He gave him a small wave as he disappeared out the door. Clutching the medallion to his chest, he swallowed thickly and hoped that this really was the first step towards it being over.

Nudging Noah's shoulder, Robin passed him a coffee.

"How did you know I'd be here?" he asked, gratefully accepting her offering.

"Where else would we be?" she asked as much to herself as to him.

Patrick had told them both in no uncertain terms that they were to steer clear of the Nuclear Medicine floor and that under no circumstances where they to be anywhere near his appointment.

Pushing back the plastic tab on her lid, she leaned back in her chair and stared up at the Nuclear Medicine sign. Patrick could lay down as many rules as he wanted but there was just no guarantee they would be followed.

"How are you?" he asked quietly.

"Good. You?"

Noah narrowed his hazel eyes and looked carefully at his son's girlfriend. She was unlike any other woman that Patrick had ever met and he knew it. He appreciated her determination, her loyalty and how she was guided by doing the right thing even when it was not the easy thing. Most of all, he liked that she loved his son; only good could come from that.

"I'm good," he replied.

"We're terrible liars" she announced with a slight giggle.

Mirroring her position, he flopped back in the chair. "Pretty much," he conceded.

"This can't be easy for you Noah." Robin was treading as carefully as she could. She worried what this meant for Noah, for his sobriety and for his relationship with his son. Patrick was slowly but surely beginning to count on his father and Robin didn't want to see him disappointed.

"I'm working each one of the twelve steps Robin."

Her cheeks flushed immediately and her gaze dropped to the ground. "That's not what I meant" she stammered uneasily.

"It's okay Robin" he told her gently. "When you publically go down in flames, you give up some of your privacy in the process."

"Noah - I didn't mean to imply-"

"You didn't," he corrected her softly. "I out and out said it. My son has enough to worry about, I don't plan on adding me to the list," he reassured her.

She smiled weakly. "Are you scared?"

"A little. You?"

Robin's nod was almost imperceptible. "I was really worried when he cut himself in the OR. I thought that was as bad as it could get - being exposed to HIV - but at the same time, I know the ins and outs of that disease. I know resources and alternatives and I was ready to call on everything I had if the worst happened."

"And now?"

"I don't know the ins and outs of this and I feel like I'm playing catch up all the time. The research is so varied on the subject and there doesn't seem to be one approved alternative treatment."

"There aren't any" he said quietly. "There are more treatment options than there were when...than there were before but it's more of the same. The course to surgery is unchanged."

"I just wish..."

"That you could fix it for him?" he finished for her.

"That obvious huh?" she said with smile.

Leaning forward and bringing his elbows to rest on his knees, he tilted his head to the side and smiled back. "Robin, you wouldn't be the first person who wanted to use their medical training to save someone they love."

"I hear a but."

"But it's not always possible and you can make yourself crazy trying."

"But I would be crazy not to try" she challenged him quietly.

He rubbed the back of his neck trying to relieve the kinks that seemed to multiply with rabbit-like frequency. He had not slept the night before and as he had done when Mattie fell ill, he started a diary. The pain and the fear had to go some place and paper was a better solution than a bottle.

"My son is lucky to have you" he told her, not for the first time.

"We're lucky to have each other. Noah, your son has given me more in the last few months than I had thought possible. I was sure that my opportunities at love were long gone and I was doing my best to make peace with that-"

"No one can ever make peace with that," he interjected knowingly.

"Nope, you're right" she agreed. "And then Patrick happened and I realize now that every moment, every experience good and bad had been preparing me for him."

Noah's heart thundered inside his chest. He had long dreamed that someone would feel that way about his son - his son who had been conceived with such great love and now that it had happened, he felt both relief and satisfaction. Satisfaction that the loving household he grew up in made enough of an imprint on him to allow him to love another person as they deserved to be loved and relief at the knowledge that his abandonment had not forever closed off his heart.

The doors to the waiting room slid open and they both looked up to see Patrick walk through, his appointment finished.

He stood staring at them in disbelief, his hands slung low on his hips. For a moment he was filled with anger that they had both defied him, that they had done the one thing he asked them not to do. And as the feeling passed it was replaced by one of relief, he was just glad to see them. He quickly tucked his medallion inside his shirt.

"I know you told us not to come" Robin said, getting to her feet.

"But we didn't listen," Noah added.

"So I can see."

"We're not hovering or trying to smother you, it's just...well..." Robin looked to Noah to fill in the blanks.

"It's just that if you really thought we would be anywhere else then you're crazy."

Giving a half smile, he held his hand out to Robin. "Well since you're both here, I guess you guys can buy me breakfast. I'm starving." 


	36. Chapter 43

**Chapter 43**

I need to let you know  
You don't have to go it alone

As they lay in bed, tangled up together, Patrick lazily stroked his fingertips over her breast. He loved the feel of her skin - it was always soft and seemed to offer a permanent invitation to be touched.

Pressing his lips to her temple in a gentle kiss, he whispered to her. "Where are you right now?"

Shifting and burrowing closer to him, she raised her head slightly. "I'm here."

"Liar," he teased quietly.

Robin supressed a smile. "I was thinking about Christmas."

"Thinking about what you want to ask Santa for? I hope you're not too ambitious because I have it on good authority that you are most definitely on the naughty list." Her giggle reverberated through his body and his fingers curled through her long, silky hair.

"I thought you liked me naughty?"

"Hell yes" he replied with a smile, "just not sure the man in the red suit shares my...appreciation for it."

"Well you have certainly not been shy about showing your appreciation" she said as her cheeks flushed. No man had ever made her feel as desirable and wanton as he had and the experience was taking some getting used to.

Tipping her chin upwards, he brushed his lips against hers. "So what were you thinking about Christmas?"

She pulled thoughtfully at her bottom lip. "Do you...do you have plans?"

"Plans?" he queried, his eyebrow quirked skywards.

Robin pulled herself up to a sitting position, wrapping the sheet around her; she smiled as Patrick tugged the sheet downwards.

"I guess what I'm asking is what do you normally do at Christmas?"

"Work" he said matter of factly. "Which I guess isn't an option this year. What do you normally do?"

"Uncle Mac hosts the Scorpio Christmas with Maxie and Georgie. There's turkey and stuffing and goofy paper hats. Would you...would you be interested in coming?"

He gave a wry smile and a small nod. "I think I'd like that."

"We could invite your dad-"

"No" he replied emphatically.

"Patrick, I thought things were getting better."

"They are, sort of but Robin I'm not ready to play happy families with him just yet. Why do you think I worked the shifts on Christmas? I had no family to go home to and celebrate with and that is his fault."

She chewed nervously on the inside of her cheek, unsure if she should push on or not. Patrick was opening up more every day, letting her in and she was torn as to whether she should just accept what he had offered so far or try and draw more out.

"Christmas can be a time of forgiveness" she offered tentatively. "Maybe if you reached out to him-"

Furiously kicking back the covers, Patrick leapt from the bed. Reaching for his jeans he stepped into them, shaking his head as he yanked the zipper up. "Reach out to him? Reach out TO HIM?" he asked, his voice rising in agitation. "Why the fuck should I?"

Unprepared for the sudden change in his mood, Robin grabbed her robe from the bedpost and wrapped it around herself. Leaning over to the nightstand, she flicked on the table lamp.

"Because he's your father" she told him simply.

"Whatever" he sniffed. "That's just a title. For it to mean anything you actually have to do some work around it and he hasn't."

"That's not entirely true Patrick" she continued, ignoring the danger signals bleating loudly around her. "You yourself have told me great stories about time with him when you were younger and he's here for you now, that has to count for something."

"It doesn't" he snapped as his memory was flooded with memories of missed birthdays and holidays. He had spent years telling anyone who would ask that he didn't care and it didn't matter when in fact he did care and it had mattered very much to him.

She tried another track. "I'm just saying that maybe this could be a time for the two of you to come together. Get past some of the hurt."

His brown eyes blazed angrily as he glared at her. "Like you did with your father?"

"My father pretended to be dead for 15 years" she stated evenly.

"My father might as well have been."

"Patrick! You don't mean that" she gasped.

He could feel the anger swirling around inside him, bubbling to the surface. He didn't understand the rage that seemed to come from nowhere and take root. His father had always been a difficult subject but it had never provoked such a response in him, not even when he was trying to talk him into accepting a liver transplant. His fingertips tingled and his head felt as though it was swimming in murky waters. The impulse to bolt was getting stronger.

"Don't presume to tell me how I feel about my father, Robin. You don't have the slightest clue!"

"I didn't mean to step on your toes, I was just trying to-"

"Fix me" he finished for her. "You were just trying to fix me. Can't fix the fucking tumour in my head so why not fix my relationship with my father? If you need a hobby, I'm not it" he spat as he paced across the bedroom floor like a caged animal.

Robin recoiled at his vitriol; it was a side of Patrick she had never seen. Even in some of the most intense life/death situations in the OR he had always been steady and never prone to tantrums.

He dragged his hand through his hair in frustration. "This is why I've avoided relationships for so long - I'm not looking to be fixed or healed or cured of my secret pain. If you want a fixer upper, then trade me in for another model, 'cause I'm not fucking interested." Pulling a sweatershirt from the closet, he pulled it over his head and stalked from the bedroom.

Her mouth agape in shock, Robin could do little but stare at him as he disappeared from view. She flinched as she heard the front door slam shut; glancing over at the clock it read 5:42 a.m. Pushing back the covers, she padded to the kitchen, sighing heavily.

Having waited around the apartment until the last possible minute before absolutely having to leave for work, Robin had been both disappointed and worried that Patrick had not returned. Disappointed that he walked out and worried that something had happened. For the first time since she was diagnosed with HIV, she was beginning to appreciate how frightening it must have been for her Uncle and her friends, concerned that something, anything could happen to her. She had felt smothered at times but now, with Patrick, she understood the need or the desire to control something, anything.

Settled on her stool in front of her microscope, she flipped open her file folder and looked at her notes. There was nothing she could do about Patrick until she got home, the least she could do in the interim was get some actual work done - provided she could keep her concentration long enough. She looked over to the stack of journal articles piled high on her desk and let out a small breath. Her intern had pulled everything she could find on meningioma in the last three years and she had yet to begin to make a dent in it. She wanted to read through them but Patrick's words about wanting to fix him echoed loudly in her head and she wondered if there was something to it.

Maybe he was right. Maybe she really did want to fix his tumour and worried that she wouldn't be able to, was focusing on his other issues. In retrospect, she would have been equally angry if he had tried to push her towards her father or insist that she make the first move. It had been an arrogant and ill-conceived idea on her part.

"So this is where the genius happens."

Looking to the door, she did a double take. "Darren. This is a nice surprise." Sliding from her stool, she waved him in. "Come in."

"I can't stay for long but I thought I'd check on you - haven't seen you in a few weeks."

She shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other. "I've just been busy and haven't had a lot of time for group lately."

He nodded. "Is your health okay? Viral load? CD4 count?"

"Yeah - yes. I'm good. It's...life is pretty big at the moment."

"Okay" he replied with a smile. "I have something for you."

"You do?"

Reaching inside the bag he was carrying, he pulled out a small box of cookies and placed them on the counter. "Thought you might like a taste of what you're missing" he said with a wink. "You can't leave me to have all the cookies."

"That's very kind" she laughed. "I'll be back soon Darren, I promise."

"Cool. Take it easy Robin."

As he headed to the door, Robin suddenly felt the words pile up in her throat and push their way out. "Patrick has a brain tumour," she blurted.

Darren stopped where he was and slowly turned aroun. "Oh Robin. I'm so sorry - what's the prognosis?"

She scuffed her shoe along the floor. "He's in radiation now and it's looking good, I think. It just happened in the last few weeks - that's why I haven't been to a meeting. I've been...we've been dealing with this."

"That must be difficult" he sympathized. "But it sounds to me like our little group would be more beneificial than ever before."

"Maybe" she replied weakly, "but Patrick has to come first and until-"

Darren interrupted her. "No. Robin you have to come first and then Patrick. It's so easy to lose yourself as you care for someone else - their needs overtake your own. It's the curse of the caregiver and it's exhausting and draining under the best of circumstances. It only gets more complicated when you have HIV."

"I am an actual doctor you know," she said irritatedly.

"I'm sorry if I stepped on your toes" he apologized gently. "Your plate is very full and I don't mean to add any stress to it. I just wanted to make sure that you didn't start sacrificing yourself in all of this."

She shook her head. "I shouldn't have snapped. I will come to a meeting and soon - I just need to get us on some solid ground first."

"I understand. Look, group is a way to help cope with some of the crap going on in our lives- not just HIV. Come when you're ready - we'll be there. In the meantime, take care of yourself and enjoy the cookies. Patrick is lucky to have you on his side"

"Thanks" she smiled.

As Darren left, she flipped open the box and sighed as she brought the cookie to her mouth. She had her doubts that Patrick shared Darren's assertion about his luck.

Patrick let out a long breath as he settled on the bench facing the water. It was the same pier that Robin had brought him to following his exposure to HIV in the OR; she had told him to look out at the water and find some perspective. He had fought her at first but as with many things, she ultimately was right. And if ever he were in need of perspective, it was now. His behaviour towards her had apalled him. He had never considered himself a cruel person but his words had been harsh and disproportionate to the conversation. He had been a man who had prided himself on always being in control and now he felt as though he was spinning wildly out of it with no capacity to anticipate his reaction to anything until it happened.

That he needed to apologize was not in question but before he did so, he very much wanted to understand why he had lashed out. One of the skills that made him a brilliant surgeon was to look at any problem from the end point and work backwards, ultimately finding the causes along the way. He was discovering that particular skill was not as easily applied to his emotions.

Flipping the collar of his jacket up around his ears, he dropped his head back on the bench and stared up at the morning sky. It was crisp, bright day - completely at odds with how he was feeling.

"Mind if I join you?"

Raising his head at the sound of the familiar voice, Patrick smiled. "Good morning Alexis. You're welcome to pull up a piece of pine but I should warn you I'm not very good company."

Giving a small shrug, she sat beside him and pulled off the lid of her coffee; its steam rose, swirling into the winter air. "What's got your panties in a twist?" she asked conversationally.

He smirked. "I have a brain tumour and I'm being a bit of an ass."

"Oh." She took a sip of her coffee. "I have lung cancer and I'm bald."

"Are you trying to make me feel better?" he asked, feeling some of the darkness ebb away.

"Is it working?"

"Well I do have all my own hair," he teased lightly.

"No one likes a show off Patrick," she smiled. "I'm sorry about the tumour - is it treatable?"

He nodded. "It is. I started radiation a couple of days ago."

"Are you scared?"

His tongue darted from his mouth and swiped against his lips as he contemplated the answer. It was an easy enough question but the answer seemed complicated - like so many other things these days.

"I think so" he admitted finally.

"You think so? You aren't sure?"

Giving a small shrug, he leaned forward, bringing his elbows to rest on his knees as he stared out at the water. "There isn't a lot of room for fear or self-doubt in the OR, not when you have someone's brain opened before you. I've spent so long trying to ignore the feeling that now I'm not sure when it happens."

Tapping one of her perfectly manicured nails against the rim of her cup, she inhaled sharply. "I think fear is a good thing. I don't think it always comes out the right way but I think it helps keep you honest."

"I don't know about that. So far all it's made me do is yell at the one person I don't want to yell at."

"Robin?"

"Yeah" he confirmed hoarsely. "I...I yelled at her and I shouldn't have."

"Probably not but yet yelled at her because you could - because people who love us make allowances for that. And sometimes when you're sick, you just have to yell."

Leaning back against the bench, he turned and faced her. "It's no excuse though"

"Probably not and I don't think anyone should take a page from my book on how to handle illness but ultimately Patrick, being sick sucks. It's like a bad game of tug-of-war and you're being pulled towards being sicker while at the same time digging your heels in the sand not wanting to give up any more ground than you already have. It makes you tired and cranky and sometimes irrationally emotional. It can drive some of us to yell or kick the cat and all you can do is apologize for it after and try to be better."

Her words rolled about in his head and he could feel the pressure lifting from his chest. Feeling a slight tingle in his hand, he flexed it and was relieved as it ended as quickly as it had begun.

"How is your treatment going Alexis?"

"Oh fine" she replied breezily. "My tumour is shrinking. And you know, every two weeks I get poison injected into my veins, throw up for three days and spend the next 11 days getting to the point where I can tolerate food and play with my daughters only to have it start all over again. I keep hearing that cancer can be a gift - I'm looking for the return policy."

Patrick chuckled. "Were you always this sarcastic."

"No" she replied seriously. "I was worse. Cancer softened me." She smiled at him as she pulled her hat tighter on her head.

"I'm not sure what brought you to the pier today" he told her quietly, "but I am glad to have run in to you."

"Me too. Listen Patrick, if I have learned anything in the last few months is that there are good days and bad days. Sounds like today was a bad day for you- go home, apologize to Robin, remind her that you love her and then cut yourself some slack."

Rising to his feet, he jammed his hands into his pockets and curled his fingers around the medallion nestled deep in the pocket. Exhaling quietly, he flashed his dimple to her. "Thank you Alexis, I needed to hear that."

She waved to him as he climbed the stairs. Poised at the entrance of the alley, he looked back at the pier and smiled. Perspective came in a number of ways, you just had to open your eyes. 


	37. Chapter 44

**Chapter 44**

We all need a little tenderness

Flopping on to the couch, Patrick glanced at his watch. Robin would be home shortly -or should be, provided he hadn't hurt her so badly that she decided to stay away.

He had spent the better part of the afternoon wandering along old piers which had been transformed into a haven for local artists and upscale boutiques. With not a lot of relationship experience behind him – or more accurately with no relationship experience behind him – he was a little unsure of what the best course of action for an apology was. He assumed there should be some kind of gift involved but as he meandered from store to store and found nothing to his liking, he decided that the apology was more important than any gift.

Apologies were not a big part of his personality. With the exception of Eric, he rarely allowed himself to get close enough to another person where an apology – a true, heartfelt one – would be needed. While understanding the concept of forgiveness, he was a little fuzzy on the reality of it as it was not something he was able to do.

Feeling a tremble work its way through his hand, he stared down at it and cursed silently under his breath. He hated this. Absolutely hated this. He felt weak and not in control and that more than anything unsettled him.

It had been months since he felt like himself. Everything had changed that afternoon in the OR – where he had pricked his finger. So many aspects of who he was, of how he defined himself had ebbed away that afternoon. His confidence had slipped, his unfailing belief that he was invincible had faltered and the reality of how alone he truly was, how isolated he had made himself, slapped him hard in the face.

There had been one good thing to come of all of it.

Robin.

She had given him no choice but to let her help him and his world had opened up in so many unexpected ways because of it. He loved her – his life, his heart, everything was fuller because of it.

But he didn't trust it. He didn't trust that it wouldn't all be taken away from him. He was more afraid of losing Robin or hurting her than he was of the tumour still growing steadily in his head. And that too was unsettling.

Alexis had suggested he cut himself some slack but he wasn't entirely sure how to do that. If his classmates and colleagues were to be polled and asked for one word to describe him, 'driven' would be the adjective of choice. And driven people didn't make allowances for failures and foibles and moments of self-doubt. They also didn't apologize.

As he heard Robin's key in the door, he swallowed nervously. There was a first time for everything.

Robin's legs were heavy as she climbed the three flights of stairs to her – their – apartment. Though she had tried to distract herself at work, her thoughts had returned frequently to Patrick throughout the day. It had taken all of her will power not to call him and check on him.

She worried that he was overwhelmed and breaking down. She worried that he was angry and alone. She worried that he was running away.

There was no residual anger left from their argument that morning. She wasn't upset or even disappointed in him. To a certain extent, she understood exactly how he felt. It was only a few short months ago that her world tumbled down around her ears and she had done everything to push him away. He had stood his ground and kept reaching for her until he reached back. Now she needed to do the same.

There was something he had said that morning that rang true with her. He accused her of wanting to fix him. And while she didn't want to fix him per se, she wanted to fix it – the tumour, the pain, the seizures. She always wanted to fix it.

She didn't want to change people themselves but she did want to have an impact on them, she wanted to matter to them and the easiest way for her to do that was to fix things. It was what had brought her back to Port Charles – a chance to fix Jason's problem which, she believed, would let him be the man she always knew he could be.

She had failed.

And now she was afraid of failing again.

Sliding her key into the lock, she held her breath as she pushed open the door.

As the door creaked open, Patrick rose to his feet. His hands, slightly clammy, were stuffed in his front pockets.

"Hey" he called to her, his legs rooted firmly where he stood.

Robin looked up with a mixture of trepidation and happiness. "Hey."

"I'm sorry"

"Are you okay?"

They laughed nervously as they spoke at the same time. Robin closed the door behind her and dropped her bag by the coat rack.

Overcome by the need to touch her, Patrick crossed the room, cupped her face and gently and tenderly kissed her lips. His brown eyes shimmered as he looked into hers and his lips twitched upwards in a smile.

"I'm really sorry" he repeated.

She gave a small nod. "I know. Let's go have a seat."

Slipping her hand through his, she lead him to the couch. They sat, without speaking, for several minutes, neither sure of how to begin.

"Are you okay?" Robin asked, sticking her toe in the pool first.

Patrick nodded. "I honestly don't know why I went off on you like that" he told her sheepishly "I never should have yelled at you and I am so sorry."

"Well you didn't yell without a little provocation from me" she qualified. "I know that your father is an uneasy subject for you and I shouldn't have tried to push so hard."

Tilting his head to the side, he studied her carefully. "Why did you?"

Robin swallowed thickly and ran her hands through her hair. "You were kind of right this morning -I was trying to fix something. Not you - I don't think there is anything wrong with you."

He gave her a wry grin. "So you think I'm perfect?"

Robin snorted and shook her head laughingly. "Hardly" she told him with a smile. "But I don't think you're a fixer upper or in need of an overhaul or anything."

"I'm not seeing where I was kind of right."

"I do have a need to fix things. Things, Patick. When life feels like it's getting away from me, outside of my control, I try to fix everything inside of my control. Do you...do you remember what I said on the roof the night that Sam was shot?"

The mere mention of that night pushed him closer to her on the couch until their legs were touching. Reaching for her legs, he pulled them into his lap and gently stroked them. That night had been a watershed for him. He thought he had Robin figured out, thought she was reserved and shy, fearful and nervous around anything not involving medicine. But as the wind had whipped up from the streets below cooling the night air and her walls had crumbled around her, he learned that she was infiinitely more complex than he ever could have imagined. That while he had lived a life of privilege and until his mother's death, almost unrelenting happiness, she had seen and dealt with more by the age of 20 than any one person should have their entire lives. She had asked him what was wrong with wanting to feel safe and unafraid and he realized just how strong she was.

"Which part?" he asked quietly.

"About my parents - when I said -"

"That if you did everything perfectly, got good grades that they would be safe?"

Robin could not keep the smile from her face as she looked at the man she loved. They had barely been friends that night but he had offered her a shoulder and some support and she had partaken of both. Though they had never spoken of it since, it had been a profound experience for her; it had not occurred to her that he would recall that night as clearly as she did.

"Yeah."

"So you think if you make my life perfect my brain tumour will go away?"

"Sounds dumb, huh?"

Shaking his head, he reached across and touched the claddagh necklace hanging around her neck and smiled. "Not at all" he whispered. Robin closed her hand around his. "It's just...it's...my life can't be made perfect Robin - any more than yours can."

Her rich brown eyes met his and she held his gaze. "I know - I just...Patrick I hate this. I hate that you have this and I can't do anything about it."

His lips brushed against hers as he kissed her softly. She crawled to his lap, deepening the kiss as her tounge twirled around his in needful passion. Her hands slid over his shoulders, sweeping against his skin as she pressed her body against his. Breathlessly she broke the kiss, fingering her swollen lips.

"So I was thinking" he began, panting slightly.

"Did it hurt?" she teased, her eyes dancing.

"Smart ass."

"What were you thinking?"

"Let's have a Christmas party."

"What?" she asked in surprise.

"A Christmas party - we can get a tree and decorate the apartment - nothing too fancy but invite our friends over and I could...I could think about inviting my father."

"Don't do that because of this morning" she told him quickly.

"I'm not. I wasn't the only one that was kind of right this morning - you were too. I need to...I need to at least try with my dad. I'm not sure what that means or how that all plays out but wishing him a Merry Christmas is probably a good way to start."

"I'm proud of you" she told him quietly.

His gaze dropped to his lap and he chewed on his lower lip. "I really am sorry I yelled at you."

She tipped his chin upwards, forcing him to look at her. "I know" she told him emphatically. "Why...Patrick you've apologized like four times."

His cheeks flushed slightly. "My parents never yelled at each other. It's not like they were perfect but they never, ever raised their voices to each other and I'm kind of embarrassed."

"It's fine, honestly. Did you ever think that maybe the tumour is what caused you to yell? You and I both know that the tumours can impact the function of the brain causing emotions to be heightened."

He shook his head forcefully. "I am not prepared to use that as an excuse. My mother handled this with grace and dignity and I need to do the same."

The reverence with which he spoke about his mother and her own battle with meningioma did not escape Robin's notice. There was something about the way he spoke about her that caught her interest. She began to wonder just how much of his mother's illness he had seen upclose and how much he had been protected from. Because if he believed that she didn't have moments of doubt, that she wouldn't have lashed out as the tumour grew and placed excruciating pressure on her brain, then he was setting unrealistic expectations for himself and they would all suffer as a result.

She needed to find out more about Mattie's illness but for the moment, decided to file it away until she could figure out how to do it without throwing the Drake men into chaos. 


	38. Chapter 45

**Chapter 45**

In your eyes, I am complete

"Now I know how Prince Charming felt" Patrick teased as they walked in and out of the rows of trees.

"And how is that?" Robin asked as she trailed her fingers along the pine needles.

"Well, he witnessed the rejection by almost every woman in the kingdom when he tried to get them to fit the shoe left behind and I've witnessed the rejection of almost every tree in this lot."

Playfully slapping his arm, she rolled her eyes. "I don't want just any old mangy tree. All of our friends are coming tomorrow night to help us decorate - it needs to be full and lush - a thing of beauty even."

Chuckling, he shook his head. "I see. So, like everything else you've overanalysed this and have some kind of spreadsheet outlining what constitutes a perfect tree?"

"As if." Dropping his hand, she walked ahead of him to the next row of trees. "It wasn't a spreadsheet," she muttered, "it was a flow chart."

He could not keep the smile from his face as he watched her inspect the trees; snowflakes landed lightly on her lashes, her cheeks were tinged pink and her brown eyes shone brightly. If he had seen a more beautiful sight, he could not remember what it was. She was steady, strong and sexy and he was finally understanding what all the fuss about relationships was about.

During his radiation treatments where he had to lie perfectly still, not even moving a muscle, his mind would run at a rapid pace trying to process as many thoughts at once as he possibly could. Yesterday's treatment had left him wondering how he would be handling this if he were on his own, if he were still in Manhattan - he couldn't conceive of it. He had always prided himself on his independent nature, on his ability to do anything on his own - as he had always done ever since his mother's death and his father's abandonment but Robin was slowly teaching him that it wasn't failure to depend on another person. No matter how difficult or scary things could be, there was always her hand to hold, her lips to kiss, her eyes showing warmth and love - things he had never sought out but now could not live without.

"I found it!" Robin's voice rang out from the depths of the forest of trees.

Grinning, Patrick jogged to where she was, finding her standing proudly beside a large tree, beaming.

"So, this is it?" he asked as he pretended to cast a skeptical glance over her find.

"Yes!" she replied excitedly. "Can't you see how perfect it is? Look at the density of the needles, how full the branches are - what more could we want? It's perfect."

He threw a mischievous look in her direction. "So I don't get a say? You've decided it's perfect and I'm just here as the hired help to carry it?"

Robin shrugged, playing along. "Well, you're welcome to find a tree better than this but that's going to take a while and I was...well it's just that...I'm cold."

"You are?"

"Yes" she nodded. "It happens when I don't wear any underwear. I need to warm up and well...I heard that skin to skin contact is the best way to achieve that." She gave him a playful wink.

"No...no underwear?" Robin shook her head as she smiled. Feeling his throat go dry, he instinctively licked his lips and reached for the tree. "Sold!"

Grunting and groaning, Patrick paused and wiped the perspiration from his brow.

"A little more to the left" Robin coached. "You're almost there baby, you're so close."

Tossing a glare over his shoulder in her direction, he shoved the tree to the left of the window. In the 45 minutes that the tree had been in the apartment, it had fallen over four times and Patrick was quickly losing patience. Holding it, he quirked his eyebrow upwards.

"Your majesty? Does this meet with your approval?"

She nodded. "It's perfect. That way when we get the lights on it, it will be visible from the streets."

"Hallelujah. Now do I get my reward?"

Robin pulled the elastic from her hair and shook her ponytail out. She smiled as she noticed his breath quicken as he watched her silky brown hair cascade over her shoulders. "Hard work deserves a long, hard reward."

Patrick growled as he walked towards her. "Oh it will be hard alright."

"I'm counting on that" she told him as she held her hand out to him.

Linking his fingers through hers, he stretched his body along hers and nipped at her neck, then the soft flesh of her earlobe and along her jaw line, delighting in the way her skin warmed under his touch.

Robin's eyes fluttered closed as he made contact with her. He had a way of touching her with the tips of his fingers, with the whisper of his lips that set her body on fire. She curled her fingers through his thick, dark hair and drew him closer yet. She loved the feel of his body pressed against hers as he hungrily feasted on her skin.

His hands slid under her sweater and came to a stop as they cupped her breasts.

"What?" Robin asked, prying her eyes open.

"You weren't lying" he said huskily, flicking his thumbs across her hardening nipples.

She shook her head. "I would never lie to you."

He buried his face in her neck, sucking gently on the soft, exposed skin as his hands continued to explore her body with abandon. As his fingers slipped past the waistband of her jeans and found their destination, Robin began to writhe underneath him, her hips rising to meet his hand in growing, needful anticipation.

Patrick smiled as he pulled her sweater from her body and tossed it to the floor. He had never lacked for female company and he was very sure of his ability to provide pleasure but he had never known another person's body as well as he knew Robin's. He knew exactly how to bring her to the brink and pull back leaving her begging for more. He knew just how to touch her so that she was ready to jump from her skin in desire. He knew how to kiss her so that her body trembled and her muscles rippled in answer. But Robin knew his body too. She could drive him wild with a look, let alone a touch. Her mouth on his skin made his knees turn to jelly. Her hair splayed across his chest sent his pulse racing. And that filled him with a sense of completion that he had never experienced.

They made quick work of each other's clothes, wrestling to pull off jeans and shirts and tangle their bodies together. They pulled away only long enough for Patrick to sheath himself before they twisted together again.

Despite the issues that surrounded them, they made love freely and without pretense. There were no walls to hide behind, no defences to be raised – it was, in many ways, the greatest honesty they shared as a couple.

As their climaxes crested and Robin's name tore from his lips, the collapsed against the plush cushions of the couch, their bodies covered in a sheen of perspiration.

"God" he panted, "if I had any idea that Christmas tree hunting could be so fun, I would have done this a lot sooner."

Grinning sleepily, Robin kissed the tip of his nose. "Don't you know yet, it's not the activity? It's who you're with."

Nodding in agreement, he stroked her flushed cheek with the back of his fingers. "Damn straight."

Bussing her lips, he rose from the couch and tossed another log on the fire before retrieving the chocolate brown afghan they had kicked to the floor in all their activity. Walking back towards her, he paused, staring at her.

Feeling his eyes on her, Robin shifted on the couch. "What?" she asked as she held her hand out for the blanket.

"You are so beautiful" he whispered.

Her entire body blushed and Robin covered her face with her hands.

Giving her a curious look, Patrick joined her on the couch, wrapping them both in the blanket before pulling her hands to his lap.

"Why do you get all squirmy when I tell you that?"

"I don't" she protested lightly, not quite meeting his eyes.

"Hello? Did you want to try that again? Robin, from the very first time we met, I told you how attractive you are and you always get embarrassed – I don't get it. Do you not know how beautiful you are?"

With reddening cheeks, Robin met his eyes and was momentarily breathless at how filled with love and sincerity they were.

"I know I'm attractive" she told him quietly.

"No" he interrupted. "Not attractive – beautiful, sexy, stunning…"

"When you say that, it doesn't sound like me."

Tipping her chin up towards him, he frowned. "What do you mean it doesn't sound like you? It sounds exactly like you – have you seen you?"

Robin giggled despite herself. "Patrick, I've never been the gorgeous one among my friends – I was cute and smart and fun. My best friend is a model who could stop traffic with a flick of her hair-"

"I've seen pictures of Brenda and while she is a beautiful woman, she has nothing on you."

Snorting, Robin rolled her eyes. "I think you may be biased. I'm not fishing for reassurance Patrick – it's just….you're kind of as enthusiastic about my looks as your about my brain and that's kind of new."

"Who are these idiots that you dated who didn't see you for the heart-stoppingly beautiful woman that you are?"

His arms snaked around her waist as he curled her into his body.

"It's not that men haven't appreciated me Patrick. It's just your….enthusiasm…is a little overwhelming at times."

Nuzzling her neck, he pressed his hips against her. "You have no idea how enthusiastic you make me."

Pushing him back against the couch, Robin straddled him. "Show me" she growled seductively. His eyes danced playfully in response as he reached for her again.

As the tree crashed to the ground for the fifth time, Robin looked over her shoulder and groaned. Patrick turned her head back to him.

"It'll keep – but I won't."


	39. Chapter 46

**Chapter 46**

But still the warmth flows through me  
And I sense that you know me well

Pulling open the door, a smile of relief crossed Patrick's face. "Thank god you're finally here" he said urgently.

Scrunching up his face, Eric looked at him curiously. "The party was supposed to start at eight. It's only 8:30 - when did you get to be such an old woman?"

"Dude" he pulled him over the threshold, "I am in an apartment filled with women"

Glancing over to the living room, he smirked to see the couches and chairs occupied by Robin's friends.

He turned back to Patrick. "An apartment filled with women used to be a dream come true for you."

"Not like this" he replied quickly. "They're giggling. And then looking at me. And then giggling again. It's making me nervous."

Clapping him on the back, Eric chuckled and shook his head. "Poor Pantsy, already domestimicated and afraid of the womenfolk."

His brown eyes widened in shock and then narrowed in mock anger. "You don't think I have reason to be afraid?"

"Please. Let me show you how it's done."

With his trademark swagger, Eric wandered over to where the girls were and smiled at Robin. "Hey Robin, how's it going?"

Jumping from her seat, she gave him a quick hug. "So glad you could make it Eric. Did you bring a Christmas ornament for our tree?"

"I did" he nodded. "One that Patrick will likely kill me for but you did ask for something from the past."

Covering her mouth with her hand, she stifled a giggle. "Indeed I did. Do you know my friends? This is Lainey, Kelly, Elizabeth and Emily."

He gave them a small wave. "So are you really talking about Patrick or are you simply trying to unnerve my boy?"

"A bit of both" Lainey responded. "He needs taking down a peg or two," she grinned.

Kelly looked him up and down and flashed him a feline smile. "Of course, if you prefer, we could always talk about you."

Eric swallowed thickly and shifted from one foot to the other, uncomfortable under Kelly's appraising eyes. "Erm, no….no need to change the subject. In fact, why don't I leave you all to the girl talk and go keep Patrick company?"

The girls laughed loudly as he jammed his hands in his pockets and slowly backed away. Returning to the kitchen, he came face to face with Patrick's smug look of triumph.

"Not as tough as you thought you were, are ya?" he challenged.

Shamefully, he shook his head. "They….it's a group thing – women in a group, they move like a pack. And that dark haired girl…Kelly? She looks hungry."

It was Patrick's turn to smirk as he offered his friend a beer. "Well you'd be just the type of meal she's looking for."

Taking the proffered bottle, Eric took a swig before answering. "Well I'm not on the menu."

Tilting his head to the side, Patrick studied his friend carefully. "And when are you going to be on the menu? Smitty, it's been six years since Karen left and I think you have been on exactly two dates in all that time."

"I think you were doing enough dating for the both of us during that time, thankyouverymuch" he replied with a grin.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm now a one woman man. It would be worth the risk you know – to be open to falling in love again."

Leaning back against the counter, Eric looked at his friend in amusement. "Oh my lord – it's a Christmas miracle. The reformed playboy is not only in love but is spreading its gospel to one and all. Hallelujah! We have made a believer of him"

"Mock all you want" he sniffed, "but if I had any idea that it could be like this…." His voice trailed off as Robin came into the kitchen.

She looked from one to the other as she slipped her hand inside Patrick's. "Are you guys…are you hiding from us?"

"Hiding? Why would we hide?" Patrick asked jokingly.

"I mean other than the fact that large groups of giggling women are dangerous" Eric muttered under his breath.

"Pardon?" Robin asked, turning to him.

"Nothing" he covered with a smile. "Nothing at all."

"Hmm." Taking a drink from Patrick's beer, she handed the bottle back to him. "Maxie, Georgie and my Uncle Mac have arrived. There's just a few people left to show up and then we can start decorating the tree."

"Sounds good to me" Bending down, he bussed her lips.

The swinging sounds of Ella Fitzgerald singing Christmas songs floated through the air as the apartment filled quickly with friends and family.

Seeing Maxie struggling with a box, Robin rushed over to help her. "Are these all for the tree?"

"No" she replied, not quite meeting her cousin's eyes. "Georgie and I thought we also decorate some other parts of the apartment too."

Robin gave her a curious look. "Do I even want to know?"

"Probably not" Maxie beamed. "But I think you'll like it when we're done."

"Oh god" she groaned.

"Georgie!" Maxie called to her sister. "Let's go – this stuff isn't going to hang itself"

Left shaking her head as she watched her two cousins amble off down the hallway, Robin reached for her beer.

"They were so happy that you invited them," Mac told her as he came up behind her.

Turning, Robin smiled lovingly at her uncle. "I'm happy they're here. Last Christmas was great – being home again but this year…"

"Is even better?" he finished for her.

"Something like that" she agreed. "Uncle Mac, I really feel like I kind of have it all. I am once again living in the same city as my family, my career is really gaining some traction and I'm in love with an amazing guy."

Folding her in his arms, he hugged her tightly. "Sweetheart, I am so happy for you. This is all I've ever wanted for you."

Pulling back, she looked into his kind face. "Have I ever thanked you?"

"Thanked me?"

"Thanked you for raising me, for loving me, for accepting me, mistakes and all?"

The Police Commissioner's eyes misted over. "Oh Robin. I don't need thanks – you and I, we learned a lot together along the way and I could not be more proud of the woman you are if you were my own daughter."

Too overcome to speak, she simply squeezed his hand.

"And I want you to know, that I follow instructions" Mac offered.

"Oh?" Robin laughed. "Since when?"

"Since my niece told me I had to bring a Christmas decoration for her tree." Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a small gold box. "For you"

Taking the box, she carefully removed the gold ribbon and pried the lid from it. A small gasp escaped her throat as she pulled out the pewter decoration. "Uncle Mac!"

A small picture frame on a red ribbon, Robin held it up and looked at it from both sides. On one side was a picture of her as a young girl with her parents, Robert and Anna and on the other side was a picture of her at her high school graduation with Mac beaming proudly with his arm around her.

"Do you like it?" he asked quietly.

Like it? I LOVE it!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms around him. "Thank you for this." Standing on her tiptoes, she kissed his cheek before dashing to the tree to put the decoration in a place of honour.

Leaning against the wall on the opposite side of the room, Patrick could not keep the smile from his face as he saw how happy his girlfriend was. Not for the first time, he was amazed at how wrong his original assumptions about her had been.

Having exchanged his empty bottle for a new one, Eric turned to leave the kitchen and nearly sent the person behind him flying to the ground. Quickly reaching out, he took hold of her waist and steadied her.

"I am so sorry" he said, his cheeks flushing red.

"It's fine" Alexis smiled, her hand over his on her waist. "Um…it's Eric, right?"

Slowly letting go of her, he smiled. "Hi Alexis, it's nice to see you again."

Unconsciously, her hand moved to her head, checking to see if her wig was straight. "And you as well."

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm good" she told him cheerfully.

"Really?"

Her mouth twitched upwards in a smile. "No. I'm reduced to eating popcorn and animal crackers but god help me, I'm going to have a beer tonight if it kills me."

"It's unlikely to do that." Reaching behind him, he retrieved another beer from the fridge and before handing it to her, twisted off the cap.

Accepting it with a shy smile, she clinked bottles with him. "So did you bring the requisite Christmas decoration?"

"I did. I haven't hung it on the tree yet though"

"Oh?"

"Patrick will kill me when he sees it and I'll need to make a quick exit. So I think I'll put it up there before I dash. How about you?"

"I did. Somehow I don't think mine will require me to beat a hasty retreat. Kristina and Molly made one of pipe cleaners and sparkles for Robin – they're quite fond of her."

"You have two daughters?"

"I do and one of them, Molly, wouldn't be here if it weren't for Robin." Seeing Eric's quizzical look, she shook her head. "It's a very long story but the short version is, I needed an emergency c-section and the only thing available was a knife. Robin got me drunk and then delivered Molly. She is my daughter's guardian angel."

Eric looked past Alexis to his friend's girlfriend – she was dancing in the middle of the living room with Lainey and Emily while Kristina tried to keep up with them – and he shook his head in amazement. Patrick had certainly picked an extraordinary woman.

"How fortunate for both you and Molly that she was there."

"I'll say. Are you…um…are you in town for the holidays?"

A loud crash drowned out his answer as they both looked over to the living room and saw Kristina stand amidst the debris of broken lamp.

"Oh dear" Alexis sighed "that's my cue."

Eric smiled and gave her a small wave as she scurried to her daughter's side.

Distracted by the broken lamp, Patrick didn't hear the door open and did a double take as he came face to face with his father.

"Dad" he said in surprise.

"I'm still invited, aren't I?" he joked weakly.

"Of course you are. I just…I didn't…I wasn't sure you would come."

"I can't stay for long," he said, "I have a surgery later, O'Hair called in sick" he amended, seeing the look of disappointment on his son's face.

"Oh, okay. Well I'm glad you could make it even for a little bit."

Unable to keep his fatherly concern at bay, he dove right in. "How are you feeling?"

Patrick shrugged. Until his father had asked, he had more or less pushed it all from his mind, at least for one night.

"I'm okay" he told him. "No radiation this week which is a welcome break – I might actually have some taste buds still around for Christmas dinner."

"Seizures? Tremors?"

Looking at Noah's hazel, worry-filled eyes, Patrick was beginning to understand just how scared his father was – how much his illness was impacting him. Not knowing whether it was all the Christmas music or just the genuine desire to have his father really be his father again, he found himself wanting to make it better for him. Gently, Patrick touched his father's shoulder.

"Dad, it's almost Christmas – how about I get you a gingerale and you join the party? Discussions about my health will keep."

Noah smiled apologetically. "I didn't mean to come on so strong."

"You didn't. Come on – let's get you a drink" Patrick said, jerking his head in the direction of the kitchen.

"Patty, wait," he called to him.

He slowly turned back to him. "What's up?" he asked nervously. Good intentions aside, their ground of their relationship was so covered in landmines it was hard to tell what would set them off.

"I….uh…I brought you an ornament."

His eyebrows shot up in surprise. "You did?"

Reaching into his coat pocket, he handed over a small brown box.

Accepting it, Patrick pulled off the top and stood completely still as he looked inside. It was a small Santa Claus with a picture of Patrick, Noah and Mattie on the steps of their old house inserted in the centre. All three were wearing red Santa hats.

He swallowed several times trying to find his voice. "I..I haven't seen this in years – where did you get it?"

"From our place in the Hamptons"

Patrick looked up in surprise. "Do you…I didn't know you still went there."

"Every once in a while" Noah told him quietly. "When I want to….when I'm missing your mom."

"I haven't been there in a long time" he said as much to himself as he did to his father.

"Christmas 1996" Noah told him, "Mattie's last Christmas"

"Yeah" he agreed hoarsely. Unsure of what else to say he simply hugged his father. "Thank you for this" he whispered.

"I love you Patrick"

From across the room, Robin paused mid-conversation with Liz and took in the father/son scene before her. Her heart filled as she watched Patrick embrace his father – an act that did not come easily to either man but that both so desperately needed.

"ROBIN!" Patrick bellowed. "You better get in here quick!"

"I'm just locking up the door" she called back.

The party had been a roaring success and shortly after 3 a.m., they managed to usher the last guest out. With a promise to each other they would clean up in the morning, they were ready for bed.

Walking tiredly to the bedroom, Robin stopped as she saw Patrick staring up at the ceiling.

"It's covered. The whole thing is freaking covered. Who the heck did this?"

With a small groan, she shook her head. "I think I know."

"Who?" he asked, not taking his eyes from the bedroom ceiling that was blanketed in mistletoe.

"I suspect my cousins had something to do with this" she said with a laugh.

"I think I'm liking them more and more," he admitted jokingly.

Walking to the nightstand, Robin picked up the note that had been folded and left propped against the lamp.

"If you can't be nice, you may as well be naughty" she read out loud.

Patrick waggled his eyebrows.

"How?" Robin asked, "How is this possible? I changed their diapers. When did they stop watching teletubbies and start being worried about naughty and nice?"

Giving a small shrug he walked to her and scooped her up in his arms. He stifled her yelp with a hot, wanton kiss.

Finally breaking for air, Robin looked at him in surprise. "What was that for?"

He looked up at the ceiling and back to her. "Just doing what tradition requires," he said before laying her on the bed and fusing his mouth over hers.

"You hate tradition" she muttered against his lips.

Breaking the kiss, Patrick grinned. "I'm turning over a new leaf. And remind me to buy Maxie and Georgie and extra expensive gift!" 


	40. Chapter 47

**Chapter 47**

Life began when I saw your face  
And I hear your laugh like a serenade

Feeling the absence of his girlfriend's body threaded around his, Patrick groggily reached across the bed for her. His eyes snapped over when he was met with nothing but empty space. Sitting up suddenly, he wiped the sleep from his eyes and glanced at the clock. It was nearly 7:30 in the morning and too early for her protocol. He groped for his shorts and stepped in to them before stumbling out of the bedroom.

The sweet smell of caffeine wafted through the air and invaded his nostrils, beckoning him closer to the kitchen. He spied Robin, fully dressed with her hands wrapped around a mug, sitting on the couch.

Scratching his shoulder, he walked to her, flopping unceremoniously on the couch beside her.

"What on earth are you doing up?" he asked, his voice still rough.

Smiling, Robin leaned in and stole a morning kiss. "I got paged."

"What?"

"Hooper needs me on a consult and I need to get caught up on the file before I head in."

"I thought you were off today?" He surprised himself as he heard the small tinge of whine in his voice.

"I was but I owe Hooper and he's calling in the favour. I should be back this afternoon."

"So how we are going to make use of our blanket of mistletoe?"

"Didn't you make enough use of that last night? I'm pretty sure we've only slept about two hours."

Her hair hung round her shoulders like a curtain and reaching out, he let it rain gently through his fingers. "Haven't you learned yet? I'm insatiable" he smirked.

"Why do I keep forgetting that?" she asked playfully.

"Not sure but I think I might have to punish you for it."

She laughed lightly in response. "I'm also kind of sticking you with the clean up" she told him as she looked tentatively around the room.

Empty plastic cups, balled up napkins and strands of garland and tinsel were strewn about the apartment and she couldn't help but think that a hurricane disguised as Santa had cut a path.

"No problem – on one condition."

"Oh?"

"We make use of the mistletoe when you get home."

Shaking her head, she muttered, "Incorrigible."

"That's how you like me"

"Generally yes" she replied with a grin. "Now I have a condition for you."

"Which is?"

"Care to explain this to me?" she asked, holding out an oval picture frame with a red ribbon attached to it.

His eyes widened in shock as he did a double take. "Where the…how the…" he stammered, "where the hell did you get that?"

Seeing his neck and his cheeks flush deep red, Robin started to laugh and bit down on her lip to stop. "I found it on the tree. I must say….I had no idea you were so bendy!!"

"I am going to fucking kill Smitty" he growled, trying to grab it from her.

The picture dated from first year of medical school and having lost a bet, he was forced to pose, naked. Having drawn a face on his behind, he had bent over and taped a Santa hat on his hip.

Pulling it away from him, Robin jumped from the couch. "I actually think it features one of your better sides!"

"I swear to god I am going to KILL him!" Patrick fumed as Robin danced in front of him holding the picture just out of reach.

"Yeah well, you can think up ways to extract your revenge on him while you make the apartment all sparkly clean. _I_ will be taking this little nugget into the office with me-"

"What? NO! Don't you dare show it to anyone!" he warned.

"Oh my" she giggled. "Patrick Drake is shy? Who knew?" Slipping the frame inside her purse, she leaned forward and kissed him. "I'm not going to show it to anyone, I'm just going to stop you from getting rid of it while I'm out."

"I hate you" he grumbled good naturedly.

"I know" she nodded. "I'll be back soon - love you"

Walking her to the door, he slid one hand around her waist while the other cupped the back of her head as Patrick nibbled passionately on her lips. "Love you too - be brilliant."

Closing the door behind her, he sighed heavily as he rubbed his hands over his face. Walking to the kitchen, he retreived his pill bottle and counted out his steroid dosage. Leaving the pills on the counter, he poured a large glass of water before scooping the pills back up in his hand. He examined the pills closely, narrowing his eyes in frustration.

"Why won't you work better you stupid little fucks? I'd rather be bloated and hyper than having radiation shot at my head." Popping the pills under his tongue, he took a large swallow of water and waited for them to work their way down.

Turning back to face the living room, he shook his head. Parties always seemed like a good idea when you were planning them, less so when you had to clean up. Grabbing a garbage bag from under the sink, he set about his task.

Three hours and as many cups of coffee later, he flopped, exhausted on to the bed.

His energy was not what it normally was. He was unsure if anyone else - specifically Robin - had started to notice but he was beginning to really feel the effects of the radiation. The lack of sleep that was his residency had been no big deal to him but now he found that he craved sleep, that he could nap at will - for hours. He was doing what he could to cover, not wanting to remind anyone, least of all himself, that he was so seriously ill but it ws proving harder with each passing session.

Blowing out his cheeks, he turned his head to the side and smiled as he looked at Robin's dresser. She was, by all accounts, a neat and tidy person - except for her dresser. The top of it was overflowing with postcards, pictures, notes and cards all begging to be filed. The piles were gaining in height and threatening to spill over on to the floor below. There was something quite endearing about her one messy place.

The corner of a folded paper that had drifted to floor caught his eye as it billowed against the vent. Groaning as he rose from the bed, he reached over and picked it up. About to put it back on the top of the pile, his curiosity got the best of it and he flipped it open. His mouth dropped open slightly as his eyes focused on the unsure scrawl and he realized he had seen it before.

It was Stone's list of things to do before he died.

Knowing how precious the often-folded piece of paper was to her, he carefully folded it and placed it back on the dresser. Laying back on the bed, he stared up at the ceiling, smirking at the mistletoe. Christmas.

It was five days away and he still had yet to find a gift for Robin. Gift buying was not a strength and he wasn't sure he had recovered from the stress of trying to find the perfect gift for her for the Nurses' Ball. Christmas was a hundred times worse. There were expectations - his or hers, he wasn't sure.

As he let several ideas roll around in his head, the numbered list - Stone's list - flashed before his eyes. That was what he needed. A list. He needed to make a list of things he could buy for Robin and that would help narrow it down. Sitting up, he grabbed his head as the inevitable reminder of his tumour appeared. He took several deep breaths before finding his feet and heading to the office in search of a pad of paper.

Having found what he needed he settled on the couch and started to scribble. Ring - no. Necklace - did that already. Bracelet - maybe. Earrings - god no. Chewing on the tip of his pen, he began to wonder if there was an experience he could give her - something to make a memory around. He sat completely still for nearly half an hour trying to determine what would be the kind of show stopping, wow factor experience that would sweep Robin off her feet. As though flood gates opened, he began to scribble in earnest - one idea tumbled out on the other.

In ten minutes he had made a list of 11 moments he wanted to give Robin. He stared at the list, laughing to himself at having discovered he was indeed one of _those_ guys. He reread the 11 items and realized he had created a list - like Stone's - of things he wanted to do. Unlike Stone though, he was not a young teenager who had barely began to taste anything of what life had to offer - he was 30, he had traveled and had boxes full of memories. Now he wanted to create memories with someone else. With Robin.

Tearing the sheet from the pad, he folded it and placed it inside his wallet. He had more time on his hands these days than he was comfortable with and just created, in short order, a project for himself. This is how he would spend his time while receiving treatment - he would find a way to give this all to Robin.

As pleased as he was with his sudden discovery, he sighed at still being without a Christmas gift idea.

The shrill ring of his cell phone pulled him from his reverie and fishing it out of his pocket, he flipped it open.

"Drake" he barked.

"Patrick? It's Alan Quatermaine. I was wondering if you could come to the hospital - I have the results of your final HIV test."


	41. Chapter 48

**Chapter 48**

In my dream I was drowning my sorrows  
But my sorrows, they learned to swim

It was the phone call he had been waiting six months for.

It had been a sweltering day in July when his normally steady hands slipped inside the brain of an AIDS patient and he had nicked his finger exposing himself to HIV. One moment was all it had taken to send him hurtling down a path he had never considered; it had been filled with self-doubt, recrimination, fear and anger. Along the way though, he had discovered that some times good deeds are rewarded and his were - with love, compassion, friendship and the slow rediscovery of a relationship with his once absent father.

In the first few months after the exposure he mentally counted down the days and the weeks until the results of his final HIV test. But that all came to a crashing halt the first time he heard the word 'meningioma'. Originally, he had wished that something, anything would come along and fill up the space in his brain that was singularly focused on his HIV test. He now understood that one should be careful for what they wish for.

He had been subjected to so many blood tests over the last few weeks that it didn't even occur to him that one of them was for his final test. It would, if there was any benevolence left in the universe, the end of a chapter. If not, his life was about to get increasingly more complicated.

And complicated was not something he did well.

He paused just in front of the info desk on the main floor of the hospital.  
Alan's office was on the 8th floor, Robin's lab was on the 10th and he couldn't decide if he wanted Robin in the room with him or not. There was a part of him that wanted to get the news on his own, digest it and tell her himself. But from that first moment in the OR, she had been his solid ground.

Taking a deep breath, he pulled his cell phone from his pocket and paged her to Alan's office. Walking to the elevator, he punched the number eight and waited to be delivered to or from a life changing moment.

As he walked the well worn path to the Chief of Staff's office, he looked down at his hand and for the first time, wondered if it had been a tremor that caused him to slip in the OR that day; if the tumour in his brain had already started its assault on his motor skills and that's why his hands had betrayed him.

Slipping through the door to Alan's waiting room, he broke into a large smile as he saw Robin already seated.

"You're fast" he joked with her as he lowered himself into the seat next to her.

Robin slipped her hand into his. "As soon as your page said to meet you here I figured out what was up. I'm…I'm sorry I didn't remember."

He shook his head. "Don't be sorry – hell, I didn't remember until Alan called. How crazy is that?"

Both of their heads snapped up as Alan's towering frame filled the doorway. "Patrick, Robin – come in please."

His legs felt heavy as he rose to his feet. The feel of Robin's thumb moving in small circles around his palm soothed him and reminded him, yet again, that he wasn't alone.

They settled into the plush leather chairs as Alan pulled the beige folder from his desk. He opened the file and smiled. "Patrick, I'm pleased to tell  
you that you've tested negative for HIV."

Robin's hand gripped his as all the air rushed from his lungs. "Really?" he checked.

"Really" Alan nodded. "Every test you've had has been negative and so at this point I can confidently tell you that you're in the clear."

His vision blurred with the tears that had suddenly appeared. "Oh thank god" he whispered.

Robin threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly. "I am so happy for you" she said quietly, her lips near his ear. "So, so, so happy."

Oblivious to Alan, he folded his arms around her and held her closely to him. "I love you."

"Love you more" Pulling back from his embrace she wiped at her tears. "I hate to get the good news and run but…I…uh…I'm scrubbing in on a surgery and I have to prep"

There was something in Robin's tone, something in the way she stumbled over her words that caught Patrick's attention. He shot her a questioning look but she either didn't see it or pretended not to.

"I'm glad you were here" he told her, taking hold of her hand.

"Me too. We'll celebrate when I get home tonight – okay?" Rising from the chair, she leaned towards him and gently kissed his lips. "I'll see you later"

As she slowly let go of his hand, she stopped in front of Alan and placed a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you" she told him softly. "For all of it."

He nodded knowingly and watched her go, wishing yet again that he had been able to deliver the same news to her that he had just delivered to her boyfriend. He turned his attention back to Patrick, who sat slumped and his face shrouded in confusion.

"Patrick? Do you have any questions?"

"Huh?" he asked as he shook his head free of the cob webs.

"Do you have any questions?"

"No – I'm good. Thank you Alan – for everything."

He rose unsteadily to his feet and his rubbed his hands together. Smiling weakly he headed for the door but stopped as his hand hovered over the door knob. Slowly, he turned back to face the older doctor.

"Actually Alan, I do have one question"

Pulling his glasses from his face, Alan looked seriously at the young man before him. "What is it?"

"Shouldn't I…shouldn't this feel different?"

"What do you mean?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I guess – I guess I thought I would be happier but I'm not. I'm…I'm not sure how I feel."

Getting up from his chair, Alan walked towards him and gently placed his hand on his shoulder. "Patrick, you are dealing with another health crisis at the moment, one that is affecting you in ways that your exposure to HIV didn't. I'm not saying it's small potatoes but I do think your perspective on it is different now than it was a few months ago."

"Yeah – maybe" he replied, scrunching up his face. "Thanks again, Alan"

Robin stood on the rooftop, her jacket pulled tightly around her to ward off the winter chill and she stared unseeing at the city skyline. Tears streamed haphazardly down her face and her bottom lip trembled as she tried to swallow down her sobs.

She had felt immediate relief as Alan uttered the words 'negative for HIV'. Her heart had swelled to the point of bursting and she felt a rush of happiness unlike any other. But those had been fleeting feelings and they quickly gave way to something more unsettling, almost dark and she was at a loss to explain it.

She wanted Patrick to test negative. She had prayed for it for months – from the very moment he cut himself in that OR she had made wishes, tossed coins into fountains, given in to any superstition that would give her some sort of comfort that he would not be infected with HIV. Now that her hopes had come true she wondered why she felt so empty.

Shaking her head, she realized it wasn't emptiness she felt. What she felt was more profound than that. Her cheeks burned in shame and the tears started anew. Giving a small gasp she recognized that she was jealous and that shook her to her core.

Having always prided herself on her ability to put other people's needs ahead of her own, she was paralyzed by her negative reaction to Patrick's news. Reaching in to her coat pocket, she flipped open her cell phone and hit the speed dial button.

Taking a steadying breath she waited for the person to answer.

"Hey, it's Robin. Would you…could you meet at the hospital for a coffee? I really need to talk to someone." 


	42. Chapter 49

**Chapter 49**

I'm here for the hard times  
The straight to your heart times  
Whenever it ain't easy  
You can stand up against me

Her head lifted expectantly as the door to her lab creaked open. With red rimmed eyes and splotched cheeks, she was hardly in a position to put on a brave face and the reality was, she didn't want to. There were many times she could override her feelings and find the higher ground but today wasn't one of them.

As his broad shoulders filled the doorframe, she slipped from her stool and ran across the room to his open arms. She buried her face against his chest as tears left fresh tracks down her cheeks.

He closed his arms around her and held her tightly. "I've got you" he told her quietly.

The reassurance that she was anchored was exactly what she needed. Pulling away from his arms, she smiled apologetically. "I didn't mean to flood your sweater."

"This old thing?" he asked with a smile. "I'm not worried."

He kicked the door closed behind him and taking her hand, led her to the couch. Settling against the chocolate brown suede, he turned to her and waited. It had been a long time since he had received a phone call like that from Robin and Mac knew that he had to let her tell him in her own way and in her own time.

She dabbed at her eyes before balling the kleenex in her hand. With a watery smile, she took a deep shuddering breath.

"Patrick got his final HIV test result today" she said quietly.

Mac swallowed down the acrid lump that had quickly formed in his throat. He chewed on his lip unwilling to accept that the universe could possibly be this cruel. "Is he...did he test positive?"

"No. He's negative" she exhaled. "He's negative."

He furrowed his brow in confusion. "Okay -has there been some change with his tumour?"

Too overcome, she simply shook her head.

Mac reached for her hands and was amazed that even after all these years they were still so tiny and belying the strength she possessed. "This is good news, isn't it?" She nodded. "Then what is it Robin? What's wrong sweetheart?"

Horrified that she was about to speak out loud what she had only just realized herself, she covered her mouth with her hand. "I think...I think I'm jealous" she said with a strangled cry.

"Jealous?" Mac was beginning to feel like he was making the situation worse rather than better with his inability to figure out what the problem was.

"I'm...I'm jealous that he is negative and" she gulped greedily at the air, "and I'm jealous that I'm not."

She launched herself into his arms and sobbed against his shoulder. Stunned, Mac lovingly stroked her hair as he tried to figure out what to say. Not for the first time he wished that there was some kind of parenting handbook to cover all eventualities. Upon further reflection, he gave a small shake of his head - no handbook would ever conceive of this.

He soothingly rubbed her back until her sobs subsided. As she lifted her head, he tucked her hair behind her ears and kissed her forehead.

"I'm an awful person" she said as she dropped her gaze to her lap.

"No you aren't" His tone was emphatic as he tipped her chin upwards and met her eyes.

"Uncle Mac - my boyfriend who is already dealing with a potentially deadly brain tumour just tested negative for HIV and instead of being happy for him - instead of jumping for joy - I'm sitting here sobbing and jealous. I'm a fraud."

"Robin Anna Soltini Scorpio you are many things - brilliant, flawed, smart, demanding, brave and human - but you are not, under any circumstances a fraud."

"How can you say that?" she protested rising to her feet. "Look at me!! I am beseiged with envy that he is negative" she thumped her chest. "When he first cut himself in the OR, I told him that I would give anything for this not to have happened to him and now that it hasn't - now that he's in the clear I am petty and small. If that doesn't make me a fraud I don't know what will."

"Can I tell you what I think?"

"Please."

"I don't think you're jealous that Patrick tested negative-"

"Then how do you explain this?" she demanded, gesturing to her crumpled face.

Smiling patiently, he carried on. "Robin, I know you. I know you're heart and I know when you heard his results you were awash in gratitude and happiness and relief. You aren't jealous that he's negative but I do think you are jealous."

"If it's not his diagnosis, then what is it?"

"I think you're jealous that he got to hear those words from Alan and you never did."

Startled at the truth in his words, she pushed the heels of her hands against her eyes to stem the flow of new tears. "It's been 11 years" she said hoarsely, "I should be used to it by now."

"Why? I'm not."

She dropped her hands and her head snapped up in surprise. "What?"

"Sweetheart, it may be 11 years since you were diagnosed but it feels like yesterday for me. I can only imagine how it feels for you."

She flopped down beside him on the couch and sighed heavily.

He slid his arm around in a fatherly gesture of protection and tilting his head to the side, rested his on top of hers. "I've had a strange and interesting life Robin. I have seen way more than I ever wanted to - some good and some bad and I just kind of took it all in thinking that everything has a purpose. Everything except for this - Robin, I have struggled for more than a decade trying to figure out what would be the purpose in not only robbing you of your first love but in also having you face the same disease and I have to admit I can't find one."

His small sniffle echoed loudly in the cavernous lab. "Robin, I would give anything - including my life - to be able to take this from you."

She gasped. "Uncle Mac-"

"You are my daughter - you have grown in my heart as though you were my biological child and I wish - I wish you didn't have to deal with all of this. And so if the truth be told, I too am jealous of Patrick - not that's he's negative but that he got to hear that and you didn't."

Raw and exposed, they hugged each other for several moments. Robin chewed on her bottom lip. "I told Patrick we'd celebrate tonight but I don't...I don't how we should celebrate this."

"Celebrations don't always have to be elaborate or grand moments - it could be something simple and quiet."

"You're pretty wise, you know that?"

Mac smirked. "It's the gray hair"

"I felt like I was drowning in Alan's office," she admitted, "like there wasn't enough oxygen and I was going to suffocate under all of it."

"And now?"

"And now I feel like I can look him in the eye. Talking to you makes me feel less crazy."

"You aren't crazy" he told her gently. "Some days life hands us stuff that is heavier than we can carry and so when that happens, you need someone to help you carry the load."

Throwing her arms around his neck, she hugged him tightly. "I love you" she whispered, "and you are the best parent I have. I am so lucky to have you." 


	43. Chapter 50

**Chapter 50**

I have wished on every star that shot across my broken heart  
I am still amazed that you came true 

He stood outside the office door, his hand raised and ready to knock but he could not complete the movement. The news that he was HIV negative was a relief on many levels but he had been wholly unprepared for how off balance it left him feeling. In the early days after his exposure, he would dream about this day, dream about getting the news that he was fine. He expected that he would be dancing for joy, leaping about his office but now that the day had arrived he felt only relief and a strange sense of discomfort.

Biting the bullet, he rapped lightly on the door.

"Yeah?"

Pushing it open, he looked at his father who was squinting at the light board examining some film. With his elbow on the table, his chin rested in his palm and Patrick gave a slight smirk, knowing he examined film the exact same way.

"Bad time?" he asked.

Hearing his son's voice, Noah flipped off the board switch and swivelled round in his chair to face him. "Patrick" he greeted him softly, with a smile.

"Hey"

"Are you...I thought you didn't have radiation again until after Christmas?"

"I don't" he replied, slipping into the chair on the opposite side of his father's desk. "I...uh...Alan called and asked to see me"

Noah furrowed his brow together. "Oh?"

"He had the results of my final HIV test."

Noah swallowed thickly as he looked expectantly at his son. In his heart he believed he was negative - he simply had to pay. Patrick was already fighting against one invader, he couldn't be burdened with another. The universe was not that cruel - was it?

"And?" he prodded, hoping to keep his voice steady.

"I'm negative"

A large whoosh of breath escaped from the back of Noah's throat and he closed his eyes and said a silent prayer of gratitude. "I am so pleased for you" he told as he opened his eyes. He wanted to take his son in his arms and hug the stuffing out of him but was unsure how well that would be received. Looking at his son, he did a double take. There was something about the way he was holding his head, something about the way he kept glancing at the floor, that caught his attention.

"Sport? Is there something else?"

"No" he shook his head.

"You don't seem very happy."

"I am. I'm relieved."

"But not happy?"

Patrick shrugged. He had never really been one to talk about his feelings. In fact, he often moaned to Robin that he had done more talking about emotions in the months they had been together than he had in his entire life before her. And now he didn't know how to articulate what he was feeling. He was partly afraid that somehow, what he was feeling was wrong and he was reluctant to say it out loud in case it came out wrong or resulted in hurt feelings.

"I guess I'm just tired" he offered weakly. "Alan said that because of everything around the tumour that my perspective has likely changed and that's why I'm a little...muted...on the results."

"That makes sense" Noah confirmed.

But he knew that wasn't what it was. In the few moments he had watched Patrick struggle to answer his question, he had deduced exactly what his son's problem was. He may have missed a decade of his life and forfeited many of his rights as a father but nothing could change the fact that this was his son and he knew him better than anyone.

Uncomfortable with the tension hanging in the air, Patrick changed the subject. "What are you doing for Christmas? Working?"

"No" he shook his head. "I'm uh, I'm going to the Hamptons."

His eyes widened in surprise. "By yourself?"

Noah nervously licked his lips. "Yeah. I...uh...it's just..." he stammered. Pausing, he took a deep breath and started again. "I have to face my demons - all of them - I've worked every holiday I could to avoid thinking of your mom but it doesn't work. And that house is filled with good memories and I just wanted to be surrounded by them."

Patrick's cheeks flushed."I'm sorry - I should have..." He shook his head. "I should have asked you if you wanted to do something."

"No" he corrected, "we're not there yet Patrick." Noah's honest admission took them both by surprise. "We will be but I'd rather we do this in baby steps than have it all fall apart because we've rushed it."

"Okay" he nodded. "I was thinking after you gave me that ornament last night that I'd like to take Robin to the Hamptons at some point. I think she'd like the house."

The corners of his mouth twitched up in a smile. "I think she would too. It's your house as well Patrick and you are welcome to go there whenever you want."

"Th-thanks." Suddenly rising to his feet, he wiped his palms against the dark denim of his jeans. "I should go."

Noah stood as well and walked him to the door. "Thank you for coming and telling me" he said softly.

"Yeah"

Patrick turned to go and felt his father's hand on his shoulder. Turning to face him, he was surprised to find himself enveloped in his father's arms. Noah hugged him tightly and for just a moment, Patrick allowed himself to remember what the comfort of parent was like.

"I love you son" he told him. "And I'm really, really pleased about your test results."

Nodding wordlessly, Patrick slipped from his arms and outside the door.

Robin double checked the champagne before fishing her keys from her purse. Her conversation with Mac had left her exhausted but determined to make this a special night for Patrick. He had taken a risk all those months ago to operate when he was explicitly told not to. He had been told it was a hopeless case and he should walk away from it but he refused. There had been consequences, both good and bad, to his decision that day in July and this final test result was the end to one chapter and it needed to be celebrated, regardless of the feelings it stirred up in her.

Balancing the bag of food and the champagne on one hip, she expertly slid her key into the lock and pushed open the door. "I'm home" she called out.

Seeing her struggle with her full hands, Patrick jogged from the kitchen and took the packages from her. "Did you buy out Mr. Chang's?" he asked, shutting the door behind her.

"I promised you a celebration" she told him brightly. "And I don't know about you but that generally involves eating until I burst!" Reaching for the plastic bag she pulled out the champagne with great flourish. "I don't know if champagne goes with Kung Pow Chicken but what the heck, right?"

Feeling his throat close over Patrick swallowed thickly several times and dropped his gaze to the floor.

Sensing a sudden change in mood, Robin shifted from one foot to the other. "Don't tell me - champagne doesn't go with chinese and I've offended your palette?" she joked weakly.

Patrick shook his head, chewing on his bottom lip.

"Is it...is it the radiation? Is it already affecting your appetite? Oh god!" she smacked her forehead with the palm of her hand. "I didn't even think about it. Are you nauseous? Having difficulty digesting?"

Blowing out his cheeks, he reached across the breakfast bar and curled his hand around hers. "No, it's fine" he told her as he finally met her gaze. "My appetite is fine."

"Then what is it?" she asked uneasily.

"I..uh...I just don't feel like celebrating."

She dropped his hand. "What? Why? Did something happen?"

"No, nothing happened. It's just that I...uh..." his voice trailed off.

Coming around the breakfast bar and into the kitchen, she curled her fingers through his belt loops. "Patrick? Tell me."

"I can't" he moaned. "I'm going to screw it up."

Reaching up, she gently touched his cheek. "You can tell me anything. I'm not worried about whether it's graceful or not. You got some really, really good news today but you don't seem happy about it - you seem off."

His rich brown eyes bore deeply into hers. "So do you" he told her softly.

A small gasp escaped from the back of her throat as she tightened her grip on him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked her.

"Nope" she told him with a shake of her head. "I want to talk about you." Taking him by the hand, she led him from the kitchen to the living room and pulled him down beside her on the couch.

"Baby, what's going on?" she prodded gently.

"I don't want to celebrate" he replied simply.

"Why not?"

Taking her hand, he placed it, palm down, against his own and lightly trailed his fingertips across it. He loved the feel of her skin - it was smooth and warm and soothing. Inhaling sharply, he dove in. "It feels wrong to celebrate."

"Because of the tumour?"

"Because of you"

Robin recoiled slightly. "Wh-what? What do you mean?"

His fingers traced a continual pattern over her hand. "It..it would be wrong" he began cautiously. "It would be wrong to celebrate not having something that you do. I don't want to celebrate being negative."

"Patrick-"

"I mean it Robin" he interjected, "I'm relieved that I'm negative but I don't want to celebrate."

"Patrick I am really, truly happy for your results."

"I know" he assured her. "And I love you for it. I never would have made it through those early, dark moments without you telling how to put one foot in front of the other but it makes me sad that you'll never get to hear what I heard today."

Her eyes welled with tears as she wondered how she could have ever doubted that he wouldn't understand her conflicting feelings. He swiped with his thumb at the first tear that had snuck down her face.

"In Alan's office I felt relief and happiness for a moment" he confessed, "but then I just felt weird. Alan told me it was probably because of how my focus is on something else right now but I knew even then that it was because you never got that moment. You never had the options I had and I so wish that had been available to you."

Shaking her head, she flashed him a watery smile. "You never cease to amaze me" she told him.

"How's that?"

"In the first few months that I knew you, I told myself in my head and told you out loud more than once that you had the depth of a mud puddle but really, it was just an act. You are more caring and compassionate than anyone would ever guess and I love you more every day for it."

Momentarily stunned, he pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. "If I'm that way " he whispered against her ear, "it's because you make it okay for me to be like that."

Snaking her arms around his waist, she laid her head to rest on his chest. "Okay, so no big celebration but we still have chinese food and champagne - what do you want to do?"

Dipping his head, he gently captured her lips with his own. "Strip race cars" he whispered.

Throwing her head back, Robin let out a throaty laugh. "You're on! I'll get the food - you get the track."

Patrick watched as she slid from his lap and headed for the kitchen. Turning to the side table, he picked up the list he had started and folding it, shoved it in to his back pocket. By no means complete, it was at least the start of his plan to give her the memories of a lifetime.


	44. Chapter 51

Chapter 51

**Chapter 51**

Belief is a beautiful armour

"Are you going to let me see the films or what?" Patrick asked impatiently.

Eric cocked his eyebrow and fixed his friend with a look. "You're a patient. Do you normally let patients look at their films?"

Stifling a groan Patrick exhaled slowly. "Nooooo. However, I actually happen to be a neurologist and I know how to read films. So..."

"Meh. You're still a patient," he replied with a shrug.

"Fuck you Smitty" he snapped, "let me see the goddamn films!"

Taking care not to react to his outburst, Eric eyed him carefully. Swivelling the light board around to face him, he leaned back in his chair and studied his friend as he studied his MRI. Eric had been consulting with colleagues at his hospital regarding Patrick's treatment and prognosis and they had all come to the same conclusion, shrinking the tumour was absolutely necessary if surgery was going to be successful. But tumours tended to shrink slolwy and in the process Patrick would still feel all the side effects of both having a mass pressing against his brain as well as the radiation.

"It doesn't seem bigger" Patrick observed quietly.

Eric shook his head. "Nope. It would seem at the very least we have stalled its growth and that is good news."

Patrick pursed his lips together and gave his friend a skeptical look. "I'm not sure I would call it good news but at least it's something."

"Pansty, you have got to be the glass half full guy here-"

"Spare me your fucking rah rah speech, okay?" The words had no sooner left his mouth than his eyes widened in shock. "God, Smitty -I'm sorry. I, uh...I snap and I don't even realize it most of the time."

"I know" he reassured him kindly. "It's all part of what's going on in your noggin and you're going to have cut yourself some slack."

Patrick smirked.

"What?"

"You're the second person to tell me that."

"Then perhaps you might like to start following the advice?"

"You're really kind of a snotbag when you want to be, you know that?" he teased.

"In fact, I do." Eric looked at his watch. "Look, why don't we sneak out, grab a beer and some wings and stop playing doctor for a while?"

"Sounds like a plan. I'll swing by to see Robin and let her know we're going out." Seeing his friend's wide smirk, Patrick jokingly narrowed his eyes "What?"

"I'm just enjoying this new side of you. I think it's called whipped."

"Bite me"

Laughing, Eric pushed back his chair and stood up. "I'm pretty sure that's Robin's job. I'll meet you in the lobby."

"'Kay - give me 10" Patrick said as he darted from the room.

Eric watched as he left before turning his attention back to the light board. His suggestion for drinks was more than just a chance to hang out with his best friend; he suspected that Patrick, like many of patients in similar circumstances, was learning to cover his behaviour - especially in a formal setting like a hospital. It has started to slip out during their appointment and he hoped that a social setting might give him a better understanding of where Patrick really was.

After all, films never told the whole story.

"Robin!"

At the sound of her name, she lifted her head from the chart she was reading and grinned. Stepping off the hub, she crouched down and held her arms open as Kristina sprinted into them, hugging her tightly.

"Hi Kristina"

"It's almost Christmas" the little girl announced confidently. "Only two more sleeps and then Santa comes."

"That's right" she agreed. "And did you tell Santa what you wanted for Christmas?"

The young girl nodded sagely. "I asked him to take mommy's cancer away."

Robin swallowed thickly as she smiled at Kristina. "That was...that's a great thing to ask for sweetie. Did you ask for anything for yourself?"

She shook her head.

"Kristina! How many times do I have to tell you NOT to run off" Alexis snapped tightly as she rounded the corner.

"But mommy, I saw Robin."

"That's fine but you still aren't supposed to run ahead of me." Alexis smiled at Robin. "Especially when mommy can't run after you" she added under her breath. "How are you Robin?"

"I'm great" she smiled brightly as she rose to her feet, holding on to Kristina's hand.

"Really?" she queried.

Robin raised her eyebrows questioningly.

"I ran in to Patrick a couple of weeks ago and he filled me in on what's going on with him," she offered by way of explanation.

"Ah." She gave a small shrug. "I really am okay - I mean we're adjusting to things but it's going well. How about you? How are you feeling?"

The lawyer exhaled quietly. "I'm getting better. And I'm done with chemo for the next three weeks so it may be a happy holiday season after all."

"That's wonderful Alexis" she told her genuinely. "What are your plans for the-"

"There you are" Patrick called, striding towards her. He brushed his lips against hers before noticing Alexis and Kristina. "Oh, hi" he greeted them, somewhat apologetically.

"How are you Patrick?" Alexis asked.

"I'm doing okay, thanks. You?"

"Me too." Alexis held out her hand to Kristina, "Come on sweetheart, say goodbye to Robin - we have to get going."

"Oh, don't leave on my account" he said. "I'm just swinging by to tell you," he turned his attention to Robin, "that Eric and I are going to go grab a beer."

"How did your appointment go?"

"Fine."

"Fine? I don't get more than fine? What did Eric say?"

His brown eyes darkened immediately. "Jesus Christ Robin, do you want a word for word re-enactment? I said it's fine, IT'S FINE"

Kristina dropped her hand and ran to her mother, wrapping her arms around her leg and looking up at Patrick in shock. Robin's lips parted slightly as the air escaped from her lungs. She saw regret wash over Patrick's face as his hand covered his mouth.

"I am so sorry" he apologized urgently.

"It's okay" she told him with a small smile.

He gave a small shake of his head. "I didn't mean to-"

"I know" she reassured him. They stared at each other for several beats and Robin reached for his hand. "Go ahead and meet up with Eric - I'll see you later tonight."

Dipping his head towards her, he bussed her lips. "I love you" he whispered.

"I love you too."

Stealing one last kiss, he turned and gave a small, sheepish wave to Alexis and bolted quickly to the elevators, embarrassed by his outburst.

Blowing out her cheeks, Robin sank on to the couch. Alexis smiled kindly at the young doctor. She was familiar with both the anger of being sick and with being on the receiving end of someone else's frustration. Her heart went out to her friend. "Robin, is there anything I can do?"

Inhaling quietly, she looked up at the lawyer. "Would you like to come for dinner tonight?" she asked suddenly. "Bring Kristina and Molly."

She furrowed her brow. "Are you sure?"

Robin nodded. "I would...I would really like the company I think. We can eat whatever you want - popcorn, animal crackers."

She grinned. "I'm actually tolerating solid food these days."

"Great - why don't you come around 7?"

"Okay" she replied with a small nod. "We'll be there." Taking Kristina by the hand, they walked to the elevator.

Flopping back against the soft couch, Robin ran her hands over her face. This was going to get easier. It simply had to.

Eric slid the pitcher of beer on to the table before slipping into his seat. Jake's was filled with the after work crowd and weary shoppers taking refuge from the mall madness. He watched as Patrick reached for the plastic jug to pour the drinks; the small tremor in his hand was still evident and he groaned inwardly. Patrick had said he had been tremor free for more than week All evidence currently pointed to the contrary. Accepting the beer from his friend, he leaned back against his chair.

"So Pantsy - it's your first Christmas as a taken man. Did you give in to the pressure to get her a fancy gift - some large piece of bling perhaps? Or is she getting a box of chocolates you bought last minute at the pharmacy?"

Chuckling, he shook his head. "Oh ye of little faith. As it happens, I'm taking her out of town for New Year's Eve - she doesn't know it yet but she will when she opens her present."

He let out a low whistle. "Wow - you went big right out of the gate. Where are you taking her?"

"Edinburgh" he replied proudly.

"In winter?"

"It's not like it's Moscow" he interjected defensively. "It's home to one of the best New Year's parties on the planet - Hogmanay. And we're going to go."

"I'm impressed."

Patrick laughed "I'm glad - however you're not exactly my target audience. I'm hoping she will be"

"I have no doubt" Eric reassured him. "What prompted you to get so ambitious for a first Christmas gift?" he asked curiously.

"It's not ambitious" he replied quickly. "I just...I want to give her moments - memories - memories to last a lifetime."

He arched his eyebrow. "Are you planning on going somewhere without her? Somewhere that would require her to have a lifetime of memories."

Patrick gave a small shrug. "I just made a list of things I want to do for...with Robin."

"A list. Is this a list of things to do before you die?"

"N-no"

"Cause you're not dying" he told him angrily, "not on my watch"

"I know that."

"Do you? Do you really? Because you need to believe it Pantsy - you can't just pay lip service to it."

"Smitty I'm a realist. This thing killed my mother and-"

"And nothing" he interrupted. "I'm not diminishing what happened to your mother but that was 10 years ago and from what I know, her case was very late in being diagnosed That's not the same situation with you. If you want to make a list of things to sweep your girlfriend off her feet - great - have at it. But a to-do before you die list? That's a non-starter."

"Eric-"

"Are you giving up?"

"No but I'm no Pollyanna either. My tumour isn't smaller."

"Well it ain't bigger and for right now, I'm calling that good progress."

Patrick sighed heavily. "You're going to beat me into submission, aren't you?"

"Or at least have fun trying" he answered with a smirk. "Look Pantsy, when I was sick, I refused to accept that I was going to die."

"You always were too stubborn for your own good."

"Yeah, well, now it's your turn. You have a woman that loves you and is standing by you. You owe it to yourself and to her to fight with everything you have."

"Are you done lecturing me now?" he asked good naturedly.

Taking another long sip from his beer, he smiled. "In fact I am. So - what else do you have on this magical list of yours?"

Not quite meeting his friend's eyes, he pursed his lips together. "This and that."

Eric narrowed his eyes knowingly. "Do you...do you have the list with you?"

"No" he answered quickly.

His eyes widened and he laughed out loud. "Oh my god. You DO have it with you. You are so far gone! Hand over the list."

"No"

Eric held his hand out across the table. "Hand over the list" he demanded.

"I really hate it when you mock me" he grumbled.

"Then you probably shouldn't make it so easy"

"Whatever" he sighed heavily. Reaching in to his back pocket, he fished out his wallet and pulled the folded piece of paper and carefully, reluctantly handed it to his friend.

Taking it, Eric unfolded it and scanned it. "Are these in order?"

"Not necessarily." Patrick's cheeks burned red. He hadn't really had any intention of actually sharing his list with anyone - not even Robin. There was a part of him that thought it hokey or cheesy but it mattered to him and he didn't want to be to ridiculed for it or for his desire to provide the woman he loved with great moments.

"Who is Brenda?"

"Robin's best friend. We've not met and I thought Robin might like to go to Rome and see her."

Eric nodded and turned his attention back to the paper. "A Rangers/Devils game? Seriously? She cheers for the Devils?"

A playful smile formed on Patrick's face. "I think she only does it to provoke me. She has this Brodeur sweater she insists on wearing and irritates me. So I thought I'd take her to the Garden and let her see how the big boys do it."

"I see. And the trip to the Hamptons?"

"My dad still has the house there and I thought...I thought she might like a chance to go there. And I think maybe I'm ready to go back there too."

He nodded knowingly and went to the next item on the list. "What is the cabin?"

"It's none of your business" Patrick answered quickly.

"Fair enough. And seeing Paris through Robin's eyes?"

"I want to show her New York through my eyes and I want to see Paris through hers. She was there for eight years."

Eric smiled and carefully folded the list before passing it back to his friend. "You really do have it bad," he observed kindly.

"I do" he agreed. "I didn't know it was possible and you know what's ironic?"

"What?"

"I used to avoid relationships because I didn't want to be tied down - I was afraid of losing my freedom."

"So what changed?"

"I guess I've discovered that being in love isn't being tied down and I haven't lost my freedom - I've just...I've gained more."


	45. Chapter 52

**Chapter 52**

How I love you, every square inch  
Love your brown eyes and your forgiveness

Robin swiped at the ketchup that had dribbled on her chin as she grinned at Alexis. "You know, I loved Paris – loved the food, loved the wine, loved the museums but there are just some things the French cannot do"

"Bacon cheeseburgers?" she offered before taking a bite.

"Exactly!" she laughed. "They always want to put brie or beets or some such on it when all I wanted was a good old American burger – greasy, cheesy and bacony."

"Bacony?"

"What? It's a word."

"You must be a nightmare to play scrabble against" Alexis mused.

"Creativity is an important thing" she replied with a shrug and an impish grin. "I have to say it's good to see you with such a healthy appetite."

Alexis nodded her agreement. "Believe me I'm happy to have a healthy appetite again. I was overdosing on protein shakes and power bars," she shuddered. "So….."

Knowing where her friend was heading, Robin gave her a wry smile. "Do I need to be sworn in before I'm cross-examined?" she asked teasingly.

"Hmmm" she tapped her chin. "I think you can be trusted to answer truthfully without having to swear."

"What do you want to know?"

"How are you? And 'I'm fine' is not a suitable answer."

Robin inhaled sharply. Despite Brenda's persistence, she only skimmed the surface when talking with her and other than a few conversations with Mac she had not really given voice to her feelings about Patrick's illness, not even to herself. The question of how she was seemed simple but the answer was enormously complicated.

"I'm okay" she offered. Seeing the look of scepticism on her friend's face she persisted. "Really. Some days are great and other days aren't and on balance, I'm okay."

"So today, when he snapped at you – that's not a great day?"

At the perceived slight against her boyfriend, Robin jumped to his defense. "I'm not angry with him Alexis. He can't control those outbursts – it part and parcel of where his tumour is located and what that pressure does to his emotional reactions. He is doing the very best he can."

Holding up her hands, she smiled kindly at the young doctor. "I surrender. Robin, I wasn't finding fault with him, not at all. My tumour isn't in my brain and I still snap at people. But understanding why he is reacting the way he is doesn't necessarily lessen the impact of it."

Reaching for her chocolate milkshake, Robin sucked greedily on the straw. "I know but I'm trying to be supportive of him. Alexis, he has been so good to me. He refused to walk away last fall when I gave him every reason to. I was, at times, irrational and angry and difficult but he stayed and he fought for me."

"He loves you Robin," she told her softly.

"And I love him."

"But that doesn't mean losing yourself in the process. I know that me having cancer has impacted everyone in my life – Molly and Kristina, Sam, Ric and even Jax and Sonny. And I know what you've been through with Stone and with Jason and so I would imagine that Patrick's illness is bringing up some difficult memories for you."

Leaning back in her chair she pulled her legs up underneath her. Alexis was not the first person to suggest to her that this was reminiscent of what happened with Stone and she agreed that on some level, it felt painfully familiar. But she was consciously trying to live in the present and deal with the situation in front of her, not the memories it awakened.

"Patrick isn't dying" she said sharply.

"There are worse things than dying"

After a long pause, she slowly nodded. "I know" she whispered.

"Are you scared?"

Her tongue darted from her mouth and swiped at her lips. "Yeah. I am" she admitted. It was strangely liberating to say it out loud.

"Of what?" she asked kindly.

"Of losing him. Of losing him in a 100 different ways – he is already changed. He is fatigued from the radiation – not that he'd admit it, but I can see it. And he has these tiny seizures in his sleep. He is becoming less sure of himself and that's hard to see" she confessed quietly. "Though I try not to feed his ego, I love his confidence and his cockiness and it's hard to watch that start to ebb."

"That's part of being sick."

"I know." She sighed heavily. "I just….I need him to be okay Alexis. I…I never – I really believed that I wasn't going to find love again. Patrick has been the most amazing surprise and he is in my heart in a way that no one else has ever been. I have paid my dues for this – I have earned this chance and I don't care if it sounds selfish or not but I want my happy ending."

"It doesn't sound selfish and you'll get no argument from me. You deserve this Robin and it's okay to say so."

Wiping away the first signs of tears that had appeared she smirked. "I didn't mean to get all weepy."

"It's okay," she reassured her. "Robin, you and I are bonded by a pretty big moment – you delivered my daughter and you saved my life. It would be impossible for me to repay that but I do want you to know that I am here for you in any way that you need – as a lawyer, a sounding board or a friend."

Getting up from her chair, Robin crossed to the couch and threw her arms around Alexis, hugging her tightly. "I can't tell you how much that means to me."

"Any time Robin."

"Uh-oh Smitty, I think we came at a bad time" Patrick announced as the two men stood in the doorway.

Breaking the embrace, Robin and Alexis both looked at the door in surprise. "You guys are back early," Robin smiled. "Did Coleman kick you out?"

Patrick shut the door behind them and kicked off his snowy shoes. "Have you ladies not looked outside? It's a blizzard out there – the city has shut down. They've ordered people off the roads."

Walking to the window, Robin pulled back the curtains and stared in shock at the scene before her. Snow was coming down in sheets and everything was blanketed. She turned back to the couch.

"I think you and Kristina are going to be bunking with us"

"Do you have room?" Alexis was trying very hard not to look at Eric but that became nearly impossible when he sat down beside her.

"We do. You and Kristina can have the guest bedroom and Eric, you can sleep on the pull out couch in the office if that's okay?"

He smiled. "Have you become soft since your residency?" he teased. "I can still sleep anywhere – on the floor, standing up in the shower…"

"That's quite a talent" Alexis remarked, meeting his blue eyes before looking away quickly.

Settling into the chair and holding his hand out to Robin, he noticed his friend's cheeks flush slightly and he was amused. "Oh Eric has many talents Alexis."

He laughed out loud as a pillow sailed towards his head.

Intercepting the pillow, Robin set it on the ground before sliding on to Patrick's lap. She draped her arm around his shoulder and placed a soft kiss on his neck. "Did you guys have a good night?"

"I beat him at pool" Eric offered.

"Hardly an accomplishment" Robin sniffed. "I think Kristina could beat him at pool."

"Hey!" Patrick protested. "You are a mean, mean woman. Speaking of which –where is Kristina?"

"Robin set her up in the office watching Lemony Snicket. She's read all the books."

"So have I" Eric admitted.

All three looked at him in shock.

"What? They're good books."

"Sure they are" Patrick teased. "If you're six."

"Bite me Pantsy"

"Show me where"

Groaning, Robin rolled her eyes. "Speaking of being six. Did you guys regress or something?"

Ignoring her comment, Patrick looked at the remnants from their burgers and smiled at his girlfriend. "Bacon cheeseburgers?"

"Of course" she grinned. "And we were just about to have ice cream – do you guys want some?"

"Hell yes" Patrick agreed.

Alexis went in search of Kristina while Robin headed to the kitchen. She could hear the two boys teasing and arguing with each other. The sound of their laughter filled the apartment and she felt her tension begin to wash away.

She returned from the kitchen with a loaded down tray and Patrick jumped up from his seat and relieved her of the ice cream laden tray, setting down on the table. There were five bowls of vanilla and chocolate ice cream along with crushed peanuts, hot fudge sauce, caramel sauce and maraschino cherries.

"If we're going to be snowed in, we might as well enjoy ourselves" Robin said, settling on the floor.

Flopping on to the couch, Kristina eyed Eric. "Hi Kristina" he greeted her with a smile. "I'm Eric – we met a little while ago at the hospital."

The young girl furrowed her brow before breaking into a wide smile. "Hi"

"Are you going to have a sundae?" he asked.

"Yah"

"It's yes not yah" Alexis corrected gently.

"Yes" Kristina repeated.

"Good" he grinned, "me too."

"Kristina, I brought you some grape juice too" Robin told her. "It's in the blue cup."

Conversation flowed easily between the four and Alexis regaled them with some of her most bizarre cases from her time as District Attorney. They compared places they had traveled to, movies they had seen and favourite songs. Robin did her best to persuade Eric to spill more stories about Patrick's hijinx in college but he claimed the presence of a child in the room as an excuse not to.

Still on the floor, Robin leaned back against the chair Patrick was sitting in and sighed happily as his fingers threaded through her hair. His touch always sent electricity coursing through her body.

Alexis did a double take as her normally reserved daughter climbed into Eric's lap and began to play with the button on his shirt.  
"You're tall" she told him confidently.

"Yes I am"

"Are you a giant?"

"Not quite."

Her curiosity got the better of her. "How did you get to be so tall?"

"Kristina!" Alexis sighed with slight embarrassment, blushing as Eric winked at her.

"My mom says I got sprinkled with pixie dust one night and when I woke up the next morning I was this tall" he teased.

Kristina pulled on her bottom lip as she considered his answer. "Nooooooo"

"You don't believe me?" he asked with mock hurt in his voice.

"There's no such thing as pixie dust" she stated. Unsteadily raising her juice cup to her lips, she slipped and spilled it down the front of Eric's light blue shirt.

"Oh NO!" she cried, her eyes filling with tears.

"Oh Kristina!" Alexis sighed.

Eric shook his head. "It's fine." Picking up the young girl, he set her gently down on the floor and reached for a pile of napkins.

"I am so sorry" Alexis stammered.

"It's just a shirt" he reminded her gently as he headed to the kitchen in search of a damp cloth.

Patrick got up at the same time. "Get that off you Smitty and we'll throw it in the wash. I'll get you a t-shirt from my room."

Feeling badly, Alexis followed Eric to the kitchen, stopping short as he peeled off his shirt. Face to face with his broad shoulders and lightly tanned skin, she felt her throat constrict. A four-leaf clover tattoo sat on his shoulder and the image of a phoenix rising from the ashes adorned his back.

Sensing someone behind him, he looked over his shoulder. "Hey"

"I am really sorry" she repeated.

Turning around, he leaned against the kitchen counter. "Alexis really – no harm, no foul."

"I'll buy you a new shirt." Her neck reddened as she drank in his lean frame. Unconsciously, she adjusted her wig.

"It's not necessary" he told her with a touch of bemusement in his voice.

"So…uh….big plans for Christmas?" she asked nervously. "Time with your family?"

He shook his head. "My parents are on the west coast."

"Oh. So…uh….do you go to your girlfriend's family for dinner?" She cringed the minute the question left her mouth and she wondered when exactly it was that she turned into a teenager.

Eric grinned and folded his arms across his chest. "I don't have a girlfriend" he said. "I work on Christmas – always have."

She could feel her cheeks blush. "I see. Well…erm….that's good."

He arched his eyebrow in amusement. "What's good? That I don't have a girlfriend or that I'm working on Christmas?"

"Uh…um…."

"Here you go" Patrick interrupted them, tossing a t-shirt to him.

Alexis took the opportunity to escape from the most difficult situation she had put herself in and headed back to the living room. Using Kristina as an excuse, she headed to the guest bedroom to get her daughter ready for bed.

His hands jammed in his jeans pocket, Patrick gave Robin a tired smile. "I'm going to take a shower" he told her quietly.

Reaching for his hand she pulled it from his pocket and began to massage the very visible cramp. At least three times a week, Patrick's hand would tremble and then curl up in a painful cramp. Once the cramp was relieved he would stand under a very hot shower to ward off any further incidents.

Gently pulling his hand from her, he brushed his lips against hers kissing her lightly. "I won't be long" he told her before looking at his friend. "And I'll see you in the morning."

"Good night Pantsy," Eric said watching the scene before him very carefully.

Robin stared after him as he ambled down the hallway to the bathroom. Once out of sight, she turned back to Eric. "I need you to tell me the truth" she told him, holding his gaze.

He sank down on to the couch. "Shoot"

"How is he? And I mean really – don't pull punches."

Eric tiredly ran his hands over his face. "The good news is the tumour's growth seems to be stalled."

"What's the bad news?" she asked, chewing nervously on her bottom lip.

"It's not smaller. You and I both know the sooner I can get it out of his head, the better off he'll be but I would prefer not to operate until we've got it a little smaller."

"But you could do it now, if you had to?"

Inhaling sharply, he gave a small nod. "But the risks of permanent side effects are always higher."

"Eric, he is struggling with this-"

"I know" he interjected. "But I don't want to trade one problem for another and that is very well what could happen if I go in right now. Let's give the radiation some more time to work"

"I just want it over. He's trying so hard to be brave for me-"

"And you're trying to be brave for him" he observed softly. "Look Robin, far be it from me to meddle in anyone's relationship but have you two talked honestly – I mean really honestly about how you are both feeling about this?"

She gave a small shrug. "We talk."

"Of that I have no doubt" he replied with a smile.

"Eric, I know what it means to stand by someone I love when they are sick. I know what it entails and while this isn't what I would choose for me and more importantly for Patrick, it is what it is and we are going to get through it."

Patrick stood at the entrance to the living room, listening to the conversation between his best friend and his girlfriend. Thinking better of joining them, he slipped away, sight unseen, and headed to his bedroom.

Eric flashed a kind smile at Robin. "You and I both know that sometimes the best medical decisions aren't the most expedient ones but I am trying to stick to what I believe is the best course of treatment for him. If you know of a drug, even in the experimental stages that could work, I am open to suggestions."

She sighed heavily and gave a small shake of her head. "I don't – I've called all my contacts and there wasn't anything they were willing to recommend."

"Okay, well you keep beating the bushes and in the meantime we'll keep going in the direction we are."

"I know you're doing everything you can for him Eric. I don't mean to sound ungrateful because I'm not. It's just, I'm…"

"Frustrated?" he offered.

"Yeah" she agreed.

"Me too" he admitted. "But I'm not giving up.

"Me either." Rising from the couch, she smiled gratefully at him. "Good night Eric."

Robin headed to the bedroom and creaking open the door, slipped inside the room. Changing into a pair of Patrick's boxers and a tank top, she slid into bed beside him, jumping slightly as his arms encircled her.

"I thought you were asleep"

"Can't sleep without you in my arms" he told herm, nuzzling her neck.

"Is this where you compare me to a blankie again?" She smiled as his laughter reverberated against her skin.

He traced his finger tips along her collar bone and down her arms. He left a trail of small kisses in their wake. "I love you" he said softly. "And I'm sorry about snapping at you today."

Running her finger along his bottom lip, she shook her head. "I don't need an apology, I just need you."

"I would do anything for you, you know. Including letting you go, if that's what you needed."

A small gasp escaped from her throat and even in the dark, her rich brown eyes widened. She burrowed closer to him, her legs threading through his.

"I don't want you to let me go. Not ever." 


	46. Chapter 53

a/n: there is a small smut warning to this chapter. Don't read if not appropriate.

**Chapter 53**

I am hopelessly  
Shamelessly  
Anointed with you

The room was pitch black except for the slivers of moonlight creeping in through the slits in the blinds. The only sound to be heard was the soft ripple of Robin's breath as she slept curled up in a sea of blankets. The navy flannel pyjama pants were slung low on his hips as he leaned in the doorway.

He loved to watch her sleep.

Her face was always serene, her lips were parted in an almost permanent invitation to be kissed and there was warmth to be found in her body.

He envied her sleep.

His mind was seemingly in a constant state of overdrive most nights and when he finally did manage to fall asleep, it never lasted for long. Pulling the door closed behind him, he padded quietly to the living room.

The Christmas tree blinked brightly in the far corner and he could not keep the smile from his face as he walked past it to open the curtains to the night sky. It had been his first tree is more than a decade. A time of celebration for almost everyone else, had proven to be little more than a painful reminder of loss for him.

When he was living in New York, he and Eric always volunteered to cover the Christmas shifts and let those with wives and husbands and kids go home to them. It was easier to work than deal with wounds that refused to heal – or wounds he refused to let heal.

But like so many other aspects of his life in the last year, it was different now. They had spent the evening at her uncle Mac's house for the traditional Scorpio Christmas Eve party and he had loved it. They had pulled Christmas crackers and he had proudly worn his purple paper crown on his head and traded the blue noisemaker for the red plastic race car that Maxie had found inside her cracker.

Mac had even pulled the slide projector and much to the chagrin of his daughters and niece, put some of their most embarrassing photos on display for all to see. The peals of laughter still echoed in his ears and he understood how much he had missed; how much it mattered to belong.

For a few hours that night all thoughts of brain tumours were driven from his mind and he had felt lighter than he had in months.  
Pausing by the bookshelf, he picked up the leather frame that Robin had placed there. Cradling it in his hands he stared at the photos of his family – the only mementos had had carried with him. His anger and his disappointment took up so much room they were the only thing that would fit.

He traced his finger over his mother's image and sighed quietly. He missed her.

His tongue swept against the inside of his cheek and stopped just above his molar. He could feel the beginning of a sore forming in his mouth. His body was already responding to the effects from the radiation but his tumour was not.

Looking down again at the photo, he glanced at the photo of his parents dancing and the loving way his father gazed at his mother.

He missed his family.

Still carrying the photo, he walked to the couch and sank into the soft seat. He set the frame down on the table in front of him before leaning back to watch the snow drift down the ground below.

He wasn't getting better. Not fast enough, anyway. Surgery was going to be the only option and it terrified him. It wasn't just fear of dying on the table as his mother had; it was the fear of it going wrong, of him having any number of the possible complications – loss of mobility, loss of speech, loss of rational thought. That would be worse than dying.

Who would want him then?

He looked over at the wrapped box under the tree and exhaled slowly. The possibilities of permanent complications were what made his list so important. If it all went wrong, if he died or if he became unrecognizable, at least Robin would have memories – good memories.

"If you don't go to bed, Santa won't come"

Robin's sleepy voice pulled him from the depths of his thoughts and turning his head towards her, he smiled.

"Santa came early this year"

Crossing to the couch, she sat down beside him and curled her body towards his. She threaded her fingers through the fine wisps of hair that lay tantalizingly against the back of his neck.

"He did?"

Patrick nodded and brushed his lips over hers. "He brought me you."  
He closed his eyes as he felt her breath float over his skin as she exhaled.

"You have quite a way with words Doctor Drake" she told him playfully.

"Why Doctor Scorpio, I think you'll find that some of my best work is non-verbal."

Robin grinned and nipped at his lips. The frame, perched on the coffee table caught her eye and raising her hand, she stroked his cheek with her fingertips.

"Missing your mom?" she asked gently.

"A little I guess," he admitted, though it was hard to do so.

He had compartmentalized his life so precisely and tried not to let the compartments intersect. It had worked for years but in the last few months the boundaries between compartments had blurred and it was all feeling very messy.

Rising to her feet, she pulled his New York Rangers shirt down so that it skimmed her knees. "I'm going to make some hot chocolate – want some?"

He looked out the window at the snow falling and felt the peace that this night could provide if you let it and he turned back to her. "Yeah – that would be great."

As she waited for the kettle to boil she leaned against the breakfast bar and stared at her boyfriend, staring at the photo. Christmas could be one of the most fulfilling times of the year or one of the loneliest. From her own experience she knew that you could be surrounded by every person who loves you yet if the person you wished for most was missing, there was simply no filling that void.

For years she believed her parents had died in an explosion and while she never lacked for love in her life – not even for a moment – Christmas always drove home the point that they were gone.

She knew if she pushed him, she could get him to talk about his mother and about Christmas in the Drake household. But she didn't want to push him. She wanted him to offer those memories freely because he was comfortable enough to share them, if not now then later. They were building something magical between them and she believed there was time to get to it all.

As the kettle whistled through the kitchen, she retrieved two mugs from the cupboard and spooned cocoa mix into them before filling them with the steaming water. Opening another cupboard, she plopped two marshmallows into each mug for good measure before heading back to the living room.

She passed him a mug before settling in next to him. Patrick reached for the soft afghan and draped it over both of them.  
"I had fun tonight" he told her as he pressed his lips against her temple.

"Really?"

He nodded. "I especially liked the humiliating photos" he added with a grin.

She groaned. "How did I know that would be your favourite part?"

"Any chance to see you dressed as a hula girl is okay by me"

Giggling, she tucked in closer to him linking her fingers through his. "I may still have that costume and if you play your cards right, I could be persuaded to model it for you."

His eyes widened in excitement. "Yeah? I'm a very" he dipped his head and kissed her lips, "very good card player."

She waggled her eyebrows and grinned. "So did you and Eric have any Christmas traditions when you were roommates?"

Patrick took a drink of his hot chocolate, wincing slightly as the hot liquid came into contact with his mouth. He gave a small shrug as he set his mug down. "We'd usually work. We'd tape the Christmas day basketball games and when our shift was over, we'd grab some beers, some ribs and watch them until we fell asleep."

"How very manly of you" she teased.

He jokingly kissed each of his biceps. "That's right – I am all man."

Bringing her legs to her chest, Robin rested the mug on her knees. "So had Eric really not had a girlfriend in six years?"

He arched his eyebrow curiously. "Why? Thinking of tossing me over for a taller model?"

"Never" she replied with a smile. "You're perfect. I'm just curious how a nice guy like him goes so long without a girlfriend."

"How did a nice girl like you go so long without a boyfriend?" he asked, a hint of defensiveness creeping into his tone.

Robin was both amused and impressed by his readiness to protect his friend from any slight, real or perceived. That was the thing about Patrick that she had come to learn and love – there were no half measures with him, once he was on your side it was all the way.

"My situation is complicated" she reminded him gently.

"So is his" Patrick replied. "Robin, he nearly died. Some of our residents used to refer to him as walking dead. And though he survived, it wasn't without a price."

"He told me he can't have kids"

"It's more than that. The surgery removed both his testicles and he no longer produces testosterone; he wears a testosterone patch. There are more than a few girls who turned him down when they found out about him."

Robin inhaled sharply, understanding exactly how that kind of rejection could cut a person to the quick and force them to shut themselves off.

"I think Alexis likes him" she offered.

"Are you matchmaking?"

"Do you think he'd be open to it?"

"I think he might be – it's possible I noticed him checking her out." Pausing, Patrick reached out and tangled his fingers through her long hair.

"What?" She was suddenly shy under his gaze.

"I like that you're looking out for my friend."

"I like that you're sharing your friend and your life with me," she told him quietly.

Cupping his face, she attaches her mouth to his and kisses him deeply, slowly and passionately. She swallowed down his groan before gradually letting go of his lips.

"You know" she began, her lips still lingering closely to his, "technically it's Christmas morning."

"Your point?" he asked teasingly.

"It means that we can open presents!" she answered giddily.

"Presents? What presents? I didn't get you a present."

She slapped him playfully. "Yes you did – I can see it right there!" She pointed to the box wrapped in red paper topped with a gold bow. "It has my name on it and everything."

"Meh. That's for another Robin I know."

She narrowed her eyes. "I am the only Robin you know. Or at least I better be."

Kissing the tip of her nose, Patrick gently kicked off the afghan and pulled the box from underneath the tree. With just the smallest hesitation, he placed it on her lap.

Folding her legs underneath her, she pulled at the ribbon excitedly and let it sail to the floor. Carefully, she slid her finger underneath the heavy gold paper and having removed it, folded it and set it on the table. She stuck her tongue out as she noticed Patrick staring at her with amusement.

Peeling the card off the top of the box, she opened and read it aloud.

_What more could the original Adventure Girl need?  
Merry Christmas, all my love – Patrick_

She shot him a curious look but seeing no hint forthcoming in her eyes, she pried the lid of the box off and dove into the tissue paper. Wrapping her hand around the folder, she pulled it from the box. Her eyes widened as she flipped open the folder and saw two plane tickets to Edinburgh leaving on the 29th and returning on January 3rd.

"Scotland?" she asked him in surprise.

He pulled nervously at his bottom lip wondering if he had got it all wrong. "Um, well….I thought we could go for New Year's. They have a big festival-"

"Hogamany" she interjected, her brown eyes dancing happily.

"You've heard of it?" he asked hopefully.

She nodded. "And I've always wanted to go!! Are we seriously going?"

"We are seriously going" he confirmed, "I thought-"

His sentence was prematurely ended as she tossed herself into his lap and fastened her mouth to his. Her tongue darted from her mouth and coaxing his lips apart, swept inside his. He sucked greedily on her tongue, pulling her tightly against him. His hands curled through her hair as hers swept across his chest. They kissed until there was no oxygen left and they broke apart, breathless and panting.

"So that's a yes?" Patrick asked as he traced his finger across her swollen lips.

"It's a hell yes! Does this mean I get to see you in a kilt?"

He fixed her with a look. "I wouldn't count on that."

"Awww! But baby – it would make me happy. And you want to make me happy, right?"

He rolled his eyes. "Don't I get a gift?" he asked, ignoring her.  
Robin tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Hmm. Maybe I should make your gift kilt-dependant."

He reached for the tickets. "Maybe I should cancel the tickets?" he teased.

"NO!" Trying to grab them from his hand, she lost her balance and fell across his lap. The oversized t-shirt had slipped upwards, exposing her breasts to him.

He licked his lips as he looked at her stretched out beneath him. "Is this my gift?" he asked huskily.

She hastily pulled her shirt down and scrambled to her feet. "Not yet. First you get the wrapped gift and then you get me."

Cocking his eyebrow upwards, he gave her a sloppy grin. "You're kind of wrapped too. I wouldn't mind unwrapping you."

She wiggled her behind as she bent over to pick his present up from underneath the tree and smiled to herself as she heard his sharp intake of breath. He had liberated her in so many ways and while she was still a work in progress, his unabashed appreciation of her helped her to embrace her sexual side more fully.

Sliding back beside him on the couch, she handed him the long rectangular box wrapped in green paper with a cascade of red and white ribbony curls falling from the edge.

Giving her a sideways glance, he slipped the paper off and creaked open the black box. There, nestled against the white silk, rested a beautiful watch with a thick black leather band and a round, silver watch face.

It was Robin's turn to feel the nerves over picking the right gift. She had spent more than a month trying to find something meaningfully but not over the top – it had been no small task. With Brenda's guidance she had finally settled on a watch and hoped that he would not be disappointed by its pedestrian nature.

"It's engraved on the back" she said quickly.

He fingered the buttery soft band and knew immediately that it would feel like a dream against his wrist. Turning the watch over, he read the inscription and was caught by surprise at the feelings it stirred up in him. He blinked rapidly and inhaled sharply as he traced the words.

_Time heals what reason cannot  
Love Robin_

"Do you….do you like it?" she asked tentatively.

"Like it?" he echoed hoarsely. "I love it." Turning to face her, he cupped her cheek with his hand. "I love you."

Grabbing hold of the hem of her shirt, he pulled her to his lap and stared lovingly in to her eyes. He was overcome by how complete he felt in her love, how whole she allowed him to be.

Straddling his hips, Robin slid so closely to him that there was simply no space left between them. Her hands trailed down his bare chest and sent his heart racing. His breath shortened and his chest heaved in desirous anticipation as left a trail of whispered kisses along his shoulder, moving to his neck.

His hands burrowed underneath her shirt, warming against her hot skin. He dragged his fingertips across her pert nipples and closed his eyes as she pushed her breasts further into his hands. Turning his head, his lips went in search of hers but she stubbornly avoided him, closing her mouth around his soft, fleshy earlobe and sucking gently. He shivered from the contact.

Dropping his hands, he curled his fingers around the hem of the shirt and in one motion pulled it from her body and tossed it to the floor. She sat before him, breathtakingly beautiful and naked.

He slid his hand between them, cupping her sex and biting his lip as he felt her dampness. No other woman responded in the way she did. Robin was like a finely tuned instrument and he was learning all the notes to play.

His head dropped back against the couch as her tongue snaked out and made small, scintillating circles on his chest. As his arousal grew, he shifted underneath to find a more comfortable position.

Curling two fingers inside her, he strummed her sex as she left tiny bit marks along his collar bone. Unable to take it any longer, he cupped her chin and raised her lips to his before seizing her mouth in a wet, wanton kiss. Their tongues tangled together as they fell lengthwise on the couch.

On top, Patrick trailed his lips and tongue down her hot skin, stopping to suck on each nipple. Feeling as though she was short-circuiting but unable to stop it, she arched up from the couch, pressing his head deeper against her. He continued on his downward journey, teasing and nipping at her skin as he went, burying his face between her legs and breathing in her musky scent.

She is intoxicating for him, making him drunk in his desire for her. Pulling himself upright, he pulled off his sweatpants, stepping out of them where they lay. Robin stared at his heavy groin and unable to resist, reached out and stroked her fingertips along the length.

"Fuck" he bit out, his hands on his hips.

Reluctantly letting go of him, Robin reached behind her to the small covered container where they had taken to keeping a small stash of condoms. Retrieving the protection, she ripped open the square package and reaching for him again, sheathed him quickly, allowing her fingers to dance tantalizingly along the base of his cock.

Patrick groaned and could not wait a minute longer to be inside her. He took hold of her legs and pulled him towards her as he plunged in to her. He swallowed down her gasp as he closed his mouth over hers. Their tangled bodies moved as one in urgent need.

Everything they couldn't say, that they couldn't find the words for poured from their skin as they collapsed together.

Finally recovering his breath, Patrick rolled from Robin and reaching for the afghan pulled it around them to ward off the chill of their sweat covered bodies.

She reached up and brushed his damp hair from face, nibbling on his bottom lip. "Merry Christmas baby" she whispered.

Circling his arms around her, he pulled flush against him and nuzzled her neck.

"I love you."


	47. Chapter 54

Chapter 54

**Chapter 54**

**Every time I look at you, the world just melts away**

**All my troubles, all my fears dissolve in your affection**

Flopping on the floral couch of the suite, Robin stared appreciatively at her boyfriend as he pulled his dark brown cashmere turtleneck over his head. She unconsciously licked her lips as the soft sweater skimmed his lean frame coming to a halt at his hips.

Seeing the wanton look in her eyes, he cocked his eyebrow and smirked.

"Hungry?"

Only slightly embarrassed at being caught, she shrugged her shoulders. "For you? Always."

Opening his arms wide, he gave her a heated look. "I'm right here."

"Not yet cowboy – we'll miss the party."

He stepped towards her and slipped his hands around her waist. Sliding them slowly up her body he let his thumbs graze teasingly across her breasts.

"We can have our own party right here," he suggested huskily.

Shuddering slightly under his touch, she shook her head. "Nuh-uh. We did not fly all the way to Edinburgh for Hogmanay only to have sex in the hotel room."

His bottom lip jutted out in a mock pout. "Are you saying no sex in the hotel room at all?"

Grinning, she playfully slapped his chest. "Noooo. I'm just saying we aren't going to miss the biggest New Year's Eve street party for sex – we can have sex AFTER the party."

"So you're saying we're going to ring the new year in with a bang?"

Rolling her eyes, Robin let out an exaggerated groan. "You're awful."

"That's not what you said last night" he teased, sliding his hands down her back and cupping her behind.

Stepping away from him, she rolled down the sleeves of her pink turtleneck and reached for her black down vest. "Any chance I'm going to get you in a kilt?"

Slinging his hands on his hips, he shook his head. "Um, no. I don't wear skirts and besides, kilts are meant to be worn without underwear – it's too damn cold out there to go commando."

Zipping up her vest, Robin gave a small shrug. "Oh. Then maybe I should go put some underwear on?" She batted her eyes innocently, enjoying the quiet groan that escaped from the back of his throat."

"You have got to stop saying things like that" he rasped, "when we can't stay in."

"Ah well" she giggled shamelessly, "just more fun for us to have when we get back." Reaching for his hand, she tugged him in the direction of the door. "Let's go!"

Grabbing his brown leather jacket as they moved past the couch, he shrugged it on and followed his girlfriend out the door. As he watched the way her jeans curved against her bottom, he smirked. The holiday may have been his idea but he was beginning to think staying in far outweighed going out.

xoxoxoxo

Princess Street was awash in coloured lights and packed with revellers all the way to Edinburgh Castle. The castle walls were lit from below and from the hill top it looked as though the entire city had been painted in festivity. There were street performers every few feet, spontaneous dancing broke out and merchants were offering a 'wee tipple' of single malt to those in need of some warmth.

Robin slid her hand through Patrick's and as his fingers curled around hers she was suddenly overcome by a feeling of completeness. She had always dreaded New Year's Eve - a holiday that centered on clock watching and built-in expectations. Truthfully it could be a single person's living hell as drunken couples shoved their tongues down each other's throats in an over the top display of coupledom. But now amidst it all and unbelievable in love, she was willing to be one of those annoying couples come midnight. That realization caused her to giggle.

Surprised, Patrick looked down at her. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing," she replied with a small shake of her head. "So where to next?"

Nudging her shoulder, he pointed towards to the east of the castle. The sounds of Scottish music floated through the air, inviting them closer. Weaving in and out of the crowd, they made their way to the gardens where a ceilidh was in full swing.

Kilts swirled in time with the music and laughter echoed throughout the brightly lit gardens. They had barely crossed the threshold when a woman dressed all in white with a tartan sash cutting across her body came and took them by the hands.

"We are just about to start a reel" she told them in her thick Scottish brogue.

Patrick hesitated and looked wide eyed from the woman to Robin and back again. "I …uh…I don't dance" he stammered.

Furrowing her brow, the woman gave him a sceptical look. "Nonsense" she said authoritatively. "It's Hogmanay. Everyone dances." Brooking no further argument, she led them to the dance area and introduced them into a group of six men and women.

"I don't know the steps" Patrick protested to her retreating back.

An older man in a kilt smirked and shook his head. "You don't need steps, you just need to let go."

Before he could protest further, he was swept up by the woman to his left and the whole group of eight began to move in and about their circle.

Robin watched as Patrick first struggled to keep his tough, too cool for school exterior before finally giving it up in the tidal wave of Scottish reverie. Her attention was pulled from him as her dancing partner placed his hand on her waist and moved her deftly into the circle.

Watching her throw her head back in liberating laughter, Patrick realized that there was no end point to his falling for Robin. He was discovering that it wasn't that you fell in love and then it stopped, it was a perpetual free fall. And he was loving every minute of it.

After nearly an hour of dancing and pleading exhaustion, Robin and Patrick excused themselves from their dance group and wandered among the gardens back to Princess Street.

They sampled scotch as they continued their way up towards the castle and spotting a secluded spot, Robin pulled to the side. Looping her fingers through his belt loops and rising up on her tip toes, she captured his lips with her own in a slow, lazy kiss. Her tongue slid easily inside his mouth and massaged it. Patrick framed her head with his hands and deepened their kiss, pushing his body into hers.

Lips swollen and pulses racing, they pulled apart. He pushed her bangs from her face as he gazed starrily into her eyes.

"What was that for?" he asked, nipping at her lips. "Not that you need a reason."

Tilting her neck to the side as he moved to the soft skin just below her ear, Robin smiled. "Because this is the best gift ever" she replied with a shiver.

"Just you wait" he told her huskily, "there are more gifts to come."

There was something in his tone, some sense of urgency that caught her attention. Straightening up, she opened her mouth to ask him what he meant but her words were swallowed by another kiss.

He could have gone on kissing her for hours – for ever – but they were interrupted by the start of the countdown.

"10!"

"9"

Letting go of her lips, he grabbed her hand and pulled her back on to the street. They squeezed in among the hoard that lined the Royal Mile. The noise reached a fever pitch as the countdown neared the end. Patrick wrapped his arms around Robin's waist and held her tightly to him as they turned their eyes skyward.

"2!"

"1!"

Fireworks burst overhead in a symphony of joyous celebration of a fresh start and Robin, spinning around in his arms to face him, cupped the back of his head and brought his lips to hers. His knees buckled slightly in response to her passionate kiss and he was hard pressed to think of a better beginning to a year than the one he was having at that very moment.

The crowd quieted to a hush as a piper appeared on the parapet and played the opening notes to Auld Lang Syne. In true Scottish tradition, everyone crossed their arms over their bodies, grabbing hold of the hand of the person on either side of them and they all began to sing with abandon.

A new year and a new beginning. Both Robin and Patrick felt anything was possible.

xoxoxoxox

Balancing the tray of coffee in one hand as he manoeuvred the key through the reader on the door, Patrick slipped inside the hotel room as quietly as possible.

"I'm up" Robin said with a grin, looking up from the paper she was reading.

Patrick let out a small groan as he set the tray down on the table in front of the couch. "I was trying to let you sleep" he told her as he flopped down beside her.

"You know me, I'm not so good with the sleeping in." Spying the coffee, she leapt on it immediately. "You are quite possibly the best boyfriend ever."

Looking at her in amusement, he shook his head. "I'm not sure that I appreciate you doubting I'm the best boyfriend ever. What's this 'quite possibly' stuff?"

Cupping his chin, she brushed her lips over his. "I'm trying to give you something to work for."

"Brat" Settling back against the couch, he trailed his fingers through her hair. "The hotel has a New Year's brunch starting at noon and I made reservations for us."

"Oooh! I bet there's haggis."

"You're welcome to it" he told her with a shudder. "I don't do organs or stomach lini-"

He felt the fuzziness encase his head and the tell tale tremors start to work their way through his body.

_No. No. No_ he told himself, pleading with his body not to betray him.

Robin gave him a curious look. "Patrick? Is everything okay?"

He rose quickly to his feet. He needed to get away from her or have her get away from him – before the seizure came. There was much he was willing to deal with but having a seizure in front of her was not possible. She could not see him like this, falling to the ground and writhing. He could not let her see what the tumour was doing to him – not in this way.

"I…uh….I need you to go for a walk."

"What?"

"I need you to leave the hotel room and come back in half an hour" he ordered her urgently as he tried to decide if the bathroom or bedroom was closer. The marble floor of the bathroom made the bedroom the more preferable choice.

Seeing the sweat pooling on his brow and the way his eyes were darting about the room, an uneasy feeling swept over her. She got to her feet and reached for him, shocked when he pulled away.

"Patrick, what's wrong?"

He jammed his hands into his jeans pockets, his left hand closing around the Michael the Archangel medallion he had taken to carrying with him everywhere.

"Just get out Robin – LEAVE!" he pleaded. "I need you to leave."

He continued to back away as the spasms increased. It was only a matter of minutes now and he was desperate for her not to witness this.

Robin would not listen and moved towards him. "Patrick – what is it?"

"GET OUT!!" he yelled at her, tears forming in his eyes. "Please" he begged.

As the bitter alkaline taste filled his mouth he knew it was too late. She had not listened and now there was little he could do. He tried in vain to reach the bedroom but the seizure gripped him first. He crumpled to the floor, his body trashing in painful contractions.

Robin froze, horrified.

"PATRICK!"


	48. Chapter 55

**Chapter 55**

**This place is so quiet, sensing that storm**

Cradling his head in her lap, Robin wiped at the small trickle of blood at the corner of his mouth.

She had frozen in place as he had writhed on the floor, his muscles tightened in painful, awkward spasms. It had last not more than a minute or two but for Robin it had felt like a lifetime. Feeling helpless was something she was, for the most part, unaccustomed to and the sight of the man she loved banging against the floor had gripped her heart and threatened to the squeeze all the air from her body.

As the seizure passed, she ran to the bathroom and dug out a pair of the latex gloves she always carried with her. Snapping them on, she wet a facecloth and returned to Patrick, pressing the cool cloth against his forehead. His eyes fluttered and his mouth hung open, silently gasping for air as his heart rate returned to normal. She could hear him swallow thickly and knew he was coming around.

"Shhh" she soothed, "you're okay Patrick."

Groaning, his head rolled to the side as he pried his eyes open. "R-r-robin" he stammered hoarsely, his tongue feeling fat in his mouth.

She gently pushed his matted hair from his forehead with one hand while reassuringly stroking his cheek with the other. "You bit your tongue" she told him quietly.

Even through the haze that still enveloped him, he was well aware of what she had witnessed and feelings of embarassment and humiliation washed over him. He had wanted to protect her from it all costs - not just because he hoped to keep the difficult reality of his tumour from her for as long as possible but also because he did not want her to see him weak, to see him in such an unmanly way. In his mind, part of caring for her meant demonstrating that he was reliable in ways that her past loves were not. Full blown seizures did not help him to make his case.

Feeling as though an elephant was having a nap on his chest, he struggled to sit up. Robin tried to convince him to lie still but he needed to get off the floor. There was something very ignoble about laying on the floor and it unsettled him.

"Let me help you" she said quickly rising to his feet.

Shrugging off her hand, he shook his head. "I'm fine."

"Of course you are." Her reply dripped freely with sarcasm.

Watching as he shuffled to the bedroom, Robin took one steadying breath after another; exhaling slowly, she followed him.

Shivering under the cold sweat that stuck to him, he stripped off his t-shirt and reached into his suitcase for a dry one. He pulled back the covers and climbed in to the bed. His seizures knocked the stuffing out of him and left him exhausted and craving sleep. His fatigue was at war with his anger over Robin not listening to him, not hearing his pleas to leave but lacking the energy to speak at length, he simply pulled the covers to his neck.

"Can I get you anything?" she asked as she entered the bedroom.

"I just need to sleep" he answered tightly.

"Do you...do you want this?" She held the medallion before him and waited.

"Where did you get that?"

"It fell from your hand after your seizure. I think your hand is probably bruised from gripping it."

With a herculean effort, he snatched it from her hand.

"HEY!" she exclaimed, surprised and angered by his aggressive move. "What is your problem?"

Sheepishly, he met her gaze. "I'm sorry. I just...I need to sleep Robin"

Blowing out her cheeks, Robin bent down and pressed her lips just under his ear. "I love you" she whispered.

He nodded slightly before pulling the covers closer to him and rolling away from her.

Sighing, Robin padded out of the room, pulling the door closed behind her. She flopped on to the couch and tiredly ran her hands over her face. The contradiction of emotions she was feeling confused her. She was scared, absolutely but she was also angry - furious even. She was angry that the tumour wasn't responding to treatment and was still attacking him - attacking _them_ - and she was quietly angry that he was still trying so hard to push her away. After all the ground they had covered, the admissions of love, the slow tearing down of walls it now felt like that nothing had changed.

He had no reticence in pushing her to be more open, less guaraded with him. When she was being chased by the memories of Stone and the guilt that she had been living with, he would not be deterred from helping her. It didn't matter what she said or did or how many times she asked him to leave, he wouldn't. And yet from the moment he knew something was wrong with his own health, he had lied and covered and done everything he could to keep her in the dark. She knew his intent in doing so was good but intent didn't change the result.

She fingered the claddagh necklace that had hung around her neck since the night of the Nurses' Ball. There was no doubt in her mind that he loved her but despite it all, he did not seem to trust her and she could not figure out why that was.

xoxoxoxoxo

Hearing the creak of the bedroom door as it opened, Robin looked up and watched silently as Patrick shuffled through the door. His hair was askew and a soft shadow of stubble lay against his cheeks. His trackpants looked suddenly big on him and his t-shirt had more room in it than it had before. She had not realized until that very moment how much weight he was losing. For the second time that day she felt icy fingers close around her heart.

"Hey" he greeted her hoarsely.

"How is your tongue?"

He pushed it around his mouth and felt the small cut run along the back of his teeth. He shrugged. "Okay."

"How are you feeling?"

"Tired."

Pursing her lips together, Robin nodded. "Me too."

Tilting his head to the side, Patrick looked at her carefully. The determined set of her jaw and the blaze in her eyes were unmistakable. He let out a small breath. "We're going to do this now, aren't we?"

"Yeah. We are" she answered. "You don't get to be pissed at me" she told him, jumping right in. "You don't get to be pissed at my refusal to leave as you're having a seizure."

Looking straight ahead, his tongue darted from his mouth and moistened his dry lips. "I didn't want you to see it."

"Do you think I've never seen a seizure before?"

"You've never seen me have a seizure before"

"Yes I have"

Her quick answer caused his head to snap up. "What?"

"You have them in your sleep" she revealed. "You twitch and tremble and your mouth hangs open and for about five minutes you lie perfectly still except for your tremoring hands. I've seen you have a seizure and I'm still here so why are you trying so hard to push me away?"

"I'm not trying to push you away" he countered. "I want to...I'm trying to..."

"Protect me" she finished for him. "But I don't need to be protected so it stops now."

"Robin-"

"No. It's my turn to talk. I know you're scared but you don't get to run. I love you" she told him as she cupped his chin and forced him to look at her. "And we are in this together."

"Robin" he whispered, "I don't want to add to your stress."

"Add to my stress? Let me tell you what adds to my stress. You - trying to throw me out of a hotel when I know are you about to hit the ground. What is it about me that you don't trust?"

He blinked rapidly as tears filled his eyes. "I do trust you" he replied. His voice was so soft that Robin had to strain to hear him.

"I don't think you do. You have been lying to me since the beginning of all this and you are still lying to me. Why?"

His mouth dropped open as he inhaled sharply. "I'm trying to protect you."

"From what?" she asked angrily. "I'm not fragile - I'm not going to break and you leaning on me doesn't make you un-manly either."

His gaze dropped to the couch and his fingers pulled at the imaginary lint laying against the cushion. He didn't want to answer her, he didn't want to say it out loud but there was little choice left.

"I don't want to be another..." his voice hitched and faltered, "I don't want to be this to you - another sick boyfriend."

Robin gasped as her hand closed over her mouth. "Oh Patrick" she sighed. "You aren't that to me."

"You have already been through this."

"NO!" she answered emphatically. "You aren't Stone or Jason and I'm not a scared teenager." She fingered her necklace again. "You see this?" He nodded. "This is who we are - who we are to each other. The heart for love, the hands for friendship and the crown for loyalty. This is us and none of that changes because you're sick or because I have HIV - we are so much bigger and so much more than that. You're not the only neuro specialist in this relationship and I can read symptoms and reactions even when you say nothing. So I know that the treatment is working as quickly or as well as either of us would like but it is working. And you are going to get better and we will move on from this together."

"Robin."

"You have to stop running Patrick." She held his gaze with her own determined brown eyes. "Do you love me?"

His hand swiped over his mouth and his cheeks flushed at the question. "Do you have to ask?"

"I do" she replied with a nod.

"God Robin - I do. I love you...I love you without limit."

Her own eyes welled and she unashamedly let tears tumble down her face. "Me too. So no more hiding for me, okay?"

Reaching for her, he tugged her into his arms and pulled her body flush to his. He tangled his legs through hers and wrapped his arms tightly around hers. Placing several whispered kisses against her cheek and under her ear, he let go of the breath he had been unknowingly holding. He wasn't sure he knew how to stop running, it had been second nature his entire adult life but he was ready to try standing still


	49. Chapter 56

Chapter 56

**Chapter 56**

**In the burning of uncertainty **

**I will be your solid ground**

Hunched over her desk and in deep concentration on the journal article in front of her, Robin nearly jumped out of her skin as her watch vibrated against her wrist. Straightening up, she rubbed the stiffness from her neck and yawned as she slid from her stool. Taking a second glance at her watch, she shook her head as she realized how long she had been reading and then sighed in frustration at not being any closer to a solution.

Their remaining time in Scotland had been quiet and had affected them in two ways. The first was that with one more wall down between them, she – they – felt closer to each other than ever before. They had explored Edinburgh and even took a trip to the Highlands to visit a single malt distillery. They had made love and reaffirmed their feelings for each other and Robin came home more secure in her relationship than she had ever been.

The second was that Robin was bound and determined to find some kind of alternative treatment for him. If she couldn't find anything to reduce the size of the tumour and hopefully ward off the surgery then at least she was going to find a way to treat his symptoms. He was in pain and she wanted to – _needed to_ – stop it. They had been back four days and his radiation treatments had begun in earnest. She had already seen him wincing when he ate, no doubt the food irritating whatever sores the radiation was producing. He was still struggling with his temper as well. Patience was in short supply for him and he would snap at people, almost without provocation. Realizing the impact of his behaviour could leave him feeling low for hours afterwards.

That this was happening to him made her angry. Furious even. She hated his tumour – _hated_ it. Where she was positive at first, believing they just needed to face it one step at a time, one battle at a time, now it was feeling intensely personal. It felt like his tumour was trying to steal him from her and if it wanted a fight, it was going to get one. She had waited a lifetime for a love like Patrick's and she wasn't about to sit idly by and let it slip away.

Pulling her purse from the bottom drawer of her desk, she fished around before finally put her hand on her pill box. Having retrieved it from the depths of her handbag, she placed it on the desk before heading to her little refrigerator and taking out a bottle of cranberry juice.

Popping the lid off, she walked back to her desk, rolling the kinks from her shoulders and sat down. Reaching for the pill box, she flipped the lid open and looking down to take out her protocol she froze.

No.

This couldn't be happening.

This never happens.

She stared, open mouthed, at her pill box. There were too many pills in it. There were enough for two doses, not one and if that was the case, then she had missed a dose. As her knees trembled, she sank to her stool and cradled her head in her hands.

Clenching her eyes shut she did her best to visualize her steps from that morning. She could see the hot and heavy make out session she had enjoyed before hopping into the shower; she saw breakfast and filling her travel mug with coffee; she remembered shrugging on her new grey winter coat and heading out the door. No matter how many times she replayed the scenes in her head, she could not see herself taking her morning protocol.

In the more than ten years since she first started on anti-retroviral medication she had never missed a dose. It hadn't mattered if she was travelling, had the flu or studying all night long – her protocol was a non-negotiable. She stared back at the pill box and shook her head.

How could she be so careless?

She could never let this happen again. If she were going to help Patrick, she needed to make sure she was healthy enough to do so. Fingering the pills, she sighed as she brought them, one by one, to her lips. Her stomach was not going to be pleased with the double dose.

Swallowing down the last of both her juice and her pills, she blew out her cheeks in frustration. Nothing was going her way. Picking up the journal she had been reading, she hurled it across the room, pleased at the satisfying thud it made as it hit the ground.

"What did that poor journal ever do to you?"

Jumping at the sound of the voice invading her thoughts, Robin spun around and gave a weak smile as she Noah filling her door way.

"It wasn't telling me what I wanted," she grumbled half heartedly.

"Oh?" he asked coming through the door. "What is it you want to know?"

Shrugging, Robin gave a small smile. "Just doing some research."

Walking over to the far end of the room, he picked up the discarded journal and flipped it over to the cover. Reading the index, he sighed quietly and looked back at his son's girlfriend.

"Trying to find a solution for Patrick."

"Something like that."

"How was Scotland?"

She knew immediately by the tone of his voice what he was searching for.

"Patrick had a seizure – a bad one."

Pursing his lips together, much as his son would often do, he nodded. "That must have been hard."

Fishing an elastic from her desk, Robin pulled her hair from her neck up into a ponytail. "He was exhausted after it – and he bit his tongue."

"I meant for you" he gently corrected. "I meant it must have been hard for you to see that."

Her cheeks flushed slightly and she dropped her gaze. "I was….I was scared for him. And he took it so badly afterwards. He was angry and defensive and embarrassed at what had happened."

"All pretty normal reactions. Patrick is nothing if not a prideful person and he would hate for anyone to see him like that. He was furious when I found him having a seizure and I changed his diapers as a baby. I would imagine he was very disconcerted that you witnessed it."

Sensing an open, Robin decided that if she couldn't get answers from her medical research, she would get other ones. "Did Mattie have seizures?"

Perching himself on the edge of a desk, he gave her a curious look. "Yes" he answered cautiously.

"Were they bad?"

He sucked in his lower lip and chewed on it for several seconds before answering. He had not widely shared – or shared at all – the circumstances of Mattie's illness. He had told no one of the violent outbursts or how he would stay up for nights on end when her seizures were particularly bad, afraid she would choke in the middle of the night.

"At the end, yes."

"Did Patrick know this?"

His green eyes widened in surprise and he thought carefully before replying. "He's a neurologist Robin. He is well aware of meningioma and the side effects that manifest as a result."

"No" she answered quickly. "Not then – then he was a terrified 17 year old boy. Did he know how bad it was with his mother?"

Folding his arms across his chest, he studying the young researcher wondering exactly what she was trying to get at.

"He knew it was bad – he knew that his mother could not feed herself at the end nor care for herself in any meaningful way. He knew. Why do you ask?"

"Because I think Patrick has an idea in his head about how his mother handled this and he's trying to live up to that."

Feeling as though she was on uneven ground, she stepped carefully as she continued. "Have you guys ever…you know…talked about it?"

Noah stiffened subtly and swallowed thickly. "Robin, you already know the answer to that question. I was drunk for a decade – the only time we talked was when I was apologizing to him for failing and promising to get clean, yet again."

She swept her bangs from her eyes and held his gaze. "What about now? Would you consider telling him how much trouble Mattie had?"

"To what end?" he asked tightly, the muscle in his cheek throbbing as he did so. "The only thing Patrick has left of his mother is his memories. He has good memories of her and I have zero desire to rehash a very painful period with him."

"Noah, it would let him off the hook. He would know that his mother suffered too, that she-"

"He knew she suffered" he interjected. "He knew and I don't think he would appreciate me reminding him."

Taking in a slow breath, Robin tried to steady herself. "He's holding himself to an impossible standard. He thinks he needs to as graceful as his mother was. If he knew that she wasn't – if he knew that she had a hard time…" Her voice trailed off as she saw him rise to his feet.

He looked at her with a mixture of anger and coldness. "His mother was graceful. Even in the middle of all the crap she was still Mattie. She was still the woman I loved and the mother of my son. Don't think I don't know what you are trying to do here Robin. You feel the pressure building up – in both of you. You want to do anything you can to relieve at least part of it and you can't find a medical solution. It's becoming harder to watch him take the radiation – you see the weight dropping on him, the lethargy setting in and you want to fix it. The thing is Robin, there is no fixing it. Despite my colossal fuck up in the OR with my wife – I am an expert in this field and I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is going to need surgery. And it scares me to death. But bursting whatever bubble he has left regarding his mother is neither going to make him feel better nor alter the course he's on."

Anger dripped from every word and though she had been on the receiving end of his anger before, this was still a surprise. She had clearly underestimated how deep the wounds still ran. However, her first and only concern was her boyfriend and Noah's diatribe aside, she still felt that he would find some comfort in knowing his mother's perfection was an illusion and not reality.

"We are all scared to death Noah" she started carefully. "You, me and most of all Patrick. He is afraid he is going to die just like his mother did and somehow he's got it in his head that he needs to rise to this ridiculous standard that has become the myth of Mattie Drake. The seizures, the outbursts, the failing appetite – he won't allow them to just happen in case he doesn't do it as well as he believes his mother did. The thing is, Mattie didn't do it that well and you letting him believe otherwise is unfair and cruel."

Noah jammed his trembling hands into his pockets. "I am glad my son has someone like you in his corner; someone who loves him and fights for him," he said softly, "Robin you are truly an extraordinary person but that doesn't give you carte blanche to drag up a history you know little about. And I'll thank you to leave it alone."

Turning on his heel, he headed out the door.

Covering her face with her hands, Robin screamed in frustration. Walking back to her desk, she picked up her phone and punched out the number. When you loved someone as much as she loved Patrick, giving up simply was not an option. And if Noah wouldn't or couldn't help, then she would find someone who could.

Having made her call, she flopped on to her couch in exhaustion. Her stomach churned and bile rose in her throat. The double dose of her drugs was making itself known. Feeling another wave of nausea hit her, she dipped her head between her knees trying to ward it off.

With a jolt she sat upright and sprinted for her garbage can. Dropping to her knees, she gripped the sides and vomited. Clammy and with stars dotting her field of vision, she let out one shaky breath after another waiting for it to pass.

She had no idea how long she had been sitting on the floor but she recognized the hand on her back instantly. From the moment they had met, he always had a knack of showing up when she needed him.

"Patrick?" Turning her head, she saw him crouched down beside her, concern etched all over his face.

"What's going on?" he asked softly, brushing her damp hair from her forehead.

"Bad sushi I think" she covered quickly. He did not need to know she missed a dose.

He smiled warmly at her as his hand continued to move in small circles against her back, warming her. "My poor baby"

She leaned in to him and rested her head on his shoulder. "What are you doing here? Did something happen?"

He dropped a kiss against her forehead. "I came to see if you wanted to take your break with me – I'm very bored with so little to do – and I found you here on the ground vomiting."

"It's been a bit of a day" she admitted.

"Yeah?"

She nodded, not quite meeting his eyes. "I..uh…I'm struggling with a…uh…research problem and the solutions aren't as obvious as I thought they would be."

"I'm sorry" he told her quietly. Seeing her eyes heavy with fatigue, he sighed silently. The toll of it all was beginning to show on her face and that ripped at him. "How about I take you home and we just hang out on the couch until your bad sushi passes?"

"That sounds really good right about now" she replied hoarsely.

He pulled her to her feet and moved to collect her things when she tugged him back towards her.

"You….you mean everything to me."

He swiped at the tear pooling just under her stubby black eyelashes and softly kissed her cheek. "You too."


	50. Chapter 57

Chapter 57

**Chapter 57**

**Scars are souvenirs you never lose**

**The past is never far**

The lamp on the nightstand lit the bedroom in a soft glow as the sounds of Coldplay floated through the air. With her head resting on his chest, Robin sighed contentedly as Patrick trailed his fingers through her long, silky hair.

"Feeling better?" he asked quietly, enjoying the feeling of being wrapped up in her. He felt her head move against him as she nodded.

"Yeah. It seems to have passed."

"Good." He pressed his lips to the top of her head. "I think we're going to put sushi on the banned food list for a while though."

Her cheeks flushed slightly at her lie but knowing that she had corrected her mistake – and paid the price – she could see little value in letting him know what really happened. It would only compound his fears and she was supposed to be helping alleviate them, not add to them.

His hand moved up and down the length of her back in slow, soothing strokes. "Do you think you could handle some soup? You should probably get some food in you."

Lifting her head she smiled shyly. "Tomato? With lots of crackers mushed up?"

Dipping his head, he nipped tenderly at her lips. "You got it." Slowly disentangling himself from her he rose from the bed and then tucked the covers around her.

xxxxx

Alone in the kitchen as the soup heated in the small pot on the stove, Patrick dragged his hand through his hair and let out a long, heavy sigh. He could not shake the picture from his mind of Robin, flopped on the floor of her lab, hovered over the garbage can. It had sent his heart immediately to his throat and had taken all of his self control not to overreact and have her admitted.

He remembered every word of the speech she gave at the Nurses' Ball and her admission of her failed protocol had stopped him cold. He knew that wasn't the case this time but it did little to assuage his ever present worry about her. After his seizure in Scotland, she had asked – demanded – that he stop protecting her and he was trying. But seeing the toll his illness was taking etched on her face, he was walking a fine line.

Having ladled the soup into two bowls, he reached for the box of crackers and set them on the tray. He cursed silently under his breath as his hands trembled; the down time between symptoms was getting less and less meaning his condition was worsening and that surgery was fast becoming an inevitability.

Surgery scared him. Who knew better than he did the risks associated with it? The placement of his tumour, the way in which it was affecting his fine motor skills told him that any surgery could leave him paralysed, unable to speak or without his long term memory. That is, if it didn't kill him.

He had tried to be objective, tried to be rational and unemotional about it but it just wasn't possible. If he closed his eyes, he could still hear all the noises from the waiting room he sat in while his mother was in surgery; smell the stale, antiseptic air. It mattered little that others thought he should be over it or that it was childish to still be haunted by that day. The fact remained that his mother died on the table and now with the same tumour in his brain, slowly stealing bits of who he was and the possible solution was more terrifying than the problem.

Gripping the tray tighter, he tried to control his shaking hands as he stepped into the bedroom. "I believe princess ordered some soup" he teased as he set the tray down over her legs.

Pulling her hair back into a low ponytail, Robin arched her eyebrow jokingly. "Princess? Princess? I believe the soup was your suggestion"

Stretching out on the bed, he smiled in amusement as Robin gathered a handful of crackers in her hands and crushed them, letting the crumbs fall into her bowl. There were moments, simple moments, when she was completely unguarded and it made his heart full.

Feeling his eyes on her as she brought her spoon to her mouth, she cast a sideways glance in his direction. "What?"

"Nothing" he replied, grinning.

Shaking her head, she rolled her eyes. "Aren't you going to eat your soup?"

"I will. I'm just going to let it cool down a little."

"Why do you want it-" She paused for a moment and realization dawned. "Oh – how bad is your mouth?"

He gave a small shake of his head. "It's fine." Seeing the look of disbelief on her face, he amended his response. "Okay, not fine but it's okay – it's just better if the food isn't piping hot."

She reached out with her hand and stroked his cheek. Turning his face towards her hand, he pressed his lips against her palm. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the long silver chain and placed it on her tray.

Robin immediately recognized it as the medallion that he had snatched from her in Scotland. Her curiosity had been peaked but she had not pursued it for fear of him feeling boxed in.

"What is it?" she asked casually as she spooned another mouthful of soup.

"It's a medal of Michael the Archangel. It's….it's what I was holding on to when I had the seizure."

"Have you had it long?"

"Eric gave it to me on the first day of my radiation treatment. It's his – he, uh – he wore it all through his cancer treatments. He...it…he said it's about faith – not religion but faith and so I'm trying to have faith that this is all going to get better."

"Do you?" she asked quietly, "Have faith?"

He chewed on his bottom lip trying to hear the answer in his head before giving it. "Somedays" he admitted, "but not always."

"How come?"

"I'm not good with things I can't touch. I have to see it to believe it. I learned a long time ago to take the emotion out of a situation and just deal with the facts and it's hard to undo all that." He gave her a wry grin, "It's why I would never make it as researcher."

"What?"

"Robin, in order for you to do what you do, you have to make these leaps and trust that the ground will be there underneath you when you land. I travel a well worn path, following or perfecting techniques, colouring inside the lines."

Rolling on to her side and propping her head in her hand she watched him carefully. "But you take risks inside the OR and you took them on the racetrack. Patrick, you've pushed the line-"

"Pushed but never crossed. Even in racing, I understood how the engine worked and exactly how far I could take it without damaging it. I didn't have to trust that it would all hold together because tangibly I knew what the limit was."

Scooting closer to him, she draped her arm over his hip and looked up into his rich, expressive eyes. "You fell in love – with me" she pointed out softly, "that required believing in something intangible."

"That's why it took me so long to be honest with you" he told her quietly, "because I kept waiting for some kind of external proof of my feelings, something other than my heart or my gut and I just refused to give in until it came."

She traced her fingertip along his jaw bone, feeling the start of his stubble prickly underneath. "Don't you trust your heart?" she asked.

With a slight grimace, he shook his head. "No. But I trust yours."

He softly closed his lips over hers, his tongue sliding inside hers, gently and slowly tangling in the velvety softness of her mouth. Robin moaned quietly as her fingers curled tightly around his cotton t-shirt. He cupped her face, stealing her breath away in a lingering, languid kiss. Robin's heart beat wildly in her chest as it was impossible to be touched by him without it sending her pulse racing.

Letting go of her lips, bit by bit, Patrick exhaled. "Can I ask you something?"

She swept her hand across his chest. "Of course."

"Do you have faith – faith that it will get better?"

She immediately recognized the look in his eyes for she had worn that look many times in her own life. Everyone had moments in their life when a problem, a situation or a moment seemed so much bigger than them, impossible to contemplate, and they needed others to reassure them it would be okay. Not a gentle patting of the head and a 'there, there dear'. It was the need of a guarantee of sorts from someone you trusted that even if you couldn't see an end or an outcome, they could and because of that it would be all right. She had been given that by so man people in her life – Mac, Sonny, Jason, Brenda and even Patrick.

"I do" she told him confidently. "Better doesn't mean easier though."

"I know" he replied with a nod. "I just…." He swallowed thickly before starting again. "I just need to know it's not all for nothing."

"It's not for nothing. That night in your hotel room, when you told me what was going on, I promised you then that we would get through this together and we will. And if you're feeling low on faith," she placed the palm of her hand over his heart, "then take some of mine because I have more than enough for the two of us."

He nuzzled her neck, sucking softly on her skin and breathing in her scent. She tilted her head to the side, granting him better access. The soft bleating of her alarm broke their moment and she groaned as she pulled away from him.

"I can get your meds" he offered.

With a smile, she shook her head. "I'll do it – you should eat your soup." She moved the tray towards him and carefully rose from the bed.

Out in the kitchen she carefully counted out her dose, reminding herself yet again that what happened earlier, could never happen again.

Having swallowed down the last of her pills, she walked back to the bedroom, stopping in the doorway. Patrick lay where she left him, his long, dark lashes swept serenely against his cheeks. He was fast asleep.

She watched his chest rise and fall in a steady, consistent rhythm as she thought further on their conversation. She did have faith – her life since being diagnosed with HIV was an exercise in faith; faith in medicine, faith in doctors, faith in the future.

But she was also a realist and she was intent on doing whatever was necessary to make Patrick better. And she would not apologize for it.


	51. Chapter 58

**Chapter 58**

**I just want you to know who I am**

Her legs bounced with nervous energy and she ran her fingers in a singular pattern along the large file as she paced in front of the Nurses Station. The elevator dinged and her head snapped up; Robin spotted him the moment he stepped off. With the film file in her hand she walked briskly to greet him.

"Eric, I'm so glad you could come."

"You said it was important" he replied with a kind smile, "and hi, by the way."

Pausing for a moment, she let go of the breath she had been holding on to. "Hi."

"What's up?" It did not escape his notice that the young doctor was tightly wound.

"I have Patrick's latest film and I thought we could look at it together and then discuss next steps."

Eric looked at her in surprise as he reached for the file she held out to him. "Did Patrick give you these films?" The shake of her head caused him to frown. "And has he given you permission to talk to me about his case?"

"No but-"

"But nothing Robin. I cannot discuss this with you and you shouldn't be pulling his film or his chart – you know better than that," he admonished kindly.

"This coming from the guy who gave me his test results?"

His cheeks flushed red at being called out on his minor hypocrisy. "I could say that was a different situation but that's not going to work, is it?"

"No," she replied with a small smile.

"Has something changed?"

"Look at the films and you tell me."

Sliding the flimsy film from its holder, Eric held it up to the light and dropping his eyes, groaned. Taking a breath he took a second look and was not any happier with what he saw. He gently placed the film back in its holder and handed the file back to Robin.

"What did you see?"

"Not enough progress" he said with a tinge of disappointment in his voice.

Air leaked slowly from her lungs. She was not surprised but she had held on to faint hope that perhaps she wasn't reading the films correctly. "Yeah, I didn't think so. So what's next?"

"Next, I speak with Patrick about treatment options."

"I want to be a part of those discussions," she told him firmly.

"Robin, that's for you and Patrick to decide – I don't have a say in it nor do I want one."

"Add me to your team."

Eric did a double take, taken off guard but the sudden aggressive change in attitude on Robin's part. "Pardon me?"

"Add me to your team" she repeated, folding her arms across her chest. "I'm already researching alternative treatments, make me a part of the team and we can work together."

He dragged his fingers across his forehead and let out a small breath. "No," he told her quietly. "Not a chance."

Her eyebrows shot up in surprise; while she hadn't expected outright acceptance, she had hoped that he would at least be open to a discussion on the subject – a chance for her to make her case. "Excuse me?"

"I said no. Robin, I am already straddling the line by being Patrick's primary but I cannot – I will not have his girlfriend as a consulting physician. I will not put either of you in that position."

Her shoulders straightened and jaw jutted out in defiance. "And exactly what position is that?"

"Do you honestly believe that you can be detached and objective about this case?" he challenged, "because I'm struggling with it and I am not in love with him."

"Yes I love him but I'm a doctor – a very good doctor and I can make a contribution if given the opportunity." She refused to beg or plead, she was laying out her case in the most unemotional, practical way she could.

He jammed his hands into his pockets and leaned against the hub. "You would be an asset to any team Robin – your reputation is well known and well respected. But this is not the case for you to work on and you know it. You also know that Patrick would not be in favour of it which is why you are asking me and not him."

"He thinks I need to be protected and I don't. I swear between you and Noah I'm beginning to wonder just how far you guys are willing to go for him." She was aware of the line she had crossed the moment the words were set free from her mouth and the cold look on Eric's face only confirmed that for her.

Turning his head to the side, he slowly blew the air from his cheeks and took one slow breath after another before turning his attention back to her. "Wow" was all he managed to say, not trusting himself to speak further.

"Eric…I…."

"Smitty?"

Both Robin and Eric froze at the sound of Patrick's voice. They looked at each other for several long seconds before looking over to him.

"Hey!" Eric greeted him, trying to suppress his nervous smile.

Walking towards them, Patrick slipped his arm around his girlfriend's waist and stole a quick kiss from her lips. "You weren't supposed to be coming down until next week.

What brings you by?"

"Uh…I…well, I thought…." He cursed silently at his inability to lie without stammering all over the place.

Seeing his friend struggle to answer, a chill trickled down Patrick's back and he felt his temper start to rise. "Did you call him?" he bit out, his eyes narrowing suspiciously as he looked at Robin.

She dropped her gaze only for a moment before raising it again. "Patrick, I…"

"Did you call him without telling me?" he asked through gritted teeth, the muscle in his cheek pulsing. His eyes widened as he spotted the file in her hand. "Is that MY CHART?"

"Patrick-"

"Pantsy-"

He furiously turned his attention back to his friend. "Who called you? Who told you to come here?"

"I did."

All three turned in surprise as Alexis joined them. Both Robin and Eric stared at her in shock. Patrick merely gave her an incredulous look.

"You? You called him?"

She nodded as she smiled brightly. "I did – I have a case that I wanted his medical advice on. I'm hoping to turn him into an expert witness – he'd have a jury eating out of the palm of his hand. Is that the file I asked you to pull?" she said to Robin reaching for the manila folder.

Stunned, all Robin could do was nod as she handed it over, mouthing the word 'thanks' as she did so. Alexis gave her a quick wink.

Like a pressure valve being released, Patrick exhaled and pressed his lips against the top of Robin's head. "I'm so sorry" he told them both quietly, "I didn't mean to snap."

Robin rubbed her hand along the small of his back and looked up at him, smiling lovingly. "Can I walk you to your appointment?"

"I'd like that" he said softly as he continued to beat himself up for losing grip on his temper. "Smitty, I-"

Eric waved him off. "Please Pantsy – you haven't made me cry yet" he teased.

Relieved to be forgiven, he grinned. "The day is still young. Hey! Why don't we all head out to Jake's for some dinner and pool later?"

"Are you sure you won't be too tired?" Robin asked him quietly.

"I'll have a nap when I get home. What do you say Eric? You in?"

"So long as I get to kick your ass in pool" he smirked.

"And you Alexis? You coming?"

Her entire neck turned red and it was her turn to stammer. "Well, I, uh – maybe you just want it to be the three of you?" she offered.

With his blue eyes shining, Eric smiled broadly. "Come on, I can buy you a drink – it's the least I can do to thank you….for bringing me in on such an interesting case"

Alexis flushed to the roots of her hair and giving a sideways smile, "Well, okay."

"Patrick, I'll be around for a while if you want to discuss anything after your appointment," Eric offered.

He slipped his hand inside Robin's, curling his long fingers around hers. His thumb moved rhythmically against her palm. "Sounds good – otherwise, we'll see you two at Jake's."

Robin gave them a little wave as she and Patrick headed off in the direction of nuclear medicine.

Eric continued to stare after them, long after they had disappeared from view. He had not been prepared for the changes in his friend. Intellectually, clinically he understood them but it was jarring nonetheless to see them in person. His hair was peppered with grey, his face was sallow and his normally bright brown eyes looked heavy and dull. He was thinner and he moved more slowly.

The conversation with Robin had also set him reeling. On some level she believed he wasn't doing enough for him, that he wasn't taking the risks he might otherwise take and he wondered if she might be right. Was he holding back, being more cautious because this was his friend? Had he suddenly become risk averse? And was he prepared to go in, no matter what the odds?

The weight of others' expectations was pressing down hard on his shoulders and he was seriously contemplating handing the file over to a colleague.

"Are you okay?" Alexis asked quietly, placing her hand on his arm as she passed him the file that Robin had given her.

Suddenly remembering she was there, Eric pulled his gaze from the hallway and looked back at her. "Your hair looks great" he told her with a smile, admiring her cropped look.

She shyly ran her fingers along the back of her neck. "It finally grew enough that I could ditch the wigs and for that I'm happy."

"It's a big milestone and you should be happy. And thanks for the save by the way – you rescued Robin and I from a possibly explosive situation."

She smiled. "I could hear Patrick around the corner and though I rarely think it's a good idea to lie to someone, I thought a little white lie couldn't hurt. You haven't answered my question," she pointed out.

"I'm sorry – what was that?"

"I asked you if you were okay. You seem….tense. It's Patrick, isn't it?"

He nodded as he chewed on his bottom lip. "Things….they just aren't as good as I had hoped they would be at this point, which means I have some tough decisions to make."

"I'm sorry"

He was inexplicably moved by her sincerity. "Thanks. But I still have the easy end of this deal – he's the one with the time bomb in his head and the ticking is getting louder."

Patrick took a deep breath as the nurse readied his mask. There were so many things he hated about his tumour but the mask ranked pretty near the top. It provided the guide the therapist needed to send the radiation to the right spot but it made him feel claustrophobic. His sessions were never longer than 30 minutes from beginning to end but inside the plastic mask, it felt much longer.

Hey lay down on the table and closed his eyes as the technician moved to set up the machine. Ignoring the scraping of machinery against the floor, he turned his thoughts to Robin. Just that morning, as he had been getting ready for his appointment, the apartment buzzer had rung. The FedEx delivery man handed over a small envelope containing just what he needed for the second item on his list: luxury box seats to the Rangers/Devils in three weeks' time.

He had booked a suite at the Palace hotel, made dinner reservations at Le Cirque and was working on getting five minutes with Martin Brodeur so he could sign Robin's hockey sweater. He was also going to take her to his favourite diner in the Village - the one that had seen him through med school with its bottomless cups of coffee and the best pecan pie he had ever had. He wanted to show her his city. He wasn't very good at sharing - he never had been. Feelings, experiences, all of it had always been kept to himself but being with Robin meant opening up and for the first time in memory, he found himself really wanting to share who he was, really show her the man he was. His city was as good a place as any to start. It was his home, where he had learned to ride a bike, play hockey and baseball; it was where he had practiced medicine for the first time. It was also where he discovered that not only was he good at medicine but he loved it - loved it almost more than anything else in his life.

It was not an assumption people often made about him - that he was passionate about his work - but he was. He could not conceive of doing anything else than being a doctor. What he lacked in bedside manner, he made up for in desire. He wanted to be on the winning side of every case and refused to give up.

It was a quality he had immediately recognized in Robin and something that had attracted him to her from the very beginning. She was like a dog with a bone when it came to Jason's case and then when a viral outbreak had hit the city, she had literally worked herself into the ground. Oh he knew she had been committed because they were her friends and family but it had been more than that - she wanted to beat the virus. He got her and in the process discovered that she got him.

The clicking of the radiation machine came to a stop and before he had a chance to open his eyes, he could feel the mask being gently removed from his face. He accepted the proferred towel and wiped his face. Swinging his legs off the table, he grinned - radiation and tumours be damned: they were going to have the time of their lives in New York City and he couldn't wait to surprise her.


	52. Chapter 59

**Chapter 59**

**Put your arms around me**

**What you feel is what you are**

**And what you are is beautiful**

Sliding into the seat across from Patrick, Eric set the pitcher of beer down in front of him. He watched carefully as his friend reached for the teeming jug and poured a glass. His hand shook slightly and by the way his fingers were awkwardly gripping the handle, Eric could tell that he was losing sensation in his hand.

"How are you feeling these days?" he asked, accepting the glass from him.

Flexing his hand before pouring a second glass, Patrick gave a small shrug. "Depends on the day. Radiation is kicking my ass."

"Anything else?"

Patrick arched his eyebrow. "Don't even pretend that you haven't read my chart today."

"Who's pretending? I read it but I want to know how you are feeling."

He exhaled slowly. "I had a bad seizure when we were in Scotland - Robin saw it."

Taking a long drink from his beer, Eric gave a small nod. "That must have been hard."

"I didn't want her to" he admitted quietly. "But she was awesome - she took care of me and then gave me shit for trying to push her away."

He smirked. "Have I told you how much I like her?" he asked teasingly.

Patrick waved his hand dismissively. "Yeah, yeah."

Eric nervously ran his fingertips along the rim of his pint glass as he worked his way up to the question that needed asking. Patrick felt more like a brother to him than his own brothers did and for that reason among many others, Robin's words to him earlier at the hospital had left an indelible mark on him. He could not let Patrick down - he would not do it - even if it meant stepping out of the way and letting someone else take the case. He knew it would make him crazy to do it; part of his ability to cope with Patrick's diagnosis came from working on trying to find a solution and if that were taken from him, his fear would get the better of him - like Robin. And if Robin was, in his opinion, too close to work on the case then perhaps he was as well.

"Look Patrick, there's something I need to ask you before Robin and Alexis get here."

The serious tone in his voice caught his attention. "Shoot" he said more casually than he felt.

"I think...I think maybe it's time we consider me handing your case over to someone else."

His brown eyes widened in shock as he shook his head. For a long period in his life, Eric was the only family he had and until Robin came into his life there was no one he trusted more. When he had first realized the symptoms he was experiencing, Eric was the only person he wanted to speak to, the only one who would know how to handle it - and him.

"Another doctor? No way" he told him firmly, "it's out of the question."

"Patrick" he sighed heavily, "we are hurtling down the road to surgery and those optimal conditions I'm hoping for don't appear to be on the horizon-"

"They'll come" he interjected, "Smitty, the radiation is doing a number on me which means it's working on the tumour. It'll be smaller before we need to go to the OR"

Closing his eyes, Eric tiredly rubbed his hand over his face hoping that his friend could not see that he did not share his optimism. "Pantsy, maybe if you had someone else-"

"I don't want anyone else" he replied tightly.

"Maybe I'm not being aggressive enough because you're my friend - maybe a stranger would be."

Leaning forward, his elbows resting on the table, Patrick stared intently at his friend. "Listen up Smitty, you and I both know the limited treatment options available for meningioma. You are - we are, doing everything that can be done. I trust you with my life and I don't want another doctor."

"Patrick..."

"Eric, please. Please don't quit on me."

The hint of desperation in his voice pushed all doubts aside. "I ain't quitting. I just needed you to be sure."

"I'm sure" he reassured him. "Very sure."

The two men clinked glasses before taking a long drink of their beer.

"I got Rangers/Devils tickets for Robin and I - we're headed to the game on the 10th."

"That's awesome. How long are you going to be in the city for?"

"I'm surprising her with a weekend at the Palace."

"Are you going to take her to Ruby Foo's?"

"Hell yeah. I may not have much of an appetite these days but just the thought of their Dim Sum makes my mouth water."

The sound of Robin's laughter echoed in the bar and looking past Eric, Patrick grinned as his girlfriend and Alexis strolled through the door. His breath hitched as he caught sight of her. She had clearly gone home to change and was looking very flirty in a demin pencil skirt and a purple wrap top. He hungrily drank in her curves before giving her a small wave.

Turning in his seat, Eric followed Patrick's gaze, catching sight of Alexis before turning back quickly in his seat and staring at his half-empty beer glass.

Patrick was unable to keep the smirk from his face at his friend's discomfort. "Do you have a little something going on with Alexis?" he asked teasingly.

"What? No," he answered quickly.

"Do you want a little something to go on with Alexis?" He laughed out loud as Eric's neck turned beet red. It had been a long time since he had seen his friend take any interest in a woman and he was happy for him.

"I don't know" He shook his head. "She's very nice but I'm probably not her type."

"True" he nodded mockingly, "I hear she's very anti tall, good looking doctors."

"Shut it" he groaned. "Look, she doesn't know...about me and even if she were interested-"

"So she'll find out about you over time. Smitty you can't live your life expecting people to automatically reject you."

Leaning back in his chair, Eric folded his arms across his chest and snickered. "Coming from you, that's rich. You're the guy who has lived his life expecting people to leave him and so never got involved."

"Ah but I am a changed man" he answered smugly. "Falling in love does that to you."

"Fuck, you're insufferable."

"Don't I know it?" Robin chimed in, sliding on to Patrick's lap. She lightly nipped his lips. "You good?"

"So much better than good but you already know that."

"Oh for the love of sweet potatos" Eric sighed, "should we leave you alone?"

"Nah" Robin shook her head, "Don't you know yet -Patrick likes an audience."

Eric shook his head and turned towards Alexis. "May I get you a drink - or six? I think we may need them."

"Why don't I come to the bar with you and we can talk to Coleman about the best ways to dull our pain?"

Rising from his seat, he pulled Alexis' chair back. "Sounds like a plan."

As they weaved their way through the crowd to the bar, Patrick cupped Robin's chin and crashed his lips over hers. His tongue slipped easily between her lips, into the velvety confines of her warm mouth. He moaned appreciatively as her tongue tangled with his, deepening their kiss. Breathless, he reluctantly let go of her lips.

"Wow" Robin remarked, grinning, "you're very randy."

"Nuh-uh - I'm very Patrick and you are very hot in that outfit." He lightly trailed a hand along her thigh, smiling as Robin's eyes fluttered in reaction to his touch.

"I have a surprise for you" she told him throatily as he whispered kisses against her neck.

Pulling back to look at her, his brown eyes danced excitedly. "Oh? What is it?"

"I can't give it to you here-"

Nearly dropping her to the floor as he stood up suddenly, he curled his hand around hers. "Let's go then."

Laughing, Robin gently pushed him back to his chair. "No! You'll get it later."

His bottom lip jutted out in a small pout as he folded his arms across his chest. "But I have a surprise for you and if we leave now then we can surprise each other - together" he offered, with a waggle of his eyebrows.

"A surprise for me?"

"Bet you're rethinking your position about staying here aren't you?"

"Hmmm" she mused, tapping her chin. "We're staying but maybe we'll leave a little earlier."

"I like the way you think Scorpio."

Both looked up as Eric and Alexis returned with a second pitcher of beer and a plate of nachos. "Are you two ready to behave now?" Eric asked, retaking his seat.

"Never!" Robin stated, reaching for a drink. "So Eric, can I interest you in a rematch?" she asked, nodding her head in the direction of the pool table.

Pushing back his chair, he rose to his feet. "Sure. Patrick, if I start weeping like a beaten man in under five minutes, I'll be expecting you two to rescue me."

"Good luck with that," Alexis laughed.

Waiting until they were out of earshot, Patrick then turned his attention to Alexis. "Did you really ask Eric to consult on a case?"

Holding his gaze, she nodded. For a brief moment she considered the truth but knew immediately there was nothing to be gained from it. He had two people who loved him and were fighting to find a solution to his situation, their intent was neither malicious nor untoward and they deserved a little cover as they sorted it out.

"I did" she answered, without flinching.

Blowing out his cheeks, he leaned back against his chair. "Okay" he agreed quietly. There was still a niggling voice in the back of his head telling him he was being lied to but he decided to ignore it for now.

xxxxxx

"I owe you an apology," Robin told him as she lined up her shot. "I should never have suggested that you weren't fighting hard enough for him."

Leaning on his cue as Robin sent the white ball rolling down the table with precision, he gave a small shake of his head. "You were right to question me Robin. I need to ask myself some hard questions over the next few days and see what answers I come up with."

Bent over the table, she raised her eyes to him. "Are you thinking of stepping down from his case?"

Eric chewed lightly on his bottom lip. "Kind of. I floated the idea by Patrick and he hated it but I have to what's best for him and that may mean not being his doctor."

"He trusts you" she reminded him softly as she took her second shot.

"I know, and I don't take that lightly but Robin it's possible I am being too conservative, unwilling to take risks I normally would. I need to figure that out and then go from there."

"Is she kicking your ass?" Patrick called to him as he and Alexis joined them.

"Hello? Is the earth round?" Robin quipped back as her third shot hit the far pocket.

Shaking his head, Eric turned to Alexis. "I think you're going to have save me from obliteration."

Smiling shyly, she shrugged her shoulders. "Given that I'm not well versed in pool, I don't know what help I could be."

"You're probably being falsely modest"

"Nah," Robin interrupted, "she is really bad at it."

Mockingly narrowing her eyes, Alexis stuck her tongue out at her friend. "No comments from the peanut gallery thankyouverymuch."

"I think we should play - Eric and Alexis versus Robin and I" Patrick suggested.

"And what would be the wager?" Eric asked suspiciously.

"Hmm. Not sure." Turning to Robin as he slipped his hand around her waist, he smiled wryly. "What do you think Robin? What would you like to win?"

Giggling, she smiled up at him. "I love it when you're cocky."

"You love my-"

She pinched his lips closed. "Hey! Not in front of the guests."

"Sorry" he mumbled.

"Tell you what" she said letting go of Patrick's lips. "The hospital is doing a fundraiser next month for Valentine's day. Black tie and everything. Losers have to buy the winners tickets and the wine at dinner that night."

Eric groaned. "Can't I just write a cheque for 500 or something? I hate Valentine's day."

"Nope" she shook her head, "we will accept not substitutes. We don't have to play, I mean if you're chicken..."

Laughing out loud, Patrick dipped his head and nuzzled her neck. "Oh well played smartypants, well played."

"I'm not just a pretty face" she reminded him as she slipped her hand into his back pocket, squeezing his muscular behind.

Alexis turned to Eric and shrugged. "Look at the upside Eric, they may be so distracted groping each other that we could win."

"Valid point" he replied with a grin. "Rack 'em up!"

"I'll go get us more drinks" Robin offered as she ambled towards the bar. "This is going to be fun!"

xxxxxxx

Several drinks later and playing their sixth game in what had become a best of seven series, Alexis was leaning over the table trying to line up a shot. Unfortunately, her multiple gins and tonics were making it difficult to focus on the green ball she was trying to hit.

"I can't do it!" she sighed in exasperation, standing up.

"Does this mean you're conshe- conshe-giving up?" Robin slurred, dancing happily at the prospect of winning.

"No, it just means...it means...I can't see the goddamn ball!"

"Picture it as Patrick's face" Eric called to her helpfully from his seat beside Patrick, "it always works for me"

"Hey!" Patrick slapped him playfully.

Alexis looked over at him. "I can't do it and we're going to lose and it's going to be your fault."

"My fault? Well I can't have that on my conscience" he announced rising to his feet. Walking behind Alexis, he draped himself over her, his hand over her hand on the front of the cue, his other hand covering hers on the back. "You need to visualize the ball" he said softly, against her ear.

She swallowed thickly, trying to ignore the sensations swirling up inside her as his body leaned against hers. "Uh-huh" she stammered.

"And once you do that, then you pull your cue back" he told her, as he guided her, "and then strike the ball"

Alexis' eyes were closed as the cue made contact with the ball. All thoughts of pool and winning were lost as all she could think of was how the feel of his breath on her skin made her shiver.

"Damn" he said softly, "we missed. We may need some lessons before we challenge them to a rematch" he said, standing up.

"Uh, yeah, lessons - that'd be good" she answered breathlessly, not quite able to meet his eyes.

Reluctantly letting his hands drop, he shuffled back to where his friend was sitting and they both watched as Robin expertly cleared the table of all remaining balls.

Out of the blue, Patrick spoke. "I think I want to marry her"

Doing a double take as he choked on his drink, Eric looked at his friend in surprise. "How drunk are you?"

"Pretty drunk" he admitted, "but I still think I want to marry her." Turning to Eric, he looked at him for a moment before speaking. "So you, uh, you gotta keep me alive so I can, okay?"

Placing his drink on the table to the right of him, Eric blew out his cheeks. "Yeah" he replied hoarsely.

"We WON! We WON!" Robin sang as she skipped over to where the boys were sitting, Alexis following her. "In your FACE Smither-Smither - Eric!" She jumped on to Patrick's lap and locked her hands behind his neck. "We won baby!"

"I can see that!" he laughed, "I'm thinking I may hire you out as a pool shark - think of the money you could make for us. I could be your manager, we could call you Port Charles Slim"

"And what kind of manager's payment would you like?" she teased.

Laughing, Alexis reached for her purse. "I think that's my cue to go, it's way past my bed time."

"I'll walk you out" Eric offered, "I'm not sure how much more gloating I can take." Clapping Patrick on the shoulder, he winked at him. "Later Pantsy - Robin, try not to make anyone else cry for a day or two okay?"

"Can't make any promises" she replied saucily, "I am the Queen of the Pool Table and all mush recognize that!" She gave her best royal wave before dissolving in a fit of giggles.

Placing his hand on the small of her back, Eric escorted Alexis out the door and hailed a taxi for her. As the taxi came to a stop curbside, Alexis shifted nervously from one foot to the other. 

"I guess...I guess I'll see you at the fundraiser next month."

"Yeah" he agreed hoarsely. Lifting his hand, he stroked his thumb against her cheek. Feeling her breath quicken, he dipped his head and captured her lips in a slow, soft kiss that took her completely by surprise. Languidly letting go of her lips, he pressed a card into her hand. "That's my phone number" he said, "you should call me."

xxxxxx

Sitting comfortably astride Patrick's lap, her fingers curling through the soft wisps of hair at the nape of his neck, Robin nibbled on his soft, full lips.

"You're hot when you're competitive" he told her as his hands cupped her behind, pressing her hips against his.

"I thought we agreed I'm hot all the time"

"That too" he agreed with a laugh. He kissed her cheek, then her eyelids and the tip of her nose. "I could spend forever with you" he told her unguardedly.

Her breath hitched and her heart thumped wildly against her ribs. "Me too" she whispered, her eyes locked on his. "Me too."

They said nothing for several beats before Patrick crashed his mouth onto hers, his tongue persistently demanding access to her mouth. Once inside, their tongues wrestled and tangled causing both to moan. Robin began to lightly grind her hips against his and smiled against his mouth as he hissed.

Reluctantly letting go of her mouth, he stared at her breathlessly, gently pushing a stray hair behind her ear. "We should go before I take on that pool table."

"Mmm" she moaned, "that would be hot but I think Coleman would either kick us out or take pictures."

"Eww!"

She slid from his lap and held her hand out to him. "Let's go - I have a surprise to give you and it's best done at home, not here."

After shrugging on his coat, he snaked his arms around her waist and nipped at her earlobe. "I like surprises"

"Taxi!"


	53. Chapter 60

Chapter 60

**Chapter 60**

**I like the way you move me**

**I like the way you bring it to me**

**Love the way you know what's on my mind.**

Patrick fumbled the keys as Robin placed one whispered kiss after another along the back of his neck. She had hopped on his back, wrapping her legs around his waist and pressing her body into his as they had entered the building and hit had been all he could do not to take her up against the wall of the elevator.

She had teased him non-stop from the moment they left Jake's; whispering in his ear, curling her tongue around his earlobe, sweeping her hand across his chest. And as his body had responded to her touch, he had swallowed down one moan after another.

Finally getting the right key in the lock, he pushed open the door and kicked it shut behind them as they crossed the threshold. Carrying her through the living room, he placed her on the breakfast bar before spinning around and fastening his mouth over hers. With his arms braced on either side of her, he thrust his tongue wantonly inside her mouth and groaned as Robin met him with equal alacrity. He loved the feel of her mouth on his, her tongue wrapped around his – he simply could not get enough.

Reluctantly letting go of her lips, he panted breathlessly. "Where is my surprise?" he asked as he took one serrated breath after another.

Her brown eyes twinkled mischievously as she slid from the counter and gently pushed him against the stool. "Presents need to be unwrapped" she teased, playfully tugging on the ties of her wrap top.

Not waiting for further invitation, Patrick reached out and curled his fingers around the soft, silky ties, tugging on them.

Feeling her top start to give way, Robin turned round and round before shrugging out of it. Clad only in dark red lace bra, her breasts threatening to spill out over the top of the cups, she placed her hands on her hips and gave him a feline smile.

"I went shopping at lunch" she told him.

Unconsciously licking his lips in reaction to the sight before him, all he could do was nod.

"But I didn't just buy this" she told him as she cupped her breasts, enjoying the quickening of his breath.

"Th-there's more?"

"Oh yes" Reaching behind her, she slowly lowered the zipper of her skirt, shimmying her hips from side to side as she did so before letting the denim fall to the floor in a pool around her ankles.

Patrick swallowed thickly as she hooked her thumbs through the corners of her matching panties. A small damp patch had formed at the apex of her legs and he felt his own body stir in response.

"Oh Robin" he croaked.

Casually and teasingly she rolled down the stockings first on one leg and then the other. Kicking her skirt to the side, she walked towards him but kept herself just out of arms' reach.

"Th-that's an amazing surprise" he told her, drinking in every inch of her. He shifted on the seat as his erection throbbed insistently in his pants.

"Oh this is only part of the surprise" she said throatily, "there is more to come."

He reached for her but she teasingly shook her head. "Ah, ah, ah – no touching yet."

Reaching behind her, she flicked open the clasp of her bra, letting it tumble to the ground. Her nipples stiffened as the cold air hit them and her breasts swelled in arousal as she watched Patrick's eyes darken into pools of lust. Slipping her fingers inside her panties, she slowly slid them down her legs before kicking them off to the side.

Standing naked in front of him with her shoulders thrust back, she smiled saucily at him. "This is your surprise"

He stared lustily between her legs and felt his breath hitch in his throat. "Bra-brazilian?"

She nodded as she cupped herself. "I also went to the spa at lunch. It's very smooth – do you want to touch it?"

He loved how she never wore her sexuality on the outside, displaying it for everyone; she kept it undercover for when they were together so that it was something for them. A thousand low cut dresses or suggestive skirts could never make him feel the way he did in this moment, knowing that she had all this going on underneath her clothes at Jake's.

With one hand, he pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it to the growing pile of clothes before sliding from the stool. "I don't want to touch it" His voice was husky as he walked towards her.

"No?" she challenged playfully.

"Nuh-uh" He shook his head. Taking hold of her hips, he pushed her back against the sofa before sinking to his knees in front of her.

"I don't want to touch it" he repeated, his mouth hovering near her sex, sending shivers through her entire being. "I want to do this."

Still gripping her hips, he dragged his hot, wet tongue across her folds, exhaling against her soft skin as he did so.

"Fuck" she hissed, tightening her hold on the couch to stay upright.

He closed his lips around her clit and sucked greedily against the hardened nub as Robin's hips undulated against him. Feeling his finger slip inside her sent her into a sensory overload. She tossed her head back; eyes clenched shut as she felt a crescendo building inside her.

"Oh god Patrick" she cried out, her body revving high as he didn't let up. Feeling a second finger slide inside sent her crashing over the edge. Her entire body shook as she rode out the waves of her orgasm.

Just when she didn't think she could stand any longer, Patrick rose to his feet and caught her; his arms wrapped tightly around her waist as she melted into him.

"You are so hot" he murmured. "I love tasting you."

Feeling her heartbeat finally slow, she pried open her eyes and looked up at him, nipping at his lips. "Wow" she sighed contentedly. "Just wow."

He pressed his lips against her jaw following the line to her ear, where he sucked gently on the soft skin. He trailed kisses along the length of her neck while his fingers tugged on her hardened nipples. Robin arched further into his hands, her hips brushing against his near painful erection. He hissed as she gyrated against him.

As she peppered his chest with tiny, staccato kisses, her fingers made quick work of his belt and zipper. She yanked his pants over his hips and smiled against his skin at the growl that escaped from his throat when his arousal was finally set free. His boxer shorts follow his jeans in short order and soon it is Robin who is on her knees before him. His fingers tangled in her hair as she softly kissed the skin of his inner thigh, nipping at it as she worked her way up his muscled legs.

He swallowed thickly to keep from crying out as her warm breath enveloped his arousal, making it twitch and jump.

"Jesus, Robin" he bit out as she kissed his head, her small hands wrapping around him.

Kneeling back, she looked up at him from underneath her eyelashes. "Do you have something in your wallet?" she asked as her hand continued to stroke him.

Not trusting himself to speak, he simply nodded.

With her free hand, she fished his wallet from the back pocket of his jeans and flipping it open, found what she was looking for. Carefully tearing open the small packet, she placed the condom in her mouth and with great care, lowered her mouth over his tip, sheathing him as she took him deeper.

"Fuck" he cried, his hips pushing urgently against her.

Letting go of him with a pop, she let out a small shriek of surprise as she pulled her to her feet, balanced her against the couch and drove hard into her. Her legs wrapped tightly around his hips, her nails dug into his shoulders as their mouths seized on each other, their tongues duelling one with the other.

Cupping her behind, he lifted her from the couch, still thrusting inside her and carried them both to the bedroom. They tumbled onto the bed, never breaking contact with each other.

Feeling a second orgasm build inside her as he continued to take her with passionate urgency, Robin bit down on his shoulder. As he sensed her let go, he followed her over the edge before collapsing on top of her.

Their panting and gasping was the only sound to fill the quiet room. A sheen of sweat covered them both sending a chill through them as he rolled off of her. Reaching for the cover, Robin pulled it over both of them before snaking her arm across his waist.

"Do you think your surprise tops that?" she asked once her heart had stopped threatening to beat outside her chest.

His eyes were still closed as he shook his head. "Not a chance, nothing beats that."

Her bottom lip jutted out in a pout. "Does this mean I don't get my surprise?"

Opening one eye, he grinned at her. "Oh you get it, it just doesn't top your surprise."

"What is it?"

"I'll tell you later" he teased.

She playfully slapped his chest. "No! Give it to me now!"

Propping himself up on his hand, he arched his eyebrow. "I'm pretty sure I just gave it to you – twice" he told her with a sly smile.

Burying her head against her shoulder, Robin stifled her laughter. "That's not what I meant and you know it! Now tell me what it is or there will be no third time!"

He brushed his lips against hers and let his fingertips trail down the back of her arm. "Fine – I got us box seats to the Rangers/Devils game on the 10th. I thought we could make a weekend of it in the city."

Her brown eyes widened as a squeal escaped from her mouth. "OH MY GOD!!"

"You like?"

"LIKE? My boy Brodeur is going to make your overpaid pansy ass team cry!"

Laughing, he shook his head. "This seemed like a much better idea a couple of minutes ago."

Rolling on top of him and pressing her body against hers, Robin nuzzled his neck. "It's a brilliant idea. I think we may need round three."

Closing his arms around her, he swept her underneath him and hovered over her mouth. "Here's to surprises"


	54. Chapter 61

**Chapter 61**

**Truth is worth more than pride**

The persistent bleating of the alarm echoed in the bedroom. With a groan, Patrick rolled over and slammed his hand down on the snooze button. Rolling back, he gazed at Robin, her rich brown hair fanned out around her against the crisp white pillow case and with a slight tremble in his hand, he stroked it. Her lashes fluttered against her cheek as a soft sigh escaped from her lips.

"Robin" he called to her softly, "it's time to get up."

Protesting with a low groan, she tightened her grip on the sheets and rolled on to her side.

Lightly trailing his fingertips along her exposed back, he pressed a kiss to her shoulder. "Come on Robin, it's time."

"Uh-uh" she grunted.

"I'll put the coffee on and get your meds. Why don't you hop into the shower?"

"Yeah" she rasped, still not opening her eyes.

He left a quick kiss against her neck before pushing the covers back. Pulling on his boxer shorts, he padded to the kitchen.

Rolling on to her back, she slowly opened her eyes. Her muscles were on fire and her head was pounding - all she wanted was to go back to sleep. Tugging the sheets to her chin, she let out a slow shuddering breath. Lifting her head from the pillow, she was met with shooting pains all through her body and with a small groan, she clenched her eyes shut and flopped back against the pillow.

She flinched as she felt Patrick's hand on her shoulder. His normally gently touch felt like pins and needles against her skin. "Hey" he said softly, giving her a small shake. "Robin you have to get up or you're going to be late."

"I just need to sleep for another hour" she mumbled.

He gave her a curious look. It was completely out of character for her to sleep through her alarm and he felt a small shiver shimmy down his spine. "I brought your meds in with a bagel -you need to take those now."

Knowing he was right, she let out a loud sigh and slowly sat up, grimacing as she did so. Reaching for the glass of juice and her pills, she exhaled slowly as she placed the pill under her tongue.

"Do you want eggs for breakfast?" he asked quietly.

Blanching at the mention of food, Robin simply shook her head.

"Pretty hungover, huh? Or did I just wear you out last night?" he teased.

Having swallowed the last of her pills, she set the glass back down on the nightstand. "Perhaps a bit of both" she joked. Kneeling up, she brushed her lips against his. "Thanks for bringing me my meds."

He kissed her softly. "I'm trying to prove my worth as a house husband." His cheeks reddened immediately as the words left his mouth and they both stared at each other in surprise. "Actually, what I meant to say was my worth as a ...um..."

Chuckling lightly, Robin pushed back the covers and swung her legs to the floor. Grabbing her robe from the bed post she pulled it over her shoulders and walked around to the bed to where he was sitting. "You're cute when you freak yourself out." She nipped at his lips.

Patrick's hands slid around her waist as he returned her kiss. "Want my help in the shower?"

Smiling, she shook her head. "Not this morning baby. I just need to try and feel human again."

"Okay"

He gave her a light tap on the ass as she headed to the bathroom and was rewarded with a swivel of her hips in response. He shook his head at how easily the word 'husband' had escaped from his lips and flashed back to his conversation with Eric about wanting to marry her. It had been the most amazing thing, once he had realized that he wanted to marry her, a sense of calm had taken over his entire being; as though he suddenly understood what he was supposed to be doing. Now he just needed to get through this business with the tumour and he could get on with the business of his life. Flexing his left hand, he frowned at the persistent tremor. His hand would shake and tremble almost all the time now and he tried to ignore it but as the number of glasses, papers and keys dropped from his hand, it was becoming more difficult to do so. The sooner this was over the better.

xxxxx

Robin cradled her head in her hands as she leaned over her desk. She felt like a surfer as she rode wave after wave of nausea; her knees felt weak and her head pounded. And though she had been trying to convince herself differently for the last four hours, she knew this was not a hangover. Reaching for the handle of the bottom drawer, she pulled it open and retreived the Yale sweatshirt she kept there. Slipping off her lab coat, she pulled the soft fleece over her head before turning her attention back to the files in front of her.

She had pulled case files on every study of meningioma that she could get her hands on. Eric may not want her on his team but that didn't mean she was going to roll over and let other people take care of the person she loved. When Stone had developed AIDS she had been a teenager and there was nothing she could do for him other than hold his hand; when Jason had his catastrophic brain injury, she had again been without resources to help him outside of loving him. She was a doctor now - some would even say a brilliant one - and she was going to use everything she had to help Patrick.

As her mind drifted she grinned, thinking of his 'house husband' comment that morning and his immediate discomfort. Six months ago she would have been dissecting and analyzing exactly what Patrick's embarrassment meant but not now. In their time together she had learned that Patrick's heart worked faster than his head and every once in a while his heart spoke before he was ready. She knew he had been joking - to an extent. But she also knew their feelings for each other were intensifying, even if they did a lousy job saying it at the time.

There had been a time when she was with Jason that she had dreamed of marriage, that she had believed it possible. But as their relationship imploded and the pain of that failure sent her running as far as she could for as long as she could, she had pushed all thoughts of marriage from her head. Her time in Paris had been more rewarding professionally than personally and she had come to accept that marriage was likely not in the cards for her. Though she had been saddened by the realization at the time, she was also an inately practical person and knew her life would be full with or without it.

But now those images she had as a teenager of a life with a partner, with love, were slowly coming back into view. She could imagine a life with Patrick - in fact, if she were being perfectly honest she already had. On paper they were a pairing that shouldn't work but they did. He loved her, he respected her and he challenged her; three things that were massively important to her. He also made her feel safe without making her feel fragile, he made her laugh - loudly and having him in her life made her happier than anything ever had.

It was the dream of the future that was pushing her to find the solution to the present.

"Hey stranger - Happy New Year."

Robin lifted her head at the sound of the voice and gave a small smile as Darren filled her doorway. "Hey yourself - how are you?"

Darren stepped through the door. "I'm good. The question is how are you?"

Ignoring the pounding in her head and smiling gamely Robin said, "Great."

"How is Patrick?"

Robin exhaled slowly. "He's getting through. Treatment is getting a little more challenging but it'll be over soon and things will be back to normal."

He eyed her carefully, more interested in what she wasn't saying rather than what she was. "So listen - there's a meeting starting in ten minutes and I was wondering if I could tempt you with some chocolate chip cookies?"

"That's very kind" she began, "but I'm up to my eyeballs in charts" she told him waving her hand over the pile on her desk.

"Robin - you haven't been in a long and maybe coming back might be a good thing."

"Darren, really, I'm fine. The meetings were a huge help when I needed it but I'm doing fine without it."

He raised his eyebrow in a challenge. "Really."

"Really" She gave him a determined look.

"How long have you had the flu?"

She narrowed her gazed. "I don't have the flu" she lied, "I'm hungover. Patrick and I were out with friends last night. God Darren, not everything is a crisis. That's one of the the things that I hate about group" she snapped, "nothing is ever just okay - everything is always bad or a crisis or whatever."

He looked at her in surprise. "Wow - I had no idea you were so...angry" he told her softly.

"I'm not angry" she replied tightly. "I just don't feel the need to sit in a room with a bunch of other people these days, okay? I went there when I needed it and now I don't." Beads of perspiration clung to her forehead and her fingers curled around the edge of her desk to keep her upright.

He held up his hands. "I meant no offense and I won't make the mistake again. But let's cut the bullshit shall we? I'm no doctor but I know that you aren't hungover. And I'm not shrink but I can feel your anger coming off you in waves. It sounds like things are going as great as you want them to be going and you are hanging on for dear life. Do something today about the flu and you know the options that are available to you for everything else. Take care" He turned on his heel and left.

Furstration bubbled up inside her and picking her stapler she hurled it across the room before sinking on to her stool.

xxxxxx

Noah watched his son carefully as he balanced his fork in his left hand;the silverware caught the light as it quivered in his hand. Feeling his father's eyes on him, he looked up and met his gaze.

"It's not polite to stare."

Noah's cheeks tinged with a hint of embarrassment at being caught. "Sorry" he mumbled. "How are you?"

"Would you believe me if I said good?"

"That depends - are you telling the truth?"

Pushing his eggs around on his plate, Patrick leaned back against his chair and let out a small sigh. "For the most part I am" he admitted. "The radiation is kicking my ass and my appetite is nearly non-existant but Robin and I were out last night with Eric and Alexis and we had a great time. My hand was even steady enough to play some pool."

"That's great" Noah told him with a smile, trying to swallow down the pain in his heart.

His proud, cocky, talented son was becoming a shadow of his former self. And while the weight loss and evident fatigue bothered it, it was the tremor in his hand that hurt him. He had always felt his son's hands were some of the most talented to be found in any operating room and to watch him struggle to hold a fork gripped his heart.

"This sucks" Patrick said holding up his shaky hand, reading his father's thoughts. "It feels like my body is quitting on me but it's only temporary" he said confidently.

"Have you and Eric talked surgery?"

He shrugged. "Here and there. The tumor is still enlarged and so we're waiting for the radiation to do its job - well actually I think it's doing it's job now."

"Are you...do you still want him as your doctor?"

Patrick furrowed his brow. "Did you...did you say something to him?" he asked tightly, trying to keep his temper in check.

He shook his head. "Absolutely not. I just want to make sure you comfortable with him as your surgeon. I know how close you two are and it can be tricky-"

"It isn't" he interjected. "He's okay with it and I am too."

"How is Robin?" he ventured more carefully.

"She's great" he beamed. Just the mention of her name produced an involuntary smile. "She killed all of us in pool last night. She's paying for it today though - she's a little hungover but she's tough."

The disagreement he had with his son's girlfriend still echoed loudly in his ears. He had played it over and over again but still came to the same conclusion - he was not ready to destroy the last memories that Patrick had of his mother. It would acheive nothing and he did not share Robin's opinion that it would somehow let him off the hook. However, there were other things he could share. Afterall his son's opinion of him was already low.

"I know you have a lot on your plate Patrick but you need to watch out for her."

Patrick dropped his fork, a small shiver running down his spine. "What do you mean?"

"It's just...it's very easy to the caregiver to get lost in everything."

"I am not taking her for granted" he stated defensively, his temper rising up again.

Noah smiled kindly. "Sport, I have no doubt about that. I know you love her and would do anything for her."

"Then what are you getting at?" he snapped.

He nervously licked his lips and for a brief moment, stared into his coffee cup hoping it would provide the courage a glass of burbon used to. "I started drinking as your mom's situation got worse"

Patrick folded his arms across his chest and stared at his father, daring him to say something about his mother - to stray for the truth. It would give him the excuse he needed to let him have it. "Mom made you drink?"

"No. God, no. That was my choice Patrick but it wasn't like after your mom di-...after her surgery that I suddenly discovered alcohol."

He was confused by where his father was going with this conversation but was unwiling to let his defenses down. "What do you mean?"

"I mean it was...it was really lonely and terrifying taking care of your mom. As she got worse, so did my stress and my heartbreak" he admitted. "And so I would start with a nightcap, just a little something to take the edge off. And then on days off, I would have a drink in the mid-afternoon - telling myself that it was a pre-dinner cocktail. By the time your mother died I was a high funcitoning alcoholic."

It had taken him more than three years to finally tell his son the truth but he needed him to understand how far reaching the effect of an illness could be.

"Were you DRUNK when you operated?" he hissed, leaning forward.

"NO! Absolutely not Patrick" he told him earnestly. "When I say high functioning, I mean that I would not drink when I was working but then would slip into a bad pattern when I wasn't. When your mom - when Mattie died I went from high functioning to non-functioning."

"Is this your not so subtle way of telling me you think Robin might start drinking? Because she's not weak like you - she's strong and she believes in me"

Noah winced at his son's statement. Truth was rarely soft or gentle - it would be too hard to recognize it if it were. "Not at all Patrick. Drinking is my vice not Robin's. I'm just telling you so that you keep an eye on her. She loves you and wants you healthy - we both do. Just don't let her lose herself in you because it's not easy to come back from that."

Angered at the new information, at the new light in which he had to look at his father, he pushed his chair back and stood up. "I'm tired" he announced. "Thanks for breakfast but I need to head home." Grabbing his coat from the back of his chair, he slung it over his shoulders and without so much of a backwards glance, headed out of the diner.

Leaning back in his chair, Noah looked up at the ceiling and sighed. "That temper is all your doing Mattie" he said quietly. "Help me look after our boy."


	55. Chapter 62

**Chapter 62**

**You're hiding from me now**

"You don't have to walk me through the door" Robin stated as she dropped her keys in the small cermaic bowl and shrugged off her coat.

Closing the door behind them, Mac simply shook his head. Walking to the kitchen, he filled the kettle with water and placed it on the stove. He watched as his niece shuffled to the couch before flopping against the soft cushions. At the hospital on a police matter, he stopped by her lab in hopes he could entice her to join him for lunch but one look at her had stopped him cold. She was pale and a slight sheen of perspiration covered her forehead. Any illusion he had that she wasn't sick evaporated when she put up no argument to his suggestion that she go home.

It didn't matter how old she was or how independant she was, he would always worry about her. As the kettle whistled, he reached for two mugs, plopped in tea bags and filled them with boiling water. Carrying them to the living room, he set them down on the table and reaching for the navy blue afghan, tucked it around her before settling down beside her.

Reaching for the steaming mug, she wrapped her hands around it and simply held it. "I'm okay" she told him.

"No you aren't."

"Uncle Mac, it's just the flu-"

"Robin" he interjected. "You and I both know that it is never 'just the flu' when it comes to you and I don't understand why you wouldn't go see Alan before coming home."

Exhaling slowly, she held his gaze for several beats. "Because I'm a doctor. Because I know there is nothing he would tell me to do that I won't do for myself."

"Why were you even at work today?" His tone was sharper than he had intended it to be.

Cocking an eyebrow, she gave him a small smile. "Am I going to need a lawyer or are you going to read me my rights?"

Mac's face softened immediately. "Sweetheart, I'm not trying to give you a hard time, I'm just worried."

Nodding, she took a long sip of her tea. "I know Uncle Mac. Honestly, I just thought I was hungover this morning and it wasn't until I started to feel worse, not better that I realized it was the flu."

The skeptical look on her uncle's face told her that he didn't quite buy what she was selling but she also knew he would let it drop. Or at least she hoped he would. She had no energy to devote to arguing about her health.

Bringing his mug to his lips, Mac blew on it to cool the rising steam before taking a drink. "How is Patrick?" he asked casually.

"He's good" she told him with a smile.

"I mean his health Robin. Because I think his health is affecting yours."

"Uncle Mac-"

He held up his hand. "Don't even try Robin. Tell me how things are going - honestly."

Nestling further back against the arm of the couch, she folded her knees against her chest and chewed thoughtfully on her bottom lip as she contemplated her answer. Telling the truth about the situation was tricky as she was not even sure if she told herself the truth. "He's going to need surgery" she said quietly.

"Why doesn't he have it now?"

"The tumour is still too big and if they were to try and remove it the risk to permanent brain damage or d-death," she tripped over the word as she knew she would. She tripped over it in her mind all the time. "would be too great."

"Ah."

"Is his treatment working?"

"He thinks it is."

"What do you think?"

She shook her head. "Not enough" she told him hoarsely. "It's not enough." Leaning forward, she set the mug down on the table and wound her fingers through the soft material of the blanket. "His hand. He has this tremor. And I hate it, Uncle Mac. I hate his tremor. It used to shake just a little bit every once in a while but now it shakes almost all the time. It'll shake when he holds my hand or when he touches me. It kills me to see his hand - a hand that has healed, literally healed, hundreds of people and now it can barely hold a pen. And it's like it's taunting me, reminding me that I could...I could lose him."

"Oh sweetheart" he sighed as he moved across the couch to wrap her in his arms.

Standing on the other side of the door, with is key in hand, Patrick stood frozen as he heard Robin's words. Looking down at his hand as it trembled, he clenched his eyes shut and swallowed down a groan.

Swiping at her tears, she gave her uncle a watery smile. "I'm blaming the flu" she said, "for my sudden outburst."

At the mention of the flu, Patrick blanched. He had dismissed her lethargy that morning as a hangover and suddenly his father's words about the toll on the caregiver came crashing back.

Mac stroked her cheek lovingly. "Robin, you can't keep this stuff inside of you - that's as hard on your immunity as anything."

A conversation with Darren about the importance of emotional immunity flashed through her mind and she smiled wryly. "I just want his hand to stop shaking because if it stops shaking then I know he's getting better and I can breathe again. "

Pocketing his keys, Patrick turned on his heel and disappeared back down the hallway and out the building.

"I don't mean for it to sound so sad" she said with a smile. "He and I are actually doing really well. Uncle Mac this is the best relationship I've ever been in. He loves me, he respects and even in the middle of all of this we have a lot of fun."

"I am glad for you" he told her. "But Robin I don't want you putting yourself at risk for anyone and if it's getting to be too much then you have to say something because if you don't the cost is too high."

She nodded. "I'm not taking a risk Uncle Mac. I love him and we're going to get through this together."

Feeling the vibration from his bepper, he sighed. "I have to go" he told her. "But I want you to promise to call me if you need me, even if you don't want to."

"I promise" she grinned, thinking of all the times he had stood by her side. Her ability to face the world head on came in large part from the support and love he had provided to her as a teenager. "Thanks for coming home with me."

He kissed her forehead and rose to his feet. "Any time Robin. I love you."

"Love you too."

xxxxxx

"Patrick are you sure?"

He looked up at his colleague and nodded. "Liam, I've done all the research on this and it's not contraindicated. I'm not doing this to get back to surgery or anything but just to steady my hand to help with activities of daily living. I'm hardly the first neuro patient you've done this for."

The plastic surgeon looked at him, studying his face. "No. Botox injections for tremors can be very helpful but there are downsides. It can worsen numbness in the fingers and it doesn't last."

"I don't need it to last for long" he told him, trying to hide his irritation.

There was so much about his condition that he could not control but if reducing the shaking in his hand would give Robin some peace of mind then he would do whatever needed to be done. His walk to the hospital had been filled with recriminations at his inability to pick up on Robin's concerns. He had always been a somewhat selfish person but since his diagnosis he had become much more self centred. That needed to stop. Robin was a once in a lifetime chance at love and he could not let her down.

"Fine" Liam agreed, interrupting his thoughts, "but I'll give you a total of two doses. You come back a third time and the answer is no."

He had been surprised to find his colleague appear, unannounced, in his office not only asking for a Botox injection to help quell his tremors but insisting he needed it right away. His urgency had set off some alarm bells but reassured that he wasn't going to use to it to regain his active medical status, he could think of no reason to deny him. Doctor Drake's condition was well known throughout the hospital and he felt sympathetic to his situation.

"That's fine." Patrick let out a small sigh of relief. "I won't need it a third time, of that I'm sure."

"Okay. Off with the shirt and I'll prep the syringe."

xxxxx

Opening the apartment door quietly, Patrick slipped inside and carefully closed it behind him. Having hung up his coat, he tip toed into the kitchen and deposited the brown take out bag on the counter. Walking back into the living room, he leaned against the entrance, staring at Robin asleep on the couch. Her wan complexion was only highlighted by the dark blanket pulled up around her neck. Flexing his left hand, he hoped the Botox would works its magic sooner rather than later.

"I'm not sleeping" came her raspy voice.

"Hey" Crossing the room he sat down beside her, stealing a quick kiss. "You're home early"

Pulling herself to a sitting position, Robin wiped the sleep from her eyes, smiling weakly. Any hope she had at covering the flu had disappeared as the symptoms had worsened through the day.

"I have the flu"

"I'm sorry" he told her quietly. "How do you feel?"

"Like you parked one of your race cars on me."

His hand swept along her collarbone, gently massaging her skin. "So you're going to be off for a few days, right? And understand here, the only answer I'm accepting is yes."

"Down boy" she teased, "yes I'm off until I'm over it."

"This means I get to take care of you."

She furrowed her brow as she spoke. "I don't know. Your bedside manner really isn't very good"

Pursing his lips together, he nodded his agreement. "True. But my in bed manner is excellent."

Robin laughed lightly. "I'm not sure how much fun I'm going to be but I'm kind of looking forward to hanging out just the two of us."

Bussing her lips, he smiled against her mouth. "Put yourself in my hands Robin. I'll take great care of you."

Curling her hand around his shirt, she tugged him closer to her and snuggled against him as he wrapped his arms around her. "You always do."


	56. Chapter 63

**Chapter 63**

**Be the one I need**

**Be the one I trust the most**

With her head resting on his shoulder, Robin continued to sneak looks at him. A hint of stubble was beginning to appear against his cheeks, flecks of grey peeked out from his dark brown hair and fine lines framed his eyes; he was still the most beautiful man she had ever seen.

"If you keep looking at me" he said slowly, not taking his eyes from the television, "you're going to miss your precious Mister Darcy and his smouldering looks as whatsherface plays the piano."

"I'm just making sure you're still awake" she teased. "And her name is Elizabeth - Elizabeth Bennett and he is the hottest man going."

It was three days since Robin had come home with the flu and true to his word, Patrick was taking excellent care of her. Much to her frustration, she found out how serious he was about her being on bed rest, having ordered her back to bed on more than one occasion. He had cooked, done the laundry and rented almost every available video in the store. They had been bunked in bed watching movies, napping and talking and apart from the flu, Robin couldn't help but think it was the best time they had shared.

"See, I don't see what she or any of you see in Mister Darcy. He's arrogant, pushy, bossy and smug."

Pulling back, Robin eyed him carefully. "Did you want to think about that a little longer?"

"Shut up" he told her kindly, stealing a kiss.

"I have to say" she began, snuggling in closer to him, "I'm impressed that you agreed to watch all eight hours of Pride and Prejudice."

"It's not the first time I've seen it" he muttered.

Her eyes widened in shock. "Whaaat? Did you do this before to try and seduce some poor English major at school?"

"Hardly," he sniffed. "I was FORCED to watch it."

A small smile played across Robin's lips. "With your mom?"

He nodded. "Oh yes. It was payback."

Reaching for the remote, she hit the pause button and turned her attention to him. It was still difficult to get him to open up about his childhood but every once in a while some story would slip out and she would discover another little piece of him. When those opportunities presented themselves she wanted to ensure she took full advantage of them.

"Payback for what? Had you been a bad boy?" she joked.

His fingers curled through through her silky hair and trailed down the back of her neck. "Not me - my dad. We used to do this thing on Sunday mornings - we would watch a movie together. My dad worked a lot and as the senior surgeon on staff his schedule was wildly unpredictable - people were always calling him in for consults because back then he was still the great Noah Drake - miracle worker and giver of hope to the hopeless."

She flinched inwardly at the tinge of bitterness framing his description of his father. There was little doubt in her mind that he loved his father - he had risked his career and his life to keep him alive and every once in a while, when he was working, she would catch him looking at him, echoes of hero worship still evident in his eyes. She had her own parental struggles but their impact had always been made easier by the knowledge that whatever choices her parents made they made because they loved her and wanted her safe. She knew that Patrick hadn't had that same assurance and trusting his father now was, at times, an overwhelming process.

"So you had movie day?" she prodded, trying to get him back on track.

"Yeah. He insisted on having Sundays off so we had this kind of tradition where each week one of us got to pick a movie and we would watch it on Sunday mornings. My dad would make waffles and my mom would set up bowls with M&Ms and Reese's Pieces. I'd usually take them and drop them over my waffles, letting the chocolate melt and making them gooey. And we'd watch a movie - some times two." He shook his head. "It's funny, I...even as a teenager I still did the Sunday movie thing - I never thought of missing it."

Robin snaked her arm around his waist and pressed a kiss to his shoulder. "So why was your mom paying back your dad with Pride and Prejudice."

He smirked as the memory came flooding back. "The week before had been my dad's week to pick the movie and he subjected us to Das Boot - all four hours in German with English subtitles. It was awful and so my mother got Pride and Prejudice the next week and we watched all of it one sitting while she cooed and moaned over Mister Darcy. My dad was irritated and amsued all at once."

"Sounds like it was a lot of fun in your house" she remarked.

"It was" he admitted unguardedly. "Robin, I had an amazing childhood. My parents were crazy in love with each other and they loved me and the biggest drama until my mom got sick was who was going to take me to baseball practice or to the track. You know, if my mom hadn't...if my dad hadn't fallen to pieces I think I'd have been different."

She gently stroked his arm. "How?"

He shrugged lightly. "I don't know. I probably would have had at least one other long term relationship before you. I might have even let myself fall in love."

Smiling shyly, she looked up at him. "You let yourself fall in love with me?"

"Hell no" he answered with a grin. "I had no choice but to love you."

Scrunching up her face, she gave him a curious look. "I think that's a good thing?"

With a smile, he dipped his head towards hers and kissed her softly. "It is - trust me."

"Do you...you want kids?" she asked quickly, the words tumbling from her mouth before she could stop them.

His eyebrow arched up questioningly. "With you or in general?" he asked her cautiously.

"In general" she amended quickly.

Blowing out his cheeks, he was silent for several minutes as he considered his answer. At different times in his life, the answer would have rolled off his tongue with ease. When he was younger, he absolutely pictured himself married with children but as his family fell apart, that picture faded and was replaced with one of him, alone - the ultimate bachelor with few committments or ties. But now as he found himself in love and dealing with a potentially life threatening illness, the answer was neither easy nor clear.

"There are days" he began, unsteadily, "that I think I would like that but with this thing in my head, I can't go there right now. And I would want to be a good dad, Robin - I would want to be sure somehow that I wouldn't..." he groped for the word, for the adjective which best described him, "...damage...that I wouldn't damage a child of mine the way I am."

Robin held his gaze for several beats; his self assessment had rendered her breathless. Reaching up, she swept her hand across his cheek, her thumb running underneath his eye. "Patrick, you aren't damaged," she told him confidently. "You may be battered and bruised but you aren't damaged."

Saying nothing he simply nipped at her lips, revelling in their softness against his own. Slowly letting go of the kiss, he smiled. "How about you? Do you want kids?"

Her brown eyes grew wide in surprise. "Uh...with you or in general?" she stammered, not expecting his question.

"In general" he said with a small smile.

"Well...I guess...I know it's a possiblity for me now and 10 years ago it really wasn't. I think...I think I'd like to be a mom but I just don't know if I should."

He was stunned by her answer. He had expected an unequivocal yes, not the cautious, measured answer he received. In his mind there was little doubt that Robin should be a mother. She was everything that a child could want in a parent - smart, loving, courageous, accomplished - and he knew as surely as he knew anything that she would be brilliant as a mother.

"What do you mean 'if you should'? Robin you know that for someone with a viral as low as yours, the possiblity of transmission is almost non-existant."

"Non-existant doesn't mean impossible" she corrected gently. "I could always adopt but is it fair to bring a child to my life when I know that I may not...I may not be around for a long time."

The mere mention of her mortality squeezed his heart. Taking a silent breath, he steadied himself before speaking. "None of us are promised a tomorrow Robin - you and I both know that better than most. I think you'd be an amazing mom and if that is something you want then you shouldn't dismiss it."

Tears welled in her eyes as she threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly. "That might be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me" she said against his neck.

"I mean it" he whispered as he kissed her cheek. "Besides," he said more loudly, "I'm just trying to be as hot as Mister Darcy" he joked.

Robin laughed, her head buried in his shoulder.

Gently letting go of her, he grinned. "I'm going to get us some more popcorn and possibly a towel."

"A towel?" she asked as she swiped at the tears that had only threatened to spill.

"Yeah a towel. Aren't we getting close to the part where Darcy goes swimming in his pond? Someone is going to have to wipe up your puddle of drool." He laughed and dashed out of the room as Robin sent a pillow sailing at his head.

He came back to the bedroom carrying a large bowl of popcorn and two glasses. Robin retreived the bowl from him and set it down on the bed. She watched as he placed her glass on the nightstand. Looking at his hand, she saw little evidence of the persistent tremor and felt her heart expand with hope. Taking hold of his hand, she brought it to her lips and kissed it.

"I'll tell you a secret and if you tell any of the girls, I'll deny it AND I'll tell them I caught you watching Bananas in Pajamas."

Rolling his eyes, he fixed her with a teasing look. "What's your big secret then?"

"You are way hotter than Mister Darcy."


	57. Chapter 64

**Chapter 64**

**The good ole hockey game is the best game you can name**

**The best game you can name is the good ole hockey game**

"You realize that I am not going to come to your defense when people start razzing you, right?"

Adjusting her sweater Robin turned and glared at her boyfriend as he sat on the bed, a satisfied smirk gracing his face. "It's not my fault if idiot Ranger fans can't grasp the brilliance of Martin Brodeur" she shot back as she rolled up the sleeves of her New Jersey Devils sweater.

"Idiot Ranger fans?" he queried. "Robin I know you're ferocious and all but this is New York and people take this kind of stuff very seriously."

"I can handle myself" she told him confidently with a smile. "And I can handle you" she added teasingly.

"Oh I know" he replied with a grin. "I'm still recovering from your handling."

They had arrived in the city the day before and after checking in to their hotel had set about exploring the city. Patrick found comfort in the familiar sounds and smells of his city. While the Botox was working wonders on his tremor it was doing little to help his shortened temper. He found himself on the verge of a full meltdown on a far too regular basis. It took all of his self control not to give into it - at least not while Robin was around. But once he was home, walking the streets that he knew so well, he felt much of the tension leave his body.

They had walked through Central Park and Patrick told her of the late night hockey games he and his friends had played on the rink as a way to burn off some of the stress from school. They had wandered to his favourite restaurant in the Village for dinner. It was a hole in the wall Italian place that would never be found in any Zagat's guide but for Patrick it housed a bucketload of memories. He had been surprised when Victor, the owner, remembered him and greeted him with a bear hug before ushering them to his 'best' table. They were treated like royalty with samples of various dishes appearing from the kitchen and wine flowing freely. Robin had laughed loudly and freely as Victor regaled her with tales of Patrick's dates and the rating system the staff had developed to determine if the girl was going to last at all. In a loud stage whisper he told her that none of his dates ever came back a second time but hoped that she would.

As they had left the restaurant large, fluffy flakes fell delicately from the sky and overcome by the magic of the moment, Patrick had gathered his girlfriend in his arms, pushed her up against a lamp post and kissed her senseless. Everything about his home felt bigger because he could share it with her. It had been an interesting taxi ride back to the hotel as they had been barely able to keep their hands to themselves, stopping only when the driver cleared his throat -for the second time. Barely out of the taxi, he had scooped her up in his arms, carried her into the hotel and to their room where they had made love long into the night. It had been one of the most romantic nights of his life.

"Yes well," Robin interrupted his thoughts, "I promise to handle you again tonight after my team kills yours."

"You know I'm kind of insulted and turned on all at once."

"That's the plan" she told him with a grin. "Ready to go?"

Grabbing his Rangers sweater from the bed, he slipped it over his head, deliberately smoothing down the logo before holding out his hand to her. "Come on Tiger - let's introduce you to New York sports fans."

Robin let out a low whistle as they were escorted into their box for the game. Two leather stools were placed at the small bar overlooking the ice surface. A bottle of champagne was chilling on ice and a small buffet of snack foods could be found on the table and the bar. There was a flat screen monitor hanging in the corner to ensure they didn't miss a minute of the action.

"Wow." Turning around, she grinned at her boyfriend. "This really is the highlife."

He waggled his eyebrows in response. "You like?"

"What's not to like? I have an unobstructed view of the ice, all the better to watch my boy stone your boys..."

Walking to her, he encircled her waist and pulled her flush to him, nipping at her lips. "Do you have any idea how hot you make me when you talk jock?"

Lightly shimmying her hips against his, she smiled knowingly. "I think I may have some idea."

"Evil" he gritted good naturedly.

"And you love it. So is it really just the two of us in here for the whole game?"

"It is."

"How did you score that?" she asked as she continued to look around the suite. She picked up the Go Rangers before dropping it back down on the table.

Having retreived a beer from the fridge, he silently cursed his weakened grip as he tried to twist the cap off. After the third try he finally managed to free the bottle of its top. Leaning against the stool, he smiled as he watched her work her way around the suite, not wanting to miss a moment. There was a child-like wonderment to her examination and the expression on her face was one he knew well; he often saw it when she was working. What made Robin such a great researcher was her delight in discovery. For her what she learned along the way was as important as solving the problem - it was a quality he admired in her and wish he had more of himself.

"I know people" he replied smugly.

Stopping where she was at the far end of the suite, she slowly turned to look at him. The sight of him, his jeans slung low on his hips, his brown hair deliberately messy and his rich, brown eyes shining brightly caused a quiver inside of her. As much as she used to ride him for his arrogance and confidence she also liked it. His belief in himself, his confidence in what he knew to be true was incredibly attractive and channeled the right way could make her weak in the knees.

Her eyebrow arched in a challenge. "You know people?"

He took a long drink of his beer and nodded. "I know people."

"You're kind of making me hot right now - do you think they would kick us out if we got naked?" She strolled sultrily towards him, smiling as he licked his lips. Positioning herself between his legs, she slid her hands underneath his sweater, sweeping them across his chest.

Sucking in a breath and swallowing thickly, he set his beer down on the bar. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure they would kick us out."

"But not positive?" Her fingers curled around his beltbuckle.

"N-no - not positive" he stammered.

"Interesting" she teased, her fingers brushing lightly across his zipper.

His hand clamped down on hers. "Robin" he whined. "You have to stop."

"I thought you liked me bold."

"I do" he nodded vigorously, "but I wanna see the game and if you keep doing that we're going to wind up in Rangers jail."

Snickering, she let go of his belt. "Rangers jail?"

"Down in the bowels of the building, there's a holding pen that they put you in until the NYPD come."

"Dare I ask how you know this?"

"No."

His fingers curled through her belt loops and dipping his head, he closed his lips over hers and slid his tongue inside her velvety soft mouth. He swallowed down her moan as their tongues tangled with each other. She linked her hands around his neck and deepened the kiss. As his hands trailed along her sides she could not help but think how nice it was to feel his hands steady once again.

Breathless, they reluctantly pulled away and simply stared at each other. Patrick tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear as the player introductions echoed over the public address system. Nibbling on her bottom lip, he smiled against her mouth.

"Game on" he whispered.

Robin growled as the second period came to an end. Her team was down three goals and her boyfriend was using every opportunity he could to remind her of that fact. This was definitely not an occasion where he was channeling his arrogance in the right way. She watched as Patrick slid from his stool and walked to the champagne bucket. Pulling the bottle from the ice, he wrapped a towel around the cork and slowly eased it from the bottle's neck. As he filled two flutes with the blonde bubbly liquid, she decided that she needed to extract a little revenge.

As he sat back down, placing a champagne flute in front of her, Robin rose from her seat and sat on his lap. She leaned back against him and sighed as he closed his arms around her and gently nuzzled her neck. It was something she rarely admitted but she was needy about being touched. There were so many times in her life when people had been afraid to touch her, afraid to drink from a water fountain after her, afraid to kiss her, that having finally found someone who was happy to touch her only made her crave it more. Though she had never told Patrick about what it meant to her, how it could make her feel whole when he would take her in his arms she was sure he knew. He was never shy about holding her hand in public, kissing her, hugging her, sharing his personal space with her.

That being said, she still needed to bring him down a peg or two. As she sat comfortably in his lap she began to gyrate her hips against his, at first lightly and then more insistently.

"Rooobin" he groaned as the friction increased. "What are you doing?"

Looking at him over her shoulder, she grinned. "Back checking. How is your..._stick_ control?"

"Oh god" he moaned. "You are trying to kill me."

"No" she replied innocently, "I am not trying to kill you - I'm just trying to keep up with the game."

Her hips continued to move against him as she dragged her hands the length of his lean thighs.

"Are you trying to score?" he asked, his lips whispering just below her ear.

A small shiver ran through her body. "M-maybe" she mumbled.

"I see." His hands slipped underneath her sweater and with agonizing slowness worked their way to her breasts. As he closed his hands around them, tugging gently at her nipples, he leaned forward. "Don't you know that the key to scoring is puck possession?"

"I...I...I could get puck possession" she protested, her eyes fluttering shut as he kneaded her breasts and he nipped at her neck.

"Nah" he told her quietly. "You can't have puck possession when you're back checking - you're being defensive then, not offensive." His fingertips trailed lightly down her torso, toying with the waistband of her jeans. "When you're on the forecheck, you're in charge and you get a good view of the net."

"I call a penalty" she told him breathlessly as she felt his fingers flick open the top button of her jeans.

"Oh?" he queried before closing his lips around her ear lobe and suckling on soft skin.

"Y-yeah" she panted, "goaltender interference."

Her hips had stopped moving against him as she could do little but respond to his ministrations in exactly the way he wanted her to. "There's no interference" he said, "I'm not near the net...yet."

Robin gasped as his hand slipped inside her pants and underwear, cupping her sex. "Shit" she hissed.

"Mmmm" he moaned against her neck. "I think I have a shot on net." His fingers tickled along her hot centre.

"Are you going to take it or are you going to whiff...aaaaahhhhh" she moaned, biting down on her lip to keep from crying out as he curled a finger inside her. "P-patrick"

He slipped a second finger inside her and began to pump his hand slowly, rhythmically. Robin's hips moved in unison with his hand, greedily begging him to go deeper, faster. He ignored her silent request and continued to move his hand at a steady pace while leaving a trail of kisses along her neck and shoulder. Oblivious to any of the people who may be watching them, Robin tossed her head back against his shoulder exposing more of her neck to his lips. He strummed his thumb along her clit, smiling as her hips jerked suddenly from the new sensation.

"Your defence is terrible" he whispered, "it's just letting me take shot after shot."

"But are you going to...oh god" she inhaled as he slowly increased his pace and pressure, "are you going to score?"

"Patience" he told her, enjoying her reactions, "I have to wait for the perfect shot." He continued to work her fingers inside her. She clenched her eyes shut as the first wave of her orgasm hit her. She started to shudder and shake. "Come for me Robin" he whispered. She shook her head as her climax built to a crescendo. With one more thrust of his hand, she came apart as she swallowed down her cry.

He whispered soft kisses against her neck as he carefully removed his hand, quickly doing up her jeans. "He shoots, he scores" he teased quietly.

"I hate you" she joked as she recovered her breath.

"Oh and one more thing."

"Yeah?" she queried as she turned to face him, tasting his lips.

His face split into a wide grin and his eyes danced mischeviously. "Rangers win"


	58. Chapter 65

**Chapter 65**

You're stuck in a moment that you can't get out of

As Robin strolled through the aisle, scanning the shelves she could not help but smile. It had been three days since their New York weekend and she still found herself daydreaming about it. They had laughed plenty, explored the city and each other and grown closer still. Patrick had offered her a glimpse into the life he had lived prior to her bursting into it and she had enjoyed every minute of it.

There was something endearing about the way he treated and charmed the older Portuguese woman at the bakery who still remembered him. Not surprisingly they discovered she had slipped two pastries in with their bagels. He took her to the top of the Empire State building and shared with her how he when he was missing his family, he would wander up there by himself and stare out over the city – a city he had been raised in and that his parents had loved.

He had taken her to MoMA and led her through some of his favourite exhibit halls, demonstrating knowledge of art and artists that she was unaware that he had. But the best moments, the ones that still danced through her mind on replay were the small ones: the look on his face as he watched the hockey game; the feel of her hand in his as they strolled through the city very much a couple in love; and the times she would catching him looking at her, with adoration and love in his eyes.

Now the day before Valentine's Day she was scouring the Wyndhams for what she felt would be the perfect gift. At least she hoped it would be. Seeing the bright glint of stainless steel from the corner of her eye, she stopped and turned to the shelf.

"Aha!" she exclaimed out loud as she picked it up. It was exactly what she was looking for.

"Aha? For a kitchen appliance?" Lifting her head at the familiar voice, Robin grinned as she saw Alexis standing before her. "I mean, don't get me wrong Robin, I have often been heard to say Aha! in this store but I'm usually in the shoe department or with handbags. I can't say that I have ever been excited about a kitchen appliance."

"That's because you can't cook and are afraid of appliances," she teased.

"Not true" Alexis protested jokingly. "I am not afraid of the microwave. In fact I embrace the microwave – I would have no popcorn if not for the microwave. But I have no use for that…..that….what the hell is that?"

"It's a waffle maker" she told her, brandishing it.

"A waffle maker."

"Yes – usually used to make waffles."

"You brat" she grinned. "So you're buying a waffle maker? Is it a Valentine's gift?"

Her cheeks were tinged in embarrassment. What made perfect sense in her head as a gift would no doubt sound strange to anyone else. It lacked obvious romance but to her held possibility of new traditions.

"It's a long story," she demurred, "but yes, I'm buying a waffle maker for Valentine's."

"I see" she nodded, indicating she clearly did not. "That's very…domestic….of you."

"Haven't you heard Alexis? The kitchen is the heart of the home."

Tapping a perfectly manicured finger against her chin, she furrowed her brow. "You know, that would explain so much about my dating issues."

"Speaking of dating" she interjected smoothly. "Would you like Patrick and I to pick you up tomorrow night for the gala or do you have other arrangements?"

"I'm just going to meet you guys at the Metrocourt. When I spoke to Eric last week-"

"You spoke to him?" she asked with a sloppy grin.

"Shut up" she told her kindly. "Anyways, when I spoke to him, we decided we would just meet at the hotel."

"Well this should be an exciting night" she remarked.

"Yes – waffle makers and ball gowns, oh my." Folding her arms across her chest, she eyed her friend carefully, noticing the hollows of her cheeks were slightly more pronounced. "And how you are doing?"

"I'm okay," she replied. "I had the flu a couple of weeks back and that knocked the stuffing out of me but Patrick took good care of me – he even cooked."

"Well I'm glad you're on the mend - just make sure you don't overdo it, okay?"

"I'm doing fine Alexis –nothing to worry about."

"Okay, okay" she said, holding up her hands. "I just like to check in on my daughter's guardian angel every once in a while."

"I appreciate it, I do. But I'm doing well – Patrick's doing better too. I'm really looking forward to tomorrow."

"Me too" she said shyly, "I'll see you tomorrow night – enjoy the waffle maker."

Eric tried not to wince as he examined Patrick's mouth. The burns from the radiation, at the back of his mouth and near his throat were growing larger. They were red and angry looking and no doubt a source of pain for him.

"Are you taking anything for those?" he asked as he pulled the latex gloves from his hands and tossed them in the bin.

"Just some ibuprofen" he replied, scratching the back of his head. A small bald spot had started to form, also from the radiation and he pulled at his hair to try and cover it.

Eric furrowed his brow at his response. "That's it? They have to be pretty painful."

He shrugged lightly. "I just don't eat anything too hot or too spicy and I'm okay."

"Hmm" he mused. "Just the same, I'm going to write you a prescription for Tylenol and for some Zithromax. The risk of infection is higher in your mouth and a long course of antibiotics wouldn't be a bad thing at this stage."

Pulling out his prescription pad, he walked to the counter and started to write. "How are you feeling?" he asked, looking over his shoulder.

"Robin and I had a great time in New York" he offered, a large smile firmly planted on his face. "I even took her to Bread and Roses"

"For bagels?" Patrick nodded. "Did you see Maria-Jesus?"

"Yes and she still loves me."

Eric rolled his eyes. "That's only because you spent four years of college batting your baby browns at her and fixing her dishwasher."

"I don't recall you complaining when I came home with free bread and bagels."

"Whatever" he sniffed. "But you haven't answered my question – how are you feeling?"

Having finished writing the prescriptions, he folded them and handed them to his friend. Leaning against the opposite wall, he folded his arms across his chest and waited for an answer.

Patrick dropped his gaze briefly before meeting his friend's steely blue eyes. It was hard for him to admit that he didn't feel well. His headaches were increasing in intensity, his bones and muscles ached from the radiation, his appetite had disappeared and his temper was razor sharp. But what was truly sapping his energy was the monumental effort required to keep Robin from knowing the true extent of it all. In his mind, he just needed a little longer for the radiation to work and then he would be a viable candidate for surgery.

"I don't feel great" he finally said. "Radiation is awful – I'm tired all the time."

"Your tremor seems better" he said, nodding at his left hand.

"I guess the radiation is working." He knew he should tell him the truth, he knew that it was wrong to misdirect him but there was so much, in his mind, riding on his steady hand that he could not say otherwise.

"Well, let's find out"

"What?"

"We're due for some new pictures of your noggin. I've booked the MRI – let's go."

The two men walked in side by side in silence to radiology. Eric knew his best friend well enough to know that there was something bubbling inside of him but as of yet had been unable to put his finger on it. He seemed more strained than usual and while never a big talker, he was nearly mute with Eric having to practically drag answers from him – answers related to his condition at least. He was unsettled by it and wouldn't be leaving until he had figured it out.

He left Patrick to change into a hospital gown while he sat with the technologist preparing the machine. Behind the darkened window, Eric sat back and watched as his friend shuffled towards the machine. There was a flash of silver from the chain holding the Michael the Archangel medallion. His arms, though never overly muscular seemed thin and his face, against the white of the gown, seemed very pale.

His friend was failing.

Now, what he really needed was for the films to show a shrunken tumour so he could go in and get it. He had not forgotten Patrick's words to him at Jake's.

_I want to marry her. So you have to keep me alive so I can._

"All set Pantsy?" he asked, speaking into the microphone.

"Yeah. Good thing I'm not claustrophobic."

"I'll have you out in 20 minutes."

"You ready for your big date tomorrow?" Patrick asked as the machine started, sounding very much like jackhammer in his head.

"It's not a big date. It's a gala which you and your girlfriend snookered me into going to."

"Yes but you're going with a woman. I know it's been a while Smitty but that is what we call a date."

"You're annoying."

"Yes I am," he replied with a smile. "Are you nervous?"

"I am not having this conversation with you. Next you'll be wanting to go the spa and get our nails done or something. When did you get to be such a girl?"

"So that's a yes?"

"I take it back – you're not annoying, you're insufferable."

Leaning back against the chair, he turned his full attention to the computer monitor as the first images of Patrick's brain appeared. With his previous films in front of him, he was hopeful that he would see a marked improvement in the tumour's size and impact.

What appeared before him stole his breath from his lungs.

Hitting the mute button, he stared again at the screen in utter disbelief.

"Son of a bitch" he swore. "I'm going to fucking kill him."

Patrick sat on the table in the exam room waiting for Eric. After their initial banter, his friend had gone unusually quiet and he was left wondering if that was a positive sign of not. He could feel the nervous energy coursing through his veins but did not have the energy to pace. His head snapped up as the door opened and Eric walked through. His face was impassive, giving Patrick no indication of what he found on the MRI.

Eric stood in front of him and offered him both of his index fingers. "Squeeze my fingers."

"Why?"

"Squeeze my fingers" he demanded tightly.

Patrick looked at him warily as he wrapped his hands around his fingers and squeezed as hard as he could.

Pulling a pen from his pocket he held it out to Patrick. "Hold this."

"Eric what are you doing?"

"Hold this, like you're going to write with it – in your _left_ hand."

Inhaling sharply, Patrick knew he had been found out. Balancing the pen as best he could, he tried to grip it with his fingertips but as Liam had told him, Botox had worsened his sensitivity in his extremities. He at least had the good graces to lower his eyes as the pen crashed to the floor.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" Eric hissed, "Wait. Don't answer that. I swear to god Pantsy if your brain wasn't already in so much trouble I would knock your head into next week."

"I can explain" he offered meekly.

"Which part? The part where you made a medical decision without consulting me or the part where you lied to my face?"

"I…I…" he stammered.

"You what?" His rage was cool and hard. "You thought you inject yourself with a little Botox to send the symptoms away – ignoring the fact that those symptoms are the one indication we have as to how your tumour is behaving? God dammit Patrick! You know better than this."

"Eric-"

"When I ask you how you are feeling I'm not inquiring out of politeness. I'm asking you to disclose any change in symptoms. Your headaches must be excruciating" he told him. "And you need to tell me that. You should have phoned me the minute you went more than two days with a marked increase in pain."

"What did the MRI show?" he asked, knowing the answer as he did so.

"You tell me"

"Tumour is unchanged."

"No – your tumour has changed alright – it's bigger Patrick. It's fucking bigger and we have lost weeks – WEEKS – because of your vanity."

"It wasn't vanity" he whispered, his eyes welling with tears.

"What?" he glowered.

"It wasn't vanity," he repeated, meeting his friend's eyes.

"Then what the fuck was it?"

"Robin."

"Pardon me?" he hissed. "I don't think I heard you right because it sounded like you said Robin – like you did this for Robin."

"I did" he admitted.

"That's impossible," he stated unequivocally with a shake of his head. "There is no way she would allow you to endanger your health for her."

His tongue darted from his mouth as he moistened his perpetually dry lips. His hands gripped the exam table as best he could as the room swirled around him. "She doesn't know."

Eric let out a long, frustrated breath. He knew first hand how difficult it was to make good decisions as you battled for your life. But that knowledge did little to quell his anger. This was his friend – his best friend – who already had the odds stacked against him and in some misdirected sense of love or goodness, had only made his situation worse. He wasn't ready to give up on his friend without a fight but he didn't want to have to fight his illness and him at the same time.

"Of course she doesn't" he snapped. "Why would you bother telling her – she's only your girlfriend."

"You don't understand" he told him, narrowing his eyes as his temper churned inside him.

"Then explain it to me like I didn't graduate suma cum laude"

His palms were sweaty and his heart raced as he tried to put into words what overhearing Robin's conversation with Mac had done to him. He wiped his hands on his jeans and swallowed thickly.

"She hates my tremor."

"And?" His tone was tart as he glared at him.

"It stresses her out and it …it makes her sad and I don't want to….I don't want to hurt her."

"Nothing you just said makes any sense and even if it did, a girlfriend is a lousy reason to play Russian roulette with your health."

Eric did not even realize he had been struck until he stumbled backwards as Patrick advanced on him.

"Shut up – just shut the fuck up" he hissed. "I will rip you limb from limb" He was blind with rage and wanted to expel it from his body by any means necessary. He took a second swing at Eric but his energy was failing him.

Eric grabbed his arms and shoved him up against the wall. "ENOUGH!" he shouted.

"You don't get to talk about Robin like that" he seethed. "She is worth everything – EVERYTHING!"

"No, she isn't" he repeated slowly. "If she was worth this you would have told her."

"I hate you. I fucking HATE you"

"I don't care" Eric told him calmly, still holding his arms by his side. His tone betrayed his feelings as it felt as though his heart was ready to pounce from his chest.

His rage dissipated as quickly as it came on and Patrick's chest heaved as he gulped for air. "Oh god….Smitty" he stammered as he finally started to comprehend what he had said about his tumour.

"I know" He nodded his head. "I know."

"Smitty…"

"We're going to find a solution Patrick – we are."

"We know what it is" His brown eyes were huge and haunted, every ounce of fear and failing reflected in them. "We have two options – do I die or do I become a vegetable?"

Eric slowly released his grip on his arms. "I don't like those options and so I'm going for other ones. I need you to not give up Patrick."

Quietly moving away from the wall, he shook his head. In a flash, scenes from his mother's illness and death flashed through his mind. "I can't…I can't be here."

Before Eric could stop him, Patrick had grabbed his coat and sprinted from the room. But both Eric and Patrick knew there was simply no outrunning reality. 


	59. Chapter 66

Chapter 66

**Chapter 66**

**Let me take some of the punches for you tonight**

His legs were heavy as he trudged down the hall, the chart tucked firmly under his arm, on his way to have a second difficult conversation. Medically he knew where he was but emotionally he was feeling out of his depth and there was only one person he could consult with.

Standing before the door, he inhaled sharply as he raised his hand to knock. Pushing open the door, he smiled at the older man behind the desk.

"Doctor Drake? Do you have a few minutes?"

Looking over the top of his glasses and seeing the strained look on the young man's face, Noah sighed silently and waved him in. There could only be one reason why Eric would come to see him and he knew they were about to have an inevitable conversation – one he had been dreading since his son's diagnosis.

"How bad is it Eric?"

"Bad" he admitted as he lowered himself into the chair on the other side of the desk. "Doctor Drake-"

"Noah" he corrected gently.

"Noah. Pants- Patrick's tumour is growing."

"May I see the films?" he asked, motioning towards the chart under his arm.

Flipping on the light box that sat on the corner of his desk, he carefully pulled the film from the folder and set it against the box. He stared, expressionless, at the image before him and tried to ignore the persistent pitch and roll in his stomach. Despite the number of times he told himself that it wasn't happening again, that he wasn't about to lose the only other person that mattered to him, he knew now it wasn't true.

"Are you going to operate?" he asked, feeling the quiver in his lips as he did so.

Eric nodded. "I don't have much choice. There is one treatment option left and I had not wanted to go there given that it's hit and miss most of the time but this is my last chance to get us close to optimal conditions."

"Chemo?"

"Yeah."

"How did Patrick react when you told him?"

"I didn't get a chance. Did you know he was taking Botox injections to quell his tremors?"

Noah's hazel eyes widened in shock. "I had no idea. What the hell was he thinking?"

"Said he did it for Robin."

Stifling an anguished cry, Noah cradled his head in his hands. "This is my fault."

"Noah – this is not your fault."

"It is. I had breakfast with him a while ago and I told him he needed to look out for Robin, he needed to be aware of the impact of illness on the caregiver. I never…I never dreamed he would to this. I just wanted him to be sensitive to Robin. I …. Oh god. What have I done?"

Leaning forward, towards the desk he tried to catch his eye. "Noah, listen to me. Patrick was going to go down this path regardless of what you told him. He's not thinking clearly – he's afraid and the tumour is inhibiting his capacity for objective reasoning."

Letting out a slow, steadying breath he dropped his hands to the desk and sat back in his chair. "Robin and I had an argument."

"What?"

"About a month ago. She asked me – she begged me – to tell Patrick the truth about his mother's last days – last months. About what the disease did to her – and to me. About the pain and the mood swings and violent outbursts. The last three months of her life were terrible Eric. In her lucid moments, rare as they were, she was still my Mattie but most of the time she was in agony and behaving irrationally. We did our best to keep it from him."

"Even if Patrick didn't witness all that, don't you think he on some level, especially now, knows it happened?"

Picking up the pen that lay by his keyboard, he began to run it through his fingers. "I don't believe so" he told him quietly. "We worked very hard to limit the impact of Mattie's…of all it… on him. Mattie wanted him to have only good memories and I guess we succeeded. Robin thinks if I tell him the truth that he may cut himself some slack, that he won't try to hold himself to the standard that he thinks his mother set. Eric, it is embarrassing to admit but I think you know my son better than I do – what do you think?"

Exhaling, the young doctor tiredly rubbed his hands over his face. "He loved his mother very much Noah – and he loves you" he added, "but no one wants to live with a lie. Death has a way of turning people's lives into myths – all bad traits disappear and all good traits are exaggerated. I can't say if knowing his mother suffered and how both of you struggled will help him deal with what's ahead of him, but I do think it may help him in general."

"Now may I ask you something?" he ventured, "I know it's a very sensitive subject but I need some advice and I think you may be the only person who can give it to me."

Noah nodded, anticipating where the question was headed. "Fire away."

"How did….how did you stay objective when it came to operating on your…on Mrs. Drake?"

"I believe the case has been made that I wasn't," he replied quietly.

"That's not true" Eric said quickly. "I read the post-op report. Your technique was textbook, every action you prescribed was on the money – it was the tumour that was too far gone."

Folding his arms across his chest, he eyed the young man carefully. "How did you get a copy of the post-op report?" he asked tightly.

"Patrick had one. All through med school, a couple of times a semester he would pull it out and review it, looking for mistakes or errors – some way to place the blame on the surgery and not on the disease."

Noah gasped. He had missed so much – big moments and small details. And while they were working their way back into a relationship – or stumbling their way back into one – he had not asked his son to fill in the blanks of the last decade; partly because he didn't think it fair to do so and partly because he was afraid of moments just like this one. The image of his son reading and re-reading the clinical evaluation of the last hours of his mother's life stopped him cold.

"Eric, maybe it's better if you aren't the surgeon," he suggested.

"Doctor Dr- Noah," he amended, "There is a part of me that agrees with you but Patrick trusts me and he has asked me to do this for him. After everything he did for me how can I say no? He is not asking for something beyond my capacity or talent."

"Take his name off the file."

"Pardon?"

"Take his name off the file" Noah repeated, "put another name - a name you don't know – so that when you open the chart you aren't flooded by memories."

"Does….does it work?" he asked, wringing his hands nervously.

"Not totally," he admitted, "but it's a start." Feeling suddenly overcome with the need to see his son, Noah pushed back his chair and rose to his feet. "You say you didn't get the chance to tell Patrick about the next steps?"

Eric shook his head as he stood up. "He took off"

Pursing his lips together, Noah nodded as he reached for his coat. "I think…I think my son needs me."

"Noah, I have no idea where he went."

"I think I do. Thank you for coming to see me Eric, I appreciate it."

Oblivious to the cold, his hands tucked up under his arms, Patrick sat on the bench and stared down at the small outdoor rink. His heart was racing so fast, he could feel the blood coursing through his veins. His mind was racing even faster than that.

As an adult he had always thrived on control. He did not let go easily and give over to flights of fancy. Even when he was giving Robin a hard time, before they were dating, about her inability to just be in the moment he knew he was being a hypocrite of the worse kind. He only ever existed in the moment once he was sure he could. He did things, like racing, that brought him to the ragged edge but never over. He had never just lost control.

But with the reality of what was going on with his brain, control was now excruciatingly out of reach. Whatever happened going forward he had no power over it. He had never been more frightened in his life.

He looked up in surprise as a paper cup with steam escaping through its lid was thrust in front of him.

"It's too damn cold for you to be sitting out here" Noah said as he leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees.

"How…" Patrick wrapped his hands around the cup. "How did you know where to find me?"

Peeling back the plastic tab on his lid, Noah brought the cup to his mouth and blew on the hot chocolate sending the steam billowing into the air. "I may not have been around much for you in the last years but some habits die hard. I'm just glad that Port Charles is smaller than Manhattan. I only went to three rinks before finding you."

Patrick said nothing and stared back at the young boys playing shinny. The wind carried their voices and he smirked as one called for the puck, sounding very much like he did at their age. He could hear their blades cutting through the ice and remembered when he used to spend hours at the local rink. Any problem he had as a kid vanished the minute his blades touched the ice. He wished that was still the case.

Taking a drink of the hot chocolate and feeling immediately warmed, he tilted his head and looked at his father. "I suppose Eric talked to you."

"He did. He told me about the Botox."

Patrick sighed and dropped his head. "I know it was dumb but….but Robin…I heard Robin tell Mac that she hated my tremor because it reminded her of how sick I am and that it made her sad and I just….I just…"

"Wanted her not to be sad?" he finished for him.

"Yeah. Dumb, I know."

"It's not dumb – well, it was medically dumb but Patrick there is nothing wrong with wanting to make another person happy. You just can't do it at your own expense."

"I know" he agreed quietly. "Did he tell you the rest?"

"Yeah. That was some rough news –I wish I had been there with you when you got it. So you wouldn't have been….alone."

He didn't speak for several moments as he gazed into his cup. He wanted his mother. He wanted his father. He wanted Robin. He wanted everyone to just convince him it would be okay.

"I'm going to die" he croaked, a tear spilling into his hot chocolate. "I finally find someone who I love in ways I never knew possible and I'm going to die."

Setting his drink down on the bench in front of him, Noah inhaled sharply and draped his arm around his son's shoulders. "No you are not" he told him confidently.

"Dad-"

"Patrick – you are facing a tough road ahead, there is no doubt but this is not a death sentence. The surgery is scary and I would give…" his voice trailed off as he tried to steady himself, "I would give _anything_ to take your place. You are not going to die."

"That's what Mom said before she went into surgery and we know how accurate that was."

Sucking in a breath, he cupped his son's chin and turned his face towards him. "Patty there were so many other factors there. It's been more than a decade; the advances in microsurgery are substantial. You have a much better chance than your mother did."

"I think Eric is going to put me on chemo," he said quietly as he turned his gaze back to the rink.

Noah nodded. "He is."

"I can't do this to Robin" he said hoarsely. "I can't let her watch me fade into nothing – she….she deserves someone who….." he shook his head unable to finish any of the multitudes of thoughts whirling around in his brain at warp speed.

"Son, you aren't doing anything TO Robin. She loves you and wants to support you through all of it."

"That's the thing" he snapped angrily, "she has already been through all of it; with another boyfriend. She shouldn't have to go through it again. It would be better if I left-"

"Running solves nothing."

Patrick scoffed. "You should know," he countered bitterly.

"Yeah I should and I do. Patrick, do you honestly think that Robin's worry about you will be less if you were somewhere else?"

Like an out of control roller coaster, he continued to ride the peaks and valleys of his temper. He sighed heavily, wishing he had more self-control. "If she were free she could move on – to someone healthy."

"But she wouldn't be free" he reasoned. "Son, it isn't physical proximity that determines a relationship. The heart neither recognizes nor understands distance. You could live on Mars and if she's in love with you then she isn't free."

He cradled his head in his hands and clenched his eyes shut. Nothing in his life had felt as difficult as this did. He thought back to the day he stood on the roof of the hospital, after pricking his finger in the OR and he remembered feeling helpless and afraid then. That paled in comparison to the abject terror he was living with now. Robin had showed him the way then, demonstrating grace at every opportunity and offering him the safety of her heart.

Though not ready to admit it then, he was already in love with her and now wanted to kick himself for the moments he had wasted chiding her about her insecurities, pushing her free herself of what he felt was too much self-restraint. Instead of enumerating her failings, as he saw them at the time, as a way to keep emotional distance between the two of them, he should have found the courage she had to be honest. If he had been honest from the start he would have had more memories with her, more moments, and more experiences. He had cheated himself and it made him sad.

"I don't know how to tell her" he admitted.

"Do you want me to go with you? I could be with you while you tell her tonight."

Patrick shook his head. "I can't….I don't want to tell her tonight. We're…we're doing a Valentine's thing at midnight and we have the gala tomorrow. I don't want to ruin that for her."

"Sport," he began softly, "if you are waiting for the perfect moment, there isn't one."

"I know and I'm not. I just…I want her to have this because once I tell her then everything will change."

"So you'll tell her Sunday? After the gala?"

He nodded. "Do you… could you…would you still be willing to be with me and help me tell her?" His tone was tentative. He loved his father but he didn't always like him and he was still unsure about trusting him.

"Of course I will. I will be with you every step of the way Patrick."

The two men sat in silence again, each lost in their own thoughts and concerns over what was to come. For Noah, this was an opportunity for atonement. He could never undo what he had done but he could ensure that his son never felt abandoned or alone.

"Dad?"

"Yes Patty?"

Patrick turned to face his father, his brown eyes brimming with tears.

"I'm scared."


	60. Chapter 67

**Chapter 67**

You and me together  
Through the days and nights 

Patrick clutched the bottle of champagne tightly in his hand as he fished for his keys in his pocket.

He was exhausted.

Noah had taken him back to the hospital where they had found Eric set up in a temporary office re-examining his films. He had tried to apologize for his behaviour but Eric waved him off, reminding him that such things were not needed between the two of them. They had an honest and frank discussion about the next steps and when he would need to start chemotherapy.

He had asked and received, from both of them, assurances that they would not share information on his condition with anyone, especially Robin, until after the gala. He wanted one more perfect night with her before it all started to fall apart.

Slipping his key in the door, he turned the lock and to his relief found the apartment empty. They had agreed to meet back at the apartment by 8 o'clock so they could get a head start on Valentine's Day. His watch read 6:49, giving him enough time to have a quick nap and a shower before Robin got home.

He needed to clear his mind and focus on Robin. Focus on them. Before the last few months he had never known that a relationship could provide such strength.

As he placed the champagne bottle in the fridge, his mind drifted back to the night in his hotel room when Robin had come to confront him about his illness. He had been so unwilling to tell her then but she had been gently forceful and when he thought he was going to fall apart, she caught him, stood him up and helped him put one foot in front of the other.

Walking to the bedroom, he peeled off his sweater and tossed it to the hamper. He stepped out of his pants and crawled beneath the warm covers. His muscles groaned as he tossed and turned in an attempt to get comfortable. Unable to hold back the mounting fatigue any longer, his eyes fluttered closed as he gave into slumber.

Struggling through the door, her arms laden down with bags, Robin called to Patrick. Getting no answer, she gave a small shrug and kicked the door shut behind her. Glancing at the clock as she set the bags down on the kitchen counter, she was pleased to see she still had a half hour before their scheduled date time. She unpacked the strawberries, chocolate sauce, maple syrup and bananas before turning her attention to the living room.

Shifting the coffee table to the side so as to undo the sofa bed, she set the waffle maker, wrapped in bright red paper with a gold bow on top, down. She had struggled with what to get Patrick for Valentine's Day. She didn't want to be too over the top but she did want to give him something of significance. As soon as he told her the story of his movie watching tradition with his family, she knew exactly what she wanted to do.

She wasn't trying to replace the ritual he had with his parents but merely carry it over. From her own experience she knew how comforting those touchstones of childhood could be and wanted it to be something they could share together.

Pulling all her white pillar candles from the drawer, she placed them around the room. She arranged the flowers she had bought in to two vases and set them up on the small table behind the couch. They had agreed on a low key celebration to kick off Valentine's Day knowing they would close it in high style at the gala. Though she liked the glamour of a black tie event, she much preferred the idea of cuddling up with her boyfriend on the couch and watching a movie. She didn't need the grand gestures of love to believe in it, she wanted the little ones that reminded her of how precious it could be.

Looking around the room, she was pleased with the setting. All she needed now was her boyfriend. She had called him after his appointment but only got voicemail. She tried not to let his silence make her mind run away to disturbing or unhappy places. Telling herself that he and his best friend were probably out having a drink, she had pushed away her fears and continued planning their night.

As she walked back to the kitchen she noticed his jacket hanging on the coat rack. Closing her eyes, she exhaled slowly. Turning down the hall she walked towards the bedroom and gently pushing open the door, found him sound asleep in their bed.

Leaning against the door frame, she stared at him for several long minutes. She should have known he would be exhausted after his appointment. Even though his energy was hitting new lows all the time, she had tried to convince herself that it wasn't happening, that it was a temporary aberration. Because if she admitted how weak he was really becoming then she would have to admit he was getting worse and not better and that was an admission she was not yet willing to make.

She had waited too long for a love like this; too long to finally open her heart again for her to even consider that she might lose it all. She had paid the price for her choices and in some cases was still paying. She had to believe – she needed to believe – that she had finally earned the right to be happy, to live fully without worrying when the other shoe was going to drop.

Lying on his side, the blankets pooled around his waist and his chest rose in a slow, steady rhythm. He looked peaceful as he slept and Robin was suddenly overcome with the desire to be with him. Peeling off her sweater and sliding her jeans down her legs, she left her clothes on the floor where she dropped them and crawled into bed with him.

Gently, she snaked her arms around his waist as she pressed a kiss to his chest. "I love you" she whispered before resting her head over his heart, listening to its strong beat.

Stirring as his eyes fluttered open, Patrick was surprised to find his girlfriend wrapped around him. Feeling somewhat re-energized after his nap, he glanced over at the clock on the nightstand, groaning inwardly. It was almost ten o'clock.

Dipping his head, he pressed a kiss to Robin's forehead and lightly trailed his fingers along her bare back.

"Mmmm" she moaned sleepily, "you're awake."

As she raised her head, he softly pushed her bangs from her face and kissed the tip of her nose. "I'm sorry," he apologized, "I didn't mean to sleep through our date."

"You didn't." Reaching her hand up, she swept it across his cheek. "We can start our date at any time."

Closing his eyes, he let out a long, slow breath as she nipped at the skin on his chest. "You should have woken me up."

"Your naked body was too inviting" she told him as she looked up from underneath her eyelashes, "and once I got tangled up in you then I drifted off too."

"Well I am pretty hot" he stated with a smirk.

Burying her face in his chest, Robin laughed at his brashness.

As her laughter reverberated through his body, he instinctively pushed his hips against hers. No other woman he had ever been with, and he had been with many, provoked reactions in him like she did. It could be a look, a touch or even her laughter and he would inevitably find himself wanting her.

He nuzzled her neck, sucking on the soft skin just below her ear as he fumbled with the clasp of her bra. As her hands stilled his, he looked at her in surprise.

"Not yet cowboy" she told him with a grin, "we can't be having dessert before dinner."

Unconsciously his bottom lip jutted out in a pout. "But we are having dessert, right? 'Cause otherwise this is just mean."

"I would never be that mean to you" she replied with a waggle of her eyebrows. "Come on, put some clothes on and we'll get dinner started." Kicking back the covers, she rolled out of bed.

"Do you have to?"

"What?" she asked as she reached for her tank top. "Have dinner?"

"No, put clothes on."

Rolling her eyes, she shook her head. "Not a lot of clothes" she amended, "because we will be getting out of them later."

Reaching for his red plaid, flannel pyjama pants, he nodded. "Now that's what I'm talking about."

He caught his breath as he entered the living room. Robin had darted ahead of him and quickly lit as many of the candles as she could. The sofa bed was pulled out, with the thick fluffy comforter she had made in Paris lay across it and a light floral scent wafted around the room.

"Why Doctor Scorpio, are you trying to seduce me?" he teased.

"You bet your really cute behind I am."

Crossing the room in three strides, he cupped her cheeks with both hands and languidly closed his mouth over hers. His tongue coaxed her lips apart and slipped inside the warm confines of her mouth.

Robin fisted the waist band of his pyjamas as her knees buckled slightly. Even after all these months his kiss could still leave her breathless.

"I have the champagne in the fridge" he told her as he stroked her cheek with her fingertip, "what's for dinner?"

"We have to do gifts first." She extricated herself from his arms and crawled on the sofa bed.

"If you insist." He walked around the couch and pulled out a long box from underneath the table. It was wrapped in silver paper with an elaborate red bow sitting on the corner. "I want to go first."

Robin's eyes widened with excitement as she took the box from him. "Did you make that bow yourself?" she joked.

"Oh you know it" he said with a roll of his eyes. "With all this time off I've spent hours watching Martha Stewart. Just wait until you see my needlepoint."

"Smartass" she muttered good naturedly.

Tugging on the bow, she let the material sail to the floor as she slid her finger along the taped seam. Having dispensed with the paper she pried the lid from the box and gave him a quizzical look as she flicked open the tissue paper.

"Don't look at me – you have to actually open the whole thing."

She stuck her tongue out at him and pulled the envelope from the box. She let out a small gasp as her eyes scanned the document.

"Patrick….no, it's too much."

"It isn't" he countered.

"But Paris? Patrick we have been to Scotland and New York in the last few months. What…" she swallowed thickly as it suddenly occurred to her that he may have made a to do list – a list of things for him to do before…..She shook her head. "What's with the sudden travel bug?" She hoped her voice didn't sound as strangled to him as it did to her.

Not quite meeting her gaze, he shrugged. "Not sudden but I guess…I mean I have more time on my hands these days. But I also…Paris is – was – a big part of your life professionally and personally. Scattered around this apartment are all kinds of mementos from your time there and I guess…" He ran his hands over his face. "Man, I suck at this."

"I don't know" she interjected quietly, "I think you're doing just fine."

He flashed her a grateful smile. "I'm in love with you Robin – and I want to know more about you. I guess…I guess… I want you to show me Paris – your Paris."

Robin blinked rapidly trying to disperse the tears that had pooled suddenly in her eyes. Launching herself from where she was seated, she threw her arms around him and kissed him until they were both breathless and panting.

"So I did okay?" he asked with a small smile.

She nodded. "You did okay."

"Good. Now on to the important things – where is my gift?" He anxiously rubbed his hands together.

Sheepishly, Robin reached for the wrapped box. "I feel kind of dumb now, after your gift."

"Dumb? Why?" He reached for the gift but Robin held it back.

"Maybe I should take it back and get you something better."

Stretching out, he grabbed the box from her. "Gimme! Gimme!" he demanded, sounding very much like a five year old.

Relenting, Robin released her grasp on it and watched, with a slight cringe, as he took the paper off. It did not escape her notice that he was doing more of the work with his right hand than his left and that gave her an uneasy feeling.

"A waffle maker?" he remarked in surprise.

"See I told you it was dumb."

He shook his head, unable to form a sentence. His life had never been void of people, but as an adult there had been precious few who understood him the way Robin did. She not only listened to the things he told her but she heard him and that meant everything.

Uneasy with the silence and fearing she had overstepped, Robin began to speak. "I can take it back" she told him, trying to reach for it. "We can change it for anything you'd like – maybe a Wii? Or a PSP or something. I just…. It was an impulse purchase and I-"

He quieted her with a kiss. "I love it" His tone was soft as he gazed at her with open admiration.

"We don't have to keep it."

"Robin, it's great. I love it – it's perfect."

"I don't know. You're giving me Paris and I'm giving you waffles. It seems odd."

"It's not" he reassured her. "So this is why we had to open gifts before dinner? Are we having waffles while we watch our movies?

"Does it sound as lame to you as it does to me?" she asked in trepidation.

Reaching for her, he tugged her towards him and brushed his lips across hers. "It doesn't sound lame at all." Standing up, he held out his hand to her. "Now let's get dinner going so we can watch the movie."

"Oh my god" Robin moaned as she set her plate down. "I think my belly is going to explode."

Patrick kissed the top of her head as he pulled her closer to him. "That's because you ate five waffles," he told her distractedly as he kept his eyes on the screen. "With chocolate sauce"

"Why didn't you stop me?" she whined, rubbing her stomach. "I think I could give birth to a Waffle House franchise now."

"Shh" he admonished her kindly, "we're getting to my favourite part."

"Patrick-"

He pinched her lips shut. "Wait for it…"

"Patrick" she mumbled.

"Wait…." As the actor began to speak, Patrick joined in. "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You have killed my father. Prepare to die."

Robin simply shook her head in amazement as he cracked up laughing; she loved the sound of his laugh. Deep and freeing, it left no choice for anyone around, they simply had to join in.

"You realize he says that line about 20 more times, right?"

"And it's funny every time" he retorted, stealing a quick kiss.

Linking her fingers through his, she accidentally dragged one of her nails against his left index finger. She jumped as she realized she scratched him and was surprised that he did not even flinch. Looking from his hand to his face, she sucked in her bottom lip and tried to quell the rising panic.

"You never said how your appointment with Eric was," she pointed out casually.

"It was okay" he told her, not looking away from the television.

"Just okay?"

"Huh? Yeah. Well, he gave me Zithromax for the radiation burns in my mouth to ward off infection but other than that it was fairly routine."

He knew she would be furious when he finally told what had actually happened at the appointment but for one more night he wanted to believe that everything was fine.

"Okay" she acquiesced, not believing him one bit.

As they sat, curled into each other, watching the movie, Robin did the best she could to push the thoughts of his tumour from her mind. This was their Valentine's Day celebration and she wanted to be in the moment with him and not think about the monsters lurking under the bed and outside the door.

Her lips curved up into a smile as she felt his hands slide under her tank top. His fingertips sent shivers through her body as they danced lightly over her skin. A small moan escaped from the back of her throat as his hand closed over her breast kneading it.

His other hand slipped inside her pyjama pants and cupped her hot centre. Closing her eyes, she melted against him as his hands and fingers set slow fire to her body. He dipped his head and pressed his lips to her shoulder, letting his tongue move in small circles against her skin. She could feel her body begin to warm from the inside as his fingers teased and toyed with her. Biting down on her lip to keep from crying out, she pushed her hips forward, silently begging him for more.

Patrick moved his lips to her other shoulder and continued his ministrations as he strummed her body. Needing to touch him, desperate to touch him, Robin reached her arm behind her, threading her fingers through his hair.

"Patrick" she croaked.

Gripping the edge of her tank top, he pulled it from her skin in one shot and tossed it to the side. Moving from behind her, he slipped her pyjama pants from her hips and pulled them free of her legs. She lay before him naked, her brown hair fanning out around her. Never taking his eyes from her, he stepped out of his flannel pants and crawled back towards her on the bed.

Stretching out on top of her he let his lips hover above hers, his breath blowing softly against her skin as his fingers tangled in her hair. Every nerve ending hummed in anticipation of his next move. She could feel his arousal against her leg and she felt herself wet in response.

Her chest rose and fell in rapid succession as he gazed in to her eyes before finally fastening his mouth to hers. Closing her hands around his neck, she arched from the bed to deepen the kiss, wanting to taste as much of him as she could.

His hand trailed back down towards the apex of her legs and she was suddenly dizzy with desire as he slipped two fingers inside of her. Moving away from her mouth, he kissed the length of her body, flicking her pert, taut nipples into his mouth one at a time.

"Patrick" she hissed. Every touch, every kiss was sending her spiralling to the edge and she wanted it to go on forever. Her hands groped for him, trailing over his shoulders and down his back.

He kissed the inside of her right thigh, then her left as his fingers continue to bring her to the brink but not over. His tongue worked small patterns against her hip bone as her body rose from the bed in response.

Finally gathering her senses, she wriggled down to meet him, her lips on his as she whispered a kiss into his mouth. Patrick's eyes fluttered closed as her hand closed around his throbbing arousal. He pushed himself into her hand.

"Feel what you do to me Robin" he told her hoarsely.

As her hand stroked his length his lips stilled against her skin, he was unable to do anything other than respond to her. He cried out her name as she flattened her tongue against his nipple and he fisted his fingers through her hair as she covered his torso in kisses.

Unable to withstand much more, he reached for the small wicker container on the side table and retrieved a condom. He smiled as Robin reached for it. She tore open the packet and carefully pulled out their protection. He moaned as she sheathed him, jerking as she closed her mouth over him and dragging her tongue along the underside of his erection.

Looping his arms through hers, he pulled her back towards him and shifted her to her back. He stroked his hand along her leg as he pulled it over his hip. Leaning forward, kissing her passionately and wantonly, he thrust deep inside her. They both gasped at the sensation.

"I love you Robin. Forever" he whispered as their hips rocked in unison.

Her eyes flew open and locked on him. In this moment, as they moved together, she had never felt more complete. Her hand cupped the back of his head and brought his mouth back to hers.

As they fell over the edge, together, their tongues tangled, their lips fused as one, Patrick's eyes shimmered with tears. In a single breath, he felt whole and he felt loved and as he collapsed against her, he knew he could not ask for more. 


	61. Chapter 68

**Chapter 68**

**Fly me to the moon**

**And let me play among the stars**

Emerging from the bedroom, holding her dress together at the back, she walked to Patrick and stood in front of him. "Can you do my dress up please?" she asked.

Looking up from the newspaper, he let out a low, slow, appreciative whistle. "I think I'd rather get you out of that dress than in to it"

With a small chuckle, she shook her head. "Hello? This is the first time we've been dressed since last night, you're hardly deprived."

As he pulled the zipper to her red dress up and hooked the clasp at the top, he dropped a soft, lingering kiss on her bare shoulder. "I like how you think that would be enough. There is never enough where you're concerned."

Smiling happily, she did a small twirl in her dress. The bodice was fitted to her hips with soft, gauzy material flowing down to the floor. "You like?"

Inhaling sharply, he nodded. "You have no idea how much."

"You look pretty handsome yourself" she remarked, admiring his tuxedo. He wore a rich black silk tie in place of a bow tie and she unconciously licked her lips as she drank him in.

Seeing her appreciative look of him, he grinned. "We could stay in you know - we don't have to go."

"Yes we do." Walking to the closet she pulled out both of their coats. "We promised Alan, not to mention we get to watch Eric and Alexis be awkward around each other - _that's _ entertainment."

He slipped on his coat before helping her with hers. Holding her by the lapels, he stared silently at her for several beats. She was happy, her eyes were sparkling and bright and she had never looked more beautiful. He wanted to sear the image to his mind. "I love you" he told her earnestly when he finally spoke.

Robin was finding it harder and harder to ignore the rumbles in her stomach that told her something was off. She placed her hand over his heart and said, "I know. Is something wrong?"

Dipping his head, he nipped her lips. "No. I just want to make sure you know." There would be time enough for truth later.

Spotting Alexis near the bar, Patrick and Robin walked over to join her.

"You look amazing!" Both Robin and Alexis exclaimed at the same time before dissolving into a fit of laughter.

Having regained her composure Robin cast a quick glance around the room and asked, "Eric not here yet?"

"No, not yet" she smiled, trying to mask her disappointment. She was sure he had changed his mind and returned to New York; she was feeling quite foolish at being so excited over what was likely just him fulfilling an obligation for a friend.

"I'm sure he's probably trying to figure out how to tie his tie. He's not so good with simple tasks," Patrick offered.

"Leave it to Pantsy to try and ruin my reputation when I'm not even here to defend myself" Eric interjected sidling up to the group. He kissed first Robin and then Alexis on the cheek. "Patrick and I are clearly the luckiest men in the room."

Alexis groaned inwardly as she felt herself blush at his compliment. The reddening of her cheeks did not go unnoticed by the other three.

"Geez Smitty, it looks like you even got a haircut - you're high class."

Rolling his eyes in mock frustration, he shook his head. "Despite what you wrote on the bathroom walls at school I wasn't actually raised in a barn."

Looping her arm through Patrick's, Robin grinned at Alexis. "Shall we go to our table before Abbot and Costello carry on with their routines?"

"Sounds like a great idea" she agreed. She hesitated only for a moment before placing her hand inside Eric's outstretched hand.

The ballroom at the Metrocourt was awash in red and white decorations. At each place setting on every table was a large fortune cookie with a love fortune peeking out from the end. Centrepieces were an elegant arrangement of long stemmed roses and small tealight candles adorned the tables providing soft, romantic lighting. The glitterati of Port Charles society was out in full force to support the hospital. Patrick was surprised but pleased to see his father. Noah, dressed in a midnight black tuxedo, was seated at the Chief of Staff's table and looked as though he was enjoying himself. He was amazed at how happy that made him. Seated at the same table as his father was Robin's uncle and when they had gone over to say hello, he could not help but feel as though Mac was taking the measure of him or evaluating him in some way. He knew that Mac was one of the most important people in Robin's life and in a new experience for him, he wanted very much for Mac to think he was good enough for his niece.

The dinner was culinary wonder, each course an explosion of flavours, heightening the senses. In between courses both women excused themselves to powder their noses, leaving Patrick and Eric alone.

"How are you doing?" Eric asked casually, reaching for his wine glass.

"I'm okay" he told him quietly. "I'm telling Robin tomorrow. My dad is going to be with me."

"Good. I know it won't be easy but I think you'll feel better with all the cards on the table."

"How...how bad is the chemo going to be?"

"Bad" he replied evenly.

Patrick let out a small, mirthless laugh. "Well thanks for not pulling any punches."

Eric smiled wryly. "Well I could but you're bound to find out the truth." He took a long sip of his wine and set his glass down. "I gotta tell you that despite all that's going on with you right now, I'm not sure I've ever seen you as happy. Pantsy, in some ways you are calmer, more together, than I've ever seen you."

"I'm in love" he answered simply, the corners of his mouth twitching upwards in a smile."They shouldn't call it falling in love though - I mean falling makes me think of panic and fear and it's not like that. It's like...I don't know, it's like sliding in love or something."

His friend smirked. "Full marks for effort in the romance department."

"Oh shut up" he told him kindly. "Your date is looking hot."

"Yes she is."

"Are you going to do something about it?" he prodded, enjoying his friend's slight discomfort.

The apples of his cheeks flushed suddenly and he cleared his throat trying to shed his embarrassment. "I'm hoping to"

Raising his wine glass, Patrick tipped it in his direction. "Welcome back."

"Are you two behaving yourselves?" Robin asked sliding back into her seat and closer to her boyfriend.

"Never!" Patrick teased as he kissed her. Robin curled her hand around his lapel, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss.

Draping his arm across the back of Alexis' chair, Eric leaned in and whispered conspiratorally. "I think they should get a room, or we should pelt them with bread until they stop."

Alexis was dizzy for the nearness of him. She had been sneaking looks all through dinner and was enjoying the way he filled out his suit. And now with his face so near to hers, she was intoxicated by his clean, fresh scent and she kept leaning in closer. Swallowing thickly, she tried to right herself before she fell all the way into him. "Bread bombs it is."

"Don't be jealous - you could join in." Robin teased, breaking the kiss. She smirked as both Eric and Alexis dropped their gaze shyly.

"It looks like they're going to start the dancing before dessert" Alexis said trying desperately to change the subject. "Do you dance?" she asked Eric.

He nodded and Patrick shot him an incredulous look. "Since when Smitty?"

"Hello? Are you forgetting that you and I are dance masters? Well of two particular dances that is."

"Oh? What dances are those?" Alexis asked, trying to ignore the rising heat in her body as she felt his fingertips moving lightly against the back of her bare shoulder.

"The white man shuffle - which we sometimes like to change up by throwing in the overbite" he said with faux seriousness, "and the grade 7, Stairway to Heaven sway. We are very good at both of those"

Alexis covered her mouth as she laughed and Robin snickered. "Geez Patrick, I mean I've seen the shuffle but you've never shown me the overbite," Robin teased.

"I don't like to show all my skills at once" he answered. "I have a few tricks up my sleeves."

"Up your sleeves or in your-"

Patrick cut her off by pinching her lips shut. "That'll do hot stuff."

"So are you saying you won't dance?" Alexis prodded as the music began to fill the room.

"Not all. Just being up front with my skill level."

"I consider myself warned," she grinned. "Shall we go put your skills on display?"

Pushing back his chair, Eric rose to his feet and pulled out Alexis' chair. "I would really like that." Taking her by the hand, he led her to the dance floor.

Alexis felt her body hum as his hand slid slowly up and down her back. With one hand on his shoulder and the other curled around his, she was lost in how strong he felt, how solid he seemed. She smiled as her eyes met his.

"You're beautiful" he told her softly, dipping his head.

"Thank you" she whispered.

He kept his eyes locked on hers, telegraphing his intent. He let his lips hover above hers for a moment before closing his mouth over hers. Alexis moaned slightly as her tongue tangled with his; his arm tightened around her waist and pulled her closer to him.

Pulling away she ended the kiss as quickly as it began and Eric looked at her in surprise. "Did I...Did I overstep?"

"No" she replied with a small shake of her head.

"Okay" he said slowly, confusion tinging his voice. "Is something wrong?"

She flashed him a nervous smile. "There are a lot of eyes in this room - including my ex-husband and I'm suddenly feeling like they're all staring at me."

"And you don't want to be stared at."

"Not by them anyways."

Eric's eyebrow quirked up and a small grin spread across his face. "Hypothetically speaking, if I were to say let's get out of here -what would you say?"

"Hypothetically I would say I need to get my purse."

Robin elbowed Patrick in the ribs as they watched their friends moving in time with the music. "They like each other!" she exclaimed giddily.

"So it would seem" Patrick agreed, pleased to see his friend taking a chance. "Can I take you for a spin around the dancefloor so I can show off my hot and sexy girlfriend?"

"Yes please" she replied with a big grin.

Closing his hand around hers, they walked to the dance floor. Patrick sighed happily as he took her in his arms. He loved the way she felt and the way their bodies seemed to always be in sync with each other. As she rested her head against his shoulder, he slowly threaded his fingers through her hair; it reminded him of rain falling through his fingers.

Holding open the door to his suite, Eric felt suddenly sheepish as Alexis crossed into the room.

They had stayed for dessert and enjoyed a couple of more dances but found it difficult to sustain a conversation as they were interrupted multiple times by people wanting to say hello to Alexis or by those curious as to who she was spending her time with. Finally, Eric dropped the hypothetical and asked her if she wanted to go some place quieter. She had agreed readily and did not even blink when he suggested his suite. Now that they were there, he was suddenly nervous.

"We could go to the bar" he suggested as he closed the door behind him. "If that would make you more comfortable." He set down the bottle of wine and two glasses he had cajoled the bartender into giving him.

Alexis sat down on the dark suede sofa and smiled at him. "Would it make you more comfortable?"

Taking off his jacket and hanging it on the back of the chair, he undid his tie and laid it over his jacket. "I'm plenty comfortable" he said with a grin. "Wine?"

"Please" Alexis kicked off her shoes and tucked her legs up underneath her. Accepting the proferred glass, she ran her finger along its rim as Eric sat down on the couch - not right beside her but definitely within arms' reach.

Conversation flowed easily between them as it had during the two phone calls they had shared in advance of the gala. She told him more about the Cassadine family, being careful to hold the most salacious details back so as not to scare him off. She spoke of being a mother and how she had never given it much thought but the moment she discovered she was pregnant with Kristina, she felt her whole life shift and was grateful for it. A small shiver worked its way from her head to her toes as he lightly trailed his fingers through her hair as she spoke.

Eric told her about his family - a large working class family from Washington. Everyone in his family was an athelete of some kind - except for him. His sisters had attended college on basketball scholarships and his brothers had played football. He told her how it was strange at times, being so different from all of them and that feeling of isolation was at the core of his friendship with Patrick. They had met each other their freshmen year, immediately recognized similarities in each other and formed a deep and abiding bond.

It had not escaped her notice that he continued to move closer to her as they spoke; his fingers becoming bolder, tracing her collarbone and down her shoulder. Surprising even herself, her hand slipped inside his shirt and swept across his broad, smooth chest. In anticipation of the kiss that she knew was coming, her breathing became shorter and her eyes darkened in desire.

His thumb dragged along her jaw bone as his eyes remained fixated on her mouth. He rarely lacked in confidence in any area of his life but when it came to women he was unsure of himself. All reason in his mind was telling him to stop, not to rush in too quickly but he pushed it away, listening instead to his heart that was quietly nudging him to take a leap of faith.

The kiss was electric. Sliding his arms around her, he pulled her flush against him before leaning back against the arm of the couch, taking her with him. Their hands and lips explored each other - tentatively at first. But as their whispered moans of delight filled the room, their exploration became more heated, more insistent.

Reluctantly pulling away, Eric exhaled slowly and closed his eyes.

"You're stopping?" Alexis asked, in confusion.

His eyes were heavy-lidded and his breathing was ragged. "I don't want to" he told her. "What I really want is to get you out of that dress but I don't...I'm not sure what you want. The next move is yours."

"I see" Alexis grabbed hold of her skirt and unsteadily got to her feet.

Eric swallowed down his disappointment as he sat up. He didn't want the night to end, he didn't want his moment with her to end but he also didn't want them to stumble into something and regret it later. It had been a very long time since he found himself as interested in a woman as he was in her. Standing up, he moved to start buttoning up his shirt which had become untucked and completely unbuttoned. He looked up in surprise when Alexis placed her hand over his and gave a small shake of her head.

She unzipped her dress and let it fall to the floor, stepping out of it. It was a bold move on her part, demonstrating a confidence she had not felt in a long time but she was finally feeling ready to take a chance again and after kissing him, she knew Eric was the chance she wanted to take.

Eric's lips parted slightly as an appreciative whoosh of breath escaped from the back of his throat. "You sure?" he asked breathlessly.

"Very" she replied with a nod.

Shrugging off his shirt and letting it fall to the ground, he stepped towards, slid his hands around her waist and picked her up. She wrapped her legs around his hips and fastened her mouth to his as he carried them into the bedroom and laid her gently on the bed.

Valentine's Day was turning out better than either could have ever imagined.

"May I cut in?" Mac asked as he approached Robin and Patrick on the dance floor.

"Gee Mac," Patrick deadpanned, "I'm not sure - who would lead -you or me?"

Chuckling, Mac shook his head. "Your boyfriend is a wiseass" he told his niece.

"I know but everyone has their faults."

Leaning in, Patrick stole a quick kiss from her. "You're a star for putting up with mine" he teased. Stepping out of the way, he ceded his place to Mac and made his way back to their table.

He filled his wine glass and watched as his girlfriend danced with her uncle. Her head was thrown back as she laughed at something he said. Robin was a person without pretense. She was exactly who she presented herself to be and made no apologies for it. For all of his trademark arrogance and bravado, he was never as comfortable in his own skin as she was - it left him both envious and amazed.

Not surprisingly, his mind drifted to thoughts of his illness and what was to come. He considered it nothing short of a miracle that he had been able to go an hour without being consumed by thoughts of it but the hour was up and the thoughts were back. Despite his father's reassurances that so much progress had been made in surgical technique and in therapy, he was not comforted. He knew the risks - brain damage, loss of mobility, death - and he knew given the size of his tumour he was hardly the ideal surgical candidate.

He watched as Robin glided across the floor in her uncle's arms, he wondered what would be the worst outcome for him. As a surgeon he had seen all kinds of results from surgery - favourable and unfavourable - and he understood in a way that few could that there are worse things in life than dying. What if he lost his memory? His memories of Robin. What if he woke up from surgery and no longer knew what it felt like to kiss her? What if he couldn't remember the sensation of her body moving with his? How deep would the loss be if he could not recognize the love in her eyes? How devastating would it be to have her touch - a touch that could reduce him to jelly - be unfamiliar?

He was afraid of dying in surgery because there was so much left he wanted to do with his life. He was afraid of it ending before he had the chance to really become the man that his potential had foretold. But those fears paled in comparison to the cold chill he felt at the possiblity of waking up to his life and no longer knowing it. The only acceptable outcome for him was to have the tumour removed and be able to resume his life exactly where he left it. It was just the odds of that happening were not in his favour.

As a second dance started, he was about to rise to his feet and reclaim his girlfriend on the dance floor but his mouth suddenly filled with an alkaline taste and his hand started to shake. He groaned and felt his eyes well with tears. He didn't want another seizure, not here, not on this night. It had been magical and he wanted it to continue. Much like the night of the Nurses' Ball, his flight instinct was in high gear. Swallowing thickly, he turned on his heel and tried to outrun the oncoming seizure. His legs were uncooperative as the muscles spasmed painfully. Doubled over, unsure he could walk any further; he looked up in surprise as he felt a supportive arm go under his shoulder.

"D-dad" he stammered. "I'm..." His voice trailed off as his tongue was already getting fat in his mouth.

"I know" Noah guided him out of the ballroom and down a side hallway as far from prying eyes as he could.

There was no way of stopping the seizure but the least he could do was protect his son's dignity. Shrugging off his jacket, he laid it down on the ground and guided Patrick on top of it. With his nimble hands, he quickly undid his son's tie and the top two buttons on his shirt. For as long as he lived he would never be able to forget the look of abject fear in his beloved son's eyes just before the seizure took hold.

He bit down hard on his lip as he watched his son writhe and spasm on the floor, wishing there was some way - any way - to make it stop.

"Noah"

The sound of Robin's voice pulled him from his thoughts as he turned around. She was wrapped in her uncle's arms and her brown eyes shimmered with unspilled tears. All he could do was nod his acknowledgement, for what was there left to do?

Mercifully, the seizure ended quickly and Robin shot from Mac's arms, kneeling down beside him. She brushed his damp hair from his forehead and kissed him softly. "I'm here Patrick" she told him, "I'm right here."

"Do you want me to call an ambulance?" Mac asked Noah quietly, disconcerted by what he had just witnessed.

Noah shook his head. "No. We just need to get him home and I'll check him out there."

"I have a Town car and driver" Mac said, "I'll call him and have him meet us out front. As soon as you're ready, head down."

"Thank you Mac" He turned his attention back to his son.

Patrick's breath came in ragged rythym and he groaned as he tried to sit up. Robin slipped behind him, letting him lean against her. She circled her arms around him and held him tightly as he tried to recover his strength. Glancing up, she and Noah shared a knowing look. This couldn't go on any longer - they both knew that.

They were also both terrified of what was next.


	62. Chapter 69

**Chapter 69**

I can't sleep - haunted by their faces,  
The sadness in their eyes  
It hurts so much to see them helpless

The seizure, his most violent yet, had sapped him of all his energy. It had been all he could manage to get to the car with his father's assistance. Robin had been eerily silent as they walked to the car. Once everyone was settled inside, she had taken his hand in hers and bringing it to her lips, kissed it. He had wanted to look at her, wanted to apologize for ruining their night but his mouth could form no words. It took both Mac and Noah to help him inside the apartment; his legs were like jelly and his arms felt as though they were weighed down with lead. Robin moved to follow them into the bedroom but Patrick had shaken his head, saying in a weak, quiet voice that he just wanted his father to help him.

Sitting on the bed, Patrick said nothing as his father crouched down and removed his shoes and socks. Rising to his feet, he slipped his arms under his son's and pulled him to a standing position to help him out of his pants. For Patrick, as he leaned against his father, unable to do anything as simple as remove his clothing it was a portent of things to come.

As his father gently sat him back down and carefully removed first one arm, then the other from his shirt, he dropped his head and bit down hard on his lip. His nightmare was coming true - he was unable to care for himself which meant he would be unable to care for anyone else. Noah lifted his arms and pulled them through the sleeves of his t-shirt.

He watched as his father tugged the soft cotton shirt down and then swept his legs into the bed and pulled the blankets around him. The lines around his eyes which once seemed to frame his face now appeared deeply graven. In that moment he understood the effect he was having on his him. He gave a small smile as Noah brushed his hair from his face, as he often used to do when he was a little boy.

"I'm just going to check your BP, Patty," he told him, reaching for his bag. Having retreived the cuff, he slipped it around his bicep and pumped the squeeze ball.

As his head continued to throb with the aftershocks of the seizure, he closed his eyes and tried to will the pain away. The weight of all of it - the tumour, the seizures, the treatment and the potential risks - was crushing him.

"BP is good Patrick," Noah said gently. "You just need to sleep it off at this point."

"I know" he croaked as he opened his eyes. "Is Robin okay?"

He nodded. "Mac's with her - I'm sure she'll be in to check on you in a couple of minutes."

"I ruined her night."

"I'm pretty sure she doesn't see it that way," he reassured him.

He exhaled slowly, his eyes growing heavy with fatigue. "I wish I was more like Mom" he said wistfully. "I'm not...not graceful like her."

The words went straight to Noah's heart as he finally understood what Robin had been trying to get him to see all those weeks ago. What had been the right decision a decade ago, was now doing more harm than good. He needed to tell his son the truth - not tonight - but tomorrow. Before his son embarked on the next phase of his treatment, before he headed to surgery he needed to know that he was doing as well as anyone could.

"Get some sleep son" His voice hitched. "We'll talk in the morning." Rising from the bed, he leaned forward and kissed his son's forehead. "I love you Patty."

"Love you too Dad" he whispered before finally drifting off to an exhausted slumber.

Mac tugged the afghan from the arm of the couch and wrapped it around his niece's shoulders before sitting down beside her. Clutching the ends of the blanket, Robin leaned her head against his shoulder and let out a long, tired sigh. Mac kissed the top of his head as he draped his arm around her.

"That was scary" he said quietly.

She nodded. "They're so painful for him. They bleed him of all his energy and strength - he'll sleep for the next 12 hours because he's spent."

Mac gently corrected her. "I meant for you."

Raising her eyes, she gave him a small, watery smile. "One track mind."

"Yes" he told her unapologetically. "It can't be easy to watch that happen - to know that can happen at any time."

"I hate it - hate it" she whispered tearfully before burying her head in his shoulder.

Closing both arms around her, Mac hugged her tightly. There was something upsettingly familiar about all of this and while he knew it was irrational to be angry with someone who was sick - he knew it wasn't Patrick's fault - he truly resented that Robin was going through this again. She had been through enough for a lifetime.

Robin let herself melt into her uncle's embrace and all the warmth and security it provided. Seeing Patrick in the grips of a seizure shook her to her core. It was violent, frightening and completely outside of anyone's control. It also drove home the reality she had been trying to avoid - Patrick was in deep, deep trouble and was unlikely to come out the other side unchanged.

And that made her angry - furious even.

All of her instincts screamed at her to run away when Patrick started to pursue her. Her head loudly reminded her of all the pain and heartache she had suffered over the years and that following her heart only led to disappointment. She had tried to drown out all the negativity and give into the moment - like she used to do before her world was turned on its axis - but every time he got close, she would back away. The rational part of her had hoped that if she backed away enough, he would simply lose interest and move on. That way it wouldn't be her decision, it wouldn't be her deciding not to take a risk rather it would prove he wasn't interested in her enough to make the effort.

Her theory was blown to bits as he didn't give up. She was drawn to him and every once in a while, when her head wasn't paying attention, her heart would whisper its encouragment. It would tell her to take a chance, that 10 years was long enough to have punished herself for being true to who she was. And little step by little step she moved closer to him rather than further away.

By the time her head realized what was going on, it was too late; she was all in. She had laid her cards on the table and now it felt like the universe was calling her bluff.

She loved him. Completely. This wasn't the first blush of love as it was with Stone, nor was it the healing love that she had with Jason. This was a grown up, adult love. This was a love that was as concerned with the future as the present. She loved him without restraint and now they were teetering on the precipice and it could all crash down at any minute. She wasn't sure her heart would recover a third time.

Her head snapped up as Noah entered the room and lowered himself, tiredly, onto the chair. His tie was scrunched up and dangled from his coat pocket.

"How is he?" she asked softly.

"Sleeping" Noah answered, his own eyes heavy with fatigue and worry.

"It's getting worse" Robin stated.

Noah nodded his agreement. "He needs the surgery - in the next couple of weeks."

"What happens if he doesn't?" Mac asked curiously.

Noah and Robin exchanged a knowing look. Neither wanted to be the one to speak the words, as if somehow doing so would make it more real or give it a power it didn't already have. Inhaling sharply, Noah finally broke the silence.

"His seizures will worsen and become more frequent - probably daily. He is already losing sensation in his left hand and that will continue as the tumour grows and places pressure on the nerves. It will become harder and harder for him to care for himself."

"But the surgery is also dangerous?" he asked.

Robin nodded. "The tumour is in a sensitive spot in his brain and it will be difficult to remove it without damaging something in the process."

"What kind of damage are we talking about?" Mac could feel the nervous energy coming off both of them in waves.

"He could lose his speech, his mobility, his memory..." Robin began.

"Or his life" Noah added hoarsely.

Mac nodded his understanding.

"His appointment with Eric didn't go well, did it?" Robin asked. The look on her face dared Noah to tell her otherwise.

He shook his head. "No." He sucked in a breath before speaking again. His son's trust was hard won and he was uneasy about telling stories that weren't his to tell but Robin needed the truth. Noah also knew that the clock was ticking on his son's life and he was done trying to protect people, including himself, from ugly realities. "He got a Botox injection a few weeks ago."

"NO!" Robin gasped, her hands flying to her mouth.

"What does that mean?" Mac asked, not happy with the tears pooling in his niece's eyes.

"Botox has shown some success in quelling tremors" Noah explained, "it's often used in treating Parkinson's."

"And it's a bad thing here?"

Robin nodded. "Tremors are a way knowing if the tumour is getting bigger or smaller, if he's hiding the symptoms then we don't know and his treatment can't be adjusted accordingly." She shook her head as she felt the anger suddenly swell up inside her. "I can't believe he did that - is he out of his mind? How could he lie to me? To you? To any of us? What the hell was he thinking??"

Mac gently stroked her hair, trying to rid her of some of her agitation. "It sounds to me like he was trying to protect the people he loves."

She looked at her uncle in surprise.

He smiled at her. "Kind of like you wanted to do with Stone" he told her softly.

"But I told Stone!" she protested.

"He is going to tell you" Noah interjected. "He...he just wanted to give you tonight"

A small gasp escaped from the back of his throat as she covered her face with her hands. "He's been doing that a lot" she croaked, "trying to make moments for him - for us - like he's going...like he's going to die or something."

Noah and Mac stared at each other for several beats, saying nothing. Their children were in a world of pain and though they would both willingly change places with them and take it on, they knew that was simply not possible.

"Robin, he's hyper aware of his situation. And he's worried for the impact on you."

"And what about the impact on you, Noah?"

"My heart is breaking Robin" he admitted quietly. "But I have faith that he is going to come through this. It's going to be hard and maybe even ugly but he's going to survive because the alternative...it's not possible for me."

"But I think he's given up." Large salty tears trickled down Robin's face. "I don't know if I can do this" she cried quietly. "I don't know that I can watch him lose himself."

Patrick, in need of a drink of water, had walked down the hall to the kitchen pausing only when he heard the voices. As he leaned against the wall and listened to both his father and his girlfriend voice their fears and worries, he started to shake. All his efforts to take care of them, to protect them were for naught.

Turning slowly, he headed back to the bedroom, his need for water long forgotten.

In a moment of clarity he knew exactly what he had to do. 


	63. Chapter 70

**Chapter 70**

And I know it aches  
How your heart breaks  
You can only take so much

He placed the note on the nightstand near her watch and leaning over, gently kissed her lips. "I love you Robin" he whispered. Her eyes fluttered but she did not wake.

Stealing silently from the bedroom, he pulled the door closed behind him.  
Reaching for his jacket, he tugged it over his shoulders, slipped into his boots and headed outside. As he walked towards the pier, he pulled the collar of his jacket closer to his neck to ward off the chill.

It had been a fitful night for him. He had pretended to be asleep when Robin finally came to bed; he had watched her in the dark as she took off her dress – something he had been hoping to do himself – and laid it over the chair by her vanity. She had taken one of his t-shirts from the drawer and pulled it over her head before crawling into bed with him. She had reached for him, sliding her arms around him and pressing her lips to his chest. Because he had not been asleep, he had felt the first of several hot tears drop on to his shirt and thought his heart would break as a result.

He was alone on the pier; the sun had barely risen from the sky and it was too early for most to be outside. Staring at the water, the wind lashed at his face – it was bitterly cold and reflected his mood.

There was a single loop that had played in his head all night and continued in the early morning light.

_I don't know if I can do this_

He jammed his hands in his pockets and sank down on to the bench. It was a very different visit to the pier than the one he had taken last summer. Some things were the same – his mind was swirling with grim possibilities and outcomes – but many things were different. Last time it had been Robin who had brought him there to help him find perspective, to just see, if even for a moment, that life goes on and he would as well.

Now he was searching for perspective about Robin.

All his adult life he had been afraid of turning into his father. It never occurred to him that he would be like his mother instead. And if he was his mother then he ran the risk of hurting Robin like his mom had hurt his father. It was an intolerable risk for him to take.

He loved her – freely, beyond reason, unconditionally – and that was why he knew he had to let her go. What was coming for him was ugly and insidious and very likely fatal. He would not let her have a front row seat to it. She was too vibrant, had too much to give to be weighed down by him.

The memory of her breaking down over the anniversary of Stone's death was fresh in his mind. He had been angry with Stone during that time. It made little sensel to be angry with a dead teenager he had never met – he knew that – but he was angry just the same. That someone who had loved her so much had caused her so much pain. He did not want to do that to her, he could not.

Looking down at his watch, he sighed heavily. He had agreed to meet his father for breakfast and then they would tell Robin together about his condition. But first he had to tell his father that he was ending things with her.

His legs were heavy as he rose to his feet and shuffled up the steps. His hardest moments were yet to come.

It truly was the winter of his discontent.

Alexis smiled as she looked down at the arm loosely draped across her waist. The evening had taken an unexpected yet amazing turn. Of all the ways she had imagined the night ending – and there had been a few – she had not imagined ending it in bed with him.

After her ex-husband's infidelity and her bout with cancer, she felt very much unwanted and unwomanly but Eric had changed that. Even if it was only temporary, it felt good to be desired.

The early morning sun peeked through the curtains and as she drank in his lean frame, she felt a shiver go through her. He was a beautiful man. What amazed her most was how much he touched her. Even through the night, as they drifted off to sleep, he always had an arm around her or across her, bringing her to him. Even in the early, heady days of her marriage to Ric it had not been like that.

She slid her hand up his arm, still not quite believing the night before. Seeing his four-leaf clover tattoo on his shoulder she traced its outline with her finger.

"Looking to get lucky?" he mumbled, his eyes still closed.

"I already did – twice" she retorted.

Eric's eyes snapped open and he grinned at her. Closing his hand over her hip, he pulled her closer to him. He kissed her softly, nibbling on her lips.

"Good morning" he greeted her sleepily as he nuzzled her neck. Feeling her stiffen slightly, he lifted his head and raised his eyebrow. "Is something wrong?"

"No" she replied quickly, not quite meeting his eyes.

The corners of his mouth twitched up into a smile. "Are you freaking out?"

Raising her eyes to meet his, Alexis smiled in spite of herself. "Eric, I'm pretty neurotic - if I'm not freaking out a little, I'm likely not breathing." She tried to ignore the rising heat in her body as his fingers danced along her ribs.

"Okay" he replied with a grin. "Are you freaking out more than usual?"

"No"

The air of hesitation in her voice made him sit up. "Are you...are you having regrets?"

Her eyes widened in surprise. "No - god no."

"Then what is it?"

"It's just..." She blew the air from her cheeks as she pulled at invisible threads on the sheet. "It's been a long time since I've been on a date with someone who wasn't my husband and I guess...I'm not sure what's next."

He smiled broadly as he reached for her hand. "Alexis, do you like me?"

She nodded shyly. "Very much."

"Good - cause I like you." He tugged her to him and wrapped his arms around her. "As for what comes next -I'm thinking breakfast is definitely in order - eggs, bacon, toast maybe even pancakes."

"That's quite an appetite you've worked up" she teased lightly.

He waggled his eyebrows in response. "So where shall we go?"

"Well Kelly's has the best diner breakfast in town but I'm afraid I can't go in my ballgown."

"Hmmm" he mused, nibbling on her ear. "Can you go naked? Cause I'd like that."

She slapped him playfully as she kicked back the covers. "I'm afraid not. My office is actually downstairs and I always keep a change of clothes there. Why don't I meet you in the lobby in say, half an hour?"

Eric pushed back his side of the covers and rolled out of bed. Seeing a flash of white out of the corner of her eye, Alexis turned her head and reaching out, gently touched the small patch on the back of his hip. "Is that a nicotine patch?"

With his back to her, he closed his eyes and inhaled quietly. He looked over his shoulder and smiled uneasily. "Something like that. So, half an hour?"

"Yup," she said as she slipped into her dress.

Having pulled on his shorts, he walked her to the door and kissed her gently. "See you downstairs."

Patrick stared into his coffee cup as he waited for his father. Time seemed to move only one of two ways these days - too quickly or too slowly. And it never moved the way he wanted it to when he wanted it. On the back of his napkin he had started to write out his plan - what he needed to pack, what day he could start chemo - and then turned it over.

The jangle of the bells as the door opened caused his head to snap up. He swallowed a nervous breath as his father walked through. He gave him a small wave and weak smile. Noah took of his jacket and hung it on the back of his chair.

"It's cold out there" he said easily as he sat down. Ever the clinician, he did a quick visual evaluation of his son and was not remotely comforted by what he saw.

"Yeah" he answered flatly.

"Is Robin joining us?" he asked carefully.  
Patrick nodded. "I left her a note - she didn't sleep that much last night so I didn't want to wake her too early."

"And how are you doing?"

He scoffed. "Peachy. I have a large tumour in my head that's getting larger, I am having seizures that are more violent everyday, I can't feel the tips of fingers on my left hand and in the rare moments where my head isn't pounding all I want to do is sleep."

"So we'll tell Robin about the chemo today and we'll get Eric to start you on it tomorrow" he offered hopefully.

"I'm not telling Robin."

Noah's brow knit together in confusion. "Pardon?"

He shook his head. "I've done a lot of thinking about this and I think it's best if I leave - I'm going to go back to New York with Eric and have my treatment there."

"What?" Noah exclaimed loudly, drawing the attention of several diners. Leaning forward he stared at his son in disbelief. "What do you mean?"

Closing his eyes, he inhaled sharply. He wished people wouldn't ask for an explanation. He wished they would just listen to what he said and accept it. The explaining and justifying of his decisions was more exhausting than anything else. It wasn't as if he arrived at his decisions quickly or thoughtlessly. He had weighed the options and then picked what was, in his judgement, the best one.

"I mean that I'm going where I can get the best care - and that's in the City. And I'm ending things with Robin - before..." his lip quivered, "before I hurt her worse than I already have."

"Patrick you're being ridiculous" he rebuked him gently. "Robin is in love with you - as you are with her. This is a moment where you have to stand together - just as you stood together when she was struggling in the fall."

He shook his head. "Not at the cost of her health - mental or physical. I would never be able to live with myself if I made her sick." His voice was hoarse and tired, belying the toll his illness was taking on him. "I cannot...I cannot let her do this. I love her too much" he whispered.

"This is madness, son" Noah tried to reason. "You don't walk away from a love...from a love like this" His voice faltered as he realized the depth of his son's despair.

"I'm not Mom" he protested. "I don't have her dignity or strength and I can't keep putting someone that I love as much as Robin through this. To have her watch me on chemo?" He shook his head. "There is no way."

Noah gripped his coffee cup and hoped that he would be forgiven for what he was about to do. "Patrick," he began nervously, "do you honestly believe that your mother didn't go through exactly what you are going through?"

He narrowed his eyes and looked carefully at his father. "I know she went through this," his tone dripped of sarcasm, "but she handled it better than I am."

"No she didn't"

"Pardon me?" The challenge in Patrick's voice rang through loud and clear.

"Patrick, your mother struggled – right until the very end. As the tumour progressed, her ability to stay in control shrank away. She had moments of delusion, venomous anger and depression. There was not a lot of elegance about her….not at the end."

"Take that back" he hissed. "MY mother was graceful and dignified right up to and including the moment they wheeled her into the OR. The only undignified moment of her entire existence was dying on the table."  
His brown eyes blazed furiously as he glared at his father, daring him to go on.

Noah saw the challenge but refused to back down. If his son was about to throw it all away because of some misguided notion then the best thing he could do for him, the thing he absolutely had to do for him, was tell him the truth.

"Your mother was a beautiful and loving woman. I know that because I was loved by her for almost 25 years. But I was with her Patrick, I was with her in our room when she would scream at me. When she would hurl anything she could get her hands on across the room. Her seizures were awful and after one should would lie listlessly in bed telling me she would rather die than live like that."

Patrick's knuckles turned white as he gripped the table. The muscle in his cheek twitched as he listened to his father knock dents in his mother's character. Rage churned inside him.

"You're a liar" he spat. "I don't know why you are lying but I know that you are. My mother wanted to live – she wanted to fight – she looked to you to save her. YOU failed her – YOU did that-"

"Patrick-" Noah reached across the table to calm him and winced as his son snatched his hand away in anger.

"Don't you fucking touch me. I cannot believe you are doing this to Mom. She would be ASHAMED of you – if she wasn't already."

Words as weapons were often sharper than knives and Patrick's hit their target. Noah grimaced and absorbed the blow but would not be deterred.

"Your mother was sick Patrick – just as you are. She suffered everything you are suffering and worse. She didn't want you to see that so we did our best to protect you from it. But the truth is, in the grips of all of it, your mother could be hateful, harmful and heartbreaking. You are no different."

For someone as sick as he was, he moved with lightning speed. He overturned the table and grabbed his father by his shirt, slamming him against the wall. He may not have had much sensation in his hand but it did little to impede his fist smashing into Noah's face.

"YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MY MOTHER" he screamed. He rained blow and after blow on his father, pummelling him.

Noah could do little but put his hands up in a vain attempt to protect himself. His knees buckled as Patrick's fist made contact with his ribs.

As Patrick raised his fist, he was shocked to find himself impeded by a set of strong arms wrapping around him. He strained against the arms, trying to get to his father but could make little progress.

"ENOUGH!" Eric said loudly as he pulled him away from his father and to the other side of the diner, "Patrick, that is enough"

His knuckles were bleeding and his breathing ragged as he collapsed into the chair. He looked over to his father, slumped on the floor, his face a  
bloody mess and he looked back to his friend in bewilderment.

"Wh-what have I done?" His breath came in shuddering spurts. "Smitty you have to get me out of here. Please – get me out of here."

"Oh my god" Robin's voice rang clearly through the diner and Patrick dropped his head in shame. "What have you done?"

She moved towards him but Patrick shook his head violently. "Don't touch me – just…just leave me alone." His humiliation was all encompassing.

She took another step towards him but Eric turned around and blocked her path. He gave a small shake of his head. "Could you see to Noah?" He looked over to where Noah, with Alexis' help, was shakily getting to his feet.

"Eric" she pleaded.

"Robin," he began evenly, "I think Noah might have a concussion and I need you to take him to be checked out. I'm going to check out Patrick and we'll meet you back at your apartment, okay?"

He knew that every fibre of her being was screaming to get to Patrick – to care for him, to comfort and console him; but he knew his friend was feeling ignoble and more than anything at the moment needed some space to collect himself.

Robin stared at her boyfriend, trying to get him to look at her, to see her but he would not raise his eyes. Defeated, she crossed the room.

She pulled a pair of latex gloves from her purse as she set it down on the table. She looked sadly at Noah's battered face, who tried not to wince as Robin palpated his cheek.

"I don't think anything is broken" she told him softly.

"Nice to know I can still take a punch" he joked weakly, grabbing at his ribs as he did so.

"What happened?"

Noah met her gaze and smiled sadly. "I thought it was time to tell him the truth about Mattie. It didn't go very well."

"This is my fault" she said plaintively.

"No" he told her firmly, his speech impeded by the swelling on his face. "You were right – he needed to – he needs to know the truth."

All three of them looked towards the door as Eric ushered Patrick outside. Noah and Robin shared a sad, crushing look.

"I have my car" Alexis said, speaking up. "Why don't I take us to the hospital?"

Rising unsteadily to his feet, Noah nodded. "Robin – go to Patrick. He needs you right now, more than he knows."

Leaning against the doorframe of the bedroom, his arms folded across his chest, Eric watched as Patrick tossed his clothes haphazardly into his suitcases.

"Pantsy, I wish you would stop for a minute and think – because you are making quite possibly the dumbest decision in your life."

He shook his head and continued to pull his clothes from their hangers.  
It had been a wordless ride back to the apartment. Reeling from what he had done, from his complete loss of control, he had sunk to the couch and let his friend clean the scrapes on his hand. As Eric had applied the last band aid, Patrick looked at his friend and told him in an exhausted, beaten voice that he was moving back to New York City. Having gathered his strength, he headed to the bedroom to pack the few belongings he had.

"I can't do this" he said, finally speaking as he closed his first suitcase. "I can't be here and have them watch me….die."

"You are NOT dying" Eric snapped, "so stop fucking talking like that."  
Patrick looked at him with resignation. "You can't make that guarantee, no one can. And so it is better for everyone if I leave."

He shook his head. "You are the only person who thinks it's better if you leave. Patrick, your father and your girlfriend love you – LOVE you. You can't just walk away from that."

"I have to. Can't you see that? Look – just look at what I did to my father." His eyes welled with tears, horrified at his own actions. "What if….what if it had been Robin?"

"You would never hurt Robin. I know that as sure as I know anything."

"You can't know that. I don't even know that."

"If you ask me-"

"Which I didn't" he pointed out.

"If you ask me" he continued, undeterred, "that fight with your dad was years in coming. That had less to with whatever it was he told you and everything to do with all that anger and pain you've been keeping locked up inside you."

"Thanks so much Oprah," he sniffed, returning to his packing.

"You need to stay"

"No" he whispered. "What I need….what I need is for my best friend to be my best friend" he told him tearfully. "What I need is for you to let me move back into our old apartment so I can start the chemo."

"Running away doesn't solve anything"

"Please" he pleaded, "I've never asked you for anything but I am…I am begging you Eric – please let me come back with you. If I have to do this on my own I will but I could really use a friend."

Eric rubbed his hand over his face and blew out his cheeks. His friend refused to see reason, was unable to understand the devastation his choice would cause. But he could not deny him. Patrick had been by his side, unfailingly so, as he walked through the hellfire, and now it was his turn.

"Of course you can stay with me"

"Are you going somewhere?" Robin asked in a strangled voice. 


	64. Chapter 71

**Chapter 71**

Goodbye love. Hello disease. 

Staring at the suitcases lying haphazardly on the bed, Robin took one steadying breath after another. She wasn't sure what she expected to find when she came home but she was pretty sure this wasn't it. A shirt dangled from the suitcase, twisted and tangled, in his haste to put his clothes away. Crossing the room, she carefully picked up the crumpled sleeve, straightened it out and folded it into the suitcase. He was normally so fastidious about his clothes - he loved clothes and wore them well. He never let them pile up on the floor or get crinkled. Seeing one of his shirts tossed away with so little concern shook her.

"You're leaving" she stated quietly as she turned around to look at him.

Patrick stared at the floor. He couldn't look at her - not in the eyes at least. Her eyes had been a weakness of his from the moment he met her.  
They were a rich brown and enormously expressive. He loved the way they danced when she was being mischievous or the way they darkened when she was concentrating on something, trying to solve a problem. He adored the way she looked at him because she loved him and the proof of that could be found there.

If he looked at her now, he would lose his nerve. He wanted to stay with her but it wasn't possible - not with what was coming.

"Yes" he whispered.

"Why?"

"I have to"

With her knees shaking, she sat down on the edge of the bed between his suitcases. "No you don't. You don't have to leave."

He sucked on his bottom lip and jammed his tremulous hands in his pockets. "I can't stay. I'm sick Robin and I need to...I can't be here."

Pursing her lips together, she nodded. "You're scared, I get that. But running doesn't solve anything."

"Is my father okay?" he asked quietly, still not quite meeting her gaze.

"Alexis took him to the hospital but I don't think anything is broken."

"The tumour is short circuiting my emotional responses" he told her matter-of-factly. "That could have been you Robin – I could have lost it on you as easily as I did my father. I cannot be around you."

"That's bullshit and you know it." Her fiery tone finally succeeded in getting him to look her in the eye. "You would never hurt me."

"Be honest Robin, until you came into Kelly's this morning did you really think I could hurt my father?"

"You would never hurt me" she repeated.

"I already have" he whispered.

"That's not true."

Robin was struggling to stay in control. Panic was sweeping through her and though she was trying to hold it at bay, her boyfriend's resigned and defeated tone were doing little to help her. Her biggest fear – always – was being left behind. It had happened too many times in her life to count and she was not sure she could go through it again. It had taken everything she had to open her heart again, to take a blind leap of faith and the mere hint of it being stolen from her again had her near the edge.

His bottom lip quivered. "Please don't make this harder than it is."

Springing to her feet, she angrily crossed the floor and stood in front of him. "Did you think I was going to make this easy on you? Did you think I would let you go without a fight?"

"Robin-"

"I am NOT giving you up – do you hear me?" She grabbed hold of the Claddagh necklace resting against her skin and held it up to him. "Do you know what this means? When you gave it to me you told me it was because you love me and you admire me. This is us, Patrick. We are friends, we are lovers and we are loyal to each other."

Seeing her reach for his hand, Patrick moved away from her. Her touch was kryptonite – it would sap him of all his strength and take him from the course he knew he had to follow.

Stepping past her, he walked to his suitcases and closing the tops, zipped them up. He clenched his eyes shut as her arms wrapped around him and she pressed her body against his. His left hand shook badly as he covered her hand with his.

"You have to let me go Robin" he told her hoarsely, willing himself not to cry. Nothing in his life would be as difficult as this.

"No," she told him emphatically.

Gathering what strength he could, he gently unclasped her hands and pulled away from her.

Feeling as though her legs would give out on her, Robin backed up against the wall and stared at him. His anguish was total and he wore it on his face.

"You're in ten different kinds of pain and you don't understand how to process it. You've shut down - you think it's to protect me but it's to protect you. You're afraid - you're terrified, that if you actually stop and let yourself feel this that you will fall apart." She swiped at the tears that trickled down her face "But you won't. You have me and you have Noah and Eric and the point of relationships is to have someone to see you through the good times and the bad. To have someone who can carry you when you can't take another step."

His tears fell recklessly down his cheeks. "It can't be you," he whispered.

"Because you think I'll fail you?"

"No" he replied with a shake of his head. "Because I can't let you watch me die."

"You are not going to die" she told him defiantly.

Patrick slapped his head down on the bed. "I wish everyone would STOP saying that," he snapped. "I am a fucking neurosurgeon, I KNOW what it is I am facing and death is a very fucking real possibility. And if not death then there are a host of other shitty things that could happen."

Robin sucked in a shuddering breath and tried to balance herself before she spoke. "Okay," she began softly, "let's say the worst happens and that you do die." The mere mention of his death being a reality squeezed the air from her heart. "Don't you….don't you think it would be better to die surrounded by those of us who love you than alone? Wouldn't you want your last memories to be of love and family?"

In her mind the last hours of Stone's life played. She could still feel the heat from his body as she had climbed in to bed with him and pulled his arm around her. He was already gone but his body still held the warmth that she loved.

And in an instant, the image changed from Stone to Patrick. Her legs finally gave out and she sank to the floor, pulling her knees to her chest.

Patrick slipped from the bed and crawled across the floor to her. He could not bear to see her in pain and yet he believed whatever pain he caused her now would be worth it as it would spare her a greater pain in the long run. Unable to stop himself, he reached for her and pulled her into his arms.

She tightly wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder. "I love you," she whispered.

Patrick swallowed down the acrid lump that had formed in his throat. "I love you too" he said, closing his eyes as he stroked her hair.

With hearts hammering inside their chests, they stayed wrapped together, sitting on the floor for nearly 20 minutes. Neither wanted to be the one to move first, knowing that the minute they let go of each other everything would change.

Leaning against the wall in the hallway, Eric pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed heavily. His friend was in the process of making perhaps the biggest mistake of his life and there was nothing he could do to stop it. The damage that he would leave in his wake would be intense and far reaching.

"That's not a happy face"

Looking up, he smiled as Alexis strode down the hall towards him.  
Extending his arm to her, he pulled her against him and brushed his lips against hers. "How is Noah?"

"Bruised ribs and bruised jaw. Dare I ask what's going on in there?" She jerked her head in the direction of the door.

"Nothing good" he sighed. "Patrick wants to come back to New York with me."

"That's stupid" she snapped.

"I agree" he answered slowly, "and I told him so but I'm not sure it's had any impact."

"Is that why you called me?" she asked, knitting her brow together in confusion.

"Yeah" he nodded. "I don't know any of Robin's friends – besides you – but if Pantsy goes through with what he's planned, I don't think Robin should be alone."

"This is going to be bad, isn't it?"

"Very" he nodded.

Patrick slowly and reluctantly extricated himself from Robin's arms. Her grip tightened on him as she felt him move; she was not ready to let him go.

She would never be ready to let him go.

As gently as he could, he removed her hands from him and slipped from her embrace. Rising to his feet, he turned his back to her and pulled the suitcases from the bed. She watched in disbelief as he left the room and headed to the door.

Scrambling to her feet, she ran after him. "Patrick!" she cried.

He stood frozen at the door, a suitcase in each hand, unable to turn around.

"Please," she cried, tears streaming unashamedly down her face. "Please don't leave me. Please don't leave us."

Looking over his shoulder, his own face awash in tears he simply shook his head. "I have to."

Quickly, before his will failed him once and for all, he pulled open the door and stepped through. He glanced at Eric, gave him a small nod and headed down the hall.

Robin dropped to her knees, clutching her stomach in abject grief.

Eric smiled wistfully at Alexis before heading after his friend. Alexis exhaled quietly and crossing the threshold into the apartment, sank to her knees in front of the young doctor and pulled her into her arms and held her.

There were simply no words that could offer any comfort. 


	65. Chapter 72

**Chapter 72**

This grief overwhelms me  
It burns in my stomach  
And I can't stop bumping into things

"FUCK!" Robin yelled as the mug slipped from her hands and crashed to the floor. Shards of ceramic spun across the kitchen floor as hot tea splashed onto her shoes. Staring down at the broken mug, she pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes to stem the tears that seemed to be every present. She would not cry. Not again.

It had been two days since Patrick had walked out the door and she was still in a state of shock. She had no idea how long she had stayed on the floor, with Alexis soothing her. She had a vague recollection of shuffling back to the bedroom and curling up on the bed. She had eventually fallen asleep and when she first woke, for a brief moment, she had completely forgotten the events of earlier in the day. It wasn't until she reached for him that she remembered he was gone; that unleased a torrent of tears that soaked her pillow. Her eyes had been swollen and red rimmed ever since.

It was and remained so completely unbelievable. Her calls to his cell phone went straight to voice mail, text messages and emails were left unanswered; it was though he had been simply erased from her life. But she didn't believe that, not while she could still feel him in the apartment - the sheets on the bed still smelled like him. In his haste to get out, he had forgotten to take the pile of his clothes that were in the laundry basket. She had retreived one of his well worn sweatshirts from the basket and had not taken it off since he left. She was cold without him, the bed felt bigger, the apartment, emptier. It wasn't so much that her heart was broken as it was shattered.

No one, outside of Alexis, knew that he had left. She refused to tell anyone, believing that he would come back through that door at any minute. She had dialed her uncle Mac's number several times but never completed the call. On some level she believed if she said it out loud, if she started telling people then it would be real and it wasn't real. It couldn't be.

Time escaped her notice completely. She would find herself staring off into space for hours until some kind of noise pulled her from her trance. Every conversation had been replayed over and over again. She was searching for something, anything she could have said that would have changed his mind. Patrick was a rational person, he understood logic and linear thinking and she was beginning to believe if she had just made the case for him to stay then he would have. She was well aware of how difficult it had been for him to fall in love, to unshackle his heart enough to let her in but he did and as with everything with him, once he was in he was all in.

Had she come across as weak? Was that why he didn't trust her to help him through it? Was it her struggle with the anniversary of Stone's death or her speech at the Nurses' Ball? Had she done something to convince him that she was incapable of coping with his illness?

Perhaps she had been too open with him, had shared too much. It was her pattern, when she fell in love, that she wanted to share everything. She didn't have secrets - they took time to keep and she wasn't blessed with an abundance of time. So she shared, without reticence, who she was but maybe that was a mistake. Maybe she revealed more of herself than anyone wanted to know and that's why they left her.

Having swept up the broken pieces and tossed them in the garbage, she reached for a rag and mopped up the tea that had pooled on the floor. She had just finished rinsing out the rag when she heard a knock at the door. Her heart started to hammer loudly against her ribs and her throat closed over. Dragging her hand through her hair, she tried to smooth her messy ponytail as she sprinted to the door.

"Patrick!" she exclaimed breathlessly.

"I'm the wrong Drake, I'm sorry" Noah apologized as he watched her face fall in disappointment.

"Noah" Her heart dropped to her stomach. It was now possible that he wasn't coming back and that made her knees tremble.

"I apologize for not calling first but I wanted to check on you."

Stepping aside, she let him through the door. His face was a palette of blue and green bruises, his bottom lip still swollen and cracked. For a moment she thought he looked as she felt.

Noah watched as she closed the door. She was a woman who with her intelligence and personality could take up a lot space in a room; she always seemed bigger than she was but now Robin seemed so small and it pained him.

"Are you okay?" he asked gently.

Chewing on her bottom lip, she shook her head. Her brown eyes were filled past the brim with tears. "No" she whispered.

Giving her a sad smile, Noah opened his arms to her and waited. Crossing the floor, Robin let herself be enveloped in his embrace as his arms closed around her. He hugged her tightly.

"I'm so sorry Robin" he told her softly as her hot tears hit his sweater. He had grown quite fond of the young doctor in the year that he had known her. She was strong and capable, an excellent doctor and an incredibly compassionate person. She had stood by his son when he needed it, challenged and pushed him and made it possible for him to fall in love. He could not have hand picked a better match for his son.

Sniffling softly, she pulled away from his embrace and wiped her tears. "Have you heard from him?" she asked hopefully.

"No. I've called but I get voice mail. I suspect he's ashamed and scared. When he was a little boy and stuff would happen, he would hide. Mattie and I would search the house, the garden, the shed - we'd find him eventually but usually not until he was ready for us to find him."

"Do you know where he is?"

"I assume he's with Eric in the City."

Her eyes filled yet again with tears. "He should be here with me."

"I know," he agreed. "He'll come back Robin-"

"I don't think so. I'm trying to fool myself into thinking that he will but I don't think he will. He really thinks he's going to die or be incapcitated and doesn't want me around."

"Robin, he loves you."

Walking towards the couch, she shook her head. "I'm not sure" she answered flatly.

"Robin-" he began.

"I mean it Noah. If you look at my life, it is filled with people who supposedly love me but always leave. I am always the one left behind - I don't think that's love or not a good kind of love anyways." She sank to the couch and pulled her legs underneath her.

Noah sat on the arm of the chair and looked at her. Much like when Mattie was sick, the pain of Patrick's illness extended far beyond himself. He wanted to shake his son, tell him that it was impossible to deal with what was coming on his own. That the only way to cope, for even a minute, was with love. He wanted to scream that grace didn't come from inside but was arrived by drawing on the strength of others.

"Are you taking care of youself?" he asked carefully, knowing all too well the slippery slope that grief provided.

"I'm taking my meds if that's what you're asking" she snapped. She immediately regretted her harsh tone.

Noah was unfazed by it and smiled kindly at her. "That wasn't what I was asking" he clarified. "Are you eating?"

She shrugged. "When I'm hungry."

"Can I do anything for you?"

She shook her head. "I'm just trying to keep it together - not very successfully mind you."

"Robin, he was wrong to leave and he is going to realize that - very soon."

Exhausted and raw, she rose to her feet and walked to the door, opening it. "Maybe, maybe not" she answered quietly. "I'm just tired of not being enough for people to want to stay."

Noah took her cue and joined her at the door. He winced at her words. She and his son were not that different in their feelings and general mistrust of other's intentions. He wished there was a way for him to make it all better, to undo what was done. Seeing the defeat in his eyes, he resolved to give his son a week to get over himself and if he hadn't seen sense by then, he would go to New York and help him see the light.

"Be good to yourself Robin" he told her as he kissed her cheek.

She nodded and closed the door behind him. Leaning up against it, she slid to the ground, cradled her head in her hands and wept. 


	66. Chapter 73

**Chapter 73**

This loss is numbing me  
It pierces my chest  
And I can't stop dropping everything

With shaking arms, Patrick raised himself from the bathroom floor. Rinsing a facecloth under the tap, he rung it out before wiping his face. He dropped the facecloth into the sink and slowly shuffled back to the bedroom. Crawling under the covers, he pulled them to his neck trying to ward off the chills that inevitably followed a bout of nausea.

It had been six days since he left Port Charles and four days since he started chemotherapy.

He was miserable.

He missed Robin. He still reached for her in the middle of the night and swore he could smell a faint hint of her rosemary mint shampoo. When he thought about the look on her face and the pain in her eyes as he headed out the door, it felt as though his heart stopped beating. Everything felt smaller without her - she had pushed his boundaries, his horizons and his comfort level and he never realized how much he liked it- how much he needed it - until it was gone. It seemed that everything retracted back to what it was before Robin was in his life.

It felt empty.

He had, in a short period of time, made a mess of almost everything in his life. In his efforts to try and spare Robin the pain of watching him die, he had not anticipated the pain it would cause him and whether he could deal with it. Eric had encouraged him to call her, to reach out to her and he nearly did. He had dialed her number several times but could not bring himself to complete the call. And then the side effects from the chemo began and he was once again resolute in his decision. Every day he felt more of himself slipping away and he was almost too weak to be afraid.

His cheeks burned hot with shame as he thought of his father and what he had done to him at Kelly's. He had never been a violent person and could count on one hand the number of fights he had been in, even as a child. That he attacked his own father shook his foundation; compounding his guilt was the realization that his father was right. There was no way, with what he knew about his mother's condition, that she hadn't suffered as he was. The stripping of the veneer that was his memories of her awakened a pain inside of him that he had not even realized existed. It was as though he was mourning her loss all over again.

Absently, he fingered the black leather strap of his watch which now hung loosely from his wrist. Pulling it from his arm, he turned it over at stared at the engraving.

_Time heals what reason cannot  
Love, Robin_

Love, Robin. He traced his fingers along those words over and over again, they were as close as he could let himself be to her right now. He smirked mirthlessly at the rest of the inscription. Time could perhaps heal what reason couldn't but at the moment time was his enemy. There was not enough of it and the more it marched on, the closer he came to the end. Surgery, which Eric assured him was but a few weeks away, would mark the end of his life as he knew it. Even if he managed to survive there were so many risks associated with it that the possibility of him coming through unchanged were slim to none. He hadn't always liked who he was but in the last year he had come to be very proud of the ways he had changed and risen to challenges. It made him sad that he would be giving all that up no matter what the future held.

His stomach pitched and rolled and he groaned, wrapped his arms across his stomach trying to stem the painful spasms that continued to rock his body. His decline was proceeding at a rapid pace - his seizures were daily if not more frequent than that, the tremor in his hand had returned with a vengence and there was no relief to be found. If this was a test of his strength, a test of his will, he was failing. He would give almost anything for it to stop.

The light rap at his door pulled him from his dark thoughts.

"Pantsy, you awake?" Eric called softly to him. The door opened a crack and the light seeped in.

"Yeah" he replied hoarsely.

Entering the room, he set down a large glass on the nightstand before turning on the small lamp. His friend was so pale and weak his skin looked translucent in the soft glow of the light. The circles under his eyes were both deep and dark providing evidence of just how sick he was. Eric had spent the better part of two days consulting with colleagues about Patrick's surgery. There were so many factors working against them, he wanted to be sure he had thought of every possibility before he had to cut into him.

"I made you a protein shake. You need to try and get that into you."

Patrick eyed the frothy drink with derision. He had no appetite and the thought of eating was almost enough to send him sprinting to the bathroom.

"How long did you have chemo for?" he asked, ignoring the drink.

Eric gave him a small, sympathetic smile. "10 months, 2 weeks and four days."

Patrick exhaled heavily. "How did you do it?"

"With a little help from my friend" he smiled. "Patrick, it's hell - there's no way around it but I'm hopeful it's going to pay off when we get into the OR."

"It better" he muttered unhappily.

"Did you call Robin today?"

He shot his friend a withering look. "You ask me every day and the answer is the same every day - just drop it, would you?"

Eric shook his head. "I'm going to keep asking you in the hopes that one day I don't get the same answer. She would be here in a flash if you asked."

"Look at me Smitty" he rasped, "just fucking look at me. I cannot ask her to do that." His eyes welled with tears and he slammed them shut trying to will them away.

Eric bit down on his lip. His friend was being ripped apart by pain - physical and emotional and he felt impotent in his inability to fix either for him. "Try some of the shake Pantsy. I don't want you to have to need a feeding tube but I can't have you going into surgery malnourished."

Reluctantly, Patrick reached for the glass and brought it to his lips. The cold, thick liquid was a shock to the burns in his mouth and he grimaced as he swallowed it down. He drank almost half before setting it back down on the nightstand. Much to his surprise, it seemed to settle his stomach and relieve some of the cramps.

"Why don't I call your dad?" Eric offered. "He can come and be with you for a bit."

"No" he whispered.

Leaning forward, Eric rested his elbows on his knees. "Patrick, listen to me. You cannot do this by yourself. It is unfair of you to exclude your dad and Robin from being with you. You need them and they need you and your honourable actions are hurting everyone - especially you. Let me call them."

He shook his head, unable to meet his friend's eyes. "I'm not by myself - I have you."

A small sigh of frustration escaped from his throat. "Yeah, you do. But I am not your father and I am not your girlfriend and you need them as much as you need me. You need to be able to hold them close to you so you can draw on their strength."

Exhausted, Patrick simply closed his eyes and turned his head away from his friend.

Defeated but resolved to try again tomorrow, Eric rose to his feet and padded quietly to the door.

"Smitty?"

He paused with his hand on the doorknob and turned around. "Yeah?"

"I want...I want to get a tattoo."

"Pardon?" he asked, furrowing his brow.

"Before surgery - I want...a tattoo."

"You want me to take you?"

"Yeah."

"Okay" he nodded. "I'm off tomorrow afternoon. We'll see how you're feeling and if you're strong enough, we'll head out."

Patrick smiled gratefully before rolling on to his side, away from the door. He held the watch in his hand, staring again at the inscription.

_Love Robin. _

Eric was right, he needed to hold her close to draw on her strength. 


	67. Chapter 74

**Chapter 74**

I have held the hand of a devil  
It was warm in the night  
I was cold as a stone

Exhausted, Patrick slumped onto the couch. Waiting for Eric to come home, he had showered and dressed and the exertion from those two activities had left him spent. His stamina was seeping away from him.

Reaching into the pocket of his jeans, he pulled out the colour picture he had downloaded. Once he had decided to get a tattoo there was but one choice for him. He couldn't have Robin physically with him but this would at least allow him to have something that represented her and all that she meant to him.

It had been a difficult night. His mind, sluggish and tired during the day, raced at night. He had been plagued by visions and nightmares since he started the chemo. Clinically he knew it to be a normal side effect of the drugs but emotionally it was draining him. Last night he had dreamed of his mother. She was singing to him as she used to do when he was a little boy and he felt comforted by it. But somewhere mid-song, the dream changed. His mother's face started to crumple and she melted before him, screaming in agony. Having been jolted awake by the terrifying image, he had shuffled to the bathroom and washed his face.

Unwilling to go back to sleep right away, he had surfed the internet for more than an hour, searching for the perfect symbol for his tattoo. Once he had found it, he was ready to return to bed. It had not taken long for him to fall back asleep. His dreams shifted to Robin. They were back in Scotland, dancing in the middle of the crowd amid swirling kilts and skirts. Her head was tossed back in joyous laughter as her body shimmied to the music. The crowd was moving quickly and she stepped out of reach from him. He had extended his hand to her, trying to take hold of her. As he moved towards her, his progress had been stopped by a pair of arms going around him. He had turned his head, thinking it was Robin but all he saw was darkness and the hands that at first had felt familiar, sent a chill through him. One of the hands had dug into his chest, burrowing towards his heart. Once it had reached its target it closed around it and squeezed as hard as it could. He had sat up, gasping for air and gripping his chest.

He had not slept since.

Hearing Eric's key in the lock, he folded up his design and shoved it back in his pocket.

"Hey" he called to him.

"How are you feeling?" Eric asked as he crossed the threshold. Though relieved to see his friend dressed and out of his bedroom, he was not pleased to see the intensity of his hand tremor increasing.  
Patrick shrugged. "Like I have a giant tumour in my brain" he joked weakly.

Closing the door behind him, Eric crossed the room and perched himself on the edge of the coffee table in front of his friend.

"Are you sure you want to do this today?"

"Yeah," he replied, "I am."

Cocking his head to the side, he studied his friend carefully. "Did you sleep at all?"

Patrick smiled mirthlessly. "Here and there but not much. I…I have nightmares."

"It's the chemo."

"I know" he nodded. "But knowing what is causing it doesn't seem to stop it from happening."

"I know" he replied softly.

There was so much about what Patrick was going through that reflected his own experiences six years ago. He had thought that he was well adjusted and philosophical about his battle with cancer but seeing what Patrick was going through now dredged up some terrible memories for him and on some level it felt as though he was reliving his own personal nightmare.

"Smitty, can I ask you something?"

"Shoot"

"How did you not give up?"

Eric covered his mouth with his hand and inhaled sharply. Though Patrick had been by his side through all of it, they had never really talked about it – not in detail anyways.

"Who says I didn't?"

Patrick's eyes widened in surprise. "But you…"

"Pantsy, there were moments when it hurt so bad, when I so fucking scared of having to have one more surgery or one more round of treatment that I would lie on my bed and ask God to end it. I prayed for death at one point."

His eyes filled with tears. "What happened?"

"Most of the time you happened. You would show up with an XBOX or a deck of cards or the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated" he smirked, "and silently remind me that there was lots I didn't want to miss out on. Or my sister would show up with her kids and they would hug and kiss me and it would make me feel alive – even if it was just for a few hours. And then I just got pissed. I got furious about being in pain, about having to endure another minute of all of it and decided I was going to come through the other side."

"I had no idea" he whispered.

Eric leaned forward and looked intently at his friend. "Patrick, there isn't anyone who battles a life threatening illness who doesn't want to quit at some point. That goes for you, me, your mom, your dad and probably even Robin."

Patrick's head jerked up in surprise and he stared silently at his friend. "There's a club, the 'Staring death in the face' club and you don't get to be a member until it happens to you. But once you're a member you get to have other people help you through it – you just have to let them."

His not so subtle encouragement to reach out to Robin and his father did not go unnoticed but he was too tired to respond.

"It feels….it feels like it's coming for me" he said softly.

"It is" Eric confirmed. "But I'm coming for it. And what I need you to do is to hold the line – stop giving up ground to it."

"I'll try"

"Okay," he nodded, knowing he could not push his friend much further. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah" he said with a small smile, "let's go get me some ink."

xxxxxx

Eric had a firm grip of Patrick's arm as they stepped off the elevator. The excursion to the tattoo parlour had been an exhausting one for him and he was having difficulty walking under his own steam.

He didn't know why but he found it easier to accept help from his best friend than he did from anyone else. The fears that drove him to leave Robin and his father behind somehow didn't apply to Eric and he was grateful for that. Despite all of his bravado about being an independent person and not needing anyone else, he knew without a shadow of a doubt that he could not do this alone.

As Eric pushed open the door, Patrick froze in place. Standing in the middle of the loft with hints of bruising still evident along his cheek and jaw was his father.  
Eric gave Noah a small smile as he helped Patrick into the apartment. Noah had called him yesterday wanting his advice on coming for a visit and Eric had strongly encouraged him to do so. He had left Noah's name and a spare key with doorman along with specific instructions that should Doctor Drake arrive while they were out, he was to be shown to the apartment.

Sensing a set up, Patrick shrugged off Eric's arm and shot him a contemptuous look before glaring at his father.

"What are you doing here?" he asked sharply.

"I came to see you" Noah said unapologetically.

Eric closed the door behind him and quietly headed up the stairs to his bedroom. While he didn't think it was going to be an easy visit he believed very strongly it was a necessary one and wanted to get out of the line of fire.

Patrick shuffled to the couch and flopped down. "I don't want you here." Ashamed and humiliated by what he had done to his father, he was having difficulty looking him in the eye.

"Tough"

"Go away" he sighed.

Crossing the floor, Noah sat down beside him on the couch. "Not a chance. You are my son and if you think I'm leaving you to face this by yourself then you are delusional."

"I don't want your help" he told him flatly, staring straight ahead.

"Well whether you want it or not, you need it and I'm giving it to you."

Slowly turning his head, Patrick glared at his father. "If your help includes further rewriting history or unburdening yourself with more truth telling, I'm not interested and I don't need it."

Noah sighed heavily before speaking. It had been no small matter for him to tell his son about what the end had been like for his wife and now having done so, he wondered why he had waited so long to do it. It was one thing to protect him while Mattie was alive but to allow it to continue so long after her death had been unfair – to Patrick, to him and most of all to the memory of his wife. Over the course of the last week he had wondered how differently Patrick would have taken the news had he told him before he was so critically ill.

"With all due respect, you don't have the first clue what you need."

"I need you to leave me alone!"

"Why? So you can give up and die?" he challenged quietly. "Let's be honest Patrick, you aren't trying to protect Robin from watching you suffer, you're trying to protect her from watching you quit. After all, who wants to be with a quitter?"

It was a harsh stance to take with his son and it was one that caused him no small amount of pain but he needed to shock his son into fighting for his own life. He saw him slipping away, slowly sinking into the abyss and he wanted him to fight. He needed him to fight.

"Fuck off" Patrick snarled. "You don't know the first thing about it."

"I don't? I've known you your entire life sport and you have never walked away from anything, why start now?"

Patrick smirked. "My entire life? Aren't you forgetting that little vacation you took? You know, where you quit because it got too hard?"

"You're a better man than I am son – or so you kept telling people. Do you really want the record to show that when the going got tough you were no better than me? Don't you think Robin deserves better?"

The second mention of her name filled his eyes with tears. "Shut up"

Feeling he had been as harsh as he could be, Noah opted for a different track. "She misses you and she is struggling without you."

Leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees, he cradled his head in his hands. The thought of Robin struggling was like a knife through his heart but he still believed he had made the right choice. "It's better that I'm not there."

"Better for whom?" he asked gently. "Not for Robin and certainly not for you."

"Stop it" he pleaded, not sure how much more he could take. He was on the verge of crumbling.

"No" Noah said softly. "You are my son and I love you." He carefully draped his arm around his shoulder. "I love you Patrick" he repeated. "Nothing you can do can change that."

Carefully he pulled his son towards him, placing his head on his shoulder. He dropped a small kiss on the top of his head. "I love you Patrick."

For a brief moment Patrick gave into his father's embrace and the comfort that it held. He wanted to believe that everything could be okay because he told him so.

But the moment passed and his head started to throb, his hand cramped and a wave of nausea washed over him. In an instant he was brought crashing back to his reality. Moving slowly, he pulled away from his father and stood up. Looking at him, he inhaled sharply.

"I am…I am so very sorry that I hit you" His voice shook as he spoke. "I was wrong to do so and hope that you can forgive me. I love you too Dad but please….please don't come back here."

Turning on his heel, he walked to his bedroom as quickly as he could, closing and locking the door behind him.

Alone in his room, with tremulous hands, he undid his shirt and carefully removed the bandage covering his tattoo. Standing in front of the mirror he stared at it and slowly traced his fingertips over it.

Just above his heart was the image of a claddagh. The crown gleamed with a brilliant gold colour, the hands a light silver and the heart was a deep red.

In the middle of the heart lay a single initial - R. 


	68. Chapter 75

**Chapter 75**

I believe there's an answer waiting when the day is done

Twisting the napkin nervously around her fingers, Robin kept her eyes trained on the door. The urge to bolt was growing stronger and it was taking all of her willpower not to give into it. She needed someone objective to speak to - someone not wrapped up in her life - someone to whom she could say things that she was too afraid to admit out loud and there was only one person, besides Patrick, who fit the bill.

It had been nine days since Patrick left. She knew if she tried hard enough she could probably figure out how many hours, minutes and seconds. It was as though the world seemed to stop moving when he walked out the door. Her heartbreak was rooted in much more than the end of a romantic relationship - in a small corner of her mind she didn't even believe the relationship was over - it had to do with Patrick laying down to die. She was devastated that when push came to shove, he couldn't - or wouldn't - fight. She wanted to shake him, to yell at him but mostly she just wanted to hold him close and let him know that he wasn't alone.

She knew Noah had gone to see him and he had offered to tell her about it but she had politely declined. She didn't want to hear the details for she knew everything she needed to know by his absence. If he had been able to get through to him, if Patrick were feeling better or stronger he would be home. With her.

The jangle of the bells on the door to Kelly's caught her attention and looking up, she gave a small wave.

"I wasn't sure you'd come" she told him as he slid into the seat across from her.

Pulling off his gloves and setting them on the table, Darren smiled. "I was surprised to get your call," he admitted. "How are you?"

She shrugged, dropping her napkin in her lap. Her fingers curled around the claddagh pendant around her neck. "I've been better."

Darren cast a critical look over her and was not happy with what he saw. She was thin - too thin and her face looked strained and tired. That he was not surprised at the toll her boyfriend's illness was taking on her was of little comfort. The HIV community in Port Charles was a small knit one and as someone who had lived with the disease for so long and had seen people come and go, sometimes at an alarming rate, he needed people to stay healthy. If others stayed healthy for long periods then there was always hope that he would as well. And after all that's all any of them were looking for - hope.

"How is Patrick?"

She traced her finger around the rim of her mug as she stared into it. "He's gone"

Darren's eyes widened in shock. "You mean he's..."

Sensing his meaning, she shook her head quickly. "No. He...he's moved back to New York because his condition got worse and he thinks he's protecting me"

He furrowed his brow slightly. "Oh." He smiled gratefully at the waitress who set down a steaming mug of coffee in front of him. Reaching for the milk, he filled the mug to the brim until the coffee was a milky brown. "How are you coping?"

"Not very well."

The strangled tone in her voice caught his attention and his head snapped up. Her brown eyes welled with tears as she sucked in a breath trying to stay in control. "Robin?"

"You have to promise not to freak out" she stammered. "I...I just need to tell somebody and everyone I know will freak."

"I promise I won't" he said slowly, a knot forming in his stomach.

"I've...I've missed doses." She swiped at the small stream of tears that ran down her cheeks.

Leaning back in his chair, coffee in hand, Darren blew out his cheeks. "How many?"

"Four - one about a month ago and three in the last week." She bit down on her lip as she waited for her heart to stop threatening to hammer its way from her chest. "I don't know what's wrong with me. In 11 years I have never missed a dose and in the last eight weeks I have missed four."

Setting his mug down on the table, he leaned forward and gave her a sympathetic look. "Well for starters, you need to give yourself a break. Everyone misses a dose every once in a while."

"I don't" she snapped. "I am a doctor and I don't forget to take my meds."

"Robin" he said gently. "You may be a doctor but you are also human and you have been stressed and worried and sad about your boyfriend for a while. Did you take your doses as soon as you remembered?" She nodded. "That's good. Have you had your viral load tested?"

"No."

"Why not?"

The tears continued to trickle from her eyes and she pressed a napkin to her eyes trying to stem the flow. "I'm afraid" she admitted softly.

"Of what?" he prodded.

"Of more bad news." Her voice was hoarse and trembling. "Which is dumb because who better than I knows that there is simply no avoiding bad news."

"It's not dumb. I can't sleep the night before any doctor's appointment - every time I go I'm sure this is the time that my protocol has failed or that my viral load has spiked. It's part of the package."

She shook her head, burying her face in her hands. "I don't know when this got to be so hard."

"I don't know that it's ever easy," he countered, evoking a small smile from Robin. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure"

Darren paused for a moment, trying to formulate his question. It was clear to him that she was teetering on the precipice and he didn't want to do anything to send her over the edge but at the same time, she currently bore little resemblance to the young woman he had met all those months ago. Even at her lowest while she was attending the group she did not seem as defeated as she did right now.

"Why did you let him leave?"

The corners of Robin's mouth twitched up into a small smile. It was a question she had asked herself a million times over the last nine days but she could not find the answer. "I don't know" she answered. "Maybe it's too hard to go after him. Maybe there's a part of me that is….afraid…..is afraid that he is right for leaving."

"And last fall, when you told him to leave you alone – you said you begged him to leave you alone – and he wouldn't. Why is this any different?"

"It shouldn't be" she admitted. "And there is a huge part of me that wants to go after him and tell him that he doesn't get to tell me that he loves me and then quit."

"So what's stopping you?" he prodded.

Letting out a small sigh, Robin dragged her hands through her hair and pulled it back into a ponytail at the base of her neck. The answer was suddenly clear to her, it was on the tip of her tongue but she worried that by saying it out loud, by giving it a voice she was going to give it power.

"Robin?"

Slumping in her chair she stared at him for several minutes. "I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to hold it all together, of trying to be positive when I don't feel it, of trying to not be worried or afraid only to wind up more so in the end. Darren, I'm tired."

"So what are you going to do about it?"

She smiled gratefully at him. She had people in her life who gave her permission to wallow, to stay down on the mat for a little while if she needed it and there was nothing wrong with that, but every once in a while a person needs someone who will kick them and tell them to get up.

Patrick needed that but before she could that for him, she needed someone to do it to her.

"I guess I'm going to make an appointment and get my viral load checked."

"Do you want me to go with you?" he offered.

"Maybe. Can I let you know?"

"Of course. And then what are you going to do?"

She exhaled quietly. "I'm going to get my strength back."

"Good." Glancing down at his watch, he gulped down the last of his coffee and pushed the mug to the side. "I have to get to work but I want you to promise to call me if you need anything, even it's just a little handholding before or after your appointment."

She nodded. "Thank you Darren – I mean it. I know I wasn't very nice to  
you the last couple of times-"

"No worries," he grinned. "Buy me a chocolate chip cookie next time and we'll call it even." Standing up, he pulled his coat from the back of his chair and shrugged it on. He retrieved his gloves from the table and shoved them in his pockets. "I'll talk to you soon"

Robin let out a long slow breath as he left the diner. The truth was liberating and the fog that had been enveloping her head for days seemed to suddenly lift. Her heart was still battered and bruised and she ached with how much she missed Patrick but it was time to get off the mat.

Flipping open her phone, she made an appointment with the doctor for later that afternoon. If she was going to be there for Patrick and be the support that he needed then she needed to take back control of her life.

They had a long road ahead of them and she was going to ensure she had both the stamina and wherewithal to do it. Patrick needed her and she was going to be there for him whether he wanted her to or not. He wouldn't give up on her and it was time to repay the favour.

Her fingers found her pendant once again and she traced the outline of  
the heart.

"I'm coming Patrick," she whispered under her breath. "I'm not quitting and I'm not going to let you do it either. I'm coming." 


	69. Chapter 76

**Chapter 76**

With a broken heart that's still beating

His fingers were threading lazily through her hair but he did not seem to hear her when she spoke. Raising her head from his chest, Alexis noticed he was staring off into space.

"Hey," she called to him softly, sweeping her hand across his bare chest. "Where are you?"

Pulled from his thoughts by her touch, he turned to look at her and smiled apologetically. "I'm here." He pressed his lips against her forehead.

"You know," she began, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth, "after what we just did you should be feeling boneless and relaxed but you're all twitchy and tense. What's going on?"

Prior to meeting Alexis he had convinced himself that relationships were not in the cards for him and that he would be better served focusing on his career. But in the month they had been together he had come to realize how much he missed having a connection with another person. There were logistical pitfalls in trying to see each other – he would take short overnight trips to Port Charles or she would come to New York. Their time together was never long enough but he tried not to be greedy and concentrated instead on the goodness that she was bringing to him.

Letting out a long, slow breath he tugged her closer to him. His fingers moved lightly against her back.

"The Ethics Committee is issuing its recommendation tomorrow about me performing Patrick's surgery. It's non-binding, so I don't have to follow it but I just…I don't know."

"Do you think they're going to tell you not to do it?"

He inhaled sharply as he looked over to the side. "Part of me wishes they would."

Alexis looked at him in surprise. One of the things that attracted her to him was his quiet confidence. He never made a show of himself or stomped around but he was unquestionably sure of who he was. She had not imagined that there was much room for doubt in him.

"Eric, if you don't want to do this surgery then you shouldn't," she told him carefully.

"It's not about wanting to do it. It's about the stakes. I've done high stakes surgery before where people's lives hang in the balance but I've never had to personally take that risk. I just…." His voice trailed off as he sucked in a breath. "He's my best friend and it's killing me that he has to go through this. He's getting weaker and today was a bad day."  
"What can I do to make it better?" she asked.

Eric smiled and nipped at her lips. He was falling hard for her and he knew it. "Come back on the weekend," he suggested. "And bring the girls. I know someone in the Beauty and the Beast show and they could get us tickets. We could take the girls to Carmine's and go skating in Central Park…" He paused as he felt Alexis start to pull away from him.

"Uh…well…" she stammered, "I'm…I don't…..I don't think it's a good idea."

"Okay" he replied slowly, "we could do it another weekend."

"It's not the weekend Eric, I'm just…I'm not sure about you spending time with Molly and Kristina."

Pushing the pillows against the headboard, he sat up and stared at her. "What do you mean? The four of us had lunch together last week."

"That's different" she said, "it…I mean this is a big outing and I don't want to confuse them."

"Confuse them how?"

"Well I mean I'd have to explain to them what you are and-"

"And what am I?" he interrupted.

Alexis' insecurities, which always bubbled just beneath the surface, were in full boil. After the betrayal by her husband and her battle with cancer, she had little trust to give to anyone.

"Well…." She stammered nervously, her lips dry. "You're my friend."

His blue eyes widened in shock and his mouth dropped open. "Your…your friend? Are you sleeping with a lot of your friends?"

Her eyes narrowed at the implication. "That's not what I mean and you know it."

"Do I?" he challenged. "How would I? We are together at least twice a week and I thought we had an emotional intimacy that went with the physical but I guess I'm wrong."

"I am not wrong from wanting to protect my daughters – it's been a difficult year for them and I don't want it made more complicated."

Trying to keep his temper in check, he exhaled as he rubbed his hand over his face. "Alexis, I am not trying to assume a role in their lives. I just…I guess I want to be let in a little more. Then again maybe my basic premise is wrong. I'm assuming we're in a relationship and maybe you're just looking for a boy on the side."

It was impossible for him to keep the hurt from his voice. Much like Patrick, he was more sensitive than he ever let on.

Alexis sighed heavily. "You are not a boy on the side." Reaching out she pressed her hand to his cheek. "This is just…it's new and I'm clumsy and I'm not good with definitions." Leaning forward, she brushed her lips against his. "Look, I'll talk to Sonny and Ric about bringing the girls up here sometime, okay?"

Pushing back the covers, she swung her feet to the floor and reached for her dress.

"Wh-where are you going?" he asked.

Wrapping the ties around her waist, she smiled gamely. "I…my breakfast meeting is really early tomorrow and it's at the hotel. It's probably best if I head there tonight and then I don't have to fight uptown traffic in the morning."

A look of disbelief crossed his face. "You're leaving? But you always stay – we always wake up together" He hated the needy sound in his voice.

Having slipped on her shoes, she kneeled back on the bed and kissed him quickly. "I have a big day tomorrow. I'll call you later, okay?"

She was out his bedroom door and down the stairs before he even had a chance to react. Reaching for a pillow, he brought it to his face and covering his mouth screamed his frustration into it.

Patrick heard the apartment door slam shut and looked at the clock on his nightstand. It was 2:33 a.m. He sighed. It could not be a good sign if Alexis was leaving in the middle of the night.

Despite feeling suffocated by his illness most of the time, he was still pleased that his friend was taking a chance with his heart again. Eric had always been better suited to relationships than he had and while he had been content, until Robin, to date and enjoy the company of many women; his friend always seemed to be missing something.

Raising his hand, he gently touched the feeding tube in his nose. The chemo had weakened him so much, made him so nauseous that a feeding tube was the only option. Though he hated the idea of it, he knew Eric was right when he told him it was time. His chances of surviving surgery would increase significantly if he was able to put on some of the weight he had lost and boost his immunity.  
Eric had wanted to cancel his date with Alexis so he could spend time with him and help him adjust to the tube but Patrick had insisted he keep it. He wanted at least someone to be happy through this.

In his haste to leave Port Charles, he had left many things behind but somehow had thought to grab a photo of him and Robin from their tree trimming party. She was sitting on his lap and laughing at the string of popcorn she had wrapped around his neck like a boa and the tinsel hanging from his hair. Her smile was bright, her eyes were dancing and she looked blissful.

He traced his finger over the picture and swallowed down the bitter lump in his throat. He missed her. He missed them – their relationship, their coupledom. He ached for the feel of body against his in the middle of the night, for the reassurance her kisses provided him.

He smiled sadly at the photo before tucking it back under his pillow. His surgery was scheduled for the day his chemo treatment ended – just a little over two weeks away. If he survived, if he was undamaged he would go get her. He would smother her with kisses and love her through the night and long into the next morning.

It was unlikely he would ever get to do that though as the chances of him coming out the other side unscathed were slim. And if he couldn't be a whole man to her then he wouldn't be with her.

Sitting on the bathroom floor with her knees pulled to her chest, Robin stared in wonder at the piece of paper in her hands.

Her viral load had come back slightly elevated but Alan had been a reassuring and calming force – as he had always been with her. He increased the dosage of her protocol but did not change any of the meds and while he warned her she would be feeling less than stellar for a few days as her body absorbed the higher quantity of anti-retrovirals, he fully expected her viral load to return to its normal low levels in short order.

It had not taken long for the effects of the meds to make itself known and so she had decided to camp out in her bathroom until she was sure she could go more than half an hour without vomiting. Instead of being panicked as she thought she would feel, she was feeling tranquil, as though this was a hurdle she needed to clear to get to where she was going. – where she needed to be.

The hamper in the bathroom had been close to overflowing and in an effort to keep herself busy had emptied it on to the floor and started to sort it. A pair of Patrick's jeans was mixed in with her clothes and she had reached for them, running her hands over them. He had left so quickly that many of his things were still in the apartment. She had found that to be a comfort in many ways.

Smiling, she had started to empty the pockets telling herself the jeans were just one more reason she had to go get him. A folded piece of paper had fluttered towards the ground. Grabbing it in mid-air and thinking it was a bill, she had nearly tossed it in the wastebasket. But a voice in her head had told her to unfold it and when she did she felt all the air rush from her chest.

There, in his almost illegible scribble was a list.

_Memories to make with Robin_

Hogamany in Scotland

See Paris through her eyes

Meet Brenda

Show her my city

Rangers/Devils Game

Spend time in the Hamptons and let her see all the embarrassing childhood photos

One perfect night at the Cabin

One perfect week on a beach in Greece

It was like a veil had been lifted from her eyes and she understood that he felt as though he was being chased, that he was running out of time. They were feelings she knew well.

Reaching for a pen, she wrote on the page, adding to the title:

_Memories to make with Robin AND Patrick_

They were going to do everything on that list – together.


	70. Chapter 77

**Chapter 77**

Me and my shadow are wrestling again

As the soft ruffle of Patrick's breath echoed through the room, Noah leaned back in the chair and simply stared at his son. It was hard for him to determine which was the greater shock – how thin he was or seeing the feeding tube. Both threatened to squeeze the air from his chest.

He had called Eric and asked if he could visit. He was well aware of his son's wish for him to stay away but he had stayed away for far too long already. He had missed a decade of his life as he floundered under the weight of his own grief; he would not do so again.

Eric had warned him about the feeding tube and Patrick's appearance and while he had assumed he was ready for it, the sight – actually seeing his son – so weak and small shook him to his core.

The blankets had pooled around his waist as he slept and Noah was fascinated by the two things he saw. The first was a small silver medallion. He had gently leaned in for a closer look and saw the image of Michael the Archangel. Then he saw the tattoo, smiling to himself as he saw the letter R carefully inlaid in the heart of the claddagh. Both the medallion and the tattoo comforted him. They were the confirmation he was looking for, the reassurance that his had not completely given up.

Over the years having seen desperation in his patients and having experienced it in his own life, he had come to understand that the person who truly believes there is nothing left to fight for gives it all up. They don't hang on to symbols or talismans or anything from which they can draw hope. If they have truly quit then they divest themselves of everything, let go of anything that can bond them to another person or another place.

He had feared that Patrick was there, that his son had laid down ready to die. He knew now there was still some fight in him.

Patrick's muscles twitched and trembled even as he slept; his left hand balled up under the pain of a cramp. Noah reached for his son's hand and began to gently massage the cramp away.

"It's okay son," he whispered, "it's going to be okay."

Having released the tension from his hand, he tucked his arm back under the blankets and carefully pulled them up higher to his chest. Patrick's eyes fluttered and threatened to open but in the end he did not wake. Retaking his seat at his bedside, he ran his hand over his face and let out a long, slow breath.

He tried to imagine what Patrick was dreaming of. Though his son had spent so much of the last year reminding him of all the ways he had failed, Noah couldn't help but wonder if he ever thought of the years before that. Of all the time they spent together as a family. Did Patrick draw strength from those memories as he did? Did he look back on his childhood with happiness or was it all tainted?

Hearing a small groan emanating from the bed, he rose quickly to his feet. Struggling to wake, Patrick's head flopped from side to side and his breath came in shallow spurts. Noah rubbed his palm over Patrick's heart to soothe him.

"You're okay Patty" he called to him. "You're okay. Just open your eyes."

He fought to open his eyes and finally did, gasping for air.

Sliding his hands underneath his arms Noah pulled his son to a sitting position, rearranging the pillows behind him. He pushed his hair from his forehead. "You're okay," he reassured him.

"D-dad?" he croaked, blinking rapidly.

Noah smiled and reached for the glass of water on the nightstand. Turning the straw towards him, he placed it against Patrick's lips. "Slow sips Patty, just nice and easy."

His eyes remained locked on his father as he sucked on the straw. His immediate feelings of relief at seeing him were being quickly replaced with ones of embarrassment. He knew what he looked like, how helpless he was and he was uncomfortable at his father seeing him like this.

Seeing him let go of the straw, Noah set the glass down.

"What are you doing here?" Patrick asked as he shifted on the bed.

Noah took the cue and moved back to the chair. "I came to see you."

He dropped his gaze to his lap. "I asked you not to."

"Yeah well, the advantage of being my age is that I don't always have to listen to people," he replied with a small grin. "I see you got some ink."

Patrick glanced down at his tattoo and reached for his t-shirt balled up on the other side of the bed. He tugged it over his head and pushed the blankets to his hips. He hadn't really intended for anyone to see it and felt a little exposed.

"Yeah and I have a feeding tube too. Do you have a point?" he snipped, his temper flaring.

"That must be hard."

Patrick sighed heavily. "If you're looking for a long emotional conversation where we hold hands and sing kumbya at the end, I'm afraid you're in for a big disappointment."

"Nice to see your snark is unhampered by your tumour."

On the short flight from Port Charles, Noah had decided that he was no longer going to walk carefully along the margins. His son was drowning and he wasn't going to waste time worrying about whether he wanted a life preserver, he was just going to make him grab on to one any way he could. He was aware of how he was exposing himself to his son's wrath but it was a risk he needed to take.

Patrick rolled his eyes. "Is there something you want?" he asked in exasperation.

He nodded. "I think your place needs some decorations."

Furrowing his brow, Patrick tossed his father a confused look. "What?"

"Well far be it from me to comment on your roommate's interior decorating skills but I noticed the last time I was here there were a few things missing."

"Are you drunk?"

Noah flinched for a moment. He had spent years earning that distrust and would spend the rest of his life trying to atone for it – that did little to lessen the blow.

"Not drunk" he replied gamely. Rising from his chair, he walked towards the bedroom door, picking up a large bag and carrying it back.

"What the hell is that?"

"Reminders" Noah stated clearly.

"Reminders?"

"That you matter and have for a very long time." Reaching into the back, Noah pulled out an 8 by 10 frame and handed it to him.

Turning it over, Patrick gave a small gasp. It was a picture of his mother standing in front of a hockey net in their driveway in the Hamptons. She was crouched down ready to defend a shot from her son. A seven year old Patrick was in front of the net, his stick raised ready to hit the tennis ball. His face was the picture of concentration, with his tongue hanging out to the side.

"I remember this" Patrick said softly. "I told her I was going to be the next Guy Lafleur."  
"And then you found out Lafleur wasn't a Ranger and you kicked the garage door," Noah reminded him with a small chuckle. "I think your small footprint is still embedded in the door."

In spite of himself, Patrick let out a small laugh. "I had a bit of a temper."

"Had?" Noah queried good naturedly.

Patrick was quiet for several minutes as he stared at the picture. "Was….was her temper bad at the end?" he asked tentatively when he finally spoke.

Noah felt his eyes prick with tears both in recognition of the step his son was taking and at the memories, both good and bad, of the woman he loved beyond all reason.

"It was like yours" he offered. "Out of nowhere she would snap. There was no telling what would set her off. And she felt truly awful afterwards, realizing what she had done or said. Her biggest fear was that she would snap at you."

"I don't think she did" he replied quietly. "If she did, I don't remember it."

"Son, what you are feeling right now, wanting to protect Robin from this, wanting to be by yourself because you're embarrassed or upset by what's happening and your dependence on others is very much like what your mom went through. She could feel herself slipping away, she knew she was confused at times, she hated anyone to see her have a seizure but especially you."

"It….it…" he stammered. Reaching for the glass of water, he took another slow sip. He raised his eyes to meet his father's. "It must have been very hard for you trying to take care of her and protect me. Who looked after you?"

Noah smiled wistfully. "I didn't think I needed looking after" he admitted. There was something both liberating and terrifying about being honest. "And we all saw how well that worked out in the end."

Both men fell silent under the weight of the revelations. Noah fidgeted in his seat, taking a small steadying breath before speaking.

"I have something else for you" he told him, pulling a long poster board from the bag and handing it to him.

Patrick looked from the board to his father and back again. "Did you make this?"

"Yes but don't tell anyone I used a scalpel to cut the photos, I couldn't find scissors that were sharp enough."

Patrick stared in disbelief at the photo montage before him. In the centre of the board was a photo of him and Robin dancing at the Valentine's ball and around it were snapshots from his life. There was a picture of Noah holding his newborn son; of them playing catch on a grey fall day and Patrick wearing a glove too big for his small hand; there was another photo of him and his mother seated in a toboggan in the dead of winter ready to slide down a hill.

What his father lacked in creativity, he had more than made up for in sentimentality. There were nearly 30 photos on the board and each one of the marked a milestone or a moment in time that was so special to him.

"Wow" he remarked quietly.

"Patrick, you have a lot to live and fight for. And while you may be feeling very alone in this, the truth of the matter is you were and are loved."

Patrick's brown eyes welled with tears as he stared at the pictures. As an adult he had always concentrated on the moment he was in, trying not to spend too much time worrying about the future or reflecting on the past but seeing it laid out before him; seeing that his father had taken his time to assemble it affected him deeply.

"Call Robin" he encouraged, seizing the moment.

He shook his head as he looked at the photos. "Can't" he replied hoarsely.

"Yes you can," Noah pushed. "You can and what's worse is that you want to."

Like a switch being flipped, his temper flared again. "Of course I fucking want to!" he said harshly. "I want to call her, I want her in my bed, in my arms but look at me. LOOK.AT.ME I will NOT be another person to die on her."

"So don't die" his father suggested quietly.

Patrick pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes and took one serrated breath after another. "Stop it! Just stop it," he pleaded.

Recognizing his son's exhaustion, he backed off. "Okay," He rose to his feet and walked to his bedside. "You should try and sleep some more" he suggested. "I'm in town until tomorrow and I'm staying at the Waldorf. Call me – day or night and I'll be here."

Patrick nodded, almost too overwrought to speak.

Noah leaned in and kissed his son on the forehead. "I love you Patty" he told him. Quickly turning on his heel so Patrick would not see the tears forming in his eyes, Noah walked to the door.

"Dad?" he called to him, his voice weak and tired.

Pausing with his hand on the doorknob, Noah looked over his shoulder. "Yeah?"

"Th…thank you." 


	71. Chapter 78

**Chapter 78**

Show me the meaning of mercy

Robin smiled as her uncle placed a glass of red wine in front of her before taking his seat. Reaching for the glass, she took a small sip and beamed. "You bought me the good stuff?" she asked teasingly.

Mac, nursing his beer, shrugged. "It's the least I could do for you after agreeing to be my date to this shin dig."

Robin gave him a doubtful look. "You know, I'm still not convinced that you needed me to escort you because you hate going alone as much as you wanted me out and about to make sure I'm okay."

"Meh. A little from column a and a little from column b" he replied. "Is that so wrong?"

"Not at all," she answered softly.

Cradling her wine glass in her hand, she looked around the dining room of the Metrocourt Hotel and marvelled at all the people milling about. It was the annual fundraising dinner for the paediatrics ward of General Hospital and the mayor, a key note speaker, was unable to attend at the last moment. He had asked Mac to fill in for him and Mac, claiming nervousness, had asked his niece to accompany him.

"And are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm much better" she admitted.

Darren had been the only person she had told about missing her medication and he had been a great support to her as she adjusted to the increased dosage. Almost through the worst of it and her viral load starting to settle, she had finally told her uncle about the small spike in her viral load.

Though she had not intended to tell him at all, it was Mac who had gently pushed her into revealing the truth. He had long suspected something, beyond the impact of Patrick's leaving, was off with her and kindly prodded her until she told him about the change in viral load and the adjustment of her medication.

She realized she had been fooling herself to think she could keep it from him and in the end knew she didn't want to. Robin had been afraid that he would remind her that he had warned of the effect this could take on her, that he would quietly tell her he told her so but he had done neither. He had hugged her tightly, told her how sorry he was and then asked what he could do to help. He had done exactly what he had always done – he had been himself. Mac had been with her from the very beginning and would be by her side no matter what.

"Really?" he inquired carefully.

She placed a reassuring hand on his arm. "Really. I just have another couple of days to get through and one more viral load check. Then I'm going to get him" she said confidently.

A feeling of pride rushed through him as he gazed lovingly at the confident young woman beside him. She had been knocked down more than a few times in her life but had always been clear on what was important, on what mattered to her. And once she made up her mind to do something there was just no changing it.

Leaning in, he kissed her cheek. "If I haven't told you lately, I love you and I'm proud of you."

Robin's cheeks flushed crimson under the compliment. "I love you too Uncle Mac."

Their table was a hive of activity as many of the well heeled members of Port Charles society stopped by to speak to Mac, some times offering their opinions on how a case should be handled. He slapped on a smile and took it all in good stead.

In need of fresh air, Robin pushed back her chair and plucked her purse from the table. Heading towards one of the balconies, she paused as she passed the bar. She could recognize the posture and stance anywhere, it was definitely a genetic trait passed down from father to son. She considered walking by but there was something about the slope of his shoulders, even from behind, that told her something was not right.

Threading her way through the crowd of people until she was beside him, she touched his arm. "Noah?"

His arms were braced on the bar as he stared into a glass set before him. Hearing Robin call to him, he looked up from the glass.

"It's club soda" he told her.

Robin gave him a small smile. "You saw Patrick again, didn't you?"

Inhaling sharply, he nodded his head as he looked back down at the bubbly liquid before him. His visit with his son had left him feeling raw and exposed and he had been unprepared for the feelings of anger that had started to course through him. The hospital administration had insisted that all senior staff attend the event and while normally he had little problem with glad handing and speaking with some of the hospital's biggest donors, he found himself gritting his teeth and swallowing down his fury as he listened to one inane conversation after another. He wanted to scream at the people that his son was sick, that his son could very well die and he had better things to do than listen to them complain about their achy knees and bum shoulders.

He felt as though he has spent so much of his energy trying to give Patrick the optimism and hope that he needed that he had little left for himself. And he was angry – pissed off – that his son was sick. He had already paid his dues for his arrogance and the golden life he had lived and was now angrily overwhelmed by the unfairness of it happening again.

"Yeah" he replied shortly.

"I was going to get some air, why don't you come with me?"

Noah sighed heavily and gave a slight nod. Robin hooked her arm through his and led him through the crowd out to the balcony.

Shrugging off his suit jacket, he slid it over her shoulders. "You're going to freeze" he explained.

She pulled the jacket tightly around her. "How is he?" she asked, bracing herself for the answer.

Noah just shook his head. "Not good" he whispered. "He's going downhill quickly"

He considered telling her about the feeding tube but he could not bring himself to do so. It had been difficult to see, he was not sure he could speak it out loud.

Robin's eyes welled with tears as her heart processed the information more quickly than her head did. "Is he…does he…"

Noah smiled kindly. "He still loves you Robin."

There was a small feeling of relief that washed over her as she heard his words. She had not doubted it in her heart but there was reassurance to be found in hearing someone else confirm it.

"I'm going to be by his side. I don't want you to think I've abandoned him" she told him earnestly. "I just…I just need to take care of something first before I do."

Noah's face softened as he looked at the young woman before him. Not for the first time did he give thanks that his son had found such an amazing person. "You've been sick, haven't you?" he asked quietly.

Robin smiled regretfully. "Yes," she admitted. "Nothing too serious and it's almost under control but I can't go to him until I'm stable."

Reaching for her, he pulled her into a tight embrace. "Oh Robin, I am so sorry."

"I'm okay Noah" she said as she pulled out of the hug. "I'm okay and Patrick is going to be okay too."

He blew out his cheeks and leaned back against the railing. "I'm furious" he admitted. "I'm so fucking mad"

"Me too" Robin told him. "This is not fair and I have moments where I feel like I want to kick something."

Noah smirked. "I'd like to blow something up."

"You men are always so much more violent" she teased lightly.

"Thank you for not giving up on him" he told her seriously. "Not everyone would fight for him."

"Then they've never been in love – not like this anyways." she answered.

"How is it that you so confident?"

"Because I've been to hell and I know the way out."

"I don't know what kind of doctor you are" Patrick teased, "letting your patient drink beer."

Eric rolled his eyes as he flopped onto the couch. "First of all, you said you wanted one and I'm your friend, not your nanny," he teased back. "Second of all, I figure you're good for about 10 sips."

Patrick smiled weakly as he brought the beer bottle to his lips. His appetite had disappeared weeks ago and the liquid diet he was on sustained him but that was about it. Out of nowhere he had had a sudden craving for a beer and when he told Eric about it, his friend had simply shrugged and returned from the kitchen with two bottles, handing one to him.

"You never said what the Ethics Committee decided"

"Just the usual bureaucratic bull crap," he replied.

"Uh-huh" Patrick looked at his friend expectantly. "Wanna try that one again?"

Eric pulled distractedly at the label on the bottle. "They said I could perform the surgery provided I let go of all my other cases until you are removed from my service."

His eyes widened in surprise. "They took away all your cases?"

He shook his head. "It was a non-binding resolution but the head of the department agreed with it so here we are."

"Smitty – I….I mean…."

"Don't worry about it, okay?" He looked at his friend and smiled wryly. "I'm always bitching about having too much work so you solved my problem."

"I had no idea that-"

Eric raised his hand. "Don't get all soft on me now Pantsy." He took a long drink from his beer before setting it down on the coffee table. "I've booked your surgery."

Patrick let out a long, slow breath. He was still nervous about the surgery and what may happen but there was some relief in having a date. At least now he knew there would be an end point to all of this – to the pain, the misery and the fear.

"When?" he asked.

"Next Thursday – 10 days from now." 


	72. Chapter 79

**Chapter 79**

And I still see your reflection, inside of my eyes

"I was surprised to hear from you," Alexis said, as she settled into the couch across from Patrick.

His breathing shortened by exertion, he took several breaths before replying. "I need a will," he explained. "And I needed someone who knows who is important to me."

She nodded, uncapping her pen. "Are you nervous about the surgery?"

"Yeah," he admitted. "But I'm ready - or as ready as I'm going to be. I know...I know I don't want to go on like this."

Alexis smiled kindly at him, understanding exactly what he meant. There was a time during the course of an illness, any illness, where it has gone on for so long that a person would do almost anything to make it stop. It was both a breaking point and one of acceptance.

"Have you done a will previous to this?" she asked.

"No" he smiled weakly. "Thought...thought I was invincible."

"Okay. Before we begin, I need you to assure me that you are doing this of your own free will and that you have not been pressured by anyone."

"Well Eric's the only person I'm really talking to these days and he's got more money than I do," he joked. He noticed the way her cheeks reddened at the mention of his friend's name. "He likes you...a lot."

"That wasn't even close to subtle Patrick," she admonished him teasingly.

He shrugged. "I don't have time for subtle, I could be dead in five days. He's a good guy Alexis and he likes you."

Ignoring his last statement, she pressed on. "Now that we've determined that you are of sound mind and entering into this document freely, how would you like to begin?"

Leaning forward, he opened the folder perched on the corner of the coffee table. Retreiving two envelopes he handed them to her. "One is for my dad and the other is for Robin." He whispered her name. "I'm scheduled for surgery on Thursday and I would like you to give these to them once my surgery has begun."

Nodding, Alexis took the letters and placed them in her briefcase. "Anything else?"

"I have a few assets that I'd like distrbuted. I received a significant trust fund on my 25th birthday. I would like 500,000 of it to go to my dad and for him to start an assistance program for those without insurance. It's not a lot but it's seed money. I've had a lot of time to think over the last few weeks and I think we have a responsibility to remove as many barriers for people as possible. I also have a car in storage - a 1969 mustang. I'd like my dad to have that as well - he needs to feel the wind in his hair a little."

Alexis smiled. She remembered back to when he started at General Hospital and word of the new doctor spread around the corridors like wildfire. People remarked on his arrogance, cockiness and boldness. More than a few women - patients and staff - swooned at a flash of his dimple and it would have been easy to dismiss him as being vapid and shallow. But over time, as she had come to know him, she had been surprised and impressed with both his sensitivity and his compassion. She also admired the way he was with Robin. The young doctor was an important part of her extended family and she had seen how Robin had been knocked about. And where most would have assumed he would either not be interested in her or would limit her to a one night stand, he had fallen for her. It had warmed her heart to see Robin so happy and she hoped that this separation would be temporary and that he would find his way back to her shortly. Both Robin and Patrick were better with each other than without.

"I...there's..." Patrick stammered as he tried to say out loud what he had written down on the paper before him. His hand shook as he held the paper and the words swam before his eyes. "I would like 750,000 to go to Robin" he finally said, not looking up. "There's...there's a house on Hunter street that Robin loves. It's on the corner and has a big backyard. She always makes us walk by it when we are walking home from work. I want her to buy it. It's worth about 250,000 and if she made a fair offer the owners would sell - they told me so."

Alexis looked at him in surprise. "You called them?"

"I had to be sure they would be interested. She...she loves this house Alexis. It has a wrap around porch and she talks about having a porch swing and sitting out under the stars. I want her to have that."

"I'm sure she'd love it."

"And I want her to take some of the money and plan a holiday - somewhere amazing."

Looking at him over the tops of her glasses, Alexis opened and closed her mouth several times. Aware of the dangerous ground she was treading - walking the line between being a lawyer and a friend, she didn't want to do anything to agitate him. However, at the same time, she felt an overwhelming urge to shake him.

"Okay, look - this is none of my business but that's never really stopped from offering my opinion before," she began. "What you want Robin to do with your money should you die is lovely. But you know what make it more lovely? What would really make an impression? Call her. Call her and tell her that you love her. Don't let those words stay unsaid as you go into surgery. Talk to her Patrick."

Patrick sighed heavily. He was tired of having the same arguement with people over and over again and wished they would just understand that he was doing what was best. Calling Robin, talking to her would be painful. It would only reinforce that he was not the man she hoped him to be and it would compound the heartache.

"It's better if I don't" He fidgeted with the corner of the paper as he spoke.

"Oh bullshit," Alexis replied. Patrick's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Better for whom? Not for Robin who loves you completely - sick or healthy and certainly not for you. Just call her. Whatever it is you think you are protecting her from, you aren't. She is sad and lonely without you and she misses you. However difficult your health is, she can take it because she loves you."

"Had that on your mind for a while?" he joked weakly.

She gave him a small smile. "Maybe. Okay, I'm doing lecturing. Anything else?"

"I've also set aside enough money for season tickets to the Rangers - in a luxury suite. That's for Eric. He has spent enough time on the sidelines and I want him to use the tickets to get back in the game." He arched his eyebrow. "Unless of course he's out of the game because of you."

"Relentless" she muttered, making a note.

They spoke for almost another 45 minutes as he laid out the plans for his funeral and burial. He was surprisingly unemotional about it but was very clear on what he wanted. Having finished up,she put away her notebook and taperecorder.

"I'll get these typed up tonight and courrier them to you for your signature tomorrow."

"I really appreciate it" he said, his voice growing weak from fatigue.

"Good. I'm viewing you as a cash cow" she teased. "You're going to need that will revised several times over the coming years - it'll be decades before it's read."

"I like your optimism," he told her appreciatively.

Both looked up in surprise as the door flew open and Eric walked through. "Pantsy, you would not believe the storm out there everything is cancelled. I had to walk three-" The words died on his lips as he saw Alexis sitting on the couch. He stared at her slackjawed, not speaking.

"Close your mouth Smitty, you're catching flies."

"There's a storm?" Alexis asked tentatively, trying to ignore the hammering inside her chest.

"Yeah" he nodded. "The city is pretty much shut down. Airports are closed, can't find a taxi for love nor money."

The corners of Patrick's mouth curved upwards into a small smile. "I guess Alexis is bunking with us then."

Eric stood rooted in his spot. It had been almost a week since she had left his bed in the middle of the night and his calls to her had gone unanswered. His disappointment over such an abrupt end to something that had begun so easily was total.

Alexis shifted uncomfortably on the couch. "I'm sure I can find a hotel room" she stammered, fidgeting with the pen in her hands. "I certainly don't want to put you out."

"You aren't" Patrick answered quickly, avoiding the look of wrath in his friend's eyes. "After all you've done for me, we insist that you stay here. Don't we Smitty?" he prodded.

With a look of incredulity passing over his face, Eric simply shook his head. "Of course," he said, finally mustering his voice. "I'll set you up in my room" he told her as he finally shut the door behind him.

"Wh-where will you sleep?" Alexis asked quietly.

"Yes Eric, wherever will you sleep?" Patrick teased gently.

"On the couch." Shrugging off his coat, he laid it over a chair and pulled the wool cap from his head. "How are you feeling?" he asked Patrick.

"Tired" he admitted. "I'm going to head to bed."

"You don't want to watch the game?" Eric queried, sneaking a look at Alexis as he did so. Patrick shook his head. "Okay."

He helped Patrick from the couch and walked behind him to his bedroom. As the tumour continued to grow, Patrick had become unsteady on his feet and after a couple of tumbles to the ground, Eric had hired a day nurse to stay with him while he worked and when he was home, made sure he followed him to catch him if he fell. Once inside Patrick's room, Eric gently shut the door as Patrick pulled back the covers on his bed.

"Are you matchmaking Pantsy?" he asked.

Slowly getting into bed, he shrugged. "Maybe. I'm pretty bored and need something to occupy my time." Rolling his eyes Eric said nothing as he slipped the blood pressure cuff on his arm. "You should ask Alexis to watch the game with you. Then you can explain it to her in a smug, condescending boyfriend-like voice" he wheezed as his chest tightened.

"I'm not her boyfriend" he said quietly as he took the reading. "And I don't think you get to lecture anyone unless you're about to tell me you called Robin today."

Patrick sighed. "Do as I say, not as I do."

Removing the cuff and placing it back in the drawer, Eric gave him a small smile. "Rest up Pantsy - I'll see you in the morning."

xxxxxxxx  
Returning to the living room, he found Alexis typing away on her laptop. "I...uh...I'm just...I'm going to change my clothes" he stammered nervously. "And then...I can make some dinner if you're hungry."

An apology sat stuck on the tip of her tongue. She wanted to tell him how sorry she was for ignoring his calls, how badly she felt for the way she had treated him but when she opened her mouth to speak, the words would not come. "Okay" she said, watching as he walked up the winding staircase to his room in the loft.

Clenching her eyes shut, she cradled her head in her hands. Eric had been such a surprise for her - his attention and affection seemingly came out of nowhere and she was swept up in it. But the scars from the dissolution of her marriage were still fresh and however much she wanted to trust him, she was having difficulty trusting herself.

She continued typing the contents of Patrick's will, pausing as she reached the bequest to Eric. Patrick's words, "he has spent enough time on the sidelines" played back in her head and she looked back up at the winding staircase. Before her head could silence her heart she shut her laptop and rising from the couch, walked the familiar path to his room.

Pushing open the door, her breath hitched in her throat. Clad only in a pair of battered jeans as he rifled through a drawer, she stared at the broad expanse of his back and the tattoo of the phoenix rising, almost daring her to take a chance.

"Are you really going to sleep on the couch?" she asked, breaking the silence.

Jumping at the sound of her voice, he slowly turned around and looked at her. "You're a guest, the guest bedroom is currently occupied and so you get my bed."

"You shouldn't have to give up your bed."

"Alexis, I'm not going to make you sleep in a bed with me when we're...when you..." He stopped and taking a steadying breath, started again. "I left you four messages and you didn't return any of them. I thought I might at least warrant a phone call."

"I am so sorry" she apologized. "I wanted to call you but I was embarrassed by my behaviour and didn't know what to say."

"Alexis, we don't have to do this. If you don't want to be with me then just say so. I'll be disappointed but..."

"I do want to be with you" she told him, taking several steps in his direction.

"Really?" he challenged, "because that's not what it feels like from where I'm standing."

Alexis flinched slightly at his words. She had always been a little clumsy when it came to dealing with feelings - her own or someone else's and this was proving to be no exception. "Eric...I have made some very bad choices in my life and it wasn't so bad when it was only me who suffered the consequences but I have to protect my daughters-"

"I'm a bad choice?"

"No" she told him emphatically as she continued to work her way to him. "Not at all. I'm just cautious - it's not about you - it's about me."

He nodded his understanding. "Alexis, I really, really like you. I think about you all the time and I want to be with you - I want to talk to you on the phone and hear about your day and I haven't felt that way about anyone in a really long time."

Standing right in front of him, she curled her fingers into the waistband of his jeans. She could feel the heat coming from his body as he took one serrated breath after another. "Me too" she whispered.

Eric stared at her for several beats before sliding his finger under her chin and tipping it upwards. He crashed his mouth over hers in a hungry, passionate kiss. His hands slid down her back, pulling her flush against his body. As their mouths fused together, their tongues tangling round each other, he pulled her off the floor and she wrapped her legs around his waist. Carrying her to his bed, he laid her down on the mattress before stretching out on top of her. His lips moved to her jaw then her neck, his kisses coming in urgent staccato beats. Alexis threaded her hands through his hair, cradling him between her hips as their bodies rocked in unison.

His fingers made quick work of the buttons on her blouse and his hands trailed across her skin sending shivers through her from head to toe. Her hands swept over his shoulders, dragging her nails lightly against his skin.

Breathless, he raised his head and smiled as he looked at her. "God Alexis," he panted, "I'm falling in love with you."

She froze at his words and stared at him in shock. "Don't say that" she said quickly. "You can't say that."

Confused, Eric rolled off of her and sat up. "Wh-what?"

"You can't say that. It's too soon for you to say that."

"Too soon?"

Alexis quickly re-buttoned her blouse. "You're not falling in love with me" she told him, "you're just -it's a crush."

Blowing out his cheeks, he covered his mouth with his hand. "Wow" he said quietly, swinging his feet to the floor. Walking back to his chest of drawers, he pulled out a t-shirt, tugging it over his head.

"You know," he began with a small shake of his head, "I'm not asking you to say it back to me, I'm not expecting your feelings to match mine but for you to dismiss how I feel about you because it's - I don't know - inconvenient? That's cruel and I don't deserve that. I'm not a little boy Alexis, I've been in love before and I know what it is and I know what I'm feeling. Clearly you don't feel the same way and you're just looking for a little piece on the side."

He wiped the back of his hand against his mouth, trying to keep his emotions in check. "I'm not one night stand kind of guy. It's unfortunate you didn't know Patrick before he met Robin - I'm sure he would have been happy to scratch your itch."

Alexis groaned as she rose from the bed. "That's not what I meant," she tried to clarify. "Eric, I have issues-"

"And what?" he snapped angrily, "You think that makes you special?" Weeks of stress, worry and frustration were bubbling up inside him. He was feeling the weight of Patrick's impending surgery acutely. "We all have issues Alexis - we all have baggage but it's not a free pass."

"Eric, I really like you." She started to explain but her cut her off.

"No you don't. You like the idea of me and that's not the same thing. I'm...I'm going to head back to the hospital - there's some prep work I need to do for Patrick's surgery. The fridge is fully stocked, help yourself to whatever you'd like. You're welcome to sleep here or on the couch - I won't be back tonight." Grabbing his shoes, he brushed past her as she reached out to touch him.

Stopping in the doorway, he turned back to look at her. "We could have been really good together," he told her quietly.

As she heard his footsteps pad down the stairs, Alexis sank onto the bed and covered her face with her hands as tears streamed forth.

xxxxxxx  
Patrick snapped his cellphone shut in frustration and tossed it across the couch.

He had heard Eric stomp out of the apartment the night before and though it had taken some doing, he had finally managed to get Alexis to open up and tell him what happened. He had offered her both his insight on his best friend and his advice - which was to go after him - but Alexis was embarrassed and wouldn't do so. She had stayed the night so he wouldn't be alone and had left early in the morning. Patrick had been calling Eric ever since but he wouldn't pick up.

A sharp pounding on the door, caused his head to snap up. A quick glance at his watch told him it was too early to be his nurse. Gingerly rising to his feet, he shuffled to the door. "I've been calling you for hours Smitty" he called as he opened the door. "You forget your ke-"

The words died in his mouth as he came face to face with Robin. Her brown eyes were shiny, her hair pulled back into a low ponytail and her jaw was set in that determined way he had come to love.

"It's time to come home." 


	73. Chapter 80

**Chapter 80**

The broken locks were a warning, you got inside my head  
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead

"R-r-robin" Patrick stammered.

His head started to swirl and his knees shake as he stared at her. His hand tightened around the doorknob as he tried to stay upright.

"Hi" she said softly, with a watery smile.

She was stunned at his appearance; it was far worse than she had imagined. She now understand Noah's devastation. Reaching out to take his hand, she was surprised that he backed away from her.

His hand flew to his face, covering the feeding tube in his nose. "You...you shouldn't be here," he told her hoarsely, continuing to back into the apartment.

Stepping over the threshold Robin closed the door behind her, never taking her eyes from her boyfriend. She walked to him and gently curled her fingers around his wrist, pulling his hand away from his face.

"I love you" she stated, her brown eyes filled to the brim with tears. "I love you and I am going to be by your side through all of this."

"No" he replied with a shake of his head.

He groped behind him for something to hold on to as he was not convinced his legs would keep him upright for much longer. He closed his eyes as Robin took him by the elbow and guided him to the couch. He could smell her scent - rosemary and mint from her shampoo with a light dusting of freesia. It set his heart racing and made him want to lose himself in her.

Once she had settled him she sat down next to him allowing little space between them. She could see him fidget and knew he was uncomfortable. But she also knew that he was uncomfortable not because he didn't want her next to him, touching him but because he did. Her entire body was turned towards him and she trailed her fingertips along his shoulder. She tried not to be distracted by how close his collar bone was to the surface, at how small he felt as she touched him.

"Either you are coming home with me or I am staying here with you. Whatever your choice, we are done being apart." Her tone was loving and gentle; she could feel his pain and his fear seeping from him.

"You can't be here," he repeated, not looking at her.

"Tough. Walking out is acceptable, giving up is not," she reminded him.

Patrick clenched and unclenched his fist. He was awash in conflicting emotions and as his eyes welled with tears, he struggled for the last vestiges of control available to him. Turning to face her, his bottom lip quivering he shook his head. "Robin - look at me. You cannot...you cannot want to be a part of this."

Taking his left hand in between both of hers, she rubbed it softly. "I do" she said. "Living without you is unbearable. And so I'm going to be with you no matter how hard this gets. Your feeding tube doesn't scare me, your tremors don't scare me and your tumour doesn't scare me. Being without you when I know you need me and I need you - that scares me."

The first tear sailed down his cheek and landed on his jeans. It was followed by several more that Robin swiped away. "My surgery is booked for Thursday" he told her. She was still holding his hand and Patrick felt imbued with warmth. He had been so cold for so long but sitting with her, feeling her touch again, made him feel warm.

"Are you scared?"

He gave a small shrug. He wasn't sure if he was afraid but he knew he exhausted - tired of the pain, the uncertainty and growing loss of his independance. "I don't want to live like this anymore" he whispered.

She gently massaged his hand helping to unknot the cramp that had formed in the centre of his palm. "Then Thursday will be a new beginning and you won't have to live like this." As the various scenarios of what could happen to him rolled through his head, he pulled his hand from her and shifted on the couch - a move that did not go unnoticed by Robin.

"Patrick, it is time to stop pushing me away," she told him strongly.

"Robin please" he begged. "I don't want you to see this - you don't need this in your life."

"You're right." She shifted towards him. "I don't. Neither do you but regardless of our need or lack of need for the situation, this is happening. And so we're going to deal with it - together."

Having run out of couch, he got unsteadily to his feet and paced as best he could. "Why won't you respect what I want?" he snapped at her. "Why is what I want so unimportant to you?"

She stayed perfectly still and held his gaze. "What you want is very important to me." Her tone was calm yet defiant. "The problem here Patrick is that you aren't saying what it is you want. What you want is to live - you want to come through the surgery with none of the potential side effects and you want me by your side. The thing is, you won't say any of that because you're afraid if you say what it is that you really want, you won't get it."

"You're wrong" he challenged her, shoving his hand into his pocket.

"Am I? You don't think I know why you are doing this?"

"I am trying to protect you!" he shouted. "I am doing this for YOU!"

"No you're not," she rebuked him gently. "You are trying to protect yourself."

Feeling weak, he sank on to the arm of the chair and dragged a hand through his thinning hair. "Robin," he whispered.

Robin rose from the couch and walked over to where he sat. She stood in front of him running her hands along his thighs. "I heard you Patrick - that day on the pier after I went to my first group meeting? You told me what it was like for you to be a child of an addict. You said it was an isolating experience and that you kept people at bay so they wouldn't discover the truth. That's what you're doing now. You want me to stay away so I won't see how scared and weak and sick you are. But that doesn't work because whether or not you and I are in the same building, same city or same state, we are connected - in here," she tapped his heart.

Several tears slid down his cheeks as he looked at her. It had been an enormous leap of faith on his part to open his heart to her; he had shared things with her that no one else in his life knew. She had a way of drawing him out, giving him the space and security he needed to be honest with his feelings and every time he took that chance, he was rewarded for it. He had never been loved the way she loved him.

Short of breath and with a tremulous hand, he cupped her cheek and ran his thumb along her smooth skin. Dipping his head, his lips went in search of hers and as their mouths connected in a warm, soft kiss he could feel their tears intermingle. It was a kiss he had been dreaming about every night and with most things, the reality far exceeded the fantasy. Sliding his arms around her, he pulled her to him and buried his face in her neck. Breathing in her scent, he whispered her name over and over again.

Robin rubbed her hands over his back, soothing and comforting him. The wait to hold him again, to feel his body against hers once more, had been interminable. But now that she had him she was never going to let him go. She had never doubted her feelings for him or how truly special the love they shared was but there was reassurance in holding him, there was confirmation in touching him and there was hope in his kiss.

"R-robin" he said breathlessly, "I have to t-tell you..." He inhaled sharply, greedily sucking in air. "I need you t-to know-"

She could feel his body shake and though she suspected what was coming, she was ill-prepared as he crashed to the floor. His body writhed and twisted, gripped by painful spasms. His eyes rolled to the back of his head as he shook violently. The seizure was over quickly and as Robin sank to her knees, her heart was suddenly encased in ice.

Patrick was not breathing. 


	74. Chapter 81

**Chapter 81**

Hold on  
Hold on to yourself  
For this is going to hurt like hell

Robin pressed her fingers to his neck and gulped as there was no pulse to be found. Taking several deep breaths to steady herself she folded one hand over the over, interlaced her fingers together and placing them over his heart began to press on his chest. Instinct took over and guided her as she counted out the compressions, stopping to give him two slow breaths. She resumed compressions, ignoring the ache building in her shoulders as she did so.

"Don't you even think of quitting on me Drake" she panted, pushing on his chest. "I found your list you know and we are going to do everything on it - everything - so you better start breathing, okay?"

Hearing a small gurgle emanating from the back of his throat, Robin let out a ragged breath. Pressing her fingers against his neck, she was relieved to feel a faint, thready beat underneath. With a shaky hand she gently brushed his bangs from his face.

"Come on Patrick," she pleaded quietly. "Open your eyes. Let me see your beautiful brown eyes."

Keeping her hand on his leg, she crawled towards the couch, straining to reach her purse. Finally getting hold of the strap, she pulled it towards her and retreived her cell phone from the bottom of it. Flipping it open with one hand she punched the keys, dialing 9-1-1. Very calmly, she provided the operator with the address and an assessment of Patrick's situation before hanging up. Moving up beside him, she cradled his head in her lap and moved her hand over his heart trying to rouse him.

"Patrick, baby - wake up. Wake up and open your eyes," she encouraged him. Placing her fingers against his neck, she was reassured that the thready pulse seemed to be gaining in strength. She kept waiting for some kind of panic to wash over her but nothing came. She was calm and measured as she continued to rub her hand over him.

This was the nightmare. This was the nightmare they had both been trying to avoid and outrun. And now they were out of options. For better or for worse, nothing would be the same from here on out.

"I love you" she told him softly. "No matter what."

The door to the apartment burst open as the paramedics came bustling through pulling a stretcher behind them. Robin kissed Patrick's forehead. "The paramedics are here Patrick - they're going to take good care of you and I promise I'll be here right by your side." Gently laying his head back down on the floor, she carefully stepped out of the way of the paramedics while answering their questions. Folding her arms across her chest, she let out a long breath never taking her eyes from Patrick.

The paramedics carefully but efficiently lifted Patrick on to the stretcher before opening his shirt to attach the leads for the heart monitor. She did a double take as a flash of red and gold caught her eye. Leaning forward she spied the claddagh tattoo above his heart and a small gasp escaped from the back of her throat. Her hand instinctively flew to her neck as her fingers curled around the matching necklace that she had not taken off since he had left. She was more confident than ever that he felt their connection as deeply as she did and she planned on using that to get him - them - through the coming days.

"I'm riding with you" she told the paramedics.

The one at the foot of the stretcher nodded. "Of course. You said he's to go to Columbian?"

"Yes" she confirmed. "His surgeon, Doctor Smitherman is there"

"Alright," he said as his partner fastened the oxygen mask over Patrick's face. "Let's go."

Inside the ambulance as it sped through the streets of New York, Robin squeezed herself onto the bench beside the stretcher. Reaching for his hand she brought it to her lips and placed a soft kiss against it. Despite him being unconcious, his hand still trembled and shook. The tremors that he had gone to such lengths to hide were practically permanent. There was a small voice in the back of her head reminding her that history was not repeating itself. She wasn't losing another love, she wasn't going to have her heart broken - she would accept no other option. She swept her other hand across his bare chest, stopping at his tattoo. Her fingers shook slightly as she traced the outline and for the first time she noticed the letter R in the middle of the heart.

"You are just full of surprises Patrick Drake," she whispered. "And I want to see what else you have in store so you need to make sure you wake up, okay?"

She glanced over at the heart monitor and though uneasy with how low the numbers were was at least comforted by them being steady. These were not the ideal conditions for him to head into surgery but they were all he had and she hoped that Eric was as talented as Patrick had claimed and then some. As the ambulance pulled into the bay at the hospital, she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his.

"I love you," she repeated, "and don't you forget it."

The ambulance doors flew open and the ER staff stood ready to receive him. She saw Eric standing by the doors, his eyes fixed on Patrick. He listened intently as the paramedics gave him a status update and then barked at his team to move him into the trauma room. Finding her feet, she scrambled from the ambulance and broke into a sprint, following them.

Slipping inside the door, she pressed her back to the wall and watched as Eric worked. He took his vitals, checked his pupils and his reflexes.

"Okay, I have OR 4 reserved" he snapped at his team, "I want an MRI and then I want him prepped for surgery - stat!"

Not seeing Robin, he blew through the doors and out into the hallway stopping only when she called to him. Spinning around he looked at her in surprise. "You were with him?" he asked, closing the gap between them.

She nodded. "I was"

Eric gave her a small, grateful smile. "I'm glad."

"What do you think?" she asked.

"It's time" he replied simply. "I'm heading to the OR to prep right now."

"I'm going to observe in the gallery," she stated.

He shook his head. "No you aren't"

"Eric" she challenged. "You can't keep me from him. I told him I wouldn't leave him and I mean it"

His face softened and he exhaled quietly. "Robin, I'm glad you want to be by his side but this...this is going to be tough-"

"I can handle it," she interjected.

"For me" he corrected gently. "It's going to be hard for me and I promise I am going to do everything I can but I can't do it with someone looking over my shoulder. I can't do it with an audience."

She chewed on her bottom lip, not quite willing to concede so easily. "Eric-"

"Robin. Please." Taking a deep breath, he put his hand on her shoulder. "I need you to do this for me. And I need you to call Noah - he needs to be here." The implications of his words hung heavily over both of them. "Call Noah and then get comfortable because it's going to be a very long night."

Knowing he was right, she nodded. Eric turned on his heel and started to head back down the hall when she called to him again. He turned back around and walked to her. Seeing his hand outstretched, Robin placed hers in his. Looking her in the eye, he gave her hand a squeeze and smiled. "I know" he told her. "He's important to me too and I'm going to take really, really good care of him. I promise. I'll see you on the other side."

"Thanks" she smiled back. "Be brilliant."

He winked at her and then disappeared down the hallway.

xxxxxx

Having called Noah, she then wandered the hospital halls in search of the chapel. A volunteer pointed her in the right direction and as she pushed open the doors she was surprised to find it empty. Surely she couldn't be the only person in the hospital in need of strength. Walking down the centre aisle she slid into the front pew. She folded her hands on her lap and took several deep breaths.

She had surprised herself at how calm she was when she spoke to Noah. There had been no quaver in her voice, no trembling in her hands, she had simply relayed the information as she knew it and answered the few questions he had. He had expressed his gratitude that Robin had been with him when he collapsed and told her he would be on the very next flight to New York. There were no rumblings in her stomach, no butterflies madly flapping their wings and she couldn't decide if it meant she wasn't afraid of what was happening or that she was so terrified she had yet to begin to process any of it.

Her mind filled with a multitude of thoughts. Not surprsingly, they included Stone as there were elements of all of this that were achingly familiar. While Stone never faced a surgery where his life hung in the balance he did, like Patrick, start to slip away. She was helpless to stop it in either case and much like with Stone all she could offer him was her love.

She had always had a romantic side, losing herself in books of grand love affairs against the odds; stories which always showed that even when it seemed all was lost so long as there was love, there was hope. She believed in the power of love and didn't care if made her cheesy or sappy or unrealistic. There was too much evidence in her life that demonstrated that love was as important as medicine, money or power - that without it, very little else mattered. It had taken a long time for her to convince Patrick of that but he had come to believe as well. He had, in moments of doubt, clung to it until he could find his feet again and the tattoo on his chest told her that he still believed.

Reaching into her purse, she pulled out the list that she had carried with her from the moment she found it. Carefully unfolding it, she re-read each item and reasserted to herself that they were going to do this. That once Patrick was healed they would finish the list, make their memories and then make a new list.

It was not in her nature to make demands or keep score in her life. She knew that she had been dealt plenty of challenges and fair or unfair they still needed to be met and dealt with. It had been a rare time that she had railed against the injustice of it all - the losses and heartbreak - because she knew it wasn't productive. Screaming at the wind that she didn't want to be HIV+ wouldn't actually change it and so she had always felt it was better to figure out how to get on with it rather than dwell on it. But Patrick had reopened her heart when she was sure it would never happen again and she was not willing to be practical about that. On this point she was going to be selfish - she wanted him healthy and whole and back with her. She wanted a future with him - a long future with him and she was certain she had earned that.

Folding the list, she placed it back inside her purse and looked up at the crucifix hanging on the wall.

"You owe me," she said out loud. "And I'm collecting."

xxxxx

Eric pushed through the doors to the OR and walked to his scrub nurse, allowing her to glove him. Taking a steadying breath he walked to the table where Patrick lay. He gave a wry smile from behind his mask as he saw his friend's shaved head.

"You are going to be some pissed about your hair" he teased quietly.

Bending down he closed his hand around Patrick's and gave it a small squeeze. Per Eric's request, the Michael the Archangel medallion had been taped to the inside of Patrick's hand. "Alright, listen up Pantsy - Robin's outside waiting for you and she will kick my ass if you don't come out of this so I need you to promise me that if see any kind of warm, white light that you'll walk in the other direction. My rep couldn't take it if it got out that I was beaten up by a girl so you just hang on, okay?"

Giving Patrick's hand a final squeeze, he walked to the head of the table and looked to his assistant. "Bone saw" he stated, his hand outstretched. "Alright everyone, let's get started." 


	75. Chapter 82

**Chapter 82**

When the stars have all gone out, you'll still be burning so bright

Noah stood in the doorway of the waiting room and gave a small smile as he saw Robin sitting in a chair in the corner of the room. Her legs were pulled up to her chest and her chin rested on top of her knees. Her eyes were closed but he knew she wasn't sleeping. It was going to be a long night but there would be no sleep for any of them until they knew Patrick was out of danger.

He had tried not to panic after he had hung up form her phone call. His collapse was an inevitability and he felt that perhaps it was an act of grace that his son was unconcious as he entered the OR. His son was brave and liked to push life to the edge but he had been terrified of this surgery and Noah thought maybe it would help him somehow not to have to be afraid going in. He was also relieved beyond belief that Robin had been with him when it happened. There was the practicality of him not being alone but more than that he was sure that his son drew strength and solace from Robin's presence and he was in need of both at this time.

He quietly crossed the floor, carrying two coffees in his hand and sat down next to her. "Robin," he called to her.

Her head snapped up and she smiled warmly as she met Noah's gaze. Unfurling her legs, she turned in her seat and hugged him tightly. "Hi" she greeted him softly.

Noah rubbed her back both giving and taking comfort in the embrace. "Hey there."

They slowly pulled apart and Noah passed a coffee to her. "Two milks and four sugars, right?"

She smiled sheepishly. "Yes. I like it sweet."

He nodded as he flipped back the plastic tab on his lid. "How long has he been under?"

Robin glanced at her watch. "Five hours, 48 minutes. In your experience...how long do you think?"

"Between 12 and 14 hours," he answered. "Longer than that and I will start to fret. How are you?"

She took a long drink from her coffee as she contemplated her answer. "I'm hopeful" she finally answered.

"Good. Me too."

Pulling one leg back to her chest, Robin looked at Noah and opened her mouth to speak before closing it again. Taking another sip from her coffee, she cocked her head to the side and finally spoke. "May I ask you something?"

"Of course"

"How...how long was Mattie's surgery before..." She let her voice trail off, not wanting to complete her question for fear of upsetting him.

"Before she died?" he finished for her. Robin nodded. "We were in to hour 10 when it started to go very wrong. I couldn't get the bleeders under control, her blood pressure was all over the map and she started to have multiple seizures. Her heart simply couldn't take it and we were unable to revive her."

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable by bringing it up."

"You didn't" he answered with a shake of his head. "It's nice..." he paused, "it's nice to be able to talk about it without all the baggage that normally comes along with this particular conversation."

Gently touching his arm, Robin smiled. "You know that Patrick loves you right?"

"I do," he told her. "And now I'm working on getting him to like me." Robin smiled. "I, uh...I made him a collage of pictures," he admitted, smirking as Robin's eyebrows shot up questioningly. "I got a bunch of photos of him as a kid and laid them out. You know, he was a happy and loved child and I wanted to remind him of that. It doesn't negate what I did but what I did doesn't erase all the good that came before it."

"Patrick is a good man Noah and you had a lot to do with that. And as someone who has been the recepient of his goodness, I am very grateful for that."

Touched by her comment, he leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Thank you," he told her softly.

xxxx

The only sound in the room, as they sat in silence, was the quiet ticking of the clock. The hallways were bustling with action - loud voices echoing, people rushing by - but inside the room it felt as though they were in a bubble. It was like some kind of suspended animation for them, waiting for the time to pass until the moment where they would find out what came next.

Glancing at her watch, Robin turned to Noah. "Seven hours, 28 minutes."

"Just over halfway through." He exhaled and dragged his hand through his hair. It was never easy to wait while a loved one was in surgery but there was something slightly more torturous about it for a surgeon. Being intimately familiar with the surgery, the risks and the possible outcomes and yet being unable to do anything about it was both frustrating and nerve racking.

A small knock on the door caused them both to look up. Robin's face broke into a wide smile and she sprinted across the room launching herself into her uncle's arms

"How did you know?" she asked, her voice muffled against his chest as he hugged her tightly.

"I told him," Alexis said, coming in behind Mac.

Not letting go of her uncle, Robin gave her a curious look. "And how did you know?"

She smiled shyly. "I'm Patrick's lawyer and there was an order on his chart that I be notified once his surgery began."

Noah closed his eyes as he brought his head to rest against the wall behind him. He had been relatively calm about everything so far but the idea of his son putting his affairs in order - alone - was like a punch to the stomach and he needed a moment to gather himself.

"His lawyer?" Robin queried. Her face fell slightly as realization dawned. "Oh."

Mac tightened his embrace around his niece and ksised the top of her head. "It's going to be okay sweetheart."

With a fierce determination in her eyes, she nodded. "Yes it is."

Alexis stepped further inside the waiting room and placing her briefcase on the table, popped it open. Flipping open the file, she retreived two envelopes and turned towards Noah and Robin.

"Patrick has instructed me to give these letters to you once his surgery began. You can read them now or at any time of your choosing but he wanted you to have them now." She handed them each an envelope with their name on the front in Patrick's familiar messy scrawl.

Robin sank in to the chair, Mac beside her, and stared at the envelope. There was a part of her that was unsure she wanted to read his thoughts. What if he had been in place of hoplessness when he wrote them? What if there was something in there that when he woke up he would prefer that he not have told her? What if the letter was saying goodbye? She traced her finger along the edge of the crisp, white enveloped and let out a shaky breath. This was the first moment of uncertainty she was experiencing since she arrived at the apartment and it was throwing her just a little.

Noah tapped the envelope and then rose to his feet. "If you'll excuse me" he said to them, "I think I'm going to stretch my legs." Tucking the letter in the back pocket of his jeans, he headed out the door.

Snapping her briefcase shut, Alexis smiled sympathetically at Robin. "I'm going to head to my hotel. Call me if there is anything I can do for you - I'll say a prayer for Patrick."

"Actually there is something you can do for me," Robin told her.

"Name it"

"Stay."

"Robin I don't want to intrude-"

"You aren't. You've been a good friend to both of us - you brought my uncle. Patrick would like that you are here. Not to mention I think Eric is going to need you when this is over."

Alexis' face fell slightly at the mention of his name. They had not spoken since she had dismissed his feelings for her and essentially pushed him out the door. The irony of course was that he was not the only person who had fallen with an almighty thud but she was unable to get out of her own way and let something good happen. "Robin, Eric and I aren't..." her voice trailed off, unsure how to finish the sentence.

"He's going to need you all the same. Please stay?"

Unable to resist her friend's request, Alexis smiled. Putting her briefcase on the ground, she settled into a chair and joined the wait.

xxxxx

In the far corner of the cafeteria, away from the whirl of activity, Noah had laid the letter on the table. If he were being honest with himself, he would admit that he was a little afraid of the contents, unsure of what it was his son wanted him to know as his surgery began but if his recovery had taught him anything it was that there was simply no hiding from the truth.

Inhaling sharply, he picked the envelope up and dragged his finger under the seal. He pulled the carefully folded letter from inside and pressed it flat. Picking it up, he began to read

_Dear Dad -_

If you're reading this then it means that I'm in surgery.

I have had a lot of time to reflect on my life in the last few weeks and as I've become progressively weaker I've been thinking a lot about Mom and you. Mom must have been very scared towards the end because I know I am. I would give almost anything to never have experienced this. As bad as the pain has been, it's the possiblity of dying before I'm ready that really hurts. Though it probably sounds weird there is a small part of me that is grateful for this because it's allowed me to finally get some perspective on my life.

I love the pictures you brought - we really had some good times as a family, didn't we? I look at those pictures and I remember how happy we were. I was definitely a spoiled kid whose parents were indulgent and loving. And I understand now how devastating Mom's illness must have been on you. For so many years I've only been able to think about the impact of her illness and death on me. I was quite beligerent with you about your selfishness and your inability to see anyone else's pain, how little did I realize that I was doing the same thing. My grief was all consuming and I didn't think it was possible that anyone could feel as empty and sad as I did. You must have, especially towards the end when she was so sick, felt very alone. I was a self-centered teenager who couldn't see beyond himself and for that I am truly sorry. I wish I had been a better son to you then.

I've also done a lot of thinking about forgiveness and what it means and whether it makes a difference. For a long time I've withheld my forgiveness from you because I was trying to punish you. I wanted you to feel as badly as I did - what I didn't realize was that the pain you were in far exceeded anything I could inflict on you. The thing I've discovered is that by doing that I've only made the weight I'm carrying heavier and the person truly being punished here is me. So I've decided to put the weight down - I'm not going to carry it any longer.

I forgive you.

During the last couple of times you visited, you made a point of telling me how much I'm like Mom - how similar our personalities are and I can see that. But I'd like to think that I'm also a little like you because Dad, you are a good guy. A lot of who I am as a man is based on growing up with you and given that it has led me to Robin, I'm grateful.

I want to thank you for so many things - playing catch in the backyard, Saturdays at the racetrack, movie days, teaching me how to shoot the perfect wrist shot. But mostly I want to thank for not giving up on me even when I begged and yelled at you to do so. You'll never know how much your visits, your reassurances and the reminders that you love me, meant.

I'm not sure what's waiting for me on the other side of surgery and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little afraid. But I want you to know that I love you and I am glad that you are my Dad. No kid could have asked for better.

Love,

Patrick. 


	76. Chapter 83

**Chapter 83**

Full of grace, my love

Robin sat in the waiting room, her head on Mac's shoulder, staring at the envelope. The room was growing heavy with the silence as the hours of Patrick's surgery continued to tick by. He had now been under the knife for more than nine hours and Robin felt her patience beginning to slip. She was growing antsy for news, though there was to be had. There was nothing to tell until the surgery was over and she supposed she should be grateful that Eric had not yet appeared. If he came too soon then it would not be good news.

Mac stroked her hair and pressed another kiss to her head. "Why don't you find a place where you can read that?" he asked her quietly.

"I don't know if I want to" she admitted.

"Are you afraid of what it might say?"

She nodded. "What if...what if it's bad?"

"Sweetheart," he began gently, "do you really think he'd write you something bad?"

"I don't know."

Alexis leaned forward in her chair and smiled at her friend. "Robin, I'm going to violate a little attorney/client privilege here but you should know when I met with Patrick that he was in peaceful state of mind. I don't know the contents of your letter but if it were me, I would read it."

Understanding her meaning, Robin smiled gratefully. Looking back down at the letter she exhaled and stood up. "I'm going to go for a little walk." She looked at her uncle. "Will you-"

Mac reassuringly placed his hand over hers. "I will come and find you if anything happens."

For the second time that evening, Robin launched herself into his arms and hugged him tightly. "I love you Uncle Mac."

"I love you too Robin." The words caught in his throat as he was reminded yet again of all his niece had survived and hoped that the universe would be kind with her.

Giving Alexis a small wave, she tucked the letter into her purse and headed out into the hallway.

xxxxxx

She had wandered the halls for almost half an hour ducking around corners in search of a place where she could be alone with her thoughts. If she were at General Hospital it could have been almost anywhere - she was so familiar with the noises and commotion that it was like background music to her. But the noise here was different and quiet was hard to come by.

She had finally found a stairwell and climbed it to the top, knowing there wouldn't be many people who walk fourteen flights. Sitting down on the step, she pulled the letter from her purse and carefully lifted the flap. She paused for another moment before finally pulling the letter from the confines of the envelope. Unfolding it, she laid it on her lap and began to read.

_Dear Robin -_

I've never written a love letter before and I think that will become almost painfully clear to you as I clumsily try to tell you what's in my heart.

I know you are likely still very angry with me for leaving, for being another person to leave you but I hope some day you will understand that I truly did it with your best interests at heart. As painful as leaving you that day was, I know that watching me fail as I have done over the last month would be more painful. But being who you are, you would never let show and it would have been too easy to stay and let you care for me. This is the first time in my life where I want to put someone's needs above mine and I hope that you will come, in time, to understand why I did it.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about my life in the last month and I realize that before I met you my life was pretty black and white. I never spent a lot of time thinking about things, I was always looking for the next good time. I had no interest in relationships because I didn't think they would be worth the effort - the truth is I didn't think anyone would really want me for the long haul. But then you busted into that OR radiating colours behind you like I have never seen before and my life changed in an instant.

You threw me off balance - you still do - and made me question things about myself that I had taken for granted. I didn't know how to listen to my heart until you showed me how and now the damn thing won't shut up.

I have always known what love is but I had never experienced it. I didn't know that a kiss could really make someone weak in the knees or that holding your hand could send a rush through me unlike anything I have ever felt. But mostly I didn't know how amazing it could feel to trust someone with who I am and have that given back to me 100 times over.

I remember standing on the roof after the Gilbert surgery and my head was jumble of thoughts. I was panicked with no clue of what to do next and then as you often do, you showed up just when I needed you most. The moment I held you in my arms I felt like I could breathe again. I could barely say it to myself, let alone to you but I was already in love with you. I suppose there are lots of people who can remember the exact moment they fell in love but I can't. It wasn't one moment, it was a million tiny ones - it's the way you roll your eyes at one of my cheesy lines or when you asked me what was wrong with wanting to feel safe and unafraid. It's the way you saunter away from me and toss me a look over your shoulder knowing it drives me crazy or when you held my hand through my dad's surgery. It's watching you get up on a stage and tell a roomful of people about some of your lowest moments so that they will dig deep and help prevent another person from living what you have lived. It's every time we make love and you wrap your body around mine. It's waking up next to you or talking to you on the phone. It's having you hold my hand and tell me everything will okay when I am not sure it ever will be again - but I believe because you tell me so.

Falling in love with you is not a one time thing, it's an every day thing.

The claddagh necklace that I gave you probably does a better job of expressing what you mean to me than anything I could write. Before anything else, you are my friend - I like hanging out with you - playing pool, going to a hockey game or watching a movie. You are loyal - I have watched you take on all comers to protect what and who is important to you and it is a most impressive sight. To be a part of that, to be the recepient of your loyalty and trust is not something I take lightly. And you have the biggest heart of anyone I have ever known and that you've let me live in a corner of it is the greatest gift I have ever been given.

My greatest wish is that I come through surgery with flying colours and no side effects - that I have the opportunity to love you once more and I will fight with everything I have to do that. But I want you to promise that if something goes wrong, if I'm incapacitated in some way that you will go on without me. Robin, you have so much love and goodness to give and deserve so much in return that I don't want you to waste it on me if I can't give it back to you.

I have never been as complete in my life as I am with you. Loving you has been the best thing I have ever done and I thank you for sharing yourself with me.

I love you. Forever.

Patrick. 


	77. Chapter 84

**Chapter 84**

Cast me gently into morning, for the night has been unkind

"You big jerk" she said out loud to no one in particular.

Exhaling slowly, Robin pressed the letter to her heart and bit back the tears that had threatened to form. She had waited her whole life for a love like this. His words about feeling complete echoed so much of what she felt for him. It had taken them some time to find their rhythm but once they did, they lived in synch with each other. Before Patrick, she thought that would mean never fighting or never disagreeing - her previous relationships had taught her that she needed to temper her opinions and be cautious about asking for what she wanted or needed.

But with Patrick it was different.

For all of his compliments about the impact she had on him, she had as many about his impact on her. She had been closed off, her heart out of reach to anyone including herself, when they met. And long after others would have thrown their hands up in frustration and walked away, he kept after her. He taught her it was okay to put down the shield and let him in. When she felt like she was falling to pieces as memories came back to haunt her he rose to the occasion and stood by her side. He made it easier for her to be who she was, he was unrestrained in his admiration for her and pushed her to go further than she even imagined she could.

She used to live in fear of making a mistake as she had learned that forgiveness was not always a given when she did so. But Patrick was different - he accepted her completely. He had never tried to change her or asked her to be different, he simply loved her as he found her and that was the most amazing experience of her life. And one she was not ready to give up without a fight.

"I love you too" she whispered as she looked at the letter. "And I'm not going anywhere."

Sliding the letter back into its envelope, she placed it in her purse. Rising to her feet she brushed off her pants, fixed her ponytail and took a deep breath. If Patrick had intended the letter as a goodbye, he would soon find out that the opposite had happened. She was more connected to him than ever before.

Skipping quickly down the stairs, she headed back to the waiting room.

"Can I get either of you a coffee or something to eat?" Alexis offered as she looked at Mac flipping aimlessly through a magazine and Noah staring blankly at the floor.

Raising his gaze, Noah gave a tired smile. "I'm afraid if I have any more coffee I might start seeing Juan Valdez and his donkey," he joked weakly.

Lowering his magazine, Mac looked at the doctor and smiled sympathetically. "How are you holding up?"

"So far so good" he admitted. He had been buyoed by Patrick's letter. To know that he had been forgiven - truly forgiven - and to have his son tell him that he still loved him had restored his waning energy.

Everyone turned their attention to the door as Robin shuffled back into the room. Mac looked at her carefully, checking for any signs of distress or heartbreak. No one had ever told him that the hardest part of being a parent was being unable to prevent your children from experiencing pain. He had also never been told the joy and pride he would feel watching his child deal with set backs with a grace that people twice her age could not manage.

"Okay?" he asked, eyebrows raised.

Robin nodded. "Yeah." Settling into the seat between Alexis and Mac, she turned to her friend and smiled gratefully. "Thank you for the nudge to read the letter," she said quietly.

Alexis winked. "What are friends for?"

Hooking her arm through Mac's Robin laid her head against his shoulder and let out an exhausted sigh.

The hours continued to tick by and they were all so lost in their own thoughts and fatigue that they were slow to react to the knock at the door. The sight of Eric in his navy scrubs sent Robin's heart leaping into her throat. Noah glanced quickly at his watch and felt a small wave of relief wash over him as he saw it had been just over 13 hours since the start of Patrick's surgery.

Eric pulled the surgical cap from his head and stepped into the room. He did a quick double take as he saw Alexis sitting beside Robin and immediately pushed any thoughts of her from his mind.

"It went well" he told them. "The tumour was bigger than what was apparent on the MRI but I'm confident I got it all."

Robin closed her eyes and exhaled while Noah rubbed his hands over his face. "Did he seize?" Noah asked, finally finding his voice.

Eric nodded. "A few times but there was no further cardiac arrest. He'll be in recovery for about another two hours and then we'll move him to ICU. You both already know this but I'll say it anyways - he's going to be on a vent for the first 24 hours. I expect to wake up somewhere between 18 and 36 hours from now. He will likely be disoriented and agitated and if that happens, I'll sedate him."

His shoulders were slumped and the bags under his eyes pronounced. In looking at him Noah knew the toll all this had taken on the young doctor and that he would be a long time feeling the emotional effects of this surgery. Getting up from his chair, Noah clapped him on the shoulder, shaking his hand. "Thank you" he told him earnestly.

Too tired to speak, Eric simply nodded. Robin rose to her feet and walking across the room wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly. Eric closed his arms around her and hugged her back. He kissed her cheek as he pulled out of the embrace.

"How are you?" she asked.

He flashed a quick smile. "I'm okay. I'm going to go to my office and work on my post-op notes. Once he's moved to the ICU, I'll come and get you guys. If you have any questions in the meantime, just have me paged and I'll be here, okay?" Turning on his heel he strode out of the room.

Robin sat back down in her chair and exhaled a long, slow breath. "It's over" she said quietly.

Noah, still standing, shoved his hand into his jeans pocket and touched the rosary, Mattie's rosary, that was curled inside. He was grateful and yet feeling shaky at the same time. While he agreed with Robin, the surgery was over, there was still a lot of ground left to cover and he needed to prepare himself for that. "If you'll excuse me" he said to the other three, "I'm...I'm going to take a walk."

Robin watched as Noah headed out the door and knew the mixed feelings swirling inside of him. For so long the surgery had been this giant, all consuming hurdle in front of them and now that they were over it, it was time to turn their attention to what came next. And until Patrick woke up no one would know what that was.

She looked over at her Alexis sitting next to her and reaching out, gently touched her leg. "Alexis, go see him" she encouraged.

Alexis smiled wryly, "I don't know."

"If you like him, go see him. Don't waste another minute."

Grabbing her briefcase, Alexis scrambled to her feet. Pausing, she stopped and kissed Robin on the forehead. "I'm glad he's out of surgery."

"Me too."

xxxxxx

Alone in his office, Eric stared at his post-op notes and sighed. There wasn't a muscle in his body that wasn't screaming at him. Long surgeries were all part of the package in his specialty but other than the first time he led a surgery years ago he could not remember a more stressful time in the OR. With his elbows on the desk, he cradled his head in his hands and closed his eyes. It would be days, maybe even a whole week before the full outcome of the surgery was known and he wasn't sure how he would cope if Patrick woke up less than who he knew him to be.

Hearing his office door push open he looked up and groaned as Alexis walked through, closing the door behind her. Meeting her eyes, he shook his head. "I don't have time for you tonight. If you're looking for another round of push/pull, you're going to have to find someone else to play it with - I'm too fucking tired."

"I think you might need a friend" she told him, undeterred by his snappish tone.

"Well I don't." When she made no move to leave, he pushed his chair back from his desk and glared at her. "What do you want from me Alexis?"

"Nothing" she replied. Moving further into his office, she sat down in his guest chair on the opposite side of the desk. "It's just that I know how stressed you have been about this surgery and how worried you've been for weeks. And I thought maybe I could...I could help."

He stared at her and was overwhelmed with a desire to get lost in her, to forget that he had spent the last 13 hours carefully and precisely removing a tumour from his best friend's brain. He wanted to get rid of the knowledge, even if only temporarily, that the slightest hitch in his hand, the smallest of ticks could irrevocably change Patrick's life.

"I don't understand you," he said quietly.

"I was scared," she admitted quietly.

He shook his head. "I don't get it. I am a good guy Alexis. When they talk about the good guys, they are talking about me. I don't get off on hurting people, I don't look for ways to be mean or manipulative. I care for the people in my life and try and let them know that as often as possible because when I spent weeks hovering between life and death I decided I wouldn't let words like that go unsaid. I mean, I know I'm not anyone's definition of a whole man" His voice hitched and trembled slightly. "I know that but I never thought being with me was scary or something to be ashamed of." His blue eyes welled with tears as weeks of stress started to seep from him.

Furrowing her brow, Alexis looked at him in confusion. "I'm not scared of you Eric, I'm scared of myself. But...wh-what do you mean you aren't a whole man?"

Looking off to the side, he tried his best to blink away the tears that had formed. Patrick was the only person who knew how hard the adjustment had been for him, how much he struggled with his new reality. The few dates he had gone on since his recovery had often ended early with his date being apologetic and him being understanding. Sucking in a breath he looked back at her.

"Alexis, I would think you would have guessed by now. I have one testicle and it's a prosthetic. That patch on my hip which you asked if it was a nicotine patch is a testosterone patch. I wear one because I can't produce it on my own. Th-the one thing that makes me a man and I have to get it from the pharmacy."

Pushing back her chair she stood up and walking around his desk placed herself between him and the desk. Sitting on the edge she looked him straight in the eye. "I didn't know it was a prosthetic and it doesn't bother me - though it obviously bothers you" she told him kindly. "Let's clear something up though okay? Testosterone is what makes you male. What makes you a man is in here," leaning forward she tapped his heart. "And in here," she tapped his head. Mere inches from his face, she cupped his cheek. "And you are more of a man than anyone I know."

Closing his eyes, he pushed his cheek against her palm. "Don't be here because you feel sorry for me," he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I'm not and I don't" she told him. "I'm here because I care about you and I've done a poor job of letting you know."

He kissed the inside of her hand. Looking up at Alexis, he cupped the back of her head bringing her mouth to his. He kissed her softly, nipping at her bottom lip. "We still have a lot to talk about"

"And we will" she assured him gently. "But tonight I am going to take care of you."

Sliding his arms around her he pulled her to his lap and embraced her tightly, burying his head in the soft crook of her neck and breathing in her scent. "I've missed you" he whispered, his voice vibrating against her skin.

"And I've missed you." She pressed several small kisses against his cheek. "You're not alone Eric, I'm here."

xxxxxx

Having received word that Patrick was being moved to ICU, Eric headed back to the waiting room with Alexis. Robin was dozing lightly, her head on Mac's shoulder and Noah slowly breaking off pieces from a styrofoam cup. He tapped lightly on the door.

Mac gently touched Robin's shoulder. Sitting up straight, she rubbed the sleep from her eyes and looked expectantly at Eric.

"He's being moved right now" he told them. "I'll take you to him, if you'd like to follow me."

"And then you're going home to get some rest, right?" Noah asked.

Eric gave a small shrug. "I was going to crash in the on-call room. I'd like to be here when he wakes up."

Noah touched his shoulder. "Eric, I am very grateful for all that you have done for my son tonight but I know you must be exhausted. And you and I both know he may need you yet again." Seeing the resistence on Eric's face, he smiled knowing that Patrick had often given him the same look. "Son, go home and sleep in your bed - your team will page you when he wakes up."

Stopping outside Patrick's room, Eric nodded. "Okay I will. Let's go in."

The small group followed Eric inside Patrick's room. The rythmic hiss of the ventilator was only the sound in the room. Patrick lay on the bed, pale and small; his body seemed to float in the hospital gown. His head was shaven and bald except for thick white bandages covering his incision. His lips were already dry and cracked from the ventilator and an i.v. line had been inserted into the back of his hand. If there had been any doubt as to how sick he was, it was erased at that moment.

When asked, Noah and Robin said they had no questions and so Eric quietly slipped from the room to give them some alone time with Patrick.

Noah walked to the head of the bed and kissed Patrick's forehead. "You did well Patty" he told him. "I am so proud of you and I love you."

Robin stood at the foot of his bed staring at him. She had said nothing since arriving inside the room and though she had opened her mouth several times to speak, there were simply no words that would come. There was something so jarring about Patrick's appearance. He looked nothing like the man she loved - her Patrick. She could hear his voice in her head but couldn't reconcile the voice with the person laying in front of her. It was as though she had been trying so hard to believe he would be fine - for him and for her - that she had somehow missed how much had hung in the balance. And how precarious the balance was.

"Robin?" Mac called to her.

She could not answer him. Her entire body started to tremble and shake as she stared at her boyfriend. The tears that had absent for almost a whole day suddenly flooded her eyes and gushed down her cheeks. A small sob escaped from the back of her throat.

Mac quickly took hold of her and whisked her from the room. Out in the hallway he wrapped her in his arms and pulled her tremulous body next to his, soothingly rubbing her back. She buried her face in his chest, sobbing.

"It's okay Robin, I've got you." 


	78. Chapter 85

**Chapter 85**

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else can cure me

Mac held his shuddering niece in his arms as he gently rubbed her back. He was amazed it had taken her this long to allow herself to feel the full effects of Patrick's illness. Having experienced loss and disappointment at such an early age, he knew his niece had become an expert at delaying her feelings to get through whatever hurdle was in front of her. He remembered with almost painful clarity the day she told him she had tested positive for HIV. She was still a teenager and the first love of her life had just days left to live. She broke the news to him with a poise belying her young years and then apologized as though she had done something wrong. For as long as he had known her his remarkable niece had always done what needed to be done. But nomatter how many times a person dodged and weaved, their feelings would always find them.

"You're okay Robin" he soothed. "You're okay."

Slowly pulling away from the safety of his embrace, she swiped at the tears on her cheeks. "I'm sorry" she said quietly. "I don't...I'm not sure what happened to me."

"Robin this has been a hugely stressful time for you and I would have been more surprised if this had not happened than if it did."

"But I've seen patients before - people looking worse than him." She shook her head in disbelief at her reaction.

"He's not a patient."

Mac and Robin both looked up as Noah joined them in the hall.

"Noah - I am so sorry for-"

He held up his hand, interrupting her. "Robin - all the medical training in the world can't erase the heartache of seeing someone you love, looking like that."

"I just thought I would be stronger"

"Oh Robin," Mac sighed. "Your strength is never in doubt."

"And being strong" Noah added, "doesn't mean being numb to your feelings. If it did, I would be Hercules," he told her with a shy smile.

Robin smiled in spite of herself. "I guess I just wasn't ready" she offered. "Not to see him like that. And looking at him lying there I started to wonder if he - do you think he knows how much we love him? I told hm and I tried to show him as often as I could but do you think he really knows?"

Noah took the young woman's hand in his own and looked at her intently. "Robin - my son is crazy in love with you and he knows that you love him. There may be a lot of things he questions in his life but your feelings for him aren't one of them."

Her tears started anew and she frustratedly wiped them away. "He wrote me a beautiful letter" she said hoarsely. "And it made me think that I've never written him a letter like that. And I'm wishing I had."

"You still could" Mac suggested. "You could write him one and give it to him when he wakes up."

Exhaling slowly, she rubbed her hand over her bedraggled hair. "This is harder than I thought."

"It always is" Noah said, extending his hand. "So, what do you think? Ready to go back in?"

She nodded. Mac kissed her cheek. "I'm going to take a wander to the cafeteria and stretch my legs. Call me if you need me, okay sweetheart?"

Throwing her arms around him, she hugged him tightly. "I love you Uncle Mac. Thank you for being here to catch me."

"Always" he reminded her. "I will always catch you."

Robin reached for Noah's outstretched hand and let him lead her back into Patrick's room. She touched her fingers to the necklace that lay nestled against the hollow of her neck and smiled. The claddagh didn't only represent his feelings for her, to her it was very much an expression of who he was.

Dropping Noah's hand, she moved to the head of his bed and gently placed her hand over his heart. Dipping her head, she kissed his cheek. "You write a pretty good love letter Patrick Drake" she whispered. "And I love you."

She half expected his eyes to open and for him to answer her with some flip remark but when none was forthcoming she pulled a chair to his bedside and sank down into it. Tucking her legs up underneath her, she slid her hand inside of his and bringing it to her lips, kissed it. It felt good to hold his hand again. To feel the warmth of his skin against hers and in her heart she believed that this was the beginning of the road back.

Flopping into the chair on the other side of his bed, Noah sighed heavily. He understood Robin's reaction at seeing Patrick for the first time. The moment he spotted the ventilator tube in his son's mouth, he thought his heart would stop beating. He looked at him and saw the little boy with the curious nature and the adventurous spirit. He saw the determined teenager taking advanced classes, looking for a challenge. But mostly he saw the result of a great love - the last tangible reminder of a magical time in his life. Seeing his son in such a fragile state served only to remind him of precarious everything in life was and that he had let precious minutes, days and years slip by. He dragged his hand through his hair and hoped that somehow by having his son forgive him, he could learn to forgive himself.

"He blew up his bedroom once," Noah said breaking the silence.

Robin did a double take. "Pardon?"

Noah chuckled at the memory. "He was eight. He wanted to make a functional volcano for his science fair project. Mattie and I bought everything we needed but told him not to work on it unless we were around."

"He didn't listen to you?"

"Not a chance," he laughed. "And of course being a Drake man, he decided that bigger was better. He got a large container and dumped all the ingredients in it but decided to triple the recipe."

"Oh no" Robin groaned, her hand covering her mouth.

"Oh yes. Mattie was in the garden and she heard this small boom. She dropped everything and came running into the house thinking something had gone terribly wrong. She got to Patrick's room and he was sitting in the middle of his floor, surrounded by suds and papers all over the place."

She looked at her boyfriend and smiled. "You were a badass even then, weren't you? How did you punish him?" Robin asked.

"Opera" he grinned. "We had season tickets to the Met and for three months we made him put on a suit and go to the opera. Mattie..." his voice hitched. That was the problem with memories, they brought both joy and pain at the same time. He had never stopped missing his wife and wasn't sure he had ever missed her more than at this moment right now. "Mattie loved opera - was very knowledgeable about it. So Patrick got quite an education in it."

"He must have been so happy when the three months were up."

"Actually," Noah smiled, "he liked it. It became a regular date - just him and his mom mostly. I would join them when work permitted. He knows almost every major opera and when he was 16, we took him to Italy for his birthday. We surprised him with tickets to Tosca at La Scala."

Robin's eyes widened in shock. "He...but he always told me he hated opera. We went once and it was like pulling teeth to get him to go. He joked he was going to fall asleep during it."

"Did he?"

She shook her head. "No" she replied softly. "He seemed captivated by it. I thought it was new discovery for him - I had no idea that...what it meant for him"

"Well Sport," he said teasingly. "Looks like I blew your cover, try not to be too mad. You'll have to take Robin to the Met when you're back on your feet."

Robin leaned forward in the chair, stroking her fingertips along his brow. "I'm going to add it to our list" she told him softly.

"Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt." Noah and Robin both turned towards the door where a young nurse was standing.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Doctor Smitherman asked that we give these to you" she said, entering the room. She handed them each a blanket and a pillow. "He thought you might need them."

They accepted them gratefully and each curled into their chair. The long night's journey into day was not yet over.

xxxxxxx

Standing in the entrance of his apartment, surveying the strewn furniture and remnants from the paramedics, he exhaustedly rubbed his hand over his face. There was no place he could go that did not hold some reminder that his friend was fighting for his life and that much of Patrick's success in that fight was dependant on him.

Alexis stood beside him and gently rubbed her hand in small circles along his lower back. They had said little in the short cab ride from the hospital to the apartment but he had held tightly to her hand the entire time. He needed her – she knew he did – and she was going to make sure she didn't let him down. Leading him to the couch, she gently pushed him down.

"I should clean that up" he said, looking at the misplaced coffee table and the knocked over chairs.

"Eric, you're exhausted and those chairs aren't going anywhere. We can clean it up tomorrow. All I want you to do is sit here and relax until I get back."

His blue eyes widened with worry. "Wh-where are you going?"

She brushed her hand across his cheek, smiling. "I'm just going upstairs for a minute and I'll be back down to get you."

Arching his eyebrow up, he gave her a curious look. "I'm almost afraid to ask."

"Trust me" she asked him softly.

Gazing intently at her, he nodded. "I do."

He watched as she disappeared up the stairs before leaning his head back on the couch and closing his eyes. Though he was not sure where things stood between the two of them, she was offering to take care of him and he was going to let her. The morning after he had stormed out of the apartment Patrick had flooded his voice mail with messages. In his tired, raspy voice he had told him that he was being a jerk, that he needed cut people some slack but mostly he needed to not quit. There was nothing more frustrating than having your advice thrown back at you when you least wanted to hear it.

Feeling Alexis' hand on his shoulder, he snapped open his eyes. She held her hand out to him. "Come with me" she commanded kindly.

Eric's hand engulfed hers as she pulled him from the couch and led him up the stairs. Turning right towards the bathroom he gave her a quizzical look but said nothing. She pulled him in to the bathroom, shutting the door behind them and quickly pulled his scrub top from him.

"You're undressing me?"

Unable to help herself, Alexis swept her hand across his bare chest and nodded. "It's easier to take a bath naked than it is clothed," she teased.

Whipping his head around, he saw the large roman tub was filled with steaming water. "A bath?"

"A bath" she answered as she tugged his scrubs pants down his legs while he stepped out of them. Spotting his boxers covered in images of Kermit the Frog, she glanced up and him, grinning as his skin blushed from his neck to the tip of his head.

"They're my…uh…they're my lucky boxers," he offered in embarrassment.

"Interesting," she mused. "But lucky or not, they still have to come off." Hooking her fingers in the waist band, she pulled them down his long, lean legs and tossed them on to the pile of clothes.

She could feel the heat rising in her body as he stood, unabashedly, in front of her.

"I'm naked" he told her.

"Yes you are" she answered thickly.

His skin was always lightly bronzed and his broad shoulders, narrow hips and his lean but defined muscles were enough to make her weak in the knees. She unconsciously licked her lips.

As he stepped into the tub, he looked at her over his shoulder. "You aren't going to make me sit here by myself are you?" He groaned as the hot water started to unknot his fatigued muscles.

Giving him a feline smile, she shook her head. Making quick work of her clothes and adding them to the pile, she stepped toward the tub. He moved towards the back of the tub to make room for her, but putting a hand on his shoulder, she slipped in behind him. Sliding her arms around him, she gently ran her hands over his chest trying to release some of his tension.

She smiled as he melted against her and sank further into the water. His head lolled against her shoulder as his hands gently caressed her legs.

"You know, in all the years I've lived here I think I've only ever taken two baths."

Her curiosity got the better of her as she kneaded his tight shoulders. "Alone?"

Tilting his head back, he looked up at her and smiled shyly. "You're…you're the first person I've been with in a very long time."

She pressed her lips to the soft patch of skin just under his ear and kissed him tenderly. "Your neck and shoulders are a wreck"

He nodded as she continued to work the knots. "I swear I gripped every instrument like my life depended on it," he scoffed lightly. "I guess in a way it did."

"Were you scared?"

He shook his head. "Not scared but worried. The tiniest of movements in the wrong direction and I can change the course of his life forever."

"Doesn't that hold true for every surgery though?"

"Yeah," he agreed. "But Patrick….I need him. I'm not that close to my family any more and he's pretty much all I have."

"What happened with your family?"

She had a hard time reconciling what he told her with the photos of his brothers and sisters and parents placed throughout the apartment. She had even spotted an "Uncle's Brag Book" on his nightstand one night.

"I got cancer" he said simply. "My parents were incredibly supportive at first – even when Karen and I broke up, they were great. But the sicker I got, the harder it was on them. There was a good four or five weeks where it really looked like I wasn't going to make it. My mom couldn't handle it so she flew home. My dad didn't understand it – he was an athlete and believed that if you were mentally strong enough, you could get through anything."

Alexis exhaled slowly, "But that….you hadn't pulled a hamstring, you were sick."

He nodded. "Look my parents love me, I know they do but illness changes people and it changes your relationships. I mean, I worry about Patrick and Robin because even in the best case scenario with minimal side effects, Patrick is still going to be very different than who he was."

"How did you change?" she prodded gently.

He shrugged. "I…uh…I can't have kids and so I threw myself into my work. I developed a new technique for a certain type of microsurgery and it was written about in the major journals. I spent more than a year presenting the technique at conferences and med schools. I was a bit of neurosurgical rock star for a short period."

Chuckling, Alexis kissed his shoulder. "That's amazing."

"Yeah, well," his tone took a bitter turn. "When my parents talk about me to their neighbours or friends, it's not 'my son the doctor' it's 'my son, the one who can't have kids.'"

"Oh Eric" she sighed sympathetically.

"It is what it is. Patrick didn't care about any of that shit and he had his own baggage – so we became family."

Alexis said little else but continued to stroke his skin. As the water cooled, she slipped from behind him and pulled two towels from the cupboard. She wrapped one around herself before holding the other one open to him.

He smiled tiredly as he rose for the tub. Rivulets of water beaded against his skin as he walked to her, allowing her to wrap the towel around his hips. She took his hand and led him to his bedroom where she pulled the covers back and motioned for him to get in.

Obediently, he crawled under the covers to the far side of the bed. "You're staying, right?"

"Yes" she told him, smiling as she clambered into bed with him.

Gathering her in his arms, he brushed his mouth against hers, nipping at her lips before finally fastening his mouth over hers in a languid, passionate kiss.

"I'm glad you're here" he told her as he reluctantly pulled his mouth away.

"Me too." Seeing his eyes droop with fatigue she brushed her hand over his eyelids. "Go to sleep Eric." Too tired to do anything else, he tangled his legs through hers and fell almost immediately into a deep sleep.

She stared at him for several minutes, watching the way his full lips parted ever so slightly as he slept and the way his stubby black lashes contrasted against his cheek. Content in his arms and relieved at having been forgiven, sleep finally overtook her as well.

Blindly reaching the night stand he had no idea how long he had been asleep or how long his phone had been buzzing. Eyes still closed, he finally put his hand on it and flipped the phone open.

"What?" he barked. Alexis sleepily raised her head from the pillow as he listened to the caller. "Okay. They are not to do anything until I get there. I'll be there in 20 minutes."

Kicking the covers back, he sprang from the bed and pulled on a pair of jeans.

"Eric?" Alexis asked rubbing the slumber from her eyes. "What is it?"

"It's Patrick. He's awake." 


	79. Chapter 86

**Chapter 86**

I have climbed highest mountains  
I have run through the fields  
Only to be with you

Robin's eyes fluttered open and as she blinked the sleep away she cast a quick glance around the room. Stretching quietly, she readjusted her blanket around her legs and reached for Patrick's hand again.

"You haven't been asleep for very long" Noah told her quietly, "maybe you should try for a little longer?" he suggested as he closed over the book he was holding.

Robin shook her head. "I've slept as much as I'm going to." She peered at him. "Have you even slept at all?"

He smiled wryly. "I'm a tough old guy."

"Uh-huh" She smiled warmly. "I didn't know you wore glasses – they look good on you."

He blushed slightly at the compliment. "Only for reading."

"Is it a good book?" she asked, nodding to the black leather bound book in his hands.

Noah exhaled quietly as his gaze dropped to his lap for a moment. "It's…I…I've been keeping a journal" he replied shyly.

"Does it help?"

"Some days."

"How are you doing Noah? You've spent a lot of time worrying about Patrick and even me but are you okay?"

Pulling his glasses from his face, he pinched the bridge of his nose. How he was doing was all relative. It very much depended on the day, the hour and the minute. He had been waiting to be overwhelmed with an urge to drink. As he had hastily boarded a plane from Port Charles to New York, he had called his sponsor and promised to check in with him as the urge hit. But it never did. He couldn't explain it but unlike so many other times in his life, his tongue was not sliding along the back of his teeth trying to ferret out even a hint of alcohol. His mind was not occupied, every waking minute, with reminders of how good and smooth a few fingers of bourbon would taste. He didn't want a drink.

He wanted his wife.

In the decade since her death he had gone in search of a numbness that was not possible to find. As he sobered up he was left to deal with the feelings he had tried to outrun and thought he had until now. But every step of his son's journey through this illness had only intensified the feelings of loss he had.

"I'm doing okay all things considered," he finally replied. "And you? Everything is as it should be?" he asked pointedly.

Robin smiled. "Yes. I had an appointment the day before I came up here and have been given a clean bill of health."

"I'm glad" he told her sincerely. "You're very important Robin and I don't want anything to happen to you."

"Thank you."

It had been a strange journey that brought her to the Drake men and she marvelled at how the universe had a way of pushing people down pathways whose destination was unclear but once arrived at made perfect sense. She had come home to save her old love and in trying to do so found a new one – a complete one. And with him came another man whose dignity and struggle to do the right thing regardless the cost had, at times, served as a guide for her.

It had only been a year but she had difficulty imagining her life without them in it. And while Patrick and Noah had both told her what a miracle she had been for them, they had been the same to her. In them she found two people who accepted her as she was. They did not beat her over her head with a litany of her mistakes or failings; they did not hold her responsible for their choices. They took her as they found her and that was an enormous gift to someone who had not always experienced that.

Patrick's fingers twitched inside her hand and she looked quickly to his face but saw no change. She could not think of another occasion in her life when she had been as impatient as she was now for him to wake up. She wanted to see his eyes – they were a rich brown with tiny flecks of gold and though she thought it too cheesy to say out loud to anyone else, she was sure they sparkled. She wanted him to wake up so that he could see he wasn't alone – that his deepest fear had been averted. He was not left to his own devices to sort it out but rather he was surrounded by those who loved him. During one of their many late night conversations, where darkened rooms allowed for an honesty that daylight did not, he had confided in her that one of the reasons he was afraid of love was because he did not believe he could trust it or count on it. If he opened his eyes he would see, just as she promised, that he could believe in it.

She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on surrounding him with good energy, with loving thoughts. And tried to reassure herself that she could handle anything that may come their way when he finally did wake up.

"Robin"

The urgency to Noah's voice caused her eyes to fly open. He nodded to Patrick and slowly turning her head, she saw his eyes flutter and struggle to open. Her breath quickened and her heart hammered against her ribs as his arms and legs all started to twitch slowly.

She closed both her hands over his and rubbed it soothingly as she looked on anxiously.

Noah pushed off his blanket and went to the head of the bed. He tenderly stroked his son's face hoping that the soothing touches from both him and Robin would help reduce his anxiety as he came out of the anaesthetic. Regardless of what he did or did not remember as the fog lifted, the presence of the ventilator would be jarring and he didn't want him to panic.

"You're okay Patty" he said quietly. "You're okay."

Getting out of her chair, Robin stood on the other side of his bed and bringing his hand to her mouth, softly kissed it. His brown eyes suddenly sprang open and he blinked several times trying to adjust to the low lighting in the room. He struggled slightly against the tube in his throat and Robin swept her hand across his chest to reassure him.

"It's the vent Patrick – just relax, okay?"

His eyes locked on Robin's and widened in shock. She smiled comfortingly at him, doing her best to quell his rising fears. Feeling a touch on his shoulder, he slowly moved his eyes to the other side of the bed to where Noah was standing.

"I'm going to call Eric and I'll be right back, okay Sport?"

"Noah," Robin called to him as he headed for the door. "Don't you want to check him out yourself?"

With a small regretful smile he shook his head. "No. I'll let his doctor do that. And," he added, "I think you should do the same."

Taking his meaning, she nodded and turned her attention back to her boyfriend. She tenderly stroked his cheek with her fingertips, smiling as she touched the stubble. "You need a shave," she told him softly. "I can probably help you out with that."

His eyes, droopy and tired, remained fixed on hers as his tongue swiped uselessly at his cracked, dry lips. Turning around, she moved to get her purse and was shocked at the strength in his hand as he tugged her back to him.

"I'm not leaving," she reassured him. "I'm just going to get some lip balm to put on your lips, okay?"

She waited as he blinked several times and then slowly let go of her hand. Quickly pulling her purse from the floor, she fished through it until she found what she was looking for. Popping off the cap, she dragged her finger along the balm and carefully rubbed it against his lips.

"Don't you worry," she told him as she continued to apply the balm. "We'll have your lips being soft and kissable in no time." She smiled with a mixture of relief and hope as he touched her leg. "I love you," she reminded him. "Very, very much."

His eyes grew heavy and unable to fight it any longer, he drifted back to sleep. Robin, still holding his hand, sank back into her chair and sighed. It was a good sign. Or so she hoped. But there would be no way of knowing all the impact for a while yet.

Unaware she had drifted off, she was surprised when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Looking up she saw Eric smiling down at her.

"Hey" she greeted him sleepily.

"Hey yourself."

"He seemed to know me" she offered, cutting right to the chase.

"Well we're about to find out. You and Noah may prefer to wait outside while I check him out."

"Not a chance," she replied quickly.

"I'm with Robin on this one," Noah added, back on the other side of the bed.

Eric smirked. "I didn't think so but wanted to put it out there. So here's the deal, I'm going to ask him a bunch of questions and you are not to encourage him or help him in any way. I don't want him covering or masking in an effort to please either of you."

The corners of Robin's mouth twitched upwards in a smile. "You really are quite bossy," she teased lightly.

"You have no idea," he replied with a wink.

Walking to the head of the bed, he rubbed his closed fist over Patrick's chest to rouse him. "Patrick. Patrick wake up please."

His long lashes flickered briefly before his eyes pried open. He stared at Eric for several seconds before blinking.

"Nice to see you buddy" he told him, hoping his voice sounded less shaky than it felt. "We did the surgery and removed the tumour." He slid his fingers inside Patrick's hand. "I want you to squeeze my fingers as hard as you can, okay?"

Eric was relieved at the relative strength he felt in both hands. "Remember the rules for blinking communications? One blink for yes, two blinks for no." Patrick blinked once. "Good. I'm going to ask you a couple of questions and I want you to answer them – don't worry if it's right or wrong. Your name is Patrick Drake?"

One blink.

"The woman sitting beside you is Miranda Thomsen?"

Two blinks.

"She is Robin Scorpio?"

One blink.

"The man standing beside you is my father?"

Two blinks.

"Your father?"

One blink.

"Are you in Port Charles?"

There was a long pause and everyone held their breath as Patrick contemplated his answer. Finally, after what felt like an interminable wait, he blinked twice.

"Good work Pantsy. Listen, you are going to be in and out of it for the next several hours. I'm going to keep you on the vent for 12 more hours and then we'll remove it." He smiled sympathetically as his friend's eyes widened and he tried to give a small shake of his head.

"I know it sucks" he agreed, "but we need to be sure, okay?"

Patrick blinked once.

"Once we get the vent out, we're going to get you on your feet and take a short walk in the hallway to test the rest of your large motor skills. I will see you later this morning."

As he turned to move away, Patrick's hand flew around his wrist. Turning back to the bed, he grinned as his friend gave him an imploring look. "Welcome back."  
Patrick blinked once as he let go of his friend's wrist. Gingerly turning his head ever so slightly in Robin's direction, he patted the space on the bed beside him.

Robin inhaled sharply and looked up hopefully at Eric.

He gave a small nod. "Be careful but sure –why not?"

Untucking her legs she rose to her feet and threw her arms around Eric, hugging him closely. "Thank you" she whispered. "For all of it."

He kissed the top of her head. "I'll see you later." He gave a quick wave to his friend, relieved at the results so far and headed out to the hallway.

Noah squeezed his son's hand and gently tapped his face. "You did so well Patrick. I'm just going to talk to Eric and I'll be back, okay?"

He blinked and squeezed his father's hand.

As the door closed behind Noah, Robin carefully pulled back the covers to Patrick's bed and tentatively climbed in beside him. She placed her hand on his chest as she stared into his tired eyes.

"I'm so glad you're okay" she told him in a serrated breath. "I'm so glad."

She was ready to melt against him safe in the knowledge that he was going to be okay. He stared at her while, with some difficulty, he moved his fingers lightly against her back. At first she was unsure his intent but then smiled as she felt his message.

With a shaky finger he drew an I, then a heart and then a u.

Her eyes filled with tears as she pressed her hand to his cheek. "I love you too" she whispered. 


	80. Chapter 87

**Chapter 87**

Let me be the calm you seek

Sweeping her hand across his chest, Robin shook her head in disbelief. "You should be sleeping," she admonished kindly.

He blinked twice.

After she had crawled in to his bed and he finally got to feel her in his arms again, he did not want to sleep again. He was afraid that if he closed his eyes when he woke up, she would be gone. He was struggling, due to the medication flowing through his body, to figure out what was real and what was not. He was sure he was awake – the exhausted look on his father's face, the strain on Eric's and the unabashed hopefulness on Robin's all rang true to him. But if he wasn't awake and he closed his eyes it could all be gone and he wasn't willing to let go just yet.

He tentatively threaded his fingers through Robin's hair, letting its soft silkiness flow through like rain water. It had been so long since he had touched her, since he had felt her warmth against him that his body ached for her.

"Are you in pain?" she asked, searching his eyes for hints to how he was really feeling.

He blinked twice.

It was impossible for him to tell if it was her presence, the medication or the residual effects of the anaesthetic but he felt as though he was floating. The last few days were clear in his mind and he remembered the pain from that almost as though he was reliving it. His throat had been sore and raw from the feeding tube, his bones had ached as though nails had been driven through them and his headaches were blinding in their intensity. But now there was none and he finally felt as though it might be okay to hope.

He glanced out the window of his room and saw his father standing there, watching him. His father looked exhausted. And old. And as though he was seeing him for the first time, he finally understood the toll everything had taken on him; that as if watching your wife slip painfully away wasn't enough, you were the last one to hold her life in your hands and couldn't save her. A decade of self-punishment and self-loathing later you are forced to repeat your worst nightmare with your child. He didn't know how his father was still standing. There was no way he would be.

Suddenly overwhelmed by an enormous sadness for the distress he had inflicted on both Noah and Robin, his eyes overflowed with tears and they trickled down his cheeks.

Sitting up, Robin wiped them away. "Patrick? Baby, it's okay. You're okay."

Faced with her innate goodness and reassurances only further drove home the recognition of how badly he had hurt her. With tears flowing, he began to gurgle and rasp against the tube in his throat. He wanted to pull it out so he could tell her how sorry he was, tell her that he should never have left her. His right hand flew to his face and tugged at the tape holding the tube in place. His legs started to shake as he was besieged with panic.

Robin closed her hand over his. "Patrick, no. Don't pull at the tape. What's wrong?"

His eyes darted around the room wildly as his heart monitor beeped with increasing intensity. Perhaps he was dead, he thought. Maybe this was his punishment for his mistakes – that he would be in a room with Robin but not be able to tell her how sorry he was. That his father who he had pushed away for so long was now completely out of reach.

She could feel his terror rising and was at a loss to figure out the cause. Rubbing her hand across his chest in a slow, rhythmic pattern she tried to soothe him but it was having little effect.

"Patrick, look at me" she commanded. His gaze turned to her and she took a deep breath. "You are okay. Everything is okay."

He started to shake his head and winced as the movement shot pain through his body. Yet again he tried to pull the tape on his face.

Noah pushed open the door. "I'm going to get Eric" he told her before sprinting down the hall.

"Patrick, you can't take the tape off. You need to keep the tube in for a few more hours."

His eyes were as wide as saucers as he moved about in the bed. He needed to talk to her. He had to tell her how sorry he was. Tears gushed down his cheeks as he clawed at the tube.

The door to the room flew open as Eric raced in to the room with Noah trailing behind him. Pulling a syringe from his pocket, he injected it in to his i.v. before turning his attention to his patient. Robin was trying to hold his hands down but it was proving to be a losing battle as he fought against her.

Leaning over him, Eric took hold of Patrick's wrists and held them until the sedative kicked in. Feeling Patrick's muscles give in to the medication he carefully let them go and placed them by his side. He carefully inspected the bandages on his head and gently readjusted the tape on his cheeks.

"He's okay – he didn't pop any stitches or do any damage." He turned to Robin who was looking suddenly very pale. "Are you okay?"

Sliding off the bed, she nodded. "I just… he was fine one minute and then became really panicked. I tried to talk him down but he was too upset."

Eric nodded. "This is to be expected" he reminded them both. "Agitation is not unusual in post-op patients with a vent, especially those coming out of neurosurgery. His thought process is going to be all over the map and the medication doesn't necessarily help that."

"I know" Robin agreed. "It's just…"

"Everything was fine and then it wasn't" Noah finished for her.

He was equally shaken by his son's reactions. It had not gone unnoticed by him that it happened as Patrick had made eye contact with him and he wondered if his son was suddenly reminded of all the ways he had failed him and was yet again awash in anger.

The young doctor smiled sympathetically. "I know I'm not telling you guys stuff that you don't already know but I want to say it anyways. We all want Patrick to have turned the corner and to be okay and right now we have no reason to believe he hasn't but it's still a long way from where he is right now back to the person he was. Be hopeful but be patient." He looked at both of them and saw the exhaustion etched on their faces. "And I think it's time that both of you went and slept in a bed."

"I'm not leaving him" Robin stated defiantly.

"Me either" Noah added.

"I can set you up in one of the on call rooms with a promise to wake you when he does. But with what I just gave him, he's going to be out for a few hours."

"Eric-" Robin interrupted.

"Robin – it's a long road ahead and he is going to need both of you to be healthy and strong to help him. A few hours of real sleep in a real bed is a good place to start."

"I agree"

Robin turned and smirked as she saw Mac leaning in the doorway. "Your timing is impeccable" she groused good naturedly.

"It's my spidey sense" he teased. "And Eric is right. You need some rest – both of you do" he added looking over at Noah.

Noah looked to Robin and smiled. "I think we've been told."

"Looks that way."

"Good. I'll go get a room set up and be back to take you there." He smiled at them as he exited the room.

Mac walked to where his niece was standing and wrapped his arms around her. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm okay" she said quietly. "I'm just feeling a little shaky right now."

"I can sit with Patrick while you're both sleeping" he offered. "Just in case he wakes up."

Noah smiled gratefully. "That….that would be very kind of you"

Mac gave him a small nod, from one parent to another.

Turning in his arms, Robin looked at her uncle and shook her head. "Have I mentioned lately how lucky I am to have you in my life?"

"Back at ya kiddo"

As the nurse arrived to escort them to the room, Robin kissed Patrick on his cheek. "Dream only good things" she whispered. "And I'll do the same. I love you."

xxxxx

Eric blew out his cheeks as he pushed open the door to his office. There was nothing in Patrick's behaviour that was unusual or a cause for concern but that did little to lessen how difficult it was to see him like that. He worried that all of them, Patrick, Robin and Noah were hovering precariously near the edge of a cliff and if one fell off, they all would.

"Hungry?"

He looked up in surprise, his face breaking into a wide smile as he saw Alexis sitting on his couch. Closing over the door he crossed the office and sat down next to her, stealing a quick kiss.

"This is the best surprise ever," he told her.

"It occurred to me this morning that you never ate last night and you must be famished. If I were a good girlfriend I would have cooked you something but my cooking is listed by the UN as a weapon of mass destruction. So I bought bagels and coffee."

Eric grinned. "What did you just say?"

She furrowed her brow. "I'm not sure that I could repeat all that again."

"I don't want to hear all of it – just the part where you called yourself my girlfriend."

Alexis cupped his cheek with her hand and nipped at his mouth. "I'm your girlfriend" she whispered. "If that's what you want."

"I want" he nodded.

"Good," she smiled. "Then as your girlfriend I get to be bossy." Picking up a piece of bagel, she held it to his lips. "Now eat."

He gratefully accepted the food as he leaned back against the couch. He tiredly ran his hand along her leg.

"How is everyone doing?" she asked.

"As well as can be expected" he answered, laughing as she took advantage of his open mouth to feed him more bagel.

"Including Patrick?"

He nodded. "Yeah. It's not easy, this part but he's doing okay."

"And you?"

He slid his arm around her waist and pulled her flush against him. "I'm really, really glad you're here."

She threaded her fingers through his hair. "I have to go home in a few hours. It's Parents' Night at Kristina's school and I promised her I would go. I know it's bad timing-"

He silenced her with a kiss. "No, not at all. I don't want you missing stuff to be with me. You'll never know what it meant to me to have you here but your kids come first."

"I can be back on the weekend" she offered. "The girls are going to be with their fathers."

Dipping his head, he nuzzled her neck taking comfort in the feel of her skin. "I'd like that." He ran his thumb along her lower lip. "And I'd like to take you on a date."

"A date? What would we do on this date?" she asked teasingly.

"Hmmm. Well, I think we would start with a long, luxurious dinner. Sitting in a quiet booth – maybe at Bar American? Then I would take you to my favourite dessert place. They make the best cupcakes."

"Cupcakes?"

He nodded. "Cupcakes are the perfect food. The icing on them is a mile high but light as a feather. The cake is homemade and melts in your mouth." The rich timbre of his voice sent shivers through her body. "And then I would take you home."

"Oh?" she arched a perfectly groomed eyebrow. "And what would we do there?"

Eric kissed her gently, sliding his tongue inside the velvety softness of her mouth. She moaned as he deepened the kiss, pulling her onto his lap. Her heart beat wildly in her chest as she knew without a doubt that she was falling for him in a way she had not fallen before.

The vibrating of his beeper caused them to pull apart as he smiled regretfully. "Duty calls."

"Okay," she nodded, chewing on her bottom lip. "Promise you'll call me when you get a chance? I'd like to know that everyone, including you, is still okay."

"I promise" he told her huskily, stealing one more kiss before she slid from his lap. He gave her a small wave as he left his office.

xxxx

"I'm not going to tell you that you can't be in there when I extubate him," Eric said looking at Robin and Noah. "But I will tell you it would be my preference that you weren't."

Robin shook her head. "No disrespect Eric but I'm going to be there."

He looked over at Noah.

"Me too."

"Okay" he acquiesced. "Let's go."

It had been six hours since Patrick had been sedated. Eric had reviewed the post-op films looking for any anomaly that would give some indication of what to expect when he woke up. He found none but could not decide whether to be relieved or worried.

Having been told that Patrick was waking up, he had gone to wake Noah and Robin who despite earlier protests were both sound asleep when he got to them.

He held the door open for both of them before following them into the room. His nurse stood off to the side waiting for his instructions. He touched his friend's shoulder and watched as he opened his eyes – still groggy but aware.

"How would you like to get that tube out of your throat?"

Patrick blinked once.

"Okay. We're going to pull you to a sitting position and I need you to exhale – really hard – while I extubate. Ready?"

With assistance from the nurse, they sat him up and on Eric's count gently pulled the tube as Patrick blew out his cheeks. He gasped and gagged as the last remaining inches of tube left his throat and then laid back against his pillows.

He greedily sucked on the ice cubes that Eric placed against his lips and kept his eyes locked on Robin. Raising his hand slightly he held it out to her, smiling as best he could.

Unable to hold back any longer, Robin bounded to him entwining her fingers through his. Leaning in, she tenderly kissed his swollen lips. "I have missed you" she whispered to him.

Patrick swallowed the melted ice and looked at her. "Mo jess you roo"

The room fell eerily silent. He looked from Robin to his father to Eric before turning back to Robin.

"Mhat peens?" His brown eyes widened with fear as he read the expressions on their faces.

"Shit" Noah hissed under his breath.

Robin smiled gamely. "Just take a deep breath Patrick. Your words are just a little jumbled." Following her advice, and gripping tightly to her hand, he took one deep breath after another.

Opening his mouth to speak again, he found no words would come. 


	81. Chapter 88

**Chapter 88**

Felt the healing in her fingertips

Patrick closed his eyes and took a long, slow breath. Opening them, he looked from his father, to his friend and then to Robin.

"I feel okay," he told them. "My head is still fuzzy but I feel okay."

Their expressions remained unchanged and he could feel his heart racing as panic started to creep in. He turned to his father and looked at him imploringly.

"Dad. I made it – I'm okay."

Seeing his father's eyes well with tears, he slammed his fists down on in the bed in frustration. How could they not understand him? He turned his gaze to Robin as she covered his hand with her own.

"Patrick," she called to him softly. "Your words are mixed up and we can't understand you."

He clenched his eyes shut. When he opened his mouth to speak again, he found he could not make a noise. Swallowing thickly, he motioned to the cup of ice cubes, hoping that all he needed was a little lubrication in his throat and his speech would once again flow easily.

As Noah pressed the ice chips to his lips, he tried to reassure his father with a look but the sadness in his father's eyes told him that his message was not getting through. As he moved away, Patrick frantically grabbed his hand. He tried again to speak but could not make any noise.

Noah gently touched his free hand to Patrick's cheek. "Patty" he said softly. "Don't stress yourself. We will get this sorted out. All that matters right now is that you came through surgery."

Finally finding his voice, he spoke. "Did you get my letter?"

He wanted to ensure that his father knew he had forgiven him. And though he had done a poor job of showing it, that he loved him. The sad shake of Noah's head told him that he was still incomprehensible. Frustration and panic boiled up inside him and he started to tremble.

Eric, who until this point had been leaning against the wall observing everything, finally stepped forward.

"I'd like to speak to both of you in the hallway please," he told Noah and Robin. "And then Pantsy, I'll be back in to chat with you –okay?"

Patrick blinked once.

He closed his eyes as Robin brushed her lips over his. The sensation of her lips against his made him want to freeze time and just stay like that. He had no idea how he had gone so long without kissing her, touching her, being with her but in the part of his brain where he could find clarity, he knew that he never wanted to be without it again.

"I'll be back in a minute" she told him.

He searched her eyes for evidence of suppressed feelings but saw only determination and love in them. That alone softened the panic he was feeling. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply as they exited his room.

xxxx

"I'm going to give him a full neuro exam along with new film-"

"To see if there are pieces of the tumour left?" Noah asked.

"You mean pieces I missed" he corrected. "Yes. And I want to get him up on his feet for a short walk around his room."

"I think his motor skills are fine" Robin offered, thinking back to the message he traced on her back.

"All the same," he answered tightly, "we need to check everything out. I'd like the two of you to go for a walk, go get some breakfast or something and I'll let you know when it's over."

Robin folded her arms across her chest and glared at him. "No" she told him simply. "We are going to be here every step of the way with him."

She was not going to be moved from his side. Patrick needed her, now more than ever. If he couldn't speak, he would need an advocate and she would be that for him. She would speak for him if he couldn't speak for himself. He had done the very same for her when she needed it. When she was falling to pieces after April Gilbert's death he had stayed with her – even when she pushed him away. He was her advocate – not to doctors or caregivers but to herself. He made sure she didn't get lost in herself.

"That wasn't a request" he shot back.

"Tough."

Exhaling slowly, he rubbed his hand over his face. "Robin, I need to examine him and I can't do that while he's frustrated and agitated that he can't communicate with either of you."

"You don't think he's frustrated being unable to communicate with you?" she challenged hotly.

"He's not trying to reassure me," he replied, his temper rising.

Noah, who had said little to this point, gently placed his hand on Robin's shoulder. "Robin, we need to let Eric do his job. We are all doctors but he is Patrick's doctor and we need to give him the room to do that."

"I'm not trying to get in his way."

"I know you aren't" he told her. "But this is what he's asking and so we need to give it to him. So long as Eric understands," he added, turning his attention to the young doctor, "that we will be kept in the loop at all times."

"Of course" he agreed quietly, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"Do you think you're going to have to go back in?" Noah asked, straining to keep the worry from his voice.

"Pretty sure but I won't make a final decision until I get the films." Looking back over his shoulder, he saw Patrick staring at them. "I'm going to head in. Give us about an hour or so and then come back." He gave a curt nod before heading back into the room.

Noah looked at his son's girlfriend and slid an arm around her shoulders. "You okay?"

"I will be when he is" she answered staring through the window.

"Where is your Uncle?"

"He had to fly back to Port Charles this afternoon but extracted a promise I would call him every day."

"And you will" he told her kindly.

Looking up at him, she smiled gratefully. "And I will."

Having closed the door behind him, Eric then did the same to the blinds. Walking to his friend's bed side, he lightly touched his shoulder. "Patrick?"

His eyes flew open and he opened his mouth to reply, groaning as he could not form any words.

"Hey – don't strain yourself, okay? I want to examine you, get you up for a short walk and get some new films. We're going to find out what's causing this and fix it. I promise"

Eric put him through his paces, checking his reflexes and reactions and sensitivity to pain and light. After nearly 20 minutes, he pulled his covers back. "Ready to stand up?"

Too tired to try and speak again, Patrick merely blinked once.

Very carefully, Eric sat him up and placed his feet on the floor. Sliding his hands under his arms, he hoisted him to his feet, holding on to him while he found his balance. Once he was sure he was steady on his feet Eric took a step back, still holding on to his hands.

"I want you to take two steps towards me. There's no rush – take your time."

Patrick locked his eyes on Eric's and with slightly shaky legs took first one step and then another. He gave him a small grin as he took a third.

Eric smiled back. "Easy there overachiever." With great care, he assisted Patrick back into his bed, noting the perspiration on his brow from the exertion. He pulled the covers back up around him. "I'll have the porter come and take you Radiology in a minute."

He turned to leave but spun back around as Patrick slapped his hand on the bed to get his attention. Eric looked at him in concern. Patrick motioned with hand for a pen. Pulling one from his pocket, he handed it to his friend and watched with great interest as he held it nimbly between his fingers. Seeing the expectant look on his face, Eric also handed him a piece of paper.

With infinite slowness, his friend printed out a small message on the paper and held it up.

_Thank you._

Eric swallowed thickly as he read it. "Don't thank me yet" he told him before hurriedly leaving the room.

xxxxx

As Eric approached Patrick's room he saw Noah and Robin both standing anxiously outside the door. He had examined the new films from every possible angle and was no clearer about what was happening inside his friend's head than he had been prior to seeing the new scans.

"He's on his way back from Radiology now" he told them.

"How did it go?" Noah asked, twisting his fingers around the rosary in his pocket.

"I see some shadows but nothing concrete. I'm going to go back in and insert radiation seeds and a chemo wafer for good measure. If there are pieces of the tumour still hanging about, that will solve it."

"When?" Robin asked.

"Tomorrow"

"That's awfully fast" Robin remarked. She was not trying to challenge him but for Patrick's sake – for everyone's sake – she needed to make sure he had considered all the risks and options.

"If I wait too much longer, I risk doing more damage and interfering with his healing."

Robin nodded, fully understanding the difficult position he was in. "Does he know?"

"He does," he told them. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out two keys and handed one to each of them. "Look, it's going to be a long haul and I know that neither of you came prepared to stay. These are keys to my apartment – I want you to treat it like a home base – sleep there, eat there, shower there."

"Thank you" Noah said as he pocketed the key.

"I'm going to head back to my office and review his chart again. He'll be back down here in a minute."

As he turned to leave, Robin placed her hand on his arm. He was tied up in knots and the toll of the last day was graven on to his face. "Eric – can we help?"

Too tired to speak, he simply shook his head.

"Eric, we're a team. Let us-"

"No we aren't" he interjected. "I'm the surgeon and this complication is mine to solve."

In that moment she caught a glimpse of the guilt he was carrying and felt badly. "You didn't cause this complication" she told him seriously. "You didn't."

"You don't know that.

"Eric-"

"Robin, you don't know that," he repeated, "because I don't know that." Turning on his heel he strode down the hallway and out of sight.

She moved to go after him but stopped as she saw Patrick being wheeled in a gurney towards them. She smiled brightly and waved to him. He flashed a tired smile back at her as he was moved into his room. Heading towards the door, Robin stopped and turned around when she didn't feel Noah behind her.

"Noah?"

With a half smile, he gave a small shrug of his shoulders. "I think….I think you and Patrick should have some time alone. I – there's a phone call I need to make."

Looking at him carefully, she nodded. "Okay. But you'll be back later, right?"

"Of course."

Taking a deep breath, Robin pushed open the door. "Hey good looking" she called to him. Seeing the incredulous look he shot her, she chuckled lightly. "Well whatever is going on with your speech isn't affecting your communication," she teased.

His eyes were droopy and his breathing heavy as the afternoon of activity had depleted him of most of his energy. Looking at her, he patted the space beside him. There was much that was not working – he could not make himself understood, he felt weak and his emotions were very close to the surface – but there was much that was. And what was working the most was Robin.

She nodded as she crossed the room. "I got you a gift."

His eyebrows quirked up quizzically.

Reaching into the bag she was carrying, she pulled out a small dry erase board with two pens.

Patrick smiled, once again amazed at her resilience. Robin passed the board and the pens to him before getting under the covers next to him. He quickly pulled off the cap to one of the pens and began to scribble on the board.

_Are you okay?_

"I am. And you're going to be too" she told him confidently. "We didn't go through all this to let a few misfiring neurons get in our way."

He wanted to tell her how sorry he was for leaving her. Let her know that if he had to do it over again he wouldn't. He would have stayed in Port Charles, stayed in her arms. He was at a loss to understand his actions and wanted so desperately to make it right.

But fatigue was gaining on him and he was losing the battle against slumber. Seeing a flash of her necklace, he reached out with an unsteady hand and fingered the claddagh pendant.

Robin smiled warmly at him as she gently tugged on the neck of his hospital gown, pulling it down his chest revealing his tattoo. His breath hitched as she pressed her lips against the heart of the claddgah.

"We're connected, you and I," she told him. "And speech impediments, brain tumours, HIV and crazy childhoods are no match for what we have."

Patrick brushed his lips over hers in a soft, loving kiss. Reaching for the board and a pen, he scrawled a note and passed it to her. As she took the board from him, he closed his eyes and drifted to sleep.

Robin's eyes misted over as she read the note.

_You are my dream come true._


	82. Chapter 89

**Chapter 89**

Cause I can only tell you what I know  
That I need you in my life

_As he pushed the door open he could feel the wind whipping up from the street below. He had been looking for her and having checked all her usual places decided to take a chance that she would be here. As he scanned the rooftop, he saw her standing on the ledge at the corner. Her eyes were cast down to the street below. His throat was suddenly thick and it was difficult to breathe. Gently closing the door behind him, he shuffled across the roof, his feet crunching against the gravel._

"Robin?" he called to her.

She neither looked up nor turned towards him; she simply shook her head. "It's too late"

He could feel the vice grip squeezing his heart. "Wh-what do you mean too late? Robin - please - please come down from there."

"No." Her voice was weak yet resolute.

He inched closer towards her, taking care not to startle her. Standing right behind her he grabbed hold of the back of her pants and pulled her from the ledge. She turned around, fury blazing in her eyes and tried to push him away.

"Robin, stop. Please" he begged, trying to pull her into his arms.

She tried to pull away. "You lied. YOU LIED TO ME!" she yelled at him.

"Robin I-"

"SHUT UP! We stood up here a year ago and I told you - I told you why it was so hard for me to take a risk. I told you that I took a chance on love once and I will spend the rest of my life paying for it. I asked you what was wrong with wanting to feel safe and unafraid and do you remember what you said? DO YOU??"

He swallowed thickly trying to find his voice. "N-nothing" he stammered. "I said there was nothing wrong with that."

"You let me believe I could have that with you but you lied."

"Robin, I didn't-"

She angrily stamped her foot. "Yes you did!" Tears began to stream down her face but she paid them little mind. "You left me. You left me when you said you wouldn't. You told me I could count on you."

"You can count on me!" he told her earnestly, reaching for her hands. "Robin I love you. I was trying to protect you" He needed her to understand the choices he made and to know they were made with her best intentions in his heart.

"NO!" she snapped, her face crumpling in anger. "You are weak and sick. You can't protect me - I can't count on you."

His own eyes misted over as he pulled her against him, closing his arms around her. "I love you Robin. With all of my heart - I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I left."

She unleashed a flurry of blows against him as she tried to free herself from his embrace. "You had your chance and you blew it!! You don't love me."

"I do!!" He absorbed her blows as he reached for her. "Robin, please you must understand-"

"Well I don't. You are just like all the others - they promised they wouldn't leave and they did." She choked back a sob. "How can I ever believe you loved me when you left me. I needed you Patrick - and you needed me and you walked away from it like it meant nothing." She grabbed hold of the necklace and ripped it from her neck. "THIS, THIS was the biggest lie you ever told." She threw it at him.

Patrick tried to catch it but couldn't feel his hands and the necklace dropped aimlessly to the ground. "Robin. You mean everything to me - you have to listen to me" His entire body began to tremble as he tried to get through to her.

"I can't understand you" she told him. "I don't know what you are saying. All I know is that you left me and I needed you - you broke your promise and you broke my heart. I am too tired to go on like this." She inched towards the ledge. "I am too tired and too sad" She stepped back on the ledge.

Patrick tried to grab hold of her but she simply moved out his way. His body shook and the pain in his head was intense as he tried to get to her. He felt a momentary sense of relief as she sat down on the ledge and as he paused to catch his breath, he watched in horror as she tipped backwards falling to the street below.

"NOOOOOOOOO!!" he screamed. 

Waking up with a start his hands flew to his throat as he gasped for air. He gurgled and strained to make a noise but none came. Sweeping his hand across the bed he was gripped by panic as he was met with empty space. He remembered, he distinctly remembered going to sleep with Robin's head on his chest, her body curled next to his. She had seen his tattoo.

Or was it a dream?

His heart continued to slam against his ribs in terror.

He needed to find her.

As he sat up suddenly he gripped his head in pain; tiny little spots appeared in front of his eyes as the throbbing intensified. She was in pain - a pain caused by him and he needed to make it right. With a shaky hand he gently pulled back the tape on his arm and removed his i.v., wincing slightly as he removed the catheter and letting it drop to the ground.

Groaning loudly, he pulled himself to his feet and took one tentative step and then another. The room was swaying and it was becoming nearly impossible for him to focus. He stood still for a moment and closing his eyes, took several deep breaths. Opening his eyes, he looked at the door and focused on it, hoping it would make it easier for him to walk.

Every step increased the throbbing in his head; his hands started to shake.

Panting heavily from the exertion he finally reached the door, fumbling with the handle before managing to open it. His eyes slammed shut as he was confronted by the bright lights of the hallway. Slowly, painfully, he opened his eyes and squinted. He turned his head to look down the hall but could not see anyone. Unsure of which way to go, he took another step forward.

"Patrick?"

He breathed a small sigh of relief as he heard his father's voice.

"Patrick, what the hell are you doing out of bed?" he asked rushing to his side. Noah hooked his arm underneath him, trying to keep him steady. He looked around for a nurse to assist but could not find one. He had no idea how or why his son was out of his room but there was nothing good that could come from it.

Patrick looked up at his father, imploring him to help him. "I'm looking for Robin" he told him. "I need to find her."

The grimace on his father's face told him that yet again he was not being understood. He thumped his chest, just over his heart trying to make him understand what he needed but it was to no avail. He moved to take another step but stopped suddenly as he was hit by a blinding pain that knocked him breathless Turning to look at his father, he moaned as the familiar bitter alkaline taste appeared in his mouth.

Noah could feel his legs give way and he grabbed hold of him trying to keep him upright. Seeing Patrick's eyes roll to the back of his head, Noah gasped. There was no time to get him back to his room and laying him down on the ground as quickly and gently as he could, he then sank to his knees behind him, cradling his head to protect it as the seizure began.

"HELP!" he called out. "WE NEED HELP!"

A nurse came rushing from around the corner and doing a rapid assessment of the situation, hit the emergency button on the wall and paged Eric.

"Come on Patrick" Noah called to him, trying to reach him through the fog as the seizure stopped. "Hang in there"

Eric came sprinting down the hallway skidding to a stop in front of them. "What the hell happened?"

"I found him standing out here and then he started to seize."

"Jesus fuck" he swore.

As his team showed up he barked out orders like a drill sergeant. He told them how to lift him, what position to place him in on the gurney and then told them to move it as they took of down the hall pushing the gurney. With no time to waste, Eric cast a regretful glance over his shoulder at Noah, still kneeling on the floor, before running after his team.

Noah covered his face with his hands and screamed his frustration into them. He had felt so shaky earlier in the afternoon and he had slipped away to call his sponsor. After a lengthy conversation with him, he was directed to an AA meeting where he sat, saying nothing but drawing on the strength of those around him. Once he felt strong enough again he had come back to the hospital to sit with his son. But like always, he was too late.

"Noah?"

He pulled his hands from his face at the sound of Robin's voice. "Robin" Seeing the coffee she carried in her hand he realized she had stepped out for a few minutes and Patrick, likely disoriented, had gone in search of her.

"Noah, where's Patrick?"

"He's had a seizure - he's on his way to the OR."

The words had no sooner left his mouth than the coffee cup slipped from her hand to the floor spilling its contents everywhere.

xxxx

Eric glanced at his friend laying on the operating table and then back at the films on the light board. There was nothing to indicate why he would have had another seizure but he knew he had little choice but to go back in and see what was missed. He took a long, slow breath and walked to the head of the table. "Saw" he demanded.

As the instrument was placed in his hand he closed his eyes and hoped he would find what he needed to find in order to save his friend. As he prepared to cut into his friend for the second time in as many days, his intern called to him.

"Doctor Smitherman, his bp and pulseox are dropping."

"Shit" he swore. "Come on Patrick, don't you dare do this - don't you dare" He set the saw back down on the instrument tray and called for new medication to be added to his i.v.

"Still falling" the intern told him. "He's not responding"

As Eric opened his mouth to speak, the long drone of the heart monitor filled the OR announcing Patrick's heart had stopped. 


	83. Chapter 90

**Chapter 90**

Don't give up, you're not beaten yet

As her legs bounced up and down nervously, Robin glanced up at the clock in the waiting room. It had been three hours since she had found Noah on his knees in the hall and she was ready to jump out of her skin. She thought they had turned a corner - not that they were in the home stretch by any means as Patrick's aphasia was no small matter - but she really believed there were no monsters left under the bed.

Realizing she was wrong was enough to make her weep.

"He's going to be okay" she said out loud for the umpteenth time.

Noah, feeling very close to the edge himself, looked over at the young woman and sighed. He wanted to believe as she did. He admired her seemingly unending reserve of strength and faith. But part of being sober meant not ignoring stark realities even when it would be so much easier to do so. Being a doctor, in a situation like this, was a curse. He wished he was not burdened with the knowledge of every little thing that could go wrong. He wished he could be ignorant of the rising risks to his son by having a seizure. He wished he would wake up from this nightmare he had wandered in to.

Clearing his throat, he finally spoke. "Robin, I think...we need to be realistic about Patrick."

"I am being" she answered slowly, uncomfortable with the direction Noah was headed in.

"Every surgery he has increases the risk of permanent brain damage. The aphasia could become permanent and there any other number of complications that could and likely will arise. You need to prepare yourself that the Patrick who comes out of this surgery will probably be very different than the one you know."

Robin stared at him, unblinking, for several beats. "People don't fundamentally change who they are Noah. We may change on the outside, we may change our opinions or our thought processes but the foundation, the core of who we are remains the same. I don't care if Patrick can speak clearly or if I spend a lifetime reading notes that he scribbles on a dry erase board - I love him. I love who he is at his core."

The corners of his mouth twitched upwards into a small smile. She was a remarkable young woman and his son was a lucky man but he also knew that it was easy to be brave while the outcome was still unknown. The cold light of day was the true test of courage. He promised himself that he would be supportive of her if she ever chose to walk away. His son had had no greater supporter as an adult but she was entitled to a life as well and he did not want to see her squander it if Patrick could not return the support.

He also vowed, no matter what the outcome, that he would take care of his son.

"Patrick hit the jackpot with you" he told her softly.

"Well then, it was a big payday because I hit it too." Tipping her head back against the wall, she stared up at the ceiling, her legs still bouncing. Time seemed remarkably fluid. When she was with Patrick, hearing his heart beating as they laid in his bed the minutes seemed to race by but here, waiting for information, it seemed each minute lasted an hour. "I'm craving a cheeseburger" she announced.

"And chili fries" Noah added with a smile.

She nodded. "And one of Mike's extra thick chocolate shakes."

"Do you think we could get him to deliver?"

"It would be worth a shot" she laughed. "Because if I eat one more mystery meat sandwich here I may just start eating the cardboard instead."

"Robin, Noah"

Eric's voice brought their light hearted conversation to a screeching halt and both looked anxiously at the tall doctor as he crossed the threshold, closing the door behind him. He was pale and his brow seemed to be permanently knit in a frown.

Noah stood up. Whatever the news was he was going to take it on his feet - he was going to take as he should have all those years ago. "How did it go?"

Eric tiredly dragged his hand through his hair and nodded. "It went okay. He had some internal bleeding which was what caused the seizure. We fixed that and I inserted radiation seeds to the affected area and a chemo wafer. That should take care of any residual pieces of the tumour that aren't visible or accessible."

"What about the aphasia?" Robin asked.

He shook his head. "Too soon to tell. We'll only know when he's concious."

Noah studied Eric carefully and could almost see words formed on the tip of his tongue that he had not yet said. "What else happened?" he asked, hoping it was the push he needed to set the words free.

Eric chewed on his bottom lip, his eyes cast downwards. He had not been sure whether or not he would tell them about his heart stopping; there was little to be gained from it yet he did not believe in keeping secrets. Inhaling sharply, he raised his eyes to Noah's. "He arrested on the table-"

Noah's knees trembled and a strangled sob escaped from the back of Robin's mouth.

Eric's stomach pitched and rolled as a wave of nausea washed over him. "We were able to establish a normal rhythm quickly and there were no further cardiac incidents during surgery."

"Wh-when can we see him?" Robin stammered trying to get the image of Patrick's heart stopping from her mind. It had been terrifying the first time when he collapsed at the apartment but to know it happened a second time left her breathless.

"He should be back in his room in a hour" he told her quietly. "Do you guys have any other questions?" Though he didn't want to rush them, he was getting desperate to get out of the room. His pulse was racing and a cold sweat was trickling down his back.

"No" Noah answered for both of them. "We'll go ahead to Patrick's room and wait for him there. Eric, thank you - for everything."

Giving a curt nod and turning on his heel headed out the door. Noah sank back into the chair, grateful that they had all dodged another bullet.

xxxx

Eric sprinted down the hally throwing open the door to his office. Falling to his knees he gripped the waste basket and groaned as his stomach turned. He retched and heaved for several minutes before finally sitting back on his heels. He jumped slightly as a wet cloth was passed to him. Taking it, he wiped his mouth and turned around.

"Did I look that green?" he asked quietly, his throat raw.

Robin smiled wryly. "Pretty much" she told him. "Are you okay?"

He shrugged. "I'm not the one who had to survive two surgeries in two days so I'm okay."

"Right. You're just the one who had to do two surgeries in two days - on your best friend." She sat down on the floor beside him and gently touched his arm. "Eric, please don't think that I haven't recognized the toll this is taking on you. Patrick is very lucky to have you on his side - he's trusted you with you his life and I can't think of a better choice."

"Thank you" he whispered, wiping at his mouth again. "I...it was harder than I thought it would be. And I'm sorry if I have come across as being difficult or obstructionist - I'm just trying to do things in a way that makes it as easy on all of us as possible."

"That's the problem though, isn't it? There is just no making this easy."

He shook his head. "How...how are you keeping it together?"

"Chewing gum and a shoelace" she teased lightly. Eric smirked. "Honestly? I don't know. I think if I were to stop and think about it - about the enormity of it all, of everything that could go wrong I would probably be a basket case by now. I think I'm just dealing with one thing at a time."

"You're pretty smart, you know that?"

She grinned. "In fact I do." She exhaled slowly. "When was the last time you slept?"

"I'm used to operating on little sleep," he replied.

"That wasn't my question" she admonished him kindly. "Eric, you have been gently pushing Noah and I to rest and eat and take a break but you need to do the same."

He smiled as he rose to his feet, extending his hand to her and pulling her up. "I will" he promised. "Just as soon as he's out of the woods." What Eric didn't say, what he could barely admit to himself was that he had no idea when that would happen.

xxxxx

Seated at Patrick's bedside, his glasses perched halfway down his nose, Noah opened the black leather bound book and began to read out loud.

"We brought Patrick home today and I swear it was the slowest I have ever driven the car in my life. Mattie teased me mercilessly about losing my edge so quickly but having watched him enter the world two short days ago and holding his wriggling, squirming body in my arms I know that I will do whatever it takes to keep him safe from any danger the world has to offer.

When I hold him, he curls his tiny, long fingers around my shirt and I think that my heart might explode right out of my chest. Such a tiny, perfect little being who was conceived in love and represents the very best that his mother and I have to offer this world. When his first loud wail echoed through the delivery room, my heart seemed to recognize him instantly and proclaimed proudly that this is my son.

As I write this, I am sitting in bed beside my beloved Mattie. Patrick is lying on her chest and they are both dozing. I thought there was no greater gift that Mattie could give me than loving me but I had not counted on what a blessing and sense of completion our child would be. He has long, thick lashes and the tiniest of ruffles from his breathing are the only noise in the room. I wonder if he is dreaming? And what is he dreaming of? Is he imagining big things? Great adventures? Does he know he's loved?

My son is going to take me on a most remarkable journey and I can't wait to see where we go."

A lone tear splattered on to the open page and Noah swiped at his eyes to prevent any more from falling. Reaching over to the bed, he squeezed his son's hand. "We have more adventures ahead of us Patty - so many more and I can't wait to see what's next."

Patrick's hand jerked under his father's touch and his eyes flew open. 


	84. Chapter 91

**Chapter 91**

In your eyes, the resolution of all the fruitless searches

Noah shot out of his chair. "Patrick?"

His eyes darted around the room, unfocused as his breathing became shallow. Noah rubbed his hand and touched his cheek. "You're okay Patrick" he reassured him waiting for his son to find him through the fog. It took only another minute before Patrick's eyes locked on his and Noah smiled gratefully. "You're okay."

Patrick swallowed thickly, his tongue feeling fat in his mouth. He opened his mouth several times to speak but found forming any words a difficult and time consuming task. He greedily accepted the ice chips that were pressed to his lips and sucked on them. He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly as the cool liquid from the ice quenched the raw fire in his throat. Opening his eyes, he did his best to smile at his father.

"D-dad" he whispered.

Noah's eyes widened in surprise. "Hey sport" he greeted him, his voice thick with gratitude at hearing his son's voice.

Patrick groped to form more words but could not seem to make his lips and his voice react in the way he wanted. He blew out his cheeks in frustration and looked to his father for some explanation.

Noah sighed silently. His son was not free of the aphasia. "Patrick, if you can understand me I want you to blink once."

His rich brown eyes were wide with worry but the soothing sound of his father's voice helped to calm him somewhat. He kept his eyes on his father and blinked once. Confusion was closing in on him. It was clear he was in the hospital but he did not know for what. It was serious - it had to be for his father to be at his bedside looking as though he had not slept in a week. He tentatively lifted his hand and brought it to his cheek. Feeling the prickly stubble against his fingertips he was surprised to realize it had been a couple of days, if not a week. He looked back to his father for some sort of explanation.

"I'm going to call the doctor, okay? I'll be right back. Promise me you'll stay put? No getting up, okay?"

Patrick blinked again.

Noah clenched his eyes shut in frustration as he headed to the door. He wanted off the roller coaster but it appeared the ride was not quite done yet. Stopping at the Nurses' Station, he asked them to page Doctor Smitherman urgently before returning back to Patrick's room. As he pulled the door open to Patrick's room, he could not keep the small smile from his face as he saw Patrick's eyes glued to the door with an expectant look on his face. He was clearly anxious for him to return and there had been a time, not so long ago, when that would not have been the case.

"Eric is on his way" he told him as he closed the door behind him. "He'll be pleased to see you're awake." The puzzled look on Patrick's face gave Noah pause. "Patrick," he began slowly, "do you know who I am?"

Patrick blinked once and swallowing deliberately pushed his breath through his lips. "D-dad" he said again.

"Oh my goodness, you're speaking" Robin exclaimed as she came through the door with Eric. Bolting past Noah she made her way to his bed and pressed her lips to his. "Oh baby" she sighed happily, "you're okay."

Smiling weakly, Patrick reached up with his hand and ran his fingertips along her lips, delighting in their softness. "Moobin" he said, panting from the effort of getting her name out.

Robin bit down on the inside of her cheek as she realized that he was not as far advanced as she had hoped. Linking her fingers through his, she squeezed his hand. "I'm so glad you're awake."

Looking over her shoulder and seeing his best friend watching him studiously his pulse started to race. Clearly, whatever was wrong with him required the intervention of his friend and yet he was at a loss to think of what could be so wrong with him that his friend was his doctor.

Eric stepped forward and removing his pen light from his pocket checked the reaction of his pupils. He was not surprised as Patrick winced from the flash of light but was pleased to see his reactions were as they should be. "Patrick, is my name Stephen?"

Screwing up his face, Patrick blinked twice.

"Is it Eric?"

He blinked once.

"And that is MaryAnne?" he asked pointing to Robin.

He blinked twice.

"Robin?"

He blinked once.

"Good," he smiled reassuringly. "It appears that the aphasia has not improved in the way I hoped but we're going to watch and wait for a few days and see if it might clear up on its own."

There was something about the questioning look on Patrick's face that sent a cold sweat down Eric's back. He seemed confused and surprised as though he was unaware of having aphasia. "Patrick, do you know why you're here?"

He blinked twice.

"Oh no" Robin sighed quietly, gripping his hand tighter.

Noah placed a reassuring hand on his son's shoulder and hoped that it would help quell the panic he could see thundering through his son. He tried to remind himself that his ability to recognize the people in the room was a strong positive and that his confusion was temporary.

Reaching for the dry erase board on the night stand, he passed him the pen. "Can you grip this for me?"

Patrick accepted the pen and held it between his fingers. He was still at a loss to understand what had landed him in this hospital bed and was trying hard not to give in to the fear that was threatening to suffocate him. He signalled for the board and Eric passed it to him. His hand shook as he struggled to write. Finishing his question, he turned the board around.

_What happened to me?_

Eric looked at Robin who was shaking her head in disbelief.

"Patrick, what month is it?" he asked.

His mouth twisted to the side and his brow was knit in concentration as he tried to think of the answer. He wrote down two different answers, swiping them off before finally writing a third one.  
_  
September._

"Pantsy, do you have any idea why you're here?"

He looked to Robin and then to his father. "Dad?" he asked.

Noah swallowed down his own panic and put his hand on his arm. "It's okay if you don't know Patty. Just answer," he told him quietly.

Looking back to Eric he blinked twice.

Eric let go of a long, slow breath. "Do you trust me?"

Patrick wrote again on the board.

_Yes_

"Okay. Then I need you to trust me right now because until I determine exactly what is going on I can't fill in all your blanks. You had surgery today and everything went very well. You have aphasia but as I said we're going to take a wait and see approach for a couple of days to see if as the swelling in your brain reduces, your speech improves. Does that make sense to you?"

He blinked.

"I know you're scared" he told him, "but we're going to take this one step at a time making sure we rule out every possible complication and get you back on your feet.Okay?"

Patrick swiped his fist against the board and hastily scribbled another message.

_Am I dying?_

"No" Eric told him confidently. "You have a lot of life to live yet. I'm just going talk to your dad and Robin outside for a minute and then they'll be back in. Before I go, I want to make sure you're comfortable. On a scale of 1 to 10, what is your pain?"

_3_

"Good. We're just going to be in the hall for a minute." He jerked his head in the direction of the door and both Noah and Robin followed him out.

Robin leaned against the wall, hoping it would support her. Her confidence, her absolute belief that everything was going to be okay was slowly starting to slip away. The aphasia seemed like a surmountable hurdle before but coupled with what appeared to be at best, confusion and at worst, short term memory loss, she was less sure about the road ahead.

"What are you thinking Eric?" she asked quietly.

"You tell me" he suggested kindly. "What did you see?"

She shoved her hands in her pocket and took a deep breath. He was looking for a medical opinion when what she truly saw was the future, their future moving ever so slightly out of reach. "Memory loss, confusion, aphasia."

"The memory loss is quite specific" he added nodding his head. "He knew you but thinks it's September. He doesn't remember the tumour or everything that followed from it."

"Do you think he's repressing?" Noah asked softly.

Eric slung his hands on his hips and shook his head. "I don't think so. This could be temporary but it's hard to say right now. I think the best thing we can do is feed him bits and pieces of information when he is most alert. If he is fatigued or struggling, we're better delaying because it'll be difficult to know how he'll process it then."

"What do you think of his ability to say 'dad'?" Robin asked.

It was juvenile, she knew, but she was terribly jealous that he had said that but was unable to say her name. What she wouldn't give to hear her name on his lips. She knew that he knew her but it was not the same as hearing him call to her, feel the vibration in his voice as he said her name. He had a way of saying her name that could make her, quite simply, go weak in the knees.

"I think it means the aphasia is not as severe in some ways as we originally thought. He's also saying a name that is easily accesible in his mind because it's been there for so long. Not to mention," he added with a sympathetic smile, "that Ds are easier to wrap a fat tongue around than Rs"

Robin gave him a small grateful smile.

"Are we all agreed on the game plan going foward?" he asked.

They both nodded. Noah opened his mouth to speak and quickly shut it. Sucking in a deep breath, he tried again. "Eric, I would...I wou- could I see his films?" he asked. "I'm not trying to second guess you" he added quickly, "I just think..I think I would feel better if I could see them."

"Of course" he agreed. "Let's go to my office."

Robin smiled at both men, excusing herself. "I'm going to go be with him." Pulling herself from the wall, she walked back to his room.

xxxx

"Hey" she greeted him as she came through the door. "You still doing okay?"

Patrick furrowed his brow and scratched at his growing beard.

Robin grinned as he indicated his obvious dislike of his new look. "Is it scratchy?"

He blinked.

She cupped his cheek with her hand. "Maybe we can take care of it tomorrow" she offered. "Provided you trust me with a razor" she amended, waggling her eyebrows.

Patrick gave her a smirk in response and turning his head slightly, kissed the palm of her hand. Robin closed her eyes at the feel of his lips against her skin - it was a sensation she could never get enough of. He tapped the board with the pen. Robin looked down and let out a small gasp.

_Do you still love me?_

Her eyes filled to the brim with tears as her hand swept across his chest. "With all my heart" she whispered tearfully. "We're going to get through this Patrick - together."

Smiling as best he could, he gave a small nod of his head. He had needed to know that they were still a team. If he couldn't know just yet what was wrong, he needed to know that she would be with him. If he had that, he knew anything was possible. 


	85. Chapter 92

**Chapter 92**

I believe in the love you gave me

As he let out one long breath after another, Patrick sank back into his pillows and stared up at the ceiling. He had asked everyone to leave, to give him a few minutes by himself to try and process what he had been told.

It had been two days since he had awakened in the hospital bed post-surgery and he had finally managed to get some of the details filled in. Hearing that he had a meningioma nearly stopped his heart. That he had faced the same obstacles his mother had but was living to tell the tale was a shock. Eric had proceeded gently and cautiously in feeding him the information about his condition but that had done little to stop a cold sweat from forming on his forehead. Both his father and Robin stayed by his side, offering support and reassurance at every step but he still felt like he was free falling.

When Eric had described the size and placement of his tumour, he looked questioningly to his father, who nodded and answered the question, telling him it was very much like the tumour his mother had. . He remained amazed at the sense of peace he felt when he thought of him. For a long time, even as the rage and anger over his father's choices had started to dissipate he could always feel echoes of it in his heart but now when he looked at him, it was as though it was all gone. The fine lines around his father's eyes, the new smattering of grey hairs threading through his thick black hair told him that his father had been to hell and back once again and he was devastated at being the cause.

And if his father had been to hell, then he could barely fathom what he had put Robin through. He had studied her carefully, trying to see the effects on her but her walls were up. She had been smiling brightly and confidently telling him this was only temporary but he knew her well enough to know that she was, once again, trying to bend the universe to her will. In all the time that he had known her – which as it turned out was apparently longer than he realized – he had come to recognize the changes in her when she was preparing for battle. She would get a defiant look in her eye, almost daring anyone to tell her that things were not going to be fine. She had the strongest resolve of anyone he knew and it was apparent to him that she had decided it was all going to work out and now everyone needed to get with the program.

It worried him.

She was being brave and strong and keeping her fears and concerns well under wraps – as though she was afraid for him to see them. Had she shared her fears about him before and had he done something as a result. Frustration was bubbling up inside of him. He knew he had hurt her but he did not know how. How could he make it right, reassure her of his love for her, if he did not know what he had done?

And then there was Eric. His friend was wound tighter than a drum and looked stretched beyond his limits. There was clearly more to the story but Eric wasn't about to share it with him just yet.

The three people who mattered to him – the only people who mattered to him – were wearing scars that he caused.

He was missing six months of his life. Six months. When he closed his eyes he tried to clear his mind and focus on those months. He needed to – he had to – fill in his own blanks. He wanted the truth however unvarnished and ugly.

There were glimpses of moments: he saw dancing and a castle, there was an image of Robin on a stage speaking, a flash of a party but they all dangled so irritatingly out of reach. The more he tried to concentrate on them, to focus on the memory, the further it got from his sight.

He slapped his hands down on the bed. It felt as though all control was slipping from his grasp and it made him want to scream. Of course that was the other gift he was dealing with; he could not make himself understood. His wit and ability to banter had been his trademarks for a long time. He had charmed his way in to and out of situations his entire life with just the right comment but that wasn't available to him right now and he felt rudderless. Writing out answers and questions was a poor substitute for a real conversation and with no ability to speak in any meaningfully way, he was trapped inside his own head. It felt very much like being locked inside the trunk of a car.

The prospect of speech therapy left him feeling disheartened. A high achiever his whole life, the mere idea that he would need someone to teach him to do something so basic as speaking was almost more than he could bear.

There was another question that rattled around his brain but he did not know who to ask. They were all so fragile, so perilously close to the edge that he feared the answer would send one or all of them tumbling down.

Was he HIV positive?

While he had no memory of his final test or the results he knew they had been given. He would have been told somewhere around Christmas. There was little evidence that he was on a course of anti-retrovirals but it could be yet another piece of information they were withholding until they felt him strong enough to deal with it.

What had Robin said when they got the news? Was he positive? Was he negative? Was she okay with the results? He was half tempted to get himself out of bed and wander to the Nurses Station in search of his chart but Eric had mentioned something about putting him in soft restraints if he got out of bed unaccompanied. Obviously he had already tried that once.

Grabbing hold of his water cup, he hurled it across the room in a flash of anger. He had never been in the position of not being able to trust himself. In truth, for so long as an adult it was the only thing he did trust in.

xxxx

"So what's next?" Robin asked perfunctorily as she looked from Eric to Noah and back again.

Eric sighed heavily and shook his head. "I'm going to keep looking at alternative treatments but I think we need to prepare ourselves that he may never regain his lost memories."

"No!" Robin told him sharply. "Giving up is not an option."

"Robin, sweetheart," Noah began gently trying to defuse the rising tension in Eric's office, "no one is talking about giving up but Eric is talking about being realistic."

She folded her arms across her chest and shook her head. "I don't accept that. Maybe if I wasn't also a doctor I would but I know that there are options. And until we explore every one of them I am not accepting shit."

Both men looked at her in surprise, the tension dissipating and Noah chuckled. "I think that might be the first time I've ever heard you swear"

Smiling in spite of herself, she shook her head. "What can I say; I have a little potty mouth."

"I'm not giving up" Eric said, still stoney faced. "I'm still working for the optimal result."

"I know" she told him softly. "But I'm going to keep pushing because I have to. I've placed calls to a couple of colleagues in France and they are also looking at options to see what else can be done."

There was nothing she would not do, no length she would not go to in an effort to help Patrick. He would remember the last six months, she had to believe that. If for no other reason she did not want to be the only one with the memories they had created during that time. She needed him to remember too.

"I'll be interested in their findings" Eric replied tightly.

He was close to snapping and didn't know how much more he could take before he did. He had not been home in three days, living instead in his office as he poured over journals and text books and sent emails to friends and colleagues scattered around the world hoping someone, anyone, would have a solution for him. He could not help but believe that he had failed his friend in some way. Patrick had entrusted his health to him and he had not delivered in the way he expected to.

Noah looked from one to the other and could not decide who would be the first to break. One was feeling defeated and having a hard time to see the way forward; the other was almost disturbingly optimistic in her outlook.

He felt hopeful about what was to come but recognized the road ahead was bumpy and there were potholes everywhere. For him, it was about keeping an even keel and helping Patrick do the same.

Unable to sit still a moment longer, Robin rose to her feet and grabbed her purse. "I told Patrick I wouldn't be gone longer than half an hour so I'm going to head back. Let me know if you find anything."

She slipped outside the door and started down the hall but stopped as she heard Noah call to her. Impatiently, she turned around. "Yes?"

"Robin I don't mean to pry but are you…are you taking care of yourself?"

Her eyes narrowed. "Have you asked Eric the same thing?"

He did a double take at her sharp tone. "Pardon me?"

"I asked you if you asked Eric the same thing or are you only chasing after me because you think I'm fragile?"

Shoving his hands in his pockets, he leaned against the wall and took a breath before speaking. "Robin, I cannot think of single person who would think you fragile and I'm sorry if it came across that way. But I won't apologize for checking on you. Your health is as important as Patrick's."

Her face softened immediately and she shook her head apologetically. "Noah, I am so sorry for snapping at you. I guess I'm just… I'm-"

"You're exhausted" he finished for her. "You haven't had a full night's sleep in days. So I'd like you to promise after your visit with Patrick that you will head to Eric's apartment and sleep for a few hours."

"Are you getting parental on me?" she asked as her lips curved upwards in a small smile.

"Maybe" he replied with a grin.

Standing on her tiptoes, she kissed his cheek. "Thank you" she told him quietly. "I appreciate it and I promise I will get some sleep shortly."

"Good. Tell Patrick I'll be in to see him in a while."

She nodded and headed back down the hall to his room. She would rest when she was sure he was okay.

xxxx

Emerging from his bathroom carrying a small bowl of hot water, Robin smiled at him. "Are you ready for me?" she asked as she approached his bed.

Patrick nodded.

Setting the bowl down on the table, she opened her purse and pulled out a razor and a small can of shaving cream. Drenching a facecloth in the steaming water and wringing it out, she carefully placed it over his beard.

"Are you sure you want this off?" she asked teasingly. "'Cause I'm thinking the scruff might work for you."

Narrowing his eyes, he furrowed his brow and started to reach for the razor.

"Okay, okay" she laughed. "Your wish is my command."

Peeling the facecloth from him she set it on the table. She filled her hand with shaving cream and gently applied it over his cheeks and chin. As she removed the plastic cover from the razor and turned to start, she realized her height was going to be a disadvantage. It was impossible for her to reach across him to the other side. Setting the razor down, she climbed on to the bed and straddled his lap.

"Much better" she told him, pulling the table within reach. "Now I have no excuse not to do a perfect job."

Patrick brought his hands to rest on either side of her hips and tenderly stroked his thumbs along her waist. He looked at her intently as her eyes misted over.

"It's just nice" she explained quietly, "to be touched by you again." She quickly wiped her eyes and smiled as she held up the razor. "Last chance to back out"

He gave a small shake of his head.

"I don't blame you" she joked. "It's sad when you have more hair on your face than your head." She laughed as he growled in response.

He kept his eyes locked on her the entire time as she cautiously removed his beard. His hands traveled along her back and down her legs as she rinsed the razor and continued to shave off all remnants of his facial hair. It was an intimate moment and one that he was not ready to see end.

She towelled off the leftover shaving cream and smiled at the results. "You look….you look like yourself again" she told him softly, unexpectedly overcome as she did so.

As she made a move to get off the bed, Patrick held on to her. She looked back at him and grinned as he tapped his lips. Leaning in, her hands on his chest, she closed her lips over his with infinite tenderness and kissed him.

He ran his hands along her back and pulled her closer to him, he wanted the kiss to go on forever. There was much he was not sure of at the moment but everything he needed to know could be found in their kiss.

Robin slowly pulled away and stared at him with loving reverence. "I love you Patrick forever and for always."

He threaded his fingers through her hair as he softly kissed first one cheek and then the other before returning to her lips. He exhaled softly as he ended the kiss. He was exhausted again but did not want to let go of her. Opening his mouth to speak, his lips fumbled to form the words and he sighed in frustration as he could not get the word out.

Robin ran her thumb along his bottom lip trying to alleviate his stress. "Do you need something?"

He nodded.

"Do you want the white board?" she asked, moving to reach for it.

He pulled her back to him and shook his head.

"What is it baby? What do you need?"

Closing his eyes, he swallowed thickly and tried once again.

"Y-y-you" 


	86. Chapter 93

**Chapter 93**

But I fear I have nothing to give  
I have so much to lose

Patrick kept his eye on his friend as he moved about the room, making chart notations and checking his progress. Eric, one of the most forthright people he had ever known, was having difficulty looking him in the eye. He was not sure what he had done but surely he had hurt his friend or offended him in some way.

The frustration at not being able to recall the last six months was never far from reach and it was beginning to boil up again as he struggled to figure out what he had done to make Eric so uncomfortable around him.

Noticing a rise in his heart monitor, Eric's head shot up from the chart. "You okay Patrick?"

He shook his head.

Closing the chart, Eric reached for the white board and passed it to him. Patrick slammed it down on the bed in frustration. It had been five days since his second surgery and he had managed to acquire exactly three words – Dad, you and no – everything else either came out in gibberish if it came out at all. He had a non-stop dialogue in his head but there was no one who could understand him and it was making him feel claustrophobic. His lost memories only compounded the feeling.

"Patrick I know it's frustrating but your speech will come back," he told him doing his best to reassure him. "Now that you're stable, we'll bring in a speech pathologist and he'll work with you to get your words back."

Snapping up the pen in exasperation, Patrick scribbled on the board.

_What about my memory? When does that come back? _

Eric grimaced and tried to push down the feelings of failure that seemed to cover him like a blanket. "I'm working on it Patrick."

_I need you to answer to 2 things_

Eric looked at him curiously, ignoring the knot forming in his stomach. "Shoot" he said evenly.

Patrick cleared the board and wrote:

_Are you upset with me?_

Blowing out his cheeks, he covered his mouth with his hand. How could he explain to him the overwhelming disappointment that he had not had better results from the surgery? He didn't have the words to tell him that he was embarrassed at having let him down.

Swallowing thickly, he shook his head. "No. God no. I'm just…I'm trying to…I'm working on making you well again and that's got my head pretty full. We're cool."

Patrick smiled. Clearing the board, he wrote his second question.

_Am I HIV+? The __truth_

"Oh dude" Eric sighed. "You don't remember that either?"

Shaking his head, he tapped his pen insistently against the word truth. He was willing to be patient on some aspects but not on others and he wanted – he needed – to fully understand what he was dealing with.

Sitting down on the corner of the bed, Eric looked him straight in the eyes. "No you aren't. You tested negative – you're in the clear."

He let out a breath and blinked rapidly as his eyes welled with tears. He was okay – at least on that front. His memory was flooded with remembrances of the sheer terror he had felt in those early days after cutting himself in the OR. He had tried to put on a brave front, had tried to reassure everyone that it was no big deal but it had been an exceptionally big deal. That time had also been a gift in some ways. It had allowed him to see the people in his life for who they really were. It has also clarified his feelings for Robin. He hadn't fallen in love with her because she had stood by him but her standing by his side and leading him by example had confirmed to him that he could not imagine a life without her.

Several tears trickled down his cheeks and he wiped furiously at them.

"You okay Patrick?" Eric asked gently.

He nodded. "Y-y-yes" he stammered.

The corners of Eric's mouth turned up into a small smile. "That's great – the words are coming back."

He opened his mouth to speak again but his tongue would not cooperate with what his brain wanted to do. Aggravated, he picked up the board and wrote again.

_Do Robin and my dad know I'm HIV-?_

Eric nodded. "They were both very pleased and relieved for you" he reassured him.

_I HATE THIS!!_

"Me too buddy" he answered tightly. "I hate it too."

They both turned their heads towards the door as they heard it swing shut but there was no one there.

"Probably a nurse" Eric said, rising to his feet. "Listen, I'll be back in a few hours after your physio session to see how things are. Hang tough, okay?"

Nodding, he held out his fist and gave a small smile as Eric punched knuckles with him. Watching him as he walked out the door, he shook his head. His friend was working really hard not to come apart at the seams and he was at a loss as to how to help him.

xxxx

Throwing open the front doors of the hospital, Robin gulped in the cold March morning air as she tried not to give into the desperation that was threatening to drown her.

She had gone to Patrick's room with bagels from the Bread and Roses bakery he had taken her to but stopped at the door when she heard Eric's voice.

_You tested negative. You're in the clear_

He didn't remember. One of the most honest and real nights they had spent together and he didn't remember. It was a night where she finally understood that he was not okay with her being HIV+ but he was okay with her, he had separated her from her disease. It had been the gift of a lifetime.

_"I don't want to celebrate" he replied simply._

"Why not?"

Taking her hand, he placed it, palm down, against his own and lightly trailed his fingertips across it. He loved the feel of her skin - it was smooth and warm and soothing. Inhaling sharply, he dove in. "It feels wrong to celebrate."

"Because of the tumour?"

"Because of you"

Robin recoiled slightly. "Wh-what? What do you mean?"

His fingers traced a continual pattern over her hand. "It..it would be wrong" he began cautiously. "It would be wrong to celebrate not having something that you do. I don't want to celebrate being negative."

"Patrick-"

"I mean it Robin" he interjected, "I'm relieved that I'm negative but I don't want to celebrate."

"Patrick I am really, truly happy for your results."

"I know" he assured her. "And I love you for it. I never would have made it through those early, dark moments without you telling how to put one foot in front of the other but it makes me sad that you'll never get to hear what I heard today."

Her eyes welled with tears as she wondered how she could have ever doubted that he wouldn't understand her conflicting feelings. He swiped with his thumb at the first tear that had snuck down her face.

"In Alan's office I felt relief and happiness for a moment" he confessed, "but then I just felt weird. Alan told me it was probably because of how my focus is on something else right now but I knew even then that it was because you never got that moment. You never had the options I had and I so wish that had been available to you."

Shaking her head, she flashed him a watery smile. "You never cease to amaze me" she told him.

"How's that?"

"In the first few months that I knew you, I told myself in my head and told you out loud more than once that you had the depth of a mud puddle but really, it was just an act. You are more caring and compassionate than anyone would ever guess and I love you more every day for it."

Momentarily stunned, he pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. "If I'm that way " he whispered against her ear, "it's because you make it okay for me to be like that."

The cold air seared her throat as she continued to greedily gulp the fresh air hoping it would somehow lessen in the pain in her heart. He had to remember. He simply had to. She could not be the only with the memories.

What would it mean in the long run if he could not recall the moments that had deepened her love for him? How could their relationship survive if so many of the blocks on which it was built did not exist for him? It was hard enough to cope with his limited communication, she could not handle both.

It was not an option for him to forget.

Inhaling sharply, she straightened her shoulders and turned back to the hospital doors. She was going to find a way.

xxxx

Eric's head snapped up as the door to his office was pushed open.

"Where are we on alternative treatments for the memory loss?" Robin asked as she sailed through the door.

Leaning back in his chair, Eric tiredly dragged his hand through his hair. "Pardon me?"

"We haven't discussed alternative treatments in a few days and I'm wondering where we are at? Have your colleagues offered anything?"

"No – nothing that's useable" he replied as his fingers tightly gripped a pen.

"Well what are you doing about it?"

They were both operating on little sleep and high anxiety. The stakes were high for both but neither felt the other understood how high.

He clenched his eyes shut and mentally counted to five. Finally opening his eyes, he answered. "I'm looking into it."

"Look harder" she snapped.

"Excuse me?" he asked, his blue eyes wide in disbelief.

"Eric, it's been five days – FIVE! The longer he goes without his memory of that time, the harder it's going to be to ever get them."

He slammed his fist down on the desk in frustration. "Don't you think I know that? Goddammit Robin, I am doing everything I can."

"Then do more – or get someone else in to help you."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" he hissed. "Do more? What more do you think I can do? I can't just pull a solution out of thin air."

She did not even flinch at the noise that echoed through the office. "No, I'm not fucking kidding you," she shot back. "What about another look around in his brain-"

"If you mean another surgery, it is out of the question. Every time I go in I risk further damage so we are not going back in unless we have to."

"You've always been cautious" she accused. "Ever since he was diagnosed."

"And you've always been sniping. Look, I get that you are pissed and sad and torn up about everything your boyfriend has been through but I am not going to change my approach just so you can feel better. Do you have ANY idea how difficult this is?"

"Do you have any idea how difficult it is for the rest of us Eric? We don't all get to be detached from it."

"Detached?" he scoffed. "So when I was in here puking up my guts and you were telling me that you understood, that was me being detached?"

Blowing out her cheeks, she took a step back. "Look, Eric I know you are doing the best you can but maybe you need help. I just don't want your….ego…. to stop you from asking for help."

"My ego?" he repeated in disbelief. "My ego. Robin, I would crawl on broken glass to the feet of the person I despise most in this world if I thought it would help Patrick. Don't you dare accuse me of not doing enough."

Helplessness welled up inside her and started to seep from her. Her knees trembled as she stood in front of him. Intellectually she knew it wasn't his fault but she needed someone to blame – someone had to be responsible because then it meant there would be some control over the situation, there would be a chance not to feel useless.

"I'm sorry" she told him tearfully. "I know you're trying but….I HATE this!" she exclaimed.

It was like a knife through his heart as she echoed what Patrick had said earlier. He was awash in failure.

"Robin, I-"

"You said you would fix him Eric. So fix him" Fearing she might implode if she stayed where she was, she turned on her heel and bolted for the door.

Eric watched powerlessly as she escaped from his office; rage coursed through his veins. Gripping the edge of his desk and with a mighty yell, he flipped it over before driving his fist into the wall.

Cradling his wrist against his chest he stumbled to the couch and sank down under the weight of so many expectations, the heaviest being his own. Closing his eyes, he let his head rest on the back of the couch and sighed.

"Looks like I got here just in time" Alexis said, standing in the doorway 


	87. Chapter 94

**Chapter 94**

When I cry, I close my eyes  
And every tear falls down inside

Eric opened his eyes and stared in disbelief at the door. "Alexis" he said quietly. "Wh-what are you doing here?"

Gently pushing his office door closed, she stepped easily over the scattered papers and files strewn across the floor as she walked to the couch. "I think the question is what are you doing here? Redecorating?"

"You should probably go," he told her listlessly, wincing as he moved his wrist around.

Arching her eyebrow, she looked at him sceptically. "You must be joking." Finally making her way to the couch, she sat down beside him. "I'm not leaving you here like this."

Tracing her fingertip underneath his eye, she shook her head. "When was the last time you slept? Or went home?"

He took in a quivering breath and stared straight ahead. "It's been busy."

"I know" she replied softly. "I've left you a couple of messages and I never heard from you. I assumed things weren't very good. So tell me, how bad is it?"

He shrugged, almost petulantly. "He has aphasia. Often times it improves in the early days after surgery but given that he's only managed to get four words out, he's going to need intensive speech therapy. And he has no memory of the last six months."

Closing her eyes Alexis exhaled slowly. She could only imagine the affect this was having on all of them. Reaching for his hand that was still cradled against his chest, she began to tenderly massage it.

"I don't think it's broken," she said.

"No" he agreed. "I'm not talented enough to break it."

"I see," she mused. "So you're thinking that what's happened to Patrick is your fault and because you haven't yet found the solution to the problem – that you think you caused – you are going to beat yourself up along with the occasional innocent wall?"

Turning to look at her he found himself as close to falling apart as he had been since he was sick. "Why is everyone so convinced it isn't my fault?"

"Why are you so convinced it is?" she challenged.

Tipping his head back on the couch, he stared up at the ceiling and tried to think of another time when his body felt so heavy. Every limb felt encased in cement. "You don't understand."

Softly threading her fingers through his thick black hair, she pressed her lips to his cheek. "So explain it to me."

"I'm a failure" he said simply. "The advance notice of my ability was terribly overstated. My…." He sucked in a breath to steady himself. "My best friend was counting on me to make him better and I have failed."

"He's alive, isn't he?" she asked quietly. "And that wasn't a given when you started his surgery. Eric," Seeing his gaze still glued to the ceiling, she cupped his chin and turned his face towards her. "You got the tumour out, he's alive – he knows everyone in his life. Is it perfect, no? But I don't think by anyone's definition it's failure."

"Maybe someone should ask Patrick that" he suggested.

Years of working as a prosecutor had made her an expert in understanding what people weren't saying as much as what they were saying. It was clear to her that what was driving Eric's sense of failure came from a place deeper than just what was going on with Patrick but until he was ready to admit it to himself, he would not be able to admit it to her.

Rising to her feet she held out her hand to him. "Let's go home"

"I can't. I have to stay and…" his voice trailed off.

"Stay and what? Find the answer?" Shaking her head, she took his hand and pulled him reluctantly to his feet. "Eric, what Patrick needs most right now is for you to be rested and clear headed. You can't live in your office and work yourself into the ground. Perspective is easiest to come by when you can think clearly."

Too exhausted to fight, he entwined his fingers through hers, grabbed his coat from the back of his chair and let her lead him out.

xxxxx

Patrick looked curiously at Robin as she came barrelling into his room. There was something very off in her behaviour but any time he had tried to pin her down on it, she had wriggled out of it, assuring him she was fine.

If he could speak – like a normal person – he knew he would be able to get out of her, to push her into telling him but the white board and his limited vocabulary were exceptionally poor substitutes for a real conversation.

It was an odd position for him to be in. With the exception of a lack of stamina and some residual pain, he felt mostly fine; he had the occasional headache but nothing severe. It was the people around him who were the walking wounded. They had convinced themselves that he could not see what was going on around him and it made him want to scream. He wanted to yell at them and tell them that just because he had speech impediment did not mean he had a thinking impediment.

Robin dangled an envelope in front of him. "Uncle Mac just sent these overnight!" she beamed.

He raised his eyebrows.

"They're photos" she told him breezily, "from Christmas and New Year's. I was thinking maybe if you saw some photos that it might trigger some memories." She pulled the chair up close to his bedside and anxiously tore open the envelope.

He frowned slightly. He wanted to fill in the missing pieces, he was eager to know what happened over the last six months but he knew that a handful of photos were not going to bridge the gap in his memory. What was worse is that he knew that Robin knew it too. But she was desperate – frantic – for him to remember.

Taking the white board, which was never out of reach, he hastily wrote a note and passed it to her.

_What did I do to you? _

Taking the board, Robin read the note several times before meeting his gaze. "You loved me" she told him with a smile.

Snatching the board from her, he shook his head as he wrote again.

_No. Something happened and you're not telling me. Did I hurt you?_

Tipping out of her chair, Robin bussed his lips. "You could never hurt me."

Groaning in frustration he quickly erased his last message and replaced it with another.

_I had a tumour. It can't have been all good. _

"Patrick, please" she asked. "Don't stress yourself. We had some challenges but we had some really great times." She held up the pictures. "I thought we could go through these."

_I'd rather you tell me what has you so wound up._

She scoffed. "I'm not wound up." Patrick angrily rolled his eyes. "I'm not," she insisted. "Baby, I just – I want you healthy and strong and I guess I'm a little impatient. But I'm fine, I promise."

_Let's go for a walk _he suggested. He hoped maybe if they could get out of his room, if he was away from the place that so loudly defined him as a patient, she might open up.

"I'm not sure you're up for it" she told him. "You had a pretty gruelling physio session today."

Angrily, he flung the white board across the room and glared at her.

"Nothing wrong with your pitching arm, I see" Noah remarked as he came in the room. The tension was palpable and he wanted to diffuse it before either of them went somewhere they did not want to go.

"How's it going today?" he asked as he picked up the board and placed it on the table. Patrick shrugged.

"He wanted to go for a walk," Robin explained, "but I think he's too tired from physio."

Noah curiously studied the look on Patrick's face and the way Robin was fidgeting with the photos in her hands. This was a train wreck waiting to happen and he had no clue if it was in his power to stop it.

Leaning against the arm of the other chair, he looked over at his son. "The Rangers are playing the Bruins tonight – do you want me to turn the game on?"

"N-n-no" he answered quietly.

"Have you given any thought on where you want to recuperate once you're released?" he asked. "If you keep progressing at the rate you are, I can't imagine you staying here more than a few more days."

"We'll go back to Port Charles" Robin answered quickly. "Marucci can take over his case and it'll be good for him to be surrounded by what he knows."

Though Robin did not see it, the frown on Patrick's face did not escape Noah's attention. Patrick took the board in his hands.  
_  
I am craving a chocolate bar._ He wrote. _Could you get me one?_

Robin smiled brightly. "Of course" she agreed. Getting to her feet, she kissed him softly on the lips before heading out the door.

Noah waited until the door was closed before turning towards his son. "Everything okay?"

"No" he said clearly. "Ma…Mooor….gah!" he growled as his tongue got in the way. Uncapping the pen, he wrote:

_Robin is in trouble. Big trouble. But she won't talk to me. _

Noah grimaced as he read the note. There was a part of him that was relieved that his son recognized what was going on; it reassured him that his cognitive functions were good. But he was worried for him. And for Robin.

"Would you like me to speak to her?"

"Y-yes" _Please_ he wrote.

"Okay Patty" he agreed softly. "I'll go take her for coffee and see what I can find out."

He tapped the board. _I love her and need her to be okay._

Noah smiled. "I know."

xxxx

Fumbling with the keys, Eric finally managed to get the apartment door open. Still holding on to Alexis' hand he crossed the threshold bringing her in behind him. Shrugging off his coat and ignoring the throbbing in his wrist, he tossed it on the back of the couch before helping her off with hers.

They stood in the middle of the living room just staring at each other. The last few days had left him feeling as though he were drowning and he just wanted something good, something real to hold on to.

Reaching out, he cupped the back of her head and drew her to him as he closed his mouth over hers in a passionate, needful kiss. Alexis curled her fingers through his belt loops and moaned softly as his tongue swept inside her mouth, tangling with hers.

As they breathlessly broke apart, she took a step back and keeping her eyes locked on him, she unbuttoned her blouse and let it fall from her shoulders to the floor. So many times in the past she had tried to save the men in her life, rescue them from themselves. Or she tried to make herself into the person they needed her to be but it was different with Eric. He took her as he found her and what he needed from her right now was to be exactly who she was, because he had already shown her that she was enough.

He eyed her appreciatively and reaching behind his neck with one hand, pulled his black turtleneck sweater from his body and tossed it aside. Reaching again for her, he pulled her back to him and unclasped her bra as he nuzzled her neck. As he hands slid down her body, he hoisted her off the ground and she wrapped her legs around him.

Their mouths were fused together as he carried her upstairs to the bedroom. He gently laid her down on the bed as he let his hands roam her soft skin. He explored her body, his lips following where his hands had been and he began to feel the blood pumping through his veins.

She pushed him on to his back and sliding off the bed, stepped out of her skirt.

He started to unzip his jeans but stopped as Alexis crawled back on the bed and placed her hand over his.

"Let me" she said softly.

She slid them from his legs and tossed them to the side of the bed. She smiled as he reached for her, bringing her back to him. They laid on their sides, facing each other, their bodies rocking in unison. She whispered tiny kisses on his cheeks, his neck and his shoulders as he wondrously touched her body, being soothed by her heat.

As they built towards the precipice, he buried his face in her neck. Shuddering as he climaxed, Alexis held him tightly. His name tore from her lips as she followed him over the edge.

There was a hint of panic in his eyes as he looked at her. He was feeling vulnerable and unsure of his footing. When he tried to untangle himself from her, she shook her head.

"Alexis" he whispered.

She tenderly kissed his lips. "I'm right here." His eyes stayed locked on hers, his fingers trailing along her skin. As his breathing lengthened, she nibbled at his bottom lip. "You can say it again," she told him quietly, "I promise I won't run away."

He gave her a small smile as he kissed her. "I'm falling in love with you."

"Me too."

xxxxxxx

Standing at the vending machine, Robin recognized Noah's footsteps as he approached. "Did something happen?" she asked urgently.

"No. He's just drifted off to sleep so the candy bar can probably wait."

As the machine deposited her purchase in the slot below, she bent down and picked it up. "Maybe he'll want it when he wakes up." Slipping it inside her purse, she started to move past Noah but stopped as he gently put a hand on her arm. "I'm going to go sit with him"

"Let me buy you a coffee instead" he suggested.

There was something in his tone that told her declining was not an option. Agreeing with a shrug of her shoulders, she followed him to the cafeteria.

Noah suggested she take a seat and he would take care of the coffee. As she found a seat in the far corner of a place that was beginning to feel like a second home, she nervously twisted her purse strap in her hands.

She wondered what Noah wanted to speak with her about. She knew that she had perhaps been unfair to Eric and maybe he had heard about it. She would apologize for her choice of words but not for fighting for Patrick. He was going to get better, he was going to recover his memory and she did not care whose feelings she had to hurt in the process.

"I got us some cookies too" Noah said as he sat down across from her. "I know I probably should have bought fruit instead but the cookies seemed infinitely more appetizing."

Robin smiled gratefully as she broke off a piece of the chocolate chip cookie and popped it in to her mouth.

Never very good at beating around the bush, he just dove in. "Robin, is everything okay?"

"Why? Did Eric say something?"

He knit his brow together. "Eric? No. It's just…you seem very tense – more so than usual. Can I help?"

"Honestly Noah" she smiled gamely, "I'm fine. I'm a little tired like we all are but I just want Patrick to get better."

"We all do" he reminded her.

"I know that"

Sighing softly, Noah realized she was not that unlike his son. Both had spent decades building walls and when they put them up, they were nearly impenetrable. He decided to try a different track.

"Robin, I feel I need to caution you about speaking for Patrick."

Her brown eyes widened in shock. "Pardon me?" she asked tightly.

"Earlier, when I asked Patrick where he might like to recuperate, you answered for him."

"Noah, he can't answer for himself-"

"The thing is," he interrupted her, "he can. He may not be able to speak clearly but he can communicate and you have to let him do so."

"I don't understand. You think he's going to want to recuperate here after he gets out? Port Charles is his home-"

"And Eric is his doctor and his doctor is here. Maybe he wants to stay here or maybe he wants to go back to Port Charles but the decision is his. If he couldn't make the decision for some reason, then it would be mine to make."

She could feel her rage boiling up inside her. She was trying to look out for Patrick, to get him back to their life together and yet somehow she was continually being met with resistance. "Do you have a point?"

His face softened as he smiled kindly at the young doctor. He was trying to get her to articulate her fear or her worry – whatever it was that was eating at her – because until she did, it was going to chase her and run her into the ground. Conscious of her earlier health issues, he could not let that happen to her – Patrick needed it not to happen to her.

"My point is this. His inability to remember the last six months is difficult for all of us and as someone who went through the ringer because of him, I'm assuming it's especially painful for you. Robin, you don't have to keep it all together. It's okay to bend and flow with what's happening rather than being rigid and trying not to be knocked down."

"You act like you're okay with it but there's no way you can be" she accused. "He doesn't remember what he wrote to you Noah. Whatever sense of peace you got from that letter he wrote, he doesn't remember it. So stop trying to act like it's not a big deal. You're accusing me of denying my feelings but I think the only person denying things here is you." Her fury lashed across the table at him and he absorbed the blow undeterred.

"Robin, it doesn't make what he wrote any less true just because he doesn't remember it. He doesn't need to remember it for it to be true. I can do that for both of us until he does. And the same goes for you."

Frustrated, angry and heartbroken at it all, she pushed back her chair and rose to her feet. "Spare me your psychobabble Noah. My only interest is in getting Patrick better and I think that is better achieved in Port Charles surrounded by all that he knows and trusts. He will remember because I'm going to make sure he does. The rest of you may want to live and let live but he needs an advocate and that's me. I won't apologize for that."

Snatching her purse, she stormed from the cafeteria in search of any place where it didn't feel like the walls were closing in.

Leaning back in his chair, Noah dragged his hand over his face as he watched her leave. The cost of his son's illness had yet to be fully realized. 


	88. Chapter 95

**Chapter 95**

My heart is barely hanging by a thread

Looking up as the door to his room pushed open, Patrick smiled at Robin standing there; he waved her in.

He was relieved to see her. His father had returned the night before after his conversation with her and reported that she had been less than forthcoming about what she was struggling with. Noah had offered his own theories. He had let him know as gently as he could that the last few months had been difficult on every one and that he believed the effects were just now catching up with Robin. Noah had encouraged him to be patient, loving and understanding as she tried to find her way.

He had marvelled at his father. He was more confident and sure of himself than he had been in quite some time. Though he was at a loss to understand what brought about the transformation, he was hopeful that he was once again becoming the father he had always been to him – the man who had been missing in his life for so long.

As he looked at his girlfriend his heart felt heavy. She was crumbling under the weight of the pain she was carrying but he was completely unsuccessful in getting her to talk about it. There was much about the way that she was carrying herself that reminded him of how she came apart after April Gilbert's death. And he wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and kiss away her fears and her worries.

He flipped back the covers on his bed and patted the space beside him. Dropping her purse on the chair, she shyly climbed in beside him and swept her hand across his chest. He tipped her chin up towards him and delicately kissed her.

"Hi" she greeted him quietly, threading her legs through his.

Being near him, having him touch her, left her feeling as though she could actually exhale. After her argument with Noah the night before, she had stormed from the hospital and walked the streets hoping almost to get lost. If she could lose herself, even for an hour, then she wouldn't be continually reminded of how tenuous everything felt. By her best guess she had walked for almost three hours, threading in and out of the maddening crowds in Times Square. Hit by exhaustion, she checked into the first hotel she found and slept for several hours before returning to the hospital.

"How are you feeling today?" she asked.

Patrick nodded. Reaching for the white board, he started to write.

_I feel okay. Spoke to my dad about being released. I'd like to go to the Hamptons_

Chewing on her bottom lip as Noah's words about Patrick being more than capable of speaking for himself echoed in her ears, she nodded. "Of course," she replied, not quite meeting his gaze. "Wherever you would be most comfortable."

_Will you stay with me there? _

Her eyes pricked with tears unshed as she looked up at him. Her head was a jumble of confusing emotions and thoughts and she barely knew where she stood on any front, let alone with him. During her walk the night before she had asked herself if Noah was trying, on Patrick's behalf, to get her to leave – that somehow Patrick didn't want her around.

"Of course I will" she replied hoarsely. Her mind wandered to the To Do list tucked away in her wallet and how visiting his house in the Hamptons was on it.

Watching as he wiped the board clean, she laughed out loud as he drew the beginnings of the Hangman game.

"Really?" she asked with a small grin. "We're playing hangman?"

He nodded and passed a pen to her. _You guess_ he wrote. Draping his arm around her, he kissed the top of her head as she guessed at the letters.

She groaned as he drew the head on the body at her first missed letter. As the body and both legs appeared her competitive spirit fired up and she was determined to beat him. His laughter vibrated against her body as she guessed the word.

F R E C K L E S

"Freckles?" she asked laughingly. Patrick nodded. "You like my freckles?"

"Y-yes" he said quietly as he softly kissed the end of her nose.

Robin's eyes fluttered closed as she felt his breath against her skin. Somehow he had a way of quieting her – he always had. And as his lips made contact with hers she could felt her heart slow to a steady beat.

He cleared the board again and wrote out the blocks for another word. Robin snuggled in closer to him as he did so, enjoying the small reprieve of normalcy in the midst of so much unknown.

Her guesses were much better this time and Patrick only got a chance to draw the head before she deduced the word.

B R A V E

Her breath hitched as she said the word out loud. Patrick threaded his hands through her hair and nuzzled his lips against her cheek. If necessity was the mother of invention then he needed to do whatever he could, in whatever way he could, to get her to open up to him.

"You think I'm brave?" she asked in a whisper.

He nodded sincerely before stealing a kiss and starting on his next phrase. Robin thought she had guessed it as soon as he laid it out but much to her chagrin, had not quite got it right. Facing the drawing of the first arm on her hangman, she shook her head and blurted it out.

"I loves you?"

"Y-yes" he grinned.

Propping herself up on her elbow she reached out and stroked his face. "Why loves?" she asked.

_Because love isn't a big enough word_

Taking his face in her hands, she kissed him passionately. Her tongue swept inside his mouth in search of his and they both groaned as they tangled around each other. His hand travelled up and down the length of her back, gently pulling her closer to him. He wanted her to feel safe with him, to feel that she could open up and trust him. The wound on his head was visible to anyone who came into the room but the wound on her heart was equally as visible to those who knew her and he wanted to care for her the way she was caring for him.

They breathlessly broke the kiss and stared at each other for several moments. Catching sight of a shiny silver pendant hanging around her neck, he reached out and gently fingered it. He had seen a design like that before and though he had difficulty recalling its name, he knew it was of Irish origin.

Robin looked down at his hand holding the pendant that was like a life raft to her and then looked back at him.

_It's beautiful_ he wrote.

Biting down hard on the inside of her cheek, she replied. "You gave it to me."

He looked at her in surprise. _I did?_

She nodded, her heart cracking and shattering as it felt like everything that she had clung to to get her through had no meaning to anyone but her. The necklace had been such a symbol for them both – a beacon at times – and now it was just one more puzzle piece that he did not recognize. She faintly wondered if he had seen his tattoo yet – if he knew that he had needed his own beacon to hold on to when times had been tough.

Her heart started to pound inside her chest again and her mind was suddenly engulfed in a fog. The world – or at least her part of it – was crashing down around her and she needed to get away before she was buried under the rubble.

Swinging her feet to the floor she slipped from the bed, standing just out of his reach. Not looking at him, she reached for her purse. "I just remembered" she stammered nervously, "there's an errand I have to run – I…uh…I promised….uh….I just I have to go do something."

As she headed towards the door, she was stopped in her tracks by the sound of Patrick's fist landing on the table. Slowly turning around she raised her eyes to meet his.

_Where are you going?_

"I have to do something" she answered with forced brightness, "I promise I'll be back shortly."

"N-NO!" he shouted, wincing at the sharp in his head as he did so. Having succeeded in getting her attention, he scribbled furiously on his board.

_Tell me what's wrong. Please. Let me help you Robin – don't leave._

"I'm fine" she dismissed breezily as her throat started to constrict. "I…just…I'll be back in a bit, okay?" Before he could make another move, she snuck out the door and disappeared down the hallway.

Staring in disbelief and afraid for his girlfriend, Patrick inhaled sharply and pushed the covers back. He had waited his whole life for a love like hers and he wasn't about to allow her to disintegrate before his eyes. Unsteadily, he placed his feet on the floor.

He had to go get her. 


	89. Chapter 96

**Chapter 96**

My hands are barely holding up my head

As tears blurred her eyes Robin careened down the hallway. Her heart was racing so fast it was as though it might beat right out of her chest. It was all crumbling around her – she had tried so hard to keep it together, tried to be strong enough, supportive enough but it didn't matter. None of it mattered.

Throwing open the door, she barged into the office. "You said you would fix him" she hurled through gritted teeth. "And you didn't."

Shocked, Eric looked up from his notes and swallowed thickly as he saw the angry young woman before him. Her cheeks were bright red and her face pinched; she trembled with fury as she stood before him and her pain was palpable.

She looked on the outside as he felt on the inside.

"Robin" he said softly, rising from his chair and walking towards her. "Has something happened?"

"You mean other than him not remembering ANYTHING? We s-s-said things to each other," she stammered, "we shared things and he can't remember it. He has NO CLUE about any of it. What did you do to him?" she demanded hotly, willing herself not to cry.

There had to be someone to blame for this. There had to be a place to lay fault because the alternative meant that it was random and that maybe there would be no fixing it. She had come through too much for this not to work out.

He continued to move towards her and gently put an arm on her shoulder. "Robin, you need to calm down" he suggested quietly, "you're winding yourself up-"

Slapping his hand away, she missed the painful grimace on his face as she made contact with his bandaged wrist. "Don't fucking patronize me" she hissed. "Don't you dare patronize me."

"I'm not trying to patronize you" he answered slowly. She was coming apart in front of his very eyes and the knowledge that he had contributed to this or even caused it, pierced his chest making it difficult to breathe.

"You have done nothing" she accused, "NOTHING to help him remember. You act like your job here is done, well it's not. When he woke up the first time he remembered everything – EVERYTHING! It was only when you went back in that he lost his memory. So tell me Eric, what did you do? Hmm?"

His light blue eyes shimmered with tears. His own guilt was eating at him and Robin's words were like salt on the wound. "I don't know" he replied in a small voice.

His acknowledgement was the just the pole she needed to tether her fear and pain to and she took full advantage. "You don't know?" she snickered. "But you know you did something?"

xxxxx

Patrick stood in the hallway, gripping his i.v. pole and felt his chest tighten. Without a doubt in his mind he knew that something had happened leading up to his tumour. His girlfriend and his best friend were like two people drowning with one pulling the other one down with him. He had done this to them and he didn't know how to fix it but he knew he needed to somehow.

His head throbbed as he stood listening.

"Patrick?"

Looking over his shoulder, he saw his father walking towards him.

"Sport, what are you doing out of-" As the raised voices from inside the office spilled out into the hall, Noah stopped mid sentence. "Oh."

"Dad" he said hoarsely with a pleading look in his eyes.

Noah took hold of him underneath his shoulder. "Son, you need to get back to bed."

He shook his head, grimacing from the pain. "N-n-no"

"Patty," he told him softly, "you can't stop what's happening in there. It has been building for a while and they need to lance the wound."

His rich brown eyes misted over and his face crumpled. The two people he swore he would never hurt were tearing themselves and each other apart over him. It was almost more than he could bear.

xxxxx

Eric gritted his teeth. "I don't know Robin. Do you think you are the only person here who is reeling? I close my eyes at night and the only thing I dream of – the ONLY thing is his surgery. And every night I see some new mistake – a slip of the hand, a piece of the tumour not removed – and I wake up in a cold sweat. I don't know if I did something to cause this Robin and it is killing me."

His words faintly penetrated her armour. "You aren't doing anything to fix it either" she hissed.

"What would you have me do? You know as well as I do that there isn't a whole lot available to fix it and what is available is high risk"

"And we all know how you feel about risk" she shot back.

He sighed heavily as the shot landed exactly where she had hoped it would. "I am no cowboy" he told her. "And I am not going to put any patient, least of all this one, in a situation where I am less than confident of the outcome. I am a good surgeon Robin – maybe even a great one and I have been preparing my whole life for this. When I came out on the other side of cancer and realized all that I had lost just to stay alive, I knew then that I was meant to dedicate my life to being the best fucking surgeon I can be and that's what I've done."

Tears streamed down her face. She had someone to blame, someone who was taking responsibility for the situation and yet she felt no better. There was no relief to the burden on her heart and in her mind. She felt as though she was crumbling and all she wanted was for someone to feel as badly as she did.

"Well you failed"

Eric staggered backwards as though he had been hit. Hearing the words out loud that had been taunting him in his head for so long unleashed a torrent of emotions that he had been holding at bay for a very long time. His worries about not being enough – either as a man or a doctor – seemed to be confirmed.

"I'm sorry" he croaked, his voice thickening with tears sliding down his throat. "Robin, I am so sorry"

"It's not enough!!" she cried as she ran from the room.

She skidded to a stop as she came face to face with Patrick in the hall. She was mortified that he had heard her, embarrassed that she was no longer able to hold it together.

He took a step towards her, desperate to hold her in his arms but she moved away from him. With a shake of her head, she sprinted down the hall and out of sight. He looked to his father.

"P-p-please" he said. It took so much energy for him to get the word out.

"I'll go" he told him, "right after I get you back into bed."

"I'll take him" Eric said quietly, coming to the door. "I can't help Robin but I think you might be able to."

Noah looked from his son to his friend and back again. The anguished, pleading look on his son's face was all he needed. He nodded and headed down the hall.

Taking Patrick under his arm, he slowly led him back to his room. "You must be out of your mind" he admonished him quietly. "I know you may have some short term memory issues but you didn't forget your medical training and you know you have no business getting out of bed without assistance."

Patrick opened his mouth to protest but as per usual, the words would not come. He groaned in frustration at his lack of communication. At least in his room there was the board and the time had come for him to get some answers. And Eric was going to give them to him.

Perspiring and breathing heavily by the time they got back to his room, he was grateful to see his bed. He groaned as Eric tucked his legs under the blanket and he sank back into the pillows.

As he readjusted his i.v. bag, Eric looked at him over his shoulder. "I bet your head is pounding something fierce" he surmised. When Patrick gave him a slight nod, he stepped out in the hallway and ordered some pain medication for him. When he came back into the room, his friend was holding up the board.

_I want answers_

He smiled weakly. "I don't suppose you're playing a game of 'finish that movie quote'?" he joked tiredly.

Patrick narrowed his eyes. _What happened to your wrist?_

"I sprained it" he replied, not quite meeting his eyes.

_How? And don't lie – I'll find out_

Rolling his eyes, he exhaled slowly. "I punched a wall."

_Dumbass_

"Thanks very much asshole" he shot back.

_You and Robin are falling apart. Because of me. What did I do?_

"You didn't do anything. I'm fine. Robin is really worried about you and-" He didn't finish his sentence as Patrick angrily slammed the board against the table.

_I am not deaf. I am not stupid. Tell me how bad it was. You are beating yourself up – why? _

Closing his eyes, he sank down on the edge of his friend's bed. "You were very sick Patrick," he told him quietly. "Your surgery was scheduled for last Thursday but you had a seizure that left you unresponsive. You arrested and Robin revived you."

Several tears trickled down from the corners of his eyes as he took one shallow breath after another. Looking at Eric, he begged him for more.

"The first surgery went well- you were recovering nicely but you had another seizure and we needed to go back in. You had some internal haemorrhaging but we were able to control it."

_How sick was I before? _

A few tears slid from his face and landed on the white board.

"Very" he told him softly. "You had gone through radiation, steroids and were on chemo. We had to give you a feeding tube as you weren't tolerating the side effects of the chemo very well at all. The tumour was growing at a rapid rate and you were losing both sensitivity and fine motor ability in your hands."

He had wanted the truth, there was no doubt but hearing it – trying to imagine what it was like to live like that – knocked the breath from his body. It didn't make sense but he was suddenly afraid. He was afraid for the pain he may have endured, for the pain those around him endured and he was suddenly worried about what came next.

The amazing thing about not remembering the last six months was the freedom it gave him to live in the moment and concentrate on exactly what was before him. But that was all away now and as he clenched his jaw to stop himself from crying out, he was apprehensive about what came next.

"Look dude" Eric started gently, seeing the worry on his friend's face. "There is a lot of road yet to cover and we'll do it. You're progressing really well and I'm pleased with the return of your fine motor skills. Though if you get out of bed again unassisted, I am going to put you in restraints."

Patrick smiled weakly and scribbled another message on the board.

_How did you become my doctor?_

Dropping his eyes to the floor, he took several quiet breaths to gather himself before looking back at him. "Because you asked me to."

Echoes of conversations and arguments rang in his head but nothing concrete enough to fill in any of his other missing pieces.

Patting his leg, Eric rose to his feet. "I know you're worried about Robin but try and get some rest. Your dad will take good care of her."

Giving a watery smile he nodded and wrote quickly.

_Stop punching walls. _

Smiling wryly, he nodded. "Yes boss"

As he was left alone in the stony silence of his room Patrick could not help but think there was so much more to the story than anyone was telling him.

xxxx

Noah could hear her quiet sobs as he climbed the stairs to the top floor. When he got there, she was sitting on the last step with her head cradled in her hands. A steady stream of tears fell into her lap leaving dark splotches on her jeans where they landed. He sat down beside her and waited.

With one shuddering breath after another, she gulped at the air. She held her necklace in her hands running her fingertips over and over the outline.

"H-he didn't remember giving it to me" she said quietly.

"And that was hard" Noah offered.

She nodded. "I….I need him to remember" she whimpered quietly. "He has to remember."

"Why?" Noah prodded gently.

"Because" She let out a strangled sob, her eyes still firmly glued to her lap. "Because I can't be the only one who remembers. I'm tired of being the only one – of not being able to share my memories."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm the only one who remembers" she said sadly. "It's always me alone with the memories because everyone else is gone or dead. There is no one in my life who remembers my grandmother except my parents but they aren't around. My stepfather was one the most important people in my life but I have no one to talk about him with. And I am alone with the memories of Stone." She gulped for air. "For so long it was just me because Sonny wanted nothing to do with me and now it's happening again. I f-f-finally fall in love again and some of the most amazing moments happened in the last six months and he…..he has no idea."

"Oh Robin" he sighed, gathering the young woman in his arms. She dampened his shirt as her tears poured down her face and her body was wracked with sobs. "Shhh" he soothed. "It's okay Robin – you're going to be okay."

He understood how destabilizing that feeling could be. He had been so successfully in pushing people out of his life that in those rare moments when he had been sober, there had been no one to talk about Mattie with. Memories could be a comfort but unshared, they tended to grow in weight and heft. The mind could play terrible tricks and leave you wondering if the memories were real or something you imagined.

Her face was buried against his shoulder as she continued to cry. Now that she had given voice to her fears, the floodgates opened. Noah simply held her and let her cry. He knew he was a poor substitute for his son but hoped it was enough for her to hold on to.

As the tears finally dried, she lifted her head and looked at him through her puffy, swollen eyes. "I'm not doing very well" she admitted quietly.

"I know sweetheart" he agreed with a small smile. "I think more than anything what you need right now is to rest. Robin, you have been through so much in the last year and any number of these things would have sent a lesser person to their knees. It's okay to say you need a break."

"I don't want him to feel alone."

"The only thing Patrick is feeling right now is worried about you. He is much more sensitive to other people's behaviour and feelings than most people know and even if he didn't love you like mad, he'd still know you were having a hard time."

"There have been conversations and moments in the last six months that were some of the most amazing, honest and loving that I have ever experienced."

"Are you worried that if he had to do over again, he might choose differently?"

Her brown eyes shimmered again with tears. "Maybe" she whispered, swiping at her eyes.

"I know my son" he told her with a smile, "and I know that there is nothing that can change how he feels about you."

Her bottom lip quivered as she opened her mouth to speak. "I have been really mean to you and Eric and I am so very sorry."

He shook his head. "No apologies needed on my end." Reaching for her hand, he gave it a squeeze. "Here's what I'd like to do and I want you tell me if you're okay with it. I want to take you back to Eric's place – Alexis is there – and we'll make some dinner and then I'd like you to go to bed, with a small sedative, and sleep."

"I don't like the idea of a sedative," she protested quietly.

"I know but I don't think you've slept more than about 2 hours a night for the last five days. No one can function like that and your ability – anyone's ability – to cope with what life throws at them is severely compromised when they're exhausted."

"What about Patrick?"

"Once we get you settled, then I'll come back and tell him where things are at. Then after you're more rested, you can come back to the hospital and be with him."

She covered her mouth with her hand and inhaled sharply.

"It's a pace not a race" he told her, "and we have a long road ahead of us." Standing up, he held his hand out to her. "What do you say?"

Robin was still for several beats as she tried to ignore the voice in her head that told her she was quitting. Darren's words about emotional immunity being as important as physical immunity suddenly drowned out everything else and with a tearful smile she nodded and placed her hand in his. 


	90. Chapter 97

Chapter 97

**Chapter 97**

All I can do is love you to pieces  
Give you a shoulder to cry on when you need it

Alexis rapped lightly on the door before gently pushing it open. "I've made some tea" she said, smiling as she came through the door. "It's on the list of the five things I can make without poisoning people."

Robin managed a weak smile and waved her in.

True to his word, Noah had taken her back to Eric's apartment and set her up in Patrick's room. She had rifled through his drawers and finding an old battered sweatshirt, slid it over her head and wrapped the soft cotton around her. She had pulled the collar to his nose and closed her eyes as she inhaled his scent. Her muscles and bones had screamed with exhaustion and as she crawled under the covers she suddenly could not imagine where she would get the strength to get out of bed again.

Noah had left a sleeping pill on the nightstand and reassured her again that he would take care of Patrick while she rested. She had heard the hushed tones outside the bedroom door, no doubt he had been bringing Alexis up to speed on her meltdown. Normally she would have cringed at the mere hint of anyone knowing she had crumbled but she was too tired, too wrung out to care.

She accepted the steaming mug from Alexis and wrapped her hands around it. The heat from it slowly worked its way through her, bringing some much needed warmth to her.

"How are you doing?" she asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"I freaked out" she admitted in a small voice. Her gaze dropped to the steam billowing from the mug.

Alexis gave a small shrug. "We all hit the wall sooner or later Robin and there is no shame in that."

"No but there can be in how you handle it as you run into the wall and I-" her eyes misted over again. Every time she was sure she was cried out, more tears would appear. As she swiped hurriedly at them, convinced she now had an unending supply, she shook her head. "I was awful Alexis - I was mean to Noah and I was...I have been cruel to Eric."

Putting a comforting hand on her leg, Alexis smiled. "Robin, you are one of the kindest people I know and you will find a way to make this right when you're stronger. You always do. It's one of the things I admire about you."

Taking a long sip from the tea and letting it run soothingly down her throat, Robin raised her eyebrows. "I'm not sure there's much to admire about me. I don't know....I just...it felt like I was spinning out of control and the more I tried to stop myself the worse it got. I don't know how that happened."

"It happened because you're exhausted and you're worried and you're hurt by Patrick having left last month. And sometimes, when a person has already lost so much in their life, the mere hint of it happening can send them over the edge."

"That's the thing though," she said softly, "I haven't lost him. He's here, he's alive and he still loves me."

"Robin, I think both you and Noah, whether you want to admit it or not, were preparing yourselves for the possiblity of Patrick not surviving. And when he did you were grateful. But the euphoria of that has worn off and now you're left dealing with the reality of it all and that's hard."

"I'm so embarrassed," she whispered.

"Nah, you're just being human."

Robin swallowed thickly and leaned her back against the pillows. "I...I was going to an HIV support group at home and it made me feel really strong being there. It was positive and a place to vent if I needed it. But when Patrick was diagnosed with the tumour, I stopped going. I found every excuse in the book not to go and thought I was strong enough to handle it on my own. A friend warned me that I needed to go back and I guess he was right."

"May I ask what made you stop going?" she prodded.

Inhaling sharply, she shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. Maybe...I don't know."

"Well don't try and figure it out all at once. Right now, I think you should concentrate on feeling better."

Nodding, Robin reached for the tablet Noah had left and placed it under her tongue. She had much to make up for but Alexis was right, she needed to get back on her feet before she did.

******  
Hearing the door to his room creak open, Patrick's eyes flew open and he looked anxiously as his father stepped inside.

"Go back to sleep Sport" he told him as he pushed the door closed.

Patrick shook his head and reached for his board.

_Robin?_

Noah smiled as he settled into the chair at his bedside. "She's okay - she's at Eric's and is going to sleep for a while. She's exhausted."

_Eric told me I was very sick. Said I arrested and seized._

He nodded. "You were very ill Patrick." He was unable to keep his voice as steady as he would have liked. There were moments where an image of his son barely hanging on would flash into his mind and it was enough sap him of his strength. "But you're on track for a full recovery, right after we tackle the aphasia and the memory loss."

_What if I don't remember?_

Worry framed his face. Ever since his conversation with Eric his mind had been racing with a multitude of scenarios of what the last several months had been like. He was well versed on the ways a brain tumour could affect behaviour and emotions and he had an inkling that he had been more difficult than anyone was letting on. The people in his life, who were looking a little beat up, did not get that way in five days. The looks on their faces was months in the making.

"You may not remember it all" Noah admitted honestly, interrupting his thoughts, "but you will get most of it back - I'm sure of that. And we can fill in the details along the way."

Patrick smiled wryly. _You don't have to stay_ he wrote

Noah looked at him carefully. Robin had been right about one thing - Patrick certainly didn't remember forgiving him and it was entirely possible that he was still holding on to much of the resentment that he had carried with him for more than a decade. "Do you want me to go?" he asked, biting back his nervousness.

He shook his head. _You just shouldn't feel obligated_

His softened and his hazel eyes dampened with tears. "I don't feel obligated," he told him softly. "Though I seem to remember when you had your tonsils out you hated waking up alone in the hospital room and would harass the nurses constantly for company so I'm just really here for the protection of the nurses" he joked.

A small laugh escaped from his throat. _Did you bring your book?_

Noah nodded. He had taken to reading from his journal to him while he slept; it was as much for his own selfish needs as it was for Patrick. Reading it was like dipping his toes back in the water - he was testing his tolerance to remember the past and was finding it the water to be fine. Patrick had woken up one night as he was reading and Noah's cheeks had burned a deep crimson at being caught. He tried to stammer an explanation and had closed the book over but Patrick had reached out from his bed and touched his hand. Scribbling down a note, he had asked him to continue reading. It had taken Noah completely by surprise and he had been unsure about it but Patrick had insisted, as best he could, and Noah finally capitulated. It was now their ritual.

"Close your eyes then." Reaching into his pocket he pulled out his glasses and the small black leatherbound book, letting the pages fall open. He smiled at the passage that appeared.

"I took Patrick to the race track for the first time today and I think he fell in love. He was definitely the only eight year old boy there marching up to the drivers in the paddock and asking them about their engines and their tires."

Patrick smirked and nodded, remembering that day very well.

"Troy Hotlz was so taken with my precocious son, he picked him up and put him in the cockpit of his car. Like a natural, Patrick's little hands closed over the steering wheel and though his legs were far too short to even come close to the pedals that didn't seem to stop him from moving them in time with his hands. Holtz said that Patty had good timing and reflexes and would make an excellent go kart driver. Unfortunately for me, Patty heard Holtz and all he talked about for the entire ride home was wanting to race a go kart. We were barely through the door when he went running in search of Mattie to announce to her that he was going to be a car racer and that I had promised to let him race go karts.

The look she gave me told me that I may be spending some time on the couch. My protests that I did not actually promise him anything seemed to fall on deaf ears as Patty could only talk about when he would start and Mattie muttered something about me being irresponsible. He ran around the house making racing noises, setting up tracks for him to run through while his mother and I argued. He didn't seem remotely concerned by our disagreement. Typical of the little man he had already made up mind and now would wait patiently for everyone else to catch up to him. I am already dreading his teenage years."

Looking up from his book his saw that his son was asleep. The anxiety that had been present on his face seemed to be erased and his chest was rising and falling in a slow, steady rhythm. There was so much road left to travel for all of them but he believed as he had believed few other things in his life, that they would get there.

"My beautiful boy" he whispered as he closed the book.

*******  
Seeing Alexis wander through the door and look around the pub, Eric slid out from the booth and gave her a small wave. Alexis grinned and threaded her way through the groups of people to get to him.

"Hi"

Eric smiled as he cupped her face, kissing her softly. "Hi" he finally said as he let go of her lips. As he sat back down, he gave a half smile as she slid in beside him rather than on the other side of the table.

She entwined her fingers through his. "I hear you had a tough day" she told him.

He shrugged non-chalantly. "Comes with the job" he replied.

"Robin says she took a piece out of you."

"How is she?" he asked, ignoring her statement.

"She's struggling but Noah convinced her to go to bed and sleep. She's one of the strongest people I know and so I expect she'll bounce back rather quickly. How about you?"

Eric stared into her eyes as he tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "I know an Irish pub is a poor substitute for Bar Americain but I just wanted something casual tonight."

Alexis gave him a knowing smile. "You're trying very hard not to talk about what happened today. How come?"

Reaching for his beer, he took a long drink from it before setting his glass back down on the table. "I just don't want to. You know, it may be a number of years since I've dated but I do seem to recall it being bad form to vomit up all of one's issues a month and half into a relationship."

She stroked his cheek as she searched his eyes, trying to get past the blue wall. "Do you think I'm afraid or put off by your issues? 'Cause I'm not. And Eric this is a pretty extraordinary circumstance. I want you to feel like you can talk about it with me - I don't want you to be afraid to share things."

He closed his mouth over hers in a slow, languid kiss. Pulling back, he let out a small sigh. "I'm...I'm not afraid" he told her quietly, "but for a few hours I'd really, really like to forget about all of it. Do you think you can help me with that?"

Sweeping her hand across his chest, she nodded. "I most definitely can."

They settled into an easy banter with each other and despite the drone of people around them, they both felt as though they were the only two people in the pub. Embracing the security he provided her, Alexis opened up more about her past telling him some of the mistakes she had made along the way and how she was working to get out bad patterns. Both still somewhat tentative about the depth of what was happening between them, they discussed the best way to keep seeing each other. As their food arrived, Eric mocked her as she tried to maneouver her way around the plate of chicken wings. His teasing only spurred her on and she unabashedly licked her fingers in triumph as she polished off five wings and dumping the bones on his plate.

His heart flipped over in his chest as she reached for his hand and licked the bbq sauce from his fingers. Pushing her up against the corner of the booth, he seized her lips with his in a possessive kiss as he swept his tongue inside her mouth. His hands trailed down her sides and burrowed surreptitiously under her sweater. Feeling his fingertips against her skin, Alexis kissed him with urgency and pressed her body against his. Normally restrained and painfully proper in public, there was something about him, about the way he made her feel that allowed her to throw caution to the wind and not overthink things.

"You're vibrating" she whispered as ran his tongue in small circles against her neck.

"Damn right I am" he replied, suckling on the soft skin.

She reluctantly pulled away. "No, Eric - your beeper - it's vibrating."

Groaning, he lifted his head and pulled the offending beeper from his belt. Glancing at the message, he sighed. "It's Patrick - I have to go."


	91. Chapter 98

Chapter 98

**Chapter 98**

You left something undone and now it's your rerun

Patrick's hands twitched and trembled and his head rolled back against the pillow in the grips of a nightmare. He was struggling to wake up but could not break free from the hold it had on him. His heart hammered against his ribs as his breathing became shallower.

_"I can't understand you" Robin told him. "I don't know what you are saying. All I know is that you left me and I needed you - you broke your promise and you broke my heart. I am too tired to go on like this." She inched towards the ledge. "I am too tired and too sad" She stepped back on the ledge._

Patrick tried to grab hold of her but she simply moved out his way. His body shook and the pain in his head was intense as he tried to get to her. He felt a momentary sense of relief as she sat down on the ledge and as he paused to catch his breath, he watched in horror as she tipped backwards falling to the street below.

"NOOOOOOOOO!!" he screamed.

Still not fully awake, he sat up screaming and ripped his i.v. from his arm. Frantically kicking back the covers he swung his legs to the floor and pushed himself out of bed, ignoring the rush of blood away from his head as he did so. He shuffled to the door and with a forced exertion pulled the door open and started to wander down the hall.

"Ooobin" he cried, banging on the wall with his fist.

Two nurses approached him, attempting to calm him down but ducked as he threw a food tray at them.

"Ooobin!" he called out again, slapping the wall. He stumbled, tripping over his feet but managed to keep himself upright.

As one nurse called for an orderly, Noah came racing down the hall. "Patrick!"

"OOOBIN!!" he yelled, tears streaming down his face. Grabbing hold of the door frame, he banged his forehead against it until Noah managed to get behind him and closing his arms around him pulled him away from the door.

"Patrick" he called to him, "Patrick wake up! You need to wake up."

His knees shook as he sobbed and it took all of Noah's strength to keep him on his feet. Looking over his shoulder, he called to the nurse to bring him a wheelchair and he gently sat his weeping son in it. Crouching down in front of him, he patted his legs.

"Patty – Patrick – wake up!"

His brown eyes darted wildly around him as he continued to mutter Robin's name over and over again. Finally the sound of his father's voice broke through the fog and he gasped loudly as he broke free from the nightmare.

"D-d-dad" His chest heaved with rapid, shallow breaths.

Noah blew out his cheeks in relief as his son started to focus. "Take a deep breath Patrick" he guided him gently. "Deep and slow"  
"Ooobin?" he asked urgently, looking around the hall for her.

"She's at Eric's, asleep. Now take a breath"

With his eyes locked on his father, he took one long breath after another until it no longer felt as though his heart was going to explode out of his chest.

"I think we should consider placing him in the psych ward" came a voice from the group gathered around.

Swivelling his head around in search of the offending speaker, Noah narrowed his eyes. "He is not a psych case" he bit out. "He is a neurological case and you will not be moving him anywhere."

Not swayed by the older man crouched protectively in front of his son, a young, cocky doctor stepped forward. "I am the attending on duty and with all due respect I think I'm better placed to make that judgement than you are."

Patrick nervously grabbed for his father's hand, not understanding how he had wound up in the hallway and why he was suddenly being talked about as a psych patient.

Holding on to his son's hand, Noah rose to his full height and glared at the doctor. "You can take your respect and shove it. I'm a neurosurgeon and I'm perfectly well placed to judge what is and isn't a psych case. I'm taking my son back to his room and hopefully one of you has managed to page Doctor Smitherman."

Taking hold of the handles on the back of the chair he pushed his son down the hall and back into his room. As gently as he could, he helped him to his feet and back into his bed. Seeing the i.v. tubing trailing along the ground, he looked quickly at Patrick and saw blood running down his arm. Grabbing a couple of tissues, he pressed them against his arm to stop the bleeding.

Encased in a cold sweat and shivering, Patrick continued to look around the room for Robin. The nightmare had been frighteningly vivid though it made little sense to him. He didn't understand how he had lied to Robin or broken her heart and he was overwhelmed with a need to see her. He wanted to touch her, hold her, make sure she was all right and that she understood that he loved her.

Noah pulled the blankets up to his shoulders and patted his shoulder. "It's all right Patrick – it's going to be all right."

"Ooobin?" he asked again, his eyes welling with tears of fear and frustration.

What if something had happened to Robin they were afraid to tell him – afraid it would impact his recovery – and kept it from him? He could not make himself understood and it was killing him.

"Robin is fine" Noah reassured him again. "She's at Eric's resting. You saw her a few hours ago, remember?" He opened his mouth but was too exhausted to wrap his tongue around any more words.

"Son, did you have a nightmare?" he asked.

There was something familiar about his abject panic, reminding him of when he had found him out of bed just after his first surgery. Patrick seemed to have no memory of it following his second surgery but he believed then as he did now that something drove him from his bed. There was some need or worry that he needed resolved and he knew his son well enough to know that Robin was likely the only person who could provoke such a reaction in him.

Nodding, Patrick jerked his head towards the white board on the nightstand. Noah placed it in his lap and put the pen between his fingers. His hand shook slightly as he wrote.

_Did she fall?_

"No" he told him clearly. "Patrick, Robin is fine I promise you."

Eric blew through the door, throwing his stethoscope around his neck. "Did you think I was kidding about restraints?" he snapped as he kicked the door closed behind him. "Because I'm not."

"S-s-s-sorry" he stammered nervously. His friend's blue eyes blazed angrily as he approached the bed.

"He had a nightmare" Noah offered, well aware that it fear more than anything pushing the young doctor's anger to the surface.

Eric shook his head and inhaled sharply. Pulling his pen light from his pocket, he checked the reaction of his pupils and performed a light neuro exam. Patrick winced as Eric pressed against his forehead.

"The nurse said you were banging your head against a wall – what was that about?"

His fury was slowly dissipating. He had barely walked through the hospital doors when he was accosted by the attending and a nurse both demanding that Patrick be moved to a psych floor. His rage had more to do with their inability to handle the situation and hasty desire to punt his case somewhere else than anything.

Patrick wrote unsteadily._ I don't remember. _

"What was the nightmare about?"

_Robin fell._

Looking at the back of Patrick's head, Eric sighed. "You popped a couple of stitches but nothing too bad, I'll redo them." He stalked back to the door and headed to the Nurses Station to order a suture kit.

Noah followed him out and stood beside him, his hands shoved in his pockets nervously jangling his change. "It seems he has a few more words" he remarked casually.

"Yes" Eric replied, exhaling slowly leaning against the counter. "That's a good sign – the nightmare less so."

"Can I…" he paused and cleared his throat. "Can I offer an opinion?"

Turning slowly to face the older doctor, he nodded. "Please"

"I think it's time to get Patrick out of the hospital. He's not critical, all of his treatments can be administered in a home setting and I think it would help him both with his memory and speech if he was in a place that didn't cause him stress."

"You think the hospital is contributing to the nightmares?"

"It wouldn't be the first time."

"It's a long drive back to Port Charles" he noted.

"He wants to go to the Hamptons for a few weeks before going home – I think it's not a bad idea."

Tugging on his lower lip, he considered Noah's suggestion. There were pros and cons to him staying hospital and to releasing him and at the moment he was not sure that one was worse than the other.

"I'd like him to be assessed by a speech therapist before he goes" he said. "He needs a good baseline to work from."

Noah nodded. "It will take me a couple of days to get the house ready for him so that would give you time to do that. Eric, I'm not trying to force your hand or push you into a decision you, as his doctor, are not ready to make. I'm just offering my two cents."

He gave a shy, grateful smile. "I appreciate it Noah. And I agree with you. Let me know when the house is ready and I'll make arrangements."

"Doctor Smitherman?" the nurse interrupted. "The suture kit is ready." Eric nodded and headed into his room.

****  
Snapping on a pair of latex gloves, he repositioned Patrick in the bed and injected a topical anaesthetic. "Maintenance is coming down and they are going to install different bed rails on your bed so you can't get out."

Patrick held up his white board. _You're pissed with me_

Eric sighed heavily. "Not with you Pantsy. I'm just pissed."

_About what?_

"I'm just pissed, okay?" he snapped. "I'm tired and cranky and-"

"P-p-pissed" Patrick said.

As his hard fought for word echoed in the room, Eric dissolved into laughter with Patrick following suit. The tension broken, he threaded the suture through the needle and carefully repaired what had come undone.

"I'm going to call for a speech therapy consult for you tomorrow so we can make a plan for you to get more than just the vulgar words back. And then we'll look at releasing you."

_Are you telling me the truth about Robin?_

"What do you mean?" he asked as he finished off the last of the sutures and applied a fresh bandage.

_She really is okay? Don't lie to me. _He could not shake the rumbly hangover his nightmare had produced. He wanted desperately to see her.

Coming around the bed and helping him settle against the pillows, Eric stared at him intently. ".fine" he said slowly. "Pantsy – you and I have been through too much for me to ever lie to you – you know that" he rebuked him gently.

Slightly mollified, Patrick nodded. _Does she know I love her?_

Eric studied him carefully. His friend was one of the most confident people he knew, even at his lowest point prior to surgery, he never doubted himself where Robin was concerned and this new wrinkle was a little disquieting. Major surgeries provoked personality changes, there was no doubt, but he wondered just how much of a change his friend was experiencing.

"Do you remember what the nightmare was about?"  
_  
She fell. _

"Anything else?"

"No"

"Pantsy, she knows you love her – you've told her and shown her. I need you to believe that and not get yourself all tied up in knots over it."

_How does she know? _

Saying nothing, Eric walked to the bathroom and retrieved a small mirror that Robin had left in there. "Lift your shirt up" he told him as he emerged from the bathroom. "Up to your neck."

Patrick gave him a quizzical look but did as he was asked. Eric stood at the foot of his bed and positioned the mirror so he could see the reflection of his tattoo in it.

"That's one of the ways she knows" he told him kindly.

Patrick's eyes widened in shock and looking down, he fingered the claddagh design. The sadness in Robin's eyes when he did not recognize her necklace finally made sense. He understood the doubt it would have created in her, the way his nightmare created doubt in him.

Images flashed before his eyes – Robin in an evening gown; the two of them at a hockey game; on the couch waffles. The scenes felt familiar but he couldn't quite place them. Closing his eyes, he sank back against the pillows and put his hand over his tattoo. He knew now his memories weren't gone, they were just hidden away.

And he was going to dig them out one way or another. 


	92. Chapter 99

Chapter 99

**Chapter 99**

Just have a little patience

Robin stood outside the door, balancing a coffee tray and a small paper bag in one hand as she raised her other hand to knock.

By her best guess she had slept more than 20 hours, waking only once to take her protocol. When she finally emerged from the bedroom she had found herself alone and the apartment almost unnervingly silent. As she had padded to the kitchen she had found a bag tied with a bow and a note with her name on it.

_Robin -_

Since I know you didn't pack a change of clothes, I picked up a few things for you. I hope that they're to your liking. Hang in there and give yourself a break because you deserve it. I'm off back to P.C today but if you need anything, call me.

Love, Alexis. 

Smiling, she had opened the bag and let out a small squeal of delight at the sweaters and new pair of jeans tucked inside. Desperately wanting to see Patrick again, she had raced to the shower and thrown on her new clothes before heading out the door, her still damp hair scraped back into a ponytail.

Now feeling calm and balanced, she knew there was just one stop she had to make before going to see him. It wasn't going to be easy and if she wanted to, she could probably push it back for a few more days after all no one would blame her. But that was not her style and as she had been so good at dishing out lumps it was only fair she be prepared to take them.

Knocking lightly on the door she pushed it open and tentatively stood in the doorway.

"I come with a peace offering of bagels and coffee" she said as a nervous smile played across her lips.

Looking up from his chart Eric flashed a half smile and waved her in. "How are you?" he asked quietly. Though she was still wan, he was relieved to see that some of the stress that had pinched her face seemed to have disappeared.

Robin passed him a coffee and put the bag of bagels down on his desk before sliding into the chair across from him. "I am embarrassed, humiliated and sorrier than you could possibly know," she told him in a clear voice, biting the bullet.

"Robin, everyone reacts differently to stress and the case could be made that I was neither as graceful nor kind as I could have been."

She shook her head. "No - you were simply reacting to what I said. I provoked all of it and I am very sorry. For a few days I could feel it building in me and I had no idea how to make it stop. It was like a tornado swirling around me and I was taking out everything in my path - especially you."

He opened his mouth to speak but found his voice just out of reach. Peeling back the plastic tab on his lid, he blew on the coffee, sending a small stream of steam billowing upwards. Taking a small sip and letting the hot liquid slide down his throat, he tried again. "Do you really think I failed him?" he asked hoarsely.

Tears pricked at her eyes as she smiled apologetically. "No - god no Eric. He is alive because of you and up until this morning I'm not sure I realized what a miracle that is. Alexis thought that perhaps I had been so prepared for him to....to....for him not to make it that I had not contemplated how hard it would be if he did and I think she may be right."

With a smile ghosted across his lips, Eric nodded. His girlfriend - the term still gave him pause, in a good way - was very astute and had a way of providing perspective just when people needed it.

"Can I ask....you seemed really angry about me and I guess I just want to know if you really believe that I haven't been aggressive enough or been the doctor he needed?"

She sighed regretfully as she came to understand the depth of hurt she had caused. Apologies were never easy but then again if one was truly sorry for the pain they caused, it probably shouldn't be an easy thing to do.

"Not only do I think you've been the doctor he needed," she swallowed thickly, "I think more importantly you've been the friend he needed. Eric we have all, including Patrick, suffered from this and I made it worse for you and I was wrong to do so. I....when Patrick couldn't remember the necklace he gave me it sent me over the edge for a whole pile of reasons that had nothing to do with you. I was miserable and it felt like I was crumbling and I just wanted someone - anyone - to feel as badly as I did."

He flicked his fingers nervously against the lid. "And you don't think I did already?" he asked.

"I think, if it's possible, you may have felt worse." She exhaled slowly. "If I could wave a wand of some kind and take it all back I would do so in a heartbeat but I can't. All I can do is tell you that I am truly sorry and that I hope in time you can forgive me."

"Do you love him?"

"Oh my" she replied, inhaling sharply, "more than I could have ever thought possible."

He nodded. "Patrick and I have been friends for almost 10 years now and he is quite possibly the best man I know, warts and all." Robin grinned. "But with you he is even better than that. And so for that reason and because I know how you feel I do forgive you - we're cool, okay?"

Relief washed over her and several tears escaped down her face. Pushing out her chair she bounded around the desk throwing her arms around him and hugging him tightly. "Thank you" she whispered.

Eric hugged her back before letting go. "Are you on your way to see him?"  
Robin was unable to keep the smile from her face. "Yes."

"He'll be happy to see you" he reassured her. "You should know he's got a few bumps and bruises from a little excursion he took-" Seeing the look of panic crossing Robin's face, he patted her arm. "He's okay and he has a few more words" he added.

Robin looked anxiously at the door ready to bolt to see him but she held back, not wanting to appear ungrateful or insensitive.

Smirking, Eric pointed to the door. "Go!"

With a small laugh, Robin gave him a wave and grabbing her coffee dashed out his door and down to Patrick's room.

*****  
Gently pushing open the door and seeing Patrick with his eyes shut, she tiptoed inside. In an act of supreme restraint, she held back from rushing his bed and crawling inside with him. She watched as his chest rose and fell and gave a small shake of her head. She had meant what she had said to Eric. That Patrick had survived the surgery and was mostly healthy was a miracle - one she needed to appreciate.

Sensing someone in the room Patrick slowly opened his eyes and gave a bleary glance around the room before seeing Robin standing stock still near the door. He blinked several times as he tried to decide if she was real or another image from his subconscious there to taunt him. Taking a deep breath he worked his tongue against his teeth trying to find his words.

"Oobin?" he asked.

She gasped and covered her mouth with her hands. "Oh my god!! You said my name!"

To anyone else it may have sounded stilted, incomplete and forced but to her it was pure music. It was hard to describe to anyone the impact of not hearing your name. Over the course of any given day she was often called any number of variations of her name but in the last week the one person whose voice could reduce her to a puddle could not call to her. There was liberation for her in his mangled pronunciation.

Crossing the room in three strides, she cupped his face and kissed him hard on the mouth. She was not surprised to feel tears trickling against her cheek until she pulled away and discovered they were not hers. They were, in fact, his. With an inquisitive smile, she swiped at them.

"Are you okay?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

Unable to tear his eyes from her, he nodded. He gently explored the skin of her hands, her arms and her face as though he needed to touch her to believe she was real. Robin closed her eyes as his fingertips trailed lightly over her soft lips and under her eyelashes. She closed her hand around his and placed a long, lingering kiss against the inside of his palm.

"Hi baby" she grinned as she opened her eyes. The smattering of purple and blue bruises laid angrily against his forehead caught her attention. Tenderly, she traced her fingers across them. "Oh Patrick, what happened?"

"M-m-m-m-miss y-you" He exhaled heavily as the words finally got loose.

Gently, she slid her arms around his neck and hugged him, her head cradled against his shoulder. Patrick raised his arms and closed them around her relieved at being able to feel her breath on his skin. His nightmare continued to repeat but when he woke up he could not describe it to anyone. All he knew is that if felt like his heart had been ripped from his chest. Seeing her now made the feeling disappear.

Robin kissed his neck, his chin and then nipped lightly at his lips. "I am so sorry if I worried you" she apologized quietly. "I am so sorry."

He brushed the bangs from her face and looked into her eyes. He wanted to speak more, to tell her that he was sorry he didn't remember and he was sorry for whatever happened while he was sick, that he would find some way to make it up to her, but he had already exhausted his words. While keeping one hand on her hip, he reached for the white board.

_Better? _

She nodded. "I'm with you. It doesn't get better than this."

_I found something _

"You did?"

Giving a small nod in response, he slowly lifted his shirt to his neck and tapped his tattoo.

Robin sucked on her bottom lip and she stared unblinkingly at his tattoo. The red of the heart seemed to burn bright and she could have sworn there was a gleam from the golden crown. She opened her mouth several times to speak but could not find her voice.

_I like it_ he scribbled quickly.

"I like it too" she agreed hoarsely.  
_  
I will remember. _

The earnest look in his eyes as he stared at her stole her breath away. How she ever could have doubted him or his love for her was beyond her. Though the last six months had given her amazing, heart expanding moments, they had been built on the foundation of the love they felt for each other. It was a foundation that had been laid carefully and reinforced over the year and she should have trusted that it would not crumble so easily. Even when he had left for New York he had done so under the guise of love. There was a discussion there that still had to happen but for now, she would take this moment and treasure it as much as she had the others. Leaning in, she kissed him softly.

As they pulled away from the kiss, he wrote again. I need something else  
Robin looked at him with concern. "What? What do you need?"

_Sponge bath._ He looked up at her with a grin and waggled his eyebrows, wincing as his bruises crinkled painfully.

Laughing out loud for the first time in days, Robin shook her head. "You are impossible" she chided teasingly. "You've had your brain tinkered with twice in the space of two days and you are only seven days post op. You're seriously looking to get lucky?"

He grinned. "Yes" _Maybe just a little lucky he wrote. Not sure I'm cleared for that yet. _

Robin giggled. "Fine. Let me help you take your shirt off and I'll see what I can do about giving you a sponge bath."

With her assistance, he pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it on the chair near his bed. Robin disappeared to the bathroom and filling a small bowl with warm water and soap, grabbed a facecloth and headed back out to him.

She pulled the table as close to the bed as possible, setting the bowl down on it. Taking great care she climbed onto his bed and straddled his lap. Unable to help herself, she swept her hand across his chest, lingering for a breath over the tattoo.

"We're going to have to fatten you up" she teased. "You're a little thin"

He smiled wryly as he lifted off the pillow and stole a kiss from her.

Robin dampened the facecloth and wrung it out before dragging it across his chest. His breath quickened from the touch and their eyes locked on each other. His hands braced her hips as his thumbs stroked along her waist. Lovingly, she washed his chest and his torso, dropping little kisses on his skin as she did so. She smiled against his abs as she felt him sigh contentedly.

Rinsing out the cloth she slowly washed the length of his arm before pressing her lips to his shoulder. A small gasp escaped from the back of her throat as he pushed his hips up against her, revealing the beginnings of his arousal.

With her brown eyes dancing she gave him an impish look. "I'm not sure you're supposed to be getting turned on by this," she teased.

Taking the pen in his left hand he scribbled haphazardly on the board. _Need to make sure it works_

Robin laughed as his cheeks flushed a deep crimson. "I would say it's working fine" She gave a slight swivel of her hips against his. "It feels very good."  
Inhaling sharply, Patrick raised his hand and gently cupped her breast, kneading it through her sweater. Her mouth dropped open and she gave out a small moan as he dragged his thumb across her hardening nipple.

"P-Patrick" she stammered, feeling the blood rush between her legs as his hand moved to the other breast. "I'm not sure it's wise of us to start something we can't finish"

He knew she was right of course. He was in no condition to go any further than where he was right now but he so much just wanted to touch her; to have his hands lazily explore her body eliciting tiny moans and sighs along the way. As he had fallen in love with her he had discovered two things: the intensity of his pleasure was directly tied to the pleasure he gave her and making love to her gave him a freedom he had never before felt.

After the nightmares and confusion and sadness, he just wanted a taste of that.

"But we can do the next best thing" she told him as she saw the look of disappointment on his face.

Dropping the facecloth on the table, she pulled back the covers and burrowed underneath them, lying on top of him. She left a long, wet kiss in the middle of his chest as he pulled the covers over them and slid his hands under her sweater feeling her skin. The feel of her hair against his bare skin was achingly familiar and an unexpected source of comfort.

His eyes grew heavy and for the first time in days he felt no panic as he drifted off to sleep.

"Oobin" he sighed happily.


	93. Chapter 100

Chapter 100

**Chapter 100**

I will always be your friend  
Took an oath, I'm going to stick it out to the end

As Patrick stared at the television watching the news crawl on the bottom of his screen he moved his tongue around in his mouth trying to form the words he saw passing before his eyes.

It was a surreal experience for him – he understood everything that was said to him, in his mind he was as articulate and verbal as he had always been but somewhere between his brain and his mouth everything came off the rails. There were moments where if he tried too hard to speak, forced himself beyond what he could do, he would start to panic and the feeling of drowning would surround him. There were days were it felt like the words were piling up inside of him, overloading him with no way to get them out.

But Eric had arranged for a speech therapy consult which was the last hurdle he needed to pass before being released. Once a baseline for his therapy was established he could go home. Or to the Hamptons at least. He wasn't sure if it would be home to him or not. He had not been back since his mother's death but through his days in the hospital as he thought about where he wanted to be that place seemed to be calling to him.

He glanced quickly at the clock and tried to figure out exactly how long Robin had been gone for. She said she wouldn't be more than an hour but he couldn't quite remember when she had left. Exhaustion was still such a part of him that he would easily drift off to sleep and wake up with no concept of how long he had been out for. It was frustrating and irritating and though he knew medically that he was healing well, it wasn't going as quickly as he'd like. Patience had never really been a part of his make-up and his was being sorely tested.

"You ready for me?"

Looking over at the door Patrick smirked as Robin sauntered through. "I'm always ready for you" he thought to himself, frustrated that he could never get the words out quickly enough.

"Maria Jesus said to say hello, by the way" she teased as she brandished a bag from Bread and Roses, his favourite bakery.

His eyes widened in surprise as his face broke into a wide grin. "H-h-how?" he asked.

Robin took a deep breath as she set the bag down on the table and started to pull out the treats. She was trying very hard not to take every lost memory as a knife to the heart and reminded herself that his heart recognized what his mind could not.

"We spent an amazing weekend here in February," she told him as she passed a sticky bun to him. "And you took me to the bakery. And then I watched as Maria Jesus fawned all over you, thinking you walked on water."

Patrick chuckled softly, knowing that was exactly what would have happened.

Glancing up at the television screen Robin asked, "You watching the news?"

He nodded as he took a bite of his pastry. His eyes closed and an involuntary moan escaped from his throat as the warm caramel melted in his mouth. As he opened his eyes he was met by Robin's playful grin.

"And here I was thinking I was the only one who made you moan like that." She laughed loudly as Patrick's cheeks blushed a bright red. She was about to tease him when the door opened and a tall blonde woman breezed through her eyes fixed on the chart in her hands.

"Hi, I'm Karen Dunlop and I'm a speech therapist. We're going to do some baseline assessments" she prattled on not looking up. "and then-" Her mouth dropped open as she stared at her patient. "Patrick? Drake the Rake?"

Robin could feel Patrick tense and looked curiously at the very pregnant woman standing beside her wondering if this was one of his exes. Looking back at him and seeing how tightly he was gripping his sheets, his knuckles white she immediately dismissed the thought from her mind.

"N-n-no" he spat out, glaring at the therapist.

She smiled and shook her head. "Don't be like that Patrick. You can't stay mad at me forever."

Angrily he reached for his pen and white board scribbling quickly. _Not mad at you. I hate you. _

"Patrick!" Robin exclaimed in shock.

The young woman was undeterred. "You can't possibly hate me. It all happened years ago" she replied breezily. "And even if you do hate me, you need a speech therapist and that's what I'm here for."

"NO!" he shouted.

Robin shot an anxious look at his heart monitor as his blood pressure began to rise. "Patrick," she called to him quietly, "you need to calm down."

Shooting a withering look at his girlfriend he shook his head. He knew he needed a speech therapist but he was not having this one. _I would rather never speak again than have you help me._

"Jesus Christ Patrick" she sighed heavily. "I'm just doing your assessment. You can have whatever therapist you want after that. Surely to god you can put away your misplaced anger long enough for me to do that."

"NO!" he shouted again, slamming his fist down on his bed.

Pushing back her chair, Robin rose to her feet. "I'm Robin Scorpio" she said as she turned her attention to the woman beside her. "I'm Patrick's girlfriend. Clearly you are a source of agitation for him and I'm not sure why but perhaps it would be better if you sent someone else for his assessment."

"There isn't anyone else today" she said curtly, "and I was told this was an urgent assessment. So perhaps he can just get over himself for half an hour and then we can both go our separate ways." She shot him a steely look.

He slapped his hands again on the bed. "No. No. No."

"Patrick what the hell is going on?" Eric asked coming through the door. His friend looked as though he was ready to jump from the bed. "I thought you were-" the words died on his lips. "Oh" he said quietly seeing Karen in the room for the first time. "Karen, I...I didn't realize you had caught this case." His eyes were firmly glued to her round belly.

"Hey Eric" Karen said, putting her clipboard in front of her stomach. "Apparently I'm not a suitable therapist for you patient but there are no others working today."

As she watched the interaction between Eric and Karen and felt Patrick's temper continuing to rise, realization dawned that this was Eric's ex-girlfriend. She finally understood the source of her boyfriend's agitation.

Swallowing down a sigh, Eric looked at his friend. "Pantsy, she's one of the best there is and it's just an assessment"

"B-b-b-bitch!" he stammered loudly, moving around in his bed itching to get up. He had not seen her since she broke up with Eric claiming she could not cope with his cancer. He had been by Eric's side every step of the way as he tried to deal with his heartbreak and the news he was unlikely to survive more than a couple of months. He had always believed, fairly or unfairly, that her leaving him had hastened the advance of his cancer. Eric might have been able to forgive her but he never would. Until Robin, Eric was his family and there was simply no way he was going to allow anyone to hurt him and get away with it.

"Dude" Eric admonished him as Karen took a step back, "that is not cool."

Patrick glared at them defiantly and picked up his pen. _She left you to die. She's a fucking coward and I want nothing to do with her. If I have to stay here for another month until there is another therapist then I will._

"G-g-get o-o-out" he spat, exhausting himself.

She offered a weak smile. "You sure you want me to go?" she teased nervously, "it seems you're picking up new words every minute I'm here."

Robin folded her arms across her chest. "I would like you to go" she said evenly. "Patrick's choice of words may not be the kindest but he clearly doesn't want you here and quite frankly, neither do I. I don't want him upset any more than he already is. We'll wait for another therapist."

Shrugging, she looked at Eric. "You always were more mature than he was."

His blue eyes narrowed. "Don't push it Karen."

"You're looking good Smitty." Heading to the door, she called over her shoulder. "Hope you get better soon Patrick."

Robin sat down on the edge of the bed and bussed his lips. "You're kind of hot when you're protective" she whispered.

Giving her a sheepish smile, Patrick kissed her back.

"I thought you wanted me to spring you" Eric asked him kindly. "Telling off the only available speech therapist was not a good idea."

_Did you know it was going to be her?_

He shook his head. "No. She's only be here for about eight months and our paths have only crossed a couple of times. You really shouldn't of thrown her out and you don't have to fight my battles."

_I'm not apologizing. _

Eric held up his hands. "Okay, okay. No mas."

"How long do you think we'll have to wait for another assessment?" Robin asked, entwining her fingers though his. He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it.

"I'll go see if I can't call in a favour or two" Eric said. "So long as you" he looked at his friend, "stay put and keep your potty mouth under control" Smiling, Patrick held up his middle finger. "Nice, we're resorting to sign language."

Robin watched as Eric left and when she turned back to Patrick was surprised to find tears pooling in his eyes. "Babe, what's wrong?"

He tried to speak, his mouth twisting and turning but no words would come. With a frustrated sigh, he reached again for his board and started to write.

_I don't understand leaving when someone is sick. You never left me. My father didn't she said she loved him and the minute it got tough, she bolted. Fucking coward. _

Robin took a long, steadying breath as she felt a bolt of anger zap through her. He left her when he was sick which while rooted in love, was also cowardly. The feeling of loss as he walked through the door of their apartment without looking back was still very much near the surface. She wanted to tell him that regardless of his intentions, he still broke her heart but she didn't trust herself to speak about it.

"You can't dictate someone's fear" she told him softly when she finally spoke. "People make all kinds of decisions when they're in pain."

He shook his head. _Not acceptable. I would never leave you. _

Wanting to stop the conversation before it went further down the path it was headed, Robin leaned in and kissed his tenderly, her tongue running alone the seam of his lips. He threaded his fingers through her hair pulling her closer to him.

"Oh gosh, I'm sorry" Noah's voice interrupted them. "I'll come back"

Relcutantly letting go of his lips, Robin waved Noah in. "Noah, please."

He smiled and crossed the room. "Nice to see you both with a little colour in your faces" he teased lightly. "I won't stay long but I wanted to tell you that the house is ready. As soon as you're given the green light we can go home"


	94. Chapter 101

Chapter 101

**Chapter 101  
You take the home from the boy but not the boy from his home**

Seated in the chair beside his bed, Patrick pulled his leg up and tied his shoe. There was some residual numbness in his fingertips but he had little difficulty with small tasks and was confident it would come back. He tugged tightly on the strings of his sweatpants, tightening them around his waist. Looking at the way they hung loosely from his hips he agreed that Robin was right, he was very thin.

Running his hand over the prickly stubble of his head he sighed heavily. He was finally being released - almost 10 days after his first surgery. Though still weak and lacking stamina he was ready, more than ready, to get out of the hospital. He hated the way the antiseptic smell invaded his nostrils. And the pitying looks he got from nurses and residents. It didn't matter to them that he was a neurosurgeon - one of the best in the state if not the country - to them he was dismissed as a poor, pathetic patient who could barely speak. He wanted to be back amidst the familiar where the people that mattered to him saw him - all of him - not just his chart.

Robin had, against her will, returned to Port Charles to back some clothes for the stay in the Hamptons. She had been reluctant to leave him but he had, as best he could, insisted. He worried about her and he worried for her. He believed that a night in her own bed would be good for her. She was due back this morning and he was anxious to see her. Looking up expectantly as the door to his room opened, he tried to keep the disappointment from his face when Eric walked through.

"Geez Pantsy," he joked, "don't look so damn happy to see me."

He shrugged apologetically.  
"You ready?"

Patrick nodded.

"I've looked at your latest films and you're in good shape."

He pulled his board from the table and wrote _You are coming to visit, right? _

While he had little reticence about leaving the hospital he was less ready to leave his friend behind. They had been each other's steadying influence for the better part of a decade and he knew he would need him again before all was said and done.

Giving him a small smile, Eric nodded. "Yeah. I'll make a couple of house calls to make sure you aren't undoing all my brilliant work and ruining my reputation"

Patrick chuckled. _I don't think thank you is enough_

"Please don't go getting all soft and mushy on me" he demurred kindly. "Besides, for all you know I implanted stuff in your brain that'll make you like the ballet. And impressionist art."

He rolled his eyes in response.

"But so long as we are getting mushy, I have something for you." Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a small, familiar leather pouch. "I told you this was yours for the duration and so I thought…I thought maybe you might want it as you continue your recovery."

Taking the pouch from his friend, he pulled it open and emptied its contents into his hand. He gave a small gasp as the pendant of Michael the Archangel caught his eye and for a moment he was struck by the faint memory of it hanging around his neck. He ran his thumb along the raised image and felt his eyes prick with tears. Nodding gratefully, he pulled it over his head and tucked it inside his sweatshirt.

Robin bustled through the door with Noah following closely behind. Looking up at them, Patrick smiled. There was relief etched on their faces. His release from the hospital was something they needed as much as he did.

"Ready for your big road trip?" Robin asked, bussing his lips.

"Y-y-yes."

Eric clapped him on the shoulder. "I'll see you in a couple of days. Make sure you listen to your dad and Robin or you'll answer to me, 'kay?"

Patrick smirked and making a fist, extended his hand bumping knuckles with his friend. As Eric left, Patrick wrote on his board and held it up to his father and girlfriend, grinning.

_Can I drive?_

Noah snorted. "Sure Sport. Just as soon as hell freezes over."

Robin helped him to his feet and Noah took his small duffle bag as the three headed to the door. Just before leaving the room Patrick paused and took one last look around. The next time he was going to be in the hospital other than for routine checkups was as a doctor. He was done with being a patient.

*****  
"Holy crap!" Robin exclaimed as she looked around the large sitting room. "This place is gorgeous."

Noah smiled wistfully as he watched Patrick examining some of the photos on the mantle and bookshelves. It was Mattie who had found the house just shortly after they had been married. It had been a decrepit, neglected old place but as with most things where Noah had only seen the problems, she had seen the potential. In her mind she saw a family home and with the help of an architect had set about making it one. Many of the best moments of the Drake family happened here – Mattie had called it the heart of their family. Noah wondered if Patrick still felt her presence here.

As Patrick shuffled somewhat unsteadily around the room, he paused at the entrance to the kitchen running his hand along the door frame. He smiled reflectively as snapshots of the past danced in his mind.

Sliding her arm around his waist, Robin looked up at him. "You okay?"

He nodded and pointed at the marks on the white wood frame. Leaning in for a better look Robin could not keep the smile from her face. There, at various intervals along the frame, was a record of Patrick's growth - age 3, age 5, age 8, age 10 – all the way up until age 16.

"So you pretty much hit your peak at 16, huh?" she asked lightly as the mark was almost at the same height as him.

"Patrick hit his growth spurt at 14" Noah said, walking over to join them. "All of his friends started much earlier and he was convinced he was going to be short for life, despite us assuring him he wouldn't. Then all of a sudden he grew and in two years he was towering over me."

"Overachiever" Robin teased.

Shrugging, Patrick stumbled slightly as he tried to step away. Taking hold of his arm, Noah righted him. "Sport, I think it's time you got into bed. You've had a pretty big day already."

Too tired to even contemplate resisting, he simply nodded and let his father take him to his room.

Robin followed behind, pausing ever few feet as she discovered another family photo along the wall. In the short time she had been in the house she had gained a better understanding about the enormity of loss he had experienced. The house was a celebration of their family; there was evidence of so much love and life lived. Up until that moment she had believed that she and Patrick shared similar experiences regarding their families but she could not have been more wrong.

Her young life had been marked by loss – a grandmother, a step-father, her parents or so she believed and a boyfriend but it had also been marked by love – enormous love. No matter what happened there was always someone looking out for her, some safe harbour that she could take refuge in when a storm hit. Her uncle Mac, her godfathers Sean and Frisco, Felicia, Luke, even Sonny for a time – they had all loved her and been a family to her.

As Patrick had started to open up and share more about his childhood she had been plagued by feelings of envy. His life had sounded so normal and almost idyllic. He had two parents who loved him, who took him to hockey games and baseball games; two parents with whom he watched movies and went to the opera with. But there was a stark difference between them: She had a large, untraditional family who when bad stuff happened would swoop in and take care of her and support her. Patrick's family came to end one day – a complete and total end. His mother died and his father disappeared and there was no one to offer him a safe place to ride out the storm.

It didn't make one's experience worse than the other, it just made it different. His fears about being left were so clear to her now. She had the same fears but she also had proof that love and support came from all corners when you needed it. He had not had the benefit of that experience.

Just outside his bedroom was a photo of the three of them at some school event. Patrick was standing the middle, his arms draped casually over both his parents' shoulders. By the looks of the photo he was probably 15 or 16 years old. Both Mattie and Noah were beaming with pride and Patrick had an easy, contented look about him. She wondered if any of them knew then what was in store and if they would have changed anything?

Pulling herself away from the picture she walked into his bedroom. There was a large bay window on the side overlooking several large trees.

As Noah tucked his son in, he followed Robin's gaze and smiled. "Patrick broke his wrist falling out of that tree when he was nine," he told her. "I wanted to cut it down but he protested telling me it was his Everest and he was going to keep climbing it until he made it to the top."

"So you've been stubborn your whole life?" she asked teasingly.

Patrick gave an unapologetic nod.

"Good to know" she grinned. "What I'm really hoping though is during our time here I'll get some good blackmail material so I can keep you in line when we get home" She waggled her eyebrow and laughed as he stuck his tongue out at her.

His eyes were growing heavy as he found it more and more difficult to fight the fatigue. Noah touched his face and smiled. "It's okay Patty – you won't miss anything if you go to sleep, I promise."  
Robin crawled beside him on the bed, kissing him lightly on the lips. He sighed happily and closed his eyes as she entwined her fingers through his.

With a wink, Noah left the room and pulled the door closed behind him. His son was home – in every way and that meant the world to him.

*****  
As Patrick slept soundly, Robin got up from the bed and quietly padded around his room. She hadn't realized at first that it was his childhood room but as saw the sporting trophies, the science fair ribbons and the Star Wars figures on the bookshelf she could not keep the smile from her face.

When he had moved into her apartment he had a couple of suitcases and a box of souvenirs. It had made her sad, thinking that his life could be so portable but seeing his room now, almost frozen in time, she recognized that his life wasn't that small. It was as though a hurricane had hit his life and he took whatever he could before leaving but now with the storm over, there was so much that was left unharmed and she couldn't wait for him to tell her about it.

Feeling a vibration in her pocket she fumbled for her phone. Flipping it open, the screen told her she had a new voice mail message. She punched in her code and felt her stomach drop as she heard the message.

"Robin, it's Alan. Could you call me please when you get a moment? I would like to discuss your most recent test results."


	95. Chapter 102

Chapter 102

**Chapter 102**

But you're going to face a moment of truth

Seated on the enclosed porch and staring out at the frigid water lapping at the frozen sand, Robin flipped her phone over and over in her hands. She could hear Alan's voice clear as day in her head and she could not shake the knot pulling tighter in the pit of her stomach. Reaching for the afghan folded neatly over the arm of the couch she wrapped it around her shoulders to ward of the chill. She knew she needed to phone him back but she didn't want to. She wished, just even for a day, she could be one of those people who didn't feel like the world was going to crash down around them when their doctor called.

It was ironic in many ways but the longer she lived with HIV the harder it became. She was growing weary of the routine and the exacting way she had to live aspects of her life. It had seemed difficult when she was first diagnosed because there was no cocktail, no real way to halt the advance of the virus in her body but science, working at breakneck speed, developed a series of drugs that could allow someone to live a normal life. After getting past her initial fear of anti-retroviral protocol she had embraced it. The side effects were a small price to pay for her to go to Yale, to the Sorbonne, to live in Paris making her name as a researcher. But she was coming to resent it. The persistent bleating of her alarm, the regular blood tests, the extra precautions at work and at home - they weren't a normal life and she wanted to scream. She had lived with HIV long enough that the years of living without it, of not being a slave to protocols and routines seemed to blurr in her memory. For one day she wished she could throw it all away and live like everyone else.

She struggled with these feelings that bubbled to the surface every once in a while because she knew she had been extraordinary lucky in her life. There were so many others who had not had the benefit of care that she had, who had not lived long enough to see an anti-retroviral protocol, let alone watch their viral loads dip to almost undetectable levels. She should be grateful and truthfully, she mostly was. But every once in a while she got tired of being well adjusted and accepting of it all and just wanted to rail against the unfairness of it all. They were selfish and unproductive emotions but that didn't make them any less real.

She dropped her phone on the side table. The phone call would wait.

Hearing the door to the porch open, she tilted her head and smiled as Patrick shuffled through. Still troubled by some balance issues, he gripped the wall as he made his way to the couch. Both she and Noah had broached the idea of a walker with him but the idea was resoundingly rejected. Patrick's pride had already taken a beating and she knew that he would not allow himself to appear more infirm than he already was.

Resisting the urge to jump to her feet and help him to the couch, she simply unfurled the blanket around her in invitation and waited. Her patience was rewarded as he slid beside her on the couch. Opening her mouth to speak she was taken by surprise as he closed his lips over hers in a long, passionate kiss. His tongue slipped into the warm velvety softness of her mouth. Moaning softly into his mouth, Robin cupped his face, deepening the kiss.

"Did you sleep well?" she asked breathlessly as they reluctantly broke apart.

Resting his forehead against hers, he nodded as he peppered her cheeks with soft, tiny kisses.

She stroked his thigh and sighed happily. The nearness of him, the feel of his lips on her skin had a way of making her feel whole just when she needed it. "How are you feeling?"

Patrick reached for the board and pen. _Okay. Glad to be here -this is one of my favourite places_

"I can see why" she replied looking back at the water. Patrick draped his arm around her and pulled her against him Resting her head on his shoulder and pulling the blanket tighter around them she momentarily got lost in the feeling of being snuggled together. It had been almost two months since they had shared a quiet, loving moment like this away from doctors and hospitals.

His fingers, tucked inside her sweater, danced lightly against her shoulder. He loved to touch her skin. It was always so soft and warm, like she had captured sunshine.

"Your speech therapist comes tomorrow" she reminded him quietly.

"Y-yes. G-good."

Looking up, she gave him a warm smile. "Knowing you, you'll be swearing like a sailor by the end of the day."

He chuckled softly and stuck his tongue out at her. With a quick swipe of his hand, he erased his board and wrote again. _Thanks for agreeing to come here. I was hoping to bring you here one day_

"I know" she told him unthinkingly. "You put it on your list."

Patrick looked at her in shock. _List??_

Closing her eyes, Robin groaned. She hadn't meant to tell him - not so soon anyways. She was well versed in the way memories could work and knew that in order for a patient with memory loss to authentically regain their memories, they needed to find them on their own. Being spoon fed or having the missing memories laid out before them could cause them to believe they remember when in fact they don't.

Smiling weakly, she gave a small shrug. "Are you nervous about your session tomorrow?" she asked in a desperate effort to change the subject.

Narrowing his eyes, he shook his head letting her know he was not going to let her off the hook so easily. With his pen in his hand, he tapped the word 'list', waiting expectantly for an answer.

Knowing there would be no way to disuade him from getting an answer, she took a deep breath. "When....when you were sick you made a list of things you wanted to do with me before..." her voice trailed off.

_I died? _

"Before surgery" she corrected. "Before your surgery."

_In case I died?_

"I don't know" she responded, looking back at the water.

Patrick wrote another question but when Robin didn't look at it, he poked her gently on the shoulder. _Why not?_

"Why not what?" She swallowed down her rising exasperation.

_Why don't you know? _

"Because you didn't share it with me" she snapped. "It was your secret list and you didn't feel I was important enough to share it with me."

His mouth dropped open. He was at sea again with no understanding of what the last six months had been like for anyone including himself. He had never thought himself as a list maker but clearly something had spurred him on to do so.

_I'm sorry I didn't share._

Exhaling slowly, Robin extricated herself from his embrace. "Patrick you can't apologize for something you don't remember doing," she told him kindly. "And I shouldn't have snapped at you. When your memory comes back you'll remember why you didn't share it and then maybe you can tell me."

He twisted his lips off to the side. She was right, of course, but it did little to quell the uneasy feeling coursing through him. _What else was on the list?_

A ghost of a smile crossed her lips. "Trips, adventures, moments" she answered. "I have the list - I found it. When you get a little stronger we can look at it together, okay?"

Nodding, he dipped his head and kissed her lovingly. There was so much he needed to make right but he would need to remember it first.

Noah rapped on the door, interrupting them. "Dinner is ready, if you guys are hungry."

"Thanks Noah" Robin smiled, grateful for the end of the conversation. "I'm starving!"

"M-m-me too" Patrick said, exhaling tiredly as he spoke.

"Sport, why don't I help you to the dining room?" Noah offered. There was something about the look on Robin's face that told him she needed a minute or two to collect herself.

He looked to Robin and seeing the same look his father did, agreed readily. Rising to his feet, he took several steps forward before Noah took hold of his arm and helped him off the porch.

Cradling her head in her hands, Robin blew out her cheeks. Her anger always seemed to surprise her, as if she didn't actually understand how angry she was. What she was even less sure of was whether her anger was because of Patrick's actions while he was sick or because of the voice mail message stored on her phone. There was only one way to find out. Reaching for her phone, she punched in the familiar number and waited.

"Hi Alan, it's Robin. I got your message."


	96. Chapter 103

**Chapter 103**

It's a long, slow slide

As the soft ruffles of Robin's breath echoed throughout the room, Patrick threaded his fingers through her hair and stared up at the ceiling. It was his first night sleeping in a bed without being hooked up to an i.v. and with a heart monitor flashing in the background. It was the first night in more than a week - maybe longer if he could remember - that he and Robin could wrap themselves around each other without any concession or concern for who might walk in. The feel of her steady breath against his chest was soothing and reassuring; her hair splayed against him served as a welcome reminder of so many nights spent in a similar position. And he liked the almost possessive way her arm was draped across his waist - as though she was holding on to him.

She was sleeping soundly. He could not get his brain to turn off.

It was beginning to feel as though conversations were backing up in his brain and there was no way to get them out. He was trying to be patient, trying not to get frustrated by his inability to speak but it was getting harder and harder to keep it all under control. While he had ways of communicating - through his dry erase board and with the few words he could push out - it was not conversing. There were no discussions, no debates, just a series of questions and answers. He was acutely aware that both his father and his girlfriend were happy to provide answers but did not engage him in any type of conversation. There was no flow, no give and take - it was as though once they had responded to his query, they moved on. Follow up questions only garnered basic answers. He had sat at the dinner table and watched the two of them exchange easily with each other but when they spoke to him it was generally with a view to a yes or no answer. He was ready to scream but was sure no one would hear him.

He wanted to talk more about the list he made. He was not a list making person by nature - he wouldn't even make a grocery list most of the time, rather he would walk the aisles of the store and see what appealed to him. How sick had he been? How desperate was he feeling? What had driven to make a list of things to do? It did not matter if Robin wouldn't confirm it to him, he knew in his heart that it was things he wanted to accomplish before he died. Which meant, of course, he felt he was going to die. Had he been scared? Had he cried? Had he wished for his mother?

His attempts to engage her further on the list were shut down. She had told him that when he was stronger they could discuss it. The answer enraged him and short of physically having a temper tantrum, he had little way of expressing his anger. People around him held his memories and yet no one was willing to just lay them out for him. They were deciding the when and the where for telling him and there was something incredibly infuriating about it. Clinically, he understood the need to be careful in dealing with patients experiencing memory loss but it did little to quell his rising frustration.

Robin had let it slip that he had not shared the list with her and that disturbed him. He had never really been an open person - sharing was not something that came easily to him. If he were being perfectly truthful he would admit that he had always been like that. It was easy to blame his father's addiction on him shutting down but the reality was it simply gave him the excuse to do so. Even as a child he had been loathe to be too open with anyone outside of his family. There was no explanation for it, he had just always played his cards close to his chest. His friendship with Eric had forced him to pry open some of the darker areas of his life that he preferred to ignore but even then, they were guys and medical students and had neither the time nor the inclination to sit around talking about their feelings. When Eric got sick it sent him into a tailspin because there was no one for him to talk to and so he decided, quite arrogantly, that he his friend was going to live. He needed him to survive as much for his own selfish needs as for Eric's sake.

But Robin, as he had come to discover time and again, was different.

He could not put his finger on what exactly it was but he wanted to open up to her almost immediately. Chuckling to himself he remembered quite clearly blathering and stammering bits about himself to her when he started at General Hospital. He told her about his father, about his mother, about his need to be the best before they even started dating. Somehow his heart had recognized that he could trust her and his brain simply played catch up. As their relationship progressed he found himself telling her things that he had not even told himself consciously. She never dismissed his feelings or his worries and it was just one of the many reasons he had fallen so deeply in love with her. And that was why he was dumbfounded that he had not shared his list with her.

Had he really believed he could hide it from her? And if so, what else had hidden?

Gritting down his teeth he tried to bite back his frustration. He wanted more than just answers to questions, he wanted to talk. He had been blessed with extraordinary intelligence and so many things in life had come easy to him - including medicine. Now to be struggling with something so basic as speech was killing him.

Looking down at Robin, he pressed a kiss to the top of her head and smiled slightly as she shifted against him, pulling herself closer to him. At dinner she announced she had to return to Port Charles for a day to consult on a case she had been involved with prior to Patrick's surgery. He had no real reason to doubt her, after all lying was not something Robin did or if she did, it was not something she did well. But there was something about it that was gnawing at him.

"What's going on in that head of yours?" he asked himself. "And how long are you going to try to protect me from it?"

Looking back up at the ceiling, he sighed quietly and touched the medallion around his neck. The sooner he got to work with the speech therapist, the better. Being able to speak was the key to reclaiming his life - both his past and his future.

xxxxx  
With her legs bouncing nervously, Robin took one deep breath after another and tried to calm herself as she waited for Alan. She was trying to take some comfort in the fact that he asked to meet her in his office as opposed to an exam room. When she had called him, he said that he needed to meet with her to discuss test results but would not say more over the phone. Under other circumstances she might have been angry about the withholding of information but Alan had been with her from the beginning and he had always believed in doing things face to face. He believed that a doctor had a responsibility beyond just delivering news; they needed to see how the news was received by the patient and help manage their reaction. It was a lesson he reminded all doctors of and one she herself had adopted in her practice.

Neither Noah nor Patrick seemed to suspect anything when she said she needed to return for a day to consult on a case. It wasn't a complete lie after all she was consulting on a case - her own. Depending on what Alan told her she knew she would need to share it but she did not want to sound any alarm prematurely. There was more than enough stress and worry going on without her adding to it unnecessarily.

Hearing the door open, her head snapped up and she scrambled to her feet. "Hi Alan" she greeted him with a nervous smile.

The older doctor kissed her cheek. "It's good to see you Robin." With her chart in his hand he opted to sit in the chair beside her rather than on the other side of his desk.

"I hope so" she joked nervously.

Smiling reassuringly, Alan flipped open the folder. "Robin, your viral level has not responded to the increase in dosage the way I would have liked it to. It is still elevated and I'm not comfortable leaving it at those levels"

Blanching slightly, she swallowed thickly. "Wh-what do you propose?"

"I'd like to make one more dosage adjustment."

She groaned inwardly. Any tinkering with her medication usually meant her body putting up a fight. Another increase in dosage would mean several days of nausea, fatigue and just generally feeling miserable. Inhaling sharply she knew she had little choice but to accept it. "You're confident this will be the last though?"

A small grimace crossed the Chief of Staff's face. "I'm hopeful, however Robin if your viral load doesn't respond to the new dosage we are going to have to look at changing your protocol."

"No!" she gasped. The memories and misery of her last change of protocol were firmly etched in her mind and though she didn't fear much, she did shudder at having to go through that particular horror another time. New medication brought new side effects with the added bonus of it usually requiring several tries to get the correct dosage. She could expect to spend as much as a month nearly bed ridden from the effects.

He patted her arm reassuringly. "We aren't there yet Robin but I want you to know what's down the road if we can't get things back under control. Now I'm not telling you anything new but along with the increase in your meds I need you to be really vigilant in getting enough rest and eating well-"

"I always am" she protested.

"Yes" he agreed. "Except when you're putting other people's needs ahead of your own, like you are now with Patrick. I know you want to care for him Robin but you cannot do it at your own expense."

"I'm not" she snapped, immediately regretting her tone. "Alan, I am taking care of myself."

"Good" he smiled. "Do you have any questions?"

Chewing on her bottom lip, she shook her head. "No"

"Okay then. I'll get you your new prescriptions and be back in a moment to explain them to you."

Watching as he left the office, she clenched her eyes shut and swallowed down the scream building inside her. What was she going to do now and how could she ever tell Patrick?


	97. Chapter 104

**Chapter 104**

Love is blindness

Patrick held the small mirror in front of his face as he worked his way through the list of words he had to work on. He grimaced as his lips and tongue seemed to resist moving into the position he knew they should be in to form the word.

Roger, his speech therapist, had been encouraging and kind but strict at the same time. He had told him it was going to be both a long and difficult process to get his speech back but that it would happen. He made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that Patrick would be expected to work hard every day and his success was entirely in his own hands. It had been two days since his first session and he was finding the whole process more frustrating than helpful. There were two year old children who could speak better than he could. He insisted that neither Robin nor Noah help him with his speech lessons - he was finding the experience marginally humiliating and the less witnesses the better.

The constant presence and willingness of both Robin and Noah to try and meet everyone of his needs, even before he asked for anything was wearing on him. Aware of the toll caring for him was taking on them, despite their denials, he wanted to be independent - he did not want to have to rely on either of them. When Robin first returned from her consultation in Port Charles, he had thought she was a little withdrawn but any questions he asked were met with the reassurance that she was just tired. He had asked his father's opinion about Robin and he too had reassured him that Robin had been running on little else than fumes for more than a week. At the end of the day he was left with little choice but to accept what they were both telling him.

Sighing deeply, he pursed his lips together and tried again. "C-c-c-rt" Growling, he hurled his mirror across the room. "F-f-f-rck" he yelled.

"Nice to see your potty mouth is still mostly unaffected" Eric snarked, leaning against the doorframe.

Looking over his shoulder towards the door, Patrick rolled his eyes.

Smiling, Eric crossed the threshold, closing the door behind him. "How goes it Pantsy?"

"S-sucks" he spat angrily.

"I see," he grinned. "So what you're telling me is that you're going to rebuild your vocabulary with all the bad words first?"

With a hint of a grin forming on his lips, Patrick stuck his tongue at his friend. Reaching for his white board, he uncapped the marker and wrote:

_This is hard. And people are treating me like my brain is as impaired as my speech._

Sitting down on the corner of his bed Eric shrugged. "But that's not new is it? I mean I've always thought your brain was impaired."

In spite of himself, Patrick laughed. _You are not as funny as you think you are. _

"True dat" he nodded. "Seriously though - how are you?" Eric paid close attention to the reaction of his reflexes as he cradled the marker in his hand.

"O-o-okay" he stammered. Fatigued, balance is still off but no seizures or numbness.

"That's good news" he told him quietly. "You're making good progress." Patrick rolled his eyes. "Dude, I know it's hard and it is never going to happen fast enough for you because you are the world's most impatient human being but trust me, you're going to get there."

_Before I'm 50?_

"Maybe even before you're 40" he teased lightly.

_I want people to stop fussing over me. I'm not incompetent_

"People? Or Robin and your Dad?"

"Y-yes"

Eric let out a breath and looked his friend in the eye. "Pantsy, you're going to have suck that one up. They love you and they want to take care of you. And no one thinks you're incompetent but they know you need their help even if you're shit at asking for it." Patrick smirked, grinning wryly. "Look before your surgery there was not a lot either of them could do for you and you know first hand how aggravating that is. Now there is stuff they can do for you so maybe you just let them, okay?"

_I'm not good at this_

"None of us ever are" he told him. "But sometimes you just have to let other people help you."

Knowing his friend was right, Patrick exhaled quietly and nodded. _Are you sticking around for a bit?_

"Your dad said he was going to bbq in the garage and invited Alexis and I to stay for dinner and watch the game with you guys."

Patrick furrowed his brow and shot a curious look at his friend. _Alexis?? Why is Alexis here? _His eyes widened in shock as his friend blushed from his neck to the roots of his hair.

"We're ah....she's....I'm...she's my girlfriend" he finally said, tripping over his words.

"Sh-sh-shut ip!" Patrick exclaimed, grinning wildly.

It was Eric's turn to roll his eyes. "No need to make a federal case about it, you know. I met her through you and Robin and we hit it off."

A wistful look crossed his face. He was missing giant pieces of the last six months but in many ways it was the missing smaller moments that made him the saddest. His best friend had finally started to date again and he apparently had a role in making it happen - he wished he could remember that. He wished he could call upon the images of him pushing his friend to do something about the girl he liked; even he couldn't remember how it happened he was confident there was a lot of him pushing Eric involved.

_Wow. Are you in love?_

"What?" he exclaimed. "Since when do we do 'dear diary' moments?"

_Holy shit. You are in love._ Grinning sloppily, Patrick nodded his approval.

"Yeah, yeah whatever," he waved his hand dismissively with a smile on his face. Getting off the bed, he extended his hand to his friend. "Care to show me how your walking is coming?"

He nodded. _I need a favour though_

"Name it"

_Do you know about the list I made? _

Eric paused before nodding slowly. "Yes - you showed it to me once"

_I want you to tell me more about it - I need to understand why I made it. _

Twisting his mouth off to the side, he contemplated the best track to take. He knew his friend well enough to know he would not be easily put off but he was also aware that with his emotions so close to the surface, he could very easily set him off when he was not necessarily prepared to deal with his own reactions to things.

xxxxxx  
"It's a beautiful home Noah" Alexis remarked as she settled on the couch. "The beach access during the summer must be to die for"

He smiled. "It is. I have been back here too many summers since Mattie died but it always was the perfect summer house."

"Pretty good winter house too" Robin remarked as she wrapped her hands around the hot chocolate.

"It's nice to have some life back in it" he said with sadness tingeing his voice.

He was grateful for how busy Patrick's care was keeping him. Though he had been up here before, during moments when he felt he needed to be close to Mattie, it felt different to be here with Patrick. It was as though a thousand ghosts had been unlocked and for as long as he was distracted by Patrick's needs then he could outrun or ignore them.

"I can see why Patrick wanted to come back here" Robin remarked. She had lived in a lot of houses but very few of them had the feeling of a home the way this place did.

"A lot of family memories are here" Noah's voice had a slight rasp to it. "Good ones" he added. Rising to his feet, he inhaled sharply. "I should go set those steaks to marinade - I'll be back in a little bit" Having excused himself, he disappeared to the kitchen.

Alexis watched as Noah walked away. Part of being a good trial lawyer was understanding body language and the slope of Noah's shoulders and his inability to sit still told her that there was more of a struggle going on than he was willing to admit. Eric had called her asking if she wanted to accompany him to the Hamptons. He told her that he wanted her company but he also wanted her opinion on how the household was holding up. Robin's outbursts and Noah's almost unnerving calm had not escaped his notice at the hospital and worried about the impact on all of them, he wanted to see for himself how everyone was doing.

"Noah has been great" Robin said as she followed Alexis' gaze "but I think he's finding it harder than he is willing to admit."

"He wouldn't be the only one" Alexis remarked softly as she cast a glance at the pale young woman beside her. "Anything going on with you that you care to talk about?"

Scrunching up her face, Robin shook her head. "Me? I'm fine Alexis. Happy to have him out of the hospital and I'm grateful that he's getting stronger every day."

With a small smirk, she turned to face Robin. "Robin, I'm a really, really good lawyer."

With a quizzical look on her face, she nodded her agreement, unsure of where it was all going.

"And that means I'm really good at spotting people who are being less than truthful. And I just wanted to let you know, in my professional opinion, your pants are on fire."

Robin's mouth dropped open slightly. "Really, Alexis I'm-"

She held up her hands. "It's not worth your energy to try and cover Robin. I know you and I know how much you like to take care of everyone around you often at your own expense. After you delivered Molly I promised you a lifetime a free legal advice. That also includes free advice period. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here and I'm a pretty good listener."

Her eyes welled with tears and she swallowed thickly. She still had not fully processed everything Alan had told her and it was like a weight pressing on her chest. She had started her new medication that morning and while she still had another day or two before the side effects would present themselves, the anticipation of them was as draining as the real thing.

"Actually" she said hoarsely, "I could use someone to talk to."


	98. Chapter 105

**Chapter 105**

And it's a long way down to the place where we started from

Alexis placed her hand on Robin's arm and smiled warmly. "What's up?"

Robin cast a quick look down the hall towards Patrick's room and saw the door was closed; the music in the kitchen was playing loudly enough that Noah would be unable to hear her. Comforted that no one would overhear their conversation, she took a deep breath before speaking.

"It's my viral load" she said softly, not quite meeting Alexis' gaze.

Her friend bit back the panic that welled up inside her and nodded her head. "Is it elevated?" she asked with greater calm than she felt.

"Yes. Alan has adjusted my dosage but if it doesn't come back to the numbers he expects then he'll have to change my protocol completely."

"Oh" she replied. "That's scary, isn't it?"

"Yeah" Her voice was above a whisper. "It's all kind of scary and I'm trying not to be too freaked about it but I'm not having much success there."

"And I'm the first person you told?"

Robin smirked. "Pretty much"

"Is there a reason you aren't telling Mac? or Patrick? or Noah?"

She pulled thoughtfully on her bottom lip. Everyone always seemed to act as though it was easy to give this kind of news to people who love you; that somehow they would stifle their own reaction and only worry about yours. But in the more than 10 years she had lived with HIV she knew that wasn't the case. People always had the best of intentions but their love for someone who was sick, whose health was in a delicate balance, coloured everything. It was neither good nor bad, it just was. And she had discovered long ago that it was easier to get through the difficulty and then let others know. It may not have always seemed fair but she was looking out for their interests as much as her own.

"Mac will likely overreact and no matter how many times I try to assure him that it's okay, he doesn't get it."

"Parent's prerogative" she reminded her gently.

"I know" she agreed. "But part of being an adult child is making sure you don't unnecessarily stress out the people around you."

"And Patrick?"

She shook her head. "How can I tell him this? He'll blame himself, he'll want answers to questions about the last six months regarding my health and I would either have to lie to him or tell him that he left and I fell apart and endangered my own health in the process. He's not ready for all that right now. I don't....Alexis I don't want to do anything to impede his healing. I came" her voice hitched and she smiled shyly, "I came so very close to losing him - more than once. I would never forgive myself if in a moment of selfishness I caused him and damage."

Alexis arched her eyebrow in silent surprise. "Selfishness? Robin, you're in a relationship with him and sick or not, telling him that you are dealing with a health issue isn't selfish."

"I learned...I learned a long time ago that part of living with HIV includes making it easier on the people around you to accept it. It means being patient with colleagues and strangers; it means never letting an opportunity for education to pass you by; and it means downplaying some of the more unpleasant aspects of the virus' progression."

She shook her head. "Respectfully Robin, I don't agree. I thought the same thing about my cancer and I discovered that downplaying the severity of something generally resulted in the people you are trying to protect feeling betrayed."

"I can't. Not right now" she whispered, leaning forward and resting her elbows on her knees.

Alexis was tempted to push her, afterall she had made her career with persuasive arguments but she also knew that a bulldozer wasn't always the best approach. Her friend was dealing with so much already and while she disagreed with how she was dealing with this more than anything she needed her support.

"How can I help?"

Robin, having braced herself to counter any case made by her friend, smiled gratefully. "Just being able to say it out loud was a big help."

Alexis took both of Robin's hands in her own and looked directly into her eyes. "Robin, whatever you need just pick up the phone and ask. You aren't alone - not through any of this."

Unbidden tears sprang to her eyes and with a small sniffle, she swiped at them. "I get really teary these days" she offered as an explanation.

"Teary is okay" she reassured her. "Have you thought about going back to your support group? This might be a time they could help?"

She shook her head. "I can't while we're here. I would have to come up with an excuse each time as to why I'm going back to Port Charles and -"

"How about the truth? Patrick knows you go to a support group and it shouldn't surprise him that you would want to go again."

"I just can't. Not right now."

Alexis did the only thing she could do. She gathered her friend in her arms and hugged her tightly. "It's going to be okay Robin" she told her softly, "I promise."

Melting into the embrace, Robin closed her eyes and sighed. She did not know if Alexis was right or not but in that moment she wanted to believe her.

xxxx  
_The list_

Patrick tapped his board impatiently as Eric made some notes in his chart.

Looking up, he gave a small sigh. "You made a list of things you wanted to do with Robin."

_Because I thought I was going to die?_

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he inhaled sharply. "Things were grim" he confirmed. "And it wasn't just the possibility of death but you were and I know you still are, well aware of the possible complications resulting from surgery and you wanted to cram as much in as you could before."

_Robin says I didn't tell her. _

"You're surprised? Patrick I don't think the KGB would be able to get you to talk unless you wanted to. And obviously, for reasons only you know, you didn't share it with her."

_I don't know. I don't FUCKING know!!!!_ He hurled the dry erase board across the room and took some satisfaction in the loud clanging noise it made as it hit the ground.

"Feel better?"

"N-no"

Pushing himself up from the chair, Eric walked across the room and picked up the board. The corners were chipped and snagged showing the evidence of Patrick's frustration. "Didn't think so" he told him kindly as he handed it back to him. "I know you're frustrated but you have to give this time."

Grudgingly, Patrick picked up his pen again. _Did I hurt Robin? or my Dad?_

It did not escape Patrick's notice that Eric dropped his gaze for the briefest of moments before looking up at him again. "That's for you and Robin to work out. I'm not spoon feeding you answers and you know why. It's not about us filling in the blanks for you Patrick - that tells you what happened but it doesn't give you your memory back. You still won't be able to recall the specific moments until you remember them for yourself."

_blah blah blah_

Rolling his eyes, Eric smirked. "Smartass."

_What about sex?_

"Eh. Sorry Pantsy but you really ain't my type. I like my partners a little less male."

Narrowing his eyes, Patrick stuck up his middle finger.

Laughing, Eric jammed his hands in his pockets. "You're not ready yet" he told him. A look of disappointment crossed Patrick's face. "Look Patrick I know you and I know you're feeling a little desperate about being able to communicate with the world around you and most especially Robin. You want her to know you love her - I get that. But for the next little while you'll have to be as creative as you can be. I don't want you engaging in any....exertion of that kind for a while yet."

Sighing heavily, Patrick nodded his understanding. Rationally he understood that he wasn't physically ready for sex but he was craving intimacy which was ironic considering how often he had eschewed it in the past. And while he knew there were plenty of ways to be intimate his inability to communicate limited many of them.

Hearing Noah call everyone for dinner, Eric moved to the bed and helped his friend to his feet. "Hang tough Pantsy. As you liked to remind me when I was puking my guts out from round after round of chemo - it's a pace not a race."

xxxxx  
Dinner had been a happy gathering with much laughter and storytelling. Not wanting to be left out, Patrick even managed to scribble down a short but embarrassing story about his best friend that left Eric blushing like mad and the rest of the table dissolved in a fit of giggles. They had moved into the living room for puck drop and Robin had mysteriously disappeared to the bedroom only to emerge minutes later in her New Jersey Devils hockey sweater.

Patrick gasped as he looked at her. The briefest of images of her in the sweater on the couch at her apartment flashed before him. There was something about the image - a mixture of fun and seriousness - that gave him pause. It was achingly familiar and he thought if he concentrated hard enough he would be able to reach the memory that dangled tantalizingly out of his reach. Closing his eyes, he fixated on the image to see if the rest of the memory followed.

"Awww" Robin said teasingly as she slid into the seat next to him, "you're so afraid that my boys are going to beat your boys that you're closing your eyes?"

Even the words rang with recognition. Clenching his eyes shut he tried to focus, tried to bring the memory forward but as quickly as it had appeared it left again. Letting out a small, defeated sigh, he opened his eyes and smiled at his girlfriend. He pointed to the crest on her sweater.

"S-s-s-sucks" he teased, his brown eyes dancing.

"You're terrible" Robin shot back. "I think we need to get you a new speech therapist how won't teach you nasty words."

"It's awful when their vocabularies regress, isn't it?" Eric asked with a glint in his eye.

Reaching for his board, he wrote:

_Alexis, I have many, many more stories about Smitty. And I also feel I should warn you that he kind of smells. And can barely dress himself. On a good day._

Alexis laughed and rubbed her hands together. "Tell you what Patrick," she said in a loud conspiratorial voice, "you and I will get some quality time together and you can fill me in on all the juicy details."

Shooting his girlfriend a lock of mock incredulity, Eric turned to Robin. "Robin, have I ever told you about my extensive photo collection? I have Patrick parading in a wide variety of costumes. And publically naked. Happy to share them with you."

Laughing, Robin curled in towards Patrick sliding her hand around his waist and resting her head on his chest. "I think you two need to declare a peace accord before you scare both Alexis and I off and all you have left is each other."

Patrick and Eric stared at each other for a moment before declaring at the same time, "Ewwww!"

"Thought so" Robin said in a sing song voice.

Looking around the room, Patrick knit his brow. _Where is my dad?_

"He said he had to go into town and pick up some stuff" Alexis answered easily, "but he'd be back by the second quarter"

"Period" Eric corrected with a grin, nipping at her lips as he did so.

"I think you should just be grateful I'm willing to fake interest in this mutated version of ice capades."

_Would you two get a room?_

"Or maybe we could?" Robin teased waggling her eyebrows.

Patrick gave her a wistful look and taking hold of her hand, slipped it inside his t-shirt bringing it to rest over his tattoo. The first time he had done so, she had been unsure of what he was trying to say but she had figured it out in short order.

"I love you too" she whispered.

"Shhh!" Alexis said. "They're about to drop the puck thingy."

Robin giggled and snuggled in closer to Patrick while Eric dropped a lingering kiss on Alexis' shoulder. Looking at the other three and the contentment on everyone's face, Patrick couldn't help but feel they had turned some kind of corner.

xxxx  
The wind whipped through the streets rustling the bare branches of the trees planted with excruciating accuracy along the boulevard. With his hands jammed in his pockets and his coat collar flicked up to ward off the last kick of winter, Noah stared at the blinking sign. To any other passer-by it would say 'Cold Beer' but to him it said so much more. It said 'Feel Better Here' and 'Numbness is but a drink away' and 'You deserve a break'.

He eyes were fixed on the green neon and the pull of the bar was extraordinarily strong. There was so much he loved about being in the house with his son again but at the same time the void created by his wife's death seemed more acute than it ever had. The house was a testament to her and their love and revisiting it with Patrick all these years only served to heighten the reminders of all he had lost. He had not been able to sleep in their bed - he had not been back to the bed since Mattie's death. Normally when he visited the house alone, he would sleep in Patrick's bed or on the couch. He was afraid at how weak Patrick and Robin would think him if they knew how intimated he was by the bed and all its memories. Instead, he bought an inflatable mattress and put it on the floor in the room. It made him angry and sad. It made him want a drink.

Actually, he wanted a hundred drinks. Or a thousand. Or however many it would take stop feeling like he did.

He stared at the people laughing uproariously as they swirled on the bar stools and he wanted a taste. Just a taste. He took one step forward towards the door and then paused.

Turning to his left, he headed quickly down the street towards the church where he knew he would find a meeting. And whatever he needed to stop himself from taking that taste.


	99. Chapter 106

**Chapter 106**

It's just another ordinary miracle today

Propped up against the pillows, Alexis smiled lazily as Eric stepped out of his jeans. Picking them up from the floor he folded them neatly and hung them over the back of the chair in the far corner of his room. Turning around and seeing Alexis' wanton look, his skin flushed. "What are you staring at?"

"You" she told him unapologetically. "You have a lot of nice clothes and despite what Patrick said tonight I actually think you can dress yourself but more than anything, I like you naked the best."

He crawled to her on the bed with a sloppy grin on his face. Each morning he woke up almost in disbelief that he had found someone like her, that he had found someone who could make him feel the way she did. Seizing her lips with his own he tugged her on top of him and kissed her passionately. Their tongues tangled together in languid familiarity and Alexis could not help but moan as she pressed against his smooth skin.

Breathless, they reluctantly broke apart. Glassy eyed with desire, he pushed her bangs from her face as he stared lovingly at her. "Thank you for coming with me today" he told her. "It means a lot."

Laying on her side, her head propped up on her hand she leisurely trailed her hand along his chest. "I was happy to do it" she said. "Robin and Patrick are important to me - Robin especially."

"How did you find her?" he asked as he pressed a kiss to her neck.

She paused for a moment to consider her answer. She would not betray her friend's confidence but didn't want to lie to her boyfriend either. "She's struggling a little" she finally admitted. "There's a lot going on with her and she's worried for Patrick." He nodded his understanding. "How was Patrick?"

"Ouf" he sighed. "It depends on the moment. He's frustrated about his speech and his lack of memory. When he's just focusing on what's in front of him he's okay but when he's trying to grasp for what's missing and not getting it I can feel him panic."

"And as his doctor, what did you find?" she pressed gently.

A small grimace worked across his face before disappearing as quickly as it appeared. "There is still a slight tremor in his hand under pressure that's causing me some concern."

She continued to stroke her hand across his broad smooth chest as she felt the tension forming in his muscles. Everyone was paying a price for Patrick's illness and recovery, including Eric. "I thought you said residual tremors were likely."

He nodded. "They are and in most other patients they would be acceptable."

"But in Patrick?"

"He's a surgeon. He can't go back in the OR if he doesn't have steady hands."

Alexis knew that he held himself to a near impossible standard where Patrick was concerned. Anything short of a perfect recovery was tantamount to failure in his books and it was taking a toll on him. Snuggling in closer to him she laid a trail of soft kisses along his arm and shoulder.

"Why don't you come down this weekend?" she asked, "the girls have been dying to go ice skating and I was thinking we could do it together."

Eric closed his eyes briefly as a quick smile formed on his lips. Opening his eyes, he stole a quick kiss. "I have an appointment on Saturday afternoon, so I wouldn't be able to come until Sunday."

Furrowing her brow together, Alexis pulled herself to a sitting position. "What kind of an appointment?"

Mirroring her, he drew the back of his finger across her cheek. "It's a check up with my oncologist."

Panic swept through her and her breathing shallowed. "A ch-check up? Is something wrong?"

"No" he told her reassuringly. "I got my five year all clear a few months back but because of how the cancer progressed in me when I was sick I have to have a check up every six months."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes" Seeing her eyes well with tears and trickle down her cheeks, Eric looked at her in surprise. "Hey." He swiped at the tears with the pads of his thumb, "Hey. What's wrong?"

Sniffling, she shook her head. "I just….I don't know what I'd do….you always talk about your cancer in the past."

"It is in the past" he said emphatically. "This is just to make sure it stays there."

"I don't know what I'd do if I lost you" she whispered tearfully.

Her relationship with Eric was a process of letting go of old habits and learning once again to trust. Having worked so hard to let her defences down even the mere hint of it coming off the rails was enough to send her into a panicked tailspin.

"I'm right here" Taking her hand he placed it over his heart. "I'm right here Alexis and I'm not going anywhere."

Sweeping her hand over his skin, she dipped her head and seized his lips in a hard, needful kiss. Pushing him on to his back she straddled his hips and began to cover his skin in kisses. His hands roamed the length of her back as he returned her kisses, suckling on her soft skin. He pushed his hips up against her as she continued to take possession of his body.

Feeling his arousal brush against her hot centre she lifted her head and stared at him, her eyes still damp with tears.

"I'm right here" he repeated. "I'm not leaving you."

Moving further down his body she slipped him inside her and started to rock her hips against his. Their rhythm is slow and steady as he continued to reassure her with words and touches that she can trust him - that she can trust herself. But passion and desire soon surged to the forefront and they rolled around on the bed, pushing and pulling, tasting and touching, climbing faster towards the edge. His tongue thrust inside the silky softness of her mouth in time with his hips and a sheen of perspiration covered their bodies until they both paused for a moment before free falling over the edge together.

Alexis lay on top of him, panting. Her hair was pressed to her face and as she tiredly lifted her head, she smiled. "I love you"

They were words she never thought she would say again – not to a partner at least and while reason told her she should hold back and not open herself so quickly, her heart told her to rush forth, that it would be worth it.

Flipping over and sweeping her underneath him, Eric hovered just above her with a goofy grin on his face.

"What?" she asked cautiously.

He nipped at tip of her nose and then her lips. "You said it first" he beamed.

Rolling her eyes in mock irritation, she sighed heavily. "Yes, yes. I said it first. Am I going to hear it back any time soon? And if you are contemplating making me wait, I would like to remind you that I was a good girlfriend who feigned interest in your little gladiators on skates game earlier tonight."

His blue eyes danced happily. "First of all, there is nothing little about hockey. It is large and loud and hard-"

"Kind of like you" she teased, enjoying the reddening of his cheeks.

"Second of all" he carried on, his face becoming serious. "I love you. Very, very much."

xxxx

Emerging from the bathroom with her face freshly washed and dressed in a tank top and shorts, Robin pulled back the covers and crawled into the bed beside her boyfriend. It had been one of the best nights she had spent in a long time. For a few hours every difficulty seemed forgotten and they lived in the moment. Sharing her news with Alexis also did much to relieve the stress she was feeling; there were still so many feelings of anxiety and uncertainty churning inside her but telling someone about it and not having them freak out made it more manageable.  
Looking over at Patrick propped up against several pillows with his eyes closed, she smiled. There was a long way to go yet but he was more like himself than he had been in quite some time.

She gently touched his shoulder. "Patrick – don't you want a shirt? You're normally cold through the night."

He had lost so much weight leading up to his surgery that his ribs poked through clearly. He was almost always cold and had taken to layering several t-shirts on top of each other. Opening his eyes, he shook his head.

"No" he responded quietly.

There was a glint in his eye causing Robin to arch her eyebrow. "Oh? You want to be naked?"

He nodded. "Y-you"

Wrinkling her brow, she cocked her head to the side. "You want me to be naked too?"

He nodded again. Pausing for several beats Robin simply stared at him. In the week that he had been released, they had spent every night together, wrapped around each other. They had kissed and occasionally fumbled for each other but there had not been much interest or energy for more. She knew her boyfriend well and with the apples of his cheeks burning brightly, she understood what he wanted. Gripping the hem of her tank top she pulled it over her head and tossed it to the side of the bed. Kicking back the covers she slid her shorts down her lean, muscular legs and tossed them in the same direction of her tank top.

She smiled warmly as Patrick reached for her. The feel of his hands on her skin, even just a slight touch made her body hum.

"I doubt that you are cleared for sex" she told him kindly.

He opened his mouth several times and tried to make his tongue form the words that balanced on its tip but they would not come. Sighing in defeat, he reached for his board.

_I'm not but you are._

Having read his note, Robin cupped his cheek. "Babe, we can wait" she told him softly. "I'm happy just to be with you as we are."

Shaking his head, he erased his board and wrote again. _I __want __to touch you. Feel you. I need to touch you. _

While having HIV had made her cautious on the dating scene, she had had her share of lovers but there had been none who had ever made her feel as desirable or as attractive as Patrick did. He could do it with a look, a word or a kiss. He was a former playboy who could have almost any woman he wanted but she was the only one he was interested in. She had worried at times that she wasn't exciting enough for him, not daring enough but he had never made her feel that way; with him she felt sexy and wanted.

Cupping the back of his head, she pulled him towards her and kissed him lustfully. Her hands swept over his shoulders and he swallowed down her moan as his tongue dove inside her velvety warm mouth. When he reluctantly let go of her lips, he moved his mouth to her neck and then her earlobe before sucking softly on her shoulder.

His hands rove over her body reacquainting themselves with the curves and swells he knew by heart. He had no idea how long it had been since they had made love and as she arched off the bed upwards towards him he sensed it had been longer than he realized. His thumbs grazed her nipples, flicking them as they hardened under his touch.

As his hand slipped between her thighs, teasing and trailing up her legs and over her hips, she reached for him again, fastening her mouth to his. As weeks of pent up fear and worry and frustration rose inside her, she felt like a starving person who had discovered a stash of food. Her chest heaved as his tongue curled around hers; her blood was pumping furiously through her.

He dipped his head to her chest and closed his lips around her nipple, laving it with his tongue. Her eyes fluttered closed in desire and a soft groan flew from the back of her throat. He moved to her other breast and her hand flew to the back of his head, urging him to take more, to go deeper. Heeding her silent request, Patrick traced circles over her nipple. His blood raced through his body as well, as though he was finally waking up after a long slumber.

There was not much he could trust – memories were foggy or non-existent, his speech was mangled and difficult, but this was something he could trust. He could show her that he loved her; he could, in this moment, be a man to her because there was so many other ways he could not.

He slipped his fingers inside her and began to slowly pump them. Robin nearly came off with the sensations coursing through her body. His tongue continued to explore her golden skin as she started to spin out of control. He was taking her to the brink and she was shocked at how badly she wanted to be there. Her hips pushed off the bed, hungry for more and she scratched her nails along his back as he took her over the edge. She cried out his name as she came apart against him.

Her eyes stayed tightly clenched as her body buzzed in after shocks. Her heart rate began to slow and she slowly opened her eyes, meeting Patrick's gaze.

His head was pounding lightly from the exertion and he had pushed himself to the point of exhaustion but he had wanted to feel her. He was plagued by doubts of so many things and in dark moments was unsure if she was with him out of some misplaced obligation. But when they were intimate, when they were together like that there was only ever honesty between them.

Seeing his eyes droop with fatigue she reached out and stroked his cheek. "Are you okay?" she asked quietly. She snuggled into him and pulled the blankets tightly around both of them, dropping a kiss over his heart.

"Y-yes" he stammered. "Now."


	100. Chapter 107

**Chapter 107**

These days you might feel a shaft of light make its way across your face

With her coffee sending billows of steam into the crisp March air, Robin walked towards the small cluster of outer buildings on the far end of the property. It was a large property with several small buildings set away from the main house that Noah had suggested she explore at her leisure. She liked the sound the snow made crunching under foot as she approached the smallest of the buildings. Yellow paint was peeling away from the side and chipped white paint dotted the door frame. The screen door let out a creaky protest as she pulled it open. Beams of bright winter sun light flooded the sparsely decorated room and Robin felt bathed in the warmth.

Shrugging off her jacket she hooked on the back handle of the inner door and took a long sip of her coffee. There was an old rocking chair set near the window offering the most incredible view of the beach and the water lapping at the frozen sand. Casting an inquisitive glance around the room, a small smile formed on her lips as she saw an easel perched, forgotten, in the corner. There were paint splatters strewn across it in a rainbow of colours as she was drawn towards it, she wondered briefly who the artist in the Drake family was. She doubted it was Patrick as he had never shown much patience for art - looking at it or discussing it. She paused though and reconsider her assumption. One of things she had discovered in the last few weeks was that many of the things Patrick claimed to have little interest in, like opera, were actually reminders of his mother.

Drawing her finger along the top of the easel and sending dust floating to the floor beneath her, she understood why the easel was positioned where it was; it allowed the painter the most complete view of the property from the window. A brush lay in the cradle of the easel and picking it up she saw Mattie's name engraved into its side. It shouldn't have surprised her, everything she had heard and discovered about her all pointed in the direction of a creative woman bustling with energy to spare and surrounding her husband and son in complete and total love.

As she replaced the brush where she found it she could not help but wonder if she would have been to Mattie's liking? When Mattie dreamed of the woman she wanted for her son, would she have fit the bill? If it were her son would there be any woman she would ever consider suitable.

Her son. A child.

Her hand instincitvely landed on her belly. A few years earlier in Paris she had looked into the options available to her if she wanted to have a child. It was painfully evident at the time that if she wanted to do so, she would be a single mother; there were no men in her life then who had any interest in raising a child. She had sought information on adoption and artificial insemination but in the end put it all on the backburner to return to Port Charles. This was the first time she had thought of it since her return and she was unsure of what she felt. There was still that pull to be a mother, that voice inside her that told her she was meant to have a child to love and raise but now she was in love with Patrick and wanted to build a life with him. And the prospect of being a single mother grew less appealing with every passing month.

They had not yet talked about children. In fact she was clueless as to how he felt. On some level she knew he was opposed to the idea - not because he disliked children but because the wounds of his father's failings ran deep and in so many aspects of his life he was afraid of being like him. She also knew that Patrick would never do something unless he was sure he would be brilliant at it - not good, not adequate but brilliant. There would be time some day for a conversation about children but she knew that time was not now.

Spying a door at the back of the room she followed its silent invitation and pushed it open. She gasped as she entered. There were three selves stacked one upon the other stuffed full of canvases. Standing in front of them she reached up and carefully extracted one. It was a painting of the main house with the back garden in full bloom. It was clear to her that the Drakes had once lived a life jam packed with colours but Mattie's death had muted them. Reflecting back on how she saw things after Stone's death she realized that something very similar had happened to her. Life with Stone was broad and rich with colours and feelings but for a long time after his death life existed only in black and white for her. She wondered if Patrick saw colour or believed in it.

She pulled several more canvases down admiring both the talent and the passion in them. Glancing at her watch she was surprised to see that it had been more than two hours since she had strolled through the front door. With great care she returned the canvases to where she found them. As she slid the last one onto the shelf another canvas, about half the size of the others tipped out and fell in to her hands. Looking down at it she felt a rush of warmth wash over her.

It was a painting of Patrick. He couldn't have been more than about five years old and he was dressed in brown shorts and a white t-shirt with mud streaked across the front. He had on yellow rain boots that gaped around his small legs. He was holding his finger out in front of his face staring in wonder at the butterfly perched delicately on it. Peeking out from his pocket was a small blue anchor. Her heart swelled as she traced her fingers over the outline of his face, bringing them to rest on the small indent of his dimple. There was a story behind the painting, she could feel it and so tucking it under her arm, she left the small storage room pulling the door shut behind her. Reaching for her coat, she slung it over her shoulders and excitedly walked back to the main house.

xxxxxx  
Ass.

Noah looked up from the board and over top of his glasses, giving his son an incredulous look. "Patrick 'ass' is not a points scoring word in Scrabble."

Giving him a defiant look, his son crossed his arms in front of him. "Y-yes"

"Fine" he sighed dramatically, "maybe it is a points scoring word but the whole reason we're playing Scrabble is to help you recapture some of your words - I'm not sure I want 'ass' to be near the top of that list."

Shrugging, Patrick smiled. "M-my...my....wh-wh-whules" he stammered. _Why the fuck can't I say an R? _he scribbled in frustration.

His father smiled sympathetically. "It's a hard letter to get your tongue around. It'll come - you're already getting much better."

"T-too sl-sl-sluw," he growled. "S-s-s-slow."

"Too bad you don't have any letters to spell those words with" he teased, "cause I'm still kicking your ass" Noah grinned broadly as he dropped an M in front of ass.

Patrick narrowed his eyes in mock irritation.

It was his speech therapist who, recognizing his patient's low tolerance for traditional methods of therapy, had suggested Scrabble as a way to work on his words. Patrick had rolled his eyes and exhaled with great exasperation at the suggestion. He grudgingly played a game with Robin and his father not convinced at all of its merits. With each passing game he seemed to be able to master a new word here and there and while he was loathe to admit the game had anything to do with it, he had come to look forward to it. Scrabble, set up on the kitchen table, had become a haven of normalcy for him. It became the place where everyone was themselves - no one hovered or flinched at the slightest slip or stumble. They laughed hard through the games and a familiar feeling had started to envelope him - a feeling of family. The absence of memories of the last six months left him wondering about so many things. As he would lie in bed with Robin at night he could feel this pull inside him wanting to make their relationship more permanent but he had no idea if they had discussed it or not. The lack of ring on her finger told him that he had not so far asked her to marry him but he wondered how many conversations about their future they had shared. Did he know before his surgery that he could see his future with her? He didn't want to ask Robin for fear of hurting her - it might have been discussed and dismissed or it might not have been discussed at all. If the latter were the case and he brought it up, he was sure she would tell him to leave it until he was stronger. It was her answer for almost any difficult subject.

"You okay Sport?" Noah asked as his son continued to gaze off into the distance.

Patrick nodded. "T-t-tied" he admitted.

Noah had become an expert at speaking 'Patrick' and inserting missing vowels and consonants so as to better understand him. Truthfully he didn't need the vowels or consonants, he was his son and some 30 years earlier he had learned to communicate with him when there was a lack of vocabulary and he would do it again. He not told him of his near slip outside the bar the other night. He knew Patrick would feel terribly and would blame himself, thinking it was the stress of caring for him that made him want to drink but the reality was it was coming face to face with his past - over and over again - that pushed all of his buttons and reminded him of all that was lost and the time that had been wasted.

"Why don't we stop for now?" he suggested. "We can play again tonight after dinner and maybe if we gang up on Robin we can finally beat her!"

"So it takes two men to topple little old me?" Robin asked as she came through the door.

"It may take three" Noah joked, "but two is all we got."

She slid on to Patrick's lap and kissed him softly. "You been spelling naughty words again?"

He grinned, waggling his eyebrows. Seeing something peeking out from under her arm, he gave it a gentle tug.

Robin took the painting and laid it gently on the table. "I found what I guess was Mattie's studio" she said quietly. "And this painting literally fell into my hands." She turned to Patrick. "You really were an adorable little boy."

Picking up the painting, Noah stared at it for several minutes. "Oh my" he said hoarsely. "Patrick was four and a half when she painted this." He laid it back on the table and pushed it towards his son. "Do you remember it?"

Patrick moved his hand from side to side as if to say 'a little bit'.

"Is there a story about it?" Robin prodded, curious as to what it meant and why it had fallen into her hands.

He nodded. "I took that photo of Patty that spring. He was mucking about in the garden and he had...he had held up his hand somehow and that butterfly landed right on his finger. And my big, brave son was stunned into inertia."

They both laughed. Robin curled her fingers through the fine wisps of hair at the nape of Patrick's neck. "Was he afraid?"

Noah shook his head. "No - he was just surprised and fascinated. He stared at that butterfly for a good two or three minutes before it flew away."

"Can I ask - can I ask why he has an anchor in his pocket?"

A wistful look crossed Noah's face and his green eyes shone with unbidden tears. "Mattie added that. She said the butterfly was magic and an omen of things to come. She said that it was a reminder from the universe that our son would fly high." Pinching the bridge of his nose and a whirlwind of memories swirled inside him, he inhaled sharply before continuing. "So she put the anchor in his pocket so that no matter how high or how far he flew that he knew he would always have roots - a place that was home."

Patrick looked at the painting and then back at his father. A heavy silence hung in the air as Noah waited for some kind of reaction. With a small smile, he nodded. "T-thanks" he told him.

"Noah," Robin hesitated for a moment and then started again. "Would you....I'd kind of like this painting to hang in our apartment" she told him before looking at her boyfriend. "Would that be okay with both of you?"

Moved by her suggestion all Noah could do was nod his agreement. He pushed back his chair and quickly left the room, not wanting either to see his struggle to stay in control.

Patrick kissed her softly, resting his forehead against hers. "M-m-mazing" he whispered.

Robin looked to the painting and then to him. "Yes it is."


	101. Chapter 108

**Chapter 108**

To find the faith that's been lost within

With her fingers curled around the door handle, Robin stood still and took a deep breath before pulling it open and stepping inside.

The side effects from the change in dosage were wearing on her. Her fatigue was all encompassing; she wanted to sleep for hours but forced herself from bed so as not to alert Patrick or Noah that anything was off. Her muscles ached and her stomach seemed permanently clenched as she tried to ride out the unending waves of nausea. She scoffed as she thought of all the times people so glibly referred to HIV as a manageable disease; as though all she had to do was pop a couple of tic tacs and be on her merry little way. Every increase or change to her meds put her on a treadmill that threatened to run her into the ground. The room would spin when she got out of bed; she was reduced to sipping chicken soup and Gatorade to keep her strength up because the mere thought of most food sent her sprinting for the bathroom; and on bad days the simple act of brushing her teeth could sap her of all her strength. Oh the disease was manageable alright, it's just that no one ever talked about the cost of managing it.

Alexis had called her a few times to check in and to encourage her. Yesterday she had caught her at a particularly weak moment. She had returned to the art studio and curled up in the rocking chair, staring out at water. Alone, with little fear of being caught, she had finally given into the stress and wept. And as though Alexis knew she needed her, she called. Robin had tried to cover, had tried to pretend that everything was just fine but her friend would have none of it. Using all of the tactics and training her legal career afforded her, Alexis convinced her that she needed to go to her support group and furthermore that she needed to tell Patrick where she was going, even if she was not ready to tell him why.

Robin had demurred and resisted but in the end was no match for Alexis and agreed to take her advice. The truth was she knew she needed to go back to the group. She was feeling decidedly overwhelmed by it all and needed to talk to some people who just got it.

Patrick had given her many gifts in their time together but perhaps the greatest one was the push he gave her to find a community who shared her experience.

Their conversation last night had gone better than she expected. They had been curled up on the couch watching a movie when she gently broached the subject.

_"Do you remember helping me find a support group last summer?"_

Cocking his head to the side, Patrick gave her a curious look. His brow knit together in concentration as he mined his memory for the information. Relief crossed his face as he found it. "Y-yes" he told her

She swallowed thickly and pushed herself to go forward. "I…I…I'm going to go back to Port Charles for a meeting tomorrow."

His brown eyes had widened with worry and he had groped for the remote control to turn the movie off. He had suspicions that she was not feeling well but getting a straight answer from her on the subject was next to impossible.

"You s-s-s-sick?" he stammered as his heart beat wildly in his chest.

"No" she emphatically told him. She had convinced herself that it was not entirely a lie. She was not sick per se, just unwell. It was certainly not something she wanted him to worry about. "I'm just…I'm feeling a little disconnected and think it would be a good thing to go back for a meeting."

He had searched her eyes looking for some kind of hint of what was going on with her but could find none. He knew from his own experience that sometimes it didn't take an event or crisis to need to a visit to a support group. In truth, some of the most intense moments he had experienced at Al-Anon had been when he thought everything was fine.

He had picked up the board and wrote: Then you should go. I'm proud of you for going.

Her eyes had pricked with tears as she read his words. She hadn't felt that it was anything to be proud of. She was solely responsible for the changes to her health and was bearing the consequences of them.

"I'll drive back tomorrow night. Is there…is there anything you want from the apartment?" Eric had dropped off his two suitcases of clothes he had taken with him when he left Port Charles but no one had told him why Eric had his clothes nor had he asked.

He shook his head and wrote: No. Just you.

"You won't even miss me" she teased lightly, thankful to be avoiding any further inquiry.

You know I love you, right?

"Of course" she reassured him.

And you can tell me anything.

"Yes" she agreed hesitatingly, concerned that she was not yet home free.

So if something were wrong, you would tell me, right? I don't want you to protect me.

His words had given her pause. She wasn't trying to protect him – not really. She was just trying to keep everything manageable. She had cupped his cheek and gently stroked her thumb along his skin. "I would tell you" she reassured him. "I'm okay – I promise."

As she had reached for the remote to turn the movie back on, she missed the stormy look that passed through his eyes. 

xxxxxx  
The room was a hive of activity. There seemed to be several more people who had joined the group in the time she had been away; she had mixed feelings about that. On one hand she was pleased that they had found the courage to come forward and talk about the reality of living with the virus. On the other hand, she hated how the numbers, even after almost three decades, still seemed to be growing not shrinking.

Weaving through a couple of people she headed for the back of the room where the refreshments were laid out. Tip toeing to where the cookies were, she stood right behind Darren.

"Still trying to find the ones with the most chocolate chips?" she asked teasingly.

Spinning around, he dropped the cookies in his hand and pulled her in to a tight embrace. "I am so glad to see you" he told her.

Robin hugged him back. "It's nice to be seen" she said as she slowly let go of him.

"How are you?"

Robin gave a small shrug. "My viral load hasn't come down so my meds have gone up" she told him as non-chalantly as she could.

His face dropped. "That sucks."

She nodded. "Completely."

Grabbing a couple of cookies and some napkins, he ushered her over to the chairs. As they sat down, she shook her head at the offer of a cookie nearly turning green as she did so.

Darren nodded his understanding. "How bad is it?"

"Bad" she admitted for the first time out loud. "I swear I used to have a much higher tolerance for changes in my meds but now it's knocking the stuffing out of me."

"It gets harder every time" he agreed. "The last time I couldn't get out of bed for three days."

She grimaced, knowing how he felt. "Not an option for me"

"Patrick?" he asked. She nodded. "How is he?"

Robin smiled bravely. "He's okay. The tumour is out and he's on the mend. There are some issues that he has to deal with but all in all it's a very good result."

"I'm really pleased" he told her. "But he doesn't know about you, does he?"

Sighing, she rubbed her hand over her face. She hated that she felt dishonest when people asked her that. She wasn't lying to him and at the end of the day it was her condition, to manage as she felt appropriate. Right now telling Patrick didn't feel appropriate.

"No" she answered simply. "And if you're about to lecture me save your breath, okay? I'm not interested."

The corners of his mouth twitched up into a smile as he held up his hands. "I surrender."

Robin laughed lightly, shaking her head. "I'm sorry" she told him. "It's just everyone seems to have an opinion on how I should handle this with Patrick and I'm not looking for that."

"What are you looking for?"

Robin was quiet for a minute as she contemplated her answer. She tucked her hair behind her ears and smiled shyly. "Reassurance" she answered finally. "And some comfort"

Taking a bite of a cookie, Darren grinned. "Well then, I think you've come to the right place."

xxxxx  
Robin listened attentively as others spoke and yet again was amazed at how similar their experiences were at the most basic level. There was much the group members did not have in common but the one thread binding them all together was a strong one. Taking a last nervous mouthful of her juice, she swallowed it down and cleared her throat.

"My viral load is climbing" she said softly. "I've been one of the very lucky ones. I was diagnosed pre-cocktail and have been, for all intents and purposes, very healthy over the last decade. I've had a couple of bumps along the way but this is…." She exhaled softly and continued, "this is the first time that my viral load hasn't responded the way it normally does and it's scaring the shit out of me. My doctor has told me that if it doesn't stabilize then I'm going to need a new protocol and I have to admit that has sent my mind into all kinds of dark places.

It used to be that death was the big bad. But I don't think that anymore. I'm a doctor" she smiled, "and if I'm really honest I would say that I'm not afraid of death – death is a state, a passive state. But I do worry about dying – because there's nothing passive about it. I'm afraid of the pain mostly," she admitted. "But it's not even really death and dying that has me kind of freaked out. It's the reaction and side effects of changing my protocol. The last time I had to go through it, I was beyond miserable. I had every possible side effect and then some – cramps, vomiting, spots all over my body – it was the most difficult thing I had ever gone through. I lived on my bathroom floor for almost two weeks. I had no idea what was waiting for me back then when I changed meds but I do now and that makes it 100 times worse.

The anticipation of how bad it might be is stressing me out. I had moments, then, when I felt like giving up. I was living alone then and…and there wasn't anyone really depending on me so it was okay to feel weak or sad. But I have a boyfriend now and I…" Her eyes welled with tears. "I don't want him to see me covered in purple spots. It's vain, I know but I don't…..I don't like too many reminders that I'm sick."

There was a murmur of assent in the group. For so many of them they had already travelled the same path or knew that it was waiting for them. Robin's words rang true with them and she took strength from their understanding.

"Most of all though," she continued, "it just really pisses me off. I hate this fucking virus. I hate it. It controls so much of my life already and the idea that I have to give up another two or three weeks to it so my viral load can go back in its box makes me so mad! I don't have two or three weeks to give up – I don't have time to waste." Her hand trembled as she reached for her glass and took another drink of juice. "I don't want to do this" she said plaintively. "Any of it. I don't want to do it but I'm going to and I know I'm going to make it through because I'm looking at a room filled with people who have already been there."

Her voice hitched as her throat thickened with tears she swallowed down. Asking for help was hard. And she wasn't very good at it but she knew she needed it and though she couldn't bring herself to ask for it from the people she loved, she could ask here.

"I am very grateful for the example you all have set" she told them tearfully, sniffling as she did so. Taking a breath she wrapped her fingers around her necklace, rubbing the heart between her thumb and forefinger. "And as much as I hate this, I believe I'm going to be okay."


	102. Chapter 109

**Chapter 109**

Hold out your heart and on it let the sun shine down

Having pulled the navy cashmere turtleneck over his head, Patrick threaded his belt through the loops and grimaced to himself as he moved it two spaces back from where he normally did it up. He briefly considered going on a binge of potatoes, beer and pizza for a few weeks in hopes that it would put on a few much needed pounds but dismissed it. The weight would come back as would his hair and his speech. All he needed was a little patience. Something that had never been his strong suit.

Walking out to the kitchen he paused at the doorway and watched his father using a glass to cut out rounds from dough on the kitchen table. His lips curved upwards in a smile as he noticed the look of intense concentration on Noah's face.

"Wh-what you doing?" he asked as he came through.

With a sheepish look on his face, Noah gave a small shrug of his shoulders. "Well as the smell of the chilli you made started to work its way through the house I remembered that your mom used to make cornbread biscuits. I went down to the basement and rifled through some stuff and found the recipe. I thought maybe you and Robin would like them."

"Th-thanks."

As Robin had left early that morning for Port Charles Patrick had been struck by the desire to create a date night for her. Knowing that she was struggling with something and not willing to share it with him had shaken him. As the first flash of anger had dispersed he was left wanting to do something special for her. Though he wanted to take her into town, wining and dining her, he had neither the strength nor the stamina for such an outing. With Noah's help he had made a pot of chilli and set up the living room. Noah had promised to make himself scarce for a few hours so they could just be with each other.

Noah cast a critical look over his son and nodded his approval. "You're looking better. There's some colour to your cheeks and you've actually got some hair growing in"

He ran his hand over the prickly stubble of his head and sighed quietly. It was a silly, shallow thing to be upset about given everything he had come through but he missed his hair. It was jarring to look in the mirror and see a shaved head - his reflection didn't seem familiar at all. There were moments he wondered if he was living in some kind of alternate reality and all he had to do was wake up and he would be back in the apartment with his girlfriend.

"Not g-good bald" he stated.

"Meh" Noah shrugged. "It makes you look tougher." He laughed as his son rolled his eyes in response. "Okay, the biscuits are good to go. 15 minutes in the oven when you're ready and everything is all set. I'm just going to run upstairs and change and I'll be out of your hair." He paused. "Or not as the case may be."

Groaning, Patrick pulled his pen from his back pocket and tossed it at his father who beat a hasty retreat from the kitchen.

At the stove he stirred the chilli and smiled to himself. It wasn't fine dining and not the stuff of grand romantic legends but it was something he had managed to do himself. And that small reclamation of his independence did more for his spirit than anything else could. Sliding the lid on the pot, he walked back to the living room and started to light the candles that Noah had helped him to place around the room.

When he was 15 they had come up to house one weekend in February and got caught in a severe snowstorm that had knocked out the power. Noah kept the house heated with the gas stove in the kitchen and the fireplace in the living room. Mattie had unearthed every available candle in the house and set them up in the living room. As the day had given way to night, the room took on an almost magical glow with all the candles and the image had stuck with Patrick. There was no snowstorm this time around but he was hoping there was a little magic left in the candles.

"Something smells really good!" Robin called as she came through the back door. Dropping her bag she walked through the kitchen and into the living room, coming to a stop as she saw all the candles. "Wow" she said softly.

Chewing nervously on the inside of his cheek, Patrick smiled shyly. "Hi" he greeted her. "M-m-missed you."

Her eyes widened in surprise. "This...this is for me?" He nodded. Robin crossed the room to where he stood and slid her hands around her waist. "It's nice to be missed" she told him kindly.

Slipping his finger underneath her chin, he tipped her face upwards and slowly lowered his mouth to hers, finally closing his lips over hers in a whispered kiss. Rising up on her tiptoes, Robin cupped the back of his head and deepened the kiss.

"A girl could get used to greetings like that" She swept her hand across his chest. "And you're dressed in real clothes. - I forgot how well you wear clothes."

He waggled his eyebrows as he slid his arms around her hips and cupped her behind, pulling her closer to him. "You....okay?" he asked.

Robin smiled. "I am. It was good for me to go and I'm happy to be back."

"H-hungwy?" he asked.

A small look of panic crossed her face but she covered as best she could. While the food smelled appetizing she doubted her ability to eat it and keep it down. The plane ride back from Port Charles had her munching down on a full sleeve of crackers and two cans of gingerale in an effort to settle her stomach. But looking around the room and seeing the effort he had made she knew she needed to try.

"Yes" she replied with a grin she did not quite feel. "I'm just going to change -give me two minutes?"

He nodded and watched her appreciatively as she walked down the hallway to the bedroom.

xxxxx  
Alone in the bedroom, Robin rifled through her drawer until she found what she was looking for - two tablets of dramamine. She swallowed them down hoping they would do the trick and get her through dinner. She was tired from the emotion of the day but seeing Patrick dressed in jeans and a sweater rather than his uniform of sweatpants and a t-shirt, looking more like himself, allowed her to believe that the worst might truly be behind them. He was recovering and she was getting her viral load back on track - it was going to be fine. Pulling off her bulky sweater, she reached for a cardigan and slipped it on over her tank top, quickly doing up the buttons as she headed back to the living room.

Patrick had set two heaping bowls of chilli and a small plate of biscuits so fresh from the oven that she could see the steam rising into the air on the coffee table and was sitting on the floor waiting for her. Robin smiled happily as she took a seat on the cushion next to him. He passed the white board to her.

_I remember some lazy days at the apartment, hanging out on the couch doing nothing but just being together and I was hoping we could do the same thing tonight. Just be the two of us. _

Placing the white board down, she reached up and brushed her lips against his ear. "I love it when it's just the two of us" she whispered sending shivers through his body. Feeling his hand slip underneath her sweater and then her tanktop and run the length of her back, she arched into him. "God, I love you hands"

"Hands l-l-love you" he replied with a wink before seizing her lips in a wet, wanton kiss. As their tongues tangled around each other's, Robin's hands flew to his hair encouraging him to kiss her harder, deeper. Moving his hand around to the front, he trailed his fingertips along her taut abdomen and upwards until he was kneading her breast, dragging his thumb along her nipple.

"Patrick" she panted as he moved to her neck, the faintest hint of stubble scratching her soft skin. "Dinner.....it's going to get cold."

He pulled away from her long enough to push the coffee table back. Tugging on the sleeves of her cardigan, he pulled it from her and casually tossed it to the side. He laid her against the floor and pressed himself against her. Robin parted her legs, allowing him to settle between them as her hands burrowed under his sweater, stroking his soft skin. He moaned as he kissed her shoulder, the vibrations moving straight from her centre to her fingertips and toes. Her nipples puckered and hardened through the soft cotton of her tanktop. She panted and her chest heaved as Patrick closed his mouth around the hardened peak and sucked it through her tanktop. Their hips began to rock together in unison as they explored each other with a fervent need.

Patrick's sweater joined hers on the arm of the couch and then her tanktop was added. The heat from the fire was increased by the heat between them. She arched into his as he covered her breast with his hand, massaging it, rolling the nipple between his fingertips. He repeated his ministrations on the other breast and she was sure she was going to jump out of her skin as he drove to the edge.

Desperate to regain some control, she gently pushed him off of her and onto to his back. Straddling his legs, she stretched out against him, peppering his chest with tiny kisses. She ran her tongue along the outline of his tattoo, smiling to herself as his hips came off the floor and pressed further against her. He slipped a hand inside her jeans and his fingers danced teasingly along her hip. They both knew they were getting to the point of no return and with enormous reluctance Robin rolled off of him, panting and laid beside him. Patrick groaned in protest at the loss of contact and turning on his side, stroked her cheek.

Robin kissed his palm and smiled hazily. "Soon" she said, "very soon we're going to able to be together completely and it's going to be amazing."

With his speech once again tied up in notes, he reached for the board and wrote:

_There's no reason why I can't take you there now_

Propping up on her elbow, she smiled lovingly at him. "You can take me there with just the sound of your voice most days" she told him, "but Patrick I'm not interested in just getting off. I don't have words to describe how amazing I feel when we're moving together, when you're buried deep inside me and I can feel every twitch and tremble - when we're both going to the same place. So if it's okay with you, I'll wait until we can get there together."

Patrick shook his head in wonder. Every time he was sure he had her figured out she would surprise him yet again. "Am-mazing" he said, "you - amazing"

Robin kissed him softly, revelling in their connection. "I think our dinner has gone cold" she chuckled softly as she let go of his lips.

"Oh well" he laughed. Reaching for her he gathered her in his arms and hugged her tightly. "Love you" he whispered against her ear. "Much"

xxxxx  
After reheating their dinner and watching a movie they tumbled exhaustedly into bed. Still having difficulty sleeping through the night, Patrick woke up and stared at the ceiling. There were flashes of memories that taunted him yet nothing he could grab hold of. He dreamed about playing pool and dancing at Jake's but was at a loss to determine if they were flashbacks, older memories or simply hints of what he'd like to do once he got home. Disappointed with the lack of progress his memory was making relative to everything else and knowing there would be no sleep for a while now, he gently pushed back the covers and padded out to the kitchen in search of a glass of water and some perspective.

Blindly reaching for the light switch he jumped as the kitchen lit up. Seated at the table, with two shoe boxes stuffed with papers was his father. Lost in deep thought, he stared unblinkingly straight ahead. Following his gaze, Patrick clenched his jaw as he saw the bottle of Bourbon on the table.

"Dad?" he called tightly.

Slowly turning his head, his eyes rimmed red and his bottom lip quivering he looked quickly at his son and then looked away.

Rage ripped through Patrick as so many painfully memories flooded his brain. Stalking across the kitchen he picked up the unopened bottle and hurled it across the room. It shattered as it hit the wall with shards of glass flying everywhere. The dark amber liquid bled down the wall into a puddle on the floor.

"ASSHOLE" Patrick hissed.


	103. Chapter 110

**Chapter 110**

Alone in this place with a lifetime to trace

"ASSHOLE!" Patrick hissed.

Shaken from memories, Noah jumped from his chair. "It...it wasn't opened" he told him quickly, approaching his distressed son. "I'm sorry Patrick - I....found the bottle as I was cleaning up in the basement. It wasn't opened."

"ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE!" he yelled, moving away from his father. Backing in to a chair behind him, he curled his fingers around the arm of it and hurled it across the kitchen with all his strength. Tears of anger streamed down his face.

In that moment he had seen him staring at the bottle, years of memories engulfed him. All the pain and the anger and the betrayal roared to the surface and he was blind with rage. His father had failed him in the past, had failed himself and most offensively had failed the memory of his wife and the idea that he was travelling back down this path was outrageous.

"Patty please listen to me" Noah said, getting closer to him. He put a hand on his shoulder, wincing at the force his son used to push it away.

"NO!" he shouted, kicking at the shards of glass as he bounded angrily around the kitchen. Picking up a bowl he sent it sailing to the floor glaring at his father as he did so.

"I didn't have a drink!" Noah protested in vain. "I...I was tempted but I didn't drink! Please - Patty you need to calm down."

He trembled with fury as the smell of Bourbon wafted through the kitchen invading his nostrils with its sharp bitter scent. It smelled like 100 different nights - of times he pulled his father out of a bar, or found him passed out on the couch. It smelled like the past coming back to haunt him. It smelled like his family falling apart all over again. He stumbled out of his father's reach once again and picking up one of the boxes on the table, hurled it at him. Papers floated to the ground, unfolding as they fell.

"Patty, please" he begged, his hazel eyes filling with tears.

He had found the bottle, just as he said, and brought it up to the kitchen to throw it out but the minute he sat it down on the table he could feel it calling to him. He didn't want to give into it, he didn't want to be weak but he had been afraid to touch it again; afraid that he would open it and guzzle it down.

"HATE!" Patrick yelled.

"What the hell is going on?" Robin asked surveying the chaos in the kitchen.

Both men turned to the entrance and stared at her. She had pulled her long hair into a low ponytail and she wiped the sleep from her eyes as she came through the door. The papers, broken glass and overturned chair all lay in shambles on the ceramic floor. Noah looked as though he had been shadow boxing with a ghost and lost. Patrick looked as though he was ready to jump out of his skin. He was pacing like a caged animal and as she moved towards him, he held up his hand and gave her a warning look.

"I wasn't going to drink it" Noah said to Robin, "I was just waiting until I was strong enough to throw it out."

"It's okay Noah" she reassured him softly.

"LIAR!" Patrick brought his fist down on the marble counter and glared furiously at his father.

"Patrick" he pleaded once again. "I love you. You have to believe m-"

Patrick grabbed him by the front of his shirt and demonstrating suprising strength, shoved him against the wall. "Shut up!" he demanded. "Shut up!" His fist was raised, poised to be unleashed. Noah's hands were in front of his face braced for what was to come.

As memories of that awful morning in Kelly's flashed in her head Robin sprinted to the far side of the kitchen and tried to pull Patrick's arms away from his father. "Patrick don't do this. Let him go!" Her voice was steady but authoritative. "Don't do this - not again."

Her words rang in his ears and he reluctantly dropped his hand, turning towards her. "A-g-gain?" he asked in confusion.

"Just step back, okay?" she asked kindly, her hands still wrapped around his arms. "Just let go."

His head pounded and there were silver dots appearing before his eyes. Clenching his eyes shut, he shook his head trying to clear it all away. Opening his eyes he looked from his father to Robin and back again. He let go of Noah's shirt and shuffled back several steps, letting him go.

"I am so sorry" Noah offered once again.

Reaching out with her hand, she gave Noah's arm a small squeeze. "Noah, I think....why don't you...." She paused, unsure how to order her boyfriend's father to get out of the kitchen.

"I'm going upstairs" he whispered, his eyes filled past the brim with tears.

Her heart ached as she watched him leave. She had seen addiction first hand and knew the struggle was an every day thing. She also knew, perhaps in way that Patrick currently did not, that Noah's sobriety meant everything to him. He had said over and over again that he was going to be by his son's side through all of it and in order to do that he had to stay sober.

Patrick slumped against the kitchen table, cradling his head in his hands. He wanted to run. It didn't matter to where just so long as it was as far from here as he could get.

"Patrick" Robin called gently to him. "Patrick talk to me."

Lifting his head, he glowered at her. Even if he could talk about it, he didn't want to. He didn't want to rehash it - he wanted to get away and forget about all of it.

"I'm sorry" she apologized, realizing what she had said.

She cupped his cheek and looked at him in shock as he pulled away from her. She really shouldn't have been surprised, this was Patrick's way. When he was sad or angry or hurt he wanted to hide; he hated people seeing his vulnerability or knowing just how upset something made him. He had been so open since his surgery that she had almost forgotten about this part of his personality but it had come roaring back.

Undeterred, she smiled softly at him. "You're not alone in this," she told him.

Shaking his head, he rose to his feet and kicked at the papers still strewn so haphazardly on the floor. He didn't want to be touched or comforted, he just wanted to be left alone.

Inhaling sharply, Robin ducked out of the kitchen and padded quickly down the hall to the bedroom. She returned a minute later with the dry erase board and a marker in her hand. "Tell me how you're feeling" she encouraged as she passed the board to him.

He rolled his eyes and scribbled quickly. _I don't want to talk about it. Just drop it, would you?_

"I'm not dropping it. Patrick - you can't let this bottle up inside you."

_Why not? Everything else is. I have volumes of conversation stuck in my head with no way to get out. Why should this be different? _

She swallowed a groan not having fully appreciated, until that moment, some of the affects the aphasia on him. "Patrick" she sighed softly, "I know this is hard - I know - but you have to trust me. We can get through this and you and your dad will make it up."

_Stop trying to fix what isn't yours to fix._ He wrote his warning clear.

Her memories of the last time she tried to help heal the breach between father and son were very clear but they had come so far since then and there was so much more at stake this time. "I'm not trying to fix this" she clarified, "but I think you'll feel better if you talk about it. Your dad is struggling Patrick - this has been really hard on him but you can't give up on him - not yet."

His brown eyes blazed furiously. If he were calmer, if he could see things clearly then he would have known she was right. But that simply wasn't possible, there was no way to break through the noise in his head.

_If you like him so much, let him be your father. I'm done._

"That's not what I meant" she said quietly, crossing the room towards him. "I just think if the two of you can talk about it-"

The words died on her lips as, lifting his knee, he broke the dry erase board across it and let it drop to the floor. Brushing past her, he grabbed the winter coat hanging on the back of the door and slipped it on. Pushing open the door, he stepped out into the cool night air.

"Patrick! Where are you going?" Panic was begining to sweep through her and as worried as she was for his emotional health, she was more worried for his physical health and didn't want him doing anything to undo all the progress that had been made.

"Out" he said looking at her over his shoulder before disappearing quickly into the darkness.

Robin stared after him before tiredly rubbing her hands over her face. Just when she thought they had turned a corner she discovered it was a u-turn.


	104. Chapter 111

**Chapter 111**

Tears for sad consequences  
Tears for mistakes

Robin stared at the kitchen door for several minutes, waiting and wishing for Patrick to walk back through. As five minutes gave way to ten and ten gave way to 20, she realized he wasn't going to come back until he had calmed down. Given the depth of his anger she was at a loss to even guess at how long that would be.

Her instinct was to go after to him; to wrap her arms around him and hold him so close that he would have no option but to be still and breathe. But he wasn't looking for comfort right now and she feared it would only make the situation worse. Not to mention there was a part of her wondering if he had been looking for a reason to explode, if he had been holding on to all his anger and frustration and at the first possible opportunity, chose to let it all out.

As she moved about the kitchen picking up the shards of glass and the papers scattered all over the floor, she heaved a heavy sigh. Any idea she had about sharing the news of her rising viral load with Patrick was now on indefinite hold. She was less worried about any anger he would have towards her and more worried about what the stress of that knowledge would do to his recovery.

Her curiosity got the better of her and she glanced at the papers in her hand. She immediately recognized the stilted scrawl of Noah's handwriting – it was yet another trait he and his son shared. Other papers showed a flowing loopy handwriting and there was little doubt in her mind that it was Mattie's. Reading the first page that was opened to her, she swallowed thickly. They were love letters. It was little wonder why he had sat staring at the bottle of bourbon. The heart can't forget even if the mind does and all those remembrances of a past golden age would shake anyone to their core.

Having carefully folded the letters, she picked up the box and gently placed the precious papers inside. There would be a time, she was sure, when Patrick would treasure those mementos and she wanted to ensure they were still around when he was ready for them. She pushed the box to the far end of the table and headed upstairs.

Standing outside the bedroom, she rapped lightly on the doorframe and gave Noah a sympathetic smile as he looked up.

"Your packing?" she asked him in surprise as he folded his shirts and placed them neatly inside his suitcase.

"I'm…I'm doing more harm than good. Patrick's recovery is paramount" He continued to move quickly between his closet and the bed where his bag laid open.

Robin stepped tentatively inside the room. Her eyes were immediately drawn to the corner of an inflatable mattress poking out from the other side of the bed. In an instant she grasped just how difficult this return had been for him.

"Is that where you sleep?" She jerked her head in the direction of the mattress.

Noah followed her gaze and looking back at her gave a small shrug. "Yes."

"Why?"

Sighing, he ran a hand over his face and prayed for grace he did not feel. "Because it's too hard to lie in the bed I used to share with my wife. Because if I slept in the bed I would reach for her and I have enough reminders that she's gone, I don't need more."

Robin grimaced. "Does Patrick know?"

He shook his head. "No. And I don't think there's any value in him knowing. Did he go back to bed?" Noah busied himself carefully making perfect corners with his sweater.

"He left" she replied simply.

Noah jerked his head up and looked at her in shock. "Left? Left where?"

"I don't know" she said quietly. "He stormed out of the kitchen and told me he was going out. I assume he's gone for a walk."

Sinking on to the bed Noah let out a long breath. "He's probably gone to the studio. His two favourite places here are the beach and the studio."

Crossing the floor, Robin sat down beside him. "I didn't realize he was still so angry towards you."

Noah scoffed lightly. "Let's not pretend it came out of nowhere. He found me sitting with a bottle in front of me. He has a right to that anger – he's earned that anger."

Robin's tongue darted from her mouth, swiping at her lips. "You said the bottle wasn't open."

"It wasn't."

"Were you….were you going to open it?"

Turning to look at her, he shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know" he admitted honestly. "In that minute no, I wasn't going to but who's to say what I would have done five minutes later or ten."

"I really don't think you should leave" she told him. "You and Patrick have to stop looking for the nearest exit when things get tough" Her tone was kind but firm. "You two need to work it out."

"Robin, this isn't about me not loaning him the car when he was 16. This is about me disappearing from his life when he needed me most. And it's worth pointing out that I wasn't off saving the world – I was being selfish."

"Realizing your parents are human is a difficult concept to grasp" she offered. "And it means that once and for all your childhood is really over."

"There are things that cannot be forgiven" he answered softly. "No matter how much both parties want to."

Robin was silent for a moment as she considered her own experiences. Both of her parents had been believed dead for a number of years and she had run the gamut of emotions when they reappeared in her life. But at the core of all of it she wanted them in her life. Being loved by her parents, however imperfect and problematic it could be at times was far better than not having them around.

"Not that you've asked me but if it were me, I wouldn't leave" she told him when she finally spoke. "Unless being here is harder for you than you are willing to admit. You had a moment of weakness Noah, we all do – some of us several times a day. Patrick can only punish you for as long as you punish yourself. Maybe it's time you both stop."

He smiled wryly as he thought back to the letter his son had written to him prior to his surgery. His words of forgiveness had been a balm on his wounds and had allowed him to face everything that followed with a certain strength. When Robin had been struggling with Patrick's memory loss he had reassured her that it didn't matter if Patrick remembered what he had written in his letter to him; it didn't make it any less true. He was beginning to have a sneaking suspicion that he might be wrong.

"I don't want to make things worse for him" he said quietly, staring down at his shoes.

"I know. You're a good father Noah and whether Patrick knows it or not, he is lucky to have you. But if you leave I think you're doing exactly what he expects you to do. If you stay, you'll show him that you mean what you say about being here for him."

Glancing up at her, he shook his head in amazement. "You're pretty smart you know."

"I do" she replied with a grin as she rose to her feet. "Besides, I'm just repaying the favour you did for me in the hospital. You've been a rock for him since you found out about his diagnosis. It's been a difficult and trying time and as a very wise friend said to me a while ago 'it's pace not a race and we have a long road ahead of us'."

xxxxx  
Stumbling through the door of the studio, Patrick fumbled against the wall looking for the light switch. Finally feeling it against his fingers, he flipped it on and gasped for breath as the small studio was illuminated. He had sprinted the entire distance from the house to the small cottage, lurching and slipping along the snowy path. He would have run further if he could have but he was exhausted by the time the building had come into sight.

He flopped into the rocking chair and stared out at the moonlight skipping across the water. Taking one deep breath after another he tried to steady his hammering heart. The irony in all of this was that he had never been a strong communicator before Robin; he had never been one to talk about his feelings much. The only place he had ever really expressed himself had been at Al-Anon and even then it took him more than six months of meetings before he finally spoke up. Now, his head was a jumble of emotions and he needed to talk about it but he couldn't.

As his anger dissipated and he started to rock in the chair, comforted by the creak of the old floorboards underneath, he could finally hear some of things his father had said. The bottle had been unopened, he hadn't had a drink, he had found the bottle, not bought it.

If he hadn't heard those excuses and any variation on them multiple times he would have been more inclined to believe him. But the fact remained he and his father had had arguments like that one over and over again through the years. This wasn't something new for him and the idea of reliving it at all nearly turned his stomach.

Shoving his hands in the jacket pocket to warm them up, he scrunched up his face as his left hand encountered an envelope. Withdrawing the envelope from the pocket, he was surprised to see his handwriting on it and it addressed to his father. Looking at the sleeve of the coat, he realized in his haste to get out of the house he had grabbed his father's jacket.

He looked curiously at the white envelope with its frayed corners and reaching inside, pulled out folded paper. His mouth dropped open as he read.

_Dear Dad -_

If you're reading this then it means that I'm in surgery.

I have had a lot of time to reflect on my life in the last few weeks and as I've become progressively weaker I've been thinking a lot about Mom and you. Mom must have been very scared towards the end because I know I am. I would give almost anything to never have experienced this. As bad as the pain has been, it's the possibility of dying before I'm ready that really hurts. Though it probably sounds weird there is a small part of me that is grateful for this because it's allowed me to finally get some perspective on my life.

I love the pictures you brought - we really had some good times as a family, didn't we? I look at those pictures and I remember how happy we were. I was definitely a spoiled kid whose parents were indulgent and loving. And I understand now how devastating Mom's illness must have been on you. For so many years I've only been able to think about the impact of her illness and death on me. I was quite belligerent with you about your selfishness and your inability to see anyone else's pain, how little did I realize that I was doing the same thing. My grief was all consuming and I didn't think it was possible that anyone could feel as empty and sad as I did. You must have, especially towards the end when she was so sick, felt very alone. I was a self-centered teenager who couldn't see beyond himself and for that I am truly sorry. I wish I had been a better son to you then.

I've also done a lot of thinking about forgiveness and what it means and whether it makes a difference. For a long time I've withheld my forgiveness from you because I was trying to punish you. I wanted you to feel as badly as I did - what I didn't realize was that the pain you were in far exceeded anything I could inflict on you. The thing I've discovered is that by doing that I've only made the weight I'm carrying heavier and the person truly being punished here is me. So I've decided to put the weight down - I'm not going to carry it any longer.

I forgive you.

During the last couple of times you visited, you made a point of telling me how much I'm like Mom - how similar our personalities are and I can see that. But I'd like to think that I'm also a little like you because Dad, you are a good guy. A lot of who I am as a man is based on growing up with you and given that it has led me to Robin, I'm grateful.

I want to thank you for so many things - playing catch in the backyard, Saturdays at the racetrack, movie days, teaching me how to shoot the perfect wrist shot. But mostly I want to thank for not giving up on me even when I begged and yelled at you to do so. You'll never know how much your visits, your reassurances and the reminders that you love me, meant.

I'm not sure what's waiting for me on the other side of surgery and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little afraid. But I want you to know that I love you and I am glad that you are my Dad. No kid could have asked for better.

Love,

Patrick.

He swallowed down the acrid lump that had formed in his throat and blinked away the tears that seemingly appeared out of nowhere. His hands trembled as he held the letter and sucking in a breath he stared back out the window at the beach. A series of images flashed before him: him crumpled on the floor of a bathroom in a suit with his father cradling his head in his lap, a Christmas party and his father embracing him warmly, a collage of photos and his fist landing blow after blow on Noah's face.

He started to pant breathlessly as the moments started to pile one on top of the other and though he didn't understand their context, he was suddenly aware that things had been very complicated prior to his surgery. Robin's words about 'doing this again' seemed to make more sense than they had when she said them.

His hands frantically dove back into the jacket pockets rooting around for any other clues of the last six months that might be hiding in there. Disappointed that there were none, he picked up the letter again and read it for a second time. Tears trickled over his cheeks as he did so. His last thoughts of his father before surgery had been of love and forgiveness Had he meant it or was it the romantic last gasp of a dying man? What were his last thoughts of Robin? What else had happened?

His heart continued to pound inside his chest and he suddenly felt like he was drowning. He had never been more unsure of himself in his whole life than he was right now.


	105. Chapter 112

**Chapter 112**

Well I have been swimming the seven sad seas

"Exactly how long do you plan to hide out in here?"

As the screen door slammed shut, Patrick looked up with a modestly grateful smile on his lips. "Sm-smitty" Seeing his friend's telltale navy scrubs peeking out from under his coat, he raised his eyebrows.

"Your text said it was urgent" he offered in explanation. "And I was on my way home so I just hopped in the car and came here."

Crossing the room he sat on the ledge of the window sill and sighed silently as he looked at his friend. The look on his face was one he knew well and had not expected to see again; it was a mixture of anger, sadness and confusion and one he had seen every time Patrick had interacted with his father when he was drinking. Though Patrick told everyone at the time that he had written his father off and he wanted nothing further to do with him, only Eric knew differently. He was the one in whom Patrick would confide his hope that his father would get sober, that one day he would realize his living son was as important as his dead wife and he would try. When it seemed that those moments were never coming Patrick's frustration would overwhelmingly rise up inside him and he would fall silent, unable to express himself.

One night after Patrick had had a particularly bad weekend with his father Eric had come off shift to find his roommate pounding the stuffing out of a heavy bag he had installed in the den. It became his release and his way of coping with the disappointment and the continual dashing of his hopes. When Eric got his text telling him that he needed him and a pair of boxing gloves he knew things had gone off the rails.

Reaching into the bag, he pulled out a pair of battered red gloves and tossed them to him. Patrick smirked as he caught them.

"You said you needed them" Eric reminded him.

"Was kidding."

"I know" he said kindly. "But just the same, you never know when they might come in handy."

Leaning back in the chair he stared out at the moonlight snow and ran his hand over his stubbly hair. Inhaling sharply, he turned his gaze back to his friend.

"Am…con-confused."

"About what?"

He rolled his eyes at the inanity of the question. "All of it." He thrust the letter into Eric's hands and nodded his head for him to read it.

Eric felt his own eyes mist over as he read the heartfelt letter. He knew what Patrick's state of mind had been when he wrote it, how scared he was of dying and he also knew how much Noah had done to support him. In that moment he was incredibly proud of his friend at how far he had come from nights spent shadow boxing with disillusionment. Looking up from the letter he gave him a small smile.

"I bet that letter means the world to your dad."

He opened his mouth to speak but found his tongue tripped over the words. Shutting it again and closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and took a second try. "Why…did I ... write it?" he asked haltingly.

"Because you thought you were going to die" he answered simply. "You were sure of it."

His rich brown eyes shimmered with the tears that appeared suddenly and he angrily swiped at them. "Have…have become a cry baby."

Eric smiled sympathetically knowing how much his friend hated other people to see him upset. "Nah" he reassured him. "You know that emotions are heightened and a little off kilter after neurosurgery. I poked around there enough that I probably hit your cry centre" he teased lightly.

"How bad was I?"

Leaning back against the window Eric pulled on his bottom lip and contemplated how to answer the question. After receiving Patrick's text, he had called Robin to ask what exactly was going on. She had filled him in on the details and he told her that he was going to see Patrick and bring his chart with him. He had told her that while it was still critical that they follow the accepted protocol for dealing with short term amnesia, it was time to relieve some of his worry. Much of his panic and reaction was being formed by the lack of context for everything else and Eric felt that if he could at least read his chart and see how advanced the disease had been he might be able, on his own, to suss out some of the impact it had had on others. Robin had agreed but only after extracting a promise that Eric would not tell him that he had left her. In her opinion he was not ready to handle that information and she wanted him to hear it from her when the time was right.

"Bad" he finally answered. "Really bad."

He blanched at the admission but felt a wave of gratitude at the same time; it was another piece of the puzzle for him. "I b-bad too?" he asked nervously, his tongue getting fat in his mouth.

Eric shook his head. Reaching again into his bag he pulled out a large brown folder and passed it to him. "It's your chart" he said, "and I thought maybe you'd want to read it. I can stick around....in case you have questions."

His hands trembled slightly as he took the folder in his hands. Just seeing his name on the top of the folder was jarring. It wasn't that he didn't know he was a patient, it was his frame of reference for it was so small and the thickness of the folder told him that the reality was much bigger. With equal parts trepidation and curiosity he opened it and scanned the summary sheet in front. A cold sweat trickled down his back as he read the rate of growth of his tumour. In an instant he could list a myriad of symptoms he would have experienced - mood swings, violent seizures and confusion.

Flipping through the next couple of pages he tried to read as much as he could but was unable to absorb most of it, it was simply too overwhelming to take in. Seeing the order for the feeding tube, his head snapped up and he stared at Eric in shock.

"What is it Pantsy?"

He was battling his own nerves as his friend read through the chart. Though he would never admit it out loud, he considered Patrick to be a better doctor. He was more adventurous, a bigger risk taker and much more creative with treatment options. He worried that his friend would read his chart and feel let down, that he would think he had not done enough for him. And if asked why he didn't do more, he had no idea what he would say.

"T-t-tube?"

"Yeah" he sighed quietly, remembering vividly the day he had it inserted.

Due to the chemotherapy his appetite was unable to keep any food down and weight was falling off of him. It had been moment Eric was dreading but at the same time knew there was no other option. He had not trusted himself to install the tube - it was all too reminiscent of his own experience with chemo - he asked his resident to do it. When Patrick emerged from the exam room with the end of the tube poking from his nose he had bit down on his cheek to keep from crying. His vibrant, larger than life friend looked small and near death in the wheelchair.

Patrick closed the file and clenched his eyes shut. It was so much worse than he had imagined it would be. Opening them again he sighed heavily and rubbed his hand over his face.

"Did your Dad take a drink?" he prodded gently.

He shook his head.

"Did you see him with one?"

He nodded.

"Dude, I'm sorry. That's hard."

"Made...made me mad" he stammered exhaustedly. "Think...thought I hated him. Now...confused."

Sliding from the window sill to the floor, Eric pulled his long legs to his chest and picked at the rubber sole of his boot. It was a tricky thing to offer advice, some people needed it whether they wanted it or not but there were moments where you had to leave them be. He looked back at Patrick and thought, for better or for worse, this was not a time to let him be.

"Your Dad was solid for you during all of this - and I'm not telling you that so you dismiss how you feel about him and seeing him with a drink - I'm just letting you know that there were lots of times where he could have slipped or walked away, there were lots of times you pushed him away - but he wouldn't be moved from your side. He was there for you. And in reading your letter to him I'm struck by the realization you made in it - that by not forgiving him you were the one carrying the burden of that and you were ready to set it down."

"Don't remember" he answered tightly.

"I know" He was grateful for the darkness as a pained looked crossed his face. There was a part of him that still believed he had failed his friend when he needed him most. "But you know it's true" he challenged. "You may not remember telling him but in your heart you know it - and I think it's why you're so confused now. You built something really special with your Dad through this and you shouldn't let it go so easily."

Patrick blinked away the stubborn tears that seemed to reappear at will. There was an enormous, unexpected comfort in hearing that his father was by his side, even if he didn't remember it. As his bones began to throb with fatigue, he signalled to his friend for a pen and paper - he was too weary to try and speak again.

Fishing through his bag Eric pulled out a pad and a pen and passed them to him.

_I'm trapped in my head._

"I know" he whispered. "But you have to keep fighting Pat - for your speech and for your memories. Keep working at it and it will come."

_Hard to tell my Dad or Robin how I'm feeling. Sometimes they act like I'm a child._

"They're scared - they nearly lost you. But if you want to tell them how you're feeling - maybe you should start a conversation and see where it takes you."

Patrick gave him a doubtful look.

"It's time to get off the mat Pantsy. Start asking for what you need." He rose to his feet and dusted off his scrubs pants. "Let me walk you back to the house because I'm pretty sure Robin is going to send out a St. Bernard if we don't head back."

Patrick smirked as he shrugged on the jacket. He took the letter and carefully refolded it, putting it back in pocket. "Staying?" he asked as their feet crunched over snow.

"Yeah" he answered. "I'm just going to crash on your couch - it's a little late for me to head back. Besides, we can look some more at your chart tomorrow if you want."

Patrick paused on the step and looking through the door saw Robin at the table distractedly reading a magazine. As the door swung open, her head shot up and she slowly turned around in her seat. She stayed in the chair, her muscles coiled, like an animal ready to pounce. She wanted to run into his arms but she needed for him to make the first move, to let her know it was okay.

She needn't have worried. He was barely through the door before he held out his hand to her. She bounded from the chair and ran to him. He closed his arms around her, hugging her tightly. She could feel his body shivering as she wrapped her arms around him and knew it wasn't from the cold. He pressed his lips to the soft patch of skin just beneath her ear.

"Love you" he whispered.


	106. Chapter 113

**Chapter 113**

And all my instincts, they return

As the emotional exhaustion had taken its toll, Robin had taken by the hand and led him back to the bedroom. She had stripped off his shirt and as she had handed him a new one, he had shaken his head; he didn't want there to be barriers between them. He had pulled back the covers and as she crawled into bed with him, he had tugged off her shirt and pulled her flushed to him. He wanted to - he needed to - feel her skin against his. They had kissed lazily before giving into the circling slumber.

He had not been asleep for long when thoughts of his father, his tumour and his behaviour woke him up. In reading his chart he was stunned at how sick he had been prior to his surgery and could not decide if it was a good thing or a bad thing that he had no memory of it. Without needing anyone's confirmation he knew he had been clumsy and inelegant during it all – it was who he was. When he was scared he could always be counted on to lash out at the people closest to him. As he drew languid patterns against Robin's skin with his fingertips, he looked down at her with curiosity and concern. In what ways had he exercised his fear and frustration on her? He knew she was keeping a secret from him but he didn't know what exactly and while he was tempted to confront her, what he really wanted was for her to tell him on her own. He wanted her to stop seeing him as a patient and trust him as her boyfriend with whatever she was holding back.

Looking over at the nightstand he could see the frayed edges of the envelope holding the letter to his father. Eric was right, he had no memory of writing the letter but on some level he knew even now that he meant it. His reaction to seeing his father with a bottle in front of him was a visceral one and he doubted there would ever be a time that in the same circumstance he would feel differently. But that didn't undo what he told him in his letter.

Exhaling slowly, he gently untangled himself from his girlfriend's warm and inviting body and swung his feet to the floor. He reached for a t-shirt, pulling it over his head and then reached for the letter and a pad of paper. If his father was anything like he was then he would be wide awake and it was time to have a conversation.

Quietly padding down the hallway, he stopped for a moment and smiled at his friend sprawled out on the couch and sleeping heavily. Theirs was a friendship with deep roots and he was incredibly grateful that he had been by his side and on his side through all of it.

He climbed the stairs to the master bedroom and smiled wryly at the light peeking from underneath the door. Rapping gently on it as he pushed it open, he glanced around the room looking for his father; he froze in his spot when he found him.

Noah was seated on the floor on the far side of the bed, reading. His eyes were red rimmed and his bottom lip quivered slightly. Shocked to see Patrick at the door, he sprang to his feet and tried to kick the air mattress out of view as he came around the bed.

"You okay Patrick?" he asked worriedly.

Looking past his father at the mattress covered in blankets, he furrowed his brow in confusion. He looked to the large king sized bed with its unrumpled bedding and perfect hospital corners and then back to the air mattress.

"You…sleep there?" he asked haltingly.

Noah's cheeks burned a deep crimson. He hated his own weakness but more than that he hated his son witnessing it. It was simply one more confirmation for him that he was inadequate. Swallowing thickly, he nodded.

His voice was barely above a whisper when he answered. "Yes"

"Why?"

Noah sank down on the corner of the bed and stared in discomfit at the ground. "Because…because I miss her" he admitted.

Sitting down beside his father, Patrick nodded. "M-m-me too."

Noah blew out his cheeks. "I'm sorry about earlier. I….I really did find the bottle in the basement and….I wasn't…or at least I hadn't when you found me."

Patrick nodded and handed his father the letter. A small gasp inadvertently escaped from the back of his throat. "Wh-where did you find this?"

_Your jacket – which I grabbed by accident_

"Did you read it?" Patrick nodded. "Did it jog any memories?" he asked with a tinge of hopefulness in his voice.

_Not really. _

"Oh" His disappointment was total. If it brought back no memories then the sentiments in the letter would also be foreign to him and that cut him to the quick.

Patrick wrote furiously for several minutes before passing the paper to his father.

_Here's the thing though – I still mean what I wrote even if I don't remember it. You are my Dad, for better or for worse and I don't want to be owned by the past any more. I may not remember much but I do know now that I could not have made it this far, being this sick, without you._

Noah swiped at his eyes and looked over at his son. "Thank you" he whispered.

"M-must be h-hard to be here" he offered.

Smiling gamely, he shrugged. "It's okay."

Patrick slapped the bed in frustration and angrily picked up the pen and pad.

_You need to stop treating me like I'm going to fall apart. I may not be able to speak well but I think just fine. If it's hard for you to be here then I need you to tell me. I need people to start telling me the whole truth. _

Noah's lips curved upwards in a small smile at his son's outburst. That was more like him than anything he had seen in quite some time. Looking his son in the eye, he nodded. "It's much harder than I thought it would be. Normally when I come here, I come for a day or two but I'm alone. Being here with you and reminiscing about how things were…I get very lonely and sometimes very sad."

Patrick sighed quietly. When he had said he wanted to spend some time here recovering, it had never occurred to him that it would be a burden for Noah. He was moved by the knowledge of his father making such a sacrifice for him.

"Th-thank you for telling truth"

"I'm sorry about the bottle Patty," he paused as his tongue swiped at his lips. "I'm sorry about all the bottles."

_You're my dad and I love you_

Noah exhaled slowly and patted his son's cheek. "I did two good things in my life – I married your mother and we had you."

xxxxx

Rolling on to her back Robin stretched and groaned as she woke up. Sweeping her hand on the other side of the bed, she was surprised to find Patrick sitting up. Prying her eyes opened, she did a double take as she realized he was dressed – in a brown sweater and jeans, instead of his usual sweatpants and t-shirt.

"Hi" he greeted her, nipping at her lips.

"You okay?" she asked pulling herself into a sitting position.

He nodded as he passed her a piece of paper. _Do you still have my list?_

Robin's face was immediately framed with worry. "Why?"

"D-do have it?" he asked.

"What do you want it for?" she asked unable to determine if the pitching and rolling of her stomach was due to her meds or his request.

Biting back his frustration he took a deep breath. _Because I want to see it. I want to see what I wrote._

"I'm not sure-"

"I am" he told her as confidently as he could. I want to see the list, he wrote again, I need to see it and I would really appreciate it if you gave it to me.

Uneasily, Robin pushed back the covers and walked across the room to where her purse lay perched on a side table. Fishing out her wallet, she opened it and pulled out the carefully folded paper. She crawled back in to bed and handed it to him.

"Thank you" he said softly as he took it from her. His hands shook a little as he unfolded it, unsure of what it said. He could not help but smile as he saw Robin's familiar handwriting on the title of the list.

_Memories to make with Robin AND Patrick_

Hogmanay in Scotland

See Paris through her eyes

Meet Brenda

Show her my city

Rangers/Devils Game

Spend time in the Hamptons and let her see all the embarrassing childhood photos

One perfect night at the Cabin

One perfect week on a beach in Greece

He scanned each item hoping it would evoke some kind of memory no matter how fuzzy but there were none forthcoming. Holding up the list, he looked at her.

"How many?" he asked.

"How many did we do?" He nodded. "You don't remember any of them?" Her chin quivered as she asked him. His memory loss still had the ability to knock the stuffing out of her when she wasn't looking.

"No"

She smiled a little sadly and pointed to the list. "We did those three before your surgery. And I guess…I guess we're doing the Hamptons one now."

Patrick nodded and quickly jotted a note.

_Thank you for giving it to me. I'm going to go for a walk and I'll be back in a little while._

"Patrick" she began, panic welling up inside her. "Maybe you shouldn't…"

I'm okay he reassured her, I just need some time to think.

He kissed her quickly and rose from the bed. Folding the list, he stuck it in his pocket and reached for his jacket. "Love you" he told her again.

Her rich brown eyes welled with tears. She was confused and worried. Patrick had woken up very different from how he went to bed and though she knew she should see it as a good thing, it felt the ground underneath her was rumbling with uncertainty.

"I love you too" she replied.

*****  
The sun shone brightly as he walked the length of the property and he liked the sound of the snow crunching under his feet. As was always the way, each new answer he found seemed to spawn a dozen new questions. He had written essentially a goodbye letter to his father – had he written one for Robin. He had made a to do list - but what had prompted him? His tumour had grown rapidly and no doubt had impeded both his emotional and physical responses – how had that manifested itself? Had he been rude? Violent? Weepy? According to his chart, he had regular appointments and treatment in New York. Was he living there? Was Robin?

After walking for more than an hour, he wound up back at the studio. Shrugging off his coat, he laid it on the table nearest the door and he began to pace. The list confirmed for him that his feelings for Robin were as strong before surgery as they were now. There was no doubt in his mind that he loved her in a way that he would love no one else.

She was still holding on to a secret and he worried about what it was. He was sure it had something to do with his illness – with something he had done or said. Somehow, in some way, he got the impression that he made her doubt him or his love for her. He remembered telling her - shouting at her, really – that he was in love with her. She had been in such pain that her initial reaction had been to throw him out of her apartment. He distinctly remembered not leaving; he remembered thinking, in that moment, that he had to stay so that she understood she could count on him; that him loving her didn't mean him leaving her as had happened so many times in her life before. He needed to remind her of that again.

He pulled his phone from his back pocket and flipped it open to text her.

_I'm in the studio. Can you come meet me in 15 min? xoxoP_


	107. Chapter 114

**Chapter 114**

Without a noise, without my pride  
I reach out from the inside

Standing on the small wooden steps leading to the studio door, Robin nervously smoothed down her hair. The text message had been a surprise but she had little idea if it was a good one or a bad one. She had not planned on giving him the list until his memory came back and even when he asked for it she had been reticent to hand it over. She wasn't sure why she wanted to hold on to it - perhaps it was something that belonged to pre-surgery Patrick - the one who danced with her on Valentine's Day, who kissed her senselessly in the shadow of Edinburgh Castle, it was the one who loved her long into the night. It wasn't that she was ungrateful that he was recovering and given all the possible complications he could have suffered, she knew he got off easy. But every once in a while, she missed that Patrick.

Sucking in a sharp breath she curled her hand around the door handle and pulled it open.

Standing at the window with his hands jammed in his pockets, Patrick slowly turned around and smiled at her. "H-hi"

Having stepped just inside the door, Robin shifted anxiously from one foot to the other. "Hi" she answered in a small voice.

Sensing her nervousness he crossed the room and stood in front of her. He pulled her jacket from her shoulders and laid it on the chair.  
Cupping her face with both hands, he closed his mouth of hers in a languid, loving kiss. He swept his tongue inside her mouth and dragged it along her own before slowly pulling away. Robin grabbed hold of his belt loops to keep herself steady.

"You..." she smiled shyly, "are the best kisser I know."

He playfully raised his eyebrows. "B-better be only k-kisser"

"You are" she replied softly.

Patrick slid his fingers through hers engulfing her tiny hand with his and led her to the rocking chair. Sitting down and leaning against the soft blanket draped over the back he pulled her onto his lap, resting his hands on her hips.

"L-like the list" he told her haltingly. "I...I...would like to d-do everything on the list."

"Patrick, you don't have to say that" she told him quietly. "You don't have to try and-"

He held a finger against her lips. "I am okay" he reassured her. "And I...w-w-want to do it with you. M-maybe you don't want....to...be with me?"

Robin's eyes filled with tears as she inhaled sharply. Never in a million years had she considered that he might think she would not want to be with him. It was not an option for her to walk away from him - she loved him completely. She opened her mouth to speak but a small strangled sob was the only noise she could make.

Slowly rocking the chair back and forth, he reached up with his hands and stroked her cheek. "We don't-"

She shook her head. "I love you" she told him tearfully. "Of course I want to be with you."

"Wh-what's wrong?" he asked her softly.

"Nothing" she whispered with a small shake of her head.

Patrick swallowed thickly and prayed for his words not to fail him, not yet. "I ...I talk slow" he began, grimacing as he struggled for the words. "I t-t-talk slowly but I th-think fast" he told her pointedly.  
Tapping his own chest he continued. "I n-not a patient. I....am....your boyfriend."

Several stray tears slipped from her eyes and Patrick gently brushed them aside. He could feel the tension coiled tightly in her body and he tugged her closer to him as he continued to gently rock the chair. Their eyes remained locked on each other as he patiently waited for her to speak. She needed to find her way back to trusting him and seeing him as more than a sick person and he was prepared to wait as long as needed for that to happen.

The tears continued to trickle down her cheeks and he continued to bat them away. Inhaling sharply she blurted, "Your heart stopped. Your heart stopped and I had to revive you."

His eyes widened, his face softened and he sighed. "Oh" He closed his arms around her and hugged her tightly to his body.

She buried her face in his neck and cried softly. "Your heart stopped" she repeated as he soothingly stroked her hair. "You scared the shit out of me." Robin took one shuddering breath after another. At night, just as she was drifting off to sleep, the scene of him collapsing would replay in her mind and she would relive it all – the fear, the panic – and some nights, the bad nights, he wouldn't revive and she would force herself to wake up and touch him so that she could know it was all a bad dream.

Sitting up, she ran her hand over his heart and stared at him. Leaning in, Patrick kissed the tears under one eye and then the other. His hands trailed over her shoulders as he softly kissed her neck. Robin closed her eyes and lost herself in the comforting feel of his lips on her skin. As he moved across the hollow of her neck and sucked softly at the skin there she felt the confidence in his kiss. There was no tentativeness and no hesitation in him. His fingers worked quickly on the buttons of her blouse and he pushed the soft cotton from her shoulders as he continued to leave a trail of small, wet kisses against her skin.

As he buried his face in the dip between her breasts she threaded her fingers through her hair and inhaled sharply. He worked his tongue in small, precise circles sending shivers through her.

"Patrick," she rasped.

Raising his head he dragged his thumb along her chin and smiled. "You need to kn-kn-know I'm okay and I can make you feel okay."

"We don't have to" she said, "I can wait"

He shook his head. "I can't." Sliding his arm around her back, he flicked open the clasp of her bra and as it fell away from her body, he took hold of it and dropped it on the side. He fastened his mouth over hers in a hot, wanton kiss, as they rocked back in forth in the chair.  
Suddenly overcome with the need to feel his skin against hers, she pulled insistently at the hem of the sweater. Patrick broke the kiss long enough to tug the sweater over his head and toss it to the floor.

Her hands swept wondrously over his chest, the warmth of his skin was soothing to her. The chair moved in a languid rhythm as he peppered her skin with tiny kisses. As he closed his lips around her nipple, his tongue laving it, her breath slipped from her in a moan. She could feel his erection pressing up into her and the friction from rocking was pushing her quickly to the edge. Throwing her head back, she clenched her eyes shut and let out a shuddering breath as he moved to the other breast.

Proving that he still knew her body well, he stopped rocking and pulled them both to their feet. He flicked open the button of her jeans and unzipping them, pulled them down. Her legs trembled as she stepped out of them and he circled an arm around her waist to hold her steady. He cupped her sex, slipping a finger inside as she dropped her head to his shoulder, leaning her body into him. Every nerve ending was waking up from a long slumber and her body was reaching for him.

She pressed frantic, urgent kisses against his shoulder and moved to his chest. Her hands found his belt and made quick work of it with his zipper following suit. The jeans slipped from his waist. Bending down, he retrieved his wallet from the back pocket and pulled out the protection they needed.

Stepping backwards he sat down on the rocking chair and tearing open the small packet, quickly sheathed himself. Holding out his hand to her in invitation, he saw her hesitation.

"R-robin" he whispered.

Her eyes filled with tears once again as he finally managed to say her name. And though she stood naked in front of him, hearing her name from his lips made her feel wrapped in tenderness.

"Are you sure?" she asked, her chest heaving.

"V-v-very" he answered with his hand still outstretched.

Robin placed her hand in his and let him guide her to him. Hooking one leg through one side of the chair and then the other, she slowly lowered herself on him both groaning at the contact. It had been more than two months since they had made love and while she had certainly gone longer than that without, she had missed the physical closeness with him acutely.

His hands explored the length of her back as they rocked together in unison with the movement of the chair. He nipped at her bottom lip before thrusting his tongue inside the velvety softness of her mouth. His tongue moved in time with his hips as she sank into the kiss. She dragged her thumbs across his nipples eliciting an excited hiss for her efforts.

"Oh god" she sighed as his mouth continued to assault her neck. She could feel her climax building and there was a part of her that was afraid to let go. She had spent so much energy lately trying to stay in control she worried what would happen if she wasn't.

He felt her tense and slid his hand between them gently stroking the sensitive bundle of nerves at the apex of her sex. Locking eyes with her, he thrust deeply, the chair rocked more quickly, pushing her closer and closer to the edge.

"I l-l-love you" he trembled, "c-come with me"

Her mouth dropped open, gasping for breath as he continued to push her, to take her where he knew she needed to go. His burned brightly with his love for her and finally there was a flash across her face as she cried out his name.

She collapsed against him, shivering and shaking, her face buried against his shoulder. The rocking slowed and he lovingly stroked her back, whispering soft kisses along her skin.

As their breathing returned to normal, they disentangled themselves from each other. Patrick set her gently on the ground as he rose to his feet. He pulled the blanket from the back of the chair and taking her by the hand, let her to rays of bright sunlight beaming through the window. He sank to the ground, pulling her with him and wrapped them both in the blanket.

"Okay?" he asked quietly as he brushed his lips against her ear.

Robin nodded. She felt boneless, as though she could float away if not for his arms keeping her next to him.

"You can t-t-tell me anyth-th-thing" he said.

Tilting her head to the side, she looked up at him. "There is something I need you to know" she told him.

"Wh-what?"

There were a bundle of words on the tip of her tongue, truths that were asking to be released. But as she opened her mouth to speak, they fell away. She was not ready to tell him.

"I love you. I love you and I want to do the list with you too."

Patrick sighed silently. There was more, he knew it but for whatever reason she still would not tell him. He would be patient with her as she had no doubt been with him. But if he had learned anything in the last few weeks, it was the truth always comes out whether you want it to or not.


	108. Chapter 115

**Chapter 115**

Homeward bound

Robin sank further back into Patrick's arms, pulling the blanket closer around them as they both stared out the window. The water echoed with the sun's rays and bits of greenery could be seen poking up through the snow giving first warning that Spring was coming. Patrick softly kissed her shoulder as he traced small patterns along her torso with his fingertips. They had been sitting there, wrapped up in each other, for more than an hour. In other circumstances such silence and stillness would have discomforted Patrick but through Robin he had learned that sometimes the best communication was without words.

He nuzzled her neck and smiled against her warming skin as she sighed happily. There was an ever present sensation that he had moved off the path he had been travelling on, as though somehow he got turned around and headed in another direction but as he held her, as his heart beat in time with hers, he finally felt that he might be back on track. Based on what he read in his chart he knew the last few months would have been anything but pleasant. The dosage of radiation he had received explained the healing sores he could still drag his tongue against in his mouth. The severity of his tremors would have made him furious, probably impossible to live with and so he imagined there had not been too many moments like this one - where they could just be.

Her head lolled against his shoulder and she ran her hand along his arm. Looking up at him, she smiled contentedly. "I like it here" she stated softly.

"Wh-why?" he asked curiously.

Robin exhaled quietly. "Because it's peaceful" she answered. "Because you can hear yourself think."

Patrick raised an eyebrow questioningly. "B-brain noisy?"

"Yeah" she admitted.

"With wh-what?"

Robin turned sideways in his arms and pressed a kiss to his chest. She traced her fingers along his collar bone as she contemplated her answer. Her mind was a very noisy place and had been for quite some time. She worried about Patrick and his health, about the possiblity of his not returning to surgery. She also worried about her own health, her changing viral load and the very real chance that she would need a change in protocol to get it back to the levels it had been for so long. Added in to that she worried about their relationship and what all of it, including his memory loss meant for them going forward. It was a balancing act for her to keep it all in check.

Patrick threaded his fingers through her soft, silky hair and waited for her answer. One of the interesting by-products of his aphasia was his patience when it came to conversations. Because he could not always respond quickly or at all there was a lot of airtime available to others and he was discovering if he didn't push it, people eventually would start to fill the space.

"I kind of..." she began but trailed off. Chewing on her bottom lip as she traced his tattoo, she took a deep breath and started again. "I get...I get kind of panicky when you don't remember. I just find it really hard."

Sliding his finger under her chin and tilting it upwards, he kissed her softly. "Why?" he asked as he slowly pulled away from her lips.

She shrugged but as she saw the expectant look in his eyes she knew she needed to answer. She just hoped it would sound better out loud than it did in her head. "I've never been in love like this before. I...I was a teenager with Stone and I was broken when I was with Jason. And then I left town and I was sure - I mean really sure - that I wasn't going to fall in love again." She smiled as Patrick tightened his grip around her waist. "So I worked on everything else - trying to be a complete person and I was. I am," she amended.

Patrick tenderly kissed her mouth as Robin curled her fingers through the fine wisps of hair at the nape of his neck.

"I'm whole and then the one thing that I was sure would never happen, happened. I am in love - crazy in love with you," she sighed softly. "And there is so much that happened between us in the last six months - there was a lot of honesty and trust. There were moments in time that deepened my feelings for you or clarified your feelings for me. We travelled that road together and it's hard," her brown eyes shimmered with tears, "it's hard not to be able to say 'remember when' and you do. I guess there's a part of me - an insecure part of me - that thinks because you don't remember..." She blew out her cheeks as her throat thickened, "maybe you don't feel the same way anymore. I worry that maybe your feelings aren't as deep as they were before surgery." She buried her face against his chest. "It's stupid I know."

"N-no" he stammered. He tired to speak again but could not make his tongue move in the way he wanted it to. Though his speech was improving, he still tired easily. Reaching behind him, while still holding on to Robin, he grabbed hold of his jeans and yanked them to him. He pulled out a small notepad and pen from the back pocket.

Robin lovingly stroked his cheek as he wrote. His statement about talking slowly but thinking quickly stuck with her and was a good indication at how difficult it was for him to continue to rely on a pen and paper.

_My mind may not remember but my heart does. It knows you and everything we've shared. My brain is going to catch up. My feelings for you get deeper every day. _

She read the note and looked up at him, blinking quickly. "You're amazing," she whispered.

He pointed to his tattoo and smiled. "Con-n-nected" he said haltingly.

Burrowing next to him, she placed a kiss in the centre of his chest. "Yeah we are." Patrick held her closely and left a small trail of kisses along her cheek. "Did your mom come here a lot even when she was sick?" she asked tentatively.

He nodded and wrote. _Not to paint though - I think she just liked to think here. If we couldn't find her at the house we knew she would be here. _

Robin gave a small smile. "I think I would do the same" she told him, "if I had something big I was trying to sort through this would be a good place." She linked her fingers through his. "I'm really glad that we came here."

"Why?" He was curious as to what she was taking from their time here.

When he had said he wanted to recover here he had done so without thinking. There was something telling him that he needed to be here and he realized now, after reading the letter he wrote to his father, that it was so he could continue to put old ghosts and injuries to bed. He had not returned to the house in more than a decade and if anything, as time passed, he became almost intimidated by returning; that somehow being here would drive home all he had lost. It was to his great surprise that the opposite had happened.

"You've never talked a lot about your life growing up - you tell me stories here and there but I never really had a sense of what your childhood was like. But being here, seeing all the photos and finding your mom's paintings - I guess...I guess I'm relieved."

Cocking his head to the side, he gave her a quizzical look.

"I'm relieved because I know you were loved" she answered shyly. "Intellectually I understand what happened to your dad after your mom died. But I remember you telling me on the docks after I went to my first group meeting that..." she swallowed thickly, "that what hurt you the most was your dad choosing the bottle over you - that you were second choice."

Patrick's eyes welled with tears and he nodded in understanding and remembrance

"I never told you but when you told me about how isolated and alone you felt, my heart broke a little because I couldn't imagine someone knowing you and loving you and making you their first choice." Reaching up, she swiped at the stray tear that trickled down his cheek. "Being here has shown me that you were deeply loved Patrick and knowing that matters a lot to me."

"Why?" he prodded again, ignoring the bitter lump that had formed in his throat.

"Because you make me believe that anything is possible." She paused for a moment, unsure of whether to continue but Patrick's gentle stroking along her back urged her forward. "I see a future with you" she whispered, "but I needed to know where you came from to trust it and now I do."

She dropped her eyes to her lap, worried that she had pushed it too far. She could feel Patrick's arm moving as he wrote on the small pad of paper.

_I see a future with you too_

He nudged her with his shoulder as he passed the pad to her. Robin let out a small gasp as she read it and as she looked up at him, she saw him tapping his tattoo. A shuddering breath escaped from the back of her throat. Kneeling up, she cupped his face and kissed him passionately. Patrick returned her kiss with alacrity, pushing his body against hers.

As they breathlessly broke apart, he swept her bangs from her face and smiled. "It is....time...." he paused as his mouth groped to form the words, "f-f-f-for us....to....go home."


	109. Chapter 116

**Chapter 116**

Every day is a winding road

Despite his protests that he could help, Robin had banished Patrick to the couch to rest while she put unpacked the suitcases. His lanky frame was stretched out along the entire length of the couch and though he felt some fatigue from the trip home he was not ready to sleep. Glancing around the apartment living room he could feel memories flashing through him but they moved far too quickly for him to recognize them. They left him with mixed feelings of comfort and tension.

His gaze was continually drawn to the door as though there was some hint or secret in there. He could see himself walking through it but without context had no idea what any of it meant. Holding his left hand up he watched critically for any sign of a tremor. It was like a kick to the gut as he saw the tiniest shake in his hand. For almost anyone else the tremor would be unnoticeable and certainly not an impediment to resuming their career. But he wasn't anyone else, he was a world class neurosurgeon. And if his hands were not steady then they were of no use to him. Eric had been frank and told him he would need to dedicate himself to an intense physiotherapy regime and do so with the knowledge that it may not be enough. There were other career paths available to him if the tremor didn't disappear - he could still be a doctor. No doubt he could run a very successful practice but he would only be a doctor, not a surgeon and that felt like failure. The idea of never running an OR, of not having that rush of a complex surgery was more than he could contemplate. His hands were going to be steady again because as far as he was concerned there were no other options.

Robin emerged from the bedroom and standing in the entranceway of the living room quietly watched her boyfriend as he looked around the room. It had been two months since he walked out the door and she crumpled to the floor like a rag doll drowning in grief and heartache. The path to get back here had been full of hurdles, detours and enormous challenges but seeing him on the couch and looking more like himself than he had in months went a long way to make up for all that had come before.

"Not sleeping?" she asked as she slid next to him on the couch.

Patrick wrapped her tightly in his arms and shook his head. "N-no. N-n-need to make sure you d-don't throw out shirts you h-h-hate" he stuttered.

Looking up into his eyes, she grinned. "Silly - I did that months ago. Along with your sweater vests. And I replaced all your Rangers sweaters with Devils sweaters."

She laughed as he growled at her. "D-devils s-s-suck" he stated confidently.

"How are you feeling?" she asked seriously, watching his eyes for any sign of covering.

He sighed quietly and reached for the new dry erase board that replaced the one he broke in the Hamptons perched on the edge of the coffee table.

_I'm tired _he admitted, _but okay and this right here is nice. _

Robin snaked her arms around his waist and nibbled softly on his bottom lip. "It sure is."

_Question for you. How are you? _

Robin looked at the board and was amazed at how so often the straight forward questions had the most complicated answers. As she had put their clothes away she had also checked the messages on her phone and her stomach sank to her shoes as she heard Alan's voice asking her to come by the hospital in the morning as he wanted to run new blood work and see where her viral load was at. It was one of the most frustrating things about HIV - her viral load could climb and climb and for a long time she would feel no differently. She would be walking in blind tomorrow, not knowing if she had stabilized or needed a new protocol. She didn't want to think about it though, for one night she wanted to not worry about her health or his health and just be a normal couple in love.

Looking up at his, she smiled. "I am happy that we're home - together. And I am so grateful that you're okay."

Dipping his head he kissed her slowly, his tongue running along the seam of her lips before diving inside the warmth of her mouth. Robin moaned as he deepened the kiss and her hands burrowed under his shirt in search of his skin. As they languidly let go of each other, Patrick reached again for the board.

_Are you grateful enough to start cheering for the Rangers?_

Robin snorted and rolled her eyes. "Not a chance"

xxxxx  
Alexis's eyes widened in surprise as she saw Eric standing on the other side of her front door. Her face broke into a wide smile as she pulled open the door. "This is a nice surprise" she told him.

He smiled shyly. "I tried to call you but the line was busy and I hated to be in town and not see you."

"I was on a conference call with my nephew." She reached for his hand and tugged him across the threshold. "I'm so happy to see you"

Sliding his hand around her he pulled her into him and dipping his head, greeted her with a soft kiss. "I'm glad" he told her as he pulled away.

Alexis linked her fingers through his and led him into the living room. The last two weeks had been busy ones for both of them and finding time to see each other had been difficult. Her mind had, as it was wont to do, wandered to worst case scenarios and imagined the relationship was coming to an end. Knowing her thought process, Eric had ensured he called her as often as he could and on the night Patrick had texted asking him to come to the Hamptons, he had sent her flowers.

As they settled on the couch she curled up next to him, running her fingers through his hair. She was in awe of his beauty and how seemingly unaffected he was by it. She had come of age in a family that paid much attention to its outward appearance and little to its inward realities. Her choices in men had often echoed that but he was different. His focus for himself and for her was on the inside and that made all the difference.

"What brought you to town? Was it Patrick? Is he okay?"

Eric smiled. "He's okay. I came to brief his new physician only to find that he had transferred to another hospital. I...uh...ended up in a long conversation with Alan Quartermaine and he offered me a job."

"What?"

"He offered me a job - told me they were down two neurosurgeons with Patrick's medical leave and he could use my help."

"Are you...are you going to take it?"

"That kind of depends on you" he told her quietly.

"Wh-what do you mean?"

Eric gently swept her bangs from her forehead and took a deep breath. "Alexis I love New York - I like my apartment and I like my hospital. I'm not a big fan of small towns" Her face dropped as he spoke, panic swelling up inside her. "But I'm in love with you" he carried on. "And the only real advantage of moving here would be that we could see each other - a lot" he grinned. "But I know you don't like to be crowded or rushed and so I guess...I guess I'm wondering how you would feel if I took the job?"

She sucked in a sharp breath. It was taking a lot of getting used to, being with someone who was concerned with her needs and her feelings. Her heart beat wildly against her ribs as she snuggled in closer to him. "How would I feel?" she echoed.

Eric nodded, nervously chewing on his lip. He had been taken by surprise by Alan's offer and six months ago would have rejected it out of hand, fearing Port Charles to be too provincial and taking him out of the running for career advancement. But falling in love was teaching him that life was about balance and career advancement was empty if there was no one to share it with. Once Alan asked him he suddenly realized how much he wanted to take it but before he could, he needed her to be okay with it as well.

"Hmm" she mused. "If you lived here, we could meet for lunch or go out for dinner without feeling like a clock was ticking off minutes behind us. If you lived here you could come over and watch movies-"

"Um, if I live here and I come over - we're doing way more than watching movies" he teased with a waggle of his eyebrows.

The apples of her cheeks flushed red and she shook her head at his ability to make her blush. "I would love it if you lived here."

His face split in a wide grin and he leaned in and kissed her passionately. "Want to come apartment hunting with me?" he asked.

"Best offer I've had all year."

xxxx  
Robin looked down at the bandaid laid against the crook of her elbow. If she pulled it back and removed the small cotton ball she would be hard pressed to find the needle prick. Alan had insisted on a second set of tests and asked her to wait around for a few hours as he put a rush on her tests. It didn't matter how many times her blood was drawn, it never got easier. The knot in the pit of her stomach tightened and a cold sweat was ever present at the base of her neck.

One day as an undergrad she asked her lab teacher to show her what HIV looked like under the microscope. It astounded her that she expended so much energy fighting something that seemed invisible. If you didn't know what your enemy looked like, how could you beat it? It had been a simplistic view at the time but it had been reassuring to her to see what the virus looked like. It didn't provide her any answers but it gave her something to picture in her head when she needed to picture her meds working. Sitting in Alan's waiting room, she closed her eyes and called upon that picture again. She imagined the cluster of the virus decreasing and diminishing. When she pictured it leaving her body she always saw it as some kind of darkness being lifted. She would not give into the fear that seemed to swirl at her feet ready to envelope her if she let it.

She felt Alan standing in front of her before he called to her. His presence was one she had come to know well and good news or bad, she counted on him to be there. Opening her eyes she knew what he was going to tell her before he opened his mouth. And as Alan looked at her, he knew that she did as well.

"Robin," he began gently, "I'm afraid your viral load though stabilizing, does not appear to be responding to your medication the way we expect it to."

"Are you going to increase the dosage again?" She knew the answer but wanted to delay what was coming for as long as she could.

A small grimace crossed Alan's face and he gave a simple shake of his head. "I'm sorry Robin but we need to find a new protocol."

She felt the darkness descending.


	110. Chapter 117

**Chapter 117**

The sorrow grows deeper when the sorrow's denied

Sinking on to the bench overlooking the water, Robin pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs - to ward off the cold and the fear. Taking one deep breath after another she stared out at the water, looking desperately for the perspective she had told Patrick could be found here. Sighing heavily, she brought her forehead to rest on her knees.

Alan had been as he had always been - kind, patient, compassionate and hopeful. In anticipation of her needing a new protocol, he had consulted with a number of colleagues before determining which one he felt had the greatest possibility of succeeding. The good news was that she would be taking less pills on a daily basis than she had been. The bad news was it would take her body upwards of a month to adjust to all the new medication and the gamut of side effects waiting for her were heart stopping.

She had shed few tears over her HIV status, especially as an adult. For the most part she accepted and hated her diagnosis all at once. But this news had pushed her tears to the forefront. The side effects of the new meds made her feel ignoble. There was little elegance or dignity to be found when most of your days would be spent vomiting or with diarrhoea. She wondered if she would be able to find the make up she used the last time to cover the skin discoloration and rash that seemed to take over her body. If ever she needed a reminder of just how toxic the anti-retroviral medication was, watching her skin become covered in purple blotches did the trick.

Lifting her head, she pulled her collar up around her ears and watched the sunlight dance across the water in a hopeful prelude to spring. Given her current mindset, she would have preferred storm clouds.

Her mind wandered back to her small Parisienne apartment and the last time she had to change her medication. The stomach cramps felt as though a hundred rusty knives were slicing at her insides. The only food she could tolerate was plain pasta and the occasional container of yogurt. Anything else- everything else - was guaranteed to send her sprinting to the bathroom. The nausea would wash over her in the middle of the night and leave her kneeling by her toilet waiting for it to pass. It had become so difficult at one point that she left a pillow and a blanket in the bathroom so that she could sleep in between bouts.

But the worst, by far, had been the purple splotches on her skin. At first it had seemed contained to her torso and her arms - careful wardrobe selection ensured that no one would know. But then the splotches had moved up her neck and on to her face and she was devastated. Never a particularly vain woman she did pride herself on looking like everyone else, even when she was different. But the changing colours on her skin were a siren call announcing to the world that she was not the same as they were, that what she needed to keep her disease at bay was also polluting her body. She had arrived at the make up counter at Printemps department store and skulked around looking for a product, any product that would hide the marks of her medication. It had been humiliating to be moving among some of the most fashionable women in Paris while trying to hide her face. There had been a young man at one of the counters who spotted her and very kindly and compassionately, had brought her to another counter that had the product she needed. He had chatted breezily with her, ignoring the spots on her face, while he had explained the various selling features of the make up. After he had applied it, he had handed her a mirror and she had promptly burst into tears. The spots were covered and though the makeup was far thicker than anything she had ever worn, she looked normal. He had hugged her tightly, whispering "courage" and slipped a second bottle in her bag. He would never know what a lifeline he had been to her that day.

Her eyes were overfilled with tears as all those old feelings of loneliness rushed back. The mere idea that she had to do it again was like a vice grip around her heart. It mattered little in this moment that she knew she would get through it, she just didn't want to do it. There were a number of people she should see - Mac, Darren and most importantly Patrick - but she could not muster up the energy to tell any of them. She simply didn't want anyone to know. It was unreasonable of course because they would all come to know, one way or another, in time. But until she was ready, she would keep it to herself.

Swiping at her tears, she unfurled her legs and pulled herself off the bench. She check the prescriptions in her pocket and taking a deep breath headed towards the pharmacy. It was time to get started.

xxxxx  
_I can't believe you're moving here_ Patrick wrote, showing the board to Eric. _Are you sure?_

Alexis glared teasingly at Patrick. "Don't even think about trying to change his mind Drake, or I'll sue you for alienation of affection."

Patrick laughed loudly, shaking his head. "Sh-sh-she's feisty" he stammered.

"Damn straight" Eric replied, curling his fingers through hers. "And she found me an apartment in less than an hour - so she's a genius too."

As soon as Eric had asked her to help him with apartment hunting, she sprang into action. Before he could even find his bearings, she had circled half a dozen ads in the classifieds and started to set up appointments to view them. It took only three apartments before he found one that suited him. It was in walking distance of both the hospital and the waterfront and much like his apartment in New York, was a large loft with exposed beams and brick. The minute they had crossed the threshold he knew it was for him. Alexis was of the same view, telling him the apartment felt like him. With the afternoon suddenly free, Eric called Patrick asking if they could drop in. He had been slightly nervous about telling him he was accepting a job at General Hospital, worried that he would feel threatened, that his position as a surgeon was being called into question but he had been gracious and genuinely pleased to have his friend back in the same city.

"How are you doing?" Eric asked, eyeing him critically.

"T-t-tired" he answered honestly. "Ph-physio and speech on same day is h-h-hard."

He smiled sympathetically. "I know dude but you're a champion"

Patrick shook his head quietly and reaching inside his shirt pulled out the Michael the Archangel medallion. "N-not a champion - a w-w-warrior."

"You sure are" he answered softly.

Patrick tried to speak again but found his muscles exhausted and unwilling to cooperate. He reached for the board. _Are we having a kegger for a house warming? _

Alexis arched her perfectly groomed brow. "You're a party planner now Patrick?"

He smirked. _Contemplating career options._ He looked up expectantly as the lock turned and Robin came through the door; his broad smile shrank somewhat as he saw the strained look on her face.

Closing the door behind her, Robin inhaled quietly and hoped for the strength she needed. Peeling off her coat, she hung it on the rack and plastered a bright smile to her face. "This is a pleasant surprise" she lied, crossing the room and brushing her lips in a short needful kiss against Patrick's.

"We aren't staying" Alexis offered, noticing the dark circles emerging under her eyes.

Robin smiled gamely and waved her friend off. "Don't be silly." Patrick pulled her to his lap and kissed her shoulder. "What brings you to town Eric? Checking up on Patrick?"

"Actually I came to hand off Patrick's chart but ended up with a job offer."

She did a double take. "You're going to be working at GH?"

He nodded. "Yes and Alexis just found me an apartment so all that's left for me to do is move down here."

_And he's a Rangers fan. You're outnumbered. _

Robin snickered and cast an incredulous look in his direction. "As if"

"You tell him Robin" Alexis added. "I'm happy to cheer for whatever team you do"

"Ha!" She grinned. "Boys against girls."

Patrick rolled his eyes. _Girls suck_

"Only if you're very, very good" Robin replied throatily. She slid from his lap. "How about some drinks - something to toast the big move with?" she suggested. In truth, she just needed to get out of the room for a few minutes to gather herself. She had been expecting some solitude when she came home and to find company waiting had thrown her. She headed to the kitchen without waiting for an answer.

Alexis patted Eric's leg as she rose to her feet. "I'm going to help Robin with the drinks."

Patrick smirked as he watched his friend staring after his girlfriend. It was reassuring to see him letting go of the chains that held him back for so long. He wasn't always a generous person but Patrick wanted everything for Eric - he was his best friend and deserved nothing but the best.

_You are so far gone_

"Not sure you have any room to talk there big boy" Eric replied.  
_  
You guys are good together. _

Eric nodded, blushing slightly. "We work. And she makes me feel like Superman - dumb, huh?"

Patrick shook his head. He knew exactly the feeling that his friend was talking about. There was something about being in love with Robin that made him feel invincible and it was a feeling he never wanted to let go of.

_Not dumb. I'm happy for you. How is it working with her kids?_

The corners of Eric's mouth twitched upwards in a smile as he gave a small shrug. "It's going well. We've done some stuff together and on the weekend Alexis is going to tell them that I'm her boyfriend and what that means for them"

_It's tricky with kids - especially when they're not your own. _

"I don't mind" he answered softly. "I really like her kids."

_You could wind up being their stepfather_

"We are a long, long way from that Pantsy."

_I can't imagine being a father,_ he wrote.

Eric looked at the board and then to his friend. "And I can't imagine not being one."

Patrick set the board down and the table and flashed a small smile. "I'm h-h-happy f-for you" he told him earnestly.

"Thanks dude - and back at ya."

xxxxx  
Robin spun around on her heel as she heard footsteps behind her in the kitchen. "Hey Alexis" she greeted her overly brightly. "What would you like to drink? Wine? Beer?"

Alexis leaned against the fridge, folding her arms across her chest. "How are you doing Robin?" she asked gently.

Shifting nervously from one foot to the other, Robin leaned back against the counter and didn't quite meet her friend's inquiring gaze. "I'm okay" she offered, "I...I'm getting ready to go back to work and I-"

"Don't be alarmed but I think your pants might be on fire" she said kindly.

Robin pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes and inhaled sharply. "Damn you and your magic lawyer skills," she joked weakly.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Dropping her hands to her sides, Robin met Alexis' eyes and shook her head. "Not...not yet," she whispered.

Her words were heavy and hung in the air; Alexis grimaced. Unfolding her arms, she opened them to her. "Well then, can I offer you a hug?"

She stood rooted in her spot unsure of what to do. Part of her wanted to run to Alexis' open arms and melt in her embrace and yet part of her was afraid all her strength would seep from her if she gave into it for even a moment. Her desire for comfort won out and crossing the kitchen, she hugged her tightly.

Alexis closed her arms around her. "When you're ready you can tell me" she said quietly, "anything you need - just ask, okay?"

Robin nodded against her shoulder, grateful for support coming from unexpected places. Slowly extricating herself from the embrace, she smiled sheepishly at her friend. "You have the most amazing knack for being here when I need you."

"I'm telling you, it's the Molly factor - you delivered her and kept us both alive and that means that you will always been in my orbit."

"Thank you" she mouthed. "We should probably get the drinks out there before they decide to redecorate or something." Opening the fridge, she pulled out four beers and placed them on the tray. Alexis grabbed glasses and followed her out of the kitchen.

As Robin passed out the beers, she caught Patrick's scribble on the board from the corner of her eye. _I can't imagine being a father _The words sent a chill through her. While they had never talked about being parents or if their future was to include children, it had never occurred to her that it was not a possibility for him. Shaking her head, she tried to push it from her mind; with everything going on they were a long way from that discussion.

"So what shall we toast to?" she asked, snuggling in next to Patrick.

"To new beginnings" Eric suggested.

"To new beginnings" they answered, clinking bottles.


	111. Chapter 118

**Chapter 118**

'Cause you're working at building a mystery  
Holding on and holding it in

Patrick watched curiously from bed as Robin pulled a soft cotton tank top over her head before stepping into a pair of shorts. It was not often that either of them slept in any kind of clothing. Even at the Hamptons after a few nights they had reverted back to how they normally slept and in light of the strained expression on her face when she came through the door earlier in the evening, he was very curious as to what was going on inside his girlfriend's head.

Even with her back to him, she could feel his eyes on her. This was one thing that was very different from her previous protocol change – she hadn't been sharing a bed with anyone then and the only person she needed to consider through all of it was herself. Taking a long, slow deep breath, she turned around and smiled at Patrick as she crawled on the bed.

"You must be so excited about Eric moving here" she said as she snuggled into him.

Patrick nodded, wrapping his arms around her. "Y-yes," he agreed. "Sh-should be fun."

Robin swept her hand across his bare chest bringing it to rest, as she always did, over his heart. She dropped a small, soft kiss on his skin and laid her head on his shoulder.

Despite her initial reservations upon seeing Alexis and Eric in the apartment, she had insisted they stay for dinner and notwithstanding all that was going on in her head, she had a good time. They laughed a lot and at Eric's suggestion they played a few hands of Asshole. His excuse was that it was Patrick's favourite word. Alexis had kept a close eye on her and deftly brought the evening to a close when she felt that everyone had had enough.

Patrick nudged his lips against hers and kissed her lightly. He threaded his fingers through her hair and gently coaxed her lips apart with his tongue before plunging it into the warmth of her mouth. Robin moaned quietly as his tongue duelled lazily with hers. As he tugged her on top of him, she dropped her head back giving him access to her neck. Patrick's lips brushed against her ear lobe and then her jaw as he worked his way down the slope of her neck. Shivers ran through her body as he made small patterns with his tongue in the hollow of her neck.

She was so lost in the feeling that his kisses gave her she had not noticed his hands slipping inside her shorts until she felt his fingers curl inside of her. As panic welled up inside her, she batted his hand away and slid off of him.

Patrick looked at her in shock and dropped his hands to his side. "Wh-what's wrong?" He was confused at the sudden turn of events. He had felt her body responding to him and was at a loss to explain her slamming on the breaks.

Robin said nothing for several moments. What could she say? The truth was she would need to tell him about the change in her protocol before they were intimate again. His exposure to HIV would be increased as they worked to find the right combination of drugs for her and she could not let him have sex with her until she told him. The decision to be intimate with her had to be a fully informed one. The only problem was she wasn't ready to have that conversation just yet.

"I…uh…" she exhaled softly, "I don't feel like having sex tonight." Her cheeks flushed bright red as she said so.

Stymied yet again by his inability to speak in complete or full sentences, Patrick reached for his board.

_Is there a particular reason why?_

Upset with herself and furious at her circumstances his question provided just the outlet she needed for her anger. "Does there need to be a reason?" she snapped. "Or can your ego not accept that I don't want to get it on with you every waking moment?"

Patrick recoiled against the pillow. "R-robin" he called to her gently.

_I'm okay not having sex_ he wrote, _but I am worried that you're upset about something. You looked unhappy when you came home. _

"So, what – you think if you soften me up I'll tell you?" She regretted the words the moment they left her mouth. Bringing her hands to her face she took one serrated breath after another trying to calm down. "I'm sorry" she whispered.

Reaching out to her, he gently took her hands away from her face. His brown eyes were filled with worry as he tried to catch her eye. "Wh-what's g-g-going on?"

It was right there; the perfect opening to tell him. But as she opened her mouth the words disappeared back down her throat and she sighed, blinking away the tears that seemed omnipresent.

"Love you" Patrick reminded her. You can tell me anything.

Chewing on her bottom lip, she sucked in a breath and dove into his arms. Patrick held her tightly and pressed his lips to the top of her head.

"Every once in a while" she began hoarsely, "it just gets to me. All of it – you being sick, my HIV- it just feels overwhelming."

Tangling his legs through hers, he pulled her as securely to his body as he could and stroked her hair. And just as he did in the hospital, he drew an I, a heart and a U against her back. As he soothingly rubbed her back he felt her breath lengthen as she drifted of to sleep. He also knew there would be no sleep for him. There was something going on with his girlfriend, something beyond what she was telling him. She was going to need his help to get through it and if she wouldn't tell him what it was, he would find out on his own.

He pulled the blankets higher up around her shoulders and stared at the ceiling. There were so many obstacles in his way to getting her to open up. His lack of memories and his difficulty with speech were compounded by the reality that she didn't trust him. His tumour and all that had followed had shaken her confidence in him, it had challenged her belief that he could be counted on. Illness did that to people. Once you were identified as sick, people in your life made all kinds of assumptions about what you could and could not deal with, what you could and could not participate in; they made assumption on whether or not they could rely on you to come through for them when they needed it. He had seen it happen between his father and his mother. In truth his father started to spiral out of control when he realized that his wife was no longer his partner but rather someone he had to care for. And it was exactly what he had become to Robin. If he was going to change it then he at the very least he needed to remember what had happened in the last six months.

Seeing she was sound asleep, he carefully disentangled himself from her and pushing back the covers swung his feet to the floor. He reached for a t-shirt and slowly padded out of the bedroom as he pulled it over his head.

Flicking on a table lamp in the living room, he walked slowly along the bookcase looking for hints or clues to the missing pieces. He stopped in front of a double picture frame and smiled as he saw the photos of his parents dancing and he and his mother on Christmas Day with the racetrack. He stared at them, willing his memory to come back and remind him if he had told Robin the story about the racetrack.

Getting little, he moved to the next shelf and chuckled to himself as he saw the Christmas ornament with a picture of him mooning the camera with a Santa hat on his hip, perched in the corner. Picking it up, he traced his finger along the outline. The picture could have only come from one person and as he looked over his shoulder, glancing at the rest of the living room, he saw flickers of a party – popcorn streamers and a ceiling covered in mistletoe.

Placing the ornament back where he found it, he continued to walk around the room. Passing the window sill he saw a frame laid down on its face. Picking it up, he turned it over in his hands and looked at the photo with interest. It was a picture of the two of them and judging by the castle wall in the background, it was in Edinburgh. It must have been taken at Hogmanay. He stared at the picture trying to recall any of the feelings from that night and groaned in frustration when he was met with yet another blank. Placing the photo back where he found it, he suddenly noticed there were nearly a half dozen other photos all turned face down as well. Slowly picking them up one at a time, he felt a small chill run down the length of his spine as he discovered each photo was either of him or of he and Robin.

This was no accidental knocking over of a picture. This was a deliberate turning down of seven photos – as if they were too painful to look at.

Why had they been turned down? In each photo they looked happy and very much in love – what was it about the photos that made it difficult to look at them? For a brief moment he wondered if she had turned them down when they got home until she was sure his memory had come back. But dragging a finger along the glass and see the small build up of dust, it was clear they had been like that for quite some time.

If they had been truly happy right up until his surgery then why would Robin feel the need to hide reminders of their relationship from view? He had suspected for quite some time that he had done something to her in the months or weeks leading up to his surgery and now he was convinced. She had demurred every time he asked her and it was clear she was simply deflecting.

How had he hurt her? And was that the reason for her behaviour of late? He had somehow made it so she could not trust him. He had done something so terrible that she was keeping it from him to protect him. His heart ached at the idea that he caused her any pain at all.

Sinking into the couch, he ran his hands over his face and snarled angrily at himself. He needed answers. If he was ever going to get their relationship back on equal footing he was going to need the truth. Because the longer he went without it, the more damaging it was to Robin. She had fought for him through his illness; he knew it to be true even if he didn't remember it.

And now he was going to fight for her.


	112. Chapter 119

**Chapter 119**

And I'm free falling

Noah looked up from his coffee as the door to Kelly's swung open. Watching carefully as his son walked through the door, he saw him pause and grimace as he looked around the diner. It took all of his self-restraint not to bolt from his seat and rush to his side. But if he had learned anything about his son in the last few weeks it was that he did not want to be treated like he was weak.

Finally spotted, Patrick gave him a small wave and made his way to the table. Noah studied his walk, the way he gripped the chair to pull it out before sitting down - every small movement, to see how he was healing.

"How's it going sport?" he asked.

Patrick nodded. "O-okay." He blinked several times and anxiously rubbed the back of his neck.

"You seem agitated" Noah observed. "Are you sure you're okay?"

There was a knot forming in the pit of his stomach and his heart was hammering in his chest. It was his first trip to Kelly's since his surgery and though he couldn't place it, there was something very upsetting about being in the diner.

He shook his head. "Did s-s-something happen here?"

Doing his best not to react, Noah kept his face impassive as he cocked his head to the side. "Do you feel something?" he prodded gently.

Patrick nodded. "F-feel sick…to my….st-st-stomach" he stammered. "What happened here?"

Smiling sympathetically, he gave a small shake of his head. "Nothing you need to worry about."

He jumped as his son slammed his fist against the table sending cutlery clanging to the floor. Patrick's brown eyes darkened in anger and he glared at his father. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out a small notepad and a pen.

_You don't get to say it's nothing to worry about. I walked through that door and felt like I hit a wall. That's something to worry about. What the hell happened?_

Noah read the note and returned the pad to him. "Patrick, you know just as well as I do that if I tell you what happened you may never recover that memory. If you get all the details filled in then your brain doesn't have to force itself to remember and your short term memory will be a series of facts told to you by someone else rather than what you experienced."

He rolled his eyes and wrote: _I think you and Robin need to accept the possibility that I may never regain those memories. At some point someone is going to have to tell me what the hell happened in the last six months. Holding in secrets makes people sick_

Noah's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Is Robin sick?" He had been concerned all along that she was either neglecting her health or that it was all proving to be more than she could handle on her own and he worried about what that meant for her.

"D-d-don't know" he answered. "Something is wrong. W-won't say what."

"That's hard. I'm sorry"

Patrick smiled gratefully as the waitress poured him a cup of coffee. He sighed quietly as he wrapped his hand around the mug. "Wh-what do I do?"

Leaning forward, resting his elbows on the table, Noah took a deep breath. "You have to give her space and time Patrick. The impact of an illness like this on family and friends lingers long after it's resolved. But as each day gets you further from it, the easier it will become."

There was something about both what his father was saying and the way in which he said it that provoked an image in his mind. He saw him gripping his father's shirt and slamming him into a wall. Blinking rapidly trying to clear the image, he was confronted with another one – his fist ploughing into his father's face and the sickening sound of cartilage being compressed ringing in his ears. His mouth dropped open as he took one serrated breath after another. He tightened his hold on his coffee mug, squeezing it as his brain was flooded with one disturbing image after another.

Seeing the distress on his son's face, Noah placed his hand on his arm. "Patty? Are you okay?"

Patrick looked down at the table and then back at his father; his eyes were filled with confusion. He shook his head and tried to push the image from his mind but it stayed and he saw himself raining punches down on his father. Beyond the occasional dust up at school, he had never really been a fighter and could not reconcile the image in his head with what he knew of himself.

Taking a long, slow breath he picked up the pen. _Did we fight?_

Noah swallowed nervously. If Patrick was asking the question it was likely because he was remembering something and that was a victory. But there were some things he wished would stay buried in everyone's subconscious and the morning his son beat him up was one of them.

"We always fight" he answered, trying to dodge the question. "Ever since you got your first words."

Patrick would not be deterred. _That's not what I mean – and you know it. Did I hit you? Here at Kelly's? _

Exhaling slowly, Noah rubbed the back of his neck. If his son was remembering something then he owed him the truth, however painful it may be. "Yes" he finally answered.

"NO!" Patrick gasped, horrified that the pictures he was seeing were real.

"We did" he confirmed gently. "But we made it up" Seeing the colour drain from his face, Noah desperately wanted to reassure his son. "We were in a good place before your surgery."

"No. No. No." Patrick rubbed his hands over his face. "Wh-wh-why?"

"Patrick, son, you need to understand that the tumour had short-circuited your emotional responses and that your ability to cope was severely limited."

_Stop making excuses. Why did I hit you? _

Noah swept his tongue along his bottom lip. He was unsure of the response that would await him as he repeated the truth that had put his son over the edge a few months earlier. This wasn't how he wanted it to happen – this wasn't the memory he wanted him to have rushing back to him – but for better or for worse, this was what they had.

"You were struggling with the impact the tumour was having on you and felt that you were not being as strong as your mother was. It was tearing you up inside. So I…we met for breakfast and I…I told you some of the details of your mother's illness that you weren't aware of."

Patrick ran his hand over his head, furrowing his brow. "Why I h-hit you?"

"You thought I was lying" he offered simply. "Your mom and I worked very hard to shield you from some of the more unsavoury aspects of her illness and when I pulled the curtain back to reveal it to you, it was more than you were able to accept."

Blowing out his cheeks, Patrick looked down at his mug. Feelings of shame and embarrassment enveloped him. The idea that he struck his father was so foreign to him; the little bits he was discovering of who he was before his surgery seemed unrecognizable to him.

"I….am…..sorry" he told him haltingly. "V-v-very sorry."

Noah's heart cracked as he looked at his son. His beautiful boy born of a love that was a once in a lifetime looked as if he might crumple under the strain of it all.

"Patrick" he began, his voice hoarse, "I love you. And we are okay. I don't want you rehashing it over and over. It's in the past and we dealt with it. Okay?"

_I'm going to need time to process it. I can't believe I did that. _

"I know" Noah reassured him, "but it's okay."

Patrick was less sure that it was alright but had neither the energy nor the memories to debate it with his father. The one thing the revelation did tell him was that if he beat up his father, there is no telling what he did to his girlfriend.

_What did I do to Robin?_

It was Noah's turn to grimace. He had suggested to Robin that she tell Patrick about his leaving and his reasons for doing so but she had demurred. She felt that he was not ready to know it, that the knowledge would be too upsetting for him and could stand in the way of his recovery. Noah was beginning to wonder if it was Patrick that wasn't ready or if it was her.

"I can't answer that Patty."

Patrick narrowed his eyes in frustration, angrily scribbling on the pad. _Can't or won't?_

"Both" he admitted. "That's for you and Robin to sort out and I can't be in the middle of it."

He looked at his father and tossed his pen on the table. Now he had all the confirmation he needed that whatever it was he did, he hurt her deeply. He was going to get answers – with or without help.

xxxxx  
Pulling into the driveway, Robin put the car in park and clenched her eyes shut. Her hands were clammy and her face flushed. The waves of nausea from the new medication felt like a tsunami and she had been forced to pull over three times during the short drive from her apartment.

It had been a restless night as her mind took her to all kinds of dark places in her dreams. She had felt his arms around her during the night, calming her and she had snuggled closely to him as though she was holding on for dear life. She had been grateful when she woke up that she found a note from Patrick telling her he was off to have breakfast with his father. She had barely opened her eyes before she was sprinting to the bathroom. She had washed her face and slowly dressed before swallowing down her morning pills, knowing the cycle would start again in short order. Alan, well aware of the toll a change in protocol could take, had actually insisted she take two weeks off until it was settled but she had not shared that with anyone. For that reason and because she didn't want her boyfriend to find her being sick, she hopped in her car and headed to the one place where she knew she could hide out – even if it was just for the day.

Finally feeling strong enough to stand up, she opened the door and swung her feet to the ground. She walked the familiar path to the door and rang the doorbell. As it opened, her eyes welled with tears.

"I'm not feeling well" she blurted, "can I stay here for a while?"

Mac pulled his niece into his arms and hugged her tightly – he had almost been expecting her visit. He dropped a kiss on the top of her head. "Of course you can sweetheart. You can stay here for as long as you'd like."


	113. Chapter 120

**Chapter 120**

Let me see you through  
Cause I've see the dark side too

He had no sooner pulled her into the house then she was bolting for the bathroom to be sick. When she had finally emerged from the bathroom, pale and slightly shaky, she saw her uncle sitting on the couch, a steaming mug of mint tea on the table and her favourite blanket folded neatly waiting for her. Pulling the soft afghan around her shoulders to ward off the chills, Robin dropped her head on Mac's shoulder and sighed tiredly. Mac lovingly stroked her hair and dropped a kiss on the top of her head.

There was a question poised on the tip of his tongue and clearing his throat, he decided to dive in. "Robin are you...is it possible....are you pregnant?"

Lifting her head, she looked at him wide-eyed in shock. "What?! No....no I'm not pregnant."

"Oh" he replied, feeling rather stupid. "It's just...well I thought with the nausea that you might be."

Clenching her eyes shut, she shook her head. "My...I'm...Alan has put me on a new HIV regimen yesterday and it feels like my body is rebelling from the inside out."

Swallowing down his own fear at her admission, Mac gathered her in his arms and held her tightly. "I am so sorry" he told her.

It was news that he had always lived in fear of - partially because of what a change in protocol did to her physically but mostly because of what a change in protocol meant in the long run. Each time her protocol was changed that meant there was another set of drugs that were no longer effective in keeping the virus at bay and given that there was not an unlimited number of drugs to combat HIV, it meant she was creeping ever closer to developing AIDS. He had had a front row seat as her boyfriend's body was ravaged by the disease before finally succumbing to it and the idea that his niece - his precious beautiful niece that he loved like his own child - could experience the same thing was more than he could bear.

She fisted his shirt, pressing her face into his chest, as a small trail of tears trickled from her eyes. "I'm tired of having HIV" she said quietly. "Can I be done with it now? Because I don't like living like this."

The words sliced through him with excruciating precision. His niece was a strong and resolute woman - her life left little room for her to be otherwise - but everyone had a breaking point. He tightened his embrace and kissed her cheek. "I love you Robin" he told her. He wished it was like a skinned knee or a nightmare where a few kisses and reassurances that the world was an okay place would make it all better.

Grateful for the safety of his embrace, she melted further against him. "I love you too Uncle Mac" she replied.

There were not many people that she could be completely honest with about her HIV but her uncle was definitely one of them. He often knew when she was struggling without her even having to tell him. He had been by her side every step of the way and though she was well aware of his fears for her, she appreciated that he would always put them aside and just be there when she needed him.

"What did Patrick say when you told him?"

The long pause before she finally answered gave Mac an uneasy feeling. "I haven't" she admitted.

Looking down at her Mac gave a gentle shake of his head. "Sweetheart, you can't keep this from him."

"I don't mean to - not forever - I just...I'm just not ready for him to know."

Furrowing his brow, Mac tilted his head to the side and gave her a curious look. "Why not?"

Carefully pulling herself from his arms, she shrugged. "I guess I don't think he can handle it right now. He nearly died Uncle Mac - three times."

"And do you somehow think that if you tell him what's going on with you it's going to make him sick?"

She sighed heavily and shook her head. "No but it could impact his recovery and there is nothing more important-"

Mac cut her off. "I told you once before and I'll tell you again - Patrick's health is important but it is not more important than yours and you can't decisions that impact your health in an effort to protect his. Not to mention, Robin, he will find out - either you'll tell him or he'll figure it out - and he will be devastated that you kept this from him."

"He kept his tumour from me for months" she snapped bitterly.

"So is this payback?"

Robin reached for the mug of mint tea and took a small, slow sip. "No" she answered regretfully. "I just...I don't know" she said softly.

"Robin you have someone who loves you and you aren't alone. I know that it's hard for you to trust him - partially because it's just hard in general for you to trust but also because he hurt you when he left. But the only way to rebuild trust is to take a step forward."

Taking another sip of tea she let his words roll around in her head. As always, he was both wise and fair in the advice he gave her. There was never an accusation, even if he felt she was making a mistake, just a gentle nudge in the right direction.

"I will tell him" she confirmed, "I just want to feel a little stronger before I do."

"I understand that" he said. "But just make sure you don't wait too long. Does he know where you are?"

"He thinks I'm at work," she replied sheepishly. She couldn't bring herself to meet his eyes as she knew he would be disappointed in her.

"Be careful Robin" he told her kindly. "Small lies generally give way to big lies and when that happens, when you give people a reason to doubt your integrity there isn't an apology in the world that can make up for it."

She pulled at her bottom lip. "I know," she answered hoarsely. "But...can I stay here for the day?"

"You can stay here as long as you'd like."

Setting her mug down on the table, Robin tiredly ran her hands over her face. Her uncle was right, as he always was, she just didn't know how she was going to tell Patrick. 

xxxxx

The persistent knocking at the hotel room door took Eric by surprise. Pulling it open he was early bowled over by Alexis as she barged through. "I picked up a bunch of catalogues - decorating and furniture catalogues. I thought we could look at them and you might get an idea of hwo you want to decorate your new apartment."

Closing the door, Eric leaned against it and gave her a quizzical look. "I thought I was meeting you at the Black Tomato for lunch?" he asked watching as she set the books down and started to pace.

"We were - I mean we are but it's just that I was out and I saw these books and catalogues and thought about your new place and then I thought we could look at them together - I mean if you want my help to set up your new place. I'm not trying to impose myself - you have your own style and I respect that. I actually quite like your loft. Have you decided what you're going to do with your loft? Are you going to rent it or sell it? Maybe you don't want to sell it because if you don't like it here and you move back it would be nice to have a place to live - not to mention real estate in the City is so expensive and if you've found a place you like you should hold on to it. Would you rent it furnished? After all-"

As Alexis continued to pace and talk, Eric pushed himself off of the door and crossing the room, took her by the hand and pulled her onto his lap as he settled on the couch. He stopped her mid-sentence with a kiss. "Hi" he greeted her with a smile as he pulled back.

"Hi" she answered slowly.

"Did you knock over the Starbucks and down all of their espressos or something?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well - you're pacing like an expectant father in the waiting room and you're talking without breathing. What's up?"

"Nothing. I just...I saw some stuff and thought-"

He curled his fingers around her waist and looked up at her as she straddled his lap. "Alexis - you are clearly freaking out - do you want to tell me why?" he prodded gently.

"I'm not freaking out" she denied without quite meeting his gaze.

Pursing his lips together, he shook his head. "Are you...are you having second thoughts about me moving here? Maybe it's too much too soon?"

Taking a deep, steadying breath and linking her hands around his neck, she shook her head. "I'm not having second thoughts about you"

"Okay" he answered slowly, "so tell me what's going on that has you so wired for sound. Because I'm pretty sure it's not my decorating skills or lack thereof." Alexis tugged nervously at the hair at the nape of her neck and kept her gaze firmly over his shoulder. Reaching up, Eric cupped her cheek and ran his thumb along her skin. "Talk to me"

She swallowed thickly and looked at him. It had been a long time since anyone had given her such space to be herself without ridiculing her for it. "I...I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon."

Eric bit the inside of his cheek but kept his voice steady. "With your oncologist?" She nodded. "Is it a scheduled appointment or did something come up and they need to see you?"

"Scheduled" she answered quietly. "It's my 3 month appointment"

His face broke into a wide grin. "You could be getting an all clear today Alexis - that's great news!"

She shook her head. Too much had happened for her to trust the positive - it was just easier to believe the negative. "Or I could be getting scheduled for more chemo"

Pulling her closer to him, he brushed his lips against hers. "Do you want me to go with you?"

"I can't ask you to do that."

He cocked his head to the side. "You aren't asking, I'm offering. Alexis, I can go with you and ask questions you may not think of or explain things that you don't understand. Or I can go and say nothing and just hold your hand. You aren't alone in this."

A few stray tears tumbled down her cheeks and she swiped them away in frustration. "You're perfect" she told him tearfully.

Eric forcefully shook his head. "No I'm not - not even close. In fact, I can be a huge ass - ask Patrick - I just haven't really shown that side to you because I'm still trying to impress you."

Alexis giggled in spite of herself. "Oh you've impressed - especially the other night," she teased lightly. Eric winked in reply. Letting out a long slow breath, she nodded. "I'd really like it if you came with me" she told him, still nervous at letting him in that far.

He kissed her softly and gazed into her eyes. "You can count on me Alexis. I promise."

xxxxx

After leaving the diner, he had spent a long time lying on his bed staring up at the ceiling trying to process everything he had learned. He was still at a loss to reconcile the person who beat up his father with who he was - who he knew himself to be. And while having a piece of the puzzle was a start, in many ways it only made everything else more frustrating. One memory didn't lead to another like he was hoping it would and he was left to fumble in the dark.

Patrick took one final look around the apartment and smiled to himself. There were two bowls of popcorn and a bowl of M&Ms that Robin liked to melt over her popcorn, beer was poured and ready to go and her Devils sweater was waiting for her on the couch. He smoothed down his Rangers sweater and looked expectantly at the door. It wasn't the most romantic of dates but watching the Devils/Rangers game would be a low pressure activity and he hoped in the course of the evening, he could get Robin to open up and tell him what was troubling her. He wanted to help her, he just needed her to let him in.

Hearing Robin's keys in the door, he grabbed hold of her Devils shirt and perched himself on the edge of the couch and waited for her.

"Hi" he greeted her excitedly as she came through the door. "D-date night" His excitement plummeted as he looked at her. Dark circles framed her eyes and her face looked drawn.

Robin looked at the hockey sweater and then the table where he had laid everything out and felt both her stomach and her heart lurch. She had spent the day sleeping on her uncle's couch, trying to figure out what she was going to tell her boyfriend. Finally feeling settled enough to head home, she had still not worked out exactly what she was going to say. Seeing the date set up, she felt her courage dissipate.

"Hi" she said back, plastering a smile on her face. Walking to him, she kissed him gently. "Rangers playing Devils?" she asked hoping he wouldn't notice the panic rising inside of her.

"Y-y-yes" he told her as he slid an arm around her. He could sense she was ready to bolt and he had a sudden instinct to hold on to her. "L-loser wears w-w-winner's shirt."

Robin let out a shaky breath and smiled apologetically. "I'm so sorry babe but I...I....I have to work a double shift today."

Patrick furrowed his brow. "Wh-what?"

"Yeah- we're short staffed and I just came home to get my sneakers cause my feet hurt. I won't be home until the morning."

She pushed Mac's words about lying to the side in belief that she was doing this for the greater good. She could crash in her office or in an on-call room. She just needed some more time and didn't know how to ask for it without alarming him.

His bottom lip jutted out in a small pout. "Oh. S-s-sucks."

She swallowed thickly as she nodded. "I know. And I'm sorry. I'd like nothing better than to watch the game and munch on popcorn with you." The mere mention of the word popcorn made her stomach pitch and roll. "But I've been off for so long now, I can't refuse to help out." She untangled herself from his arms and headed back to the bedroom to retrieve her sneakers.

Patrick watched her go and was uneasy with what she wasn't telling him as much as he was with what she was saying. When she came back, he pulled her to him and kissed her passionately. Robin nearly dropped the shoes from her hands as she kissed him back. Gently pulling away, Patrick traced the outline of her lips with his finger. "You...can t-t-tell....me....anything" he stammered. "I c-c-c-c-can take it."

"I know" she whispered. "And what I want to tell you is that I'm so sorry I'm going to miss the game tonight and I hate not spending the night in your arms but I'll be back in the morning."

Knowing he would get nothing further from her, he nodded. "Love you."

"I love you too" she told him, before glancing at her watch. "I have to get back."

She bussed his lips quickly and disappeared out the door before he could say anything further. She ran down the stairs and dove into her car, dropping her running shoes onto the floor. Closing the door and then locking it, she cradled her head in her hands and wept.


	114. Chapter 121

**Chapter 121**

Truth is worth more than pride

"N-n-nice digs" Patrick said as he admired the wide open space of Eric's new loft, sinking down on to the large chocolate brown leather couch.

Eric smiled and handed his friend a beer before sitting down on the large, overstuffed chair. "Thanks dude." Still in transition between the two cities, he was happy to have settled in the major pieces of furniture in the new place. Rather quickly, it was beginning to feel like home. "Once I'm here full time, I'd like to have you and Robin over for dinner."

Dark clouds passed through Patrick's eyes. It had been a week since the Rangers/Devils game and his failed date night and every day he felt Robin slipping further and further away from him. She was regularly working double shifts at the hospital and between his physiotherapy and speech therapy, they were like two ships passing in the night. He had tried on several more occasions to get her to talk to him but she continued to maintain there was nothing bothering her rather she was simply tired from the punishing pace of her shifts at work. He knew there was more than that but with his compromised speech it was difficult to get anywhere.

"R-r-robin working a lot."

Eric raised his eyebrows in surprise. He had been spending much of his free time at the hospital getting acquainted with his new team and the procedures and not only had he not seen Robin, he was sure he had heard someone saying that Doctor Scorpio was away. "Everything okay Pantsy?" he probed carefully.

Patrick shook his head. It was hard to explain what exactly was wrong since he had nothing but his own instincts to go on but things were most definitely not okay. "Robin in trouble."

Setting his beer down on the table, Eric leaned forward, furrowing his brow. "What kind of trouble?"

"I th-th-think it's me. But sh-she won't talk to me," he answered haltingly. "Not sure what to do."

"Have you asked her what's going on?"

Patrick rolled his eyes in frustration. There was a sarcastic remark dangling on the end of his tongue but he couldn't say it. The more stressed he was, the greater the difficulty he had with his speech. His therapist had given him exercise to quiet his mind so as to help his speech but there was little quiet to be had these days. He relied more on his board rather than less which only exacerbated his frustration.

_She won't talk to me. Smitty I clearly did something to hurt her deeply and I need someone to tell me. How can I ever make it right if I don't know what I did? _

Eric pinched the bridge of his nose and swallowed down his irritation. He had agreed, back in the Hamptons, to Robin's request not to tell Patrick that in the final month before his surgery he had moved to New York. He understood her point about him being strong enough but it was beginning to border on the absurd and it was painfully evident to him that she wasn't telling him to protect Patrick, she was doing it to protect herself. He just had no idea what she was trying to protect himself from. He had an inkling that his girlfriend might know but he would have better luck getting state secrets from the CIA then he would getting Alexis to give up a confidence.

"You just have to give her some more time Pantsy," he offered weakly.

Patrick slammed his hand on the board in anger. _How can I give her time if I don't know what she needs time for? At some point I need the truth and I think that point is now. Obviously you know what it is so I want you to tell me. _

"No," he replied with a small shake of his head. "It's not my story to tell Patrick."

"F-fuck you," he spat.

Eric grimaced. He wasn't offended by his words, he just wished there was a way to make it easier for him. "Back to using your Scrabble words, huh?"

Patrick glowered at him; it wasn't Eric's fault but with few outlets for his anger he could not help himself. _I love her and it feels like I'm not being allowed to. _

"Do you think she doubts you love her?"

"N-no. B-but knowing and letting m-me love her are n-not the same th-th-thing"

Reaching for his beer, Eric took a long drink of it and studied his friend's face. It used to be almost impossible to read his feelings as he considered it a sign of weakness to let anyone know if he was affected by something but one of the side effects of confessing your love to another person was that it became harder and harder to hide your feelings. Where once his face would have been a blank slate it was now covered in layers of emotions.

Picking at the label on his bottle, Eric took a deep breath. "Do you remember when I finally got released from the hospital?"

Nodding, Patrick gave him a curious look. "Y-you were f-f-f-frail."

"Yeah. But not as frail as everyone treated me. The thing is Pantsy, everyone including you, had come so close to losing me. I mean hell, I was in a coma for a week and had last rites given. You all watched me deteriorate and saw it in a way that I never could. It was scary and frightening and tested everyone's faith. And while I got better and was ready to just get on with things you, my sisters and even my parents in their own way, weren't ready to let me. You guys paid such an emotional price for my illness that it wasn't easy to let it go and just move on. Everyone needed time to trust that I wasn't just going to up and die as I had come so close to doing so many times."

Patrick ran his hand over his hair, now a good two inches high and slowly covering some of the surgical scars. Those first few months after his friend had been released from hospital were terrifying for him. There had been so many set backs along the way that Patrick had been convinced that another one was just around the corner.

"You....think Robin....is l-l-like that?"

Pursing his lips together, he gave a small shrug. "I think it would be entirely probable that she is. Pantsy, we went through your chart and you saw that your tumour was galloping out of control. You remembered what happened with your Dad at Kelly's which led to you-" Catching himself, he took a sip of his beer to cover his near reveal. "You need to be patient. Don't stop pushing her to tell you what's going on but try and understand where she's coming from."

Patrick exhaled quietly and nodded. He knew what Eric was saying was right. After having reviewed his chart line by line he had remained shocked at how progressive the tumour had been and was left wondering all the ways it had manifested itself. But none of that did anything to quell his worry.

_It feels like I'm losing her. I don't want to have come through all this just to lose her._

"Pantsy, from what I have seen of your girlfriend she isn't likely to walk away. I think whatever she's dealing with, she's trying to do it on her own and it has her caught in her head. Kind of like you're caught in your head."

Drinking greedily from his beer, he realized he was going to have to show her how to trust him again. Though not entirely sure how to do that, he knew he would figure it out - his relationship and everything that mattered to him depended on it.

_How are things with Alexis?_

Eric smirked. "She told me last week that she thinks I'm perfect."

Scoffing loudly, Patrick quickly reached for his board. _You're not perfect. You're an ass - you think asking people to pull your finger is funny and you put empty milk cartons back in the fridge. _

He laughed. "Yes but what's important here is that she doesn't know it." Draining his beer, he set the empty bottle back on the table. "Did I mention I'm kinda glad to be back in the same city as you again?"

Patrick grinned. "Me t-t-too"

xxxx  
Closing the door behind her, Robin sighed gratefully as she called out for Patrick and got no response. She had been spending her days at her uncle's home trying to ride out the devastating side effects of her medication change. While there, Mac continued his gentle but firm campaign for her to share her health news with her boyfriend. She had resolved to tell him the truth but would only do so after the side effects had passed. In her reasoning she felt it would be less frightening or worrisome for him if he could be assured she was fine.

Dropping her purse on the breakfast bar and walking back to the bedroom she quickly stripped off her clothes and stood in front of the full length mirror. It was proving to be a challenge, to keep Patrick from seeing her naked body, but as the first splotches of discolouration had appeared four short days after her change in medication, she was determined to do so. On a completely shallow level she worried that he would lose interest in her if he saw them - that such a visible and ugly reminder of the virus coursing through her body - would make him re-thing being intimate with her and even whether or not it was worth it to love her. As she traced her fingers over the marks on her torso she thought it was hard enough to love herself when she looked like this.

After more than a week of mostly missing each other, she promised they would have some downtime together and had suggested a movie night. It would be low key enough to not drain her and wouldn't likely involve any food that would push her over the edge. She just needed to get through the next week or so and then she would be back on track.

Grabbing her robe from the back of the door, she walked into the bathroom and turned on the water. Once it was hot enough, she slipped into the shower and pulled the curtain over behind her. Closing her eyes, she let the spray wash over her and the heat from the water worked at unknotting her tired muscles. Her entire body was a ball of tension and she savoured the release the water brought. It was almost over - it was a phrase she kept repeating to herself over and over again.

xxxx  
Feeling better after his talk with Eric, Patrick closed the apartment door behind him and shrugged off his coat, tossing it on the rack. Spying Robin's purse, he called out to her but got no answer. Heading down the hallway and hearing the shower running a small smile formed on his lips. Dashing into the bedroom, he quickly toed off his shoes and tugged his sweatshirt over his head, tossing it on the bed before stepping out of his jeans. Clad only in his black boxer/briefs, he snuck into the bathroom and pulled the shower curtain back.

"Sh-showering together is good for the-" The words died on his lips as his eyes were drawn to small clusters of dark purple patches along her back and her shoulders. He felt as though he had just run head first into a wall.

Robin spun around in shock and tried in vain to wrap the shower curtain around her. "Get out!" she cried.

Patrick could not stop staring at the spots. His heart was thundering wildly in his chest and he was sure his legs were going to give way. "Wh-wh-what is going on?"

"GET OUT!" she cried again. "GET OUT!!"


	115. Chapter 122

**Chapter 122**

And the walls come tumblin' down

Patrick staggered backwards from the bathroom, pulling the door shut as he did so. With the hallway swirling around him, he groped along the wall trying to stay upright. His entire body trembled and shook as he pulled his jeans back on and reached for a t-shirt. Taking one shuddering breath after another, he stumbled out into the living room and sank onto a stool. He closed his eyes to try and steady himself but all he could see were the splotches strewn haphazardly across her beautiful golden skin. His stomach turned over on itself as he realized he finally had confirmation that something was terribly wrong.

Like a rushing wave threatening to run him over, he suddenly heard Robin's voice in his head:

_My protocol failed in 2002. My t-cells had started to plummet and I had a cough that I could not shake. My doctor at the time was much calmer than I was - he told me not to worry, that another combination of drugs - one that would put this virus back to sleep - was out there. I did not share his confidence" she said hoarsely, "because while there are few certainties in this disease, a failing immune system is one._

It took two tries - and nearly a month before he had found the right combination. Meantime my body fought the new drugs with everything they had. The first two weeks of the new protocol were particularly brutal - so much so that I took personal leave from work. I left a pillow and blanket in my bathroom as I seemed to spend as much time there as anywhere else in my apartment. Once the extreme nausea and paralyzing headaches stopped, I got the second gift of the new protocol - large purple spots all over my body. I was the only woman in the middle of a Parisian heatwave wearing a turtleneck. The fashionistas were outraged.

The Nurses Ball. Large purple spots. He suddenly saw her, standing at the podium in a dark raspberry coloured strapless dress, her claddagh necklace shining brightly. As he tried to process the memories slamming into his brain, he reached for her purse. Flicking open the clasp he rooted around inside until he curled his fingers around the pill bottles. As he pulled them from her purse, he closed his eyes and whispered. "Please no. Please no."

Opening his eyes he looked down at the prescriptions and felt the bile burn as it rose in his throat. Her protocol had been changed. Her protocol had failed. If her protocol failed, her viral load was climbing and that meant.....Unable to finish the though he was suddenly gasping for air as the pill bottles tumbled from his hand onto the counter.

How was it that she had not told him? Had he missed the signs? He slammed his eyes shut and tried to call upon other memories. Was there something else in the past that would make her think she could not trust him with this? That after being by his side through all of his health issues, she could not tell him hers? But the memories continued to exist just outside his reach and the harder he tried to pull them up, the further away they got from him. He slammed his hand down on the counter in frustration.

Picking up one of the bottles he looked down at the prescription date and felt his blood run cold. The new prescription was just over a week old which meant....he looked down at the hallway and then back at the bottle. There was simply no way she was working double shifts at the hospital. Not while starting this new regimine. He was familiar with the medication and its side effects - he was familiar with all the anti-retroviral treatments available on the market. When Robin had fallen sick during an encephalitis outbreak almost two years earlier and had come very close to succumbing to it, he had researched her current protocol and possible alternatives. As they had grown closer and his feelings for her deepened, he continued to read up on them knowing full well that this day would come; he had not expected it to come so soon.

Nor had he expected her to lie to him about it when it did come. If she was not working at the hospital, as she had claimed she was doing, where had she been? And who had she been with? Who was comforting her? Reassuring her? Who was she turning to, if not to him?

Sliding off the stool he began to pace.

xxxxx  
Robin slid down to the tub and pulling her legs to her chest, wrapped her arms around them and rocked gently back and forth as the water rained down over her; her tears mingled with the water. The one thing she had not wanted to happen had happened and now she was at a loss as to what to do next. Most of the time her disease existed in discussion rather than in tangibility. Outside of the precautions she took and her medication there were not a lot of reminders of HIV, let alone glimpses of what waited on the other side of the virus when all medication failed as it eventually would. But clusters of discolouration were an alarm bell to anyone who looked at her.

The look of horror on Patrick's face would be permanently etched in her mind. He would never be able to look at her the same way again and that was as heartbreaking as anything she had ever experienced. She knew she could not hide in the shower, that she owed him an explanation, but she did not know what she was going to say. All of her reasons for the choices she made seemed valid but now confronted with having to say them out loud, she began to doubt their validity.

Reaching up, she turned off the water and slowly, shakily, rose to her feet. She pulled the towel from the rack at the back of the shower and towelled herself off before wrapping her robe around her. She padded quickly to the bedroom and pulled on her yoga pants and the softest sweater she owned. Knowing there was harshness to come, it was somewhat comforting to have softness against her skin. Dragging a wide tooth comb through her hair and tugging out the knots, she pulled her damp hair into a low ponytail at the base of her neck.

Inhaling sharply she ran her hand over her face and made her way to the living room.

xxxx  
Wearing a path in to the hardwood floor as he paced, Patrick's head snapped up as he heard Robin step in to the room. Her jaw was set in determination as though she was girding herself for what was to come. He followed her gaze as her eyes found her pill bottles stood up side by side on the counter and her purse hanging open, its contents spilling out.

"You...you went through my purse?" she asked incredulously. It was a silly thing to be upset about but already feeling so vulnerable and exposed it only heightened her emotions.

"Y-y-you lied," he replied simply, his brown eyes blazing furiously. "I asked...you...wh-what was wrong. You said noth-th-thing."

"I wasn't ready to tell you."

Patrick violently shook his head. "You LIED!" he shouted. "To me!"

Robin folded her arms across her chest. "It's my health and my choices and it's not a lie not to tell you." She moved to the counter and angrily snapped up her medication shoving it back in her purse and closing her purse shut.

He scoffed as he rolled his eyes. His blood was thumping angrily through his veins and as his mind raced with a hundred things he wanted to say at once, he found his mouth would not cooperate. Snatching up his board he scribbled furiously.

_You weren't at work. You lied about double shifts. Where were you?_

"I'm adjusting to the medication and my viral load seems to be stabilizing - thanks for asking" she shot back, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"You j-just said your health n-n-not my business," he spat.

"Just like yours wasn't any of mine. You kept your tumour a secret from me for MONTHS! MONTHS! All I wanted was a little time to get used to this and suddenly I'm the bad guy here?"

Patrick's eyes widened in shock. He had no idea that he had kept it a secret though hearing it now, he knew she was telling the truth. "P-p-payback?"

"No!" she shouted angrily. "I just needed some time."

"You st-t-till lied to me!" He was having great difficulty getting past the idea that after everything they had shared she could not or would not trust him.

"Fine, yes I lied! Do you feel better now? Because clearly this is all about you and your reaction and your feelings."

Patrick shook his head and reached for his marker again. _This is about US! When a lie infects a relationship, the relationship cannot be the same again. You must think I am really stupid - I knew something was off and I gave you every opportunity to come clean but you just kept lying. To lie is to hold the other person in such contempt that you don't feel they are worthy of the truth. _

"Don't you dare" she hissed, "don't you dare get self-righteous with me about the truth. I wouldn't even be in this situation if it wasn't for you!"

"Wh-what?" Shocked, he felt his knees tremble and unable to stay upright any longer, he sank on the arm of the couch and stared at her in disbelief. You don't trust me, do you? His writing was shaky and getting harder to read.

"Do you blame me? After everything you did you expect me to trust you with this and count on you?" Hot, angry tears streamed down her face.

"What I do?!" he yelled. "WHAT I DO?"

"You LEFT! You FUCKING LEFT ME!" she hurled. "LIKE A FUCKING COWARD, you LEFT!"

All the air rushed from Patrick's body and sharp white spots appeared in front of his eyes. Short painful images began to flash in his mind: holding on to Robin for dear life, throwing his clothes in a suitcase, walking away from her. He looked over at the door and suddenly, as though watching a movie, saw himself walking through the door, suitcase in hand with the sound of Robin's sobbing echoing in his ears.

"No" he whispered, wishing it wasn't true but knowing, as a cold sweat trickled down his back, it was.

"Yes" she insisted angrily. "You were ready to give up and die and you left. I wasn't enough to keep you here and to keep you fighting. Just like everyone else in my life you left - left me all alone after pro-promising to love me" she sobbed, gasping for breath. All the pain and the fear of the last few months came tumbling out like a wound that had been lanced.

He was sure he was going to vomit. Shining lights in dark corners often revealed things you did not want to know. Swallowing thickly, he rose unsteadily to his feet and walked towards her. He needed to touch her - for himself but also for her. "R-r-robin" he whispered tearfully.

She continued to gulp for air and moved out of his reach, batting his hand away. "Don't you touch me," she cried. "I...I can't trust you. I love you but I can't trust you. And I can't be here right now." Her stomach pitched and rolled and she knew she had only a few minutes before she would be driven to her knees with painful stomach cramps.

"I-I sorry" he told her, urgently reaching for her again. "I l-l-love you."

"I can't be here" she repeated.

Grabbing hold of her purse, she sprinted for the door. Patrick ran after her as best he could but in his current state was no match for his girlfriend who was trying to outrun the past and the present all at once. Standing at the entrance of the apartment building, he watched in sickening disbelief as her car pulled from the lot and disappeared from sight. As though encased in cement, he walked back to the apartment in a slow daze. Kicking the door shut behind him, he slid down to the floor and held his head in his hands.

Could he really have cheated death and disability only to lose the one thing that mattered most to him?


	116. Chapter 123

**Chapter 123**

If I can just get through this lonesome day

As tears streamed steadily down her face, Robin was grateful her car knew the route as there was no way she could consciously navigate the familiar streets. She had suffered heartbreak before but this was quite possibly the first time her heart shattered. In one of her most difficult moments, grace, kindness and compassion had all deserted her and she felt as though she had betrayed herself. Had she really told him her failing protocol was his fault? Had she really tried to make him responsible for something that was not his?

She shook her head as her car turned down the well worn street. She had walked out - run out really - and had no idea if she was giving up or taking a break. A noisy discordant symphony played loudly in her head and she could not hear herself think.

Placing the car in park she rifled through her purse for her key and finally finding it, bolted from the car to the front door. Sliding her key in the lock, she slipped inside the house and called out for anyone who might be home. Relieved in many ways to be alone, she climbed the stairs and shuffled down the hall to her room. Even after all these years Mac had kept her room free for her. There were a few extra things stored in there and a desk had replaced the vanity that once filled the far wall but her bed was still there, many of her photos still graced the walls and most importantly, it still felt like home.

Toeing off her shoes, she pulled back the covers and crawled into bed. Her stomach was cramped, as though being slowly stabbed with hot pokers but as her chest heaved with silent sobs, she thought it was a manageable pain compared to what her heart felt like.

When Patrick walked out he had taken a large part of her with him and she had built new, stronger walls around what was left. It had seen her through his cardiac arrest, his two surgeries, his memory loss and his aphasia but it was not enough to get her through this. She was out of strength to power her way through yet another hurdle and that made her furious but what was galling to her was that she had taken all of her anger out on Patrick.

She had reason to be angry with him – there were unresolved issues such as his walking out – but what she had laid at his feet was so much more than that. Personal accountability was something she believed in strongly, at times her need to stick to that principle had caused her great pain but it was so much of who she was that she could not let it go even to save herself some grief. And was why she found her own behaviour with Patrick so puzzling and devastating. There was absolutely nothing she could say or do that would take back what she said. Forgiveness could not be possible. She had taken the one true thing in her life and blown it to bits because she was afraid, embarrassed and angry.

She tightened her grip around her stomach and pulled her legs to her chest trying to make herself as small as possible. She was half tempted to pull the covers over her head and just stay there until the world made sense again though she was not convinced it ever could.

She hated her disease. Hated it. She would go for long periods of time where she believed she was in control, that she ran her disease and not the other way around. But inevitably, the virus would wake up and remind her that she had no control over the situation. It would scream at her that she could take all the pills she wanted, she could invoke all the precautions she needed to live as full a life as possible but at the end of the day, it owned her.

Tears of consequence, tears of sadness, tears of anger, hurt and betrayal all gushed down her face and dampened the pillow under her head. She should have known that meningioma was never going to take Patrick from her, not so long as she could ruin it all by herself.  
Rolling on to her back and staring up at the ceiling, she clenched her eyes shut as much to wish it all away as stem the tide of tears.

Opening her eyes, she took one breath and then another trying to slow everything down. She would start over, there was no question about that, she always started over. She was just sick to death of having to.

She reached for the teddy bear perched on the far corner of the bed and hugged it tightly to her chest, crying into its soft fur. A shattered heart was infinitely worse than a broken one. With a broken heart you just glued it back together and got on with it. When a heart shattered you first had to find all the pieces of it and then figure out how to make them all fit once more. And sometimes they just didn't.

xxxxx

Patrick pulled himself up from the floor and started to pace once again. Anger gave way to fear and fear was giving way to heartache. Picking up one of the throw cushions that lay haphazardly on the corner of the couch, he started to literally pound the stuffing out of it.  
Smack. Smack. Smack.

He left. He did what he always did when things got tough – he ran. And in running he destroyed the foundation of his relationship with Robin. How could have been so stupid? How could he have ever believed that running away from her would be better for him than staying with her?

Smack. Smack. Smack.

Who had he become in the months before his surgery? Who was he to beat up on his father? To run out on the only woman he ever loved? To put her in a position where her health would be compromised? He had always been a selfish person, he knew that about himself, but he had never imagined himself a cruel one.

Smack. Smack. Smack.

Feathers started to float gracefully to the ground as his fist continued to bury itself in the soft cotton covering. He needed to know more. Even in the very little he remembered what was missing was the emotions. How had felt, how others had felt – he couldn't access that and without that context many of the memories were meaningless. He had made a list of things he wanted to do with her before he died and he wrote his father a letter telling him he forgave him. How did that reconcile with the terrible things he did? He had finally found someone who believed him worthy of being loved, who felt what he had to offer was worth taking a chance on and he had destroyed it. How could he have been so careless?

Smack. Smack. Smack.

Her protocol failed. The drugs that kept her alive failed and she needed new ones. The vice grip on his heart tightened and he sank onto the couch letting the beaten pillow tumble aimlessly to the floor. She must be terrified. She must be terrified because he was. He was not ready to accept that her HIV wasn't dormant, that it wasn't contained and leaving her alone.

_I wish there had been an option for you._

He had told her that when he received his first dose of PEP. She had glued herself to his side and made sure he would not be alone as the demons and nightmares took hold. And they did. He dreamt of his death, of wasting away, he dreamt of losing everything that mattered to him but he would wake up and she would be there. He remembered that as clearly as if he were living it now. And here she was facing her own demons and nightmares and she could not tell him about it because he given her every reason not to trust him. Her life had been marked by people who left her and he was just one more name to add to the list.

He didn't know what to do but he knew that he needed to fix it. Fishing his phone out of his pocket, he flipped it open and texted the one person who would know what to do.

xxxx

Hearing the insistent knocking at the door he glanced down at his watch. 15 minutes. That had to be some kind of record. Rising tiredly to his feet, he shuffled to the front door and offered a weak smile as he opened it.

"Patty, what's wrong?" Noah asked, searching his face for a sign, any sign. The text had been simple. I need you. I'm in trouble. Six words were all it took to drop everything and break every speed limit to get to the apartment.

His eyes were huge and haunted as he stood out of the way to let his father in. Speaking was out of the question, there wasn't a word he could form. Knowing that, he had written out what he wanted to tell his father and picking up his white board, he handed it to him.

_Robin's protocol failed. She's on a new one and hid it from me. I found out and confronted her. We fought – she said she couldn't tell me because I destroyed her trust when I left her. I ran out on her. Her protocol failed and it's my fault and I don't know what to do to make it better. _

Noah's heart sank as he read the board. Taking his son by the elbow he led him to the couch. Seeing the throw cushion with more feathers outside of it rather than in it, he smirked to himself. At least there was still some fire in his son and that was, by any measure, a good sign.

"I am so sorry about Robin's protocol" he told him. "That is scary news for both of you."

Taking the board back, Patrick underlined the portion about it being his fault and handed it back to his father. Noah shook his head.

"No. There is simply no way this is your fault. We are all responsible for our own decisions and choices in life Patrick – including your choice to run away to New York." Noah was grateful that secret was out though he had wished it had not been revealed in a way that was so damaging to both of them.

"Robin's failed protocol is because of the virus, because of how long she has been on the medication not because of anything you did."

_Robin said_

Noah covered his son's hand with his own. "Robin was probably angry and scared and lashing out."

Patrick sat completely still for several minutes, almost too paralyzed by fear to ask the next, the obvious question. Raising his hand, he touched the Michael the Archangel medal and reminded himself that hiding from the truth was always a losing proposition.

_Why did I run away?_ His eyes welled with tears as he looked up at his father, there was pleading in them as he wanted to know.

Noah blew out his cheeks and leaned back against the couch. He rubbed his hand along his jaw and feeling the stubble realized in his haste to get to his son he had not finished shaving.

"Because you were sure you were going to die. Because you had to go on chemo. Because you were so afraid of having her watch you die that you thought it would be easier on both of you to leave and die alone."

Patrick chewed on his bottom lip, angrily swiping at the lone tear that escaped down his cheek.

_How could I have ever thought that would be easier? How could I have  
beaten you up? Who the hell was I?_

Noah smiled sympathetically. The journey of self-discovery was never an easy one but it was significantly more difficult when doing it in reverse.

"You were a young man whose personality was altered by a large mass in his brain. You were a son who was scared of dying the way his mother did and you were a man in love afraid of leaving the only woman you have ever loved."

_I was a disaster._ Patrick felt deflated and let down by the person he was. How Robin had even found it in herself to come after him after he did the one thing to her he swore he would never do was beyond him.

Noah fixed his son with a steady look. "You did then what you were able to do and that's all anyone can ask."

He clenched his eyes shut. His head was pounding and he was exhausted by the revelations of the past and of the present. He wanted to go to bed and pull the covers over his head but it wasn't an option.

_What do I do? _

"You first need to accept that you aren't going to be able to process this all in 30 seconds. Patrick you were just told some very unsettling news both about Robin and yourself and it's going to take you days, maybe even weeks to work through that."

_What do I do about Robin?_ He wrote, underlining her name. He would deal with everything else somehow, but he needed her.

"Do you love her?" he asked him quietly.

Patrick scoffed in disbelief that the question was even being asked. "M-m-more … than…anyth-th-thing."

Noah nodded. He knew the answer before he asked the question but he needed his son to express it.

"Then you go get her."


	117. Chapter 124

**Chapter 124**

You were meant for me

Mac's house was his first stop and as the taxi pulled up to the driveway, unspeakable relief washed over him when he saw Robin's car. Standing on the doorstep, his hand shook slightly as he raised it to knock on the door. He had little idea what was waiting for him on the other side but the one thing he did know was that his father was right. He had to get her. He needed her to come home. They could fight, scream, stop talking to each other, whatever but they needed to do it at home, together.

The knowledge that he ran out on her, regardless of his reasons for doing it, was like a kick to the gut. He could be cocky and arrogant but underneath that veneer of indifference what mattered to him most was taking care of the people who mattered to him. For a long time there had been few names on that list of people that mattered but when he added Robin's name to it everything changed and he was not ready to give that up.

He had barely knocked when the door pulled open and Mac greeted him with a glare.

"Is there something you want?" he asked, blocking his path.

Patrick nodded. "R-robin."

The police commissioner scoffed. "What did you do to her?" He had had his fill of people hurting his niece and he would be damned if he was going to let it continue. "Got a look at what life with an HIV+ person is like and decided it was too much? After everything she did for you?"

Patrick shook his head. "Wh-what? N-no." Mac folded his arm across his chest and gave him an incredulous look.

The muscle in Patrick's jaw flinched in frustration as he tried to speak but his tongue was uncooperative. Reaching into his jacket he pulled out a small pad and a pen. It was humiliating to have to converse in notes. It was hard enough with the people who loved him but having to plead his case in writing to others outside his tight knit circle was mortifying.

_She never told me her protocol failed. I found out by accident this afternoon and we fought and she ran out. I need to see her – and she needs to see me whether you believe it or not._

Mac twisted his mouth to the side and exhaled slowly. When he came home and saw Robin's car in the driveway he had assumed that she was just stopping by as she had taken to doing in the last week. He had started to panic when he didn't find her on the couch or in the kitchen. When he found her in her old room, clutching a teddy bear, eyes swollen and puffy he believed the worst; that she had finally found a way to tell Patrick about her change in protocol and he had rejected her. He had been bitterly disappointed as he had come to like the young doctor quite a bit and felt he was a good match for his niece.

He was somewhat relieved to know his assumptions were wrong but that did little to quell the concern he had for Robin and the toll everything was taking on her.

"Do you love her?"

It was a monumental effort on his part not to roll his eyes at being asked that question for a second time. Had he really done such a terrible job of letting her and others know that he loved her – loved her beyond reason?

"A th-thousand times yes" he stated as confidently as he could.

Mac looked him up and down and stepped out the way to let him through. As Patrick crossed over the threshold, Mac put his hand on his shoulder. "She's upstairs sleeping."

He nodded his thanks and started to move in the direction of the staircase but Mac pulled him back a second time. "If you hurt her in any way I will completely abuse my authority as Police Commissioner and have you arrested and locked up for a week on trumped up charges. Capiche?"

"Yes" he answered quietly, trying to hold back from sprinting up the stairs to Robin. The delay was probably a good thing because beyond "getting her" he had yet to figure out what he would say or how he would make her understand how much he loved her and needed her in his life.

Slowly and a little unsteadily he climbed the stairs to her room. He quietly pushed open the door and a small gasp escaped from the back of his throat as he spied her curled into a ball underneath the bedcovers. Her eyes were rimmed bright pink and they were swollen with the remnants of a river of tears that had been shed. She seemed small and despite her stature he had never thought of her as small. His heart was threatening to leap from his chest and all he wanted to do was crawl into bed with her, take her in his arms and love her senselessly.

But would he be welcome?

Not wanting to hazard a guess at that particular answer, he padded across the floor, installing himself in the chair by the desk and waited. He had waited a lifetime for a love like hers – waited for it without knowing it – a few minutes more was worth it.

He liked the way her long, brown hair fanned out around against the peach pillow case. Blondes had always been his thing with the occasional redhead thrown in for fiery fun. Brunettes had never really captured his attention until she threw open the doors to that OR and burst into his life.

It had not taken him long, after meeting her, to figure out that it would be a losing cause to play poker with her. She had a way of keeping her face and her eyes neutral in almost any situation. He had, at first, assumed that she was largely indifferent to the world around her which was why he set out to aggravate her and annoy her as much as possible. He was desperate to provoke a reaction from her. But after they started to spend time together and she slowly peeled away the layers to reveal the amazing person she was, he understood that rather than being indifferent, she felt things very deeply but trusted few with that knowledge.

She had trusted him once and he would do everything he could to make sure she did so again.

Her long lashes fluttered against her cheeks and she inhaled sharply as she pried open her eyes. She gave a small stretch and rubbed the back of her neck before looking around the room. Her heart thundered against her ribs as her eyes landed on Patrick. Blinking rapidly, she pulled herself to a sitting position but kept the covers tightly around her.

"Hi" he greeted her softly, with a weak smile.

She sucked on her bottom lip before answering. "Hi."

"I…I…I'm s-s-sorry."

She shook her head and closed her eyes. She didn't want his kindness - it was too much to take after what she had said to him. She had always been taught to guard her anger carefully as things said in the heat of the moment were not excused because of it. And she had said terrible things to him in anger.

"Don't apologize, please" she pleaded. "Just go."

"No."

Her eyes snapped open and she stared at him; she could see the resolution and determination in his eyes but she dared not hope that it was more than him doing what he felt he should do in light of everything. With her legs pressed to her chest she tucked her hair behind her ears and dropped her gaze.

"Patrick – we can't….I was wrong in what I said to you but I don't think we should be together. You can have the apartment and I'll stay here with Mac until I sort something out."

"Do…you….love….me?" he asked haltingly. If he had been asked the question twice in one day, perhaps it bared being asked again.  
Robin looked off to the side and tiredly ran her hand over her face. Loving him was the not the problem. She was the problem.

"It's not-"

He cut her off. "Do….you……l-l-love me?" he repeated with great effort.

"Yes" she whispered, still not looking at him.

He blew out his cheeks in relief. For a brief moment he thought it was possible she didn't love him, that she had stayed with him because she had to but now had her 'get out of jail' free card. Hearing her reaffirm that she did made everything possible once again. Pushing himself out of the chair, he moved to the bed and sat on the far end of it. He could reach out and touch her but he held back.

"I…l-l-love you."

"You can't" she whispered tearfully.

He furrowed his brow in confusion and reached for his pad of paper. _Why not?_

Robin read the note and exhaled shakily. "Because. Because I told you it was your fault that my protocol failed which is impossible. Because you feel obligated to stay with me after everything. Because you can't….you just can't love me."

A bitter lump formed in his throat as he stared at her. It was reminiscent of how she was after April Gilbert's death and a torrent of emotions enveloped her. She was flailing about in distress then as she was now and much like that period he wanted to be the one she held on to.

_YOU ARE NOT MY OBLIGATION!_ He wrote. _I love you because you are kind and generous and strong and giving. I love you because you stood by me when I fell apart and you help me pick up the pieces. I love you because you're Robin Scorpio and you were meant for me_.

Fresh tears streamed from her puffy eyes as she read the paper and she pressed her forehead to her knees. "You just can't."

"Y-yes. I….can." He moved closer to her on the bed and hastily scribbled another note.

_I know we have so much to work through and we will. I was wrong to leave you when I was sick and I don't understand how I could have done that but I did and I'm sorry. We will work through all of it – together – at home._

She shook her head. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why?"

He had to get through to her. He needed to find a way past her defenses and he worried that if he didn't, if he couldn't convince her now that he would never be able to and this great, wondrous love they had would whimper away into the night.

Her head shot up and narrowing her eyes, she glared at him. "You CAN'T love me like this" she shouted. Lifting up her sweater she revealed the small clusters of purple marking her torso. "You CANNOT LOVE ME, like this" she cried.

Patrick said nothing for several long, torturous seconds. He slowly unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it open. He thumped the tattoo over his heart while looking at her. "Yes…I….c-c-can. And I do."

"No" she told him hoarsely, with little conviction in her voice. She wanted to dive in to his arms but couldn't bring herself to let go. Letting go meant trusting that he would be there, trusting that she was going to be strong and she was low on trust at the moment.

_I had a seizure, in a hotel room, and you were there. You took care of me and weren't scared off. We're a team and I'm not scared of spots on your body. I am scared of losing you. _

Robin looked up in surprise. "Do you…do you remember the seizure or did someone tell you?"

"Remember" he told her proudly. The memory had come to him in the taxi ride over and while he could not quite place the hotel room, everything else was incredibly vivid to him.

She smiled tearfully. "That's great news."

"C-c-come home" he told her, moving closer again.

Robin shook her head. "Patrick-"

He tapped his tattoo again. "Come h-h-home."

She looked up at him, eyes swimming in tears unspent and she was at a loss as to what to do next. Her heart and her head were warring with each other and she could not move with all the noise they were making.

Making one more move forward, he cupped her face with his hands, his thumbs swiping at the trail of tears. Dipping his head he softly, tenderly closed his mouth over hers and kissed her with every fibre of his being.

She was stunned at first but his kiss was lovingly insistent and she was unable to resist her feelings for him. Hooking her hands around his neck, she returned his kiss, pressing her body against his.

Breathlessly they broke apart and he rested his forehead against hers, his lips hovering over hers.

"H-home…with…m-me."

Too overcome to speak she simply nodded and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly.


	118. Chapter 125

**Chapter 125**

May your strength give us strength

As Patrick kicked the door shut behind them, Robin looked up at him and shook her head. "You really shouldn't be carrying me" she told him softly.

Patrick merely cocked an eyebrow in response as he walked down the hallway to the bedroom. He laid her gently on the bed and removed her jacket. Having slung it on the back of the chair he turned his attention to her boots, tugging them off and letting them drop to the ground with a thud. Moving up the bed he unzipped her jeans and slid them down her legs, placing them on top of the jacket. He motioned for her to lift her arms up and he pulled her sweater off leaving her in a tank top and underwear.

Robin could not take her eyes off of him as moved about the room, folding her clothes and putting them away. As he approached the bed again, he pulled back the covers and with a small jerk of his head, asked her to get underneath them.

"Patrick, you don't-" she began.

"My t-t-turn" he interjected. "T-take care of y-you."

Robin's chest tightened and felt herself inching closer to tears yet again. She was tired of crying and tired of trying to stay in motion when every fibre of her being was exhausted. Somehow he seemed to know that too and despite his own ongoing recovery and the deep wound of hurled accusations, he was going to take care of her. Forgiveness was a guiding principle in her life even if she had given more of it than she had received. Having not always been absolved of her transgressions, it was daunting for her to be in the face of such unconditional love.

Patrick kicked off his shoes, stepped out of his jeans and quickly removed his shirt before crawling into bed with her. His arms slid easily around her drawing her to him. He pressed his lips to her forehead in a long, lingering kiss. He kissed her under one eye, then the other, whisking away the salty tears that had pooled there. He moved to her left cheek, then her right one and by the time his mouth near hers, her lips were groping for his in anticipation of the kiss she knew was to come.

With infinite tenderness he closed his mouth over hers and kissed her, his tongue coaxing her lips apart. He could feel the tension in her body and knew she was fighting with herself to give in or pull away. He trailed his fingers through her hair, getting lost in its silkiness as his tongue continued to explore her mouth. He pushed his body against hers, not in anticipation of going further but so that she could really believe he was there, in the moment with her.

He reluctantly let go of her lips and softly stroked her cheek with his thumb as he searched her eyes for some clue as to how she was feeling.

Fingering her swollen lips, Robin looked up at him with a small smile. He had managed to get on the other side of her walls from the very beginning and he was there once again. She had pushed as hard as she could and he was still with her. Snaking her arms around his waist she pulled herself flush against him and exhaled.

"Kiss me again" she quietly demanded.

Smiling, Patrick looked to her mouth and then to her eyes. Cupping her face with both hands he fastened his mouth to hers and kissed her passionately.

"Love you" he whispered against her mouth.

Sighing in both relief and reassurance, Robin brought her head to rest against his chest and snuggled in tightly feeling, for the time being at least, safe in the arms of love.

xxxx

Eric had barely walked through the door of the lake house when Alexis bounded to him and had him pushed up against the wall, seizing his mouth in a hot, hard kiss. Dropping his knapsack to the floor, he closed his arms around her and returned her kiss with alacrity.

Panting as they pulled away, he grinned at her. "It's almost like you missed me or something."

The apples of her cheeks blushed brightly and she smiled sheepishly. "You've been gone two whole days" she offered as explanation. "How was New York?"

Having hung up his coat in the closet, he reached for her hand and led her to the couch. Settling down, he pulled her to his lap and curled his arm around her waist. "It was good. I got all my remaining shifts covered, the loft is rented and I have a whole week off before I start at GH. Whatever will I do with my free time?" he asked teasingly, waggling his eyebrows.

"Oh I have a few ideas" she answered throatily.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Glancing over his shoulder in the direction of the bedroom and then back at Alexis, a sly grin appeared on his face. "Where are the girls?"

"Viola is taking them to a movie."

He nuzzled her neck, breathing in her heady scent. "I like movies" he mumbled against her skin. "It gives us time."

Sliding from his lap, she pulled him to his feet and started to drag him in the direction of the bedroom. "So right. Let's not waste a minute."

There had been a marked shift in their relationship since her doctor's appointment. Cancer had been a very solitary and isolating experience for her and so much of her life had fallen to pieces all at once that she just got used to doing everything on her own. But his presence and then his unabashed joy at her being given a three month all clear had driven home to her how incredibly special this relationship was. Whereas before she was letting down her defences one brick at a time, she was now taking a sledgehammer to them, wanting to share herself completely.

She shrieked as he picked her up, tossing her over his shoulder and raced back to the bedroom dropping her playfully on the bed. Her fingers moved at a furious pace undoing his buttons and tugging his shirt from his body. Eric looked at her with a mixture of amusement and love, ecstatic at her exuberance.

As she shifted back on the bed he crawled towards her pulling her skirt down her legs. His blue eyes went wide with shock when he realized she was not wearing any underwear.

"You're a bad, bad girl" he commented, dropping a kiss between her legs.

"You have yet to begin to see bad" she replied in a strangled voice as his tongue curled around her sensitive bundle of nerves.

His hands slid under her blouse, teasing her skin as they worked their way up to her breasts. He palmed them, loving the weight of them in his hands. Quickly withdrawing his hands, he worked on the buttons of her blouse as she attached her lips to his shoulder, nipping at him.

As her blouse fell away, he paused and gently pulled back.

Feeling him move away, Alexis looked up in surprise. "What? Why are you stopping?"

He looked at her torso and then at her, smiling wryly. "Alexis, did you have a fever in the last few days?"

She furrowed her brow. "What?"

"A fever – did you have one? Did either of the girls?"

"How do you know these things?" she asked.

"Because I'm brilliant," he replied. "And I'm pretty sure that's chicken pox" He pointed to several red spots that dotted her torso.

"WHAT?" she exclaimed, jumping from the bed and examining herself in the mirror. "I can't have chicken pox."

Propping himself up on his elbow, he smiled. "Have you ever had it? Have the girls?"

"No" she answered slowly, touching the small blisters. "I didn't have these when I took my shower."

Getting off the bed, Eric reached for his shirt and pulled it back on quickly doing it up. Walking behind her and sliding his arms around her waist, he kissed her shoulder. "I'm going to guess that the girls will be coming home sooner rather than later and they will not be feeling so well. I think you should get into your pyjamas and get into bed. I'm going to call your oncologist and have him order an anti-viral for you. You're not going to be feeling very well either pretty soon."

Turning around in his arms, her bottom lip jutted out in a pout. "But I have plans for you."

He nipped at her lips. "I promise to let you make it up to me but right now the most important thing is for you to rest."

She sighed in disappointment. "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired" she complained.

"I know" he acknowledged softly. "But your immune system isn't up to snuff yet and I don't want you getting knocked off your feet by a virus."

"Will you…will you stay?" she asked hesitantly.

"Every step of the way" he promised before stealing a quick kiss. "Now, I think you better get into your pyjamas because the girls will be home-"

He was cut off by the sound of Kristina, Molly and Viola coming through the front door. Alexis scurried to her dresser and pulled out a pair of flannel pyjama pants and quickly yanked a t-shirt over her head.

"Mommy!" Kristina called. "Mommy!"

Hand in hand they left the bedroom and headed down the hall the family room. Seeing them come around the corner, Kristina ran to her mother's open arms.

"Mommy, I have itchies" she said plaintively, pointing to the red spots on her arms. "Molly too."

Molly squirmed from Viola's arms and ran to Eric. "Ewic, look!" She held out her arms showing her rash.

He scooped her up in his arms and kissed her forehead. "Is it scratchy Molly?"

"Yeah"

"Mommy has them too" Alexis said, showing her rash on her belly. "It's chicken pox."

Kristina pulled on her bottom lip as she settled into her mother's arms. "Does Eric have it too?"

He shook his head. "I don't. I had chicken pox when I was a little boy so I won't get it again. But if it's okay with you guys I can stay here and take care of you."

Molly beamed and nodded forcefully.

"Kristina, is that okay with you?" Alexis asked.

"Can we watch movies and stuff?"

"Of course we can pumpkin," she answered.

"Okay then" she agreed.

Eric smiled and gave a quick wink to his girlfriend. "Okay then. So here are the rules – everyone has to be in their pyjamas, we're going to have lots of nap time and I promise to make some yummy soup. Deal?"

"Deal!" Molly and Kristina said together. The older girl climbed down from her mother's lap and reached for her sister. "Come on Molly – we hafta get into our pjs." The two girls headed to their room hand in hand.

As Eric watched them go, Alexis gently touched his leg and smiled. "Thank you" she whispered.

"No thanks needed" he told her, thinking how nice it was to be part of a family again, even for just a little while.

xxxxx  
Robin stretched out; eyes clenched shut, letting the tiles from the bathroom floor cool her off. The room was spinning and the only way to make it stop was to lie flat on the floor. Her medication was still forcing her to spend more time in the bathroom than anywhere else. Every time she thought it was under control, it would come back and drive her from the bed or to the couch.

At Patrick's urging, she had called Alan who made a house call. He sympathized with her discomfort but reassured her the medication was working and she just needed to get through a few more days and she would start to feel significantly better. There was good news to be had but she was having a hard time focusing on it as she munched on yet another piece of dry toast.

It had been two days since Patrick found out about her failed protocol. It had been two days since she ran out and he ran after her. There were still so many hurdles they needed to get over but Patrick seemed uninterested in addressing them until she was feeling better. At first she thought it felt like obligation but in a moment of clarity she understood that this was what love felt like – really felt like.

She smiled as she heard the door to the bathroom creak open. He was never far from her side and instead of feeling smothered by it as she normally would, she felt strengthened by it. Hearing him bustle around the bathroom she slowly pried open one eye.

"What are you doing?"

Patrick said nothing as he continued to busy himself. It had not escaped her notice that his ability to speak was directly related to his stress level and his fatigue. In the last day he had relied more on the dry erase board than she knew he liked to, giving her an indication of just how tired he was.

Finished setting up, he sat beside her on the floor patted her leg. Turning her head to the side, she started to laugh as she saw the small television and dvd player he had set up on a stool by the sink.

"You must think I'm in here for the long haul" she teased. It felt good to laugh; she viewed it as a way to push the darkness further from sight.

He wrote:

_I have all seven seasons of the West Wing ready to go. __We'll__ stay in here as long as we have to._

She smiled at his underlined word. "I love you – you're a big giant goof and I love you" she told him.

"Th-thank you" he grinned. Picking up the remote control, he pressed play and the sweeping notes of the music filled the bathroom.

Feeling a little less dizzy, Robin pulled herself to a sitting position and crawled into his lap. Patrick's arms instinctively closed around her and he kissed the top of her head.

Tilting her head to the side, she looked up and smiled. "You make me feel less crazy" she said kindly.

Patrick shook his head. "Not crazy. B-b-brave."

Entwining her fingers through his, she stared ahead at the television. "I don't feel very brave," she admitted. "Like this – living on my bathroom floor – I feel….weak."

Patrick was quiet for several beats before slowly disentangling his fingers from hers. Reaching inside his shirt, he pulled out the Michael the Archangel medallion that had already seen him through so much – more than he even realized – and placed it around her neck. Dipping his head, he kissed the soft spot just under her ear.

"N-not weak. Warrior" he whispered.


	119. Chapter 126

**Chapter 126**

May your hope give us hope

"You should be sleeping" Eric admonished kindly as he climbed into bed with her.

Her eyes were heavy and her entire body ached. As he had predicted she and her daughters were all feeling miserable in the grips of the chicken pox. It had been a restless night for everyone and day two wasn't showing any signs of getting better.

"I can't" she rasped.

Lying on his side, propped up on his elbow, he stroked her cheek. "What's up?" he asked softly.

Staring straight ahead, she chewed on her bottom lip. Even though she had asked him to stay she found it difficult to let him take care of her. It was a constant internal battle for her to accept his support without worrying that it would be snatched away the moment she started to rely on it. She knew he wasn't like her ex-husband or previous lovers but those battle wounds ran deep and were not easily forgotten.

"Are the girls okay?" she asked.

"Itchy and Scratchy are fine," he reassured her teasingly. "They're both sound asleep in their beds." He pressed a kiss to her temple. "Tell me what's got you so tied up in knots"

She inhaled sharply. It was part of the Cassadine DNA not to demonstrate weakness in front of others but from the first moment she had met him, her vulnerability had been on display. She hated that but at the same time recognized how carefully he had been with her.

"Tell me again" she asked him, finally meeting his eyes. "Tell me again that this isn't going to make my cancer come back."

"Aww Lexi" he sighed. Moving right up against her he draped his arm across her waist and kissed her neck.

He knew all too well the doubts and uncertainties that could overwhelm a person after a long illness. It took time to accept that a cold was just a cold and not a fast track back to chemo. And though he had already reassured her several times he understood that it was not easy to believe.

"You're going to feel miserable for a few more days. Your skin is going keep itching and your appetite is going to be questionable but I promise the chicken pox isn't going to make your cancer come back."

Dropping her gaze, she smiled sheepishly. "I may need you to tell me a few more times before all this is over."

Smiling, he bussed her lips. "I will tell you as many times as you need to hear it. You know what else I'll tell you?"

"What?" The corners of her mouth twitched up into a smile at his playful tone.

"That I love you."

Burying her head against his shoulder she exhaled. "Have I mentioned how glad I am you're here?"

"You have" He kissed he cheek. "But you can also show me how grateful you are when you're better" he teased. Alexis slid her arms around his waist and curled her body into his. "Go to sleep now, okay? Everything is under control."

"'Kay" she mumbled sleepily, encouraged by the warmth of his body.  
Alexis hadn't been asleep very long when the bedroom door creaked open. Lifting his head from the pillow where he had been dozing, Eric saw Kristina creeping in, pulling her blanket behind her.

"Hey Kristina" he whispered, getting out of bed. "You okay?"

She shook her head. "My tummy hurts"

"I'm sorry sweetie" he told her sympathetically, "do you want me to get you some gingerale?"

She nodded, sliding her hand through his. "And can I watch a Dora video?"

"Sure"

He led her out of the bedroom so Alexis could rest and got her set up on the couch. He tucked her blanket around her and popped in a dvd before heading to the kitchen for something to settle her stomach.

Returning with a mug of gingerale, he handed it to her and sat down beside her. The young girl sipped the gingerale before setting the mug down. Much to Eric's surprise, she grabbed her blanket and snuggled into his lap. He closed his arm around her, soothingly rubbing her back and kissed the top of her head.

Having already fallen head over heels for Alexis he now found he was falling in love with her family. His head was screaming at him to be careful but his heart was full and blocking out the noise.

xxxxx

As Alan had predicted, her body had begun to adjust to the medication and while she was still exhausted from both the change in protocol and everything that came before, she was feeling better than she had in quite some time.

Patrick had moved the television from the bathroom to the bedroom and they had spent the last two days in bed watching movies and sleeping. The complete rest was proving to be beneficial for both of them and Robin was relishing the time to just be with each other.

During a break in their movie marathon, Patrick had raised the issue of making love. She knew the conversation was inevitable and as difficult as it was for her to admit it, she told him the real reason she had turned him down the last time – that with her change in viral load, his risk also changed and she could not let him take it without being fully informed. She also admitted, rather awkwardly, that she did not feel desirable; that the discolouration of her skin, which was beginning to fade, was too stark a reminder of her illness.

All the while she had been speaking he had held her hand, bringing it to his lips and he had threaded his legs through hers, joining them together. He had reached for his white board and told her that his attraction for her had not waned and that his disease was a part of her, not who she was and when she was ready he would show her over and over again how desirable she was.

Reading those words had flipped her heart over in her chest and she once again marvelled at having found a man like him.

"Are you crying?" Robin asked, trying to sneak a look at him.

Patrick clenched his eyes shut. "N-no"

"Oh my god! You are! You're crying over Rose and Jack!"

"Sh-shut it" he told her teasingly.

They were alternating movie choices and when it had been Robin's turn she picked 'Titanic' eliciting a vocal protest of groans and grousing from Patrick. Less than halfway through the epic she could hear him sniffling and turning her head nearly burst out laughing as she saw tears pooling in his eyes.

"Oh I am soooo going to be torturing you with this for MONTHS," she teased. "You step out of line and I'm telling Eric you're bawling like baby at Titanic. Heck, you step out of line and I'll make a poster about it and put it up at the hospital!"

Rolling his head, he nipped her earlobe. "H-h-hate you."

"Nah. You luuurve me" She kicked back the covers. "I'm going to get us some drinks – do you want juice or tea?"

Hitting the pause button, Patrick smiled. "T-tea."

"I'll be right back."

Watching as she left the room and delighting in the return of the spring in her step, he flopped back against the pillows. He looked down at the white board, never far from reach, and swallowed down the urge to hurl it against the wall. There had been a period after his surgery, at the Hamptons, were every day he seemed to improve by leaps and bounds but now he seemed stalled. There was a growing possibility, in his mind, that he would stay like this – stuttering in incomplete sentences, a large void in his memory and completely unable to return to the work that was his passion. After all, the only thing worse than a surgeon with a shaky hand was a surgeon with a shaky hand who couldn't speak.

Both his speech therapist and his physiotherapist had tried to reassure him that he was progressing well but he didn't see it. And he didn't believe anyone would see him as anything but a sick person for as long as the aphasia and amnesia lasted. He wanted his life back. All of it.

Seeing the pinched look on Patrick's face, Robin paused at the bedroom door. "That's not a happy face" she observed as she came in the room carrying a small tray. "What happened? Did you fast forward the movie and see the ending?"

Patrick smirked and shook his head. "N-no."

Climbing back into bed, she brushed her hand against his forehead. "What's got you so deep in thought?"

Sighing heavily, he pulled the board to his lap. _Sick to death of having to write what I want to say, of not being able to speak more than three words at a time and I'm fed up with not remembering_.

"I know it's hard Patrick and I'm sorry it's not going faster" She had found him to be fairly well adjusted during his recovery but knew that his ease with his situation was directly tied to his patience and as one ran out so would the other.

Patrick looked at her, pulling on his bottom lip as he contemplated the question on the tip of his tongue; it had been there for a few weeks but he had not been ready to ask it. Now, he was beginning to feel he couldn't move forward if he didn't.

"What is it?" she asked, knowing the look on his face well.

Patrick picked up his pen. _Did I write you a letter? _

Robin looked at him in surprise.

_I wrote one to my dad. Did I write one to you? _

Wanting to keep the information about his leaving quiet, she had hoped before that he would not ask about the letter. But now that it was out and he knew, there was little reason to keep it from him.

Swinging her feet to the floor, she walked to the dresser and opening up her jewellery box, pulled out the well worn envelope. Climbing back on the bed, she handed it to him.

Taking it in his hands, he stared at her. He wasn't sure he had written a letter but hoped if he had it would help him unlock some more memories. Now that it was in his hands, he was less sure of himself.

"Go ahead and read it," Robin encouraged.

His hand shook a little as he lifted the letter from the envelope and unfolded it. He sucked in a breath as he began to read.

_Dear Robin -_

I've never written a love letter before and I think that will become almost painfully clear to you as I clumsily try to tell you what's in my heart.

I know you are likely still very angry with me for leaving, for being another person to leave you but I hope some day you will understand that I truly did it with your best interests at heart. As painful as leaving you that day was, I know that watching me fail as I have done over the last month would be more painful. But being who you are, you would never let show and it would have been too easy to stay and let you care for me. This is the first time in my life where I want to put someone's needs above mine and I hope that you will come, in time, to understand why I did it.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about my life in the last month and I realize that before I met you my life was pretty black and white. I never spent a lot of time thinking about things, I was always looking for the next good time. I had no interest in relationships because I didn't think they would be worth the effort - the truth is I didn't think anyone would really want me for the long haul. But then you busted into that OR radiating colours behind you like I have never seen before and my life changed in an instant.

You threw me off balance - you still do - and made me question things about myself that I had taken for granted. I didn't know how to listen to my heart until you showed me how and now the damn thing won't shut up.

I have always known what love is but I had never experienced it. I didn't know that a kiss could really make someone weak in the knees or that holding your hand could send a rush through me unlike anything I have ever felt. But mostly I didn't know how amazing it could feel to trust someone with who I am and have that given back to me 100 times over.

I remember standing on the roof after the Gilbert surgery and my head was jumble of thoughts. I was panicked with no clue of what to do next and then as you often do, you showed up just when I needed you most. The moment I held you in my arms I felt like I could breathe again. I could barely say it to myself, let alone to you but I was already in love with you. I suppose there are lots of people who can remember the exact moment they fell in love but I can't. It wasn't one moment, it was a million tiny ones - it's the way you roll your eyes at one of my cheesy lines or when you asked me what was wrong with wanting to feel safe and unafraid. It's the way you saunter away from me and toss me a look over your shoulder knowing it drives me crazy or when you held my hand through my dad's surgery. It's watching you get up on a stage and tell a roomful of people about some of your lowest moments so that they will dig deep and help prevent another person from living what you have lived. It's every time we make love and you wrap your body around mine. It's waking up next to you or talking to you on the phone. It's having you hold my hand and tell me everything will okay when I am not sure it ever will be again - but I believe because you tell me so.

Falling in love with you is not a one time thing, it's an every day thing.

The claddagh necklace that I gave you probably does a better job of expressing what you mean to me than anything I could write. Before anything else, you are my friend - I like hanging out with you - playing pool, going to a hockey game or watching a movie. You are loyal - I have watched you take on all comers to protect what and who is important to you and it is a most impressive sight. To be a part of that, to be the recipient of your loyalty and trust is not something I take lightly. And you have the biggest heart of anyone I have ever known and that you've let me live in a corner of it is the greatest gift I have ever been given.

My greatest wish is that I come through surgery with flying colours and no side effects - that I have the opportunity to love you once more and I will fight with everything I have to do that. But I want you to promise that if something goes wrong, if I'm incapacitated in some way that you will go on without me. Robin, you have so much love and goodness to give and deserve so much in return that I don't want you to waste it on me if I can't give it back to you.

I have never been as complete in my life as I am with you. Loving you has been the best thing I have ever done and I thank you for sharing yourself with me.

I love you. Forever.

Patrick.

His eyes shimmered with tears and he swallowed down the acrid lump in his throat. While the memories he was hoping for did not come galloping back he did hear, in his own voice, how much pain and how desperate he was. His chest tightened at the revelation.

Robin put her hand on his shoulder and smiled lovingly at him. "It was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever given me," she told him. "And it was from your words that I drew strength."

He was too overcome to respond as he skimmed the letter a second time.

"I wrote you a letter" she said quietly. "While you were in the hospital. Would you like to read it?"


	120. Chapter 127

**Chapter 127**

May your faith give us faith

"I wrote you a letter" she said quietly. "While you were in the hospital. Would you like to read it?"

Patrick looked at her in surprise. Still trying to process his own letter to her he was unprepared to receive one in return. For a brief moment he contemplated saying no, telling her that he wasn't ready to read it but then his heart started to beat loudly telling him that not only was he ready, he needed to read it. Setting his letter down on the bed, he exhaled slowly.

"Y-yes. P-p-please."

Robin gave a small smile as she scrambled from the bed. Opening the closet door, she pulled down her hat box that was the repository of so many memories. Sliding off the lid she reached inside and pulled out the white envelope. She smirked as she saw the logo for Manhattan General. As she sat at his bedside following the first surgery and after reading his letter, she has so many feelings swirling around inside her and so many things that she wanted to tell him that she scrounged through her purse for some paper. Finding none, she asked at the Nurses Station and was given a large pad and an envelope with the hospital logo on it. Hardly the stationary for modern romanticism but in the end what mattered was what was inside, not outside.

"I'm going to go to Kelly's and pick up some chili and biscuits for dinner while you read this," she told him as she passed the envelope to him.

Patrick held on to her wrist and shook his head. Picking up the pen he dashed a quick note. _You don't have to leave while I read. _

Leaning across the bed she placed a soft kiss against his lips. "I'm not embarrassed to have you read it. But I was alone when I read your letter and I could just let the feelings happen because I wasn't worried or aware of anyone else. That was a nice thing to have and I'd like you to have the same experience. I won't be long," she said reassuringly. "And then when I'm back we can finish our movie."

Swinging his feet to the floor, Patrick got up from the bed and wrapped her in his arms, hugging her tightly. "L-love you" he whispered, brushing his lips against her cheek.

Patting his hip she smiled. "I know. I'll be back soon, okay?"

Patrick nodded and followed her out to the living room, letter in hand, as she pulled on her winter coat and boots. Giving him a small wave she disappeared out the door, pulling it shut behind her. Sinking into the couch, he stared at the envelope in his hands, trailing his finger along its edge. He was feeling hesitant about opening it but could not put his finger on exactly why. He did not doubt that Robin loved him and so the contents of a letter from her should be welcomed, exciting even.

As he dropped his head against the back of the couch and gazed up at the ceiling he realized he was worried about what the letter would reveal of the person he was prior to his surgery. He did not recognize the man he had been at all and he feared that his treatment of others had been even worse than what he knew already. He tapped the letter against his leg. Sitting up, he sucked in a breath and gently ran his finger underneath the fold of the envelope, freeing it from its sticky hold.

Closing his eyes he unfolded the papers, smoothing them out, and waited. After several minutes he opened his eyes and began to read.

_Dear Patrick -_

As I write this you are lying in bed, having just come from surgery. There are monitor leads, and a ventilator but I can still see you underneath all of that. Eric says your surgery went well and now we wait for you to wake up and let us know how well it really went.

It has been a remarkable time for both of us. My faith in myself and in the benevolence of the world have been tested but I think that it's only made me stronger. And having read your letter that you wrote this week I believe that your test of faith has made you stronger as well. And with that strength we can face anything togehter. I know I have told you how much I love you but I'm not sure I've ever told you what you mean to me.

You are a gift.

In my life I could not have imagined a love like yours. It has been given to me freely, without condition and that has allowed me to unlock my heart. You tell me that I have so much love to give but that is only because of what you have given me. One of the most remarkable things about you is that you are not aware of your impact on the people around you. You have no idea how powerful you are and that in of itself is amazing. Over these last six months I have watched you struggle to come to terms with mortality, disability, disappointment, fear, and past hurts and I marvel at how you keep pushing forward no matter how many times you get knocked down.

I understand why you left. You wanted to protect me, you wanted to somehow avert the pain that would come from seeing you at your weakest. The thing is, it wouldn't matter how far you ran because I would still be with you and you with me. When I fell in love with you, my heart made vows to yours that I have only begun to consciously recognize. For better or for worse; in sickness and in health. I live these daily in relation to you as you do to me. I know you do because you have shown me, time and again, the depth and strength of your committment to me. Moments that could have shaken the foundation for others, only rooted you further.

I used to believe that falling in love was binding. That somehow it was tying yourself to another person but as so often happens when I'm with you, I found my perspective changed. Falling in love with you has been liberating. I am free to love loudly, bravely and honestly. I am free to love completely because you have given that to me. You did it in a hundred million small ways and several very large ways as well. You had every chance to back away and no one would have blamed you - after all, I come with complications - but you didn't. You embraced me and all that I am, unconditionally, and that has been the experience of a lifetime for me.

The conversation we had on the docks, after I attended my first group session, has stayed with me through all these months. You told me that being a child of an addict was an insolating experience - that you felt alone. You also said that what hurt the most was being second choice to someone who loved you. I look at you, at the man you are and goodness you bring and I cannot imagine anyone not putting you first. I told you then and I will tell you again that you will never be second choice with me. You asked me to go on without you if you are incapacitated in some way and I have to tell you that it's simply not possible. There is no going on without you while you are still here. Because no matter what happens, it doesn't change who you are. And who you are is someone I love very much.

You are kind and compassionate, loving and playful, honest and forgiving. You are generous in ways that you don't even realize. You are brave and courageous - you are a fighter and I love you. I found your list of memories that you want to make and my heart is full with anticipation at the adventures that are waiting for us. I believe that you will recover. I believe the best is yet to come for us. I believe in you. There is a long road ahead of you before you come out on the other side of all of this. And it will be scary and frustrating and daunting. But I want you to know that you are not alone. I am with you. I will be by your side every step of the way, encouraging you to embrace the world around you as you have done for me.

Being loved by you is an answer to a prayer that I was sure had gone unheard and I am grateful that we found each other.

I love you. Forever and for always.

Robin 


	121. Chapter 128

**Chapter 128**

Your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace

Reading the letter a second time, Patrick's eyes pricked with tears. Without even realizing it, he had been waiting and needing to hear those words. While his ego had always been healthy, he was never under any illusion that he mattered that much to others. There was too much evidence, as an adult, pointing in the other direction - that while he may have been loved, he was not necessarily a priority. Eric had always been the exception to the rule and theirs was a friendship with deep roots but it was not quite the same thing as a romantic relationship. By allowing himself to fall in love he had given up the control and protection of himself he had spent years establishing. And instead of being destroyed by it as he always feared would happen, it nourished him.

_And who you are is someone I love very much._

I believe in you. 

There was simply no way Robin could know the power of those two sentences. He was enough - as he was. It was simply the single most amazing thing anyone had ever told him. And by being told that he was enough he suddenly wanted to be more; he wanted to be the man that Robin described in her letter because he wasn't sure he always was. There were two obstacles in his way - his speech and his memory - but he would conquer those because he had to. And then he could tell her without hesitation, without pen and paper, how he finally understood what it meant to be complete.

Hearing the door creak open his head snapped up as Robin tiptoed through, her arms filled with take out. Her gaze immediately went to the letter and then to his face looking for any advanced hint of how her words were received. Nervousness framed her eyes as she kicked the door shut behind her.

"Mike gave us double helpings which is great. I think we can freeze some of it and have a few meals for a while," she pattered anxiously, making her way to the kitchen and setting the bag down on the counter.

A small squeal burst forth from her mouth as Patrick took hold of her shoulders and spun her around to face him. His brown eyes were filled past the brim with love as he dipped his head and kissed her gently. She melted into him as she responded with her own soft, gentle kisses, lazily brushing her tongue against his, her teeth nibbling on his full lips.

He pulled away, brushing her hair from her eyes and gazed adoringly at her. "I love y-you," he whispered.

He rubbed the tip of his nose against hers, their mouths parted slightly and just out of reach from each other's. Robin pressed her body against his, groping and reaching for his mouth wanting, needing to fuse them together again. Sliding his hands down her back, Patrick took hold of her waist and hoisted her off the ground, allowing her to wrap her arms around his hips. She swallowed down his moan as they kissed deeply, their tongues melding together.

Not breaking their kiss he pushed away from the counter and with his hands supporting her, carried her down the hallway to the bedroom. As he pulled away briefly to gently lay her on the bed, Robin's hand reached out, cupping the back of his head and drawing him to her again. She sighed happily into his mouth as their tongues danced in languid unison and his body pressed against hers. She loved the feel of him, the weight of his body pressing against hers. Her hips rocked instinctively as he pushed into her, his arousal announcing itself.

Breathless, he pulled away from her mouth and attached his lips to her neck, nipping at her ear. Her hands ran through the downy softness of his hair and down the side of his head and over his shoulders. He was getting stronger, she could feel it in the muscles rippling underneath her touch. Patrick slid his hand inside her shirt, kneading her breast and teasing her nipple through the soft cotton of her bra. She gripped his shoulders as her body responded to his touch. As his fingers continued to dance along her skin, his mouth moved to the other side of her neck whispering kisses. Closing her eyes she exhaled as she felt his prickly stubble rub against her skin.

Her eyes flew open and she became suddenly rigid as his hands flirted with the waistband of her jeans.

"Patrick" she rasped with fear evident in her eyes.

Lifting his head he looked at her with adoring tenderness. He left tiny kisses on her cheeks and the corners of her mouth. "W-we can st-stop"

Cupping his cheek with her hand, her thumb stroking his face she stared at him. Her heart wanted to give in, wanted to reinforce how much she loved him but her head, her loud, noisy head kept getting in the way. She didn't want him to risk himself, not for anything. But her heart continued to thump inside her chest reminding her that everyday they each took risks of all kinds and she could not make decisions for him.

"We have to be really, really careful," she said when she finally spoke.

Turning his head, he kissed her palm. "We w-w-will," he assured her as best he could. Kneeling up, he pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it to the floor. He carefully removed hers before covering her chest in small, soft kisses.

Robin felt her breasts swell pleasurably in her bra and she instinctively arched up towards him. Sliding his hand underneath her, he flicked open the clasp and shimmied the bra down her arms. She lay before him, patches of discoloured skin strewn across her torso, and chewed on her bottom lip. His thumbs stroked her hips through her jeans and stared lovingly at her. Leaning forward he dropped a long, lingering kiss over one of the patches. Robin's eyes pricked with tears amazed at how he could find her at a moment when she felt least beautiful and yet make her feel more desirable than ever.

He began to explore the rest of her body, with his tongue following where his fingers had been, searching out the places he knew drove her crazy. Her hands slid over his ass, massaging him through his jeans and she smiled as he stopped his ministrations and closed his eyes, enjoying the feelings coursing through him. He trailed his fingers along the inside of her jean-clad thighs, delighting in the shiver he elicited as his knuckles grazed the sensitive spot at the apex of her legs. Her hips undulated against his hand, begging for more.

She mewled at the loss of contact as he stood up. His arousal was straining at his jeans and she watched in admiration as he kicked them off and his erection sprang free. Reaching for her, he unhooked the button on her jeans and pulled them off before adding them to the growing pile of clothes bedside. He opened the drawer of the nightstand, retreiving a condom and tore open the little packet. Normally he would sheath himself as quickly as possible but this was about trust - less of him and more of her trusting herself. He wanted her to give into the pleasure they were building together and so he took his time and let her see that he was as well protected as could be.

He smiled in satisfaction as she held her hand out to him, beckoning him to her. Crawling towards her on the bed, he kissed her mouth, pushing his tongue between her lips. Robin accepted it greedily, kissing him hotly in return. Sliding inside her, he stayed completely still for several beats, waiting for and wanting her to take the lead. Robin's nerve endings were already buzzing and while she had the fullness she craved, she lacked the friction to get where she wanted to be. Lifting her hips off the bed she pushed against him, urging him on. He slid his arms around her, holding her tightly. He nibbled on her shoulder as she worked her tongue against his neck. They moved together in rhythmically, first slowly but then gaining in intensity as they hurtled towards their climax. His thrusting became more powerful but feeling her holding back, not quite able to let go, Patrick dipped his hand between them and ran his thumb over the sensitive bundle of nerves. Robin gasped, wrapping her legs tightly around him and called out his name. Feeling her let go, Patrick allowed himself to give in and their bodies shuddered as they tumbled over the edge together.

He pulled out quickly and disposed of the condom. Returning to the bed, he gathered her in his arms and peppered her temple with kisses as they struggled to regain their breath. As her breathing lengthened, Robin turned in his arms and looked into his eyes.

"Thank you" she said softly with her arms lazily stroking his soft skin, "for loving me."

_And who you are is someone I love very much._

I believe in you. 

Patrick pushed her damp bangs from her face and kissed the tip of her nose. His heart was full and racing far faster than his head could ever hope to. Without a second thought, he opened his mouth to speak.

"M-m-marry me."


	122. Chapter 129

**Chapter 129**

I'll find my way back to you, if you'll be waiting

Robin's eyes widened in shock, her mouth agape. Her attempts to form a coherent thought failed. "Wh-what did you say?"

Patrick's stomach rumbled nervously and with a shaky hand he tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. Swallowing thickly, he spoke again. "M-m-marry m-me" he stammered.

"Patrick-" she began hoarsely.

A small sense of panic swept through him. Leaps of faith were not his strong suit. Despite all of his bravado of living in the moment and taking risks, everything he did was always calculated. In the OR and in life he hated leaving anything to chance. His heart had moved faster than his brain and in an instant he had put a question into the ether that would fundamentally change their relationship. Even if he wanted to, there was no taking it back.

He pulled himself to a sitting position and ran his hands over his face. The sheets pooled around his hips and he chewed on his bottom lip as he tried to piece together a sentence. It was one of the most frustrating aspects of his aphasia; he often had to try to fit the words in his mouth before saying them out loud. "I kn-know not rom-m-mantic," he stuttered, his cheeks flushing a deep red as he did so, "but want to m-marry you."

Inhaling sharply, Robin swung her feet to the floor and moved to get off the bed. Patrick reached for her hand and tugged her back. Looking over her shoulder, she smiled reassuringly. "I'm just going to get my robe," she told him. "I'll be right back."

She could feel Patrick's eyes on her as she walked to the closet. Her heart was thumping so ferociously she was sure it was going to leap right out of her chest. As she yanked the robe from the hanger, she took another deep breath in an attempt to steady herself. Sliding into the cool silk she tied the belt twice around her waist before heading back to bed.

While the robe gave her a bit of stall time it was mostly just a chance for her to cover up. Swept up in the moment with Patrick it was possible to let her defences down and forget the very physical reminders of her disease but with the moment over, her embarrassment and discomfort with them came roaring back. She hated feeling so exposed, even with her boyfriend.

Sliding back on the bed, she slipped her legs under the covers and smoothed the comforter over her hips before meeting Patrick's expectant gaze. She smiled nervously.

"I love you" she stated unequivocally. "In all my life I have never loved anyone as I love you."

Feelings of dread started to pile up inside him, one on top of the other and he swallowed down the bitter disappointment that had anchored itself in his throat.

"B-but?" he prodded, almost shrinking from the answer.

Turning on to her side she reached for his hand interlaced her fingers through his. "I don't think we're in any position to get married," she told him as gently as she could. She still couldn't quite believe that he asked her but the minute she heard the question, everything inside her said no.

With his mouth feeling as though stuffed with cotton, Patrick reached for the board he was coming to despise and wrote:

_Because I left. _

Robin nodded. "And because I lied" she added softly. "Because we're still in the middle of a harrowing time and life altering decisions shouldn't be made like this."

Patrick shook his head in disagreement. _No. It is harrowing times that show us what is important. You are what is important. And I want to marry you. _

Cupping his face she gave him a watery smile. "Patrick," she sighed. "When I read the letter you wrote me I was so filled with love for you that I would have done anything to be with you. It's an intoxicating feeling to read words like that-"

Having furiously scribbled on the board, he shoved it at her. _So you aren't normally filled with love for me? _His brown eyes echoed the hurt he felt from her words.

"That's not what I'm saying" she said firmly, handing the board back to him. "I have so much love for you that I don't know what to do with it at times. I have so much love for you."

He looked down at their hands joined together and sat still for several moments before picking up the pen again. _Did you mean what you wrote in your letter?_

"Did you?"

"Every w-w-word."

"Me too" she whispered, bringing his hand to her lips.  
_  
Then I don't understand. _

"We're not ready." Seeing the incredulous look on his face and knowing she should not speak for him, she amended her answer. "I'm not ready."

Letting her hand drop, Patrick pushed back the covers and rose, unsteadily, to his feet. Picking his jeans from the floor and stepping into them, he hopped as he pulled them up his legs. He couldn't quite explain it but he suddenly felt...naked. It was as far out as he had ever put himself and he suddenly felt small. It didn't occur to him that she would say no, then again he was not entirely sure it occured to him she would say yes either. For such a monumental question there had been decidedly little forethought.

Robin looked at him in disbelief. He was going to run again. And that only proved to her that they had no business getting married - not yet. They could not and should not get married until they were able to stand still - to willingly stand still. As he pulled his t-shirt over his head she was struck by the notion that regardless of how intimate they had been moments earlier as soon as the discussion took a difficult and uncomfortable turn they both covered themselves; as though the more honest the conversation the more armour they needed. She sighed heavily and waited for him to walk out the door.

Her mouth dropped open when he crawled back onto the bed.

_What do you need to be ready?_ he wrote, _What can I do? _

She shook her head, discovering yet again that it was never wise to underestimate her boyfriend. Moving closer to him, she snuggled up against him and dropped a kiss on his shoulder. "I have a lot to figure out Patrick" she began slowly. "Intellectually I understand why you left but emotionally I can't reconcile it yet. And I need to come to terms with the lies I told you about my health. When I -" she paused to correct herself, "when _we_ get married, I want to have a clear head and a clear heart and I don't have either at the moment."

Seeing the worried look creeping across his face she ran her fingertips along the back of his cheek. "My heart is clear about loving you," she reassured him, "but I want it to be clear about my intentions in everything I do."  
_  
I'm sorry I left,_ he wrote, kissing her forehead.

"Patrick it's not just about you leaving - part of it is about who you and I are when we get shit scared. You kept the news about your tumour from me because you wanted to protect me and you left when things were at their worst because you wanted to protect me. I hid the truth about my health from you because I wanted to protect you and I didn't tell you about you leaving even though you suspected something had happened because I thought you couldn't handle it. The truth is when either of us gets backed into a corner we want to protect the other and wind up doing the one thing guaranteed to hurt each other."

He ran his hand over his face. She was right and he knew it. It was a strange contradiction they both shared - they trusted each other with everything but the minute things got difficult they stopped trusting themselves and the consequences for the other were enormous. He was not remotely surprised when Robin revealed that he had kept his tumour a secret. If someone had asked him if he consciously considered himself a runner, he would have said no but it was clear now that he was and Robin knew it too. If they were going to make a life long commitment, she would need to trust that he would be there when she needed him.

Closing his arms around her, he drew her against him and kissed her softly.

Feeling the warmth in his kiss, Robin fisted his shirt and curled into him further, closing her hands over his arms. "There's something else we need to talk about when we talk about marriage" she said quietly.

"Wh-what?"

Clearing her suddenly thick throat, she answered, "My health." Tilting his head ot the side Patrick gave her a curious look. "Patrick, I come with complications. And maybe in a few weeks or a few months you are going to realize that you don't want to make a lifetime commitment to someone who only has a short lifetime to offer." Her voice was tentative and she had difficulty meeting his eyes.

"Robin" he whispered.

She soothingly rubbed his forearm. "We're not going to have decades Patrick. Ours wouldn't be a marriage measured in anniversaries-"

"M-m-measured in l-love" he interjected.

Smiling, she sucked in her bottom lip. "I am likely....Patrick you will be a widower at a young age - like your father."

He swiped at the few tears that leaked from his eyes. His throat felt as though it was closing over and words pooled, unspoken, in his throat. Snapping up the pen he wrote:

_It would be worth it. _

Inhaling sharply, Robin buried her head in his chest. "I'm not ready" came her muffled cry. "I'm sorry - I'm just....I'm not ready."

Tightening his arms around her, he sank down into the bed and kissed the top of her cheek. "Okay" he whispered.

Raising her head, her eyes shining brightly with unspilled tears, Robin offered a watery smile. "Promise me, you'll ask me again. I don't know when - I will be ready because I love you but just...promise you'll ask me again."

He nodded. "I w-will."

As he absently stroked her arm he thought to himself that he would ask her as many times as it took for her to say yes.


	123. Chapter 130

**Chapter 130**

In the middle of the night we dream of a million kites  
Flying high above the sadness and the fear

As he walked along the waterfront, his hands jammed in his pockets, Patrick looked at the disappearing snow banks and thought it a good sign; no matter how frozen the earth became during winter, a thaw was inevitable. He hoped the same held true for him. If his mind was frozen and his speech was frozen then hopefully there was a thaw coming for him as well. Something, anything, that would let his memory and his speech flow freely once again. It had been three days since his impromptu proposal of marriage and he was left wondering how much his own health played into Robin's refusal. He had understood her reasons for why she wasn't ready but what was left unsaid, what remained just below the surface was the reality of who he was and how little he resembled the man she fell in love with.

As he continued to wind his way along the pier and up the steps he was struck by how much he missed working. It wasn't that he lacked things to do - his ongoing therapy took up most of his time - he was lacking his identity. For so long he simply told people he was a doctor and that established him in their eyes and told them who he was or at least who they thought he was. And while he was still a doctor, he was not practicing, his license was still suspended and his colleagues continued to move forward while he felt as though he was standing still.

He was in a rut.

Pulling open the door to the building, he rushed inside and took the stairs two at a time until he reached the fourth floor. He rapped impatiently at the door. It had barely opened when he brushed inside.

"N-n-need your h-help" he said swiping his hat from his head and unbuttoning his coat.

Eric dragged a hand through his bed head and looked at his friend in surprise. "My help?" he asked sleepily.

Patrick nodded as he slung his coat on the back of a chair. "Sp-speech. Need you to f-f-f-fix speech."

Sighing, he ran both his hands over his face. "Dude. It's early, I've not even had coffee yet."

Stopping in his tracks and seeing his friend for the first time since coming through the door, he noticed how run down he appeared. "Look l-l-like sh-shit."

Smirking, Eric padded to the kitchen and flipped the swtich on his coffee maker. "I love it when you sweet talk me."

Having followed his friend into the kitchen, Patrick leaned against the counter. "You okay?"

He nodded. "Alexis and the girls all caught chicken pox and so I was on duty for the last few days. Everyone's on the mend now though but I've learned what a Web Kinz is and have watched every possible Dora video."

The happiness on his friend's face did not escape Patrick's notice and while he was pleased for him at having found someone after all the years of taking himself of the market, a small knot formed in the pit of his stomach. He wanted so badly to have a family and he worried that he would become too attached to one that was not his. Patrick knew both Molly's and Kristina's fathers and while neither were men he had a lot of time for, they were still fathers and Eric needed to ensure he did not start assuming a role that was not his.

"B-be careful," he cautioned.

Screwing his face up, Eric shot him a questioning look. "Of what? I've already had the chicken pox."

Patrick shook his head, pulling his board from his bag. _They aren't your kids._

"I know that" he answered tightly. "What's your point?"

Don't want you to get hurt

"I'm not" he answered breezily, grateful the coffee was ready. Turning his back to his friend, he pulled two mugs from the cupboard and filled them with coffee before carrying them over to the couch.

"So when you say you need me to fix your speech, what exactly do you have in mind?" Eric asked, changing the subject.

Patrick sank into the large double chair and twisted his lips to the side. Since asking Robin to marry him he had been on a mission to find a way to fast track his progress. It was beginning to feel like an insurmountable stumbling block to moving forward with his life - moving forward with Robin - and he was tired of being patient. He wanted to take action.

_There's a procedure I read about that tries to re-establish the speech centre._

Eric narrowed his eyes. "No fucking way"

Doing a double take at his friend's almost violent reaction, the pen dropped from his hand. "Wh-why?"

"Are you out of your mind?" he asked before raising his hand. "On second thought, don't answer that. Pantsy I know exactly the procedure you are talking about and it is by any definition, high risk and experimental. You have had your skull open on the table twice already, you don't need a third time."

With his eyes fixed in steely determination, Patrick retreived his pen from the floor. _Easy for you to say, you can speak. _

"So can you," he reminded him.

"N-n-not enough"

Feeling that familiar sense of failure creeping up in him, Eric let out a long, slow breath. "Patrick, we knew this was a possiblity going in and I can't recommend you having another surgery especially one where the odds are against you. Not only could the procedure not improve your speech, it could make it worse."  
_  
I could find another doctor_

Scoffing, Eric folded his arms across his chest and stared at his friend with incredulity. "You could," he snapped, "or you could tell me what the hell has you pushing to speak perfectly so soon? Your speech therapist told you it could take months"

Rolling his eyes in frustration, Patrick gripped the pen so tightly he nearly cracked it. _I have NO MEMORY and can't fucking speak without relying on this goddamn board. I need another reason?_

Staring at him, he waited. This was his friend and he knew better than anyone that things were rarely obvious with Patrick and regardless of what he claimed the reason or motivation for something was, there was always another reason. He knew he was frustrated and there was a part of him that felt responsible for that frustration but not so responsible that he was willing to undertake a risky procedure and lay his friend's life on the line again.

Patrick pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled slowly. There were disadvantages to best friends, the chief one being the inability to hide things from them. One of the hallmarks of their friendship was that neither of them made it easy for the other one to get away with anything. They had always held each other accountable for choices and decisions. As difficult as that was at times it also ensure that they each had place to find the truth when they needed and even when they didn't.

Sighing quietly, he wrote: _I asked Robin to marry me _

Eric's blue eyes bluged in shock. "Holy shit."

With a small shrug of his shoulder Patrick nodded. _She said no _

"Oh." Eric reached for his mug and took a long sip of coffee. "Did she give a reason? Is it because of your speech?"

_She says no. She says that she isn't ready - we have stuff to work through. _

"What do you say?" he prodded.

Blowing out his cheeks, he gripped the board tightly in his hands. Such was his resentment at needing any kind of assistance to communicate that he wanted to break the board over his knee. But in the end it would do little to improve his situation and it was not as though his voice was actually locked inside the board, it just felt that way.

_I think she still sees me as sick. _

"And so you think if you got your speech back perfectly that she would see you as healthy? And then she would say yes?"

"Sounds d-d-dumb b-but yeah."

Scratching the scruff on his face Eric spoke, "You know, you guys have been through a lot of stuff lately and when things feel like they're out of your control, you immediately try to control the things you can."

With a disagreeable shake of his head, Patrick wrote: _You think I asked her just to exercise some control? Nice to know you think so highly of me?_

"It wasn't a diss," he objected. "I'm just saying that you have a lot on your plate and that you were looking for something to-" Eric stopped mid-sentence as Patrick banged the board on the table.

His brown eyes blazed furiously as he wiped the board clean and scribbled again.

_Her protocol failed._ Eric's gasp echoed around the room. _And I always thought I would hit the door when that happened. I'm not good at this type of stuff, never have been. But when I found out about it I realized that I didn't want to leave. It only made me love her more because it drove home the point at how fragile all of this is and I don't want to waste another minute without her. I love her. I want to marry her and see just how long forever runs for. _  
xxxxx  
Robin's legs bounced nervously up and down as she sat in the chair, watching the room fill up. She anxiously rubbed her fingers together and took a long, slow breath. As her heart continued to pound loudly in her chest she realized it was going to take more than deep breathing to steady her nerves. Her eyes darted around the room, from one familiar face to another but whatever feelings of calm she was hoping they would bring her were not to be found.

"Cookie?" Darren asked as he took his usual seat next to her.

Robin silently shook her head. Just the smell of the chocolate was enough to turn her stomach. Though her body had finally accepted her new protocol and the side effects were mostly disappearing, her current nervous state put food out of the question.

"You look like you're Anne Boleyn awaiting the axe" Darren observed as she continued to wring her hands.

Exhaling, she brought her hands to rest on her lap. "I'm going to speak today and it always puts me on edge" she admitted. "I don't know why - I mean I've given plenty of speeches in my life."

"Yeah but any time you talk about your feelings or your emotions you expose yourself in a different way and that's nerve wracking."

Smoothing down her ponytail, she took another breath. "You never get nervous. Or never seem to get nervous - how is that?"

Darren shrugged. "Practice. I've been coming here for years Robin. At some point it just gets easy."

"I don't think I'm at that point yet" she joked weakly.

"Can I help?"

She shook her head. "No. I just....I need to say this out loud and then I'll be better, I think."

She had been very much lost in thought in the days since Patrick had proposed to her. There were many reasons why she had said no - some of them she had understood and some of them she had not. It was a strange sensation to know that you were with the love of your life and but when they made the one gesture that was supposed to publically confirm that, you turned it down. Lying awake the night before in bed as Patrick slept restlessly beside her, she was hit by a sudden wave of clarity and having mulled it over further she was taken with the need to say it out loud - in a room full of people who would get it.

As the meeting rolled on she ripped apart the rim of her styrofoam cup, dropping the little squeaky white bits into the cup itself. Once the floor opened up for comments, she raised her hand and smiled nervously as she was invited to speak.

"My boyfriend proposed to me the other day-" As her friends clapped, she raised her hand. "I said no." Exhaling slowly, she tugged on the end of her ponytail. "I gave him a lot of reasons as to why we couldn't, not yet anyways. It's odd - it's not about us loving each other enough - that's not a problem for us. I told him that it was because we had both just been through so much and the timing wasn't right. As I talked myself into a hole, I finally admitted that I wasn't ready. I couldn't tell him why I wasn't ready to get married - or heck, even be engaged."

She continued to fidget with the styrofoam cup, breaking off tiny bits in a slow, deliberate fashion. Chewing on her bottom lip, she looked around the room and was once again grateful for the lack of judgment she found there.

"I've spent a lot of time trying to figure it out since then and I think I've found a reason, I just don't know how valid it is."

"Robin," the group leader Deborah, interjected, "it's valid because it's what you're feeling and you have to make sure you don't apply a rigor to your feelings and thoughts that you wouldn't apply to other people's."

She smiled sheepishly, knowing that it was in fact just what she had done. "I think I'm not ready to get married because by promising to love - by formally promising to love someone for the rest of my life, I'm forced to admit that my life will be short. That while no one is promised a tomorrow, I can guarantee that it is unlikely I would see a 25th, 30th or 40th wedding anniversary. There is a remote chance that I would see my children graduate college or start families of their own. And to be fair, that's a discussion that my boyfriend and I would need to have and I'm not convinced either of us are ready to deal with that reality. It's one thing to date a person who has HIV, it's another thing entirely to build a life around them knowing that each day means more sunsets behind them rather than in front of them. I guess I'm not ready yet because I don't want the reminder of all that I will miss."

"What about all you will experience?" Darren asked quietly.

Pulling on her bottom lip, Robin nodded. "I guess....I guess I need to find the balance between the two and then I'll be able to say yes."


	124. Chapter 131

**Chapter 131**

In your arms, where all my journeys end

Pushing open the apartment door Robin paused, leaning against the doorframe, and stared at her boyfriend with a mixture of pride and admiration. Sitting up straight on the couch, his earphones in and holding a mirror to his face, he was practicing his pronunciation. She admired his determination to overcome the aphasia and knew how hard he was working at it. There were days where she would come home and he would be asleep on the couch having worked to exhaustion but the earphones were still in and playing the speech therapy discs.

Closing the door quietly she pulled off her coat, hanging it on the polished wooden rack by the door, and dropped her purse on the table. She smiled as she made her way to him. It had been almost a week since she spoke at her group meeting, articulating out loud for the first time her fears of getting married, and as always she found the stress had dissipated. She was not necessarily any closer to being ready for marriage but at least she was no longer being torn up inside by it.

She gently touched his shoulder and slid into his lap, brushing her lips against his.

"Hi" she said softly, her brown eyes gleaming.

Patrick jerked in surprise and hastily removed his earphones, tossing his ipod to the side. "H-hi" he greeted her, wrapping his arm around her waist and nuzzling her neck. "H-h-how was your d-d-day?"

Curling her fingers through the fine wisps of hair at the nape of his neck, she grinned. "My day? My day was fantastic."

Patrick raised his eyebrows in surprise. In the week and a half since his clumsy marriage proposal they had run a gamut of emotions individually and together. Knowing how important marriage was to her, he knew she was struggling with having turned him down and tied in with everything else they were dealing with, her feelings had been all over the map. But seeing the return of the impish glint to her eye made him ecstatic.

"Oh?" he prodded.

"Yup. Fantastic. Awesome. Fabulous."

"H-hot doctor?"

"Don't be silly, you're the only hot doctor at GH."

"D-d-damn straight" he answered with hint of propriety to his voice.

Shifting, Robin straddled him and slung her arms over his shoulders. "I had an appointment with Alan today." Seeing his eyes widen with worry she nipped reassuringly at his lips. "Don't fret."

"W-would have g-gone too" he told her.

It was a fine line he walked when it came to her health. A fiercely independent woman, she was often slow to ask for support as she was so used to doing it on her own for so long. He had, earlier on in their relationship, been good at drawing her out but he was often so wrapped up in his own issues these days it was difficult for him to pick up on the subtle signs. He silently reminded himself he needed to do better.

"It was a spur of the moment thing," she told him. "Alan asked me to swing by his office as my latest blood work had come in early."

With a shaky hand he reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "And?"

Robin's face split into a wide grin. "My viral load is back to its old levels. The new meds have worked and everything is back in its box."

Sucking in a breath Patrick rose quickly to his feet, still holding her, and spun them both happily around the room. Hooking her legs around his hips, she pressed her body against his and squealed in delight.

Spinning them back to the couch they collapsed in a heap on top of each other. Patrick kissed her passionately and lovingly, amazed at how light his own heart suddenly felt with the news. Intellectually he understood that her viral load was likely to go back down with her new protocol but the head did not always rule the heart. He had rationalized the likely outcome and reviewed the statistic probability but it had done little to quell the worry in his heart.

As he stretched out against the length of the couch, taking her with him in his arms, his eye caught the glint of silver tucked inside her shirt. His fingers curled around the two chains and he smiled as he ran his fingers over them. The claddagh necklace, a symbol of who they were to each other and the medallion of Michael the Archangel, a symbol of who she was to him.

Robin closed her hand over his and smiled. "I know it can be really silly to get wrapped up in talismans but it can be so powerful to have something tangible to touch. When I was in Alan's office today I kept tracing the outline of my necklace, reminding myself that I – we – can get through anything. All we need is faith."

His speech well exhausted, he reached for his white board.

_It's not always easy to come by but being with you has taught me it's never as far out of reach as you think it is._

"I taught you that?" she queried softly.

Nodding, Patrick kissed her again. His tongue ran tantalizingly along the seam of her lips, stealing a taste of her as it did so.

"Do you know what you taught me?" she asked, peppering his lips with tiny kisses. Patrick shook his head. Tracing her fingertip along his soft lower lip, she smiled. "You taught me that it's impossible to give up on yourself when others still believe in you."

A look of shock flashed across his face. "M-me?"

"You," she replied gently. "I still think back to the night you told me you were in love with me." Her cheeks burned brightly at the memory and the inelegant way she had responded to him. "I was a mess then – much messier than I am now," she grinned. "And I just wanted to go to bed, pull the covers over my head and wait for the world to pass by but you wouldn't let me. You believed I would come through it even when I didn't. You found a support group for me and in so many ways I view them as an extension of the love and support you give me."

Patrick's eyes shimmered as he gazed at her in amazement. It had always been very clear, to him at least, that whatever impact he was going to have on people it would come through his role as a doctor. He had never imagined or envisaged himself as someone who could impact another person's life just by being him. If he had that ability to do so it was because falling in love with Robin had unlocked it in him.

"I l-love you" he whispered as he closed his mouth over hers.

Robin met his kiss with alacrity and moaned as his tongue coaxed her lips apart and swept inside her mouth. They lay tangled on the couch touching, tasting and exploring until the need for air pulled them apart.

"I think we should celebrate" she said, her eyes glassy with desire.

Cocking his head to the side, he gave her a quizzical look. "Th-thought we were?"

Robin smiled. "Well that's one part of the celebration but I was thinking we could with our celebratory tradition of Chinese food and-"

"S-s-s-strip race c-cars?"

She sat up with a start. "Patrick!"

Confused, he pulled himself to a sitting position. "Wh-what?"

"You remember?"

He shrugged non-chalantly, not sure what she was getting at. Picking up his board he wrote: _Yes. We always do that. After my HIV results we did_

Suddenly aware of the presence of a new memory he stopped writing and looked at Robin, his brown eyes bulging. She covered her mouth with her hands and inhaled sharply.

"You remember" she whispered.

Patrick looked from her to the board and back again, shocked at how the memory just appeared with little enticement or cajoling. He nodded slowly, "I r-r-remember."

Throwing her arms around his neck, she hugged him tightly. "That is amazing!"

He shook his head in wonderment. "I r-r-remember" he repeated.

"Now we have twice as many reasons to celebrate. We definitely need Chinese food." Scrambling off of him, she picked up the phone and hit the speed dial button.

Patrick stared ahead of him in amazement. When he had gone to see Eric he had been so sure that his memories were going to remain agonizingly out of reach. He was almost ready to throw in the towel. And while remembering strip race cars was hardly earth shattering it was, for him, a monumental discovery. Hope raced through his veins that one more memory would lead to another and then another and he would finally stop feeling as though he were fumbling in the dark.

Having ordered the food, Robin slipped next to him on the couch and softly stroked his cheek. "You okay?"

Exhaling slowly, he nodded._ It just took me by surprise_

"Me too. But it's a good surprise." Patrick stole a kiss as he slid his hand along her thigh. "Do you…do you have your list in your wallet?" she asked carefully.

Patrick narrowed his eyes playfully. "Our l-list."

"Our list," she repeated. "Do you have it?"

Reaching into his back pocket, he pulled out his walled and retrieved the list. Carefully unfolding it, he laid it out on the table and then looked expectantly at Robin.

She chewed nervously on the inside of her cheek. "What….what would you say if we started doing some of the things on the list? Maybe not the big trips" she added quickly, "but some of the smaller ones?"

Patrick gave a small smile and cast his eyes quickly over the list. There weren't many small things on the list but there was certainly one item that could be easily done and in truth it was one that he wanted to do from the moment she had given him the list. While he knew it was not possible to cross the same road twice there was much to be said about acknowledging the path that had brought you to where you were.

He pointed to the second to last item on it and looked at her.

Robin smiled back and nodded. "That's just the one I was thinking of."

"G-great m-minds," he stammered.

"Are you sure you're up for it?"

Reaching for the pen he wrote: _Up for it is never a problem for me_

Robin gave a shocked laugh and playfully slapped his arm. "Perv."

He waggled his eyebrows._ I'm sure. Let's go on Saturday._

"Deal!" She brushed her lips against his, giving a small groan as the buzzer rang. "That was fast!"

As she got up from the couch Patrick looked at the list one more time and smiled. It was exactly the small adventure they needed. Ideas began to bounce around in his head as he traced his finger over the words.

_One perfect night at the Cabin_


	125. Chapter 132

**Chapter 132**

And all the night's magic seems to whisper and hush  
And all the soft moonlight seems to shine in your blush

With his hand resting on her hip, Patrick smirked. "K-key?

Looking over her shoulder she offered a small shrug. "I figured it would be nice of us to ask Jax to use his cabin this time instead of breaking and entering."

"Was f-f-favourite part," he stammered as he nuzzled her neck.

"Your favourite part?" she challenged teasingly as she balanced the picnic basket on her hip.

Patrick chewed on his bottom lip for a moment. "S-s-second favourite."

"That's what I thought" she muttered as she turned the lock and opened the cabin.

They stood in the doorway shocked at the sight before them. The small cabin was aglow in candlelight and a fire roared in the stone fireplace. A large bouquet of flowers rose majestically from the small round table and soft jazz floated across the air.

Turning in his arms she gave him a questioning look. "Did you do this?"

Surveying the scene Patrick shook his head. "N-not m-me. M-must be other boyf-f-friend."

Standing on her tiptoes she stole a quick kiss. "Maybe. But you are my favourite boyfriend" she teased. Patrick swatted her behind as she skipped down the steps towards the table.

Seeing a card peeking out from the flowers she hastily grabbed it. "It's from Jax" she said. "He's wishing us a good night"

"Going to be a g-g-great night" he amended as he closed the door and shrugged off his coat.

"Yes it is" she agreed as she hung her coat on the back of the chair.

Carrying the basket to the fireplace she set it on the hearth and then pulled several large pillows from the couch and arranged them strategically. Patrick pulled the bottle of wine from where it was being chilled and gently eased the cork from the bottle. Taking hold of the two glasses, he made his way to the fireplace and settled down next to Robin against the pillows.

He filled a glass, passing it to her, before filling his own. Setting the bottle down on the hearth he sank against the cushions and drew her to him. Robin settled into his arms and dropped her head against his shoulder as she drank in the warmth of the fire. Sipping the wine, she sighed contentedly.

"I have a question for you," she began quietly.

"Oh?" he replied, dropping a kiss on her shoulder.

"When we…when we went on the picnic the first time – were you expecting it to end in sex?" She shivered as Patrick smiled against her skin.

He set his glass down and got to his feet. Seeing Robin's curious look he motioned with his hand that he was going to get his board and his pen. She smiled sympathetically in reply. She knew how much he hated not being able to express himself just as he wanted to, when he wanted to. She had every confidence that he was going to get it all back, in fact she knew his capacity to respond to a challenge was limitless, but patience had never been a strong suit for him.

Having retrieved his board he padded back towards her and settled back down. The flames from the burning logs danced brightly illuminating them both with an ethereal glow.

_Expecting? No. Hoping? Yes. Robin, I wanted you as badly then as I do now. _

She smiled at his candour. "Yes but you weren't in love with me then."

"Yes I w-w-was." _I just didn't know it. _

Her eyes widened with surprise. She had felt something shift inside her that night, that first time they were together but she had long believed it was just her. Hers had always been an open heart brimming with love and while it was difficult for her to trust people, it had always been easy for her to love. It was both a blessing and a curse. It often meant that her heart dared where angels feared to tread and when the other person – be it family or friend – couldn't or wouldn't return the feelings she wound up battered and bruised. That night, even as she was falling in to love with him, she had tried to convince herself that she wasn't. She had told herself that if she shut down her expectations and concentrated only on the hedonistic pleasures of being with him it would be a good experience for her. Feelings could be denied and ignored but they could not be stopped and that night as they made love while the rain beat down on the roof her feelings for him had taken root.

"Really?" she queried in disbelief.

He nodded and picked up his pen. _I started to pursue you for the challenge and because you were the first person in a long time who was not the slightest bit swayed by my considerable charm_.

Robin snickered and bussed her lips against him.

_But it seemed that every time I had you figured out I would discover something new and before I knew it I found myself wanting to be in your company. I felt different around you, I felt better around you. And it scared the crap out of me so I figured if I could screw you out of my system then I could go back to being how I liked. _

"You mean going back to keep people at a distance?" she asked him softly.

"Y-y-yes." _I didn't believe I was good enough for you beyond a quick roll in the hay and so it was easier to keep you away than have you figure out who I really was. _

With a slight tremble in her hand, she reached out and stroked his cheek, smiling as he turned his lips and pressed a kiss to it. "But I did figure out who you really are and I am amazed on a daily basis."

The apples of Patrick's cheeks flushed warmly. When his mother died and his father started down the path of self destruction, he had shut down. He had carefully constructed his armour and embraced a shallow, non-committal lifestyle so that no one would have the capacity to hurt him in any way. But somehow, some way, Robin had seen past it all and by challenging him, daring him, disagreeing with him and ultimately calling him out on his choices she had pushed him into discovering the man he really was – the one whose potential his parents had trumpeted for so long.

_That night – touching you, tasting you, being wrapped up in you – I felt things in a way I had never felt before. _

"It freaked you out, huh?"

"H-hell yes."

"Me too" she admitted softly. "I swore I would never fall in love again and I woke up in your arms wanting to never leave."

Circling his arms around her waist, he pulled her to him. "Don't h-h-have to." He trailed his fingers underneath her sweater, grazing her warm, bare skin.

Robin let out a pleasurable sigh at his touch and melted further against him. She turned in his arms and raising her head to meet his, caught his lips with her own. He eagerly returned her kiss, plunging his tongue into her mouth. Her hands flew to his shirt and made quick work of the buttons that stood between her and his soft, bare skin. She swallowed down his moan as she pushed his shirt open and swept her hands across his chest.

Patrick slowly let go of her lips and whispered soft, feathery kisses along her cheek and down her neck. Working his tongue against the hollow of her neck, he slid his hands around her back and grabbed hold of the sweater's hem, pulling it from her body. Robin sat up, straddling his lap and smiled contentedly as he gazed longingly at her. He drew his hands along her rib cage and traced the curve of her breasts through the lacy material of her bra.

She inhaled deeply as his thumbs brushed against her hardening nipples. Not wanting barriers between them she reached behind and flicked the clasp of her bra, letting it fall from her shoulders and shimmying out of it. Feeling his arousal growing underneath her, Robin lightly rotated her hips delighting as Patrick's eyes darkened with desire. In one fluid motion, Patrick swept her underneath him and greedily covered one of her breasts with his mouth; she gasped as his tongue flicked her nipple while his other hand kneaded her other breasts. Her hands flew to his hair, pulling him closer and urging him to continue his ministrations.

She whimpered as he let go of her breast and began to kiss his way down her smooth, taut torso. He flicked open the button of her jeans and pulled them from her legs, tossing them to the side. Her hips lifted from the floor as he blew a warmth breath against her panties.

"Oh god Patrick" she rasped. A rush of warmth flooded her sex and her heart began to hammer loudly in her chest.

He smiled and blew another breath as his fingers curled through the lace panties and he pulled them from her legs. No sooner had she kicked them off then he was peppering her thighs with small kisses, working his way back to the apex. Lifting his head he watched her face as he slid two fingers inside her slick channel, loving the way her skin flushed and her eyes took on a hazy unfocused look. She needed her own breasts, pulling and tugging at her nipples. His own erection strained almost painfully at his jeans and he shifted trying to make himself more comfortable.

His hand languidly pumped in and out, ignoring her silent pleas to go faster. He brought her as close to the edge as he could before reluctantly pulling out; she mewled at the loss of contact. Reaching out with her hand she stroked his evident arousal, her eyes dancing as she felt him twitch in response.

"I'm going to need you out of those pants" she told him seductively.

Flashing a lazy smile, Patrick rose to his feet and let them drop to the floor. He placed his hands on his hips and waggled his eyebrows at her as his erection sprang forth. Her fingertips danced along the glistening head before tracing it's length.

"It's so beautiful" she said hoarsely.

"So are y-y-you."

She curled her hand around his shaft and slowly pumped it. "Come show me" she encouraged, loving the way his eyes rolled to the back of his head as she continued to stroke him.

Sinking to his knees Patrick reached for his jeans and pulled a condom from his back pocket. He quickly tore open the packet and sheathed himself before slowly, lazily crawling up towards her. He settled himself on top of her, his erection pressing against her legs and as she opened herself up to him, he plunged deep inside.

"Fuck!" Robin gasped.

Patrick seized her mouth with his own, his tongue thrusting in time with his body as Robin sat up, wrapping her arms around his back and pressing herself into him. She swore she could feel his heart beating in time with his as her hips met his thrust for thrust. Pleasure surged through both their bodies as they hurtled towards their climaxes.

"L-love you" Patrick panted as she bit down on his shoulder.

Robin shuddered first as she was awash in pleasure and Patrick followed close behind with one last powerful thrust in to her.

Her eyes flew open and met his; his mouth hung open, panting.

"Patrick?" she asked breathlessly.

"R-robin?"

"Shit!" she exclaimed pushing him off of her.

The condom had broken.


	126. Chapter 133

**Chapter 133**

I feel just like I'm sinking  
And I claw for solid ground

The crackle of the fire echoed in the small cabin as they stared silently at each other. Robin's chest heaved as panic swept through her. It was the nightmare scenario for her. It was a risk they took every single time but she lived in state of denial that it could ever happen. Now that it had, she was inert.

Patrick carefully removed the condom and checked the tip. It was the tiniest of tears but large enough to have exposed him. He looked over at Robin and saw her face crumple for the briefest of moments before she clenched her jaw tightly, willing herself to stay strong.

"It's sm-sm-small" he told her trying to reassure her.

Panic gave way to anger and Robin snatched her jeans from underneath the pile of clothes. She tugged them over her legs and then grabbed her bra and sweater. She was dressed in under 30 seconds.

"I don't care how small it is" she answered tightly. "Get dressed, we're going to the hospital."

Patrick watched her carefully and felt his heart sink. There were many things he could understand, rationalize or empathize with but he knew there was nothing in his experience that would allow him to understand what she was feeling at this very moment. He thought often of her HIV but it was always in relation to her health, their future, her longevity and while those things could be burdensome unto themselves, they were but small matters compared to her knowing she was always at risk of passing on the virus to another person – to him. The knowledge about her disease that she had to carry with her could be oppressive at time and it was a miracle that rather than buckling under the weight of it she threw herself into her life, she opened herself to experience all there was to have. In this very moment he hoped he was not watching the beginnings of her closing herself off.

"You ok-kay?" he asked as he picked up his jeans.

"Am I okay? Am I okay?" she scoffed angrily. "Why sure Patrick, I'm just fine. After all I've only just exposed the man I love to a terminal disease. And this on the heels of him almost dying once. So yeah, I'm fine. Never better."

Pulling his shirt on, he buttoned it quickly but left it untucked. He walked towards her and reached for her hand, grimacing as she shook him off. "R-robin,"

"We don't have time" she snapped, quickly walking around the room and blowing out all the candles. "We have to go to the hospital. So get your shoes on and let's go – stop fucking wasting time."

Slinging his hands low on his hips he stared at her. Anger was leaching from her and filling the room. He didn't know if she was angry with him, the condom or herself and in the end it didn't matter; there was no point in being angry at any of it, it was no one's fault.

He crossed the room to where she was rooting around for something in her purse and closed his arms around her. She squirmed trying to get away from him but he was too strong for her and he just held her. For a moment – just one moment – she gave in to it and leaned back against him, swallowing down the tearful lump that was filling her throat. Feeling his kiss on her cheek snapped her out of fleeting reverie and escaped from his embrace.

"Are you ready?"

Sighing in temporary defeat Patrick nodded and returned to the fireplace to extinguish the fire. He pulled his jacket from the back of his chair and tugged it on. Collecting his board and small bag in one hand, he held out his other hand to her only to have her rebuff him again. He cursed his poor speech. How would he ever be able to reassure her both that he was alright and of his love if all he could do was stammer and trip over his own tongue? What she needed, what she desperately needed, was for him to not sound as though he was sick or weak but being inarticulate did little to help him make his case.

Flinching as she hurled her bag into the back seat before slipping into the driver's seat, Patrick rubbed his hand over his heart where his tattoo lay. It was going to be a long night and they were going to need all the help they could get.

Robin gripped the steering wheel so tightly as she manoeuvred her car over the snow covered roads that her knuckles were white. Her heart hammered loudly in her chest belying her fear and dread so she turned up the radio hoping to drown it out. She had exposed someone else to HIV. This wasn't like his exposure operating on April Gilbert, something that had happened through an act of courage, this was – she had exposed him not to HIV but to her HIV and the thought of it made her sick to her stomach.

She had long lived with the knowledge that she had the power to change someone's life forever; all that was needed was a slip of a knife or a broken condom. Stone died knowing he had made her sick and while she had survived a lot since then she was not sure that she could survive making Patrick sick. This – this was why she had hidden from love and relationships. It was easy to say she did so because she didn't want to be hurt again but truthfully, deep down inside, it was because of this. Having HIV and being intimate with someone carried a responsibility that was almost impossible to wrap your head around.

Stealing a look at Patrick, who was staring out the window while wringing his hands, she felt a war of emotions break out inside of her. Fear, guilt, love, anger and they all were threatening to swallow her whole. She wanted to say something to him, she wanted to tell him how sorry she was but she was afraid to open her mouth. She was afraid if she opened her mouth she would start screaming and never stop. She tightened her grip on the steering wheel and bit down on her cheek.

*****

After almost an hour of driving in stark silence, Robin was grateful to see the familiar neon shine of the hospital sign. As they exited the car she moved to reach for his hand but shoved her hands in her pockets instead. She just….she wasn't ready to touch him. It was stupid and irrational and it made no difference. Much like the purple spots on her skin this was one more slap in the face reminder of how pervasive her disease was.

As they walked through the front door she paused and Patrick spun around, giving her a questioning look.

"I just realized I don't think Alan is working tonight" she said softly, her eyes downcast.

"Th-then who?" he asked quietly as he tried to get her to look at him.

She shrugged. "I…I don't know…I guess we could-"

Patrick took her hand in his and gave it a small squeeze. "K-kelly," he stated. "We s-s-see Kelly." Too tired to push him away and not really wanting to anyways, she nodded and let him lead her to the elevator.

As the large doors closed he drew her to him and wrapped her in his arms, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. He gave a sigh of relief as he felt her arms go around him and squeeze him tightly.

"I'm sorry" she whispered. "I am so very sorry."

Sliding his finger under her chin, he tipped her face towards him. "No – no ss-s-sorry. I love you."

Unable to speak Robin sucked in a breath and buried her face into his chest breathing in his warmth. As the doors dinged open Patrick gave her a quick kiss and keeping hold of her hand they walked together to Kelly's office.

****

The obstetrician was surprised to see her friends sitting in her waiting area and judging by the haunted look on Robin's face she had an inkling of what the problem was. Greeting them warmly, she ushered them into her office.

"So, what's going on?" she asked breezily.

Robin cleared her throat. "The condom broke."

"Okay," she nodded, turning her attention to Patrick. "Patrick do you have any sores, cuts or scrapes on your penis?" He shook his head. "I will call down to the pharmacy and have them fill a prescription for PEP."

Robin groaned. It had to be done but memories of his struggles during his first few days on PEP the last time flashed before her eyes. He had already been through so much – radiation, chemotherapy, surgery – and now just as he was feeling stronger he was going to get knocked down again.

Patrick brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. "It's ok-k-kay" he reassured her.

"It's not" she answered quietly, "but it's awfully nice of you to say so."

His brown eyes flashed with pain as he looked at her. She was struggling to keep her head above water and after all she had just come through – his surgery, his leaving, her protocol change – this could be the straw to break the camel's back.

"Robin," Kelly interrupted, "do you want the morning after pill?"

"What?" she asked quickly, blinking in surprise.

"The morning after pill" she repeated. "To prevent pregnancy – I mean – I don't know where you guys are at but it's an option if you want it."  
Robin looked from Patrick to Kelly and back again. "I, uh…I don't know – uh – isn't it hard on the system?"

"It can be," she replied. "Most women experience vomiting and nausea, dizziness, headaches and irregular bleeding to some degree but it usually passes in about two days."

"I don't know" she stammered, looking to Patrick. "What do you think?"

Pushing her chair back, Kelly rose to her feet. "Why don't I give you guys some time to talk it over while I go get Patrick's prescription ready?"

"Thanks Kel," Robin smiled gratefully.

Her friend patted her shoulder as she left the room.

"Do you want me to take the pill?" Robin asked as she turned in her seat to face him.

Scrambling to his feet, Patrick walked to Kelly's desk retrieving a pen and a pad of paper. It was killing him to have to write the conversation.

_It's up to you_ he wrote, _I will support you no matter what you choose to do. _

A faint smile crossed her lips as she read his note. "But you must have an opinion" she suggested thinking back to the note he had written to Eric about being unable to imagine being a father.

Tapping the pen against his lips Patrick contemplated his answer. _I think your body has been through the ringer in the last few weeks and I worry what another few days of throwing up and being dizzy will do to you. It is really unlikely that you could become pregnant from this – there was as much left in the condom as there was in you. It would not be my first option for you but it is ultimately your choice._

Robin chewed on her bottom lip. "And my cycles are kind of out of whack anyways. I…I really don't want to spend another two days puking my guts out."

_Then I think that is your answer. _

As the enormity of the situation crashed over her like a wave, her eyes filled with tears. "I am so sorry Patrick – you have no idea how sorry."

"St-t-top" he stammered. _This isn't your fault. This isn't my fault. This was an accident. _

"Patrick, you have to go on PEP – AGAIN!" she cried. "I could have infected you!"

_You didn't _he scribbled furiously _The chances of me contracting HIV from you are small and add the PEP I am in good shape. Robin, this was bound to happen – and will happen again – if we're going to build a life together. It's part of the risk of us being together and being with you – us being together is worth it._

"Don't say that" she whispered, swiping at her eyes. "Nothing is worth that."

"You are" he told her as he pulled her to his lap. He draped his arm around her hip and pressed a kiss to her neck. "You are."

Letting out a long, slow breath, she dropped her head to his shoulder and linked her fingers through his. "I'm going to need you to be patient with me."

"As l-l-long as it t-t-takes." He placed their joined hands over his heart.

"I love you"


	127. Chapter 134

**Chapter 134**

Well it's these little times that help to remind  
It's nothing without love

It had been two days since the broken condom and after hovering over Patrick wanting to help him with even the smallest side effect, he had kindly and gently suggested she might prefer to devote her attention to work rather than him. He was, in fact, responding well to the PEP and seemed to be taking it in stride - something she was yet unable to but kept reaching for.

Hearing a light rap at her lab door Robin peered over the top of her microscope, surprised to find her boyfriend's best friend filling the doorway.

"Eric, hi" she greeted him breezily.

"Hey" he smiled stepping inside. "How's it going?"

Cocking an eyebrow she looked at him knowingly. "Patrick told you, didn't he?"

"About the PEP? Yeah - he had to - I'm still his doctor."

"And he sent you here to check up on me?" she bristled slightly.

"Ah, no" he replied. "I'm actually here for a favour."

Pushing away from her microscope and her curiosity peaked, she waved him all the way in. "What kind of favour?"

"I have a surgery this afternoon" he told her as he brandished the file, "and I was wondering if you could assist? Intercereberal hemorrhage in a peds case and I could use an extra set of eyes in the OR, if you're game."

Taking the file from his hands she flipped it open and scanned it quickly, letting out a low whistle as she read the list of injuries. "Abused?" she asked looking up. Eric nodded wordlessly. Closing the file, she handed it back to him "I'd be happy to assist."

"Thanks," he smiled gratefully. "I'll have the films sent down to you - we're booked for 1 o'clock." Turning on his heel he headed for the door.

"Hey Eric" she called to him.

Stopping, he looked over his shoulder back at her. "Yeah?"

"I...I'm looking forward to working with you" she told him.

It was the truth. When Patrick had finally come clean about the meningioma she had done her own research on Eric Smitherman and was suitably impressed with what she had found out. It had been easy to lose sight of that when fighting for Patrick, when she had been so personally invested in every minute detail. And she had been harsh with him, she knew that but now it was professional not personal and like with all things in her career she relished new opportunities.

Eric grinned shyly. "Me too Robin, me too."

****  
After receiving his prescription from Kelly, he and Robin had returned to their apartment and flopped on to the bed emotionally exhausted. He considered it a victory as Robin had curled herself towards him, sliding her arms around his waist and burrowing close to him. His own arms had closed around her and they had spent several minutes just kissing; soft, tender, loving kisses to remind each other that regardless of how difficult a situation they had each other. The tension had slowly left Robin's body and as they had finally drifted off to sleep she had tangled her legs through his and brought her head to rest on his chest. In his life he had not experienced a greater feeling than being wrapped together with the woman he loved. It had become his anchor.

His adjustment to the PEP had been much faster this time and he wondered if his body hadn't just become immune to being knocked around be medication; afterall if he could make it through chemotherapy and radiation what were a few pills. He had told Eric the first day and always his friend had offered only support and not a single judgemental word. Now, two days into it, he knew he needed to tell his father. One one level he believed it wasn't his father's business and that there was no need to tell anyone else about it. But thinking back to the letter he had written him, laying out how much he meant to him, he knew it would be unfair to keep this information from him.

Sucking in a deep breath, Patrick knocked on the door and waited. He heard the chain being pulled from the door and a shy smile formed across his mouth as his father pulled open the door.

"H-hi"

"Patty" Noah said softly, trying to hide his surprise. He could count on one hand all the times his son had visited his apartment in the two years he had been in Port Charles. And while he was grateful for the surprise visit, his stomach started to knot; he was under no illusions that his son was making a purely social visit. "Come in"

Patrick pulled the black beanie from his head as he crossed the threshold. His hair was growing thicker every day and it was going a long way to making him feel more like himself than anything else could.

"How are y-y-you?"

"I'm good" Noah replied, holding his hand out to take his coat. "Do you want something to drink?"

Patrick shrugged. "T-tea?"

"Sure" Noah strode the kitchen and plugged the kettle in.

Walking into the living room Patrick smiled as he saw one of his mother's paintings hanging over the mantle. It showed the Hamptons house ablaze in fall colours and if he remembered correctly it was one of the last paintings she had done. Moving closer to it he drank it in and traced his finger over her signature in the bottom right hand corner. There was never going to be a day when he didn't miss her. Looking over his shoulder as he heard his father come in to the room he knew that his father felt exactly the same way.

"How are you feeling?" Noah asked as he pressed a mug into his son's hand.

Patrick gave a weak smile. "Ok-k-kay" he answered, sinking into the dark green couch. He set his mug down on the table and reached for his board and pen.

_Robin and I had an accident_

"What kind of accident?" Noah asked as he tried to keep his vioce steady.

_The condom broke. I'm on PEP._

Noah blanched visibly and his hand trembled ever so slighty as he reached for his own mug with steam billowing into the air. He was not unaware of the risks his son faced by being in a relationship with an HIV positive woman and for the most part he was able to push them from his mind but this news brought them all rushing back. Taking a long sip of tea, he leaned back into his chair and prayed he would say the right thing.

"How is Robin's viral load?"

_It's back to where it was. The risk to me is very small. _

"But not eliminated. The risk to you is not eliminated."

Patrick narrowed his eyes as he looked at his father. It was a dance, an awkward nerve-wracking dance they did on this subject. Each putting one foot forward and testing the waters, trying not to do or say the wrong thing.

_I was at greater risk during the Gilbert surgery. Anyways, I'm going to be fine there's no need to worry. _

Noah scoffed. "Son, one day you're going to be a father and you will understand that there is no off switch to worrying about your children. I hate that Robin is HIV positive - it's unfair but I also hate the risk it represents to you-"

"I L-LOVE HER!" he exclaimed loudly.

"I know you do" he told him softly. "And I think she's a great match for you. But the virus she carries scares the crap out of me because you are my son - my only child - and the idea that you could contract HIV worries me."

Patrick rolled his eyes and folded his arms across his chest in disbelief, glaring incredulously at his father.

Noah shook his head. "If you're expecting me to apologise you'll have a long wait. And I bet if you were to ask Mac, if the situation were reversed, if he would be overjoyed at his niece being in a relationship with a man who is HIV positive you would find that he would say no. It doesn't mean I don't love Robin - I do and I admire the relationship the two of you have - and the man you are with her. But the reality of HIV makes me worried for you and I won't apologise for that."

Sighing, he pulled his board back to his lap. _I appreciate you worrying about me but as I told Robin, this was bound to happen and will happen again as we build a life together._

Noah blinked several times in surprise as he read the board. "B-build a life together?" he stammered, a smile forming on his face. "Are you...do you want to....do you think...are you going to propose?"

He decided to keep the news of his first impromptu proposal under wraps. He nodded as he answered. "Y-yes." _How did you know that Mom was the person you wanted to marry?_

Pulling his glasses from his face, he glanced at the painting over the mantle and back at his son. "Because it was impossible to imagine a life not married to her" he answered softly.

_I get that_ Patrick wrote, smiling.

Noah nodded. "I am so very proud of you and your mom would be too."

****  
Robin sank down on the bench beside Eric and tiredly rubbed her hands over her face. It had been a long, complicated surgery on a six year old boy already weakened by kidney disease. The list of his previous injuries took her breath away as did the size of the intracereberal hemorrhage. For such a little boy his body had been through the wringer.

"You were really, really good" Robin said as she massaged the back of her neck.

Opening his eyes, Eric inhaled sharply. "Thanks. I'm grateful you were there - your suggestions were spot on. Now I know why Pantsy doesn't like to share you with other doctors."

She could not keep the flush from her cheeks. Patrick was always quiet in his praise of her and as they first got to know each other she thought it was because he didn't value her skills; as time went on she learned that he was territorial and didn't want other doctors poaching her away from him. It was both flattering and irritating at the same time.

"How do you feel about his prognosis?"

Eric shrugged exhaustedly. "He's got so many strikes against him. Curtis thinks his leg healed incorrectly from a previous break and wants to rebreak it so he can reset it. Honestly, how much can one child take?"

"You don't...you don't like peds cases do you?"

He shook his head. "They're hard. I find them emotionally draining and this kid - this little boy deserves so much better than what life has offered him so far. Beaten by his father, ignored by his mother - who the hell does that to a child?"

"Is it harder because you can't have children?" she prodded gently.

Shooting her a curious look, he leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees. "I don't know, probably. All I know is that if I were a parent - if I were that lucky to have a child - there is no force on earth that could make me hurt them; I would sooner die."

Readjusting her ponytail, she swiveled on the bench to face him. Thoughts of pregnancy, children and parenthood had been ever present in her mind since she decided against taking the morning after pill. The chances that she could get pregnant were miniscule but it was enough to let her mind wander to foolish places. "Have you ever thought about adopting? Eric someone who wants to be a parent as badly as you should be"

"That's really kind of you," he told her quietly, "but they don't let single men adopt - we're all closeted pedophiles don't you know?"

"But you're not single," she protested, "you're with Alexis."

Eric chuckled. "Alexis and I are a very, very long way away from having that conversation - if ever. Look, we don't all get everything we want from life and some days I'm okay with that and some days I'm not."

"And today?"

"Definitely not okay with it," he admitted. "That boy on my table is precious and beautiful and that someone saw fit to use him as a punching bag makes me sick." Sucking in a breath he cocked his head to the side and looked at her. "What about you and Patrick? Have you guys thought about kids?"

Chewing on her bottom lip, Robin shrugged. "We had one very vague conversation about it a while ago. But he doesn't want to be a father," she told him, recalling his scribbled sentence.

"How do you know if he hasn't said so?"

"I just do" she replied, twisting her surgical cap in her hands. "He has built a life that doesn' t have room for children."

Leaning back against the wall Eric gave her a bemused smile. "True. But he also built a life that didn't have room for falling in love and yet he did. In fact one could say he embraced it"

"It's not the same thing" Robin cast her eyes to the floor.

"No, it's not" he agreed. "But it's not impossible either. Look Patrick may take a long time to make up his mind and when he does he's pretty sure of himself but he is always - always - open to having his mind changed under the right circumstances."

"We're not ready for baby anyways," she told him as she rose to her feet. "We have so much going on. Anyways, I should go wrap up my notes and head home - as should you."

"Yes boss," he grinned.

Giving him a small wave Robin headed for the door, stopping as he called to her.

"Thanks for all your all help today - I couldn't have done it without you."

"I was glad to be there - thanks for asking"

"And Robin? Have a little faith in my boy - he might just surprise you."


	128. Chapter 135

**Chapter 135**

You've got to count your blessings,  
Count your lucky days

A small appeared across Patrick's face as he felt Robin's lips peppering soft kisses on his chest. Lazily drawing her closer to him he kissed the top of her head. "M-m-morning," he mumbled sleepily.

"Morning" she repeated.

Patrick caught his breath as she lifted her head from his chest and a curtain of long, rich brown hair framed her faced and draped casually over her shoulders. A smattering of freckles appeared on her shoulders where the sun had kissed her. He gently tucked the hair away from her face and bussed her lips.

She swept a hand across his chest as her skin flushed under his gaze. He had a way of looking at her, of drinking her in, that made her stomach drop. "How are you feeling this morning? Any nausea, chills?"

He good naturedly rolled his eyes. "You h-have to st-st-stop." With a light groan he grabbed the board and pen from the nightstand. _Robin, you need to stop acting like you are somehow responsible for this._

"But I am" she replied softly.

He shook his head. "No" _The condom broke. It happens and we deal with it._

Rolling away from him she flopped against the pillows and let out an exasperated sigh. "I don't understand how you are so calm about this. Every time I think I've reached a point where I'm okay with it, it all comes rushing back."

_I'm calm because what else can I do? You taught me that after the Gilbert surgery - that I had to keep it all in perspective and not let my mind race to all the worst case scenarios._

Chuckling softly she shook her head. "I taught you that, huh? Can we file it under the 'do as I say, not as I do' category?"

Rolling on to his side he softly stroked his hand across her belly. "It's g-g-going to be okay," he told her.

"I don't know what I'd do if you ever became sick because of me" she whispered as she slipped her hand inside of his.

With his one hand free, he scribbled awkwardly on the board. _Even if the worst happened I would not be sick because of you. _

"I'm trying to have faith Patrick but it's just feeling a little hard to come by."

Dropping a kiss over her heart, he raised his head and smiled lovingly at her. He had drawn so much strength from her when he needed it; he remembered clearly standing on the rooftop of the hospital after his first exposure and being absolutely inert with fear, unsure of how he could keep going. She had called his name and he had tugged her to his body, wrapping his arms around her and holding her tightly. The warmth of her body against his, the feel of her heartbeat was all he needed in that moment to know he would get through it and he wanted to do the same for her.

Robin ran her hands over his shoulders, tracing small patterns against his skin. He was careful, patient and kind with her - as she had been with him when he was struggling with his tumour - and not for the first time she thanked the universe for putting him in her path and for getting her out of her own way and letting things unfold as they were meant to.

"We need some fun!" she said suddenly and laughed as Patrick waggled his eyebrows. "Not that kind of fun - not yet" she addeed softly. "Why don't we challenge Alexis and Eric to a couple of games of pool over beer and wings?"

Patrick smiled and kissed her shoulder. "G-good idea. Seeing Sm-smitty this aft, will ask."

He blew out his cheeks as he finished his sentence. Despite reassurances from his speech therapist that he was making substantial improvement, he had yet to see it. In his mind he felt no further along than he did when he woke up in the hospital speaking gibberish. There was a part of him that felt ungrateful for his frustrations over his speech; having read his chart more times than he could count he was well aware, clinically at least, that his outcome exceeded all expectations. But there were days he felt less than whole as he had to resort to writing his thoughts rather than speaking. And the banter - the banter rife with double entendres and innuendo - that he so enjoyed with Robin was almost impossible.

Sliding her fingers under his chin and tipping his face towards her, Robin closed her mouth over his in a languid, passionate kiss. "We're going to kick their asses" she teased as they broke away, "and have them crying for their mamas!"

"I l-like f-f-fiesty" Patrick teased. "You sh-shower, I'll coffee."

"Deal" she grinned, stealing another kiss before kicking the covers back and heading to the bathroom.

****  
Seated bedside, Eric watched Joshua's chest rise and fall in time with the ventilator. He had been horrified to discover from one of the nurses that there had been no visitors save for an officer from Child and Protetctive Services. With both of his parents in jail on charges of abuse and endangering the welfare of a minor, there was no one to sit vigil with him and he found himself wondering how he would ever wake up if he didn't think there were people who wanted him to? He had a sweet face framed by a mess of dark black curls; his skin was a light olive and there was a light dusting of freckles scattered across his nose.

"So what do you think Joshua - or is it Josh?" he asked out loud. "Would you like me to read to you? Being a big guy of six you're probably in to Harry Pottery or Lemony Snicket but unfortunately I only have Dr. Seuss - I hope that's not too uncool for you."

Under almost any other circumstance he would have felt ridiculous talking out loud to a patient he did not know but in this room with the soft hiss of the ventilator it seemed like the most natural thing to do. Reaching into the small plastic bag he retreived a book.

"How do you feel about 'Oh, the places you'll go?' Actually I have a great story about this book," he pattered on. "I have this amazing cousin and when I graduated high school she gave me a copy of it as a gift. I know what you're thinking - you're thinking if Dr. Seuss isn't cool at six then it definitely isn't cool at 18 but you know what Josh? It's the best gift I ever got. To have someone to encourage your spirit of adventure and discovery is a generosity that cannot be matched."

Cracking open the book, he began to read. Every once in a while he would look up from the page and see the young boy's eyes fluttering and for a moment - just a moment - his heart would race thinking he was responding. But the surgeon in him knew it was far too early for him to respond to any kind of stimuli like that. Having finished the story, he closed the book and slipped it back in his bag. He took his little hand in his own and rubbed it.

"Okay buddy, I have to get going but I'll be back later on to check on you. Take it easy Josh."

Pushing back his chair and rising to his feet, he froze in his spot when he saw Patrick standing on the other side of the door. Smiling weakly, he gave a small wave and headed out to meet him.

"Hey Pantsy - how's it going?"

"G-good" he answered quietly. "You?"

"Yeah, I'm good" he answered quickly. "Want to have a cup of awful coffee with me?"

Patrick nodded and the two friends headed in silence to the cafeteria. As they slid into their seats in the far corner away from prying eyes, Patrick pulled out the board.

_Is that the patient Robin assisted on?_

Eric nodded. "She was brilliant" he gushed. "Your girlfriend is one talented doctor."

Patrick smiled knowingly. _Damn straight. And while you are welcome to borrow her brilliance in my absence, when I get back to work I'm not sharing. _

"Meanie" he teased.

_Smitty - I want you to promise me that you're going to be careful._

Reading his note, Eric scrunched up his face. "What are you talking about?"

_All the nurses knew I could find you in his room - they tell me you've been spending all your free time in there._

"And?" he asked tightly. "I wasn't aware it was a crime to check in on my patients."

Patrick shook his head. _That's not what I mean and you know it. You can't get attached to him - it will only end badly for you. _

"I'm NOT attached" he answered a little more loudly than he had intended."I read him a story for christ's sake - he's six and alone. Unlike you, I'm actually not terrified of kids or afraid I'll catch cooties if I spend time with them."

_No, you're the opposite of terrified of them - you run towards them. There is a reason you don't regularly do peds cases, remember? This is why. I'm asking you to be careful._

His blue eyes clouded over and he fixed his friend with a steely look. "Is there a point to your visit today other than to annoy the shit out of me?"

Knowing he had pushed his friend as far as he could, Patrick dropped the subject. _Robin wants to kick your ass at pool and I figured it would be good for Alexis to watch you cry. You game?_

His mouth curled up into a half smile and blowing out his cheeks, he nodded. "Sure. Of course, I'll refrain from commenting on what it means about your manhood that you send your girlfriend to beat me at pool - at least I'll refrain from commenting until she's within earshot."

"Such a p-p-prince" he teased, getting to his feet. "We c-c-cool?"

Eric nodded. "Always."

Patrick smiled as he scribbled one last note. _Jakes' 8pm - tell Alexis to bring extra tissues, you'll need it._

As the door to Jake's swung open Robin looked up from the table and clapped giddily as Eric and Alexis walked in. "Let the ass kicking begin!"

Grinning as she approached the table, Alexis shook her head. "Please be gentle with him Robin, the last time you beat him he cried for a week."

Eric dropped her hand and stepped to the side. "Es-tu Alexis? You're supposed to be on my side."

"I am?" she asked with faux innocence. "But I was told this would be great entertainment - and you know how I like to be entertained."

"Yes I do" he replied smugly, "and if you aren't careful you may find yourself without entertainment for a long, long time."

"Lalalalalalalalalala" Patrick plugged his fingers in his ears.

"Meh" Alexis replied, sliding into the chair beside Robin. "I'm not worried. You like entertainment as much as I do and I'm quite convinced you can't actually go without for a long, long time."

"I hate you" he told her as he sat down beside Patrick. Reaching for the pitcher of beer, he filled the four glasses and passed them around. "And would someone please tell me how I became Robin's whipping boy?"

"The position was vacant" she answered, smiling. "And you fit the bill - you have a pulse."

"Okay, now I hate you too" he teased. "Are we playing for something - I mean other than the glorification of Robin's ego?"

Patrick nodded. "Weekend aw-w-way at Hamptons. L-losing team cooks for w-w-winning team"

"Hmm" Eric mused, "those are indeed interesting terms. I think I'm quite happy to lose. Alexis can cook for you both and the food poisoning will take your bragging down a few notches." He laughed as he dodged the pretzel she threw at him.

"You ready to put your cooking where your mouth is Smitherman?" Robin asked, pushing back her chair.

Eric got to his feet. "Smug is ugly in one so little."

"Keep talking giant boy - the fall from way up there will just be that much sweeter."

Reaching for Robin's hand, Patrick pulled her to him and brushed his lips against her cheek. "You're h-h-hot when you trash t-t-talk" he whispered.

Cupping his face, Robin kissed him full on the mouth, sweeping her tongue ever so briefly inside his mouth. "You're just hot"

Smiling, Patrick slapped her ass as she sashayed to the pool table.

*****  
"So nice of you to let me break" Eric mused as he lined up his shot.

Leaning against her cue she shrugged her shoulders. "Well I figured it was only sporting to let you get at least one turn at the table."

As the green ball sank in the far pocket he shook his head. "One of these days Scorpio I am going to make you eat your words."

"But not today, right?"

"Likely not" he chuckled.

"How are you doing Eric?" she asked casually as he looked for his next shot.

Looking at her over his shoulder, he narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean?" he asked suspiciously, thinking back to his conversation with Patrick in the cafeteria.

Not noticing the tone in his voice, Robin absently chalked her cue. "I'm just thinking it's been a while since you've moved here, you've started at a new hospital -how are you feeling about all that? 'Cause I don't think it was in your plans."

Letting out a long slow breath, he smiled. "You're right. It wasn't in my plans at all but sometimes the universe takes you off the path you're on and the payoff is pretty huge. I'm a lucky guy Robin - I get to be in the same city as my best friend, I've fallen in love with a most amazing woman and that makes the trade off of putting up with you worth it," he joked.

Robin tossed the chalk at him. "You're a jerk," she retorted with a grin. "But I'm glad you're around and in case I haven't said it, I'm glad Patrick has you."

"Right back at ya. Now, are you trying to distract me with your kindness or are you going to let me shoot?"

"I suppose" she sighed heavily. "Might as well get your final shots in before I clear the table."

As Eric leaned his lanky frame over the table, Robin cast a glance over to the table where Alexis and Patrick appeared to be laughing at some kind of joke and in that moment felt much of the heaviness of the last few days lift from her shoulders. There was no way to truly lighten the burden that exposing Patrick to HIV was for her but these touchstones of normalcy and the subtle reminders that life goes on without fail helped.

****  
Patrick poured Alexis another beer and passed the glass to her. "Never knew you d-d-drank b-beer."

She grinned. "If my artistocratic family could see me now they'd be spinning in their graves and that cheers me to no end." Leaning forward, she clinked glasses with him. "Your speech is really coming along."

He shook his head. "T-t-two year olds sp-speak better."

"Only the really smart ones." Patrick stuck his tongue out at her.

Running her finger along the rim of her glass, she chewed on her bottom lip as she worked her way to what she really wanted to tell him. She had gone back and forth on the subject wondering about whether she should or not but in the end decided that if it were her, she would want someone to do the same thing. "Patrick do you remember that you engaged me as your lawyer prior to your surgery?"

Furrowing his brow, he searched his mind for some memory of it and while he could not find it, the news rang true with him. "Don't remem-m-mber"

"You dictated a will to me, the week before your scheduled surgery. Neither your father nor Robin know about the will - though they know I was acting as your lawyer as I gave them your letters. And I'm wondering - it's up to you - but I'm wondering if you would like to read your will and see what your frame of mind was prior to surgery? I was thinking maybe it would be helpful?"

Exhaling, he sank back against the chair and stared into his beer. He wrote a will. He was so concerned about the outcome of the surgery he dictated a will; it seemed there were aspects of the person he was prior to surgery that he did not recognize now. While it made sense that he did so it just seemed like such a foreign idea in many ways. What were his thoughts just prior to surgery? He had some idea from the letters he wrote but a will was a much different beast - it was a final word on his life, or what he meant to be the final word on his life. And in there could lie a key to more memories.

He nodded "I would l-l-l-like that"


	129. Chapter 136

**Chapter 136**

It's all I can do to hang on,  
To keep from falling in old familiar shoes

Alexis gave him a sympathetic smile as she pushed the thick envelope across the desk to him. Patrick stared at it for several minutes as though he was not quite ready to touch it. The envelope bore the stamp of her practice and across the front, in perfectly typed letters was a phrase that gave him enormous pause:

**Last will and testament of Patrick Drake**

The silence grew heavier and Patrick extended his hand to take the envelope but pulled it back immediately as though he was having second thoughts.

"Patrick," Alexis began, "you don't have to read it. If you're uncomfortable or not ready I can put it back in your file and it will be here for you when you are ready."

He shook his head. Sometimes in life you weren't ready for something but that didn't mean you didn't do it anyways. It had been a sleepless night for him as he and Robin returned from Jake's. The news of his will was the only thing he could focus on and he had lain awake staring at the perfect circular stucco pattern on the ceiling waiting for morning to come.

Inhaling sharply, he finally grabbed the envelope and cradled it in his hands. He ran a finger along the sharp, perfect corners and looking up at Alexis, gave her a shy smile.

"You're welcome to read it here," she offered. "I could stick around in case you have any questions."

"N-no" he answered kindly. "N-n-need to be by m-m-myself."

She nodded her understanding. She had not told Eric about her offer, unsure whether or not he would approve but Patrick was her client and she was intent on acting in his best interests and she was confident that this was it.

"No worries. I'm around, so if after you read it you have questions or concerns – feel free to call me, drop by – whatever."

Nodding, he pushed back his chair and rose to his feet. He tucked the envelope inside his coat pocket and shook Alexis' hand.

"Th-thanks" he stammered. "M-means a lot."

"Anytime," she told him softly.

Once outside Alexis' office he wasn't sure where he wanted to go. He wanted to – he needed to – read it in a place where he wouldn't be interrupted or distracted. He had already experienced the spontaneous return of a few memories and any hope of it happening again meant that he needed to be alone and be quiet. Casting his eyes down the street he suddenly knew exactly where that was.

****  
As the sun beat down doing its best to send the remaining vestiges of winter into retreat, Patrick unbuttoned his coat and sank back against the bench. The surface of the water shone brightly and the sound of it lapping against the piers provided just the soothing rhythm he needed.

It always came back to here.

Robin had given him so many gifts in their relationship – herself for starters – but bringing him here when he was suffocating under the weight of April Gilbert's surgery was one of the best. She had told him that then just looking out at the horizon allowed her to keep everything in perspective and it now did the same for him. She had always pushed him to look one step beyond of where he was and that had given him so much.

Reaching inside his coat he retrieved the envelope and yet again stared at the typed title. As he had prepared for surgery, as he had lived those final days with the feeding tube and the chemotherapy, what had he considered to be important? How had he wanted those that mattered to him most to remember him? He looked down at the envelope again. There was only one way to find out.

Sliding his finger underneath the flap he released it from its seal and reaching inside, pulled out the document and laid it on his lap. His hands trembled ever so slightly as he picked it up and started to read.

He quickly scanned the formal legal language at the beginning and smirked to himself as he read that he was of sound mind. Robin would probably have joked there was a first time for everything.

_To my father Noah Drake, I leave the sum of $500,000 to start an assistance program for those without insurance. I believe that he has a lot to give yet and this is a way for him to do so._

I also leave to him my 1969 Mustang. It is in mint condition and at Delvano's Storage in East Hampton. I want him to drive it fast enough to feel the wind in his hair and the sun on his face. 

A bitter lump formed in his throat as he was suddenly assailed by images; his father cradling his head in his lap in the bathroom of the Metrocourt Ballroom; sitting at his bedside and calming him down as he struggled to wake; the poster boards crammed with photos of all of them – of his family; his father vainly trying to protect his face at he wailed on him with a flurry of fists at Kelly's; his father carefully undressing him after a violent seizure and getting him in to bed.

And then he heard it – loudly and clearly in his head – "I love you Patty"

Without being able to name all the times his father had said it to him in the months that he was sick he knew it was said often. He knew that his father was not a person for whom 'I love you' came easily and yet over and over again he had told him so that he would have something to hang on to in the darkness.

He swallowed thickly and looked back out at the water. He had spent years believing his father didn't love him and obviously had realized how wrong he had been prior to his surgery. Eric had told him that his father had been by his side through it all but being told something and knowing it to be true were not the same. His chest ached as he thought about how all of this had affected his father, as he understood, for the second time, the lengths to which his father had gone to protect his teenage son from the harsh realities of his mother's disease. And he had had to watch it all again. It was almost overwhelming.

He took another deep breath and picked up the document reading the next lines.

_To my friend Eric Smitherman, I leave the sum of $25,000 to be used expressly for the purchase of two season's tickets to the New York Rangers. Life is meant to be played and it's time to get back in the game. _

The corners of his mouth twitched upwards into a small smile. Even with absent memories there was no doubt in his mind that his friend had been by his side every step of the way, supporting him and pushing him, as he had always done – as they had always done for each other.

Closing his eyes, he could hear the fear in his own voice as he remembered that first message he had left for him, asking him to come to Port Charles. His heart began to thump loudly against his ribs as the old feelings of fear swirled around him. His mouth dropped open a little and he sucked in a breath. Fear had been his long time companion through all of it and it wasn't that he hadn't felt it since his surgery but now, in this moment, he understood it in ways he hadn't. His stomach pitched and rolled.

In an instant he saw himself lying on the table of the tattoo parlour and Eric teasing him about paying off the artist to draw a Carebear instead of his original design.

The design.

His chest started to heave. He had spent weeks thinking about the design. It suddenly hit him like a sucker punch that he had truly believed that he was never going to see Robin again. He had not necessarily accepted he was going to die but his life with Robin was going to be over – he had been sure of that. And it had torn at his insides like a thousand sharp blades.

He gripped his stomach as he felt it all again. A sheen of perspiration appeared on his forehead as he tried to slow the waves of memories that were poised ready to engulf him. Lifting a shaky hand, he rubbed his sweater just over his tattoo and tried to take one steadying breath after another. He swiped at his nose as though he could still feel the feeding tube in there, the rubber edged irritating the skin just under his nose.

Blowing out his cheeks he dropped his head to the back of the bench and clenched his eyes shut. He had been so close to the edge. He had almost no fight in him by the time his surgery had rolled around. In all of his life he had never felt as empty as he did in those final few days – not even his mother's death had left the type of void that near hopelessness had.

When the ground no longer felt like it was going to swallow him whole, he slowly opened his eyes and stared back at the water.

_Looks like you got your committed relationship by default Doctor Scorpio_

Those words from his first anguished visit to the piers rushed inside his mind. The irony of that statement was not lost on him. Even then, though couldn't articulate it, he had wanted a committed relationship with Robin and the universe had conspired to give it to him. But now was the blanks of the last six months started to fill in he realized how perilously close he had come to losing it all.

There were parts of his personality that he hated – his need to strike out like a five year old when he was frustrated, the overwhelming urge to run when things got difficult or messy and the tendency to throw away good things because on some level he didn't believe he deserved them. They were a crutch and it was painfully clear he had relied on them yet again when the going had gotten tough. He was at a loss to comprehend how Robin still had faith in him.

His tongue darted out and swept across his dry lips as he picked up the collection of papers again. Dread was beginning to fill the space in his joints as he wondered how he had wanted Robin to remember him.

_To Robin Scorpio, who has changed my life and given me what I needed to be a good man I leave the sum of $750,000. I saw a life for us together and though it is not to be there is no reason why you should not have all that you have dreamed of._

The owners of the corner house on Hunter Street have agreed to sell you their house for $250,000. I think you should install the biggest, most obnoxious porch swing on the wrap around porch and spend nights counting the stars and days soaking up the sun. A house is not always a home – home is where you are – but I think you can have both and you should. 

_I would also like you to plan the trip of a lifetime. You had talked once about wanting to take a year and chase the summer all around the globe. You should. You should watch the sun rise on Bondi Beach, have a morning coffee with the penguins in Tierra del Fuego and watch the sun set on the Acropolis in Athens. I think you should dance at a castle the way you did in Scotland and I think you should have waffles in Belgium. I would give anything to do those with you and know that if I could I would. _

Tears splattered on to his jeans and he made no effort to wipe them away. He could see the look of pure, unadulterated joy on her face as they danced in the ceilidh in Scotland. He remembered, almost as though he had a photo in his mind, how completely free she had been and how he had finally grasped that night that there was no end point to love, that it continued on and on and he wanted to hold on to it for everything he was worth.

And then he could feel her arms around him as they held on to each other on the floor of her bedroom after he told her he was leaving. His heart cracked and his head pounded as those old feelings of loss and panic swallowed him up.

_Please stay_

Her plaintive request echoed loudly in his ears – so loudly that he brought his hands to cover his ears hoping to block it out.

_"I think I want to marry her"_

"How drunk are you?"

"Pretty drunk but I still think I want to marry her. So you, uh, you gotta keep me alive so I can, okay?"

His head was spinning, his heart was hammering and his hands were shaking. Memory after memory, bits of conversations, a flurry of images, they all continued to crash over him and he felt paralyzed by it. He wanted to see Robin but at the same time was suddenly embarrassed by his behaviour; he was humiliated as he remembered her seeing him seize, writhing on the ground with little dignity.

He wasn't sure what to do next so he did the only thing he could, he looked back to the water and waited.


	130. Chapter 137

**Chapter 137**

When the day is long and the night is coming down on you  
All I can do is love you to pieces

He quietly slipped his key in the lock and turned it. Tiptoeing inside, he gently closed the door behind him. If it had not been for the cold biting at his skin he likely would have sat by the water all night long. It wasn't until he was chilled to the bone that he had even looked at his watch and he had been shocked to discover it was almost eleven o'clock. He had been sitting on that bench for nearly 12 hours. A cursory look at his phone had revealed five missed calls and as many text messages from Robin. At that point he had figured it was better to head straight home rather than call.

"I'm not sleeping" came Robin's voice from the dark.

Patrick reached for the table lamp and flicked it on. He offered a small apologetic smile as she came into view, wrapped in the afghan on the couch.

"Are you okay?" she asked, searching his face for any clue as to what had him out of reach for the better part of a day.

He shrugged as he slid beside her on the couch. "M-m-memory is b-back" he stammered.

Her brown eyes widened in surprise. "All of it?"

He nodded. "I rem-m-member Nurses' B-ball, your sp-peech, Christmas p-party, Scotland, the w-w-waffle maker"

Her eyes misted over as she stared at him in wonder. "How? How did this happen?"

Looking around the room he spotted the dry erase board perched on the breakfast bar. Scrambling from the couch he retrieved it before settling back beside her.

_I wrote a will and Alexis asked me if I wanted to read it, thinking it might help fill in some blanks. _

She could feel the tension in his body, the vulnerability bubbling just underneath the surface. The muscle in his jaw was twitching and his breathing was shallow. Threading her fingers through the fine hairs at the nape of his neck she pressed a soft kiss to his cheek.

"And it filled in all the blanks?"

He nodded. _I wasn't expecting it to. I thought I might get a memory here or there but it all came rushing back. _

"That must be hard" she observed quietly as she trailed her fingers along the back of his neck - touching him, reminding him that she was with him.

Sucking in a breath, he picked up a pen and started to write.

_I didn't know how scared I was. It's like I'm feeling it all over again. I felt like I was broken before surgery and I missed you so much. I thought of you every night as I fell asleep so I could dream of you and every day when I was awake. You were always with me but I still missed you. Everything hurt so much – the pain in my head was blinding – the seizures left me wasted – I wanted it to end. _

Passing the board to her to read, he swiped at his tear filled eyes. Leaning forward, he brought his elbows to rest on his knees. Every memory, every emotion was being relived one right after the other and he was overwhelmed and breathless from it all.

As Robin read his words she had the strange sensation of feeling her heart burst and break at the same time. The small slivers of information he was telling her was letting her fill in her own blanks and while she was reassured by how much he had missed her, the knowledge that he had been on the edge or even over the edge and been alone, gutted her.

"How do you feel?" she inquired quietly.

Turning his head to the side, his eyes wet with tears unshed, his tongue darted from his mouth and swept across his dry lips. "Cr-cr-crushed" he stammered, dropping his gaze to his lap. "Like d-drowning."

Tugging on his shoulder, she turned him towards her and caught his eye. "Hold on to me," she told him, "I won't let you drown."

Sucking in a breath he wrapped his arms around her and held on tightly, burying his face in the soft crook of her neck and breathing in her warm, familiar scent. Robin closed her arms around him, soothingly rubbing his back.

"I love you" she whispered by his ear, her breath on his skin sent shivers through his body.

With his eyes clenched shut, he continued to breath her in. Being able to recall the past was a positive, it was something he had been desperate for but he had not counted on experiencing it all over again. It felt as though he was standing on shaky ground.

He pressed his lips to her neck and then to her shoulder. Lifting his head he went in search of her mouth, closing his lips over hers in a hungry, needful kiss. He cupped her face as he continued to kiss her passionately. His tongue sought out hers in the warm, velvety confines of her mouth and he swallowed down her moan as they tangled together.

Her hands threaded through his fast growing hair as she reclined against the arm of the couch and she cradled him with her hips as he stretched out his long, lean frame against her. Her heart was hammering inside her chest with the loving familiarity of his kiss. It wasn't as though she had been kissing a stranger for the past few months but there had been something different – slight and almost unnoticeable – almost. But now it was as though Patrick having the full picture awakened something in him and everything felt as it once did; his hands that burrowed under her shirt brushing up against her turgid nipples, his hips undulating lightly against hers, even the feel of his lips on hers all felt …they felt complete.

Patrick buried his face on the other side of her neck, suckling on the soft skin. His stubble brushed over her cheek and shoulder leaving a light pink mark trailing behind. He palmed her breasts, kneading them under her sweater as he pressed further against her. Trailing his fingers along her torso, he slipped one hand inside her cotton pyjama pants and brushed against her sex.

Feeling a cold sweat trickle down her back, Robin shifted underneath and away from him, carefully pushing him off. Her chest heaved as she swallowed thickly and her eyes were heavy lidded with desire.

"Patrick" Her voice was hoarse and her body humming.

"Ro-robin. Please."

It had been just over a week since that night at the cabin and he was aware of her nervousness, of her reticence in making love again but he wasn't looking just to scratch an itch, it was about anchoring himself – for as long as he had known her, even when all they would do was argue, she had a way of being solid ground for him. And now, more than anything, he needed that foundation. He also wanted to show her that he was that man – the one she had loved before he had left.

She chewed on her bottom lip. It wasn't that she didn't want to make love with him. Oh god, how she wanted to love him long through the night and into morning. But she was scared, the barrier that kept him safe had failed once already and it was proving difficult to let it go. She fingered her cheek where she could still feel his lips ghosted there and she stared at him.

"I n-need you" he admitted. He would not push further – the next move would be hers. He nervously rubbed his hands on his jeans and waited.

Robin rose to her feet and extended her hand to him. She smiled as she felt his long, slender fingers curl around hers. In so many ways it was as though she was feeling some things for the first time after a long absence. Leading him to the bedroom, she pushed him gently to the bed and pulled his sweater from his head. Making quick work of his button and fly, she tugged his jeans and boxers from his legs and tossed them to the side. Standing in front of him she tugged her sweater over her head and threw it to where his jeans lay haphazardly on the floor.

Reaching for her he brought his hands to rest on her hips, his thumbs stroking her bare skin as his eyes locked on hers. She shimmied out of her pyjama pants and stepping out of them, kicked them away. Her hair cascaded over her shoulders as she tilted her head to the side and gazed lovingly at him.

"I have missed you" she stated. "I mean – you've been here but I have missed having all of you. Does that sound stupid?"

Cupping the back of her head, he drew her towards him. "No" he whispered.

They kissed slowly and wantonly as their hands explored each other's warm skin. Shifting back on the bed and taking her with him Patrick sank against the pillows, their mouths still fused together. His fingers trailed up the back of her thighs, grazing her bare behind; she shivered and bit playfully on his bottom lip. Reluctantly letting go of his mouth, Robin covered his jaw and his neck in short soft kisses until she found the secret spot on his throat that made him moan. She worked her tongue in a small circle, smiling against his skin as he dropped his head back in quiet ecstasy. A lingering kiss was left over his tattoo and she raised her eyes and smiled at him.

"You're beautiful" he mouthed.

His hands moved to the swell of her breasts teasing their curves as they were crushed against his chest. With a low groan he dropped his hands to the side as Robin moved deftly down his body covering his torso in kisses, her mouth following where her hands had been. His arousal throbbed almost painfully and taking hold of her, he swept her underneath him. Plunging a mouth over her breast, he smiled as her hips rose from the bed and her hands flew to his head.

Robin was the only woman he had ever been with whose pleasure only intensified his own. It was the difference between sex and making love and though he had always acted as though he knew the latter, until Robin he had only ever experienced the former.

He moved to her other breast, repeating his ministrations as she stroked his shoulders, gasping at the feelings swirling inside her. Her breathing came in pants as Patrick slid his hand between her legs, curling inside her.

"Oh god, Patrick" she gasped.

His hand moved slowly and deliberately as he peppered her stomach with kisses. Gently easing away from her, he rolled on to his side, reached for the nightstand and retrieved a condom from drawer. Kneeling up, he pressed it to her hand.

He wanted her to feel in control, for her to be sure. There was no such thing as past the point of no return and if she wasn't ready, if she couldn't trust that it was going to be okay then they would wait. He was already feeling stronger, more sure of himself. The doubts and recriminations would come again, that was a given, but the ground already felt more stable underneath his feet.

Mirroring his position, Robin kneeled up and smiled shyly at him. She tore open the tiny packet and unrolled the tip of the condom, inspecting it carefully. Inhaling quietly she curled her hand around his erection and rolled the condom along his shaft.

Patrick bit down on his lip to keep from crying out as she touched him. Sheathed completely, he waited again for her to take the lead.

Sinking back against the pillows Robin held her hand out to him and smiled lazily as he crawled towards her. He kissed her forehead, her eyelids and her cheeks before finally settling on her mouth. He nipped and nibbled on her soft lips before plunging his tongue inside her mouth.

Letting go of his mouth, she moved to his ear and whispered, "Make love with me Patrick."

It was all the invitation he needed. He gently entered her and gazed adoringly at her for several beats before moving his hips. They moved in unison, their hips rocking and their bodies tangled together. Their bodies were covered in a sheen of perspiration as they took time with each other, tasting and touching.

Their climaxes approached quickly, one following the other over the edge and they lay breathless and spent on the bed. Rolling out of his arms, Robin pulled the blanket from the foot of the bed and draped it over them before curling up in his arms.

"Okay?" she asked as her hand swept over his chest coming to stop over his heart.

He nodded wordlessly as his fingers tangled in her hair.

"Welcome back" she whispered.


	131. Chapter 138

**Chapter 138  
All I know for certain is love is all there is**

As her alarm softly bleated, rousing her from her sleep Robin blindly reached for it and flicked it off. Reluctantly opening her eyes, she could not help but smile as she saw the way she and Patrick had wound themselves around each other; limbs were tangled together and his face was pressed near to hers, his mouth hovering just abover hers leaving their breath to mingle together. She gazed lovingly at his face, so peaceful in sleep. His long, thick lashes lay swept against his cheeks and his brow, which at one point seemed perpetually furrowed, was relaxed. Hints of gray were streaking through his hair and lifting her hand she touched her fingertips to it. With the sheets pooled around his torso she had a perfect view of his chest and the claddagh emblazoned over his heart.

Everything had changed or changed back, she wasn't yet sure but she was confident they had turned yet another corner. Memories can be easily taken for granted until you don't have them and though Patrick would rarely admit it she knew the struggle to piece the last months together took a toll on him. He had told her once it was as though walking in to the middle of a conversation and knowing only part of what was being discussed but being expected to contribute. It was a gift that his memory returned but she knew well that all gifts came with a price and he would be sorting through his feelings and his decisions from those missing months for a while. But she believed that he would be fine - better than fine.

The alarm bleated a second time and she quickly shut it off. Stealing a quick kiss from him she quietly pushed back the covers and swung her feet to the floor. She ran her hand over her neck where she could still feel the light burn from his stubble and smiled. There was no greater cure for anything than being in his arms and having him wrapped around her. She tucked the covers around him and tiptoed to the bathroom.

She stood unmoving under the jet spray of water, letting the warmth soothe her muscles. The corners of her mouth twitched upwards into a smile as she thought of the patience he had shown her last night. Other men, dealing with their own issues, might not have been as sensitive to her fears - in fact she knew a few who hadn't been - but Patrick had put her needs ahead of his own and in that moment made it possible for her to let go and be in the moment with him. Closing her eyes, she turned her face to the water and whispered silent words of thanks for having Patrick in her life.

Toweled off and dressed, she took one last long look at him and headed to the kitchen. As she swallowed down her protocol she reached for the pad of paper perched on the edge of counter. She was tempted to call in sick and crawl back in to bed with him but knew she was needed at the hospital. Finding a pen, she wrote a quick note and folded the paper, leaving it by the coffee machine. Pulling on her coat, she cast a quick glance around the apartment and smiled. It finally felt like home again.

*****  
Inhaling sharply, Patrick groaned as he reached for Robin and was met with empty space. His eyes pried open and lifting his head from the pillow he looked around the room. As his eyes fell on the clock and saw that it was after nine, he realized Robin had gone to work. Rolling on to his back, he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and stretched out his lean frame.

His mind was quieter than it had been in a while but he knew it was just a temporary reprieve, that before the morning was out his head would be swimming in an ocean of questions. But in this moment he was grateful just to feel like himself again. Kicking back the covers he sprang from the bed and pulled on his sweatpants that hung haphazardly over the arm of the chair. Padding out to the kitchen he headed straight for the coffemaker, stopping and smiling as he saw Robin's familiar crisp handwriting on a folded paper. He moved it to the side as he flicked the on switch on the coffee maker. As the heady aroma of coffee filled the kitchen, he retreived a mug from the cupboard and filled it.

Leaning against the counter, he cradled is mug in one hand and reached for the note with his other. Giving it a small shake to unfold it, he started to read.

_Good morning my love -_

I watched you sleep for a little while this morning and I remain in awe at how beautiful and sexy you are. I want you to know just how much I love you - last night was amazing on so many levels. I know that there are still some difficult moments ahead but know that you are not alone, I will be with you through it all. I felt so connected to you and loved by you last night and I want to thank you for continuing to be in my life. And while I am beyond thrilled that your memories have returned, I want you to know that I love - with or without your memories.

Can't wait to come home to you tonight.  
R  
xoxo

Taking a long sip of his coffee he read the note a second time before laying it on the counter. He let out a long, slow breath and shook his head. It was a mystery to him as to how he got so lucky as to have Robin in his life. How he had considered his life before her to be full was now beyond him. He would not go back to the life he had before meeting Robin, before falling in love with her, for anything.

Setting his mug down on the counter he walked to where his jacket hung on the coat rack and fishing around the inside pocket, pulled out the slightly crinkled will. Sinking on to the arm of the couch he smoothed out the wrinkles and started to read it again. In reading it with his memory intact, without struggling to fill in the blanks, he saw it with new eyes - or old eyes as it were. He had left instructions for his family - for Robin and Eric were as much his family as Noah was - on what he wanted them to do after he was gone, how he wanted them to remember him. And it occurred to him that they shouldn't wait until he's dead to create those memories; he realized in re-reading the will that he wanted to share those moments - all of them - with his family.

His will was just an extension of the to-do list he had made when he was sick. And he was going to have those moments, all of them. Folding up the will, he headed back to the bedroom to get dressed. He needed a plan.

*****  
Humming to herself as she worked steadily in the lab Robin looked up as she heard a knock at the door and smiled.

"Do you have a few minutes for a friend?" Alexis asked.

"I have all the time in the world for you" she beamed as she bounded over to her, hugging her tightly.

Taken by surprise, Alexis looked at her in surprise. "What did I do to deserve such a greeting?"

Letting go of her friend she grinned. "His memory is intact – it's back because of you."

Alexis smiled. "That's amazing news Robin – I know how much you have wanted this – how much you both have wanted this. But uh, I can't take any credit, all I did was give him a document that belonged to him."

"You thought enough to give it back to him in hopes that it would help. And it did. And I am so grateful."

"How is Patrick doing with all of it?" she asked, following Robin to the couch.

Sinking down into the cushions, Robin tucked her legs up underneath her. "He's good" she told her. "He's a little overwhelmed by all of it and it's going to take some time for him to sort through it but it feels – it really feels like he is back to his old self."

"I am so pleased for you" she told her softly. "I know this has been a long, hard road for you-"

"And for him" she interjected.

"Yes and for him. I'm just glad that things are falling back into place. You deserve all the happiness life can give you Robin."

The young doctor smiled shyly. "I just – I finally feel like we can start to make plans – real plans. I know he's still struggling with his speech but that'll come too."

Alexis arched a perfectly groomed eyebrow. "Plans? Like marriage and babies?"

Her cheeks flushed brightly. "Yes to the first, I hope and not really on the second."

Leaning back against the couch, Alexis furrowed her brow. "I thought you always wanted children? Is it your health? Because I thought that it was getting easier and easier for HIV+ women to have safe pregnancies."

"It's not my HIV that's the issue" she replied softly, "though it's always a concern. Patrick – Patrick doesn't want children – not really anyways. We had a discussion about it a long time ago and in theory he wasn't opposed to it but he doesn't see himself as a father."

"Robin it's been my experience that very few men really see themselves as a father until it happens. It is such a different process for men but they do get there."

She shook her head. "I don't want him to have to get there Alexis. But he and I are a long way from crossing that bridge, I just want to enjoy what we have at right now, we've waited a long time for this."

"Fair enough," she smiled, squeezing her hand. "Just don't lose sight of what's important to you."

"I won't." Her eyes widened, "I never even asked you what brought you by? Are you here to see Eric?"

Alexis gave a small shrug. "I was going to surprise him but he's busy."

"I can have him paged" she offered.

She shook her head. "That's not necessary. I know where he is, he just is occupied taking care of a patient."

It was Robin's turn to arch her eyebrow. "Taking care of a patient or spending time in Josh's room?"

Alexis grimaced. She felt silly for being so uneasy about the time her boyfriend was spending with his patient but she couldn't help it. In a short period of time he had become very attached to the little boy, buying books to read to him and talking about him all the time. She loved that his heart was so open but it worried her at the same time. The more wide open the heart, the greater the propensity to be hurt.

"He's quite taken with that little boy."

"And it worries you?"

She nodded. "Patrick may not yet see himself as a father but Eric really wants to be one and I worry about him getting so attached to a child that will be sucked up into foster care as soon as he's healthy enough."

Robin sighed. Patrick had raised his concerns about Eric's attachment to Josh as well and while she knew both her boyfriend and Alexis were working from a place of concern, she also knew that Eric didn't see it that way.

"Have you spoken to him about it?"

"Once" she admitted. "It didn't go well. Do you think….do you think I'm crazy for worrying?"

Tucking her hair behind her ears, she contemplated her answer. "I don't think you're crazy," she began carefully. "I think you love him and you want to protect him."

"I sense a but"

Robin smiled. "If the last six months have taught me anything, it's impossible to protect the people you love – especially from themselves. Sometimes you just have to let things happen and be ready to help pick up the pieces when it's over."

Alexis chuckled. "You're pretty smart, you know that?"

"In fact I do," she grinned.

Alexis gave a quick hug before getting to her feet. "I have to run but thank you for the advice."

She shook her head. "Are you kidding? After all you've done for me – for us? Anytime Alexis."

She gave her a small wave as her friend left the lab. Rising to her feet, she gripped the back of the couch as she swayed, overcome by a sudden bout of dizziness. Giving her head a shake, she pushed away the cobwebs.

"I'm going to need a bigger breakfast" she said to herself, "if we keep having nights like last night." She fingered the claddagh around her neck and sighed happily. She had never felt as healthy - physically and emotionally – as she did right now.


	132. Chapter 139

**Chapter 139**

I know when I close my eyes  
I will see the light come on shining through

Hearing a light rap on his office door Eric waved the person in without even looking up. "I'll be with you in a moment," he said distractedly, "I just need to finish this note."

"You g-g-gave me b-beer the w-week before surgery. B-bad doctor" Patrick teased.

Eric's head snapped up in surprise. "Did you…you remember?"

Grinning like a Cheshire cat, Patrick slipped into the chair on the other side of his desk and nodded. "All of it."

Dropping his pen on the desk he blew out his cheeks. A wave of relief washed over him. He had been consumed by a sense of failure where Patrick was concerned. It was easy for others to tell him to rejoice in him having survived the surgery with almost all functions in tact but he couldn't. Resuming his career after cancer he had dedicated himself to being the best surgeon there was and while there were others, like Patrick, who were more innately talented, no one worked harder than he did and he had the results to prove it. His friend had asked him to be his surgeon so that he would not just survive but thrive, so that he would come out the other side strong and whole; Patrick's stutter and memory loss cut at him in the way few things had ever done.

"Fuck me Pantsy" he sighed, "that is amazing. When did this happen?"

"Y-yesterday" he replied. "Al-l-lexis gave me my w-will and it came b-back."

Eric smiled and shook his head in wonderment. "How are you feeling with it all?"

Patrick shrugged. "It's b-big but ok-kay." Reaching into his knapsack, he pulled out the dry-erase board and a pen.

_I'm not sure how I start to thank you. Knowing – remembering – how awful it was is hard but I also remember you being by my side without question. You pushed, you pulled and you gave me unconditional support. And on top of that you saved my life. _

Giving a small, wistful smile Eric shook his head. "Pantsy, you're my best friend, there was nowhere else for me to be."

Patrick studied his friend's face carefully and saw for the first time how fatigued he looked. He had called on him for any number of crises while he was sick and after surgery and had given little thought to the toll it was taking on him. That was one of the consequences of being ill – it made you selfish, and it wasn't until you were through it that you had any capacity to even recognize it.

"How's Al-lexis?" he asked with a small smirk.

Pursing his lips together, he shrugged. "She's good. Our schedules haven't been that compatible lately but I'm working on rectifying that."

_And Josh?_

Eric narrowed his eyes. "Why? Trying to decide if I need another lecture or not?" he snapped.

His answer told him everything he needed to know. Not rising to the bait Patrick simply shook his head. "J-just asking."

He scoffed. "You and Alexis both act like I'm doing something wrong. He's a kid – he's a six year old kid who is all alone and so what if I spend some time in his room reading to him or keeping him company? Where's the fucking harm in that?"

"N-no harm to him" Patrick stammered. "B-b-but to you."

"Oh give me a break," he answered, rolling his eyes. "I'm not so fragile that I'm going to collapse under a light breeze. You just don't get it – you don't have parental inclinations, you don't really like kids and so to you it's a big deal."

"N-not true"

"Patrick you said you don't see yourself as a father," he reminded him.

Sighing, he reached for his pen. _I don't. But that doesn't mean I don't like kids. I have never pictured myself being a parent but I also never thought I would fall in love or want to get married. Things change – I may not see myself as a father but it doesn't mean I don't want to be one someday._

"Good for you" Eric answered flatly. There was a small voice inside his head telling him he needed to be more generous, that this was a big admission on his friend's part but he was too tired, too confused by his own feelings to find that generosity.

Patrick grimaced at his friend's reaction. He considered Eric to be one of the most unflappable people he knew, he had a tendency to roll with the punches. But every once in a while his real feelings on a subject would come roaring to the surface and he would be reminded that he still struggled.

_Josh is important to you_ he pointed out.

"He's my patient. All my patients are important to me. Jesus, if this was an adult patient you wouldn't even say anything. Hell, if it were a woman, you'd be cheering me on from the sidelines."

"No. I l-like Al-lexis." _And if this were an adult patient I wouldn't worry about you setting yourself up to get hurt. _

"Oh for fuck's sake," he groaned. "Yes, he's a child and no, I can't have children does that mean every time I look at a child I'm ready to crumble? Give me a break."

_You got attached to peds patients before _he reminded him _and it was hard for you when they left. _

"That was four years ago" he hissed, "and I had just started back to work and you know it. Where the hell do you get off?"

Patrick hastily wiped the board clean and wrote again. _Because you are my best friend. _

Eric started to rock his chair back and forth. It was all such a fine line for him and he didn't need nor did he want others pointing that out to him. "Do you know what they did to him Patrick? Do you? He would complain about his shunt from dialysis or about the pain in his back and they would punch him. His shunt got infected and he cried and they couldn't get him to stop so they rammed his head in to a wall – until he passed out. Why? Because he wasn't perfect. They punished him and beat him and hurt him because he wasn't turning out to be the child they wanted, the perfection they had hoped for. He was a little bit different and instead of embracing him and loving him they tried to beat the life out of him."

He wiped at the unexpected tears that had formed in his eyes. "They beat him Patrick," he whispered. "That beautiful boy and they treated him like garbage. No child should be rejected because his isn't perfect."

Patrick looked at his friend and was awash in sadness. They had lived so many similar experiences, including being abandoned by their parents but Noah had come back and done everything he could to remind him that he loved him; Eric had not been granted that grace.

_You're right he wrote no child should be rejected because he isn't perfect – whether he's 6 or 26. _

Eric blew out his cheeks. "You might want to tell your girlfriend your views on fatherhood" he said, desperate to change the subject.

Recognizing the other discussion was closed, Patrick pushed back the chair and rose to his feet. "N-no rush," he said quietly, "we're n-n-not there yet." He held out his closed fist to his friend and waited.

Eric smiled and bumped his knuckles against Patrick's. "Hey, I'm glad your memory is back"

"Th-thanks. Me too."

Leaving Eric to his notes Patrick slipped from his office and headed to Robin's lab.

****  
With her ipod blaring loudly in her ears as she peered through her microscope, she was oblivious to anyone entering the lab. It wasn't until she felt Patrick's lips on her neck that she even knew he was behind her.

Pulling her earphones from her ears, she spun around and grinned at him. Looping her arms around his neck, she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him passionately. Patrick's hands snaked around her waist as he pulled her closer to him. Her tongue plunged boldly into his mouth and she swallowed down his moan.

Panting, they breathlessly broke apart. Reaching up, Robin ran her thumb along his lower lip.

"This is a nice surprise" she told him as she curled her fingers through his belt loops.

"M-missed you" he replied, kissing the tip of her nose.

Taking his hand she led him to the couch. As he flopped against the soft cushions, she curled up next to him and peppered the side of his neck with tiny kisses. She loved how he smelled – clean and fresh – it was intoxicating for her.

He reached into his pocket and fished out his wallet. Laying it open on his knees, he pulled out the famous list that was beginning to look tattered along the corners.

Robin looked up at him in amusement. "What's going on in that head of yours?"

"M-mostly dirty th-thoughts" he replied with a smirk as he stole a kiss. "And we sh-should pick s-s-s-something."

She gave a small shake of her head as she tried to take in how different he had become overnight. His confidence, which had bubbled underneath the surface, was back in full force and he just seemed so much more comfortable in his own skin. She giggled as he impatiently tapped the list.

Scanning it quickly, her eyes were repeatedly drawn to one item in particular. Looking up at him she smiled knowingly. "It's Easter in two weeks," she remarked.

Patrick playfully rolled his eyes at her stalling tactic. "A-and?"

"And I hear it's a really big deal in Rome."

Breaking into a wide smile, he brushed his lips against hers. "R-rome it is."  
"And don't worry babe, I'll protect you from Brenda" she teased.

He pulled her into his arms and closed his mouth over hers. His plan was slowly coming together and he couldn't wait for the rest of it.


	133. Chapter 140

**Chapter 141**

I have never been so in love  
I thank god above that I've found you  
And I know it's a miracle

It had been one of the most perfect days she had spent in quite some time. Brenda's house was airy and bright with a most inviting backyard. She had spent hours chatting and laughing with her best friend as Patrick had excused himself to take a nap. Though they spoke regularly, there was nothing like being in the same room with a person who means so much to you. As the sun started to set over the dome of St. Peter's, Brenda set up the backyard for dinner with jazz floating on the air and her lemon trees draped with tiny white lights. After an amazing dinner of homemade pasta and profiteroles for dessert, Brenda had excused herself, claiming an early morning, and left Patrick and Robin to enjoy the terrace alone.

Reclining against the chaise longue under the cover of a moonlit sky, Robin sighed happily as she cradled a glass of wine in her hand. She looked up in surprise as Patrick gently removed the glass from her hand, setting it on the table, and extended his hand to her.  
"D-dance with me?" he asked.

A lazy smile formed on her face. "But you don't like to dance" she pointed out teasingly.

"N-n-not with an aud-dience" he replied with a small grin.

Swinging her feet to the ground, she placed her hand in his and let him lead her to the far end of the terrace. He slid one hand around her waist, coming to rest on the small of her back as his fingers entwined with hers and he curled their joined hands against his chest. They swayed languidly to the music, neither speaking but both enjoying the closeness – physically and emotionally. The fresh citrus scent from the lemon trees enveloped them and as Robin rested her head against his chest, hearing his heart thump rhythmically, she could not remember a time when she had been happier.

His lips brushed against her temple as he drew her closer to him. Holding her, feeling her body hum against his, he felt as complete in the moment as he had ever felt in his life. Under the blinking stars it was as though they were the only two people who existed in the world. Until that moment he had not realized it, but he had waited a lifetime to feel like this.

Robin slowly lifted her head from his chest and smiled at him. "I wish there was another way to say it-"

"Say wh-what?" he interjected.

"Another way to say I love you. Because I feel like I'm repeating myself."

His brown eyes danced at her words and dipping his head, he brushed his lips against hers. "D-d-don't mind" he whispered. "I l-like it."

He slipped his hand under her shirt, resting just above her hips, as his fingers danced playfully along her skin. That one small movement made her heart start to beat wildly out of control. Closing her eyes, she sucked in a breath and tried to steady herself but as his hand rose ever so slowly under her shirt, she realized she was a lost cause. Opening her eyes, she pounced towards him, fastening her mouth over his and coaxing his lips apart with her tongue. She swallowed down his moan as her tongue slide along his. His other hand slipped under her shirt, sweeping lightly against her soft skin as he took hold of her waist and hoisted her up.

Not breaking their kiss, she wrapped her legs around his hips as she looped her hands around his neck, playing with the fine hair at the nape of his neck. Even as he walked backwards, dodging the chairs and a table, stumbling towards the door, she felt secure in his arms. She could feel the strength returning to him and not just to his recovering muscles and she realized she didn't want to let him go, not ever.

With a few bumps and groans along the way as they ran into furniture, they finally made it to their room. Patrick kicked the door shut behind him and dropped her to mattress, falling on top of her as Robin pulled him with her. Their hands were a flurry of activity, lifting shirts, pulling buttons, pushing pants over hips. This was not the slow, reassuring love making that had marked their intimacy in recent weeks, it was desire – hazy, dizzying, intoxicating desire.

Robin fisted his hair, crying out his name as his lips and tongue assaulted her body, working his way from her mouth to the apex of her thighs. Her nails scratched his smooth skin as she pleaded for more. As his tongue flickered against her thighs, her hips rose from the bed and she clenched her eyes shut as an unexpected climax washed over her.

Rising up, Patrick captured her mouth in a long, deep kiss. His arousal pressed against her reminding her of the effect she had on him. Her hands swept across his chest and over his shoulder and with the smallest of movements, they shifted positions. He lay underneath her as she straddled his hips. His eyes were heavy-lidded as he gazed adoringly at her. Her tongue darted from her mouth, swiping at her lips as she drank him in; there was just no getting enough of him.

Reaching behind her, she wrapped her hand around his length and slowly stroked him as her hips undulated against his. She smiled in satisfaction as she watched his eyes roll to the back of his head and his breath begin to come in pants. Leaning forward, she flattened her tongue against one nipple and then the other.

"Shit" Patrick hissed, his hands threading through her hair.

She reached for a condom from the nightstand before peppering his chest with kisses and working her way down the length of his torso. Patrick was the first man she had been with who not only appreciated her sexuality but encouraged it. Her experiences before him had all been variations on a theme – her partner treating her as though she might break – or they might and she had slipped into a passive role. But Patrick had no such view of her and pushed her to be playful, commanding and sultry. As with all aspects of their relationship there was an amazing give and take and the confidence they gave each other allowed a deeper connection than either believed possible.

Reaching her target, she sheathed him quickly before taking him in her mouth. A loud, guttural moan escaped from the back of his throat as she closed her lips around him and he threw his head back against the pillows, lost in the sensations. Letting go of him she straddled him again, slowly lowering herself on him.

Their bodies began to move in a rhythm, one that came naturally for them. Patrick reached up and cupping the back of Robin's head, brought her mouth to his and kissed her fiercely. They swallow each other's cries as they move in unison, building towards their climaxes. Patrick buried himself deep inside her and they held tightly to each other as they free fell over the edge.

Breathless and boneless, they pulled apart and collapsed against the pillows. With a shaky hand, Patrick reached out and brushed her bangs from her face.

"Th-that's a-n-n-nother way" he stammered.

"Another way?" Robin asked, panting.

He nodded. "To s-s-say I l-love you."

****  
"Tell me again why I'm having spa services by myself while my best friend and my boyfriend are going downtown?" Robin asked as she refilled her coffee cup.

"Because" Brenda replied coolly, "I've not finished interrogating him and determining his worthiness" She reached for a croissant and grinned as she took a bite.

Once Patrick had asked for her help, Brenda had kicked into high gear and arranged for Robin to spend several hours being pampered while the two of them met with her favourite jeweller to find the perfect ring.

"But I don't want you interrogating him further" she pouted. "I want us to go shopping and eat gelato until our stomachs explode"

"Oh we're going to do that as well. In fact I have no doubt Patrick is going to need a nap later today and we'll hit the shops then."

Patrick flashed her a curious look. "Wh-why need a n-nap?"

"Well it sure sounded like Robin wore you out last night" she answered, with an evil grin. Robin's cheeks flushed brightly. "Who knew your speech got better under…erm…pressure?" she added.

Rolling his eyes, Patrick reached for a strawberry and threw it at her. Catching it, Brenda popped into her mouth and winked at her best friend. "Glad to know you're so satisfied" she teased.

Patrick leaned back and draped his arm across Robin's shoulders. "D-damn straight sh-she is."

Robin cradled her head in her hands mortified. "Shut up" she groaned, "please shut up."

Draining her coffee, Brenda got to her feet. "I'll do better than that. Patrick and I will head out and you can get ready for your morning of being treated like a principessa."

"Be nice to him Bren" Robin pleaded as Patrick gave her a quick kiss goodbye.

"Don't worry" she shot back, arching her eyebrow, "I won't leave any marks."

Patrick gave her a small wave before following Brenda out the door.

****  
Patrick's legs bounced nervously up and down as yet another tray of rings were placed in front of him. He wasn't entirely sure what he was looking for, believing he would know it when he saw it. And while he appreciated Brenda's commentary on the rings he had selected so far, there was a part of him that worried she would somehow think his choices unexciting or unworthy.

Sipping on a cappuccino, Brenda eyed him carefully. "Do you know when you're going to propose?"

He nodded.

"Are you going to tell me?"

Patrick shook his head. "N-not sure you could k-k-keep secret"

She playfully slapped his arm. "I'll have you know I'm an excellent secret keeper! I haven't told Robin about this little excursion."

"Yet" Patrick added slyly.

"You're really not going to tell me?"

Patrick reached for the pad of paper and pen and scribbled a note. _No. It will be soon though. I've come so close to losing her, I don't want to let more moments pass._

"You realize not knowing is going to drive me insane which in fact, may drive you insane?"

"I h-have m-meds" he stammered. "Can sh-share if you'd like."

"Smartass" she sniffed. "Giuseppe" she called to her friend, "none of these are working, bring out another tray."

The young jeweller nodded and quickly removed the tray and replaced it with another.

Brenda smiled as Patrick's brown eyes widened and he reached for the ring nestled against the rich black velvet. Picking it up, he examined it from all sides. He admired the square setting and the way the filigree and diamonds gleamed on the platinum band. But what he loved most, what had captured his eye immediately was the deep blue sapphire set against a frame of diamonds.

Turning his head towards Brenda, he held it up to her.

It was a stunningly beautiful ring and Brenda felt her eyes prick with tears as she imagined her friend receiving it and wearing it. The ring was a promise of a future that they had both believed at one point she would not have. Her heart thundered loudly in her chest as she considered the path her friend had travelled and how it had brought her to this man who so clearly loved her.

"It's beautiful" she whispered, blinking back the tears. "Can I ask why you want a sapphire and not a traditional diamond?"

_Sapphires mean prosperity and passion_ he wrote. _And Robin is rich in everything that matters._

He looked at Giuseppe and nodded. "I'll t-t-take it."


	134. Chapter 141

**Chapter 141**

I have never been so in love  
I thank god above that I've found you  
And I know it's a miracle

It had been one of the most perfect days she had spent in quite some time. Brenda's house was airy and bright with a most inviting backyard. She had spent hours chatting and laughing with her best friend as Patrick had excused himself to take a nap. Though they spoke regularly, there was nothing like being in the same room with a person who means so much to you. As the sun started to set over the dome of St. Peter's, Brenda set up the backyard for dinner with jazz floating on the air and her lemon trees draped with tiny white lights. After an amazing dinner of homemade pasta and profiteroles for dessert, Brenda had excused herself, claiming an early morning, and left Patrick and Robin to enjoy the terrace alone.

Reclining against the chaise longue under the cover of a moonlit sky, Robin sighed happily as she cradled a glass of wine in her hand. She looked up in surprise as Patrick gently removed the glass from her hand, setting it on the table, and extended his hand to her.  
"D-dance with me?" he asked.

A lazy smile formed on her face. "But you don't like to dance" she pointed out teasingly.

"N-n-not with an aud-dience" he replied with a small grin.

Swinging her feet to the ground, she placed her hand in his and let him lead her to the far end of the terrace. He slid one hand around her waist, coming to rest on the small of her back as his fingers entwined with hers and he curled their joined hands against his chest. They swayed languidly to the music, neither speaking but both enjoying the closeness – physically and emotionally. The fresh citrus scent from the lemon trees enveloped them and as Robin rested her head against his chest, hearing his heart thump rhythmically, she could not remember a time when she had been happier.

His lips brushed against her temple as he drew her closer to him. Holding her, feeling her body hum against his, he felt as complete in the moment as he had ever felt in his life. Under the blinking stars it was as though they were the only two people who existed in the world. Until that moment he had not realized it, but he had waited a lifetime to feel like this.

Robin slowly lifted her head from his chest and smiled at him. "I wish there was another way to say it-"

"Say wh-what?" he interjected.

"Another way to say I love you. Because I feel like I'm repeating myself."

His brown eyes danced at her words and dipping his head, he brushed his lips against hers. "D-d-don't mind" he whispered. "I l-like it."

He slipped his hand under her shirt, resting just above her hips, as his fingers danced playfully along her skin. That one small movement made her heart start to beat wildly out of control. Closing her eyes, she sucked in a breath and tried to steady herself but as his hand rose ever so slowly under her shirt, she realized she was a lost cause. Opening her eyes, she pounced towards him, fastening her mouth over his and coaxing his lips apart with her tongue. She swallowed down his moan as her tongue slide along his. His other hand slipped under her shirt, sweeping lightly against her soft skin as he took hold of her waist and hoisted her up.

Not breaking their kiss, she wrapped her legs around his hips as she looped her hands around his neck, playing with the fine hair at the nape of his neck. Even as he walked backwards, dodging the chairs and a table, stumbling towards the door, she felt secure in his arms. She could feel the strength returning to him and not just to his recovering muscles and she realized she didn't want to let him go, not ever.

With a few bumps and groans along the way as they ran into furniture, they finally made it to their room. Patrick kicked the door shut behind him and dropped her to mattress, falling on top of her as Robin pulled him with her. Their hands were a flurry of activity, lifting shirts, pulling buttons, pushing pants over hips. This was not the slow, reassuring love making that had marked their intimacy in recent weeks, it was desire – hazy, dizzying, intoxicating desire.

Robin fisted his hair, crying out his name as his lips and tongue assaulted her body, working his way from her mouth to the apex of her thighs. Her nails scratched his smooth skin as she pleaded for more. As his tongue flickered against her thighs, her hips rose from the bed and she clenched her eyes shut as an unexpected climax washed over her.

Rising up, Patrick captured her mouth in a long, deep kiss. His arousal pressed against her reminding her of the effect she had on him. Her hands swept across his chest and over his shoulder and with the smallest of movements, they shifted positions. He lay underneath her as she straddled his hips. His eyes were heavy-lidded as he gazed adoringly at her. Her tongue darted from her mouth, swiping at her lips as she drank him in; there was just no getting enough of him.

Reaching behind her, she wrapped her hand around his length and slowly stroked him as her hips undulated against his. She smiled in satisfaction as she watched his eyes roll to the back of his head and his breath begin to come in pants. Leaning forward, she flattened her tongue against one nipple and then the other.

"Shit" Patrick hissed, his hands threading through her hair.

She reached for a condom from the nightstand before peppering his chest with kisses and working her way down the length of his torso. Patrick was the first man she had been with who not only appreciated her sexuality but encouraged it. Her experiences before him had all been variations on a theme – her partner treating her as though she might break – or they might and she had slipped into a passive role. But Patrick had no such view of her and pushed her to be playful, commanding and sultry. As with all aspects of their relationship there was an amazing give and take and the confidence they gave each other allowed a deeper connection than either believed possible.

Reaching her target, she sheathed him quickly before taking him in her mouth. A loud, guttural moan escaped from the back of his throat as she closed her lips around him and he threw his head back against the pillows, lost in the sensations. Letting go of him she straddled him again, slowly lowering herself on him.

Their bodies began to move in a rhythm, one that came naturally for them. Patrick reached up and cupping the back of Robin's head, brought her mouth to his and kissed her fiercely. They swallow each other's cries as they move in unison, building towards their climaxes. Patrick buried himself deep inside her and they held tightly to each other as they free fell over the edge.

Breathless and boneless, they pulled apart and collapsed against the pillows. With a shaky hand, Patrick reached out and brushed her bangs from her face.

"Th-that's a-n-n-nother way" he stammered.

"Another way?" Robin asked, panting.

He nodded. "To s-s-say I l-love you."

****  
"Tell me again why I'm having spa services by myself while my best friend and my boyfriend are going downtown?" Robin asked as she refilled her coffee cup.

"Because" Brenda replied coolly, "I've not finished interrogating him and determining his worthiness" She reached for a croissant and grinned as she took a bite.

Once Patrick had asked for her help, Brenda had kicked into high gear and arranged for Robin to spend several hours being pampered while the two of them met with her favourite jeweller to find the perfect ring.

"But I don't want you interrogating him further" she pouted. "I want us to go shopping and eat gelato until our stomachs explode"

"Oh we're going to do that as well. In fact I have no doubt Patrick is going to need a nap later today and we'll hit the shops then."

Patrick flashed her a curious look. "Wh-why need a n-nap?"

"Well it sure sounded like Robin wore you out last night" she answered, with an evil grin. Robin's cheeks flushed brightly. "Who knew your speech got better under…erm…pressure?" she added.

Rolling his eyes, Patrick reached for a strawberry and threw it at her. Catching it, Brenda popped into her mouth and winked at her best friend. "Glad to know you're so satisfied" she teased.

Patrick leaned back and draped his arm across Robin's shoulders. "D-damn straight sh-she is."

Robin cradled her head in her hands mortified. "Shut up" she groaned, "please shut up."

Draining her coffee, Brenda got to her feet. "I'll do better than that. Patrick and I will head out and you can get ready for your morning of being treated like a principessa."

"Be nice to him Bren" Robin pleaded as Patrick gave her a quick kiss goodbye.

"Don't worry" she shot back, arching her eyebrow, "I won't leave any marks."

Patrick gave her a small wave before following Brenda out the door.

****  
Patrick's legs bounced nervously up and down as yet another tray of rings were placed in front of him. He wasn't entirely sure what he was looking for, believing he would know it when he saw it. And while he appreciated Brenda's commentary on the rings he had selected so far, there was a part of him that worried she would somehow think his choices unexciting or unworthy.

Sipping on a cappuccino, Brenda eyed him carefully. "Do you know when you're going to propose?"

He nodded.

"Are you going to tell me?"

Patrick shook his head. "N-not sure you could k-k-keep secret"

She playfully slapped his arm. "I'll have you know I'm an excellent secret keeper! I haven't told Robin about this little excursion."

"Yet" Patrick added slyly.

"You're really not going to tell me?"

Patrick reached for the pad of paper and pen and scribbled a note. _No. It will be soon though. I've come so close to losing her, I don't want to let more moments pass._

"You realize not knowing is going to drive me insane which in fact, may drive you insane?"

"I h-have m-meds" he stammered. "Can sh-share if you'd like."

"Smartass" she sniffed. "Giuseppe" she called to her friend, "none of these are working, bring out another tray."

The young jeweller nodded and quickly removed the tray and replaced it with another.

Brenda smiled as Patrick's brown eyes widened and he reached for the ring nestled against the rich black velvet. Picking it up, he examined it from all sides. He admired the square setting and the way the filigree and diamonds gleamed on the platinum band. But what he loved most, what had captured his eye immediately was the deep blue sapphire set against a frame of diamonds.

Turning his head towards Brenda, he held it up to her.

It was a stunningly beautiful ring and Brenda felt her eyes prick with tears as she imagined her friend receiving it and wearing it. The ring was a promise of a future that they had both believed at one point she would not have. Her heart thundered loudly in her chest as she considered the path her friend had travelled and how it had brought her to this man who so clearly loved her.

"It's beautiful" she whispered, blinking back the tears. "Can I ask why you want a sapphire and not a traditional diamond?"

_Sapphires mean prosperity and passion_ he wrote. _And Robin is rich in everything that matters._

He looked at Giuseppe and nodded. "I'll t-t-take it."


	135. Chapter 142

**Chapter 142**

I'm still tripping over echoes left lying in the hall

After a day of sightseeing with Patrick, Robin and Brenda had stolen off for some quiet girl time as Patrick had returned home to rest. Sitting on the Spanish Steps watching the tourists and locals mill about the water fountain in front, she swirled her spoon through the lemon gelato.

Brenda watched her in amusement as her friend made quick work of her second large ball of gelato.

"You're going to have a gelato baby in your belly if you keep that up" she remarked, teasingly.

Robin smiled. "I know but I'm starving! Must be all the walking around we did today."

"Or you have hollow legs"

She stuck her tongue out at her friend as they both leaned back against the steps, letting the late afternoon sun beat down on them. "So you're really not going to tell me what you and Patrick talked about yesterday?"

She shook her head. "Nope. But I will tell you this – you're boyfriend is pretty special."

Robin sighed happily. "I know he is Bren. Don't get me wrong, there are days where he frustrates the hell out of me and I feel like smacking him but that's just silly day to day stuff. Falling in love with him was completely unexpected and better than I ever could have imagined."

"So he's the one?" she asked, polishing off her last spoonful of hazelnut gelato.

Robin tilted her head to the side. "I'm not sure I believe in 'the one'. I've been in love twice before in my life so I don't think there is just one person out there for us. But I do know that he's the person I want in my life – that my life is just….it's just wider with him in it."

"Does that mean you see a future with him?" Her tone was both measured and curious and the small shadow that crossed Robin's face did not go unnoticed.

"Yes and no" she admitted softly.

Sitting up straight, Brenda turned to face her. "What does that mean? Is this about your HIV?"

Setting her now empty cup down on the ground Robin sat up and mirrored her friend's position. "No – though it's always a consideration. Patrick has been amazing about that – he doesn't view it as a limit at all."

"Good because it isn't" she snapped.

Robin grinned. "Yes Mama Bear." Tucking her hair behind her ears she exhaled slowly. "But I think we have other limits."

Brenda's brown eyes went wide. "What do you mean?" she asked trying to quell the nervousness in her voice. Her thoughts went immediately to the sapphire ring currently hidden inside Patrick's luggage.

"Patrick doesn't want children. And I do – not now but someday and I don't know how we come to an agreement on that."

"Has he said he doesn't want children?"

She shrugged. "When he talked about it in the abstract he was open-ish about it but he has said he doesn't see himself as a father. And I'm….I'm not sure I'm willing to give up being a mother." Rolling her eyes, she shook her head. "How crazy is it that I may have to choose between the man I love or the child I've dreamed of having?"

Brenda exhaled and moved closer to her friend. "Have you had this conversation recently with him?" Robin shook her head. "Maybe you should. Robin if any of this happened while he was sick or just after his surgery, his opinions may not be the same now. How many times on the phone did you tell me that some of the words coming from Patrick's mouth were because of the tumour?"

"Bren, I hardly think the tumour was making him say he didn't want to be a father."

"No probably not. But maybe he couldn't conceive of being a father because he had a ticking time bomb in his head. Or because he woke up and couldn't remember anything of the last six months."

Robin gave her friend a quizzical look. "Is there a reason you're my boyfriend's new number one fan?"

Brenda draped her arm around her friend and rested her head against hers. "Yes. I think he's good for you – really good for you. And I know how crazy in love you are with him and I don't like hearing you talk about having to give up one thing to have another. You've had to give up too much already. I think it's worth another conversation with him. Or ten other conversations with him."

Robin sighed. "You're right. And it makes me feel weird having to say that but you are. I love him so much Bren."

"Well you said falling in love with him was a surprise, maybe he has a few more surprises in store for you."

****  
"Did you bring a book?" Josh asked hoarsely.

Eric smiled as he lowered himself into the chair at his bedside. "Did I bring a book? What kind of question is that? I brought two books! Have you read any of the Harry Potter books yet?"

"No."

"Well I have the first one with me. Would you like me to start that one?"

The young boy gave a small smile in response. "Okay."

Reaching into his bag, Eric pulled out the book and cracked it open to the first page. It had been almost a month since Josh had wound up on Eric's table and he had been to visit him every single day without fail. Josh was slowly regaining his strength but the road ahead for him was a long one and Eric knew there was little guarantee he would get there.

"Eric?" Josh interrupted.

"Yeah buddy?"

"You'll come tomorrow, right?" It was the same question every day, him seeking assurances that Eric would return.

He had spoken to Lainey Winters about it and she explained that based on Josh's case file, he had been in and out of foster care so often due to his parents, that he was almost permanently nervous about being alone. She too had warned him about creating an attachment to him that he could not follow through on. She told him that Josh already viewed him as someone who rescued him and if he suddenly disappeared from his life the impact could be devastating to the young boy.

"I'll be here" he reassured him. "Because you're going to be dying to know what happens next in this book. Now close your eyes, okay?"

With a smile on his face, Josh closed his eyes and waited for Eric to start. It didn't take long for the sound of Eric's voice to lull him to sleep. Hearing the soft ruffle of his breath, he quietly closed the book and placed it on the bedside table.

Rising to his feet he turned towards the door and stopped suddenly as he saw Alexis looking at him. Quietly exiting the room, he pulled the door shut and bit his lower lip.

"How late am I?" he asked apologetically.

Smiling ruefully, she responded, "I'm pretty sure they've given away our reservation."

"I am so sorry" he told her, snaking his around her waist and drawing her to him. "I lost track of time."

"That's been happening a lot lately" she reminded him.

He dropped his head guiltily. "I'll make it up to you."

"I don't need you to make it up to me" she told him softly, "but I would like to talk about Josh and what he means to you."

His head snapped up. "He's just-"

"I swear to god Eric if you tell me 'he's just a patient' one more time, I am going to scream so loudly dogs will lose their hearing."

Looking at the woman who had come to mean so much to him, he sighed quietly and curled his fingers through hers. "Since I blew our dinner plans would you come back to my place for takeout?"

"Are we going to talk about Josh?" Eric nodded. "And can the takeout be bacon cheeseburgers from Kelly's?"

Smiling, he dipped his head and stole a kiss. "I love you and I've done a lousy job of showing you in the last few weeks."

Having made a pit stop at Kelly's for food, they walked back to his apartment. Alexis settled into the couch as he retrieved plates, napkins and two beers from the kitchen. He unpacked the large brown paper bag and placed the food on the plates, carrying it into the living room and joining Alexis on the couch.

She picked at a French fry and chewed thoughtfully on it. Not the most secure of women when it came to relationships, the mounting number of missed dates had shaken her already fluid confidence. And while she tried to tell herself it was ridiculous for her to get worked up about a little boy, she could not help but feel some pangs of jealousy that her boyfriend preferred the company of a sick six year old boy to her.

"You love Josh. He's not just a patient to you and I don't think he ever has been," she said quietly.

Eric took a long swig from his beer. "I see we're getting right into it"

Alexis nodded. "I don't like to beat around the bush."

He sighed heavily. "I do" he admitted. "He's….I've tried to stay away but I can't. The idea of him being all alone makes me crazy Alexis. He has no one to visit him."

"I don't know why you've not said that before" she told him. "Were you under the impression I would be angry with you? Eric, it's a wonderful thing to see you caring for a child. I feel the same way when I see you with Molly and Kristina. But spending time with Josh has made you secretive – you cancel plans or forget to show up and even though you tell me it's because of work I know it's not."

"I'm sorry" he whispered.

"I just wish you'd be honest with me. I love you and I will support you."

"You didn't want me spending time with him at first" he reminded her.

"No" she shook her head. "It wasn't about spending time with him, it was about you getting your heart stomped on. Eric, he's going to go to foster care when he's well enough and that's going to be really, really hard for you. I would give anything – anything – for you not to have your heart broken."

Taking another long drink from his beer he rubbed his hand over his face. "Karen was pregnant" he told her softly – so softly she had to strain to hear him. "Back when we were together."

"Oh"

"She miscarried at 10 weeks. We hadn't told anyone because we were waiting for that magic three month mark. We said all the right things about trying again when we were ready but three months after the miscarriage I was diagnosed with cancer and two months after that, we broke up."

Alexis moved closer to him, her leg pressing against his. "And your child would be about six if the pregnancy had taken?"

Eric nodded as he felt the sharp prick of tears in his eyes. "Yeah" he answered hoarsely. "I had no idea then that would be my only chance at being a father."

"Oh Eric" she sighed, pressing her lips to his cheek.

"I know – I know I'm too attached and I didn't want to admit to it because it would mean that I should walk away. I've tried Alexis – I've tried to see him as a patient and walk away but I can't. I know what it's like to feel alone and I don't want him to feel that" He swiped at his eyes. "And you're right; I'm going to be heart broken when he gets sucked up by foster care but I can't stop it – I don't know how."

"You're not alone" she reminded him, "you have me."

"I know." He kissed her slowly, dragging his tongue along the seam of her lips. "There's a rich irony here; I've wanted to be a parent for – well forever and I can't see it happening for me. But Patrick has never wanted it – he jokes the best children are the ones who are sedated and I have no doubt he will end up a father."

She was quiet for several minutes, stroking his arm and resting her head on his shoulder. "I know…I know I'm no substitute for dreams denied but….we never would have met if your life had taken a different turn."

His eyes welled with tears and he brushed his lips against hers. "I know" he replied hoarsely. "I thank god every day for you."

"So….we might not always get what we want but I guess in not getting what we want, we sometimes get what we need."

****  
Pushing open the French doors to the terrace, Robin smiled happily as she saw Patrick reclining on the chaise longue and staring up at the sky blanketed in stars. Quietly padding across the patio stones, she slipped beside him in the chair and snuggled in close. His arm closed around her and he closed his mouth over hers in a languid, passionate kiss.

"G-g-gelato?" he asked, curling his fingers through her long silky hair.

Robin jokingly rubbed her belly. "So so so much gelato – I have a gelato baby" she replied. "Brenda thinks I might have hollow legs."

Chuckling he placed his hand over hers and rubbed her stomach. "G-gelato baby, g-g-gone in morning. Th-thankfully."

"Yeah" she replied quietly, resting her head on his chest. "So…what are you thinking about here lying under the stars?"

"Th-three things"

"Three things? Wow – you sure you can handle all that at once?" she teased. Patrick rolled his eyes in mock frustration. "So what's the first thing?"

"You. N-naked" He waggled his eyebrows and dipping his head, nuzzled her neck.

Robin shivered as his lips made contact with her skin. It mattered little where he kissed her, the resulting electricity coursing through her was guaranteed. "And the second thing?" she asked trying to ignore the rising heat in her body as his fingers slid under her top and trailed lightly against her torso.

"F-first time ever – I h-have everything I n-need. Could n-not ask for m-m-more"

Robin dropped a lingering kiss in the centre of his chest. "I'm almost afraid to ask what the third thing is"

"H-house on H-hunter street is for s-s-sale. We sh-should buy it." Even under the cover of darkness, he could still see her eyes go wide in shock and he felt his stomach drop.

She raised her head from his chest and scrambled to her feet. "Patrick, that's….that's…that's a huge step."

Sitting up, he swung his legs to the floor. "Th-think we're ready."

Taking a step away from him, she shook her head. "I don't."


	136. Chapter 143

**Chapter 143**

I will love you to the end  
Long will I remain in your keeping

As a wave of nausea washed over her, Robin took several steps back and sank onto a chair. Clenching her eyes shut, she cradled her head in her hands and let out a long slow breath.

Worried by her stumbling, Patrick was by her side in a shot. "R-r-robin?"

Swallowing thickly, she raised her head and gave him a rueful smile. "I just got up too quickly and was a little dizzy. I'm okay."  
Pressing his lips to her forehead, he kissed her softly before rising to his feet and walking back to the chaise longue. Reaching across, he picked the board and marker up from the ground before returning to her. Sliding into the chair beside her, he set the board on the table and scribbled a note.

_You really don't think we're ready to buy a house together? _

She pulled nervously at her bottom lip and was quiet for several moments before answering. "It's….I mean…it's a big deal – a house is a big deal"

Tilting his head to the side, he looked at her quizzically. _A house is small compared to what we've been through Robin. _

"Patrick it's a huge…it's an enormous commitment. It's mortgages and lawyers and-"

"I asked y-y-you to m-marry me" he reminded her. "House n-not bigger th-than that."

She ran her hand over her face, taking one shaky breath after another. "I…I…" she stammered. Things seemed to be swirling around her as her heart pounded heavily in her chest.

Patrick's face twisted into a grimace as he watched her. He had made assumptions – based on a solid foundation, or so he thought – about their future. He was convinced their relationship would be the last one for both of them and that the struggles of the last year had only deepened their connection. But looking at Robin, normally articulate and forthright, struggle to say something – anything – he was beginning to wonder if his basic premise was all wrong.

_Do you not see a future for us?_ His hand shook as he wrote the words. He dreaded the answer but needed it at the same time.

Robin gasped as she read his note. Taking the board and marker from him, she swiped it clean and wrote:

_I'm freaking out. _

Patrick's mouth curled up into a knowing smile as he read the note and reaching across the table took her hand in his.

"It's ok-k-kay" he told her as he reassuringly stroked her arm.

She inhaled sharply. "I'm not sure why you're saying that. It's….god Patrick I don't know what it is but it's making me want to throw up."

Dragging his chair so it was flush against hers, he gently stroked her cheek with the back of his fingers. "It's ok-kay" he repeated.

Robin shook her head and wrote. I_ do see a future with you Patrick. I see forever with you but you mention the house and I got overwhelmed._

"Didn't l-l-let me finish" he chided her kindly. "It's ok-kay to g-get what you w-w-want."

Robin sank against the back of her chair and exhaled. "Is that what you think?" she asked, looking for reassurance. "That I'm so afraid of having what I want?"

He nodded seriously and took the board back. _I think you have experienced a lot of loss and disappointment in your life and I think it's made you nervous about wishing for good things. I think you don't believe that good things last and that if we take this step we're one step closer to blowing up._

Tears sprang to Robin's eyes and she swiped quickly at them. He understood her – apparently even better than he understood herself. He had articulate exactly what she was feeling. So many good things in her life and in the lives of people she loved had fallen apart that she felt it was better to keep her feet on solid ground rather than reach for more. She had spent more than a decade believing that if she kept her expectations small, her wishes reasonable and her desire in check then she stood a chance at being content. Content was not joyful, liberated happiness but it was much better than being miserable. Or alone.

"We w-w-won't blow up" he said softly.

"How can you be so sure?" she asked, sniffling.

"B-b-because I l-love you"

Throwing her arms around his neck, she slid into his lap and held him tightly, releasing a shuddering breath against his shoulder. He rubbed her back and kissed her cheek. Pulling back and gazing into his eyes, she ran the pads of her thumbs along his cheeks.

"I love you too" she told him throatily. "I don't mean to be such a basket case-"

"Y-you aren't" he interjected. "F-f-freaking is normal"

She sighed and brushed her lips against his. "I like the idea of the house," she told him quietly. "And I'd like for us to go look at it when we get home – if you're sure?"

Furrowing his brow, he looked at her in confusion. "D-don't I s-seem sure?"

Robin nodded. "But I know how you feel about commitment and being tied down" she reminded him. "This is not a natural state for you. And I don't want you ever to be in a position where you're doing something because you think you have to."

The crease in his forehead deepened. "Com-m-mitment not natural f-for me. C-c-commitment to you is." His hands slid around her hips and he drew her closer to him. "D-don't doubt me"

"I love you" she whispered, "more and more every day."

*****  
As the plane descended in to Port Charles, Patrick gently nudged Robin awake, smiling as she looked around disoriented.

"Sl-leepy head" he teased.

She rubbed her eyes and growled at him. "It's your fault. I said twice was enough, that we had to get up early but oh no, you wanted round three. You would think we never do it at the rate you were going last night."

He shrugged unapologetically. "Can't g-g-get enough"

"I know it makes me a party pooper" she said as she undid her seatbelt, "but I think when we get home I'm going to go back to bed and see if I can't shake the jet lag. I'd rather not be dragging my behind tomorrow at work."

"Okay" he nodded. "G-going to see m-my dad."

His mind drifted to the ring tucked away in the far corner of his luggage. He was practically bursting to show his father, dying to let him know that despite being sure it would never be something he wanted, he had found someone to love for the rest of his life.

Slinging the carryon luggage over his shoulder, he took Robin's hand and they exited the plane together.

The goodbyes with Brenda had been tearful and full of giggles. She had also quietly and very sincerely told him that she was happy he was in Robin's life, an approval he did not take lightly. On the car ride to the airport, he handed the list to Robin and watched with a smile on her face as she crossed off yet another item on it. His connection to her was deepening by the day and after their honesty on the terrace he felt sure hers to him was as well.

Once inside the apartment, Robin dropped her bags where she stood and headed straight for the bedroom, exhausted and wanting nothing more than to sleep away the day. Patrick followed her, tucked her in and kissed her good night before heading back to his suitcase.

Being careful not to draw any attention, he slowly unzipped his bag, fished around for the small velvet covered box and quickly retrieved it before zipping the bag closed. He slipped it in his pocket and grabbing his keys from the table by the hall, headed out the door.

It was a short walk to his father's apartment and his fingers continued to trace the outline of the velvet box in his pocket as he hustled through the park and into the building. He could not keep the smile from his face as he knocked on the door.

Noah pulled the door open and did a double take as he saw his son standing on the other side.

"Patrick"

"Hi, c-can come in?" he asked.

"Of course," Noah said stepping out of the way.

Relief washed over him as he took a long look at him. Patrick had colour back in his cheeks, his hair was almost long enough that it was nearly impossible to tell it had been shaved; even the small patch on the back of his head where the radiation had been aimed seemed smaller. He was standing taller and looked stronger.

His son was back and he nearly wept with gratitude.

"H-how are you?" Patrick asked, flopping on to the couch.

"I'm good, though apparently not as good as you. How was Rome?"

"Am-mazing" he said, smiling. "J-just amazing."

"And did you pass the best friend test?"

His trademark, cocky smirk reappeared on his face as he nodded. "Like th-there was a d-doubt?"

"Silly me" Noah teased. "And Robin? She's doing well?"

"V-very." Reaching into his pocket, Patrick pulled out the box and passed it to his father.

Noah gave him a curious look before prying it open. His mouth dropped open slightly as he saw the gleaming sapphire beaming against the dark velvet. A small whoosh of breath escaped his lips.

"Oh my goodness" he said softly. "You're going to propose?"

Patrick nodded, his eyes dancing. "S-soon. She's th-the one" he said simply. "The only one I w-w-want."

"I am so very proud of you Sport."

Noah felt his heart expand with happiness. He had worried about his son for so long, worried about the damage he had inflicted but in spite of it all he had become the man he and Mattie both had hoped he would be.

"G-going to b-b-buy a house too. I'm a grown up n-now" he joked.

Noah looked back at the ring before meeting his son's eyes. "This is everything I could have wanted for you and more."

"W-wanted to say th-thanks" Patrick said somewhat shyly.

"Thanks?" Noah queried.

"For b-b-believing in me, even wh-when I couldn't."

Noah furiously wiped at the tears that had formed and smiled lovingly at his son. "Oh that. That was an easy thing to do. Some day when you're a father Patrick, you'll know that your child's potential is the easiest thing in the world to see. And believing in them is second nature."

Patrick smiled. "M-maybe s-s-someday."

Noah closed the box and handed it back to him. "Patrick, Robin is a lucky, lucky woman. And I love you."

"M-me too D-dad."

****  
Robin woke feeling as though an elephant had parked itself on her chest. Scrambling from the bed, she ran to the bathroom making it just in time to be sick. Her breasts felt heavy and sore and the dull ache of cramps in her stomach continued to pester her. Rising to her feet, she shuffled to the sink, splashing her face with cold water.

If she didn't know better she was ready to believe she was in the middle of one her worst periods ever. But it wasn't possible as it had not yet been 28 days.

Her head shot up and she stared at her reflection in the mirror. A cold sweat trickled down her back.

It was not possible. It was simply not possible. She staggered backwards and covered her mouth with her hand.

Stumbling from the bathroom, she headed to the den and pulled open the filing cabinet. In the back of the first drawer were a pile of samples that pharmaceutical and other medical companies regularly provided to doctors. She normally kept one of everything in her office at home in case she needed to look it up and one set at home. Rifling through the boxes, her hands started to shake.

"Come on, come on" she muttered. Spying the pink and blue box she grabbed it and slammed the door shut before sprinting back to the bathroom.

She read the instructions for the fourth time before finally taking the test. Putting the cap back on the end of the stick, she set it on the counter and waited.

She paced along the cold tiled floor as the minutes ticked by with excruciating slowness. Her mind was jumbled and short circuiting. She didn't know what she wanted the answer to be or what she should want it to be. She was on the verge of having everything she wanted and she wondered if the results would complete that or throw it all to hell.

She jerked as the buzzer on her watch vibrated against her wrist. Reluctantly, she walked to the counter and flipped the stick over to read the results. Clutching the stick in her hands, she sank to the floor in disbelief.

She was pregnant.


	137. Chapter 144

**Chapter 144**

My head is pounding here beneath the weight of this

Quickly stripping off his clothes and tossing them in the hamper, Patrick gently pulled back the covers and slipped underneath them. He had stayed at his father's much longer than he had intended but was grateful for the time with him. There were still issues between them that could be carelessly tripped over and trigger another round of bad feelings, but he really felt with enough time those would work themselves out. In the meantime, he was happy just to have a real relationship with him after 10 years of lies, pain and heartache.

Propping himself up on his elbow he stared at Robin through the darkness, drinking her in. The warmth of her vanilla body lotion floated easily through the room and her hair was fanned out around like a crown. He thought of the ring that he left with his father for safekeeping and felt his heart leap. He could not wait to give it to her; and that was a feeling he never thought he'd have. An appointment was booked for the end of the week to see the house and once she was at ease with that, then he'd being laying the groundwork for his proposal.

Patrick didn't consider himself a natural romantic and grand gestures were difficult for him but he wanted the proposal to be spectacular, to be a story worthy of telling over and over again to anyone who asked. He was less sure on exactly how to make that happen but there were a few ideas tossing around in his brain.

Flopping against the pillow, he snaked his arm around her waist and tugged her towards him. He whispered several kisses against her shoulder before sighing contentedly and closing his eyes. If the winter had been one of discontent, spring was proving to be enormously hopeful.

Robin clenched her eyes shut as she felt his arm go around her. Having heard his key in the door, she had quickly shut off the lights and pretended to be asleep. They needed to talk, she needed to tell him but she couldn't do it until she had figured out what it all meant and what she was going to do.

She had practically paced a hole through the living room floor as she tried to process the results of the pregnancy test. Convinced the test was wrong, she had sprinted to the pharmacy and bought another one. The second test showed the same result as the first and it was then that it began to sink in that she was in fact pregnant. Pregnant with a child neither of them were ready for and that she knew Patrick didn't want.

I can't imagine myself as a father

Those words echoed in her brain, more loudly than anything else. It had been an honest exchange between two friends; there had been no pulling of punches, no softening of blows, no groping for a compromise. It had been the pure undiluted truth. Her boyfriend did not want nor could he even envision himself as a parent. It had never occurred to her that she would ever have to choose between the man she loved and the child she had dreamed of having. It had never occurred to her because she had been so sure she would have neither.

His fingers played against her skin and tiny shivers crawled through her. He sleepily nuzzled her neck and she felt her eyes well with tears. She loved the way he smelled. She loved the way his stubble brushed against her neck through the night. Almost every morning she would wake up with tiny red patches on her skin where he had burrowed his face next to hers. It was a small, silly thing to even notice but after a protracted period of sleeping alone it was her daily reminder that she wasn't any longer. She hated the idea of having to give it all up.

The idea of terminating the pregnancy was out of the question for her. Dreams of being a mother had been ever present, even as a teenager. But never in her wildest dreams did she ever imagine it would come to fruition like this. It was a dream verging on a nightmare.

During her pacing she had reminded herself that it was Patrick who had suggested she not take the morning after pill. He had not wanted her to go through the side effects of it so soon after her protocol change. It had likely not occurred to him, in any real sense, that she could be pregnant; after all, what were the odds of that? A million to one? Ten million to one?

Slivers of moonlight spied through the curtains and she rolled on to her side and watched him as he slept. His soft, full lips were parted – almost invitingly so – as his breath moved in a steady and even rhythm. That's what he was to her, steady and even. He was wildly predictable which, given his previous reputation as a playboy, was almost amusing. Patrick would always try to do the right thing. He tried to pass himself off as selfish, and there certainly were aspects of his personality that evidenced that but when it came to the people he cared about, he wanted to do his very best by them.

It's why she had understood, though not accepted, his leaving as his tumour had worsened. He was scared and afraid for himself but he was also trying to protect her; his intentions had been good even if his actions were misguided. She knew that he would do the same thing here. He would stand by her side, go to every appointment with her, hold her hair as morning sickness took hold, run out in the middle of the night to satisfy her cravings and he would take care of their baby. But it wouldn't be because he wanted to – because he would be overjoyed at being a father, he would do it because it was the right thing to do. He would do it because he loved her. Her. Not the baby.

She lightly traced her fingertips over his brow and down his cheek. If they stayed together and she had the baby, he would be taking on something he had no desire for. Could she ask him to do that? Could she claim to love him and ask him to assume a role he had been clear about not wanting?

Her heart thumped painfully in her chest. Whoever said you could have it all was lying. The dream of a child was going to cost her the dream of life in love. She had long known the twisted sense of humour the universe possessed but this was almost too much to bear. She pressed her lips to his and left them there. Her head was a jumbled mess and she needed to sort it out but she just wanted one more taste of him before she did.

The quiet vibrations of her alarm pulled her from the temporary slumber she had succumbed to. Reluctantly rolling away from him she pushed the covers back and padded to the kitchen. As she swallowed down her protocol a plan, albeit small and short term, formed in her mind. What she needed was to find a place to go and think – a place where she would be left alone until she was ready.

Exhaling quietly it dawned on her where she could go. Grabbing a pad of paper and a pen, she wrote out a note to Patrick. He would be unhappy that she left a note rather than speak to him but she was sure if they came face to face she would blurt it all out. She didn't want that to happen, not until she knew what came next. Folding the paper, she propped it by the coffee machine and quietly headed back to the bedroom.

She dressed in the bathroom and packed one change of clothes in to her knapsack. With her hair pulled back she leaned in and kissed him goodbye. He barely stirred and she stole one more kiss for the road before heading out of the apartment.

*****  
Feeling the sun beat through the curtains, Patrick groaned, stretched and absently reached for Robin. It was only when he was met with empty space that he remembered she had an early shift. Kicking back the covers, he swung his feet to the floor and pulled on a pair of shorts before stumbling to the kitchen bleary-eyed. Fumbling with the switch for the coffee maker, he would have missed the note if he had not sent it sailing towards the ground.

Smiling to himself at the thought of a saucy note from Robin, he bent over and picked up. Flipping it open, he scanned it quickly, frowning as he did so. Rubbing his eyes he read it a second time.

_Patrick,_

I know you're not really going to understand this and it's going to seem like it's out of the blue but I need a day or two away – away from us. I'm overwhelmed, my head is a noisy place and I just need somewhere where I can think. I promise I'll call you tonight and let you know that I'm okay. Please trust me and trust that I love you but I just need to sort some things out.

I'll be home tomorrow.

I love you.

Robin

His knees began to shake as he sank back against the counter. Slamming his fist against the counter, he let out an anguished yell. It was the house. He had pushed too hard, was too insistent that they start articulating what their future was. How could have been so stupid?

Pressing his fists to his forehead, he grimaced. It was so typical of him to work through things in his head and then when he was finally ready to talk about them expected everyone to be on the same page. She had told him she was freaking out and instead of tabling the issue and telling her they could talk about it another time, he steamrolled right over her feelings and tried to assure her they were ready for it. He was so gung-ho, after reading his will, on getting the house on Hunter Street that he lost sight of the bigger picture. So what if they didn't get that house? There were plenty of other houses in Port Charles. They didn't need to do this so quickly.

"Ass! Ass! Ass!" he said out loud.

He stomped to the bathroom, furious at his own stupidity. Grabbing a facecloth from the rack, he ran it under the water and rubbed it over his face. Glaring at his own reflection in the mirror, he angrily tossed the facecloth, muttering to himself as it fell to the floor. Sighing heavily, he bent down to pick it up. A pink strip of paper laying beside the garbage can caught his eye and he reached over, picking it up. It was torn flap from a box and he was about to toss it when the printed label caught his eye.

_Home pregnancy test. 98% accurate. _

He stood absolutely still in his spot and stared at the label in utter disbelief. His knees started to shake again and the only sound he could hear was the blood rushing between his ears. Swallowing thickly, he bent down and rifled through the bathroom garbage can but found nothing.

Rising to his feet he stared out the door and down the hall. As though his legs had a mind of their own, he walked back to the kitchen and pulled the garbage bin from under the sink. He pulled the bag out and dumped it on the floor. Sinking to the ground he rummaged through the empty containers and wrappers looking for the test. His heart was working much faster than his brain as he searched for the rest of the puzzle. A wad of balled up toilet paper caught his attention and as he reached for it he knew he had found what he was looking for.

He pulled the balled toilet paper apart and looked at what was inside. Blowing out his cheeks, he felt his stomach lurch.

Robin was pregnant.

They were going to have a baby.


	138. Chapter 145

**Chapter 145**

I seek faith in your kiss and comfort in your heart  
But when I look in your eyes we stand worlds apart

Clutching the pregnancy test in his hands he fell back against the cupboard doors and exhaled loudly; so much of his future was contained in the plus sign showing through the window that it threatened to take his breath away.

A baby. His baby. Their baby.

His head was spinning with possiblities and potential. Closing his hand over his mouth, he inhaled sharply and tried to string together a coherent thought or two. Searching himself he waited for the expected sense of panic to sweep through him but to his enormous surprise there was nothing. He wasn't afraid or terrified or feeling like his life was over. He was surprised and shocked and overcome by a sudden need to run; a need to run to Robin.

He had never been able to imagine himself being a father because he was sure he would be terrible at it. Fear of failure was a major force in his life and it drove him to only seek out those things that he knew in advance he would be good at and fatherhood had never been a consideration. While he didn't have the affinity with kids that Eric did, he didn't hate them either, he just wasn't sure he would ever be able to give them what they needed. It was the same thing that had kept him away from relationships - he had been sure he had no idea how be what another person needed and so it had been easier all along to avoid it. But his relationship with Robin had taught him that he did know, he could anticipate another person's needs, he just had to stop trying to second guess himself. And he really believed that if he could fall in love, anything was possible - even being a parent.

Robin's need for space was understandable. They had had exactly one conversation about children in their relationship and it had been pretty abstract. They had talked about maybe wanting children someday but both agreeing that neither of them were ready. While he wasn't convinced they were ready now, it was irrelevant - they were going to have a baby. The desire to hold her in his arms and kiss her senseless was growing stronger. He needed to be with her, he wanted to assure her that everything was going to be fine even if he had no idea about what came next.

Looking again at the pregnancy test, he smiled and shook his head. Rising to his feet he walked down the hall to the bedroom. Opening the closet door, he pulled down the hat box that sat on the second shelf and gently pulled the lid off. Catching sight of the fudge mocha ice cream bar wrapper, he grinned. How far they had come, how much they had endured and risen above and how deeply they had come to love each other since the day he presented her with the ice cream bar in her hospital room. He placed the pregnancy test on the top of the pile and put the lid over the box before returning it to its place in the closet.

Running his hand over his hair, he sighed. He needed to find Robin but had no idea where to start. Pulling open his drawer, he retreived a pair of jeans and a dark green t-shirt. He quickly got dressed before heading back to the kitchen. Pouring himself a cup of coffee, he picked up the note and read it again.

"Wh-where are you Robin?" he asked out loud.

For a brief moment he considered calling Mac and asking his advice but if Robin was there he was sure her uncle would not tell him and if she wasn't, his query would likely create some kind of panic that Robin did not want. Nor was he quite ready to tell anyone that Robin was pregnant.

He read the note again. _I'm overwhelmed, my head is a noisy place and I just need somewhere where I can think._ He could practically hear the lightbulb going off over his head. Sprinting back to the bedroom he pulled on socks and stepped into his shoes. He shoved his wallet in his back pocket, grabbed his jacket and keys and headed out. He couldn't wait to be with her.

*****

As he turned his car down the long dirt road, he smiled when he spotted her tail lights. It had been a long drive and there had been several moments of doubt that perhaps he was guessing wrong but his confidence was restored as he parked his car next to hers. He followed the well worn path past the main house to the studio. Early spring flowers were bunched around the steps as he walked up and peeked through the window. Looking inside and seeing her curled the rocking chair, staring at the ocean, his heart leapt.

The door creaked as he pushed it open and he stepped inside. "Robin" he called to her.

She slowly lifted her head and turned towards the door, staring at him in shock. "Patrick?"

He crossed the room in three easy steps and pulled her into his arms, hugging her tightly. "I love you" he whispered.

Feeling the safety and warmth of his arms, she melted against him and buried her head in his neck. She wanted to freeze time and have it stop at this very moment. She wanted this to be the lasting moment, to ward off all the pain and sadness and disappointment that was to come. Carefully extricating herself from his arms, she smiled sadly. "Patrick," she begain.

"I know" he interjected, cupping her face with his hands.

Her brow furrowed together in confusion. "Know what?"

He smiled. "You're p-p-pregnant," he stammered. "W-we're going to have a b-baby." He closed his mouth over hers and kissed her passionately.

Robin momentarily lost herself in the kiss before reluctantly pushing him away. "Not we" she corrected, "me."

"Wh-what do you mean?" he asked cautiously.

Her bottom lip quivered. She wasn't ready to say it out loud, she wasn't ready to make it real but there would never be a time when she would be and to delay it would be cruel. "I am going to miss you" she told him sadly, several tears escaping from her eyes.

Patrick frowned. "Are you g-g-going somewhere?"

"You don't want to be a father" she reminded him quietly, "and I can't give up this chance to be a mother."

Kneeling in front of her, he took her hands in his. Though unsure what was waiting for him as he made his way to the Hamptons, he had certainly not expected this. "D-don't want you to give it up. I want to be with you and the baby" he told her.

She shook her head. "No. You want to be with me because you love me. You want to be with the baby because it's the right thing to do. But I love you - I love you too much to ask you to do something I know in your heart you do not want."

Letting go over her hands, he kneeled back on his heels and exhaled.  
Her pain and struggle were etched clearly on her face and it was obvious she had been thinking about this for hours, he just wasn't sure why she was so sure he didn't want a baby.

"Wh-what are you talking about?" he asked as he nervously wiped his hands along his jeans.

She bit down on the inside of her cheek. "You can't imagine yourself being a father and I am not going to ask you to be one. It kills me," she cried, "that we can't be together but I can't - I just can't give up something I've wanted for a long time"

"Wh-what are you talking about?" The panic that had been absent at the apartment was begining to make itself known now. He could feel her pulling away from him and he was at a loss to understand why.

"The conversation you had with Eric," she replied, wiping at the fresh tears, "you told him you couldn't imagine being a father. I saw it in your own handwriting. And I want you to know that I respect your wishes and I'm not going to ask you to do this."

"I want to be a father" he said quietly.

"No you don't. You want to do the right thing because you are a good, honourable and loving man. But I won't ask you to give up what's important to you - your freedom- just so I can have what's important to me. You mean too much to me."

Standing up, he slammed his hand against the wall sending peels of paint flying to the floor. "Stop it!" he yelled. "Stop putting words in my mouth or trying to speak for me! This isn't about doing the right thing - this is about loving you and loving our baby. I want to be with you and the baby -I want to be a family!"

It did not escape Robin's notice at how freely and unencumbered his speech flowed during his angry tirade. It was an enormous breakthrough for him, one he had been working months to acheive and she wanted to celebrate it with him but as with so many things, it was just bad timing.

"I can't ask you-"

"For the love of God Robin! You aren't asking! You didn't ask - you didn't even tell me - I found out and I came for you and our baby. I figued where you were and drove like a maniac because I wanted to hold you and kiss you and tell you that just when I think I can't love you more something happens and I do."

Tears streamed down her face. "I love you" she told him, "don't ever doubt that but it would be unfair to you to take on something you don't want."

His brown eyes blazed furiously and he jammed his hands in his pockets to keep from hitting the wall a second time. "You really, really need to stop acting like you know me better than I do."

"You told Eric-"

"I told Eric in a very specific context. I told him weeks after getting out of the hospital. I told him when I couldn't remember the last six months and I had no idea what I had been through or anyone else but I knew that it wasn't good. And in that moment, in that conversation I couldn't imagine being a father - not as I was - weak and sick. There was also no child then but there is now. We've made a baby - god Robin, one of the most amazing nights of my life and we made a child. And now you're trying to tell me that I can't be a part of it using some feeble excuse?"

"It's not feeble!" she yelled, jumping up from the chair. "A child should be wanted-"

"Don't you dare say I don't want that child, that's all I've said since I got here" he hissed.

"You want to do the right thing and that's not the same as wanting a child. If I were to have asked you yesterday if you wanted to be a parent, what would you have said?"

He shook his head and swallowed thickly, trying to control his temper. "It doesn't matter what I would have said" he told her, as calmly as he could, "because yesterday we didn't know that we were parents and now we do and that changes everything."

"Patrick, you don't understand."

"You're right, I don't. I think what you want is some kind of utopian circumstance where this had all been discussed beforehand and agreed to and it all happened perfectly and according to plan. But nothing happens according to plan and thist last year has proven that to both of us. We have an amazing basis of love on which we can build anything. You're terrified" he said, almost accusingly, "and I get that but that doesn't mean you get to make unilateral decisions about our relationship or decide for me what I do and don't want."

"I want you to be honest" she whispered tearfully.

He took several steps towards her. "I am" he said quietly.

She violently shook her head and stepped away from him. "No you aren't. You're saying this is what you want but it isn't. And you're going to wake up in 2 years or 5 or 10 and feel trapped and hate it. You will resent me" she cried, "and that would kill me. As hard as breaking up now is, the alternative is worse."

His breath hitched as he inhaled sharply. Conflicting feelings of wanting to shake her and wanting to hold her washed over him and with shaky legs, he sat down on the window sill. "Do you have any idea how much hurt I want to bring to the people who hurt you and who contributed to your....your....mixed up thought process?" Robin stared at him in shock. "I could kill Jason Morgan for the legacy his actions have left in you. Robin, the only thing - the ONLY thing I resent is you trying to tell me that you know my mind and my heart. And if you think I'm just going to give up on you and our family, you're out of your mind."

"I love you" she told him hoarsely, "but this won't work."


	139. Chapter 146

**Chapter 146**

And you took my heart when you left

Sitting on the floor, his back pressed to the wall, Patrick curled his finger through his shoelace and sucked in a breath. Robin had sunk back into the rocking chair and pulled her legs to her chest. They had sat, not speaking, for almost an hour. They were at an impasse and neither was sure of what should happen next.

"Your speech is back" Robin told him quietly as she finally broke the thick silence hanging in the air.

His head snapped up. "Pardon?"

"Your speech," she smiled shyly, "it's back. You didn't stammer or stutter once."

Giving a ruefull smirk, he shrugged his shoulders. "Who knew all it would take was the threat of me losing everything to speak like a normal human being?"

Robin winced at his words. "I'm doing this for you"

"No" he disagreed. "You're doing this for you. You aren't hearing me, you don't want to believe what I'm telling you because it doesn't jive with whatever is going on in your head. Because if you were listening to what I've said then you would know that I want nothing of what you said."

Sighing heavily, Robin wrapped her arms around her legs and pulled them tighter to her as though she was trying to make herself as small as possible. She knew she had hurt him but in her heart she really believed that this hurt would be minor compared to the hurt that awaited both of them when he realized down the road that he was feeling trapped.

"You say that now-" she began before he interrupted.

"Yes. I say that now. In this moment with you I'm telling you that I love you and I love our baby and I want us to be a family."

He watched as Robin chewed on her bottom lip. She was deeply conflicted and it pained him to see her so unsure and resorting to old habits. In the beginning of their relationship, as her head and heart warred with each other about him, she had done everything she could to push him away. And she was doing it again. He knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that in her heart she knew he was telling the truth but her head was another matter. It was the same reason she had panicked about buying the house when he brought it up in Rome; in her life the closer she got to having what she wanted, the closer she got to having it all taken away from her. During their time together she had revealed bits and pieces of her relationships with both Stone and Jason and those tiny insights had told him so much about the choices she made. Stone's death altered her, in the way death often does, but it was Jason's treatment of her that produced a cold, hard rage inside him. He had brought a child into their lives, they had started to live like a family but when she did the right thing she lost not only him but almost everyone else in her life. It was only natural that she believed the same could happen again.

"You don't trust me" he told her, with a hint of accusation in his voice.

Her head snapped up. Tearstains were streaked along her cheeks and her eyes were red-rimmed. "I do" she whispered.

"Then you don't trust that I'm not going to leave" he amended.

"You did once already" Her quick answer surprised her and she covered her mouth with her hand.

Patrick's brown eyes widened and then narrowed. Tipping his head back he tapped it against the wall. "Ah," he answered. "So because of a choice I made when I was sick, when I had a tumour impacting my cognitive function, you know believe that I'm going to leave you and our baby?"

Robin tucked her hair behind her ears and brought her chin to rest on her knees. "I know why you left - I understand it but I also know that when you get scared or fed up you want to run. And if you take on something that you don't want with all your heart then you will get scared or fed up and run."

"You're unbelievable" he said angrily. "You are looking for guarantees that cannot be given. Robin - you are just as likely to split and run as I am. We both do it."

She gasped. "I would never leave my child."

"Nor would I" he shot back. "And it's our child. You are so afraid of being left one more time that it's easier for you to refuse to believe in me than to trust how much I love you. Is what I've done really so unforgivable?"

"I have forgiven you" she snapped in exasperation.

"Then why are you still punishing me?"

Tears flowed anew down her cheeks. The truth of the matter was that she didn't even entirely understand her own behaviour but every time she thought of them as a family she dangled on the precipice of a full-fledged panic attack. Her parents had taught her long ago to listen to her fight or flight instincts and right now she was more flight than fight.

"I'm not punishing you" she cried.

"That's not what it feels like from here," he answered, tears welling in his eyes. "It feels like you're trying to get back at me."

Anger flashed through her and unfurling her legs, she jumped to her feet. "I asked for a couple of days to think this through and instead all I have is a few hours. I need space! You need to stop smothering me. You found out about your tumour and you kept it a secret from me for weeks - WEEKS! You said you had wanted time to understand it, accept it and figure it out and so you took it. I want the same thing now and suddenly I'm a bad guy??"

"So you are trying to get back at me?"

"NO!" she yelled. "You don't understand!" Her chest heaved as her breath came in spurts and her legs started to shake. She felt as though she was going to be crushed under the weight of all of it.

Seeing her mounting distress, Patrick slowly got to his feet. "You're right" he told her softly, "I don't understand. Robin, this should be a joyful moment for you - for both of us. You have wanted to be a mother for a long time and now you will be."

"That's the problem!" she sobbed, "I'm going to have a baby - I'm going to have a child and it means that my child - my child is going to watch me die. They're going to watch me die of AIDS like I watched Stone, they're going to have me taken from them too soon" she gulped for air as her face was awash in anguished tears, "like your mother was. I'm going to get something I've dreamed about but at what cost to our child?"

"Oh Robin" he sighed, walking to her. As he wrapped his arms around her, she fisted his shirt and sobbed against his chest. He ran his hands along her back trying to soothe her. He hated her virus. He hated how it took her mind to worst case scenarios when she should be ebullient, how it robbed her of feeling a moment of total joy because it continued to lurk reminding her that it could all fall to pieces.

They sank down to the floor together and he rocked gently as she continued to sob; he pressed small kisses to her cheek as he held her. She was so completely overwhelmed by all of it and in typical Robin fashion she was going to strip everything down to the base level and then build it back up again. His mother once told him that great love - truly great love - meant putting another person first even when doing so was going to be painful to yourself. He had never truly understood what she meant until this moment. And his heart ached as he readied to say words he never imagined he would say.

"You know I love you with all my heart, right?" he asked as his eyes brimmed with tears. She nodded against his shoulder. "You said you need space so I'll move out - as long as you understand that I'm not leaving you - living together or not, I'm with you."

He held his breath as she lifted her head. He hoped, he prayed that she would tell him no, that she wanted him to stay but as her eyes met his he felt his heart sink.

"I love you " Her throat was thick with tears swallowed down.

"I know" he replied, kissing her mouth and their tears intermingling.

"I'm not trying to punish you" she told him. "I'm really not"

"I know" he repeated. "Robin, this is not what I want -moving out - but I don't want to smother you. So you take the time and space that you need but you do so knowing that I will be here," he swallowed down a small sob, "I will be here, waiting for you when you're ready to come back to me."

"What if I'm never ready?" she asked fearfully.

Patrick shook his head. "You will be. I know this because I know you, I know us and you will be ready. We love each other too much for you not to be."


	140. Chapter 147

**Chapter 147**

I woke up this morning to an empty sky

Robin sat cross-legged on the bed and watched as Patrick very carefully and very precisely folded his clothes and placed them in the suitcase. What a difference from the frantic, urgent packing he had done when he ran to New York. She had begged him to stay then and wished she could do that now but it was all proving to be too much and she needed some time alone.

They had sat, tangled together on the floor of the studio, for a few hours. She had cried and held on to him; they had kissed both passionately and comfortingly. As the sun had started to set Patrick had, reluctantly, suggested it was time to head back to Port Charles. As she had driven home, his car following just behind, she had tried to talk herself out of letting him leave. She had cajoled, reprimanded and pushed herself to ask him to stay but every time she had got close to it, her heart would pound, her hands would shake and a cold sweat would shiver down her spine. She was at a loss to explain why he needed to leave, she just believed he did.

As he placed another sweater into the suitcase, he looked over and smiled wistfully. "You have to stop crying," he told her quietly.

She exhaled and wiped her eyes. "I feel like I'm ruining everything"

Sighing heavily, he closed over the suitcase and sat down beside her on the bed. He took her hand in his and ran his thumb in small, soothing circles against her palm. "You aren't. Look, I don't pretend to truly understand what's going on in your headspace right now but I do know that me being here as you try to sort through it is pushing you over the edge. I love you and I love our baby," he gently placed his hand against her stomach. "I owe it to both of you to make sure you're healthy."

"I wish you'd stop being so nice about this"

"Robin," he sighed. "What do you want me to do - yell at you?"

She folded her legs against her chest and brought her cheek down on the top of her knees. "No" she whispered. "But I'd understand if you're mad."

He stroked her hair, his hand trembling slightly. "I'm not, I'm confused. You didn't yell at me when I left for New York and you've been incredibly supportive and understanding through everything. It's my time to return the favour. Do I wish it didn't mean me moving out? Yeah, I do. But at the end of the day you mean too much to me for me to do anything to hurt you."

Unfolding her body she launched herself into his arms and hugged him tightly. Her heart was breaking and yet she felt powerless to stop it. She loved him and yet was pushing him away. She had truly become her own worst enemy. It would be so much easier if he yelled her, told her she was wrong, ended things with her - she understood that. But his kindness and unconditional support was only making her more confused.

"I love you" she told him, her lips pressed to his neck.

"I know" he reassured her.

Gently extracting himself from her embrace, he got to his feet. It was taking all the strength he had not to throw his suitcase on the floor, pull her into his arms and declare that there was no way in hell he was leaving. But he knew that wasn't what she needed and he needed to find it within himself to be as selfless as possible, no matter how much it hurt. He closed the lid of his suitcase and zipped it shut.

"I'm going to call Kelly tomorrow" she said suddenly. "And make an appointment"

Pursing his lips together, he nodded. "I'd like to be there" he told her. "For the appointment."

Sniffling, Robin ran the back of her hand over her mouth. "Of course. Of course - I'm not trying to cut you out." She shook her head. "I'm sorry I'm making this so hard."

"I should go" he said sadly.

"I'm sorry" she whispered.

Unable to help himself, he cupped her face with his hands and tenderly kissed her lips. "I need you to promise me two things" he asked, searching her eyes.

"Okay"

"I want you to promise that you're going to talk to someone - Brenda, Alexis, Mac, your support group - whoever - but you need to talk to someone Robin, someone else if it can't be me."

She nodded. "I will. What's the other thing?"

"Don't forget how much you matter to me." Reaching out, he touched the claddagh necklace she never took off. "No matter what."

As tears streamed down her face, she kneeled up on the bed and kissed him. He slowly let go of her lips, grasped the handle of his suitcase and headed out of the bedroom. Robin stayed where she was, unable to get up from the bed. She knew if she did, if she walked him to the door she would beg and plead with him to stay. She curled into a ball and lay down on the bed. A sob esacped from her throat as she heard the front door close behind him.

*****  
"Our dinner is going to get cold" Alexis remarked breathlessly as she lay streched out on the couch, Eric on top of her.

He nuzzled her neck, nipping at the soft skin. "It can be reheated" he murmured. "I can't"

Laughing, she swept her hands over his bare shoulders and pulled him closer to her. "Oh you can be reheated, a couple of times if I recall correctly"

Lifting his head, his blue eyes dancing with desire, he nibbled on her bottom lip. "You're a bad girl" he told her huskily.

Hooking a leg over his hip and pushing him against her she waggled her eyebrows. "You have yet to begin to see bad."

"I can't wa-" Hearing a loud, persistent knock at the door, Eric sighed and slid off the couch. "I swear to god if it's girl scout cookies I'm buying their whole case so they leave us alone."

Springing to her feet, Alexis placed her hand on his chest and smiled. "Why don't I get it? I'm still clothed" she grinned as she admired his bare chest and the way his battered jeans hung low against his hips.

Eric smirked. "And why is that exactly?" Sinking back down onto the couch, he picked up his beer bottle and took a long drink from it.

Pulling open the door, Alexis did a double take as she saw Patrick standing in the doorway, suitcase in hand, looking forlorn. "Patrick?"

After leaving the apartment he had got into his car and sat in the parking lot for almost half an hour, unsure of where to go. He thought of calling his father but he was not yet ready to have that conversation, not so soon after asking him to hold on to the engagement ring for safekeeping. For a moment he considered a room at the Metrocourt Hotel but having left that cold, impersonal life for the warmth of Robin's apartment, he could not imagine going back. In the end there was only one place for him to go now that the shit had hit the fan.

Seeing her disshevled appearance and untucked shirt he was acutely aware of having interrupted something. "I didn't....I should have called first...I-"

"Don't be silly," Alexis told him. Taking him by the arm, she pulled him inside the loft and closed the door.

Shrugging on his t-shirt, Eric scrambled to his feet. "Pantsy?" There was a haunted look to his friend's face that worried him. Having spied his suitcase he gathered immediately that things were not good. "What's going on?"

"I...I....I need a place to stay" he stammered.

It had taken all of his energy and strength to be understanding and supportive and to leave. Now that he had done all of that, he felt as though he was on the verge of collapse. While he felt it would only be a matter of time before Robin found her way back to him but it did little to dull the ache in his heart. He should be over the moon with happiness but instead it seemed as though everything was crashing around him.

"Of course you can stay here" Eric said as he took his suitcase from his hands. "But what's happened?"

Swallowing thickly, he opened his mouth to speak but found the words hard to come by. Smiling sympathetically Alexis hooked her arm through his and led him to the couch. Patrick sank into the cushions and let out a shuddering breath.

"Robin is pregnant" he said quietly. "We're going to have a baby."

Alexis slipped her hand inside Eric's and gave it a small squeeze. "Wow" Eric said. "Congratulations." As he took a seat beside his friend, he gave him a curious look. "But I guess I don't understand why that means you need a place to stay?"

Patrick smirked wryly. "That makes two of us."

"Patrick, is Robin okay?" Alexis asked quietly.

He shook his head. "She's freaking out. She....she thinks I only want to be with her and the baby now out of obligation. I've tried to convince her otherwise but she doesn't believe me. She....she's supposed to be happy but....." He ran his hands over his face. "It's all gone to shit."

"Why did you leave then?" Eric prodded carefully.

He tipped his head on the back of the couch and blew out his cheeks. "I had to. She's practically having a panic attack and I only seem to make it worse. I've told her I love her, that I love our baby, that I want to be a family but it only seems to make things worse."

"Well speaking as someone who's been pregnant a couple of times, I can tell you it can be overwhelming and terrifying even if you've planned it. But those feelings pass and she will come around."

Patrick shook his head. "I don't know Alexis. I've never seen her quite like this."

"Is she at home?" Patrick nodded. Alexis got to her feet. "I think maybe I'll go and see her."

His head shot up and he gave her a hopeful look. "Would you?"

Getting to her feet, she smiled. "Of course I will. Maybe talking to someone who has been where she is will help." Placing her hand on his shoulder, she kissed his cheek. "Congratulations - you're going to be a great Dad." He clenched his eyes shut to stem the tears that threatened to fall and nodded his thanks.

She gathered her coat and purse and Eric walked her to the door. He kissed her goodbye and after closing the door, headed to the kitchen. He returned with a cold beer and pressed it into his friend's hands before reclaiming his seat on the couch.

"Your speech has returned" he observed.

"Yeah" he scoffed dismissively, twisting the cap from his beer. "It's funny, up until today I thought it was the end of the world that I couldn't speak properly. Now I'd go back to stuttering and that fucking white board if it meant I could be back with my girlfriend."

"You will be back with her - before you know it." Eric reassured him. "How about you? How do you feel about being a father?"

Circling his finger over the top of his beer bottle Patrick shrugged. "When it was just an idea, I wasn't sure that I would want it but now that it's here, all I want is to be a family with Robin. Smitty, I used to think this would be the kiss of death but that's because I didn't know - I didn't know what it meant to be in love. I've spent all those years denying ever wanting a family. Now that I have the chance at one ... I may lose it anyways."

"That's not going to happen," he told him confidently. "There's too much love between the two of you for it to work out any other way."

He took a long drink from his beer and sighed. "I hope you're right. I would hate to think that I survived all that I did only to lose everything that matters to me."


	141. Chapter 148

**Chapter 148**

I woke up this morning, I could barely breathe

Bleary-eyed and exhausted, Robin rolled from her bed and shuffled to the door as the knocking grew more persistent. Too tired to even check who was on the other side, she simply pulled the door open. Her mouth dropped open as she saw Alexis standing on the other side holding a tray of hot drinks.

"I don't know how bad the morning sickness is" she said, nodding at the tray, "so I picked up chamomile tea, mint tea, decaf coffee and decaf chai. I figured something in there might appeal to you."

Stepping aside to let her friend pass, she shook her head. "You've seen Patrick, I take it?" she asked quietly as she closed the door.

Setting the tray down on the table Alexis turned to face her and nodded. "I was at Eric's when he showed up. How are you?" she asked kindly.

Shrugging, Robin folded her arms across her chest. "I'm okay" she answered weakly.

Alexis said nothing, simply arching her eyebrow as a challenge.

"Not buying that?"

She shook her head. "Not so much, no."

Robin sighed. "I'm a wreck," she admitted tearfully.

Alexis held her arms open to her and Robin walked into them. Closing her arms around her, Alexis hugged her tightly. Feeling the comfort from her friend, Robin dissolved into tears yet again. Taking her by the hand, Alexis led her to the couch and passed her a kleenex. Robin smiled sheepishly, taking the kleenex and wiped her eyes. After Patrick had left she had picked up the phone several times to call Mac and then Brenda but could not quite bring herself to complete the call. She wasn't even sure what she would say - that she was pregnant and just asked her boyfriend to move out? It had been easier to pull the covers around her and just stay in bed.

"Can I tell you a few things about pregnancy that don't ever seem to make it into the 'puppies and rainbows' scenarios that you always read about?" Robin nodded. "Okay, first - the hormones will kick your ass. There's no way around it and it's not a punchline. Tears, fatigue, being snappish, it's all part of the gift of pregnancy. And the second thing is that your body has ceased to be your own. Every decision you make, conciously or subconciously, now until you give birth is going to be dictated by the little one you're carrying."

"Terrific" she sniffed.

"I've really sold you on the benefits, haven't I?" she teased. "I'm telling you this because Robin, you are going to need to be exceptionally kind to yourself in the coming months as you try to adjust what's going on with you physically."

Nodding gratefully, she reached for one of the drinks in the tray. Peeling back the lid, she blew on the hot drink sending the steam billowing upwards. "How...how was Patrick?" she asked tentatively.

"He's confused and he's worried about you."

"He shouldn't be confused," she remarked, absently playing with the corner of the lid, "he should be furious with me."

Alexis cocked her head to the side and looked at her friend. There was a distinct mixture of pain and fear etched on her face and it was clear that Robin didn't necessarily understand where the feelings were coming from.

"Would it be easier for you if he was furious?"

Her head snapped up. "I don't understand what you mean."

Alexis inhaled quietly, aware she was going to be treading on dangerous ground. "Robin, is it possible that you don't accept that you should get everything you want?" Seeing the protest forming on her lips, Alexis held up her hands. "Hear me out. You've been close to having what you've wanted before - being deeply loved, a family to call your own - only to have it snatched away. You yourself told me that you moved across the world to get away from the pain of it. So is it possible that here on the precipice of having it again, you think it's easier to blow it up rather than wait for it to come crashing to an end?"

"I don't know" she whispered.

"Robin, I'm a Cassadine, self-sabotage is in my DNA and it takes every ounce of rational thought and strength not to give in to it when good things start to happen."

She pulled on her bottom lip as she considered what her friend was telling her. Every new experience was formed by past experiences and it was possible she was trying to ward off what she, on some level, believed to be the eventual end of things by ending it herself. She wasn't sure how to trust that things wouldn't come crashing to an end - she had not had a lot of experience with happy endings.

"Patrick doesn't want to be a father," she said when she finally spoke.

"Really?" Alexis challenged gently. "Because when I saw him he certainly sounded like a man who wants to be a father to his child."

She shook her head, frustrated that no one could see what she did. "He's only saying that because it's the right thing to do. I don't want to be his obligation."

Leaning back against the couch, she gave her a curious look. Alexis had some experience with living life as a duck - calm and cool on the surface but paddling like hell under the water - and she recognized a lot of herself in the young doctor. When so much time was spent on keeping an unruffled exterior, it could be incredibly destabilizing when all your insecurities and doubts came bubbling to the surface at once.

"His obligation? Robin he is madly, deeply, crazy in love with you - there's no hint of obligation there."

"You don't understand!" she snapped, slamming her hand down on the couch cushion.

Unfazed, Alexis shrugged. "So explain it to me."

With an exaggerated sigh, trying to keep her temper under control, Robin tucked her legs up underneath her. "I've trapped him - don't you see? He's trapped because of me."

"Sweetheart, I think if you ask him he will tell you he isn't."

"He's going to be tied to me for life - for however long my life is. We're going to have a baby and I'm not going to live long enough to see our child into adulthood - so he is going to have to do it." Tears pooled in her eyes but as she sucked in a breath she willed them not to fall. "He is going to have to explain to our child why I died, why I selfishly brought a child into this world knowing that my time is going to be short. I've trapped him into a lifetime committment when I don't have a lifetime to give. He will come to hate me for it and on top of it all, he'll have to take care of a child - our child."

Alexis let out a long, slow breath. "Robin, did you poke a hole in the condom?"

Her brown eyes widened in shock at the suggestion. "NO! God no, I would never do that to him - I would never expose him like that."

Reaching for her hand, she gave it a squeeze. "Then you haven't trapped him."

Robin's throat was thick as she took one serrated breath after another. "Alexis, I am going to die - slowly, painfully and way before I'm ready to. And if I let him stay, he will be by my side through it all-"

"Because that's what happens when two people love each other," she interjected.

She shook her head. "But now he's going to have to stay - with this baby. Even if he wants to leave he won't be able to because someone will have to take care of our child when I can't. And he is too good of a man to walk away from his responsibilities. So you see, I've trapped him - I didn't mean to but that's what's happened." The tears that she had been holding off, broke through and tumbled down her cheeks.

Alexis tugged the young doctor into her arms and hugged her tightly. "So finding out you're pregnant has brought your mortality into sharp focus?" she asked gently. Robin nodded. "Would you believe me if I told you it happened to every woman when she finds out she's pregnant?"

Carefully pulling out of the embrace, Robin dabbed at her eyes. "But not every woman has HIV."

"True. But discovering you're pregnant means that it is no longer about you and that means you start considering things that you may or may not have spent a lot of time thinking about."

"I'm trying to protect him" she said hoarsely.

"Do you think his pain of losing you when the end comes will be lessened because you've pushed him away? Do you think somehow he'll miss you less?"

"I don't know"

"Sure you do" Alexis encouraged. "Did your feelings for him diminish at all when he ran to New York? Did you stop worrying about him?"

Robin smiled tiredly. "You're very tricky, you know."

Alexis grinned in response. "Lawyer."

Exhaling, she ran her hands over her face. "I don't know what to do" she whispered.

"Would you like my advice?"

Robin smirked. "Pretty please?"

"I think this is a conversation you need to have with Patrick. He needs to know your concerns and your fears - and you need to know his. Look, maybe the space isn't a bad thing right now while you sort this out - it will help both of you clarify your feelings - not for each other, but for everything else that comes with it. And then I think you need to talk to someone, be it your support group or a professional. Your child is a miracle in so many ways - just like you," she added.

"Alexis, I'm scared."

"I know you are" she smiled sympathetically. "I'd be more worried about you if you weren't. You're going to come through this," she assured her, "with Patrick."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

Robin ran her hand over her stomach and sighed. She had always imagined that acheiving her dreams would make her feel invincible, as though she could walk on water. It never occured to her that it would give voice to her nightmares. And until she could silence them, until she could think about the future without seeing the end of everything she needed to tread cautiously; with herself and with Patrick. 


	142. Chapter 149

**Chapter 149**

Don't give up, you're not beaten yet

Rolling over in the seemingly cavernous bed, Patrick stared at the clock and groaned. It was barely 5 a.m. and if he had managed to sleep more than 20 minutes it was a miracle. He imagined this was only the first of many long, sleepless nights to come. He hated sleeping alone. Even when they had been working different shifts at the hospital and he would go to bed without her, he did so knowing that she would be joining him at some point; he had no such reassurances now. It had also been different when he moved to New York. While he had missed her every day, he had been distracted with his declining health and the pain of the treatment he had been enduring.

Flipping on to his back, he stared up at the ceiling. He wanted to make it better for her. He desperately wanted to take whatever fear was driving her and slay it for her. He snickered as a vision of him with a sword and holding a dragon's head flashed in his mind – not quite the image he was going for.

Months of conversations played in his mind like a tape recorder on perpetual loop. He knew he had given her more than a few reasons to doubt him. Although his intention in keeping secrets from her had always been to prevent her from experiencing pain, it had never quite worked out that way. And as he had slid down the slippery slope of his illness, he had done the one thing that struck at her very heart – he had left. And that had given her every reason to believe that he would do so again, despite his protestations to the contrary.

It had been a long road for her as his support – she had watched his health fail in small and large ways and the road to recovery had not proven any kinder as she struggled with his memory loss and his aphasia. He shook his head – it was no wonder she was wary of him now that a baby was on the way. She needed a steadying influence and he seemed to have careened from crisis to crisis. If he was going to convince her that she could count on him, if he was going to show her that this was not an obligation for him but rather the completion of something he had not even known he wanted until it happened then he needed to be an anchor for her.

Sitting up in bed, he kicked the covers back and swung his feet to the floor. He needed to reclaim the life he had prior to being a patient and the first way to do that was to go back to work. Flipping open his cell phone, he called the Chief of Staff's office and left a voice mail message asking for a meeting later in the morning. While he might not be ready to return to the OR, he certainly was ready to see patients.

Closing his phone, he got up from the bed and rifling through his suitcase, found a pair of track pants and a long-sleeved shirt. Pulling on his running shoes, he grabbed his keys and crept quietly from the room. In order to have Robin – and others – stop seeing him as a patient, he had to stop feeling like one. He needed to regain his stamina; maybe it would help her to see him as less fragile. She did not seem ready yet to let him help her with whatever it was that making her push him away, but she would eventually and he would make sure he was ready.

Closing the apartment door behind him, he headed out of the building and to the park for a run.

*****

Josh broke into a wide smile as Eric breezed through the door. "Eric!" he exclaimed.

"Hey little man," he grinned, "how are you feeling today?"

The young boy shrugged. "Okay. My head still hurts though."

Sitting his long, lean frame down in to the chair at his bedside, Eric rubbed Josh's arm. "It's going to hurt for a while. Do you need some magic pills?" He gave a slight shake of his head. "Well then, you might just be ready for your surprise."

His blue eyes went wide with anticipation. "Surprise?" he asked in a small voice.

Reaching into his pocket, Eric pulled out a portable Playstation and handed it to him. "Your physiotherapist told me you've been working really hard and doing all the exercises she's asked you to do, so I thought you might want this."

"Wow" he said wondrously, trailing his tiny fingers over the screen. A sudden panic gripped him and he looked over at Eric with a worried look on his face. "Does this mean you won't visit anymore?"

He smiled reassuringly at him. "Nah, you can't get rid of me that easily" he replied.

His choice of a gift had been two-fold - he wanted to keep him motivated to keep working at his recovery – he had miles to get yet before he was out of the woods – and a video game would also help him work on his hand-eye coordination which was lagging due to his extensive injuries.

Comforted, Josh looked back at the game and smiled. "This is the best surprise _ever_" he stated. "In my whole life."

Eric swallowed down a lump in his throat. It was impossible for him to accept that one so young had lived through so much already. "I'm glad you like it" he said hoarsely. "I have one too at home, so maybe once you're used to it, I'll bring it in and we can play together?"

Josh nodded. "Eric?"

"Yeah?"

"When I get better, can I go home with you?"

Blowing out his cheeks, he tried to ignore the way his heart leapt even at the idea. "One step at a time okay? We have to keep our focus on getting you better."

****  
Standing on the other side of the door, Alexis grimaced as she heard Josh's question. How she wished she could just wave a magic wand and have everyone get what and who they needed – Josh and Eric; Patrick Robin and their baby.

"Still worried about him?"

Turning, Alexis smiled at Patrick. "Yes," she admitted. "I fear for broken hearts all over the place."

Looking through the window into the room, he nodded. "Yeah, me too" he said wistfully.

"How are you?" she asked, leading him away from the door.

Shrugging, Patrick jammed his hands in his pockets and leaned against the wall. "Not sure. I'm meeting Alan in a little bit to talk about coming back to work." He paused, his tongue darting out of his mouth and moistening his dry lips. "How was she when you saw her?"

"Scared and confused but still madly in love with you."

It wasn't that he truly doubted that she loved him, if he were honest with himself he knew that no matter what happened between them that would never change, but it was a source of comfort to hear someone else make the observation.

"I want to help her Alexis, I want to make this better for her – whatever it is."

Smiling, she gently touched his arm. "I know you do. Patrick you're a good man – she knows that too. But right now the best thing you can do for her is be patient."

He sighed heavily. "I'm trying – I mean I will be. But I just wish I knew what I was being patient about. This is so much more than her thinking I want to be a father out of obligation but I can't put the pieces together. This should be a happy time and it's killing me that she's so upset."

"Patrick, I have to tread carefully here. I don't want to betray any of Robin's confidences-"

"I'm not asking you to do that" he interjected. "I guess…I guess I'm looking for a little guidance."

"Here's what I can tell you. Everyone always talks about how discovering you're pregnant is a great joy, and it can be but it isn't always. Even when you've planned it finding out you're going to have a baby can be absolutely terrifying. You are now responsible for another person for the rest of your life – however long that may be" she added quietly. "It can force thoughts into your head that you've been avoiding."

A glimmer of recognition passed through his eyes and he nodded. "Thank you" he said softly. "And thank you for being there for her."

She gave him an appreciative smile. "You're both pretty important to me Patrick and I want what is best for both of you – which is the two of you together. Just be patient, okay?"

"Okay."

Peeling himself off the wall he ambled down the hallway, turning into the stairwell. He climbed the six flights of stairs to the roof and pushed open the door. Walking to the far edge, he placed his hands on his head, closed his eyes and took a deep breath of the fresh air. It was very reminiscent of another visit he had made to the roof, almost a year earlier. His head then was as awash in a multiplicity of thoughts as it was now. Then, he had been worried about his exposure to HIV in a patient, now he was worried about the exposure of his heart. And hers.

He had made two realizations that day on the roof: one was that for three tiny letters, HIV certainly carried a lot of power. The second realization was that he wanted his mother. How ironic that those realizations were uppermost in his mind again.

Alexis had been careful not to reveal too much of what Robin had confided in her but had said enough for him to understand that her HIV was a big factor. She was so close to achieving so much of what she wanted and there came the virus, rearing its ugly head and reminding her that it could all be snatched away. He had an irrational, fiery hatred of the virus. He imagined her being consumed with worry about transmitting the virus to their child; statistical probability did little to lessen the concern. He understood that it wasn't so much the reality of passing it on but the mere knowledge that you could that would drive a person crazy. And then there was the toll the pregnancy could take on her. It was enough to make his head spin; no wonder it had her on the run.

_I wish there had been an option for you. _

God, what he would give to go back in time and give her what had been unavailable to her.

His thoughts drifted to his mother. What would she think of him being a father? How he wished she was around if only even to help him crack the secret code of women so he could be who and what his girlfriend needed. He often wondered if he would have treated women differently if his mother had not died when she did. It wasn't that he was mean or cruel but until Robin, he had been unable to see any upside to being a relationship. And now all he could see were the downsides to not being in one.

He was as unable to see the way forward now as he had been all those months ago after his exposure but he had something on his side now that he hadn't had then – knowledge. He knew that even if you didn't know where you were supposed to go, you at least keep putting one foot in front of the other until you do. And he had learned that in doing so, you eventually get where you need to be.

His phone vibrated softly in his pocket. Fishing it out, he flipped it open and saw a text message from Robin.

_Have an appt tomorrow with Kelly 10. Hope you will come. R. _

Deftly, he texted back. _You can count on me. _


	143. Chapter 150

**Chapter 150**

But fear surrounds me like a fence, I wanna break free

Robin stood outside the office door almost not quite believing she was there. It wasn't that she thought there was anything wrong with seeking help – professional help – she just always viewed it as something other people did.

It had been two sleepless nights since Patrick had left and each night she had lain awake waiting, searching for those joyful feelings she expected to come, now that she was pregnant. She was also looking for some kind of sign to call Patrick and tell him to come home but neither came and she was beginning to feel as though she might truly be dysfunctional.

Patrick's response to her text about the doctor's appointment had momentarily cheered her but then she felt herself sinking down again. After nearly a dozen failed attempt to call Mac she accepted that she was not yet ready to share the news or her feelings about it with him. Attempts to understand her feelings had been nothing but an exercise in frustration and she was left feeling as though she was trying to manoeuvre through a maze with no map or clues.

What she needed was some objectivity. And as she pushed the door open she hoped that would be what she found on the other side.

Hearing a light rap on her door, Lainey looked up from her desk and smiled. "Hey Robin."

"Have some time for a friend?" she asked nervously, twisting her purse strap in her hands.

Her friend waved her in. "Of course. I was surprised to see your name on my schedule but I'm glad you're here. What's going on?"

Closing the door behind her, Robin flopped on the couch and stared at her friend. "I think I might – just might – be going crazy" she joked weakly.

Giving her a curious look, Lainey joined her friend on the couch. "I sincerely doubt you're going crazy."

"I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant and I'm a wreck. I'm a wreck over something I have wanted for a very long time. I really think I might be crazy."

Surprised at the revelation, Lainey exhaled softly. "Wow," she smiled warmly. "Congratulations. How did Patrick take the news?"

Her eyes immediately filled with tears. "I asked him to leave" she replied hoarsely as she tucked her legs up underneath. "Told you I was crazy."

"Why did you ask him to leave?" she inquired gently.

Robin opened her mouth to answer, ready to repeat her lines about not wanting him to be with her out of obligation and how she knew he didn't want to be a parent but she found they wouldn't come. Instead she wiped at her eyes and shrugged.

"I don't know" she said, when she finally answered. "I just…I needed him to leave. I felt like I was going to suffocate."

"Was he too clingy? Being unreasonable?"

Robin violently shook her head. "No. God no. He was…he was great. He reacted exactly as you would hope someone would when a hole in a condom results in a baby. But…." Her voice trailed off and she let go of a breath. "But it made me feel like there was no air – like I was about to be swallowed up by something. But it makes no sense Lainey," she protested, her brown eyes blazing. "This is supposed to be one of the happiest times in my life."

"And it isn't."

Tears tumbled down her cheeks as she gratefully accepted a kleenex from her friend. "Not even close."

"How come?"

"I have no idea" she replied quickly, sniffling.

Leaning back against the couch Lainey gave her a sceptical look. "You must have some" she challenged.

"I don't know" she shrugged, balling the tissue in her hand. "It's just…it's been such a difficult time lately and I guess I was hoping for a little peace before another crisis hit-"

"Being pregnant is a crisis?"

Robin's head snapped up and she narrowed her eyes as she glared at her friend. "That's not what I said. Don't put words in my mouth."

Lainey did not react to her anger. "I didn't – you said another crisis. I assume you meant your pregnancy. Is there something else going on that feels like a crisis?"

Unfolding her legs, Robin got off the couch and started to pace around the sparsely furnished office. Her heart was hammering inside her chest and she could hear her blood coursing between her ears.

"It's all been a crisis – from the start!" she said suddenly. "Patrick's tumour, the radiation, the surgery, the memory loss and aphasia. We're barely through that hellfire and my protocol fails and then I spend two weeks living in my bathroom as my body fights my meds tooth and nail."

"Is your viral load still elevated?" she asked calmly.  
Robin shook her head as she sank down on to the arm of the couch. "It's back within the range it was before – not quite as low as it was but it's fine."

"Are you worried about mother to child transmission?"

Rolling her eyes in frustration, Robin gave a small shrug. "It's less than 2% in most cases. I know all the statistics Lainey, I could probably break them down by state for you."

She smiled at her friend's impatience. They had become good friends over the last few years and Lainey had come to admire Robin's passion and fight. As she listened to her talk and observed her behaviour, she was grateful that she had both in spades as she was going to need them.

"I sense a but"

"But someone has to be that 2%" she finished softly.

"And with your viral load being a little more in flux than you're used to, is it possible you're feeling that you might be that 2%?"

Several stray tears trickled from the corner of her eyes and Robin bit down on her lip to keep it from quivering. "Maybe" she whispered. Sucking in a breath, she shook her head in disbelief at the seeming mess her life had become. "And Patrick doesn't even have his all clear yet. His second HIV exposure in a year and we are still months away from knowing if he's clear."

Picking up her pen, Lainey jotted down several notes in her book. Closing the book she looked up at Robin. "Do you feel guilty about his exposure?"

"I didn't poke a hole in the condom" she snapped.

She simply arched her eyebrow. "I never suggested you did. I asked you how you feel, not what you did or didn't do. Do you feel guilty?"

Sliding from the arm of the couch, she started to pace again. Everything seemed like it was swirling around her and she was somehow caught in the middle of a vortex; she just wanted it to stop.

"I don't know."

"You can do better than that," she pushed.

"Lainey-"

"Robin. It's a simple question – how do you feel about it?"

"It's not simple," she snapped. "How the hell can you think it's simple? It's not a simple answer."

"How do you feel?" she repeated. Digging for feelings, real feelings, was like blowing off the dust, expecting to find the treasure only to discover you needed to go deeper, through hard rock, to get to it.

Spinning on her heel, she bit out, "I'm afraid."

"Of what?"

"What the hell do you want from me Lainey? I'm just looking for some advice."

Lainey shook her head. "No you aren't. If you wanted advice you would go to Kelly or Maxie or Mac or Brenda or Alexis but you wouldn't come to me – or at least you wouldn't book an appointment with me to get it. What you want – what you're really looking for is why you're feeling the way you are and how to make it stop. I can help you with that but you're going to have be honest – painfully honest – if we're going to get there."

Robin slid down the wall to the floor and pulled her legs against her chest. She was exhausted. The hormones played a factor but it felt more as though she had been carrying around a one ton weight and now was simply too tired to carry it any further. Her friend was right, she had come here for answers and solutions.

"What are you afraid of Robin?"

She pulled at the toe of her shoe. "That Patrick will hate me – that he'll hate me if he has HIV, he'll hate me for making him watch me die." There was no way to steam the flow of tears now and she left them fall down, oblivious to the wet patches they were making on her jean. "I'm afraid he'll hate me if our baby has HIV. I can…I can handle a lot of things Lainey but I could never – I could never handle him hating me."

A smile ghosted across Lainey's mouth as Robin finally lifted the lid on something she had been holding on to for a long time. It wasn't just her worry about infecting another person; it was the abject fear of destroying the relationship as a result.

"And so what do you want Robin?" she asked quietly, aware of how exhausted her friend was.

Looking up, her long brown hair framing her face, Robin inhaled sharply. "I want to stop being afraid, Lainey. I want to be with Patrick. I want to be a family with him."


	144. Chapter 151

**Chapter 151**

I'll find my way back to you

Each time the door to the waiting room opened, her head would snap up from the magazine she was absently flipping through. He had said he would come, that she could count on him but as she was discovering her ability to have faith in others when it came to her was shaky.

Emotionally spent after her session with Lainey, Robin was almost regretting having booked an appointment with Kelly for the same day. She was feeling vulnerable and a little unsteady on her feet leaving her unsure as to how seeing Patrick would affect her. Lainey had given her some exercises to work on, including writing down her feelings so she could acknowledge them and she also suggested that it would be better for both her and Patrick if they continued to live apart for the time being. She would need to tell him that and it was not a conversation to look forward to. Even with her breakthrough with Lainey she was not yet ready to repeat it to anyone else.

The door opened again and she swallowed down a sigh of relief as he came bustling through. He skidded to a stop in front of her and instinctively leaned in to kiss her before awkwardly pulling back. Shifting nervously from one foot to the other, he smiled shyly and sat down in the chair next to her.

"H-hi" he greeted her quietly.

"Hi" she answered, a small smile resting at the corners of her mouth.

"How are you?" they asked each other at the same time. As they both laughed, the tension was broken.

"How are you?" he repeated. "How are you feeling?"

Exhaling, Robin gave a weak smile in response. It was such a simple question but the answer was incredibly complex. "I'm okay" she finally replied. "I'm pretty tired but I'm okay. What about you?"

"I miss you" he told her softly. "I never realized how much I would hate sleeping alone." Seeing the look of regret flash through her eyes, he scrambled to amend his answer. "I'm not saying that to make you f-f-feel badly" he added. "I just…." His voice trailed off.

"I know" she nodded. "I miss you too."

They were quiet for several minutes, neither quite sure what to say next and both worried they would trip over the other's feelings. Robin felt herself drawn to him, balling her hand to stop herself from sliding it inside his and holding tightly. There was a heat and warmth radiating between them and both continued to drift towards the other.  
"Alan is letting me come back to work part time" he blurted. "So I'll be around here a few days a week."

Her eyes went wide with surprise and she smiled appreciatively. "That's great Patrick."

He nodded. "I'm not quite ready for the OR yet but…I only stutter a l-little now and I'm ready to be a doctor again. I'm not a patient any longer" he added quietly.

"I think your speech is amazing" she told him encouragingly. "I'm really proud of you."

Patrick opened his mouth to reply but was interrupted by the nurse telling them Kelly was ready to see them. Rising to his feet, Patrick hung back and let Robin walk ahead of him into the office. It took all of his willpower not to take her hand.

Kelly gave them a curious look as they clumsily tried to manoeuvre around each other. She flipped open the chart as they took their seats.

"You know, it's not everyone who can pinpoint the date of conception" she teased. Seeing the uncomfortable look on Robin's face she dropped the point. "I've reviewed your medications with Alan and we are comfortable keeping them as they are. None of them are known to have toxicity issues-"

"But it doesn't mean they don't," Robin interjected.

"That's true," Kelly agreed. "But based on the best information available we believe them to be of low risk to the fetus."

"What about going off for the first trimester?" she asked.

"Not a chance" Patrick snapped, causing both Kelly and Robin to look at him in shock. "You just changed protocols" he told her quietly, "and any interruption could lead to you developing resistance, you know that."

Exhaling, she nodded. "I know but maybe it's worth the risk-"

Patrick shook his head. "It isn't. It is n-not worth the risk to your l-l-long term health."

The two stared at each, again at a loss for words.

In an effort to break the stalemate, Kelly spoke up. "I agree with Patrick, discontinuation of your protocol would not be beneficial to you in the long run. We believe your medication to be as safe as is possible. Alan wants to start a course of AZT as well for the duration of the pregnancy to further reduce transmission risks."

Tucking her hair behind her ears, she nodded. "I have no problems with AZT, I tolerate it well."  
"Have you had much morning sickness yet?"

"No – nauseous yes but not actually sick."

"That's good," she smiled. "Don't tell the other pregnant women, they'll start giving you dirty looks" Robin smiled. "But if you start vomiting regularly, let me know because we'll want to monitor your meds and levels."

"Okay."

Handing her the prescription for AZT, Kelly smiled. "Good. So we'll see you back here in 8 weeks for your first check up. In between though if you have any problems or concerns call me."

"I will."

"And hey – congratulations you guys," she beamed, "I think this is great news!"

"Yeah," they answered simultaneously, neither quite convinced of it.

As she stood up, Patrick pulled Robin's chair out for her and followed her out of the office. Once in the hallway, he jammed his hands in his pockets and opened his mouth to speak before shutting it again. Never in his life had been as unsure as to what he should say or do as he was in this moment.

"Th-thanks for letting me come" he finally said.

Robin curled her hand around her purse strapped and nodded perfunctorily. "Of course, of course. I won't…I mean you're….I want you at the appointments." Her cheeks burned hotly as once easy conversations had become suddenly difficult.

A small, grateful smile crossed his lips. "Okay, thanks." Unsure of what else to say he slowly turned and started to walk away.

"Patrick!" Robin called.

With his back still to her, he closed his eyes in grateful relief before turning back. "Yes?"

"Can we…can we go some place and talk for a bit?"

Nodding eagerly he walked towards her. "Of course we can."

*****  
They had made a brief stop at Kelly's where Robin bemoaned that decaf tasted like Styrofoam. She laughed heartily when Patrick asked her how exactly she knew what Styrofoam tasted like. For a few short minutes it seemed like things were back to normal. It was only when they sat on the bench overlooking the water and she struggled with how to begin the conversation that the awkwardness descended around them again.

"I did what you suggested," she said, nervously fidgeting with the plastic lid on her drink, "I saw Lainey today."

Patrick's defences tumbled down as he smiled. "That's really good Robin. I'm…I'm proud of you."

Slightly embarrassed, she chewed on her bottom lip. "I have a few issues," she said quietly.

"Who doesn't?" he grinned. "But that's great that you're getting help." He wanted to pepper her with questions, find out what was driving her down the path she was on but he held back. He had to let her reveal it to him when she was ready.

Swallowing thickly, Robin stared at the water. "I….I remember when we came here after I went to my first group meeting. I…I promised you that you would never be second choice with me." Her eyes misted over as she turned to him. "And I want you to know that is still true. I know it may feel differently now-"

"Robin" he interjected.

She held up her hand. "Please let me finish. I know it may feel like you are second choice right now but I want you to know that…." She exhaled, "that everything I'm doing is so that I can…I can be in a place where I can be with you."

The pull to her was too great and the need to touch her too consuming; he reached for her hand and taking it in his, brought it to his lips and dropped a small kiss on it. "What can I do to help?"

She closed her eyes as the electricity from his touch coursed through her. The nearness of him sent her heart racing. "I need you to be patient" she told him.

"I will be as patient as you need to be" he told her softly, "like you were with me."

"Lainey…Lainey thinks it's better right now if we aren't living together – not while I sort through this. God I'm such a failure!" she exclaimed in frustration.

"Hey!" His tone was sharper than intended. "I wouldn't let someone else say that about you, I'm not going to let you say it either. Robin you are not a failure – not by any definition."

Smiling sheepishly, she tucked her leg underneath her. "It just feels like it sometimes."

Still holding on to her hand, he ran his thumb along the inside. "Can….Can I ask y-you something?"

"Of course."

"Do you…I mean you know that….do you believe me when I tell you that you and our baby are not an obligation to me? That I want to be with both of you?"

"I do." The liberation that her confirmation provided washed over his face. "I was…I was wrong to say that to you and I'm sorry."

Patrick shook his head. "I don't need an apology" he told her quickly. "I just need to know that you know that."

"I really do" she reassured him. "And our baby and I are very, very lucky."

Several stray tears trickled down her face and she smiled as Patrick swiped them away. His gentleness and his compassion only drove home her fears about him hating her. Suddenly overcome with a need to be alone, she sprang to her feet.

"I have to go"

"Would you l-like me to walk you?"

She shook her head. "No, I'll be okay." Without thinking, she leaned in and pressed a lingering kiss to his cheek. "Thank you for today" she whispered, "and for not giving up on me."

He nodded as she headed for the stairs. He touched his cheek where her lips had just been and swore her kiss was burned to his skin. "Robin!" he called out suddenly.

At the top of the stairs she turned around. "Yes?"

"I love you"


	145. Chapter 152

**Chapter 152**

You'll be all right, I'm on your side

Pulling open the door to his apartment and seeing his son standing on the other side Noah could not help but smile. Regardless of his reason for being there, he was just pleased that he continued to stop by and that they continued to forge a relationship.

"Hey sport," he greeted him casually.

Patrick gave a half smile. "Hey. Do you have some time?"

"Of course" he told him, stepping out of the way to allow him in. Closing the door, he turned to his son and looked at him with surprise. "Your speech….it's…it's more fluid."

Patrick nodded as he nervously jammed his hands in his pockets. "Yeah. It just kind of came back. I still stutter a little, especially as I get tired but for all intents and purposes, it's back."

Noah rubbed his hands on his jeans. "That's wonderful Patrick. I'm so pleased for you!"

"Thanks." He let out a breath as he flopped on to his father's couch. "I have news," he told him quietly. The look of panic that swept across his father's face did not escape his notice and he was reminded yet again of the toll his illness had taken on everyone. "It's good news," he amended.

Sitting down, Noah smiled uneasily. "What is it?"

"Robin is pregnant."

His mouth dropped open in shock. It was several moments before he was able to speak. "You're going to be a father" he observed quietly. "Welcome to the club."

He nodded. "Thanks. It's a little complicated right now but I'm happy – I didn't think I would be but I am."

Raising an eyebrow, Noah gave him a questioning look. "What do you mean complicated? Is everything okay with Robin's health?" He paused, feeling his heart rate rise. "With yours?" he added nervously.

"We're both healthy" he reassured him. "It's just being pregnant has stirred up a lot of feelings in Robin and she's having some trouble sorting through them. I've moved into Eric's place to give her some space."

"You broke up?"

Patrick violently shook his head. "No. No we didn't. She loves me and she knows I love her. She just…she needs room to breathe and so I'm giving it to her."

Noah felt a sense of fatherly pride as he listened to his son. He had matured into an amazing young man and though he took little credit for that maturity it did not diminish his appreciation of it.

"You are a good man, sport."

Shrugging non-chalantly, he picked at the invisible lint on his jeans. "I don't know about that. I just know that I love her and I want to be a family with her so if she needs time and space, that's what I'll give her."

"And how do you feel about fatherhood? Are you scared yet?"

Patrick smirked. "Not a single panic attack yet. I'm actually k-k-kind of zen about it. I don't know if it's because it hasn't hit me yet or because I really am okay with it."

"Don't worry," Noah teased, "you have decades of panic attacks ahead of you."

"Thanks so much" he grinned. "Jerk."

"Hey, who knows – maybe your child won't want to continually blow things up. Or knock them down. Or climb on to rooftops and pretend they're Tarzan."

Chuckling, Patrick shook his head. "You consider this some kind of karmic payback, don't you?"

Noah's head bobbed up and down. "Yup, pretty much." Pulling his glasses from his face, he looked seriously at his son. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Patrick ran his hands over his face and exhaled. "I really am," he confirmed. "It's not happening exactly as I would like it to but I'm okay. And when Robin is ready, then I'll be back to collect her ring from you."

Noah smiled lovingly at his son. "I look forward to giving it to you." Noah paused and a sudden realization dawned. Scrambling quickly to his feet, he headed for the bedroom.

"Dad?"

"I'll be right back," he called.

Patrick scrunched his face up in confusion and glanced sceptically at his father as he returned holding a shoe box. Crossing the room, Noah sat down beside him on the couch, placing the box on his lap. Easing the lid off, he rifled through a small collection of papers and clippings until he pulled out three envelopes.

Immediately recognizing his mother's distinctive and precise handwriting, Patrick gasped. "Wh-wh-what is that?" he asked, feeling a lump form in his throat.

"I, uh….I found this in the basement at the Hamptons. I had completely forgotten about it."

"When you found the bottle?"

He had not forgotten that night when he had come in to the kitchen to see his father staring at an unopened bottle of bourbon. It had been a watershed moment in many ways but also a reminder of how tenuous things could be.

"Yes," Noah whispered. "I found three letters from your mother. Two of them are for you for milestone moments."

Patrick kept his gaze on the envelopes with their slightly yellowed corners. "Is the third one for you?"

"No," Noah smiled. "It's for Robin."

Snapping his head up, Patrick made a face. "What do you mean it's for Robin?"

"Look at them" he said, gently placing them in his hands.

Patrick looked down and sucked in a breath as he read the front of all three envelopes.

_For my son on his wedding day_

For my son on becoming a parent

For my daughter-in-law

Noah took two of the envelopes back, leaving him the one about becoming a parent. "You probably aren't getting these in the order she intended," he teased lightly, but that will be our little secret."

"I had no idea" His voice was quiet as he continued to stare almost wondrously at the letter.

"Neither did I" he admitted. "I'll hold on to the other two and hand them over when it's time." Noah carefully placed them back in the box.

"I…uh…I'm n-not sure I'm ready to read it" he said, his heart thumping loudly against his ribs.

Noah put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You don't have to read it just yet. You'll know when you're ready."

With damp eyes, he tilted his head to the side and smiled at his father. "Thanks Dad."

****  
"Sweetheart!" Mac enveloped Robin in a warm hug as she came through the door. Pulling back he studied her face carefully and was disquieted to see dark circles under her eyes. "What's wrong?"

Robin smiled weakly. "Can't a niece just swing by for a little quality time with her favourite uncle?"

Leading her to the couch, he nodded. "Of course a niece can. I just don't happen to think that's why you're here. Is it Patrick? Is something wrong? Is it your health?"

There was a part of Robin that would forever regret the anxiety her health status had created in Mac for all these years. He had been unfailing in his support of her and had seen her through some of the most difficult times imaginable; as a result she knew he lived with a permanent worry of when the other shoe was going to drop.

She reassuringly placed her hand over his. "I have some news for you, that I think you will think is good."

"Oh?" he asked cautiously.

She inhaled sharply and wrung her hands together. "I'm pregnant," she said softly, amazed at the tears that suddenly appeared. "I'm going to have a baby."

The realization of a dream that had been long thought to be out of reach for his niece took his breath away. Mac's eyes dampened and he gathered her in his arms and hugged her tightly.

"I love you" he whispered as he kissed her cheek. "And I am so very happy for you."

Robin gently pulled away from his embrace, smiling shyly. "It's kind of hard to get my head around it."

"I'll bet," he agreed. "Is Patrick happy too?"

A small look of regret crossed her face. "He is. He's been great."

Nothing escaped Mac's attention and his eyebrows shot up questioningly. "What is it?"

"I…we….I've asked him to move out for a bit."

"Why? Did he do something to-"

Holding up her hands, Robin interjected. "No. He did nothing to upset me. If anyone upset anyone here it was me upsetting him."

"I don't understand."

With a wry smile, she nodded. "You aren't the only one. I just…it's…" Blowing out her cheeks, she sighed heavily. "I'm just trying to work through some things and it's easier for me if he isn't there."

Mac's heart skipped a few beats as he tried to maintain his composure. The mere thought of his niece struggling in any way pushed him to the edge. He wanted to protect from any kind of hurt or disappointment.

"What kind of things?"

"I'm not quite ready to talk about it just yet. But I…I've started seeing Lainey."

Cupping her cheek, Mac placed a kiss on her forehead. "I'm proud of you Robin. And I'm here to listen whenever you are ready."

"Thank you" she replied hoarsely. "So, do you think you're ready to be a Great Uncle?" she asked more lightly.

Mac grinned broadly. "Damn straight I am. Robin, I have wanted this for you for so long. I have watched you fight gracefully and valiantly and refused to be held back by anything. And I have seen, year after year, new options and more hope become available to you than we ever thought could have been possible a decade a go. You believed – you always believed – that there was a lot of life for you to live and it seems the rest of the world is now catching up to you. And now," he blinked away several surprising tears, "you are going to be a mother. There is no child on earth that will be as blessed as yours."

Her top lip quivered and she inhaled sharply. "I don't know about that Uncle Mac, I'm not sure there is a child on earth as blessed I have been. I've had you to raise me and love me and care for me. I'm not sure there are greater blessings than that."

Throwing her arms around her uncle, she hugged him. "I'm not sure I've said it, but thank you for always being here for me."

"I can't wait to meet the next generation of Scorpios" he told her proudly.

*****  
Seeing Eric engrossed in looking at photos, as he came through the door, Patrick snuck up behind him.

"Looking at nudie photos again, Smitty?"

Eric jumped in surprise and quickly turned the photos face down. "Do that again and I'm going to make you wear a bell," he joked.

Intrigued by his friend's sudden desire to hide the photos, Patrick reached over his shoulder and snatched them from his hand.

"Hey!" Eric protested.

Patrick quickly flipped through the photos and with a quizzical look on his face, handed them back. "Who is the baby? Are you an uncle again?"

"No" he answered tightly. Taking the photos, he placed them back in an envelope.

"Then who is the baby?"

"It's just a friend's baby" he demurred, rising up from the couch.

Patrick sank on to the arm of the couch and folded his arms across his chest. "You don't have that many friends and I know them all. Whose baby is that?" Getting no response, Patrick tilted his head to the side, "Smitty?"

"It's Karen's baby" he said quietly. "She had a little girl, Cassandra and thought I might want to see the photos."

"Fucking bitch" he swore.

His blue eyes narrowed angrily and he glared at his friend. "That's enough."

"Jesus. How can you still stick up for her? She didn't think you wanted to see the photos – she wanted to torture you. You're a reminder of how when it really mattered she quit and walked away and it eats at her. And so to make herself feel better she goes for your Achilles heel."

"I don't need you slagging her off," he snapped. "She did what she felt she had to do-"

"Snap out of it Smitty!" Patrick bit out. "Her love for you ran pretty shallow if she left you at the first sign of trouble. That's not what real love is. You don't owe her anything."

"Nice to know that in the 72 hours since discovering you're going to be a father that you've suddenly become some kind of relationship expert"

Patrick exhaled. "Dude – I didn't even think…I'm…"

Eric shook his head. "Look, I'm happy for you okay? And I'm happy for Karen and she wanted to send me some pictures. Don't make a fucking federal case out of it."

"Smitty I'm sorry."

Eric held up his hand. "Pantsy it's fine – I just…I don't need you to fight battles for me, okay? Especially ones that don't actually exist."

"Okay," he agreed quietly. "Want to grab some dinner?"

He shook his head. "No. I'm going back to the hospital. I'll catch you later."

Patrick watched him as he left and felt a tightness in his chest. He and Eric had always just got each other and frank, honest and sometimes brutal conversation had been a cornerstone of their friendship. It was becoming clearer to him though that having spent the last few months wrapped up in himself, he had no idea what was going on in his friend's head.

Sliding on to the couch, he reached into his pocket and pulled out the letter. He traced his finger over his mother's writing and sighed quietly. He hoped his father was right. He hoped it was true that he would know when he was ready to read it because he had little doubt that he was going to need all the guidance he could get in the coming months.


	146. Chapter 153

**Chapter 153**

And I'm wound up small and tight

Lainey sat quietly and watched as Robin combed her fingers through her hair pulling her hair over her face. It was their third session together and like many patients digging through old memories she was doing her best to try and shrink from them or alternately build up walls to steel themselves for the inevitable pain of the reveal. She could see Robin trying to out think herself, get ahead of what was coming so as to control it and she could see her frustration rising as she was unable to do so.

"Let's talk about Patrick," she suggested quietly. "Why do you think he could hate you?"

Robin rolled her eyes. "Well I don't think he'll throw me a parade if he tests positive" she snarked, "or our baby does."

"But hate is a very visceral word. It implies loathing - it's a long road from being madly in love with you to hating you."

Sighing heavily, Robin pushed her hair from her face. "He will blame me" she said, sinking back into the couch. "And he would be right to do so. I exposed him to this."

Cocking her head to the side Lainey tapped her pen against her lips. "Do you think it's right that he would blame you? After all, you've always been upfront about your health status and he was willingly and with full information entered into a sexual relationship with you. How would you be deserving of blame?"

"Being informed is cold comfort as you have to swallow down pills hoping they continue to keep the virus at bay. Being willing, when you think it can't really happen to you, is easy. Realizing there is a hole in the condom is a whole different story."

Lainey inhaled quietly as she ventured forth into an area that she knew would provoke a strong reaction in her patient. "Do you blame Stone for infecting you?"

Her head snapped up, her mouth was pulled tight in a grim line and her brown eyes blazed furiously at her friend. "Shut up" she hissed.

Unfazed, Lainey pressed on. "Do you, Robin? Do you hold him responsible? Do you hate him for infecting you?"

"No," she rasped. "I could never hate him."

"Then why would Patrick hate you?"

With adrenaline coursing through her body, Robin jumped to her feet and started to pace."You don't understand."

"So explain it to me."

Robin continued to pace, saying nothing, under Lainey's watchful eye. Her heart was thundering in her chest and her hands were clammy as she rubbed them together. This was unchartered territory. No one had ever asked her about Stone in that way - they wouldn't dare. It occured to her that some of her friends and family might actually feel that way about Stone, that they might hold him responsible for her being infected, but they had never voiced that to her.

"We didn't know Stone was infected when we slept together."

"So in other words, you didn't have as much knowledge as Patrick does. And with all the knowledge that Patrick has, he still chooses to be with you. So why do you think that will end with him hating you should he or the baby test positive?"

Exasperated, Robin slammed her hands against her thighs. "Because!" she shouted, "Because he has seen what living with this is like - even under the best of circumstances - and how could he NOT hate me for putting him through it or worse - putting our child through it? Living with HIV is hard - some days it feels unbelievably hard and there isn't a single person - not one - who would willingly sign up for this. Knowing that I can give this to another person is enough to make me want to go bed and pull the covers over my head some days."

Exhausted from her outburst, she flopped on to the couch and tiredly rubbed her hands over her face. Giving her a few moments to collect herself, Lainey got to her feet and retreived a bottle of water from the tiny fridge in the far corner of the office. Walking to where Robin was sitting, she handed it to her. Robin smiled weakly, gratefully accepting the proferred bottle. Lainey returned to her chair and picked up her notebook.

"Robin, do you feel that you deserve to be in love?"

Looking at her sideways, she rolled her eyes. "That's a stupid question."

With a small shake of her head, Lainey disagreed. "No it isn't."

"Yes it is," Robin protested. "You're asking me to tell you that having HIV somehow makes me feel inferior, that before Patrick came along I had accepted that love and marriage and children weren't likely going to happen for me. That somehow I had convinced myself that having HIV has made me not as worthy of those things as other people - that I'm less loveable or less attractive. And that's just stupid."

"Is it stupid because it's true?"

"No" she answered quietly. Meeting Lainey's eyes, she shrugged. "Maybe."

"And so here you are on the verge of having everything you never thought you would have and so the fear of having it taken from you is forcing you to push him away. Your fear of infecting him or your child has you convinced that he will hate you when you know it isn't true. But what is true is that you would hate yourself if that happened."

Blowing out her cheeks, she tipped her head on the back of the couch. "I hate this." Her voice was small and tired.

"I know," Lainey told her, "but it is going to pay off - I promise."

Lifting her head slightly, she shot her friend a sceptical look. "Really?"

Smiling reassuringly, she nodded. "Look Robin, this is hard work and there is no way around it. But once you can vocalize what your fears are then you can work on facing them, dealing with them and living the life that you want. How can you stop being afraid of something if you don't know what it is that you're afraid of?"

Robin chuckled lightly. "You're pretty annoying, you know that?"

She laughed. "In fact I do and it's why people pay me the big bucks." Looking at her watch and seeing the time, she looked back at her. "Time's up."

"Thank God" Robin sighed. Getting to her feet, she reached for her purse.

"I'd like to see you again at the end of the week," she told her. "But if you have any problems or worries before then, give me a call."

"Okay, thanks."

It took all of her self control not to bolt for the door. Her friend was an excellent doctor and was very deft at pushing her harder than she wanted to be pushed and forcing her to look at things she had not considered. But by the end of any session she was ready to get as far away from her office as possible. Shuffling down the hall, all she wanted to do was get inside her lab, close the door and get lost in her work - anything to make her mind focus on something other than what was left swirling in her brain after her session.

*****  
Almost an hour after her appointment she was staring at the same slide under the microscope she been looking at since she had got to her lab. Her mind was alternately racing and drifting and she couldn't think straight. Everything seemed so difficult all of a sudden, as though she was trying to walk through wet cement. Leaning back in her chair, she picked up a book and hurled it across the room in frustration.

"What did that p-poor book ever do to you?"

Startled, she looked over at the door and sucked in a breath as she saw Patrick filling the doorframe. He was dressed in charcol grey slack, a light blue shirt and had his crisp white lab coat over top. He looked every inch the dashing doctor she had met nearly two years ago and it sent her blood pressure racing.

"Hi" she greeted him shyly. "It's good to see you back working."

Her tired expression did not escape his notice and as he crossed the threshold he closed the door behind him. "You okay?" he asked.

They talked almost daily on the phone and she had taken to swinging by his apartment and asking if he wanted to go for a walk. She had yet to tell him anything from her sessions - she was simply not ready - but was comforted just by being with him. They kissed a little and held hands a lot and Patrick made it very clear that anything beyond that was up to her. Not feeling as if she could go there with him without sending mixed messages to him and to herself, she had asked yet again for his patience. He had given it readily but she was also aware there would be a limit to how long he would wait for her.

"Just had a long appointment with Lainey" she answered quietly.

"Oh." Reaching out his hand to her, he becokened her to come to him.

Chewing on her bottom lip she sat still in her chair for several beats. She was feeling incredibly vulnerable and did not want to do anything to exacerbate that but looking at him, his strong shoulders filling out the coat, and his brown eyes filled with love, she could not resist. Sliding from her chair she scrambled to her feet and practically ran into his waiting arms.

He kissed her temple as his arms closed around her. "I am so proud of you" he whispered. "And our baby is lucky to have a mom like you."

"I don't know about that," she mumbled against his chest.

"I do." He smiled into her hair as he felt her squeeze him tighter. He missed her - more than he thought possible and being patient was not a natural state for him. But every time he was sure he was nearing his limit, he would remind himself of how she had given him everything he needed when he was running scared and vowed to do the same. "Would you...would you like to go out on a date?"

Lifting her head, she looked up at him in amusement. "A date?"

He nodded. "Yeah, a date. Like dinner and a movie?"

Taking a breath, Robin smiled. Just being in his arms had quieted the raging battle in her head and reminded her of just how much she was loved. "I'd like that," she told him, "but can we make it scary movie?"

Patrick furrowed his brow. "Since when do you like scary movies?"

She grinned. "I don't really but I do like being able to burrow in next to you and have you protect me from the scariness."

Patrick hugged her again and pressed his lips to her cheek. "I will always protect you."


	147. Chapter 154

**Chapter 154**

Waiting on the world to change

Taking a swig of his beer, Patrick leaned on his cue as his friend lined up a shot. "One of these days I am going to beat you, you know" he told him, rattling Eric's cue as he took his shot.

Growling at the miss, the young doctor turned around and frowned at his friend. "Only if you cheat Pantsy."

Setting his beer bottle on the table, he stepped to the table and looked at the placement of the balls. "Just trying to keep you on your toes, Smitty."

"So, how do you feel being back at work?"

Patrick shrugged as he leaned over the table. "Good. No major epiphanies as to my higher purpose and I'm itching to get back in the OR but it's nice just to be productive again."

"Don't overdo it"

Quirking his eyebrow, Patrick looked over his shoulder and smirked at his friend. "Yes nanny, thank you."

Eric rolled his eyes and watched as his friend pulled back his cue to shoot, seizing the opportunity, he banged the end of the stick and smiled as the ball went far off target.

"Whoopsies" he grinned.

"Your ego just can't cope with me beating you" Patrick remarked as he ceded the table to Eric.

"If you're going to run with the big dogs you're going to need a stronger bite." He examined the table before choosing his angle.

"Whatever" he sniffed. "My girlfriend can still beat you with one hand tied behind her back."

"So brave" Eric teased, "sending his five foot girlfriend to beat me at pool." Smiling as the ball clanged into the pocket, he lined up his next shot. "And how is it going with your girlfriend?"

Patrick was quiet for a moment as he took a drink from his beer. How it was going was all relative. He wished there was more he could do for her, that there was some way he could help ease her burden but Robin had been very clear that there wasn't. Over the course of a year he had gone from not wanting to get involved in other people's issues to being frustrated at not being able to help. A small smile crossed his lips and he shook his head at how much had changed.

"We're going to be okay" he stated confidently when he finally spoke. "We're going to be a family together."

Eric gave him a curious look. "Okay but that's the future. What about now? It can't be easy to have your relationship on hold."

He shook his head. "It isn't. I hate it. As much as I like reliving our glory days as roommates, I would rather be living with her. But if we're going to m-m-make it long term then I need to let her do this her way."

"And that's what you want? To make it long term?"

He narrowed his eyes and frowned. "You doubt me?"

"No, not at all" he told him quietly. "I guess I was just wondering if things were different for you since regaining your memory and speech."

Patrick nodded. "They are. They're clearer. I…I know I said I didn't really want to be a father but the minute I found out she was pregnant it was like doors to a whole other room opened up and I realized that I did want it – but with her. And that's why I'll wait for as long as she needs me to."

"That's awesome Pantsy. I'm happy for you."

He smiled somewhat shyly. "Th-thanks. I've also decided not to put everything on hold."

As Eric took another shot, he straightened up and raised his eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"I…uh….I'm going to buy a house."

Choking on his beer, Eric swiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Pardon?"

"A house. I'm going to buy one."

His friend blinked several times in disbelief. "Dude. That's rather sudden."

Patrick shook his head. "No, it isn't."

He thought back to his will and the phone calls he had made trying to secure the house Robin had loved. Their discussions about buying a house had been derailed by her pregnancy but he had still held firm to the idea.

"What about Robin?"

Patrick stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Robin is going to be ready one day soon – ready for us to have a life together so while she's working on what she needs, I'm going to work on getting things in place."

"Have you…have you found a place?"

He nodded. "Yup. I'm putting on offer on it this week and we'll go from there."

"Does she know?"

"Not yet."

Eric let out a low whistle. "You're a brave soul."

Patrick made a face. "Not really. Look I need a place to live and there isn't any reason why I shouldn't buy this place."

"Wow. It's like a whole new Pantsy," he teased. "Your shot" he nodded towards the table.

"Not new" he corrected, "Just better." Bending down, he cast a quick glance at his friend. "So I hear Josh is improving every day."

Eric looked at him warily. "Yeah. Vitals are stronger, his physio is going well and cognitive function seems to be good. He'll be good to be released in another week or two."

The white ball smacked with perfect precision against the red ball and Patrick smiled at his shot as he stood up. "To foster care?"

"Yeah."

"Have you…did you ever think about fostering him?"

"Single men don't get to be foster parents."

"What about you and Alexis? You could foster him togeth-"

"No we couldn't" he interjected tightly. "She has a family of her own already and doesn't need a high maintenance kid thrown into the mix. Besides which, we're just dating, it's not like we have a long term commitment with each other."

Furrowing his brow, Patrick leaned against the pool table. "So you haven't even raised it with her?"

Eric drained his beer. "Why would I?"

"Because I think this is something you might actually want," he observed. "I think you want to take Josh in and I think you want a l-l-long term commitment with Alexis and for some reason you're acting like neither is possible."

"I think I liked the less improved Pantsy" Eric snarked.

"S-s-smitty-"

The residual stutter was still like a knife to the heart of the young doctor; a lasting reminder that he was not as brilliant as he needed to be when it mattered. "Just leave it alone Patrick," he warned. "Concentrate on your shit and I'll concentrate on mine, okay?"

Patrick shrugged and returned to his shot. He would leave it alone, for now but not forever. His mind drifted to the house he was going to buy and the hope for the future it represented.

****  
Robin laughed heartily as Molly gave her a big, wet kiss with chocolate sauce smeared on her lips.

Shaking her head, Alexis reached for a napkin to wipe her daughter's face. "Things to look forward to Robin – never having a clean piece of furniture again."

Her hand resting on her stomach, she smiled. "I'm kind of looking forward to it." Lainey was proving to be right about the sessions paying off. While there was still much for her to work through she was at least, for the most part, able to think about her pregnancy without being thrown in to a full scale panic.

As she finished cleaning up Molly's face, Alexis grinned. "Your Auntie Robin is silly Mols, thinking chocolate smeared faces and cheerio covered couches are where it's at."

Molly's brown eyes danced as she looked between her mother and Robin. "Silly" she parroted. "Very silly."

Scooping the young girl in her arms, Robin hugged her tightly. "You're the silly one, monkey face."

Molly kissed her again before wriggling from her embrace and darting off to the playroom to join her sister. With a wistful look on her face Robin watched her run and wished there was somehow a way to shortcut through the difficult stuff and move straight to the good moments. She could see Patrick and her and their child together – having dinner, playing games, watching movies – and she knew that was what she wanted with every fibre of her being. The difficulty was in getting it.

"How are you feeling?" Alexis asked, tossing the napkin on to the tray.

With Eric going out for the evening with Patrick, she had thought it a great opportunity to invite Robin for dinner and check in with her. Through the course of Patrick's illness, their friendship had become stronger and as someone with not a lot of female friends in her life, Alexis had come to value it very much.

Robin smiled as she answered. "You know, sometimes it's the easiest questions that have the hardest answers."

"I do know," she chuckled. "How's the morning sickness?"

"Not too bad actually. I'm nauseous but I haven't been sick" She knocked on the table. "Though I am exhausted."

"Butt kicking hormones," she told her. "In the first trimester with Kristina, I would be so tired by the time I drove home from the office, I would take a 10 minute nap in my car just to recoup the energy to go inside."

Robin laughed. "Oh thank god it isn't just me. There are some days, after brushing my teeth, where I think I need to go back to bed for an hour."

"It all works out in the second trimester though, I had a ton of energy. Until I got too big to move and feared I would never see my feet again."

"I hope Patrick will still love me when I'm as big as a house," she paused. "Or when I finally get my act together."  
"How is it going with Patrick?" she prodded gently.

Robin could not help but smile. "He is being so good Alexis. He is patient beyond belief with me and is trying really hard to give me all the space I need."

Cocking her head to the side, she gave her a curious look. "Why do you sound sad when you say that?"

Robin shrugged. "I don't know….well…I guess I'm just worried it's going to take me so long to get to where I can be with him without…without…without all my baggage, that by the time I do get there he will have given up on me."

"Not possible" she answered.

"Alexis-"

"I'm serious Robin. That boy is so far gone for you and wants to be with you so badly that he would wait a lifetime. And if you doubt that then maybe you need to re-read the letter her wrote you before his surgery."

Letting out a long, slow breath, she nodded in agreement. "You're right. It's just…it's just hard knowing that this is not exactly the typical beginning of a pregnancy."

"Yeah, well you and Patrick have never been typical, so why start now?"

Covering her mouth with her hand, Robin laughed. "That's so true!"

Leaning forward, Alexis put her hand on Robin's arms. "Robin, trust me when I tell you that a love like what the two of you share is made to withstand any test. What's most important is that you are healthy and in a place where you can appreciate it and accept it."

"Thank you." Reaching for the cup of tea on the table, she took a long drink. "How are things with Eric?" Seeing the pained look cross through Alexis' face, Robin grimaced. "Uh-oh, what happened?"

She shook her head. "I don't know. I mean, we still get along great and I love him very much but it feels like he is pulling away from me."

"Do you think he's not in love with you?"

"No, it's not that. It's hard to explain. It just feels like he's shutting down parts of himself and so I'm not getting all of him, just little pieces. I've tried to talk to him about it but he just clams up."

"Alexis, I'm so sorry."

She smiled sadly. "Me too. Because I really think that he and I are a good match and have serious long term potential. The girls adore him and he is really, really good with them but he's struggling and won't tell me with what."

Robin smirked. "He sounds like me a little. Sometimes when you're trying to fight your way through something it's easier to shut out everything else until you find the solution."

"Well I hope he finds the solution soon," she offered. "Because I'm not sure what will happen if he doesn't."

"I am sure he will" she told her.

Alexis raised her eyebrow. "You sound very confident"

Robin touched the claddagh nestled against her throat and nodded. "I am. A change is coming Alexis for all of us, I am sure of it."


	148. Chapter 155

**Chapter 155**

My life with you means everything  
So I won't give up that easily

Nervously rubbing his hands on his jeans before pulling open the door Patrick greeted Robin with a lazy smile, his dimple in full evidence.

"You're late" he told her amusedly. "I hope you have a good excuse – I've been slaving over a hot stove for hours!"

Grinning as she rolled her eyes, Robin brushed past him and dropped her purse on a chair. "Slaving, huh? Or did you order take out?"

Closing the door behind her, he stuck his bottom lip out in a mock pout. "Don't be scoffing at the skill level required to order take out – choosing just the right main courses and side dishes – and then keeping it all warm enough when Princess doesn't quite get here on time."

Laughing, Robin covered her mouth with her hand. "Princess? If I were really a princess, I would make you carry me everywhere-"

She let out a small yelp as Patrick scooped her up in his arms. "Where do you want to go?" he asked throatily.

"Wherever you want to take me" she replied hoarsely, staring into his eyes.

Patrick gently closed his mouth over hers, sweeping his tongue inside the velvety softness of her mouth; she moaned as their tongues tangled together. He carried her to the couch and gently laid her underneath him, his mouth still fastened to hers. Her hands flew to his hair and threaded through as she drew him closer to her. She loved the feel of his body on top of hers, the security of being practically enveloped by him. As his lips moved to her neck, she sighed happily and ghosted a kiss across his cheek. She could feel the beginnings of his arousal press against her and she gave a small, regretful smile as he reluctantly pulled away.

"I'm sorry" she told him.

Rolling off of her but laying by her side, Patrick stroked her cheek with the back of his fingers. "Don't apologize"

"I just… I don't want you to think I don't want to," she told him earnestly, rolling her body towards him. "Because I do. Patrick, you are incredibly sexy to me and you make me feel amazing-"

"But you're just not there right now. It's okay Robin – I do get it."

"I wish you didn't have to" she sighed. "I hate…I hate that I'm suddenly swimming in issues that are getting in the way of us being together."

He shrugged lightly. "I was swimming in issues not so long ago and you waited for me – hell, you came and got me. I can and I will wait."

She smiled warmly at him, draping her hand over his hip. "Have I mentioned I love you?"

"Yes," he grinned. "But it's always n-nice to hear."

"I do, very much. I don't want you to doubt that."

"I don't" he told her quietly. "Robin, do I wish that were living together right now and I was going to sleep with you in my arms every night, I do. But this is a small sacrifice to make for us to be in a place where….where we can plan for a f-f-future."

Her eyes widened in surprise. "You're still thinking like that?"

Patrick did a small double take at her answer. "Of course I am. My feelings for you haven't changed."

"I just wish I wasn't so messed up."

"Hey" he rebuked her gently, "that's the mother of my child you're talking about."

"Why are you not freaking out?" she asked as she shimmied closer to him.

As they lay side by side on the couch, Patrick's arm went around her waist and he softly stroked her back.

"Who says I'm not?" he asked.

"But…but we never talk about it."

"How can we?" he queried with a sly grin on his face, "Your freakout is bigger and as you keep telling me, size matters."

Robin screamed with laughter and playfully slapped his arm. "You're bad."

Patrick waggled his eyebrows. "Yes. Yes I am." Dipping his head, he kissed her again, running his tongue along the seam of her lips.

Breaking the kiss, Robin snuggled in close to him, sweeping her hand across his chest. "We could talk about it, you know."

"We could" he agreed, "and we will. But right now I don't want to w-w-worry about issues or f-f-freakouts. I j-just want to b-be with you."

He hand moved to her flat, taut stomach and he wondrously rubbed it. He was almost overwhelmed at the idea that their child was nestled inside and growing every day.

She trailed her fingertips along his brow and pressed a kiss to his lips. "You were stuttering quite a lot there," she observed quietly.

The apples of his cheeks flushed in slight embarrassment. He hated stuttering; he loathed not being able to get his words out seamlessly and effortlessly. And while he was the first to recognize that he had come a long way from needing to write down almost every thing he said, he would not be satisfied until he no longer tripped over the words trapped in his mouth.

"It was a long day," he told her. "I saw six patients today and I find that as my fatigue increases so does my incoherence."

Robin sat up and fixed him with a look. "The father of my baby is not incoherent," she stated, smiling. "He is brave and courageous and patient."

"I like you feisty." He nipped her lips.

"Listen, Patrick if you're tired and you need to rest we can do this another night. We don't have to-"

Pressing a finger to her lips, he silenced her. "Yes w-we do. I'm n-not giving up a chance to spend a night with y-you. Besides," he added, "I rented three of the s-s-scariest movies I could find. I plan to have you in m-my arms before the first one is done."

Cupping the back of his head, she drew Patrick to her and softly but passionately kissed him. "I'm already in your arms" she said quietly, "and I have no plans of leaving."

****  
Propped up in bed reading, Alexis looked up in surprise and found Eric filling her door frame. Dressed in scrubs, he kept his eyes on her as he came through and closed the door behind him. He pulled his top from his body and tossed it to the side.

"Hi" He greeted her with a smile as he pulled on the drawstring of his scrubs pants and let them fall to the floor.

Alexis closed her book and placed it on the nightstand. They had exchanged keys early on and while it was not unusual for him to use his, he had not done so in almost two weeks.

"Hi," she replied tentatively.

Clad only in his boxers, he pulled the covers back and climbed on top of her. He seized her mouth in a long, passionate kiss. She cupped his face, returning his kiss with equal alacrity. She wanted to get lost in him but knew at the same time that she could no longer delay the conversation they needed to have any longer.

Letting go of her lips, he placed a trail of small, wet kisses along her collar bone.

"Eric,"

"Mmm" he moaned, as he worked his tongue in the hollow of her throat. "I have been thinking about you all day."

"Eric, we need to talk" she persisted.

"What I have in mind" he told her between kisses, "is so much better than talking."

"Eric, I'm serious."

The tone in her voice gave him pause and he raised his head, searching her face. "Are you okay?"

She nodded. "I'm fine."

"The girls? Are the girls okay?"

"We're all fine" she reassured him, touched at his concern. "I want to talk about you."

"Me?"

She bit her bottom lip. "Well you and Josh."

With a groan, Eric rolled away from her and sat up in bed. "You know, it would be easier if you would just record your lecture and upload it to my ipod, then I could listen at will."

"Hey!" she snapped. "That's unnecessary."

With a heavy sigh, he looked at her unapologetically. "Then what do you want to discuss?"

"How is he doing?" she began carefully.

"Getting stronger every day" he replied tightly.

"So he'll be put into foster care soon then?" He nodded. "Eric, do you….do you want to foster him?"

Eric shrugged. "It's a moot point, it's not an option for me."

"That isn't what I asked you" she corrected. "I asked you if you wanted to."

His blue eyes froze over in coldness. "Why does it matter?"

Taken aback by his response, Alexis sat up straighter. "It matters because I think this is something that matters to you. I say I think it is because I have no way of really knowing. You keep shutting off parts of yourself from me and I have no idea what's going on in your head."

Eric said nothing but simply stared at her. Alexis caught sight of his four leaf clover tattoo on his shoulder and wished changing the future was as simple as rubbing a talisman.

"I heard him ask you if he could go home with you."

He glared incredulously at her. "What – are you spying on me now?"

"No," Taking a breath she tried to keep her temper in check. "I showed up to surprise you and when you didn't answer your page, I figured out where you were."

"Then you also heard me tell him no."

She shook her head. "No. I heard you tell him one step at a time which is not the same thing as no. Eric, that little boy thinks you hung the moon and the stars and I guess I'm asking what you want to do about it."

"There is nothing for me TO DO" he bit out. "I can't foster him – there is nothing I can do for him so why can't you leave it alone?"

"What do you want, Eric – what is it that matters to you?"

"What I want is for this ridiculous conversation to end. What I want is for us to talk about something other than my patient-"

She slapped her hands on the bed in frustration. "That's the problem! We never talk about him but he is on your mind all the time"

"So you're a mind reader now? Is that it?" Kicking back the covers, he got to his feet. "You know, I had a stupidly long day and I should be at home in my own bed but all I could think about was spending time with you. Instead I get to be cross-examined by you."

He angrily snapped up his scrubs pants and pulled them on.

"You're leaving?" she asked, swallowing down the disappointment and nervousness.

"Is there a reason to stay?" he snarked, pulling on his top.

"Fine," she told him calmly. "But don't bother coming back until you're willing to have an honest conversation with me."

He stood frozen in his tracks and stared at her. "Pardon?"

"I've already been alone in a relationship Eric and I have no intention of doing it again. I love you – completely. But I will not take your scraps because you are too scared to tell me the truth or too afraid to ask for what you want."

Furious, he spun on his heel and stormed out of the bedroom. It wasn't until Alexis heard the front door slam that the first tears fell.

****  
Curled up together under the blanket, legs and arms tangled together and Robin's face half buried in Patrick's neck as they worked their way through the second movie, both jumped as the apartment door slammed shut.

Looking over his shoulder, Patrick saw Eric with a thunderous look on his face. "Smitty?"

"Fuck off" he spat, heading for the kitchen.

Robin and Patrick exchanged concerned looks and Robin reached for the remote control, pausing the movie. Eric emerged from the kitchen, beer in hand and headed for the stairs.

"Dude," Patrick called to him. "What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Eric," Robin started, "you might feel better if you talk about it."

Spinning on his heel, he walked towards the couch. "Is there anything on my face that gives either of you the slightest impression that I want to talk about it?"

Patrick narrowed his gaze. "She was just suggesting-"

"Oh I know. Robin is full of suggestions, great suggestions. She had a ton of suggestions for me when you were fighting for your life. Where the hell would I be without Robin's suggestions?"

Robin grimaced at his outburst. It was clear to her that Alexis had finally spoken to him and that the conversation had not gone well. She was also reminded of the residual pain they all carried from Patrick's illness.

Patrick rose to his feet. "Shut up Smitty" he warned. "You can be as much of an asshole as you want but you don't get to speak to Robin like that. For god's sake, she's pregnant."

"Yes, yes I know" he said flatly. "A hundred thousand apologies. Just go back to being cuddled and coddled, okay?"

Patrick's brown eyes blazed angrily. "What the fuck is your problem?"

"My problem? My problem is that I didn't ask for any of this, okay? I didn't ask to have any of this shit but you were too goddamn scared to tell your father or your girlfriend the truth so you called me and pulled me into your life and I didn't ask for it. And then when you were too scared to face reality you hid out in my apartment and I got to stickhandle your family and your girlfriend and your lawyer and they all have fucking opinions, don't they? You pulled me into this and I don't want it, okay? That's what my problem is."

Patrick's mouth fell open in shock as he stared in disbelief at his friend.

"Eric, what happened with Alexis?" Robin asked carefully.

"None of your fucking business" he snapped. The words had no sooner left his mouth than Patrick's fist had made contact with his jaw sending him reeling across the room.

"I told you not to speak to her like that, okay?"

Scrambling to his feet, he rubbed his jaw and smirked at his friend. "Nice to see your strength is back." He brushed past him and gathered up his keys.

"Where are you going?"

"Out. The place is yours."

Patrick moved to speak to him again but the door closed before he had the opportunity. He looked back at Robin, bewildered. "I…I think my friend is coming apart."

Robin got to her feet and crossing the room, wrapped her arms around his waist. "How can I help?" she asked.

Closing his arms around her, he pulled her to him. "Don't leave."

"I wouldn't dream of it."


	149. Chapter 156

**Chapter 156**

Come on and lay it down

Tired of staring up at the ceiling, Patrick glanced over at his clock and groaned inwardly when it read 3:43. His mind was racing and it was painfully obvious now that sleep was completely out of the question. He had listened for the tell tale turning of the key in the lock but it had not come which meant his friend was still out, running to wherever. Turning his head to the side, he smiled at a sleeping Robin curled up under the blankets.

She had told him she wouldn't leave and she was as good as her word. She had told him about Alexis' concerns vis a vis Josh and Eric and surmised that was all the spark that was needed to start his meltdown. The one bright spot in all of it was being able to fall asleep with Robin in his arms again. Or at this rate he was willing to settle for Robin falling asleep in his arms again.

Unable to just lie there any longer, he carefully pushed back the blankets and swung his feet to the floor. He pulled them back tightly around Robin and kissed her cheek before padding out of the bedroom and up the stairs. He pushed open the door to Eric's bedroom and smirked; some things just never changed. Much as when they were in med school together, his room was neat almost to the point of compulsively clean. Flipping on the lights he walked around the room looking for any sign of how long his friend had been in such a bad way.

On his dresser were three photos – one of Eric and Alexis and the girls eating ice cream on the porch of her house, one of his family from one of his last visits home and one of the two of them, taken on graduation day. Their arms were slung around each other's shoulders, their degrees tucked under their arms and goofy, lazy smiles plastered on both their faces. They had been friends for a long, long time.

Walking over to his desk, he spotted a small stack of letters and picked them up. While there was little doubt his friend would not appreciate his snooping, he felt he was doing what needed to be done. Shuffling through the envelopes he stopped at the one from Karen and put it aside. Looking at the remaining ones he found his heart start to race as he saw the logo for Child and Family Services. He added that one to the one from his ex-girlfriend and returned the stack to where he had found it.

With the two letters in hand he headed downstairs and flopped on the couch. He glanced from one envelope to the other, unsure of which one to read first before finally opting for the one from CFS.

An acrid lump formed in his throat as he scanned the letter. It was a rejection of his application to foster Josh on an emergency basis. The letter was rich with bureaucratic language and while the writer thanked him for the 'complete and persuasive' case he made as the right person to assist the young boy, they regretted that he could not be considered a suitable candidate. Small pangs of guilt pricked at him as he realized that he had gone through all of this alone. And while he recognized Eric could have told him, he was reminded that not too long ago there had been no secrets in their friendship.

He carefully folded the letter and placed it back inside before picking up the other one. The envelope was red and in his mind it could only mean danger. Retrieving the letter from inside, he unfolded it and began to read. His blood pressure started to rise as he did so. In the letter she waxed poetically about the miracle of being a mother before telling him how unhappy she was in her marriage and wished that even if they were no longer together, they could still be friends. His hands shook with rage as he put the letter back in the envelope.

"Stupid bitch" he hissed.

"I hope you aren't talking about me" Robin said as she came into view.

Patrick smiled. She was dressed in his t-shirt and the sight of her lean, toned legs poking up from underneath was enough to take his mind in a whole other direction.

"Nope, never." He held out his hand to her and as she placed hers inside, he steered her beside him on the couch.

Robin leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips. "Couldn't sleep, huh?"

He shook his head. "I'm worried."

"And apparently a little pissed, if your potty mouth is anything to go by" she teased lightly as she linked her arm through his and pressed a kiss to his shoulder.

"I snooped in his room," he told her. "And….Robin, I have been so completely wrapped up in my own crap that I have virtually ignored him"

"What did you find?"

He nodded to the two letters on the table. "He applied to be a foster parent on an emergency basis and was told he was inadequate and then he gets a letter from that stupid cow Karen telling him she misses him and whining about her fucking life."

"You know," she began carefully, "I'm not sure I have ever seen you have as violent reaction to another person as you do to her. Even at the hospital you were apoplectic that she was in the room. What's that about?"

Patrick shrugged. "She broke his heart and I don't think she should be on the same continent as him, let alone in the same room."

"Is it more than him getting his heart broken?"

Patrick looked down at the red envelope and her handwriting and could still see Eric's face the day she told him she was ending things. He was in the middle of chemotherapy; all of his hair was gone and less than a week before they had inserted a feeding tube because he was becoming emaciated.

"He was dying Robin. He was struggling to stay alive and she told him that she couldn't handle it and that she didn't love him enough to stay. He was devastated and she didn't care. She was happy to have her hooks into him when he was healthy and strong but the minute he stopped being able to provide the fantasy she wanted to live, she bolted and I can't forgive her for that."

Robin gently rubbed his arm trying to ease some of the tension balled up inside. "That must have been hard."

Patrick nodded. "I needed him to make it and she just came and cut the legs out from underneath him."

"You really love him," she remarked.

A small smirk formed on his mouth. "We're guys, we don't talk like that."

Chuckling softly, she rested her head on his shoulder. "Sorry to offend your testosterone induced sensibilities. I guess what I was trying to say is that he's really important to you."

Patrick brushed his lips against her temple and gave a small nod. "He was all I had for a long time. Before I met you Robin he was the only person in my life who gave a damn. I couldn't charm him or bullshit him. It was….despite my conquests-"

"Legendary conquests" she added with a smile.

Patrick chortled. "Yes, legendary conquests. Despite those my life was pretty small but he was always there. And so when he got sick I just couldn't accept that he might die – I couldn't handle…." His voice trailed off and he wiped at his eyes.

"You couldn't handle being left again?" she offered.

He nodded. "I would have been all alone. And so when she did that – to me it was like stomping on the hands of a guy who's hanging on to the ledge – I hated her for it. I still do. And knowing that another person could treat someone so cruelly just confirmed for me – then anyways – that relationships were useless and not worth the effort."

Robin narrowed her eyes. "She played a role in that? Okay, now I hate her too."

Leaning back against the couch, he tugged her to him and put his arm around her. "I know I kept this well hidden but I have some serious trust issues."

Robin gasped in mock surprise. "No! Say it ain't so!"

Rolling his eyes with a sly grin on his face, he carried on. "But I trusted him with my life – I still do. I trust both of you like that and I know how rare it is to get that in your life, so the idea that this….this…person, is fucking with him makes me crazy."

Smiling, she traced her fingertips along his jaw. "See this…this right here is how I know you are going to be a brilliant father. Your loyalty and your protective instincts….our child is going to be very blessed."

Wrapping her in his arms, he hugged her tightly. "Blessed because of both parents," he added.

"Are you going to tell him you read the letters?" she asked quietly, resting her head on his chest.

"I don't know" he admitted honestly. "But I do know that I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for him, which means I would miss out on loving you and our baby, so I need to make sure he's okay and give him whatever he needs"

Lifting her head, she smiled lovingly at him. "You're amazing."

"Not really," he protested lightly, "I just want to hold on to what matters to me."


	150. Chapter 157

**Chapter 157**

You could always pull me through

Exhausted, Eric slid his key in the door and quietly pushed it open. The room was dark except for the light from one lamp on the far table and it was eerily quiet. It had been more than 36 hours since he stormed out of his own apartment, embarrassed and angry by his own behaviour. All he wanted now was a little peace and the chance to sleep. He dropped his keys into the bowl by the entrance and headed for the kitchen.

He jumped as he heard Patrick's voice behind him.

"I was getting ready to send out a search party."

Sighing quietly, he turned around and offered a regretful smile. "I'm really, really sorry about yelling at you – you and Robin. It was uncalled for."

Patrick acknowledged the apology with a nod. There was a small welt along his jaw where he had hit him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he replied, grabbing a juice bottle from the refrigerator. "I'm just….I'm just tired, so I'm going to head up to bed." Brushing past his friend, he walked out of the kitchen.

Jamming his hands into his pockets, he followed him out. "I found the letter," he announced quickly.

With his foot poised over the bottom stair, Eric paused. Swallowing thickly, he slowly turned around. "Letter?"

With the good grace to at least blush slightly, he nodded. "Yeah. From Child and Family Services."

Eric cocked his eyebrow. "The one in my room?"

"You can slug me later if you want," he offered. "But I was worried about you and so I snooped a little." After replacing the letters, he had decided it was better for both of them if he pretended not to have seen the one from Karen.

Too tired to find any anger, he answered simply. "Oh."

"You…you didn't tell anyone."

Juice in hand, Eric walked away from the stairs and flopped on to the couch. "Well if you read the letter then you know there was nothing to tell."

Patrick sank on to the couch at the other end. "Dude."

Taking a long drink, he said nothing for several minutes. Exhaling slowly, he twisted the cap back on the bottle. "I used to…I used to think the reason I got cancer was so I would be a brilliant surgeon. I would tell myself that what I lost in that year was small matter compared to what I gained – that I would be a world class surgeon with extraordinary skill." He laughed bitterly. "Turns out I'm not and in the end there was actually no point in me having cancer."

Patrick's brow knit together. "You are a world class s-s-surgeon"

Glancing at him sceptically, Eric shook his head. "Am I? Seems to me I failed you."

"Pardon? You failed me? Wh-what the hell are you talking about?"

"You woke up the first time with minor aphasia and hand tremors. You woke up the second time with major aphasia, memory loss and hand tremors. Every time you stutter or search for a word it's like a slap in the face reminding me I didn't get the job done as I promised to do – as I was supposed to be able to do. It's pretty much failing and failing big."

"Smitty"

"Do you know what it's like to be half-dead?" he asked quietly. "Where you are literally hovering between two worlds? You can feel the icy cold grip of death pulling you and you're clawing at the ground trying not to give in. You do it long enough and you get exhausted and then….then you have to choose – are you going to live or are you going to die? It was like that for almost two weeks Pantsy and when….when I finally decided I was going to live I figured it must mean that I would be a great doctor."

Patrick pensively rubbed his finger along his bottom lip. Though he had been with his friend every step of the way, they had almost never talked about the experience in detail– certainly not from his perspective. He had long admired how easily he seemed to pull it together and only now was he realizing 'together' was a relative term.

"I don't understand why you think you're a failure."

"Because I don't feel like I'm much of a success" he offered.

"Eric, I am alive because of you. You saved my life – more than once – and you have saved the lives of a lot of others. There isn't any way that you could be considered a failure as a doctor or as a friend."

He said nothing as he continued to pick at the plastic ring on the neck of the bottle.

"Why didn't you tell me or anyone about wanting to foster Josh?"

Eric shrugged. "I guess…I guess I didn't want to make a big deal about it. And because I hadn't figured out what it meant for Alexis and I."

"Do you….do you really hate me for bringing you into this part of my life?"

He shook his head and smiled sadly. "No. In fact I'm grateful to you. I met Alexis because of you and that has meant everything to me. But it still feels like I've failed somehow."

"You know…I asked you that night at Jake's to make sure I stayed alive so I could marry Robin and you did. Robin and I are going to get married and live together and…and raise a family. You made sure I would be here for that – there is no failure."

Inhaling sharply, he closed his eyes. "I wish I had more to offer."

"You have more to offer than you know."

His eyes flew open at the sound of Alexis' voice and as both men turned their heads, they saw Robin and Alexis standing in the doorway. Getting to his feet, he walked around the couch and stood in front of both of them, just out of reach.

"I am so very sorry I yelled at both of you. It was uncalled for and incredibly….I was wrong to do so."

Robin, thinking back to the accusations and insults she had hurled at him when Patrick was in the hospital, smiled kindly. "We all reach a breaking point" she told him. "I'm just glad you're okay."

Rubbing his hand over his mouth, he flashed a grateful smile. "Thanks." He glanced over at Patrick and back to the two women. "I…I really need to grab some sleep so I'll…." His voice trailed off and unable to meet Alexis' eyes, he turned on his heel and disappeared up the stairs.

"How long were you guys standing there?" Patrick asked.

"For almost all of it," Robin answered, her heart suddenly hammering in her chest.

Alexis looked over at the stairs and then back to her friends. "If you'll both excuse me" she asked, heading to Eric's room.

Patrick walked towards Robin, waggling his eyebrows. "So do you think we can make our sleepover three nights in a row?"

Swallowing thickly, she forced a smile. "I don't know – we probably shouldn't."

****  
Peeling off his clothes and uncharacteristically letting them drop where he stood, Eric crawled in to bed, diving under the covers. He didn't so much want to go to sleep as he wanted to disappear. He had spent a lot of time making sure the ground underneath him was solid but the last few weeks had made it feel very shaky.

He bit down on his lip as he heard his bedroom door open. Opening his eyes, he stared nervously at Alexis. She closed the door and sat down on the edge of his bed.

"I was worried about you."

"I'm sorry" he whispered.

Cupping his face, she stroked her cheek with his thumb and leaning in, gently kissed his lips.

He placed his hand at her waist and smiled wistfully. "I…I applied to be Josh's foster parent a few weeks ago and was turned down."

She nodded. "Did you not think I would support you in this? Eric, I was the District Attorney and I have a lot of connections, I could have helped."

"I know," he told her quietly. "But I guess…I think I just wanted someone to see that I would be a good choice without having to do it as a favour for someone."

Sweeping her hand across his chest, she nodded. "I get it, I do. I'm just sorry that you went through it by yourself. And I guess I didn't really understand the impact Patrick's illness and surgery had on you – or at least I didn't understand how deeply it impacted you."

"It's been a tough go lately and I've been a bit of an ass as a result." Reaching up, he brushed her bangs from her face. "I do love you" he stated.

"I've never doubted that." She pulled back the covers and tucked herself underneath the blankets, curling in towards him. "Look, there are still options and after you've rested up and are feeling a little stronger, we can talk about them if you want to."

Blowing out his cheeks, he shook his head. "I don't know Alexis – I….it's too hard to get my hopes up again. Right now I think I just want to spend time with you."

"That works for me," she said quietly. "But just promise me you won't shut me out again? I'd rather fight with you than feel like I'm losing you."

He pressed his lips to hers as he spoke. "I promise."

****  
Patrick looked at her in surprise. "What do you mean we probably shouldn't? It was fine the last two nights and I…I kind of like having you in my bed."

"You needed me the last two nights," she said defensively. "Eric's home now-"

"And I still n-n-need you" he interjected.

It was the conversation about marriage and family that had sent her blood pressure bolting skyward. But she was not able to articulate it – she didn't know how to tell him that even after several long arduous therapy sessions talk of happily ever after filled her with dread and not joy. It made her furious that she was still struggling with what, in her mind, should be an easy fix.

"Look, I know it's not easy being patient but you're going to have to be."

Frowning, Patrick stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I am being patient, I just don't understand why we were fine for two nights and now we aren't."

"Because….because – because I'm not ready for more, okay?" she tried to fight back her frustration.

Physically taking a step back, he nodded. "Okay. I guess I'll just wait for you to yank on my chain the next time you are."

Her cheeks flushed furiously. "Excuse me?"

"What? Robin, I am trying to be patient – I am. I love you and our baby and I want you to be healthy and strong but at the moment it feels like all I can do is wait around and react to what you're ready for – and that seems to change daily."

"Unlike you when you had your issues – where you were just easy, breezy?"

He sighed heavily. The toll of the last few days weighed on him and the conversation had left him drained. "I'm sorry," he apologized. "I don't want to fight."

"Me too," she told him, slightly mollified. "I…I should go."

She walked to him and standing on her tip toes, quickly pecked him on the cheek. She grabbed her bag and headed for the door. With her hand on the handle, she stopped and turned around.

"I love you too Patrick. It'll get better, I promise."


	151. Chapter 158

**Chapter 158**

Everywhere you go, you always take the weather with you

The older woman dropped the keys into his hands and smiled broadly. "Congratulations Doctor Drake, the house is all yours."

Standing on the porch with the midday sun beating down, he stared at the front door in bewilderment. In the space of two weeks he had placed an offer on the house and was now taking possession and had yet to actually tell anyone about it other than his best friend.

He wanted to tell Robin about it – wanted to show it to her and daydream out loud about how they would decorate it when they were ready to move in together but things had been tenuous at best between them since their disagreement at Eric's apartment. He just didn't feel he could put this on her right now.

Thanking the agent, he accepted the keys and opened the front door to his new home – the one he hoped to live in with his family. The hardwood floors gleamed with a dark cherry shine and the large archways into each room whispered invitations to come and explore. His shoes thumped quietly against the floor as he walked down the long stretch of hallway to the back of the house.

Standing in the middle of the kitchen, he shaded his eyes against the bright sun beaming through the large picture window over the sink. It was a dream kitchen with new stainless steel appliances, an island in the middle and a small breakfast nook. He cast a glance into the sunken family room just off of the kitchen and in an instant had visions of their child – their children – playing and watching Dora the Explorer videos. It amazed even him that the thought of a full family life made him happy, not terrified.

He wandered back down the hallway and headed up the wide staircase. There were five bedrooms on the second floor including a large master suite overlooking the backyard. He peeked his head in the master bathroom and grinned as he caught a look at the large roman tub – it had been a definite selling feature for him and he couldn't wait to get Robin in it.

And while he was under no illusions that the other four bedrooms would be filled with children, he was not opposed to filling most of them. As his mother had become sick he had come to hate being an only child. There was no one with whom he could share his worries or even share memories with and as his family disintegrated it only further drove the point home. He wanted their child to have siblings. He wanted loud, raucous family dinners on Sunday nights. He even wanted doors to be slammed and tempers to flare. For the first time as an adult he wanted everything he had always said he didn't.

A family meant belonging. A family meant company. A family meant that no one would be left behind. And while he gave little thought to the future awaiting Robin – because every time he did he felt his knees tremble and his heart crack – he knew if he was going to survive it then he would need a family – his family. Falling in love with Robin was the most amazing thing to have happened to him and he wanted that legacy to survive. He wanted there to be evidence of a golden time in his life that lived on after both of them were gone. Their love was too special and too sustaining not to.

Walking down half of the stairs, he reached into his back pocket and pulled out an envelope before sitting down. He had been carrying it with him for a few weeks now waiting for the moment to come when he would be ready to read it. In many ways he was not sure one could ever be ready to read such a letter but as he sat on the steps at the gateway to his future he figured now was as good a time as any.

Sliding his finger underneath the old gummy seal, he flipped open the envelope and retrieved the letter from inside. The once crisp white paper hinted a little at its age with yellowing corners. As he unfolded the letter he caught his breath at the first sight of his mother's handwriting. His grief at her loss was an ache that only ever seemed to scab over, not heal.

Blowing out his cheeks, he began to read.

_My precious Patrick,_

What an amazing journey you are about to begin! Being a parent can be, as Dickens said, the best of times and the worst of times but no one really tells you is that even the worst of times can be pretty good.

I'm sure you are nervous but telling everyone you are fine – you always did do that, never wanting to talk about your feelings until you had figured them out for yourself. But know that being nervous is okay and probably a good thing. You've created a life that is going to depend on you for a very long time and that should terrify you just a little. But I know you will be fine.

You have been mesmerized by magic since you were a toddler and let me just say, parenthood is as magical as it gets. Believe me when I tell you the moment your child grabs hold of your finger they will also be grabbing hold of your heart and you will never, ever want to let go.

I remember the moment they placed you on my chest. I was sure that my own heart was simply going to explode at the pure joy of it all. You weren't a big baby – just under 7 pounds – but you were truly a bundle of love and the first moment I touched you my life was complete.

You have been such a source of joy and wonderment to me and to your father and I have cherished every moment watching you grow up. I am terribly disappointed that I won't be present for this moment with you but I am ridiculously proud of you!

I don't have a lot of advice to give you because much of the joy in being a parent is the discovery about yourself along the way. You will find that you are capable of goodness you never realized you had. Trust that everything you need to be a good father – and a good man – is already inside you. The most important things you can give to your child, after love, is roots and wings. Let them know where they come from and that there is always a home for them but give them both the courage and the confidence to discover the world around them.

Be patient with your wife. Okay, I suppose I should allow for the possibility that the baby carriage may be coming before the wedding (you always did do things your own way). Regardless, be patient with her. Being pregnant is amazing and scary and joyful and terrifying. We women have a lot to sort through after we find out we're pregnant and there is a reason we're given nine months to get ready! I have no doubt she is a remarkable woman – any woman would have to be, to be with you. Remind her that you love her, that she's beautiful and spend time, just the two of you, revelling in the miracle that you've both created.

This is an incredibly wonderful time in your life. It will mark the end of the selfish life we all lead and the beginning of the selfless one that parenthood requires. It will tough, challenging, rewarding, mystifying and astonishing. It will be worth every sacrifice. And if you're having a moment where you are unsure, where you doubt that you can do this, close your eyes, take a deep breath and know that while love may not solve every problem, every worthwhile solution begins with it.

I love you Patty and I am so very excited that you are becoming a father. What a blessed child you will have.

Be good. Be kind. Have faith.

Love,

Mom. 

Patrick was not even aware of the tears streaming down his face until they splattered on the step. He inhaled sharply and wistfully traced his finger over his mother's signature.

Getting to his feet, he descended the rest of the stairs and stood in the entrance hall. He carefully folded the letter and pocketed it. Giving a final glance around the house, he smiled to himself. He was on the brink of the most perfect time in his life; all he needed was Robin to share it with him.

Opening the door he headed out into the sunshine.


	152. Chapter 159

**Chapter 159**

I am in repair, I am not together but I'm getting there

The jingle of the bells pulled her attention from her crossword puzzle to the door and she smiled as he walked in. Waving him over, she got to her feet and hugged him tightly.

"It's great to see you," Robin said as she re-took her seat.

"You too," Darren replied, sliding into the seat opposite her.

He smiled at the waitress who filled his mug with steaming coffee and immediately reached for the sugar. Seeing Robin's eyes widen as he placed spoonful after spoonful in the mug, he rolled his eyes in mock irritation.

"I have a sweet tooth. Don't judge me."

"And you're touchy too" she teased, breaking off a piece of her cookie and dunking it in the milkshake in front of her.

"No coffee?" he inquired.

She shook her head. "Not any more. I…well….I'm pregnant."

His eyes went wide with surprise and his face split into a large grin. "Robin! That is fantastic news! You must be over the moon." Seeing her face drop, he reined in his enthusiasm. "You aren't over the moon?"

Sighing heavily, she gave a small shrug. "I am and I'm not. Finding out I was pregnant seems….well…it has…," stammering, she took a deep breath and started again. "It seems to have stirred up several issues for me. Don't get me wrong I'm really thrilled that I'm going to be a mother, I've wanted that for a long time. I just…I didn't know it came with all this stuff."

Darren took a sip from his mug and looked at her pensively. "What kind of stuff?"

"It's left me feeling a little insecure about my relationship with Patrick for starters. I struggle with having exposed him, I struggle with the knowledge that I am going to bring a child in to our lives and leave before any of us are ready, I struggle with how much he wants to be a family and get married and how much that terrifies me."

He nodded his understanding as he leaned back in his chair. "Was this the first time you exposed Patrick?"

"Yes. And I always knew if it happened I would feel badly but I don't think I was ever prepared for how badly I did feel."  
"There is no preparation for that Robin," he told her. "There is absolutely no way you can wrap your head around it and insulate yourself against the shock. It's destabilizing every time it happens and quite honestly, no matter how receptive or understanding your partner is, they simply cannot understand."

It was as though a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Her work with Lainey was difficult and was delving in to issues that had built up inside her over time and while that was proving to be helpful, some times all you needed was the confirmation that you were not alone in your thinking.

"Have you…" she began.

"The condom has broken twice for me," he replied. "And each time my girlfriend was loving and calm and patient and I was a wreck. You can say that law of averages dictates that it will happen and you can spout everything you want about how your viral load is low and risk of transmission is low but the minute you realize it's happened-"

"It's like the whole world stops" she finished for him.

Taking another sip from his coffee, he smiled. "Exactly."

"I worry that he's going to hate me."

His brow knit together questioningly. "What do you mean?"

Her voice dropped to a whisper and her gaze dropped to her glass. "If he tests positive, if the baby does."

"I'm not sure that's within your control-" he started before Robin cut him off.

"But it is! He couldn't test positive if it weren't for sleeping with me and our baby couldn't test positive if it were for me being pregnant."

"So what are you going to do?" he asked. "Stop having sex? That's no life. Not have the baby? You just said it was something you wanted for a long time. Robin, there is so much we have to control when we're positive – our meds, our nutrition, our energy, our sleep, how we have sex - but there is so much that is outside of our control."

"But-"

He raised his hand. "You take every precaution that you know of and you make sure the people in your life are fully informed, after that it's no longer in your control."

"That's what I find so hard," she admitted quietly.

"I know, me too. But what choice do we have? We can lock ourselves away, denying relationships and feelings and everything else life has to offer but I think that does a disservice to those who came before us. Not everyone has had the chances or the good fortune we have and if we don't embrace it all then we are dishonouring them."

Robin raised her eyebrows in slight bemusement. "Did you need a ladder for your soapbox?" she asked.

Darren laughed and shook his head. "Nope. I managed to climb up here all by myself."

Smiling, Robin sucked back the last of her milkshake. "You make a lot of sense," she admitted. "And rationally I know all this – intellectually I get it but…"

"Emotionally?" he prompted.

"Emotionally it sends me into a tailspin. And every time Patrick talks about marriage or family or long term I feel like I'm going to pass out."

"Don't you want to be married?"

She broke off another piece of cookie and popped it in her mouth, using the delay as an opportunity to gather her thoughts. "I've never seen a marriage really last" she told him quietly. "My parents split up, they married other people and they split up, my uncle got his heart stomped on, my best friend got left at the altar. I've never seen a marriage make it to the end. And Patrick….Patrick is a product of this grand love affair – his parents' marriage was a love story for the ages and would still be going strong if his mom hadn't died. Their house in the Hamptons is covered in tributes to their family – to their togetherness. I'm not sure….that doesn't reflect the experiences I grew up with."

Darren drained his coffee, shoving the mug off to the side. "Robin, I don't pretend to understand relationships, including my own, but I do know enough to know that we are not the sum total of our parents. 'Cause if that were the case I would be a workaholic and emotionally stunted and I'm neither of those things."

A half smile formed on her lips. "You may not be emotionally stunted but I think I might be."

He shook his head. "Not a chance. But have you told Patrick any of this?"

She let out a long slow breath. "I'm not sure I'm ready to just yet. I need to work it out in my head a little more before I have this conversation. I love him Darren, without hesitation."

"Then what is it?"

"Right now I just don't feel like I can marry him. I….I've started going to therapy in hopes that I will get to that place but some days, like today, I'm just not sure it will ever happen."

"Like everything else, it's about faith. You have to believe it will happen Robin and once you have faith that it will, the world has a way of falling into place."

She gave him a small, appreciative smile and slipped her hand inside her pocket fingering the Michael the Archangel medallion Patrick had given her during her protocol change. She had taken to wearing it during her sessions with Lainey and running her fingers along it when things seemed difficult.

"I don't want to fail" she whispered. "And now we are going to have a baby and that will be the most important thing either of us ever do and I don't want to do anything that will negatively impact that – even if it means not getting everything I want. Our child has to come first."

"Are you afraid to fail?"

Robin shook her head. Failure was not something she feared – she had experienced it often enough both personally and professionally. In many ways she had come to embrace it as a right of passage but this was different.

"Not afraid but I can't afford to – we can't afford to. The costs are too high this time." Exhaling slowly, she gave him an apologetic look. "I just realized every time I ask you for coffee I do all the talking."

"Not true, I did some talking."

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, you talked. About me. I'm not normally this self-centered."

Reaching across the table, he stole the last piece of her cookie and popped it in his mouth. "You aren't self-centered and I do plenty of talking at group so I'm happy to lend an ear when you need it." He glanced at his watch. "I do have to run though."

Pushing back her chair she got to her feet, came around the table and hugged him tightly. "Thank you so much for everything" she told him. "Meeting you was a stroke of luck on my part."

He hugged her back and smiled. "We're both lucky. Take care Robin – I'll talk to you soon."

Letting go of her, he turned towards the door and came face to face with a glowering Patrick.

"Hey Patrick, nice to see you again."

"You too, David" he replied tightly.

"It's Darren," he corrected easily. "Congratulations on the baby – that's great news."

He gave a passing glance to him before turning his attention back to Robin. "Thanks"

With a small shrug, Darren headed outside.

Robin smiled as she walked over to Patrick. "Hey – I didn't know you were coming to Kelly's."

"I just came by to p-pick up some lunch," he replied. "Did you have a good time with whatshisface?"

Giving him a curious look, Robin nodded. "It's always good to be able to talk to him – he just gets it."

"Yes I know. You told him you were pregnant?"

Cocking her head to the side, she noticed the muscle in his cheek twitching. "Is there some reason why I shouldn't?"

He shrugged. "I just didn't know we were telling people beyond our families. I guess there's a lot I don't know" he added.

His initial euphoria at both the house purchase and the letter from his mother had rapidly dissipated in the intervening days. He and Robin had had difficulty finding time together and he was getting the distinct impression that the grip on their relationship was tenuous at best some days.

Taking a deep breath, he tried to push his temper to the side. "Do you want to have dinner tonight? We could go to the Green Papaya for Thai – you love their sticky rice."

Robin's face fell. "I'm sorry. I told Maxie I would go shopping with her tonight."

"Cancel" he told her.

Doing a double take, she shook her head. "What?"

"Robin, we haven't seen in each other for more than a few minutes in almost a week. You can see Maxie any time – I want to have dinner with you and talk. I…I just think it would be good if we could spend some time together."

Reaching out, she placed her hand on his arm. "Patrick, I do want to spend time with you but it's not fair for me to cancel on her – we've had these plans for a few days now. Look, let's have dinner tomorrow night and we can talk through the night – I don't have to work the next day."

Patrick groaned. "But I do." Sighing heavily, he rubbed his hand over his face. "Have a good time with Maxie and we can talk tomorrow about dinner."

The slight tone of melancholy in his voice gave her pause. Standing on her tiptoes, she brushed her lips against his. "I love you, you know."

He slid a hand around her waist and drew her to him, kissing her softly. "I know." With his forehead resting against hers, he stole another quick kiss. "I'll talk to you later."

Slowly extricating herself from his arms, she nodded. "I'll call you when I get home from shopping."

He gave a small wave goodbye and wondered why his heart felt like it was cracking.


	153. Chapter 160

**Chapter 160**

I come back to the place you are

Noah looked at his son curiously as they pulled into the driveway. Patrick put the car in park and quickly opened his door, springing to his feet. Noah exited the car and followed him up the steps to the front door, admiring the wrap around porch as he did so.

Patrick had called him earlier, cryptically asking him if he was free later in the evening as there was something he wanted to show him. His attempts to get his son to reveal anything had been futile but seeing him now fishing a key from his pocket, it was abundantly clear what it was that he wanted to show him.

They stepped inside the entrance way and Patrick groped for the light switch, illuminating the hallway as he flipped them on. Smiling shyly, he stood in the hallway and gave his father an expectant look.

"So what do you think?" he asked, nervously shoving his hands inside his pockets

"You bought it?"

"No, I've just broken in and am thinking of squatting," he snarked. "Of course I bought it."

With a small smile playing on his lips, Noah held up his hands. "I surrender"

"Sorry" he muttered.

Noah walked from the entrance and walked into the living room, casting an appreciative glance around. Stealing a quick look at his son he noticed the far away, dreamy look in his eyes and felt such a sense of pride at how his son had matured.

"This is quite a place" he told him.

A smile appeared on his face. "Thanks. I think...it's got a good family vibe to it, don't you think?"

He nodded as he followed his son to the back of the house. "Absolutely. What does Robin think? Is she excited?" Noah immediately regretted his questions as he watched his son's face fall ever so slightly.

"I,uh...I haven't told her yet."

Leaning against the kitchen counter, Noah folded his arms across his chest and gave him a quizzical look. "What do you mean you haven't told her? You bought this without her?"

"Well no..yes....kind of."

A small smirk crossed his lips and he shook his head. Patrick had always been someone who once he made up his mind charged ahead and expected everyone else to follow suit. It never occurred to him that others might not come to the same conclusions as him. And what he could see right now was that his son was terrified that Robin wouldn't come to same conclusion as he did and was trying to use a backdoor to get there.

"What do you mean kind of?" he asked carefully.

Sighing heavily, he leaned against the large island and pursed his lips together. "Robin loves this house. Almost every time we walked home from the hospital she would make us swing by here to admire the wrap around porch, the large oak tree in the front yard, the painted fence - anything. In my....when I...." He paused, taking a deep breath to steady his quavering voice before speaking again. "When I wrote my will, I made arrangements with the owners of the house to let Robin buy it and I left her the money to do so."

Noah's face remained impassive as he processed the information. Patrick had told him he had written a will and the role it had played in him recovering his memory but hearing him speak of it - of even one particular bequest threatened to stop his heart; he hated being reminded of how close he came to losing his son. Though he told no one, when he closed his eyes at night he could still see his son convulsing on the floor of the bathroom during the Nurses Ball, or banging his bandaged head against a door frame in the hospital as he had gone in search of Robin.

"And you bought it now, without her, because?"

He gave a small shrug. "Because she's not ready but I didn't want to wait. Because I...we...have a child coming and I don't want to bring  
him or her home to an apartment. Because it was available."

"Okay," he told him quietly.

"You don't think I should have, do you?" he questioned.

Noah pursed his lips together. "It's not really for me to say. You know your dynamic with Robin better than anyone and while I think she will love the house, she may not be as thrilled with not being part of the decision to buy it."

"But we had talked about it" he protested. "We had talked about buying this very house but then she found out she was pregnant and everything changed."

He could hear the disappointment in his son's voice, knowing how difficult it was for him to be patient. He was, quite simply, a control freak – like his father – and he wanted things to happen on his timetable. It was a remarkable thing to see him struggle against his nature because of his love for another person.

"Do you know when you're going to show it to her?"

He shook his head. "We're….uh…it's….I'm jealous" he blurted.

Noah looked at him wide-eyed. There was little doubt in his mind that his son had experienced many emotions in his life, he had never really been sure that jealousy was one of them.

"Jealous? Of whom?"

"Everyone" he muttered.

"Everyone?"

"It just…it feels like Robin has time for everyone these days but me – she sees Lainey, she's shopping with Maxie, having dinner with Alexis – hell, I walked into Kelly's and she was with Darren." His arms flailed as he paced around the kitchen.

"And you're feeling left out?"

"More like left behind," he spat. "And it's a familiar feeling – one I don't like."

The words had their desired impact and Noah grimaced. No matter how far they would ever come as father and son he knew there was nothing he could do to every fully heal that wound.

He prodded gently. "Have you told her?"

"I'd have to see her," he replied, his face in full pout.

Pulling himself away from the counter he walked across the kitchen and stood in front of his son. "Sport, it is impossible to be all things to your partner in a relationship. You both need to have people to talk to and spend time with outside of each other – it will strengthen your relationship, not weaken it."

Slightly mollified, Patrick took a deep breath. "Did you and mom do that?"

He nodded. "Absolutely. She had her girlfriends and her cousins and I had my friends. There are times when you just want to talk with somebody else – Robin has a lot of friends."

"I don't" he said quietly.

"You never did. You were popular – of course, I blame the dimple."  
Patrick smirked. "But you have always been slow to let too many people close to you. I think – if you want my dime store psychological assessment – that because you let so few people in, when you do it's very special. It's hard for you to understand how another person can let a lot of people in and I think what you worry about it what Robin having all these friends means about her feelings for you."

Patrick looked at his father and carefully considered his words. There was simply no replacing the importance of having people in your life who knew you well and understood why you made some of the choices you did without you having to explain it.

"What do you think it means about Robin's feelings for me?" he asked curiously.

Noah smiled and patted his cheek. "I think Robin's feelings for you are separate from her feelings for everyone else in her life. If they weren't so important and special to her, she wouldn't be fighting so hard to get things in order."

"Thanks" he whispered. "I kind of needed that reality check."

"That's what fathers are for – even ones who walked away for a while." Noah let out a slow breath. "Patty I love you and I'm proud of you. This house is beautiful and your family is going to grow up surrounded by such love – keep your focus on that and trust that Robin loves you."

*****

Lying in his bed propped up against a stack of pillows Patrick found it difficult to concentrate on the medical journal in his hands as his thoughts continued to return to his conversation with his father.

_Trust that Robin loves you_

It wasn't that he didn't trust her love for him, he just worried if it was enough. Was it possible that too much had happened for them to make it and they would be reduced to being co-parents? He wanted it all and wasn't prepared to settle for less; the problem was it was not within his control to make it happen.

Hearing the door to his room creak open, he looked up from the journal and did a double take as Robin slipped inside.

"H-hey" he stammered. He blinked a few times to make sure his eyes weren't playing tricks on him.

Closing the door behind her she smiled somewhat sheepishly. "Eric let me in."

"How was shopping?"

She nodded. "It was good. It's a good thing Maxie doesn't have my credit limit or she would be in debt up to her eyeballs."

He grinned as he thought of her cousin's taste for things outside her price range. "Did you buy anything?"

Stepping away from the door and towards his bed, she nodded again. "It's kind of why I'm here."

Raising one eyebrow, he looked at her curiously. "Oh?"

Her fingers moved to the buttons on her blouse as she deftly opened all of them in rapid succession letting the silky material fall away and her pink lace bra poke through. The blouse fell to the floor and her hands moved to the buttons on her jeans.

"Robin?" he queried.

With a feline smile she stepped out of her jeans, revealing a complete lack of underwear. "I've been thinking about you and how I want you to touch me" she said huskily, unhooking her bra and tossing it to the growing pile of clothes.

Patrick could feel his arousal harden inside his shorts as he drank in the sight of her standing naked before him; he let his magazine fall to the side as she cupped her breasts and winked at him.

"You're so beautiful" he whispered.

"So are you" she told him, crawling towards him on the bed. "And I'm going to make you feel amazing."

Patrick was not able to respond before she has seized his mouth, kissing him fiercely. Her tongue delved between his lips, sweeping through the velvety softness of his mouth as they tangled together.

He swallowed down a groan as she pressed her breasts against his bare chest. He cupped the back of her head and deepened their kiss before breathlessly breaking apart.

"I th-thought you wanted to wait" he panted.

Pulling back the covers, she straddled his legs as she worked his shorts away from his hips. "I don't want to wait any more" she stated. "I need to feel you hard inside me."

He stiffened almost painfully at her words. "God you're sexy as hell"

He lifted his hips from the bed as she finally pulled his shorts away and tossed them over the side of the bed. A whoosh of breath escaped from his lips as his erection sprang free.

Robin reached for the nightstand and retrieved a condom. Tearing open the small package, she held the top of it delicately between her lips and lowered her head. She wrapped her hand around his shaft and slipped the condom over his head before unrolling it with her tongue, dragging it against the sensitive underside.

"Shit" he hissed as he felt her warm breath envelope him.

Finally let go of him, she raised her and sultrily licked her lips. "I love feeling your hardness in my mouth" she teased.

Unable to take any more, Patrick grabbed her and flipped her underneath him. His lips hovered over hers, his brown eyes dancing with desire. "Any where else you want to feel my hardness?" he asked throatily.

She nodded. "Fuck me" she mouthed.

Not needing a second invitation, he groaned as he claimed her mouth. He thrust deeply inside her and he swallowed down her cry as she felt stretched around him. They moved together in unison, their hips undulating, and their mouths frantically searching each other out. She nipped at his skin leaving a tiny trail of bite marks along his shoulder as they pushed towards the climax.

He kneaded her breasts with a new urgency, desperate to feel her, touch her and taste her. He dragged his tongue along her collar bone before sucking hungrily at the hollow of her neck. She dragged her fingers down his back, urging him to thrust harder. He heeding her request and they filled the room with their cries of passion as they tumbled over the precipice and collapsed together.

They glistened in a sheen of sweat and both panted, sucking in as much air as they could.

"I love you" she whispered against his ear. "I love the way you make me feel."

"I love you too" he told her in a series of shuddering, serrated breaths.

Patrick suddenly woke up and groaned in disappointment at his empty room. He took the journal that had fallen against his chest when he had drifted off and tossed it against the wall in frustration.

Rolling on to his side, he grabbed the extra pillow and tugged it against his chest. He wished it was Robin in his bed and in his arms.

"Soon Robin" he whispered to himself. "Soon."


	154. Chapter 161

**Chapter 161**

You are the one 

Bustling through the front door after a long day in court, Alexis stopped in her tracks as she saw Eric, still in scrubs, stretched out asleep on her sofa with Kristina curled up next to him. Having heard the door open, Viola emerged from the kitchen.

"Kristina wasn't feeling well and so she called Doctor Eric to come over."

She smiled bemusedly. "Oh she did?"

Viola nodded. "Her stomach was a little upset and when I told her that we couldn't call you because you were in court, she picked up the phone and called him herself."

Alexis shook her head at the boldness of her daughter. "Poor Eric" she said quietly, "he was working a 36 hour shift this week." Walking down the steps to the couch, she carefully and gently picked up her daughter and carried her to her bedroom.

As she lay Kristina down, her eyes fluttered open. "Mommy" she said softly.

Alexis kissed her head. "Hi sweetheart. How are you feeling?"

"Okay. I had dragons in my tummy but Eric gave me some medicine to make them go to sleep."

"I'm glad to hear that. You like him, don't you?"

With sleepy eyes, she nodded. "I love him"

Smiling, she tucked her daughter in. "Me too Kristina. And I love you – feel better."

The young girl drifted back to sleep and as Alexis left her room she pulled the door shut behind her. Returning to the living room, she found Eric sitting up wiping the sleep from his eyes.

"Hey" he greeted her sleepily.

Flopping down beside him, she cupped his chin and kissed him softly. "You're amazing."

"Because I gave your daughter some Dramamine?"

Shaking her head, she slipped her hand inside his and entwined their fingers. "Because you came when she called even though you're exhausted."

He shrugged. "I like Kristina and Molly"

"I think the feeling is mutual," she replied with a smile. "Listen why don't you go and lie down for a while and I'll order some dinner and wake you when it gets here."

Eric waggled his eyebrows. "Why don't you come and lie down with me?" He stole a kiss and tugged her closer to him.

"I need to finish up some paperwork from today" she told him. "And there's something I'd like to talk to you about later so go have a nap and then we can have dinner together."

He furrowed his brow together and gave her a questioning look. Having reconciled after their argument, he felt closer to her than ever before. His feelings for her ran deeper than he had even realized and he knew that he had met his match; he did not want to do anything to endanger that.

"What do you want to talk about?" he asked, swallowing down his nervousness.

"We can talk about it later" she demurred.

Bringing her hand to his mouth, he kissed it gently. "Sleep is out of the question now – tell me what's up."

Taking a deep breath and slowly letting it go, she smiled nervously. "Well you know they haven't been able to find a foster family for Josh."

"Not many people, even veterans of the system, want to take on a heavy care kid."

She nodded. "I was speaking to a contact of mine at CFS and while they normally don't let unmarried couples take in a child – under the right circumstances – they would make an exception in this case."

His blue eyes widened hopefully. "Do you … do you know of someone?"

Alexis tucked her hair behind her ears and nodded. "Us" she said quietly.

"Wh-wh…." He stammered trying to process the information. "But – we don't live together."

Her mouth in a half smile, her throat suddenly dry, she exhaled. "So move in with me."

Eric looked at her with a mixture of disbelief and shock. "Alexis – you….you can't ask me that."

"Why not? You love me, you love my kids – I love you. Half your clothes are here – move in with me."

His mind raced and swirled in complete confusion as he tried to understand what was happening. "You can't ask me to move in with you so we can foster Josh."

Cupping his face, she brushed her lips against his. "I'm not. I'm asking you to move in with me because I love you – because I want to go to bed every night in your arms and wake up every morning together. I'm asking you to move in with me because I want us to build a life together. Fostering Josh would be happy benefit."

He shook his head. "But what about Molly and Kristina? This would be a big adjustment for them – Josh needs a lot of attention."

"I think it would be good for them," she countered. "And Josh and Kristina are the same age. It would be good for Josh to be around other children."

His blue eyes shimmered with tears unspilled. "Lexie-"

"Eric, if you don't want this – living together or fostering Josh – that's okay. You can say no. I just wanted to let you know the option was there – on both counts."

Blowing out his cheeks, he slipped an arm around her waist and pulled her towards him. "You are the most important person in my life" he told her throatily. "You – our relationship means everything to me and I'm not willing to let anything get in the way of that. It's taken me a while to realize it but I have been waiting my whole life to meet you. I do want us to live together – to build a life – but what if it's too much too soon."

Her heart leaping at his words, she kissed him passionately in response. "We're just going to foster him – to start with – and if it proves to be too much for him or for us then we'll reassess – provided this is what you want."

A stray tear escaped from his eye and he brushed it away as he shook his head. "I don't know what to say."

"Say that you're going to bring the rest of your things here. Because regardless of Josh, I'd really like you to move in."

Cupping her face, he fastened his mouth to hers in a hard, long kiss. Pulling away breathlessly, he stroked his thumbs along her cheeks. "You are the greatest gift I've ever received" he whispered.

"Is that a yes?"

Her eyes welled with tears as she realized her search for a partner and a lover had come to an end. She had finally let her walls down enough to let someone in and despite bumps along the way, it was the healthiest relationship she had ever had.

"Yes."

*****  
"I'm not late am I?" Patrick asked with urgency as he slipped through the door of the exam room.

Lying on the exam table, Robin smiled and shook her head. "No – Kelly hasn't been in yet."

"Okay" he nodded, catching his breath. "How are you?"

"Not very good"

His eyes went wide with worry. "Wh-what do you mean?"

"You haven't kissed me yet" she answered with a sly look on her face.

Patrick shook his head as he walked towards her. "It's not nice to scare the father of your baby" he admonished jokingly. Leaning in, he kissed her exquisite softness leaving his lips to hover over hers until the exam room door opened and Kelly cleared her throat.

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, are how babies are made"

Not quite ready to step away from Robin, Patrick shot her a look over his shoulder. "If that's what you believe Kelly, then you've been doing it wrong – it takes a whole lot more to make a baby – I could explain it to you if you like" he teased.

Rolling her eyes she sighed in mock exasperation. "Yeah, like I'm going to take lessons from you."

"One shot Kel – all I needed was one shot."

"Hey!" Robin slapped his arm playfully. "You make it sound like I had nothing to do with it. If I remember correctly I did quite a bit of work that night too."

He winked at her. "You sure did and you were very good at it."

He had taken his father's words to heart and was trying very hard to let go of his frustration and simply trust that they were on the right path. He wanted to be in the moments with her, be present in every way that mattered and not let this detour derail him. Learning to accept that not everything was within his control was hard but being loved by Robin was worth it.

Kelly covered her ears with her hands. "Can we not do the play by play of conception night? Pleeeease??"

Patrick smirked as he lowered himself into the chair next to the exam table. "Don't start what you can't finish."

"Do you want to see your baby's heartbeat or should I just go to my next patient."

"We'll be good!" Robin replied. "I promise! – er, we promise!"

Grinning, Kelly pulled the ultrasound machine over to the table and gently lifted Robin's gown and inserting the Doppler, carefully moved it around.

Robin reached for Patrick's hand and brining it to her lips, gently kissed it. They both kept their eyes glued to the screen as a small almost indecipherable image came into view.

"Is that it?" Robin asked anxiously.

Nodding, Kelly examined the image on the screen. "Your baby is measuring at the 8 week mark and everything looks good." She turned the monitor towards them and pointed to the screen. "That's the heartbeat"

They both stared in wide-eyed wonderment at the tiny dot on the screen. Tears poured silently from Robin's eyes and Patrick swallowed thickly as she pulled him closer to her.

"Our baby" she whispered.

"Yeah" he replied hoarsely.

Turning her head away from the screen and towards him, she gave him a tearful smile. "We're having a baby – we're really having a baby."

He pressed his lips to her forehead. "We sure are" he rasped.

Kelly removed the probe and pulled Robin's gown down. "Everything is fine and on track," she said. "I'll give you guys a couple of minutes and I'll meet you in my office."

Patrick brushed Robin's tears away and their eyes remained locked on each other as they stared in wordless awe. Bringing her hand to the back of his head, she drew him down towards her and kissed him with such passion and love.

"I love you" she told him with her lips pressed to his. "I can't believe we've made this life together and you are the only person that I want to make a life with."

Her words were like a balm on his frazzled spirit and he nuzzled her neck, whispering kisses against her soft skin. "We are a family."

"Yes we are" she said confidently, running her fingers along his brow. "Bound by love, forever."


	155. Chapter 162

**Chapter 162**

And I'll watch you smile  
And we'll hide away  
And let all the world go by

"I can't believe you had Kelly print out a picture" Robin teased as Patrick followed her through the door of her apartment. "It's like two incomprehensible dots"

Looking up from the picture he was holding in his hands, he frowned. "Don't talk about our child like that," he joked. "Those dots are the beginning of something amazing."

She grinned as he leaned against the back of the couch. "You're kind of swoon-worthy when you get all daddy-like"

Cocking an eyebrow, he looked at her in amusement. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," she nodded, walking towards him. Standing on her tip toes she softly kissed his lips, sweeping her tongue across the seam of his mouth. "Very swoon-worthy."

Patrick sighed happily as he returned her kiss before reluctantly letting go of her lips. He wanted to keep kissing her but given that celibacy was not a natural state for him he doubted he would be able to control himself if he gave into his desire for her. Pulling himself to his feet, he walked to the kitchen and put the picture on the fridge. He traced his finger along the outline of the image and smiled to himself. Just when he didn't think he could love her any more than he did, he came face to face with the life they created and felt his heart soar. Feeling Robin's arms slid around his waist, he smiled and covered her hands with his own.

She kissed his shoulder and stared at the addition to her fridge door. "We're having a baby" she said wondrously.

He nodded. "Yup."

Looking up at him, she trailed her fingertips along his jaw line feeling the small beginnings of stubble pushing forth. "I know it's been hard lately but I hope you know that as hard as this is, I wouldn't trade that-" she pointed to the ultrasound photo, "-our baby - for anything. I never...I....." her voice trailed off.

She wanted to tell him about her therapy, about the root issues she had been dealing with but trying to voice it to him was proving to be almost impossible. As she had felt his hand squeeze hers when they saw the heartbeat on the screen, she felt her heart respond in kind. There was safety in Patrick holding her hand and in being loved by him. Regardless of the mud she was trying to wade through, she knew that his love was a once in a lifetime gift. And their baby - unexpected as it was - was a confirmation of the miracles love could produce.

"I know" he reassured her with a gentle kiss.

She missed him - missed being with him. He was never afraid to touch her or kiss her or hold her hand. He was never afraid to love her or take her over the edge in waves of pleasure. While in Paris she had, at times, gone years without being touched or desired and until you went without, until you had been told overtly and covertly that you were undesirable it was hard to imagine the power of touch or the intoxication of being loved.

Taking hold of his belt buckle she pulled him towards him and tipped her head up to kiss him. Taken by surprise at her bossy gesture, Patrick smiled at her and kissed her passionately. Panting slightly as they broke apart, he ran his thumb along her soft, bottom lip.

"Do you want to grab some lunch?" he asked, well aware of her grip on his belt.

She shook her head. "No. I want...I want you."

"Robin" he replied, the tone in his voice was a warning. "You....you asked for space."

"I know" she smiled weakly, "and I'm not trying to play head games. I just...I want to feel your skin on my mine Patrick. I want to feel us moving together - I want to taste you and touch you."

He shifted uncomfortably as his body started to react to her words. "Robin" he repeated throatily.

She slipped her hand underneath his t-shirt and stroked his taut abdomen, sending a shiver through him. "Please. We just....we just saw our baby and....and I miss you."

Patrick knew he should resist, that he should walk away - a better man would. But he didn't want to be a better man. He wanted to get lost in her, he wanted to drive her wild and hear her call his name. He wanted to feel her come apart against him, shuddering and shaking. He stared her, his eyes growing heavy with desire and sucked in a breath before crashing his mouth over hers. Slipping a hand around her waist and over her bottom he pulled her towards him, lifting her off the ground.

Robin wrapped her legs around his hips, pressing her body into his as they moved towards the bedroom. His mouth moved insistently against hers and she met every movement with her own. She gently coaxed his lips apart, thrusting her tongue inside and in that brief instant they shared the same breath. She sucked his tongue into her mouth and he moaned as it was enveloped in the velvety heat.

Kicking the bedroom door shut behind him, he laid her on the bed and swiftly pulled off his t-shirt, balling it and tossing it to the side. Robin matched his efforts and threw her shirt to where his was. They both kicked off their jeans but as Robin moved to remove her bra,  
Patrick shook his head.

"Let me" he told her.

He crawled towards her on the bed and gently traced his fingers along the swell of her breasts straining against their lacy confines. Biting her bottom lip, Robin leaned forward and buried her head in his neck. Her nipples were hard and turgid and pushing at her bra. He ghosted kisses along her collar bone as he slid the straps down her arms before reaching behind her and flicking open the clasp. Pulling the bra from her, he tossed it over his shoulder as he lowered his head to her chest and sucked gently first on one nipple and then the other. She gasped, her back arching and pushing more of her towards him.

As though they had been starving and finally finding a cache of food, they went at each other with alacrity. Their hips rocked together as she bit down on his shoulder, responding to his ministrations. Wanting to taste him, she tangled her hand in his hair and drew his head back to her and kissed him hard and wantonly. He groaned as he felt her hand wrap around his arousal and stroke him.

"God Robin" he panted.

"You feel so good in my hand" she said huskily, "so hard and strong."

He nipped at the soft skin of her neck, moaning. The vibrations travelled through her body, setting her on fire. He fastened his mouth to hers as his hand travelled the length of her body, his fingers slipping inside her. His thumb brushed against the sensitive bundle of nerves causing her hips to come off the bed; she bit her lip again to keep from crying out. Kissing his way down her body, he paused at her stomach and dropped the softest, most delicate kiss in the middle.

"Hi baby" he whispered.

Robin threaded her hands through his hair and smiled lovingly at him. Continuing his journey, he kissed the softness of her thighs before covering her sex in tiny kisses. Her body was humming and he was painfully aware of his erection begging for attention.

Knowing his body well, Robin reached into the nightstand for a condom and pressed it into his hand. Kneeling up, he tore open the small packet and sheathed himself quickly. Tugging her on to her side they lay facing each other, chests heaving and eyes glassy with desire. She cupped his face and nibbled on his lips.

"I love you so much Patrick."

It was as though he received assurance and permission all at once. With a hand on her hip, he entered her and they both cried out in pleasure at being joined together again. They moved, rocked and undulated in unison as they built towards their climaxes. Feeling her tighten around him, he let go and called out for her. Her nails dug into his shoulders as his name tore from her lips as she followed him over the edge.

Breathless and boneless, they lay tangled together; the sheets were a mess around them. Finally feeling like his world was back on its axis,  
Patrick lazily stroked her back and pressed his lips to the top. "I can't wait until we're married and living as a family" he said quietly.

A familiar feeling of panic and terror whipped through her and her brown eyes flew open. She was sure he could feel her heartbeat thundering beneath her ribs. "Yeah" she agreed in a strangled voice, "me too."


	156. Chapter 163

**Chapter 163**

I just want to find a heart like mine

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Patrick watched as his friend carefully and precisely folded his clothes before neatly placing them in his suitcase. In all the years he had known Eric he had always been like this - deliberate and careful; he thrived on order and hated chaos. He was similar though admittedly got more of a thrill by pushing things to the edge than he did.

"So when will Josh get to go home with you and Alexis?" he asked, noticing the small smile that formed on his friend's face.

"Next week," he replied, adding another sweater to the pile. "They're going to do a couple of interviews with our friends - like you - to confirm that we're not freaks."

Patrick smirked. "So are you saying I shouldn't tell them about your porn collection 'Naughty Pirates of the Caribbean'?" Laughing, he caught the sweater that flew at his head. "So listen...."

Hearing the change in tone in his voice, Eric stopped packing and cautiously looked over at him. "Yeah?"

"Are you sure?"

Sinking down beside him on the bed, he scrunched up his face. "About Josh or Alexis?"

Patrick nervously rubbed his hands along his jeans. It wasn't really in his nature to question Eric's choices - of the two of them he had always been more together - but he had had a glimpse over the last few weeks of how he had been beaten up emotionally and he wanted to ensure he wasn't setting himself up for more of the same. He was his best friend and there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for him.

With a small shrug he answered. "Both, I suppose."

Eric rubbed his hand across his mouth as he contemplated his answer. "I'm very sure of Alexis," he began quietly, "I mean...I don't think I've ever been in love like this before"

"Not even with Karen?" he asked, his mind drifting back to the manipulative letter he had discovered.

He shook his head. "Not even with her. As for Josh," he blew his cheeks out. "I...I want to make things better for him. Alexis has convinced me that it's okay to want this and to have it."

"But?"

"But it all feels so unstable" he finished softly.

"And you hate that."

Eric chuckled. "Hell yeah. What about you? How did it go at Robin's appointment?"

A happy, wondrous smile appeared on his face. "We saw the heartbeat"

Clapping him on the back, Eric grinned. "That's awesome."

"It was," he nodded. "To know that we've created this life - to see it on a screen-" He paused and grimaced slightly. "Is it....is it okay that I-"

"It's fine" he interjected. "Pantsy, I'm happy for you and I think it's great that you're going to be a dad. I'm happy that you've found those roots that you've been looking for."

His cheeks flushed slightly as he thought back to the night before and how he and Robin had loved each other so passionately and deeply. She provided the roots and he had planted himself beside her hoping their roots would entwine and wrap around each other the years to come. Their relationship felt stronger than it had since she discovered she was pregnant. He was under no illusions that there was still a road to travel but he believed that the worst was over.

"I'm going to show her the house" he admitted shyly.

"Really?"

Patrick nodded. He had been waiting for jus the right moment to tell her about it - to show her the plans he was making for their family and after last night felt that he had finally received it.

"Yeah - later this week. I'm going to decorate it a little and then show it to her."

"You're sure?"

Patrick gave him a curious look. "Very sure. We're back on track." He grinned sloppily as he glanced at his friend. "Smitty, we've come a long way from our days in the City - we're on the verge of having it all and I don't know about you but I can't wait."

*****  
Looking at the ultrasound picture, Alexis smiled and then looked at Robin. "Those are some pretty impressive dots" she teased.

Giggling, Robin nodded as she reached for her glass of Perrier. "I know. Patrick was acting like he could see a Nobel Prize winner in them."

"So he was excited?"

She leaned back against the couch and absently rubbed her belly. "More than excited. Alexis, I was sure that he wouldn't want this but he....he's embraced it so fully and completely."

"He loves you" she reminded her gently.

"I know and I love him."

Taking a long sip from her wine glass, she studied her friend carefully. "I sense some hesitation."

"About loving him? No" she shook her head. "I am so clear about my feelings for him."

"Then what is it you're unclear about?"

Robin shrugged. Being intimate with him again after their time apart had been both a blessing and a curse. The depth of her feelings for him were so firmly entrenched but his talk about marriage and a future together had produced a strong panic in her. His confidence about marriage and raising a family jarred her because she did not have the same surety. Rarely in her life had her feelings been at war with each other the way they are now.

"What would you do if Eric kept talking about marriage?" she asked, avoiding Alexis' question.

"Tell him the kind of ring I want," she joked before taking on a serious tone "Robin, discussions about marriage have to happen in the clear light of day with both people being honest about what they want - and I say this as someone who has been married a couple of times. And if Eric kept talking about it then he and I would have to talk about why it's important to him and if it's important to me." Setting her glass down, she pulled her legs underneath her. "Do you not want to be married?"

Her heart beat loudly in her chest and she took several deep breaths to push the fear down. "I don't know. I always thought I did but I also never thought it would happen."

"And now that it can you've realized it's a scary prospect?"

She chuckled softly. "Something like that. Do you know I've never seen a marriage last - regardless of how much love there was?"

"Loving, faithful marriages are not as common as they once were" she agreed, "but they do happen - they take work but they happen. Have you told Patrick that marriage might not be for you?"

Regretfully, she shook her head. "I'm not ready to say that yet. Marriage is important to him - despite his rebellious veneer, Patrick is a traditionalist. He wants what his parents had. He wants the formality of rings and ceremony and paperwork. And if I tell him I don't then how do we compromise? One of us would have to give up everything that matters to us on the issue and that's not fair."

"Sounds like an impasse" she quietly observed.

Robin nodded as her eyes pricked with tears. "I want to want to marry him. I want to believe that forever with him won't end with him hating me or feeling trapped but I haven't figured out how to do that yet. My love for him is so strong but I don't know how to translate it in to more."

"Have you told him that?"

She gave a small shake of her head.

"That's not like you" Alexis rebuked her gently. "Robin you are always honest and it's not like you to keep the truth from people, especially Patrick."

A small scoff escaped her lips. "That's not entirely true - I've kept the truth from him a couple of times as he has done to me. I mean we are mostly honest with each other but when either of us seems to hit a personal crisis the first thing we do is shut the other person out."

"Have you guys ever really hashed that out?"

"We've talked about it."

Alexis shook her head. "No, I mean clear the air - get all the ugly up the surface. Have you told him what it felt like for you the day he walked out? Because Robin, I'm no psychologist but that day he became one more person who left you - even if it was temporary. So maybe the reason you can't see yourself marrying him is because despite how much you love him, you've already seen him leave once and your well developed survival instincts aren't letting you go there again. And has he talked to you about how he felt when he found out about your new protocol? Maybe he wants to marry you so badly because he caught a glimpse of how fleeting your health can be and he figures if he marries you, ties you to him somehow, then he can stop the inevitable."

Several stray tears trickled down her face and Robin swiped at them. "I should be paying you instead of Lainey."

She laughed. "Uh, no. But as someone who comes from a twisted family I am well versed about getting in my own way to kill my own happiness and sometimes it makes it easier to see it in others."

"Seems like you're getting out of your own way these days" she told her kindly.

"I am but it's not easy. But I have finally found someone worth fighting my demons for. He takes me exactly as he finds me, as I do him and then we build on that. Kind of like you and Patrick" she remarked.

Robin smiled at the observation. "I don't want to disappoint him but....Alexis I can't move any faster than I am right now and I'm worried he's running out of patience"

"Then you need to tell him" she encouraged. "You need to tell him everything. His reactions may not be what you want them to be at first - there are no right reactions to this - but there is too much love between you for it not to work out."

She sighed heavily. "You're right. Later this week I'll tell him"


	157. Chapter 164

**Chapter 164**

All the anger and the eloquence are bleeding into fear

Glancing nervously at his watch, Patrick realized he was running short on time to finishing setting up everything the way he wanted before he picked Robin up. He shook out the large plaid wool blanket and laid it on the floor of the living room. Sprinting to the kitchen he retrieved the picnic basket he had stored there and brought it back to the living room, setting it down by the blanket. Grabbing a lighter, he set about quickly lighting the 60 or so pillar candles he had strategically placed around the living room.

In the week since the doctor's appointment – and the night they spent together – it had been a struggle to find time beyond grabbing a quick cup of coffee in the cafeteria. Their schedules seemed to be at odds with each other, overlapping or on opposite shifts but they were both free this night and Patrick had asked her for dinner. She had readily accepted his invitation and he was excited about showing her the house.

Having lit the last of the candles, he stepped back and appraised the room; it definitely set a scene. Experience in romantic gestures was lacking for him but he felt that this was a pretty good effort and could not wait to see her expression when she realized the house she had marvelled at and raved about for months was now their new family home.

Bolting from the house, he quickly locked the door behind him and jumped into his car, on his way to pick her up. This was going to be a turning point for them.

****  
Pacing anxiously in her apartment, sure she was wearing a hole through the floorboards Robin rubbed her clammy hands on her dress. Her conversation with Alexis over dinner, earlier in the week, had left her with much food for thought and she knew her friend was right. She needed to tell Patrick that discussions and plans for the future needed to be put on hold for a while longer and they needed to deal with all the residual ache left from the last year. It was going to be a difficult and unpleasant conversation – she knew already that he would be disappointed – but it had to be done.

Her head jerked up as his key slipped in the door and she swallowed down the large, acrid lump that had formed in her throat. A small whoosh of breath escaped from her throat as he came through the door. He was dressed in pale blue cashmere turtleneck and a pair of dark jeans. When he smiled at her, his dimple almost winked in invitation and for a moment she was incapable of any thought, save for – he was beautiful and she loved him.

"Hi" he greeted her confidently, his Drake confidence in full flight.

His brown eyes danced lightly as he drank her in. She was wearing a dark cranberry shift dress and while he knew it was too early for her to be showing, he could swear her body was filling out and the sight of her new curves left him breathless.

"Hi" she replied quietly as she reached for her purse.

Walking to him she was taken by surprise as he suddenly cupped her cheeks and kissed her with such fervour. Her knees trembled in response and she found herself gripping the waist band of his jeans to stay upright.

"That's a hell of a kiss" she joked as she regained her bearings.

"It's just what you do to me" he told her, slipping his hand through hers. "Ready?"

Grabbing her wrap, she nodded. "You still haven't said where we're going"

"It's a surprise" he told her breezily. "A new place in town, I'm sure you're going to love it."

There was something in the tone of her voice that gave her pause but she chalked it up to her own nerves. Reaching in to the pocket of her dress where she had pinned the Michael the Archangel medallion, she gave it a small rub for strength for what was to come.

*****  
"I don't understand why a blindfold is necessary" she told him pawing at the dark scarf covering her eyes.

"Where's your sense of adventure?" he teased. "The girl who can kill a snake with a machete is discomforted by a little blindfold?"

"I just don't get it" she whined.

She wondered if he was taking her to the cabin and that filled her with a sense of dread. The cabin held so many special memories, not the least being it was where they conceived their child and she didn't know if she would be able to tell him what she needed to tell him in a room filled with milestones.

As the car came to a stop she realized they had not driven far enough to be at the cabin and she found her stomach pitching and rolling as she tried to figure out where they were. Her door opened and she felt Patrick's hand on her arm as he helped from the car. He guided her along a walkway and up a few steps. She heard a door open and wherever they had entered, it was deathly quiet. Their shoes clacked against the wood floor as he led her down a step.

"Ready?" he asked.

Her heart was thumping loudly and she wasn't sure she was ready for what lay on the other side of the blindfold but what choice did she have?

"Yes"

She could feel the heat from his body as he stood behind her, undoing the knot of the scarf. She could smell the light scent of his aftershave and it made her dizzy with desire – as it always did. As the soft material fell from her eyes, she blinked several times trying to adjust to the low lighting in the room. It was ablaze in candlelight and a beautiful picnic basket was set out in the middle of the floor with a blanket.

Disoriented, she turned and looked out the window and as trepidation welled up inside her, she understood exactly where she was.

Patrick smiled lovingly at her as he took her hand. "Welcome home"

Her lips parted and she exhaled heavily. "What the hell have you done?"

Staggering back two steps, he looked at her in shock. "Wh-what d-do you mean?"

"Please tell me you haven't bought this house" she pleaded, her heart beating wildly in her throat. Her hands shook and she could feel her eyes well with tears.

"I d-did" he stammered quietly. "For us – for our family."

She stamped her foot. "How could you?"

He shook his head in bewilderment. "How could I? You love this house. You've made me walk by this house almost every night for six months – you talked about it being the perfect family house."

"You bought a house for me?"

"Not for you. For our family – Robin we have a baby coming-"

"I'm well aware of that, thank you." As her fear grew, so did her sarcastic tone.

"I don't understand why you're upset." Patrick jammed his hands in his pockets to hide the trembling.

"Because you bought a house without consulting me! Because I'm struggling to come to terms with stuff and you're off planning our future like it's only a matter of time until I catch up."

"Isn't it?" he asked, "Isn't it only a matter of time? I asked you to marry me once and you told me you weren't ready but asked me to ask you again – you've asked me to be patient as you are working through the issues that have suddenly bubbled to the forefront and you did so suggesting that you are or were working towards us being together permanently. Is…is that not true?"

Her head was spinning and she could feel her throat closing up. "Permanent doesn't have to mean marriage" she said in a small voice.

Patrick's eyes widened in shock. "So you don't want to get married or you don't want to get married to me?"

"Patrick-"

"NO! Which is it Robin because you have been sending a whole lot of mixed messages and it's time for a little clarity. Is it that you don't want to get married or you don't want to marry me?"

"Patrick"

"WHICH is it?"

"I DON'T KNOW!" she shouted back.

An eerie silence fell over the room as Patrick walked to the large bay window and sank down on the sill. He stared at her in disbelief, almost not recognizing the woman leaning against the archway.

Robin swiped at the hot tears that had escaped her eyes and stole a glance at him. Not for the first time was she discovering that the truth, while necessary, didn't always set you free; sometimes you just traded one set of restraints for another.

"I'm sorry" she told him quietly.

"For what? For finally being honest with me? Or for letting me believe that we were going to be a family?"

"Marriage isn't the only definition of family. I should know – I grew up in several variations of families."

"Yeah well, I didn't." Exhaling quietly, he tiredly rubbed his hands over his face. "How long were you going to string me along?"

"I am NOT stringing you along!"

"Really?" he challenged. "Cause from here it feels like you are. And I mean, how would I know? You never tell me anything – you talk to Lainey, you talk to Alexis, you talk to Brenda – hell you even talk to David-"

"Darren"

"Whatever. You talk to them – I'm sure if I asked they could all tell me what exactly it is you're struggling with but I can't. But then again why should I be able to? I'm just the guy you fuck."

She crossed the room in four angry strides and the sound of her hand hitting his cheek echoed throughout. "Don't you dare – don't you dare try and vulgarize our relationship. You have never been that guy – EVER!"

Patrick didn't even bother to rub the red handprint on his cheek; he simply stared at her defiantly.

"You share with everyone but me" he told her coldly, "that says a lot about what you think of me."

"Well given how much you share with me I guess that puts us even, doesn't it?"

"I didn't realize it was a competition."

"Patrick – you want everything on your terms and your timetable. You didn't tell me about your tumour for weeks! I needed your best friend to tell me because you wouldn't. You hid tremors and your failing health until it was no longer possible."

"And you hid a rising viral load and a change in protocol" he shot back. "You don't trust me."

She shook her head. "It's not that I don't trust you, I can't trust you." Her hand flew to her mouth as the words had escaped before her brain could catch up.

Breathless, Patrick lurched to his feet and walked to the other side of the room. "Feel better?" he snarked.

"No" she replied honestly. "But I am being honest."

"Good f-f-for you – want a medal?"

Her cheeks burned at his tone. He was like a wounded animal striking out and knowing she had caused the wound only cut deeper. "You left" she said quietly. "You left me in a heap on the floor of the apartment and no matter how much I love you – and I DO love you – I just...."

"You don't believe I wouldn't do it again" he finished sadly for her.

"It doesn't mean I don't love you" she cried softly as tears streamed down her face. "Because I do. Patrick I have never loved anyone like I love you."  
He laughed bitterly. "Too bad it's not enough though, right?"

"I need more time"

"So take it," he sniffed. "Take all the time you need and maybe when enough time has passed you'll find someone you can trust."

Robin gasped. "Wh-what are you saying?"

"I'm saying I'm done." His brown eyes shimmered with tears as he stared at her. "I love you but if you don't trust me then we don't have anything. I feel like a fool but I'm grateful that you've finally been honest with me."

"Patrick! That's not what I mean" Her head throbbed and her heart was cracking.

He shrugged in defeat. "I love you," he repeated. "I love you and our baby and I am going to be very present in our child's life but I don't know how to be the man you need me to be-"

"You ARE that man!" she cried, unable to stem the tears.

"Apparently not. So….I'm done."

As he walked around the room and blew out the candles, Robin couldn't help but feel he was extinguishing their relationship with the same breath.

"Grab your coat" he told her flatly, "I'll take you home."


	158. Chapter 165

**Chapter 165**

It gets harder and harder each day

Coming through the door of Jake's, Eric paused in the entrance and watched as his best friend attempted to peel the label from his beer bottle. Grimacing, he inhaled sharply and walked to his table.

"What up Pantsy?" he asked, sliding in to the chair opposite him.

Patrick looked up, slightly cross-eyed and smirked. "You owe me a car. You owe me a brand new silver Audi TT with aluminum V6 spark-ignition engine, gasoline direct injection and t-t-t-two stage variable intake manifold."

Folding his arms across his chest he gave him a curious look. "I do, do I? How do you figure?"

"Five" Pausing, he looked at the four fingers he was holding up and frowned. Taking another moment, he put up his thumb. "Five years ago you bet me I would fall in love one day and it would be worth it. You...you t-told me that it would be the most amazing experience of my life and if...if it wasn't you'd buy me the car of my choice. So pay up Schmitty" he slurred. "'Cause love shucks."

"What happened at the house?" he asked quietly. Patrick's pain and sadness was rolling off of him in waves and as he watched him signal to Coleman for another round he worried at just how bad it was.

"We're shre...shre...over." He flopped back against his chair and sighed heavily. "Coleman! Where's my damn drink?"

"She didn't like the house?" he prompted.

Patrick scoffed. "She didn't like me."

Eric studied him carefully. He had seen him close to breaking before and this was all so painfully reminiscent of those times in school when he would return after spending a holiday with his father, or looking for him in a bar or realizing he had broken yet another promise to stay sober. It had driven him to his knees over and over again and when he had finally had enough, he had pulled himself back to his feet and spent his time keeping everyone just out of reach - that is until he met Robin.

"She loves you," he reminded him.

With a bitter laugh, he shook his head. "What the fuck does that matter? She doesn't t-trust me. She thinks I'm going to leave her."

"You did leave her"

Shooting him a dirty look, Patrick reached for the beer bottle Coleman had set down. "I apologized for it."

"Yeah but does she know why you did it?"

He groaned in frustration. As had been the case for so long, the shit hit the fan and he called Eric. In his haste to call him, he momentarily forgot that there was no easy road with his friend, no quiet, unchallenging sympathy - he would make him work.

"It doesn't take a neurshur...neuroshur....brain doctor to know why I left - everyone - including her - knows I left to protect her."

Leaning forward, Eric rested his elbows on the table. "This would be a whole lot easier if you didn't lie to yourself," he told him, holding up his hand and warding off his protest. "You didn't leave to protect her - you left to protect yourself. You were scared Pantsy - as scared as I've ever seen you and for as long as I've known you, you get scared and you run - from people, from places, from memories." He nodded at the empty beer bottles on the table. "Your leaving wasn't about Robin, it was about you - and she knows that."

"I came back" he whispered sadly, "I came back."

"Yeah you did and I was proud of you but Patrick an apology excuses behaviour, it doesn't explain it."

He took a long drink of his beer and banged the bottle on the table, oblivious to the looks from the other patrons. "I want to MARRY her!! I want - for the REST of our lives"

"I know" he reassured him. "Patrick - give her time. I know she loves you - jesus, the whole hospital knows she loves you. She's struggling-"  
With a dismissive wave of his hand, he clenched his eyes shut. "I am so fucking tired of that answer" He reached for his beer and swallowed down another swig. "When my dad was drinking - before I knew you, I was alone. I would clean up his vomit, throw out his empties, make him pot after pot of coffee - I would listen to him cry and weep over my mother's death and I had no one. People would tell me to be patient because he was struggling - they told me to give him space and he would come around-"

"He did"

"Yeah - a decade later. But I couldn't help him and I had no one. It's....it's a weird thing to wait and wait until someone decides you matter enough. This feels a lot like that."

"Dude" In that instant he saw the teenage boy who lost it all in a moment and had been trying to outrun that moment ever since.

"When am I going to be enough Smitty? When is having me in the present going to be worth more than the demons of the past?"

Eric sighed quietly and rubbed his hand over his mouth. "Pantsy, what can I do?"

He smiled wryly as he started to peel the label again. "You aren't going to buy me that Audi, are you?"

With a small chuckle, he shook his head. "No - 'cause I don't think you've won that bet yet."

"You suck" He drained his beer. "I'm off for the next few days - I think I'm ...I'm going to go to the Hamptons and see if I can't figure out what it means to be without Robin."

"I could go with you," he offered. "For a day or so."

Patrick blinked. "You would do that?"

"Of course I would" he told him kindly. "You aren't alone Pantsy – even if it feels like that right now."

"You're my best friend" he told him, getting unsteadily to his feet.

Pushing back his chair, Eric rose to his feet and nodded towards the door. "Come on then, let me give you a ride home."

It had been two days since Patrick brought everything to an end at the house; two days since she pushed him to bring everything to an end and Robin was beginning to think that she would never stop crying. Every time she thought she finally had a grip she would turn around and see some reminder of him and the tears would start anew.

She had sent Brenda an email letting her know that things with Patrick had ended and then ignored every phone call that came to the house. She had hoped in vain that one of the calls might be Patrick but she also knew she had no right to expect that he would call.

Groaning at the insistent pounding at her front door, she shuffled to the door and pulled it open. Seeing Brenda and Alexis standing on the other side, she did a double take.

"Wh-what are you guys-"

Bounding through the door Brenda wrapped her in her arms and hugged her tightly. "You didn't honestly think you could send me that email, ignore my phone calls and I would just do nothing, did you? I brought reinforcements."

Alexis held up a large paper bag. "And I brought ice cream. How are you Robin?"

Dabbing at her eyes with a tissue, she smiled tiredly. "I'm a mess and it's my own damn fault."

Shuffling back to the couch, she flopped down on the cushions and wrapped herself in a blanket. She felt at such loose ends and while grateful for the good intentions of her friends, she would have preferred to be alone.

"First things first," Brenda stated, settling down next to her as Alexis searched for three spoons in the kitchen, "are you take your meds?"

She frowned, shooting her a dirty look. "I'm pregnant, I'm not going to put my…our…baby in jeopardy."

Unfazed by her snappish tone, Brenda pattered on. "That's good. Now, what happened?"

Returning from the kitchen with three bowls, three spoons and a large tube of chocolate chip ice cream, Alexis sank into one of the chairs. "You told him you didn't want to marry him, didn't you?"

Robin shook her head. "Worse than that," she replied bitterly. "I told him that I didn't trust him – that I didn't trust him not to leave me again." She looked from one friend to the other and held up her hands. "So let me have it – tell me how awful I am."

"Being honest doesn't make you awful," Alexis told her quietly.

"And he did leave you once" Brenda pointed out. "Whether he knew it or not, he confirmed one of your worst fears."

Reaching for the bowl of ice cream, she scoffed. "One of my worst fears? I think it's pretty well established that it is my worst fear."

"No it isn't," Brenda corrected gently.

"My fear of mice does not count."

Moving closer to her Brenda slipped her arm around her and gave her a reassuring squeeze. "That isn't what I mean and you know it. Robs, your worst fear isn't him leaving you – it's you leaving him…..and your baby."

The spoon fell against the bowl, the clang echoing loudly in the room. "I would never leave them. Never."

"One day you aren't going to have a choice," she pressed on in the way only a best friend could. "And your worst fear is leaving them the way Stone left you and what that means for all of you. Robs, since the day you were diagnosed with HIV you have been at war with yourself. You have wanted it all but at the same time are terrified of having it because you believe it won't last."

As the tears trickled down her cheeks Robin simply gave up hope at wiping them away and let them run. She had always tried to convince herself that she wasn't a complicated person, that her life was straight forward but she was beginning to understand it was what she had told herself to avoid dealing with some of the emotional complexities her physical realities represented.

"It won't last," she answered hoarsely, "I don't….there's no way…. Who knows how much time I have?"

"Who knows how much time any of us have?" Alexis countered. "Robin, when I was in the hospital last year and shit scared at how tenuous it all was, you were the one that told me that we aren't promised an unlimited amount of tomorrows but that doesn't mean we stop living or loving," she added.

"I said that?"

Alexis nodded, smiling kindly at the young woman.

"I must have been medicated," she joked weakly, "or maybe I should be now."

"Nah," Brenda demurred, "you don't need medication but you do need to figure out what you want."

"I haven't a clue on how to start. I go to therapy, I go to group and I talk until the cows come home but I still can't figure out what I want."

"Do you love him?" Brenda asked.

"Do you have to ask?" she shot back in irritation.

"In fact, I do. Do you love him?" she repeated.

Robin pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. "More than I have loved anyone in my life. He is it for me."

"Then that's where you start" she told her gently.

"Robin," Alexis began, "Patrick isn't without blame here – you guys have both hurt each other and as I said the other night, I think that you need to bring the ugly, uncomfortable moments to the surface and have them out. That's how trust is rebuilt. And I have every confidence you both can do it but you have to decide – actively decide that is what you want."

"I just never thought it would be this hard," she said, her voice thick with sadness.

"I've never known you to be afraid of hard work" Brenda pointed out kindly.

Almost insulted at the implication, Robin sat up straight and glared at her friend. "I'm not – I never said I was."

"There she is" Brenda grinned.

"Who?" Robin asked in bewilderment.

"The kick ass Robin Scorpio that I know and love. If a life with Patrick is what you want, then you're going to get it."

"And we're going to help" Alexis chimed in.

Brenda hugged Robin tightly. "You've waited too long to be this happy and loved Robin, if you want it, you can have it."

Sniffling, she lifted her head from her friend's shoulder and nodded. "I want it."


	159. Chapter 166

**Chapter 166**

It's a lifetime commitment, recovering the satellites

As she pried the lid from her hat box a tiny gasp escaped from her lips. Reaching inside she pulled out the positive pregnancy test and shook her head in wonder; Patrick had obviously slipped it in when he found it, wanting her to have that reminder of when their family began. How could she not trust a man who clearly loved her so very much?

Brenda and Alexis had kept her company long into the night, bolstering both her spirit and confidence as she doubted her ability to trust Patrick or forgive herself. She had finally tumbled into bed, cried out and exhausted, a few hours before sunrise. When she had woken up she felt a renewed energy to deal with what was ahead of her - ahead of them; and as Brenda had reminded her she had never been afraid of hard work. Wanting something, feeling you deserve it and being in a place to have it were all very different things and there was quite a bit of road to cover to get her from where she was to where she wanted to be.

Emptying out the contents of the box on to her bed, she rifled through them and spread them out. There were photos of her childhood, a ring from her godfather, a brooch from her stepfather, Stone's to-do list, a fudge mocha ice cream wrapper, information about HIV, the prayer cards from her parents' funerals, pictures of her and Brenda in all states of silliness and seriousness, letters to Jason that had never been mailed, a photo of Michael Corinthos as a baby and the tassel from her graduation from the Sorbonne. As she glanced at all of it she finally understood with a clarity that had been lacking that the contents of the box were memories - good and bad - but they were also the instigators of her need to run. She and Patrick had issues to work out, of that there was no doubt, but her reasons for not trusting, for not fully putting her faith in another person could be found here among the mementoes.

Rubbing her hand over her stomach, she exhaled. "I tell you what baby, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure your foundation is solid. I think you can jump from the highest heights if you know you can land on solid ground."

Hearing a loud knock at the door she swung her feet to the floor and shuffled out of the bedroom. Opening the door, she found Mac standing on the other side.

He gave her a small smile . "I ran into Brenda at Kelly's. I knew she would only be in town if you needed her so I thought I would come over and see if you needed me too."

The ever-present tears reappeared as she let herself be folded into a warm, familiar embrace. "I always need you." They stood in the doorway, hugging for several moments. "Did Brenda tell you?" she asked, her voice muffled against his shoulder.

"Nope. She was remarkably tight lipped."

Gently extricating herself from his arms, she pulled him over the threshold and closed the door behind him. He followed her to the couch and sitting down carefully studied her face. She was stressed and had been crying - two things that awakened his protective instinct like little else could.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Patrick broke up with me," she replied quietly, offering a weak smile.

"I'll kill him."

"No you won't" she told him, putting her hand on his arm. "I...I pretty much forced his hand."

Mac frowned skeptically. "I doubt that."

"I did" she insisted. "He wants to get married and raise our family together - he even bought a house - one that I love."

"And you don't want that?" he asked in confusion.

She sighed heavily. "I want to want it. I mean I do want it...I just...I just feel like there is so much standing in the way of me having it."

"Like what?" he probed carefully.

"Like I told him I didn't trust him."

"Is that true?"

Tucking her hair behind her ears, she gave a small nod. "I...I don't trust that he won't leave and when I told him that he said he was done. And I don't blame him."

"Yeah, well I do" Mac grumbled, briefly envisioning a small act of revenge.

"Uncle Mac you can't. He gave me everything I asked for - time and space for starters - and then I asked for more. Everyone has their limits."

"So...so where does this leave things?"

She absently rubbed her stomach. "I'm not giving up on being with him but I'm beginning to understand that....I mean I'm still furious about him leaving when he was sick and we're going to have to have that out one of these days but me not trusting him to leave me goes way deeper than that."

A thousand tiny knives stabbed at his heart as he listened to her. He had had a front row to almost all of her life and had watched helplessly as people she loved and who claimed to love her floated in and out of her life. He knew there had been consequences for it but he had not imagined that they were this profound.

"What are you going to do Robin?"

"Everything I have to" she answered tearfully. "Dealing with this might be the most important thing I do. I have to slay my own dragons and when I do then I can be with Patrick in the way we should be. When I do, I will be able to give our child the life and the example that they need."

He kissed her forehead. "Sweetheart, you are already a great example to any child."

Smiling, she placed her hand against his chest. "You've always been my number one supporter and it has meant - it means - everything to me. But I've slowly and rather painfully been learning that it is a horrible feeling to be so afraid of being left behind that you will do anything, including sabotaging yourself and your happiness to make sure it doesn't happen."

"Like pushing people away and closing yourself off?"

"Yeah. Like running away to Paris and not coming home for years and years, like turning down dates or accepting with people you have no business going out with. I know that I can survive being left behind - I've done it more times than I can count but I'm tired of just surviving. It's not nearly as romantic or inspirational as people think it is. I want to be happy," she admitted hoarsely, "I want to be with Patrick and our baby and I want to be the woman he deserves."

Mac slid his arm around her shoulders and she snuggled in next to him. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "Well you know I already think you are more than any man deserves." Robin chuckled. "But I'm proud of you for wanting to do this."

She sighed quietly. "It's going to be hard."

"Yeah."

"And even when I'm done sorting myself out there's not guarantee that he'll be waiting for me or even still want a life with me. I know that I've hurt him, I know it but....I have to try," she rasped. "I have to try because he's worth the risk."

"What can I do?" he asked her softly.

"I may need you to hold me up from time to time."

"You are my niece and I love you. I could not love you more if you were my own child. I'll be with you every step of the way."

Leaning her head against his shoulder, she fingered the claddagh necklace that still hung around her neck. She and Patrick had talked about its symbolism more than once - she wore around her neck and he had it etched over his heart - and they both agreed that it was who they were to each other and to themselves. She thought back to those days after April Gilbert's death when she could barely put one foot in front of the other as she kept tripping over ghosts. He had believed in her, he had been sure she would come through it and he was right. If she was going to trust him, she was going to have to trust herself first; that was the first step to getting back to Patrick and she was finally ready to take it.


	160. Chapter 167

**Chapter 167**

I thought we'd be family together

His shoulders ached and his mouth hung open in a desperate attempt to suck in more air and send it to his fatigue muscles. His black wifebeater was soaked through and clung to him like a second skin. Despite the sting from the perspiration dripping into his eyes he continued to drive punch after punch into the heavy bag. He was incapable of thought nor was he picturing anything in particular on the bag as it absorbed one blow after another; he was almost in a trance as he hammered the large, black bag. He would keep punching until the physical pain screamed louder than the emotional.

It had been three days since he arrived in the Hamptons and despite his belief that all he needed was a little thinking time to get some perspective, he found perspective to completely out of reach. It was proving nearly impossible for him to rationalize the abrupt end to the relationship that mattered most to him in the world. He had pulled the plug on it thinking if he freed himself then he could just move on but it was a lie; he knew it then and he knew it now. There was no way to free himself or move on – he was hopelessly and inextricably tangled up in Robin.

_I can't trust you_

Those words cut through him in a way few things could. It wasn't even the first time she had said that to him. The accusation had been hurled when he discovered her protocol had changed and she finally told him that he had left her when he was sick. Rebuilding trust was not something he was familiar with – he had, after all, managed to cut those people who had violated his trust from his life. Maybe that was what Robin was trying to do – maybe she didn't know how to tell him that there was no rebuilding the broken trust between them and so she continued to put up hurdles to them being together. It was enough to make his head spin.

He ploughed his fists into the bag in a final, frustrated flurry before finally sinking to his knees exhausted.

Peeling off the gloves, he tossed them to the side and slowly rose on his shaky knees. He trudged to the shower and stood under the spray for what felt like an eternity, hoping the heat would take away the ache – all of it.

Emerging from the shower, he changed into his jeans and an old faded t-shirt and headed to the kitchen. Retrieving a bottle of water from the fridge, he sank into a chair at the kitchen table and carefully unfolded the letter; he had read it so many times he had practically memorized it but he kept re-reading it in hopes it would provide some clue or clarity that he had not seen.

_This is an incredibly wonderful time in your life. It will mark the end of the selfish life we all lead and the beginning of the selfless one that parenthood requires. It will tough, challenging, rewarding, mystifying and astonishing. It will be worth every sacrifice. And if you're having a moment where you are unsure, where you doubt that you can do this, close your eyes, take a deep breath and know that while love may not solve every problem, every worthwhile solution begins with it. _

He wasn't so sure his mother was right about this one.

"So this is where you're hiding out."

The sound of his father's voice echoing in the kitchen made him jump. Turning around, he shot his father an angry look. "Trying to give me a heart attack?"

"Not at all," Noah replied, taking the seat across from him. "I've been calling your name for about two minutes but you were pretty lost in thought."

His cheeks flushed slightly and he gave him a small, apologetic smile. "Sorry."

"What happened with Robin?" he asked, diving straight to the heart of the matter.

Patrick arched his eyebrow. "How do you know?"

"Why else would you be here without her?"

"How did you know I was here?" he amended his question tightly.

"I was in the caf at the hospital and I saw Robin and Barbara – no wait, Brandy?"

"Brenda?"

"Right," he nodded. "Brenda. Robin introduced her as her best friend and then asked me if I had spoken with you lately. I'm an actual neurosurgeon," he teased lightly, "it didn't take me long to put the pieces together."

Draining his water bottle, Patrick shrugged. "We're over," he said simply.

"Because of the house?"

He rolled his eyes. "People don't break up over a house Dad. They break up because they don't trust each other or because they don't have the guts to say what they want."

His brow knit together in confusion. "You don't trust Robin?"

With an exasperated sigh, he shook his head. "She doesn't trust me. Can't trust me, were her words."

"Because you left?"

"Because everyone in her life has left and I'm one more name for the list. Because I'm not worth being forgiven, because I'm not worth the effort, because I simply don't matter enough."

Noah's hazel eyes misted over as he heard the pain in every word his son spoke. "You do matter enough" he told him quietly.

"And exactly what evidence are you basing that on?" he asked bitterly. "All those times you were drunk and left me to grieve alone? Or every obstacle that Robin put in our way? Which one of those is the part that tells me I matter?"

Noah said nothing in response. Watching as Patrick pushed back the chair and got to his feet, he knew he was ramping up to unload some of the toxicity he had been carrying with him for so long and he needed to let him do so without interference, no matter how much it pained him.

Patrick started to pace as his stomach twisted itself into a decade old formation of knots once more. "What was the point of me even taking a risk? I didn't want to fall in love, I didn't want a commitment because I knew I would screw it up – which I did – but that didn't even matter because I was never going to come first. I'm not worth letting go of old demons for. You know, Robin once told me that when her parents would be out on missions she would try and get good grades or be a good girl so it would mean they would come home safely. I used to think that if I finished first in my class at medical school, or was the best surgeon that someone would finally think that I had something – something that would make them say 'he is who I want – I'm going to put this person first.'"

Leaning against the kitchen counter, he folded his arms across his chest and took one shuddering breath after another. "What is it about me that is not worthy of being first?" he asked. "When I needed you most, you chose the cold comfort of a bottle over me."

Noah nodded slowly. "I know I how badly I hurt you Patrick but it was never about choosing between you or the bottle. It was about choosing between feeling and not feeling."

"That's not what it looked like to me" he told him. "To me it was like Mom died and I wasn't reason enough for you to go on. I know…I know in that letter I wrote that I told you I forgive you and I do but I still don't understand it – I don't understand what's wrong with me."

"There is nothing wrong with you."

"Then why can't she forgive me? I…I was wrong to leave but I came back. I came back" he repeated. "But I guess it's not enough and I don't know how to be more than what I am."

Noah resisted the urge to spring from his chair and hug the stuffing out of his son. He needed to be mindful of the boundaries and the minefields. They had made amazing progress at re-establishing their relationship but he knew better than most that forgiveness is the beginning of healing, not the end of it.

"She will forgive you Patrick" he said carefully. "She loves you"

"When? When will she forgive me? Before our child is born? After? When our kid goes to school? I tell you what though, I'm going to make damn sure my kid knows their value. I don't ever want a child of mine to feel like this."

"You're going to be a great father and your child will be lucky to have both of you as parents."

"I thought I had finally found a family" he said as he walked to the table and scooped up the letter. "But I guess I was mistaken."

Running his hand over his heart where his t-shirt covered his tattoo he quietly exited the kitchen and headed out the door.


	161. Chapter 168

**Chapter 168**

Each time I think that the worst of it's through  
I am stopped in my tracks by some vision of you

Sliding into the chair in the hospital cafeteria Patrick noticed the inescapable smile on Eric's face and could not help but smile back just a little.

"Today's the day?" he asked.

Fidgeting with the lid of his coffee cup he nodded. "Yeah. We're bringing him home. The girls are so excited"

"They aren't the only ones" he teased lightly.

The apples of his cheeks turned bright read and he smiled sheepishly. "I can't get rid of the goofy grin on my face."

"Then don't," Patrick offered. "Smitty you deserve this – all of it. Be happy and enjoy it."

"Thanks" he replied softly.

It had been almost two weeks since he had driven him to the Hamptons and while he knew that his friend was still in a bad place, he was relieved, at least, to see him back at work and less withdrawn than he had been.

"Have you seen her yet?"

Patrick shook his head. She had reached out to him a couple of times through text messages and phone calls but he had not been ready to talk to her. His emotions were all over the place – he vacillated between being sad and angry. He wanted to be with her, he wanted to crawl into bed with her, take her in his arms and never let her go but it wasn't a possibility.

"I tried to change most of my shifts so that we weren't on at the same time."

A small frown creased his forehead. "That's not realistic though, is it? You guys are having a baby together and there are doctors' appointments and Lamaze classes to work out."

Exhaling heavily, he stared at the table and ripped the empty sugar packets into tiny shreds. "I know" he said quietly. "I just…not yet." Raising his gaze to meet Eric's, he offered a small shrug. "I wish it was as easy to fall out of love as it is to fall into it."

"Neither are easy" Eric corrected. "And you don't want to fall out of love with Robin, Pantsy – you just don't – that's why you can't."  
"Yeah well" he smirked. "The last of the great players is reduced to pile of ashes."

"First of all? You were never as great a player as you think you were and second of all, you ain't ashes."

"Probably not on both counts," he conceded. "The only benefit to any of this that I can see is I'm finally putting some real weight back on"

Eric grinned. "Hitting the heavy bag?"

Patrick nodded as he dragged his hand through his hair. "Yeah – keeps the frustration under control for a little while at least."

The soft buzz of his beeper caught his attention and pulling it from his waist band, Eric quickly glanced at the message. "I have to go" he said apologetically, "it's time."

Patrick smiled with admiration at his friend as he scrambled to his feet. "Good luck Smitty, not that you need it."

"Thanks. Call me though if you need anything, okay?"

"'Kay." Watching as his friend practically bounded from the cafeteria, he slowly rose to his feet and headed back to his office.

*****  
As they walked from the car up the lane, Eric felt a tug on his pants and looked down at Josh.

"Can you carry me?" he asked shyly.

"You're tuckered out, aren't you?"

Seeing him nod, Eric bent down and scooped him up in his arms, carrying him up the lane. The little boy wrapped his arms around his neck and rested his head against his shoulder.

Once they got the approval to foster Josh, he and Alexis slowly started integrating him into their lives. He made day trips out to the house, forming a quick bond with Kristina and they encouraged him to pick out the decorations he wanted for his room – a Harry Potter bed spread and glow in the dark stars for the ceiling. He had spoken to Lainey at length about potential pitfalls for all of them and the strongest piece of advice he received was to ensure that all three children got plenty of attention.

He walked through the door with the young boy in his arms and smiled at the large 'Welcome home Josh' sign that Kristina and Molly had made. Both girls ran over to greet him and Josh, finding a second wind, climbed down from Eric's arms and took off with them to play.

Alexis, having watched the scene unfold, walked over to him and slid her arms around his waist, stealing a quick kiss. Eric gazed at her lovingly and nipped her lips. "I love you" he whispered.

Threading her hand through his hair, she tugged his face closer to his and stole a longer kiss.

"Ewww!" Josh commented, looking up from the board game Kristina had laid out.

The young girl just shook her head. "They do it _all _the time" she told him. "They're very kissy"

"Ya" Molly echoed. "Very kissy."

Blushing slightly, Alexis buried her head against his chest. Eric grinned and brushed his lips against her temple. "I like being very kissy" he told her softly. "But only with you."

"Damn straight" she replied.

Molly ran over to them and tugged on her mother's hand. "Mommy, you hafta come play with us."

Eric jutted his bottom lip out in a small pout. "What about me? You don't want me to play?"

"No" Kristina piped up. "You hafta cook dinner 'cause Mommy doesn't know how."

Both of them burst out laughing as Eric headed to the kitchen muttering something about truth coming from the mouths of babes.

*****  
Dinner had been a boisterous affair as Josh, feeling more at ease, started to tell jokes, sending both girls into peals of laughter. After bath time and story time they managed to tuck all three children into bed and Alexis and Eric retreated to their bedroom.

"So far so good" Alexis observed as she slipped into her silk pyjamas.

Pulling on a pair of boxers and a faded Rangers t-shirt, he nodded in agreement. "I think it went as well as it could. Josh was exhausted when I tucked him in."

As he climbed into bed he reached for her and gathered her in his arms. Bringing her head to rest on his chest, she sighed happily. Any reservations she had about the pitfalls of living together had disappeared quickly. She still struggled with her baggage and scars from the past, as did he, but he offered her something neither her ex-husband nor her previous partners could – the chance to be exactly who she was without judgement. He wasn't afraid of all that she came with and by giving her unconditional love and support, he allowed her to do the same – something she wanted to do for a long time but had been unable to.

"You're deep in thought" she observed as she placed a gentle kiss on his chest.

"I was just thinking how good it feels to finally believe in possibilities again" he told her softly. "I don't even mean Josh" he added, "Falling in love with you has just….you've opened up something for me that I was sure was lost for good."

Sliding his finger under her chin he tipped her head up towards him and slowly, languorously closed his mouth over hers in a love-filled kiss. Alexis reluctantly pulled away as she heard the door to their bedroom creak open.

"There are spies among us" she whispered, rolling off of him and sitting up. Looking over at the door they were both surprised to find all three children standing their in their pyjamas.

"What's all this then?" she asked, trying to suppress her smile.

With wide brown eyes, Kristina spoke up. "Josh couldn't sleep and me neither and so we thought we should sleep with you."

"I see and was Molly not sleeping or did you wake her up?"

"I sleeping" Molly answered, tiredly rubbing her eyes.

Alexis turned to Eric who was staring at the three children with a bemused look on his face. "I don't know" she told him teasingly, "this could set a bed precedent"

He turned and looked at her. "I agree."

Grinning, she turned back to the children and pulled back the covers. "But alright, just for tonight."

Kristina squealed and Josh clapped as they sprinted for the bed. Molly trudged, trailing her doll behind her and held her arms up for her mother to pick her up. All three of them burrowed under the covers between Alexis and Eric and giggled at their triumph. Reaching for the nightstand, he turned off the light and smiled at Alexis. She blew him a kiss before settling down on the other side of three children.

Eric sighed happily as he pulled up the covers. It was as complete a moment as he had ever experienced.

****  
Patrick shuffled along the hall, heading towards his office. Still limited to exams and consultations, he was dying to get back in an OR. The last results of his hand still showed a minute tremor – almost unnoticeable to anyone other than a surgeon. He continued to work every exercise his physiotherapist had given him in an effort to steady his hand. He was still convinced it was only a matter of time.

The OR was home to him. It was the one area of his life that, no matter what, he was absolutely sure of what he was doing. He understood it – the expectations, the requirements – everything; there was no room for ambiguity and that fortified him in a way nothing else could. It had been his refuge when his father had disappeared and he wished it could his refuge now.

He was almost past the Nurses Station when he heard it – a familiar laugh echoing across the open space and it brought him to a dead stop. Turning slowly, he saw her sitting on the couch with Brenda, her head tossed back and her smile wide as she laughed. It warmed him and crushed him all at once. He wanted to stalk over to her, grab her by the shoulders and kiss her until neither of them could breathe but that was no solution to anything. Their problem wasn't love or desire, it was the past – hers, his and theirs – and he was blind to what the solution might be.

Unable to tear himself away, drinking her in for just a little longer, he was startled when her eyes met his. Looking away quickly, he turned on his heel and disappeared down the hallway.

He was barely inside his office when he heard a soft rap at the door. His heart knew exactly who it was and for a brief moment, he considered pretending he wasn't there. The realization that he had not locked the door and that she could just walk in dissuaded him of his first thought. Leaning back in his chair and staring up at the ceiling, he swallowed down a groan.

"It's open" he called out flatly.

Robin pushed the door and stood in the entrance, not quite sure if she was welcome inside.

"Hey" she greeted him nervously.

The look on his face when their eyes had met had almost shattered her heart and as she saw him disappear around the corner she had, without thinking, run after him. But now, face to face with him for the first time in nearly two weeks, her nerve was failing.

"Hey" he echoed, finally meeting her eyes.

"How are you?" she asked tentatively.

"Fine"

Her brow furrowed slightly as she looked at him. His lab coat seemed more filled out than it had been and his face was a little fuller than she remembered. Not that she had expected him to go into decline but she was surprised to see him looking healthier.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, uncomfortable under her watchful gaze. "Baby okay?"

She smiled as she pressed her hand to her stomach. "We're both feeling fine."

"Glad to hear it."

"Brenda came for a visit" she prattled on, not wanting the moment strained as it might be, to end.

"So I see. Look, Robin – is there something you need?" His face was stony and impassive as he looked at her.

She smiled ruefully thinking all she needed was him, if only she hadn't pushed him away. "Do you…do you hate me?"

Softening just a little, he shook his head and mouthed the word 'no'. "I could never hate you" he told her hoarsely, "I love you."

Hearing those words again made her tremble. The temptation to tell him everything she was doing to slay her dragons was overwhelming but both Brenda and Lainey had warned her against offering a promise to him when she had no idea of how long it would take her to deliver on it.

"I'm just not the man you need," he added softly.

Stepping further inside the office, she gazed at him intently. "Yes you are. You are exactly who I need – it's just….it's me – it's my crap that's in our way. I want you to-"

Holding up his hand, he interrupted her. "Look Robin, I know we have a lot to work out around the baby and everything but I don't….I can't….I can't be that guy right now. I can't be the one to reassure you that everything is going to be okay because I'm not convinced it is."

Her eyes pricked with tears that she refused to let fall. "I am so sorry I hurt you."

"Right back at you" he told her softly. "But for two people who love each other as much as we do, we seem to do a good job on hurting each other too."

"It's not insurmountable" she blurted.

"It sure feels like it is." He held her gaze for several moments before looking away.

She was tempted to push the conversation further, to open it up more but seeing the rigid line of his jaw and how the muscle pulsed tightly in his cheek, she understood that she had pushed as far as she could for now.

"I..uh..my next appointment with Kelly is two weeks from tomorrow – at 10. It's another ultrasound. You'll….you'll be there won't you?"

Looking back at her he nodded. "I wouldn't miss it," he whispered.

"Okay" she nodded sadly, "I'll….I'll send you an email to remind you." Pulling open the door, she glanced over her shoulder and smiled wistfully. She was more resolved than ever to get them back on track.

As the door closed behind her Patrick put his elbows on the table and cradled his head in his hands.


	162. Chapter 169

**Chapter 169**

It's the heart that really matters in the end

"Patrick knows Robin is going to be here, right?" Alexis asked as she opened the wine bottle and set it on the table.

"Yes," Eric answered, checking the lasagne bubbling up in the oven. "He said he would be fine."

It had been almost two weeks since Josh had arrived and now that they had all found a routine together, Alexis suggested a dinner with friends to celebrate the addition to their family. She had insisted that both Patrick and Robin be present given what they meant to both of her and Eric and also secretly hoped that the opportunity might present itself for them to take a few more tentative steps towards each other.

A knock at the door brought all three children running from the playroom to see who had arrived. Exiting the kitchen, Eric headed to greet their first arrival. Smiling broadly, he opened the door.

"Hi Robin"

"Wobin! Wobin!' Molly cried happily running towards her.

Grinning, Robin bent down and scooped the young girl up in her arms and hugged her tightly. "Hi Mols, how are you?"

"Good" she replied as she threaded her fingers through Robin's long, silky hair.

Brenda extended her hand to Eric. "I'm Brenda Barrett" she said, "Robin's friend."

"Nice to meet you, I'm Eric Smitherman."

"I've heard lots about you," she smiled, "but never once did Robin mention that you're a hottie."

His cheeks flushed bright red and he was momentarily at a loss for words. Still holding Molly, Robin turned and glared at her friend. "Brenda!"

She shrugged unapologetically. "What? He's good-looking - I wasn't supposed to notice?"

Emerging from the dining room, Alexis waved everyone in. "Don't just stand there, come in, come in. Molly, why don't you let Robin set you down?"

Her daughter shook her head. "No! I wanna stay here."

"It's okay" Robin said, hugging her tighter, "I haven't seen Molly in days and we need to catch up on cuddle time."

As they all settled on the couch, Josh climbed into Eric's lap and surveyed the scene. Still wary of people, he stuck close to those he knew well which usually meant Eric or Kristina. Seeing his fist curl around his shirt, Eric gently rubbed his back trying to set him at ease. "Josh, you remember Robin don't you? My friend at the hospital?"

He nodded shyly as Robin smiled at him. "How are you Josh?"

"Good."

"I hear you get to go to school next week."

"He's going to be in my class" Kristina piped up. She and Josh had formed a quick, tight bond and both Alexis and Eric had been moved by it.

"Lucky you" Brenda said. "It's always good to have friends in your class."

"Am I late?" Patrick asked sheepishly as he slipped inside the door. The sight of Robin cradling Molly in her lap sent his heart soaring and put a million images in his head as to how beautiful she was going to look with their child.

"Not at all," Alexis greeted him. Rising to her feet she met him at the door and kissed his cheek. "I'm so glad you could come" she told him quietly.

"Th-thanks."

Robin's eyes were glued to him. His dark green shirt seemed to cling to him, hinting at a physique that had been long absent. His hair was thick and shiny and if she ignored the dark circles shadowing his eyes she would swear he looked every inch the man she had met in the OR two years earlier. Smiling nervously, she gave him a small wave.

He waved back and took a seat on the couch beside Eric. "Hi" he said quietly, looking at her. Her skin was glowing and while there was no real sign of a bump yet, he could see the small changes in her body and it made him stir in response.

"Hi. How are you?"

"Good. Hey Brenda"

"Hey yourself Patrick - nice to see you."

As an uncomfortable silence fell over the room, Patrick inhaled sharply and turned his attention to Josh. "Hey buddy, how's it going?"

"Kristina and me were building cars on the Wii."

"Oh yeah? What kind of cars?"

"A mush-mush..." Stumbling over the word, he looked up to Eric for guidance.

Giving him a reassuring smile, he patted his leg. "You know what the word is" he reminded him quietly. "Take your time."

He tried to say it again but feeling the word trapped on his tongue, he started to panic. He looked anxiously from Eric to Patrick. Patrick winked at him. "You know what Josh, I get stuck on words too sometimes. Was it a mustang?" he asked. The young boy smiled and nodded. "Can you say it for me?" Patrick asked.

"M-m-mustang"

"That's awesome!"

Walking over to where Patrick and Eric were sitting, Kristina tugged on Patrick's pant leg. "Patrick, do you wanna build a car with Josh and me?"

"Sure Kristina," he said, getting to his feet. "Lead the way" Taking his hand she pulled him towards the playroom. Josh scrambled from Eric's lap, pulling on his hand and following them out of the living room.

A small sniffle escaped from the back of Robin's throat and both Brenda and Alexis turned to her in surprise.

"Robs?"

"Damn hormones," she muttered. "He's going to be an amazing father" she said tearfully, wiping at her eyes.

"Was that ever in doubt for you?" Alexis asked curiously.

Robin shook her head. There were so many things she just knew about Patrick - some times even before he did and she had known for a long time that he would be a terrific father. It had been one of the things that had made her so sad after reading the note he had written to Eric about not seeing himself as a father. Part of her disappointment then stemmed from what it meant for their future - though she had been wrong, in the end - but she was also disappointed because she instinctively recognized that he would be a great parent.

"No," she finally answered. "I just wish...I just wish..." her voice trailed off.

Brenda gave her a small squeeze. "Soon Robs, soon."

*****  
Dinner had been a mostly relaxed affair, thanks in large part to the children just being themselves; they told jokes, sang songs and sent them all into peals of laughter. Patrick and Robin stole looks at each other from across the table, managed to sustain a conversation with minimal awkardness and at one point, as they both reached for the salt, their hands lingered one on top of the other.

"Wobin?" Molly asked as she swirled her spoon in her ice cream.

"Yes?"

"Is it true you have a baby in your tummy?" she asked.

Patrick choked on his drink and Alexis' cheeks burned in embarrassment. "And people say I'm direct" Brenda snorted.

Robin rolled her eyes at her friend before turning her attention back to young girl. "Yes Molly, I have a baby in my tummy. Patrick and I made a baby."

"Are you gonna get married?" she asked.

"Molly!" Alexis reproved sharply.

Patrick stared at Robin, his eyebrow raised almost in a challenge.

Keeping her eyes locked on Patrick, she answered. "Not right now Molly but some day." Patrick dropped his gaze and stared into his coffee.

"Good because I hava party dress to wear."

The table dissolved into laughter, the rising tension once again diffused. Draining his coffee, Patrick rose to his feet. "I...I have an early start tomorrow so I'm going to have to head out. Thanks very much for a nice evening."

"Thanks for coming Pantsy" Eric said, "I'll walk you out."

"Don't get up - I kind find my way out" he smiled. He gave Robin one last look before heading for the door.

He had just stepped off the porch when he heard Robin call to him. Clenching his eyes shut, he sucked in a breath before turning around. "Yes?"

With her lower lip trembling, she gripped the railing on the porch. "I'm sorry" she said plaintively, "I'm sorry things are so...so weird and awkward."

Sighing, Patrick climbed back up the stairs and leaning against the post, simply stared at her. The night sky was blanketed with stars and the slivers of moonlight peeking through made her look almost luminescent.

"I swear to god Robin, you have to stop apologizing," His voice was tired as he spoke.

A small grimace crossed her face. "You look good," she offered. "You look....you like you're putting on weight."

He smirked as he answered. "I'm boxing."

Her brown eyes went wide with surprise. "Wow." She jammed her hands in her pockets to keep from wringing them together. "So, um...when are you moving into the house?"

Shrugging, he looked off to the side, gathering himself before answering. "I'm not sure that I am."

"Patrick! You...you love that house" she exclaimed. "It was...it's a dream house"

He shook his head. "The dream wasn't the house Robin, the dream was the family that was going to live in it. I....I don't have a lot of desire to live there without you."

"Patrick, I'm...I'm really trying. I've been-"

Holding up his hand to silence her, he shook his head. "Robin, I just...I can't take it right now, okay?" Blowing out his cheeks, he rubbed his hand over his face and nervously licked his lips. "You know the first time you experience something, it's always the most intense - good or bad - there is nothing quite like the first time. I...I've never had a broken h-heart before and so I'm finding this really hard and if you're taking steps - that's great but I can't....I just..."

Stepping carefully towards him she reached for his hand and was equal parts relieved and surprised when he did not pull away. "I know" she told him hoarsely. "It's just... I miss you. I love you and I miss you."

His fingers curled through hers and he gently pulled her to him. He pressed his lips to her forehead and left a languid, lingering kiss there. He breathed in her familiar, intoxicating scent before reluctantly pulling away. "I have to go" he whispered. Dropping her hand, he ran down the stairs and disappeared down the lane to where his car was parked.

Robin stared out into the darkness, her fingers tracing where his lips had just been. He was still within reach and she wasn't going to let go of him.


	163. Chapter 170

**Chapter 170**

No one said it would be easy

Having unequivocally told Lainey that she wanted to lay down the chains that were tying her to her past and keeping her from moving forward, she had been given what felt like more homework than she ever had in college. The most daunting, ongoing work involved her sitting quietly - almost meditatively - and focusing on one issue or memory and then writing down the feelings that it provoked. The idea was to write without censor and in so doing discover some of the root issues. It was an intense and exhausting exercise but she pushed herself through it, feeling each time she did she was one step closer to Patrick.

Sitting cross legged on her bed, the journal opened in front of her, Robin tapped her pen against her lips in search of the thought that had just evaporated. Normally she had little difficulty focusing but in the three days since dinner with Alexis and Eric her mind repeatedly drifted back to the kiss on the porch. While not a passionate, make you go weak in the knees, type of kiss his lips felt seared against her skin nonetheless. He had let her take his hand and then in a surprising turn of events had pulled her towards him. She could still smell him, feel the heat from his body and see the outline of his new physique pushing at the material of his shirt. That alone would normally be cause for distraction but it was feeling his lips on her skin that had her reeling. She had tried to identify the kiss and thereby categorize it to better understand where his head was but it was proving rather elusive. It wasn't a sad kiss - though there was a hint of sadness to it; there was most definitely love as he had touched her though she didn't pick up on any regret. Like many things about Patrick, it was defying description. And with her focus on that, she was finding it difficult to get through the work in front of her.

Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and tried to return her focus to her original question. How did she feel when she realized that Patrick had lied to her about being sick? Opening her eyes, she picked up her pen and started to write.

_Pissed. I was pissed and angry and hurt that after everything not only did he not tell me, I had to find the truth out from his friend. But there wasn't actually any time to feel that way because he was already so sick. And he was sure he was going to die - like his mother had. When I confronted him there was no room for me to tell him how pissed I was because he was barely holding it together and my anger was not what he needed. _

Robin paused and re-read what she wrote. Swallowing thickly, she considered her words. Her anger was not what he needed, that was true; he had been so fragile that night, his grip on his world so tenuous. But seeing it in black and white before her she realized that she never really factored her need into the equation. Flipping back through her journal she skimmed some of what she had written about Stone and Jason and found a similar sentiment. They would be in crisis and so regardless of her feelings, she would do what they needed;it was a pattern of behaviour that had repeated most of her adult life. They may not have needed her anger but she sure did and each time she denied it she put another crack in her own foundation. Her difficulty in trusting people had roots in honest to goodness betrayals but it also stemmed from her inability to trust that she could put her feelings first. None of the men in her life had asked her to put her feelings to the side, she had just done so because she thought she should.

Without pausing, she started to write again. Sometimes _I don't think I'm entitled to feel how I do and so it's easier not to. It's easier to concentrate on someone else's feelings so I don't have to deal with my own. _

She had not even realized she was crying until the page went blurry before her eyes. And she suddenly understood that Patrick had not only not asked her to put her feelings to the side but had tried to encourage her to get them out. Thinking back to those days after April Gilbert's death when she felt so unbelievably broken, when long dormant feelings had reawoken and put a vice grip around her, he had given her all kinds of time and space to be angry, to be sad, to rage even if she needed it. But he had done so staying by her side. It had been one of the few times she had been truly unguarded with him.

Shaking her head, she flopped back against her pillows and stared up at the ceiling. It had been during that time that he had first experienced his symptoms - the tremors, the headaches and even the numbness in his fingertips. And he had ignored them. He had ignored them to concentrate on her. They were more alike than she had even realized. Both of them would rather deal with the other's feelings than their own. Neither of them trusted themselves and in the end made it almost impossible to trust each other. If they were going to rebuild their trust then they were going to have stop running from their feelings about themselves and start dealing with them head on. It was clear to her that she was going to have tell him honestly - probably brutally so - about how she really felt. And then she was going to have to forgive him - and mean it. All of it felt suddenly so very overwhelming.

Exhaling slowly, she rubbed her belly. "Baby, I hope you're going to be more together than your parents. And I promise we'll try really hard not to screw you up."

****  
"Not that you were ever really talkative," Eric said as he twisted the cap off his beer, "but we've been sitting here for 20 minutes and all you've done is stare at me and the pool table. So either you're contemplating challenging me to a game, in which case I will happily take your money or something is rolling around in your surgically repaired noggin. Care to share?"

Jake's was practically deserted. The lights on the jukebox flashed in syncopation with the music and the low hum of several conversations buzzed around the bar. Eric had been at home on a day off when he received a text from his friend - three words - I'm at Jake's. When he arrived at the bar he found him sitting alone at a table building towers with the bowl of pretzels. He called for two beers and took the seat across from him.

"I'm thinking of serving Robin with joint custody papers," he said when he finally spoke. He waited a full three seconds before he met Eric's eyes. "You think it's a bad idea."

Pursing his lips together, he gave a small shake of his head. "No. I don't think it's a bad idea." A small wave of confidence washed over Patrick. "I think it's a momumentally stupid idea. Are you out of your ever loving mind?"

Shrugging defensively, he leaned back in his chair. "No. What's wrong with wanting to firm up custody arrangements before the baby comes?"

"Nothing is wrong with that except that's not what you're trying to do. You're angry. You've been sad for a few weeks but now you're angry and you want to lash out at her. And hey, nothing says 'I hate you' like legal papers."

"I don't hate her" he muttered.

"I know you don't. So why are you so willing to throw in the towel?"

"I think the towel has already been thrown" he shot back. "Now it's to sort out the details."

Eric took a sip from his beer and cast a critical glance over his friend. It was easy to see that while his physical health was improving, his emotional health was not doing as well.

"How many weeks is she?"

"12 - next week."

"Well I'm no math genius - except I am - and 12 weeks means there is still six months before your child makes its grand entrance. A lot can happen in six months Pantsy. People come back from almost dying in six months - hearts get repaired in six months. There is no rush for you to cement anything about custody yet so stop trying to sabotage yourself."

"Fuck you" he spat.

"Okay" he replied, unfazed. "You know, no matter what happens between you two, at some point you are going to have to forgive her."

Patrick dropped his gaze to the table. He might as well have asked him to reveal the formula for cold fusion. Forgiveness was not something he excelled at - in fact he failed miserably at it most of the time. He feelings were confusing and defying comprehension for him. He knew his heart was broken or breaking at least and yet when she held his hand, when her fingers curled around his he could have sworn he felt the pieces gluing themselves back together. And that scared him. It was hard enough to end things once but the idea that he might have to live through this again shook him to his core.

"She can't seem to forgive me" he said sourly. "So why should I try to forgive her?"

"Because forgiveness isn't about the other person," he told him. "It's about you. Forgiveness sets a person free - generally the one doing the forgiving."

"So is that why you forgave Karen? And happily look at pictures of her and her baby?" He regretted both his tone and his question as soon as he spoke and the small grimace on his friend's face told him he had pushed just a bit too far.

"As a matter of fact, yeah it is." Taking another long swig of his beer before setting the bottle down on the table, he leaned forward and looked at his friend. "Look Pantsy, I hate what she did. I hate that she told me she didn't love me enough to watch me die or to help me live. But holding on to that punished me, not her. And life is too fucking short to walk around with an albatross around your neck."

"I know life is short" he rasped. "And the time that Robin and I have to be a family is even shorter and I hate that there are days ticking by and we aren't together but I don't know what to do."

"For starters, don't file custody papers. And if Robin is working on her shit, maybe it's time for you to work on yours."

"I'm not going to a shrink" he told him defiantely.

"So don't. There other ways to deal with things."

"Like how?"

"Like start by asking yourself why you do the things you do and go from there. Pantsy, you're about to become a father - you owe it to yourself and to your kid to make sure you're as together as you can be."

Realizing his friend was right, he nodded. "I'm going to be a good father to my kid" he told him. Picking up his beer, he drained it. "And a good husband if I ever get the chance."


	164. Chapter 171

**Chapter 171**

All I really want to do is hide out with you

Sitting on the exam table, Robin nervously glanced at her watch. The minutes of her appointment were ticking by and there was no sign of him. He wouldn't miss this appointment – he had promised her he would be there and Patrick wasn't a person to promise what he couldn't deliver.

She didn't actually need him for the appointment; she had already reviewed her meds and viral load with Kelly, all that was left was the ultrasound. It wasn't crucial for him to be there. Except it was.

At three months along they were going to be able to not only see their child, bigger than the last time but hear the heartbeat. She wanted to share that with him – she wanted that moment with him. After the last ultrasound he had taken her home and they had made love in languid celebration and while she was under no illusions that would be the conclusion to today's appointment, she at least wanted the share the moment.

Kelly smiled sympathetically at her friend. "I've had him paged. We can give him another couple of minutes but then I really am going to have to go ahead."

She nodded sadly. "I know – I appreciate you waiting."

Exhaling slowly as her legs swung from the table, she kept her eyes glued to the door. Maybe she had underestimated or misunderstood where his head was at? Maybe the kiss on the porch was a goodbye kiss but she was in too much denial to realize it? As her bottom lip quivered, she bit down on it to steady it.

Peeking a look at the clock, Kelly cleared her throat. "Robin, I'm sorry but we really have to start."

With a small sigh of defeat, she laid back on the table and pulled her shirt up to reveal her still flat stomach. She winced slightly as the cold gel sent a shiver through her and stole one final, disappointed look at the door before turning her attention to the screen.

As Kelly moved the Doppler over her stomach, the door to the exam room flew open and Patrick skidded through, breathless.

"So….so sorry I'm late," he panted. "Did I miss it?"

Tears stung sharply at her eyes as he pulled up a chair to the side of the exam table. "I wasn't sure…" She allowed her voice to trail off and quickly looked back at the screen.

"I was caught up with a p-patient" he told her softly. "It was all I could to not shove him out of the exam room," he smiled, his dimple flashing. He waited for her to look at him again before continuing. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."

Kelly grinned at the tentativeness between them. It was obvious to even the most casual observer that they wanted to be together; their bodies instinctively turned towards one another and there was more said non-verbally than there ever was out loud. Even knowing their issues she had little doubt that they were going to be back together.

"Are you guys ready?"

"Hell yeah" Patrick replied enthusiastically. It was the most excitement he had exhibited about anything in quite some time; a reaction that did not go unnoticed by Robin.

"Okay, so today we'll be able to better see the baby – depending on the angle we might even be able to count some fingers and toes and we should hear the heartbeat."

As the Doppler moved around on her stomach, the grainy image came into view followed almost immediately by the sound of the heartbeat. Its rapid fire beat sounded almost like a horse galloping along at full speed.

Robin's mouth parted slightly and she swallowed thickly as Kelly pointed to the tiny fingers on the screen. Unconsciously she reached for Patrick's hand, stopping just short and dropping her hand on to the table. She jerked in surprise when she felt his warm, strong hand closed around hers and give it a small squeeze.

"Look Robin" he whispered. "Look at our baby."

Not trusting herself to look at him, sure she would dissolve into a puddle of tears she kept her eyes glued to the screen.

"Our miracle" she replied quietly.

"Yeah" he agreed, still holding her hand.

"Your little miracle measures three inches," Kelly told them, "which is at the high end of the scale. If they keep growing at this rate, you're going to have a very big baby."

"Terrific" Robin muttered jokingly, "so I really will be passing a watermelon."

"You'll be fine" Patrick reassured her.

Tilting her head to the side, she smiled shyly. "Says the one who doesn't actually have to deliver the baby."

Returning her smile, he gave her hand another squeeze. "Kelly, can we get copies of the picture?"

"Sure" She handed Robin a cloth to wipe the gel from her skin. "I'll print out a few so you can drive all your friends insane with them."

Having cleaned off her stomach, Robin pulled her shirt down and sat up. "Anything else Kel?"

The young doctor shook her head as she presented them each with two copies of the ultrasound image. "No. Everything looks good and is on target. I'd like to see you in six weeks – but you know the drill – any changes in your health before that, come and see me immediately."

"Everything is okay with your viral load?" he asked, letting go of her hand.

Robin met his eyes and nodded. "Everything is fine. I'm tolerating the new meds well and have had very little nausea."

With her hand on the door, Kelly looked back at her friends and smiled. "I'll give you two a few minutes to catch up" she said, slipping out the door. She was tempted to lock it behind her and leave them in there but a full appointment calendar made that an impossibility.

"That's great" Patrick told her. "You're already showing a little" The moment broken, he rose to his feet, moved across the room and leaned against the counter, as though he needed space between them.

Robin's heart sank at the gesture but took a deep breath and looked down at her stomach. "I don't think so, I'm still pretty flat."

With a small smirk, Patrick shook his head. "Not there but your face is a little fuller and your…well…."

His cheeks burned crimson and he was baffled by his newfound shyness about her body. He had never had a moment's hesitation to talk about or touch her body and now he was stammering like a 14 year old boy who just caught sight of his first naked woman.

Robin found his coyness endearing but had to stop herself from bounding from the table and into his arms. There was something incredibly reassuring in him still noticing her body.

"I suppose I should enjoy it" she said, finally speaking, "soon enough I won't be able to see my feet."

"Have you…have you thought about what kind of delivery you want?" he asked, "I mean I know it's early I was just wondering if you-"

"-Natural" she interjected. "I want to deliver naturally. It's been pretty standard practice for a few years now for HIV+ women and I don't want to do a c-section if it isn't necessary."

He nodded. "Are you…I mean…."

Robin spoke at the same time. "I'm hoping you'll….do you want to…"

They both stopped speaking and stared at each other. "What were you saying?" Patrick asked.

"No, no – you go ahead."

"Robin, I cut you off."

"Patrick-"

"Robin for the love of god, would you just finish your sentence?" he snapped in exasperation. It was always the little things they stumbled over, it was always the small things that lay waiting to derail them.

Chastened, she slipped from the exam table and stood up. "I was just going to ask you if you wanted to do Lamaze classes with me" she said quietly.

Frustrated, he ran his hand over his face. He had not wanted to snap at her, he hated being short with her in any way but being near her short circuited his brain. Though he would never be used to being without her, he was managing to get through the day without feeling as though his body had been taken over by Eyore. But then all he had to do was catch a whiff of her perfume or hold her hand and his brain got out of neutral and sped ahead, twisting and turning and leaving him emotionally gasping for a breath.

"I'm sorry" he told her sincerely. "I didn't mean to be so…." He exhaled loudly as his voice trailed off. "I would really like to do Lamaze classes with you."

"Good," Her heart leapt at his answer. "They don't recommend we start until the end of the fifth month but I'll see when the sessions are."

"Okay" The vibration of his pager caught his attention and he scanned the message quickly. "I should probably get going."

Pushing off from the counter, he headed towards the door. He stopped with his hand around the doorknob as she called to him. Turning around, he looked at her expectantly.

She was suddenly frozen in place. She had called out to him because she wasn't ready for him to leave – she didn't want the moment to end but now that she had his attention she wasn't entirely sure what to do with it.

"Robin?"

"Do you want to have dinner with me?" she blurted. "Tonight?"

He shook his head and she felt like she was going to sink to the floor. "I'm working nights" he told her. "And I don't think we're ready – or at least I'm not ready – for a dinner."

"Okay" she rasped, the wind gone from her sails.

"But….we…..we could try coffee" he suggested. "Maybe next week?"

Her head bobbed up and down. Patrick gave her a quick smile and pulled the door open.

"It isn't less intense" she exclaimed suddenly.

"What?"

"It isn't less intense – this heartbreak – even though my heart has been broken before. You said at Alexis' that the first time you experience something was the most intense and it's less later because you've been through it. I just…I just wanted you to know that isn't always true. I've been through it before and this isn't less intense."

Strangely comforted by her revelation, Patrick gazed intently at her. "Thanks" he said hoarsely. "For saying that – I…thanks."

Unsure of his footing if he stayed much longer, he quickly bolted out the door and vanished down the hallway before his heart got hold of his head and he swept her up in his arms and took her home.

Robin stared down at the picture in her hands and smiled. "I'm trying baby. I'm really trying."


	165. Chapter 172

**Chapter 172**

Don't know why things come to me and why they disappear  
I only know that living changed when she got here

Lost in reviewing an MRI scan on his light board, Eric did not hear the knock at his door and jumped in his seat as she touched his shoulder.

"Do you have a minute?" Brenda asked.

Looking up in surprise, he did a double take. "Brenda, hi."

"Hey there." Dressed in a dark green wrap dress, she dropped her purse on the desk as she leaned against it and smiled warmly at him.

"What can I do for you?" His curiosity was most definitely peaked.

"Well….you're Patrick's best friend." He nodded. "And I'm Robin's best friend."

"Glad you're talking slowly" he teased, "'cause you've nearly lost me already."

"Smartass" she muttered. "Anyways, I was thinking – as their best friends perhaps we could work together to get them back together. I'm thinking what they really need is to be locked away for a few days and just hash it all out. I was thinking that I could send them to my place in Rome but that requires a flight or two and it just seems far so maybe you know of a place? Remote would be good. Lock 'em up and let 'em have at it."

Eric's blue eyes grew wider and wider as he listened to her ramble almost without breathing.

"They just really need to talk, uninterrupted. Actually I think they need to talk and then…well you know…..maybe a mixture of talking and other stuff. He could apologize, she could apologize. We could make it a romantic getaway for them. So, what do you think?"

He shook his head. "No."

Not used to having her ideas so easily dismissed, she narrowed her eyes. "What do you mean, no?"

Undeterred, he shrugged. "I mean I think it's a bad idea and I'm about as involved in Patrick's relationship as I want to be."

"They belong together."

"I agree"

"Then you also agree if they are both being so stubborn and getting in their way then they need some help getting out of their way."

"No I don't." Seeing her frustration mount, he held up his hand. "Hear me out. Look, I think Pantsy and Robin are made for each other. But they have some real, serious issues that they need to work through and that isn't accomplished by throwing them in a room together. They have to sort this out for themselves."

Standing up, she started to pace. The stiletto heels of her boots clicked rhythmically against the floor as she wore a path from one end of the office to the other. "Do you have any idea how long I've waited for Robin to have what she has? Do you?"

The corners of his mouth twitched upwards into a smile. "Probably about as long as I've been waiting for him to have what he has."

"She deserves her happily ever after."

"They both do" he amended. "But it's going to take some work."

"Your boy really hurt her, you know."

Eric bristled at the comment, sitting up straight in his chair. "I think there's enough hurt on both sides Brenda."

"He left her Eric. .her"

"And she lied to him" he shot back. "This isn't a competition. And this is exactly why I won't get involved. They aren't kids Brenda. If they are going to have a future – if they're going to have forever then they need to solve this on their own. I will support Patrick through all of it but I'm not fixing this for him and I don't think you should either."

Slightly defeated, she sank against the arm of the chair. "She's my best friend. I would do anything for her," she said quietly.

"Sometimes the best thing to do for a person is nothing."

"Am I interrupting?" Alexis asked, standing in the doorway.

Eric's face broke into a broad grin and scrambling to his feet he walked to her, giving her a quick kiss. "Not at all. We were talking about Robin and Patrick."

"I think we should lock them up together until they sort it out" she told Alexis, getting to her feet.

"Or knock their heads together," Alexis offered.

"I'm beginning to think it's genetically impossible for women to leave things alone."

Both women smiled. "Yes, pretty much" Alexis answered. "But that's why you love us."

Smirking, he shook his head. "No, I love you in spite of it."

Brenda picked up her purse and smiled at the young doctor. "Thanks for the chat."

Giving a small nod, he smiled back. "Sorry I couldn't be more help."

"See you later Alexis" she told her as she brushed past.

"Bye!" Turning to her boyfriend, she looped her fingers through the waistband of his pants. "Can I steal you for lunch?"

Dipping his head, he brushed his lips against hers. "No need to steal me, I'm all yours."

***  
With a groan, Robin rolled over and looked at the clock. 1:23 a.m. Whoever was banging on her door at this hour had better be in need of medical attention or she was going to make sure the needed it. Kicking back the covers, she pulled on her pyjama pants and reached for the battered grey t-shirt and pulled it over her head. Shuffling down the hallway, she hit the light switch and blearily blinked her eyes into focus as she looked through the peep hole.

With a shake of her head, she unlocked the door and pulled it open. "Patrick?"

His hands gripped the door frame, holding him upright. His shirt was untucked and his eyes slightly unfocused.

"This….thish is all yer fault" he slurred as he crossed the threshold.

The bitter scent of whiskey filled her nostrils and Robin grimaced. "Did you take a bath in Jack Daniels or something?" she asked, closing the door behind him.

He swayed and swirled towards the couch before landing on it with an almighty thud. "It's funny should ashk," he replied, tipping his head on the back of the couch. "It wasn't so much a ba..ba..bath as it was a shower."

"You're really quite drunk" she told him sitting on the arm of the sofa.

"Exshellent observashion skills Doctor Scorpio. I am in fact very drunk. In fact" he punctuated the air with his finger, "I am soooooo drunk I bought a woman a drink and she….she…she just dumped it over my head."

A tiny stab pierced her chest as she contemplated Patrick, sober or drunk, buying a drink for another woman. Technically they weren't together and he was free to buy drinks for whomever he wanted but technicalities really never did much to lessen the pain of anything.

"Why did she dump her drink on your head?" she asked him quietly.

"Because I wouldn't shtop talking about you. She said if I wanted you so mush I should just come and get you." He spread out his arms. "So here I am!"

She bit down hard on her lip to keep from laughing. Sliding off the arm, she got to her feet. Taking hold of his hand, she pulled him to his feet.

"You're kicking me out?" he asked in shock.

With a shy smile, she shook her head. "No. I'm going to make you the strongest coffee you've ever had but first we need to get you out of your shirt. You smell like a distillery."

He blinked several times, trying to focus. "Oh." His hands went to the buttons of his grey shirt but his coordination was off and he fumbled aimlessly for several moments before Robin finally stepped to him and with nimble fingers undid the buttons.

Her breath caught in her throat as his shirt and fell to the floor. What had been hinted at through his clothes over the last several weeks was now completely visible to her. His boxing had reshaped his upper body. His shoulders were strong and sculpted; his arms were lean and defined and his torso had thickened with muscles well delineated. It was all she could do not to touch him.

"You've been boxing a lot" she remarked softly as she bent down to pick up his shirt.

"I'm pretty frush…frush….frushstra…yeah"

With a sympathetic and knowing smile, she balled up his shirt. "Why don't you have a seat? I'm going to throw this in the wash and put some coffee on."

"Okay" he nodded, watching her as she left and feeling a familiar ache in his heart.

Having tossed his shirt into the washing machine, Robin headed to the kitchen and pulled the coffee from the shelf. In the process of carefully measuring out just enough to make his hair stand on end when he drank it, she jumped as she felt his arms circle around her waist and his hands burrow under her shirt.

His fingertips grazed her skin and she flushed from head to toe at his touch. The sensation of his arms around her, the security and stability they provided brought tears to her eyes. She missed him but until that moment, until he was touching her she hadn't realized how much she ached for him.

"You're wearing my sh..shirt" he whispered as his breath warmed her neck. "You don't even like the Rangers."

"No but I like you" she replied softly, closing her eyes as his hands reacquainted themselves with her body.

She swallowed down a gasp as he brushed his fingers over her breasts before taking the weight of them in his hands. His lips found the sweet spot where her neck met her shoulder and his tongue darted from his mouth and made a small, wet circle.

"Patrick" she whispered.

He spun her in his arms and before she could protest, had seized her mouth with his own. His tongue selfishly probed the velvety confines of her mouth as his hands continued to run across her skin.

Robin went limp against him, relying on him completely for support as her body and her heart surrendered to his kiss. He backed her against the counter, their mouths still fused together in a fiery kiss. Before she even realized what was happening, he had tugged the shirt – his shirt – from her body and tossed it to the floor. Her hands swept across his bare chest and the strength she felt underneath them, made her already weak knees tremble.

He dipped his head to her neck, then her shoulder before dragging his tongue down the valley between her breasts. Every nerve ending was on fire and he wanted more. He had dreamt – vivid, real dreams – of tasting her and touching her and in his drunken haze he wasn't sure this was real but he didn't want it to end.

She moaned as he captured a nipple between his lips and laved it with his tongue. Her hands impatiently threaded through his hair. If it was possible to crave another person, she craved him – her heart, her mind, her body – she wanted all of him with all she had.

And then reason woke inside her and warned her this was a bad idea. Her inner voice got louder and louder until she placed her hands against his chest and gently pushed him back.

"Patrick"

His chest heaved, gasping for air and his eyes were dark with desire but he nodded. "I know. I know we can't right now."

Not quite ready for a complete loss of contact, her finger curled around his belt loop. "I'm sorry-"

He shook his head. "No. I shouldn't have…it's just," he sighed and gently cupped her face with his hands. "It's just that you're so beautiful" he told her softly as he gazed intently at her. "And I love you so much."

For the second time, her eyes welled with tears. "I love you too – very much."

They stayed locked like that for several moments, neither wanting to be the first to move. He could see the burn from his stubble spreading across her cheeks and he stroked it with the back of his finger. Then the room began to spin as his night's activities reminded him of their presence.

Seeing his eyes lose focus, Robin smiled kindly. "Why don't you have a seat on the couch and I'll finish making the coffee?"

"Okay" Turning on his heel, he walked unsteadily back in the living room, flopping on the couch.

Bending down, Robin picked up the t-shirt and pulled it back over her head and returned to the coffee.

When she finally emerged from the kitchen with a steaming mug of coffee in hand, she found Patrick passed out on the couch, his face smashed against a pillow and his lips parted as soft ruffles of breath escaped from them.

Smiling to herself, she set the coffee down on the table and carefully removed his shoes and socks. She headed to the hallway, retrieving the extra duvet from the linen closet. She draped it over him and leaning in, pressed her lips to his cheek.

"Sweet dreams Patrick" she whispered. "I love you"


	166. Chapter 173

**Chapter 173**

I should tell you

Running his tongue along the film pasted to the back of his teeth, Patrick groaned and reluctantly pried open his eyes. Slowly sitting up, he cradled his head in his hands and prayed for the pounding to pass quickly. His cheeks flushed crimson as his memory was flooded with a replay of the night before – his drunken declarations; his bold, uninhibited move in the kitchen; the first taste of Robin in weeks.

He glanced at his watch – 7:23 a.m. – it was still early and it was his day off. Lifting his head, he saw his shirt neatly folded on the table and smiled. He hated being taken care except when it was Robin doing it. Reaching out, he took hold of the shirt and shook out the folds. Getting to his feet, he paused for a moment to gather his bearings before slipping on the shirt. Sinking back down, he grabbed his socks and shoes and pulled them on.

Neatly folding the duvet, he placed it on the end of the couch. He retrieved his wallet from the table and stuck it in his back pocket. Running his hands over his face he blew out his cheeks while making a solemn vow to never touch Jack Daniels or Jagermeister again.

"You weren't thinking of sneaking out, were you?"

Startled, he slowly turned around and offered a sheepish smile. "No…I…uh….well I just…"

With her robe wrapped tightly around her, she leaned against the doorway to the living room and shook her head. "You really were thinking of sneaking out."

Something in her tone caused him to bristle and narrowing his eyes, he responded. "Actually the only thing I'm thinking of right now is that I'm desperate need of coffee."

Her mouth twitched into a dry smile as she pulled herself away from the doorframe. "Great, me too. Let me put some on." Leaving him staring after her, she padded to the kitchen.

Flopping back down on the couch, he closed his eyes and wondered to himself when simple things got to be so difficult.

She returned to the living room carrying two large mugs of coffee and set his down in front of him before settling into the large chair and pulling her legs to her chest. It had been a mostly sleepless night for her; partially because her body remained on fire for hours after they kissed but also because she wanted them to get back on track but the only way to do that was to break the seal on all they had been avoiding.

Feeling the weight of the silence hanging between them Patrick sipped from his coffee before finally speaking. "I'm sorry about last night," he told her quietly.

"Sorry about which part?"

Looking at her quizzically, he replied, "About showing up here drunk in the middle of the night. Neither you nor the baby needed that last night and I'm sorry."

She nodded. "So, tell me about the woman you bought a drink for."

"Pardon?"

"You bought a drink for a woman last night, she dumped it on your head-"

He held up his hand. "I remember, I just don't understand your question."

"Tell me about her. What she beautiful? Older? Younger? Are you trying to move on?"

Exhaling loudly, he sat back against the cushions with both his hands wrapped around the mug. "Do you really want to do this while I'm fighting a hangover?"

"Well it seems you don't want to do this at all – you were ready to bolt for the door this morning and would have if I hadn't been up."

He arched his eyebrow, his accusatory tone matching hers. "Oh, so you're a mind reader now?"

"Who needs to read minds? I know you and running is what you do."

"Here we go" he muttered under his breath.

"What?" she challenged, "Are you saying it isn't what you do?"

Leaning over, he extended his hand to her. "Hello Pot, nice to meet you, I'm Kettle."

"I don't run" she stated unequivocally.

"No, you hide."

His heart was thumping loudly in his chest and his head pounded but they had started down a path and he wasn't willing to back off yet. Somewhere in his mind – in his heart – he knew they had to do this. If they were ever going to have a chance at reclaiming their relationship, this wound needed to be lanced. But sometimes, the cure can be as painful as the injury.

"You've been hiding from me from the very beginning," he accused.

Her brown eyes flashed furiously as the allegation hit its mark. "I have been more honest with you than almost anyone in my life."

Patrick shook his head. "That's not possible. Because there are people in your life who know more about you than I do. There are people in your life that you confide in but not me. You get scared, you get hurt and you tell OTHER people but you don't tell me. I'm left fumbling in the dark and every time I think I find the light switch you move it. You've never trusted me."

An audible gasp escaped from the back of her throat and with a shaky hand she set her coffee mug down on the table. "That's not true – I trusted you – until you started withholding."

"Pardon me?" he spluttered.

"Do you realize you never – not once – told me about your tumour? Do you have any idea how many nights I stayed up searching journals and talking to colleagues trying to take the symptoms I knew you had and piece them together? In the end you still didn't tell me – it was Eric. You never told me about the seizures until you had one in front of me."

It was as though having suddenly found her voice, she was unable to stop herself from letting loose the tsunami of emotions that had been bottled up inside her. There are things she needed to say and she was well aware that nothing ever stayed the same once the truth was revealed but there was little point in keeping things as they were.

"You didn't tell me about how bad the tremors were or that you took a Botox injection. There was nothing about your illness that you shared with me that I didn't first find out from someone else. So don't you dare – don't you dare sit there and tell me that I've been hiding when you've been doing the exact same thing."

"Well it was a little hard to tell you that I had the exact same disease that killed my mother when you were barely holding it together" he snapped.

Robin's eyes narrowed angrily. "Great. So that covered the first couple of weeks – how do you explain the rest of the time? You tried to throw me out of the room in Scotland when you had a seizure! Patrick at every turn of your illness you pushed me aside. I had to fight to be with you because you kept pushing me away and when you couldn't push me away hard enough you ran away!"

"I wonder where I learned that from?" he asked, getting to his feet and starting to pace.

It was though the conversation had released toxins into his system and he needed to move around to get them out. He didn't want them to settle – he didn't want to remain infected.

"What the hell does that mean?"

"It means you have always held me at arm's length Robin – always. You told me once that Stone was off-limits – you weren't willing to discuss your past at all with me."

"You know everything you need to know about Stone" she hurled. "He was my boyfriend, I loved him with everything I had and he died."

"NO! That isn't all there is to know. He infected you! He changed the course of your life forever and you don't talk about that. You don't talk about your health – you don't talk about any of it."

"You shut up about Stone"

"Why?"

She jumped to her feet, pounding her finger against her chest. "You don't think I knew he infected me? You don't think I know that? I know that my life would be different if he hadn't – if we hadn't had unprotected sex. But that ship sailed a long time ago and there is nothing I can do about. You play the cards you're dealt with Patrick and these are the cards I have."

"So you don't hate him?" he asked, folding his arms across his chest.

"NO!"

"And he didn't push you away after he found out he exposed you?"

"No" She moved to the far side of the room, putting as much distance between them as possible.

"Then why did you push me away?"

Her head spun and she asked in bewilderment, "What?"

"The minute – the very minute that condom broke – you put a gulf between us. You moved yourself out of reach emotionally and I have had to claw the rocks trying to get back to you."

"Shut up" she hissed.

"Why? Is it not true?"

"You have NO idea – NONE – of what it's like to live with this. To know that I could possibly give this to someone else? There are days that knowledge nearly makes it impossible to get out of bed. So I'm sorry if I was a little distant," she spat, "after the condom broke but it was hard to get close to you when reality was crushing the air out of me. You have no idea what it's like to life with HIV."

Patrick glared at her, speechless, for several beats. "I don't know? I don't know what it's like to live with HIV? I may not have the virus Robin but let me tell you – every sniffle, every cough, every cold – every minor change in your health and I feel like my heart is going to stop beating. I look down the road and I can see the day when you come back from a doctor's appointment and the news won't be 'everything's fine'. It will be the nightmare appointment – the one where we find out we are out of options. And yet there is nothing – NOTHING – I can do." Hot, angry tears, tumbled down his face. "Do you have any idea how helpless I feel? How utterly helpless? I may not have the virus but I live with HIV Robin and for you to suggest otherwise…" his voice trailed off.

Her face registered the shock of his admission and her knees trembled in response. "Then maybe you would prefer someone who didn't have the virus"

Picking up his half-empty coffee mug, he hurled it towards the kitchen. The ceramic shattered as it hit the floor and the rich, dark, liquid left a trail down the wall. "I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE" he yelled. "I WANT YOU!"

As though all the air had suddenly escaped from her body, Robin sank, deflated, on to the arm of the couch. The tears, which she had valiantly been keeping at bay, were closer to falling.

Patrick rubbed his hands over his face. "Robin, I am so sorry" he told her quietly but earnestly. "I never…I shouldn't have thrown the mug."

She shook her head. "I don't care about the mug" she said quietly. "We're both really angry" she observed with a bitter laugh.

"Yeah" he agreed with a ragged breath.

"If I…" her voice trailed off and she sucked in a breath. Her entire body was shaking as they both revealed more about themselves than they likely had intended to do. "If I tell you that I can't talk any more today, will you believe me that I'm not trying to push you away?" Her tone was quiet but hopeful.

He nodded. "I do because…I feel like I just went ten rounds with Tyson."

She smiled tiredly. "At least I didn't bite your ear."

Patrick smirked in response. "I'll clean up the-"

Robin shook her head. "I'll get it. I just…I need to be alone and kind of process all of this."

He understood exactly what she meant. He was suddenly exhausted and wasn't sure he could hold a conversation with anyone if his life depended on it. Walking to the door, he curled his hand around the knob pausing when he felt Robin's hand on his back.

"We've said a lot today but we're not done" she told him quietly.

He studied her carefully. "The conversation or us?" he asked.

"Both."


	167. Chapter 174

**Chapter 174**

Let the storm pass on through  
And work your way back up to the clearer view

Coming through the door, Eric was surprised to see Josh and Kristina sitting on the couch and Alexis sitting on the table sorting through the first aid kit. Both children turned to the door as they heard him come in and he was unable to mask his surprise at seeing Kristina with a cut, swollen lip and Josh with a black eye.

"Did world war three break out?" he asked as he shrugged off his jacket.

Looking at him overtop her glasses, Alexis shook her head. "No. Apparently we have two little pugilists on our hands that got into a dust up at school."

"With each other?" He was having difficulty imagining the two of them fighting each other; they had been practically inseparable since Josh's arrival.

"Kristina or Josh, would either of you like to tell Eric what happened?"

"We didn't start it" Josh replied quickly, not quite able to meet either adult's eyes.

"It was their fault" Kristina added.

Taking a seat on the table next to Alexis he looked from one child to the other. "What happened?"

The two of them looked at each other, then across the table and back again before Kristina finally spoke up.

"There was a boy – Stephen – and he was picking on Josh – callin' him a freak and a weirdo. I told him to shut up. So then he hit Josh's sh-sh-" she paused over the word.

"His shunt?" Alexis offered.

The young girl nodded. "His shunt. So I punched him. And he punched me back."

"And then what happened?"

Josh looked up, nervously chewing on his lip. "I punched him in the nose. You aren't supposed to hit girls."

"You aren't supposed to hit anyone" Eric reminded him gently.

He dropped his gaze to his lap. "I know. Then Stephen hit me in the face and the teacher broke it up. We all got detention tomorrow."

Alexis gave her boyfriend a knowing look. "I told them it was a good thing that they stuck up for each other but things are better resolved without punching than with punching."

Eric winked at her. "Alexis is right."

"I've kind of patched them up" she said, "put you may want to take a look at Josh's shunt. I'll take Kristina in for her bath."

"Okay," he brushed his lips against hers. He took Kristina's seat on the couch and gently took the young boy's arm in his hand, examining it. "Does it hurt?"

Silently, he shook his head biting down on his lower lip. Eric tried to catch his eye but Josh steadfastly refused to look at him.

"It must have hurt when he hit it though?"

Getting no response, he pulled him onto his lap and closed his arms around, kissing the top of his head. "I'm sorry Stephen was mean to you" he told him softly.

"Are you mad at me?" came the small voice.

He gently rubbed his back. "No Josh, I'm not. I'm proud of you for sticking up for Kristina but Alexis is right, it's better to avoid fighting if we can."

Finally looking up at him with tears in his eyes, Josh hugged him back. "I love you Eric," he whispered.

His heart near to bursting, he scooped the young boy up in his arms. "I love you too. Now, let's get you cleaned up, okay?"

*****  
With all three children fed, bathed and in bed, Eric grabbed a beer from the fridge and headed out to the front porch where Alexis sat under a blanket, staring up at the night sky. Taking a sip of his beer, he slipped behind her on the lounge chair and passed the bottle to her. He closed his arms around her and nuzzled her neck.

Alexis took a sip and leaned back against him, her head resting on his shoulder. She was torn about her daughter's actions. She knew she should be more upset that her bright, mannered child had resorted to fisticuffs to solve her problem but at the same time she admired her spirit and her loyalty. But she was also distracted by other thoughts and feeling Eric's tongue curl around her earlobe only further drove those thoughts home.

"Brenda is beautiful, don't you think?" she asked quietly.

Busying his hands by undoing the ties on her dress, he shrugged and continued to lave his attention on her neck. "Yeah, I suppose."

"She was with Sonny for a long time – I mean before he and I were ever together. She's…uh….she's single."

Eric stopped his ministrations and lifted his head. "Are you trying to get rid of me?"

"No" she replied quietly, shivering slightly as her dress started to fall open. "I was just thinking that you're kind of both closer in age and probably have a lot in common."

With his brow knit together in confusion he shifted on the lounge chair so they were facing each other. He gently brushed her bangs from her face and gave her a small smile. "I'm not interested in Brenda, Alexis. Is there something about my behaviour that leads you to believe otherwise?"

Sighing quietly, she shook her head. She hated being neurotic; she hated being jealous; she hated being so insecure in any relationship that she kept expecting the other person to leave her. It had been an innocent, innocuous sight - Brenda in Eric's office - but it had stirred up some terrible memories and she had been left feeling off balance ever since.

"You two kind of looked good together...when she was in your office."

Smiling sympathetically, he circled his arms around her and tugged her towards him. He brushed his lips against hers before holding her even tighter. "I really wish you'd let me lobotomize your ex-husband," he said swallowing down his anger. Every time he thought of the way she had been treated - with such callousness and disrespect - he wanted to find him and remove his frontal lobe. Or temporal lobe. Or his cerebral cortex. He really wasn't fussy about which.

"I'm sorry I'm so neurotic" she mumbled against his chest.

"I don't need you to apologize" he told her softly. "I just need to know that you believe me - that I'm no interested in Brenda or any other woman - that I'm in love with you."

"I do" she whispered.

"Good. Because I love you and I love the pseudo-family we're building."

Lifting her head from his chest she traced his bottom lip with her fingertip. "Nothing pseudo about it" she corrected. "We are a family."

******  
"So you haven't spoken to him in three days?" Brenda asked, passing over a milkshake as she unpacked their lunch from Kelly's.

Robin gratefully sucked on her drink as she shook her head. It had been a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings and fears since the early morning unveiling of truth. His words continued to echo loudly in her head and some of her feelings about his actions swirled up, biting at her, reminding her that she still hadn't said everything she needed to say. As had become habit, her hand slipped into her pocket and fingered the medallion she had pinned there. He had called her a warrior when he had put it around her neck and she was. She was fighting for herself and for them. For their family.

"I'm still sorting through it all," she finally answered.

"You haven't told me much of what he said," she observed.

"I don't think I want to" she answered quickly and then paused. She had, somewhat out of character, kept the conversation to herself. She had not unloaded on Mac nor had she revealed all to her best friend - the one who knew every secret she'd ever had. "Patrick....I share a lot with a lot of people," she admitted. "And I think sometimes that may not leave a lot left for me to share with him - or it dillutes what I share with him."

Brenda cocked an eyebrow. "He only wants you to talk to him?"

"No, no. He just doesn't want me talking to others to his exclusion. And he's right. I've not done a good job confiding in him - we've not done a good job in confiding in each other. The crazy thing is, I think we've both tried in our own, clumsy way but we've not come close." She set her drink down on the table and pulled her legs underneath. "I...I told him I couldn't trust him."

Turning on the couch to face her, Brenda fixed her with a look. "You weren't without reason to say that Robin."

"I know but-"

Brenda shook her head. "No buts. Look, Robs, I want you two together - I think he is so good for you and more importantly I think you are the catch of the century. But just because you guys have hashed some of this out I don't want you to just sweep everything else under the rug."

Chuckling softly, Robin smiled. "You're unstoppable."

"Most days"

"You're right though. There are reasons why I told him that and we will work through them but at the same time I need to show him that I'm willing to try. I think...I think one of the ways I can do that is by not sharing every detail with others. I want him to know that our relationship, what happens between the two of us is important...and for us."

Her best friend grinned at her as she popped a french fry into her mouth. "Sounds smart."

"We'll see" she laughed. Taking a bite of her hamburger, she replayed parts of their conversation - their fight - over again. "There is one thing he did say - he accused me of hiding."

"That can't be a surprise to you"

Blowing out her cheeks, she shrugged. "Not really but I thought I was getting better at that."

Tilting her head to the side, Brenda studied her for a moment before speaking. She had literally seen her best friend through some trials - in all honesty, they had seen each other through - and she sometimes felt she knew her better than she knew herself.

"You've never been this close to having it all before," she remarked. "You were a girl with Stone and things were....they were unsettled with Jason. I don't think you knew who you were yet then. And when explosions and endings are all you know, it's not unreasonable for you to hide when the finish line gets close thinking it's going to happen again."

Robin did a double take as a slow smile spread across her face. "When did you get to be so smart?"

Brenda shrugged. "It was bound to happen eventually."

Stifling a giggle, Robin took another bite of her hamburger. A sense of peace was poking and prodding through all the madness and she knew she just had to keep taking steps forward and eventually it would come together. "I know Patrick and I aren't out of the woods yet but for the first time I think I can really see the path - I know where I need to go."

Scooting over on the couch, Brenda wrapped her friend in a warm embrace. "I am so proud of you" she told her. "You know, another time, another place and you would have given up and walked away by now."

"Not here though" she replied. "I love him and I won't give up. The truth is the former won't let me do the latter and that is what keeping me going."


	168. Chapter 175

**Chapter 175**

Lay down your armour now and I'll come to you

Perspiration streaked down his face as he ploughed one fist and then the other into the bag. Much like when his father had been drinking and he felt helpless, boxing had become his release. As frustration built and knotted inside him, he would slip on the gloves and pound as hard as he could, for as long as he could until it passed or he dropped to his knees.

It had been five days since their conversation and he could not stop reliving it in his head; every word, every gesture, every sound. She had accused him of withholding from her and the plain truth was he had. From the very first tremor until his surgery he had held back from sharing it all with her and upon further reflection, he wasn't entirely sure why. At the time he had told himself and anyone who would listen that he did it for her and he used every milestone she was facing as a reason – her grief over April Gilbert's death, the Nurses' Ball, Christmas, Valentine's Day. If he had thought of it he probably would have used the Equinox too. And all the while, he was demanding that she be open and trusting in him when he was not able to meet the same expectation.

"I'm an ass" he grunted as he pounded the bag.

His head whipped around at the knock on the door. Peeling off his gloves he tossed them to the side and jogged across the loft and pulled it open. It was hard to tell who had the bigger shock – Patrick, face to face with a clearly glowing Robin or Robin, face to face with a sweaty, shirtless Patrick.

"Robin," he panted breathlessly, suddenly aware of his ratty old shorts and the perspiration dripping from him.

"I should have called."

He shook his head and took her hand. "No, come in – is everything okay?"

She smiled at him reassuringly. It was always the way with him – her welfare mattered and regardless of how angry or upset he was with her, she knew he still cared.

"I'm fine. I just… I was thinking since we're both off we could carry on our conversation from the other day." She shoved her hands in her pockets to keep from sweeping them across his well defined chest. "If…if you'd be okay with that?"

A small sense of relief washed over him. In his mind the only way for them to move forward was to keep talking but he had never been very good at starting conversations.

"I'd like that," he admitted. "Let me get changed. Do you want something to eat? Drink? There's stuff in the kitchen – you should just help yourself" he called over his shoulder as he climbed the stairs. He couldn't quite figure out if his knees were shaking because of the boxing or because of her, but either way he knew he needed a moment to collect himself.

Robin wandered into the kitchen and pulling down two glasses from the cupboard, poured some juice and carried them back to the living room. She had woken up this morning with an urge to talk – with a need to talk. It was as though having finally put some order to the thoughts in her head she was ready to continue. But being ready did little to diminish her nervousness.

Patrick came down the stairs, freshly showered, in a pair of battered jeans and a faded green t-shirt. He gratefully accepted the proffered juice and sat down on the other end of the couch.

"You're boxing a lot," she remarked, not quite ready yet to dive in.

He chuckled softly. "I think I might be addicted. You…you look great."

Blushing slightly, she tucked her hair behind her ears. "Thanks. I was thinking the same thing about you." She drained the juice, almost wishing it was something stronger and then turned to him. "You said we."

"Huh?"

"The other day when you were talking about my HIV," she clarified quietly. "You talked about the nightmare appointment where we find out we are out of options. You said we, like we're a team."

Leaning forward, he brought his elbows to rest on his knees. "I guess…I guess I think we are – were – are." He shook his head so unsure about the terminology he should be using. "Robin….when something happens to you, it happens to me. And it's been that way for long time – right back to the day you passed out in the locker room with the virus. I didn't know you that well but I….my…..I nearly stopped breathing when you went all limp and unresponsive."

The hazy memory replayed in her mind. He had been authoritative and commanding during that time. New to the hospital, he had bullied, cajoled, supported and pushed people into doing and giving everything they could. And when she fell sick he was by her side.

"If we are a team when it comes to my health," she began gently, "then why weren't we one when it came to yours? Why did you keep everything from me?"

Getting to his feet, he started to pace around the wide open space of the apartment. It was a simple question lacking a simple answer.

"I don't know" he admitted.

Having expected him to tell her it was for her protection, she was shocked by his revelation. The corners of her mouth twitched upwards into the briefest of smiles as she understood that he had been as full of introspection as she had. This could only bode well for them.

"No?" she queried gently.

"Well I mean…I have an idea but I don't know that it makes any sense."

"Try me" she encouraged.

He stepped around the furniture, rolling the idea around in his head. It was one of those thoughts that always seemed just slightly out of reach for conscious expression and he wasn't entirely sure how to explain it.

"I don't think I know how to share" he told her finally. "I think when I do it's more by accident than by design."

Not wanting to get in the way of what he was working up to, she said nothing. She wanted this revelation – they needed it and she was well aware of how scary it could be to lay yourself emotionally bare for another person but that's where they were at. Their future depended on it.

"I…I t-t-told you once that being a child of an alcoholic was an isolating experience. That you become a master of deception as you try to keep your two worlds separate and I think…I think in the process you learn to separate yourself from everything. And sharing means depending on another person – trusting they're going to be there."

"You don't think I'll be there for you?"

Biting hard on his bottom lip, he sank down on the arm of the large wingback chair. "The truth?"

"We need it," she reminded him.

"It's going to sound stupid."

"I promise not to laugh."

"I think maybe I was…I think maybe, in the back of my mind, I know there is going to be a day when you aren't there" His voice rasped, thick with emotion. "And maybe I try not to depend on you so much because if I do, if I get used to having your support and then you're not there…..I don't want to be my dad" he whispered. "I don't want to fall to pieces when you…."

"When I die?" she offered quietly.

Several stray tears trickled down his face and chewing on his bottom lip, he nodded almost imperceptibly.

Robin nervously wrung her hands together. There had been tentative conversations about mortality, often with a veneer of bravado but as their relationship deepened, the discussion of the subject stopped. It was as though the further in they got, the less they wanted to deal with it. But it formed part of their foundation; her mortality and his. What the future looked like both together and alone.

She stayed seated where she was, not quite trusting herself to stand. "Brenda told me that my biggest fear is not being left but leaving."

He blinked several times both to wash away the tears and to process what she had just said. His tongue darted from his mouth and swiped at his suddenly dry lips. "What do you mean?"

"I mean….It was easier, in a way, not to fall in love. I know what the future holds to a certain extent and while I don't fear death, I am uneasy about dying – about the process of slowly slipping away." Her lower lip quivered as she started to voice thoughts that had previously been denied. "If I didn't fall in love then the only people who would suffer really would be my family. And….I would miss them terribly because I love them so much but that's not the same thing as knowing that I am being forced to give up the man I love – that I'm leaving him behind to go on without me. And so I had mostly convinced myself that I wouldn't fall in love but I never counted on meeting you."

More tears streaked down Patrick's cheeks and he swiped furiously at them as he listened to her speak in her soft, rich voice. Robin's tears mirrored his and she dragged the back of her hand across her face to sop them up.

"My whole world changed when I met you" she told him. "I have never, ever felt like this before and I am not going to have enough time" she rasped. "I'm not going to have enough time to love you, not enough time to do all the things I want with you. And I'm not going to have enough time with our family. And that devastates me."

"There is no such thing as enough time" he countered softly. "That would mean there is an end point, a moment where one of us would have had enough of the other and I don't think love works like that. I'm not an expert on the subject but I just don't think it works like that. I think my Dad would have fallen to pieces to some extent even he had another 25 years with my Mom because I don't think you can quantify it."

"Maybe it would be better if you didn't build a life with someone like me – if you let yourself be open to the possibility of falling in love with someone else."

He shook his head in violent protest. "I don't understand that" he told her. "I don't understand how people fall in love more than once. I didn't even know it at the time but I have been waiting my whole life for you. It is impossible for me to believe that there is another person in the world who can give me what you do, who can love me like you do. I simply cannot conceive of loving someone else after loving you. And then there's the fact that I don't want to build a life with someone like you – I want to build a life with you."

"I want a life with you too" she finally admitted. Patrick could not contain his smile at finally hearing the words out loud. "But what we want doesn't change what we're afraid of. It doesn't change what's in our way."

He nodded in agreement. "We'll never be able to fully put it out of the way, but maybe we can shove it off to the side."

"I'd like to try that" she said tearfully.

"Me too."

"So we keep talking?"

"Yeah" he agreed hoarsely. "We keep talking."

Getting to her feet Robin crossed the room to where he sat and grabbing a fistful of his t-shirt, pulled him towards her. Closing her mouth over his with delicate pressure, she kissed him with a quiet passion, revealing as much there as they had with their words.

Patrick cupped her face, his thumb gently stroking along her cheekbones and he pressed his forehead against hers. His nerve endings were raw and exposed and he was suddenly exhausted. His mind could barely process a single, coherent thought save one – standing still was beginning to feel very good.


	169. Chapter 176

**Chapter 176**

These are the days in between

"I swear to god, I think I'm starting to show" Robin said, looking at her lunch partners across the table. "Nothing is really fitting the way it should."

Brenda cast a measured glance over her friend and shook her head. "I don't think so. I mean your boobs are bigger but your belly is still on the flat side."

Frowning, she looked at her friend and then to her belly and back. "You need glasses. I have a belly."

Chuckling softly, Alexis reached for her wine glass. "Don't rush it Robin. I know it seems all romantic to have the baby bump and it's sweet and all but the bump keeps growing and before you know it you can't see your feet or shave your legs."

"See" Brenda teased, "you'll need to make up with Patrick by then or you're going to have the hairiest legs in Port Charles."

"Or you can delay your return to Rome and stick around and be my personal leg shaver" she shot back with a smile.

Stifling a giggle, Brenda shook her head. "Not a chance."

"Besides," Alexis interjected, "she's going to need to make it up with Patrick before not being able to shave becomes an issue."

"The horny phase?" Brenda asked.

"Yup," Alexis grinned. "How far along are you Robin?"

"I'm almost five months." Her cheeks were tinged red at the turn in the conversation.

"Any day now" she said in a sing song voice. "I swear when I was pregnant with Molly I was this close" she pinched her fingers together, "to taking a month off and forcing Ric to take a month off so he could….meet my considerable needs."

The other two women screamed with laughter and for the first time Robin was really beginning to feel as though she was enjoying her pregnancy. She was also feeling more confident about where things were headed with Patrick. They had both restated – or in her case, finally stated to him – their desire to be together. They recognized there were obstacles in their path and she was under no illusions that it would be smooth sailing but finally, finally, she was willing to believe in their future together.

Her sessions with Lainey continued and while articulating her feelings was becoming easier, the intensity of them had not lessened and it was easy for her to be wiped out at the end of an hour. There were still days when little voices whispered in her ear that maybe it wasn't worth it, maybe nothing was worth all of this; but when that happened she would reach into her wallet and pull out the ultrasound photo and remind herself that it took a lot of love to make a baby and that she loved both of them – Patrick and their child – so very much.

In the week since the conversation at his apartment, Robin had taken to texting him good night. It was a silly, small gesture but she wanted to remind him that she was there and that she was thinking of him as she fell asleep. The first time she did it, she received one in kind and then the next morning woke up to a good morning text from him. Slowly but with infinite surety, they were each taking down the walls a brick at a time.

It was an odd position to be in – to be madly in love with a person – but seemingly lost in the swirling vortex of baggage but there was a way out and they simply needed to keep taking steps towards it. One of the benefits of the experience so far was that she knew, unequivocally, that she never again wanted to live with the fear that was keeping her from the life she wanted.

"I'm so sorry to interrupt."

The sound of Patrick's voice pulled her from her thoughts and she looked up at him in surprise. "Patrick."

With an apologetic smile forming on his face he jammed his hands into his pockets. "I…I didn't realize you were all having lunch together, I thought…I thought you were just picking up some take out – that's what Epiphany said. I'll….I'll catch up with you later."

As he turned to walk away, Robin jumped to her feet and grabbed his arm. "Patrick, wait."

Smiling, he shook his head. "I don't want to interrupt."

Looking at her friends, Robin said, "If you'll both excuse me for a moment, I'll be right back."

Taking Patrick's hand, she led him outside to the terrace. His words about not knowing how to share had resonated with her and if he had taken the time to track her down, then there was clearly something he wanted or needed to tell her and she was going to ensure that he did.

"I feel like an ass" he told her as they stood outside. "I really thought you were just picking up some takeout and I thought…I thought I…we…could have lunch together 'cause there's…I got some news."

She blinked several times and tried desperately to swallow down the lump forming in her throat.

"Wh-what kind of news?" She nervously twisted her fingers around each other.

"I got the results of my most recent HIV test this morning and I'm still negative. I…I wanted you to know that."

Riding a wave of sudden relief, she threw herself into his arms and hugged him tightly. "I am so glad" she told him throatily. "So very glad."

Patrick closed his eyes as he held on to her. His first thought after Alan had given him the results was to find her; he wanted to share the news with her. He had not doubted the results would be different but thinking something and knowing it definitively was another matter. And a part of him hoped that the news, the confirmation that she had not infected him, would go some ways in bridging the shrinking gulf between them.

He slowly let her go and shoved his hands back in his pockets. "I really didn't mean to interrupt lunch – it probably could have waited."

Robin shook her head. "No, it really couldn't have. It…it means a lot to me that you came to find me and tell me."

"I…uh….I'm going to assist my Dad in a surgery tomorrow."

Her eyes widened in surprise and she covered her mouth with her hand. The enormity of the achievement was not lost on her. So much of how he defined himself resided in his abilities as a surgeon. It had, by his own admission, been one way he coped with the loss and disappointment in his life, telling her at one point that even when everything else was falling to pieces he could count on the OR as a touchstone of order for him. She had understood how difficult it had been for him to have to stop operating as his condition deteriorated and then how monumentally frustrating it was for him to struggle to regain full control after his surgery.

"I am so proud of you" she beamed.

"I'm nervous" he admitted quietly, not quite meeting her eyes.

She stepped closer to him and caught his gaze. "Patrick, I have such faith in your talent as a surgeon. I know it's been a few months since you've been inside the OR but you're going to be great."

A grateful smile formed along his mouth and he gave a small shrug. "I hope. At least…at least it's my Dad and so I won't feel like I have to show off."

Suppressing a small laugh, Robin smiled. "As much. You won't feel you have to show off as much – a leopard can't change all of his spots."

He laughed in agreement. "You should get back inside – I really didn't mean to disrupt your lunch."

"Why don't you join us?" she asked quickly, biting her lip as she waited for an answer.

Opening his mouth to reply, he was about to decline. He was still being cautious about how much time they spent together, well aware that it would be easy to get swept up in the moment that their issues would get swept aside. More than anything he wanted to marry her and was willing to do whatever was needed to get to that point.

But finding he was not quite ready to leave, he replied, "Okay. I'd…I'd like that."

They walked back inside and were met with a hopeful smile by Brenda; Alexis, on the phone, had her head bowed and her eyes closed.

"So" Brenda began jokingly as they sat down, "were you guys talking baby names? Because I have to say that I think Brenda is a terrific name for a child."

Smirking, Patrick arched his eyebrow. "And what if we have a boy?"

"Well first of all, that won't happen but if by some fluke of nature it does, Brendan of course."

"Of course." He turned to Robin. "She's not actually going to have any real influence over our child, is she?"

She grinned. "Have no fear Patrick, we'll break you into Brenda slowly."

"Hmm" he frowned, "I'm not entirely convinced about that."

They all turned their attention to Alexis as she snapped her phone shut. Suddenly pale, her face was pinched and her hand trembled slightly as she took hold of her wine glass.

"Alexis?" Robin prodded, "is everything okay? Is it one of the kids?"

She shook her head before taking a deep breath to steady herself. "That was Child and Family Services. Josh has an aunt who has come forward and asked for custody."

Patrick blanched. "They aren't…they aren't just going to give it to her, are they?"

Setting her glass down, Alexis straightened her shoulders and slowly exhaled. "There's an emergency hearing in three days but barring some kind of past as sociopath, they most certainly will give her custody."

"Josh is going to be so upset" Brenda remarked quietly.

"He's going to be heartbroken," Alexis corrected, "and he isn't the only one."


	170. Chapter 177

**Chapter 177**

And he carries the reminders of every glove that laid him down or cut him

Standing over the kitchen sink, staring out the window and watching Kristina and Molly happily chasing the bubbles Josh was blowing, Eric rubbed his chest trying to undo the knot that had formed there the minute Alexis has told him the news. He tried to be practical and accept that living with an actual relative would be best for Josh but he didn't really believe it. Selfishly he believed that he was the better choice, he believed that the home life provided by he and Alexis was superior to anything that his aunt would be able to offer but it didn't matter. People still believed biology trumped all regardless of what the evidence showed.

The hearing was scheduled for late morning and while he had explained to Josh what was going on and that there was a very real chance he would be going home with his aunt, he wasn't sure the young boy understood. He seemed almost oblivous to what could happen and Eric found himself envying his denial. He tugged at his tie, feeling as though it was suffocating him; he would give almost anything to avoid the inevitable.

Closing his eyes, he exhaled slowly as Alexis' arms slid around his waist and she pressed a kiss to his shoulder. Turning towards her, he tilted her head upwards and kissed her softly.

"You're awfully quiet" she told him as she followed his gaze out the window.

He gave a small shrug. "I'm not sure there is anything to say."

Leaning against the counter she smiled reassuringly. "Look, Josh has bonded with us as a family and he has a strong emotional attachment to you. He is doing well in school and a lot of his behavioural issues seem to be better controlled. The judge could still rule in our favour."

"I don't believe that," he replied simply.

"I'm a very good lawyer," she gently reminded him.

Eric reached for her hand and brought it to his lips, kissing it. "I know you are but miracles don't happen every day Alexis." Smiling gamely, he let go of her hand. "I'm going to get Josh changed into his suit - probably best if we aren't late for court."

Watching as he walked out of the kitchen, Alexis exhaled. She knew it was a long shot for them, to come out of the hearing still maintaining custody of Josh but she needed to give it everything she had; she feared there was so much more at stake than just where Josh was going to live.

****  
Patrick paced around the apartment, nervous energy coursing through his veins. A glance at the clock told him the hearing had just begun. He had offered to go and provide moral support but Eric had asked him to stay away. He suspected it was because he was sure of the outcome and he didn't want witnesses to his humiliation; it was a feeling he understood well.

He hated what was happening to his friend and the inequity of it all had churned up some dormant feelings inside of him. He was angry - furious even. He was angry at how sick he had been, at what it had cost him, at what it had cost others and he was angry about the state of his relationship with Robin. True, they were slowly working their way back to each other but he found himself unexpectedly enraged that they were having to do so. He knew he had contributed to the how things were but he was still left feeling as though he was being held responsible for so much that was not within his control. And this was not the first time he had been through that.

Hearing a knock at the door, he looked back at the clock; it was too early for it to be Eric. Blowing out his cheeks in an effort to lower his heart rate, he strode to the door and pulled it open. He was surprised to find Robin on the other side.

"Hi" she smiled.

"Hi" he replied flatly.

His eyes seemed darker, almost obsidian in colour and she should have seen the warning in them but she pushed it to the side. "I...I wasn't sure if you'd be at the hearing or not but I thought I'd come and check on you. Can I....can I come in?"

Shrugging, Patrick stepped out of the way and let her across the threshold. He wasn't much in the mood for talking and if he wasn't so caught up in the swirl of emotions circling inside him, he would have told her that. He would have suggested that she come back another day but he just didn't have it in him, not today.

"So you didn't go to the hearing?"

He continued to pace around the apartment, retracing the path he had worn earlier. "Smitty asked me not to. And you know me, I live to do what others ask of me."

She quirked her eyebrow up at his tone but made no comment. "No boxing today?"

"It's not a cureall Robin, just a way to release some tension."

Her spirit deflated slightly as his foul mood permeated the room. They had had a good couple of days after lunch at the Metrocourt - she had gone to see him after his first trip back to the OR and he had swung by her lab with a bag of red licorice after she mentioned it was her new craving. But now, seemingly inexplicably, they seemed to be a few steps back.

"You're upset about Eric," she observed.

Stopping, he turned and looked at her. He slung his hands low on his hips and exhaled slowly. "Well it's no fun to watch someone lose something that matters so much to them. It's actually no fun to lose something that matters to you."

She sat down on the couch and stared at him. "I'm not sure how much of this has to do with Eric and how much has to do with us - do you want to clue me in?"

He started to pace again. The words were burning a hole on his tongue, aching to be said but he didn't quite trust himself to speak. Things change when words are said and it's not possible to unsay them. His heart started to thunder and his breathing shortened; finally unable to swallow it down any further he stood still, folding his arms across his chest and glared at her.

"I think it's ridiculously unfair for you to tell me that you can't trust me. I think that's one of the biggest lines of bullshit I've ever been fed and frankly with a drunk as a father I've been fed a lot of bullshit."

Robin recoiled slightly at his sudden invective. In many ways it was not unexpected but it still took her by surprise. Taking a deep breath she paused for a moment before replying. "You know why I said that," she told him evenly.

"Yes" he snapped. "And I still think it's crap. Yes I left you and I am sorry. But I don't understand how one decision I made in a moment of utter and complete weakness undoes every good thing I've done. I don't understand how you are willing to discount everything about our relationship over that and yet still expect me to be understanding of your reasons for not telling me about your failed protocol or for taking off after you found out you were pregnant. You talked about finding out about my tumour from my best friend - finding out about my child from the garbage wasn't any better."

His cheeks burned angrily and his eyes blazed. He was tired of always being asked to make allowances for other people's baggage - his father's, Robin's, when he was dragging his own behind him.

She winced as though she had been struck. He wasn't wrong but she had never viewed it through that lens. With a shaky breath, Robin got to her feet. "It may not have been fair," she agreed, "but....but those are the scars I bring with me and my trust.....it's not easily given but it is easily withdrawn-"

"What about what I bring with me?" he asked, thumping his chest. "I have...I have watched first my father and then you choose the past over me. Over me. I was not enough for my father to stop drinking," he rasped, "and I'm not enough for you to leave the past behind. I am not perfect but I am here - right here and some day that has just got to matter more than anything else."

The tears stung as they welled in her eyes and she gave them a small swipe. "It does - you do" she told him emphatically. "Why do you think I'm going to Lainey? I want it all with you," she told him tearfully, "and I don't want to be afraid of having it any longer."

"Then forgive me" he demanded.

"What?"

"Forgive me." As the energy bubbled up inside him he began once again to pace. "Since that night at the house we have said a lot of things to each other - we've talked about how much we love each other, what we mean - you've even finally told me that you want a future with me but you have never once told me that you forgive me for leaving."

She bit down on her lip as she struggled to stay in control. "I'm working on it."

"You're...you're working on it? You're working on it? Is what I've done really that unforgivable?"

"No." Tears started to trickle down her face as she answered. She wanted to forgive him and didn't understand why it didn't come easily.

"And really, do you really believe that I would leave you again? I was broken Robin - I was broken and scared for my life and I wasn't thinking straight."

"I know" she said as she walked towards him. She stopped where she stood as he took several steps back. "It isn't fair of me but I....it doesn't change how that made me feel."

"And what about how I felt?" he shot back. "What about me when I found you in the shower covered in spots or in the Hamptons hiding out because you discovered you were pregnant? Do you have any idea what it feels like trying to keep up with someone who keeps trying to run away?"

"Yeah I do" she answered sharply. "It's what I've been doing with you."

"Terrific" he snarked. "So we're even."

"It's not a competition," she remarked quietly, moving back to the couch. "I was wrong to have hidden the changes in my health from you - I did it when you were in the hospital and I did it when were in the Hamptons and when we got home. I was wrong and I am very sorry." Taking a serrated breath, she wrung her hands together as she spoke. "Are you....are you having second thoughts about us being a family?"

It was one of the most difficult questions she had ever asked but she needed to know if they had gone past the point of no return. His anger seeped from him and she worried that their issues might finally be bigger than their love.

He shook his head. "I think it would be easier if I was" he sighed. "But I'm not. I know what I want - I want to be your husband and I want us to raise our child together but I don't know how to get there from here."

Robin smoothed down her hair and took a deep breath. "I thought we had taken some really good steps towards each other. I thought....the last time we talked here and when you came to find me at lunch....I thought we were getting somewhere. I'm not....I'm not saying you're wrong to be angry but can you tell me what brought this on?"

He scoffed slightly as he rose to his feet again. He was incapable of sitting still and felt like he could breathe if he was in motion. "My best....my best friend is in a courtroom right now listening to a judge tell him that despite his best intentions, despite everything he has to offer, he's not enough. And I was just reminded of all the times I've felt like that - the most recent being that night at the house."

Tiredly, Robin rubbed her hands over her face. Blinded by her own painful memories of the past she had not realized how deeply her actions had hurt him and the understanding she now had of it left her nearly breathless.

"What can I do?"

"I need you to forgive me" he replied quickly and directly. "I need you to tell me that I'm forgiven."

"I hurt you" she reminded him. "I confirmed some of your largest fears. Are you saying that you've forgiven me?"

"Yes" he replied simply.

"How?"

He shrugged, jamming his hands into his pockets. "I just did. Because a future with you is more important to me than anything in my past. It doesn't mean I'm not mad, it just means it's not bigger than you. But until you can do the same where I'm concerned, I'm not sure we have any more steps to take."

Robin gasped. "Patrick-"

Interrupted by the shrill ring of the telephone cutting through the tension, both of them jumped. Patrick crossed the room, picking up the phone.

"Hello?" He listened intently to the caller.

Robin watched him closely. His brow was knit together and a pained expression was etched on his face. She marveled at how easily he had forgiven her when she was having difficulty doing the same. He was right, it was impossible for them to move any further until they - she - dealt with the issue blocking their way. The ball was now squarely in her court and their future rested on her shoulders.

Hanging up the phone, he turned to look at her. "The judge has ruled against them. Josh will given to his aunt tomorrow."

"I'm very sorry" she told him. "For Josh, for Eric.....for everything."

He nodded. "Yeah. Me too."


	171. Chapter 178

**Chapter 178**

It looks like rain

Josh crawled into Eric's lap, resting his head against his chest. He sighed sadly as he felt Eric's arms close around him. "I don't wanna go with aunt Lucie. Please" he asked plaintively, "please let me stay." Soothingly rubbing the young boy's back, Eric looked over at his girlfriend who was cuddling both of her daughters.

It had been a difficult 24 hours since the judge had rendered his decison. He had pointed out the newness of the relationship between Eric and Alexis and reminded them that they were not married and under other circumstances would not have even been considered as foster parents. While he praised the home they had provided he did not believe that it would trump the home that a blood relative could provide. Lucie, a single woman with no children of her own, had been living in Oregeon and claimed to have been unaware that her nephew was in any trouble at all. She had agreed to move to Port Charles temporarily so that his medical care could continue. Josh had been inherently suspicious of her and held fast to Eric's leg when they were introduced, unwilling to do more than shake her hand.

He and Alexis had done their best to explain the judge's decision first to Josh and then to the girls but it had done little to stem the flow of tears from any of them nor slow the presentation of possible solutions that only children could come up with.

"Josh, Lucie loves you very much and she's going to take good care of you. And I'll still see you at the hospital when you have your dialysis appointments."

He looked up at him, his eyes wide, betraying every fear he had. "But...but what if you aren't working when I have my appointment?"

Smiling reassuringly, he stroked his hair. "I've written down all your appointments and I promise even if I'm not working I'll be there."

Sniffling, the young boy looked over to where the girls were sitting. "What about Alexis, Kristina and Molly?"

"Well you'll still see Kristina at school," Alexis replied once she saw the difficulty Eric was having formulating an answer. "And Molly and I will come visit you at the hospital."

"Promise?"

"We promise" she told him. "Super duper promise."

A knock at the door signalled the beginning of the end and Eric felt Josh coil in his lap. Alexis slowly got to her feet and answered the door. She was having difficulty hiding her own disappointment at not being able to sway the judge and felt as though she had failed her family. She greeted Lucie and the case worker with a brave smile and let them in.

Eric had prepared a list of things Lucie needed to be aware of - how to care for his shunt, his medication, techniques he had used to soothe him when he was plagued by nightmares. He had also given her the portable video game he had bought and when she refused at first, saying she didn't believe in video games, he told her it was important for his ongoing hand/eye coordination that had been impacted by her sister's abuse. He had tried not to be bitchy but wasn't always successful.

"Hi Josh," Lucie said, crouching down. "Ready to come home?"

"I am home" he answered, flatly.

Plastering on a smile, she nodded. "I know but we're going to go to you new home. I have a room all set up for you and Eric has given me your Harry Potter bedspread, so we're set. Why don't you say goodbye to everyone and then we'll get going?"

Eric gently put him on the ground and he reluctantly made his way over to Kristina and Molly who had both started to cry again. The three children hugged tightly until Eric slipped his hand inside Josh's and carefully pulled him away from the group. Josh ran to Alexis and let himself be scooped up in her arms.

"I love you Josh" she told him as she kissed his cheek. "Very much."

"Me too" he replied quietly.

She had no sooner set him back on the ground than he had moved back to Eric, taking his hand and sticking close to his leg. Eric crouched down and brushed his hair from his face. "I've put my phone number inside your Harry Potter book and inside your pencil case" he said quietly. "If you get scared or have a problem, you call me and I'll be there."

"Really Doctor Smitherman," Lucie interrupted, "I don't think that's necessary."

The muscle along his cheek twitched as he ground his teeth together in an effort to reign in his temper. "I do" he bit out. "Josh is free to call me any time he needs to." Turning his attention back to the young boy, he pulled him into his arms. "I love you buddy" he told him quietly. "I love you lots."

"I don't want to go with her," he sobbed softly into his shoulder.

Eric kissed his cheek. "I know you don't but you have to. She's going to take really good care of you Josh, she loves you just like we do." Afraid if he held on to him much longer he would never be able to let go, he dropped his arms and gave a nod in Lucie's directions. "Go on" he whispered.

He looked uneasily at his aunt and then back to Eric, unable to move. Lucie walked over to him and took him by the hand, gently leading him towards the door. "Let's go home Joshua."

They all waved as he walked out the door and Eric followed them out to the deck, watching as the car drove away. When he could no longer hear the car in the distance, he turned on his heel and followed the deck around to the back, falling into a chair and staring up at the sky. He had no words left.

Alexis watched from the window and felt her own heart cracking at the air of resignation about him. As she watched him slump in the chair she thought that he looked like someone who had had all the air let out of their tires. Looking over and seeing her older daughter comforting her younger one she felt pushed to the breaking point. Picking up the phone, she placed a couple of calls hoping they would help.

******  
Robin's knees started to shake as she saw Patrick hop out of his car. Alexis had called her an hour earlier asking if she could join them for dinner, explaining they were in need of some friendly faces and a way to shift their focus off of themselves. After all the support her friend had provided her in the last year, she was happy to oblige but somehow she had not considered that Patrick would also be there.

She had not seen him since leaving his apartment the day before and her good night text had gone unanswered. His words and his anger had both struck a chord with her but she wasn't any closer to figuring out how to reconcile what he needed with how she felt. And while their relationship had often defied description she truly was at a loss to define what they were to each other today.

Patrick paused as he saw her, giving her a small wave. "Hey" With much of his immediate anger dissipated, he was quieter and more reflective than he had been.

"Hi," she replied tentatively. "I...I didn't know that Alexis had called you too. I hope it's not a problem that I'm here."

Cocking his head to the side, Patrick smiled shyly at her. "Of course not. I hope....I hope we can help them because it sounds like it was a pretty bad day."

Relieved that he wasn't shooting daggers at her, she nodded. "Yeah. Shall we go in?"

He extended his hand to her to guide her up the stairs. Her bump had seemingly shown up over night and Patrick couldn't take his eyes from it; nor could he quell the sudden urge to wrap her in bubble wrap.

Molly ran to the door, jumping into Robin's arms as soon as she walked through. "Robin! Robin!"

"Hi ya Munchkin" she greeted her cheerily, laughing as the young girl gave her a raspberry.

Sneaking in behind her, Patrick joined Alexis and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. With a cursory glance he noticed the dark circles under her eyes and the way her mouth was drawn in a tight line. "How are you?" he asked.

Exhaling, she gave a half smile. "I'm really glad you both could come, I think it'll be good to just have a night among friends."

"Where is he?"

Jerking her head towards the back of the house, she replied, "He's been sitting out there for about two hours, just staring into space."

Nodding, Patrick made a quick detour to the kitchen and retrieved two beers from the refrigerator before joininig his friend on the back deck. He twisted the cap off and passed the bottle to him.

"So you've had a shitty day"

Taking a long drink, he nodded. "Yup. But it was to be expected. We were only his foster parents, it's not like we were adopting him."

Raising his eyebrow, he let him know that he was not buying his line. "But you wanted to and you love him and it sucks that he isn't here."

"What are you going to do?" he asked, shrugging. "He's with family and we all know that family matters."

Leaning back in his chair, Patrick stared out across the lake and for a moment reflected on how far they had come. When they had meant in first year, they had two goals - getting through school and getting girls. As the years went by, their friendship grew and expanded in response and now they were both on the verge of family lives and settling down and their friendship was still stong. It was rare to find someone who could grow with you and still like you at the end.

"Yeah, well you and I both know that love is more important than any genetic ties and the judge was stupid not to recognize it."

Eric took another long sip. "So tell me," he began, changing the subject. "How are things with Robin? Are you ready to propose yet?"

A cold shiver ran down Patrick's back. "I don't want to talk about it."

Scoffing, Eric shook his head. "Well l sure as hell don't want to talk about me so we're going to have to talk about you. What happened?"

"I blew us up" he replied simply.

Extending his bottle, he clinked the neck against Patrick's. "Well done," he drawled. "What did you do?"

It was Patrick's turn to shrug. "I told her that it was bullshit that she couldn't forgive me and that we had no future until she did."

Looking over his shoulder back into the house, he saw Robin and Alexis deep in conversation. The sudden swell of her belly was one of the most amazing sights he had ever seen. The long line of her neck was calling out to him to cover it in kisses and he wanted to get lost in her long, silky hair. Robin was in his system and there was simply no turning away from it, even if he wanted to.

"Wow, what did she say?"

He shook his head. "She said she's working on it."

"Ouch" he observed.

"I know," he sighed. "The thing is Smitty, I really want her to forgive me. I want her to do it so that we can move forward. But mostly I want her to do it because she knows I deserve it."

"She will."

"I hope so" he said hoarsely. "So now can we talk about you?"

"Nope," he replied evenly.

"Smitty - seriously."

He rubbed his hand along his cheek, momentarily contemplating growing a beard. "You warned me - you told me not to get too attached. I got what I deserved."

"You didn't deserve this. You-"

"Patrick!" Alexis called to him from the door. "Come here!"

The urgency in her voice sent him scrambling to his feet as he stumbled through the patio door. He was beside Robin's side in a shot. "Are you okay?"

Nodding tearfully, she reached for his hand and placed it against her stomach. "Our baby just kicked."

"What?" he asked bewildered, sinking to his knees in front of her.

"A kick," she said breathlessly, "our baby just kicked."

"Did it....did it hurt?" he asked. His hand was still pressed against her stomach and his eyes remained locked on hers; his heart thumped loudly in his chest.

"No. It....it feels like a butterfly - a soccer playing butterfly," she amended laughing.

"When I have a pain in my tummy, Eric says it's dragons" Kristina piped up.

The adults laughed heartily and the tension that had been threatening to strangulate the house was suddenly broken. Reaching for Alexis, Eric tugged her towards him and hugged her tightly. He pressed his lips to hers and gave her a small smile. "I love you" he whispered.

"Back at ya" she replied.

"Oh my god!" Patrick exclaimed, his brown eyes wide in shock.

"Did you feel it?" she asked.

"I...I...I think I did." He shook his head in wonder. "That's amazing!!"

As he moved to take his hand away, Robin closed hers around it and kept it where it was. They stared at each other for several beats, saying as much with a look as they could ever possibly say with words.

"We do have a future together," she said quietly.

Patrick gently removed his hand but stayed where he was. "That's up to you."


	172. Chapter 179

**Chapter 179**

The scars we carry remain but the pain slips away it seems

Robin paced around her apartment, absently rubbing her belly. Having returned home from dropping Brenda at the airport she was now trying to untangle the thoughts snarled in her head.

Her best friend had left her with a question to ponder – why was she capable of forgiving everyone in her life except for Patrick? She had reminded her that if Robin were to list the most egregious ways she had been disappointed by both friends and family, realistically Patrick wouldn't even make the list. Her parting advice to her was to let go and take the leap because she was more convinced than ever that Patrick was worth it and more importantly she was worth it.

It was the beauty of best friends, they could push you to see truths that you didn't want to or couldn't realize but always did it from a place of love. Brenda had never pushed her in the direction of any man before; she had encouraged her to date and nudged her to put herself out there but she had never come right out and told her that any of them was the right one for her – until now.

Walking to her bookshelf, she pulled down one of her large photo albums, stuffed to bursting with pictures and memories. Settling down on the floor, leaning against the couch, she began to flip through it.

There were pictures of her with her parents – precious reminders of family life she had only for a short time. She cringed slightly at the high school photos, wondering how she could have ever considered her wardrobe back then to be stylish. She paused over a series of photos with Stone. They were taken just after they had started dating and long before either of them knew the tragic twist their lives would take. Tracing her finger over her face, she looked enviously at the young girl laughing; she had a look of freedom and joy on her face. There was a lightness to her that she had not experienced since….or at least until she fell for Patrick. Continuing to flip through the pages with more images from her past dancing before her, Brenda's question echoed loudly in her ears. Why was she incapable of forgiving Patrick?

A picture from the Nurses' Ball – with her sitting between Sonny and Jason – jarred her. Both men, who had sworn they loved her, had thrown her from their lives. The price of being true to herself was her friends – her support system in many ways. And yet after enough time had passed, she did forgive them – as they forgave her, she supposed. She had even returned to Port Charles to try and save Jason when Brenda and Mac had both told her to leave it be and let someone else take care of it. But she couldn't and in the end her return paid off in ways she had not imagined as it lead her to Patrick.

It was clear to her that she was holding Patrick to a standard that no one else in her life was expected to meet. Hell, she was holding him to a standard that she couldn't even meet. She was expecting him to be perfect when perfection was an illusion. And who knew that better than she did?

Pushing the photo album away, she climbed on the couch and stretched out. Sweeping her hand across her stomach, she closed her eyes and sighed quietly. Patrick had been perfectly clear any chance at a future was with her. It had been a lot of work for her to admit that she really wanted the future with him – that she deserved the future with him. Now she needed to figure out why she could not offer to him what she had so freely given to so many others.

Lying there she was reminded of a conversation they had shared just after he had moved in. They had been playing hide and seek in the apartment when he had been struck by one of the blinding headaches that had been a hallmark of his tumour. She had guided him to the couch, got him an ice pack and slipped in behind him, wrapping her arms around him. He had been talking about his parents' marriage and how a love like that was not sustainable because failure was inevitable.

_"Why are you so afraid of failure?"_

He curled his fingers through hers and brought the palm of her hand to his lips, kissing it softly. "Because the cost of failure is so high. My father failed and I lost everything. I could never do to another person what he did to me."

"So it's easier to keep people at a distance?" she prodded.

He gave a small shrug as he continued to play with her fingers. "Easier, no. But safer, maybe." Turning his head, he looked at her. "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Why aren't you afraid of failure?"

"Because I have failed. Multiple times. Patrick I've failed as much as one person can and I've lived to tell the tale. Without great risk, there is no great reward and I would rather fall on my face having tried to reach for the stars than sit comfortably and never made an effort."

"I might...I might need you to teach me how to do that" he whispered.

As though struck by a thunderbolt, her eyes flew open and she sat up. She had not been completely honest with him in that conversation – or with herself for that matter. It was true, she was not afraid of failure; she was not afraid of her own failure. Life as a researcher meant that you had to fail multiple times before you experienced success. But she was afraid of other people's failure. That was the scar left by Jason and Sonny, by her parents and even by Stone.

That was the tricky thing about scars – they usually faded but it was easy to hang on to the memory of the pain that caused them. Unconsciously she had put herself in a position, not unlike Patrick's, where she kept people at a relative distance. There had been no relationships of significance since Jason and that meant that she no longer had to worry about someone else failing her – about another person falling short of the promises they had made to her.

But now she could see how unrealistic that position was. Failure was a part of the human condition – an argument could be made even that it was a necessary part of the human condition and a key to allowing people to be better. And if you didn't allow the people in your life to disappoint you then how would they ever grow? If you continually reminded them of the mess that they made then you allowed that to be their defining moment and ended all possibility of an opportunity for more.

That was exactly what Patrick had accused her of doing. He told her that he did not accept that a moment of weakness on his part was enough to undo all the good things he had brought to the relationship.

Sighing, she rubbed her hand across her mouth. He was right. He loved her, cherished her and supported her and that was worth far more than the pain of his leaving. Unlike some of the other people in her life, he had allowed her to make mistakes and yet she seemingly could not do the same for him. She was baffled by her own behaviour.

"I don't know baby" she said, patting her stomach, "but I don't think your mom has been very fair to your daddy. How do we fix it?"

Robin knew that it was much more than just telling him that she forgave him; she needed to be able to assure him and herself in the end that the next mistake – because there would be another – would not unravel their relationship. She needed to trust him in a way that she not trusted anyone in a long time. That was easier said than done but she did at least understand now that her hesitancy in fully trusting him really wasn't about his actions but about her fears.

_"I am not perfect but I am here - right here and some day that has just got to matter more than anything else."  
_

He wasn't perfect and neither was she and any expectation that either would be spelled certain downfall for their relationship. He had not caused the scars of the past and she could not make him responsible for them any more than he could hold her responsible for the baggage he carried with him.

She had always talked about living in the present and now it was time for her to put her money where her mouth was. All she needed was a little more help, a little more guidance and then she would be ready.


	173. Chapter 180

**Chapter 180**

It's going to take some time, this time

Hearing a knock on her door, Robin looked up from her slides and did a double take as she saw Darren filling her doorway. Normally rosy-cheeked and high spirited, she was surprised to see him looking pale and drawn.

"Darren, hi!" She waved him in.

He smiled tiredly and stepped inside the lab. As Robin cast a quick glance over him, her eyes fell on the bracelet around his wrist and her heart sank just a little.

"When were you admitted?" she asked.

"Yesterday," he replied. "I was on my way to the caf to get some jello and was wondering if you had a couple of minutes?"

Smiling, she nodded. He had been a source of support for her even when she didn't think she needed it and now she had an opportunity to return the favour. Hooking her arm through his, they walked out of the lab.

His pace was slow and she was somewhat disheartened to see how weak he really was. It had only been a couple of weeks since she had seen him and it was a shock to see such a sudden change in him. They made idle chit chat as they walked to the cafeteria. Once inside, she insisted he sit down, promising to return with jello for him and juice for her.

"I can't believe you're going to eat that stuff" she teased as she pushed the bowl of green jello towards him.

"It's about the only thing I can eat" he replied, spearing one of the jiggling squares with his spoon. "You look great," he told her appreciatively. "Pregnancy really suits you."

"Thanks. You don't actually look that great – want to tell me what's up?"

Smiling ruefully, he shrugged. "My protocol failed about a month ago-"

"You never said" she gasped.

"Honestly? I didn't think it was that big a deal at the time. It's the third time I've been through it and at first I seemed to be tolerating the new drugs well but now not so much."

"Have they tried another combination?"

He nodded, a small grimace on his face. "We're on combination number four," he told her quietly. "Viral load continues to climb, t-cells continue to plummet and I've got fluid in my lungs."

"Oh Darren," she sighed. "I am so sorry."

"Me too," he sighed. "I know they're going to find the right combination, it's just kind of hell on wheels until they do."

"How's Melinda coping with it?"

"She's trying to put on a brave face but I know….I know it's killing her."

Robin nodded in agreement. It was so easy to lose sight of how the disease affected others when you were the one fighting the battle but Patrick's admission about how he lived with HIV too had jarred her and reminded her that not being able to do anything can be as difficult as living through something.

"It's not easy to watch someone you love being sick" she said quietly, thinking of Patrick in the hospital and how helpless she had felt.

"Can I ask you something?" he began, "if it's too personal just tell me."

"Ask and I'll let you know if it's too personal."

Darren scooped another piece of jello into his mouth as he tried to formulate the question. "Is there…is there something you do for Patrick to make it better for him? I guess what I mean is when your protocol changed, how did you help him through it? I really….I want to take some of Melinda's fear away but I don't know how."

Her mouth twitched up into a sad smile. "I'm not sure I'm the person to ask"

"Oh," His face fell just a little. "I didn't mean to offend-"

Raising her hand, Robin interrupted him. "No – that isn't what I meant. It's a valid question I just don't think my behaviour is anything you should use as an example. I…I actually kept a secret from for a while and when he found out he was really upset. After we got past that, he was amazing." Her eyes shone brightly as she thought back to those hours spent wrapped in blankets on the bathroom floor or in bed watching dvds; he had not left her side.

"Truthfully Darren," she continued, "I don't think there is anything that will make it easier for Melinda or for Patrick. I kind of lost sight of that recently. I know when Patrick was sick I….clinically I understood everything that was happening to him and even with all that knowledge I felt like it was so much outside of my control. And I've…recently he's confided that he feels the same way about my HIV."

"I was afraid that was your answer" he smiled weakly.

Robin pulled her hair from her face and tied it in a low ponytail. "I've been doing a lot of thinking lately," she said, "and I'm beginning to realize that may not actually be a bad answer. It may not actually be a bad thing that it can't be made easier. I think if someone is willing to stick with you through the bad – the really bad – then you are very lucky to have them in your life."

As clear as a picture, a hundred images replayed in her mind of her and Patrick supporting each other when it would have been easier to walk away; when people would have understood walking away. It was no accident that he was in her life or she in his and through all the tests and hell fires they had been through, their love for each other was stronger; it was the mechanics that were tripping them up.

Leaning back in his chair, Darren sighed quietly. "That actually made sense."

"It did?" she asked in shock.

Cocking his head to the side, he gave her a curious look. "Shouldn't it?"

Smiling shyly, she shrugged. "I'm sorting through some stuff in my head and I think I have a lot of it straight but the true test is me being able to articulate it to others."

"To others or to Patrick?"

Chuckling softly, she nodded. "Yeah."

*****  
"You did well in there," Noah said, pulling the cap from his head and tossing it in the bin.

Patrick flushed under his father's compliment as he pulled off his scrub top and put on a fresh one. "It feels really good to be back in there."

It was his third surgery assisting his father and with each one, his confidence grew and glimpses of the once cocky surgeon started to appear. The OR was the place, the one place, where he could be singularly focused. There was no room for other thoughts, other worries or concerns. It was also the one place where he knew exactly what he was doing. There was no second guessing, no doubting whether he was making the right choice. The OR was home for him in so many ways.

"You're almost ready to ride solo" he told him as he shrugged on his lab coat.

Patrick smiled. "Almost" he agreed, "but a little more practice under my belt would not be a bad thing."

Noah grinned proudly at his son. Having his son donate a part of his liver so he could survive had been a gift of unending proportions but the real gift – the one that even exceeded that – was the chance to see his son truly become a man. He considered himself beyond fortunate to watch as his son embraced both love and family and fulfill the potential that he and Mattie always believed he had.

"We make a pretty good team" he remarked.

Closing his locker, Patrick turned and looked at his father. "Yeah, we do."

"Let me buy you a coffee before we tackle the post-op notes?"

"Sounds good to me."

The two men walked to the cafeteria and Patrick couldn't help but feel grateful for the ease in their relationship after so many years of heartache.

As Noah filled his mug, he looked over at his son. "I suppose I shouldn't ask but I'm a nosy father. How are things with Robin?"

"We felt the baby kick" he smiled happily. "It was an awesome feeling!"

"That's great Patty. Truly amazing. But uh," he continued tentatively, "that doesn't quite answer how things are with Robin."

Sighing, Patrick rubbed one of the knots from the back of his neck as they walked towards the cash. "We're trying, I think" he answered uneasily. "It feels a little like whack-a-mole"

Unsuccessfully stifling his laughter, Noah shook his head. "I'm an old man, you're going to have to explain that."

Patrick smirked. "It just seems that every time we get one issue kind of under control, another one pops up. I just want to whack all the issues into submission and get on with it."

"With what?" he asked innocently.

"With marrying the woman I love"

Noah grinned. There was something enormously satisfying in hearing his son talk about getting married. For him, after being absent for so many years, there was comfort to be found in knowing that despite everything, his son still managed to open his heart enough to fall in love with an amazing woman.

Patrick came to a dead stop as they exited the cash area. Standing beside him, Noah followed his gaze and saw Robin sitting with a young man, clearly involved in an intense conversation. Looking over at his son, his saw the red tinge to his cheeks and the angry splotches on his neck.

"Let's go say hello" he said.

Patrick put his arm on his shoulder and pulled him back. "Dad, no!"

Shrugging him off, Noah kept walking in the direction of the table. "I haven't seen Robin in a few weeks, it would be just rude not to say hello."

Grumbling to himself Patrick reluctantly followed behind.

Almost as though she sensed him, Robin looked over and saw Noah and Patrick approaching. Pushing back her chair she got to her feet. "Noah,"

The older doctor wrapped her in a warm embrace. "You look amazing" he said. "The most beautiful pregnant woman I have seen in quite some time."

She blushed furiously at the compliment, raising her eyes to meet Patrick's. It had been a few days since they felt the baby kick and he had, true to his word, made no further effort to reach out to her. She was going to need to work to convince him, she knew that and she was ready for it.

Patrick dropped his eyes and looked over to Darren. "David," he acknowledged.

Darren smiled and gave a small shake of his head. "It's Darren" he reminded him.

Noah extended his hand to the young man. "Noah Drake," he introduced himself.

"Nice to meet you."

Patrick continued to glower. His jealousy of Darren was irrational – he was well aware of it. He trusted Robin implicitly and had no concerns about her taking up with him but every once in a while he was left feeling as though Darren was getting a part of her that he wasn't and he didn't like it. He knew about the value of support groups and understood the role Robin and Darren played in each other's lives but as someone with few close friends, he had difficulty sharing.

"Darren was admitted yesterday" Robin offered, seeing the thunderous expression on Patrick's face. "They're having trouble finding the right meds combination."

Almost immediately Patrick's expression changed for he knew that there but for the grace of god or the universe went Robin.

"Darren, I'm really sorry to hear that," he told him sincerely.

He smiled appreciatively. "Thanks. I was just telling Robin that I'm confident we'll find the right combo, it's just being a guinea pig in the process that sucks."

"And I was telling him how lucky I was to have you and your support when I was adjusting to new meds" she added softly.

A small, shy smile formed on his mouth as he met her eyes. "We've been lucky to have each other."

Darren slowly pushed back his chair and got unsteadily to his feet. "I should get back to my room. Lord knows there must be more blood for them to draw or something."

Patrick nodded. "We have to get back and finish up post-op notes."

"Darren, I'll take you to your room" Robin offered before turning her attention to Patrick. "Maybe…maybe we could have coffee this week?"

"I'd like that" he answered quietly. "Let me know."

As he moved past her, he extended his hand and swept it across her belly. Robin placed her hand on top of his and he gave it a small squeeze in return. Darren's news had been like a reality check in some ways and they both felt the need to connect, even if only for just a moment, to remind each other that whatever they were going through, however long it took, it was worth it.


	174. Chapter 181

**Chapter 181**

In our secret world we were colliding  
In all the places we were hiding love

Alexis stood in the door and watched him. Bent over his desk, his head supported by his hand as he read through the chart in front of him; he was squinting and she couldn't tell if it was from reading intently or he had a headache.

"You look familiar," she said lightly as she crossed the threshold. "Have we met before?"

It had been almost two weeks since Josh had left their house and in the intervening days she had seen little of her boyfriend. Their schedules seemed to be out of synch and the number of shifts he was working seemed to be increasing daily.

Rubbing the fatigue from his eyes, Eric sat up and smiled. "Hey,"

Walking to him she gently sat down in his lap and draped her arm along his broad shoulders. Dipping her head, she kissed him softly.

"So I was thinking that we could go for lunch and then I could go with you to see Josh at his dialysis appointment."

The hurt that flashed through his eyes did not go unnoticed by Alexis. He smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry Alexis but I'm assisting on a surgery later – unfortunately I don't have time for lunch and I won't be able to see Josh today."

His inability to completely look her in the eye unsettled her. "It's not like you to miss out on a visit with him," she remarked. She felt his body coil underneath her in response.

"Well I'm assisting on a surgery and I don't have a lot of options," he snapped.

Shaking her head, she got to her feet. "Don't snap at me," she said calmly. "I don't deserve it."

Blowing out his cheeks he leaned back in his chair and finally met her gaze. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I'm just…I'm really tired."

Alexis perched herself on the edge of the desk. "I bet you are. You haven't been home more than a few hours at a time – just long enough to sleep and change your clothes. You've been working a lot." The accusation was clear in her tone.

"It's been very busy," he offered by way of explanation.

"I'm sure it has." She was tempted to call him out, kindly, on trying to lose himself in his work but she knew that he was struggling and wanted to be a source of support rather than another element for him to manage.

Sucking in a breath, Eric wiped at his eye. "I'm sorry."

"Me too," she said, leaning forward and pulling his chair towards her. "Eric, I love you and I want to help…I just….you need to tell me what you need."

Rising to his feet, he grabbed the chart from the desk. "I….I'm fine….I have to get to pre-op."

As he moved to walk past her she took hold of his hand and tugged him back to her. "Hey" she said softly.

Eric set the chart down and cupped her face with both hands. He fastened his mouth over hers in a long, languid kiss. "I love you too" he whispered. "I'll see you later."

Alexis watched, dumbfounded, as he picked up the chart and quickly exited his office. Was it even possible to reach someone who wasn't interested in being reached? Grabbing her purse she headed down to the Dialysis unit to spend some time with Josh. She had picked up a new game for his Playstation and was looking forward to giving it to him.

Having barely stepped off the elevator, she was surprised to be confronted by Lucie. The woman appeared agitated and angry as she approached her.

"What are you doing here?" she asked perfunctorily.

Taken aback, Alexis frowned. "I'm here to see Josh. Is there a problem?"

With an exaggerated sigh, the woman folded her arms across her chest. "It's as I told Doctor Smitherman earlier this week, I do not want either of you visiting him here – it only upsets him and he spends most of the night crying after I get him home. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get him to calm down?"

"You told Eric he's not allowed to visit Josh?"

"Did I not just say that?"

Alexis bit down hard on the inside of her cheek to keep from snapping at the woman. "And how does Josh feel about having the only adult he really trusts ripped from his life?"

"I am his guardian and I will be the adult he trusts. It is too confusing for him to have you involved. While I appreciate the efforts you made to foster him, he is with family now and that is how it will be. If you aren't willing to abide by my wishes then I will get a court order."

Non-plussed, she simply arched her eyebrow. "I don't believe there is any need to threaten legal action, though I have no problems facing off in court if that's what it comes to. I don't think you're acting in Josh's interests here and I will be raising it with the social worker."

"Don't threaten me" she hissed.

"Who's threatening?" Alexis asked breezily. "Surely, if you believe you're doing the right thing then you would have no worries with it being brought to the attention of the social worker." Smiling knowingly, she turned and pressed the elevator button. "Have a great day Lucie."

As soon as the elevator doors shut, Alexis' knees trembled as she fell back against the railing. She had been blindsided by the news and felt almost betrayed that Eric had not shared it with her. While she understood that grief could make a person very insular, she had not expected for him to exclude her so completely. As the doors opened again, she hit the speed dial button and placed an SOS call to a friend.

*****  
Her legs bounced up and down nervously as she waited. She had worked very hard to be open and willing to accept that history does not always repeat itself but the day had trudged up some old memories, leaving her feeling a little off balanced. She gave a small wave as Robin came through the cafeteria doors.

The young doctor smiled as she slid into the seat across from her and gratefully accepted the bottle of juice from her. Giving her a cursory glance as she twisted off the top, Robin dove in.

"You look really upset, what's going on?"

Alexis started to absently break off small pieces from the rim of the Styrofoam cup. "I…I feel like I'm losing Eric and I don't know what to do" she blurted.

Robin's eyes widened. "Oh Alexis, I'm so sorry. What happened?"

She shook her head. "Losing Josh has….it's devastated him. In the first few days after we lost custody, everything seemed fine – well not fine – but we were talking. He was confiding in me and I thought we were getting through it together."

"And now?"

"And now it feels like I'm a stranger in his life. He's been working non-stop for almost two weeks and I just went down to visit Josh and his aunt told me that we were no longer welcome to visit him and that she had told Eric the other day."

"So you feel like he's keeping secrets from you?"

She continued to peel at the rim. "I almost wish he was keeping secrets. I feel like he's cutting me out of his life. I tried to get him to go for lunch today but he said he had a surgery."

"Losing himself in his work?" she prompted.

Alexis nodded. "And I think losing us. I mean…he doesn't even….he doesn't touch me anymore."

Robin raised her eyebrows in surprise. "You mean sex?"

She shook her head in response. "Though there's been little of that. No, I mean….he has a way of always been in arm's reach. It's rare for us to be in the same room and not touch in some way and now…it's like he's going out of his way not to touch me. I think….I think he might blame me for losing the court case."

"Really? Alexis I think he knew going in the chances of you guys winning was very small. I don't think he blames you – it sounds to me like he's just in a lot of pain and that's making it hard for him to function."

"But he can function at work?" she queried.

A small, knowing smile crossed her face. "Surgeons are a special breed and every one that I know would rather be inside an OR than out when shit is hitting the fan. It's like a hurricane proof house for them."

"What do I do?" she sighed. "I don't want to lose him."

Robin thought back to all the moments were Patrick had supported her – after April's death, as she came to terms with some of her dormant feelings, the change in her protocol, finding out she was pregnant. And then she thought of the support she had provided him – after his HIV exposure, during treatment for his tumour. There was a consistent theme that had run through it all.

"Time and space" she finally answered.

"Great," Alexis snorted, "two things I'm terrible at."

Robin smiled at her friend as she leaned forward on the table. "Do you trust him?"

"I do," she replied, nodding vigorously.

"Then trust that he's going to work through this. Remind him that you love him and while you don't have let him get away with crap," she said, thinking back to how Patrick pushed her to take action but then left it to her to choose the action. "You do have to let him figure out how to solve it."

"It sounds simpler than it is, I think."

Robin's gaze was draw away from her friend as she spotted Patrick coming through the cafeteria line balancing a carton of chocolate milk and a cupcake in one hand and his wallet in the other.

Turning in her seat, Alexis followed her gaze and looked back at her friend who was beaming after Patrick waved to her. Piling all her broken pieces of Styrofoam into what was left of the cup and stood up.

Robin looked at her in surprise. "Where are you going?"

Smiling kindly Alexis reached for her purse. "I have to get going and you should ask him to have coffee with you."

"Alexis you don't have to-"

"I do," she interrupted. "I need to think some things through."

"You aren't leaving on my account are you?" Patrick asked, sidling up to the table.

"Not at all. I just came for some advice and now that I have it, I'll be on my way to see what I can do about it." She touched his shoulder. "Good to see you."

Patrick watched as she bolted from the cafeteria and looked at Robin. "That was awkward."

"Things with Eric are a little…..rocky," she offered. "Do you….do you want to sit?"

Nodding, he claimed Alexis' recently vacated chair and set his milk on the table. "Do you want half of my cupcake?" he asked.

"No," she replied with shy smile. "I want all of it but I'll settle for half."

Laughing, Patrick split the pastry in two and passed half of it to her. "Do you want to tell me what's going on with Alexis and Eric?"

Robin shook her head. "Not really but I think….I think you might want to check in with him."

A single knowing nod was his response. "I…..I bought a baby names book last night," he admitted, his cheeks burning hotly as he did so.

Inexplicably, Robin felt her eyes prick with tears. "You did?"

"We've only got four months to go" he reminded her. "And I don't think 'baby' is going to work as a name for long. Have you….have you given any thought to names?"

"Are you kidding?," she grinned. "I keep making lists."

Patrick smiled. In moments like this when they didn't venture to close to the centre of their relationship, there was nothing to trip them up and it was difficult for him to remember why they were apart but inevitably a reminder would poke its head out. He wanted to ask if she had figured out how to forgive him or at least determine that he was worthy of it but he didn't raise it. He had done all he could to explain how important it was to him and he was determined to wait for her to make the next move.

"Anything on the list you'd like to share?" he queried.

"Well," she began, playing with the plastic tab around the bottle neck. "I'm hoping you aren't harbouring desires to name our baby after a family member because I'd really like for our child to have a name that belongs to them."

"I agree. Hey – we haven't talked about it but do you want to know the sex before it's born?"

Tucking her hair behind her ears, she gave a small shrug. "Actually, I'd like to be surprised – if….if you're okay with that?"

She hated the tentativeness to their conversation as though they were each feeling the other out. Lainey had given her some very intense homework and she was working through it as fast as she could so that she would finally be able to tell him what he needed to hear – what she needed to say out loud for herself as much as for him. It dangled on the tip of her tongue, begging to be told but she wasn't even sure he would believe her. Ultimately she figured it would be better to say nothing about getting to the point and save all her words for when she was actually there.

"I am" he agreed. "It'll be nice to be surprised." He took a drink of his milk. "And, um, I mean no offense but can we also put the kibosh on Brenda or Brendan as options?"

Giggling, Robin nodded. "Agreed."

Taking a deep breath, Patrick leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. "So, listen….we…I think….I think maybe it's time that we talk about a custody agreement."

Robin choked on a piece of cupcake. "P-pardon?"

"Robin," he started gently.

She shook her head. "We do not need a custody agreement."

"Robin," he insisted, "we….we have no legal definition to our relationship, I don't have your power of attorney for medical decisions and there are no instructions about what should happen with our baby."

Her heart crashed loudly against her ribs as she listened to him speak. It was not a conversation she wanted to have; there was something about it that sounded like giving up, it sounded like he was preparing to co-exist with her as a parent and not a lover. And while she understood how he got to that point, she wasn't ready for it.

"Do you….do you want my medical proxy?" she asked.

"Who has it?" he countered.

"Mac."

Patrick nodded. "It should be with someone you trust." The words sliced at her. "I'm not asking you for it but with less than four months to go, I just think some clarity would be good."

"Can you give me a week?"

"Pardon?"

"Can you give me a week?" she repeated, "and then we can have this conversation again."

He gave her a curious look and shrugged. Picking up the milk carton, he drained it. "Of course I can."

"Okay," she nodded urgently. "A week – and we can have this discussion and talk baby names – I promise."

Smiling ruefully, he pushed his chair back and stood up. "I…I have to get back to charting. I'll….I'll talk to you later."

Robin waved as he left and once out of sight, took a deep breath as she rubbed her belly. She had one week to finish everything she needed to finish in order to move them forward. She truly believed if they continued down the road of the conversation he just began, they might never get back on track.

One week and she would be ready.


	175. Chapter 182

**Chapter 182**

Dreaming of mercy

Balancing the box on the porch railing Alexis watched in amusement as Robin removed the slim black leather case and set about picking the lock.

"You realize I'm an officer of the court," she teased, "and I should report you for breaking and entering?"

Robin smiled as she jimmied the lock. "You could do that," she replied, "but where would be the fun in that?" Hearing the click, she pushed open the door and turned to face Alexis with a triumphant smile on her face. "Besides, it's a crime of passion – I'm doing it in the name of love."

Chuckling, Alexis followed her into the house and let out a low whistle as Robin flicked on the lights. "Nice place."

"Patrick has good taste," she replied.

"So tell me again why we are breaking into his house that he doesn't live in?"

"Because I asked him to give me a week and that's up tomorrow. I'm ready to commit to him – fully and completely but I need to show him and not just tell him. And one of the ways to do that is to reclaim the mojo of this house."

"Reclaim the mojo?" she parroted, setting the box down.

She nodded. "He is going to be, naturally, a little wary of me just announcing that I'm good to go so I'm going to tell him through deeds and words."

"And you were able to resolve everything within the week?"

"Oh hell no" Robin replied smiling as she moved about the living room, repositioning the candles that had been there since he first surprised her with the house. Reaching into the box, she pulled out a dozen more.

"It's a work in progress – I'm a work in progress," she continued. "And I haven't put the issues to bed but….I understand my behaviour better now and I know why I've said the things I've said and I'm willing to lay that all out – to really be open with him. The rest we can work on together but I need to do this for him and for me and I need to do it now. It's time for me to take a leap of faith."

"I'm very proud of you" she told her softly. "I know how hard this has been."

Stroking her belly, she nodded. "Yes but look at what I'm working for – I'm incredibly blessed."

"So is he."

"Let's hope he feels that way too."

Digging into the box, Alexis pulled out a large, white down comforter. "Dare I ask?"

Robin smiled sheepishly. "I had a bed put in the master bedroom. It's rather bold of me but-"

"Deeds and words?" she offered.

Robin grinned in response. "Exactly. Can you help me upstairs?"

"Lead the way!"

Eric nervously rubbed his hands on his jeans before knocking on the door. He had an idea of what was waiting for him on the other side and while he would prefer not to deal with it, it was going to be the price he needed to pay to get what he wanted.

"Hey Pantsy," he greeted his friend as he opened the apartment door.

"I was beginning to think you just aren't that into me" he told him as he stood out of the way and let his friend through.

Following his conversation with Robin he had gone to see his friend but found him unwilling to talk and all offers of beer or coffee were rejected. His friend was being eaten alive from the inside out, refusing all help and it was killing Patrick to stand by and watch.

"Sorry, I've…uh…just been busy."

"You are the worst fucking liar Smitty so don't even try, okay?" Looking at his friend it was hard to miss the dark circles under his eyes and the worried look almost permanently creased on his face.

Exhaling slowly, he jammed his hands in his pockets. "I was wondering if you could cover my shift tomorrow?"

"Does this mean you're finally taking a day off to go home to your girlfriend?"

He shook his head. "No…I….I'm driving to the City tonight. I will call out on the shift tomorrow if I have to but if you were willing to pick it, I'd be grateful."

Patrick's eyes narrowed and he cast a skeptical glance in Eric's direction. "What are you going to the City for?"

Eric dropped his gaze. "A friend called asking for help and so I-"

"Oh hell NO!" Patrick roared. "You are NOT driving all the way up there for that bitch."

Too tired to even complain about his friend's choice in words Eric simply shrugged. "She called and said she needed my help – her and the baby and so I told her I would come."

Patrick's blood pressure started to climb as he clenched and unclenched his fists. "What about her husband? Or her friends? Or her family? Why the fuck is she calling you?"

"She…she's leaving her husband and needs some help moving. I told her she could move into my old loft."

"Are you out of your mind?" he seethed. "She's manipulating you and you're letting her. Eric, you haven't slept at home in days – call her back and tell her to fuck off and die and then go home and curl up with your girlfriend."

"She NEEDS me" he protested. "She and the baby need me."

"Alexis needs you" he countered. "Karen is your past – leave her there – lord knows she left you in the dust."

Eric's cheeks burned brightly. "I'm not asking your fucking permission, okay? I'm asking if you want to take my shift. If you don't, fabulous. But I'm driving to the City tonight to help my friend and our….her baby."

Patrick's eyes widened and he took a step back as though he was hit by a sudden rush of clarity. He had not understood Eric's inability to completely cut the ties that joined them but the light bulb clicked on. "She was pregnant" he stated in surprise.

Eric said nothing.

"What happened?"

He shrugged. "She miscarried and then I got sick."

"Are you….are you still in love with her?" he asked incredulously.

"No. I'm in love with Alexis but she's asked for my help and I need to give it to her." He made his way to the door. "Don't worry about the shift, I'll call Alan tonight and tell him I can't be in. I'll talk to you later."

Patrick swiped his wallet from the table and followed him. "You'll talk to me now. I'm coming with you."

"Pantsy-"

"Don't argue or I won't let you drive. You want to help her, fine. I'm coming along to make sure you don't blow up your life in the process."

****  
"What do you think?" Robin asked as they looked around the bedroom.

"I think it's stunning" she replied.

A large mahogany bed frame was the crowning piece in the room. The king size mattress was almost overstuffed and with layers of white linens looked like a bed you could spend days lazing in. There was one nightstand with a lamp perched in the middle of it providing a soft, ethereal glow.

"Just one more thing and then we're done"

Robin reached into the box and pulled out the painting of Patrick as a boy that she had brought home from the Hamptons. She leaned it against the nightstand and standing back, gave a satisfied smile.

"So when are you bringing Patrick here?" she asked.

"Tomorrow. I'm going to blindfold him and bring him here and then lay my heart on the line."

"Are you scared?"

Robin shook her head. "For the first time in a long time, I'm not. I'm ready to embrace all of this and he and I aren't leaving here until I convince him of that."

Alexis hugged her tightly. "So many good things are going to be yours Robin and I could not be happier for you."

"Thank you. And thank you for all your support through everything."

"What are friends for?" Bending down, Alexis picked up the empty box and started to pack up the empty bags and wrappings.

"How are things with Eric?" she asked gently.

Alexis smiled wistfully. "I'm afraid you'd have to ask him that. He has slept at the hospital for the last four days and beyond a few text messages, I haven't spoken with him."

Robin's face fell. "Oh Alexis."

"I'm trying to give him some space" she sighed, "but I'm beginning to think he doesn't want space, he wants out. And I'm not interested in trying to convince someone to stay with me – too many times bitten I suppose."

"He will come around" she told her emphatically.

"Maybe but it's up to him. He knows where I am and he knows there is a home waiting for him – he just has to want it."

Robin gave a small rueful chuckle. "You sound like Patrick and he sounds like me. Don't give up Alexis."

"I'll try not to" she said quietly, "but that's getting harder and harder not to do."

The scenery whizzed by in a darkened blur as they drove along the highway. Eric had grudgingly allowed his friend to come with him but had met any attempts at conversation with either stony silence or by turning up the radio.

Patrick was churning with anger at his friend, at Karen, at Child and Family Services, at anyone and everyone who had turned Eric's life upside down. His first instinct had been to call Robin, to tell her where they were going and why he was going along but she had asked for a week and he was determined to give it to her.

Frustrated, he turned the radio off. "You could turn around and go home" he repeated for the hundredth time.

"Shut up."

Sighing, Patrick leaned his head against the window and looked at him from the corner of his eye. "Why didn't you ever tell me she was pregnant?"

"Because it was none of your business" he snapped. Taking a deep breath, he shook his head. "Sorry," he muttered.

"No, you're right. It's not my business."

"I always thought we would try again so I didn't need to talk about it. And then….well then it just became too hard to talk about."

"I'm really sorry," he told him sincerely.

"Thanks. Have you talked to Robin lately?" he asked, changing the subject.

"She asked for time, I'm giving it to her" he replied.

"Just don't give her too much, okay?"

Patrick scoffed as he tiredly ran his hand over his face. "You do realize you are a living, breathing hypocrite, right?"

His mouth twitched upwards into the briefest of smiles. "Do as I say and not as I-"

A bright flash of light cut through the darkness, nearly blinding them both. As the lights continued to approach, Eric swerved the car but it was too late. Tires screamed, glass shattered and the long uninterrupted drone of the horn echoed through the silence


	176. Chapter 183

**Chapter 183**

I just want to get through

Groaning and groggy, Patrick opened his eyes trying in vain to focus. His first few attempts to open the door were unsuccessful and in a peak of frustration, he lifted his legs and delivered a heavy kick sending the door swinging from its hinges. Stumbling from the car, he fell into the ditch before getting to his feet again.

"Smitty" he croaked in the darkness, trying to make himself heard over the incessant blaring horns. "Smitty, are you okay?"

As his eyes began to regain their focus he could see the other car had jackknifed theirs, ploughing straight into the driver side door. His shoulder ached and he called out once again for his friend.

"Dude, you okay?" came a voice, not Eric's.

Patrick turned and saw a teenager staggering from the second car. He had a large gash on his forehead and blood was trickling down his face; he reeked of alcohol.

"Are you drunk?" he hissed.

"Dude, just chill" he slurred.

A flash of light caught Patrick's eye and turning his head back to the car he saw flames beginning to lick at the underside of the car. Panic gripped his heart as he raced on unsteady feet back up the ditch and towards the car.

"SMITTY!" he cried.

Getting no response, he raced around to the driver's side and saw his friend slumped over the steering wheel, unconscious; his face, or what he could see of it, was streaked with blood. With the other car practically melded into the door, there was no way for him to get him out on that side.

He ran around to the passenger side and oblivious to the rising flames and thickening smoke, crawled inside and tried to rouse his friend. With a shaky hand, he pressed to fingers to his neck in search of a pulse.

"Please, please, please" he whispered. Relief washed over him briefly as he felt a thready but present heart beat.

Taking hold of his neck and head and bracing them as best he could he carefully moved his friend to a sitting position. He winced as he saw the cuts and bruises; the air bag had not deployed and his head had slammed directly into the steering wheel.

Glancing over his shoulder and peering through the smoke, he saw the other driver standing there, staring off into space.

"Call 9-1-1!" he yelled at him. "NOW!"

The driver seemed to snap out of it and taking one look at the car, flames climbing higher, took off running down the road.

"Fuck" he hissed under his breath.

His eyes stung from the combination of smoke and perspiration dripping down his face. Racing against the advancing fire and worried about the possibility of explosion if the flames hit the gas line, Patrick laid his friend down as carefully as he could and started to pull him from the car. There was little to work with to protect his neck from possible injury and he swallowed thickly, practically biting through his lip as he started to tug him from the car.

It was slow moving as he was pulling more than 200 pounds of dead weight. His lungs filled with smoke and he coughed and choked in an effort to expel it. Visibility was non-existent and as he finally managed to free Eric from the car, his footing slipped and the two of them tumbled back into the ditch with his friend landing on top of him, knocking the wind from him.

Gathering what strength he had left, he pushed him off and tried to lay him carefully on the ground. Shrugging off his jacket he laid it over his chest.

"Don't you dare go into shock, do you hear me?" he barked hoarsely.

Patting his pockets in search of his phone, his breath shortened as he found them empty. The highway was relatively deserted and without a phone, he was at a loss to figure a way out for them. Dropping to his knees, he crawled along the grass hoping to find it.

The flames engulfing the car produced an extraordinary heat and he found himself dipping his head as close to the grass as possible to suck in some kind of fresh air. The further he crawled along without finding the phone, the tighter the vice grip around his heart. He would have little chance of accurately assessing his friend's internal injuries and without any medical supplies at all, he wasn't sure what he would be able to do for him.

A glint of silver flashed and whipping his head around, Patrick crawled quickly towards it; he pounded his hand along the ground until he felt the cold metal underneath. Rearing back on his heels he flipped the phone open and sighed in relief as a signal appeared. Punching in the numbers, the wait for an answer felt like an eternity. When he finally got an operator, he barked orders at her, telling her where they were, the extent of injuries, confirming that he was a doctor and an airlift to Manhattan General was necessary. The operator calmly reassured him that help was on the way and she would alter the EMTs about the need for airlift.

Snapping the phone shut he crawled back to Eric, doing his best to stay lower than the flames. He wanted desperately to move him – move both of them – as far from the burning cars as possible but he feared the damage he might inflict if he moved him again. Reaching him, he immediately put his fingers back against his neck and nodded his satisfaction at feeling his pulse. Dipping his head to Eric's mouth, he listened to his breathing and grimaced slightly at the uneven, laboured sounds he was producing.

Moving behind him, he cradled his head in his lap and did his best to keep his neck immobile. "You listen to me Smitty. There is only one acceptable outcome here and that involves you waking up and being fine. You don't get to check out" he told him. "You're my best friend and you don't get to check out. I….I want you to meet my baby, I want you to spoil my kid rotten. Hell, I'll even let you buy them a drum set but you're going to have wake up for that to happen, okay?"

As a doctor he had spent his entire professional life staring death in the face and he never flinched but he lacked that same bravado when it came to his personal life. Death meant destruction to him. His only experience with it had left his life in a pile of rubble and he was incapable of accepting it again.

The distant wail of sirens pulled him from his thoughts and he looked down at his friend. "Ya hear that Smitty? Help is on the way. I told them to send an air lift too – nothing like travelling to the City in style, right?"

Hearing the car doors slam, Patrick sat up straighter and yelled, "DOWN HERE!"

The EMTs and two police officers ran down the embankment while the firefighters set about dousing the cars.

"Where is the helicopter?" Patrick demanded.

"It's on its way" one of the EMTs told him, kneeling down beside Eric. "Give me the bullet," he asked.

Patrick relayed all the details again and the EMT nodded gratefully as he started an i.v. on Eric. The second EMT put his hand on Patrick. "Why don't you let me take a look at you?" he suggested kindly.

He shrugged him off. "I'm fine."

"Your shoulder is dislocated" he pointed out. "I can either reduce it here or I can immobilize it but you shouldn't have it just hanging like that."

Blinking in disbelief several times, Patrick turned and looked at his shoulder and was shocked to find it out of its socket. If he had to guess he thought it probably happened as he pulled Eric from the car but he was amazed that he had not felt it.

He coughed several times, choking on the thickness still inside his lungs. "I don't want it reduced in the field," he finally said, watching as Eric was rolled on to a back board with his head and neck immobilized.

"Okay," the EMT replied gently. "But why don't you come over here with me and I'll brace it for you."

Gingerly rising to his feet, reluctant to leave his friend, he let the EMT slide his arm underneath him and help him out of the ditch. He was surprised at how rubbery his legs had become and sank gratefully onto the ambulance bumper. He bit down on his cheek as his arm was braced but waved off all other attempts to deal with his wounds and lacerations.

He exhaled slowly as he saw the helicopter descend from the night sky. The police officers and the EMTs carried Eric from the ditch and placed him in the helicopter. Patrick got to his feet and shuffled over.

"I'm going too"

"We still need your statement" one of the officers said.

"Well then I guess you better follow me to the hospital" Patrick snapped climbing in.

"We'll meet you there Doctor Drake" the other officer replied.

*****

It was a short ride to Manhattan General and Patrick did his best to keep up with the trauma team as his friend was whisked away. He hovered outside the room and watched as they worked on him. His ankle was definitely fractured, there was little doubt he had a concussion but it was the extent of his other injuries that worried him.

He peeled himself from the wall as the doctor bustled out of the room.

"What's the diagnosis?" he demanded.

"Fractured ankle, several facial fractures, rib fractures and a concussion."

"Surgery?"

"He needs a plate for his cheek and a few pins in his ankle."

"No internal injuries beyond that?" he queried, suddenly aware of the throbbing in his shoulder.

The doctor shook his head. "No. He's very lucky, as are you. Both of you have polluted lungs and we're going to give you some respiratory therapy to help with that but on the whole you are both lucky to have escaped."

"Thanks" he rasped.

"Now, why don't you get yourself to an exam room so your shoulder can be looked at?"

Patrick nodded. "I will. I just have one more thing to do."

Shrugging, the doctor returned to the trauma room to prep his patient for surgery. Patrick reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. Scrolling through the address book, he found the number he needed and dialled.

"Alexis, it's Patrick. You need to get on the next flight to New York"


	177. Chapter 184

**Chapter 184**

Put me back on the right road home

Patrick paced endlessly in the waiting room. His arm was braced against his chest and though it throbbed persistently, he had refused all offers of pain medication even when they popped his shoulder back into joint; he wanted to be clear headed if he was needed.

Back when Eric had cancer and his support system had dwindled, he had given his medical proxy to Patrick, telling him he was the only person he trusted to make decisions on his behalf. There had been a difficult, painful discussion about prolonging his life unnecessarily. Patrick had not wanted to have that conversation, he had not wanted the responsibility of ultimately making that decision but Eric had been clear with him – he was not willing to be kept alive by machines just so that other people would feel better. If his chances of recovering himself, being the person he knew he was, were slim then he did not want to have his life prolonged.

And while clinically Patrick understood that Eric's injuries were not life threatening, the damage to his brain was unknown. Eric had been the one constant in his life when everything else was in turmoil and while watching him slowly fade with cancer had been difficult, this – this sudden, unexpected turn of events was excruciating.

He must have flipped open his phone two dozen times to call Robin – even just the sound of her voice would soothe him but he never dialled her number. He needed to be alert and strong for Eric and for Alexis and he was sure that if he heard Robin's voice he would let reality seep in and he would collapse into a heap on the floor under the weight of it all. He would call her but only once everything else was settled, once he was sure he could stop and let himself be comforted. Until then he did the only thing he could do, he stayed in motion.

Almost another hour passed before he saw the surgeon coming down the hall. He stopped in his tracks and waited, ready to absorb whatever body blow he had to. Closing his eyes, he sucked in a deep breath and braced himself.

"Doctor Drake?"

Patrick nodded, not quite trusting himself to speak.

"I'm Doctor Welsh."

"How is he?"

The older surgeon smiled. "He came through fine. We pinned his ankle and placed a small plate in his left cheek to stabilize the bone."

"Brain damage?"

"Too soon to tell" he replied, "as you know."

The surgical team had been shocked to see one of their own on the table and there were some among them who remembered the days when Doctors Drake and Smitherman ruled the roost as certified young guns.

"No craniotomy?"

Doctor Welsh shook his head. "He has a definite concussion and some small skull fractures but there is no significant bleeding in his brain."

"Thank god" Patrick whispered.

"We've also got him on some Albuterol to help ease some of the respiratory issues from the smoke inhalation. And by the sounds of you," he added, "I think you could do with the same."

He shook his head. "No – not yet. His…his girlfriend is on the way," he coughed painfully, "and I…I need to meet her and explain what's happened to Eric."

The doctor cast a critical glance over him and gently put his arm under his elbow. "Doctor Drake, I knew your father and he wouldn't be very pleased to have you wandering around ignoring your own health. Let me take you to Doctor Smitherman's room where you can wait for him to come from recovery. I'll set you up with an inhaler and you can get to work on getting some relief to your lungs."

"But his-"

The doctor continued to lead him out of the waiting room and down the hall. "I will make sure that his girlfriend knows where to find both of you. You'll not do the young lad any good to ignore your own injuries for him. We taught you better than that here," he rebuked him kindly.

Too tired to fight, too sore to resist, Patrick allowed himself to be led to the room. Doctor Welsh settled him into a chair and returned with a mask and nebulizer. He waited until he was satisfied the young doctor was following orders, he left the room with a promise to tell the Nurses Station where to direct Ms. Davis when she arrived.

Closing his eyes, Patrick inhaled deeply and felt some relief as his lungs seemed to open up. His mind drifted to the last conversation he had with Robin and he cringed inwardly. If the worst had happened she would be left with memories of him asking about a custody agreement. He knew he wasn't wrong to bring it up but it seemed so inconsequential now. It had been weeks since he told her loved her and yet he did – more not less – and regardless of the state of their relationship, he would not let that go unsaid again. When he got the opportunity to speak with her he was going to tell her that he loved her – totally, completely and without hesitation. His heart belonged to her and always would, no matter what Robin decided.

He heard the door creak open and he sat up straight, nearly choking on the medicine. Eric was wheeled in and gently transferred to the waiting bed. Patrick scrambled to his feet and moved to his bed side. Grimacing, he took in the physical toll. Eric's face was black and blue; one eye was definitely swollen shut. His breathing was steadier than it had been in the field but still not as strong as it could be. There were several long cuts along his forehead and in his hairline – no doubt a result of the shattered windshield.

Lowering the nebulizer, he smiled ruefully at his friend. "That's an ugly mug you've got there Smitty," he told him as lightly as he could manage. "And are you going to be pissed about your ankle."

He put his hand on his shoulder and gave it a small squeeze. "Thanks for sticking around for me. Now if you wouldn't mind, I'd really like you to work on opening your eyes. I just….I need you to be okay."

As his lungs seized again, Patrick coughed violently and put the mask back on, inhaling deeply.

"Patrick"

Turning, he saw Alexis standing in the doorway. He removed the mask and walked to her, surprised that his knees were trembling as he did so.

"Alexis-"

"Are you okay?" she asked, trying not to let her eyes wander to the bed.

He nodded. "I'm a little beaten up but I'm okay." He held out his good hand to her. "Come here and let me….let me tell you about Eric."

As they approached the bed, Alexis gasped. Patrick had told her they had been in a car accident and that Eric was unconscious but nothing he told her had prepared her for the sight before her. She felt like her heart was cracking as she continued to stare at him.

Patrick talked her through the injuries, explaining the need for the pins and the plate. He offered an opinion as to how long it would take for him to wake up and what they could expect when he did. Alexis heard everything he said but found it difficult to take it all in. All she wanted to do was crawl into bed with him and hold on tightly.

"Alexis?"

"Sorry, what?" she asked, turning towards him.

"Do you have any questions?"

She exhaled slowly. "I have a million of them" she smiled wryly, "but none that need answers right now. Right now I just…I just want to sit with him."

Nodding, Patrick gently touched her arm. "I'm just going to go sit outside. If you need me, come and get me."

He could feel his strength fading. He had told himself that he needed to hang on until Alexis arrived and now that she had he was sinking into exhaustion. Shuffling from the room, he found a chair in the entrance of the room and slid into it. He put the mask back on and took another deep breath before reaching for his phone. Snapping it open, he stared at the blank screen.

"If you're trying to call me," Robin said, stepping towards him, "you don't have to. I'm right here."

Patrick blinked in total disbelief. He wasn't sure if she was really there or he was imagining her. He stared at her, his hand trembling around the phone until it dropped to the floor.


	178. Chapter 185

**Chapter 185**

Lean on me

Patrick pulled the mask from his face. "R-robin" he stammered hoarsely.

"Hi," she said with a warm smile as she took another step towards him.

His eyebrows were singed, his face had a small smattering of bruises and several small cuts and his shirt was blackened from the smoke and dirt. His brown eyes appeared huge and haunted as he stared at her. And yet he had never looked more beautiful to her.

"H-how did you-"

"I was with Alexis when you called her," she offered, stepping closer still. "And I came on the off chance you might need me."

Patrick nodded slowly, not taking his eyes from her. "I do" he whispered.

Closing the distance between them, Robin gently wrapped her arms around him and pressed a kiss to his cheek. Patrick closed his eyes and buried his face in her neck, breathing in her scent; his body recognized her immediately and he could feel his agitation diminishing as he held on to her. There was so much to say and yet at the same time, no words were needed in the moment.

The flight from Port Charles to New York had been rife with tension. Alexis had peppered Robin with a ton of questions and she had done her best to answer them and put her friend's mind at ease, all the while trying to stop herself from imagining worst case scenarios involving Patrick. Rationally she knew it was a good sign that he had been able to make the phone call but it did little to quell her worries.

Pulling back, Robin gently stroked his brow. "You've got some burns and cuts," she commented, "has anyone looked at them?"

He responded with a small shake of his head. "I'm fine" he told her quietly, not taking his eyes from her.

Tilting her head to the side, Robin gave him a knowing look. "No you aren't."

Exhaling a shaky breath, his lips quirked up into a tiny smile. "No, I'm not" he admitted.

"I've reserved a couple of hotel rooms. Why don't you let me take you to the hotel? I'll clean up your cuts, you can shower and get some rest."

Swallowing thickly, he looked from Robin into the room where Alexis had pulled a chair next to Eric's bed and was cradling his hand between both of hers. It was as though the enormity of it all suddenly washed over him and his bottom lip quivered. "I....I need to be here when he wakes up" he told her, still staring into the room.

She reached for his hand and slipped her fingers through his, gently rubbing her thumb in a circle against his palm. Every fibre, every nerve ending was tightly coiled and she could see the struggle etched across his face. "Patrick," she called to him softly, "you and I both know that Eric could be a couple of days before he wakes up and you need to rest. Eric's going to need your help when he comes to and you won't be able to help him if you're admitted too."

Blowing out his cheeks, he stared at her, unsure of what to do. With the adrenaline having long since dissipated simple decisions now seemed overwhelming and he sat rooted to his seat. "I...I don't know" he said weakly, dissolving into a deep, hacking cough.

Bending down, Robin picked up the nebulizer and mask and carefully replaced it on his face. "Just take some long, slow deep breaths" she told him. "I'm going to go tell Alexis where we're going, okay?" He could do little but nod in response. Robin slipped inside the room and quietly told Alexis her plan. She told her to call if there was any change in Eric's condition and hugged her tightly.

Returning to Patrick she helped him to his feet and they slowly moved down the hallway and out the hospital doors. Robin hailed a taxi and guided him inside. It was a short trip to the hotel and as Patrick's energy continued to seep from him, Robin took hold of his good arm and led him the rest of the way to the room. Fumbling with the key, she managed to get it open and let him through.

He took several steps before stumbling slightly. Finding the bed, he sagged onto it and finally ripped the mask from his face. His chest heaved as he sucked in air and looked around the room. His eyes landed on a black knapsack that looked very much like one he owned.

Following his gaze, Robin smiled shyly. "Alexis and I went to your apartment and picked up some fresh clothes - she packed a bag for Eric too. I...I didn't know how long you'd be here but I figured you would need clothes."

"Thank you" he whispered.

As she looked at him she was overcome with a need to touch him, to hold him. She didn't know exactly how close she came to losing him tonight but judging by his injuries and his friend's, it was much closer than she was comfortable with. Closing the distance between them she closed her arms around him and softly brushed her lips against his. Closing his eyes he nipped at her bottom lip revelling in its softness.

"Robin" he choked out.

"I love you" she told him emphatically, "I_ forgive_ you and I am done being apart from you."

His eyes welled with tears as he stared wordlessly at her. "You...you can't say that just because I've been in a car accident."

"I'm not. I know we're good in a crisis but this isn't what this is. I was...I was with Alexis when you called because I was planning a surprise for you."

A long, slow breath escaped from his lips. His heart was beating loudly inside his chest and his hand trembled ever so slightly as he reached out and cupping the back of her head, drew her to him. His lips went in search of hers and having found them, he kissed her languidly ensuring to drink her in as he did so. He coaxed her lips apart with his tongue and moaned as it plunged inside the warm velvety confines of her mouth.

Robin broke their kiss and lovingly stroked his face. "Should we get you in the shower?" she asked. His eyes were heavy with fatigue and worry and the idea of taking a shower was beyond him. She seemed ot instantly recognize where he was at and smiled warmly at him, still holding his hand. "Or we can go with option b"

His eyebrows lifted slightly in response. "Option b?"

Gingerly and carefully, Robin undid his shoulder brace and removed his singed and blackened t-shirt. The purple slash left across his chest from where the seatbelt had restrained him gave her pause. "That must hurt" she observed. Patrick shrugged with his one good shoulder.

Holding up her finger, she headed to the bathroom and returned with a damp face cloth. Patrick was reclined against the pillows, his eyes closed. Climbing up on the bed, she kneeled up beside him and set about undoing his jeans; his eyes flew open.

"You're always trying to undress me Doctor Scorpio," he joked weakly.

"Can you blame me? When you look that good, you should be naked." She pulled the jeans down his legs and tossed them to the floor.

Picking up the facecloth she gently dragged it across his chest; he shivered. She darted around the deepest bruises, doing her best to remove the traces of smoke and soot without causing him any pain. She was grateful to be able to take care of him, that he was letting her. Patrick exhaled slowly, closed his eyes and sank further against the pillows as she dabbed at dirt on his face. He winced as his shoulder twitched and opening his eyes, found Robin staring at him.

"I'm okay" he told her, unconvincingly.

"I have some demerol in my bag," she told him. "Why don't you let me give you a shot and relieve some of your pain?"

"No....I don't.....I have to keep a clear head."

Scooting closer to him she softly ran her hand across his chest. "Why?"

He growled as he felt his eyes prick with tears yet again. He hated how emotional he was, how close to the surface all his feelings were but it was too much effort to hide them. "I have his medical power of attorney. And...I...I might be needed to make a decision and I can't do that if I'm drugged."

"Oh Patrick" she sighed, "you aren't going to be called on to make any decisions. Eric is going to be fine."

He shook his head. "I don't want to have to" he told her, "I don't want to ever be in a position where I have to decide about what qualifies as an extraordinary measure. I don't want to be the one to make that choice for someone I love."

"You won't have to" she reassured him. "He's going to wake up and he's going to be okay."

Letting go of a shuddering breath he pushed her t-shirt over her belly, exposing her bump. He swept his hand back and forth across it as though it was some kind of touchstone. "There are only four people in my life that I care about," he said hoarsely. "And before you were pregnant, it was three. There was a long time in my life where he was the only person who mattered and who I could count on. This....this is the second time I've almost lost him." He swallowed thickly. "And on the heels of losing you-"

Robin took his hand in hers and pressed it over her heart. "You have not lost me" she told him emphatically. "I told you, I am done being apart from you. We belong together and we are going to be together," she touched her belly, "as a family."

His efforts to keep his tears at bay became futile as several hot tears dripped down his face. "All I could think of was the last conversation I had with you - I talked to you about a custody agreement. What if.....what if I didn't get another chance to tell you that I love you?"

Robin hugged him tightly and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "I know you love me," she reassured him. "I have never doubted it."

Patrick melted against her, feeling his foundation start to reappear under his feet. "I think I might take that shot now" he said quietly.

Nodding, she swung her feet to the floor and retreived her medical bag. Pulling on a pair of gloves, she prepared the syringe and approached the bed. "Shoulder or ass?" she teased, waggling her eyebrows.

Patrick smirked tiredly. "I don't think I could roll over if I tried."

She grinned as she climbed back on the bed. "That's okay, we'll save that for the next time we play doctor." Swabbing the area, she plunged the needle into his skin.

As he got under the covers, leaving them to pool around his waist, Robin disposed of the needle. Crawling back on the bed, she settled beside him and pressed a lingering kiss to his temple. "I am so glad you're safe" she whispered as she threaded her fingers through his hair. With enormous effort, Patrick rolled to his side and brought his head to rest against her shoulder; he stroked her belly with his hand and sighed deeply. Robin draped her arm around him and placed her hand over his, letting their joined hands move together over their baby.

"You okay?" she asked.

"I am, now that you're here."


	179. Chapter 186

**Chapter 186**

The sun shines on the black clouds

She stroked his hair as he slept, unable to keep herself from touching him. There was so much she had missed about him but strangely the weight of him in her bed was one of the things she had missed the most. He had stayed curled to her since he feel asleep, his good arm always in contact with her as though he needed to hold on to her. Through the night she watched as his bruises pushed to the surface in an array of colours showing the true extent of the damage and she was struck by how much that reflected Patrick's personality - it wasn't easy for him to admit his feelings and sometimes wouldn't until he could hide them no longer. And yet despite all of that she knew that he loved her - in all honesty, she realized that she knew she loved him long before he ever yelled it at her in her apartment. There had been too many opportunities to walk away that he never took.

As his newly defined chest rose and fell in steady rhythm she thought back to the first time they had made love. They had danced around each other for months and she had kept him just out of reach. There had been a few dinners - mostly disastrous - and plenty of inappropriate banter at work but she had been determined not to get involved. He was exactly who she didn't need in her life; except she knew even then she was lying to herself. He stirred something in her that she had not felt since - well ever, really. Their first few attempts to be together had been interrupted and she was beginning to believe it was never going to happen. In the end it was Mother Nature who had forced them into the cabin. They had been tentative with each other at first. She had thought with all the pent up sexual frustration they had generated that it would have been a release of unbridled passion but it had been loving and tender and Robin had been surprised at how concerned he had been with her pleasure. There had been a moment, fleeting and temporary, where something had shifted. Neither had been willing to admit it for quite some time but she knew now that they had both tapped into something unexpected with each other.

She had always hated the notion of being completed by another person; both her mother and her uncle had raised her to believe that she was complete on her own but there was something about loving Patrick and being loved by him that at least finished the circle. She knew she was a total person on her own but with Patrick she was more. It was as her mother had told her - give her heart but hold on to her soul. Patrick had her heart and despite all the bumps and detours along the way every choice he had made, rightly or wrongly, had been to protect it. It amazed her that she had not been able to see that before.

When Alexis had received the phone call about the car accident, Robin had felt her heart drop. Even with Patrick making the phone call and therefore proving he was okay, she had thought the world was closing in on her. Having come through his tumour, his heart stopping and two surgeries she had foolishly thought they had time to get where they needed to be. The phone call reminded her that time was never to be taken for granted.

Leaning in, she softly kissed his forehead. Patrick stirred and his eyes fluttered open. It took him several beats to focus and Robin watched carefully as he fought through the fog the demerol had produced.

"How long have I been out?" he asked, sweeping his hand over her stomach.

"About 14 hours" she told him.

Patrick's attempt to sit up quickly was met with shooting pain in his shoulder and pounding in his head. Grimacing, he flopped back against the pillows. "Did the hospital call?" His voice was still hoarse.

Robin rubbed her hand over his good shoulder and dropped a kiss on it. "I spoke to Alexis a couple of hours ago and Eric was still unconscious but holding his own. The surgeon spoke to her again and said he was pleased with where things are at."

He closed his eyes and slowly exhaled. "I want to go back to the hospital" he told her.

She smiled, having fully expected him to say so. "Okay" she nodded. "We can go. I ordered some room service - yougurt and toast - and once you eat something I'll help you get dressed and we can head over."

He smiled slyly. "You like bossing me around."

Robin smirked. "You bet your cute ass I do."

Slipping a hand around her waist, he rolled back on to his side and pressed a kiss to her belly. "Did you and our baby sleep at all?" he asked, looking up at her.

She threaded her hand through his hair again. "We did. And our baby told me that you are forbidden from getting into any more car accidents ever again. But baby is very happy that you saved Uncle Eric."

A small smile broke across his face as he heard Robin refer to his best friend as 'uncle'. Carefully pulling himself to a sitting position, he stroked her cheek with the back of his fingers as though he were slowly reacquainting himself with her. "I'd really Eric to be our baby's godfather."

"I thought you might" she smiled. "And I think that's a great choice."

"Thank you" he whispered.

She brushed her lips against his. "Let's get some food into you so we can get moving, okay?"

He gave a slight shake of his head and dipped back towards her stomach. "I swear baby, your momma wears army boots."

Robin screamed with laughter and for the first time in a long time, Patrick laughed freely. He cupped the back of her head and drew her to him again, kissing her slowly. "But you look damn sexy in them" he said against her mouth.

******  
Alexis wiped the sleep from her eyes and pulled herself up in the chair. She still had Eric's hand cradled inside hers; every once in a while his fingers would twitch against hers and she would shoot out of the chair, hoping he was waking up. But his eyes hadn't opened yet and aside from the occasional groan he had not shown any signs of doing so.

Her heart had taken up permanent residence in her throat. She had finally opened herself up to be loved - and to love - only to have it dangle precariously over the edge. Eric had been a most unexpected turn in her life. Slowly but surely he had made it impossible for her not to fall in love with him - he was steady and strong and present. They had not been connecting in recent weeks and she knew he was struggling to keep his head above water but despite her earlier proclamations to Robin she was not yet ready to walk away.

"I love you" she told him quietly as she kissed his hand. "And I don't want to rush you or anything but you know how neurotic I can be so if you could just see your way to waking up soon I'd really appreciate that."

"He's still being stubborn, huh?"

Alexis looked up from the bed and smiled tiredly as Robin and Patrick came through the door. She gratefully accepted the steaming latte Robin pressed in to her hands. "I remember when Patrick was in here how bad the coffee sucked" she offered as an explanation. "So Starbucks it is!"

"You're too good to me." She looked over at Patrick. "And you look like you're doing well," she remarked. It did not escape her notice how he reached for Robin's hand after she had divested herself of the coffee.

Patrick nodded. "I'm feeling okay" he told her. Walking to the foot of the bed, he pulled the chart from the hook and flipped through it. "I'll feel better when he opens his eyes."

"Me too" she replied, looking back at the bed. "You hear that Eric? You have an audience so waking up would be the polite thing to do." She gently placed his hand back on the bed and sank deeply into her chair taking a long, appreciative drink from the coffee. "Why....why were you guys driving here to New York anyways?" she asked.

Robin noticed Patrick's hand tremble slightly and gave him a curious look. She had not got around to asking him the same question, assuming he would tell her at some point. But now hearing the question she was wondering what exactly it was that had brought the two doctors - by car - into the City.

Inhaling sharply he looked over at his friend and shook his head. "A....uh....a friend asked for his help and so he was coming to help and well I was....I was coming to help Eric."

Alexis studied him carefully, noticing him shift uncomfortably and dropping his gaze. The lightbulb burned brightly as it went off over her head. "Karen?"

He looked at her in shock. "Yeah" he replied tentatively.

"What did she need help with?" Her heart, still lodged in her throat, was now threatening to suffocate her.

"She was moving into Eric's old apartment," he replied quietly.

"I don't understand," Robin said. "I thought....I thought he didn't really have much to do with her."

"He doesn't but...." Patrick felt like he had to choose his words carefully lest he blow up his friend's relationship. "She said she was in trouble."

Alexis tucked her legs up underneath her and exhaled slowly. "Karen was pregnant before Eric was sick and unfortunately miscarried," she said quietly. "That kind of loss will bind anyone regardless of what else happens."

His legs feeling rubbery, Patrick sank into a chair. "You....you knew?"

She nodded. "He told me a while ago."

Robin looked to Patrick. "But you didn't?"

He shook his head. "He just told me yesterday."

"Patrick," Alexis began, "I....I don't even know where to begin. You saved his life-"

Holding up his good hand, he interrupted her. "It wasn't an option Alexis - he's my best friend and I wasn't going to let anything happen to him." He rubbed his aching shoulder.

Robin was struck again at how tightly Patrick held on to the people he loved. Prior to him telling her there was only four people in his life he cared about she had not thought the number of people she loved in quantitative terms - if people were in her life they were there because she loved them and they mattered to her but there was something about his admission that felt small; it reminded her of the two boxes he had moved into her apartment - it was all he owned.

"Are you okay Alexis?" she asked as she pulled up a chair next to Patrick's and gently rubbed her hand along his thigh.

She nodded. "I am." Seeing the look on Robin's face, she amended her answer. "Oh - you mean about Karen?"

"It can't be easy"

"Actually I'm not bothered," she admitted. "He promised me that...." she paused, remembering their conversation on the porch. "If Sonny or even Ric were in trouble and asked me for help, I would. I'm not bothered"

Further discussion came to a crashing halt as Eric's moans grew louder and became more persistent. He clawed at the mask on his face as his eyes struggled to open. "Pantsy" he rasped almost inaudibly, not yet awake.

She scrambled to her feet and gently rubbed her chest. "Eric, wake up," she encouraged. He touched his face wincing as he made contact with the surgical wound. "Babe, open your eyes," she repeated.

Struggling his eyes opened briefly. "Get her away from me" he whispered before they slammed shut again.

Alexis stumbled backwards and fell into the chair. "Okay, now I'm bothered" she said to no one in particular.


	180. Chapter 187

**Chapter 187**

All I want to do is get back to the way we used to be

A palpable tension filled the room. Alexis stared in confusion and disbelief at her boyfriend. She wasn't ready to walk away but that would matter little if he had already left her. She started to replay conversations and moments in her mind, wondering if she had glossed over signs and signals from him indicating that he wanted out. Her breathing was shallow as panic started to set in. Robin moved to where she was, perched herself on the arm of the chair and soothingly rubbed her back.

With some effort, Patrick got up from his chair and walked to Eric's bedside. He rubbed his closed fist of Eric's heart. "Smitty, wake up. Open your eyes."

He groaned in protest and struggled to accede to his request. His head tossed from side to side as he fought through the fog enveloping his brain. "Pantsy" he called weakly, eyes still closed. "I'm....I'm dying. I'm not.....going to make it. You need to....make up.....with your dad."

Alexis gasped at his words and tears sprang to her eyes before tumbling down her cheek; Patrick and Robin shared a knowing look. Robin slid from the chair and coaxed her friend to her feet. "Let's go take a walk and get some air," she suggested.

She violently shook her head. "No" she replied urgently. "If he's....if he's dying I'm not leaving."

"He's not dying" Patrick said, still standing over his friend. "He's confused - probably from the concussion. We had this conversation several years ago."

Unsure, she looked to Robin for confirmation.

Seeing the questions in her eyes, Robin smiled sympathetically. "He's stable Alexis. Confusion is not unexpected after a head injury - add the anesthetic and pain medication to his system and it's pretty tough to think clearly." She slipped her arm inside hers. "Let's go for a walk and let Patrick see if he can't help him sort things out."

Patrick winked at his girlfriend as the two women left the room and then tried to rouse his friend again. "Smitty"

"Is she gone?" he croaked.

"Is who gone?"

"Karen.....she......she said....can't watch me die. I'm going to die" he repeated.

"Eric" he said firmly, "you need to open your eyes. You aren't dying. Open your eyes!"

He shook his head. "I can't....no more chemo Pantsy....tell them.....no more." Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes. "It hurts....no more..."

Patrick sucked in a breath and tried again to pull him from his hallucination. "Eric please" he pleaded. "There is no more chemo. We were in a car accident. Come on Smitty, snap out of it."

His eyes pulled open and landed, slightly unfocused, on his friend's face. "Can't do it any more" he said breathlessly. "Need you.....keep Karen away. No more s-s-surgery." He winced as he tried to move about in the bed, his injuries felt unfamiliar but did little to pull him from his confusion. "C-call your dad, f-fall in love and be h-happy."

Easing himself on to the side of the bed he carefully cupped Eric's chin to get him to focus on him. "Smitty, you have to listen to me - you beat the cancer - 5 years ago. You were in a car accident but you don't have cancer. My dad and I made it up, I have fallen in love and so have you."

"No" he cried piteously. "No....no one will want me. I'm damaged g-goods."

"Eric! God dammit!" Patrick's frustration was mounting and almost inexplicably he had a flash of Robin lying in the bed, drifting in and out of consciousness, and it felt like a hot poker slowly piercing his heart. It was like a preview and a flashback all at once and it left him momentarily breathless.

"You're the only one....only friend" Eric stammered, his eyes falling shoot. "Wish I was stronger."

Patrick watched as he slipped back into unconsciousness and sighed heavily. He knew the medical reasons for his friend's confusion but it was also a never before seen glimpse into a time he thought was long behind him. He had never once before heard Eric refer to himself as damaged and he hated the idea that he viewed himself that way. Through some of Patrick's darkest moments, in the past and more recently, he had been there for him, reminding him of what was important. Eric had never seemed to really need the same reassurances and Patrick now wondered if he had just been missing the signs.

Taking a quick read of Eric's vitals and relieved they were steady. Getting to his feet, he headed out the door in search of his girlfriend and Alexis.

******  
Standing in the Atrium, Alexis stared out the window and the bustling sidewalk below while Robin leaned against the railing and stared at her. _Get her away from me._ The words were like a vice grip around her heart. There was a twisted irony that he wanted her away from him when so much of their relationship had been about him drawing her closer. When they had first started dating his need to constantly touch her, the way he would hold her to him in bed or on the couch, unnerved her. So much of her life had been about establishing her independence and not surrendering to another person. Even in her marriage Ric had never seemed to need to touch her - on reflection she realized they had often gone days without sharing much intimacy at all. But Eric was quietly present and she figured out how to fall in love with him without losing herself. The absence of his touch had been keenly felt.

"You okay?" Robin asked quietly.

She shrugged. "I'm not sure" she answered honestly. "I....I don't know."

"How can I help?"

Alexis smiled appreciatively. "I'm not sure there is anything to do. He...for whatever reason, he doesn't want me near him."

"Alexis," she interjected kindly, "you don't know that. It's very likely he's hallucinating or confused."

"Or maybe he's as clear as he's ever been. Maybe the truth is out."

"I don't believe that" Robin told her emphatically. "I have seen the two of you together and I don't believe he wants to be away from you."

"And yet he's in the hospital because he was in a car accident. He was on his way to move his ex-girlfriend into his old apartment and I didn't even warrant a call or a text message."

"I'm sure there's a good reason for that."

Pursing her lips together, Alexis shook her head. "I'm not." Exhaling slowly, she turned her back away from the window and leaned against the railing. "I think Eric isn't the only one confused" she laughed with a hint of bitterness in her voice.

"You know, I learned - when Patrick was in here - that patience was the one thing that was needed and the one thing that was hardest to come by. I believe Eric loves you completely and I think you do too. Don't let your mind gallop too far ahead Alexis."

"Every time I think taking a risk will pay off, I find out - generally the hard way - that it doesn't."

"Don't give up my boy just yet" Patrick said as he joined them.

"How is he?" she asked urgently.

Robin watched him carefully and could see some fresh wounds in his eyes and pulling herself from the railing, slipped her hand inside of his

"He's altered" Patrick said. "I just spoke with his surgeon and they're going to run some tests. He thinks he still has cancer - he thinks he's in the hospital because of his cancer and he thought you were Karen."

Alexis sucked in her bottom lip, not quite daring to hope. "Are you sure?"

He nodded. "He was talking about stuff that happened five years ago"

"Is he still awake?" she asked hopefully.

Patrick shook his head. "No, he fell back under. He'll be in and out of it for a while - I wish I had more to tell you but the only thing to do now is wait."

"Is there any reason to suspect he won't wake up?"

Robin looked up at him as she felt him tighten his hold on her hand.

"No there isn't," he said quietly. "Head injuries are tricky but I have no reason to think he won't wake up and be fine. He will be fine Alexis." His addendum sounded more like the words of a best friend than a doctor.

Smiling bravely, she nodded. "Thank you" she whispered tearfully. "I'm going to go back to his room."

"Alexis, why don't you go to the hotel and sleep for a few hours?" Robin urged.

"I can't" she admitted. "I...I don't want him to wake up and find I'm not there. Thank you both." Gathering her purse she quickly exited the atrium and headed towards his room.

Drained, Patrick looked around the room and finding a couch against the far wall, walked over and flopped down. Robin followed and sat down beside him, curling towards him. She gently stroked his hair letting her fingers trail down the side of his face.

"You're awfully quiet" she observed. "Did something happen that you didn't want to tell Alexis?"

He shook his head before dropping it to Robin's shoulder. "I don't think I've been a very good friend to him."

"What do you mean?"

"He was babbling - thinking he was still in chemo - and even though I knew how sick he was I don't think I understood that he was so close to the edge. He...he called himself damaged, Robin. That's my best friend and that he thinks of himself like that...." his voice trailed off.

She kissed his cheek. "I'm sorry" she said quietly.

"Me too. There was....one night before my surgery he told me that he had prayed for death and I don't think I understood how desperate he had been then until now. Back then....all I could think about was what his death would mean for me. How utterly alone I would be. I never knew I was so selfish."

Entwining her fingers through his, she brought their joined hands to rest on her stomach. "You aren't selfish Patrick - not when it comes to the people you love. Illness just doesn't happen to the person who is sick - you reminded me of that very recently. You were living with his cancer alot like you live with my HIV and that means you can't separate how you feel from what is happening to the person who's sick."

Bringing her hand to his mouth, he kissed the palm. "Can you promise me something?" he asked.

"Sure"

"If you're....if you ever feel like I'm not noticing something or not giving you what you need, can you promise to tell me?"

"You always give me what I need" she told him, "even when I don't know what that is." Robin encircled his arms around him and rested her chin on his good shoulder.

Tilting his head to the side, he kissed her softly. "I couldn't do this without you" he told her softly.

"You don't have to," she replied. "Ever."


	181. Chapter 188

**Chapter 188**

Every fading hope will find its way

The sun was shining brightly as they finally exited the hospital and strolled, hand in hand, along the busy sidewalks. New York was a city that was perpetually in motion and Patrick found it slightly unnerving at first as everyone seemed to be moving at twice the speed he was.

They had sat on the couch in the atrium for almost an hour before Patrick suddenly got to his feet and said he wanted to go for a walk. He found the hospital suffocating; he could never get used to being there and not working as a doctor. There were things he never noticed when he was working that seemed almost overwhelming as a patient or a visitor – the antiseptic smell, the incessant chatter by staff about everything and anything, the sudden feelings of invisibility when he was normally sought after. They had checked in on Eric and Alexis before heading outside.

They walked for several blocks before finding a bench and taking a break. He was surprised at how much his stamina had been affected in such a short period of time. As he stared at the people rushing by, cell phones glued to their ears and oblivious to everything around them, his mind drifted back to the hockey game he and Robin had attended – one of the items on his list that had been crossed off.

Noticing the smile ghosting across his lips, Robin ran her hand over his head. "What are you thinking about?" she asked quietly.

"The Rangers game I took you to" he said, looking at her from the corner of his eye. "That was a fun night."

His tone was explicit and Robin felt her cheeks burn brightly at the memory. "It sure was. You scored, if I remember correctly."

He grinned and stole a quick kiss from her. "I believe we both did."

"Well hockey season is only a few months away" she said, "I think we should make some plans to come back for a Rangers game."

He nodded. "It's never too early to get our child cheering for the right team," he teased lightly.

"Relentless," she muttered under her breath before becoming more serious. "Can I…can I ask you something?"

Tilting his head to the side, he looked at her quizzically. "Of course."

"Were you…I mean I know we aren't, weren't….." The words seemed suddenly too big to get out so she closed her eyes and took a deep, steadying breath. "You were going to call me and tell me what happened, right? You were going to tell me about the accident?"

It occurred to her that she had no idea if he would have called her had she not shown up. Things had been so strange between them for several weeks and beyond their admissions of love for each other it was almost impossible to determine anything else. And while they were now truly on their way back to where they were meant to be, she knew they weren't there yet. There was still ground to cover and she worried that along the way he had built up some resentment towards her; not that she blamed him but she didn't want anything to be left to fester.

The smallest gasp escaped from the back of his throat and he drew her closer to him. "Yes" he told her. "I really was. I…but I couldn't call you until everything else was settled."

"Why not?" she asked curiously.

"Because the minute I heard your voice I knew that I would have just wanted to stop; I would have wanted to get lost in you somehow and I couldn't – not until Eric was out of surgery and Alexis knew what was going on. I couldn't call you until I was sure it was okay for me to stop."

"Oh Patrick" she sighed quietly, brushing her lips over his.

"It was….when I heard your voice and then looked up and saw you there" he blew out his cheeks. "I thought I was imagining you."

"Did you think I wouldn't come if you called?"

"Truthfully?"

"There is no other option between us."

He nodded. "I wasn't sure. I didn't know where we were."

Cradling his hand in both of hers, she pressed it against her chest. However difficult it was to hear that admission, she was grateful for the honesty. "I have no intention of ever letting you go," she told him. "But let me just say for the record, there is absolutely no circumstance under which I wouldn't show up for you – no matter whatever happens between us."

He kissed her softly, his tongue sweeping inside her mouth. Robin tried to climb into his lap, her progress impeded by her belly but Patrick's arm wound around her waist and tugged her as closely to him as she could be. The kiss was a mixture of need, love and reassurance on both parts.

While the midday crowd continued to pass by in a flurry, time stood still for both of them. The kiss seemed to go on for minutes and when breathlessness finally drove them apart, they stayed glued to each other, their mouths hovering in proximity.

"I love you" she whispered into his mouth.

"Me too" he replied, his gaze locked firmly on hers.

"Do you want to go back to the hotel and rest?" she asked carefully.

He shook his head. "I'd like to go back and sit with him. How about you? Do you need to rest?"

Robin rubbed her belly and smiled as she shook her head. "No – we're fine and we want to be where you are."

He nodded, getting to his feet. "Okay."

*****  
They quietly pushed open the door to Eric's room and stopped as they saw Alexis dozing, her head on his bed. Hearing the creak of the door her eyes flew open and her head shot up.

"Hey" she greeted them softly.

"How are you?" Patrick asked as he settled into the chair on the opposite side of the bed. Extending his hand to Robin, he pulled her to his lap.

"I'm too heavy" she protested.

He shook his head in disagreement. "You're perfect" he told her as he slid an arm around her waist.

Curling against him, Robin looked over the bed at her friend whose face bore the worry and strain of the last 48 hours. "Alexis-"

Knowing where her friend was headed, she gave a small shake of her head. "Not until he wakes up," she said.

"He used to dress up as the Easter Bunny" Patrick said suddenly.

"What?"

"The Easter Bunny. The volunteers have costumes for holidays and when we were interns, he used to dress up as the Easter Bunny and go up to the peds floor and drop off treats to the kids. This giant 6'5 guy in a yellow bunny costume – the kids would scream with laughter when they saw him"

Chuckling, Alexis stroked Eric's hand. "You are such a geek" she told him softly.

"I also have photos of him as the Tooth Fairy" Patrick added.

Robin looked at him in shock. "Seriously?"

"A pink fairy costume. It was a little disturbing how it fit him. But once the nurses discovered he had no fear of dressing up and being foolish, they would come to him for everything and Eric being Eric, he couldn't turn them down."

"Aww babe," Alexis teased, curling her fingers through his. "Wait until I tell the girls. They will want to play Princess Tea Party with you every day. I'll have to see if we can find you a tiara."

"I'll be wanting photos for my collection" Patrick added. As Robin leaned back against him, he nuzzled her neck soothed once again by her warm scent. "I've always envied him a little bit" he admitted.

"Because he's smarter than you?" Robin asked teasingly.

"Hey!" he protested, nibbling her ear. "I beat him in every test but one. No, I envied him because he was always so seemingly unflappable. My temper was…is…much closer to the surface but it was worse when we were here. I would get told off or pushed aside and I would rage for hours. The same thing would happen to him and he would just seem to accept it, let it roll off his back and move on."

"You keep saying seem" Alexis noted.

"Yeah" he grinned, "because everyone would think he was fine with something but meanwhile he was really seething inside. I remember one day, our whole group got reamed out by our attending but Eric was singled out for being particularly useless that day. He stood there, almost a foot taller than our attending and took it – every awful word. He didn't talk about it for the rest of his shift and then went home. He was in the kitchen and dropped his fork on the floor. No big deal, right? Well it seemed to set him off and he picked up his dinner plate and smashed it on the floor – all that was missing was an 'opa!' from him."

"What did you do?" Robin queried.

"I did the only thing a supportive and caring friend could do," he replied "I went into the kitchen, took down all our dinner plates, passed him half a stack and we started smashing them all into the floor."

Both women laughed heartily at the image of the two young doctors, breaking plates in a vain effort to relieve frustration.

"We ended up eating from bowls and side plates for three months" he added, chuckling.

The conversation came to a halt as he started to groan and move about in the bed. Alexis was by his side, comfortingly running her hand across his chest. "Eric, you're okay" she reassured him.

His eyes fluttered several times before he finally managed to pry them open. He stared at her for several long, torturous moments and Alexis braced herself for a repeat of his confusion, silently reminding herself that it wasn't an indication of bad things to come.

His tongue darted from his mouth vainly trying to moisten his dry lips. He continued to stare at her, his vision slightly impeded by the swelling in his face. Inhaling slowly, he opened his mouth.

"Lexie" he sighed.

Tears sprang to her eyes and she nodded. "Hi there"

"Wh-where's Pantsy?" he asked, his blue eyes widening in fear. "Is he okay?"

"I'm right here" he said. Robin slid from his lap and Patrick moved to his bed side.

Eric slowly turned his head, wincing as he did so. He looked his friend up and down and smiled weakly. "You look like shit."

Patrick gave a small grateful laugh. "Yeah well, still prettier than you. I think those bruises are an improvement to your ugly mug."

His attempt to smile was met with pain. "Did you….did you call Robin?"

She stepped forward and gently touched his leg. "You know the two of you can't be alone unsupervised," she teased lightly.

"Hey" he greeted her weakly before turning his attention back to Alexis. He reached for her hand and let go a shaky breath. "I'm….I'm sorry."

Bending down she kissed him again. "I'm just glad you're awake"

Patrick turned to Robin and pulled her to his body. Her arms went around his waist and she hugged him tightly. It seemed that whatever detour they had all taken might finally be over and they were ready to get back on the road.


	182. Chapter 189

**Chapter 189**

Lucky is the man who learns from his mistakes

Shifting in his bed Eric gingerly touched his cheek, wincing as he did so. Patrick had given him the rundown on his injuries and reassured him more than a few times that the accident had not been his fault. The police had asked to speak to him but Alexis, in full lawyer mode, waved them off telling her client was still not in any shape to provide a statement. As Patrick started to sway on his feet, enveloped in exhaustion and worry, Robin had taken him back to the hotel to rest. He had tried to get Alexis to go with them but she refused; the only concession she agreed to was to get something to eat.

Alone and free of most of the fog that had surrounded his brain he felt almost sick at the realization of what an ass he had been. His grief at losing Josh had swallowed him whole and pulled the bandaid off a number of wounds that had not entirely healed. Because of his stupidity he nearly lost his life and very well could have taken his friend's life in the process; he may not have caused the accident but he sure as hell had put them on that road. But even before he got into the car that night, his selfishness might very well have cost him the best thing that had ever happened to him.

Sighing heavily, he sank back against the pillows.

"That's a big sigh," Alexis remarked as she came through the door.

His attempt at at grin melted into a grimace. "Apparently facial expressions are going to be a while in coming," he said quietly. He watched her as she pulled the chair and it did not escape his notice how utterly drained she looked. Extending his hand to her he noticed her hesitation before she took it. "I'm sorry" he told her earnestly.

She smiled sadly. "Eric...if you don't want to be with me then I need you to tell me. I'll be sad because I am deeply in love with you but I want you to be happy and if it's not with me then we shouldn't be together."

"I do want to be with you" he said hoarsely. "More than anything."

"It's been kind of hard to tell" she replied softly.

"I know and I'm really sorry for that."

The question burned hotly in the tip of her tongue; she wanted to ask so she could get the answer but there was a little voice in the back of her head reminding her that the truth did not always set you free. "Are you....are you in love with her?" She braced herself, waiting for the inevitable body blow.

"No" he said as emphatically as he could. "I'm in love with you."

"Then why were driving to here late at night without even so much as a phone call to tell me where you were? What were you coming for?"

His gaze dropped to the bed and he slowly let go of her hand. "For my old life" he whispered.

Alexis moved back in the chair and pulled her legs up underneath her. "Your life before me?"

The shake of his head was almost imperceptible. "Before cancer." He swallowed thickly. "My....my life then was really uncomplicated. I knew what I was doing, I knew who I was and where I was going. I....losing Josh....I feel lost. I'm not sure who I am and," he turned his head to met her eyes. "And I don't know how to be a good boyfriend to you when I don't know who I am."

She let go of a breath and moved towards him, reaching for his hand. "Oh Eric." He tried vainly to keep the tears that had pooled in his eyes from falling, swiping angrily at them. "I know who you are"

"Really?"

Nodding, she got up from the chair and perched herself on the edge of the bed. "You are strong - quiet but strong - and smart. You have an enormous capacity for love and you are the most amazing man I know."

"I don't know how you can say that," he said.

"I can say that because I love you. Because my heart has never been as full as it is with you. We can get through this Eric - I love Josh too and losing him has been really hard - losing you in the process has been harder." Several tears streaked down her cheeks and he wiped them away.

"I thought I was drowning and I didn't know what to do."

"You reach out for me and hold on. I'll keep you afloat for as long as you need."

They stared wordlessly at each other for several minutes. Forgivness could only happen when truth was spoken and having revealed their feelings to each other, they both took a moment as the dust settled.

"I'm...I've asked to be released tomorrow" he said, breaking the silence.

Alexis looked at him in surprise. "Is that wise?"

"There's nothing in my injuries that requires hospitalization. And I'd like to go home."

"Home where?" she asked tentatively.

"Home to you and the girls."

Leaning in Alexis kissed him softly. "Then home we will go" she whispered against his lips.

****  
Looking up over the screen of her laptop, Robin furrowed her brow as Patrick tossed and turned in bed. They had walked from the hospital to the hotel with Patrick chattering the entire way about how relieved he was that Eric was no longer confused and how he would be happy to return to Port Charles tomorrow. By the time they got to the hotel, he was exhausted and had changed into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and climbed into bed for a nap. She had offered to cuddle up with him but he had demurred, saying he was just wanted to sleep.

That was nearly half an hour ago and not only was he not asleep but he seemed unable to stay in one position for longer than 30 seconds. "Am I keeping you up?" she asked.

Rolling on to his other side so he was facing her, he gave a small shake of his head. "No. I just....I'm fucking tired and I can't fall asleep" he gritted out in frustration.

Shutting down her laptop, Robin came from around the desk and crawled to him on the bed. Touching his shoulder she was shocked to find it knotted and tense. "You're a wreck" she observed softly.

Exhaling, he looked up at her and shook his head. "I can't seem to relax" he grunted.

"Why don't I help?" she offered, sliding around behind him and pulling him to her.

Grabbing hold of the hem of his shirt, she peeled it from his body and tossed it off the side of the bed. Rubbing her hands together to warm them she then set about kneading his twisted and tight muscles. He grunted and groaned as her fingers worked expertly to untie the knots; his breathing lengthened and the headache that had been threatening at the margins seemed to recede further. Robin said nothing, only smiling to herself as he pushed back further against her, letting his head drop to her shoulder. She carefully rubbed his neck, loosening what she could before returning to his shoulders.

She loved the feel of his smooth skin underneath her hands and the way they seemed to know exactly where to go to bring him relief. It was most likely the hormones and perhaps the length of time since they last had sex but the more she touched him, drawing her fingers along his sinewy muscles that were so defined from pounding on the heavy bag, the hotter she got. Shifting her hips she tried to send a message to her body to behave itself but like a rebellious teenager, it had a mind of its own. Feeling the heat from his body she was unable to resist any longer and without thinking she whispered a line of kisses along his shoulder. Patrick shivered underneath her. Turning his head to the side and his mouth went in search of hers.

Both groaned as their mouths fastened on each other's, their tongues tangling together. Wanting to touch more of him, taste more of him, Robin crawled from behind him and straddled his lap. Her hands swept across his broad chest tracing the muscular outline. His hands burrowed under her shirt, trailing along her back before he dragged them to the front and cupped her breasts. Robin pushed herself further into his hands as their mouths remained fused in passionate, needy kiss. She rotated her hips in a slow circle over his, grinding against him swallowing down his moan. Her hands swept downwards and began to fumble with the elastic waistband of his shorts. Patrick dropped his hands and closed them over hers.

"R-robin" he said breathlessly. "I...I have to stop."

She looked up in surprise, stilling her hands but not removing them. "Pardon?"

"I...I can't" he said apologetically, his cheeks burning brightly under his admission.

Robin slid from lap but curled in beside him. "You mean you can't or....you don't want to?"

He pressed his lips to her forehead as he draped an arm around her. "A bit of both"

Evidence of strain etched on to his face and Robin took a deep breath, bringing her hand to rest over his heart. "Talk to me."

Turning on his side, facing her, he laid his arm across her waist. "Every time I close my eyes I see the headlights swerving for us and I can hear the windshield shatter and the sound of Eric's head smashing against the steering wheel. And I'm haunted by the thoughts that I nearly died without seeing my baby - our baby. That I nearly lost it all. And as much as I want you, I'm having a hard time getting those images out of my head."

Dipping in, Robin brushed her mouth over hers. "I'm so sorry" she whispered.

"And when I think of how close I came to losing everything and all that we've been through I don't....I don't want to just give in to impulse. I want...I want it to mean something." He sucked in his lower lip as he looked at her. "Does that sound as stupid as I think it does?"

She snuggled closer to him, her hand snaking around his waist. "No" she told him kindly. "It makes a lot of sense. I think it's two separate but related issues - the first being that you're not quite in the right frame of mind for sex and the second being after our time apart you want the reunion to be complete."

Patrick nodded and in that Robin had an insight into how far back she had pushed him in her effort to come to terms with her own demons. She knew that on some level he still wasn't sure of her forgiveness or that her desire to be back together was motivated out of more than fear from his car accident. It was as she had told Alexis that night at the house - she needed to show him through deeds and words.

"I do want to make love to you" he reassured her. "For hours" he said with a sly smile. "I want us to spend a weekend in bed and never stop touching."

Taking his hand Robin brought it to her mouth and slowly kissed each finger. "We will. And in the meantime we're just going to stay like this, okay?"

He gave a small smile and stole a quick kiss. "I love you" he state quietly.

"And I love you." She dragged her thumb along his lower lip. "Do you think you're ready to try and nap now?"

Inahling sharply and tugging her so close to him that there was no space, he nodded. His eyes grew heavy and closed. Robin brought her head to rest on his chest and listened to his heart beat steadily. As long as they were together, everything was possible.


	183. Chapter 190

**Chapter 190**

Love is just the antidote when nothing else can cure me

"So we're going home in the Cassadine jet, huh?" Patrick grinned as Eric carefully pulled a shirt on. Robin sat on his lap, her fingers curled through his. All anxious to get home as soon as possible, Alexis had called for the jet to return to the City and take them home.

"She broke out the big guns for me" he teased, winking at Alexis. "I like having a sugar momma."

She rolled her eyes. "Well when you get a phone call at midnight telling you to get to New York as soon as possible, it's hard to book a commercial flight."

He reached for his crutches and pulled himself to his feet. He stood for only a moment before slumping back down on the bed, pale and sweating.

"Trying to be a hero?" Patrick asked.

"Yeah, something like that."

"I'll get you some wheels" Patrick said, getting to his feet.

"I really don't want them," he protested weakly.

"Tough Smitty. You don't get a lot of say here," he shot back as he left the room.

Eric glanced at the two women and shook his head. "You're all going to be bossing me around for a while, aren't you?"

Robin grinned. "Pretty much."

"And we're going to enjoy it" Alexis added, leaning in and gently kissing him.

A knock at the door interrupted them and she felt him stiffen and tense as he looked over his shoulder. In an instant she understood who it was and pulling herself to her full height headed to the door.

"Alexis-" he called to her, reaching for his crutches.

"I've got it," she replied waving him off. Standing the doorway, blocking the entrance, she quickly took the measure of the woman before her. "Can I help you?" she asked perfunctorily.

The blonde woman tried to look past her before smiling sweetly. "I'm a friend of Eric's and I was just stopping by to see how he is."

"He's fine" Alexis replied. "And he's not seeing any visitors so I'm afraid you'll have to go."

"I'm an old friend, he'll want to see me" she insisted.

Alexis arched her eyebrow and simply stared at her. "Actually Karen, he doesn't."

Surprise registered on her face and she took a small step back. "You must be his new girlfriend," she remarked, trying to regain an advantage.

"Not really all that new."

"Well I haven't heard about you and Eric and I are….connected."

A feline smile crossed the lawyer's face. "Everyone who is important to Eric knows about me. Can't say I'm surprised you don't. What I am surprised about is that it took you almost three days to find his room. Oh wait, you never were very good with Eric being a patient."

Her cheeks burned hotly as she tried once again to get Eric's eye but he had his back to the door. "I've been busy."

"Trying to find someone else to manipulate?"

Her eyes blazed with fury. "Who the hell do you think you are? You are apparently threatened by me or something."

"Oh sweetheart" she laughed dismissively, "I'm not remotely threatened by you. How could I be threatened by someone who relies on manipulation and emotional blackmail to get someone to do something for them? He was helping you because he felt badly for you – you took advantage of him. If you were as 'connected' as you claim, you would have known he was struggling when you called and you never would have asked him to come and rescue you. But you're a selfish little tart and so you gave no thought to anyone but yourself. Eric is getting stronger and we're going home. You need to get out of his life and stay out. There is no room for you in it."

Karen spluttered and fumed. "Who the hell are you to tell Eric who he can and can't have in his life?"

"Someone who loves him very much and only wants what's best for him"

Listening to the conversation, Eric reached again for his crutches but Robin, sitting down beside him on the bed, put her hand on top of his. "You have to let her do this" she said quietly. "She's angry and scared and she couldn't protect you from losing Josh or the car accident but she can here and you have to let her do this."

He smiled sheepishly. "I'm not used to having my girlfriend fight my battles."

"Sometimes it's okay to let someone else take the punches for you" she offered. "Or throw them."

Eric said little for a few minutes, listening still to the conversation between the woman he loved and the woman who broke his heart. Tilting his head to the side, he smiled at Robin. "Baby Scorpio Drake seems to be growing by leaps and bounds."

"And kicking up a storm," Robin added. "Would you….would you like to feel?" she asked tentatively.

"Can I?" he asked excitedly.

She took his hand and placed it against the side of her stomach, watching in delight at his reaction as her baby walloped her belly. "Soccer player, I'm sure."

"That's amazing" he told her wondrously as he felt another kick.

"It's miraculous" she added. "Listen Eric, I have something for you."

"For me?"

Reaching into her pocket, she unpinned the necklace she had taken to carrying with her everywhere she went. "When Patrick had his seizure in Scotland, he was holding this in his hand and he told me you had given it to him and what it meant. When…when my protocol failed, he draped it around me neck and told me to wear it because I was a warrior." She blushed slightly at the memory. "But I think….I think maybe it's time for you to have it back."

"Robin" he said hoarsely, looking at the gleaming medallion.

"I know things have been rough Eric and on some level it can't be easy to watch your best friend realize some of the dreams that you had. But if I've learned anything in the last year it's that miracles happen when you least expect it. So you should hold on to this" she pressed it in to his hand, "draw what you need for it and trust that things are going to be better."

Wordlessly, he hung the medallion around his neck and then hugged her tightly. "Thank you" he whispered.

They broke apart as they heard Karen stomp off down the hallway, a string of expletives following in her wake. Shrugging, Alexis walked back over to the bed. "So where were we? Oh yes, talking about bossing you around,"

Eric grinned and held out his hand to her. "I am so hot for you right now, I can't stand it."

She stepped to him and looped her arms around his neck as she bussed his mouth. "I love you" she told him quietly.

"Your chariot awaits" Patrick announced as he came through the door. "I just saw Karen crying in the hallway, not sure which one of you is responsible for it but you have my undying gratitude. Now, let's blow this popsicle stand."

****  
They stood outside the apartment, both shifting nervously, unsure of what to do. It had been an uneventful plane ride back and Robin had offered to take Patrick home. She had waited, hoping he would suggest her apartment, but when he didn't she drove him to the loft.

Carrying his knapsack for him they had said little during the elevator ride up from the garage and now outside the door both were at a loss. Like so many other times in their relationship, they were once again at a point where they lacked definition and she was loathe to do the defining for them as she didn't want Patrick to feel as though she was pressuring him.

Patrick struggled with asking her in. Now that he had her back, or at least he thought he did, he didn't want to let her go. But at the same time he didn't want to rush too far too quickly and upset the precarious balance they had just achieved. All he really did know was that he didn't want to spend another night alone in his bed.

"Do you want to come in?" he asked.

"I should go" Robin said at the same time.

They stared at each other before bursting out laughing.

"Would you like to come in?" Patrick repeated.

"Do you want me to?" she asked with a hint of nervousness in her voice.

"Well I think Doctor Scorpio that you would be abandoning your medical responsibilities if you left me all on my own."

"Oh?" She tried to suppress a giggle.

He nodded seriously. "What if I can't get my shirt off without causing pain? What if I get up and am lightheaded and fall down or worse, what if I can't fall asleep without you?"

"Is this where you compare me to a blankie again?" she teased.

"I told you, a hot, sexy blanket" he corrected her, dipping his head and kissing her softly.

"Well I'd hate for you not to be able to get your shirt off. I think I better come inside."

Fishing the keys from his pocket, Patrick unlocked the door and led her inside. Despite his protestations, she insisted he rest on the couch while she scrounged up some food for dinner.

She smiled as she came out from the kitchen carrying a tray of hummus and pita, strawberries and two glasses of gingerale. Setting the tray down, she joined him on the couch burrowing under the blanket until she was beside him. Patrick had found a movie on television and they sat snuggled up together, wrapped in each other's arms.

"Do you have plans tomorrow night?" Robin asked during a commercial break.

"I think you're pretty much looking at it" he said. "Why?"

"I want to take you somewhere" she replied.

"Where?"

"You'll find out tomorrow."

"Not even a hint?"

"Nope. Tomorrow."

She snuggled back into him, her head resting against his chest. Tomorrow would be her opportunity to show him with deeds and words that she truly, unreservedly, wanted it all. Tomorrow was going to be the first day of the rest of their lives together.


	184. Chapter 191

**Chapter 191**

Here I stand with my everlasting love

The house was exactly as she had left it four days earlier; the pillar candles were strategically placed around the room and she left a dusting of rose petals from the entrance into the living room and up the stairs to the bedroom. It was as romantic a scene as she had ever created and all she needed now, having lit the near 100 candles, was the man she loved.

She pulled the door shut behind her, climbed into the car and headed back to the loft. The time for waiting was through.

****  
Patrick looked at her askance as she pulled out the black scarf and moved to tie it around his eyes.

"Robin, I don't think your car is big enough for us to play in," he said with a sly smile.

"Such a comedian" she deadpanned as she tied the scarf. "I just figured you'd prefer not to watch me drive considering you always say that I'm a bad driver."

"You are" he muttered under his breath.

"Pardon?"

"Nothing"

"That's what I thought" she replied with a grin.

It was a short drive to the house and as they got closer, Robin's heart started to thump so loudly she was sure he would be able to hear it. She hadn't expected to be nervous, given how confident she was in his feelings for her and more importantly her feelings for him, but as they pulled into the driveway, her entire body felt shaky. A pang of regret stabbed at her as she realized just how painful her rejection at the house – of the house – had been for him. Not for the first time did she find herself wishing she was able to turn back the clock and take back some of what she had said.

She pulled open the passenger door and helped him to his feet. As she guided him up the stairs, she wondered if he had already figured out where they were; if he had, he certainly wasn't letting on. Leading him into the living room, she brought him to a stop and then, standing on her tip toes, removed the blindfold from his eyes.

Patrick blinked several times, his eyes adjusting to the light, as he looked around the room. It was the first time he had returned to the house since he had ended things with Robin and his stomach dropped just a little as those memories rose up.

"Wh-what's all this?" he asked nervously, rooted to his spot.

Robin inhaled deeply and smiled warmly at him. "This is a beautiful house" she said quietly. "It's big and roomy with lots of space for a family. The backyard is just begging for a swing set, a tree house or a fort. The basement has the makings of an amazing playroom and the bedrooms – well the master bedroom – they are just the type of space you would want to spend days in."

Jamming his hands in his pockets, he took one serrated breath after another. "What are you trying to say?" he asked.

It wasn't that he didn't understand where she was headed but he couldn't make any assumptions – not any longer. He needed to hear her say, out loud, what it was that she wanted. He couldn't afford to be wrong about her intentions.

Her tongue darted from her mouth and nervously licked her lips. In her head this scene had played out 100 times but now, standing before him, she realized none of those scenarios mattered – only this one did.

"I love you" she said simply. "I love you in ways that I did not know was possible and that has scared the crap out of me. I've…I've always been the smart one in my relationships or the strong one or the leader and that has allowed me to control almost everything. And when my heart was broken it gave me more reason to try and control everything around me but I have learned that love – true, deep, gravity-defying love – can't be controlled. It sweeps you up and pulls you where you are meant to be and the best you can do is hold on and trust that the landing will be soft."

The room glowed and Robin's rich, brown expressive eyes shone with love and hope. Patrick stared at her, unable to take his eyes away from her as he let her words wash over him.

"And so I'm standing here telling you that I don't want to control everything any more. I have been a prisoner to my fears for so long that I nearly let it cost me the greatest gift I have ever been given – you," she said hoarsely, as she pointed to him. "I want to be free – free to love you unabashedly, free to be a family with you built on love and respect and passion. I want to be free to dream of a future – a future with you and our children."

"Children?" he asked tentatively.

Robin nodded. "We have bedrooms to fill," she smiled tearfully. "I have never had anyone fight for me the way you have. From the very beginning you have fought to be in my life and pushed me to recognize that I deserve that – I deserve to be loved by you. And you deserve to be loved by me. I am a woman who was sure that love had passed me by and I had constructed my life in response to that. How little did I know that what I was building was on quicksand – the foundation I needed comes from sharing my life with you. And so I'm saying, in a rather long winded fashion" she joked quietly, "is that I want it all. I want the house – this house; I want our family, I want our future. I have no doubts, no reservations and no worries. You asked me a question a couple of months ago and I gave you an answer and extracted a promise that you would ask me again. I want you to know that when you're ready, when you're sure that you want to ask me again, I will have an answer for you."

The room fell quiet as Patrick stared at her. He smiled wondrously at her and pulling his hands from his pockets, slung them low on his hips. So moved by her declaration, his heart filled to the point of bursting, he was afraid to break the spell by speaking.

Feeling as though the world had stopped spinning as she waited for him to say something – say anything – Robin chewed on her bottom lip.

"Do you…..am I-"

Her sentence was left unfinished as he closed the gap between them and cupping her face, brought his mouth down on hers in a hungry, passionate kiss. She could have sworn she felt her feet leave the ground as his tongue swept inside her mouth tasting and teasing her. Robin wound her arms around his neck, holding on as her knees weakened from the kiss.

He guided her legs up and around his waist as he continued to kiss her, backing them into a wall for added support. Her fingers threaded through his hair as her lips started to swell from the pressure of his kiss. Leaning back, he stared at her breathlessly; his eyes were glassy with a mixture of love and desire and unable to help himself he placed a series of small staccato kisses against her lips.

Feeling his arousal growing against her, Robin smiled, somewhat shyly. "There's a bed"

"What?" he asked dumbfounded.

"Upstairs" she repeated, biting her bottom lip, "there's a bed."

It was all Patrick needed to hear. Pulling them from the wall, his mouth returned to hers and ravaged her with kisses. His tongue was insistent as it brushed against hers and Robin moaned loudly in response. Her hands pulled restlessly at the hem of his shirt trying to tug it over his head as they made their way to the staircase.

Feeling Robin slipping in his arms, he set her down against the stairs, peeling his shirt and tossing it over the banister. Her eyes danced with desire as she inhaled one ragged breath after another; reaching out she grabbed hold of his belt buckle and pulled him to her. Bracing his hands on either of side of her, he hovered just above his eyes smouldering as his hips brushed against hers.

Lifting her head she moved to kiss him and pouted as he ducked out of the way. He kissed her way down her body, over her dress, before kneeling in front of her. His hands trailed up and down her legs, teasing her thighs apart, before pushing her dress up. She shuddered as his knuckles grazed across her hot centre.

"You're wet" he rasped.

Robin nodded, almost not trusting herself to speak.

"These will have to come off" he told her as he peeled her black lace panties down her legs and throwing them over his shoulder. Leaning forward, he dropped a long, lingering kiss at the apex of her thighs.

"Patrick!" she squeaked, "what are you doing?"

"Tasting" he told her before he dragged his tongue along her sex.

"Aaaaah!" Robin cried out as his tongue dipped inside. Her legs started to shake as he covered her skin in hot kisses.

Frustrated by the barrier of her dress and suddenly overcome with a need to touch all of her, he pushed her dress up higher before finally getting it over her head. Quickly, he reached around her back and unhooked her bra, sending it to join the growing pile of clothes. Her nipples hardened and she moaned loudly as he closed his mouth around the tip, laving it with his tongue. Arching up from the hard wooden stair, she pushed her breast further into his mouth as she scratched her fingers along his chest. Her hips bucked as he traced the outline of her sex, teasing the bundle of nerves nestled at the top. She spread her legs wider in invitation but Patrick ignored her request, instead he continued to tease and touch and push her ever closer to the edge.

She mewled as Patrick switched to her other breast, biting playfully at the hardened peak.

"Jesus Patrick" she hissed.

She was desperate to cover him in kisses, to taste him, to free his erection from the confines of his jeans but she was incapable of keeping a though in her head as he assaulted all of her pleasure points. Her body was humming from his touch and she felt almost off balance from the rawness of her nerve endings. He brushed his cheek along hers as he nuzzled her neck before moving to the hollow of his throat where his tongue worked in small, deliberate circles.

Fumbling, her hands went in search of his belt as she clumsily undid it before turning her attention to his jeans. She dragged her fingertips along the outline of his arousal, straining dangerously against the denim and smiled as she felt him shudder.

Patrick stopped what he was doing as she finally pushed his pants over his hips, freeing him, and groaned as her hand wrapped around him and stroked his length.

"You're so hard" she told him throatily. "God, I love how you feel in my hands."

He jumped to his feet, moving away from her and kicked off his jeans. Bending down, he scooped her up in his arms, bounding up the stairs with urgency. She was teetering on the edge and bit down on his shoulder as he carried her through the bedroom door.

Laying her gently on the bed, he watched as she scooted back against the pillows, kneading her own breasts. "Don't leave me here by myself" she said, her eyes heavy lidded with desire.

"Show me what you want me to do" he commanded.

Robin's chest rose and fell as she stared at him. Dipping her hand between her legs she deftly moved her fingers about while their eyes remained locked on each other. "This" she panted, "I want you to do this…..and to be in here…."

Patrick jerked forward and crawled towards her on the bed. He paused, looking around for where he had left his jeans. Understanding what he was looking for, Robin reached over and pulled open the drawer on the nightstand, retrieving a condom. Tearing the packet open, she moved in front of him pushing him down against the bed. Placing the tip between her lips, she sheathed him with her mouth.

He grabbed the bed sheets, his eyes clenched shut as he felt the warmth from her mouth envelope him. He groaned as she straddled him, her hips undulating against his. He once again went in search of her mouth, needing to kiss her.

They moved around the bed, their bodies joined together as they hungrily reacquainted themselves. It had been weeks of passion and love denied and now they could not refuse it any longer. There was a flurry of limbs tangling, breath mingling and bodies touching. As the pleasure built, they pushed each other over the edge holding on to each other as though each was afraid to let go.

They collapsed on the bed, breathless and ragged. Patrick reached for Robin, tugging her to him as he dropped soft, loving kisses along her face. His hand swept across her belly, coming to rest on the side.

"I have just one question," he asked as his heart rate returned to normal.

"What's that?" she queried sleepily.

"When do we move in?"


	185. Chapter 192

**Chapter 192**

I can feel the magic floating in the air

The morning sun cut through the curtains warming the room; Patrick blinked and yawned as he was roused from sleep. Looking down at Robin, her hair fanned out over his chest and the soft ruffle of her breath blowing against his skin, he could not help but smile. His fingers danced along her belly and he sighed happily as he reflected on the night before. Her declaration had been exactly what he needed to hear. He had harboured doubts about her feelings for him and even about his ability to be the man she needed but it was though her words had freed him. He felt renewed.

Robin's eyes fluttered and she snuggled in closer to him as she started to wake. "Looking for round three?" she asked sleepily.

Sliding his finger underneath her chin and tipping it upwards he softly captured her lips in a languid, lazy kiss. "If we're going to have round three, we're going to need to start carb loading" he teased.

Laughing, Robin buried her head in his chest. "I am rather famished" she admitted. "It really was quite the workout."

"You're the one who kept asking for more - over and over again." Chuckling, he shook his head as he watched her skin flush pink. "I don't understand how that comment can make you embarassed considering some of the things we were doing last night."

"Because I'm a good girl at heart?" she offered with a sly grin.

Closing his arms around her, he swept her underneath him, his mouth just hovering above hers. "Oh no. You're a bad girl, a _very_ bad girl."

Cupping his face with her hands, she nipped at his lips. "So when do we move in?" she asked playfully, "after all we have rooms and rooms to christen."

"Mmm" he moaned, returning her kisses, "I think we should move in right now."

Lifting her head from the pillow and glancing around the room at the pillows and blankets that had been tossed, she grinned. "I think we have."

Following her gaze Patrick laughed, waggling his eyebrows. "Okay seriously, let's move this week. I'll call the movers and we can go shopping for baby furniture and stuff." Noticing a flash of concern pass through her eyes, he rolled off of her and sat up. Sliding his arm around her waist, he pulled her to him. "What's going on in that big, beautiful brain of yours?"

Her hand brushed against his chest, lingering over his tattoo. "Do you...are you okay with everything I said last night?" she asked, a hint of nervousness hitching in her throat. "Was it too much? Not enough?"

A look of surprise crossed his face and his mouth tugged upwards into a smile. "Robin," he began softly, "no one - no one - has ever said anything like that to me before. I know...I know you've been in love before but I haven't and I'm still rendered speechless when you tell me that you love me and that you want a future with me. So I'm not okay with what you said last night-"

"You aren't?"

He shook his head. "I am....I am breathless from what you said last night. And I want to get moving on our future right now."

Shifting to his lap, Robin looped her arms around his neck and teasingly kissed him. As the sheet gave way and pooled around her hips she pressed her breasts against his chest. Patrick stifled a groan as he returned her kiss. His hands slipped around her breasts, kneading them softly.

"I love the changes in your body," he whispered against her mouth.

Her hands curled over his shoulders and she smiled seductively at him. "I'm not the only one whose body is changing." Dipping her head she whispered a trail of kisses along his neck, loving the way his stubble lightly scratched her skin.

"You are more insatiable than ever," he rasped out as his head lolled against the pillows.

Feeling his arousal growing underneath him Robin swiveled her hips. "It's pregnancy hormones. What's your excuse?"

"I think they're catching."

His mouth went in search of hers and his tongue slipped past her lips. Taking great care with her, Patrick moved her to the side before reaching into the nightstand. If their lovemaking had been an urgent expression of passion the night before, it was a slow reaffirmation in the early light of morning. Their bodies tangled together as each delighted in exploring the other with fingers and mouths and tongues. The room was soon filled with moans of pleasure as they continued to connect without words. Robin gripped the sheets as he pushed her yet again to the edge; he loved to tease her and leave her teetering, on the verge of falling over and then pull back. He knew her body so well and with his expert hands was able to set every nerve ending on fire.

Bending her knees she cradled him with her hips and undulated against him, encouraging him. He was unable to resist any longer. There had never been another woman in his life who was able to make him feel as she did. Her pleasure became his pleasure and as their bodies moved together and he locked eyes with her he was sure there was simply no feeling on earth that could come close to this moment.

The near vacant house echoed loudly as their moans turned to cries as they pushed towards their climaxes before it all feel eerily silent; they collapsed on the bed, gasping for breath, their hands still joined together. Patrick nuzzled his face against hers.

"You know," he began, still slightly breathless, "if someone had told me that this was settling down was like, I would have signed up long ago."

Giggling, Robin kissed him again. "Well I for one am glad it was a mystery until you met me." Her stomach growled loudly and both burst out laughing.

"Kelly's?"

With a second wind Robin kicked back the covers and sprang to her feet. "Oh my god - pancakes and waffles and bacon. Lots of bacon."

Shaking his head in amusement Patrick got up and went in search of their clothes. Every thing, every little thing that had brought them to this moment was worth it.

*****  
"Patrick!" Noah greeted him as he pulled open his apartment door. "How's the shoulder?"

He gave it a small rub and shrugged. "Pretty good," he replied, crossing the threshold. "Though I have to say it's not an experience I want to repeat any time soon."

His father hugged him. "I'm just glad everyone is alright."

When Patrick had phoned him to tell him of the accident, he had offered to fly to New York and help out but Patrick had demurred, explaining Robin and Alexis were alread there. The news of the accident had left him slightly shaken but grateful that their relationship had been repaired. Almost every day he was amazed or impressed with the man his son had become and was thankful that he was allowed to be part of it.

"You're looking rather serene," Noah observed as he returned from the kitchen with two cups of coffee.

Well aware of the goofy grin permanently residing on his face he could do little but nod. "Robin and I are....we're back together and we're moving into the house."

Noah's hazel eyes shone proudly. "Really? Oh Patty, that is fantastic news! Everything is....it's sorted?"

"Yeah. I mean we still have stuff to work through but that's just us being us. She told me, without reservation, that she wants a future with me - she even mentioned children."

"Well I'm not opposed to a bucketload of grandchildren," Noah told him. "In fact I will offer myself as chief babysitter."

Patrick smirked. "Don't think we aren't going to take you up on that."

"Nothing would give me greater joy" he said softly, "than to be a part of your children's lives. It's an amazing thing to see miracles replicate."

"Miracles replicate?" he queried.

"You were a miracle for your mother and I and this child and any that come after will be a miracle for you and Robin."

He shook his head in wonder. These were conversations he had never imagined having and yet now that he was, he wanted more. He had never spent a lot of time contemplating the future, he wanted to live in the moment and wring every experience from it - or so he had told himself. But now the future was a bright, gleaming beacon on the horizon and he could not stop thinking about it. It was the possibilities it presented that energized him, that gave him hope, that made him happy.

"It's funny, when Robin burst through the doors of the OR the first time I met her, she told me she needed a miracle and I was it. The irony is I was the one who needed a miracle and I didn't even know it and now I have her."

"Patrick Drake discovers romance, who knew it was possible?" he teased.

Patrick laughed. "Sure as hell not me." He took a long drink from his coffee before speaking again. "Listen Dad, I....uh.....I came by for two reasons. One was to tell you about Robin and I."

"And the other?"

"To get the ring I gave you for safekeeping."

Noah looked at him in surprise. "Really?"

"Really. It's time. It might even be past time but I don't want to wait much longer to ask her."

Getting to his feet, Noah walked to this study. Patrick could hear the filing cabinet open and the rifling of papers; he smirked to himself sure his father had actually filed it under 'r' for ring or 'e' for engagement. His head snapped up as his father returned and pressed the box into his outstretched hand.

"Do you have a plan?" Noah asked curiously.

"I have the beginnings of a plan. I just need to call in a few favours to make it work."

"Anything I can do to help?"

"So far, no. But I will let you know."

Patrick pried open the box and his heart leapt as he looked at the ring again. It had been months since he had seen it but he felt the same way seeing it now as he did that day in the store in Rome. Closing the box he looked up at his father and smiled.

"By this time next week, Robin and I will be engaged."


	186. Chapter 193

**Chapter 193**

When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms, the whole world just fades away

Feeling a light touch on his face, Eric slowly opened his eyes. He smiled sleepily as Kristina continued touched his bruises. "What do you think?" he asked, "Is my face getting less scary?"

The young girl nodded. She was dressed and ready for school and as she had done every day since his return from New York, she had climbed onto the bed to check on him. Alexis had told him that both girls had been very upset when they heard he had been in the hospital and he had been doing what he could to help them through it.

"Does it hurt?" she asked, peering carefully at the smattering of bruises covering his cheek.

"Nah," he reassured her lightly. "I'm pretty tough."

Kristina lifted up his arm and snuggled up against him. "Josh yelled at me" she whispered.

"He did? How come?"

"I told him you were in a accident and he got mad. He told me to shut up and he wasn't my friend any more." The hurt in her voice was unmistakable.

Eric pulled himself to a sitting position and dropped a kiss on the top of her head. "Oh Kristina, I'm sorry he yelled at you. I'm sure he didn't mean it"

"Yes he did!" she insisted. "He tole me I was a stupidhead."

Closing his arms around her, he sighed sadly. "Aw, pumpkin, you aren't a stupidhead. And I'm sure he didn't mean it. Sometimes when people are scared - boys especially - they get mad at the people they love."

"Why?"

"Because they know the people who love them will forgive them when they feel better."

She pulled at her bottom lip as she contemplated his answer. "What should I do?" she finally asked.

"Be patient," he recommended.

Alexis pushed over the bedroom door and smiled at her daughter. "Come on Kristina, the bus will be here soon."

Kneeling up, she kissed Eric's cheek before scrambling off the bed. Eric moved to get up as well but stopped when Alexis fixed him with a look. "What?"

"You're still supposed to be resting so get back in bed."

Her tone was sharp and it did not go unnoticed by him. He watched her carefully as she ushered her daughter out of the room before flopping back against the pillows. He wanted to kick himself for how cavalier he had been with their relationship, with her feelings. He had been selfish and self centred and he needed to find a way to reassure her that he would not do it again. As he heard the bus pull away from and the screen door slam shut, he called out for her.

Alexis came in to the room. "Do you need something?"

He nodded. "You."

She exhaled slowly. "I'm going to do some paperwork this morning."

Holding her gaze, he shook his head. "No. You need to spend to spend the morning with me." He extended his hand to her and waited.

Alexis stared at his hand, unsure what to do. Once the adrenaline had worn off, she found that her worry had given way to anger and she was at a loss as to what to do with it. She was at war with herself, understanding why he did what he did but still resenting him for excluding her. She put her hand in his. "I don't have time to spend the morning with you" she told him.

"Yes you do" he countered as he drew her towards him. He gently pulled her on to the bed with him and wrapped her in his arms. "You and I need to spend some time together" he said as he placed several tiny kisses along her jaw. She was rigid in his arms but he would not be dissuaded; he stroked his hands along her back and nuzzled her neck."I'm sorry" he told her. "I'm sorry I hurt you, that I made you think I was running out on you. I love you Alexis and I don't want to be anywhere but with you."

His apology was in some ways as destabilizing as anything else. The men in her life did not have a great track record of apologizing, admitting fault or accepting any kind of responsiblity. She was so used to having it turned around on her that for several moments she said nothing, waiting for him to outline how it was her fault. When it didn't happen she buried her face against his neck, her hot tears landing on his neck.

"I'm sorry" he repeated.

She nodded against his shoulder. "I know and I don't want to be angry with you, it just.....I thought I had lost you."

He tipped her chin up towards him and gently kissed her. "You haven't. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." She melted against him as his hands burrowed under her blouse and trailed lightly against her soft skin. He placed a series of warm, wet kisses along cheek and down her neck.

"I love you" she told him earnestly.

Eric brushed his lips over hers. "And me, you" he reassured her. "I promise never to make you feel left out again."

As his hands slipped around to the front and he brushed his fingertips over her breasts, Alexis sucked in a breath. "The doctor said you're not to exert yourself for another week."

"I know" he pouted. "But kissing isn't exertion so I think you and I should spend the morning in bed making out."

Alexis chuckled lightly. "I haven't done that since I was a teenager."

"Well, vintage is all the rage."

Smiling, she ran her fingertip along his bottom lip. It was a never ending process to let go of the past and concentrate on what was right in front of you and she was finally, truly believing that she was done paying for past mistakes and deserved good things.

********  
Rifling through the pile of papers he had left behind in Robin's study, he was beginning to panic and think they were lost. He wouldn't have time to replace them if everything was going to keep to the schedule he had planned. Alan had been more than accommodating to grant them an extra few days off when Patrick laid out the reasons why they needed them. The Chief of Staff had been practically overcome with happiness when he had told him what he had planned. The hotel was booked, reservations were made and his plan was all thought through down to the smallest detail - he had even run it by Brenda, wondering if it was possible for him to go deaf from her long distance squealing. She had offered some advice and her assistance both of which he took her up on. He was just missing one piece and then they would be set.

He was only going to do this once. This was the only time in his life that he would ask someone to be his wife and he wanted it to be perfect. It didn't matter what the future held, he knew in his heart that he would never feel for another woman what he felt for Robin.

His frustration continued to mount as he went through drawers and still came up empty. He turned his eyes to the filing cabinet and inhaled sharply. If they weren't in here then he didn't know what he was going to do. He could buy new ones but it would throw the timing off of everything and as he told his father, he wasn't willing to wait any longer. As he pulled open the drawer, he laughed, remembering that his girlfriend was as anal as his father and it was likely he would find what he was looking for filed appropriately. His fingers ticked past the alphabetical files until it came to the one he was looking for. Pulling open the file, a broad grin spread across his face as he saw them sitting there. Retreiving them, he pulled his cell phone from his pocket and made the final phone call he needed to make to complete everything.

As Robin came through the door of the apartment, she paused; jazz was floating through the air, the racetrack was set up and as she sniffed the air,the familiar scent of Mr. Chang's wafted.

"Patrick?"

Emerging from the kitchen, he leaned against the doorframe and smiled. "Welcome home."

"What's all this?" she asked as she dropped her purse on the side table before making her way to him. She curled her fingers around his belt loop and standing on her tip toes, kissed him.

"Dinner, music and after dinner games" he replied, stealing another kiss.

"After dinner games?"

"Strip race cars"

"I see. Anything I can do to help?"

He shook his head. "I'm just about to put the food on the table, why don't you wash up?"

"Do you have any idea how hot it makes me when you're all domesticated?" she asked.

"Is there anything that doesn't make you hot these days?" he countered teasingly.

"No. Not really."

She disappeared down the hallway to wash her hands as Patrick laid out dinner. He carefully placed a fortune cookie on her plate before taking his seat and waiting. His hands were suddenly clammy and he ran them along his thighs as he took a deep breath.

Taking her seat, Robin spotted the fortune cookie on her plate and looked up. "Dessert before dinner?"

He nodded. "In order for you to properly enjoy your meal, you need to read your fortune first."

Giving him a curious look, she cracked open the cookie and pulled out the piece of paper._ Pack your bags_ it said on one side; flipping it over, she read the other, _we leave for Paris tomorrow_

"WHAT?" she squeaked.

Patrick reached into his back pocket and pulled out the plane tickets he had been so frantically searching for earlier, handing one to her. He had bought them back when he was sick and was trying to complete his list. They never got the chance to use them but with a call to the airline he was able to rebook.

"Tomorrow. Long weekend in Paris."

"But...but....I have work...."

He shook his head. "Everything is taken care of. We're off to the City of Lights and when we come back, we'll check off one more item from the list of memories we want to make together."

Exhaling slowly, she looked at the ticket. "What are you up to, Patrick Drake?"

He shrugged. "You're going to show me the city through your eyes and I'm going to show you who you are through mine."


	187. Chapter 194

**Chapter 194**

You are all I long for, all I worship and adore

Throwing open the hotel room windows Robin squealed in delight at the view. Across the street from the Louvre, their room overlooked the Seine and she could see people strolling the grand boulevards, hand in hand, soaking up the Parisian atmosphere. The city had been her home for almost a decade and she knew it well but even just staring out the window she realized the adage was true – Paris was a different city when you were in love.

As Patrick's arms encircled her, she melted against him closing her hands over his. She had been apprehensive about a last minute trip to Paris – worried about being off work, worried that Patrick was putting too much stress on himself – but the moment the plane took off, her concerns evaporated and she became giddy with anticipation. Her heart had started to race, just a little, as they exited the airport and the familiar smells of a city she loved came rushing back.

"I can't believe you booked this place," she said quietly. A soft wind was billowing through the window, leaving the curtains floating on the air.

"I was told the Quai Voltaire was one of the best kept secrets in Paris and that the views were unbeatable."

Cocking her head to the side, she gave him a curious look. "Funny, Brenda says the same thing."

"Oh," he stammered, "we must have read the same guidebook. So – where to we start the Robin Scorpio tour of Paris?"

"I don't know" she replied, honestly. "What….what do you want to see? I mean we can go the Louvre, Hôtel des Invalides-"

"I want to see where you lived" he interrupted. "I want you to show me some of the things you loved to do when you lived here."

Turning in his arms, she stared up at him. "Why?"

He brushed her hair from her face and nipped at her lips. "Because the time you spent in this city shaped a large part of the person you are. And I happen to love that person very much. Besides," he stopped to kiss her again. "You got quality time with all my embarrassing childhood photos at the Hamptons, you owe me."

She ran her hands over his hips and smiled teasingly at him. "I think I like owing you."

"I plan on collecting."

Glancing at her watch, she smiled. "Well if we're going to make our dinner reservations later tonight then we best get started. You ready?"

A smirk crossed his face. "Baby, I was born ready."

With an exaggerated roll of her eyes, Robin grabbed his hand. "That's not what I meant but it'll do."

******  
They stood outside the white building on rue St-Honoré and peered up at the eighth floor. Fresh flower baskets adorned every wrought iron balcony and most of the windows were open to take advantage of the mid-summer's breeze.

"That's quite an apartment" Patrick told her, his eyes glued to the balcony she had pointed out.

"I loved it," she told him wistfully. "It wasn't big – just a one bedroom – but I loved the view, the sounds from the street below, everything. I used to have a little lounge chair and a table and when I would get home from work, regardless of what time it was, I would sit outside and just soak it all in. I never wanted to take this city for granted."

"Would you like to live here again?" he asked, watching her from the corner of his eye.

She nodded. "Sure. It's an amazing city with a lot to offer but for the moment my home – our home – is in Port Charles and that's exactly where I want to be."

As Patrick's stomach rumbled loudly, he smiled sheepishly. Robin giggled and taking him again by the hand, led him down the street. "Sounds like it's time for lunch."

They crossed over and walked along the Seine with Robin pointing out different landmarks as they passed. As they walked through the Marché aux Fleurs, she pulled him to the side and they leaned against the stone railing. The aroma from the flowers was heady and soothing. There was an explosion of colour everywhere the eye could see with flowers of all shapes and sizes bursting forth from stalls and buckets.

"I used to come here to think" she said, watching as a young woman selected a simple but colourful bouquet. "Everything is so bright and when I was wrestling with a problem or feeling a little down, I would stroll over here, find a bench and just kind of get lost in the flowers."

"It's beautiful" he said quietly, watching her eyes dance.

"When….when Tony Jones called me and asked me to come consult on Jason's case, I was really torn. I mean, I think I was looking for a reason to come home but I wasn't sure I wanted that to be the reason. And so many memories – many unpleasant ones – kind of filled my head and I didn't know what to do. So I came here. It was late Fall and the flowers were fiery – oranges and reds. I must have sat here for almost 2 hours – one of the vendors brought me a red gerber daisy – and somewhere in there I realized it was time for me to go home – for better or for worse."

Sliding his arms around her waist, he tugged her to him and fastened his mouth over hers in a slow, languid kiss; their tongues tangled around each other as they deepened the kiss.

"Am I ever glad you did come back" he said quietly, gazing lovingly into her eyes. "I can't imagine what my life would be like without having met you."

"Oh come on" she teased, "there are nurses and waitresses and investment bankers all over Manhattan who would have kept you occupied."

He shook his head. "Occupied but not loved. I can't….I can't imagine going through my life and not experiencing this. I know I always dismissed it but I think….I wonder sometimes if I did that because I didn't think it would ever happen for me?"

Stealing a kiss, Robin smiled. "Well I'm glad I came back too."

They continued their stroll over the bridge turning on to rue de Rivoli. Robin brought them to a stop outside a spectacular building. "Are you ready to be spoiled?" she asked.

He waggled his eyebrows. "What exactly did you have in mind Doctor Scorpio?" he asked as he pulled open the door.

"This is Angélina's. And this was the place my friends and I would come for a treat – and trust me we would find any reason for a treat."

Standing in the entrance of the grand tea room, Patrick marvelled at the high ceilings, the arched doorways and the Queen Anne chairs that encircled every marble table. The place was abuzz with some of the finest dressed women of Paris partaking in a daily ritual mixed together with tourists from near and far looking for that special Parisian experience.

The Host showed them to their table, dead centre in the middle of all the action and even managed a smile as Robin spoke to him in flawless French. He placed the menus in front of them but no sooner was he gone than she snatched it from his hands.

"You can look at the menu or you can trust me to order for you" she told him playfully.

"I trust you" he grinned.

The waiter returned and took Robin's order, murmuring his approval as he did so. As they waited for their food, she explained the history of the tea room and how one of her colleagues, a kind older nurse had taken her here after work on her first shift. She said that people often considered Parisians rude but it hadn't been her experience, in fact, some of the kindest most compassionate people were people she met here.

Patrick's eyes widened as the waiter returned, placing two teapots in front of them. He followed with two small bowls of freshly whipped cream and two pastries sprinkled with icing sugar.

"Wow," he remarked, practically salivating.

"This is African hot chocolate" she told him. "And yes, I know it's normally a winter drink but you can't come to Angélina's and not have it."

"What's this?" he asked excitedly, holding up the pastry.

"That is a Mont Blanc and it is a slice of heaven. It's chestnut crème covered in meringue and icing sugar. It's like an orgasm in your mouth."

"Oh. Is that how you became so talented with your mouth?" he teased.

Blushing, she simply shook her head. "Leave it to you to turn a delicacy into something sexual."

With an unapologetic grin on his face, he shrugged. "What I was talking about is a delicacy too"

"Incorrigible," she muttered, before taking a bite of her pastry; her eyes nearly rolling to the back of her head as she did so.

Patrick followed suit and was unable to keep from moaning as the crème melted in his mouth.

They spent almost two hours in the tea room – observing others, talking about Robin's past and their future. He joked that if they had a girl he would insist on her being called Angelina. They held hands across the table and as his fingers curled around hers, she realized that she had never been happier in her life. There was a pace to Paris – slow but not meandering – that allowed for introspection, observation and contemplation. It was one of the things she missed living in Port Charles but to be back and to be able to share it with the man she loved – to have him want to share it with her – it was a feeling unlike any she had ever known.

They strolled back to the hotel for a late afternoon nap before dinner. While they had yet to see any of the traditional tourists sites, Patrick wouldn't have traded a single moment of the day for anything.

*****  
As Robin emerged from the bathroom, Patrick caught his breath. Her rich brown hair tumbled down, almost to her shoulders, in loose, wavy curls. She wore a strapless, silk charmeuse cocktail dress; its ruched bodice hugged all of her curves and highlighted her baby bump. He was sure he had never seen a more beautiful sight in his life.

"You look amazing" he whispered, getting to his feet. Cupping her face with his hands, he kissed her tenderly.

Robin drank him in, his dark grey suit sitting perfectly against his shoulders. His hair was ruffled and messy and the flecks of grey smattered throughout made him look distinguished but playful at the same time.

"You clean up pretty nicely yourself" she told him, pursuing her lips in search of another kiss that he obliged. "And now that we're all dressed up, are you going to tell me where we're going for dinner?"

"Le Grand Véfour" he answered breezily, enjoying her shocked gasp.

"Patrick! That restaurant takes _ages_ to get a reservation to. How on earth did you manage it so quickly?"

"A magician never reveals his secrets" he teased, picking up her wrap and handing it to her. It was going to be quite the thank you card he sent to Brenda. "Ready?"

Nodding, she grabbed her purse and linked her arm through his as they left the hotel room.

The restaurant was an almost overwhelming experience – its early 19th century décor with large mirrors in gilded frames and rich tapestry gave an air of near other worldly decadence. Robin had heard of the restaurant and walked by it many times but had never, before tonight, had an opportunity to be a guest. She excitedly read the menu, her 'oohs' and 'aahs' providing no end of amusement to him. He loved to see her be free and unguarded. He understood better than most why she was so protective of herself but when she let herself go, when she allowed herself to just be, it was the most amazing sight in the world.

The food was an homage to the very best of French cuisine; they were practically luxuriating in goodness of their meal. Conversation stopped and started as they shared dishes, fed each other and lost themselves completely in the moment with each other.

Patrick shook his head in amused disbelief as Robin pouted when he said they wouldn't stay for dessert. Offering a compromise, he suggested they talk a walk around to enjoy the city at night and then once back at their room, they would order room service dessert. She took her time contemplating his offer – weighing the pros and cons – and making him chuckle in the process. Finally acquiescing, they left the restaurant and headed outside.

Busy still raving about the food, it took Robin several moments before she even clued in to the fact that the bench they were sitting on was at the foot of the Eiffel Tower. Once she did, she snuggled up against Patrick's arm and stared up at the illuminated tower. She had been up it more times than she cared to count and while the view was always breathtaking, there was something equally special about taking it in from the ground.

"What's that building over there?" Patrick asked, pointing to the other side of the tower.

The gold statues glinted in the moonlight and she recognized it immediately. "Musée de l'Homme – the Museum of Man" she told him.

"Interesting" he replied distractedly.

It had been all planned and had all gone according to plan but now, in the moment, he felt incredibly nervous. His stomach did a small pitch and roll and his hands were just a little clammy. Taking a deep breath, he seized the moment.

"I have never known anyone like you in my life" he began. "I….I wasn't expecting to fall in love and yet I did. I guess John Lennon was right, that life is what happens when you're busy making other plans because while I was planning to be the top neurosurgeon in the country and set the medical world on fire, you happened. You expanded my life Robin. Before you it was narrow and carefully defined and I convinced myself it was all I needed but I think that's because I was afraid there wasn't more for me to have. But you showed me that there is; you showed me, just as my mom says – love is not the answer to everything but every solution begins with it. I think you are quite simply the most amazing woman I know. I love you like mad but I also….I also like you. Spending time with you in any capacity – in the OR, at dinner, in bed," he paused, "makes me happy. You have given me so much – your love, your support, your passion and your courage. I was wondering if you could give me one more thing?"

Robin's eyes shimmered with tears and tilting her head to the side, she smiled nervously. "What's that?"

"Your hand in marriage" Patrick reached into his pocket and pulled out the ring box he had been carrying all night long. He opened it and the sapphire gleamed in the moonlight.

"Robin, will you marry me?"


	188. Chapter 195

**Chapter 195**

Fill my heart with song and let me sing forevermore 

"Robin, will you marry me?"

In that moment it was as though time stood still; everything – the stars, the moon, the lights on the tower – everything seemed brighter and more alive than ever before. As she looked from the ring to his eyes she was almost overpowered by the love she found there. It had been a long, sometimes difficult road that she had been travelling on – not just in her relationship with Patrick – and now it seemed as if she had arrived at her destination. There was not even a quiver of doubt in her mind or in her heart. She uselessly blinked away several happy tears and smiled.

"Yes. Yes I will marry you."

Unaware of the breath he had been holding, Patrick blew out his cheeks and with a steady hand removed the ring from its velvet nest and placed it on her finger. The sapphire shimmered and sparkled against her golden skin and as she looked it, sitting so perfectly on her finger, her heart began to drum joyfully inside her chest.

"Patrick" she sighed happily.

With infinite tenderness he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her with a quiet passion. His tongue sought and was immediately granted entrance to her mouth and as it darted inside the velvety softness of her mouth, it caressed hers, producing a soft moan from the back of her throat. Their mouths remained fused until the need to draw breath pulled them apart.

Patrick kept her face in his hands as he leaned his forehead against hers. "I love you" he whispered.

"I love you," she replied, moving closer to him.

Her mind was swirling as though the doors to a thousand other worlds had suddenly been opened but she was unable to process any thoughts, save one. She was at peace. For the first time in her life she finally understood what it meant to have peace and she was imbued in a warmth that was equal parts strange yet familiar.

Closing his arms around her, he brushed his lips against her forehead, her cheek, her neck and then her mouth. His fingers trailed lightly against her skin. He was almost too overwhelmed with happiness to speak.

Robin looked at her ring again and then met his gaze. "You promised me dessert" she said softly.

Quirking up an eyebrow, he shook his head. "You're thinking of food?"

"No," she replied slyly. "I'm thinking of dessert – you specifically – and I think we need to get back to our hotel room."

A wide grin spread across his face as he bussed her lips. "Whatever my fiancée wants, she will have."

"Say it again"

"Whatever-"

"No, not that part. The part where you called me your fiancée."

"My fiancée," he repeated. "My beautiful, gorgeous, amazing, sexy fiancée."

Robin got to her feet, extending her hand to him. "Let's go celebrate."

Patrick took her hand and then pulled her to him. Picking her up, he spun them both around in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower. Robin squealed with delight as Patrick yelled at the top of his lungs.

"SHE SAID YES!!!"

The busy crowd of tourists and locals all burst into applause and as Patrick set her back on her feet again, he kissed her with unbridled love.

The ten minute walk back to the hotel was considerably lengthened by them stopping every few feet to kiss. By the time they piled into the elevator, their lips were already swollen and buzzing from the near non-stop contact.

It took Patrick three tries to open the door as Robin's incessant touching distracted him from the task at hand. They were no sooner in the room than she pressed him up against the door, her hands sliding under his suit jacket and pushing it from his shoulders. Grabbing hold of his tie, she pulled him to her, fusing her mouth to his. Leaning back to end the kiss, she quickly undid the tie and let it drop to the floor. Taking his hand, she led him to the bed and gently pushed him down to the mattress before standing out of arms' reach.

Patrick looked at her, his eyes hazy with desire and love and the corners of his mouth tugged upwards in a smile as she reached behind her and pulled down the zipper of her dress. Shimmying her hips from side to side, she let the silk dress slid down her body before it pooled around her ankles. Clad only in a red lace bra, matching thong and her black stiletto heels, she rubbed her hands over her breasts as she stared at him.

"Are you sure you want me for ever and ever?" she asked.

Patrick licked his lips as he drank in her every curve and felt his body respond in kind. He nodded as he undid his shirt. "I'd actually like you for longer," he practically growled, "but forever and ever will have to do."

As Patrick rose to his feet, Robin stepped away from him and towards the windows. She pulled them open, sending the curtains billowing in the night breeze. Turning back to face him, she smiled seductively as she crooked her finger, calling him over. Never breaking her gaze, he walked to her, bracing his hands on either side of her against the window sill, effectively trapping her.

Almost in suspended animation, they stared wordlessly at each other; Robin nibbled on her bottom lip as Patrick dipped his head and kissed first the left corner of her mouth, then the right before finally closing his mouth over hers. Her hands looped around his neck as their bodies pressed together against the Parisian backdrop.

Pulling away from the kiss, Patrick slowly, teasingly kissed his way down the length of her neck. He dragged his tongue along the length of her collar bone before burying his face between her breasts and breathing in her heady scent.

Robin's legs shook and Patrick slipped a hand around her waist to keep her upright as he pulled her hardened nipple into his mouth through her bra. She shivered and moaned softly, her fingers threading through his hair. He moved to the other side, repeating the same action before unclasping her bra and letting it fall away from her body. He kneaded her breasts, covering her chest in soft, electrifying kisses.

She pushed her hips against his, smiling as she felt his arousal push back. Her hands swept across his chest, grazing his nipples and he groaned in response. Robin let her hand dip between them, cupping him through his pants, as he continued to flick her nipple with his tongue. His hand mimicked hers and she pushed hard against his hand as he dragged his finger along her panties.

Raising his head, he captured her mouth in a hot, wanton kiss while her hands flew to his belt in a frenzied attempt to free him from the confines of his pants. Stepping back, he allowed her to finish undressing him and after kicking his pants clear of his feet, he sank to his knees before her and kissed the outline of her red, lace panties. Spreading her legs wider to give him greater access, she closed her eyes and moaned as tongue pushed the lacy material inside. He curled his fingers through the waistband and slowly peeled them from her body.

Rearing back on his heels but still holding on to her hips, he smiled lovingly as he looked up at her. "You are quite simply the most beautiful woman I have ever known." He swept a hand across her ever-growing stomach and sighed. "And sexy too."

"I love you" she panted breathlessly.

Patrick grabbed hold of his pants, rifling through the pockets for his wallet; as he did so, Robin closed her hand around his length and began to stroke him at a lazy pace. One shuddering breath after another left his mouth and he stopped what he was doing as the sensation momentarily overtook him. Finally finding his wallet, he retrieved their protection and pressed it into her hand.

Robin tore open the small packet and stroked him several more times before finally sheathing him. He looped an arm around her waist and turned her so that she was facing out the window; she gasped as he entered her, his hips lying still against hers for a moment.

"Look at this city Robin," he whispered in her ear. "Its beauty, its grandeur, it's our city" She inhaled sharply as his voice sent a shiver through her body.

Breathless, wordless sounds filled the room and were carried out the window by the breeze as he thrust deeply inside her. Her hand groped behind her to touch him, any part of his hot skin as their bodies move together in perfect unison. The lights of the city twinkled and flickered before her eyes as they built urgently, feverishly to their climax. Their bodies recognized each other and in a wordless conversation there was a call and answer between them.

His breath drifted over her neck and shoulders as their hips undulated. Robin gripped the railing, desperate to stay upright. Just as she thought she could not handle one more moment of bliss, she felt herself let go and tumble down the other side, Patrick's name tearing from her lips as she did so. He followed closely behind, burying his cry in her shoulder as he bit down on her skin as he came.

Weak-kneed and exhausted, Robin slumped against the railing. She couldn't imagine where he found the strength but she was unable to form even the smallest protest as he scooped her up and carried her to the bed. He laid her down gently and climbed in with her, enveloping her in his arms. He kissed her forehead and her cheeks before placing several small kisses against her lips.

"You okay, my soon to be wife?" he asked softly.

"Mmm" she replied, burrowing closer to him. "I am perfect." Looking up she smiled tiredly. "We are perfect."


	189. Chapter 196

**Chapter 196**

Love is your mouth that's holding my breath

"Do you have our list?" Robin asked.

"Pardon?"

"Our list? Do you have it with you?"

With a small shrug, he reached into his pocket and retrieving his wallet pulled out the carefully folded list and handed it to Robin. They had been back from Paris for less than 24 hours and were waiting patiently at the Metrocourt restaurant for Mac and Noah to join them for lunch so they could share their news.

Having spread the paper on the table, she placed a checkmark beside _See Paris through her eyes _and then started writing.

"Are you adding to the list?" he asked as he peered over her shoulder.

"Damn straight" she smiled. She blocked his view with her hand as she wrote, snickering as he pouted. Having finished writing, she passed the list back to him.

A smile spread slowly across his face as he read her additions.

_Get married_

Have a spectacular wedding night

Expand our family

"You haven't even given birth to our first child" he teased, touching her belly, "and you're already working on baby number two? What if labour is awful?"

"If? IF?" she countered with a grin. "Patrick, I think we both need to accept that it will be awful but with enough time and presents from you, I'll get over it and will be happy to repeat it all again if it means that I can have another child with you."

Leaning across his chair, he cupped the side of her face and kissed her softly.

"Really?" Mac groaned as he approached the table. "You have to do that in public? In front of me?"

Noah chuckled. "Just be grateful that's all they do in public"

The young couple looked up and smiled unapologetically. "That you know of" Robin teased.

Gasping in mock horror as he took his seat, Mac shook his head. "It's not too late for me to lock you up in your bedroom you know."

Her brown eyes twinkled as she grinned. "In fact, it is." Extending her left, she showed off the sparkling blue sapphire. "Because I'm getting married."

Mac's eyes welled with tears as he sprang to his feet and wrapped her in his arms. "Oh sweetheart" he said against her ear. "I am so happy for you."

Noah smiled proudly at his son. "You done good."

Patrick nodded. "I done more than good. Look at her," he jerked his head in her direction.

Having reluctantly let go of his niece, he clapped Patrick on the back. "Congratulations."

"Thanks. Is this where you threaten to kill me?"

Laughing, he shook his head. "Haven't I already done that?"

"Yes."

"Then I don't think another warning is necessary, do you?"

"No sir."

"Patrick, I think you are going to be a great husband for Robin. I have never known her as happy as she is when she's with you."

"It's a two way street" he smiled shyly, looking at his fiancée. "I've never been as happy as I am when I'm with her."

"I can attest to that," Noah added, hugging Robin. "Welcome to the family" he told her as he kissed her cheek.

The four of them toasted with gingerale and the two men listened with interest as they recounted the story of the engagement. Mac admired the ring and asked Patrick where he bought it. Robin's jaw fell open when he quietly admitted to having bought it in Rome. She had no opportunity to pursue it further as her uncle started asking about the house and when they expected to move in.

"And have you set a wedding date?" Noah asked, tucking into his salad.

Robin shook her head. "Not until after the baby is born. I don't want our wedding pictures to feature me looking as big as a house."

"First of all," Patrick interjected, "you aren't as a big as a house. Second of all, you're gorgeous."

Mac turned to Noah and whispered loudly, "He's good."

Noah agreed. "It's genetic."

Robin rolled her eyes in mock irritation. "We can actually hear you, you know."

"And that's what makes it fun for us" Noah replied.

"Seriously, are you two going to be like this right up until the wedding?"

"Maybe longer" Mac said. "Depends on how much fun we have."

"Oh brother" Patrick sighed. Leaning over, he gave Robin a pleading look. "Please tell me we can put them on a strict visitation schedule with our child? Limit the damage as it were."

"We may have to take that under consideration," she nodded seriously. "Strong consideration."

"Oh shut up and show me your ring again," Mac replied as he took her hand.

Leaning back in his chair, Noah surveyed the scene and smiled to himself. Both he and Mac had raised children who insisted on taking the long way around but knew how to arrive in style. His son had never looked more peaceful and his soon to be daughter-in-law more joyful. The circle was almost complete.

*****  
Rocking back and forth in the chair as he stared out the window of what was going to be the nursery, Patrick's thoughts drifted to his mother. It had been a busy week since their return from Paris – sharing their news with their friends and finally moving into their house. But now with a little quiet time to himself he was aware of a missing piece.

The letter his mother had written to him on becoming a parent had been a source of unexpected comfort but at the same time a reminder of what he had lost. It had been easy to just kind of go along with life never worrying about the milestones – it meant he didn't have to worry about who would or wouldn't be there to celebrate them with him.

He smiled somewhat sadly as he remembered that evening on the hospital roof just a few days after he had been exposed to HIV in the OR. He had wanted his mom there too but for different reasons. Then he wanted her comfort and reassurances, now he wanted her to see what he had achieved – despite his best efforts to sabotage himself, he had fallen in love with an extraordinary woman and they were going to have a family. He hoped she would be proud of the choices he had made and of the man he was finally becoming.

Thinking about the loss of his own mother as a teenager gave way to the dark thoughts he tried to push far from his mind. It was always there, like a ticking clock, the reminder that his child – their child or even their children – would very likely lose their mother long before they would be ready. He smirked mirthlessly and shook his head, as if loss of a parent was ever something a person could be ready for. Robin's life and her death would inevitably change them and he wondered – and worried – if he would be able to guide them through it. He was confident that he would not make the choices his father did but not diving in to a bottle didn't mean he would be able to give them what they needed.

Giving his head another shake, he tried to rid his mind of those thoughts on concentrate on what lay before him. They were two months from the arrival of their child, they were engaged, and they were living in a house they were slowly transforming into a home. He was also ready to start running his own surgeries again. His world had expanded and stretched and he was ridiculously happy.

"You're deep in thought" Robin said, standing in the doorway.

Turning his head towards her, he smiled. "Just picturing what this room is going to be like in a couple of months."

Crossing the floor, she eased herself onto his lap and curled her fingers through the fine wisps of hair lying at the nape of his neck. "It was awfully nice of your dad to send us the rocking chair your mom used."

With one hand on her belly, he slowly rocked them back and forth. "It's a good chair" he observed. Reaching up, he brushed his lips over hers.

"So….I have a question for you" she started somewhat tentatively.

"You already know the answer to what's my favourite position," he teased. "Inside you."

Her cheeks flushed deeply and she playfully slapped his chest. "You are _awful_"

"Guilty," he replied in a sing song voice. "What's your question.?"

Staring down at her left hand, admiring the ring, she smiled. "You really bought this ring in Rome?"

It was Patrick's turn to flush. "Yes" he admitted softly. "The day that Brenda sent you to the spa, we went ring shopping."

"You really knew then?"

He shook his head. "I knew way before then. I don't know the exact moment the light bulb went off but I do remember looking at you and picturing a future. When I….when I woke up from surgery – despite the memory loss – I still knew. Robin, I have never been as sure of anything in my life as I am and have been about wanting to marry you."

Dipping her head, she kissed him, running her tongue along the seam of his lips. "I've wanted to marry you for a long time too," she admitted. "But as you know, I had a few issues. Patrick – everything changed for me that night in the cabin – the first night we made love. And I was lying to myself then that anything with you could ever be casual. I am just – I am grateful that you waited."

"Not patiently," he corrected. "I waited but I was impatient. I'm just so proud of the leap of faith you took."

"That we both took" she corrected.

A broad grin formed on his face and sliding his hand around the back of her head, he gently pulled her to him. "Come here" he whispered before fastening his mouth over hers.

As they kissed, Robin's hands went in search of the hem of his t-shirt and grabbing hold, tugged the soft cotton upwards, separating only long enough to pull it over his head and toss it to the ground.

"Undressing me again Scorpio?" he queried breathlessly.

A small seductive grin appeared on her face. "It's the hormones. And it's bad luck not to give a pregnant woman what she wants."

"Oh?" The amusement was evident in his voice. "And what exactly is it you want?"

"You" she stated boldly. "In your favourite position." Feeling his body twitch underneath her, she slid from his lap and got to her feet. "Get up" she ordered.

Patrick grinned as he slowly rose from the chair. "You're bossy, I like it."

Her fingers fumbled with his belt and the button on his jeans. Finally succeeding, she grabbed hold of the waist band and yanked them down his legs, letting him step out of them.

"Here?"

Robin nodded as she reached into her bra and retrieved a condom. "I told you, we have rooms to christen."

Patrick stepped forward and enclosing her in his arms kissed her nearly senseless. Their tongues tangled together as his hands slid down her back and slowly cupped her behind. Tunnelling under her dress, he ran his hands over her soft skin; moaning, Robin started to frantically pull at her dress, suddenly craving skin on skin contact. Withdrawing his hands, Patrick stilled hers and then in one motion pulled her dress away.

"No undergarments at all," he observed, his voice thickening as he drank her in. "Naughty girl."

She gently pushed him back to the rocking chair with a feline smile. "Let me show you just how naughty I can be."

His eyes grew hazy with lust as he sat down and shocks ran through his body as she kneeled between his legs and kissed her way up one thigh and down the other. His body responded to every touch, every lick, every taste and his breathing became ragged as she dragged her tongue along the underside of his arousal.

"Fuck" he hissed.

"Yes, we will" she replied, looking up at him from underneath her eyelashes.

Tearing open the condom, she sheathed him slowly, teasing him along the way and enjoying the twitches and tremors he was responding with. Getting to her feet and placing her hands on his shoulders for balance, she carefully threaded her legs through the sides of the rocking chair before slowly, agonizingly sinking down on him.

Patrick moaned as their bodies made contact and he feverishly kissed her – her mouth, her cheeks, her neck. His hands flew to her breasts, larger every day, and he weighed them in his hands as his thumbs teased at her nipples. He pressed his face to the valley between her breasts, his tongue working the sensitive skin in tiny, precise circles.

Robin threw her head back in ecstasy as they continued to rock back and forth – the chair matching the movement of their hips. She tangled her fingers in his hair, holding his head to her breasts as he laved them with his tongue.

Strained gasps emanated from the back of Patrick's throat as their movement picked up. The rocking sensation threatened to push him over the edge before he was ready. His hands travelled her body, kneading her bottom and eliciting a loud moan from her.

The rocking rhythm gathered speed and momentum. As he dipped a hand between them and urgently stroked the bundle of nerves at the apex of her thighs, Robin dropped her head to his shoulder, biting down as her release took hold. He continued to thrust against her until his climax washed over him, leaving him breathless.

The chair stilled as they collapsed against each other, gasping for breath.

"How…how many rooms left?" he asked.

Raising her head and pushing her bangs from her face, Robin smiled sleepily. "At least five more."

He brushed his lips over hers. "That works for me."


	190. Chapter 197

**Chapter 197**

I'm steady as rain, nothing ever changes in my heart.

"I can't believe they banished us," Alexis said as she carried two steaming mugs of tea to the table.

"I know!" Robin agreed. "I think they're just afraid we're going to see how colossally bad they are at assembling furniture and that we would laugh at them."

"We would never laugh at them," Alexis remarked.

Robin shook her head. "No, we wouldn't. We would point AND laugh."

"Exactly!"

Both women dissolved into a fit of giggles as they sat around the kitchen table. Patrick had asked for Eric's assistance to assemble the crib and change table in the nursery but insisted that Robin not watch. All offers of help or guidance from the two women were summarily rejected and so they retreated to the safety of the kitchen to wait for an invitation to see the finished product.

Robin looked at the pile of bridal magazines that Brenda had sent from Rome and took a deep breath. She had been engaged less than two weeks and already was being inundated with wedding suggestions from friends and colleagues.

"I'm tempted to tell Patrick we should elope in Vegas."

Alexis smiled. "And deny Brenda the opportunity to stage the wedding of the century? You're a brave one."

Nodding, Robin took a sip from her mug. "That's what I'm afraid of – I don't want the wedding of the century. I want the wedding to be meaningful and special. We've worked really hard to get here and what we have with each other is so incredibly exceptional that I don't want that to get lost in the hoopla of doves being released, balloon arches or a train that rivals Princess Diana's in length."

"Then I think that's what you tell people" she urged. "The day belongs to you and Patrick and it should be the day you want, not the day that every one else wants you to have."

"See – you're rational about this, what's wrong with everyone else? Maxie called and asked what kind of bachelorette party I wanted and how many strippers she should hire."

"Ewww," she replied, crinkling her nose.

"Exactly. This is why Vegas seems like a good option."

"You'd hate Vegas. You want the pretty white dress and you want the party, you just want it on your terms and there's nothing wrong with that."

Laughing, she nodded her head. "You're a good friend."

Noticing Robin rubbing her belly, Alexis smiled. "How is Lamaze class going?"

"Well, I take it as a good sign that after two birthing films, Patrick still hasn't passed out."

"He's going to be a great coach."

"He really is," she agreed softly. "I'm incredibly blessed Alexis."

They had run through, with Kelly, all the options available to them for labour and delivery and Patrick told her no matter what she wanted to do, he would support her. She had weighed the possibilities between a c-section and natural childbirth and while she was fully aware that vaginal delivery was the standard for someone with her profile, there was a small part of her that still worried. Lying in bed one night, wrapped in each other's arms, they had talked it through and Robin admitted that she wanted the opportunity to deliver her baby – she wanted to experience all of it – for better or for worse. The decision made, they immediately signed up for Lamaze classes.

She was amused at how seriously Patrick was taking the classes. He came to every class with a list of new questions and nearly drove the instructor to the point of exasperation with his need for explanations. Recognizing what was driving him, Robin reassured him there was simply no way he could fail her or their child and once she did so, he seemed to relax a little.

"This little one is going to be here before we know it."

"Have you picked out names?"

"Yes," she smiled happily. "We have a boy's name and a girl's name so I think we're ready."

"Any chance I can get a hint?" she asked teasingly.

Robin shook her head. "Not a chance. Patrick and I promised we wouldn't share with anyone until after the baby is born." Taking another drink of her tea, she cast a curious glance at her friend. "Speaking of sharing, how are things with Eric?"

The smile on Alexis' face was unmistakable. "Really good."

"You seem….peaceful," she observed. "Or at least as peaceful as you can get."

Knowing it was true, Alexis laughed. "While no one will ever accuse me of being serene, I am pretty happy. I've never…I've never been with someone who owns their crap the way he does – good or bad – and that has changed me, for the better I think."

Raising her mug, she clinked it against Alexis'. "Here's to us finding the men we deserve."

****  
"Did you throw the instructions out?" Eric asked, looking at the crib pieces spread all over the floor.

"We don't need instructions," he replied confidently. "God Smitty, we're neurosurgeons! We put the brain back together."

"We do," he agreed. "Though I've never put a crib together and I was thinking some instructions would have been helpful."

"Smartass" he muttered, reaching for the screwdriver.

"Not just my ass that's smart," he shot back.

"You must be feeling better if you're snarking. How are things with Alexis?"

Grabbing hold of the railing and propping it up, Eric smiled. "Really good."

"Heard from Karen lately?" The murderous tone in his voice did not go unnoticed by his friend.

"Nope, not a peep and it would seem in all the chaos I've lost her address and phone number."

Casting a sly look in his friend's direction, he gave him a small smile. "Good."

"So, uh, listen…..I…..I'm going to ask her to marry me."

The screwdriver clanged against the hardwood as it slipped from Patrick's hand. "Alexis?"

"No, Karen," he deadpanned. "Are we sure you don't have a concussion?"

Sitting back on his heels, Patrick looked at Eric carefully. "Are you sure?"

"Patrick, I have never been as sure of anything in my life."

"I'm happy for you," he told him sincerely. "Really happy for you."

"Thanks," he replied, the apples of his cheek flushing slightly. "I wanted to get you a card that said 'thanks for having a meningioma and for being such an ass about it that you forced me to treat you otherwise I never would have met the woman I've fallen in love with' but apparently Hallmark doesn't make those, so I'll just say thanks."

With an exaggerated sigh, he rolled his eyes. "So long as you were able to benefit from my life threatening illness then it was all worthwhile."

Eric picked up a small baby pillow and chucked it at his head. "Now are we going to get this built, or what?"

Holding out his hand, Patrick called for the screw. "When are you going to ask her?"

"Tonight"

"Do you have a ring?"

Eric groaned. "Am I supposed to? I thought I could just give her my class pin."

"Jerk" Patrick shot back as they assembled the second railing.

"Asshole"

"Yeah, well, I'm Robin's asshole and that's all that matters."

"Are you going to continue to wax poetically on your love life or are we building this?" he laughed.

The two men worked side by side and after a few false starts finally managed to assemble the crib and the change table. They placed them in the room as Robin had suggested and then stood back to admire their work. For Patrick, the complete nursery seemed like one final confirmation that his life was moving in the direction it was meant to be going in. It was not lost on him, how close he came to never having this moment, or any of these moments. He looked to Eric and smiled; his friend had been his one constant in his life for so long and played a large role in getting him to where he was.

"Hey Eric?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks"

Eric furrowed his brow. "It was just a crib and a change table"

Patrick shook his head. "For everything. For being my friend even when I made it hard and for saving my life."

Looking at his friend, Eric gave him an appreciative smile. "You've done the same for me and you're welcome."

"Awww," Robin called from the doorway, "look Alexis, they're having a moment."

"I've heard those pregnancy hormones can be catching."

The two men turned and glared at their respective partners as the women laughed loudly. Robin crossed the room, sliding her arms around Patrick's waist and hugging him tightly.

"This really feels like home," she beamed. "We're home."

****  
Curled on the couch, wrapped in Eric's arms, Alexis moaned as he softly kissed her neck. He whispered tiny kisses over her ear and down to her shoulder.

"You're not even watching the movie" she chided him breathlessly.

Undeterred, he continued to kiss her. "Trust me, what I'm doing is soooo much better than the movie."

Tilting her head to the side, Alexis melted further against him, awash in his affections. "You're very distracting."

"I don't know," he replied teasingly. "You're the one who keeps telling me what a superior multitasker you are, are you saying you can't concentrate on two things at once."

"I hate you" she moaned. She turned to focus her attention fully on him but her efforts were distracted by the microwave dinging from the kitchen.

"Popcorn's ready," Eric said, getting quickly to his feet, leaving a frustrated Alexis in his wake.

Returning from the kitchen with a large bowl in hand, he settled in behind her before putting the bowl on her lap. Alexis blindly reached for her favourite snack, stopping only when her hand landed on something that bore no resemblance to popcorn. Looking down, she started to tremble as she saw a black velvet box sitting on top of a bed of popcorn.

Turning her head slowly, she looked at her boyfriend. "Wh-what is that?" she asked.

Grinning, he shrugged. "I'm no genius, I mean I'm only a neurosurgeon but I'm pretty sure they call it a box."

"Eric-"

Nuzzling her neck, he whispered against her ear, "Open it."

With tremulous hands she pried the box open and gasped loudly at the oval cut ruby set against a platinum band; there was no mistaking what the ring was. Turning in her seat, she faced him, holding the box in her hands.

"This looks like a ring and it's a beautiful ring but I'm not sure that you should feel like you have to give this to me, I mean this is a big step or at least I think it's a big step. I suppose I should let you tell me what the ring is before I assume anything because I'm assuming it's something and it could just be something else and then I'm going to feel foolish – well more foolish than I already feel which when you consider that in the grand scheme of things, it's hard to imagine me feeling more foolish but I think I'm getting there and well-"

Amused, Eric leaned in and silenced her with a kiss. "Breathe" he told her against her mouth. "And then breathe again."

Alexis took one ragged breath after another, her eyes locked on his and she waited.

Seeing her quiet and somewhat calmer, he began. "Alexis, I have spent a lot of time lately focused on what I don't have and what I have lost and that has blocked my view of what I do have. And what I have is you – which is a gift greater than I could have imagined. Your total acceptance of me and everything I come with has been the most amazing thing to happen to me. I love you. I love you with everything I have and I want to be family with you. I want to grow old with you. I want to simple and sexy and blissfully happy with you."

"Eric," she said, an air of disbelief in her tone, "what are you saying?"

"I'm saying when I think of my life, I think of you and how much better it is with you in it. I think of falling asleep with you in my arms and waking up the same way – I think of building a future with you. What I'm saying – what I'm asking is – will you marry me?"

Large, happy tears tumbled down her cheeks. She had not needed a marriage proposal – she was confident in their relationship but to hear him declare his love so freely – in a way no other man in her life had ever done – filled her heart to the brim. Swiping at her tears, she nodded.

"Yes. Yes, I will marry you."


	191. Chapter 198

**Chapter 198**

I'll look after you

The news had been like a punch to the gut. Or a vice grip around her lungs. Either way it had left her breathless. As she sat on the couch staring out the patio door, she replayed the conversation over and over again in her mind hoping against hope that somehow, some way, it would change. But it didn't. It had been four hours and every time she was sure there wasn't a tear left to spill a new batch would rush down her face.

It wasn't as though she hadn't been here before – she had. But it had been so long and in some ways she had become complacent. What had been commonplace for such a long time had receded back into the shadows and was now a rarity. Or at least she believed it a rarity, which meant she hadn't been paying attention.

People spent hundreds – thousands – of dollars going to fortune tellers and psychics for a glimpse, however fleeting, of the future. So many were dying of curiosity as to what was next, what would everything look like down the road but not her. She didn't need someone to tell her what the future held, she already knew and today she got another reminder.

She rubbed her belly – their baby was kicking up a storm – trying to draw comfort from it but it some ways – in many ways – it made it worse, so much worse. Most people looked to the future with unbridled optimism and excitement and she often did too but she learned long ago that optimism and excitement needed to be tempered with reality. It was a lesson she had lost sight of but it had all come crashing back on her and it was threatening to suffocate her. She had picked up the phone to call Patrick but never completed the call; she thought of Brenda or Mac or Alexis but just closed her phone instead. It was all so crushing she wasn't sure she was ready to put it into words – to say it out loud; which was stupid, she knew that. Not saying something doesn't make it less true. Not saying something doesn't mean it isn't happening. Not saying something was just swallowing down the fear because it was less painful than speaking it.

She swiped furiously at the fresh gush of tears that were tumbling down her cheeks. She hated to cry, it felt like such a useless and unproductive activity. Crying never changed anything. All the tears she spilled when she believed her parents were dead didn't change anything. The tears over Stone and over Jason did nothing to alter what happened. And the tears she was crying now would change nothing here. Useless and unproductive. And yet she couldn't stop.

Closing her eyes, she tried to concentrate on something else – anything else – but it was a fool's errand. Her mind could only hold one thought at the moment and no matter what she did there was no avoiding it. She envied people who could switch their minds off, who could just power down and clear their headspace. It was not a skill she had ever possessed.

She didn't hear the key in the door and it wasn't until she could feel Patrick standing in front of her that she even realized he was home. His touch of her shoulder was soft, gentle and familiar. Even something as simple as his hand on her shoulder made her body hum and awaken. There had been long periods in her life when she wasn't touched, when people wouldn't put their hands on her but Patrick had changed that for her.

"Hey babe," he called softly to her.

His jaw slacked a little as she opened her eyes and he saw the red rims and puffiness. There was no mistaking that she had been crying and it squeezed his heart. He sank to the couch and put his hand against her cheek.

"Robin? Robin, what's wrong?"

The tears started again and Patrick began to panic. "Are you okay? Did something happen to you? To the baby?"

"The baby's fine" she squeaked out before throwing her arms around him.

His arms closed quickly around her and he held her tightly to his body. His mind raced at warp speed through any number of scenarios trying to figure out what was wrong. Hot tears landed on his shoulder and he rubbed her back, trying to soothe her.

"Robin?" he queried again.

Pulling back from his warm embrace, she smiled sadly. "I saw Darren today."

"Oh?" he prodded carefully.

Her bottom lip quivered and her throat closed up. She swallowed thickly before sucking in a breath.

"He has AIDS."

All the air rushed from Patrick's lungs.

It was his turn to grab on to her and he did. The news had him reeling and his first reaction was to hold on to her. Actually, his first reaction was to try and build a force field around her to protect her from everything Darren's diagnosis implied but he had to settle for holding her.

"How long?"

"About a month" she replied.

"I thought….I thought they were just waiting to find the right combo of ARVs," he stammered.

Robin nodded against his shoulder. "It was too late. His t-cells have continued to fall and then in the last few weeks he developed histoplasmosis."

Leaning back, his brow furrowed, Patrick shook his head. "I don't….he….I was sure they were going to find the right meds."

"Me too" she replied sadly. "But there wasn't any combination that would stick. T-cells continued to drop and his viral load kept climbing."

"Are they sure?" He of course knew the answer but there was something comforting, albeit momentarily, in hoping that the test results were wrong.

"Yes."

"How was he when you saw him?"

"Upbeat. He's always upbeat." Robin shook her head, willing the tears to disappear. "Patrick, he's…..he's dying."

He folded her in his arms again and held on to her as tightly and for as long as he could. His own heart was hammering loudly inside his chest and he was desperately trying to stop his mind from going to a place he tried to avoid at all costs.

Several long minutes passed before Robin finally extricated herself from his embrace. "I….do you….are we wrong for having this child?" she asked.

His eyes bulged in shock and he searched in vain for his words for several beats. "R-robin," he sighed. "Wrong? How….how could having this child be wrong?"

She grimaced and bit down on her bottom lip. "Because what's happening to Darren is going to happen to me" she said bluntly. "And our child is going to watch me die. You are going to watch me die. Maybe….maybe it would be better if we didn't-"

"Don't" he interrupted. "Don't finish that sentence."

"Why not? You don't….you don't know what death from AIDS looks like Patrick. I do. AIDS is a fucker of a disease because it kills you in inches; it steals pieces here and there but generally leaves you aware enough to know what you are losing. It's painful and horrific and the most inelegant way to die."

"Stop it," he whispered, pleadingly.

"You need to know what you're getting into" she challenged, almost angrily. "You need to understand – really understand – what your future is; what my future is. I am going to die Patrick. Painfully, slowly, awfully. And if you marry me then you're going to see all of that. Our child is going to watch all of that. I will ruin your lives. You would be better off avoiding it."

His brown eyes flashed angrily as he shook his head. "Do you somehow think that if I left you I would be unaffected by your death? My dad told me – ironically when I was running away – that the heart doesn't recognize distance and he's right. I could be on another planet Robin and what happens to you would affect me. You are in my heart," he thumped his chest. "Right here. Nothing can or will ever change that."

"You can't want this," she said quietly.

"I don't," he admitted. "I don't want you to die." Large tears slid silently down his face. "I would lay down my life if it meant that you would live. But that's not within my control. What is in my control is living – you taught me that."

"When?" she challenged.

"Every day" he answered simply. "Every day you have taught me that living is within my control and I need to embrace what that means."

"Our child-"

"Will be fine," he finished.

Robin curled her fingers through his, needing to touch him. "Your mom died when you were a teenager and look how that affected you. Can you really want our child to watch me die – to die of AIDS?"

Raising her hand, he brought it to his lips and placed a soft kiss against it. "First of all," he began, "I still have hope that there will be a cure. Robin – I don't pray, I don't really know how but when I close my eyes at night and I think of what I want – that is the only thing I want and I ask for it every night."

A small, surprised gasp escaped from the back of her throat.

"Second of all," he said, carrying on. "Long before our child watches you die – if that even happens – they will watch you live. They will see the courage and grace that live on a daily basis and that will sustain them through anything. It will sustain me."

Seeing the tears pooling in his eyes, Robin traced her fingertips underneath his eyes. "I worry about you," she told him quietly. "I worry about leaving you."

His lip trembled and swallowing the acrid lump in his throat, he tried to speak. "You could live to be 200 and your…..your….."

"My death?" she offered.

He nodded, a tear escaping. "Your death would be as devastating to me then as it would be at any other time. Robin, there is no end point for us. There is no natural conclusion to our relationship – there is no conclusion to our relationship. There isn't a single circumstance that I can think of where I would be okay with you…..with you dying."

"Why did you get involved with me?" she asked as she dropped her head to his shoulder. "You knew when you started pursuing me that I had HIV. And I know you didn't think you'd fall in love with me but you still knew."

Sliding his finger underneath her chin, he tipped her face up towards him. "You make it sound like there was an option, Robin. As though this was a conscious choice on my part. It wasn't. You are who I am meant to be with and HIV was always a consideration but never a reason not to get involved with you. You stood by my side when my life hung in the balance – through seizures and radiation burns, through a feeding tube, surgeries, aphasia – why?"

"Because I love you" she answered quickly.

"Exactly." A tiny smile pulled at the corners of his mouth.

Sliding her arms around his waist, she brought her head to rest on his chest. "I….I think I forgot for a while that AIDS can happen at any time. I chided people for thinking having HIV was like popping Flintstone vitamins but somewhere in my mind I think I did the same thing."

"Robin"

"No, I mean it," she continued softly. "I think I had this false sense of security – even with the change in my protocol, it was a blip and then my viral load tumbled back down. I….I think I have taken my health for granted a little."

Closing his arms around her, he kissed the top of her head. "I haven't," he replied quietly. "Not even a little."

"Can you….can you just keep holding me for a while?"

"I will hold you for as long as you need me to."

They were quiet again, each lost in their own thoughts and the glare of the bright light shined in the dark corner.

"I know we haven't really talked wedding," Patrick said, breaking the silence, "but there is one change I would like to make in the wedding vows."

Lifting her head, she looked at him quizzically. "What's that?"

"I don't want to say 'until death do us part'. I just want to promise to love you forever."


	192. Chapter 199

**Chapter 199**

The way a star falls from the sky, now I'm forever lost in your eyes

Robin sat in the kitchen enjoying the quiet of early morning. Looking down at her engagement ring she marveled at the depth of promise it held. It had been a week since Darren had told her that he had developed AIDS and her feelings and thoughts continued to be scattered to all corners and yet through it all Patrick was by her side. He held her, he let her talk, he made her laugh, he went with her to visit Darren and was amazingly compassionate. There were not many couples who tested their wedding vows before actually saying them but they had and they found that living those promises came naturally to them.

She smiled as she heard him pad down the stairs; even when he had the opportunity to sleep in, he didn't. It was almost as though once she was up, he didn't want to be in the bed without her. He came into the kitchen and touching her shoulder, softly kissed her. Then he dropped to his knees in front of her, pushed her robe open and kissed her burgeoning belly.

"Good morning baby," he said softly. "How are the summersaults going? You working on your gymnastics in there?"

Robin's heart fluttered as his voice vibrated against her skin. Patrick had taken to talking to the baby first thing in the morning and just before they went to sleep. She adored the slightly goofy look on his face as he did so.

"I think it's more soccer or kung-fu this morning than gymnastics," she told him.

He swept his hand across her belly. "Are you giving your mom a hard time?" he asked. "You be good to her in there." Getting to his feet, he kissed her again.

"I made coffee for you." She nodded in the direction of the coffee maker on the counter. "Leaded coffee, even though I can't have any." The mock pout in her tone elicited a laugh from Patrick.

"You are too good to me - your sacrifices are legendary."

"Yeah, yeah." Robin took a drink of tea. "So are you all ready for your best man duties?"

Patrick shrugged as he filled his mug. "Leave it to Eric to have the world's simplest wedding. All I have to do is stand there."

Alexis and Eric had barely been engaged two days before they announced they would marry the following weekend. They had decided to have a simple, quiet ceremony on the docks at the lakehouse with just the girls, Patrick and Robin in attendance. When questioned about the lack of pomp and circumstance both demurred, saying they just wanted to be married - without fuss but with all who were important to them in attendance.

"True, but you're going to look damn hot standing there," she smiled slyly.

Cocking an eyebrow, he shook his head. "You are insatiable. You are going to wear me out before this baby comes."

"Quit your whining," she teased. "I thought you had game."

"I do," he grinned. "It's just you keep wanting to score .time."

Setting her mug down on the table, Robin got to her feet and walked over to the counter, retreiving an envelope. "Because you've been such a good player, I have a present for you."

"Oh?"

Nodding, she placed the envelope in his hands. Patrick gave her a curious look before sliding his finger underneath the flap. Reaching inside, he pulled out two plane tickets.

"Greece?" he asked in surprise.

Curling her fingers through the waistband of his sweatpants, she nodded. "It's on our list - a week on the beach in Greece. And since you've been doing most of the list organizing I thought I would take care of this."

Grinning, he bussed her lips. "When do you want to go? And can it be a topless beach."

Playfully swatting his bare chest, she surpressed a giggle. "Well I'm done flying until after the baby is born, so I was thinking we could go there for our honeymoon. What do you think?"

Sliding his arms around her waist, he dipped his head and kissed her lazily, his tongue dragging along the seam of her lips before slipping inside her mouth. Robin moaned happily, deepening the kiss.

"So is that a yes?" she asked breathlessly as they broke apart.

"That's a hell yes," he replied. "What a great idea."

"I love our list" she told him. "And I want to keep adding to it and crossing things off. I want it to be pages and pages long by the time we're done."

Stealing a quick kiss, he smiled against her mouth. "I like the way you think."

Catching a glance at the clock over his shoulder, Robin's eyes widened. "We better get a move on before the bride and groom think we've abandoned them."

"Well in that case," he said, as he took her hand and led her down the hall, "I think we better shower together - in the interest of saving time and water and all that."

Robin giggled. "God, I love it when you get environmental on me."

*******  
Eric pulled at his tie as he paced the length of the floor. Patrick, sitting on the couch, watched in amusement. His friend continued to check his watch and then peer out the patio door and down to the docks.

"So the judge is already down there, right?"

"For the tenth time, yes. You know, you're a little high strung - which is kind of fun to watch."

Eric shot him a withering glance. "Just wait - your wedding day will be here soon enough and we'll just see how calm, cool and collected you are. My guess is we'll be peeling you from the ceiling."

"Nah," he disagreed. "I'm as cool as they come."

"Pffft."

Patrick carefully studied his friend and depsite his obvious nerves he finally seemed to be at peace and for Patrick that meant everything. They had been by each other's sides when family and friends had disappeared and disappointed and they knew the exact each had paid to get where they were. The peace, the happiness Eric was experiencing was hard fought and hard won.

"Smitty"

"Yeah?"

"Nice work."

Eric smiled bashfully and winked. He opened his mouth to speak but stopped as Molly and Kristina came skipping into the room in their white dresses. Crouching down he beamed as he looked at the two girls.

"You two are gorgeous!" he exclaimed and was rewarded with them both sprinting into his arms.

"Ewic" Molly said, looking up into his eyes.

"Yes Molly?"

"I wuv you"

"Me too!" Kristina added.

Hugging them as tightly as he could without squishing their dresses, he kissed them each on the cheek. "And I love you both - very much."

Robin and Alexis came from around the corner and Eric froze where he was as he looked up. His sharp intake of breath was the only sound in the room as he drank her in. "Oh my" he whispered.

She stood on the step to the living room and beamed at her soon-to-be husband. Dressed in a simple white satin sheath dress that hugged every curve, she gave off an air of complete and total happiness.

"How do I look?" she asked nervously.

Rising to his feet, Eric crossed the floor in three easy steps. Cupping her face, he let his mouth hover over hers. "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen," he told her quietly, "and I can't believe you're going to be my wife."

"It's not too late to back out" Patrick called teasingly.

Without taking her eyes from Eric, she shook her head. "Not a chance." He closed his mouth over hers and kissed her passionately, in a silent expression of his love for her.

Kristina, having climbed on the couch beside Patrick, looked at him seriously. "They are still very kissy" she announced.

Patrick burst out laughing and as Robin came to join him, he leaned over and kissed her. "I think being kissy is a good thing."

Taking Alexis' hand in his own, he guided her down the step. "Shall we get this show on the road?"

With the two girls skipping ahead, the four friends walked out the patio door and headed down the pathway to the dock where the judge was patiently waiting. The sun was shining brightly, glistening across the water and a light breeze rustled through the trees. It was a most perfect late summer day. Patrick held Kristina's hand and Robin, Molly's as they waited for the bride and groom to walk the final few feet together.

Robin's heart beat loudly inside her chest as she saw how utterly joyful Alexis was and thoughts of her own wedding day to come danced in her head. Looking over at Patrick, chatting kindly with Kristina, it felt as though she was having a glimpse of the future. Though she never doubted whether he would be a good parent, catching a small glimpse of it, sent her soaring. She had long eschewed happily ever after as the doings of fairy tales but glancing at him and knowing the love she felt for him and he for her, she was begining to think it might be more than just reserved for fairy tales.

The judge, a friend of Alexis', greeted them all and spoke passionately about the sanctity, the importance and the responsibilites of marriage. He smiled at the couple who only had eyes for each other before inviting them to say their vows.

Eric held both her hands in his and smiled lovingly at her as she spoke.

"You are a gift to me and like the best gifts you were a total and complete surprise. I had not thought that I would find love again but I did and better than that, I found a love that I had never experienced before. You give me all the space I need to be who I am but you never are out of reach. I have learned to trust you and in doing that I've learned to trust myself. I love you for who you are and who you will be. You are a man of profound strength and honour and caring. It means everything to me that you have accepted my children, that you love them as your own and that you cherish them as you do me." Several tears escaped from the corners of her eyes. "And so I say here in front of everyone who matters to us that I will love, honour and sustain you through good times and in bad for the rest of our lives."

"Eric?" the judge prompted.

Taking a deep breath, he exhaled slowly. "I don't know the exact moment I fell in love with you because there have been so many moments betwen us that have affirmed my feelings but I do know that my love for you is deep and unwavering. You have given me total and unconditonal acceptance and if I am a good and honourable man it's because your love for me has allowed me to be that way. You are so beautiful in every way and that beauty is reflected around you in your children and your friends and I am grateful that you allow me to share in it. I promise here in front of family and friends and God that I will love you, honour you and protect you with my whole heart every day, now and forever."

Patrick looked past Eric and caught Robin's eye. With a small smile, he mouthed 'I love you' to her. Returning his smile, she placed her hand over her heart and mouthed the same words back to him.

The Judge called for the rings and both Robin and Patrick passed them to their friends. They slid on easily and Eric brought Alexis' hand to his mouth, kissing it.

"Alexis and Eric, by the authority vested in my be the state of New York and by my belief in the promises you have made to each other this day, it is my honour and my pleasure to pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride."

Stepping to his wife, Eric took her face in his hands and kissed her with unbridled passion.

Patrick walked to Robin and pulled her to his arms. Dipping his head, he placed a soft kiss against her cheek. "I cannot wait to marry you."


	193. Chapter 200

**Chapter 200**

I know a change gonna come

Eric stared at the suitcases sitting by the door and chuckled to himself. Between Alexis and the two girls there were nearly eight bags - knapsacks, carry-ons and larger bags and then there was his one lone carry on suitcase. Such was his life now, surrounded by women. And he wouldn't change it for anything. As they prepared for the family holiday/honeymoon to Florence he realized just how much he like being tied down.

Smiling as he felt his wife's arms slide around him, he turned around and stole a quick kiss. "Hello wife," he grinned.

"Three days and not tired of it yet, huh?" she replied, smiling.

"Not even a little."

"I need to ask one more time-"

"Alexis-"

She placed her hands on his chest. "Eric, are you sure you're okay with the girls coming? I can have Ric and Sonny take them and we can be alone."

"Alexis, I am happy that the girls are coming along. It will be a great holiday for all of us. Besides, they have to sleep some time, right?"

Her cheeks blushed faintly as she shook her head. "Married life is definitely working for me."

Tipping her chin up to him he fastened his mouth over hers as his arms wrapped around her, pulling her closer to him. Alexis' hands threaded through his hair, deepening the kiss. She moaned lightly as their tongues tangled and their breath mingled. There was simply no getting enough of each other.

The buzz of his cell phone vibrating through his pocket pulled them apart. Smiling apologetically, he fished it from his pocket and frowned at the call display. Flipping it open, he answered.

"Smitherman," he barked.

Her fingers still coiled through his belt loops, Alexis watched as his brow furrowed and his face srunched up. When his hand holding the phone started to tremble, she touched his arm.

His blue eyes shimmered as he passed the phone to her. "It's....it's Lucie," he stammered. "She....Josh....she wants us to come and get Josh. She says she can't take care of him any longer and doesn't want him. I....I don't know what to do."

Taking the phone from him, she pressed it to her ear. "Lucie? It's Alexis. Start talking." She wandered to her office and left Eric standing frozen in spot.

His head was spinning and yet he could not make himself move from where he stood. Not a day went by that he didn't think of Josh and when he knew he was in the hospital for treatment it took superhuman strength on his part not to visit him. He missed him and didn't for a moment believe he was better of with his aunt but knowing it was out of his control, he was doing his best to try and move on. This phone call, the sound of Lucie's exasperated, pleading voice threatened to undo all the progress he had made.

He had no idea how much time had elapsed when Alexis emerged from her office. It wasn't until she touched his arm that he even realized she was calling to him.

"Wh-what's going on?" he asked, almost breathlessly.

"She wants to renounce custody" she said slowly, watching his reactions. "She wants us to take him because she doesn't feel she can care for him at all."

Eric swallowed thickly. "She can't just give him to us," he replied, not daring to get his hopes up.

"No, she can't. But a judge can. I've called CFS and I've called my friend Judge Meyer. He has scheduled an emergency hearing for later this afternoon. I'm going to petition that we be granted temporary custody, that her guardianship be terminated and I'm going to file a motion to start adoption proceedings."

"Adoption? Alexis we haven't really-"

"No we haven't really talked about it but Josh belongs with you - with us. We can give him a home and we can love him and we can start to undo to damage that's been inflicted on him. I know this Eric. I know he is meant to be with us. So unless you tell me outright this isn't what you want, then I'm moving ahead."

He chewed on his bottom lip. "I can't tell you that" he said quietly.

"I didn't think so," she smiled. "I'm on way to my office and I'll call you when it's done."

"Do you want me to go with you?"

She shook her head. "Stay here with the girls while I do my thing."

Nodding, he reached for her hand. "Okay."

Standing on her tip toes, she pressed her lips to his before gently pulling away and grabbing her briefcase. With her hand on the doorknob, she stopped and turned around. "Eric?"

"Yeah?"

"I think you should call the airline and cancel our flights. We aren't flying to Italy today but," she smiled lovingly at him, "with any luck I may just have the best wedding gift ever for you."

And with that she disappeared out the door. On shaky legs, Eric walked to the couch and sank down. Reaching inside his shirt, he pulled out his Michael the Archangel medallion that he had not taken off since Robin had given it back to him and he held it tightly in his hand. They were going to need all the help they could get.

*****  
"Can I help you?" Patrick asked playfully as he felt Robin's hands curl around his behind.

"Don't mind me," she replied teasingly, "I'm just groping you."

Shaking his head, he continued to load clothes into the washing machine. "So I noticed. Is there are particular reason for the gropage or am I just that irresistable?"

Laughing, Robin grabbed hold of the hem of his shirt and started to tug it upwards. Frustrated that he would not lift his arms, she slapped his butt. "I'm frisky dammit. I have needs and you need to help me with my needs."

Amused, he shrugged but did not help her in her efforts to remove his shirt. "You _always_ have needs" he answered, reaching for the detergent. "I have needs too - and right now the needs are for clean clothes."

"Paaatrick" she whined.

"Don't pout," he carried on, dumping the liquid inside the washer. "One of us has to keep this house running while you're off having naps."

"Hey!" she protested, unable to see the grin on his face. "I am 400 months pregnant with_ your_ baby - you try lugging this kid around and see if you don't need a nap every five minutes. Besides," she sniffed. "This is the last room we have to christen."

Closing the lid on the washing machine, he slowly turned around and leaned back. "Last room, huh? So...what you're saying is..."

"What I'm saying is," Robin sniped, her hands on her hips, "are you seriously going to stand here and do laundry when you could be doing me?"

Throwing his head back, Patrick laughed loudly. From the first time he had met her he had been sure that a fire simmered just below the surface. He had been happy to be wrong - it wasn't a fire, it was a volcano. They were so perfectly matched in so many ways, including sexually, and his long ago fears of not wanting to commit to one person in fear of being bored or dissatisfied had long since evaporated.

Taking hold of his own shirt with one hand, he peeled it from his body and tossed it to the laundry basket. "I'm pretty sure I'd much rather do you" he told her huskily as his eyes darkened with desire.

"Then what are you going to do about it?" she challenged.

Crooking his finger, he beckoned her closer. "Get up here" Taking hold of her, he picked her up and placed her on the washer. He motioned for her to take her dress off, his arms folded across his chest as he waited.

Shifting under the movement of the washer, Robin bit the bottom of her lip. Slowly she reached for the hem of her dress and pulled it away. The sound of Patrick's gasp as she revealed her body, in full pregnancy bloom, made her skin flush. Not wearing a bra, she cupped her full breasts and lazily kneaded them. Holding his gaze, she smiled seductively as he licked his suddenly dry lips.

"Are you leaving me to do this all by myself?" she asked. "Because I can."

Patrick swallowed thickly as he noticed the small damp patch darkening her pink panties. "Show me" he rasped. "Show me how."

She exhaled heavily as she curled her fingers into the waistband of her underwear, pulling out a condom and placing it beside her on the washer. Returning to her breasts, she kneaded them, flicking her nipples with her fingers; she groaned as the peaks hardened under her touch. As the vibrations increased underneath her, she spread her legs and moved her hips in time with the washer. Tracing one hand down her torso, she dipped it inside her panties and teased herself.

Patrick moaned involuntarily as he watched her. He shifted from one foot to the other trying to relieve the growing pressure inside his jeans. "Does it feel good Robin?" he asked.

She nodded, her eyes becoming heavy-lidded. "It's so good," she whispered. "I can close my eyes and picture your hands touching me - your hands squeezing and tugging on my breasts."

"Wh-what else would my hands do?" he asked.

Robin peeled her undewear down her legs, kicking it off. She gave him a feline smile. "I think they would do this too" she panted, her body humming with greater intensity as she fingered the sensitive nub at the apex of her thighs.

Unable to simply watch any more, Patrick moved to her and cupping her face, kissed her hard on the mouth. Heat streamed down to her belly and to the very tips of her toes as his tongue swept inside the velvety heat of her mouth. His arousal pushed at her thigh as he pulled her to him, his kisses continuing to bruise her mouth; she returned the kiss with alacrity. His hands left her face and trailed slowly, teasingly down her soft skin - over her shoulders, down her arms before sweeping across her stomch. His lips followed in short order, whispering kisses along her neck, dragging his tongue along her collar bone before sucking softly at the hollow in her neck.

Robin bucked against him. Her fingers twisted in his hair trying to pull him closer. It mattered little how hard his kissed her, how softly he touched her - she wanted more. Her hands slid over his shoulders, feeling the muscles ripple underneath her touch. Her breathing became ragged as the combination of the washer and his ministrations brought her closer to an orgasm.

"Patrick," she panted.

Raising his head, he covered her mouth with his again, sucking her bottom lip into his mouth and gently nibbling it. Letting go of her mouth, he dipped his head and closed it over her pert nipple letting his tongue swirl around the tip; her head lolled back as her body started to shake. She pushed his head away and covered his face in greedy, hungry, almost possessive kisses. He continued to run his hands along her thighs, teasing her sex, as she nibbled and sucked on his chest.

Hardening painfully, he reached for the condom before quickly undoing his button and zipper and letting his jeans fall to the ground. Stepping out of them, he kicked them aside and tearing open the packet, sheathed himself.

"Tell me how you feel" he asked her, stroking himself.

"I'm almost...I'm almost there" she panted. "But I want you inside me."

Curling his hands around her thighs, he pulled her forward before plunging inside her. The vibrations from the spin cycle echoed from her body to his and the new sensation nearly sent him tumbling over the edge. They rocked together, urgently, their kissing was feverish and wanton; their hands flying everywhere, desparate to touch each other. Robin felt like was on fire.

"Come with me" she demanded, her hand sliding around his hips and massaging his butt.

He was on sensory overload and her name tore from his lips as he thrust hard against her one final time, following her over the edge before nearly collapsing against her. Reaching past her, he stopped the washer.

"Wow" he panted.

Robin nodded in agreement. "I think...I think we may need to build an addition."

******  
Hearing Alexis' key in the door, Molly, Kristina and Eric all jumped to their feet waiting with bated breath. It had been more than half a day since she had left the house and despite having placed a few anxious phone calls to her, Eric had been unable to find out how the judge had ruled; he had been preparing himself for the worst ever since. As the door swung open, revealing Alexis with Josh in her arms, the two girls jumped up and down clapping giddly. Eric was once again frozen in spot, afraid that if he moved somehow the spell would be broken. Alexis bent down and set him on the ground.

"Welcome home Josh" she said gently. "We sure have missed you."

The young boy looked from Alexis to the girls and then tentatively to Eric. He hopped nervously from one foot to the other, unsure of what to do. The five of them all stood in suspended animation until finally Eric crouched down and opened his arms to the young boy. Seeing the invitation he wanted most, he sprinted down the steps throwing himself into his arms. Eric closed his arms around him tightly, kissing his cheek.

"Hey buddy, I am so glad to see you again."

"Alexis said I can stay," he said quietly against his shoulder, "can I?"

Eric looked up at his wife, the question clear in his eyes. She nodded, smiling. "We won" she told him, coming down the stairs to join her daughters.

"You sure can," Eric told Josh. "You're home now." The little boy trembled in his arms, several hot tears landing on his shoulder. He soothingly rubbed his back. "You're alright," he reassured him. "Josh, everything is going to be okay."

Josh pulled back, wiped his nose with the back of his hand and looked at the man who had been more of a parent to him than any member of his family had. "Do you...do you still love me?"

"Of course I do" he replied quickly. "We all do. Why would you ask me that?"

"Lucie said you didn't love me anymore - that you had a real family now and that's why you didn't come to visit."

Eric's blood boiled and his desire to inflict as much pain on that woman as she had on him threatened to consume him in that instant. He exhaled as he felt Alexis' hand on his shoulder. She always seemed to know just what he needed.

"You are part of our family Josh," he stated unequivocally. "We are all one family and I love you very, very much." Picking him up, he sat them both down on the couch and continued to reassuringly rub his back.

Kristina and Molly climbed on the couch beside them and Alexis slid in next to them. Josh looked sheepishly at Kristina and smiled nervously. "I sorry I yelled at you" he told his friend.

"That's okay," she replied easily. "We're a family and sometimes you can do that if you hafta."

Josh looked up at Eric. "She threw out my playstation and my Harry Potter blanket."

He exhaled slowly trying to keep his temper in check. Kissing the top of his head, he smiled. "That's okay Josh - we'll replace them." Reaching across the back of the couch, he extended his hand to his wife.

Alexis placed her hand inside his and smiled as he mouthed 'I love you'.

"It's just like Kristina says," she told him, "we're a family."

*****  
Patrick helped her down from the washer, passing her dress to her before turning his back and scooping up his jeans.

"Patrick" Robin said suddenly.

"You cannot possibly want round two already" he protested as he stepped into his jeans. "Seriously Robin I think you're trying to kill me with sex."

"Patrick"

"Tiger!" he teased turning around. The word died on his lips as he saw the look of distress on her face. "Robin? What is it?"

She looked down at the puddle at her feet and back to him. "My water just broke."


	194. Chapter 201

**Chapter 201**

Lightning crashes

"What do you mean?" Patrick asked

Looking down at the puddle and then up at him, she scrunched her face up. "What do you mean 'what do I mean'? My water broke. I'm in labour."

"No, no, no" he shook his head. "You just peed or something. It's....it's too soon."

His heart was racing and the laundry room suddenly seemed very hazy. She was five weeks from her due date and he had been counting on every one of those 37 days to help him get ready for the massive change coming. He was anxious to meet their child but at the same time he wanted to be ready. And standing there, in the laundry room, with his girlfriend telling him her water had broken just after having sex really, really didn't feel like he was ready.

"Patrick, I didn't pee" she protested, pulling her dress over her head. "I'm in labour. We need to go to the hospital."

"It's too soon," he repeated.

She nodded, slightly freaked. When she first felt her water go she really thought that perhaps she had just had an accident but as small cramps started to stir in her belly she was completely sure that labour had started. "It's a little soon" she agreed, "but I don't think our baby is very good at telling time."

"But....but we just had sex" he repeated in disbelief.

"Yeah and it was great but uh...but now we're having a baby."

Exhaling, Patrick nodded. "Okay." His eyes darted around the room trying to focus on something, anything. "So....uh....we should go to the hospital"

Robin smiled nervously. "I think that's a good idea. I....I don't have a bag packed."

Blowing out his cheeks, he shrugged. "I think...I think we can sort that out later."

"Okay" she agreed.

Realizing one of them had to get them moving, Patrick held out his hand to her. "Okay - let's go."

They climbed the stairs together in stunned silence. Patrick gathered his wall and cell phone and they headed down the hallway to the door. As Patrick opened the door, Robin pulled on his hand.

"Patrick?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm freaked," she admitted. Her rich, brown eyes were wide with worry as she sucked in a ragged breath.

"Good" he said quietly. "I mean, because I am" he amended as he noticed the withering look on her face. Turning back to the door, he started to move foward only to feel another tug on his arm.

"Patrick?"

"Yeah?"

A slow smile spread across her face. "I'm pretty excited too" she said.

The tension was suddenly lifted from his face and smiling, he cupped her face and placed a long, lingering kiss on her lips. "Me too. I love you so much Robin."

Her eyes suddenly welled with tears as reality washed over her. "We're going to have a baby" she whispered.

"Yeah" he answered excitedly. "But we really need to get to the hospital or we're going to have a baby right here. Let's go - we'll call Kelly from the car."

*******  
Kelly met them at the entrance of the hospital with a wheelchair. Patrick gently guided Robin into the chair as she tried to breathe through the rising contractions.

"Your baby just isn't interested in following the rules," Kelly joked. "Good luck when they're a teenager."

Robin nodded. "I'm blaming the Drake genes on this."

"Hey!" Patrick protested as they moved quickly down the hallway.

"Though I will say," Robin added as she blew out her cheeks. "I am glad Patrick has that race car driving background - he got us here in record time and I only thought I was going to throw up once."

The doctor helped her out of the chair and up on to the bed. Robin had barely settled down when another contraction hit. She squeezed hard on Patrick's hand, trying hard to ride out the pain with her breathing. Patrick lovingly stroked her head, murmuring encouraging words against her ear until the contraction passed and she flopped against the pillows.

"Now that we have a few minutes," Kelly said sliding a stool, "I'm going to take a peek and see where we're at."

"Kelly, isn't it too soon?" Patrick asked nervously.

She shook her head. "It's early but not too early." Robin flinched slightly as Kelly examined her. "Robin, you're 8 cm dilated and almost fully effaced. Unfortunately we are way past the point for an epidural so it's going to be natural all the way. You'll be pushing soon."

Robin groaned. The pain wasn't unbearable but she had been hoping for a little pharmaceutical aid to help her through. She took a deep breath before letting go of it slowly. Raising her head from the pillow, she asked breathlessly, "Kelly, do you have the AZT ready to go?"

Smiling reassuringly, she nodded. "We do. Robin, we're going to take excellent care of you and the baby. We have the protocol down pat - you're not our first HIV pregnancy."

"I know - I know. I'm just nervous."

"We both are" Patrick added, unable to take his eyes from his girlfriend.

"Nerves are good" she assured them. "But the three of you are going to be fine." Getting to her feet she patted Robin's leg. "I think you're probably about another hour before full dilation and effacement. I'm going to check on another patient and then be back to check on you. Sheila and Maura will be in to check on you in a couple of minutes."

"Okay" she nodded. "Thanks Kel" Looking at Patrick, she shrugged. "I guess we're having a baby"

"Looks that way" he grinned.

"Could you....could you sit behind me like we did in class?"

"Of course" He toed off his shoes and climbed into the bed, positioning himself behind her. His hands went to her belly, rubbing it soothingly as he pressed a kiss to her cheek.

Robin melted against him only to fall into the grips of another contraction. Grabbing hold of his hands, she squeezed tightly as he coached her through her breathing. There was something about the feel of his breath on the back of her neck that helped calm her. Rising fears were pushed back down as she felt his arms around her.

"We haven't told anyone we're here" she said after the contraction had passed.

"There will be time later" he answered, gently stroking her hair. "We don't need an audience for this - we made this baby together and we'll have it together -everyone else can visit when it's over."

"I'm probably....." she exhaled slowly, "I'm probably going to say some mean things to you as this gets harder"

"That's okay," he grinned. "I can take it."

Tipping her head to the side, she looked over her shoulder and smiled adoringly at him. "I love you so very much."

Brushing his lips against hers, he let his mouth linger. "Me too. You're going to be great Robin. You're so strong -you're going to be amazing."

Sitting up as another contraction hit, she blew the air from her lungs. "God, I hope so."

******  
As Kelly had predicted, it took almost an hour for Robin's labour to progress far enough for her to push. As the pain increased the only sounds that could be heard in the room were Robin's grunts and groans. Patrick stayed behind her, mopping her brow, encouraging her and breathing with her. The nurses and Kelly all offered their encouragement as well but Robin heard none of it. Her entire focus was on pushing, on bringing their child into the world. She could feel Patrick's hands and his arms as he helped her to push. She could feel his muscles rippling as he supported her and she drew on that strength as she bore down and pushed.

The pain wasn't unbearable but it was intense. It left her breathless and gasping for air. Patrick pressed ice chips to her mouth for her to suck on and bring some momentary relief to her parched throat. She had moments, small, fleeting ones, when she thought she was ready to give up, when she didn't think she could go on. But the moment a thought like that appeared in her head she pushed it aside and concentrated on how far she had travelled to get to this point. Being here, pushing through the pain to give birth to her miracle baby, had been an almost epic journey. This was for the times she was told she would die within five years or within three; this was for the times she was rejected and told she was not loveable; this was for the times she was told that having children was impossible; this was for the times she was told she carried a plague or worse, that she deserved it; this was for everyone who ever said that a full life was not an option for a person with HIV; it was also for everyone had not had the same good fortune she did.

With one final, exhausting push, she gave everything she had and was rewarded with a piercing wail cutting through the room. She flopped against Patrick, shaking, but kept her eyes on Kelly. Her sweat mingled with her tears as she waited for what seemed like hours. But then, before she could even process it all, Kelly placed the newborn on her chest.

"She's perfect Robin. Congratulations you two, you have a daughter."

"Wow" Patrick sighed, his voice tremulous as he looked down at the squirming being on Robin's chest.

Tears poured from Robin's eyes as she touched her daughter's head, a thick thatch of hair covering her head. "My little angel" she whispered. "Welcome to the world." She kissed her head and in a moment felt her heart wrap around her daughter's.

Patrick kissed Robin's cheek. "I am so proud of you" he told her, his own tears streaking down his cheeks. "And I love you"

"Patrick?" Kelly asked. "Would you like to come and cut the cord?"

Nodding, he carefully extricated himself from the bed and walked to the end of the bed where he expertly cut the cord. The baby was whisked from Robin to be weighed and measured and she sqwaked immediately in protest at being taken from her mother.

Patrick walked back to the head of the bed and softly kissed her. "How are you?" he asked.

"She's here" she grinned. "And I think our name is perfect."

"Me too" he agreed, kissing her again.

Kelly returned the newborn to them, wrapped in a pink blanket. "She's five pounds, two ounces and is 17 inches long. She's got good breath sounds but we're going to want to take her to the NICU for a few days just to keep an eye on her." Seeing Robin's eyes widen, she reassuringly touched her shoulder. "You'll be able to visit and hold her Robin, this is more precautionary. Take a couple of minutes with her and then we'll get her settled."

Patrick helped her to a sitting position and smiled as Robin ran her pinky along their daughter's full rosebud shaped mouth. "She's beautiful" he whispered. "Just like her mom."

Robin grinned happily. "Do you hear that Kathleen? Your daddy thinks you're beautiful. And he's right." She held her, cooing to her for several more minutes before passing her to Patrick.

Unable to stop the tears, several of them landed squarely on his daughter's forehead. "I'm sorry Kathleen, you've made your old man a mess already" Kissing her full cheek, he inhaled her newborn smell. "I am so happy to meet you" he said quietly. "And I love you very much."

With an apologetic smile, Kelly informed them that it was time to take her to the NICU. Robin asked Patrick to go with them, just to make sure she was settled alright. Though he was reluctant to leave her, he also hated the idea of their daughter being put into a crib without one of them there to hold her tiny, perfect hand. Kissing Robin quickly, he jogged from the room and followed the nurses down the hallway.

Sighing exhaustedly, Robin sank back against the pillows and rubbed her hand over her heart, smiling. A daughter. A most perfect daughter. A peace came over her and she closed her eyes to get some much needed rest.

*****  
Almost 45 minutes later, Patrick returned to the room. "Hey, sorry I was gone so long" he said as he came through the door. "But I called Mac and my Dad - they're both over the moon and on their way over here to meet our Kathleen" he said, stopping as he realized she was asleep. Leaning in, he kissed her forehead. "If anyone deserves to sleep, it's you - my warrior."

A cold sweat ran down his back as he noticed a growing, wet, red stain on her sheets. Ripping them away from her, his mouth dropped open as he realized she was hemmoraging. Quickly placing his fingers over her pulse point, he cursed under his breath as he felt how weak it was. Slamming his hand against the call button, he watched in horror as the stain on the bed continued to grow. Unwilling to wait any longer, he scooped her up in his arms, her entire body falling limp, and he sprinted from the room down the hall.

He screamed at the nurses to page Kelly as he ran to the OR. Robin was bleeding out and her life was quickly slipping away. 


	195. Chapter 202

**Chapter 202**

Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken Hallelujah

As the orderly snatched Robin from his arms and disappeared behind the OR doors, Patrick staggered backwards. His heart was thrashing about inside his chest and he was unable to process any thought; the only image in his head was of how pale and tiny Robin was in his arms. His entire body trembled as he stared helplessly at the OR doors.

Kelly called to him. "Patrick, we're going to do everything we can for her."

"You have to save her" he gritted out urgently, grabbing hold of her arm. "You MUST save her Kelly - there isn't another option."

She nodded as she burst through the OR doors. There was no time for the normal platitudes given in situations like this, besides, she knew Patrick wouldn't believe her.

Baffled, he covered his mouth with his hand. One hour ago their daughter - their unexpected miracle - made her grand entrance, and now her mother was fighting for her life. Tears filled his eyes but he refused to let them fall. Fear was quickly being replaced by a cold, hard rage; his panic was giving way to fury. How was it that she was left to bleed out into her bed and not a single person noticed? When the time was right he would get the names of the nurses and he would have their jobs. He would have Kelly's job too if he could prove she had any responsibility in this. The woman he loved was on the verge of having everything she had ever dreamed of - on the verge of having what she had almost been afraid to ask for - and this was unacceptable.

He stumbled down the hallway in a daze, oblivious to the stares he was garnering; Robin's blood had soaked through his t-shirt, the t-shirt she had been so anxious to remove from him several hours earlier. He didn't care. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered if Robin didn't come out of the OR alive. He continued to walk blindly, not sure where he was going but only that he needed to stay in motion. To stop meant he would think and to think meant he would really start to weigh the likelihood of her dying and that was simply not something he wanted to do.

Someone called his name but he raised his hand and waved them off, continuing to walk. He couldn't actually see where he was going his field of vision was occupied with other sights - the moment Kathleen was on Robin's chest, arms and legs squirming in protest at having left her warm home; Robin stroking their daughter's thick hair; Robin holding her, bundled in a soft, pink blanket, in her arms for the very first time; Robin's blood spilling out further and further on to the bed. Without even trying he could practically guess the amount of blood she had lost but shaking his head, he pushed it far from his mind. He couldn't think of it, he wouldn't think of it.

Nearly tripping over his feet, he slammed his hands into the door in front of him and pushing them open shuffled inside. Seeing the crucifix hanging at the opposite end of the room stopped him in his tracks. Against all odds, he had found his way to the chapel. Slinging his hands low on his hips, he scoffed loudly to the empty room. Seething as his rage churned violently inside him, he strode down the aisle shaking his head. Coming to a stop in front of the altar he stood stock still and glared with unrelenting fury in his eyes.

"My life was good," he began angrily. "It wasn't much necessarily but I was okay -I had friends, I had a career and I had the pick of any woman I wanted. It suited me just find to leave it like that but not you - no you - you sick sonofabitch - you had to go and change it up. Was it for shits and giggles? Are you happy now? _You _put her in my life - I wasn't looking for her, I wasn't asking for her - you put her there. And you kept putting her there until I had no choice but to fall in love with her. That was grand plan all along, wasn't it?" Disdain dripped from his voice as he paced restlessly in front of the crucifix.

"So what is this to you? Revenge? Your idea of entertainment? You don't have enough problems in the world to fix, you have to come and fuck with my life? You have my mother. You nearly took my father and my best friend - twice I might add - so now it's my girlfriend? I get the baby but I lose her? Don't you know that none of it matters NONE of it, if I don't have her? You're an asshole, you know that? A real, certifable asshole. I was perfectly happy to leave you alone and have you do the same. I don't need you. You were nowhere to be found when my life was falling apart, you were nowhere to be found when my father was crawling inside a bottle. I finally get something good - something great - in my life and now you show up? Just to mess with it?"

Falling silent he continued to pace; his anger had him spinning. He could feel his t-shirt, drenched in her blood, sticking to his torso like some macabre reminder that it wasn't in his control - nothing was in his control.

"You can't have her!" he yelled, his voice echoing loudly in the chapel. "Do you fucking hear me? YOU CAN'T HAVE HER! Not no - you'll get her at some point but !" His chest heaved. "You better fix her. Do you hear me? Oh great and merciful god, my ass. I think you're petty and small and I think you like to mess with people. Well fuck you" he shouted, his voice hoarse. "Do you hear me? Take your mercy and your faith and your benevolence and go fuck yourself. I'm done."

In one final disparaging act, Patrick spat on the foot of the altar.

"Patrick"

He spun on his heels and saw his father coming down the aisle.

"Dad" he croaked, faltering as he tried to walk to him.

Moving in a rush, Noah caught him in his arms and held him tightly. "It's okay sport, I have you."


	196. Chapter 203

**Chapter 203**

Holding you, I held everything

Holding up his son, Noah guided him back up the aisle and out of the chapel. In his grief, Patrick paid no attention to where they were going he simply held on to his father and let himself be led away. It wasn't until Noah gently pushed him onto the bench that he even realized he was in the locker room. His father swiftly removed the blood stained t-shirt, bagging it and tossing it into the hazardous waste bin. Retrieving a face cloth from the stand, he ran it under the tap and handed it to him.

Patrick gave him a quizzical look and only when his father nodded to his torso did he look down and realize the blood had seeped through his shirt.

"Mac is in the waiting room," Noah said quietly as Patrick wiped away the stain. "I don't think it's a good idea for you to show up in that shirt."

"She lost a lot of blood" he said flatly, "a lot."

Nodding, Noah took the facecloth back and disposed of it before handing him a fresh scrub top. "I checked with Epiphany before I came to find you and she said she's holding her own. They've got the bleeding under control and they've transfused her."

Exhaling, Patrick tiredly rubbed his hands over his face. "She is at risk for so many complications" he said quietly, "she could be a long time until she's out of the woods."

"True. But Kelly is very good at her job and Robin is very strong with a lot to live for. You just have to believe-"

"I told God to go fuck himself," he interjected.

"So I heard," he replied, a smile ghosting across his lips. "It's alright though, he can take it. Patrick it's okay to be angry and furious or sad or whatever – you just can't give up."

"I'm not." Looking up at his father, he looked very much as he did when he was a young boy, unsure of his next step. "I just….I shouldn't have left her."

Taking a seat beside him on the bench he placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Son, this was going to happen whether you were there or not. All that matters is you found her in time."

He shook his head in disbelief. "I don't…..I don't know what to do."

"You take Mac and I to meet your daughter and by the time we've finished cooing and aahing over her, Robin will be out of surgery and back in her room." Patting his shoulder, he got to his feet. "Come on, let's go."

****  
The worry lines were etched deep in to Mac's face when they found him in the waiting room. He gave Patrick a sympathetic smile and welcomed him to the world of parenthood, telling him he had little doubt Kathleen would be putting lines on his face in no time flat. The comment had teased out a smile from Patrick and after checking in with Epiphany for another update, the three men headed to the NICU.

Gowned and gloved, they followed Patrick to her bassinette. He beamed proudly as he stuck his hand inside and she grabbed hold of his finger, squeezing tightly.

"Grandpa Noah, Grandpa Mac – meet Kathleen" he said hoarsely, his voice thick with emotion. "Kathleen, these are the two crazy kooks I was telling you about."

Stepping forward, Mac placed a gloved hand on her tiny chest and much to his surprise, giant tears rolled down his cheeks. It had seemed so long ago that his niece was told her life was over and yet here, squirming and kicking her tiny legs was living proof that her life hadn't ended, that there had been so much in store for her even in those dark days in 1995. And from that he drew strength and knowledge that she would overcome the hurdle in front of her now. This moment had only existed in her dreams for so long but dreams, when pursued with passion and determination, had a way of coming true. Bending down, he placed a warm kiss on her forehead.

"So nice to finally meet you Kathleen," he whispered. "What a miracle you are."

Coming around the other side, Noah touched her cheek with the back of his finger. "What a beauty you are Kathleen," he told her softly, "and when you're old enough, I'll tell you just how to drive your father crazy."

Chuckling, Patrick shook his head. "I don't know little one," he said to his daughter, "you may change your mind about this family before the day is through"

"Doctor Drake?"

All three men looked up at the nurse who had approached them.

"Yes?" Patrick replied, his nervousness evident in his voice.

"Doctor Scorpio is in recovery and Doctor Lee said she will meet with you in Doctor Scorpio's room."

Blowing out his cheeks, he nodded wordlessly and then looked at the two men. "You…you guys are coming, right?"

"I'd like to see you try and stop us," Mac replied.

Kathleen received several goodbye kisses and promises of many more visits before they left the ward and headed back to Robin's room. Walking through the door, Patrick gave a small sigh of relief to see the floor had been cleaned and the bed replaced; there was no evidence of the trauma that had happened there.

With slightly shaky legs, he sank into the chair and waited for Kelly. Mac paced the length of the room and Noah, standing in the corner, kept an eye on his son. The silence hung heavily in the room and all three jumped when the door swung open.

Kelly looked tired but had a warm, reassuring smile for Patrick. "She's stable" were her first words.

"Thank god" Mac sighed in total relief.

"What happened?" Patrick asked, not quite willing to give thanks to anyone or anything just yet.

"Placenta accreta" she replied. "The placenta had attached too firmly to the uterine wall and when she delivered it, she tore, causing her to haemorrhage."

"How is it this was missed?" he asked directly. The accusation in his tone did not go unnoticed by anyone in the room.

Kelly took a breath to steady herself before answering. That was her friend who had nearly bled to death on the table and she was not in the mood for recriminations and accusations.

"It is almost impossible to diagnose prior to it happening and the resident didn't check the placenta carefully enough for any tears or abnormalities. Once we got the bleeding under control, we did a hysteroscopic resection in order to preserve fertility. Robin is going to be several weeks recovering from this surgery and we will be monitoring her closely for any signs of infection or complication but barring that, she should be discharged in a week and there is no reason that you two can't go on to have other children, if that's what you want."

Patrick said nothing instead just glaring at the doctor. Noah stepped forward and shook her hand.

"Thank you Kelly, we're grateful for everything you did."

She nodded. "Robin should be up in about an hour."

Leaning back in the chair Patrick stared up at the ceiling. It was almost more than he could take in. How was it possible to ride such a wave of highs and lows in the space of a few hours? He had gone from having everything to almost losing it all and he never wanted to experience that again.

*****  
Once Robin was back from recovery, Patrick had asked to have Kathleen brought to the room for a few hours. The need to surround himself with his family was suddenly overwhelming and he wanted everyone where he could see them.

With his hand in the crib, he sighed, rubbing her stomach. Touching her, feeling her soft skin seemed to soothe him as much as it did her. Robin lay in the bed having yet to regain consciousness. Despite being as white as the sheets, she had an almost serene look on her face. Patrick looked at her as he continued to touch their daughter.

"I think she likes me Robin," he said quietly, "but then again few women can resist the Drake charm." His tone was expectant hoping that his weak joke would somehow be enough to rouse her, his face registered his disappointment when nothing happened.

"So here's the thing Robin, I pretty much accused your friend of botching your labour and delivery and then I told God to fuck off." Pausing, he looked at his daughter. "You should probably cover your ears, your Dad has a bit of a potty mouth." Kissing her full cheek, he turned his attention back to his girlfriend. "So I did things and I need you to wake up and tell me how wrong I was. And then I need you to admonish me for setting such a poor example for our daughter."

Still without a reaction, he shook his head. "I don't know Kathleen, I'm beginning to think your mom is ignoring me."

"Do you blame her? You're prattling on like a 13 year old girl who just got kissed."

Looking up in surprise, he found Eric filling the door frame with two cups of coffee in his hands. "Your dad called," he offered by way of explanation as he came through the door.

"It's….it's been a bit of a day" he said, his voice catching. There was something about the presence of his best friend that made it easier for him to breathe and Patrick felt a fresh wave of emotions washing over him.

"So I heard" he said softly. "And who is this gorgeous creature?"

Patrick's smile was unmistakable as he tilted her up to face him. "This is Kathleen Scorpio Drake. Kathleen, this is your uncle Eric and despite some questionable taste in music and clothes, he's a pretty good guy."

Eric smiled as he passed a coffee to him. "Nice work Pantsy. Well I suppose I should say nice work Robin – let's face it your contribution to this whole thing was about two seconds and hardly qualifies as work."

Smirking, Patrick shook his head. "Kicking me when I'm down?"

"Someone has to." Eric studied his friend and could see the tightrope he was walking between fear and joy. "How are you?"

"I'm okay" he replied. "I just….I need Robin to wake up and then I'll be great."

"She will," he said confidently. "You guys are going to be home in no time. Though I think someone needs to alert the Manhattan party circuit – the legendary Doctor Drake is officially done."

Patrick smiled shyly and looked back at his daughter and his girlfriend. "If I had any idea Eric, if I had any idea that it would feel like this I would have given it up long ago."

"I'm pretty proud of you."

"Thanks."

"Can I do anything?"

"You're doing it."

The two friends sat together in easy silence listening the squeaks and sighs from the bassinette. Some times, when enough history had been shared together, there was no need for words, just the reminder that you are never really alone.

Eric stayed for about an hour and confident that his friend was not on the verge of cracking up, left him to continue to bond with his family.

Seeing Kathleen asleep, Patrick gently removed her from the bassinette and placed her on Robin's chest. He kissed Robin's forehead and then his daughter's before sitting back in the chair and revelling in the sight before him.

"She's wet" Robin croaked.

Patrick sprang from his chair. "Robin? Robin, open your eyes" he pleaded.

Forcing them half open she looked over at him and smiled weakly. "Her….diaper….is wet," she struggled, "you….need….to change her."

"You're okay" he remarked, tearfully, kissing her cheek.

"You didn't….really….think…..I was…..going to….leave? After all that….work?"

"I love you" he whispered, draping his arm over both of them. "I love you both so much."

Robin gave a slight nod before closing her eyes again. "Your girls….love you too."


	197. Chapter 204

**Chapter 204**

It's you and me

She rubbed her lips together, the briefest of smiles appearing as she realized that someone had covered them in balm. Her eyes fluttered as she tried, with great difficulty, to open her eyes. It felt as though the life had been sucked right out of her; though given what little she did remember, it was probably an accurate feeling.

She blinked several times as her eyes tried to adjust to the lights in the room. Her limbs felt heavy and any effort made to move was met with significant resistance. Sighing quietly, she slowly turned her head to look around and smiled slightly as she saw her Uncle Mac ensconced in the chair beside her bed, reading the newspaper.

"Hi," she croaked.

Mac dropped the paper and smiled gratefully at her. "Well look who's decided to wake up." Rising from the chair, he kissed her cheek. "Nice to see you."

"How…how long have I been out?" she asked, wincing as she tried to move. Mac slid his arms underneath her and carefully pulled her to a sitting position.

"On and off about two days. Patrick has been here the whole time until Noah and I ganged up on him and sent him home to sleep, eat and shower."

"Thank you" she replied.

She had felt Patrick's presence at different times – her hand in his, his lips on hers – and she was grateful someone was looking out for him while he was looking out for her.

"Never underestimate the determination of the grandfathers" he teased.

"So you've….you've seen her?"

Mac nodded as his eyes welled once again. He felt as though he were going soft in his old age but Kathleen was such a wonder and the pay off for every difficulty and challenge Robin had faced that he could not help but be touched by her.

"She's a beauty Robin. You did good."

"How is she?" Her voice was still weak and she tired easily.

Taking her hand, he squeezed it reassuringly. "She's doing great – she's put on some weight and she's got a good strong grip" he stated proudly.

Robin beamed, a hint of colour breaking through the paleness. "Did you ever think you'd see the day?"

"I wasn't sure" he admitted. "This seemed a long way off all those years ago."

She gave a small nod of her head. "We've….travelled a long road together. I never would have….I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you."

Holding her hand in both of his, Mac gave her a watery smile. "I wouldn't have traded a minute of it, Robin."

"Not even when I killed the skunk?"

Chuckling softly, he shook his head. "Not even that. It has been my joy to raise you and share in this with you. I am so proud of everything you've accomplished and of the chances you've taken. That little girl is the luckiest girl in the world to have you as a mother."

Tears trickled down Robin's face as she kissed her uncle's hand. "Well if she's half as lucky as I've been, she'll be doing okay."

"Awww. Look Kathleen" Patrick whispered loudly as he came through the door pushing the bassinette, "your mom and your Grandpa Mac are being schmoopsy. This is one of those times that we talked about where it's okay to point and laugh."

Rolling his eyes, Mac got to his feet. "Nice to see you returned to your former smart-alecky self" he joked. Bending down, he kissed Robin. "I'll see you later sweetheart."

"Mac, you don't have to leave" Patrick told him.

"I do. The three of you need some time together." As he passed by Patrick, he reached out and gently touched the newborn's hand, eliciting a small satisfied sigh as he did so.

Robin beamed as Patrick brought the baby to the bedside. "You look good" she told him appreciatively.

"I was just thinking the same thing about you."

His heart had leapt as he came through the door. In the last 48 hours she had woken intermittently, and talked a little but it had all been somewhat jumbled or unfocused. Now though, she seemed to be turning a corner.

"It's time for Kathleen's bottle – do you feel up to giving it to her?"

"I'm not sure how well I can hold her" she said softly, "could you…could you help me?"

Leaning in, he kissed her softly. "You bet."

He placed the bottle on the side table and placed a pillow across Robin's lap; then lifting his wriggling daughter up from the crib, set her down on the pillow before sliding in behind her, taking care not to jostle her. He passed the bottle to Robin and then supporting her arms from underneath, helped her to hold Kathleen.

Robin pressed the nipple of the bottle to her lips and her rosebud shaped mouth latched on immediately, sucking greedily on the formula. With a shaky hand, Robin stroked her downy hair.

"Hi my love" she whispered. "I'm sorry I've been sleeping so much. Have you been good for Daddy?"

Patrick dropped a kiss on her shoulder. "She's been great. While you were sleeping we were hanging out in here and I was telling her how amazing you are."

Leaning back against him, feeling the strength in his body, Robin sighed softly. "I can't believe I'm holding our daughter," she whispered.

"I can't believe how amazing you look with her in your arms."

Robin shook her head. "I wasn't ever sure this….this would happen" she admitted quietly. She tilted her head to the side, looking back at him. "You have given me a life that I didn't think was possible."

Patrick shook his head. "I didn't give that to you Robin – you gave it to yourself. You refused to be blocked from what you wanted or to simply accept something as impossible because someone told you it was that way. And those just two of the reasons why I love you."

Kathleen squawked and pushed the bottle from her mouth, looking up in to her mother's eyes. Robin smiled lovingly at her and with Patrick's assistance, sat her up and tapped her tiny back, burping her.

Seeing her arms tremble with fatigue, Patrick carefully retreated from the bed and took his daughter in his arms, holding her up to Robin for a kiss.

"You're such a good girl" Robin cooed tiredly. "Mommy loves you so very much." Patrick kissed her before placing his sleepy daughter back in the bassinette. "Can she stay?" she asked.

Patrick nodded. "She can stay with us for a few hours."

Her eyes were beginning to droop but Robin smiled. "Good." Patting the bed, she looked at Patrick. "Are you getting back in?"

"I don't want to hurt you – you must be pretty sore still."

Looking at her i.v. Robin raised her eyebrows. "Like I can feel anything. Besides," she said shyly, "I'm kind of cold and you could warm me up."

As the corners of his mouth twitched up into a smile, he quickly toed off his shoes and then gently climbed back in behind her. His arms closed around her and Robin melted against him. He whispered several soft, tiny kisses along her neck.

Robin looked over at her daughter sleeping peacefully and let her head fall against Patrick's shoulder. So much about him and about Kathleen were the culmination of dreams she had dared not to imagine. And at the same time they were proof that she could dream big again. There was more for her to accomplish, more for her to experience and she knew now – she understood now – without a doubt that there was nothing to stop her.

Closing her eyes, she gave a small smile. "You're holding on pretty tight," she told him.

His grip loosened immediately. "Am I hurting you?"

She snuggled in further against him. "No, I kind of like it. I'm sorry….I'm sorry I scared you," she said tiredly.

"I'm just glad you're okay" he told her. There would be no feeling that could match quite what it meant for him to be able to hold her now, hold her after coming so close to never being able to do that again.

"Robin?"

"Mmm?" she replied sleepily, fatigue creeping up slowly.

"You know that picture my mom painted? The one with me and the butterfly and the anchor? You are my anchor. She was painting you, even if she didn't know it."


	198. Chapter 205

**Chapter 205**

We are family

"Why does she need a middle name?" Patrick asked as he pulled the car into the driveway.

"How will she know we're angry with her if she doesn't have a middle name?" Robin replied. "Everyone knows the universal measurement of a parent's anger is directly related to whether or not they invoke the middle name."

Chuckling, he shook his head. "You're weird."

It had been eight days since Kathleen's arrival and after several batteries of tests for both mother and baby they finally got the okay to go home; Robin was nearly out of her skin with excitement. As her strength had slowly started to return so did her impatience and by the eighth day, she was talking about making an escape attempt if Kelly didn't release her. She still moved slowly but was less fatigued than she been .Mostly she was just anxious to be at home with her daughter.

Patrick opened the car door and helped Robin to her feet. She leaned against the car while he opened the backseat door and unbuckling the car seat, gently lifted Kathleen from the car.

"I want to carry her in" Robin said. "In my arms."

Smiling, Patrick placed the car seat on the ground and undid the straps. Picking her up, he passed her to Robin, his heart filled to bursting as she cradled their daughter in her arms. He hooked one arm through the car seat and slid the other around Robin as they walked through the front door of the house together.

"Welcome home Kathleen," Robin cooed, kissing her forehead.

Walking slowly, Robin headed for the living room and settled on the couch before unbundling her from her blanket. Leaning against the doorframe Patrick watched, with a wide smile on his face, as Robin covered their daughter in kisses. In the back of his mind there had been a small part of him worried that Robin would be slow to bond with Kathleen after her surgery but his worries had been completely unfounded. There was simply no mistaking the love she had for her and how excited she was to be a mother. There had been a small, almost unidentifiable shift in her since the baby was born. He couldn't quite explain it but it was as though she was at peace – like she was no longer fighting herself.

Feeling his eyes on her, Robin didn't even bother to look up but grinned. "Kathleen if your daddy keeps staring at us, his eyes are going to freeze up."

"I can't help he" he told her as he crossed the floor to join her, "you two are the most gorgeous girls I know."

"He's a charmer Kathleen – but we'll keep him anyways." Leaning over she brushed her lips over Patrick's.

"How are you feeling?" he asked. "Do you want to lie down?"

She was reluctant to say yes. There was a part of her that felt she had missed so much already and she didn't want to miss another minute but it had been a big morning and she could feel her eyes drooping.

"Maybe just for a little bit" she agreed. "But I'll lie down here"

Quirking up an eyebrow, he looked at her quizzically. "You don't want to sleep in our bed? I thought you'd be dying to get under those covers."

She shook her head, smiling. "I want to stay down here in case you get in to trouble and need my help."

"What kind of trouble? My girl and I are just going to hang out and maybe watch some football or something. It's never too soon to get her started on appreciating the finer things in life."

"Epiphany told me."

Narrowing her eyes, he mock glared at her. "Told you what?"

Trying in vain to stifle her laughter, Robin grinned. "How you put the diaper on backwards. Twice."

His cheeks reddened. "They're confusing!" he protested. "They're so little and the tabs don't always make it clear. And-" As Robin laughed heartily, her hands pressed to her stomach, Patrick growled.

"I guess being a neurosurgeon isn't all it's cracked up to be now, is it?"

"You know, when you're better, I'm going to punish you."

A feline smile crossed her face. "I'm pretty sure you punishing me is what brought on labour" she teased. "You don't even know your own strength."

"Oh shut up" he grumbled good naturedly.

It was a moment she had been waiting for, to be able to tease him about the events leading up to her water breaking. She knew he was wracked by guilt and somehow felt responsible for what had happened. She had reassured him in as many ways as she could, telling him outright that none of it was his fault and finally they had reached the point where he didn't seem guilt stricken at the mere mention of it.

She cuddled Kathleen to her as he went in search of pillows and a blanket. Looking down at her daughter, she traced her fingertip along her full lips. "You and I are lucky girls Kathleen," she told her. "Your daddy is a pretty special guy. You are a wonder – our miracle – and we are so lucky to have you." The newborn kicked her legs out and stared up at her mother. Robin kissed her chubby cheek.

Patrick returned and placing Kathleen in the car seat, got Robin settled for a nap. It didn't take long for her to fall asleep once her head hit the pillow.

He carried their daughter out to the kitchen, setting the car seat on the table. "So," he asked her, "what do you feel like doing? Should I show you around? I can't show you your room yet as that's something your mom and I want to do together but I could show you the kitchen. And my 56 inch plasma television with HD. Okay, so the HD may not mean that much to you now but trust me, in a couple of months when you're watching Dora and Diego in HD glory, you'll thank me."

Lifting her up, he held her in his arms and took her on a tour of the kitchen. He pointed out the fridge and showed her the already prepared bottles of formula, he held her up to look out the window at the backyard and promised, when she was older, to build her a tree house. They walked to the family room where he waxed poetically about watching sports in HD on the big screen.

Almost half an hour later she started to fuss and he returned to the kitchen to retrieve a bottle from the fridge. Having warmed it up, he sat down at the table with her in his arms and started to feed her. He could not keep the smile from his face as she sucked hungrily on the bottle. This was not a moment he had ever sought out but now that he had it, he could not imagine living his life without it.

Kathleen pulled away from the bottle and scrunching up her face, promptly spat up on her father. Laughing quietly, Patrick sat her back in the car seat, pulled off his t-shirt, wiped her face and picked her up again. Holding her to his shoulder, he rubbed her back as he paced the floor.

"What's up pumpkin?" he asked her quietly. "Did you eat too quickly? That happens to me sometimes. Well I don't actually throw up but I do get a tummy ache – generally it involved too many wings and too much beer too fast – and it involves Uncle Eric. I know Eric isn't here but if it makes you feel better to blame him, go right ahead."

"Poor Eric," Robin remarked from the doorway. "Getting picked on and he doesn't even know it."

Patrick turned around and grinned unapologetically. "He probably deserves it for something he did somewhere along the way."

Robin's breath hitched in her throat as she stared at her boyfriend – shirtless, jeans slung low on his hips and their daughter pressed happily to his shoulder.

"You know, if I could…..I would so jump you right now."

Patrick's eyes widened in surprise and he quickly covered Kathleen's ears with his hand. "Hey! No sex talk in front of the little one."

Shaking her head, Robin crossed the kitchen and standing on her tip toes, kissed him. "I can't help myself," she told him, "you are all kinds of hot holding her."

Blushing, he stole another kiss. "Do you want to feed her the rest of her bottle?"

Robin nodded and picked the bottle up from the table before heading to the family room and sitting down on the couch. Patrick followed and placed her in her arms before sitting down next to her and draping his arm across her shoulder.

Kathleen readily accepted the bottle again and Robin trailed her fingers along her legs, delighting in her tiny reactions.

"Can I ask you something?" Patrick queried as he curled his fingers through her hair at the back of her neck.

"Of course" she replied softly.

"How…how did it feel when they put her on your chest?"

Exhaling, Robin paused as she considered her answer. Misreading her reaction, Patrick began to backtrack. "If it's too personal you don't have to say anything."

Raising her eyes to meet his, she shook her head. "No, that's not it at all. I want to share this with you I'm just trying to find the words. It was very powerful," she told him. "The cord was pulsing and I could feel that connection between her and me. And I don't know….I don't know if it was my heart or my soul but in that instant I was almost overwhelmed by love. It's very different than the love I feel for you – it just – it felt as though every hardship or hurt was healed and I was ready to embrace everything." Tilting her head to the side, she scrunched up her face. "Does that sound incredibly dumb?"

Patrick shook his head and leaning in, gently nuzzled her neck. "No," he whispered. "When I watched her squirming on your chest I felt like I was suddenly wrapped in a goodness that I didn't know existed."

With a watery smile, Robin nodded. "I needed a miracle and you were it."

"No," he corrected. "We needed a miracle and she's it."


	199. Chapter 206

**Chapter 206**

Glory days

Propped up against the pillow, Robin watched as he tossed and turned restlessly. It was the third night in a row that he seemed to be fighting in his sleep and she was beginning to worry. His brow was furrowed and his lips were in a tight line. Unable to watch him struggle any longer, she put her hand on his shoulder and gently shook him.

"Patrick," she called to him. "Patrick, wake up."

Rolling on to his back he sighed heavily and slowly opened his eyes. Robin softly stroked his cheek with her finger.

"You okay?" she asked. "You looked like you were having a wrestling match."

Nodding, he reached for her and tugged her next to him. He pressed his lips to her forehead and let them linger there as he breathed in her scent, finding comfort as he did so. Robin's hand swept across his chest and she said nothing as they laid together in the dark, their bodies tangled together.

"I think I'm a bad father," he said finally, breaking through the silence.

Robin raised her head slightly and looked at him curiously. "Why….why would you think that?"

His fingers curled through her long, silky hair as he tried to form the words in his mouth. He had been plagued by nightmares since it happened and though he had tried to push it from his mind he hadn't been able to do so. There had been opportunities to raise it with her or his father or Robin but the truth was he was too embarrassed to do so and so he wrestled with himself.

Blowing out his cheeks he pressed another kiss to her forehead. "When…." His voice trailed off and closing his eyes, he tried again. "When you were bleeding out – I ran – I ran down the hall with you in my arms and the minute they took you from me I wanted to curl up into a ball. I didn't….I didn't know what to do"

Turning her head she laid a soft kiss over his heart.

"I think I finally understand my father – I didn't…I mean I wasn't looking for a bottle to crawl into but I understood, in a way I never wanted to, what it was like to want to give up. I didn't want to think of a life without you."

Reaching for his hand, Robin entwined her fingers through his. "Why do you think that makes you a bad father?"

"Because!" he answered urgently. "Because I didn't think of Kathleen. All I could think of was how my world felt like it was falling apart. Our little girl was in the NICU and I didn't think of her, I thought only of myself. I guess the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree."

With great difficulty and an assist from Patrick, Robin pulled herself into a sitting position and leaning over, turned on the light. Patrick's protest was cut short by a shake of her head.

"Confessions are easier in the dark," she said, "but truth at some point needs light."

"Robin-"

"Patrick, you are not a bad father" she stated unequivocally. "You are not."

"My first thoughts should have been about her and they weren't. They were about me."

Taking his hand in both of hers, she pressed it to her chest. "You listen to me Patrick Drake. Our Kathleen is a miracle and a blessing and a gift by any other name but that doesn't mean the rest of our world suddenly stops to become replaced by her. I love our daughter" she told him, looking intently in his eyes. "I love her in ways that I did not know were possible but that is still a very different love from what I feel for you. You were scared and worried and panicked – it's perfectly natural that you were thinking of yourself. I have no doubt that if the worst had happened," she felt his hand tighten in hers, "if it had, you would have picked yourself up and taken care of her."

"How can you be so sure?" he whispered.

"Because I know you" she answered simply. "I know you and I know your heart. And I have watched how love our daughter. Patrick you got sucker punched that day. It's okay that you fell to the mat."

Sucking in his bottom lip, he shook his head. "I don't ever want our daughter to feel like I did" he told her. "I know that my Dad and I are in a good place right now but there was a long time where we weren't and I don't want her to ever experience that."

"She won't" Robin reassured him. "She is a most loved little girl and she will always know that. I have faith in you as a father and I have faith in me as a mother."

"When did you get to be the calm one?" he asked, a hint of teasing in his voice.

"I was always the calm one" she replied with a grin. "It's just taken you a while to notice."

"Robin – I….I fell to pieces."

"And then you picked yourself up," she reminded him. "I woke up to you and our daughter. You picked yourself up."

"I don't want to screw up." He raised his eyebrows as she tried unsuccessfully to stifle her laughter. "Nice to see your support" he groused good naturedly.

"Patrick, it's not a question of if we're going to screw up but rather when and how badly. We are going to mistakes with her and with each other but if I have learned anything in the last year it's that mistakes can be forgiven. Your mom was a wise woman – you told me she said that love is not the answer to every problem but every solution starts with it."

Further conversation was interrupted by a cry from down the hall. Smiling, Robin pushed back the covers and carefully got to her feet. She padded down the hallway and Patrick listened over the baby monitor as Robin cooed and fussed over Kathleen. She was quiet within a minute and he grinned as she came through the door, daughter cradled in her arms.

"She told me she wanted to hang with us for a bit."

"Oh she did, did she?" he asked, pulling the covers back further. With his arms outstretched, he took Kathleen and laid her down on the bed as Robin carefully climbed back in.

Robin rolled on to her side and covered Kathleen's tiny belly with her hand. Patrick, mirroring her position, covered her hand with his and beamed at her.

"Those are definitely your eyes" he said. "And your nose."

"But that is your mouth" Robin countered. "Those full lips – those are all from you."

Sliding his hand from Kathleen's stomach, he picked up her fingers and shook his head. "Look at how long her little fingers are."

Robin nodded. "Those are surgeon's hands."

"Or a piano player" he offered.

"You don't have visions of her carrying on the Drake name in the OR?" she teased.

Patrick shrugged his shoulders. "I hadn't thought about it. I just…I want her to be happy."

"She will be" she answered. "Look at the love between us Patrick – how can a child be unhappy if they grow up surrounded by love? I did and that is what got me through – what gets me through" she amended, "the hard times. I may not have had a traditional family but I did have as much love as any one person could have asked for."

Leaning across the bed, he kissed her softly. "I want her to be like you" he whispered against her lips. "With courage, compassion and strength to spare."

Cupping his cheek, Robin kissed him back. "I want her to be like both of us – to be the best of what we bring. And I know she will be."

Picking up her squiggling daughter, she leaned back against the pillows and laid her on her chest. Patrick scooted over next to them, draping his arm around her shoulders and resting his head on hers.

"I can't believe you don't have any doubts about parenthood."

Looking up at him, she smiled shyly. "I didn't say I didn't have any doubts but I have faith – in us. Look at all we've come through – all we've survived – we're going to be great."

He rubbed his hand along Kathleen's back and felt imbued with love as the young baby sighed sleepily and curled her fingers around her mother's t-shirt. He was in awe of how beautiful Robin looked with their daughter and at how much he loved the simplicity of the moment. It was as though through loving Robin and becoming a father he was finally discovering who he really was.

"Is it everything you thought it would be?" he asked.

Robin pressed a kiss to the top of Kathleen's head and then snuggled in closer to Patrick. "It is," she told him. "And so much more."


	200. Chapter 207

**Chapter 207**

It seems so exceptional, that things work out after all

Patrick opened the door and grinned as Kristina, Molly and Josh pushed their way through with Alexis and Eric following in behind. They had been home for a week and having finally found their groove were inviting friends to come and visit.

Alexis passed two carrier bags to Patrick. "There is lasagne, stuffed cannelloni, chicken casserole and two dozen muffins individually wrapped all ready for your freezer"

His eyes widened. "Did you make all that?"

Giving him an incredulous look, Alexis shook her head. "I like you, why would I try to poison you? All that is a contribution from your pal – he cooked, I supervised."

"Supervised?" Eric snorted. "I'm pretty sure you poured yourself a glass of wine and watched a movie."

"Sometimes, it's best to supervise from afar."

"Aww," Patrick teased, "I love it when married couples bicker."

"Who's bickering?" Alexis asked, "this is foreplay"

Patrick blushed to his roots and grabbing hold of the carrier bags, carried them out to the kitchen.

Robin was already seated on the couch in the family room with the three children huddled around her watching in complete awe as she fed Kathleen her bottle.

"Kristina?" Alexis called from the kitchen, "are you being quiet and gentle?"

"Yes mom – we all are."

Patrick led them down the stairs to the sunken family room and as he and Eric settled into the overstuffed la-z-boy chairs, Alexis joined the crew on the couch.

"She's beautiful Robin" she remarked.

"We think so. Would you like to hold her?"

With her arms outstretched, Alexis nodded. "I thought you would never ask."

Robin placed her daughter in her friend's arms and passed her the bottle. Eric could not help but smile as he watched his wife with the newborn.

"I hear you brought food" Robin said to him.

He nodded. "I remember when my sister had the twins, we stuffed their freezer full of food – enough for about two months – so they wouldn't have to worry about trying to cook in the middle of everything."

"You are very good to us" she told him gratefully.

"Well, I had an ulterior motive actually," he admitted.

Robin raised her eyebrows. "Oh?"

Leaning forward in his chair, he lowered his voice to a stage whisper. "I'm hoping for some compromising photos of Pantsy. You know – baby spit up on him or the diaper on backwards or him soaked to the bone giving her a bath – anything that can cause embarrassment. There'll be more lasagne in your future if you can deliver."

"HEY!" Patrick protested loudly.

Robin grinned. "I'll see what I can do."

"Some girlfriend you are" Patrick grumbled.

She shrugged unapologetically. "Patrick he's offering free lasagne and I know for a fact he's a better cook then either of us."

"Who knew you were so easy?"

Alexis raised her hand, ducking Robin's playful swat to the arm. Looking at the three children Robin smiled. "Would you guys like to hold Kathleen?"

Kristina and Molly jumped up and down, clapping their hands while Josh seemed less sure of the whole thing. Kristina, the clear ring leader of the group, grabbed his hand and pulled him up beside her on the couch while Molly sat on the other side of her sister. Robin, very carefully, laid her daughter in Kristina's lap and grinned as both girls immediately tried to kiss her while Josh tentatively touched her hair.

"She smells yummy" Kristina remarked.

Robin nodded. "You all smelled that yummy when you were new."

"Even me?" Molly asked.

"Especially you" Robin answered, leaning in to kiss her cheek. "You made all the scary stuff disappear when you came out."

Molly never tired of hearing the story of her birth and had once presented Robin with a picture she had drawn showing her with a cape on and an R on her chest – her very own personal superhero.

"We have a question for you Smitty" Patrick began as Robin sat down on the arm of the chair.

"No, I will not pull your finger."

"Har! Har!" Patrick deadpanned before turning his attention to Robin. "Perhaps we need to rethink our choice."

"No way," she smiled. "He keeps you in line and I like it."

With a roll of his eyes, Patrick playfully swatted her behind. "Eric, we would very much like for you to be Kathleen's godfather."

Eric's eyes widened in surprise. "Really?"

Robin nodded. "You are very important to us." She turned to Alexis, "you both are. And it would mean a lot to us if you would be godfather to our daughter."

His cheeks flushed and he looked over to his wife who was smiling happily at him. "I…I would be honoured."

For both Patrick and Robin it had been a short discussion about godparents. Each wanted their best friend and felt strongly their daughter would be well loved with Brenda and Eric in her life. And for Robin, though she had not voiced it to him, it also gave her a measure of comfort that should something happen to her he would have someone he trusted so deeply by his side to help him and that there would be someone who knew her better than she knew herself and would give her daughter all she needed to know about her mother.

Josh slipped from the couch, walked to Eric and kicked him hard in the shins. "NO!" he shouted. "Don't be her godfather!" Hot, angry tears streamed down the little boy's face as a stunned silence fell over the room.

Without hesitation, Eric bent down and scooped him up in his arms. "If you'll excuse us for a few moments."

He carried Josh into the living room and sat him down on the couch. "You kicked me," he told him. "And what is our rule about that?"

Tears continued to fall. "I'm supposed to use…use my words."

"That's right" he answered sternly. "So when we get home tonight there will be no movie and no story time." Reaching for him, he pulled him onto his lap. "Now, do you want to tell me why you're so upset?"

Fisting his small hands into Eric's t-shirt, he looked up at him with watery eyes. "She…she already has a mom and a dad. She doesn't need you."

Recognition dawned over him and hugged the young boy tightly. The legacy of his abuse was so far reaching that he wondered if they were ever going to find the end of it. "Josh" he said softly. "Do you think if I'm her godmother that I'm not going to have time for you?"

Gulping air he nodded. "I only have you" he cried. "And Alexis."

He soothingly rubbed his back. "Buddy, I will always have time for you – always. I love you very, very much. Being Kathleen's godfather isn't going to take me from you. And remember that visit with the judge we had last week?"

Josh nodded as he wiped the back of his hand against his face.

"That was our first visit to make sure that you stay with us forever," he reminded him. "You are always going to have me. I have so much love," he told him, "that I can give some to Kathleen and still have tons and tons and tons to give to you. Okay?"

"Okay" he replied meekly.

"How's it going?" Patrick asked as he came in the living room.

"We're okay," Eric replied. "Josh is just worried that I might not have enough time for him if I'm Kathleen's godfather."

"I see" he replied, sitting down beside them. "You know Josh, one of the reasons we want Eric to Kathleen's godfather is because sometimes a kid needs an adult to talk to who isn't their parents and we think Eric would be a big help to her – like he is to you. We know how much you love Eric and we wouldn't do anything to take him away from you."

"I don't have a godfather" he said in a small voice.

The two friends exchanged a knowing look. "Would you like a godfather?" Patrick asked.

Josh shrugged first, pulling on his bottom lip and then nodded. "Yeah."

"How about if Patrick was your godfather?" Eric asked. "Would you like that? And then if you needed to talk to someone and you didn't want to tell us."

The young boy contemplated the offer as his face broke into a wide smile. Climbing over Eric he threw himself in to Patrick's arms and hugged him tightly. "Okay" he said.

"This is awesome" Patrick said, kissing the little boy's cheek. "And when you're older, I'll tell you all the ways to make Eric crazy."

Josh laughed, relieved that everything was back in balance, and slid down from Patrick's lap and took off to find the girls.

"You're really good with him" Patrick observed.

He smiled appreciatively. "You know, I really believe that there is a child in the universe for everyone who wants one. It may not come in the way that you expect it to but it's there if you want it."

Remembering the moment that Kathleen's wail filled the hospital room and her scrunched up face as she wriggled and squirmed against Robin, he nodded. "There absolutely is a child for everyone – some times when you least expect it."

*****  
Patrick came into the bedroom and peeling off his t-shirt, tossed it in the hamper. Slowly turning around, his sweatpants sitting low on his hips, he noticed Robin staring at him.

"Stop it" he told her, suppressing a smile.

"Stop what?" she asked innocently.

"Looking at me like you're…._hungry_"

Robin pouted. "I am hungry. But I apparently have to fast for another month at least."

"Don't remind me" he groused good naturedly as he pulled back the covers and climbed into bed.

Her fingers danced lightly along his bare chest all the way down to the top of his sweatpants. She smiled at the sharp intake of breath.

"No reason for you to fast" she suggested. "I could….help."

As her hand started to move lower, Patrick closed his over it and pulled it back above his waist band. "Uh-uh," he told her. "I'm not….eating," he rolled his eyes, "until we both can."

"You're my hero" she teased.

Stealing a kiss, he threaded his fingers through her hair. "I'll thank you to remember that when you're thinking of sending compromising photos to my friend."

"A ha! You have an ulterior motive!"

"Maybe." Rolling over, he reached inside the nightstand and pulled out a small black leather pouch. "Which reminds me, I think this is yours."

Taking the pouch, Robin shook out its contents and felt her eyes well with tears as her engagement ring fell into her hand. Forced to take it off when she went into labour, she had been missing it. She slid it on her finger and stared at it, admiringly, for a moment.

Looking up suddenly, her brown eyes danced with excitement. "Christmas Eve."

Patrick furrowed his brow. "What?"

"Let's set a wedding date," she offered. "Christmas Eve. I know it's kind of cheesy and it's three months away but it could be kind of beautiful and it'll be Kathleen's first Christmas – is there a better gift than having her parents marry?"

"Are you sure?"

Robin chewed contemplatively on her bottom lip. "I am. If you are."

Patrick brushed his lips against first her eyes, then her cheeks and then, finally her lips. "I am very, very sure" he whispered. "Christmas Eve it is."


	201. Chapter 208

**Chapter 208**

To love somebody, the way I love you

The gravel crunched underneath the tires as the car wound its way through the narrow pathway. The trees hung heavily with their abundant leaves and the scent of fresh flowers wafted softly on the air. As he brought the car to a stop and looked up, he felt this throat close over. It had been years since he had been here and he was not prepared for the blanket of feelings that unexpectedly fell down around his shoulders.

Taking a deep breath, he opened the door and swung his feet to the road beneath him. He opened the backdoor and retrieved a blanket, hanging it over his arm. He climbed up the tiny hill, spread out the blanket and sat down.

He used to think cemeteries were eerie and void of life but as he sat, staring at the headstone, he could hear birds calling to each other and the breeze softly rustling the leaves. There was life to be seen here it was just quieter.

_Madeline Drake, Beloved wife and mother, 1953-1997_

Reaching out, he traced his fingertips over the engraved name and smiled a little sadly. Centred on the headstone were two wedding bands joined together like a symbol of eternity. Opposite his mother's name was another:

_Noah Drake, 1951-_

He practically cringed as he read it. It had been added in a fit of righteous rage. After one too many nights of pulling his father from a bar and convinced he too was going to die, Patrick had hired the engraver to etch his father's name on the headstone and then told Noah about it. He remembered yelling at him to just go ahead and die already – he was ready for it. Noah had stumbled away, tears in his eyes. It had been one of the last times Patrick had spoken to him until they both wound up in Port Charles, courtesy of Robin.

Shaking his head he could not believe how far they had come since that night – or how far he had come since he first met Robin.

"I haven't been here in a while" he said softly, looking at his mother's name. "I'm sorry about that."

Reaching into his wallet, he pulled out a photo and felt his heart expand as he looked down on it. It had been taken the week before – he and Robin were lying on the floor with Kathleen, almost a month old now – on the blanket. She was looking up at the photographer, her Grandpa Noah, with a toothless smile on her face. The moment Patrick had seen the photo he knew exactly what he wanted to do.

"I'm a dad now." An impish grin formed at the corners of his mouth. "I have a beautiful daughter – Kathleen – and you would love her. You would love her mother too," he added. "They are both so amazing."

Blowing out his cheeks, he smiled as he stole another look at the photo. "I wish you were here; telling me what to do and laughing at my attempts at fatherhood. Do you know that she only spits up on me? It doesn't matter how many times I feed her or how many times Robin feeds her, she only spits up on me. What do you think that's about?"

He chuckled softly and leaned back on the blanket. "This is the longest I have ever been away from them" he said quietly. "It's funny, I used to worry so much about losing my freedom but I finally figured out that freedom requires roots. I don't want to be untethered, I like….I like being tied down." He smirked. "I can hear you laughing at me, you know."

Rolling onto his stomach, still holding the photo in his hand, he shook his head. "On some level I think you pushed Robin towards me or me to her. She's amazing, Mom. She knows how stupid and ridiculous I can be and she still loves me. Being loved by her…I never….I had no idea that anything could feel like that and now to have a child together – to be bound by this tiny little being…" his voice trailed off. "I guess….I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that I'm okay. Actually," he corrected, "I'm better than okay. I'm great."

His eyes pricked with tears and he gave a small shake of his head to push them away. "We're going to get married on Christmas Eve. I can't….I can't wait to be able to call her my wife."

Memories of a life long ago flashed in his memory. He saw his parents dancing around the kitchen as dinner burned on the stove; he could see the look of love in his father's eyes as he watched his wife from across the room at one of their legendary Christmas parties; there was a glimpse of his mother reaching for his father's hand any time they were together – at the grocery store, in the car, at church. And in those memories he got a peek at the future he wanted. He wanted Kathleen to have those memories of her parents – that they loved each other profoundly, that they cherished each other and her and that they were happy.

It was like some mantle had been lifted from his shoulders. It was okay for him to be happy. It was okay for him to embrace the love he felt for Robin and their daughter. Happiness wasn't going to weaken him, love hadn't made him soft – they had strengthened him and sustained him. There was nothing left to run from and everything to run towards.

Kneeling up, he dug a small hole with his fingers at the base of the headstone and placed the picture inside before covering it up with dirt. Leaning in, he kissed his mother's name and smiled.

"I love you Mom."

****  
With Kathleen happily ensconced in her arms, Robin smiled at her daughter. Patrick had departed early in the morning for a trip up to New York City and she, having finally regained all her strength, decided she had her own visit to make.

As the door to Kelly's opened, Robin looked up and grinned. He looked much as he always had but there were hints, small clues as to the battle he was waging and her heart sank just a little. Giving him a small wave, she beckoned him over to the table.

Leaning in to kiss her cheek, he stopped himself short and simply slid into the chair on the opposite side of the table.

"I don't mean to alarm you" Darren teased, "but it seems you have a baby in your arms."

Robin laughed lightly. "Oh my god! How did that happen?"

"I don't know" he said with a shake of his head, "but apparently finders keepers. You look great" he told her.

"So do you" she told him.

"You lie but I like it."

Robin pushed back her chair and getting to her feet, came around the table and placed her daughter in his arms. When he looked up at her in surprise, she shook her head.

"Darren, meet Kathleen. Kathleen, this is my friend Darren."

"Robin, are you sure?"

"Stop being ridiculous and start cooing over how beautiful she is" she chided him kindly as she retook her seat.

He looked down at the happy face staring up at him and could not help but smile. She had chubby, full cheeks and a wide toothless smile and in holding her, in feeling the warmth from her tiny body, he was reminded of what goodness life could offer.

"She really is beautiful," he said softly. "Thank you" he whispered.

"How are you?" Robin asked gently.

With a small shrug, he looked back down at the baby. "I'm okay. I've had two bouts of pneumonia in the last 6 weeks but I'm finally off the antibiotics." As Kathleen sighed sleepily and her eyes grew heavy, Darren felt his own eyes well. "What a gift Robin."

"She is" she agreed. "And you are partially responsible for her being here."

His eyebrows shot up and with a mischievous grin he replied, "Have you told Patrick that? Because I think he might object."

Laughing, she shook her head. "That's not what I mean. You helped me believe she was possible – when I joined the group I was not in a good place – but you helped me change that."

"Robin that was a journey you made on your own" he demurred.

"I don't agree," she replied. "You encouraged me and held me accountable for things I said or did – or didn't do. Both at group and just by being my friend. You made me it okay for me to say things that I had never said out loud before and that – that made it possible for me to fall deeply in love and become a mom. It may have been my journey but you have been a big part of it."

He swallowed down the acrid lump in his throat and smiled shyly. "Thanks."

There were moments where Robin still wasn't sure it was real and she had to pinch herself. It had been a long, winding and bumpy road to get to where she was – happy, complete and in love – and there were times when she had been sure it would never happen but it did. She had much to be grateful for and wanted to share it with everyone who had helped her along the way.

"Melinda and I had talked about adopting" he said quietly. "We had been saving up for it because we'd have to go private."

"You say 'had'" she pointed out.

He nodded. "It was one thing when I was just positive but now with AIDS I can't…I just can't."

"Darren – you still have a lot of life left to live" she said urgently.

A small, sad smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. "Ah, but it's not about quantity – it never has been for me – it's about quality. And I may live many years yet but the reality is I will be sick for much of it and that…..I would not want that for a child of mine."

Robin swiped at the tears that had suddenly formed and shook her head. "I hate this! I really hate this!"

"Me too" he admitted honestly. "But no one gets to do everything they want – life is about sacrifice and compromise and this is one of those times. But I still have the love of a good woman and I have friends – and friends with cute babies," he smiled, "so it's okay."

"How is Melinda coping?"

"She's amazing" he said wondrously. "Other people would have walked away and frankly, who would blame them – no one signs on for this – but she's resolute in her love and her commitment and that is as powerful as any medication they inject into my veins."

His words resonated strongly with him and she thought back to those moments with Patrick – the failure of her protocol, his exposure through the broken condom, the discussion about mortality – and he too was unwavering. It was not necessarily the life anyone dreamed of but she had learned at a young age that love was unable to recognize disease.

"My sister," he began, interrupting her thoughts, "has stopped hugging me or kissing my cheek," he said sadly. "And she's told her kids to not kiss me either."

Robin's brown eyes blazed furiously. "Your sister? YOUR SISTER?"

He nodded. "She's not ignorant – she knows the facts – but she's afraid and you can't dictate another person's fear."

Reaching across the table, Robin took his hand in his and squeezed it. Nights spent in Patrick's arms were never taken for granted – she had spent as many nights alone and untouched as she had being loved and she knew how isolating that could be. It was impossible to know how important the touch of another person was until you had to go without.

"Well I'm not afraid," she said, "nor is Patrick or Kathleen. You are welcome to cuddle our daughter any time."

"Melinda told me the same thing" he told her. "That she wasn't afraid. I tell you Robin, I got one of the truly special people when I got her."

She nodded. "So did I Darren. So did I."


	202. Chapter 209

**Chapter 209**

Where everything you want,  
Where everything you need  
Will always stay

His fingers tangled through her hair as their lips fused together in passionate exploration. Her tongue darted in and out of his mouth teasingly as she pressed her body further against his. Her hands burrowed under his t-shirt in urgent need. He swallowed down a groan as her fingers trailed over his smooth skin, her nails grazing his flat nipples. Feeling his arousal pressing against her, she rotated her hips and smiled against his mouth as she felt him harden.

A pout formed on her lips as he pulled away, breathless and panting. With a lazy smile, he kissed her forehead and wrapped her in his arms. Her brow furrowed, she raised her head and give him a quizzical look.

"Why are we stopping?"

Equally puzzled Patrick shook his head. "We always stop."

"But we don't have to" Robin protested. "Kelly gave me the all clear yesterday."

"I know" he agreed as he traced her lower lip, still swollen from his kisses. "But we don't have to rush these things."

Wriggling free from his arms, Robin sat up. "We don't have to rush these things? Patrick are you….are you….are you less attracted to me?"

"What?" he exclaimed, sitting up in a hurry. "What? No!" Taking her hand he placed it against his still evident arousal. "Does this feel like I'm not attracted to you?"

A small, involuntary smile appeared at the corners of her mouth. "No but….you always – we never….we never delay this kind of stuff. If you're worried about hurting me, don't be. Kelly said I'm good to go."

Not quite sure how to answer her, he was quiet for several minutes. It wasn't that his attraction to her had waned – that simply wasn't possible – but since Kathleen's arrival everything felt different. He felt different, she was different and he wasn't entirely sure what to do with it all.

Disturbed by his silence, she nudged him. "Patrick?"

"I don't know what to do" he blurted quietly.

Scrunching up her face, Robin looked at him. "Um….well….that's never been a problem for you before. In fact, I'm pretty sure you are well versed in what to do."

Smirking, he shook his head. "That's not what I mean." Reaching for her hand, he tugged her to him. "I do know what to do but I don't."

"You aren't making any sense" she pointed out. "Though you are pretty cute when you're confused."

"I…I don't quite look at you the same way-"

"I knew it!" she interjected, trying to pull away from him. "It's because I'm all squishy and stuff, isn't it?"

"Whoa tiger!" He reached for her again and kissed her softly. "I love you and I love your body. You are beautiful just as you are."

She gave him a doubtful look. Her body image had always been positive, give or take the normal foibles and worries that all women have. She had truly loved being pregnant and the changes it brought to her body but now, almost six weeks after giving birth, she was not as sure of herself as she was. Patrick's reluctance to have sex had only reinforced some of the critical voices in the back of her head.

"You said you don't look at me the same way-"

"I don't" he told her. "Robin, I watched….I watched you bring our daughter into this world and it was by far the most miraculous, amazing thing I have ever witnessed. And you did that – all on your own – the rest of us were a supporting cast. But it's made you kind of like a superhero in my mind and I'm….well….I'm…"

"A mere mortal?" she offered, with a small smile.

Smiling, he nodded. "Something like that. Honestly Robin, it feels weird after that to sling your legs over my shoulders and …" His cheeks flushed a deep crimson and for the first time in his life he found himself almost embarrassed to talk about sex.

"Sling my legs over your shoulders and pound me?" she suggested, giggling as his cheeks burned an even deeper shade.

"Yeah" he mumbled.

Robin slid onto his lap, straddling him. Cupping his face, she kissed him tenderly. "Patrick I am not a superhero, though I love you for thinking that. I am the same woman you loved before Kathleen was born; the same woman who had sex with you on the washing machine, on the stairs, on the kitchen table and repeatedly in this bed. I don't want to be treated as a _mother._ I want you to love me and make love to me like we always did. I want you to talk dirty to me, to grope me when you think people aren't looking and I want you to sling my legs over your shoulders."

Patrick buried his head in the crook of her neck and breathed in her heady scent. His hands slipped under her shirt and he stroked her back. "I love you," he whispered.

"I know," she replied softly. "Patrick, things are going to be in a constant state of chaos for us for quite a while but we need to make sure we find time for each other too – to talk and to make love."

She knew it had been one adjustment after another since Kathleen had arrived. Patrick had returned to work after three weeks and trying to coordinate schedules was proving to be almost a full time job. She also knew how important it was for him to be good at this – to prove to himself more than anyone that he could be a good father and a good partner – that he was emotionally available to everyone who needed him.

He nodded his head in agreement. "I'm still trying to sort through it all"

"Me too" she admitted.

Brushing his lips against hers, he let them linger there. "Soon" he told her.

"Very soon."

Snuggling down against him, she brought her head to rest on his chest, sighing happily as Patrick kissed the top of her head.

*****  
As her alarm bleat softly, Robin's eyes fluttered open. Giving a small stretch she looked over at her boyfriend, sound asleep, and stared lovingly at him. She placed a kiss on his bare shoulder and carefully pushed the covers back, swinging her feet to the floor. Rising quietly from the bed, she grabbed her robe and pulled it around her as she headed out of the bedroom.

Pushing open the door to Kathleen's room, she grinned at her daughter who was lying on her back and staring happily at the mobile turning over her head.

"Good morning my love" she greeted her softly. "I'm so happy to see you this morning."

Scooping her up in her arms she did a brief diaper check before cradling her against her shoulder. "Did you have happy dreams?" she asked.

While she and Patrick shared evenly in feedings and diaper duty, she had come to love early mornings with her daughter when she would feed her, give her her AZT and watch the sunrise. Kathleen was tolerating her six week course of AZT very well and Robin remained hopeful that the statistics would bear them out and she would be part of the 98% of newborns who didn't become infected. It had been very important to her that she be the one to give Kathleen her AZT and though Patrick had objected at first, Robin had simply told him for her own peace of mind she needed to be the one.

"Ready to go downstairs?"

Kathleen curled her fingers through her mother's long hair and rested her head on her shoulder as she padded down the stairs.

Robin placed her in the baby seat as she retrieved the medication. She pulled back the dropper and walked back to her daughter, placing the dropper against her lips. Kathleen opened her mouth and Robin delivered the drug to her. As she swallowed it down, Robin felt her eyes well with tears. It was not an unusual reaction for her, in fact every time she administered the medication to her daughter tears filled her eyes.

It was a simple act – providing medication – and it produced complicated feelings. There were feelings of sadness that she had to do it at all; her HIV was always harder to cope with in relation to other people. The nightmare scenario was infecting someone else and the two people she loved more than anything had both been exposed – it was a daily struggle for her. But those feelings of sadness, inevitably gave way to small feelings of joy. She was a mother. Something she had been told long ago would never be possible and while she wished her daughter didn't need such strong medication so early in her life, she marvelled at just how far her journey had taken her.

But this morning, with the sunlight peeking through in slivers through the drapes, the tears in her eyes were mostly because it was the last dose. Kathleen was six weeks old today and today marked the last day she needed antiretroviral drugs. She would have her second HIV test in two weeks and then her final one almost two months later. In her diary, Robin had circled Kathleen's six month birthday as the day they would hopefully know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was negative.

"I love you my baby girl" she cooed to her as she kissed her chubby cheek. "That was the last one, the last of the icky medicine. You took it all like such a star and I am so proud of you. I want you to know Kathleen that I did everything I could – everything – to make sure that you are protected. Your daddy says you are our miracle and you are. I believe – I believe Kathleen – you will be negative."

She swiped at the few tears that trickled from the corners of her eyes before picking her up from the seat and pacing the floor with her. "Your daddy says that if the worst happens he knows you'll be okay because you have me but I don't ever want you to have to come to me for that. I don't ever want to have this in common with you. You are precious and beautiful and I want your world to be limitless. I live fully within my limitations but I don't ever want you to know what that's like. As you grow up I want you to look at the world and only see possibilities."

Sitting up in bed, Patrick listened in through the baby monitor and felt his heart crack.

"I won't be around forever," she told her, "but I'm going to make sure that you're okay. And you will have your Dad to help you with everything too. He's such a good man Kathleen and he loves you so much. My friend Darren says life isn't about the quantity but about the quality and he's right. What I lack in years to give to you I will make up for in quality. You will always have the best of me and will never doubt how much I love you. You are a wanted and loved child and a complete source of joy and you will know that as sure as you know your name."


	203. Chapter 210

**Chapter 210**

Just a little of that human touch

Walking through the front door Patrick called out for Robin and Kathleen but got no response. It had been a long day at the hospital but then again he found any day that took him away from his girlfriend and their daughter to be interminably long. Having made his way to the kitchen, he dropped his bag on a chair and loosened his tie. An opened bottle of wine caught his attention and as he approached the counter, he saw a single wine glass and a note, in Robin's distinctive handwriting, resting against it.

_I'm upstairs. Come and join me. xoxo R. _

A knowing smile formed on his lips as he filled his glass. Taking hold of it, he headed back down the hallway. He quietly climbed the staircase and having reached the master bedroom, leaned against the doorway and smiled. Robin, propped against the pillows, clad only in a red satin robe cradled her wine glass in her hand.

"I've been waiting for you" she purred.

Patrick playfully cocked an eyebrow, "Really?"

She nodded. "Kathleen's Grandpa Mac wanted some quality time with her and is keeping her for a few hours."

"I see," he mused as he took several steps into the bedroom. "So what you are saying is that we have no responsibilities for the next several hours?"

Robin shook her head. "No, we have one responsibility - to get reacquainted. So are you just going to stand there being coy or are you going to join me on this bed any time soon?"

"Have I mentioned how hot you are when you're bossy?" Setting his wine glass down on the nightstand, he toed off his shoes and pulled off his tie. He kept his eyes locked on Robin's as he fingers nimbly freed the buttons on his shirt. Letting it slide from his shoulders, he smirked as she licked her lips. Slinging his hands on his hips he grinned.

"Like what you see?"

Kneeling up, Robin nodded and beckoned him with one finger. "I do. I like that you still somehow seem to find time to hit the heavy bag."

Crawling towards her, he shrugged. "Just trying to make sure you don't go off me." The closer he got to her, the throatier his voice became.

With her arms outstretched, she slid them over his shoulders and drew him closer. "I could never go off you but I'm pretty sure I'm going to get off with you."

Patrick blushed at her boldness. It had been three weeks since he had admitted to her the difficulty he was having reconciling her newfound status as a mother with the deep desire he felt for her. They had talked about it a few more times but he still was not quite able to get out of his own way. Robin finally realized that sometimes you just had to take matters into your own hands and planned on reminding him that she could be a feisty lover along with a loving mother.

Now nearly pressed together, both kneeling, she gasped as his finger trailed lazily down her breast over the cool satin to her already erect nipple.

"You've got quite a dirty mind Scorpio" he told her huskily.

Her mouth closed over his, her fingers curling through the fine hair at the nape of his neck. Patrick moaned as she deepened the kiss. His tongue was almost tentative but hers was insistent and determined, thrusting in his mouth as she pushed him back against the pillows. Swinging a leg over she straddled her hips and pressed her hands to his chest as they continued to kiss wantonly.

Patrick's hands immediately found her waist and tugged impatiently as the slippery tie holding her robe together. Robin smiled as her robe fell open and revealed her body to him. His hands crested the curve of her hips and moved upwards toward her breasts. Palming them, he dragged his thumbs over her nipples and was rewarded with soft bite on his lower lip in response. Delicious shivers worked their way through her body as he pulled his mouth away from hers and suckled softly on her neck. Abandoning herself to the sensations that had been too long dormant in her body, Robin's hands swept across his chest, her fingernails digging lightly into his shoulders. Needing to taste him again she went in search of his mouth, tangling her tongue around his when she found it.

He groaned as her hips undulated against his, his arousal straining painfully against his pants. The tie of her robe slipped from its loops and sailed delicately to the bed. The flash of red caught Robin's eye and as an idea flashed in her mind, a smile appeared on her lips. Reluctantly taking her hands away from him, she picked up the tie with one hand and held it up to him.

"Do you trust me?" she whispered.

Looking from her to the silk tie and back again, he nodded. "Always."

"Put your hands over your head" she commanded.

His erection throbbed insistently at the tone in her voice. With his eyes locked on hers he raised his hands over his head and laid perfectly still as she quickly wrapped the cool silky material around his wrists before threading it through the spindles on of the headboard. She kissed his cheeks, his neck and dragged her tongue along his collar bone. With his eyes clenched shut a low growl escaped from the back of his throat. She rotated her hips over his and looked at his bare torso as her personal playground. She shrugged off her robe and tossed it to the side before returning her ministrations to his chest. She nibbled and sucked and kissed and tasted every square inch of his skin as she worked her way down to his pants. Slowly, almost painfully so, she undid his belt and the button to his pants before sliding her hand inside and cupping him.

"Jesus" he panted, his hips coming off the bed and pushing into her hand. It was hard to tell which was driving him crazier - not being in control or not being able to touch her - either way she was pushing him closer and closer to the edge.

Removing her hand, she tugged his pants down his legs and let them drop off the side of the bed. Leaning forward, she pressed a kiss to his very obvious arousal and smiled as he jerked in response to her warm breath floating through his boxers.

"You are so hard" she said as if it was news to him.

His breathing was bordering on ragged as he stared at her. "You...you've made me this way," he replied, "I guess what I want to know is what you're going to do about it?"

With a feline smile, she curled her hands through the waistband of his boxers and slowly peeled them away from him. She felt him shudder as his arousal sprang forth. "I'm thinking I might do this," she told him, wrapping her slender fingers around his shaft and stroking him lightly.

Her touch was driving him wild and he tried to press further against her in a slient request for more. Dropping her hands, much to his frustration, she kissed his thighs, her tongue drawing small, precise circles against his skin.

"Robin" he pleaded.

Reaching into the nightstand, she pulled out a condom and sheathed him before taking his full length in her mouth.

"Fuck" he moaned, beginning to writhe and strain against his restraints. "Robin, I'm ...I'm not going to last - please untie me"

Looking up at him from underneath his eyelashes and knowing how close his was, she continued to tease him with her tongue until he was almost past the point of no return. Letting go of him with a pop, she crawled back up his body and quickly untied the knot, freeing his hands. He moved with lightning speed, sweeping her underneath him, spreading her legs so she cradled him with her hips and thrusting deep and hard inside of her.

Their bodies found their natural rhthym together and they moved as one as their mouths feasted hungrily on each other. They pushed towards their climaxes with urgency and need, their cries filling the bedroom. Both stilled before shuddering and coming hard. Patrick collapsed breathlessly on top of her. As he regained his bearings he rolled off of her but wrapped her in his arms.

"That...that was amazing" he told her as he kissed her forehead.

She nodded. "And we are officially two months from our wedding day today - consider it an early present."

"Do you.....do you think married sex is going to be this good?" he asked, threading his fingers through her hair.

"I'm pretty sure it's going to be better" she stated. "But we should make sure we get lots of practice in just to be sure."

Closing his mouth over hers, Patrick kissed her with a languid passion. "You know what they say."

"No, what?"

"Practice makes perfect."


	204. Chapter 211

**Chapter 211**

And there's reason to believe

Patrick stared in complete disbelief as the FedEx delivery man continued to unload box after box in the entrance. He stopped counting after 10 boxes and groaned silently as he saw him return with another four. Not even Robin rubbing his arm could tear his eyes away from the now crowded entrance.

"Tell me again," he said.

Sighing quietly, Robin suppressed her smile. "We are exactly four weeks from the wedding and Brenda has had a few things shipped here - some decorations and other sundries" she said. "She and Alexis are coming over later and we're going to assemble the decorations."

Brenda had been in town exactly three days and when she realized the state of unreadiness for the wedding, she went into overdrive trying to make up for lost time. Patrick had just been trying to stay out of the way ever since as he knew in a battle between the groom and the maid of honour, the groom always loses.

"Do you want to stay and help us put stuff together?" she asked, knowing full well what the answer would be.

Finally pulling his gaze from the boxes, now numbering close to twenty, he looked at his girlfriend and shook his head. "No."

Grinning, Robin patted his shoulder. "It'll be okay Patrick, you can't actually catch estrogen from wedding decorations."

"I'm not sure that's been medically proven" he deadpanned. "I'm going to go and hang out with Eric for a while. Do you want me to take Kathleen?"

"Are you kidding?" She gave a small shake of her head. "Do you have any idea what would happen to me if Brenda showed up here and her goddaughter was nowhere in sight?"

A slow smirk formed on his face. "You're afraid. You're afraid of your best friend."

"NO!" she protested in vain. "Not afraid....just aware."

Sliding his arms around her waist, he pulled her to him and kissed her with infinite slowness. "It's okay" he told her against her lips, "your secret is safe with me."

******  
The light snow crunched underfoot as he walked up the pathway towards the house. The sound of children's laughter echoed loudly across the yard as he rounded the bend he was greeted by the sight of Kristina, Josh and Eric putting the finishing touches on their tiny snowman.

"Smitty it's so nice to see you find someone your own age to play with" he teased.

The two children turned, faces beaming brightly and ran towards Patrick calling his name, practically tackling him. He hugged them both tightly and then tucked one under each arm as he walked towards Eric.

"Anything you want me to do with them?" he asked as the kids squealed in delight.

"I think we'll take them inside and make them do their homework" he joked

"NOOOO!!" they both cried.

"No?" Eric challenged. "Hmmm. Maybe then we should take them inside, make them some hot chocolate and let them watch a movie?"

"YAY!!"

"Seems like you have a winner" Patrick remarked as he carried them inside the house before setting them down.

The two tore off to the playroom while Eric got the hot chocolate ready. "Coffee? Beer?" Eric asked, plugging in the kettle.

"Beer would be great. Molly not around?"

He shook his head. "She's with Alexis at your house for wedding decorations - which is why I assume you are here, seeking a safe haven?"

Chuckling, Patrick nodded. "Something like that."

Filling two mugs with boiling water, Eric carried the steaming hot chocolate into the kids before returning to the living room and joining his friend on the couch.

"The kids seem happy" Patrick observed.

He nodded. "They are. Those two are closer than two peas in a pod - they are constantly joined at the hip - it's kind of nice to see."

"You've done great work with Josh."

It had not escaped anyone's notice that the once quiet and timid boy was truly coming into his own. He spoke more loudly, melted down less, laughed more and his near nightly nightmares were slowly receding. He was affectionate with those he trusted and stopped flinching at every loud noise and bang. Even his health seemed more stable over the last few months. Eric continued to pray for a transplant sooner rather than later but overall was thrilled with the progress Josh had made.

"I didn't do it on my own," he demurred. "Alexis has played a big part there too. One of the great things about being married is having someone to help shoulder the load. Speaking of which, one final month of singledom for you. Are you ready to give it all up?"

Patrick took a long drink from his beer before answering. "Truthfully? I gave it up a long time ago. You know, I still remember the day she practically kicked in the OR doors and found me in flagrante on the table." He shook his head in amazement. "I think I knew my life was about to change, I just had no idea how."

"If you ask me I think you were ready for it to change. You were definitely in a rut."

He agreed. "Yeah. I know I always said I never wanted this-"

"Because you were afraid if you got it, it would be taken away."

Patrick smiled and nodded. "I didn't want to be my father."

"And you aren't. You are your own man making your own choices." Leaning foward he brought his elbows to rest on his knees. "I was sure you were never going to let this happen and that made me sad for you."

Exhaling slowly, he mirrored his friend's position. "Well I certainly did my best to fuck it up but I'm glad I didn't because look at everything I would have missed. I know....I know we're in a race against time and I'm never - I'm never going to get to do everything I want with her. But watching her and Kathleen over the last three months and knowing what it means to love them, I would take every minute of that I can, even with the inevitable pain to come, rather than not to have experienced it at all."

Eric was quiet for several minutes. He was absolutely amazed at how far his friend had come from their days in Manhattan. What he had never told him and had no intention of sharing was that he remembered some of Patrick's ramblings when he sat at his bedside, encouraging Eric to fight. He remembered him talking, in the wee hours, about how some day he really did want it all but was so confident he would fail that it was better not to try. Looking at his friend now he knew the axiom was true - fortune truly did favour the brave.

"Have you written your vows yet?" he asked when he finally spoke.

The corners of Patrick's mouth twitched upwards. "More or less," he admitted. "I know what I want to say and now I'm just kind of waiting to get that chance. I never thought I would be the one rushing to get married but I wish Christmas would just hurry up and get here already"

Eric laughed lightly shaking his head. "So far gone" he teased.

"Look who's talking, Mister Mom." Holding up his beer bottle, he extened to the neck towards Eric. "To the love of a good woman."

Clinking bottles, he nodded. "And to finally finding family."

*****  
The three women sat at the dining table making roses out of layers of tule. Brenda had set up the room with military precision and had them working in tandem but despite her bossy efforts they were still laughing loudly and enjoying themselves. Molly was ensconced on the couch with Kathleen watching a Dora video and taking great pains to explain the intricacies to the young baby.

As Brenda moved about the room in an almost frantic pace, Robin filled Alexis' wine glass before turning her attention to her best friend. "Bren, have you considered a few less espressos?"

"What?" she asked distractedly as she rifled through a box.

"Less caffeine. Less Red Bull. More sedatives?" she offered.

Placing another set of tulle on the table she looked at Robin. "Oh. You're making fun of me."

Taking a drink of her wine, she nodded. "Yup. Pretty much."

"You mock me now but you'll be thanking me when the church looks completely magical. And since there are no such thing as fairies, the magic isn't going to just happen by itself."

Laughing, Alexis got to her feet and practically dragged Brenda to a chair. "You need wine" she told her, pouring her a glass. "And some valium. It's not often I'm in a room with someone more neurotic than I am so thanks for this."

Seeing her friend's brown furrow Robin leaned foward. "Brenda, you're like a woman possessed. Take a minute to stop and smell the roses" she told her, holding up one of the finished decorations.

The tension broken, Brenda laughed and took a slow sip of her drink. "I am being a little crazed, aren't I?"

Robin nodded. "But hey, better you than me! There will be no bridezilla stories to tell about me."

With a sheepish smile, Brenda set her drink down on the table. "But this is your only wedding and I want it to be amazing for you."

"Oh I don't know," Robin joked breezily, "I could be like Elizabeth Taylor and get divorced and remarried a ton of times! We could be doing this over and over again for years!"

With a serious expression on her face, Brenda shook her head. "You won't. This is your only wedding. You've been waiting your whole life for Patrick and now that you found him, you won't let him go. And I....I've been waiting a long time for you to be this happy." The former model's eyes welled with tears and much to her chagrin, several trickled down her cheeks.

"Oh Bren!" Robin exclaimed jumping from her chair and taking her friend in her arms. "Don't cry."

"I'm sorry," she apologized, wiping her tears. "I just...I remember all of it" she replied with a shrug. "Stone, Jason, heartbreak and your belief that you would never be loved again. I didn't believe that - I was sure that there would be someone who would know you for the incredible person you are and I'm just so glad that you found him - or he found you."

"I found him" she said with a laugh, retaking her seat. "I walked in on him having sex and told him to finish up and make it quick because I needed a miracle and he was it. I had no idea how right I was at the time." Sipping her wine, she smiled. "I know there a lot of people who would look at me and not consider me lucky but I don't agree with them. I mean, I would love a life without HIV but I do know that I've been taken down a path because of it and some amazing things - incredible things - have happened to me along the way. I fell in love - a deep, unrestrained love with a man who gives me so much more than he realizes. I have a baby girl who is beautiful and awe-inspiring and a gift and I have special friends," she smiled looking at the two women, "who have loved me and supported me without condition. I may not live long enough to comb grey through my hair but I will live each day being loved and loving and that has been worth everything to get here."

The three women clinked their glasses together.

"To being brave enough to love freely" Alexis toasted.

"To finding someone to love freely" Brenda offered.

"To being loved by friends and family."


	205. Chapter 212

**Chapter 212**

One love

As they pulled out of the driveway Patrick looked at Robin from the corner of his eye. "Tell me again," he asked.

With an exaggerated sigh, Robin rolled her eyes. "Maxie is an excellent babysitter. She knows first aid, knows all the numbers for the hospital and her and Kathleen are going to be fine." As the tiniest of smiles formed on her lips, she carried on. "Who could have ever guessed that out of the two of us, you would be the worrier?"

"Shut up" he groused good naturedly.

She placed her hand on his thigh and gave it a small squeeze. "Patrick, this is our bachelor party and we are one day from being married. We have earned good luck and worry free days."

Exhaling slowly, he nodded. "I know but it's just…leaving her with someone else – with anyone else," he amended, "is so hard."

"I know," she reassured him, curling her fingers through his, "but we can't wrap her in cotton. She's going to get bumps and bruises and she's going to be fine. You and I both were."

"I hate it when you're more rational than I am," he told her, his eyes still firmly glued to the road.

"I always was," she teased, "you just never noticed."

As they pulled into the parking lot a Jake's, Patrick shook his head. "Tell me again why I'm marrying you?"

"Because no one else will have you" she replied with a grin. "And you love me."

"Right," he smiled. "I knew there was something there."

Both of them had turned down offers of a bachelor and bachelorette party, neither particularly interested in celebrating the end of singledom but their friends had insisted and with a few guidelines in place had finally allowed them to organize a small party at Jake's.

As they pulled open the doors to the bar it was clear that their definition of small and their friends' definition were two entirely different things. The bar was packed with what seemed like half the town and the seedy décor had been replaced, albeit temporarily, with bright balloons, streamers and quite possibly the largest mistletoe either of them had ever seen.

Brenda spotted them first and bounded over. "Thank god you're here! I thought maybe you had tried to make a get away and elope to Vegas or something."

Patrick's eyes widened as he looked at Robin. "That's an option?" Grabbing her hand he pulled her towards the door. "Let's go!"

"Not so fast buster!" Brenda commanded, grabbing hold of his arm. "That ship has sailed."

"Dammit" he muttered under his breath.

"Pardon me?" the fiery brunette asked.

"I said I'm thrilled to be here" he replied with a grin.

"That's what I thought. Come on in - Coleman has made some special drinks in your collective honour and we are selling pool games against Robin for $10 each."

"Against me?" she asked in surprise. "Why me?"

"Because you will win. Your husband to be, according to his best man, does not possess any talents on the pool table."

Scrunching up his face, Patrick shook his head. "I wouldn't say I don't possess any talents, in fact I'm quite good on the pool table."

"Lalalalalalalalalalalala!" Brenda sang with her ears plugged.

As they came through to the main part of the bar, they were almost overwhelmed by well wishers. Neither of them had any idea the number of people who wanted to share in their happiness. They shared several laughs with Epiphany, Elizabeth and some of their closest colleagues who had all shared a front row seat to their burgeoning relationship. Darren and Melinda joined in wishing them well and Robin hugged them both tightly.

Sonny spent almost an hour speaking with Robin in a far corner, mostly away from prying eyes, in which he reiterated to her how immensely proud he was of her and she had accomplished. Several tears trickled from the corners of her eyes when he told her what he was most proud of, what he was most impressed with, was the way she had opened herself up to love again when many others, including himself, had held on to the pain and the grief of loss until it practically debilitated them.

Patrick played pool with Eric. The two friends said little – few words were ever needed between them – but both were grateful to be in the moment with the other. They had each come so close to missing it, to missing out, and neither of them took it for granted.

As Robin found Brenda through the crowd of people, she grabbed two drinks and then commandeered her friend to a booth.

"I'm really glad you're here," she told Brenda.

Brenda smiled. "I wouldn't have missed any of this for the world. Look at all these people Robs, they're here for you because they love you and they are so excited for you."

"I'm really quite a lucky girl. But mostly I'm really lucky because you are my best friend. You and I have seen each other through terrible times and good times and I want you to know that there isn't anyone on this planet that I would have rather had by my side than you. You pushed me when I needed it, held me up when I couldn't stand and you loved me through everything. So in case I haven't said it before – thank you for being my friend."

Brenda smiled lovingly at the woman she had long considered a little sister and reaching across the table, squeezed her hand. "Right back at you."

Both women jumped as Brenda's watched started to bleat loudly and seeing Robin's curious look, she smiled sheepishly. "We have a small surprise for you and Patrick and well….I have things running on a schedule around here. So if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get things set up."

Watching as her best friend dashed from view Robin could do little but shake her head. Easing her way from the booth she saw Patrick looking for her. Sidling up to him she slipped her hand inside of his.

"You look perplexed," she remarked.

"Look over there," he said, jerking his head towards the front of the bar. Mac, Noah and Brenda were deep in conversation.

"Oh god," Robin groaned, "nothing good can come from that."

"I know" he agreed, taking a sip of his beer. "One more day and then we're married and we can tranquilize Brenda," he teased.

Brenda tried in vain to call for people's attention but when they continued to ignore her, she climbed on the bar and let out a loud wolf whistle. The crowd quieted down immediately and Brenda climbed down ceding the floor to Mac and Noah.

"As you all know, tomorrow Robin and Patrick will be married and tonight we have all gathered together to bid them good luck as they start their journey together" Noah began. "And in that spirit, we thought it would be appropriate-"

"And fun!" Mac chimed in.

"And fun," he agreed, "to take a look back at how they got to this point."

"This video was the brainchild of some friends who will remain nameless unless either the bride or the groom would like to cough up some cash," Mac said. "And it is a reflection of the love and affection that your friends and your family feel for you. Enjoy!"

The lights dimmed, a video screen was pulled from the ceiling and music began to swell through the bar as the first images appeared on screen. There were photos of Patrick in Mattie's arms on his first day home from the hospital; Robin in a high chair being fed by Filomena; Patrick's first steps and Robin colouring on a wall.

The room erupted in laughter as a short clip of Patrick, aged three, naked in the tub appeared showing him giggling at the bubbles he was making in the water.

He held Robin in front of him, his arms around her waist, as newer photos appeared – Robin with her parents; Patrick winning first prize in the science fair. She reached for Mac's hand as a photo from the Nurses' Ball showing him wrapping her in a quilt square appeared and Mac returned her squeeze with a watery smile.

There were photos from college, Halloween parties, Christmases and Thanksgivings. Noah and Patrick shared a look as the picture from his med school graduation appeared. Noah had worked very hard to be sober that day and while there was obvious distance between them in the photo, it was a reminder that Patrick had not marked that milestone alone.

The music changed to a slow lilt as the remaining pictures were of them as a couple – at the Rangers game, at Christmas and celebrating New Year's in Scotland. There was a fast edit of Robin's growing belly through the months and a precious photo of Patrick asleep in the rocking chair with Kathleen in his arms.

A new video clip appeared and Robin gasped as both of her parents appeared on the screen.

"Luv," Anna began, "your father and I both wish very much that we could be with you tomorrow, to celebrate this special day with you but alas despite our best efforts it was not meant to be. But we want you to know how proud we are of you and the woman you have become. Your Patrick is a fine man and we could not have chosen better for you if we had picked him ourselves."

Robert nodded. "We cannot wait to meet our granddaughter and look forward to spending some time with you very soon. Until then, know we love you and we wish you nothing but happiness. You are in good hands, as you've always been, with Mac and we look forward to hearing all about your special day. We love you Robin."

"With all our hearts" Anna added as she blew a kiss to the camera.

Robin wiped at her tears and Patrick, leaning forward, nuzzled her neck.

The video continued with a series of pictures of Kathleen, ending with a final shot of Robin and Patrick lying on their bed with their daughter cradled between them.

Loud applause filled the room as the lights came up and Noah and Mac called for everyone's attention.

"They say," Mac began, "that it takes a village to raise a child but I also believe it takes a village to support and honour a family. And so, Patrick and Robin as you look around this room know that your village is behind you, supporting you and loving you and we will be doing all we can to ensure your continued successes both professionally and personally. You are both, along with wee Kathleen, very important to all of us and we are filled with joy that you have found each other."

Noah raised his glass. "To Robin and Patrick!"


	206. Chapter 213

**Chapter 213**

Love is a temple  
Love, a higher law

Feeling Patrick's lips against the back of her neck, Robin smiled sleepily and snuggled in against him. His arms were around her waist and she closed her hands over his.

"It's our wedding day," she murmured.

"I know" he whispered.

Turning in his arms she gently stroked his cheek. "I cannot wait to be your wife."

He closed his mouth over hers, his tongue slipping between her lips as his hands drew her closer to him. Robin moaned softly as she lost herself in the sensation of his kiss before reluctantly pulling away.

His eyebrow quirked up in a challenge. "You're really sticking to that no pre-wedding sex thing, aren't you?"

Smiling, she nodded. "Just think how great it will be tonight!"

Dipping his head he let his lips hover over hers. "I have news for you, it's great every night." Blushing, she shook her head in disbelief. "I'm going to get in the shower, spend some time with Kathleen and then head over to the church to get dressed."

"Okay," she replied, sweeping her hand over his chest. She paused as she touched his tattoo. Peering closer, she traced her finger over the heart of the claddagh. "When did you get that?"

Looking down at the small 'K' that he had added to the left of the R, he smiled. "A couple of days ago. I told the guy to make it small though, I'm hoping to add others."

"God, I love you" she sighed.

Patrick stole another quick kiss before kicking back the covers. "Me too."

He showered and dressed before joining Robin and Kathleen in the kitchen. They fed her together and with great assistance, helped her unwrap her first Christmas gift. It was a tiny silver locket from both of them with their pictures inside and on the back it was engraved _Love Mom and Dad_.

Patrick lingered as long as he could, reluctant to leave his girls but as he heard Brenda and Alexis outside the door he grabbed his coat, stole several more kisses and slid past them on the way to the church.

Robin watched as he drove away and turning around, she smiled at her friends. "The next time I see him he's going to be waiting for me at the foot of the altar."

"Then we better get you dressed!" Brenda exclaimed and the three of them got to work.

******  
Patrick, clad in a jet black tuxedo, fidgeted with his tie as he paced restlessly in the anteroom of the church. Eric, seated in one of the wingback chairs, stared on in amusement.

"If memory serves I think you told me at my wedding that you were going to be a cool cat come your day. No nerves whatsoever."

"I'm not nervous" he replied quickly. "I just want to get this show on the road. Do you know if they're here yet?"

With a smile, Eric nodded. "I had a text from my wife, they are on their way."

"Good, good." He rubbed his hands together as he continued to pace. A knock at the door nearly made him jump from his skin.

Smirking, Eric got to his feet and opened the door.

"How is my son holding up?" Noah asked.

"Come in and see for yourself" Eric said. "I'll go see how the ladies are doing."

Noah closed the door behind him and smiled proudly at his son. "How are you?"

"Ready to get married already" Patrick replied. Looking at his father in his dark suit with a beautiful cranberry coloured rose pinned to his lapel, Patrick smiled. "You clean up nicely."

"Why thank you. You don't do too badly yourself." Clearing his throat, he smiled nervously. "I just….I guess you normally wish the groom luck at this point but I don't think you need it. I don't think you need luck because finding Robin, falling in love and surviving everything you have come through wasn't by chance. So I won't wish you good luck but I will tell you that I am incredibly proud that you are my son and I love you very much."

Momentarily overcome, Patrick paused before hugging his father tightly. "I love you too Dad. And I'm really glad you're here to share this with me."

"I have something for you," he said, reaching inside his jacket pocket. Pulling out an envelope, he passed it to him.

Patrick sucked in a breath as he took it and recognized his mother's handwriting. _To my son, on his wedding day. _

Taking a seat in the recently vacated wingback chairs, he slid his finger underneath the seal and opened the letter. When Noah made a move to leave, Patrick looked up and shook his head and motioned to his father to sit down. He didn't want to be alone for this. He was done being alone.

_My darling Patrick,_

Today is your wedding day and I would give anything to be there by your side, with you and your father, to witness you make your commitment to the woman you love. Though I cannot be there in person, trust that I am there in spirit, I am always with you in spirit.

Marriage is not an easy thing, despite what anyone tells you. But like most things in life that which requires great effort delivers the greatest rewards. There are no real secrets to a successful marriage but know that a little patience, kindness and compassion go a long way to making everything better. If your marriage is based on a strong foundation of love, and I am sure it is, it can survive anything.

I have no doubt in my mind the woman you are about to marry is incredible in every way because she would have to be for you to love her. Cherish her Patrick. A love like this is not to be taken for granted, ever. Talk to her, hold her hand, dance her around the kitchen. Tell her she's beautiful, tell her she's smart and let her know that your life is better and more complete with her in it because that, my darling boy, is what being in love means.

I have loved your father from the moment I met him and I cannot imagine a life without his love in it. I wish that for you. I wish for you to share with your wife what your father and I have shared. We didn't have the gift of long years in our marriage but the gift of love was much greater and made up for any shortfall.

I wish a life blessed with children and happiness. While I wish I could see the man you have become, I have every faith that I would be proud of you.

I love you very much.

Love,

Mom. 

*****  
Eric knocked on the door the other anteroom and smiled lazily as Alexis opened it. Dressed in a long green dress, her brown eyes seemed to sparkle and he was reminded yet again, though he needed no reminder, of just how beautiful his wife was.

"You look handsome," she told him.

"And you make it hard to breathe," he replied, brushing his lips over hers. "Is it possible to see the bride for a moment?"

Alexis looked over her shoulder and Robin nodded. Standing out of the way, she let her husband through the door.

Eric stopped as he saw her and gave a low whistle. "Patrick's head is going to explode when he sees you."

"That's the general idea" she teased.

He kissed her cheek. "You're beautiful."

"Thanks. How is my husband to be doing?"

"Pacing a hole in the carpet" he laughed. "But other than that he's fine." Reaching into his pocket, he pulled a small box. "This is a little something I wanted you to have. You….You took a chance on my best friend and I'm really glad you did."

Robin smiled and took the box from him. Prying it open she saw a small silver disc with Michael the Archangel on the front, flipping it over she saw the engraving on the back. _A warrior._

"Eric," she whispered.

"Thank you for fighting for him and for not giving up."

She hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek. "I could never give up on him."

A second knock at the door brought Mac to the room. Eric returned to the groom's room and Brenda and Alexis stepped into the hall to do a last minute check on the church.

Mac stood in the centre of the room, gazing lovingly at his niece with tears in his eyes. "You are more beautiful than I ever could have imagined" he told her.

Wiping carefully at her eyes, she shook her head. "Stop it Uncle Mac, you aren't supposed to make me cry."

He folded her into his arms, taking care not to crease her dress. "I love you Robin. I love that you took this chance with Patrick. I am in awe, as always, with the woman you have become and with the quiet courage you display every day in living your life. Being your uncle, raising you, has been the greatest privilege of my life."

"Uncle Mac – the woman I have become is largely down to how you raised me. I love you."

"I love you too sweetheart," he replied, kissing her forehead. "I have something for you – it's from Noah and he's asked me to give it to you." Mac pulled an envelope from his pocket and handed it to her.  
_  
To my daughter-in-law on her wedding day_"Do you want me to go?" he asked as she carefully studied the envelope.

Shaking her head, she reached for his hand. "No, please stay."

Sinking to the chair, she opened it and with a slightly shaky hand unfolded the letter.

_Dear Daughter-in-law,_

How I wish I knew your name! But unfortunately I am not so blessed as to be able to share this day with you and my son.

Robin gasped as she realized who the letter was from.

_I have no doubt you are an extraordinary woman. I hope that you are patient as well because being married to a Drake man requires an ample amount of it! If I could give you any advice about the family you are about to marry into it is this – never doubt how much Patrick loves you. It has been my experience that Drake men are slow to embrace love but once they do, they do it completely and they do it for life._

Patrick has always been shy when it comes to expressing his feelings – he and his father share some antiquated macho ideal – but he has a bit of his mother in him too and if you are patient with him, he will reveal his whole heart to you. He will be a good husband because he has lived with that example. While his father and I never saw our golden years together, each day married to him was golden and I wish the very same for you and Patrick.

I wish for you both a home filled with love and passion and children. Being loved by a Drake man is a wonderful and exceptional gift and I hope that every day with Patrick brings you joy.

Welcome to the family – we are lucky to have you.

Love,

Mattie Drake.

Robin swiped again at the tears before carefully folding the letter and placing it back in the envelope. Smiling happily she stood up and looked at her uncle.

"It's time for me to get married."


	207. Chapter 214

**Chapter 214**

It's been a long time running  
It's been a long time coming  
But it's well worth the wait

Kathleen, clad in a red velvet dress, wriggled in her father's arms as he stared down the aisle, waiting for his fiancée to arrive. Brenda, in a long satin purple gown, had just finished her slow stride to the foot of the altar and now the entire congregation was on its feet, holding its breath for the first appearance of the bride. As the opening notes of Pachelbel's _Cannon in D _swirled through the church, the doors opened and Patrick felt his lungs push out all the air from his body.

Robin, her arm hooked through Mac's, paused at the top of the aisle and beamed a most beatific smile at Patrick. Her gown, strapless white silk with an a-line skirt, had a bright red ribbon the colour of Kathleen's dress, wrapped around her waist. To Patrick she looked like a gift waiting to be unwrapped.

As she took her first few steps down the aisle she was overwhelmed by how full the church was. It was filled with friends, family and well wishers and her only thought as she made her way to the man she loved was that she wished each and every one of them a moment as filled with pure joy as the one she was experiencing.

The walk to him seemed almost interminable but she could not complain for the sight of their daughter being cradled in her father's arms was as heart filling as anything she had ever seen. Having finally reached the altar, they paused and Mac leaned in and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

"I love you Robin and I wish that you are as happy every day in your life as you are today."

She smiled and squeezed his hand. "Thank you for supporting me," she told him quietly. "Today and every day. I would not be here without you."

Mac took his seat in the front pew as Robin stepped towards Patrick. Reaching out, she hugged her daughter and kissed her cheek, before rising on her tip toes and brushing her lips against his.

Turning around, Patrick passed Kathleen to Noah. Retaking his place at the altar, he held out his hand to Robin and smiled broadly as she slipped hers inside his.

The priest spoke eloquently about the value of love and how while many view a wedding as a destination to reach in the journey of a relationship, it is a beginning not an ending. Looking at Patrick he invited him to recite the vows he had written to Robin.

"Before I met you," he began, his voice trembling slightly, "my life was cut and dried – black and white. I lived inside the margins I had established and never ventured out of my comfort zone. You changed all of that for me. You burst into my life with colours blazing brightly around you. You pushed me outside of my comfort zone and taught me the value of colouring outside the lines. I learned, by being with you, that love sustains, love empowers and love completes unfinished circles. You have already stood by my side through difficult times and that I am standing here today is as much a testament to your love and devotion and faith as it is to medical science. I have never been as total – as completely loved by another person as I am by you and the gift of our daughter is as great a miracle as I will ever know. I pledge before our friends and family to love you for the rest of our lives."

Robin blinked away the tears that had formed, giving him a watery smile.

"Do you have the ring?" the priest asked.

Patrick turned to Eric, who reaching inside his jacket pocket, pulled out the delicate platinum band and handed it to his best friend. He clapped his shoulder in a sign of support.

As the priest recited the lines, Patrick slipped the ring on Robin's finger and repeated them.

"With this ring, I give you my promise that from this day forward you will not walk alone. May my heart be your shelter and my arms be your home. May we walk together through all things. May you feel deeply loved, for indeed you are. With this ring I give you my heart for I have no greater gift to give. I promise I shall do my best. I shall always try. I feel so honoured to call you my wife. I feel so blessed to call you mine. May we feel this joy forever." *

She looked down at the sparkling band and looked back at him, beaming joyfully.

"Robin, would you like to say your vows?"

Inhaling sharply, she nodded. "Every moment I have experienced in my life, good or bad, has been preparing me for you. Everything has been about preparing my heart to love you and to be loved by you. You often call me brave or courageous but the truth of the matter is you are equally brave and courageous. You love with your whole heart and to be on the receiving end of that is truly something extraordinary. We have a daughter – a living, breathing testament to the power of love and watching you as her father is a joy unlike any I have ever known. I know….I know that I come with circumstances that could be considered less than ideal."

She smiled as Patrick's hand tightened around hers. It was not the most romantic of topics but she felt it needed to be said – she wanted to acknowledge it especially on this day because like it or not, her health would be a big factor in their lives forever.

"But you have loved me in spite of and sometimes because of those circumstances. Your love of me has allowed me to feel freer than I have ever felt. In your eyes I feel beautiful and special and adored and it takes a truly special man to give that. I thank God every day that I have found you."

Turning to Brenda, she held her hand out for the ring. Taking the thick platinum band, she slid it on his finger while repeating the priest's words.

"With this ring, I give you my promise that from this day forward you will not walk alone. May my heart be your shelter and my arms be your home. May we walk together through all things. May you feel deeply loved, for indeed you are. With this ring I give you my heart for I have no greater gift to give. I promise I shall do my best. I shall always try. I feel so honoured to call you my husband. I feel so blessed to call you mine. May we feel this joy forever."

The priest looked at the happy couple and grinned. "By the power invested in me, it gives me enormous pleasure to pronounce you husband and wife. What God has joined together, let no man put asunder. You may now kiss your wife."

A wide grin appeared on Patrick's face as he stepped to her. With infinite tenderness he cupped her face in his hands and softly closed his mouth over hers. Their breath mingled as they each luxuriated in the lazy passion of the kiss. Slowly, reluctantly, they pulled apart but left their mouths hovering.

Gently clearing his throat, the priest smiled at the guests. "Ladies and gentlemen, friends and family – I present to you Robin Scorpio-Drake and Patrick Drake."

As the guests burst into applause, Noah placed Kathleen in Robin's arms and the young family practically skipped down the aisle.

****

The ballroom of the Metrocourt hotel was awash in white lights and organza giving the room a most romantic flair. There were full Christmas trees in each corner of the room, each with a star shining brightly. There were ten round tables with white linens to the floor and the chairs were covered in white silk covers with red bows hanging elegantly from the back. An eleventh round table was in the centre awaiting the bride and groom and their friends to take their seats.

Robin clutched Patrick's hand as they walked through the entrance. "It's so magical" she whispered wondrously.

He nodded, dropping a kiss on Kathleen's head. "Just like this whole day."

"Do you like it?" Brenda asked nervously.

Robin had entrusted her with setting up the reception and Brenda had accepted the responsibility as if she had been asked to build the Taj Mahal. No detail was left to chance and she had spent hours making the sure the ballroom was as romantic a scene as possible.

Enveloping her friend in a warm embrace, Robin kissed her cheek. "I love it. Thank you for making it so special for us. For making everything so special."

Robin slid happily into her chair and took her dozing daughter in her arms as Patrick sat down. They linked fingers again and gazed lovingly at each other. Noah, reaching for his water glass, simply shook his head.

"You'd think they just got married or something" he teased.

Patrick, nuzzling his wife's neck, looked up with an unapologetic grin. "How gross are we?"

"Pretty gross" Noah replied. "But you're allowed."

"Good," Robin chimed in. "Because I like being schmoopsy with my boy- ... with my husband."

Kristina, sitting between Eric and Alexis looked up at her mother and with great seriousness asked, "Is schmoopsy the same as being kissy?"

The table erupted in laughter as Alexis assured her daughter that yes, schmoopsy and kissy were similar states of being.

As the first course was served, everyone chatted easily. Kathleen was passed from one set of waiting arms to another and Mac claimed her for himself when it was time to feed her. Leaning in to Patrick, Robin rested her head on his shoulder and sighed contentedly. He kissed her temple.

"Okay?" he asked quietly.

She nodded. "Look Patrick," she motioned to the table and the room. "Everyone we love is in one room and everyone is happy."

"You happy?"

"I'm better than happy," she told him. "I am, perhaps for the first time ever, at peace."

Threading his fingers through her hair, he drew her towards him and kissed her softly. "God I love you."

As the second course was served, Brenda arranged for a microphone to be brought to the foot of the dancefloor and invited any guests who wished to share a story or good tidings to step up. Much to everyone's surprise there was a steady stream of people with funny stories and good wishes to share. With the plates being cleared away, Brenda, as Mistress of Ceremonies, invited Patrick and Robin to take the floor for their first dance as husband and wife.

The opening strains of 'There is No Greater Love' by Dinah Washington floated through the room and Patrick, taking Robin's hand in his own, led her to the dance floor. He slid his arm around her waist as they moved effortlessly in time, their bodies swaying in unison.

Staring dreamily at her husband, Robin smiled. "You are by far the hottest man I know."

Patrick waggled his eyebrows in response. "Have I mentioned I can't wait to get you out of that dress?"

"I think you said it once or twice in the limo ride over. I'm just grateful that Kathleen has now power of speech yet" she joked.

"I'm just glad that my Dad is taking her for the night because the things I have in mind for you are not baby friendly."

Robin rolled her eyes as she felt her cheeks burn. "Can you believe we're married?"

Patrick shook his head. "No but yes. Does that make any sense? I think I have felt married to you for a while now - so this is more like confirmation for everyone else. I do love calling you my wife though."

"Husband has a nice ring to it too."

As the song came to an end, Patrick twirled her about the floor before swooping her up in a languid kiss.

"Get a room!" Mac called out.

Barely breaking the kiss, Patrick called back, "We intend to."

******  
Eric held Alexis in his arms, stealing kisses as they danced. Her hands slid over his shoulders as she looked lovingingly into her husband's eyes. "You should wear a tux more often," she told him appreciatively, "it suits you."

He shook his head. "No, what suits me is having you in my arms. You make me look good - like a respectable grown up and everything."

Cocking her head to the side, she smiled shyly at him. "Did I ever tell you that I love your tattoos?"

"Well I know you like my four-leaf clover. If memory serves you traced it with your finger....and your tongue....the first night we were together"

The apples of her cheeks flushed at the memory. "True," she agreed. "But I think....I think it was the tattoo of the phoenix that even allowed me to entertain the possibility of falling in love with you."

Scrunching up his face, he gave her a curious look. "How so?"

"Do you remember the night at Robin and Patrick's?"

"When Kristina doused me in grape juice?"

She nodded. "I followed you into the kitchen but you had already stripped off your shift. And standing behind you the phoenix just seemed to be so imposing and strong and I remember thinking that there was something so incredibly special about a man with a tattoo like that. Turns out I was right."

It was Eric's turn to blush. "It's funny," he told her quietly as they moved in time with the music. "I got the tattoo on the first anniversary of my all clear. I thought of it, at the time, as proof that I had conquered death and was living again. In the end it would seem the tattoo was more of a preview of things to come. I may have conquered death but I really didn't start living again until I met you. Falling in love with you has truly let me rise from the ashes of a life that had crumbled at my feet."

Her eyes welled with tears as she dragged the blunt edge of her nail along his bottom lip. "I love you" she whispered.

Dipping his head, he kissed her slowly. "I love you more" he replied.

The sound of squealing children caught their attention and pulling apart they saw Josh and Kristina running towards them. "Mommy!! Mommy!! Robin said we could help cut the cake!"

Alexis scooped her daughter up in her arms. "Are you sure sweetheart?"

The little girl nodded. "She said she needed helpers and that Josh and I would be perfect."

"Can we Dad?" Josh asked, "Can we?"

Eric's blue eyes widened in surprise as he picked him up. "You...you just called me Dad"

He nodded. "Because you are." Resting his head on his shoulder, he smiled shyly. "And Alexis is my Mom. This is my family."

Speechless at the young boy's proclamation Eric could do nothing but hug him. A whirlwind of emotions swirled around him and he looked over at his wife.

"We sure are your family," Alexis confirmed. "Everyone has a place and we have all found ours."

"May I have everyone's attention please?" Mac said, speaking into the microphone. "It is tradition to toast the bride but given that our happy couple is a little on the untraditional side I thought it would be appropriate if we toasted both of them. Theirs has not been an easy journey to get to this point and there were days that I know both of them considered walking away but the hallmark of Patrick and Robin is that neither of them are quitters. They are committed, passionate people both professionally and personally. They have shown themselves, each other and all of us, time and again, that when their backs are against the wall they are there for those who love them. So theirs may not have been a traditional romance but it is one built on a most solid foundation. The respect and adoration they have for each other and for wee Kathleen is a shining example to all of us that sometimes love can conquer everything.

I have known and loved Robin since she was a little girl and I have not always approved of her choice in men but I must say that Patrick is a good man, an honourable man and he has made my niece happier than she has ever been in her life. What more could a parent ask for? Today is an ending and a beginning. Their wedding marks the end of a journey to find love and the beginning of the adventure of a life together.

As I'm no poet, I will let Khalil Gibran's words speak for me. 'You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days. Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.'

On behalf of those who love you very much, we congratulate you on this momentous day and wish much love and joy in the years to come. To the newlyweds!"

******  
As Patrick slid the key into the door of the honeymoon suite, Robin slid her arms around her waist. "Do you think we were rude to leave so early?"

Looking over his shoulder, he gave her a look of mock incredulity. "I think we should be rewarded for showing such restraint. It's our wedding day and now our wedding night and it's time for us to celebrate."

The door had barely closed behind them before his mouth was fastened to hers. His tongue coaxed her lips apart and slid inside the velvety softness of her mouth. Their hands were suddenly everywhere as though they had been denied each other for months rather than hours. It was only the need for oxygen that finally pulled them apart and they stood, close together, chests heaving.

Feeling suddenly restricted, Patrick slipped out of his jacket and tossed it on the chair before pulling off his tie. As Robin moved to undo her red ribbon around her waist, he put his hand on her arm and shook his head.

"I want to undress you," he told her throatily. "I want to undress my wife."

Her hands fell to her side and she turned her back to him. Slowly, he pulled on the ends of the ribbon, undoing the bow and letting the material sail to the ground. Greeted by what seemed to be an unending line of buttons, he set about undoing them, one by one. He placed a soft, sweet kiss over each new small reveal of skin sending shivers through her body. Her head lolled to the side as his fingers brushed against her skin, pushing her dress away from her body, bit by bit. Having finally reached the last button, the dress fell to the floor and holding out his hand, he helped her step out of the dress.

She stood in front of him in a white lace teddy with silk stockings held up by garters and the most beautiful silver stilettos. He shook his head again as she started to take her shoes off and a feline smile formed on her mouth. Moving closer to him she closed her nimble fingers over the buttons of his shirt and made quick work of them. Pushing his shirt open she pressed a kiss in the centre of his chest, her tongue swirling seductively against his warm skin.

A small moan escaped from the back of her throat as his fingers curled in her hair, drawing her face up to him. Robin wound her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss as Patrick gently lifted her legs around his hips. He carried her, never breaking their kiss, into the bedroom. Their soft, loving kisses were turning more urgent and their mouths ravaged each other. Need and passion pushed to the forefront and they tumbled together onto the bed. Her hands moved in a flurry, disengaging him from his shirt and tossing it off the bed. His pants were next and before Patrick even realized they were off, Robin had added them to the growing pile of clothes. Finally pulling apart, they both were breathing raggedly, hungrily gasping for air.

Robin kneeled up and Patrick mirrored her position. Moving her hair to the side he assualted her neck with tiny, deliberate kisses. He kissed all the way down her neck, pushing the thin straps of her teddy from her shoulders and leaving a wet kiss where they once sat against her skin. He left a lingering kiss in the valley between her breasts, rubbing his cheeks against her soft breasts. Curling his fingers around the hem of her teddy, he peeled it away from her body and stared at her with total love in his eyes.

"You are so beautiful Robin," he whispered - a hand reaching to her breast and softly kneading it. "So beautiful."

She bit her lip to keep from crying out as he dragged a thumb across her hardening nipple. He laid her out on the bed and continued to kiss his way down her body. He kissed, tasted and swirled his tongue over every part of her body except the areas where she was begging him to touch. The sensation of being so close yet so far was pushing her to the edge. He kissed the length of her leg and the sensation of the warm breath from his mouth against the silk stocking was strangely erotic. Finished with one leg, he gave similiar attentions to the other and Robin's entire body was humming - every cell was on fire.

Slowly rocking her hips back and forth, desperate for his attention, she closed her eyes as she felt his hand curl around her hot centre. First one finger, then a second slid inside her panties. Her eyes flew open as he maddenly teased her without ever giving her the contact she was craving.

"Paaatrick" she moaned softly.

He loved to watch her teeter on the edge, seeing her fight for control and then fight to give it up. It was the most amazing feeling for him to know he could give this to her, that he alone could make her feel like this. Her nails dragged along his skin, almost in frustration. He ignored his own throbbing arousal as he settled between her legs and opened his mouth over the crotch of her panties. Her hips bucked up from the bed until finally he peeled her panties away. Her mouth was fused to his shoulder and then his neck. She needed to kiss him, to touch him as he touched her. As she was finally laid bare before him, she tugged him back towards her and their mouths fastened together and they rolled along the bed, a tangle of limbs, as they kissed in an absolute frenzy.

Unable to wait any longer, Robin slid his boxers from his hips and pushed him against the pillows as she dragged her tonge down the length of his torso. His eyes clamped shut at the feel of her tongue against his skin. Feeling her hand wrap around his erection nearly undid him on the spot. When she took him in her mouth, sucking lightly, he began to mentally recite the periodic table of elements so as not get too lost in the amazing sensations she was producing in him. Feeling him harden further in her mouth, she let go of him and looked up at him from underneath her lashes.

"I think you might be ready," she purred.

Patrick pressed a condom to her hand, looking at her urgently. "With you? I'm always ready. Please Robin, I want to be inside you."

She tore open the small packet and sheathed him. No sooner had she finished then his arms were around her, sweeping her underneath him. She slung her legs, silver stilettos and all, over his shoulder and grinned as he shook his head. Lined up at her entrance he dipped inside before pulling back. He teased her like this, going a little further each time, until she was nearly delerious with need. Finally sliding all the way, he laid buried inside her without moving.

"My wife" he whispered.

"My husband," she replied.

He moved slowly at first, trying to last, but as she raised her head and dragged her tongue along his flat nipple, he was overtaken with need and thrust hard inside her. They moved together, their bodies calling and responding to each other as they built towards their climax. A sheen a sweat formed on their bodies as they tossed and turned, using every inch of the king size bed. His name tore from her lips as she tumbled over the edge. Feeling her let go, Patrick followed her over and came hard against her.

Spent, he collapsed against her. Robin ran her hands along his back as she panted breathlessly. He rolled off of her but tugged her with him and wrapped her in his arms. She laid her head against his chest, listening as his heart beat returned to normal, knowing that her heart mirrored his - in every way.

"It took us a long time to get here," she said quietly, "with all kinds of detours along the way but this - being with you - is every dream realized."

Patrick looked down at their entwined hands, their platinum bands shining together and smiled. "I would do it all again, every last bit of it, if it meant we would wind up here. I know what you meant earlier - I am beyond happy. I am married to you and I am at peace."

*****

*vows for the exchange of rings are by Marianne Williamson, _Illuminata_


	208. Chapter 215

**Epilogue**

I'll meet you in the tall grass up on heaven's highest hill

_30 years later_

The chatter coming from the kitchen grew louder with every new story told. Patrick, with grey framing his temples and fine lines etched near his eyes leaned against the counter and simply shook his head. They had spent years redecorating and renovating the Hamptons house to make it as inviting and open as possible. There were fireplaces in almost every room - a necessity to take the chill from the cold October evening, lots of soft seating to be had but no matter what they did people always wound up crowding into the kitchen. Robin had chided him whenever he groused about it, reminding him the kitchen was the heart of the home; he always corrected her and told her she, not the kitchen, was the heart of any home they occupied.

Bringing a beer bottle to his lips and taking a quick sip, he surveyed the scene before him. Kathleen, their beautiful daugther with her long dark hair hanging straight down her back and a dusting of freckles on her cheeks, looked more and more like her mother every day. Her growing belly gave advance notice of an impending grandchild and the thought of the next generation filled his heart. He was excited to meet the little one she carried as he had been to meet her when Robin had been pregnant all those years earlier. He smiled into the bottle as she sought out her husband, Aaron, and shyly entwined her fingers through his bringing her head to rest on his shoulder.

An award winning architect, Kathleen had worked alongside her parents in helping to remodel the Hamptons house and not for the first time they had both been enormously impressed with their daughter's talent. Patrick had claimed that he had known this was her destiny when she took apart her favourite doll house at age 6 and rebuilt it to her liking. The story always resulted in a groan of protest from his daughter but he loved to tell it.

"Ganpa! Ganpa!" the young boy called tearing into the kitchen.

Crouching down Patrick held open his arms and scopped up his young grandson. A smart boy of six, Mackenzie had the curiosity of his grandmother and the endless energy of his grandfather. "Hey sport," he greeted him, kissing his cheek. "What's up?"

"I saw a fox! Run right by the window. I wanted to chase it but Daddy said I couldn't."

He smiled at his son-in-law and nodded. "Your Daddy is right. Best to leave those foxes their space."

"Okay," he agreed. "Auntie Martha said the twins are awake. Ima gonna go see 'em." Wriggling out of his arms until his little feet touched the ground, Mackenzie tore back out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

He looked over at his son, Seamus. "They're awake?"

He nodded tiredly. "Four hours. I would give my left arm for them to sleep for four straight hours."

Patrick clapped his shoulder. "Consider it payback."

"So you and Mom keep saying."

Darren had died almost two years after their wedding and his death, while expected, had shaken both Robin and Patrick to their collective core. Robin needed a break from work and wanted nothing more than to stay at home and be a mom to their daughter. Patrick, sensing they all needed a change, accepted a one year assignment to University Hospital in Dublin to head up their Neurosciences department. In no time they were settled and had fallen in love with Ireland. Robin and Kathleen would head out on an adventure every day and on Patrick's days off, he would join them. There had been picnics in parks, trips up the coast just to watch the rough Irish sea beat its waves against the sturdy cliffs. The list - the to do list he had started three years earlier - was added to and expanded with new excursions and discoveries to be had. Ireland became a place for them to heal and renew their hope. Almost six months into the assignment, Robin suggested they were ready for another child and Patrick agreed. So enamoured with the country, Patrick had his assignment extended so their child could be born on Irish soil. It was Robin who had picked his name - Seamus - and he loved that their son bore a name from a place that had felt like magic to them.

A chef, Seamus had spent several years studying in Paris and perfecting his craft. He had his offer of almost any restaurant he wanted in London or Paris but home was calling and he returned to Port Charles to open his own place - La Dolce Vita. His sister helped him design it and his grand opening had provided more than good reviews - it was also gave him the love of his life. Martha, a star journalist at the Port Charles Times, had come as the guest of another writer but it was love at first sight the minute Seamus locked eyes with her. Not yet married, they had welcomed twin daughters - Mabel and Ava - five months earlier and much like his father, Seamus took to fatherhood like he had been born to it.

"I seem to recall you looking for more sympathy when young Seamus here had you pacing the floors until all hours" Eric remarked, joining the two men at the kitchen table.

"Leave it to you to ruin my fun" Patrick grumbled good naturedly.

He shrugged unapologetically. "It's my job."

Patrick shook his head. "Jerk. Why do I keep you around?"

"Because no one else will put up with you?" Seamus asked.

His father cuffed him on the back of the head while winking at his best friend. Eric's jet black hair had been replaced by silver and he wore it shaved. His cancer had returned almost 10 years ago - a tumour on his spine - and the resulting rounds of chemotherapy had stolen his hair a second time. When it returned, it was in patches and it was Alexis who took clippers to it and gave him his new style. They had all been devastated by his diagnosis but as he had spent months running back and forth for treatment, Eric had developed a close bond with Robin. Who better to be his sounding board about the sneaky and unpredicitable nature of disease than someone else who lived with the same reality? If it had been anyone else Patrick would have been jealous but somehow it was the best of both worlds to see his best friend develop as deep a friendship with his wife as he had with him. The tumour, though beaten, had affected his fine motor skills and drove him from the OR for good. Feeling as though he had more to offer to the medical community, Eric became a medical school professor.

Hearing a light laugh, Eric looked over to the far corner of the kitchen where Josh, Kristina and Alexis were deep in conversation; Alexis was cradling their grandson - Josh's son, Peter - and making quite a fuss over the newborn. An Assistant District Attorney, Josh had built his career around being an advocate for the voiceless and Eric could not have been more proud of the man he had become. A kidney transplant almost two decades earlier had allowed him to pursue every one of his dreams. He had met a woman in law school - Annabella - and had fallen madly in love with her. His only concern had been whether his best friend, Kristina, would approve; he needn't have worried - the two became fast friends and Kristina served as best person at their wedding. On her way to finishing medical school, she liked to joke that the toughest professor she had was her father and that he marked her harder than anyone else. Sonny had been killed when she was eight years old and though she loved him very much, Eric had become the principal male figure in her life and he had gone from being DaddyEric to simply Daddy. Their bond had been a source of joy and happiness for Alexis. When she anounced her intention to become a doctor, his heart had swelled with pride. Having had her as a student, Eric had quietly told Alexis that she was one of the most naturally gifted doctors he had ever seen.

"Did you see the painting Molly did?" Patrick asked, pulling him from his thoughts.

Eric nodded. "It was beautiful. What an amazing family portrait."

Molly, the most free-spirited of all of them, had dropped out of university and spent years in Italy developing her artistic skills. Homesick, she had returned and set up home in New York City; her paintings hung in some of the finest galleries. Alexis was proud of her for following her dreams and Robin, recognizing her talent early on, had been a faithful customer. She in turn repaid her loyalty with portraits and pieces to decorate their homes in Port Charles and the Hamptons.

"Robin thought it was amazing" he said quietly before taking another sip on his beer. "And teased Kathleen that she must have paid Molly to have her ignore the belly bump."

"She did a nice one of your Dad too," Eric remarked.

Smiling sadly, Patrick nodded his agreement. Noah had died of a heart attack three years earlier and Molly, who had come to cherish Noah as a defacto grandfather, had painted a stunning portrait of him that Robin had insisted on hanging in the guest room. It had taken Patrick a long time to come to grips with his father's death. There had been a time when he had almost wished for it but in falling in love with Robin he learned the value of forgiveness and rebuilt his relationship with his father. It was an opportunity he was grateful every day for having.

As the conversations shifted, he slipped from the kitchen door to the back porch. He stood on the step, with his hands on his head, breathing in the fresh air. Alone, his mind was awash with a million thoughts and he was unable to focus on just one. Getting through the last two months had been an act of sheer willpower; he just kept putting one foot in front of the other and hoped he was moving foward. His eyes closed, he smiled as he felt a familiar pair of hands close around his shoulders.

"I'm okay pumpkin" he said quietly.

"I know you are," Kathleen replied. "But I just want you to know you aren't alone."

Looking over his shoulder, he smiled. "I know I'm not. And I love you for checking on me."

"I can't believe she would have been 60 today" she remarked. "She really wanted to see today."

He nodded. "She was right - she didn't live long enough to comb grey through her hair but she did live more in 59 years that some would if given five times the time."

Stepping off the step, he turned and looked at his daughter. He supposed, under other circumstances, her almost identical resemblance to her mother would have been a cause for pain or grief but he found comfort in it. He had long felt Robin was a unique spirit in the world and to see her live on so clearly in Kathleen lessened rather than increased his grief.

"I'm just going to take a walk," he told her as the stars twinkled brightly from the sky above, "I'll be back in a few minutes."

Knowing where he was heading, Kathleen could do little but nod and watched as he walked down the familiar path.

The end, when it came, had been mercifully short. Her medication had failed and all attempts at new drug combinations had proven wholly unsuccessfuly. Tumours were spotted in her lungs and a course of treatment was outlined for her but none knew better than Robin that the treatment would simply stave off the inevitable for a short period of time and cause much pain in the process. She wanted the time she had left to be joyous and conscious. In typical Robin fashion, she had gathered her friends and family and told them she was laying down her sword. There had been tears - from everyone - except her. There was grace and peace about her that Patrick envied and admired in equal parts. Robin simply reminded him that she had been given more than she had ever thought possible - a loving husband, two healthy children and three grandchildren with a fourth on the way. Her blessings, in her mind, had outnumbered any shortcomings and she would not complain.

They had moved full time to the Hamptons and Patrick took a leave of absence from his job as Chief of Staff to spend every remaining moment with her. They walked along the beach at sunset; they spent hours in bed in the early mornings just talking and being with each other. He could feel her slowly slipping from him and each day panic would well up inside. He had tried to hide it from her but there was simply no hiding in their relationship and she had taken him one day, to the studio that she loved so much, and they sat curled up together in the rocking chair, staring out at the water.

She had quietly told him that her only regret was leaving him behind - that they had spent so many years together that it would be strange to be separated now. She reminded him that she believed they were not human beings on a spiritual journey but rather spiritual beings on a human journey and she trusted and had faith they would be reunited again. He had been unable to say anything to her - he simply held her and kissed and wished, not for the first time, that he had the power to stop time.

Almost a week later, asleep in his arms, as the sun rose over the water, she died.

Patrick had laid with her for hours before finally trusting himself to let go of her. He had woken their children and gave them the time needed to say goodbye and began to make the necessary arrangements. Her instructions had been very clear - no crocodile tears allowed at her funeral - and she asked to be cremeated, with her ashes buried near the studio at the Hamptons, facing the water and the sunrise.

Ignoring all local laws, Patrick had followed her request to the letter and over the spot where her ashes were buried was a small dark marble stone, marking the spot.

_Robin Scorpio-Drake. "And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb. And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then you shall truly dance." _

Patrick flopped down beside the marker and sighed heavily. "You should know" he said, "that it isn't really a Hamptons party without you. Seamus has cooked enough food for a small army," he laughed, "as usual.I miss you - every day," he told her hoarsely. "But any time I'm not sure about going on, I get a call from Kathleen or a hug from Mackenzie or smiles from Mabel and Ava. You're very crafty, you know that?" he asked her. "You set this all up - children, grandchildren, good friends, so that I wouldn't be alone. I am surrounded by love - just as you intended - I just wish....I just wish I could still hold you in my arms."

He was quiet for several minutes, listening the waves lap softly at the shore. It was almost more than he could bear - being without her - but he had promised her he would not quit, no matter how hard it got.

"Kathleen had an ultrasound yesterday - she's having a girl" he smiled. "We're debating names tonight. She claims so far the best one she has heard is from Peter who has suggested Rocky as a name. I trust she and Aaron will find their own name for her just as we did for her and Seamus."

Reaching into his back pocket, he pulled out a wad of paper that had been folded and refolded dozens of time. Smoothing it out, he smiled as he looked at the top sheet:

_Memories to make with Robin AND Patrick_

The list that he had started all those years ago when he was sure he was running out of time, now numbered almost fourteen pages. It had become their compass in so many ways over the years. They took turns adding to it and then celebrated each item they were able to cross off. Almost eight years ago, he had come home from work to find the list lying on his pillow with a new addition.

_Take a year to travel the world_

He had been shocked at the suggestion but as they talked about it and dreamed out loud about all the places they would want to see, he warmed to the idea and they did just that. They travelled to every continent - they went to base camp at Everest, visited the Taj Mahal, saw the statues on Easter Island, swam along the Great Barrier Reef, walked the Great Wall of China, ate gelato on the Spanish Steps, watched people run with the bulls in Pamploma and he proposed to her all over again at the foot of the Eiffel Tower. The children had flown out at different times to meet them and it had been an idyllic year. He was extraordinary grateful for every one of those memories.

He flipped the last page and reached for a pen. "Just one last one," he told her.

_Love each other forever._

Patrick drew a line through it and smiled a watery smile "I do," he said quietly. "I love you forever. I know you're here with me now and always and some day we will be reunited again. Until then.....look out for me," he asked. "Look out for all of us."

He dug a small hole next to the marble marker and folding the list placed it inside the hole before covering it with dirt. He kissed her name etched in the marble.

"I love you. I miss you. Happy Birthday Robin."

Rising to his feet, he brushed the dirt from his pants and took one last look at the stone in the ground before heading back to the house where his family and his friends were waiting to welcome him with open arms. Before Robin, he had spent a long time running from love but she had taught him to run towards it and embrace it. Everything he needed, including her, was in his heart.

FIN


End file.
